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mistmarigold · 4 months ago

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What if Sunjae doesn’t die the night before? (Lovely runner au) / Part 7

All other parts here.

—

Sunjae wakes up with a start.

With breaths coming out in gasps and sweat beading on his face, Sunjae grabs his heart, gently caressing it almost as if rubbing away the pain. He picks his phone and finds Sol’s contact, almost calling her before seeing that it was midnight.

Sunjae heads out of his room and pours himself a glass of water, his hand shaking to the point that he had to grab it with his other hand to settle somehow.

He walks to his balcony and steps out, breathing in the chilly air, the harsh wind slapping him back to reality. Sunjae sits on the bench and leans against the glass door, closing his eyes and trying to take deep breaths.

For a moment, he wonders if it happened because he stopped taking his pills - any pills. It had been some time since he stopped, it wasn’t an intentional decision and he didn’t even realise it until a week had already passed. So he never went back on them. He was sleeping better, eating better, and he was writing again. All three of those things he hadn’t been able to do without medication since his insomnia kept getting worse by the year.

It’s been so many years and yet it felt like everything happened yesterday. His nightmare was too real, with varied details but it all ended with the same outcome: Sol unconscious and bleeding while he’s helpless.

Sunjae shakes his head, trying to shake away the images even if his heart raged in his chest. He desperately wanted to call her. But it was far too late and she was probably fast asleep.

Lately, Sol had been working with Hyunwoo on their film and was quite busy. He heard a lot from Hyunwoo but rarely ever from Sol. They weren’t friends so it made sense especially with Sol so frustratingly adamant about their idol-fan relationship / neighbours that never met (as per her).

Last night, Hyunwoo had called him up just to sing praises about Sol. He talked less about work and more about how Sol had been a godsend for their project - it made him smile.

He realised he was smiling now too, his heart calming down gradually.

Sol had been the greatest mystery of his life. He felt strange thinking about her in those terms even though it was the truth. He knew her long before she ever knew him. Back then, he had known her schedule, her friends and even her crush. He knew the routes she used to take and where she worked. At one point, he was the human pillow for her even if it gave him cramps and ended up with renting a movie he had no business renting (as a teenager).

He was there for her in her most vulnerable moment.

But that’s where it ends. He had no idea how she spent all these years since then. He couldn’t tell her that she made his life better by coming back into it.

He couldn’t tell her that he had loved her since they were in school. Or that he was the one who had ruined and saved her life back then.

That he still gets nightmares of her accident, always ending with him losing her (before he even had her).

Sunjae sighs, his body still, even if frustration and yearning courses through him.

Sol was the greatest mystery of his life because he was never really sure about anything when it was about her. She turned him into a ball of knotted, conflicting emotions that had nowhere to go.

Sunjae knew sooner or later, they’d have to talk it all out. It was selfish. Because she didn’t need to revisit her past and why should she go through it just because he wanted her to know where it all began? Wasn’t it enough that he didn’t wake her up in the bus back then because he was a lovesick coward and ended up destroying her life?

There was never any clear direction or answer. He wanted to lay it all out so they can move forward, whatever it may be. But then, a part of him also feared losing her all over again. Yet, keeping all of this from her felt like a betrayal.

He didn’t think that way before but the more he got to know Sol, and vice versa, he constantly felt like he was betraying her by not telling her the truth. The entire truth, not half-baked story about being neighbours. She deserved to know the truth.

He just wished he knew if she wanted that. She seemed happy and settled with her life, even if there were a lot of struggles. She always puts on her optimistic, brave face with that signature beaming smile.

He didn’t want to do any damage, not any longer. Once was enough. If they hadn’t met again on that bridge that night, maybe it would’ve all been better for everyone.

Half an hour later, Sunjae found himself standing at the same spot they had met that night. The temperature had dropped more and the wind had picked up. He was chilled to the bone but he couldn’t find it in himself to go home.

He truly felt like his heart would burst open but his mind remained clinically empty.

“Sunjae?”

He really thought he hallucinated that voice. Given how his night was going, he wouldn’t be shocked.

Sunjae turned to the side to see Sol with her friend farther behind, talking on call.

“What’re you doing here?” Sol asked.

He gave her a small smile, “I was just getting some air.”

She looked around, “it’s a bit too chilly to do that, no?”

A pause.

“Are you okay?” She asked at last.

He nodded at her, with a reassuring smile, “everything is fine. Why are you out at this time?”

Sol got confused for a second, “oh, we were just walking back to Hyunjoo’s car where it’s parked. It was a lot of traffic earlier so we decided to walk to the festival and well let’s just say we got carried away.”

“Would you like me to drop you?”

She shook her head, “no need, it’s right around the corner!”

“It’s getting colder by the minute. Let me drop you. Maybe I was supposed to be here so I could do this,” he suggested, looking over at her friend who was finishing her call and walking towards them.

Sol chuckled, “interesting hypothesis but really, we’ll be fine.”

Sunjae looked over at Hyunjoo and asked, “can I drop you to your car?”

