#twobluehearts locked

[twoblueheartslocked]

Para: December/January Flashback.

Rating: PG.

Pairing: Seblaine. (And Seblaine is still very much the endgame.)

Sebastian: @colorsicantsee

Blaine: @twoblueheartslocked

Time: Four years before the events of ( Hold On To The Memories, They Will Hold On To You ) Events taking place in December/January of Blaine’s Senior Year and Sebastian’s Junior Year. Blaine (17) Seb(16).

Location: Sebastian’s House. Westerville, Ohio

Info: Blaine’s parents are tragically killed in an icy car accident on Sunday, December 28, the day after Blaine and Sebastian spend their incredible night together. A devastated Blaine deals with the aftermath of his parents death in the only way he knows how which results in two very broken hearted teenage boys.

Warnings(PLEASE READ THIS): This para includes mentions of parental death(Both) and a whole bunch of self loathing. There’s a break up and it does not have a happy ending for our boys. This was not fun to write at all, but remember they’re very much endgame- soulmates.

Extra Warnings: (This RP is not Kurt Hummel friendly. You’ve all been warned.)

Notes: Some canon events remain in place while others have been changed. Some things may even be out of order. You can consider this sort of canon divergent AU. A few changes are that Blaine’s parents are different from the show (His mother is Filipina), he didn’t cheat on Kurt or date Dave and Sebastian is younger than Blaine. Feel free to send a message if you have any questions!

Blaine’s POV:

“There was ice on the r-road. God, they’re gone, Blaine. I-I don’t know how else to say it. Mom and dad are gone…”

He could still hear his brother’s panicked, weepy voice ringing in his ear. Could still feel the icy chill run through his body as the words sunk into him, pulling him down into a darkness that he’d never felt before. That Sunday, after having the most incredible night, Blaine went from feeling the best he’d ever felt to feeling like he was suffocating in despair. It felt like someone had thrown him into the Arctic with nothing but the clothes on his back. He remembered waiting for Cooper to come home, remembered how quiet and too big the house had felt, how the silence had pushed into his brain and it was maddening...that fucking quiet. But, on the inside his thoughts felt loud and chaotic and he was screaming, screaming, screaming. But if you walked by and saw him you just see a teenager, small and lost just standing there numbly as people in uniforms and nice suits talked at him about what would happen to him next.

That had been two weeks ago. Will and Imelda Anderson had been laid to rest and Cooper had moved from California to Ohio while Blaine finished out his Senior year. All the therapists and people in charge had told Cooper it wouldn’t be fitting to take him out of school to move across the country at a time like this. So, against everything he wanted, Cooper was back in Ohio, miserable and trying to figure out how to be a parental figure while in mourning and in a house with nothing but ghosts and memories that were still too fresh- so fresh that they cut like knives to think about.

The weeks had gone by in a blur, he hadn’t been back to school yet, and was dreading the day that he’d have to. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to function as a person when his whole world had been shattered. The only thing he’d been able to bring himself to do was see Sebastian, and even that hurt him because he couldn’t even smile for him. He’d been at the Smythe’s almost every single day since it happened, he’d tried to go see Sam but all he got was pitying looks from Sam's parents and he couldn’t handle it. Sabine, Seb’s mom,  had simply pulled him into a hug and in her soothing lilt told him she was there for him and that was that.

Today was the fourteen day since they’d been killed, and it had been fifteen days since Blaine had last gotten to hug them, or speak to them in person,  and it was the twelfth day since his parents had been put in the ground . He wasn’t doing well at all. He was wrapped up in Sebastian’s arms on their couch in his basement, his back to the room, his face turned and pressed into Seb’s chest, his arms wrapped tightly around Seb’s slender frame, as he fought his hardest not to fucking cry again as the mumblings from some movie played in the background. Going to Seb’s house was the only place he felt a fraction of okay, but he also felt like absolute shit everytime he went there.

He always started out his trips promising himself he would find a balance and every time he went over there he’d tell himself today would be the day he’d smile for Sebastian, and today would be the day that he’d give him a real kiss, not just a peck, but a real one with that showed all the pent up feelings he still had for him- they had just been pushed down because Blaine didn’t know if he had anymore room for anything other than pain. He wanted to follow through, wanted to smile for Seb and kiss him properly because Seb deserved that. He’d been nothing but supportive and sympathetic, and had stood by him like a dutiful boyfriend (even though they didn’t say that outloud) throughout everything and Blaine was the worst kind of person because he couldn’t even muster a half smile for his person.

