#tw ng tube

[cosmicseafoam]

ohhhhh

Dew's elemental transition damaging his vocal chords beyond repair

Dew who can no longer sing

Dew who can only communicate through small clicking noises

Dew with vocal chord paralysis so bad that he can no longer eat or drink and has to get an NG tube inserted

Rain, who comes out of the pits immediately so enamoured with Dew that he secretly learns sign language so he can teach Dew, so they can communicate whenever they need to, even on stage.

[theethlezprincez]

still in the hospital and being tube fed since tuesday. i feel awful, i miss my cats. but the staff are okie. i cried the first night lol. it feels like i’m falling deeper and deeper in a deep black hole.

[trans-axolotl]

I'm getting a NG tube placed and I'm really scared...do you or any of your followers have any tips for how to deal with it?

Hey anon!

I can totally understand feeling anxiety about getting a feeding tube placed, especially since it's something you might have never experienced before and there isn't always a lot of info out there. It is something that you will get through, and it honestly was really easy for me to adjust after a few days.

For me, getting the tube placed was kind of difficult, but not awful. It wasn't painful at all, but had a lot of sensory discomfort. The nurse had me sip water through a straw while she placed it, and that helped. For the first couple hours after the tube was placed, it felt really noticeable and like my throat was irritable. I had a hard time talking and even though I could absolutely breathe easily, it just felt kind of hard. Having cough drops on hand really helped, as well as drinking water and just taking it easy.

The next three days were kind of an adjustment. It still felt noticeable, but much better than the first couple hours. Definitely still have cough drops and water on hand, and also expect your nose to run a lot.

After three days, I honestly couldn't even notice it anymore and the only annoying part was that sometimes the tape would get itchy. I used duoderm tape as a base and that helped a little bit.

Other things that can be helpful is getting a wedge pillow to sleep with, especially if you have continuous overnight feedings. Learning to sleep slightly upright was hard for me, but pillows helped.

I don't really have any tips for managing the flushes or pump because I wasn't in charge of managing my own, but if any followers want to add on please do.

Know that all your feelings about it are valid, and also that the first three days are the hardest and you can get through it! I don't know how long you'll have an NG tube in, but you totally can still do all the activities you're used to doing. There's some things that will be an adjustment, but overall I started having a ton more energy when my nutrient needs were being met.

Please feel free to ask any other specific questions, anon, and wishing you the best!

[diaryofbillie]

Having a tube forced down my nose was one of the most traumatic experiences I had in hospital.

I tried to draw what I remember but it’s hard when this time of my life is very blurry however I remember exactly how it felt. I was shouting at my mum to tell the doctor to take it out while my body went into shock and lost feeling in all my limbs and I couldn’t move. I was too weak to move so I just had to lie there feeling cold calorie compressed liquids being pushed down the tube.

I will never forgive myself for letting my mum see me in that state.

[troubledwaters]

[mysoulisglitter]

to eat or not to eat? HELP PLS

ive come to tumblr for help

tw for pr0-@n@, ng tube, inpatient, mention of mealplan(cal0r!e$ not stated tho)

so i have an0r3x!@ and am currently being fed all my nutrition via an ng tube in an inpatient unit

the thing is, ive been offered ONLY HALF of my daily intake if i choose to take it orally as supplement. i have pros and cons to both sides of the list and i can possibly get discarged while having solely supplement. ive been told to go for it by professionals and obviously i dont want to do it but having less calor!3$ and being able to go home are good options…. i just dont want to recover in the process AND id have to go all in with the plan bc i dont want to experience the guilt of drinking it just to have another ng feed

id like help from people not persuading me to recover. i still want to he sick and i dont want to hear people saying “oral nutrition wont make you less sick” please because thats not the kind of support im looking for right now x

[gay-jewish-bucky]

I have some thoughts relating to how HYDRA fed Bucky during his captivity based on this post by @luna-rainbow.

It's implied that the Winter Soldier was only active for 50 of the 70-or-so years Bucky was held captive.

I think at the beginning he was fed by force, and later through an NG tube, as a way of exerting power over him during training and conditioning as they broke him down and molded him into their weapon.

When the Winter Soldier began operating, I can see them moving over to a TPN-like substance (which began showing promise in the 30s and 40s, with the more modern form of TPN being invented in the late 60s) they'd developed. They'd likely intentionally leave major nutritional gaps where they could, reducing Bucky's neurological capacity in an attempt to increase his complacency.

I think the central line would be replaced every time they woke him up from cryo, because they couldn't be bothered to maintain a clean and functional line.

After he escaped, he struggled heavily with learning to eat again, developing symptoms of ARFID. Eventually he began to handle gradually increase the solid food his body could handle, which is what allowed him to pack on more muscle between TWS and CW.

[theethlezprincez]

i tried choco nutridrink today but it didn’t end wel. it hurts so bad and i feel like they think that i’m not trying to eat/drink. LIKE I AM TRYING OKE!!!!!!!!

