#turns out doing the one thing i’ve learnt isn’t great for me artistically + some irl things is not great for tumblr inspo‼️

[jumioxox]

erm hc that xanders muscles sometimes accidentally cramp/lock into being buff because i think that his buffness is underrecognized and there should be an excuse that would’ve let everyone know that he was yolked in the scenario they didn’t have a literal strength contest

[mooswords]

More than enough

Pairing: semi eita x reader

Word count: 3.4k

Tags: musican au, fluff + soft-angst? its a happy ending i promise

Ramblings: this was going to be something short based around the masterpiece that is sk8er boi but it very quickly got out of hand rip ✌️

---

"You're just not what we were looking for."

"I understand, thank you for your time."

--

"I'm sorry, but I don't think you'd fit in with us."

"I understand, thank you for your time."

--

"You're obviously talented, we're just not looking for an artist like you right now."

"I understand, thank you for your time."

--

“Look, you don’t quite fit our brand.”

The worst part is that rejection doesn’t even sting anymore. It's always the same story - they love his music, but not him. 

Semi has never been one to shape himself to the expectations of others. He had refused to march in time at Shiratorizawa and it cost him his place in the starting line up. But he had thought, maybe somewhat naively, that with his music he could be both someone he was proud of and someone they’d want to hire. 

Apparently not.

“I understand, thank-”

“Um… I think he’d be a great fit.”

Your voice is firm but you're obviously nervous, barely able to meet the eye of the producer as she swings around to you, unimpressed. 

"I just…" you wet your lips, try again, "He's something different, and that's really cool. Of course, there'd have to be some changes but-" you dart a look at him- "maybe we should give him a chance."

"Oh, is that so?" your boss scoffs. "You want me to sign him because you think that he maybe deserves a chance?"

Semi takes a proper look at you - shaking hands clutched around the tablet in your lap, earnestness written all over your face - perhaps the first person in this unforgiving industry to show any sort of support for him. Not exactly the influential executive he'd been hoping for, but hey, it's nice to be acknowledged once in a while.

You suck in a breath, your posture straightening. "I know he's good enough. It would be our loss to turn him away." 

And Semi is flattered. Honestly, he is. But this is a well-trodden path for him, and right now, he'd rather leave this too-clean office, get back into his beat-up car that still smells like the soft drink Tendou spilt last week and just go home. Feel sorry for himself before facing the arduous process of picking up the scattered pieces of his pride yet again.

The producer shakes her head. “You know the types of artists the label is looking for, and it's not him."

"But he could be! Please, I-” you stand abruptly. “I‘ll take full responsibility. Give me… a month. I’ll put together a demo and figure out a brand for him. I can make this work, and we both know he’s got real talent."

Semi is flicking between the two of you. He's not quite sure if he's on board with what's happening, but the producer looks like she's actually considering it, and this is the first time he's had any sort of a chance.

"OK,” she relents. “ OK, I will give you a month.” 

His eyes dart to yours because, to be honest, he didn’t think- 

“But.” The producer eyes him, then you. “If he is not good enough in a month, both of you are out of here. Got it?"

You share a look, a mutual recognition of how much is riding on this.

"Got it." 

--

You properly introduce yourself the next morning in one of the spacious studios, passing him a takeaway cup of coffee and a to-do list that stretches on forever.

"So, you're going to need to write a song - obviously,” you start briskly. “But first, I need to know what size clothes you wear, what instruments you play and if you can dance. You're also going to need to stop cutting your hair. I can-"

"Sorry, you want me to what?"

"Stop cutting your hair, keep up."

"What's wrong with my hair!?"

Your eyes lazily flick over him. He hopes he hasn't gone as red as he feels. "It’s fine, it’s just going to look better when it’s longer." 

"How do you know what I’ll look like with long hair?" Semi splutters. 

You grin at him from under your lashes, a new relaxed confidence to your moves today. "It's my job. Anyway, back to the important things-"

By the time said important things have been covered, Semi's head is a jumbled mess. He desperately needs more caffeine. You go to continue, but one look at him has you pulling an apologetic face. 

"I know it seems like a lot, but you're going to do great. Is there anything you wanted me to clarify? Before we keep going?”

A million questions are ricocheting around his head, but the one that slips out is "Why are you helping me?"

Your gaze drops. “To be honest, it’s as much for you as it is for me.” Looking a touch embarrassed, you shrug. “This could be the break I need to finally move on from just being an assistant. But your music is good. Really good, and... look, you aren’t an artist the label would normally sign, but you have this… energy I think the world will love, and I wanted to be a part of that I guess.”

There’s resolve in your eyes, even as your fingers twist together. You exude a brand of hopeful passion; a joy that dulled for him long ago, a sacrifice that had to be made just so he could survive the setbacks. He hadn't dared let himself hope that this strange opportunity could lead anywhere, but maybe the two of you could make this work.

“Well, when you say it like that…” Semi grins when you meet his gaze. He can already feel the excitement building again in his chest. He’s missed it, he thinks wistfully. 

“Let’s do this.”

--

A month has never felt shorter, and he's not sure if either of you slept more than a few hours at once. He has learnt a lot though - how to use the enormous mixing board in the studio, that he apparently looks very good in red, the value of networking and connections in this fickle industry.

(He’d also learnt how you look curled up on his sofa, about your deep-set fondness for fantasy movies and the way you hum to yourself when you’re deep in thought, but he’s trying not to think about that.)

The producer is quiet, her head nodding along softly to the beat filtering through the headphones. She’s leafing through the outlines and photos the two of you had poured your everything into. Those few pages have to be enough. You had said he was good enough and he desperately needs you to be right, because if you aren’t-

“I’m impressed.” Your boss’ voice is begrudging as she pulls the headphones from her ears, “This is better than I was expecting.” 

Maybe he's enough. 

He's fighting the urge to grab your hand because you look like you're going to faint, and he might not be far behind you.

"Thank you." 

Your voice is shaky, hopeful.

Maybe-

“But it’s not enough.”

It's gut-wrenching. It hasn’t stung like this in so long the pain is almost foreign; this feeling of rejection, this weight in his stomach pulling him back down to square one. And as the abject confusion on your face gives way to incredulous anger, he thinks maybe the worst part is that it’s not just him being rejected this time.

“What do you mean it’s not enough? We-”

“-are not good enough,” the producer cuts in, matter-of-fact and unruffled. “For a month’s worth of work, it isn’t bad. It’s just that I’m still not convinced that he can be everything you say he is.”

Semi grabs at your arm as you lunge forward. He sends you a sad smile when you spin to face him. “It’s ok. I always knew this wa-”

"No.” Your eyes are ablaze. He can remember that feeling - back when rejection felt like sheer fury and not a resigned numbness. “No, that song- you are good and we all know it. You deserve a place here, she-” you jab a finger at the woman still seated behind the desk, “just can’t see your worth.”

Warmth curls around his heart. He’s going to miss your spitfire passion. “Seriously, it’s OK. Thank you though. For believing in me."

He faces the producer. “I… I hope you would consider keeping your assistant on.” He can hear your head snap towards him, “You said you were impressed with her work, and I saw more than anyone how much effort she put into this. She deserves recognition for it... yeah. Thank you for your time.”

He moves for the door, trying not to think about how empty his apartment will be without your papers and coffee cups strewn about. There is a small consolation in that you might get something from all this, but still. He'd really thought that-

“I quit.” 

"What?" Both Semi and the producer whirl to look at you. 

You blink up at your former boss. “I quit.” It’s firmer this time, but your hand trembles as you tug on his arm. “C'mon Semi, let's go.”

"Wha- no!" He splutters, even as you march out towards the elevators. He pulls you into a hallway, stares down at you in confusion and horror. 

"This is your chance! Why would you… don't just throw it away like this. Not for me."

You look dazed. "I’m done. I’ve worked here for years now, and let's be real, I was never going to get anywhere with her anyway. Besides,” you grin up at him. There’s no trace of regret on your face, and the gleam in your eye has the beginnings of a new melody itching at the back of his mind. “We are going to prove her wrong. You are more than enough Semi Eita.”

You pull away from him, gleefully calling race you to the elevator! over your shoulder. He gives chase, purposely bumping into you, laughing as you slide over the polished floor. And looking at your flushed face and breathless smile as the elevator doors close, he thinks maybe square one might not be so bad with you down here next to him.

--

"We aren't looking to take on an artist like you right now."

He writes more songs. You write more emails.

--

The lights are dim in the small, dingy studio, and honestly, it feels like the two of you have been here forever. You're trying to remember if that coffee place down the road still does 24-hour delivery as Semi groans from under the arm flung over his face, legs heavy across your lap. You poke him in the stomach and he peers out at you, pouting.

“Hey have some respect please, I’m moping.”

“Oh, terribly sorry, I couldn’t tell from the whining and general lack of writing.”

He pokes his tongue out and pulls a face at you. “Shuddup, writing songs is hard.”

“Mmm, not like it’s your job or anything.” 

His pout intensifies and you force yourself to suppress the smile threatening the corners of your mouth, ducking as he throws the pen hanging loosely from his hand at you. 

“You’re the worst.” 

You allow yourself to grin at him this time. “Maybe, but we only paid to have this studio for another" you check your phone, "three hours and then we’re going to get kicked out, so you need to come up with something."

He finally lifts his head, and it really should be illegal - this deadly combination of finger-raked hair, bleary eyes and rumpled shirt. You poke him in the stomach again.

“Fine! Fine, gimme my pen back.” You scrabble around for it and strictly don’t think about the warmth of his fingers over yours as he takes it. Pulling his legs off your lap, he theatrically flicks to a page in his notebook resting on the battered table and begins writing.

“My manager… sucks…” 

“Hey!”

“Because… she is… really... mean...”

“Noooo, give me that!” You lunge for the notebook, but he pulls it out of reach and smirks down at you.

“Oh, so now you’re interested in helping me write this song? I see how it is.”

It’s your turn to pout, still flailing for the notebook until you meet his eyes and oh he’s really close. There’s a fleeting moment where neither of you does anything, frozen. You swallow, watching his eyes dart down. You've been here before - not here exactly, but here, in these moments of breathless potential. 

(And maybe you're a coward for not doing anything because there have always been hints, little notations he leaves scattered across the score of your partnership. You've always been the second line, the bass to his treble, but a duet only works when both lines move together - you don't want to be the one who falls out of beat.) 

You pull yourself away, moving to clear away the takeout containers and throw what you hope is an unaffected smile over your shoulder. 

“Come on Semi, it’s just one more song. You got this. You always write about things that mean a lot to you. Just… think of that one thing you really want to share with the world.”

He chuckles, a breathy thing that curls around the room.

“Trying to get me to spill all my secrets, huh?”

You commit this image of him to memory - the fondness in his eyes, here in this tiny studio at who knows what hour of the morning.

"Something like that."

--

“You just aren’t right for us.”

He buys the coffee this time. You promise to pay next time.

--

He walks into the third record label this week. You wait hopefully outside. 

It's always the same result, but you still wait for him every time. And every time he shakes his head your heart breaks a little more, another rejection to add to the pile. But he's always been a fighter, and you were never a quitter. So every time, you pull each other off the ground, dust yourself off and try again. 

It's drizzly outside today. You wait, standing under the meagre protection of an umbrella.

He walks out and you brace for the inevitable fall. 

But when he looks up your heart skips a beat because he's smiling, and you're half disbelieving when he nods and then you're flying into the rain and throwing yourself into his arms as he laughs.

(And you can't meld words and melodies the way he can, but you think you could write songs about that sound forever.)

"You did it!" you squeal, and his grin is pure joy as he spins you in a circle.

"No, we did it." 

--

You're always backstage before a concert, so the looks you've been getting all afternoon from the crew are odd. You have half a mind to ask Semi about it, but in the mayhem of a lost guitar and last-minute phone calls, the only time you see him is just before he runs onto stage. 

Slipping your arms around him, you squeeze what encouragement you can into the brief hug. He considers you with that half-smile you have come to adore so much before he swoops down, pressing a kiss to your cheek. You catch his make sure you listen to the last song over the noise of the crowd before he dashes off. 

Maybe he… no, don’t be ridiculous. You scoff at the fantasy, try to push away the hope building in your chest. 

Why were you nervous? You weren’t even on stage. Yet your heart is insisting on recounting every cheesy movie you've ever seen, and it doesn’t help that you watched one with him last night, and it really doesn’t help that all you can think about is how you woke up this morning with the weight of his head on your shoulder.

Your head and heart battle the entire show, fear and anticipation blurring together in-

"Alright! I have a bit of a surprise for everyone tonight." Semi grins, sharp and full of adrenalin. The crowd screams. You barely manage to pull the drumming of your heart back into line. 

"This is a new song I wrote at… some ridiculous hour of the morning. I was told to write about the thing I most wanted to tell the world and I, uhh… well, it's for someone special, but I wanted to share it with you guys too."

He starts to play, but the opening chords are… new?

Semi has a habit of lounging in your office in the late afternoon, feeling out harmonies and half-realized lyrics as you work. You often hear strains of those afternoon experiments appear months later in his albums, but these chords are different. There's a major progression mixed in with the bass line that isn't quite his usual style; a little sweeter perhaps. And then he starts to sing, voice husky from the long show. The lyrics are quintessential Semi - simple, nothing incredibly poetic, but nonetheless heartfelt and genuine. 

It takes until the end of the second chorus for you to let yourself believe what he's saying. 

You hadn't heard Semi sing a love song quite like this before, and it is doing funny things to your chest. Because you can hear the smile in his tone, and he's singing about late nights and spinning in the rain and fantasy movies and... maybe this song is for you. Maybe you hadn't read the music wrong, maybe he-

You cut that thought off. Pressing your lips together, you force yourself to slip away as the final note is overtaken by yells and applause. 