It occurred to him right then that he may never be able to smile again. He may never be able to properly kiss Sebastian the same way he had two weeks ago when everything was as perfect as a winter snow globe scene. Sure, Seb didn’t seem to mind and also seemed content to hold Blaine close and talked to him like a person instead of a ticking bomb, but it killed Blaine that Seb’s life was just put on hold because of him. Blaine’s broken heart ached impossibly more at the thought and he felt like the most selfish person in the world for dragging the other boy around. And all at once he found himself sobbing again, big,  loud, wailing and snotty sobs that sounded so raw and the front of Seb’s shirt would be wet again. Fuck, Sebastian didn’t fucking deserve this. He deserved so much better than this version of Blaine. This broken carbon copy. He felt like the old version of himself died with his parents, leaving his friends and person with a hollowed out, crybaby version of himself.

He cried, and struggled to catch his breath, and clung so tightly to Seb that when he finally stopped there were black spots in his vision and he felt weak. Possibly because he’d hardly eaten, but mostly because crying was exhausting and that’s all he did lately. Everything hurt, mentally and physically. His voice was high pitched and pathetic when he finally found it.

“God damnit, I’m so sorry, Seb.”

Sebastian’s POV:

Sebastian hoped he was being helpful. He had never had to console somebody, had never even attended a funeral before. Never had to stand in the back of a stuffy room full of too many black ties and random casseroles and  the scent of carnations heavy in the air. He did it all, though. Sebastian picked out his best suit and hung back until Blaine needed him, squeezed his hand during the procession to the graveyard, sent flowers by instruction of his mother and took a prayer card home and brought Blaine water and crackers when he cried so hard he started to heave. He did it all quietly and patiently and spoke his condolences in hugs and kisses on the cheek. Sebastian knew that saying sorry wasn’t enough and that Blaine needed time, which nobody could give him.

Sabine had made it clear that their home was open and that the other boy was welcome. Sebastian spent so many nights holding Blaine as random movie credits rolled in the background, his boyfriend sobbing until he fell asleep. He was thankful for the little slices of peace sleep brought to Blaine. Eating was pretty much out of the question but Sebastian always offered granola bars and fruit snacks. He never minded when his shirts got soggy with tears or sweat from a nightmare that Blaine had. He just wanted Blaine to feel better, just wanted him to survive this.

Seb clung tight to Blaine as he sobbed. He wished his hands could force the broken puzzle pieces of his boy back together again. He rubbed circles in Blaine’s back and kept quiet, just let him cry it all out as he stared at the flashing tv screen. Sebastian watched as Snow White ran through a haunted forest and thought to himself that it seemed like Blaine was stuck in the same place but instead of trees, it was all ice and crashing metal and broken glass.

“Hey, don’t be sorry,” Sebastian shook his head. “I have plenty of shirts.”

Blaine’s POV:

Blaine forced himself to sit up on the couch, he held onto Seb for leverage,  his body swaying a bit as the dizziness took over him. He knew he needed to eat something soon, knew that he needed to take care of himself if he ever hoped to feel better at all. The thought of food made him feel nauseated, everything he’d eaten in the last two weeks had tasted like dust on his tongue and had been even harder to swallow.  How long was he going to feel like this? A hopeless pit of despair that pulled him under more and more each day. Would he ever feel better? He looked over at Seb, embarrassment and pain evident on his face and the fact that his first thought wasn’t how happy the other boy made him feel anymore, but rather how miserable Seb must be sitting here with him day after day, all the hours blurring into one never-ending session of comforting Blaine as he cried or asked why over and over again knowing there wasn’t answer- was devastating to Blaine and he didn’t know what the fuck to do about it.

They’d been following this pattern for two weeks, Seb had come as soon as Blaine called him that day and had been by his side every single day since. Sure, Blaine knew this is what couples did, know that when you cared about someone you were there for them, you held them close and kissed their head and told them that you’ve got them the way Seb had been doing. But, Seb was a sixteen year old kid and his junior year was slowly slipping by him while he put everything on hold for Blaine. Lacrosse would be starting up soon, how could Blaine ask Seb to miss it? How could Blaine be so selfish to keep him here when he had no clue when he’d feel better.  Seb was going to hate him for this eventually. He just fucking knew it.

