#tw questioning reality

[justanintrovertedartist]

hi yes this is mainly me just. spitballing writing dont mind me

Am I real? This question slams into my mind, a tsunami relentless against a peaceful coastal town. I must be. I must, as I am thinking, I am feeling, as the words I write cover the shower walls. Yet the contrarian answers, “You are not real. You are a messy collage. You are a sculpture of your own creation, melding the thoughts and feelings of those you admire into a vague approximation of a being. You are not real, and you never were.” In some moments, the contrarian is all I hear, the town flooded with sludge and filth. Other times, the town is overcome with clear waters, the people watching sadly, safely, from nearby.

Those times are when a voice whispers gently as an ocean breeze. “You are real,” it says. “As real as the tears cried at a symphony, the elation of sand beneath your feet, the feeling of sun on your skin.”

“You are a constellation of all you have ever loved. You are a scrapbook of memories and moments of joy and sadness. Tell me, how can such beautiful things be fake?”

At this the waters recede, and the sea finally calms.

[starleska]

just saw Heretic (2024) and am delighted. without spoiling anything, regardless of your religious conviction or lack thereof you'll be challenged on your faith, morals, and the question of whether or not belief constitutes reality, and whether the answer to that matters at all. please go and see it!!!!

[five-thousand-loaves-of-bread]

feel like. more n more because cognitive stuff get worse. becoming “unreliable narrator” of own life. if have heard of that literary term.

can’t tell you what am want even if give choices. can type make noise make gesture that mean yes automatically before even process question but actually answer is no. can borrow other people words say thing that thought is true about self only turn out very wrong. don’t know if want something. don’t know if like something. cannot answer those questions.

can’t tell you whether symptom getting worse or stay same or be better. don’t know if regression slowed or stopped or just past point where regression took even that awareness from me. ask me what symptom experience, if am experiencing this symptom. say yes, think do, but am i? actually understand what symptom is, actually understand n aware of self? for example. say have body weakness. genuinely think that do experience word that say “weakness”. but do actually experience the experience that is weakness? do actually understand definition of word “weakness”? not on purpose lie but, is what say n genuinely believe about self actually reliable.

really is perfect gaslighter, be perpetually gaslit by own cognitive symptoms, cannot escape, because it inside me. but not even know if it gaslighting because what if it not gaslighting what if it actually true. even facts that have nothing do with personal experience. did make it up, did i make reality up. is reality real. “are we live in simulation” except not meme joke. but actually. feel nothing different than made up shows that watch, while can’t shake belief that made up shows real just different world or actually part of this world we just just not aware (similar to how people like us cannot begin imagine what be ultra rich like).

feel as if float in space majority of time. not have self awareness. be in own world all time but not have self awareness of actual things actual self. not have awareness of surrounding.

[please don’t tell me you relate unless am know you / we friends / mutuals & you also have disability that really affect cognitive]

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

this whole fear of repressed memories regarding sexual abuse has been following me around for years, probably since I became aware of memory loss/repressed trauma in the first place, but idk why it's been so intense this summer and it's really really frustrating how every time I think I've worked through it and gotten over it, I see a picture or someone says something and I'm all "I'M SCARED THAT THIS FAMILY MEMBER RAPED ME AS A KID AND I JUST CAN'T REMEMBER IT" and like. it's so frustrating because it's literally a symptom of OCD or whatever that I can't stop going over and over and over this, and it's driving me nuts that I can't seem to trust my own mind

[demonidoodles]

Oc concept doodles but over time they get too crowded for my liking

Textless ver under read more

[insipid-drivel]

"Biz, what would you like for your birthday this year?"

"For nobody to misgender me for a day."

Turned out too much to ask (:

[vampiricbisexuality]

I’m failing at the diet that I made smh

[thinkin-bout-milgram]

I believe Mahiru has Schizophrenia

(Go to third paragraph if you want to skip my prefaces and meandering. I also put a fairly simple to understand DSM-5 criteria screenshot from one of my textbooks for schizophrenia near the bottom)

Admin Saturn here post Mahiru drop, I’m sure others will have either similar or very contrasting thoughts on this but I thought I’d offer my own perspective on it as a psych major and a person with a family member who has schizophrenia. She definitely shows a lot of symptoms of schizophrenia which of course doesn’t necessarily mean this is what they’re intending to portray with her, nor a good portrayal, but I want to put my thoughts out here.

I also want to say that I’m most familiar with schizophrenia and this could very easily fall into a different psychotic disorder I’m less familiar with so I’ll be doing some research into those to either rule out other possibilities or hone in more on a potential schizophrenia portrayal.