[trans-axolotl]

one of my fav ed recovery moments has been when me and another patient who had both had NG tubes went to get matching nose piercings together on the side of the nose we had the tube in :) reclaiming our noses and saying FUCK YOU to our ED and the institution that tubed us. I’ve got a fabulous nose stud now and it was such a fun and beautiful moment with the other patient. we had seen each other through getting tubed and towards the end of our time in res together we kept saying we wanted to go get matching nose studs but neither of us actually believed we’d be able to get out and do it. but we did and it was amazing + watching her and four other patients get piercings was so so so fun. very good memory

[starboundanon]

🖊

🖊 Post a snippet from a current WIP.

Direct continuation of this.

tw: darkfic, depression, stockholm syndrome, NC touching / medical exam (non-graphic).

"No," he says eventually, mumbling into his pillow. He can’t remember the last time he spoke aloud. "I’m fine. I don't need a medic. Just sleep."

"You have done nothing but sleep for some time, young one. You scarcely leave this room. You rarely eat. You will let the medic examine you."

Luke sighs, curling up tighter in response. Vader stands after what feels like a full minute, and another man takes his place at Luke’s side.

"Hello, Luke," the man says. Luke lays still, waiting. "My name is Kix, I’m the chief medical officer assigned to Death Squadron. I need you to roll onto your back for me.”

Summoning the will to turn over takes an eternity. Vader moves to intervene, impatient, but Kix holds out a hand to stall him. When Luke finally manages to roll onto his back, Kix begins the exam, poking and prodding him, inserting various instruments into various orifices. He doesn’t have the energy to feel invaded, not even by this. It’s just a body. Just one more thing.

When the exam is done, Kix turns away, speaking to his father like Luke isn't there.

He’s grateful.

"My Lord, it's just as I told you," Kix says. He sounds almost impatient. Irritated, even.

Vader sounds equally so. "You said it sounded like depression. Like malnutrition."

"It is depression and malnutrition.”

Vader’s modulated voice comes out nearly as a growl. "Fix him."

"Clinical studies suggest that that would require addressing the root cause, my Lord. Shall I fix that?”

"Mind your tone, Commander. You know the answer to that. You will medicate him.”

Silence stretches between the three of them, heavy, into infinity. Luke closes his eyes.

"I would advise you to think very carefully before you consider disobeying me,” Vader says darkly. "I have no patience for your ethical concerns. He needs medication."

"More importantly, sir, he needs to eat."

His father snarls. “I have tried, Commander. Repeatedly. He refuses to eat without my intervention, but I do not have four hours a day to coax him through each bite."

Kix sighs, a quiet, defeated sound. "If you insist, my Lord, I will set him up with an NG tube. But I have to warn you, they’re uncomfortable. Unless you leave him immobilized, he will try to pull it out."

"No. If I command him to leave it in, he will."

His father says that last part a little louder, pointed. Luke doesn’t move.

"Very well," Kix says, his skepticism audible. "I will have Emdee bring the necessary supplies if you wish to do it now. As I warned you, it’s not a comfortable process — I will most likely need your help holding him still."

"He will cooperate," Vader says.

Kix makes a somewhat rude noise, brazen, then says, "Listen, my Lord, despite what my fellow troopers think, there are in fact some things in this galaxy that are out of your control."

"That is not what I meant, Commander,” Vader replies, softer now. His voice drops in volume. "Luke is… good. He is a well-behaved boy, he's just sick. He will cooperate."

A long moment passes between them. Then Kix says, "As you wish, Lord Vader. Help me sit him up."

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

15.03.23

TW

2 days ago they tried to NG me. I don't remember masses of the event, just flashes. I remember feeling like I was drowning, I couldn't breathe as the panic washed over me. I remember seeing one of the staff's faces and desperately trying to come back but soon enough her face changed in that of someone who had hurt me in the past. I remember the oxygen mask being pushed on me and not being able to move as I was pinned down.

I later learned that my oxygen had dropped to 74%, my heart rate was so fast they worried I'd go into cardiac arrest and was taken to the hospital where they told me I had fluid in my left lung. They think that where I was coughing so much and couldn't breathe I dislodged the tube and it went into my airway instead of my stomach.

It was pretty traumatic for everyone involved.

They only managed half a syringe so the whole ordeal was pretty pointless.

Today they had a meeting to discuss how best to go forward. They decided they would try once more on Monday again but with the ward manager, deputy manager, a therapist and any staff needed for a restraint. If they can't do it then they will look at a transfer. It could be a general psychiatric ward with a general hospital attached to it where they can sedate me and NG me that way. Terrified is an understatement.

Tomorrow is my ward round where they will discuss things further and I'm asking if they can look at my PRN to try and calm me down further as 1mg lorazepam just doesn't cut it. As much as I don't like taking medication, the idea of what happened on Monday (2 days ago) is unbearable.

Back to today.