(You may have been bold enough to stake your entire career on a maybe, but him? You can't risk losing him to a maybe.)

--

He finds you in the goldilocks studio. You had dubbed it that not long after he had signed with the new label - not too big, not too small. He had rolled his eyes when you first suggested it, but the name had stuck.

"I thought you might be in here."

"Oh, hey." You force yourself to meet his eye. "Nice job tonight. I’ve never heard a crowd so vocal."

He still looks every part the performer - hair wild beyond belief, stage make-up smudged - and technically, you're still on the clock. But right now, here in the soft haze of the studio lights, he’s just a boy and you're just a girl.

He chuckles, "Yeah, I’m glad they liked the new song, though…” he trails off, “I really only care about one person’s opinion of that song.”

There's hopeful apprehension in every line of his body.

"Semi…"

You brace for the fall.

"Semi, who was… was that song for me?”

“I didn't think I could make it any more obvious," he huffs, hand tucked up behind his neck. “I mean if you didn't like it that's fine. I just couldn't think of a good way to tell you, but that night when you said to write about what I wanted to say it… all came out I guess. And you don’t have to-”

You kiss him. It’s quick, barely a few seconds before you pull away. You’re perhaps just as surprised as he is, wide-eyed and flustered. 

His face breaks into a disbelieving smile. "Yeah?"

Your lips quirk up of their own accord. “Yeah.”

He stares for a beat before reaching for you, one hand coming up to cup your cheek. You meet him in the middle and slip your arms around his neck, feeling his smile widen when he kisses you, feeling your heart skip a beat and fall into rhythm with his.

“I do have… one question though…” he asks, hushed as he pulls back. 

“Mmm?” you hum, distracted with his nose still brushing yours.

“How did you not realise the song is about you? I mean-” gleeful mischief fills his voice and you groan, flopping backwards out of his arms, "-come on, I basically said everything but your name."

"I didn't want to assume, OK?" you whine, pulling yourself back up to face him. The glare you send him lacks heat, and he just chuckles, shifting closer again.

“I’ll make it clearer for you in the next one then.”

“The next one huh?” The playful fondness in your tone overwhelms him. He can feel the pink flush across his cheeks, warmer than any rush the stage could give him.

“Yeah, I mean… I’ve already got more songs about you, but I think I might have some new inspiration now.”

“Oh, is that so?” you question, smile somehow widening.

Lyrics are easy, real words are harder. He doesn’t know how to explain that his brain has been writing stanzas about you since you met, but he can’t quite pinpoint when his heart took over.

He settles on “yep” and kisses you again. 

It's unhurried, unconcerned. There's no more maybes, no more doubts. It's just you, and him, and the grounding certainty the two of you are more than enough.

[ohtobeaspettyasleah]

so. how did the coffee date go? do Ethan and Piper just talk for hours on end about life and get to know each other more? And talk about the kiddos??

Coffee. For many of us, its the one thing that makes the world go round. It’s the morning ritual we allocate time for to either enjoy on the couch before the morning news. 

Catching up on all the horrors of the world sprinkled amongst the okay and somewhat high spirited good news story of the day. For others, it’s a moment where we watch the coffee stream down into our just barley washed and slightly over pungent travel mug that you tell yourself daily you’ll throw out-- but never do. Hell, maybe you invest in a flavouring. Sugar-free perhaps? Vanilla, caramel or maybe pumpkin spice depending on the season. You wait for the milk to steam-- or maybe you fall into the heart of people who poor their oat milk over ice to make a quick and easy iced oat latte. Cost-effective. 

But then there is the very large chunk of people out there, that allocates a portion of their weekly pay for their coffee. Barista made. They know who makes their coffee each morning by name and they know how that persons day is going by the taste of the roast. Maybe it’s perfect? A good day, maybe its slightly burnt? The milk too hot or too cold? Not enough hazelnut syrup. 

Ethan Dolan and Pipper Reid fall into the same category. Because out of the three mentioned above? There are about six others that follow and we just don’t have time to sit here and talk about coffee enthusiasts all day when you wanna know about Ethan and Pippers coffee date at Average Jo’s. 

The best cup of Jo on the go:

“If you don’t promise to put your mind body and soul into this coffee Jo you won’t ever see this face again.” Ethan was joking. Maybe, deep down he wasn’t. Pipper Reid, sitting in the nook by the window smiling as she brushed her hair behind her ear as Ethan was caught out staring back at her. He froze, but his heart didn’t. Beating in his chest to loud it rang in his ears. 

“You back on the dating sense hey Pal? Haven’t seen you walk in here with a Woman no bigger than that little bug of yours since well” Jo paused, he knew Ethan knew what he was referring to, “Hows she doin’ anyway? Lex.”

“Uh--yeah yeah shes good Joey, has this kindergarten teachers whos really pushing her along, Leo’s thriving too, apparently hes some kind of boy genius?”

“What as in math?” Jo smoked as he handed over the two cups of coffee. To go, even though Ethan had every intention of staying in-store. He just wanted an excuse to leave and leave with his coffee if things didn’t go the way he was hoping for. There was a brown paper bag handed over the counter too. Strawberry tarts, free of charge. Ethan chuckled to himself with a small sigh. 

“Kid artist Joey, just think Leonardo DaVinci.” Joseph Ardale was always there for Ethan and his kids. A kind neighbour who just so happened to be the only person who Ethan would buy coffee from. No Starbucks in sight, just a small local business Ethan didn’t know how to live without. Considering the espresso machine sitting on his kitchen counter-top hadn't worked in years. Any single dad with twins lives and breathes coffee, add high school teacher to the mix and Ethan Dolan was no exception to the rule. 

“Hey, you’re back!” It was the way Pipper seemed as nervous as Ethan himself had him softening. He liked the way she moved over for him. Accepting the gesture as he handed her her coffee. An Oat milk latte with two pumps of caramel syrup. She didn’t care if it was sugar free. 

“You think I wasn’t gonna come back after asking you for coffee?” 

“Just uh, a little nervous is all, I usually don’t uh—this, um—“ Ethan chuckled as he sipped his coffee sinking into the nook. 

“Date? That the word you’re looking for, because if it is that’s not what this is, just coffee. I mean if you want it to be a date it can be.” Ethan was teasing, he liked the way Pipper smiled—he couldn’t really tell but he had a feeling her cheeks were hot. In a good way. “Date or no date I just wanted to spend—“

“Spend some time drinking coffee together.” Pipper interrupted, chuckling as Ethan nodded and laughed with her. 

“Exactly and isn’t it the best cup you've ever had?”

“It’s pretty good, companies even better.”

“There’s no way you’re trying to flirt with me right now?” 

“Would it be so bad if I was? Still confused about the wedding band but hey—you said you aren’t a married man? Fair game right?”

“Oh completely fair game, as fair a game is the kindergarten teacher with the not clinically diagnosed Psychotic son.” Pipper gasped. 

“My son is a handful, But he’s a good kid.” 

“Have you seen my eye? If I wore an eyepatch in this joint Joey over there wouldn’t stop laughing for a decade.” 

“Learnt from the best I guess.” Pipper sipped her coffee, there was a slight change in her tone. Ethan almost didn’t pick it up, he pressed though.”

“Box with his dad huh?” The silence and delayed answer said it all. They both came before the drop in facial expression.

“Ollie doesn’t have a dad.”

“Oh—“

“I mean, sure yes there’s a guy out there whose sperm helped create him but, sorry this is uh, I should probably get going.” Ethan thought he was going to be the one who dipped. Tan off with his take away coffee because this was all too soon and he wasn’t ready for this. But watching as Pipper stood from her chair, his chest hurt. Reaching forward to grab her hand. 

“Hey, no, wait wait wait wait.” Ethan stood, placing his coffee on the table and a hand a little too low on Pippers hip. For a second he saw his past—for a moment he saw his future. Pulling his hand away because hell, he didn’t want Pipper to think he wanted something more. “I—“

“Ethan—“

“I crossed a line, too personal.”

“Ethan—“

“I don’t know anything about you, you’re good with my kids, that’s all I know and I just, I wanna get to know you because—“ it was Ethan’s turn to pause, Pipper watched as Ethan looked like a deer in headlights. 

“Because?”

“Because, you are the first and only woman I have looked at since.” Ethan took a deep breath. 

“Since I lost my uh—my wife.” 

“You said you weren’t married.” It was out of shock. Pipper didn’t mean to sound rude. “Sorry—“

“Well I mean, yeah I wear my band, I uh— but you can’t be married to someone who just isn’t here anymore. I don’t, please don’t think this changes anything, I wanna get to know you—to me? Yeah, this was a date.” Pipper was silent. She just watched as Ethan sat back down and ran his hand through his hair. Defeated. He knew this was a terrible idea even if his heart told him otherwise. Pipper sat beside him. Her hand reached out for the coffee on the table, handing back to Ethan as she leaned back, settling in. 

“My ex is a piece of shit.” It shocked Ethan. He just listened though. “I’m not the person who you want to get to know Ethan—I’m, I’m a mess. There’s this book I read, called getting your shit together and apparently out of Simon, Theodore and Alvin? I’m Simon. I uh—I’m a grade-A mess but I hold it together well, I don’t show it.” 

“That’s the weirdest metaphor or analogy I’ve ever heard.” Ethan laughed as pipped did. Comfortable again with one another. Drinking coffee. “But it doesn’t change anything, we’re both Simons.”

“You’re wife? How’d she uh—“

“Car accident, drunk driver about three years ago, just been me and the kids since.” 

“That must have been difficult, is difficult?”

“Twin two-year-olds? That’s hard enough on anyone, Leo doesn’t remember her, he was in the car accident, doctors think he lost his memory or something, his body’s way of preventing more damage. Lexi just knows her mum isn’t here anymore. She’s in the sky, creating the clouds for her.”

“I don’t even know what to say.” 

“You don’t have to say anything, I went to therapy, I proceeded everything, I still have days where it’s hard to function but damn it Pipper the moment I saw you, the second, I just knew, I knew I had to get to know you. Even if just as a friend, more would be great but I’ll settle for anything because like I said, I haven’t looked at anyone the way I looked at you in three years.”

“Well, if it means anything, I like the way you uh—look at me.” Pipper smiled before taking a sip of her coffee. 

“Oh really?” Ethan smirked, eyes just taking in Pipper. Wondering what she was thinking. Maybe that her coffee was shitty or he’d shared too much too soon. But as she smiled and just stared back softly he couldn’t help but hope she was thinking about maybe wanted to kiss him. Because he was thinking that, shamelessly. 

“I do, nobody has ever looked at me the way you look at me.”

[cheri-translates]

[CN] Kiro’s Greenhouse Date (Eng Translation)

🍒Warning: This post contains detailed spoilers for a date which has not been released in English servers!🍒

Note: This is a cancelled date which will unlikely come to EN :<

More from this Collection: Gavin // Lucien // Victor

The date begins with MC commenting on how Kiro has been extremely busy lately. He hasn’t been picking up calls, and his messages have been short. MC also notes that although he appears normal on television, his eyes have become slightly dimmer.

MC recalls how Kiro has always been giving her strength whenever she’s feeling low, so she decides to do the same for him. She sends him a message:

MC: Miss Chips’ personalized mystery surprise, only applicable to Mr Kiro. Please claim this prize within the one hour time limit, or else it will expire~

After sending the message, I continue watching the television. However, I am entirely focused on my phone and alerted to every chime it makes.

Almost an hour passes and Kiro has not replied. While I’m hesitating whether or not to call him, my phone finally vibrates.

Kiro: This is the special prize winner Mr Kiro. I wish to ask Miss Chips – what exactly is my prize?

His tone is tinged with tiredness, but he still ends his sentences with a cheery lilt.

MC: It shall remain a secret. All you have to do is give me your time this Sunday!

Kiro is stunned for a moment, then a smile seeps into his voice.

Kiro: [laughs] When did you learn this trick of mine?

MC: Heh heh, I’m not telling you. Once you have accepted the prize, there’s no backing out!

Kiro: Yes, Mr Kiro promises Miss Chips.

MC: That’s great! I was even worried… ah, nothing….

Kiro: Worried about what? Were you anxious that I almost didn’t respond in time? I guessed correctly, didn’t I?

MC: Hmph, that’s because I didn’t want to waste my surprise.

Hearing this, Kiro chuckles from the other end of the line. The tiredness that was in his voice earlier has dissipated quite a bit.

MC: So it’s settled, I’ll come find you on Sunday.

Kiro: Even though it’s your surprise, how could I let you be the one to look for me? Don’t worry, I’ll slip away secretly and pick you up!

Before I hang up, Kiro suddenly mutters apologetically.

Kiro: Actually, my phone wasn’t by my side just now. It was only after I took a call that I saw your message. Were you very anxious while waiting?

MC: It’s all right. I was thinking that if you didn’t reply, I would tell you that the time limit got extended by another hour…

Kiro: [laughs] Do you know that hearing you say that makes me really happy? Even happier than hearing about the mystery surprise!

Kiro’s tone is gentle, and I can almost see a golden retriever from the corner of my eye, wagging its tail and smiling at me.

Kiro: All right, so it’s settled.

Hanging up the phone, I find myself smiling. Kiro has always been bringing me to his secret hide-outs to recharge my batteries. This time, it’s my turn.

MC has already planned how Sunday would go. Judging from Kiro’s busy schedule, he wouldn’t have had the time to go flower viewing. He also wouldn’t be able to go to public flower viewing places, considering his celebrity status.