Starting with the most basic, she’s near the typical age of onset for schizophrenia in women which is mid 20s to early 30s. (although of course theres a very broad range)

Going on to criteria A. To start there are three ‘main criteria’ that are often the most telling for people with schizophrenia. These include 1. delusions, 2. hallucinations, and 3. disorganized speech. I would say mahiru definitely meets delusions and hallucinations based on this MV. 

While auditory hallucinations are the most common, and having fully formed and incredibly all encompassing visual hallucinations like the ones depicted in her MV are very uncommon, milgram depicts very specific and intriguing cases. The fact that all the prisoners hear our voices also makes it difficult to be able to tell if she might experience auditory hallucinations as well, but it’s something I’ll be looking out for. 

To say more on delusions (and keep in mind I’m reporting all this in a very simplified version sans context because theres a lot about delusions within psychotic disorders. And also this is just with just a quick refresher from a previous textbook) there are a few kinds. Mahiru would be expressing erotomanic type where you believe a person is madly in love with you and you two were meant to be together. This is most often experienced in relation to celebrities but again, milgram tries to take looks at the most ‘intriguing’ cases.

The other criteria are 4. grossly disorganized or catatonic behavior and 5. negative symptoms. Schizophrenia can be thought of as having negative and positive symptoms. Positive symptoms are things like hallucinations and delusions that add a nonreal experience where negative symptoms reduce a typical experience/self expression. (again, simplified) So some negative symptoms a person could experience would be reduced affect or a lack of pleasure from everyday activities. I don’t see her having any reduced affect but I could definitely see her having grossly disorganized behavior.

Grossly disorganized behavior includes not understanding you have a problem (specifically in a lacking insight way), another thing is cognitive slippage where a person will jump from topic to topic or talk illogically. While we haven’t seen her have these symptoms recently, the deterioration of her notebook entries could be an attempt to show the audience this.

A person must have at least 2 of these 5 symptoms.

She also def meets criteria B (worsened hygiene at the very least which doesn’t even bring in how much these actions likely impacted the other aspects of her life)

I can’t say for sure with C, D, or E, however F I can say has been met.

Something important to note is that it’s hard to tell if Mahiru would meet the criteria of experiencing this for the past 6 months. We don’t know how long she was holding him captive (although I think from the wear it looks like he experienced it was longer than the few days expressed in her journal) but it’s still difficult to know. If she hasn’t, it would be important to look into schizophreniform which is a shorter version of it and brief psychotic disorder which is an even shorter version. These can have a better long term prognosis.

In regards to outcomes that people with schizophrenia can experience long term with treatment vary. Unfortunately, many people never make a full recovery and continue to experience symptoms, especially those who never receive treatment. Schizophrenia is typically considered a chronic disorder. They typically benefit most from a structured inpatient facility with good care and this is a disorder where med compliance is one of the number 1 things that can impact recovery. However, that definitely doesn’t mean they can’t. With med compliance, a good support system as well as coping skills and frequent checkups symptoms can severely lessen to almost disappear. Especially with schizophreniform and brief psychotic disorder, there are a lot of cases where a person can experience one case of it and never have these symptoms again (although it is also a very big risk factor for a later schizophrenia diagnosis)

Another thing to consider going forward in regards to being able to ask her questions would be asking about childhood and family history. Schizophrenia is highly hereditary and there are also some early flags in childhood that include atypical beliefs or some of the negative symptoms.

From a personal standpoint, I would also say that my family member expresses a lot of floaty whimsical type ideas. Not quite in the Mahiru love way but it has similar vibes? I don’t quite know how to describe it because it’s such a specific mannerism but it’s just another coincidence I thought I would add.

Theres always the availability heuristic and I know a lot about schizophrenia and it’s something I think about a lot more than the average person. However, I do feel that she meets a lot of criteria and I’ll definitely be looking for more signs.

[primus-why]

Sad Idea (tw: infertility mention)

Okay but what if when Orion got reformatted into Optimus, the Matrix gave him The Ideal Body To Go To War With? Like, it cut out unnecessary parts of his past self-- not just emotionally, but physically as well...

What I'm trying to get at: what if one day, the topic of sparklings come up. Maybe the humans they've been hanging around asked about the various ways a new Cybertronian comes to exist. Maybe the war is over, and someone innocently asks Optimus if he has ever considered being a creator.

Optimus might politely wave off the idea, citing he's too busy as Prime to give the care and attention deserved by a sparkling. But in private... or maybe even to just his amica/ a close friend or two... he admits that he did once want to be a creator, however, that's no longer in the cards for him...

... because the Matrix didn't deem a gestation chamber a necessary asset for a Prime at war.