She spared a moment to Sol, hesitated, almost pleaded with her eyes before muttering a soft, “yes please, it’s too cold.”

“Sure, come on in,” the three of them walked to Sunjae’s car while Sol and Hyunjoo argued in hushed tones.

Sunjae opened the passenger door for Sol as Hyunjoo helped her in the car, Sunjae packing away the wheelchair and putting it in the trunk while Hyunjoo settled in.

Their car wasn’t parked too far and what would’ve taken them 15 mins to walk, they reached in 5.

“Thank you so much, Sunjae-ssi. I’m sorry for bothering you but I am very grateful - the cold was too much,” Hyunjoo said, about to get out of the car.

He looked at Sol, “is it fine if I drop you? It’s late already so Hyunjoo can go home and I can drop you?”

Sol looked at the time.

“Oh no, I’ll drop her. I got my car for her so it’s basically hers anyway. Don’t worry, thank you-“

“Sunjae can drop me. It’s fine, Hyunjoo. He’s right, it’s getting late and you live far from me,” Sol twisted around to say it to her.

“No, but-“

“It’s okay, really. I don’t mind,” Sunjae affirmed.

Hyunjoo looked at Sol, gauging her reaction. Whatever she saw on her face assured her enough that she said bye and went to her car.

“I’m sorry for bothering you, Sunjae,” Sol said.

He shook his head, “no, you aren’t. I offered.”

She gave him a small smile while he looked ahead, focusing on the road.

The silence was neither uncomfortable nor awkward. It was just there, existing between them.

For a moment, Sunjae thought it reflected all the years that went by between them, without Sol knowing anything. There was nothing to be said or done, time went by as it was supposed to. Neither was he waiting for her or expecting anything from her. Some days, he wondered if seeing Sol that night at the bridge was a fluke. A hallucination or a long dream that he’s supposed to wake up from.

“Thank you,” Sol whispered, fiddling with her hands.

“You’re welcome, it isn’t a big deal,” he took a quick look at her.

A pause.

“No, I- thank you for dropping me. But I meant to thank you more for introducing me to Hyunwoo. I’ve been working with him and it feels like a distant dream is finally taking shape.”

Sunjae could hear the wistfulness in her voice. He turned to find her smiling at her hands before looking up at him.

“I know I said things that day, and I just realised I never properly told you or thanked you about it.”

Sunjae smiled at her, “you don’t need to thank me, I just connected you both. Everything else took shape on its own. You are doing things yourself, Sol.”

She nodded, “perhaps. But still, thank you for trusting me enough to do this for me.”

Sunjae shakes his head, unsure how to respond. There was so much unsaid between them and he wasn’t sure how to say that trusting her was the easiest thing he has ever done in his life, without freaking her out.

So he let the silence be, basking in knowing that Im Sol was in his life, in his car, right next to him. And she was smiling.

As they rounded the corner to Sol’s apartment, her bag fell off her lap and on the floor of the car.

“Hold on, I’ll pick it up. I don’t want you to hit your head,” Sunjae brings the car to a stop.

“I can pick a bag, you don’t have to do that,” Sol replied in a small voice.

She bent down with her arm stretched, seat belt stretching against her, when Sunjae gently pulled her back.

Sol didn’t look at him.

Sunjae began, “Sol, I didn’t say that because I thought you couldn’t do it on your own. Of course, you can pick up the bag, what’s the big deal about that?”

Sol didn’t say anything.

“Can you please look at me?”

Sol closes her eyes for a moment before turning towards him.

“You’ve been following Eclipse for a long time, right? So I’m sure you know a lot about me. For instance, my love language-“

Sunjae realised his error a bit too late.

“I mean to say, every time I offer to do something for you, I’m not saying it because you can’t do it yourself or because I’m pitying you, or any such thing. I’m doing it because I consider you-“ Sunjae trailed off.

“Because you consider me?” Sol probed.

His hand clenches by his side, “Important. It’s because I consider you important to me. And I like doing things for important people in my life - that’s it. I know we’ve had this conversation before but I want to say it again: please don’t think I’m ever pitying you just because you use a wheelchair. You’re still you even if things were different.”

Sunjae opened his seat belt before leaning over to Sol, doing the same for her and gently putting the belt back in place to prevent it from snapping against her.

Next, he bends and stretches his arm to grab her bag near her legs. His thumb grazes against her leg and Sol moves a bit.

“Here you go, it wasn’t so hard, was it?” Sunjae teases.

“Still, I’d rather you don’t do this. I don’t want to keep owing you favours or bothering you or thanking you. It feels weird,” Sol bites her lower lip.

“What exactly?”

Sol takes a moment to answer.

“I know we were neighbours and everything but I’ve always seen you as a …star, far away in the sky. Someone unreachable, almost fictional. And then one night, magically, you are walking towards me with an umbrella and it feels like a dream.”

She chuckles, “You see, if you walk into my bedroom right now, you’d realise how truly …far you are from me. I literally have posters of you, Sunjae!”

“Strangely, I’m confused if I should be flattered or creeped out.”

(He couldn’t care less.)