MC: Or else, one wouldn’t be able to tell whether the crowd is there to see the flowers or Kiro.

Sunday arrives. While waiting for Kiro, MC recalls how she asked her father’s friend, Uncle Gu, for permission to use his personal greenhouse. When she was younger, she would visit the large greenhouse and her worries would melt away when surrounded by the gorgeous flowers. 

Even though she is unsure if Kiro would be interested in flower viewing, she thinks the change of scenery should allow him to relax.

While she is deep in thought, someone covers her eyes from behind.

The coolness of a ring brushes against my cheek, carrying the scent of its owner.

MC: Kiro…

?: Who is Kiro? I’m the special prize winner of your mystery surprise.

Pushing away the hands that are covering my eyes, I turn around to see Kiro wearing a pair of sunglasses.

He has deep eye bags, but his tired-looking expression has an insuppressible grin. I lean towards him.

MC: You look so fatigued. Did you not rest well?

Hearing this, Kiro furrows his eyebrows, his blinking eyes full of grievances.

Kiro: Yeah, I haven’t slept for three nights, and I feel so dizzy…

He says this slowly, and I hurriedly stand on my tiptoes, wanting to test his temperature.

MC: We shouldn’t have come out then… could it be a fever…

I look into Kiro’s clear eyes. He lets out a grin, looking a sly squirrel.

MC: You tricked me!

I purse my lips, my face flushing as I turn to the side.

Kiro hurriedly grabs on to my sleeve, a pitiful expression on his face.

Kiro: Okay okay I was wrong, don’t be angry, all right?

Kiro appears in my line of sight no matter which direction I turn my head. Looking at me with his bright eyes, my temper disappears in an instant.

MC: Fine, I’m no longer angry… Kiro is such a childish ghost.

Without a trace of anger or shock, Kiro continues smiling.

Kiro: Yes, I’m a childish ghost, and Miss Chips is the cutest~

MC: You’re shameless…

Kiro: I’m not. Isn’t it normal for a man to reveal his childish side to the person he likes? I even thought you heard about this saying before…

Kiro seems a little disappointed. He mutters, pulling me into the car.

I turn to look at him and see his side profile bathed in sunlight. The layer of gold makes his entire form look lively, fresh, and beautiful.

Now silent, Kiro’s face has a look of maturity that wasn’t there before. My heart suddenly does a flip, and I try not to think about what he said just now.

They finally reach Uncle Gu’s place, but it has been refurbished with additional features, so they have to walk through an eerie tree-lined pathway. MC gets goosebumps and nervously holds his hand.

Kiro: Eh?

MC: This is to prevent someone from running away suddenly.

Kiro: That wouldn’t happen. I’m not scared at all.

Trying to prove his point, Kiro tightens his grip on my hand, with an expression which says that he is unfazed by any circumstances.

We hold each other’s hands tight and walk forward step-by-step.

Kiro stands in front of me slightly, as though prepared to defend me at any moment.

His actions remind me of our experience at the haunted house, which he specially brought me to to prove his bravery. This time round, he doesn’t seem as afraid, though his palms are still sweating.

As we continue down the long pathway, Kiro seems to become increasingly relaxed. While he walks, he sniffs the air, just like an animal following the scent of food.

MC: What are you smelling?

Kiro: Dummy! I’m smelling the flowers of course.

MC: I don’t think I mentioned the greenhouse as being the mystery surprise. Can you really smell it?

Kiro: Of course! Also, I’ve confirmed that this place has a gigantic patch of Monet. I can already smell it!

MC: Monet? Isn’t he an artist?

Kiro: Heh heh looks like you don’t know! Here, follow me!

Saying this, Kiro pulls me into a run.

We run through the long corridor of vines, pass by a few patches of colorful flowers, and finally stand in front of a small wooden door with “Rosa chinensis” written on it.

Pointing at the sea of pink flowers beyond the wooden door, his eyes are filled with satisfaction.

Kiro: I was right! Like I said, there are Monets here.

MC: You’re saying that the Rosa chinesis is called Monet?

Kiro: Right! These pink flowers with yellow streaks are called… let me think! Yes, Claude Monet! They smell really good!

MC takes a closer look at the flowers and realizes that the flowers have a fruity smell. She can understand how Kiro could recognize them from afar.

MC: Are you very knowledgeable about the Rosa chinesis?

Kiro: Yes! When I was studying in France, I was a volunteer at the Botanic Gardens. Because some things happened, there was a period of time when I couldn’t attend school. I spent my entire day in the Botanic Gardens, and I learnt a lot about the Rosa chinesis. For example, how they differ from roses, the different parts of the Rosa chinesis, and the different types… only then did I realise that the simple-looking Rosa chinesis could also be so beautiful.

MC: It shares the same name as the prolific artist Monet though.

Kiro: Mmhmm, I originally thought that it got its name because it shared the same colours as Monet’s paintings. Later on, I discovered that it was far from that.

MC: Eh? Then what’s the reason?

Kiro: The Monet flower is extremely strong against diseases. It can’t be destroyed no matter what diseases plague it. Instead, it blooms even more beautifully. Monet was also such an artist. I saw his letter in the museum and learnt that he didn’t have a good life. He was sick and poor. Even so, he could bring people warmth. He taught me that sunlight is the most meaningful thing in the world, and that all of us have the ability to make choices.

Kiro keeps his eyes on the flowers, his expression lifting into a smile. It’s a different smile from before – a genuine smile that belongs to him, a smile stemming from his innermost heart.

I suddenly feel like I’ve been transported several years back, and I can see a younger Kiro standing amid the flowers with a brilliant smile.

When I return to my senses, Kiro’s big eyes are less than ten centimeters away from me.

I instinctively shrink backwards, but Kiro reaches out for my shoulder.

Kiro: Why are you dazing off while looking at my face? Be honest, what are you thinking about?

MC: I… I was just thinking about how you’re similar to Monet. You’re always bringing people brightness and warmth.

While saying this, Kiro continues staring at me, his pure eyes looking into my heart.

That person whose entire body exudes light, and is always giving me strength… he should have such pure eyes.

Kiro laughs, his eyes crinkling.

Kiro: Monet spent his life chasing after the light. That’s where we differ. I’m even better than him, because I have already found my light.

He blinks at me, as though he is keeping a major secret, waiting for me to probe further.

I am slightly stunned and am unsure how to respond.

Kiro: Why aren’t you asking me what my light is?

[Note: At this moment, Kiro has that “I’ve been flirting with you for the past year, thanks for noticing” face]

Looking at his expression, I laugh and play along with him.

Kiro responds with a sentence in French, and I don’t understand it.

MC: What did you say?

Kiro: I’ll tell you if you dance with me.

MC: How does that even work... you were the one who prompted me to ask that question…

Acting on his own whims, Kiro lifts up my left hand while hooking onto my right hand, pulling me into a dancing posture.

MC: …eh?

In contrast to my surprise, Kiro’s face is beaming.

His lips curve upwards, like a squirrel hugging a pinecone tightly and showing it off to its friends with pride.

His blue eyes are glimmering, as though they contain the entire galaxy.

In the center of that galaxy are two tiny faces, each of them belonging to me.

The atmosphere seems to have shifted suddenly.

MC: What did you just say?

Kiro: I said, dance with me.

MC: No, I’m referring to that thing you said in French…

Before I even finish, Kiro leans close to my ear and mutters something incredibly quickly.

Kiro: It’s too late.

MC: Huh? What do you mean by that?

Kiro: I just told you the meaning, so it’s too late to reject me now.

What…

My ears start reddening. Even though this is a private greenhouse, I’m slightly embarrassed to dance here.

MC: You-

Kiro: What about me?

MC: There isn’t any music so we can’t dance!

I instantly regret once the words slip out of my mouth.

Kiro: Music?

Kiro blinks.

With a sly grin, he starts humming a tune.

Only after five notes, I have already guessed what tune he is humming.

MC: …the doll and teddy bear dance?

[Note: I went to check and it’s an actual song bless his pure heart] 

Kiro: Yep. Don’t you think it’s similar to our current situation? Miss Chips~

He stretches out the way he says “Miss Chips”, ending with a smile in his voice.

MC: Am I the teddy bear? Or the doll?

Kiro: [laughs] Of course…

Kiro purposefully drags out his answer, leading me into a slightly inaccurate rendition of ballroom dancing. He twirls me around.

Kiro: …you are my Miss Chips!

I am tickled by his words. The embarrassment I felt earlier vanishes without a trace.

MC: Fine… don’t blame me if I step on you.

Kiro: Don’t worry, it wouldn’t happen!

Where does Kiro’s confidence come from?

I understand once I cooperate and start dancing with him.

MC: Stop, stop, I’m not dancing any longer! My head’s going to explode from the twirling. How is this considered dancing?

The reason why Kiro was so sure I wouldn’t step on him is because this isn’t the ballroom dancing I envisioned at all! Most of the time I end up getting twirled around by Kiro.

Kiro: Don’t you know that this is a sort of dance too?

With a smile, he leans close to my ear, saying this clearly. Several blurry Kiros appear in my vision.

Kiro: Don’t you find this blurry feeling amazing? It’s like how people go to bars to get drunk.

MC: So you’re feeling great now?

His words seem to take on a deeper meaning, but I’m unable to grasp them in my dizzy state.

Kiro: Mm, incredibly happy!

Kiro nods his head vigorously.

MC: All right. At least all that twirling didn’t go to waste.

The main purpose of today was to help Kiro relieve stress. So as long as he’s happy, that’s fine.

My pride doesn’t matter, and the dizziness doesn’t matter!

With this thought in mind, I let out a laugh.

Kiro: What are you laughing at?

I see three sets of Kiros reaching out to me with three hands. However, I can only feel one hand on my forehead, tidying my fringe.

MC: Because I get to see you being genuinely happy.

Kiro: You’re happy when you see me happy?

Kiro’s voice is laced with anticipation.

MC: Of course I’m happy. Normally, you’re the one taking me to your secret hide-outs to recharge my batteries and relieve stress. It’s as though you hold all the sunlight in the world. But I’ve never asked whether you ever feel down. This time round, let me be your rubbish bin and get rid of your troubles. I want to peel away all the grey clouds that are blocking the sun.

While I’m saying this, Kiro stands in front of me quietly, watching me with his head slightly lowered. His expression is serious, and his eyes are focused and deep.

He looks like Kiro on the stage, yet not exactly so.

MC: Hmm… even though I don’t know what you’re troubled by, or what pressure you’re under, I can sense that it isn’t because of a creative block. If you don’t want to talk about it, or if you can’t tell me-

Before the words “it’s okay” leave my lips, I am scooped into a pair of incredibly warm arms.

Caught off guard, I fall into Kiro’s embrace.

I hear Kiro’s heartbeats, like a tiny drum, fast and without rhythm.

My heart feels ticklish, as though thousands of ants have crawled into it.

I feel sunlight on the top of my head. It’s so warm.

It’s almost noon and Kiro has to return to work. Why does time pass by so quickly?

Kiro: MC, why are you so adorable! I am really, very very very happy today!

He speaks incredibly slowly. Every “very” seems to carry with it the solemnity of experience and time.

Kiro: MC, thank you.          

MC: A-are you happy today? Did you like my mystery surprise?

Kiro: Mm! I love it! Today is Kiro’s second happiest day.

MC: Which is your first happiest day then?

Kiro: Well… I will keep that a secret for now. I’ll definitely tell you in the future.

He puts a lot of weight on the word “definitely”, making me think that the day in question is somehow related to me.

MC: You still haven’t told me what you said in French…

Kiro hugs me even more tightly, and his voice travels to my ear.

Kiro: MC, you are my light.

🍯

Phone call: here

[fanfic-corner]

Wrapped In Red

Merry Christmas, @masterofevilmonkeyness! I’ve really enjoyed writing your secret santa for @destielsecretsanta2020 this year, and it has actually ended up being the longest fic I have ever written!

First of all, here’s the playlist. My friend found some perfect songs for the different scenes, and we had a lot of fun trying to find songs with specific vibes!

Without further ado, here’s the fic. And, if you’d prefer, the link to it on AO3.

{o0o}

“So you’ll do it?” his brother’s voice crackles though Dean’s cracked phone, and he sighs. So yeah, maybe he hasn’t been on a case in a while and has been going slowly insane just hanging around the bunker, but he also doesn’t want to leave Cas alone. Since his grace had faded completely a few days ago, the former angel had hardly left his room, and Dean wasn’t sure what he could do to help.

He rubs his forehead, already feeling a headache coming on simply from this conversation, and replies, “I’ll ask Cas.”

“Okay, text me if you’re going,” Sam responds, the phone making the muffled noises that Dean has learnt means that he is holding his phone on his shoulder, freeing his hands to talk to Eileen.

“Stop worrying, anyway,” Dean tells him, cracking his back as he stands up. “You’re on holiday. Leave the cases for a while, and I’ll see you in a few weeks.”

“Alright, jerk.”

“Bitch.”

Dean slips his phone into his back pocket and wanders down the hallway, so engrossed in his plan to invest in some thick socks because the bunker floor is freezing that he nearly walks straight into Cas. His dark hair sticks up in every direction and he is wearing an old Zeppelin shirt of Dean’s and a pair of Sam’s sweatpants, which look like they are being held up by some kind of miracle. Paired with the bags under his eyes which are so dark that Dean mistakes them for bruises, he could be mistaken for a ghost. 

“Hey, uh,” Dean stutters, not sure what to say. “Sam has a case that I was thinking of going on, but we don’t have to, we can just pass it on to Garth or-”

“I’ll go with you,” Cas interrupts, his voice hoarse and croaky.

