#tw:self conscious

[nonstop-smashing-expectations]

Pillow Forts and Movies: Poly!Hamilsquad x reader

Requested by: Anon

Prompt given: Would you be ok with writing a Poly!Hamilsquad x Reader, where the reader is chubby and worried about their weight? It’s ok if you don’t want to but thank you for seeing this ask.

Warnings: Reader has low self esteem, low self confidence, self critical thoughts

Word count: 1,943

You quietly shuffled over to your closet that you shared with your boyfriends, trying your best not to wake them, well most of them.

Alexander was already awake, drinking coffee in his office, no doubt already busy doing work. Everyone else was still sleeping, not having to go to work until later in the morning.

You paused at the closet doors, glancing over at the alarm clock on the table near the bed.

The green numbers read 4:00 AM and you muttered angrily under your breath. Why’d you have to be such a nice person?

You normally didn’t work until 6:00 AM but last night you had a co worker beg you to cover their shift tomorrow morning because of an excuse you couldn’t even remember any more. All you know is that you agreed to take the shift, knowing that your co worker was probably lying about why they needed the day off. Most likely, they were going to party all day.

You, as gently as you could, opened the closet doors, wincing when the sound echoed across the room.

You froze in place, hoping your boyfriends would sleep through it. None were exactly morning people (although Alex was tolerable after two or three cups of coffee) and you didn’t want to know how cranky they would be if they were woke up earlier than normal.

Lafayette rolled onto his side, snuggling closer to Hercules, while Hercules’ loud snores only paused briefly before continuing. John had been sleep talking about turtles beforehand, but he paused for a second, scaring you, and then he resumed talking about how the turtle was winning a fight against a panda bear.

You shook your head, laughing as quietly as you could. You knew that in the morning, John wouldn’t remember his strange dreams, Hercules would fiercely deign that he snores and Lafayette wouldn’t want to admit that he likes to cuddle in his sleep.

You reached into your closet and pulled out a new shirt that you had just bought.

You really liked this particular shirt, for some reason it just made yourself feel much more confidence in yourself than you normally felt.

Normally you felt so self conscious and a bit awkward next to your less chubby co workers and friends.

Your boyfriends promised you that you were great the way you are and that they loved you no matter how you looked. They also said they would support you no matter what you wanted to do in regards to your looks. You didn’t really believe them, it was hard to when you were the one who had to look in the mirror everyday. It was tough and the world is very cruel to people who don’t fit their “perfect” expectations of how others should look.

Feeling sad, you sighed and quickly looked through the rest of the closet in order to find the pair of work pants that paired well with the shirt. Of course, it was hidden toward the back of the closet.

Walking to the bathroom, you quickly changed clothes and went through the rest of your normal morning routine.

Standing in front of the mirror, you pulled at the shirt, making sure it laid as flatteringly as possible. Once you were sure the shirt looked perfect, you headed down the stairs to the kitchen.

You quickly prepared something that you could eat in the parking lot of your work.

Alex, who had heard you open the door to the kitchen, left his office long enough to refill his coffee mug for the third time in as many hours and to wish you good luck at work.

You rolled your eyes at Alex, knowing that he probably won’t even remember you left that morning as he was still functioning on autopilot.

Ten minutes later you parked in your works parking lot. You felt like today was going to be a good day, and although you didn’t know why you felt that way, you weren’t going to question it. Today was going to be a good day!

That bubbly-dizzy feeling of happiness vanished as soon as you walked through the front doors.

It was a typical workplace, people tended to gather in small groups before their shifts started to discuss what they wanted to do on their days off.

So when you walked in, you immediately felt like everyone’s eyes were on you.

Blushing, you tugged at the edge of your shirt, making sure it still looked perfect.

You walked down the hallway, being hyper aware of the people around you.

You walked past a group of people, people you might even consider friends, who erupted into giggles when you walked by. Someone within the group started trying to shush them but it was useless because they too were giggling.

Your ears seemed to burn as you continued walking, and you blinked rapidly in an attempt to hold back tears.

The first half of your shift continued in much of the same fashion. People would either start laughing and giggling as you walked by or they would suddenly start talking quieter, like people do when they are talking about a person in close proximity with them.

You decided that you’d take a late lunch toward the end of your shift, and instead would work through your normal lunch time. You did have a project you needed to finish and you’d rather throw yourself into work than focus on the stressing thoughts about your weight and looks.

Fourty minutes later, you had turned the project in to your boss and was sitting at one of the tables in the break room.

Your lunch consisted of leftovers from your favorite meal that Hercules and Lafayette had made the night before, and a small portion of your favorite dessert.

You had your first bite of food over halfway to your lips before you saw what everyone else there was eating. The person sitting nearest to you was eating a small salad with fresh fruit, someone else was eating a cup of yogurt, and the person in the far corner was eating a salad as well.

Suddenly not feeling hungry, you packed up your lunch and hurried out of the room, your sadness from this morning rushing back.

You only had five minutes left to your shift so you left, knowing that the person who started the next shift was already there and could cover the last five minutes of yours.

You knew that because your shift ended before your boyfriends’ did as they all worked the same shift and carpooled as their work was near each other’s, that you would be the first person home.

