#tw nonsuicidal self harm

[perpetualexistence]

Sea Monster AU: Poor Unfortunate Soul (1/2)

'What's with the 1/2 in the title, that's new' you might be asking yourself. You see, this part right here was actually originally supposed to be just one Then, I realized I'd need to split it into two, 'Poor Unfortunate Soul', and the next part I'm not spoiling the title of yet.

Then I started going into this, looked at the time, looked at the word count, and realized it's for the best if I just split this up once more. Future Perp might end up renaming this chapter as the title definitely fits more for the second part than it does this one. Time will tell.

Either way, before we get to the post proper: Warnings! Oh boy have we got them for this part and the next!

Content warnings: Non-suicidal self harm, Body horror

Since the content warnings happen as part of a scene like rather than a brief mention, I've separated the more gruesome bits with asterisks. You can look all the way down at the bottom for a safer summary.

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Now that Noah has a book on magic, he has to deal with the problem that Chris could never get past: actually reading it. It's not in any language that Noah can recognize. Still, he's smart and can recognize patterns in text thanks to his poetry phase. He manages to work out the basic alphabet. Now that he's got that, his next step is simple. Create a program that will translate the text as he scans it. He'll get to save so much time, and might even be able to get what he wants faster as he can just search for whatever seems most promising.

The book snaps shut the first time. Noah can't excuse it as the wind when it happens again. After a few attempts, he finally manages to get a good scan of one of the pages.

One waterlogged phone later he realizes why there weren't any references for how to actually use magic on the sea monster database.

Magic really doesn't like cheaters.

So instead he has to translate everything himself using the alphabet he figured out. It gets easier as he keeps doing it, and eventually he no longer needs to look at his reference sheet in order to read it.

Before that can happen, he needs a new phone. Both because he's a young adult addicted to having a screen with him at all times, and because without one he won't be able to talk to Owen, who is currently one of the few things reminding him that there's some good in humanity, and that all of this pain is going to be worth it.

He doesn't have any disposable income. Yes, he has some of the treasures that Alejandro gave him from the ships they hunted. But the problem is actually selling those. Now that people are noticing the disappearances (thanks Alejandro), he can't exactly sell anything identifiable from those very ships that have 'gone missing'. His lazy ass had just sat on them assuming that he could sell them whenever he pleased.

Present Noah would slap Past Noah if he could.

So he goes to his mother to ask for a new phone. Which is a task in itself given her multiple jobs. He'd text her, but that's part of the problem. He'd also prefer not to get his older siblings involved because they'd just ask questions. The one good thing about having an overworked mother is that she rarely questions why you want things, and as the baby you can exploit this to its maximum potential!

Noah's a terrible son.

He'll make it up to her when he actually does manage to sell off his stolen goods. Like a criminal. Which he is. As an accessory to murder. Multiple counts.

He can either think about this too hard or he can have a new phone.

So he manages to track her down and asks her for a new phone. He doesn't ask for anything fancy, just something that works. She looked at him, gave him an all too familiar rueful smile, and told him they don't have the money right now, though he can try using one of his siblings' older phones.

Noah's not too surprised by this answer. Living as they are, it's always a gamble for when they do have spare cash. What does concern him is the look in her eyes of someone who doesn't want to burden others. Not just the burden of saying no.

The burden of hiding something. And there's only one things he's ever tried to hide from him. The loan shark's back.

He does this every once in a while. Usually when they're getting too close to fully paying him off. He'll hike up the interest rate or make up some bullshit fee. He'll expect a big immediate payment, and then lay off for a while until he's ready to wring them by the neck again.

He'd have pushed the bastard directly into Alejandro's mouth himself if he wasn't so good at covering where he was. The fact that he's in town means he's going to stay a while. There's no telling when he'll move out, or if he'll even do it by boat.

That's a problem for another time, as much as he loathes to leave it hanging. He's got to get more money from somewhere else. Not just for the phone now, but to get the loan shark off his family's back again.

Noah remembers Duncan. The guy made his reputation as a delinquent known just from the five seconds he got to know him, and spoke about going to juvie. It'd be a risk, but Noah's running low on options. He's not about to watch his mom work herself ragged again.

He gets in touch with him Duncan via Owen. After assuring Owen that no, he's not dead because it's been two full days since he texted, no he's not mad at him either, he just dropped his phone in some water. Luckily for him, Owen's willing to help the two meet without asking too many questions.

Duncan, meanwhile, has plenty of questions. First of all, who Noah thinks he is just asking for Duncan to fence stolen goods for him. Second of all where someone like Noah would even GET stolen goods. Noah lets him know that he can either have answers to those questions, or he can get a profitable cut. Duncan begrudgingly agrees (which has nothing to do with the fact that Noah accidentally lets slip why he needs the money, and Duncan's still got a bleeding heart).

Noah starts with just enough money for a new phone. He can't just dump everything onto Duncan, because then his curiosity/suspicion would definitely outweigh his willingness to help Noah.