Dean raises an eyebrow. “Are you sure? You don’t look...great. No offense.”

“I’m fine, Dean.” Cas’ steely blue eyes had always been able to pull off a frighteningly good stare, and Dean just decides to go along with it. It would do them both good to get out of the bunker, in any case.

“Okay,” he agrees, “shall we go in about an hour? That’ll give me enough time to pack for both of us and you enough time to have a shower.”

Cas nods, and they part ways, Dean watching the angel hoist his borrowed pants up and disappear around the corner before shaking his head and fishing his phone out to text Sam.

We’ll take it. Send me the details, setting off in an hour.

{o0o}

Dean had tried his very best to hold a conversation when they set off on the fourteen hour drive, but he had long given up and they were only at the two hour mark. Every question he asked so far had either gone unanswered or had been graced with a monosyllabic response. It was like trying to hold a conversation with a brick wall. Well, no one could fault him for trying. 

Flicking his wrist out lazily, he turns on the radio without looking with the kind of graceful expertise that only comes from years of driving his baby at night. It takes a full ten seconds for him to realise that the sound of jingle bells is coming from the speakers before he groans. “Nope.”

A surprisingly warm hand shoots out to stop him before he can turn it off, and Dean looks up in surprise at Cas’ imploring face. “Please can we listen to it?”

Considering what the dude had lost recently - and the fact that apparently his puppy eyes are almost as effective as Sam’s - Dean was hardly going to deny him this one thing. He did, however, have one condition. “Okay, I’ll leave it on, but only if you fish out my Christmas mixtape from the box.”

Dean never took his eyes off the road, but he was acutely aware of the way Cas stared at him for a moment before excitedly rummaging through the old box of tapes. Eventually, he pulls it out, admiring the battered stickers and fading drawings that he and Sam had added when they made it all those years ago. Cas gently slides it in and the first few notes of Mariah Carey grace the air.

“Hell yeah,” Dean says, grinning wildly. “You, Castiel, are about to be educated in some proper Christmas music.”

By the time the mixtape finishes, they are both in a much better mood, so Dean decides it is probably a good idea to stop for a little bit to get some snacks and some gas. Frowning, Cas informs him that he needs the toilet, before disappearing towards the nasty looking bathroom. Dean can’t help but feel bad for him; as much as he loves being human, he knows it must be annoying to suddenly have the weird experience of a human body. They always seemed to hurt or need something, and he could tell that Cas found the whole thing incredibly repetitive and exasperating.

The gas station is like every other gas station Dean has ever seen; empty, with a layer of grime that seemed to cover everything and the bright lights that ensured that no matter what time of day it was, it always seemed to look the exact same. This one, however, is also covered in Christmas decorations. Glittery tinsel and rainbow paper chains swing from the ceiling, the air conditioning coaxing them into a gentle dance. Fake snow covers every surface, and flashing fairy lights force him to blink and look away. 

Dean moves on autopilot, picking up snacks that Cas hasn’t tried yet and a couple of bottles of water, before reaching the counter. He has to yell to the cashier - who is decked out in a festive jumper and Santa hat - in order to be heard over the deafening Christmas music.

“Here,” she practically sings, disappearing into the back room for a second before reappearing with a ridiculous pair of reindeer antlers. “These are for you, sweetie! No charge. Cheer up, it’s Christmas!”

Dean tries to refuse the antlers, but the lady - Lucy, her name tag reads - is not taking no for an answer, so eventually he gives in, telling himself that it is just so he can leave this Christmas Hell and get back to driving. Cas is waiting for him outside, leaning on the car and watching as the first few flakes of snow start to fall.

Dean hesitates for a moment before offering the antlers to him. Cas just stares at them, his head tilted to one side. Sighing, Dean just steps closer and puts them on Cas’ head, laughing when the bells jingle as he tries to look up at them without taking them off. He slips his phone out and sneaks a picture of the bewildered former angel, hastily putting it away and bundling Cas in the car so that they can set off before the snow gets too bad.

“Why did you give me a pair of fake antlers, Dean?” Cas asks as they set off, turning them over and inspecting them in his hands. Much to Dean’s dismay, they wouldn’t fit in the car. 

“Thought you liked Christmas stuff?” he replies, grinning.

“What do fabric antlers have to do with Christmas?” 

And so, Dean finds himself spending the last leg of the journey attempting to explain Christmas traditions to Cas, who can’t help interrupting and pointing out the real facts, rather than Dean’s Christmas cracker knowledge. They go over Santa and his reindeers (“reindeers can’t fly, Dean”), the birth of Jesus (“I remember Balthazar telling me about that”), and mince pies (“why are they sweet? Mince isn’t supposed to be sweet.”). By the time they arrive Dean is so eager to escape the onslaught of questions that he doesn’t know the answer to, he hits someone with the car door as he gets out.

The actual reason that they have driven into the middle of absolutely nowhere dangerously close to Christmas is because a couple had gone missing last week and hadn’t been seen since. Usually, they would assume that this case wasn’t their kind of thing, but Sam had been asked to check it out by another hunter who knew them (and who apparently had some beef with a ton of shapeshifters), and so here they are..

Dean suggests that FBI agents might be a bit too suspicious for a small town in the middle of nowhere, so instead he and Cas decide to pretend that they are just family visiting them for the weekend. They knock on next door under the pretense of asking for the spare key, and are greeted by possibly the grumpiest people Dean has ever met.

“Fine,” the lady snaps, the half of her face visible from behind the door frowning at them in disgust before turning back into the house. “Harold, get the spare key for next door!”

“Do you happen to know where they have gone?” Dean asks politely, the pleasant smile on his face starting to ache.

“No.”

Cas raises his eyebrows at Dean, before he tries. “When was the last time you saw them?”

The woman huffs impatiently. “Probably when they went to that stupid office Christmas party. We could hear the music from here. It was so inconsiderate.”

“Oh,” Dean replies, sharing a look with Cas. “Where was this party?”

The door opens fully, a man appearing behind the lady - Harold, Dean assumes - who hands the key over to them. “It was those blasted Mitchells.” He turns to his wife, his bushy eyebrows raised. “Did you hear that they are throwing another goddamn party tomorrow, Ann?”

“Thanks for all your help,” Dean interrupts before they can get too carried away. 

“Merry Christmas!” Cas adds, already backing away. 

They speedwalk back across the victims’ house, making sure that the neighbours’ door is shut before they completely break down laughing. Dean can barely open the door, but when he finally manages to correctly align the key in the lock, they both tumble into the front room, shaking uncontrollably.

Dean collapses next to the couch, sliding to the floor. He takes a couple of deep breaths before managing to speak. “Sounds like we’re going to your first Christmas party, Cas.”

{o0o}

After making their way through most of the people in the town, two things have been made very clear. First of all, the last anyone had seen of the victims - Adam and Amelia Knapp - was at their office Christmas party. Which nearly everyone in the town had been at, and yet no one knew anything remotely helpful. Secondly, there was another Christmas party being held tomorrow night by the somewhat popular Mitchell family, and the chances of their mystery monster striking were high, in Dean’s opinion.

The most logical course of action would be for Dean and Cas to pretend to be guests at the party, so they could stop their creature before anyone else went missing and then they could disappear back home in time for Christmas. However, Dean had found that nothing in his life could ever be that simple, so instead he found himself standing in front of a wide array of hats, trying to wrestle a fez away from a former angel of the Lord.

Because of course it had to be a costume party, and just as the icing on the cake, it had to be a couples only costume party.

“Dude,” Dean says, finally managing to wrench the fez from Cas’ iron grip, “if we’re wearing hats, at least try a good hat.”

Dean plops an example on Cas’ head, laughing as it slips over his eyes. “These aren’t Christmassy, Dean.”

“Sure they are,” Dean says, grabbing a hat more in Cas’ size and a matching one for him. He strolls over to the till, grabbing a couple more things on the way. “You’ll see.”

Since they have a few hours to kill before the actual party, Dean decides that they can waste some of the day doing some Christmas shopping, especially after he finds out that Cas hasn’t got any presents yet. He drives them to a nearby mall, throws Cas a handful of notes and his antlers, and gives him strict instructions to buy some presents and then meet Dean in the food court in an hour. 

“Why can’t we do it together?” Cas asks, and Dean could swear he was pouting.

“Because the presents are supposed to be a surprise,” he explains, shooing Cas away with his hands. “Look, I’ll see you in an hour, and if you need anything you can just call me, ‘kay?”

Cas nods and meanders off, disappearing into the crowd without further complaint.

It is nearly ten minutes later, while he is rummaging through some shirts in an attempt to find one in Sam’s size, when Dean realises that this is the first time that Cas has been alone since he lost his grace. A sudden jolt of panic rushes through him, and he has to force himself to take a deep breath.

Castiel was older than humanity. He had led armies of angels. He had fought against demons and archangels and every monster under the sun. He could handle buying a few Christmas presents.

But, at the same time, Dean can’t help but worry. The dude has questionable social skills at best, and he is still trying to get to grips with his brand new human body. He often has to be reminded to eat or drink water or sleep, and there were several embarrassing occasions in the beginning where he had forgotten entirely.

Dean’s hand itches, his fingers curling towards his back pocket, but he resists the urge to call and check up on Cas. He doesn’t need a babysitter. He tells himself that he should just get his presents for people and then he can meet back up with Cas as soon as possible.

The mall is packed, the usual last rush as people get the last few things they need for Christmas. Conversations and the sound of toddlers crying fight to be heard over the echoing music, festive music adding to the deafening noise. While dodging people, making his way to their meeting place, Dean tries to remember the last time he was in a mall. Certainly not recently - he thinks it may be some time before he met Cas - and he definitely doesn’t remember them making him feel this claustrophobic. The sea of people pushing against him makes him want to throw up, and he finds himself having to duck into the nearest shop to avoid the crowd, shutting his eyes and leaning heavily against a railing.

“Dean?” a deep, familiar voice asks him, concerned. “Are you alright?”

Dean cracks one eye open, laughing when he realises what shop he found Cas in. He knew he should never have introduced him to Hot Topic. “I’m fine, Cas. Just hungry.” he deflects, standing up straight and patting his friend on the shoulder.

Cas gives him a look that says ‘I know you’re lying but I’m going to let you get away with it just this once’ and instead says, “Let me pay for this, and then we can go and get some lunch.”

Not even twenty minutes later, Dean is watching Cas eat a taco for the first time and has completely forgotten that he ever felt bad, because he is laughing too hard to care. Cas looks highly bemused at the stain on his precious trench coat, but Dean thinks that, secretly, he doesn’t mind.

{o0o}

There is no question that they are in the right place when they pull up outside the address they were given a few hours later, if the ridiculous amount of fairy lights and assorted decorations are anything to go by. They can’t help but stare at the blinding display for a moment, before Dean turns to Cas to make sure he remembers the plan. “Okay, so we go in, find our mystery monster-”

“Sam thinks it is a shapeshifter.” Cas interrupts.

“Okay, so we grab this shifter, gank it, grab some food on the way out and then drive home in time for Christmas. You remember the cover story?”

Cas rolls his eyes. “Yes, Dean. We’re the Bassons, and we’re thinking about moving here. Do I need to repeat the rest?”

“Alright then, you ready?” Dean intertwines his fingers with Cas’ - in order to keep their cover, obviously - takes a deep breath, and then opens the door.

A wave of heat rolls out from the crowded house, contrasting with the painfully cold air outside. As they step inside, Dean picks up a delicious smell wafting in from the kitchen, a mixture of turkey and cranberry sauce and mulled wine and gravy. The third thing he notices is the music blaring in from the other room, loud enough that he can feel the vibrations thrum through his body. He laughs when he realises what song it is. Space Cowboy; he couldn’t have picked a more fitting song.

After they had come home from their spontaneous shopping spree, Dean had spent an hour making the perfect couple’s costume. Considering the only supplies he had were ones he had picked up from the dollar store, he was actually pretty impressed with his handiwork. Both him and Cas were wearing their normal fed suits, however, it was the hats that really sold it. Dean had affixed - using an alarming amount of superglue - a strand of purple and blue glittery tinsel to his cowboy hat, and a set of fully functional Christmas lights to Cas’. 

Cas had protested at first - “How are cowboys Christmas related, Dean?” - until he had been convinced by the hidden practicality of it: any weapons they brought with them could be written off as part of the costume. Also, cowboys are awesome. Dean has yet to find someone who can prove him wrong on that point.

Cas squeezes Dean’s hand to get his attention, nodding towards two people who appear to be the hosts of the party. The music shifts into some Christmas classic, and they make their way over so they can start ruling people off the list of suspects.

An hour later, Dean officially decides that he is never attending a Christmas party again. Luckily, they’ve only had to deal with one homophobe, who Dean ‘accidentally’ dropped a whole plate of food on, but that doesn’t mean that none of the other guests are driving him up the wall. It seems that everyone is slightly drunk apart from them, and the only reason Dean hasn’t joined in is because of the dirty looks Cas sends him every time he so much as glances towards the punch bowl. 

It’s the karaoke that does him in. Cas is somewhere (Dean couldn’t tell if he genuinely needed the bathroom, or if that was his attempt at saying he was going to scout the house) and there is a woman wearing a skimpy reindeer outfit and wailing along to Last Christmas. God only knows what caused her to get on top of the table and join in while crying, but Dean suspects the answer includes lots of alcohol and the fact that the man who she had arrived with had disappeared upstairs with an elf some time earlier. Her rendition certainly isn’t going to win any awards.