Still, the thought of being without him. The thought of not getting to touch him,  kiss him, or press close to him under the covers, or to eventually tell him that he loved him- Blaine still hadn’t gotten to tell him, made him want to throw up and again, he didn’t know what to do. He swallowed hard, his mind running wild with the thought that Sebastian was secretly sick of him and his breath hitched and another little sob escaped which turned into another one. It didn’t occur to Blaine to take a deep breath, and maybe tell Seb that he loved him now, or that Seb might say it back. Blaine couldn’t convince himself that Seb was okay just holding him, that Seb was happy to be there for him while he mourned. Blaine had been slowly convincing himself since the first time he sobbed into his shirt that Seb was miserable. And that he was just being selfish by keeping him around. He sniffled, Seb’s words making his bottom lip wobble in their sweetness.

“God, you’re perfect.” He sobbed out, not able to keep the control over his words like he needed. “I lo-” He wanted to say I love you so much, you’ve been amazing, I just don’t know what to do right now, you need to live your life…And his mouth wouldn’t let him say it, and all over again he felt sick, like he was actually going to throw up even though the only thing he had in his body were a few crackers and some water from hours ago.

“I can’t. God, I don’t know what to do.”

Sebastian’s POV:

Sebastian wished he could read Blaine’s mind. He couldn’t decipher anything on his tear stained face except for pain. He just nodded as the other boy struggled for words, rubbed his back in what he hoped was soothing circles.

“You don’t have to know what to do, B.” He knew his words were never going to be enough but he couldn’t let Blaine’s hurt hang in the air ignored. Seb was okay pushing his homework off until Blaine left, was okay with driving to Blaine’s directly after Warbler rehearsal, could tolerate watching one million Katy Perry videos and old movies in an effort to cheer the other boy up. He was down for anything even if it meant sitting in silence. Sure, he missed how Blaine was just a few short weeks ago. But, he knew he’d never get him back unless they dealt with the monstrous tragedy that clung to his guy. If that meant tear soaked hoodies and half drunk water bottles and cracker crumbs then so be it.

“Do you want me to go get you anything?” Sebastian hated forcing Blaine to eat but he knew he probably needed something soon, he could feel him shake. “I’ll get you whatever you want.”

Blaine’s POV:

Blaine could feel his breathing pick up, he was balancing on the edge of a full on panic attack and he didn’t know how to reel it all back in. He teetered there, and he knew in his hearts of hearts all he had to do was reach out and ask Sebastian to help him through it. All he had to do was lean on him for a little bit longer and eventually he’d be there, he’d get through all of this but… his brain seemed to be blocking him from accepting that. He’ll wake up one day and he’ll find that he hates you for ruining what’s left of his junior year. He could have been out having fun, but he stayed cooped up in a basement for god knows how long you feel like this and he missed out on everything good. He won’t be able to concentrate on Lacrosse or the Warblers because of you. He’ll miss out on dances and prom and touching and sex all because you’re sad, Blaine. You've got to let him go.

He looked at Seb, really looked at him- Taking his beautiful face, his green eyes wide and eager to please him, ready to help him however he could. And Blaine had never loved another person besides his parents as much as he loved Sebastian Smythe in this moment. Tears slipped quietly down his face as he cupped Seb’s in between his hands and leaned forward to press a kiss against familiar lips. The kiss tasted salty from his tears and Blaine wondered if he’d ever get to do it again.

“You, god Seb, you’ve been so perfect.” His words were choppy and his breath hitched and he felt so sick to his stomach. How was he supposed to do this? How was he supposed to be unselfish when all he wanted was to cuddle back up and let Sebastian take care of him? “I-I think we-” his words felt heavy and wrong and he stood up, wrapping his arms around himself and he felt so small and if only his mother were here, she’d help him understand why he was about to break his own fucking heart. She’d tell him how to deal with his feelings and keep what he loved in the process.

A little voice in his head that sounded very much like himself, only weaker spoke up, pleading with this new, sorrowful version of Blaine. You don’t want this, Blaine. He’s the best person for you to be around, he’s the only one that makes you feel halfway okay. Just fucking tell him that you love him finally and that you’ll feel better one day and thank him for being there for you. But, Blaine’s mouth said something different and what was left of his tattered heart broke right in two as he spoke and he sounded like a stranger to himself.

“I think we should maybe take a break for a bit.” He could hardly look at Seb, his person's handsome face went from confused to shocked, like he had been slapped, in a split second. “I want to be with you, I just don’t know how to be right now, Seb and it’s not fucking fair to you and I think maybe if I could just try to figure how to breathe maybe I could be better for you and I think the only way I can do that is if I-I do it alone.” You’re so stupid, Blaine. You’re so wrong. Don’t do this to him. Don’t do this to yourself… More miserable tears fell, this time wetting his own shirt and not Seb’s. “I’m so sorry, I don’t know how else to do this…”

Sebastian’s POV:

Sebastian kissed Blaine back but it didn’t feel like the kisses they usually shared. It felt too slow, tasted like salt instead of cherry, and it felt like the last one they’d share. He blinked a few times and tried to shake the empty, sunken feeling that started to fall through his body.  Suddenly Blaine was speaking but he didn’t sound like himself and Seb felt like he was having an out of body experience. Was he being broken up with? What had he done wrong? Blaine constantly told him how good he was but now it felt like he wasn’t good enough and that was too familiar of a feeling for him.