I saw a mental health advocate who wrote down my views and what I want from my tribunal. I'm not sure when it will be but I have a solicitor coming on Friday afternoon to discuss things. I just want to be discharged.

[ninjago-fa-story]

Ninjago FA prequel: Restart Chapter 3: What He's Done

~~~3rd Person PoV~~~

"Hello, stranger, it's me again, Aniela. Sorry for not visiting you yesterday, but my friend Bethany broke her wrist and I had to work an extra shift… But don't worry, I am here now." The woman paced a little closer to the hospital bed, covering the patient's left arm. She carefully sat down on the edge of the matress, running her hand up and down the thin, white blanket. After taking a deep breath, she decided to continue her little speech. "I feel infinitely sorry for you. Whatever happened must have been undeniably painful. I hope you can forgive me for my decision, but there was no other way to save your life. But better this than dead, am I right? I know how much of a change this will be, perhaps even a good heap of trauma, there was just no other option. Though I wish there was, I really do…" Emilia started tearing up after looking at the patient once again. The smaller wounds and scratches have healed up really fast, but some things still will never be the same again. All those tubes and cables aren't really helping the sight, either. "It's been three months since I found you in the park… since you fell from the sky. I wonder what was going on before it all happened, the injuries you were suffering from were clearly not caused by the fall. If you evere need someone to talk to, I am right here to listen." The visitor held her hands up to her chest, giving her a good idea. Her hands were lead around her neck once, just until they reached the hook of a thin metal chain that was hanging down to right about her chest. It was a small rose-golden necklace with a red heart made out of stained glass, a gift given to her from her father right before he has passed away from cancer. It was used as a lucky charm ever since, though the stranger propably needs it more than she does now.

The pendant was carefully placed around the man's neck, Emilia just had to make sure to dodge all the important stuff. Now all she could hope for, is that this was not a useless act of kindness, but actually helping.

---Acronix's PoV---

Darkness. That's all I've been seeing for the past... I don't even know how long I've been here for. I guess the woman who visits me every day said something like 3 months... Is my condition really this bad? I really hoped it wasn't. Though I wasn't able to regain control over my body, no matter how hard I try. The void looks different too. Usually it has a comforting gray tone, but now it was pitch-black and I couldn't see my body, just my astral shape. Unlike everything I ever experienced within this space, that constant and monotoneous ticking of a clock is new. There was no clear source of the sound, it was everywhere and nowhere at the same time, but I can tell it's not just all inside of my head. Whatever this is, it slowly makes me go insane. I gotta get out of here! Maybe that merging technique can help, the one my mother taught me when I was little.

Despite the moderate difficulty, I managed to get into a possition that allows me to meditate and focus on nothing but my own body. The Void is a timeless place, though while my soul is trapped here, my body in the outside world keeps its ability to age, though that obviously depends on how much time passes there. Less gravity means less Time-Dilation, and less Dilation means less aging. And in spaces with zero gravity like the Vortex and the Void, including their position outside time and space, aging comes to a halt completely.

My eyes where darting around quickly, my disoriented mind slowly catching up with reality once again. I crossed my legs and streched them out again, over and over again until I found the perfect position. Everything needs to be perfect. Despite my rusted language skills, I somehow managed to get the phrase together perfectly. "Tawana ohala wo. Nakisa nala to." (ng-TW: "Let them merge. Body and Soul.") My astral figure was slowly dissolving into a colorful dust, colors that appeared to have washed out over time, as slowly, the black void turned white and regained shape that resemble the real world.

My vision was still blurry, but i can tell that I was back to consciousness. I felt a rush of electricity run through my entire body, my Elemental Powers. they didn't activate, they just reacted to my living state. For the first time, was able to see Aniela with my own eyes. While I was stuck in the void, her pressence would be announced with a faint pink light. The lady in pink is just as pretty as I imagined her to be judging by her voice. She is probably a little older than me, but that might also just be caused by my slower aging.

Her black hair is worn in a flowing bob, her dress was a certain shade of pink, I assume #de5d83 Blush, my sister's favorite color. The straps and belt were a less certain color, just a normal shade of cyan. But the color complimented her blue eyes quite nicely. just like mine, her skin was tanned, yet ways brighter. Her smile was warm and friendly, pointed right at me. She must be very happy seeing me awake.

It didn't take long for a Doctor to arrive, a face that I was a little to familiar with. It was Liberty, the Elemental Master of Lightning. She has always been one of my closest friends back in the day when the Elemental Alliance still existed. Though it ceased to exist once my brother and I turned our backs. How I wish to have never done that in the first place. I truly do regret everything, but now, things can never be undone. But now that I have the chance to write my future anew, I can finally get rid of what pains me. I can finally let go of my old self. I was kind of relieved to see a familiar face, but the time I am in can not possibly be the future. I am in the past.