You were very grateful of this fact today, as you really didn’t want them to see you cry. They knew you struggled with how you looked but they didn’t know how deeply it affected you. There were times where you didn’t even want to look in the mirror.

That thought kept repeating, causing tears to well up.

You pulled into your driveway and parked the car. You managed to lock the car and stumbled blindly toward your front door, fumbling to get the key in the lock.

You yanked the door open and let it slam shut behind you, unable to see enough to lock it.

You didn’t even make it to the couch before the day’s events and your self conscious thoughts overwhelmed you.

Sinking to the floor, the sobs started.

Burying your face in your hands, you cried, sad and angry at yourself and your coworkers and at the thoughts you couldn’t stop. Today was supposed to be a good day! Whatever happened to that?

With tears streaming down your face, you couldn’t see the people walking through the front door, although you recognized the foot steps.

You weren’t sure who heard your sobs first, or who first ran up to you but soon you were surrounded with your concerned anxious boyfriends who wouldn’t stop asking what’s wrong.

You shook your head in response to their questions, not really wanting to talk about it yet.

The boys decided that they would do what they normally do to cheer each other up, they build a pillow fort and watch the person’s favorite movie.

Lafayette sprinted down the hallway in search of blankets, grabbing the ones off the bed, carrying them back to the living room.

Hercules grabbed the pillows off the bed and stopped by the linen closet for more pillows and blankets on his way back.

Alex coaxed you over to where they were going to put the pillow fort, and once you sat down, he handed you several pillows to lay on and a blanket to wrap yourself in. You smiled weakly at him, pretty tired from crying.

John carried in the chairs from the table setting them in a certain pattern.

Hercules and Alex helped build up the fort walls with pillows and once that was completed, John carefully draped a couple of the blankets over everything.

Together, they crawled into the fort entrance and laid down next to you, Alex having grabbed the t.v remote on his way in.

In silence, he pressed play and your favorite movie began to play on screen.

Soon, the tears came to a stop and you watched the movie with a smile on your face, happily snuggled into the arms of your boyfriends.

Halfway through the movie, you fell asleep, snoring slightly.

Alex smiled at you and moved his arm that was around you so you’d be slightly more comfortable. The other boys did the same and they too smiled when you shifted slightly in your sleep, snuggling against them.

They all knew that you would eventually want to talk about why you were crying when they came home but they weren’t going to pressure you to talk if you didn’t want to.

They just wanted you to feel safe and be happy and they’d do whatever they could to make that happen. They loved you so much and they couldn’t imagine how their lives had been like without you before.

They loved how you smiled at them, even when you thought no one was looking. They loved how you seemed to fit so seamlessly into their group, first as friends and then as lovers.

They loved that you cared about other people and that you were passionate about your beliefs.

Alex liked how you would set reminders on his phone when he wasn’t looking so that he would be reminded to get lunch and to take a break for a bit or to go use the bathroom.

Hercules liked how you would occasionally offer advice with his work and offer input when he was stuck on a design.

Lafayette liked that you spoke French around him, as much as your skill level would allow, just because you knew that sometimes he just wanted to talk in French.

John liked that you complemented his art and sometimes you would point out things that you thought would be a good focus for his artwork.

Speaking of art, John wanted to draw this moment, you and the rest of the Hamilsquad, cuddled under blankets, everyone looking calm and unworried.

One by one, they all fell asleep, although Alex stayed up the longest.

He said he hated this movie but he still stayed up to watch it, although he’d never admit that to anyone else.

Right before he fell asleep, he leaned over to kiss everyone’s hair (as it was all he could reach from his position on the outside of the cuddle pile) and shortly after that, he fell asleep.

[acquittcd]

{ So I just had an Addams family nightmare??? SORT OF? Like-- ok. It was disturbing. Even for them. Like Gomez was off at a summer camp with Pugsley hunting bears and then  just eating them raw with their teeth, with  a shaman in a type of ritual thing, and then Tish was at home, all depressed because she asked Gomez not to go to this thing cause it was too dark for Pugsley and they weren’t ready cAUSE HE’S ONLY A BOY GOMEZ. AND GOMEZ IS ALL- ‘THIS WILL MAKE HIM A MAAN CARA MIA! :DDD’ but then somehow- Tish get’s possessed from Gomez’s and Pugsleys bear eating and she’s in the kitchen with Wednesday moping around and sighing and trying to make a potion and all of a sudden she just goes blank and slits hers wrists in front of Wednesday and the blood is like spurting everywhere and it splashes all across Wednesday, and then Gomez LIKES FEELS HER DYING AND WAKES UP FROM HIS BEAR EATING TRANCE AND STABS THE SHAMAN GUY BUT ITS TOO LATE, TISH IS ALREADY DEAD IN THE KITCHEN AND WEDNESDAY IS JUST KNEELING BESIDE HER IN A PUDDLE OF BLOOD AND THIS IS THE STORY OF HOW I WOKE UP.  GOOD MORNING TUMBLR.  W T F xDD } 

[ashitomarisu]

I can't even speak normally without my mom telling me to tone my voice down. I'd rather be silent and invisible.