Now that all of that is settled, he can finally get back to translating and studying magic.

He learns that in order to use magic, he needs proper tools to do so. And he can't simply buy these tools. No, for the magic to work properly, Noah needs to make these tools. The making imbues them with his essence and makes it so the tools will only ever work for him. Since he's working with sea magic, he's got to use it from materials he finds underwater.

The only place underwater he can safely look without Alejandro catching on is an underground cove he found connected to Chef and Chris's place. Which limits his options severely. So he decides to keep on reading for the actual spells to see what he'd actually need before figuring out how much of a migraine he's going to have.

One thing he notices rather quickly is that all of these spells must be prepared and performed underwater. This part wouldn't be a problem if not for the fact that unlike merfolk, Noah does need oxygen. So solving that problem takes priority.

He finds that solution in a ritual that will give him gills. However, it presents him with a choice. For there's two different branches of magic: the slower, safer process and the faster, more painful process. In this case, Noah can either take the time and effort needed to gather ingredients for a potion that will give him gills that he can open and close at will...or he can make himself a permanent set of gills.

Noah would love to pick the first one. But the longer he takes, the more Alejandro will eat, and the longer he stays a threat. So the second option it is. He starts wearing a scarf and uses the perpetually cold lie. Mostly for Alejandro's sake. Which is good because Alejandro does 'playfully' remove the scarf to see what's underneath the first time he sees it, and once satisfied that there's nothing, doesn't mess with it like that again.

Now Noah needs a knife of coral. Noah's lucky that the new cove he's in has agatized coral. With it being fossilized, it's old and has more of a connection with nature, making it a perfect magic implement. Noah's able to get pieces out, but now he has to make a knife out of it.

Who better to ask but the resident knife expert?

Noah does need a more reasonable excuse for this one, so he pretends that he only needs to learn how to make a knife due to self defense because he's getting paranoid with all the disappearances. Duncan points out that that's bullshit because Noah could just buy a knife then. Why the hell does he need to learn how to make one?

Duncan's asking too many questions, so Noah throws his hail mary. If Duncan can stop asking questions about pretty much any of Noah reasons and helps him out with learning how to make a knife and maybe a few other things, he'll use his hacking abilities to get rid of Duncan's criminal record. That's an offer Duncan simply can't refuse. So Duncan agrees to teach him, and over time, Noah crafts his knife of coral. He adds the runes that he needs to enchant it by himself. Both because that's meant to be a private affair, and so Duncan doesn't say anything despite his bought silence.

Now to actually do this.

***

Noah gets all the underwater runes and preparations done one dive at a time. He also makes sure to get makeshift medical supplies for himself. He's doing this as close to the surface as he can in case everything goes to shit. He'd prefer not to bleed out.

He stares at the knife in his hands. He's actually going through with this, isn't he? No going back. There will be permanent evidence that he's taking a stand against Alejandro if he finds it. The whole 'sea monster vs. sea witch' conflict he'd read about doesn't promise anything good when Alejandro realizes he's using magic.

He could seriously screw himself up. He's a genius, but he's no medical expert. One wrong cut and it's lights out forever. One wrong move and he's fish food either way. He's come so far, he can't afford to let himself get choked up now.

He slices the right side of his neck before he can let himself doubt any more. He's unable to stifle a yell of pain. He loses precious oxygen when he's just started. He has to finish or else this won't work.

He slices the left side of his neck to keep it balanced. More oxygen lost. Now that he's cut both sides of his neck, he can feel the cuts throbbing. It feels like the cuts are burrowing themselves deeper than he made them. They are creating new passageways into his lungs and they burn.

His instincts kick in and he begins to swim for the surface. The runes he set forth earlier start to glow and he finds himself unable to move far from the spot he started in. He's holding his breath in for as long as he can. There are more cuts to be made but he wants to pass out now. But he can't. He has to keep going.

It's when he starts making the second cut on the right side of his neck that he feels his first set of gills go from a burrowing sensation to a throbbing one. He's about to pass out, but it should be safe now. He just needs to breathe.

It's a battle of sheer will over his instincts to force himself to breathe in while underwater. He feels water go in through his gills yet not through his throat like an injection. It is shoddy and feels like when Noah is so congested he can only breathe through one nostril. That would likely be why he needs three pairs of gills total.

***

With at least enough air not to die, he forces himself to finish the ritual. By the end, he's underwater, breathing in and out. It's no longer panicked as he forces himself to take nice deep breaths. He has to pinch his nose shut to stop himself from instinctively breathing through it when underwater. He'll either stay here or keep coming down until breathing underwater comes more nautrally.

He still can't believe he's even thinking that. He's actually breathing underwater. He did magic. It can be done. This crazy, stupid plan of his might actually be doable.

It's a start.

[Safe for work summary: Through a lot of pain, Noah manages to make himself a working set of gills.]