He swallowed the thick lump in his throat and closed his eyes for a moment, Sebastian really didn’t want to burst into tears, the thought made a swirl of anxiety rush through his head. He also didn’t want to beg but everything in him was screaming for another chance.  Sebastian put his hands up in an effort to stop Blaine from speaking. He suddenly felt so pissed off his hands trembled.

“You don’t get to decide what I need or want. Nobody gets to decide any of that except for me!” His voice was higher than he had intended and he hoped Blaine didn’t notice the warble of tears trapped in his throat.  Sebastian stood up from the couch. He wanted to punch the wall, wanted to knock the tv over, wanted to run to his room and burrow into the covers, wanted to scream and cry into his pillows.

“This makes no sense. I thought I was helping you. You….you said I was good. You just….get to throw me away like everybody else.”

The tears finally fell down his face and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. He was so mad at himself for giving into crying, for looking weak in front of the only person he wanted to impress,

“Get. Out. Get out! I don’t fucking want you here anymore.”

The words were out of his mouth before he could take them back and his feet stomped up the basement stairs, past his mother in the kitchen, his back was pressed to his bedroom door before he let himself take a deep breath that ended in a sob. 

Blaine’s POV:

Blaine watched as Sebastian struggled through what he’d said, the other boys face breaking his heart just that little bit more and Blaine wanted to reach out to him and pull him close and tell him that he didn’t mean it. Because he really didn’t mean it, he didn’t want to do this. He knew that with his whole heart that he shouldn’t have done this, that there had to be a better way to deal with his hopelessness, but he didn’t know what it was. He was just trying to save Seb from the inevitable catastrophe of being stuck with someone that was only half living. He wanted more than anything, except maybe to have his parents back, to stay right here and let Seb bring him back to life one day. But, he knew it was selfish, even if Sebastian couldn’t see it right now.

“Seb you are good, please, that’s not what this is about. You did everything right! I’ m not doing this beca-” The rise in Sebastian’s voice cut him off and his breath hitched at his angry words and Blaine tried to reach for him as he pushed past him and took off up the stairs, but Seb was fast and his words were still echoing in his ears minutes  after he had left. The space where he’d been still felt charged and full and Blaine wondered if he’d always feel him there.

The air around him felt suffocating and and the room was so still, so quiet that the voice in his head was screaming desperately at him to go up the stairs and to find Seb and tell him that he’d been wrong to say that, that his head was just messed up and that he needed him by his side while he figured everything out. But, his self hatred had already started to settle and he had already convinced himself that he didn’t deserve that comfort. If he could make that wonderful, beautiful boy sob like that how could he ever think he deserved to keep him around? His body ached as he forced himself to put his coat on and then his shoes and each step up into the main part of the house felt like glass on bare skin and he prayed to a god he didn’t know if he believed in that Sabine wasn’t still in the kitchen. He hoped she’d gone to Seb, hoped that he wouldn’t have to see her disappointed face. Though a tiny little part of him hoped she might hug him like mother’s do but he knew he didn’t deserve that and that it was selfish to want it.

He managed to get himself out of the house without running into anyone and without looking at anything, lest the memories grab hold of him and pull him under. It didn’t occur to him until he was outside in the cold January air that he hadn’t driven here. He’d been too nervous to drive since his parents' accident, so afraid that he’d slide off the road too so Seb had been picking him up and bringing him to his house. Blaine’s bottom lip quivered at the thought, how sweet it was that Seb would go out of his way like that so he wouldn’t have to think further about his mom and dad. He pressed a hand over his mouth as he pulled his phone out of his pocket and tried to ignore the background photo of him and Seb smiling up at the camera. He thought about calling Sam to get him, but Sam was in Lima and it would take him too long. Instead he was forced to call Cooper. His big brother made it known that Blaine was being an dumb and that he wasn’t thinking clearly and why would he do this, but something in Blaine’s face maybe told him that he knew all of that and Coop shut up for the rest of the ride home.