With Cas not there to see, Dean manages to finish two plastic cups worth of surprisingly nice punch before he can be stopped. Considering the dude has flashing lights on his head, Cas can be remarkably sneaky when he wants to be.

“Dean, I don’t think-”

“Oh, what wonderful costumes!” a woman interrupts, and Dean forces a smile back on his aching face before he turns around to face her, just in time to see wink at him. She is wearing a green dress and is covered in baubles and tinsel, and the man standing next to her is literally wearing a massive cardboard box, wrapped to look like a present. It takes all of Dean’s self control not to laugh at the sheer ridiculousness of it.

“Thank you,” Cas says, and Dean wraps an arm around his waist in order to confirm that they are, in fact, a couple. The few times he had touched Castiel, he had been cold; it had felt like touching a corpse. As a human, Cas was like a hot water bottle, and even though the house was boiling, Dean couldn’t help but latch onto him whenever the opportunity arose. 

“I’m Natasha,” the woman continued, staring at Dean in what he had to assume was her version of ‘seductive’ and completely ignoring Cas. “Oh, and this is Cole,” she adds as an afterthought.

Cole also winks at Dean. He has never felt so uncomfortable in his life, and he went to Hell. Although, he has also never had both members of a couple separately flirt with him while fake dating someone else.

“I’m Dean, and this is Cas,” he replies, pulling the former angel even closer into him. “My husband.”

“Oh,” Cole says, and Dean doesn’t think he is imagining the disappointed tone.

“Sorry,” Natasha adds, not sounding in any way apologetic. “I didn’t realise you were a couple!”

Dean didn’t think he could make it more obvious, but… if she didn’t believe them, then they might be at risk of blowing their cover. There were already at least seven people who had been avoiding them after the usual weird questions and some not quite realistic ploys to get them to touch a silver coin that they had brought with them. 

“Why’s that?” he asks, and regrets the question almost as soon as it comes out of his mouth.

“For starters,” Natasha proclaimed, way too eager for this to end well. “You’ve been standing under mistletoe this whole time and haven’t kissed!”

Dean’s whole body freezes as they both look up, and sure enough, the bastard plastic plant is hanging directly over their heads.

“I didn’t realise,” Cas says, somewhat dazedly.

Dean takes a deep breath - there’s nothing they can do now, not with these nosy, weirdass people watching and waiting and expecting a kiss - and pulls Cas closer, turning to face him so their bodies are pressed together. In the dim lights, the lights on Cas’ hat make his startling blue eyes twinkle like starlight, and Dean wonders how he never saw how gorgeous he was before now. Maybe he had, and it had just been buried along with everything else.

“Dean,” Cas’ low voice rumbles, but he doesn’t finish his sentence.

Kissing a man is not so different to kissing a woman, and Dean can’t help but notice how much he likes the feeling of Cas’ chapped lips on his own. Something lights up inside him like a firework, and he realises exactly how much he wanted - no, needed this. He feels better than he has in a long time, as if a missing puzzle piece had suddenly slotted into place.

Cas pulls away first, and Dean’s mind suddenly catches up with his body. Holy shit, he just kissed Cas. He barely registers Natasha and Cole walking away, still transfixed by the fact he finds a former angel of the Lord - who is a man - devastatingly handsome.

“Dean. Dean, are you okay?” It is only the feeling of Cas’ body heat leaving him that gets him to look down, absentmindedly fixing the shorter man’s hat.

“Yeah,” Dean replies, choking on the words. “Yeah, I just gotta - I’m just gonna…”

And, like a complete and utter cowardly dick, he walks away.

{o0o}

It has been twenty minutes, so Dean can be fairly certain that Cas isn’t gonna come looking for him. Which is fine. It’s not like he was expecting him to. They only kissed to keep up the pretense, and Dean’s weird behaviour has probably ruined that anyway. It meant nothing.

The problem is that Dean can’t stop thinking about how amazing it had felt to kiss Cas. He had tasted like mulled wine and honey and the promise of a thousand lazy mornings. It had felt like flying and drowning all at once. Dean had never understood when people had described kisses as things that had nothing to do with the act, like earthquakes or lightning or fireworks, but the only way he could explain the ecstasy he had felt when their lips had touch was an act of God.

And that thought only spiraled into another: Dean had kissed an angel of the Lord. An angel. Even though Cas was human now, he still remembered the birth of existence and every word that came out of his mouth was fueled by eons of knowledge and memories and experience. He held himself with a grace that only a true warrior can execute, and to him, Dean must seem so small. How insignificant was he compared to that brilliant man?

Finally, there it is. The real issue. Castiel is a man.

It had taken some time, but Dean had taught himself, eventually, that John Winchester was a terrible parent. In fact, it was generous to call him a parent at all. It was Dean who had raised Sam, raised himself. And, even now, he couldn’t help but fall back into his old mindset, into an old version of Dean who would have done anything for his father’s approval. But, if he is being honest with himself - and, let’s be frank, it’s about time - Castiel was not the first man he had liked. He probably wasn’t even the third. 

In that moment, Dean decides that he doesn’t want to be a coward any longer. If he never expected his life to be a long one, then it is all the more reason to go for what he wants now, rather than later.

Yeah, maybe he’ll lose Cas, but… the possibility of what could await him if Cas does reciprocate is far more frightening than the former angel laughing in his face.

{o0o}

Castiel considers himself very knowledgeable in Dean Winchester’s emotions. He knows exactly how long to avoid Dean after eating a slice of his pie, he knows that he can hold full conversations with just a look, and, as an example, he knows that after their kiss, Dean Winchester was panicking. Badly.

That was fine. Castiel was fine with that. It wasn’t like he had been secretly in love with a man who had repeatedly called him a brother for over ten years. Nothing like that.

Sighing, Cas gently puts his paper plate on the corner of the kitchen table, the food he had been so excited to try half an hour ago now making his stomach roll. He figured that Dean had just needed some air; he would cool down, shove all of his emotions down in true Winchester fashion, and then return and pretend that nothing ever happened. The problem wasn’t just with the fact that Cas would very much be remembering that kiss until the day he died, but that Dean had been a really long time. 

Time moves differently now that he was human. As an angel, everything seemed to move so much faster. There was always something to do, the faint crackling of angel radio like a comforting background noise or a million particles to study. A blink of his eye and a century could have passed, and yet here he is, thirty minutes feeling like an eternity.

It’s by the time Cas has checked every room downstairs that he really starts to worry.

Dean is not in the kitchen stuffing his face, and he is not in the dining room drinking punch, and he is not dancing to the rather annoying upbeat song that is playing in the living room. He is not in the hallway, or on the stairs, or in the bathroom. When Cas starts asking, people give conflicting answers. A bauble saw him go upstairs, a Christmas tree could swear he was in the kitchen, an elf insists that he went outside. 

Since it is the only place he hasn’t checked, Cas heads outside. There, on the floor, is Dean’s stupid hat, the tinsel loose on one side, dangling pathetically into a puddle of melted snow.

Cas immediately calls Sam, who picks up surprisingly quickly. “Cas? What’s up?”

“ImighthavekissedDeanandnowIdon’tknowwhereheis-”

“Cas, slow down,” Sam urges, forcing Cas to take a deep breath before continuing.

“We’re, uh, at a couples’ only party, and we had to kiss and then Dean freaked out but he’s been gone for ages and I think he is in trouble,” Cas says, only marginally slower than before.

“Shit. Okay, send me the address. We’re on our way.”

Sam, Cas thinks as he tries a door handle that he missed before, is excellent at coming up with plans. Maybe it’s the time spent in college, maybe it’s his years of hunting experience, but even over the phone he had pointed out things that Cas had failed to spot. Like, for example, the door to the basement.

Cas turns the phone flashlight on like Dean taught him, the beam still not strong enough to light up the impenetrable darkness. The music fades to a distant hum in the background, becoming distorted and frantic as Cas feels. His eyes have barely adjusted enough to see the familiar but unconscious form on the ground - “Dean?” - before something solid connects with the back of his head, and Cas tumbles forwards, crumpling at the bottom of the stairs.

{o0o}

“Cas?”

Cas groans. When he had finally fallen completely, he had been surprised by how much being human hurts. Something always aches, and everything is so easy to damage. Even the smallest of injuries - a stubbed toe or a papercut - hurts way more than it should.

Apparently, a combination of blunt force trauma to the back of the head and the general bruises one acquires from falling down a flight of stairs hurt a lot more than a stubbed toe.

“Hey, buddy, you okay?” A familiar voice asks, and Cas tries to turn his head so that he can see Dean, instead finding out that that particular head movement causes his vision to blur and swim. When he attempts to bring his hands up to survey the damage, he can’t understand why they don't move for a moment, before his brain finally manages to catch up and he remembers the night’s events. 

So, maybe he wasn’t expecting his first kiss with Dean to be followed by being kidnapped and tied up in a basement, but this is a Winchester they are talking about here. 

“Come on, talk to me here.” Dean says, sounding worried.

Cas swallows, aiming to say something to ease Dean’s concern and instead causing a coughing fit. “I’m fine,” he eventually manages to gasp.

Dean snorts. “Sure sound like it.”

They are silent for a moment, the only sounds in the room an echoing drip and Cas’ raspy breaths. Cas isn’t sure how long they have been down there, but since Dean isn’t wriggling about in an attempt to escape, it has probably been long enough that he has already checked whether or not he can untie himself. From what Cas’ fumbling fingers can tell, though, the knots keeping them bound to this stupid pole are very good.

He feels utterly pathetic. He used to be a soldier - he had led armies, fought battles that humans couldn’t even comprehend - and here he was now, entirely useless, taken out by a baseball bat and kept prisoner by a length of rope. If he was still an angel this would have never happened. He could have saved Dean, he would have killed whoever did this, and they would have been back in time to enjoy the end of the party.

“What do we do now?” Cas asks, finally breaking the silence.

Dean sighs, and Cas can feel him against his back as his whole body sags down. “I don’t think there’s anything we can do but wait.”

Cas didn’t think he had ever heard Dean give up so easily, and it scared him. “What?”

“I don’t exactly see a way out of this, Cas. I’ve been trying to get these ropes off for half an hour and I think they’re probably just tighter than they were when I started.”

Cas gave an experimental yank, and Dean hissed in pain. Suddenly, the wetness on Cas’ hands made sense. “You’re bleeding, Dean.”

The hunter didn’t reply.

Cas had always thought that his death would be noble. Previously, it had always at least been in battle or a sacrifice, but this was just… pitiful. He was going to die at the hands of some random shapeshifter in someone’s disgusting basement, while wearing a cowboy costume.

“I - uh, I just wanted to say,” Dean starts, sounding unsure, “that I’m sorry about earlier.”

“It’s fine, Dean,” he replies, shutting his eyes in an attempt to block out the conversation. If he was going to die, he would rather not be rejected first.

“It was a dick move,” Dean continues, as if he hadn’t heard Cas. “I was just - I mean - I want to say…”

“What, Dean?”

Dean’s voice is barely a whisper. “I think I’d like to kiss you again.”

Cas’ eyes snap back open, and he hits his head on the pole in his confusion. “You would?”

“You don’t… I thought… I mean, I’m just kid-”

“Shut up,” Cas interrupts, not wanting Dean to panic all over again. “I would like that.”

“Oh. Really? Okay,” Dean replies, and Cas shuffles around until he manages to hold his hand. It’s sticky and wet with blood where Dean’s wrists have been hurt by the ropes, and every aching muscle in Cas’ body screams at the awkward position, but he thinks it might still be the happiest he has ever been.

{o0o}

Dean isn’t sure how long it is until he hears the footsteps on the stairs, but it’s long enough for him to feel much too tired for a fight. Can’t the universe just let him be happy for once? Is it too much to ask to not have to fight tooth and claw for one scrap of peace?

“Well, hello there,” a man’s voice says, and Dean feels Cas stiffen. It sounds oddly familiar, but he can’t quite place his finger on where he would have heard it before.

That is, until a second voice speaks. “What have we got here, Harold?”

The next-door neighbours. The old couple who had been complaining about the parties. Of course the only two people in this godforsaken town who they hadn’t checked were the bad guys. He should have seen it. They should have asked them more questions when they weren’t tied to this stupid pole in this stupid fucking basement.

“A pair of cowboys, Ann,” Harold tuts, and Dean cannot believe he is about to be killed by a weird old couple, of all things. He had prevented the apocalypse at least twice, had defeated God, and yet he was going to be killed by the monster of the week. Who looked like they were about three hundred years old, owned fifty cats and knitted in their spare time.

Ann walks around them, her heels clacking on the stone floor, until she comes to a stop in front of Dean. “What a shame,” she says, looking down at him like he was a stain on her shoe. “I was hoping we’d get a crier. Men rarely cry. Apart from that last fellow, of course.”

Dean’s stomach rolls, and he suddenly regrets eating so many pigs in blankets at the party. 

“What are you?” Cas practically growls, his hand squeezing Dean’s to comfort him.

“Whatever do you mean, son?” Harold asks, and he sounds genuinely confused.

Oh shit, Dean thinks, letting out an amused huff of breath. Great. He isn’t even going to be killed by the monster of the week. He’s gonna be killed by an actual old person.

“Is something funny, sweetie?” Ann demands, frowning.

Dean smiles up at her, deciding that he may as well die how he lived: a snarky bastard. “Sorry, I just can’t believe that I got kidnapped by someone’s grandma.”

Ann steps closer to him, crouching down so she is his height. A sliver of silver reflects in the dim light like a shooting star, slicing downwards and cutting a thin line across Dean’s neck. “Don’t give me cheek, boy.”

“Let’s kill the other one first, sweetheart. Then that rude fella has to watch his boyfriend die.” Harold suggests, spitting out the word ‘boyfriend’ like it physically hurts him.