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

tw: mention of harmful stimming(?)

hello! there's this motion that i do when i'm stressed/angry (i'm not even sure if it's stimming tbh): i kind of...pull at the skin on my forearms? i sort of cross my arms and...clasp my hands around the skin and slightly tug at it? it's never gotten so bad to the point where it bruises or bleeds or anything like that, but i'm aware that if i do it too often or too hard, i may accidentally hurt myself. how can i redirect this into something else/stop it entirely before it actually hurts me? thank you! ^^

Hi there,

Before I go into detail, I am going to go over suicide. Viewer discretion is advised.

What your describing sounds something called non suicidal self injury (NSSI).

Many people struggle with this, my myself included. I fall to the floor, hurting and bruising my knees. I punch or stab something (like a box). I didn’t care about hurting myself at that time. I had completely lost it.

I found an interesting article covering a study about NSSI and suicidal rates among people who have ASD:

Suicide represents the second leading cause of death among youth in the US. Nearly 1 in 5 adolescents with ASD self-report STBs. They are also more likely to experience depression and premature death by suicide than adolescents without ASD and the general population, respectively. Investigators sought to assess diagnostic and sex-based differences in STBs (suicidal thoughts and behaviors) and NSSI in youth with and without ASD. They concluded that although clinician-administered resources have not been developed to measure STBs in adolescents with ASD, the Columbia Suicide Severity Rating Scale (C-SSRS) is a widely accepted screening tool for detecting the risk for suicide and was, therefore, used in the study.

The link will be below if you want to read more of this study:

I hope this helps. And I hope you have an amazing day/night. You deserve it. Sending hugs. ♥️

[anxietysroomsupport]

(TW self-harm) I only connected my habit of cutting to self-loathing and doubt for the first few months I did it. Now, I do it for reasons I can't even pin down, and I've gotten efficient at it (my god, that feels so fucked up to even type out). I make sure I'm doing it safely, and I've never been suicidal. So it makes me feel like I'm weird seeing so many things about how self-harming makes you a depressed, suicidal person when I'm perfectly fine. I just self-harm casually, I guess. -h anon.

Hi h anon,

You might be weird, but that’s okay.  And my hot take is that casual self-harm (when done safely!) is theoretically*** okay, too.  Let’s dive in.

Only finding content that links self harm to suicide is very common, because the concept of Nonsuicidal Self-Injury has really only been closely studied for the last 20 years or so.  

This line from the article, “NSSI refers to the intentional destruction of one’s own body tissue without suicidal intent and for purposes not socially sanctioned” is really crucial.  Particularly the part where it says “not socially sanctioned”.  Because there are already socially acceptable ways to hurt ourselves in many societies and cultures.

Tattoos, piercings, neck coils, head-flattening, coral implants, and plastic surgery are just a few techniques humans have come up with to modify their bodies, and these are practices that were (or still are) acceptable within their specific cultures.  For some of them, pain is unavoidable.  

A lot of people experience “tattoo addiction” and although it’s not proven why, one reason could be the physical reaction to pain.  “When you’re injured or in pain, your body releases endorphins, natural chemicals that help relieve pain and contribute to feelings of pleasure.”

The main difference between all these accepted practices, and NSSI, is that you get something ‘good’ at the end of the process.  People everywhere feel like, if you walk away from a time of suffering with a tangible, visible thing that you can enjoy later, then it was all worth it.  The art on your back or the nose that looks just like in the picture, those are tangible results that people can generally accept as ‘worth’ the pain.  Even if those are just the side effects to the person’s actual (even subconscious) pursuit of pain, or modification for modification’s sake.

***The big thing that is really making NSSI unsafe is that it is not culturally accepted and, therefore, has to be done in secret, alone, where no one can help you if something goes wrong.  Because no one’s perfect all the time, and even if you take every precaution and have a 100% perfect track record so far, you can’t predict or control every outside force, or even your own fumbles, every time you do it.  So, until NSSI parlors become a thing, casual self-harm cannot be performed safely and it would be much wiser to redirect your interests into something like tattoos or piercings, where people are trained and are being paid to make sure no unplanned harm comes to you.  Even with amateurs, there’s at least one other person there.  You could always take the piercings out and have them done again later, or insist the artists use ink colors that don’t show up very well (or-glow-in-the-dark, that’s a thing!).  And no one will try to make you see a doctor for having that kind of work done.  

If you continue NSSI, make sure you have a robust safety plan.  Have someone (or multiple someones) that you know you Will call if something goes wrong.  If they aren’t medical professionals, give them a heads up on what to do if you call them.  Always check that your medical supplies are stocked first.  Research the training piercing artists get to make sure their customers are safe, and apply it to yourself.  Train yourself not to flinch (and possibly seriously injure yourself) if you’re surprised or interrupted.  

And have a plan for what you’re going to do if you do get caught.  How would you want things to play out, and what steps can you take now to help get closer to that outcome?

-Miss Fay