Despite my brother's and my initial travel forward, I must have somehow ended up here instead. I know that my father once told me about the living of the Elemental Power of Time, that it will help you if all hope is lost. Maybe this is the safest option. My eyes quickly scanned their surroundings, but except my Battle suit and my father's Pocket Watch, everything seemed brand new. My fathers watch? It was glowing differently than usual, just like my Powers, it reacted to me being awake. Some of it's Power must have been transfered to me back when I was fighting my brother. just like padre said, the Element knows when you are in danger, it saved my life.

My mouth and throat felt dry, the ability to speak was taken away from me. While Libery was gone to get me a glass of water, my mind arrived in reality. I lifted my left arm to wave at Aniela, but the lower arm was missing almost entirely. If I was able to speak, at least now I would be lacking all of it. "There was simply no other way-" I just nodded quietly, I have heard what she was talking about while I was stuck in coma, I may not be mad for her decision, but this naturally came as a shock. Aniela had moved from all across the room all the way to my bed within the matter of a second, holding my weakened body in am embrace I was not expecting. Tears were flowing, the realisation that this was all my so-called brother's fault, what he's done to me… and Freedom. Yes, despite the unspoken hate towards Krux, I was also happy to finally be free. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, the dark tunnel I once called my life. All this was finally over. This is something I don't want to miss out on. 

Aniela and I hat been sitting like this for a while longer, just until the Master of Lightning came back with a glass of still water. Though I was still not able to speak after drinking the entire thing, so it was more than just soreness. "It is completely normal to lose certain abilities after coma, they should come back after a while. You may have to relearn them, though." My hand was lightly stroking my face, the area where my face paint would usually be, now there was nothing. It had become the signature look of Krux and I, but despite this, that never really bothered me. It has even been my own suggestion to add it. Not to hide our identities, but to embrace our roots. Typically Tawali markings, usually worn by hunters and warriors, but they stopped doing these things ages ago, and wore it simply to accessorize. I guess your point of view about some things change if half of your people died in a genocide…

Trailing a bit further down, my hand reached my neck, finding something unfamiliar, appearing to be some sort of necklace. "It's my lucky charm. But it's yours now, it has served me well." My face formed a smile, nobody has ever been this nice to me before, well, with a few rare exceptions.

My body felt incredibly weak, I was barely able to stay awake. This might be caused by al of my injuries, but since most of them have already healed up almost completely, I suggest a weakened state in combination of me having new Elemental Powers, that should go away once I am used to them. Curiousity has struck my mind, I wonder what else I can do with them. But these thoughts faded just as quickly as they appeared, Elemental Powers are not toys, especially not mine. It kind of sucks, to be honest, other Elementals do not carry the burden of an entire Timeline on their backs at all times. But a Keeper of Time's gotta do what a Keeper of Time's has to do.

The five remaining fingers on my right hand formed shapes in the air, I don't know much, but I was quite lucky that the Inventor has taught me Sign Language. Only fingerspelling, but it was better than nothing, especially now that I only have one hand to use. "L-I-B-E-R-T-Y" Just one tiny word and the Doctor was left in shock. "How do you know my name? I never introduced myself..." I asked for pen and paper. reading should work better in this case. We fought together in the Serpentine War. Don't you remember me? I am an old friend of yours. Well, before my brother forced me to turn away and switch sides. I am sorry for what happened, but I had no choice. I promise, one day I can make up to my mistakes. "I am sorry, but I have no idea what you are talking about. my name is Liberty, but you must be mixing me up with someone else. And we never had a Serpentine War. We are at good terms with them." You are Liberty Mclaughlin, married to Cliff A. Gordon, Elemental Master of Lightning. You train alongside some other Elemental Masters in the so-called Monastery of Spinjitzu, all of you part of the Elemental Alliance. "Okay, tell me who you are RIGHT NOW!" My name is Adonis Rivera González, Elemental Master of Time. Speaking of it, what is the current date? She was visibly and audibly confused, but still decided to answer my question. "August 29th 10765. Today is a Saturday." I knew exactly what I had to write, despite knowing that she will probably think I am crazy. I am 25 years from the future. And now I know that I am from a different Timeline as well. A timeline, where we once called each other Best Friends.