Dean clutches Cas’ hand tighter, trying not to let the panic that is welling up inside him, cold and merciless, show on his face. He tugs desperately at the ropes around his wrists one more time, hoping for a miracle that he knows isn’t coming.

“Say goodbye, now.” Ann says, and Dean shuts his eyes. He knows that he can’t deal with losing Cas again, even if he’ll be gone soon after. He spares a brief thought wondering where Cas will go when he dies; is he human enough to avoid the Empty? And even so, would he go to Heaven or Hell?

“I love you, Cas,” Dean whispered, because even though he is scared, he knows that Cas deserves to know.

If Cas says anything back, Dean doesn’t hear it over the gunshot.

{o0o}

Dying was not a new experience for Castiel, nor was dying as a human. What was a new experience was the pain he felt in his chest that no bullet or knife could replicate. It was the knowledge that he had the opportunity to be happy and it had been ripped from him. It was knowing that someone loved him and cared for him and was being taken away from him.

When Harold dropped dead instead of Cas, his heart fluttered. Maybe he did have a chance.

“Dean, are you alright?” Sam’s voice calls out, and Cas finally allows himself to relax slightly.

“Sam?” Dean asks, surprise and confusion and relief all mixed together.

Eileen appears from nowhere and stoops down, grinning at Cas and slicing through the ropes. She winks at him but doesn’t say anything, simply helping him to his feet when it becomes obvious he can’t do it by himself. Sam has backed Ann into the corner of the room, his gun pointed at her with an unwavering hand, but Dean whispers something in his ear and he lowers it slightly. He signs something over his shoulder, not even glancing away from the threat, and Eileen rushes off upstairs, essentially shoving the injured Castiel into Dean’s side.

“Hey, buddy, you okay?” Dean asks gently, wrapping his arm around Cas’ waist to hold him up. His wrists are still bleeding and they are both cold from sitting in a freezing basement for ages, but the simple action fills Cas with a warmness.

“I’ve been in love with you for twelve years, you assbutt,” he mumbles.

Dean smiles down at him, somehow looking charming even covered in dirt and blood, only looking up when Sam clears his throat.

“Look, we should get out of here,” Sam suggests, standing up. He’s tied Ann to the same post that they thought would be their deathbed only a few minutes ago, and he is shooing them towards the stairs back up to the party. “Eileen’s getting someone to call the cops and we don’t wanna be here when they arrive.”

Cas ducks down, for a moment, holding Dean’s hand so he doesn’t completely keel over, and grabs the two hats off the ground. Reaching up, he puts his on before gently placing Dean’s on his head. The tinsel is falling off on one side, the lights have run out of battery, and they are both caked in dirt, but it still makes Dean smile.

“Let’s go home,” Dean says, leaning down and softly kissing Cas.

{o0o}

Much to Dean’s surprise, Sam and Eileen said nothing about his new relationship with Cas. In fact, when he tried to bring it up - he knew Sam had seen them kissing for Christ’s sake - Sam just shook his head and rolled his eyes at Dean. “Jody owes me fifty dollars,” was all he said, and their discussion was over.

Cas didn’t seem too perturbed by the whole situation, and Dean found himself wondering whether it was just him who found their new relationship strange. Not that anything much had changed, for that matter. They both behaved the exact same way, with added kissing. So what if Sam thought Dean was weird for still calling Cas ‘buddy’? He wasn’t the one dating a former angel.

What Dean had decided, after their fun little kidnapping escapade, was that Cas deserved an awesome Christmas. It was his first one as a human, after all, and what kind of boyfriend would Dean be if he didn’t show Cas all the wonders of the holiday season?

And that is how they found themselves turning the drive home into a Christmas road trip.

Cas wore his reindeer antlers wherever possible, and Dean took a million photos of him. On the first day, they visited a Christmas market. Dean thought it was much too busy and annoying, but it was all worth it for the smile Cas had after drinking his first hot chocolate. On the second day, they went to a drive-in movie. Cas gave both the funniest and most irritating running commentary that Dean had ever heard, having to remind him every five minutes that “it’s a romcom, Cas. It’s not supposed to make sense.”

On Christmas Eve, they spent most of the day driving to make sure they got home in time for the dinner that Sam and Eileen had promised. They sang carols at full volume and blasted Christmas songs and Dean taught Cas how to play the air guitar. Dean couldn’t remember a time when he had felt such a sense of freedom and happiness. Maybe it was just a Christmas miracle.

Christmas day rolled around, and it was the nicest Christmas that Dean could remember having. Sam and Eileen had decorated the entire bunker with tinsel and streamers, and had even managed to bring in a huge tree from outside. So maybe not all the decorations on it were technically Christmas related, but the silver bullets were shiny and although no one was quite sure what the pentagram they were using a star on the top did, it looked pretty cool.

By the evening, they had eaten enough food to feed twenty people for a week and had exchanged presents. Sam was sitting at the table with his new fancy pens, Eileen had disappeared to take a shower with her new soaps, and Cas and Dean were firmly planted on the couch. Cas’ new fuzzy socks were warm and ticklish against Dean’s feet, and the angel was a surprisingly good cuddler. 

All of a sudden, Dean sat up, dragging Cas with him. “Come on, dude. We should dance.”

Cas snorted but agreed, wrapping his arms around Dean tightly. They swayed slowly to the music, his head on Cas’ shoulder, gently singing along to the slow music.

Now you hang from my lips

Like the Gardens of Babylon

With your boots beneath my bed

Forever is the sweetest con.

Dean’s mouth twists into a smile. “I could spend forever with you,” he whispers, and he leans down to kiss his angel again.

[aristotels]

Totels, I see you sometimes post about ED problems and eating habits. What do you think about "Intuitive Eating"? If you have ever heard about it? There is a kind of "movement" for it too but also the theory itself is interesting (which from what I have seen could be separated since a lot of communities sometimes misinterpret certain aspects).

i really hope you don’t mind a public and a bit lengthier response, but i’m really, really passionate about this topic  (〃＞＿＜;〃)

...anyway this turned out to be an essay because i cant shut up.  (；￣Д￣)

the only ‘social justice’ drama i follow is actually HAES/anti-HAES/diet culture one, because it’s relevant to me every day. unpopular opinion but: *all three* suck 😭

..............but that’s a topic for another time. let’s stick to IE...

IE is a great concept!

actually, recovery ED books are going to suggest something similiar. 

not at first though: people with EDs have their hunger cues absolutely fucked and we need to learn how to eat at schedule first until our cues start working properly. but the idea of following how your body reacts to substance is an important one. it’s one (among many others) of the recovery goals.

 (if you are someone with restrictive ED, any food feels invasive. i, as bulimic, often have pretty fucked energy levels, nutrients, feelings of tireness due to loss of important vitamins and water. and eating until satisfied often triggers me and makes me purge; so i’m learning how not to do that.😔)

the idea is to face fullness and notice how you react to it. i try to be mindful of this (it’s a daily struggle for me). i don’t generally feel hungry, but i’ve noticed that one of signs of hunger is: my hand shaking, lack of concentration/focus. as an artist, you can see how troublesome having a weak hand is.  😭

so i’ve learnt during time that, when i eat; i need to have a bit of chocolate with something else. only chocolate suddenly makes me nervous, and something else (like fats/protein) don’t give me immediate energy boost to wake up from the unfocused state and continue with my work. with lots of trial and error i’ve managed to notice how my body reacts to these combinations.

then i’ve noticed how i don’t like too processed foods/sugar because they make me jittery, or sluggish next morning, but also that completely avoiding them makes me feel equally tired or bad. 

“eating no sugar” is a nice daydream, but not a very sustainable one; at least in my case. (but also you have to know that i’ve completely ruined my body and sugar levels with extreme restriction/weight loss/binge-purge cycles and so on.) u_u; i am sure certain people will feel better when giving it up or whatever, but tbh, my ED nutritionist isn’t someone who agrees with that philosophy at all.

e sad, to the part which is social.

lots of internet communities with HAES/IE/Fat acceptance mis...understand this idea. it’s not about satisfying your cravings, it’s about satisfying your energy levels. 

people use this to be like “oh i’m sad so i’ll have a bag of chips” and stuff, when it’s not the proper idea. let me be real: i will eat a full chocolate bar during PMS because suddenly my sugar dropped. and because i’m a human who messes up. XD however, i will also have to notice when my mg in general drops and i have to eat like, red meat. or spinach.

i really dislike HAES philosophy of ‘all sizes are healthy’ when its... not true. i also dislike diet culture philosophy. i’m someone who has lost like 50lbs in super short amount of time on very restrictive and obsessive diet; (i’m talking like 300cals a day) and i’ve also: lost hair, my period, felt dizzy and weak, had my dissociation spike up, lost friends and was even asked if i’m ill. 

the idea that thinness is ultimate goal is toxic as hell.

but also the idea that being healthy weight range is unhealthy is also toxic. i’ve seen HAES communities try to persuade people off losing weight when its obvious they’re unhealthy and their weight bothers them. from personal experience i did feel better when thinner... i mean. okay. i can see the certain health difference...... 

if we ignore the whole fucked-my-system-up part.  (；￣Д￣)  

the good news is that you can absolutely reap only the positive weight loss things, without needing to resort to the ED behaviours. you don’t need to lose your period or eat like a mouse, weight loss is possible in a healthy way.

IE is a good way to think about things and a good goal; noticing when you’re full and stopping, noticing when something is just a craving or a thing you really need in that moment to function, etc.

like, mislim da when people would focus on healthy eating habits and not being thin, just listening to their bodies (and not only for junk food) they would fall in some healthy weight range regardlessly if they’re too fat or too thin.

(disclaimer: obviously, the deal with ED people is different; there is psychological and nutritionist care needed to balance out things. also, another disclaimer: i’m not american so... i feel like european eating habits are different than american ones. ( 」°ロ°)」

[lgcxhanseul]

hello everyone! i’m happy to finally bring in hanseul, also known as anthony. he’s an legacy trainee that entered in jan 2019, and is working towards becoming a solo artist that he dreams of. below are links to all of his stuff that i’ve been working on, including plots, and below the cut is also some tl;drs about him! if you would like to plot with him, please do feel free to come and pop me a message in my tumblr dms, or request for my discord or twitter as well! if you should drop a like to this intro here, i will get back to you as soon as i can in tumblr ims ^^ 

profile | full profile | biography | interview | skills analysis | plots

born anthony ko hanseul to ko minjae and kang lia, he’s the youngest of three siblings, born with a silver spoon and into an overseas chaebol family that cares much more for their appearance / reputations as chaebols rather than prioritising the feelings of others. 

he has only recently returned to sk, though he has done so multiple times with his family back in the days during holiday.

he was born in los angles, california, and is currently studying in global cyber university majoring in entertainment and media, though he hasn’t been very consistent with things. 

he has an older brother and older sister. (wanted connections) his older brother is also an idol trainee, and was the reason why his parents refused to allow hanseul to pursue anything marginally related to the arts. his older sister is also in the entertainment industry (most likely a model or an actress), though they are all rather estranged from each other since hanseul purposely avoids them.

he has 3 nicknames. tony, andy, and hanse. his nickname andy came from a childhood friend (potential connection / idea) out of a mutual dislike for iron man, because people usually called him tony due to his name being anthony. they eventually succeeded in making people call him andy instead of tony after a few good years when they were younger. 

his hanja name is the source of one of his nicknames : hanse because directly translated into english 寒瑟 is read as hanse. 

he was great at his studies but also lazy enough not to want to concentrate on it, so his results were never that outstanding. instead he turned his prime attention + energy to things he liked aka sports and the arts. 

he acted in at least 20 musicals in his youth whilst in his college drama club. that’s where he first learnt the basics of dancing and singing + guitar for a role. 

he’s known to be good at everything that he has a passion for or makes an effort to do, and some people don’t like him because he makes it seem so easy when it isn’t. 

he skateboards, and makes his own skateboards. 

he’s an avid movie collector, and has been recently on a marvel movie spree because of black widow. 

he has a good love for gaming as well, though he does more fps shooting games and fighting games. 

he’s a bit of a gym fanatic, esp on the note of keeping a healthy body. 

he lied to his parents after passing the global audition for legacy, and purposely took his results, applied to his current uni--so that he had a valid reason to come and study in sk. none of his parents knew that he did this until around a year later when he called them and told them the truth, then proceeded to hang up on his parents ;

he currently owes his parents because of him lying abt him being a trainee, and they’ve been trying to push him to date some girls that they like, which he’s both annoyed about and glad that they haven’t decided to move back to follow through with things.

[courage-a-word-of-justice]

Suppose a Kid... 1 | Hortensia Saga 1 | Kumo Desu Ga 1 | 2.43 1 | Cells at Work!! 1 - 2 | Cells at Work: Code Black 1 | Back Arrow 1 - 2 | Praeter 1 | Horimiya 1 | Tomozaki 1 - 2 | Wonder Egg Priority 1 | IChu 1 | Kemono Jihen 1 | YuruCamp 2 1 | Dr Stone: Stone Wars 1 | Sk8 1 | Mushoku Tensei 1 | Design-bu 1 | Wave!! 1 | BSD Wan! 1 | Ex-Arm 1

After much watching...I cut it down to 5 anime and 1 short.

Suppose a Kid… 1

I am not writing out that full title every time! Anyways, here’s the first “real” debut of winter 2021.

For some reason…this series reminds me of Pokemon. Probably how at the start, Ash tries to get along with Pikachu by doing all sorts of things like what Lloyd is doing here. (<- learnt protag’s name through synopses)

The name “Shouma” rang a bell and I was right – Shouma is voiced by Souma…Saito.