He’d managed to make it into his bedroom before bursting into a new wave of tears. This time with an added loss, one of his own making. He cried so fucking hard he threw up, he’d only eaten crackers and water so it hurt and he thought maybe he deserved it. And as he pressed his forehead to the cold toilet seat it hit him how much he didn’t want this. He knew he’d fucked up. He knew it without a doubt and regret and self loathing filled him up and he threw up once again. Finally he managed to pull himself up and he put himself into pajamas and cleaned his teeth and face before curling up on his bed. It had been four hours since he’d left Seb and each hour hurt so badly he thought he might die. He’d never experience this kind of thing before and he wondered if he’d ever feel good again. With shaking hands he tried to reach Sebastian, one last plea for understanding or maybe forgiveness.

Blaine(8:02 pm): I know you don’t want to hear from me right now, but please give me this chance… Blaine(8:07pm):  I’m not throwing you away, you’re not something anyone could do that to, you are so much more than that. You’re an amazing person that deserves so much more than I can give you right now. I’m trying to keep you from hating me in the long run. Why would you want to spend your time trying to fix someone that may not be able to be fixed? I don't know if I’ll ever feel right again and god… Blaine(8:13pm): You’ve done everything right. I need you to know that. You’re perfect. The best thing that’s ever happened to me, you mean so fucking much to me. I didn’t do this because I don’t want to be with you. I want to be with you more than anything... I just don’t know when I’ll ever feel like me again and that’s not fair to you. Please, don’t think it’s because of you. I’m the messed up one and you deserve better. Blaine(9:15pm): Please, Seb. Talk to me. I’m begging you. Anything, I’ll take anything. I miss you so much already.

He curled into himself, his phone clutched in his fingers like a life line and while he thought he might not be able to cry anymore he managed to cry himself into a fitful sleep. When he woke up the next afternoon, the only messages he had were from Cooper and Sam and he cried all over again. He’d broken his own heart into tiny little pieces and now he was sure he’d done the same to Sebastian, he regretted it more than anything he’d ever done and probably anything he would ever do again. He stayed in bed and ignored everyone for the rest of the day. His heart aching with each beat as if it could also feel the three giant holes December and January had left in him. He’d not only lost his parents, but he’d lost his person, someone he was sure he was meant to be with and he’d done it to himself all because he couldn’t figure out how to exist anymore.

He’d give anything for his dad to tell him he’d be okay and to feel the squeeze of his hand on his shoulder, or to feel his mothers arms around him again, whispering how much she loved him, or to see Seb’s for Blaine only smile light up the room and take his breath away. None of these things were possible. He felt worthless and alone, and still so very much in love and he knew, without a shadow of doubt, that he’d feel this way forever.

Sebastian’s POV:

Sebastian didn’t know when he fell asleep. It was somewhere between his mother softly knocking on his bedroom door and the snow beginning to fall outside his bedroom window. His entire body felt tired and heavy in a way he had never experienced, not even after Lacrosse games or Warbler rehearsal. Sebastian reached for his phone in the tangle of blankets out of habit and saw the splash of texts across his screen. Seeing Blaine’s name brought up another surge of confusing emotions- sadness, anger, loss. He didn’t want to respond. He wasn’t sure how to articulate how he felt and his gut reaction was to say something mean. Seb decided to not say anything at all and deleted all of the messages. Maybe it wasn’t fair but was it fair that Blaine was already saying he missed him?

In the back of his head, behind all of the stubbornness, Sebastian knew that Blaine was going through a lot and this was all a part of his mourning. He just couldn’t let go of the hurt or the embarrassment or the fact that the other boy decided to make the decision for the both of them. Sebastian threw his phone across the room, he didn’t want to hear from anybody for the rest of the night or maybe even the rest of the week. He wondered if his mother would let him skip class tomorrow or if his father would let him move onto campus during the week (it might help in avoiding Blaine).

Sebastian stared at his dark bedroom ceiling and a million feelings and thoughts infiltrated his mind and body. He took a deep breath but it wavered with the threat of tears. He wanted this to be over, wanted to numb how sad his heart felt and how unwanted he was. How terrible was love anyway? You give everything for another person, you let them see every ugly part of you and you give up all of your time for them and you still end up thrown away like old newspapers. Was it ever enough? Everybody reminded him all of the time he wasn’t worth it and Blaine had solidified that for him. Sebastian decided he’d never fucking do it again.

Seb snuck into his father’s study, stole  a bottle of whiskey and made it back into his bedroom without being seen. He drank until he didn’t feel anything but the floaty, dizzy spin of too much alcohol. The whiskey lulled him to sleep but he dreamt of Blaine the entire night.

/fin.