It only took me a small demonstrations of my powers to make her believe me. I guess it's easier to believe someone with Elemental Powers if you have one yourself. There is still so much that I don't want to talk about though. Simply because I myself haven't really learned how to cope with it. My brother was really about to kill me, and he would have succeeded if it wasn't for my savior, Aniela. I lost my arm because of him, all of my friends, my family. I have lost everything. But now that I am here, I have the chance to start anew, in a place where "I" did not even exist until now, but that's the good thing. Since there is no other me in this timeline, I can do whatever I want without having to fear disrupting the Time-Space-Continuum. I am free to do whatever I want. I AM FINALLY FREE! All these years in fear of my life and now I can finally be free. A feeling that I never expected to experience again. All this torture finally has an end. I have finally reached the end of the tunnel. I remember, not so long ago, I wanted to end it all, all my suffering, but I knew it wouldn't change anything. The will to not give in and the hopes to change my brother's heart had somehow kept me going. Though soon after entering modern time I knew all help was lost and I got back to where I was before, but now… Now that there is nothing to worry about, I can finally see the hope within myself again. One that I once had given up upon alltogether.

It is finally over.

[chaotic-jjk-fiction]

First Victory

Alpha Toji x Omega Reader

Part Two Of Purchased 

TW: Omegaverse, use of NG tube, kinda force feeding, use of alpha voice, Toji “training” the omega

Once Toji had gotten you home, he proceeded to place you in his bed before grabbing a pair of restraints and attaching your ankle to the footboard. This was to ensure that you wouldn’t be able to leave the bed if you woke up while he was gone, which he doubted, but it made him feel better anyways. After making sure that you were safely secured and still asleep he went to place the few bottles of liquid meal replacement into the fridge. He stopped as he was putting them away to look over what they were, 

“1.5 fucking calories per ml that’s…. 750 calories and I’m supposed to give her two of these a day so 1,500 in total. That’s the daily recommend so I guess it’s perfect.” In all honesty, he wasn’t totally sure how to feed you like this, but how hard could it be?

 It took him around twenty minutes to put everything away before he made his way back to the bedroom. He observed your sleeping for a moment, making sure you were still out cold from the sedatives before changing out of his clothes, and crawling into the bed behind you in only his boxers. He carefully wrapped his arms around your waist, pulling you against his body, taking in a deep breath making sure to fully inhale your scent. It was even more intoxicating at such a close proximity. He found himself falling asleep to the thoughts of scenting you.

He awoke a few hours later to feel you shifting in his arms. He could tell that you were coming to and Toji relaxed his grip around you. He paid close attention to the flickering of your eyelids and the way you scrunched up your face before finally opening your eyes. You took in the surroundings briefly before the panic set in. Where the hell were you? You could feel your heart rate speeding up, your breaths became quick and panicky as you smelled the overwhelming scent of an unknown alpha. Your scent turned sours as your survival instinct set in and you started trying to escape. Toji just sighed and wrapped his arms around you tightly pinning you to his chest restraining your movements until all you could do was wiggle lightly like a worm.

“Come on now ‘mega, don’t struggle.” He allowed a bit of his alpha voice to show through. Your movements ceased. That was the power of the alpha voice, it was incredibly hard for an omega to go against it. 

“If I let go of you, you promise not to thrash around? I’m getting up to make your breakfast” You bit your lip upon hearing his words, torn between the voice in your head telling you to fight back, and the slight pangs of hunger you were feeling. Toji took your lack of response as a sign that you would do as he said and not attack him. He gently released his grip from you. You rolled into a fetal position, burying your face from view in his sheets. 

You hated yourself for liking the alpha’s smell to a point where you wanted to be back in his arms to smell it directly. Toji looked back at you as he walked out of the room to get your “breakfast”. He would offer you the option to drink it instead, he decided, so it would really be up to you how this meal time went. He returned 5 minutes later, drink in one hand and a 500ml syringe in the other. He could tell from the faint scent of blood in the air and by your position, that you had been pulling against your restraint. He sighed quietly, hoping that you hadn’t hurt yourself too bad. He placed the items on the bedside table, before sitting himself down next to you on the edge of the bed. 

“I’ve got your breakfast here, are you going to be able to drink it like a good omega, or am I going to have to use the tube?” You grumbled into the mattress,

“I’m not hungry.”

“That’s not an option” he tried to keep the tone of his voice flat as he spoke, 

“We can either do this the hard way or easy way. The choice is yours.” Toji waited to see what your response would be, but when all you did was turn your face as far to the other side your could, he knew you had made your decision. He quietly drew up the shake into the syringe, making sure that he got all of it, not bothering to push the air bubbles out before he attached it to the little port of your ng tube.

“You chose the hard way,” he said as he began to push down the plunger, sending the thick liquid down the tube. You shot up straight that sudden sensation, moving to actually try and pull out the tube. Toji grabbed both of your hands, holding them together preventing you from meddling with the tube in any way. Toji continued to apply heavy pressure, emptying the syringe into your stomach in 2 minutes flat. The pressure in your abdomen from the rushed tube feeding had you whimpering. 

“Why did you do that so quickly, do you hate me.” There was a tinge of anger in your words. 

