#tw:ednos

[thismayflower]

Probably my final rant for the night

But

The fact that even after being in remission there is no removing of the eating disorder and your thoughts simply remain you just have to learn to manage and combat them. Every single day I have to have an argument with myself and constantly getting told that no matter how old I'll get I will never stop having those moments or thoughts.

The earliest I can remember feeling this way was 6 years old. I never asked for this, this fucking disease that will never leave me. It's not fair.

Anyway I'm pissed off.

[kenatachan]

I went to the bathroom today at work and I got distracted by my phone so I was in there for like.....a decent amount of time. And I come back and my kids start laughing and I’m like “awk they totally know that I pooped but whatever” and then they say

“We we’re saying that you were so tiny you probably fell in and got stuck”

And dear Jesus. I’ve never had another human being call me tiny before.

Yes. Short.

But not tiny.

Literally my personal body image fluctuates so much with me being comfortable with how I look to me exercising multiple times per week for hours and only ingesting food so that I don’t die.

Like I’m loving the validation that someone thinks I’m “tiny” but at the same time it’s all I can think about and now I want to go workout just to get smaller and this is not the mindset I should be in right now

[obligatory-regal-name]

My favorite part of tumblr mobile is the fat shaming and weight loss ads they show me like :-)))) I don't post about having an eating disorder on this blog :-)))) it's fine :-)))))

[jessicrunk]

I feel super disgusted with myself right now. Ice cream and cheesecake. I could seriously fucking cry right now if it wasn't for the fact that I'm with friends. It's too late for me to fix it, and again, I'm with friends so it's not like I could even if I wanted to.

[moulumbird-moved]

aaaah wow this is so unhealthy but ive been keeping this to myself since like?? grade eight and its been bothering me a lot lately ;;

i love it when i see myself at a certain angle and i look oddly thin. like.. not in a good way?? i like to see my wrist bones pop out and i love it when i look unhealthily skinny from certain points of view. i think its the best thing ever when my skin starts to become sort of see-through and bruises and marks are always nice to look at. comforting even?? when i can see my collarbones in a picture or something it fucking makes my day and i think about starving myself a lot- ive never done it though because i promised a few people id stay healthy.

i cant fucking stand it when people comment on the chubbier parts of me because i know im eating fine, its only stress fat and i cant help but stress out about it and gain more and repeat. i like seeing the bones in my hands and i wish i was a little smaller. maybe a lot smaller. and i KNOW this isnt healthy and its concerning and im scared but i cant help but think if i was thin enough to feel my bones i might be happier?? its not that i want to be a size zero or be light as a damn feather.. its just that i grew up with everyone around me being pale and tall and skinny as fuck and i cant be like that and it drives me fucking nuts

sometimes i eat a lot in one sitting, and im not proud of it, but sometimes i throw it right back up (gross yes but it makes me feel better). sometimes im just not hungry and i wont eat for days until i realize what im doing and force myself to walk to the fucking fridge. i dont know whats wrong with me but i want to be super fucking tiny and i want to have self control but.. eating disorders are something people see as a girl thing and i cant be seen that way ..

so i guess ill sit here and pretend its cool and fine because im not a girl and i dont want to be seen as one (this is bullshit tbh holy fuck) and i cant bring myself to ask for help because these thoughts are clear to me and thats what scares me. dont worry about me though, i have coffee right now

so anyways that aside how is everyone else today??

[concretejunglegym]

Being so weird about food. I was really hungry. So hungry. But I didn't want to eat anything. Nothing felt "right". And it upset me to think of eating something that's not right and all the things made me nervous. And scared and panic-y thinking of eating them. And my hunger felt large and deep and vast. But I just didn't feel like eating things that weren't right. I did eat. Something 'safe' but not right and it was really difficult. And I'm still hungry and I have more to eat but the above is happening still.

[blogfml-blog]

I was brilliant with my calorie intake today until shit happened and I asked my friends to get hella drunk and then we went to kfc. Now I'm sober and can't sleep.

[fromgreytodarkdappledbay-blog]

Night thoughts. TW: Eating Disorder :/

Don't feel okay with myself. Yeah, laughed a lot yesterday, but it's like washed away and left me incredibly numb. Want to hit my head against the fucking wall, just to let this inner pain out. Kinda wanna cut again, fuck over a year of cleanness. I'm not worth it. I deserve to suffer. To freeze, to have shaky hands, an empty, growling stomach. I know that I can't eat today. I literary feel like purging right now. Kinda miss the feeling, well my disordered part of the brain. I don't know which part to trust. I'm far away from being recovered. I can't take this anymore. No, I don't think it's getting better, seen all in all. I'm sorry.

[deputycas-blog]

i really hate my body right now tbh

[d-epressedandbroken]

10/11/2014

Trigger warning: calorie counting, ednos, restriction

Coming to university was a big mistake. I'm not ready to be away from my parents because i'm still so dependent on them which I know is pathetic but I am pathetic. Since I got here I've been drinking so much more than I did at home because all we do is go to parties, it gives me a bit more confidence but at the same time it's making me gain weight at a rate I can't handle. I've been purging after nights out because i'm still so scared of liquid calories but it makes no difference.

  I considered myself to be well on the way to recovery before I got here but now the sight of myself in the mirror makes me feel sick to my stomach. It doesn't help that all of the girls here are pretty and have boyfriends and there's me the fat, ugly, awkward one who doesn't even get a second glance from a boy. 

  I hate myself for giving in to my feelings because if a friend told me they were worried about weight gain i'd say fuck the media ideals and just live your life and love yourself but my ED will not allow me to treat myself the same way. As of tomorrow I will be going back into calorie counting and restriction, it's the only thing I know how to do when my brain gets so bleak.

[veganangelicala]

tw:ednos

[cssereforte]

and i don't usually drink it all anyways

198 is too much already.

[pinkshadesanddietcock]

this is one hell of a vicious circle. Everything is triggering, I feel like shit and it's getting worse.

[thehumanprideproject]

Do you remember that time? Do you remember that time when you took your first step, of course you don't but I do Do you remember the time you first said my name, of course you don't but I do Do you remember the time when you entered kindergarten, you were smiling from ear to ear, of course you don't but I do Do you remember the time when you stopped talking to me, of course you don't but I do Do you remember the time you came home from school, tears streaming down your face, I asked you what was wrong but you just said to leave you alone and you locked yourself in your room, of course you don't but I do do you remember the time you started skipping meals, and I begged and pleaded with you to eat, of course you don't but I do do you remember the time you reopened your wounds before they could heal, of course you don't but I do do you remember the time you laid in the bed in the hospital, tubes in your arms and on a breathing machine, of course you don't but I do do you remember the time that you drifted away, of course you can't but forever I will It is estimated that 8 million people in the US have an eating disorder, 7 million women and 1 million men. Each year thousands lose the battle. Eating disorders are illnesses, they are not a choice. If you know someone with an eating disorder please get them help before its to late. A good starting point is the National Eating Disorder Association. Their website is http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org and you can call their helpline anytime at 1800 931 2237 they also have a click to chat feature on their website.

charlie

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