The Japanese title has “monogatari” on the end there…so it probably doesn’t fully translate into the English title.

These orange flecks in Lloyd’s eyes are kinda distracting…

Isn’t Kunlun in China, though…?

If this is just going to be Marie yelling…I don’t see why I should stay. (<- turned volume on for everything so far)

*facepalms* Lloyd is so dense…

That fight scene’s not very good…

…oh great. Selen’s fallen in love with Lloyd already…*sigh*

The missing princess is certainly going to be a plot point later.

Wow, that tiger looks impressive! If only they could’ve done that for the fight scene…

…oh great, Selen is a low-key yandere…

Didn’t Lloyd say he sucked at combat…? Anyways, I’m not keeping this. The designs are colourful and the tiger was good, but it’s meant to be a comedy and it’s not funny.

Hortensia Saga 1

Here for Ume! He’s voicing a guy called Defloitte Danois.

I-Is that CGI? So early on into the anime???

*a dude gets bitten into by the werewolf*…welp, at least this series isn’t afraid of its own gore.

I had a sinking feeling our real protag was Alfred…and I was right, according to the OP.

Huh? The song goes silent for a second near the end…what the heck?

The book appears to use English, albeit English so faintly inked in you can’t quite tell what language it is.

Alfred, governing Albert…? Isn’t that a bit redundant?

I swear all the female voices in this anime are squeaky as all get out…

All these high fantasy anime – or heck, any high fantasy series full stop – ever justify why the country is worth fighting for. It’s why I find war stories pointless and senseless.

You can tell from the voice and short stature “Marius” is Mariel…but she uses boku, which is why Alfred can’t really tell the difference. (Also, he wasn’t privy to the fact Mariel cut her hair.)

This almost smacks of a game tutorial. The CGI is still there…it’s not as bad as other examples I’ve seen, but you can tell it’s CGI when you look at it.

Roy’s kind of pretty, in a generic way.

A close-range archer! Ho, you’re kinda impressive yourself, Roy. (The feeling of a game tutorial has disappeared by this point.)

Hortense…of Hortensia…how confusing.

The scruffy guy you keep seeing with the dark hair is Defloitte. Keep an eye out for him for me, would you?

The ED seems to consist mostly of…anguished pop screams. *cringes slightly*

Anyways, this anime isn’t bad. It’s quite average though and its CGI could easily get worse.

Kumo Desu ga 1

…you know I don’t like 1st person cam, yeah?

…this is just Kumoko (as I’ve heard her being called) yelling so far…plus there’s quite a bit of CGI.

I like how the ED has an English overlay and the style they’ve used for it. The music, though…? Nah.

Wait a second? Millepensee? Shin Itagaki? That would explain the CGI!

“…a spider that just happens to have my memories.” – A butterfly dream, huh?

…well, at least this anime is well aware of the genre space it inhabits. Maybe you could say…it’s an isekai light novel, so what? *groans from the audience*

…well, you didn’t really “bring” your “brother’s” (?) corpse in case of an emergency, now, did you?

…welp, to have guts, you must eat guts. I guess that’s how it goes.

What’s a “skanda”?

This anime’s quite monologue-y (as expected of an LN). I can live with it, but I don’t know if it can carry the entire thing through the season.

…humans? Haven’t seen them almost all episode. What are they up to?

These designs sort of look like SAO’s. They’re not a dealbreaker yet, but they could be down the line…

This ED seems to take cues from Cop Craft’s OP (same studio). It also has some…“Aggretsuko rage”, I guess you could call it.

2.43 1

…Another confusing title, I see. I normally don’t do sports anime, but I’m here for Ume.

*sees the colour of the volleyball* - Basically anything volleyball has to collaborate with volleyball maker Mikasa, doesn’t it?

This anime seems to like putting characters’ thoughts on the screen for dramatic impact. The CGI is sort of visible, but not a dealbreaker.

I’d thought I’d heard of this OP artist before, but it turns out I haven’t.

This series has a nice sense of force. You see those moments where the ball squishes, or when Yuni presses against the wall without thinking? Those.

LOL, way to burn Yuni, Chika…

These transitions are a bit hard to detect. I think I like Akudama’s more overt ones more.

LOL, Dr Popper (sic).

The serves are nothing special. Haikyuu does the same thing from the episode I saw of it. (You know I don’t like Haikyuu, yeah? Dropped it after 1 episode because everything I heard the fans talking about caused me to connect the dots.)

The way Yuni blushes…it’s more than someone usually would, even if it is out of embarrassment. It may just be the entertainment I consume, but I could swear that’s going somewhere in more of a BL manner.

I get the feeling Chika has a bit of Virgo or Taurus in him somewhere. The sort of guy who nags at everyone to do stuff his way is probably like that.

Pocari Sweat (unaltered).

I gave myself dimples by puffing up my cheeks and poking them until they became permanent. I guess you can do the same thing with ambidexterity…?

For some reason, I can detect Chika’s jealousy when he discusses blocks and natural talent.

…wow, this anime is pretty serious for a volleyball anime.

The ED scene where the face is replaced with flowers is pretty creepy. Like Jigokuraku or something.

Cells at Work!! 1

What are these blob creatures you see in the OP, anyway…?

I think I remember reading something that the numbers assigned to the cells aren’t arbitrary – they’re hexadecimal colors, e.g. RBCs get shades of red as their numbers.

D’aww, Platelets warm the heart. They really do.

Platelets have a master…? I thought they were all just lil’ kids.

“What the cell’s going on?!” – Oh, I remember seeing a tweet about this. I love that pun! Kudos to whoever was responsible for that.

LOL, no. 4989 dancing in the background.

Hmm…those nets look like CGI.

…uh, I did not need that shot of the Megakaryocyte’s camel toe…that’s distubring.

Wait, Backward Cap is a she?!

Aw, lookit WBC being a dad. That’s cute.

Backward Cap = Ushiromae-chan.

Is that…a construction worker holding a giant pudding?!

Cells at Work Code Black 1

This anime is called “black” due to black companies. It’s Code Black to avoid being racist, I guess. I’m looking forward to it because it’s undoubtedly going to show a dark side to the main series…

…and there it is, the RBC complaining.

I assume OJT = on the job training.

I knew “pespin” (sic) was a typo. It’s pepsin.

Now that I’ve been working at customer service for two years (give or take COVID), I can see where the senpai RBC is smoothing over the relations.

…that also means I know where to suppress my emotions. I’m not a person who opens up to people easily without getting used to them, so people never see me as suitable for customer service anyway, but it’s the only experience I have so *shrugs*.

…oh gosh. I haven’t seen these words since…the time I was still learning biology.

…*sigh* Rookie RBC is worried about boobs.

The fact Senpai lost his iconic hat…is kinda sad, actually.

“Don’t let his resolve be for nothing.”

Hmm…does the male WBC from the main series wear black fingerless gloves?

I thought I’d heard of this artist before…but turns out I just can’t distinguish really autotuned artists from each other…(lel)

…and stuff goes ka-blam. It’s the spiritual successor to HypMic, even if I wasn’t asking for it. (LOL)

Back Arrow 1

…I heard you said “hot guys”? (Yes, I am predictable as all get out.)

What’s with that episode title…?

Stereotypes, eh? I kind of expected as much from the promo, but where’s the title character…?

…was that yuri fanservice? I can’t quite tell because it was the aftermath of an action scene, but I can see the shippers gearing up in my head.

…after a bit of waiting, there he is. Back Arrow himself. He kind looks like Takuto (Star Driver).

“I’m not trying to hide anything!” – Well, that’s…true.

…*sigh* Why do girls always have more feminine-looking mechs? (Plus this one has boobs…*sighhhhhhhhhhhh*)

So it seems mechs in this anime are the form of one’s conviction and they have skills along those lines, eh? An interesting concept.

…you do realise I abandoned an entire anime based on a joke about lucky underwear? However, this anime is so absurd and just keeps running with the joke that I just can’t say no to it. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt from volunteering at a charity store, it’s that when it comes to selling stuff, you can’t say no to a lot of stuff…including selling potentially used underwear, so long as it’s not dirty or stinky.

Whoa! Those things break?!

Why does the title card mention the wall...?

Anyways, I…like it, surprisingly enough. Let’s keep going.

Back Arrow 2

…eh? Didn’t expect inflatable clothing, LOL.

I suspect Shu Bi is scheming something.

What’s the long thing…?

“…tomorrow might not come.” – A good reminder to have in these times of COVID.

Peath = Peace. (Heh. What a stupid name…*thinks about the name “Quattro Bajeena” suddenly* Okay, “Peath” pales in comparison to that.)

What is that creature that circles in the sky…?

I know this is meant to be a serious fight, but…that attacking guy’s hat seriously looks like a bamboo stalk and so I keep seeing it and trying not to laugh.

I only just now realised there’s CGI. CGI these days is getting much better than it used to be.

Tomozaki 1

LOL, Yontendo. It’s clearly Smash Bros + Nintendo Switch and the character designer was also around for Iroduku, so that’s why this style looks familiar.

…lemme guess, since this is a romance, it’s likely NONAME is Aoi. Or some other girl.

I would pay for a romance where it’s the girl building the guy up to be presentable, instead of a girl building other girls up to be presentable a la Ageha 100%.

Didn’t the anime show us Tomozaki reflecting to himself, though…?

“…rules working in combination.” - Well, there’s social norms (e.g. knock before entering a room), laws, contracts, societal standards (e.g. in Japanese society, you bow to others as a greeting or apology)…(continues to blabber on for a bit)

I think Aoi said something like “onitadaku”, but I’m not sure what the joke is there. Oni is in there, sure, but what’s the original phrase she’s playing off?

…LOL, it’s a good time to remind people to wear a mask.

LOL, Krout.

Anyways, this seems decent. I like how it’s going the way I want it to.

Tomozaki 2

“…make sure I’m nearby…” – Okay, that’s just being pushy, Aoi.

Minami and Hinami…so confusing…

*Minami chomps on Natsubayashi’s ear* - …okay, that’s not a thing girls do in real life unless they’re lesbians. This is likely trying to take the fanservice route.

They didn’t even show why the “kiss” was broken up…meaning they were doing it to make potential girl-on-girl look hot. Just great.

*Aoi touches Tomozaki’s butt* - Dude, that’s groping…

I didn’t think we’d get the story on Aoi’s “hexactly” so soon.

…well, that episode just made me feel mildly bitter. I’m dropping it here.

Praeter 1

…aw s***. Only a few seconds in and this looks like a terrible game…

It’s like someone barfed paint across Durarara…

The only time the background buildings look any good are when there’s a fight scene…

These Seals (or whatever those designs are called) seem to act like mini shields. Update: They’re called tattoos.

That transition was a bit fast for my liking…

Seems like the series is mildly peppered with Greek terms.

“To Infinity and Beyond” by…some author I can’t really read the name of.

Suddenly, they throw in more characters…?

Where does Eiji keep those bullet cases of his…? In his jacket?

Having a guy die in the 1st episode is cheap. I mean, we don’t quite care for him yet – it’s too early in the anime for that.

Now there’s Norse terms on top of the Greek ones…

Even more characters? You kidding me?

Lemme guess, Eiji gave up his tattoo because Yamato inspired him and now he’s a goner.

Welp, the weight of the world is in your hands, Yamato. Including that dead dude on your back. (<- sarcastic)

Sk8 1

I’ve been hearing good things about this anime! Let’s go! (<- about a week late to the debut)

That politician is probably relevant…probably someone’s dad, if HypMic taught me anything.

LOL, a beef. They call this stuff “beef”? Where’s the chicken? (<- joke from HypMic)

Haemanthus…apparently a flowering plant from S. Africa.

That’s rare, you don’t see Canadians in anime all that much. I was just thinking as I came home from volunteering how you know British people all have fancy names like William and Australians are Johnno, Danno etc., but Canadians? No clue. Update: Apparently you’d call one Arnold or something just as generic…?

Why are all foreigners in anime half-Japanese with the mother being the Japanese side, anyway?...Because people can make their character speak Japanese while looking foreign. Right. Moving right along.

Ahh…I understand your plight all too well, Reki.

…Hmm. It seems Reki’s surname is written kiya, but read “Kyan”. His name literally translates to “history (calendar/age) of bravery (military might)” Update: Turns out his surname is 3 characters (read “kiyan”, although I’ve never seen that final character ever being read as “n”) and his first name is one, so his first name is just “history (calendar/age)”.

Even I suck at balancing on bikes and stuff (…yeah, I still can’t ride a bike even though I’ve done so many other things in my life) and I know you have to support yourself with one foot on the ground before you do things like trick flips. I may not have observed Tony Hawk all that much, but he was on the periphery of my knowledge.

“What’s your hourly wage?” – Ouch, I feel ya, Langa.

Koko ni netete actually means “Lie down here”, but…okay.

These eyecatches are cute.

That’s a cute fox.

Yikes! 60 mph = approx. 97 km/h!!!

Random umeboshi, LOL.

Aghhhhhhhhhhh! Cherry Blossom’s so pretty~! I love him already!

Thank you, based Bones!

Something that can be enjoyed, even without sound: this is why I enjoy both action and comedy anime!

Okinawa? We’re in Okinawa?

Well, that was cool! I didn’t even ask where the location was until the end. Update: Why is this anime sometimes called Sk8 the Infinity anyway…?

Horimiya 1

Horimiya…I’ve been aware of this series for a while. There’s even a Chinese volume of it at a library close to me, although due to contact tracing I haven’t bothered to check it out.