“You chose the hard way ‘mega, meaning you brought this upon yourself.” Toji’s words were cold but effective. The tummy troubles you had for the rest of the day severed as a reminder that he was the one in control and you were not getting off easy. When dinner time rolled around you made the cautious decision to drink the shake of your own accord rather than having Toji cause you any more pain. He smirked as he watched you sip on the concoction. He would consider that his first win or your relationship together. Little did you know that he had crushed up half of a sedative and mixed it into your dinner. He hoped that it would allow you to fall asleep with ease. 

“I’m tired and you whined,” a little more than halfway through the drink “My stomach hurts as it is.”

“You need to finish all of it, that’s not up for debate.” His voice was stern and the heavy feeling of his scent let you know just how serious how he was. You took a deep breath and gulped down the rest of the drink. You knew you’d probably regret it later, but right now you were just glad to be done with it all.  

“Good girl.” His words made your inner omega swoon. You laid back against the pillows as a wave of exhaustion settled over you. Toji pulled one of his t-shirts out and brought it over to the bed. 

“Change into this.” He tossed you the shirt. You took it, but instead of making any move to put it on, you snuggled your face into it, inhaling the scent that clung to it. Toji wasn’t sure whether to feel more pride at the fact that you were cuddling his shirt or more frustrated at your apparent inability to follow simple instructions. He worked to pull down your pants, eventually giving up and unclipping your ankle cuff to take off your bottoms before reattaching it. He’d tend to your “wounds” tomorrow when he bathed you. Next, he pried his shirt from your grasp, resulting in a few sounds of protest. This was followed by pulling your top over your head and pulling his t-shirt onto you. He felt like he was dressing a doll. After he had made sure that you were fitted in the top, he pulled off his excess clothing, leaving him in only his boxers. He quickly crawled into bed, this time not making a direct effort to cuddle you. He was curious to see what would happen.

“A-alpha” you stuttered, “I can’t fall asleep, my tummy hurts too much.” You felt so embarrassed admitting this, especially after you had been so defiant. Toji didn’t say a word as he moved to spoon you just like last night. His large hand resting on your tender abdomen, thumb rubbing small circles on your skin in a comforting manner. 

Win number two he thought to himself as you drifted off in his arms of your own accord.    

Honestly I wanted to do more with this fic, but it took so long to get here that I really just wanted to post it. I hope you guys can understand!

[yikesharringrove]

I know it's dark and maybe you don't want to touch the subject and you've not been doing well lately but can I request one of the boys with an eating disorder? I can totally see Steve being restrictive or purging (anorexia or bulimia) or Billy with an obsession on being healthy (orthorexia)

So, I actually have another drabble request coming soon with orthorexic billy, so I’m gonna do one for our sweet boy stevie. Wanna wreck this babey

Trigger Warnings for: disordered eating (anorexia), hospitalization, and an ng feeding tube.

-

Steve’s mother had a drawer full of diet pills.

She would take a few with her wine, and be much too full, no really she couldn’t dream of having another bite whenever dinner rolled around.

She would smile sadly at Steve and pinch at the softness of his belly, tell him darling, our looks are all we have.

And the diet pills were an easy solution.

Steve stole a few bottles. Not that she would even notice, began taking them to replace dinner. Then to replace breakfast and dinner.

Then he just, kinda stopped eating.

He would have something every few days, a few crackers or a spoonful of peanut butter, when the groans of his stomach were unbearable.

But then he learned to ignore it, to file it away and go days without food.

He kept the weight off.

Of course he did, he wasn’t putting anything in his body to balance it out.

And the thinner he got, the thinner he wanted to be.

He stopped working out.

Didn’t have much in the way of energy for it anyway.

And then his muscles were gone, and you could see his ribs through his skin.

Our looks are all we have.

He liked tracing his bones as he lay in bed at night, liked how delicate his collar bones felt, how sharp his hip bones were.

It didn’t matter that he’d wake up the next morning with a migraine and clumps of hair on the pillow.

His softness was gone, his cheeks weren’t pinch able anymore.

His parents came home to an empty fridge, and an empty drawer where diet pills used to be.

His father sneered at him, told him he looked like death warmed over.

His mother fussed with his clothes, tried to get them to fit right.

Nothing fit right.

But it didn’t matter.

Because he had his looks.

It doesn’t matter if his skin was waxy, or his hair was thinning.

Because his elegant bones stood out so beautifully.

“Jesus, Harrington.”

Billy was staring at him, staring at him like he wasn’t elegant. “You’re. Real skinny.” Steve tried to sit back up, tug on his shirt and kick Billy out of his house.

But he didn’t have enough energy to push Billy off him.

He couldn’t help getting angry, snapping at Billy.

“What about it, Hargrove?” Billy furrowed his brows, rolling off of Steve to sit next to him on the bed.

“Are you, like, are you anorexic?”

He watched Steve’s muscles shift under his skin as he sat up.

“You look-”

“I look how I want.”

“There’s no way you want this. Steve, you look like a fucking skeleton.” Steve pulled the blankets up of himself. Billy wouldn’t understand. “Why are you doing this?”