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

I was just thinking the other day that after my psychiatrist takes me off the antipsychotic I'm on I could float the idea of getting off the antidepressant too

[miasmaghoul]

so i was rereading your work today, and i just have to say. you are such an amazing writer. i have only been moved by a few works before, and chapter 5 really tore my heart to pieces. i mean, i sat in my bed crying for a good half of an hour.

if you don’t mind me asking, do you have any motivation for the stuff you write? like what inspired you to write suspended reality and make it as sad as it was?

i hope you continue writing this heartbreaking work until the end of time because god you are so talented. thank you for giving us such amazing work

OH BOY, TIME FOR THE BIG REVEAL (not really but kinda)

Personal talk time! I'm on mobile so I can't add a read more line, so skip this one if you aren't interested.

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Suspended Reality was, initially, inspired by the impeccable @coreyvoss tagging a post about how Dew would react to losing his spot in the band. "Without this I have nothing."

I took the concept and ran (real fuckin far) with it. Eventually, it just became me telling my own story. Changed names and circumstances, obviously. But the story I told here is actually something I experienced.

Every single thing that happens in this story - yes, every one - is something I went through in real life. Every bit of isolation and self harm and suicidal ideation. Everything from the incredibly regretful hate sex to the attempt itself. Mine, obviously, didn't take. Not for lack of trying.

And from Aether's perspective? That was me too. Dealing with the suicide of my best friend. I still have the necklace she left me. Miss her every day.

I've been holding on to this shit for...close to 15 years now, between the two events in question. So when people tell me it feels real, and believable, and visceral and uncomfortable...that's why.

That said, I've needed to get this shit out of my head for a long, LONG time. With the ghouls being the blank canvases they are, it was the perfect opportunity. I never expected it to take off the way it has, or for so many people to relate to it.

So yeah. No real motivation or inspiration. Just a story that's been in my head for almost half my life that I finally let myself tell.

Sorry if this is hard to read, if you've made it this far, but it feels important to say. For everyone who wanted a happy ending - I'm sorry, but it doesn't always work that way.

💜

[musical-chick-13]

The worst feeling is seeing women are my favourite ghy posted everywhere but none of those users who post it even care or support female characters.

You are not wrong!

I don't have a problem with people quoting "women are my favorite guy." I really don't think it's meant to be malicious, it's a joking meme phrase that's meant to elicit a smile due to the unexpected way it's worded. And I don't have a problem with people liking male characters (hell, I myself have had three emotional breakdowns over one of them in the past two days!). What I don't like is that a lot of people I've come across seem to be saying this phrase as some sort of "proof" that they Really Care about women. And many of them. Do not actually seem be making an effort to back up that claim. (And this isn't even just in the context of refusing to engage with female characters-it's avoiding media created by or for women, it's harassing actresses for playing characters they don't like or who "get in the way" of a desired story outcome, and most egregiously, it's the way so many people treat female victims of domestic abuse or other similar kinds of trauma or mistreatment.)

It's not the fact that this meme phrase exists, it's the fact that too many people are hiding behind it as a show of "support" without actually doing anything. And, honestly, it's the specific way that people use it to suggest that we don't still have a rampant misogyny problem, both in and outside of fandom. If women were your "favorite guy," you'd treat them better. (At the very least, you would spend some time actually thinking or talking about them.)

[sp-ud]

*Admits the blog is them playing a character*

*entire blog is dedicated to being this character*

*could not more clearly be a roleplay blog*

*proceeds to continue tagging as unreality*

[battlemageserioth]

Werill's Serenade

Episode 2:

"Show me the City of Towers!"

The booming voice of the battlemage echoed in the hall, as the mist before him started swirling, taking new colours and shape... Before morphing back into a grey mass floating in the middle of the room. Serioth muttered "Damn it", under his breath, before trying again.

"Show me the City of Towers."

Again, the fog moved, as if disturbed by the wind, but again, the image dissipated long before it could become clear.

"Please show me the City of Towers?" he tried, wincing.

Same result.

"Show me the City, damn you!"

"Are you okay?"

Serioth jumped, and turned around. Jim was standing in the doorframe. He was wearing an oversized robe, had a tired look on his face and a coffee cup in his hand. The battlemage frowned.

"What are you doing here? You told me you were going to sleep!"

And Jim needed to rest. The spell he had cast to save him left its mark. The necromancer was sickly pale, his eyes were glassy, and he had a bony silhouette. It wasn't that he was extremely thin, though he had alway been the thinner of the two, but his nearly white skin was almost translucent, leaving his bones visible. His long brow hair now had long strands of white, and his legs were slightly shaking. He was slowly recuperating, clawing his way back to the world of the living, but he still looked like one of the dead.

"I did sleep. Nine hours, in fact."

"...really?"

"Yeah. You've been staying up all night."

"Ah."

Jim crossed his arms, squinting at him.

