#tv show man in the yellow hat: my monkey son seems to have created an elaborate Halloween costume with his best friend. a human girl

[boydykedevo]

I really like how at a certain point the curious george tv show stopped being about a monkey and started being about a very hairy little boy

[ecotone99]

{SF} The Spoilers Ruin Everything

{SF Satire} The Spoilers Ruin Everything

By DWG

Since the Spoilers had come, everything kind of sucked.

They wore long fuzzy white robes and purple plush hats that were pompous and had a smooth velvety feel to them. They smelled like pimp juice and had Star Wars TV shirts on but they were always full of puns like: I AM THE DARK SIDE with a picture of James Earl Jones instead of Darth Vadar or C3PO FOR GAY ROBOT RIGHTS with R2D2 painted like a rainbow flag. They even had their very own Miley Cyrus dogs on a leash. They all had a male dog’s body with Miley Cyrus heads with the tongue hanging out and all they did was suck their own balls all day.

We don’t know where they came from. Did they crawl out of the basement abyss? Did they all live with their mother? Was it even possible to have that many fat overgrown late forties white men smelling like Burger King in one city? Soon they spread across the mid-west and a few Spoilers were in Canada. They loved to go around and tell people things. It was as if they could read your mind.

First it was small things like they just knew what TV shows you were into, they were television psychic. If you were a Game of Thrones fan, they would ruin the show for you if you hadn’t read the books. If you hadn’t seen a movie that just came out, they would tell you how it ended and why it sucked before you had a chance to see it. Then they got personal, they seemed to know intimate details about our lives. An acne-crated Spoiler in a pimp hat with a neon overcoat wearing a Yoda shirt that said: BRINGING SEXY BACK, AM I? came up to me and my friend Diandra at the bus stop. He told me, “Your mother never forgave you, she died thinking you hated her!” and then he turned to my friend Diandra who had been dating the same guy for eight years, “He is never going to propose to you, he is cheating on you with your sister Rhonda”. I flew into a rage and grabbed the fat bastard by his shirt and flung him into traffic, he smelled like old cheese and pit sweat. A bus came by and—SPLAT!

We were covered in lard and internal organs. A dozen undigested cheeseburgers from various fast food joints filled the pavement and a homeless man grabbed them and began eating. The smell lingered grotesquely like cat urine burning my nostrils.

I prepared myself to be arrested for manslaughter but instead the people at the bus stop began to applaud. They said things like, “Way to go! About time somebody stood up to those assholes! They told my daughter that Justin Bieber was really created in a test tube to be a pop star, I knew that but she liked that lesbian,” I smiled, Diandra patted me on the back.

That was when we decided to kill all the Spoilers.

We started a movement.

Occupy Comic Con.

We called ourselves the Secret Keepers. We wore shirts with pictures of Nostradamus shot in the head that said, “WE DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THE FUTURE!”

A man came out as a Spoiler and was crucified by the media.

He went on Twitter and outed gay celebrities before they had a chance to out themselves on the cover of People and Binge and Squeal like a Kardashian magazine.

He told people who was going to win the Super Bowl that year. He said he was chosen by God to spoil things and he had visions of the past, the future and TV show finales. His name was Tom Cassandra. He told us about books, movies and TV shows that were still in preproduction years in advance, what the trends would be for the next 20 years and what the next controversy would be. What celebrities would die year by year. We tore him limb from limb and cannibalized him on Skype to an adoring audience. The revolution had begun! Operation Occupy Comic Con was under way.

The first rule of secret keepers is that we don’t know where the secret keeper meetings are held until the late minute which makes commuting a bitch. The second rule of secret keepers is that we cannot use our real names, we have to have code names. I called myself Wolverine, Diandra called herself Cleopatra and we were lead by Giant Boner of America. He was a wise old Buddhist monk who had come out of seclusion and broke his vow of silence to help us take down the spoilers.

“Fuck those know-it-all, motherfuckers!” he said, “Enlightenment can only be achieved by shutting the fuck up! So let’s kill these nerds!”

We quickly learned the behavior of Spoilers. They liked McDonalds, Burger King, Taco Bell and occasionally Wendy’s. They rode those electric carts at Walmart and farted as they passed you in the aisles. They went to Comic Cons, a lot. I mean, A LOT. They were into hentai tentacle porn and only liked Asian girls. They travelled from city to city to get all the best swag and then sell it on Ebay. They always bought ten issues of the same comic book and then spoiled the ending by publishing the last page online.

We set up the bombs shortly after noon that Friday the 13th. Two furries were fucking behind a dumpster while a guy in a Chewbacca costume was jacking off a guy dressed like Nick Fury. A group of Whedonites were talking about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Firefly and how they were the best shows that had ever existed since the beginning of time. Before we knew it there was an explosion and screaming and a decapitated Chewbacca head spinning in the street. I was surprised they hadn’t seen that coming.

Then things got really ugly.

As hard as we fought back against the Spoilers, they got more vicious. They weren’t just fucking with people’s entertainment, they were fucking with people’s lives.