Because of a mother that always said our looks are all we have and Steven, must you eat like such a piglet? and a father that would say if you were a girl I’d tell you to marry well and people respect you if you’ve got money and looks. Don’t be an idiot and lose them.

“It’s what I want.”

“It’s killing you.” Billy’s eyes were wide. “Steve, you’ve gotta, like, go to the hospital or something. I don’t even know what to do.” He looked panicked, his hands clenching and unclenching by his sides.

“You don’t have to do anything.”

But then Steve stood up.

His vision always fuzzed at the edges these days, but sometimes it just went black.

He woke up some time later, a dull pain in his head.

He opened bleary eyes, found himself in a hospital bed.

He glared at Billy sitting next to him. Billy glared right back.

“Why am I here?” His voice was raspy, his throat hurt.

Billy rolled his eyes, scoffing at him.

“Isn’t it fucking obvious?” Steve went to wipe at his nose, found a tube taped to his face, shoved up his nostril. His eyes went wide. “Yeah. Feeding tube.”

“What the fuck?”

“Look, you fucking passed out and I wanted to make sure you weren’t concussed. Basically, you’re fine but severely malnourished, so, feeding tube.”

“Fuck you.” Steve slumped against the bed. He had half a mind to yank the thing right out of him.

“Yeah, whatever.” Billy mirrored him, slumping back in the chair, his arms crossed over his chest. “Just, a lot of shit made sense, I guess. Every time I suggest a dinner date, you get this weird look in your eye. And you never eat the popcorn when we go to the movies.”

Steve looked down at his hands.

“How long?” Billy’s voice was soft again.

“I don’t even know. I’ve always, I don’t think I’ve ever felt good about myself.” He was fidgeting with his fingers.

Since when were they like that? So pale and frigid. They looked like skeleton hands.

“Steve, you do realize you’re hurting yourself, right? Like I mean, you’re just slowly starving to death.”

“Maybe that was the idea. To die in the slowest, most painful way I could on the off chance that someone would actually notice. Would bother to care.”

“I did. I noticed. I care.” Steve gave him a look.

“Not for nothing, but we’ve gone on like, six dates, and were just about to fuck when you got weirded out by my body. Not exactly the best reaction I’ve had.”

“Yeah, but at least I reacted.” Billy’s jaw was tense. He checked his watch. “They called your mom. She consented to have you admitted. You’re keepin’ the feeding tube and doin’ all kindsa therapy and shit. Your mom gave a big ol’ performance. I could hear her screaming through the phone about my precious, beautiful baby!” Billy put on a high voice to imitate her.

“So, they’re institutionalizing me?”

“Nah. You just can’t be trusted right now, so they’re getting you help.”

“So, it’s more like prison.”

“If prison was nicer and you got food shot through your special nose tube and a therapist told you how worthwhile you are every day.” Steve cracked a little smile at that. Just a tiny one.

“Will you visit me?”

“Probably not. I think if I did, they’d lock me up too.” Billy grinned as Steve laughed lightly. “‘Course I’ll visit.”

“Did they say how long?”

“Tops, a month. But your mom was babblin’ about some rehab center in Ottowa that her friend’s sister’s cabana boy’s cousin’s wife’s daughter’s husband went to, or some shit like that.”

“Isn’t rehab like, drugs?”

“Not necessarily.” Billy huffed, his face going serious. “I want you to, like, try. Talk your shit out in therapy and try to work up to eating on your own. I want you to be healthy.”

“But what if, what if my healthy is, like, a little bigger?” Steve had always had a little tummy, some extra meat on his hips and thighs, a round ass.

“Then I’ll fucking welcome it. I don’t care what your healthy looks like. I just want it.”

“You won’t when you realize I’m fat.”

“Yeah? Why not?” Billy had a challenge in his voice, had a sharpness in his eye.

Steve just shook his head.

“Okay, I  seriously, don’t care if your body is big. If you’re happy, and you’re healthy, I don’t fucking care. There’s nothing bad about being fat.”

“Yeah? Tell that to my mother.” Steve scrunched his nose. The tube was uncomfortable, threaded through his nose and down his throat. The tape securing it to his face was itchy, and really, he just wanted to rip the damn thing out. “I don’t wanna hear what she’s gonna say.”

“I’ll stay here the whole time. Tell her to stuff it when she gets goin’.”

Steve smiled at him weakly.

“I just meant, like. If I start getting fat again.”

Billy narrowed his eyes. 

“I think you meant, when you start getting healthy. Because you will. And that will come with weight gain, but that’s not bad. Having fat, being fat isn’t bad, Steve. I know you really don’t believe me right now, but I hope you will. Because it sucks seeing you hurt yourself when I think you’re still absolutely amazing no matter how your body looks.”

Jesus, it was so goddamn sweet. Kinda made Steve melt a little bit inside.

“I, uh, thanks. Thank you, Billy.”

Billy reached forward to take one of Steve’s hands in his. One of his cold, thin, hands. It was shocking, the difference between his hand and Billy’s. It was so much paler, so much thinned despite his hand being overall bigger.

“I’m kinda. I’m kinda scared. Is that stupid?”

“No. Getting better is probably gonna be hard. But, it’s important. You’re, important.” A deep flush was creeping up Billy’s neck, but he was holding eye contact with Steve. “And I’ll be around for you. If you want.”

“Yeah. Yeah. I want you around.”

Billy brought their hands up to press a kiss to the back of Steve’s hand.

“Then I’ll be there.”

[catlynnhighlights-studies]