"You've got to rest, man. I swear, if you manage to die after I made you a lich, I'm gonna kill you."

"You can't-"

"Shut up."

Serioth sighed. Jim was at his most annoying when he was right. He could see it in his own reflection, and in his years of studying magic. To be on the receiving end of so much mana had consequences. It wasn't wild magic in any way, filtered through the incantations of necromancy, the days of continuous rituals it had demanded and of course, Jim's own magic, but that was irrelevant. Mana was the force of change. And change him it did. His skin was scarred where the magic had flown, in great patches of bony white, on his torso and his back. He was quieter, having to make a conscious effort to be heard when he talked, and even his shadow was somehow thinner. Sometimes, it stopped following him entirely. None of it was permanent, but he had to take care of himself, to avoid letting his grip on the living world weaken, and becoming nothing more than a wraith. And he hadn't be doing that. His moustache, usually impeccably groomed, was a mess of brown hair going in every direction, and his muscular figure was hunched over by the weigh of fatigue.

"...fine. I'll get some rest."

"And drink some water."

"And... Drink some water. Yes. Whatever."

Jim shook his head, and sighed.

"Good. I can't believe you managed to live this long while treating yourself like shit."

"It made me strong."

There was a moment of silence between them, as Jim turning around to leave through the door.

"No. You were strong already. It just made you tired and hurt."

Serioth didn't know what to say to that. He watched him leave and sighed. Maybe he did need some sleep. Staying up all night was just unreasonable.

He looked through the window on his right, then frowned. How did he not see the sun rise? How was he not seeing it right now? This window was on the east side of the tower, he was sure of it. Was it that late? Afternoon? No... No something was wrong. He could feel it. Serioth clenched his teeth, and sat down. Maybe Werill's memetovores incident had more effect on it than he thought. Maybe he was becoming paranoid. Still. It felt so much like when that... Thing was attached to his neck. This feeling of losing touch with reality, after noticing the smallest inconsistences in...

A scream. Serioth froze. It was Jim's voice. The battlemage jumped out of the room and rushes into the corridor. The scream was still echoing, but somehow, he knew the something had stopped. The silence... Around the scream, somehow, was heavier. And then, he saw it.

It was above Jim. A great thing of skin and teeth. A bald, naked head, tall as a standing man, at the hand of a gigantic neck. Its eyes were two white, sightless orbs. Its flesh was almost visible through its grey, scroll like skin. And its maw... No word could describe the gaping, terrible thing that it used as a mouth. A black holes that did not simply swallow light, but consumed and erase it entirely. It was barred with pointed teeth that looked like those of a deep sea fish, dripping with blood from the wound it had inflincted on Jim, as the necromancer was trying to keep it at bay with a dagger that looked ridiculous in comparaison.

A false hydra, seeking to consume Jim.

Serioth jumped to action, animated by old reflexes. He knew he could not let that thing sing. The mage raised his arms, and a great spear of ice flew down the hall, catching the beast in the neck. There, it exploded in a sphere of water that gargled the song the hydra tried to let out once again. The head retracted, but Serioth did not give it any chance. He closed his fist, and a ball of fire struck the things head, exploding. The beast screamed as the smell of burned flesh invaded the tower. Finally, the scream was cut short, as a disk of ice flew through its neck, slicing it clean. The head fell, shriveling up under the heat of the flame, and Serioth finally allowed himself to bend the knee and try to catch his breath. Not for long, though.

He rushed towards Jim, who was lying on the ground, and winced. His leg looked horrible. Blood completely covered it, and the fact that it was still attached surprised the battlemage.

"Jim! Are you okay?"

Jim smiled, clenching his teeth.

"Yep! Just peachy!""

"Not the time. Stay still, I'll heal you."

The mage put his hands on the wound, and a green light started glowing from it as it closed.

"What... What was that..?"

"A false hydra. Worry about it later, right now, you'll need rest. Healing spells take energy from your body-"

"I know how healing spells work," said Jim, already sounding sleepy.

"Alright, alright. Don't move I'll get you to bed."

He took the necromancer into a princess carry, and stood up. There, he froze.

The neck of the false hydra was slowly retreating, like a wound tentacle. It stretched on and on, into the forest below, and out of sight.

[convictedsodomist]

Sometimes, I like to frolic outside of my flowery little classic lit meadow and explore other, mildly more cursed sides of tumblr

Today I discovered: Al Pacino tumblr

Just blogs upon blogs dedicated to Al Pacino

Is Al Pacino even still alive?

What is Al Pacino?

What

[jupiter--dream]

So we have lots of books in my house, and my dad sorts them by theme. And there's the "religion section" which only has two books: a bible he bought to read, not because he believes, but because of culture and wanting to know what Christianity is about;

And a book titled "erotic Christmas stories"