“Exactly, exactly! I feel way out of my depth sometimes. Like it’s all happening to someone else and I don’t personally know Ryu Sunjae. I know you used to go to the school across from me but it is a different thing to know that as a fan, and different to know while you’re right across me. You’ve never really existed in my orbit until that day-“

“What day?” Sunjae interrupts.

“Huh? Oh, I don’t think you’ll remember but this one time you guys went for a radio show and I got a call from you,” Sol recalls, cringing in the process, “actually it’s good that you don’t remember because I was really out of it and super rude.”

That day never really left Sunjae, much like everything else when it came to Sol.

“And you basically…. made me want to live again,” Sol gives him a soft yet wide smile.

“I remember that day.”

It slipped out before Sunjae registered. Sol’s smile dimmed a bit.

“You do? But it’s been so many years…?”

He shrugs, “I guess some things stay with you.”

Hesitantly, she asked, “did you know it was me before this conversation?”

He wanted to deny - let the past remain where it was. They weren’t ready to go there yet. But he owed her truth.

“I did.”

“How did you know that?” She turned more fully towards him.

It was Sunjae’s turn to look away and stare ahead.

“You said I’ve never existed in your orbit. What if I tell you that you’ve always been in mine? I knew you since we were in school. Since before I was a singer, writer or or a celebrity - when I was a swimmer.”

Sol’s eyes widened a fraction.

“All these years later, I don’t know how or why we met again. But that night at the bridge, I knew who you were, Sol. You were in my life before I had anything at all. You even attended one of my performances back in high school. So you literally have been there all along, forever existing in my orbit.”

Silence stretched between them, with both lost in thoughts (Sol) and memories (Sunjae).

Sol’s phone buzzing in her lap got their attention as she says, “it’s getting late, I should leave.”

Sunjae nods and turns to open his door, Sol’s hand on his shoulder pauses him.

He looks at her hand first and then at Sol who was looking down.

“There’s a lot I don’t …remember from back then. Maybe I saw you and met you as well? Just like you knew about me, perhaps I did as well? We might not have been friends, sure. I know as a fan I would’ve loved to say that if I knew Ryu Sunjae back then, there’s no way I would’ve forgotten him!” Sol chuckled up at him. “But the truth is there’s a big period that I don’t remember at all.”

“Is there a reason?”

She shrugs, “I suppose there is, yes. A part of me wants to remember everything but the other part is fairly …scared even though I’m sure it wouldn’t be the same. Secondly, it isn’t that out of the blue I mean I’m in my 30s, surely it’s okay to not remember your high school stuff?”

Sunjae laughs and nods at her, “it’s okay, you don’t need to remember. You’re fine as it is.”

Sol smiles widely at him.

Sunjae gets out of the car and opens her door first before going to grab her wheelchair from the trunk. Once he was back by her side, Sol was ready to go with her legs on the side.

Sunjae holds out his hand that Sol wonders about for a second before grabbing it and clutching it tightly. With her other hand, she holds on to the car.

As she puts her body weight to shift to her chair, her coat gets snagged on something at the console, pulling back Sol and making her stumble. Sunjae’s arm instantly goes around her waist holding her up before helping her settle back in the passenger seat.

“Are you okay?” He asks, leaning over her with his arm still around her waist.

Sol nods at him, attempting to give him a small reassuring smile before saying, “it’s okay, it’s okay, don’t worry.”

Her death grip on his other hand was saying otherwise but Sunjae decided to keep that to himself instead.

“Okay, let’s do this again then?”

Sol nods at him.

“At the count of 3, 2, ..1.”

Before Sol had even registered properly, Sunjae had boosted her up with his arm by her waist and shifted Sol to her chair.

She blinked and shook her head lightly, still gripping his hand. Sunjae smiled down at her, leaning a bit over her while waiting for her to let go (but not wanting it one bit).

When Sol finally realises, she abruptly lets go and clears her throat, looking away. Sunjae wanted to laugh so bad but instead he picks up her bag from the car and hands it to her, their fingers brushing ever so lightly that he really thought it was his imagination. It was Sol’s instant gaze up at him for a breath of a second that assured him that it did happen.

“Thank you for dropping me,” Sol whispered.

“No problem, let me-“

She interrupted, “you don’t have to walk me to my door. It’s already super late and I don’t want anyone seeing you here and troubling you even more. Please, Sunjae.”

He was about to protest but sighed and gave in, nodding at her.

“Goodbye and get home safe,” Sol does a tiny wave before turning around to leave.

“Sol!”

She turned again to face him, her brows furrowed in question.

Sunjae takes a deep breath and goes for it, “trusting you was the easiest thing I’ve ever done in my life, I wanted you to know that.”

#apologies for the month long wait #it was unintentional #thank you for sticking around and reading #I wrote the 1/3 part of it twice bec tumblr lost my updated draft #it was hard bec i fr forgot a lot of what i was going for #decided to backtrack and focus on og soljae again #I got lost a bit #anyway this is an attempt at what if sunjae had dropped her that night #lovely runner au #soljae #lovely runner fic #my fic

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