Describe the most significant challenge you have faced and the steps you have taken to overcome this challenge. How has this challenge affected your academic achievement?

May, my birthday month during sophomore year. For most, it's a time for parties and finals, enjoyment tempered with studying. But for me, May was the month I found myself lying in a hospital bed. I was on the brink of death -- unable to eat, a nasogastric tube down my nose and throat, and tests thrust upon me every time I attempted to rest. My disease had completely overwhelmed me. On the way to the hospital, my family and I went to a local brunch restaurant as a last hurrah to the outside world, and instead, I found myself slumped face first into my burger. My mind still shows the scars from this. At the sight of an NG tube, my throat closes and it's like I'm choking on one again, the panic as real as it was that May. Initially,  my body rejected collation therapy and I couldn't breathe, and I remember it every five weeks during my infusions. During it all, I was alone - on top of my disease, I contracted a highly contagious infection that barred me from having visitors. I yearned for an escape, so I turned to school. When the light of the monitors illuminated the pages of my AP World review book, I wasn't focusing on my IV, or the empty seats by my bed. While I typed up final essays the tube in my throat took a backseat to finding the right words. Schoolwork became my light in the darkness - I enjoyed it, and it was a way to mentally distance myself from the horrors of the hospital. I earned a 5 on the AP World exam, and A's on my finals. I regained remission, but not before a series of increasingly more traumatic treatments.  I took trauma with me, but also a coping mechanism -- when despair creeps back in I thrust myself back into the things that bring me joy. Now I’m not alone with only a bed and assignments like I was then, but very few things bring me the same peace of mind that school has.

In my mind this essay is better than the mythology one but worse than the reading one. I honestly wouldn’t accept me based on my essays and its really starting to freak me out. 7 years of wanting to go to UC Davis looks like it might end up having to be a community college transfer.

[she-can-and-she-will]

Weight Restored does not equal Recovered

There is this misconception with people who don’t experience eating disorders that once you’re weight restored you’re cured. THIS IS NOT THE CASE. How I wish it was. For me anyway, being weight restored has probably been one of the hardest things during my recovery. It’s like I have to be okay with this new, bigger body, and I feel like I have to fight with Ed even more. It’s like his voices get louder because I am weight restored, and he is telling me that I am too fat, and I need to loose weight to be accepted. Logically, the me part of my brain, knows that I don’t need to loose weight, I am still in the lower end of healthy weight range, and loosing weight would be detrimental to my health. But people around me don’t see why I should still be battling these thoughts. My mental health is still as bad as it always has been, just because I look physically healthy. Even then, looks can be deceiving. I am still suffering from all of these physical consequences from starving myself, even though I look physically healthy, I’m really not.

The last two weeks have been particularly challenging for me. At uni we experimented with thickened fluids and modified textures, that a Speech Pathologist would give to a patient if they are having difficulty with their swallow. These are not pleasant at all. It was so hard sitting there listening to all the girls in my class saying they would rather be tubed than eat a modified diet. NO YOU DON’T. Being tubed sucks. I’m not saying don’t get tubed, getting tubed probably saved my life. But it was just so hard hearing these girls talk about it like it’s nothing I guess.

I then had to have a conversation with my group of friends, who I am doing a group assignment with, because the topic has been really triggering for me. Quick over view, the topic is on coming to a decision on whether or not to tube a patient who doesn’t want to be tubed. This is incredibly triggering for me, so I had to talk to my group about it. I am incredibly lucky that I am in a group with my friends, but at the same time, they are my ‘uni friends’. I love them to bits, don’t get me wrong, but I have been trying to keep them separate from my anorexia recovery because I don’t want them looking at me differently. I always found it easier to eat with them at uni, because they didn’t know about my anorexia, so I didn’t feel like they were watching what I ate to make sure I was eating like everyone else in my life. They were incredibly supportive, which I am incredibly thankful for, but I feel like they have starting to make sure I am eating, which is making it harder for me to eat. I don’t know for sure that they are making sure I am eating, but there have been a couple of comments, nothing bad, around when I’m like, hmmm, I don’t think I’m going to have lunch, that make me pretty sure they are. I mean, I could just be making this up, and it could just be Ed telling me they are watching me, but I was a lot happier them not knowing.

That’s all from me today. Please remember, not matter what the people around you are saying, just because you are weight restored, does not mean you are recovered. It is MORE than okay if you are struggling being weight restored, it is completely normal. Just try to hold on to the knowledge that no matter what these ignorant people think, you are not fully recovered, you are in recovery, but no matter what they think it is okay not to be there yet. 

If you are struggling, please don’t be afraid to reach out. No one should have to fight this alone. My ask is always open, and I am always up for a chat!