In Chicago, a fat guy wearing a coat made of green monkey fur approached a young couple and whispered to them how their first child would die. The man pulled out of a knife and stabbed him to death. The cops came but refused to arrest him. It was as if we had all made a silent pact to kill all the Spoilers and we would not let anyone stop us. The Spoilers just couldn’t help themselves though, they started to dress in disguise so we didn’t recognize them. They wore FUBU clothes and NorthWest jackets and even L.A. Raiders shirts to blend into the crowd.

A Spoiler in a porkpie hat approached an elderly woman at a Walmart and told her the exact month and day and hour of her death, she pulled out a knitting needle, stabbed him in the eye and then drove away on her electric powered cart. An employee shouted, “Cleanup on aisle 6! We got some human garbage over here!”

The Spoilers took to the internet and spoke of being persecuted, they said they were modern day Jesus types and that it was all part of a government conspiracy to suppress the truth. They said JFK was an alien, they said Elvis was still alive, they said James Dean was really black and that Obama could shapeshift into Taylor Swift on weekends. We knew they were just making shit up at this point to throw us off their trail. It wasn’t until a Spoiler named Arthur McFadden III Jr. spoiled a terrorist attack plotted by a Norwegian militant named Sodarnmadatjerall that things took a strange shift.

Suddenly a spoiler had saved thousands of lives. He had spoiled a major disaster and saved a country from another 9/11. We were screwed.

He was given the Congressional Medal of Honor.

That was when things got weird.

The President put a no kill policy on spoilers.

Spoilers have the right to spoil, just don’t listen or read the paper or go on the internet, he said, it is your own choice to allow yourself to be spoiled.

Angry protestors lashed out at the President. Amanda Billingsworth of the Anti-Spoilers Society of America or A.S.S.A. said, “The President is asking us to exercise self-control and make informed decisions, I don’t know about you but that is not the America I grew up believing in! I expect immediate gratification and people to bend to my personal likes and dislikes!”

The audience cheered.

Some people didn’t want to listen and were arrested for dragging a Spoiler behind their car for five miles in Alabama and then hanging him from a tree.

Crosses were burned on the lawn of a family of Spoilers in Louisiana.

Suddenly people were fighting for the rights of Spoilers, there was even a Million Spoiled March of people walking hand in hand with Spoilers. It was catered by McDonalds who spoiled the secret of their own food by making their new trademark: Our Food is Awful and Will Slowly Kill You. Stop Loving it! But that only made people want it more. After all, people wanted the happy meal toy even if that meant plumping up their children into butterballs. After so many years of eating nothing but fast food, a person’s skin would get greasy and yellow and their transformation into a Spoiler would begin.

After the Spoiler Rights Act of 2018 passed, no one could do harm against another Spoiler.

On a daytime talk show a woman reunited a mother with her Spoiler son who had a falling out after he spoiled her relationship with her ex by telling her that the man didn’t really love her and fantasized about dolphins during sex.

They made an entire movie about Spoilers.

It even said how much it would make in the ads for it, the reviews were written by critics who gladly spoiled the ending and every aspect of the film but people still went to see it and it won the Academy Award that year. The Spoilers walked up to the stage before the envelope was opened because they knew they would win.

IT IS OKAY TO BE SPOILED, Oprah screamed on the cover of Rich Bitch magazine. Once Oprah says something is true, no one else can oppose her. (There was also a great article on 2000 ways to jack off your man with inanimate objects but I digress).

We knew then that we were defeated.

Now we live in a world without surprises.

I don’t get angry when some guy at the bank tells me when my car is going to break down or what happens on my favorite TV show that night. I realize now that nothing matters. Every single aspect of our lives is mapped out now, there are no surprises. We have no free will anymore. I met my wife at a rave because a Spoiler came up to us and said, “You two are going to get married one day.” I smiled and introduced myself.

Before we moved in together, the realtor turned out to be a spoiler woman who said, “The place is horrible and smells funny but it’s really all you can afford, anything else you look at they will reject you because you have shitty credit so you might as well sign up now.”

We did.

Our doctor told us the sex of our child before my wife even knew she was pregnant, he left it on her voicemail and said he was sorry but it just came to him in the middle of the night.

So we weren’t surprised when the barista at Starbucks told us what the name of our child would be. We told him to hold the whip and thank you. We named our child Leviathan in case you are interested.

After a while it’s comforting to live in a world with no surprises, where free will and destiny are essentially meaningless.

As I cross the street today, I do it knowing that today is the day I am going to die, I was told this seven years ago. A lesser man might try to avoid this fate but others have tried and they end up dying in other ways that are even more horrible and painful. You cannot be unspoiled. If you try to be unspoiled or ignore your Twitter feed or don’t go on Facebook they will find you and spoil you somehow.

When the car hit me, I knew the face of my killer, it had been spoiled for me.

It was the same guy who did my taxes. As I laid there bleeding in the street, feeling the life drain out of me I heard a fat kid on his mother’s lap eating a cheeseburger say, “He’s going to die in the ambulance, Mommy.”

And guess what? I did.

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