Oh, I bet Hori is the otaku!

Ooh, Marketing Script!

Because I’ve been behind on the premieres, I’ve seen enough to know this boy with the chain is Miyamura.

…argh! Miyamura is cute! Y’all were right!!! (<- likes blushing bois)

I bet there’s going to be an emergency meeting!

“Sorry, it’s egg time!” – Oh, I’m laughing so hard! So that’s the context behind the Wonder Egg Priority meme!

“…see these?!” – Well, it’s not like you have a tattoo or some-*Miyamura shows his tattoos* Never mind…

Oh, I just realised they even animate the minute movements of the eyes Miyamura does…cool.

Notice how Miyamura is blocked from the other guy due to the window.

Miyamura goes “Ishikawa-kun” but “Hori-san”…hmm. No wonder he’s letting Ishikawa get Hori.

The problem I find with romance series is that they’re generally tied to heteronormativity. Hori is coded with red silhouettes and Miyamura with blue…*sigh* Whatever happened to gender ambiguity?

Good heavens, what is up with this ED?! It looks like Pocoyo! (…Does anyone else know that cartoon…?) Aside from that quibble, this anime is great though.

Mushoku Tensei 1

Apparently this is the grandad of all isekai. Why it took so long for an anime of this…who knows?

…and of course this guy’s a loser virgin. Go figure.

*sighhhhhhhhh* He’s just ogling this woman’s boobs…

…oh, sorry. I was so distracted by the man candy, I didn’t care about Rudy.

I-It’s actually quite refreshing to not have an OP protagonist from the get-go for once. (Or maybe I’ve developed such a disdain for isekai since SAO rolled around that everything here suddenly feels fresh.)

You can see the birthplace of isekai without having watched any of the others right here, it looks like.

“…what’s the point of incantations?” – To make it easier for you to cast spells, I gue-spoke too soon.

…wow, they shamelessly showed off Rudy’s privates. I know he’s still young at this stage, but that reminds me of how I dropped Dragon Ball around the time Goku was shown the same way (which is…very early on, by my own admission).

I believe, based on the name of the spinoff I see in the 7 Seas emails, the magic tutor is called Roxy.

You’re thinking about marriage?! At your (reincarnated) age?!

Oh no! The tree again!

LOL, Rudy’s acting like a kid who’s been in COVID lockdown for a while.

I think what most of the isekai that spun off from here missed is that the loser is job age. Losers at life at job age are relatable and high school geniuses are relatable (albeit sometimes insufferable), but losers who become NEETs for no reason whatsoever and then get banged up by Truck-kun are not.

Anyways, this was good, but a risky kind of good, since it seems like this male gaze will continue to be around as Rudy gets older.

Update: Dropped after learning Rudy was a paedophile in his past life.

Update 2: Apparently the anime toned down this paedophilic tendency of Rudy’s, so...now the verdict is that I move on while I let other people tell me if this is true of the anime or not.

Kemono Jihen 1

“Kemono Jihen” means something like “creature incidents”. I wonder why Funimation didn’t change the name…?

Kabane means “summer wing”.

Kanoko Villa, I’d assume, is named after the deer (the name means “deer’s child”).

My experience with Sho Aimoto (creator of this manga) is reading a bit of Hokenshitsu no Shinigami. (That, by the way, reminds me of Nube, but it’s nothing spectacular.) However, Hokenshitsu no Shinigami has a very detailed artstyle…That’s why I’m pretty shocked Kemono Jihen has such a scratchy one…

Ooh, edamame!

Oh, I see…this is like Furuba or a werewolf story, huh? Rather than a Natsume Yuujincho sort of thing.

…I thought Inugami and Dorotabo had seen everything of each other because of bathing together…I guess not, then.

…is Yataro going to die?

It seems the “immortal demons” are oni, so…why subtitle them as “immortal demons” and not just “demons”?

Ohhhhhhhh…this shite’s good. It seems to have a throwback feeling to it, moreso than even Yashahime or a lot of the sequels I’ve seen recently.

Cells at Work!! 2

I was going to move right along to Wonder Egg Priority because I’m really behind on the debuts right now, but I accidentally opened this up while I was cleaning up so I might as well watch another episode or two before setting it aside.

He’s dead, Jim. (<-joking)

…gosh, these walls look like Hover all over again and that’s from 1995…

LOL, these background cells don’t even have any details. They’re basically stick figures with fat bodies…

I think that phrase that appeared, “Take good care of B Cell!”, may be a pun on Give My Regards to Black Jack (written with similar Japanese, “B Cell wo Yoroshiku!” vs. “Black Jack ni Yoroshiku!”).

LOL, “you sure have the guts”…while they’re in the guts.

The certificate says something about it being presented to someone in the face of bravery, I think (<- just looked at it briefly).

“You have a good head on your shoulders,” says the T cell as WBC struggles with the disguise…stuck on his head.

Wonder Egg Priority 1

I’ve been hearing this series is surreal, but no more surreal than Flip Flappers. So…I don’t know if I’ll like it or not.

What’s this K?(?96…?

There’s a sunflower on her raincoat…so that’s why I saw a post called “You’re the sunflower”. Personally, that just reminds me of Post Malone.

Those Seeno Evils…they’re CGI, aren’t they?

As Boueibu once said (but I may be paraphrasing here), “nothing is more scary than free”.

…to be honest with you, I haven’t had a best friend for at least 2 years now. I only really feel close to people who are like me and who I have sustained contact with over many years, so I end up cutting contact with people after we part ways and never trying to fix it.

I always find it slightly absurd when anime girls get a little pudgy and go, “I’m so fat!” (See, for instance, the Dumbbell series.) Or, in this case, Ai’s going, “I’m so ugly!” when there’s nothing wrong with her. She’s only a bit different from everyone else due to her heterochromia - she doesn't have any physical or mental difficulties.

IChu 1

Here for Ume and, of course, dem bois. Bring it!

I seem to remember one of the magazines called an “Ichu” “an idol egg” (i.e. a fledgling idol)…More egg puns for me, then.

I found him! Ume! He’s Akira Mitsurugi! Update: Turns out that’s Toshiyuki Toyonaga…Oops. (Ume is actually Lucas from I*B.)

Huh? For a second, I imagined Akira with a dubbed voice. Of course, I could only be dreaming, because idol anime normally don’t get dubs, but…it was interesting to think about.

LOL, “Onsta”.

This Akio-type character is popular lately. The sort who’s timid but has an outstanding talent they themselves might not see.

…uh, but Kocho means “Principal”…?

An idol bear?!

Torahiko is crazy…(Note the tigers. Tora = tiger.)

Specifically, that’s black coffee with no sugar.

As much as I want to keep watching this, I’ll hit pause on it here. There’s much better offerings this season.

YuruCamp s2 1

…grandpa’s writing is so…neat.

*glares at CGI car…*

This OP just doesn’t compare to Shiny Days, y’know…?

OOPArts.

Talking pine cones! They’re back!

Curry rice! Literally had some of the Japanese-style stuff the other day. It was great.

All this talk about jobs…I personally don’t like jobs because I like to work at my own pace (hence one reason why I’m working on being a translator), but…money…I’m jealous, girls.

I’m trying not to rely on the subs for those texts that appear on the screen so that I can keep my reading skills up…I kept up with them for the most part…but then I got distracted by the croquette sign at one point…

“…buy you some local food?” – That’s omiyage, normally translated “souvenirs”. “Local food” actually does make more sense in that gap, though.

…man, I’m jealous that the girls all got jobs suitable for their personalities and everything. Lil’ ol’ antisocial me sucks at retail, even after 2 years.

Design-bu 1

LOL, that man and his bunny. Update: That’s Unabara-san.

…geez, these utaite are everywhere now. I’ve seen 96neko, USSS, Eve and more being more central to anime song creation…

Thise characters in the OP seal (<-the stamp, not the animal) are saiyou, meaning “recruited”, or in this case, “accepted”.

OEM = original equipment manufacturer.

Hrm…you can tell it’s a giraffe by description, but…that “base everything on the horse” is interesting as you could count several things as horse derivatives. Also, the angels’ names are all standard Japanese names with natural components to them (Ueda = upright rice field, Shimoda = frost rice field etc).

Is this pink-themed guy…a guy? Or a crossdresser? Update: That’s Kanamori-san.

I like how the suits have little wing-like flaps. Also the wings on Shimoda’s back.

…I never thought an anime episode would make me so concerned about giraffes.

That guy in the green I remember from the Wave x Tendebu (Heaven’s Design Team) collab, his name is Kimura.

Oh, so there is a bird like that!

The random wiggling the chibis do in these short segments…it’s a bit disorienting. (<-Just a small quibble of mine.)

Oh! Galapagos effect!

Agonistic: “polemical; combative.” I thought they meant “antagonistic”.

Oh man, that punch line was great! It took me a while to get into the spirit of it, but this anime is great!

Update: Oh, that’s where those nature names come from! They’re actually meant to be gods! (Or…named after gods…?) Also, Ueda vs. Shimoda (the “shimo” could be the kanji for “below”).

Ex-Arm 1

I’ve heard this anime looks bad…even well before its debut. How bad? Let’s find out.

*stifles laughter* From the first pan, I know this anime is doomed on my list. Even Praeter was better than this!

*stifles laughter again* This OP really does look as bad as the stuff I was seeing prior to winter 2021! Like a game I shouldn’t take out of my archives! (It’s not as bad as Hover’s graphics, but still…that’s from 1995. Cut it some slack.)

That’s the 2nd Kimura this season…

Yugg is just…ugly. Never try to render elaborate eyelashes in CGI again, people.

Dimension High School was better than this because at least that had puzzles. This is even jankier than that!

Wait, why is Akira 3D when his dad is 2D? It’s not that obvious, but I notice these things. Update: That’s not his dad…but close enough. (That’s his brother.)

…and here comes Truck-kun! (LOL)

This would be good…if it weren’t rendered in the jankiest CGI known to man…

Alma’s gun strike doesn’t have a lot of force to it.

The fire is rendered so terribly…*stifles laughter*

This part with a disembodied Akira is what I assume I got up at 6 am for…but I can’t hear it, due to background noise. Remind me to confirm this later. (Minami’s mouth is rendered so terribly…augh.)

No force to any of these recent motions, either.

LOL, this censorship.

Wave 1

Ever since this project was announced, I’ve been watching developments unfold on Anime News Network. I knew it would get an anime or something similar I could follow…and now here I am. I mentioned in the Sk8 comments I have basically zero knowledge of surfing, so…this is very unexpected, in one sense.

Was that a drone…?

“Wizard of the Waifu Board”?! Are you kidding me?! (LOL)

There seem to be shots where I can see the CGI here, but…anything’s better than Ex-Arm. Let’s say that.

Actually…yappe is a derivative of yabai, meaning “cool” or “crap” (in an ironic sense). So it would probably be better to translate it as “Surfing’s the greatest!” or “Surfing’s the coolest!” Anyways, what I was thinking before I was going to say this was that the waves are so enticingly animated, it feels like a summer anime. Basically the only other anime I’ve ever said that for is Grand Blue.

If I’m understanding where Isokichi’s name comes from right, “iso” is the character for seashore or a rocky beach (磯).

LOL, the teacher just wrote “Show must go on.”

Hayama, Kanagawa. Kanagawa’s capital is Yokohama, so it’s not quite Tokyo, but somewhat close.

“Murphy”? I have zero clue what that means.

Oh, I see. The title is translated that way due to context. Now that I can accept.

I just burst out into laughter when I realised Nalu hasn’t dropped or put down his ukulele once.

BSD Wan! 1

Here comes my past to haunt me…aside from me being a fan of BSD, I’m here because I influenced this series. How so? Once upon a time in the now-distant year of 2016, I was a scanlator for a brief period. Most of the work I’ve done hasn’t influenced the world at large, but this is the most influential manga I had a hand in working on.

Oh no! They’re starting with the dog AU?! (That comes from pretty far into the manga, IIRC. Further than my work was on it, at least.)

It’s Rashomon, but Rashoken (that last bit means “dog”). Hence Ruffshomon.

Basically, they just insert dog-related words everywhere…don’t make me explain every one!

Ouch, I can only imagine how much pain it was to translate Inu Shikkaku. Literally, it’s “No Longer a Dog”, but how would anyone make it in line with the other puns…?

I wasn’t fully aware of how the dog AU was connected to the main Wan series because I haven’t really looked at it after I quit due to aggregators, but…that was a nice fakeout. Also, I was concerned as to whether this was going to be a full-length ep or a short…seems like it’s a 10 minute short, so I have more chances of taking it.

…oh gosh, that pose! I remember it! I worked on this one! (Now that I know it’s a TV short, I won’t cover future episodes, but I want to at least finish this one because I started it.)

I think they added a bit there. I remember Kunikida’s and Yosano’s were in the manga, but not the other members or Fukuzawa going “the wind is smiling” + Kenji working on the roof at the start.

Oh yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh, I remember Rampo. I think I had to approximate how he would say stuff with Pocky in his mouth, but Slug (current scanlator) went the extra mile and stuck food in his mouth to do the same panel.

It seems to make a short ep., they strung a bunch of the chapters together. Also, I don’t think we ever found out what Yosano’s puddle was and that was…probably for the better.

Oh yeah…I think I remember this one.

Now I remember it! I remember having fun explaining what a youkan was.

Whoa, Higuchi scrapped the SFX! That wasn’t in the original…

The ED seems to be an Atsushi cover of Namae wo Yobu yo.

Oh noooooooooooo! The flower gazing episode! That’s the one I remember most, because I was trying to figure out how to translate 移動 while making it smooth-sounding English…(I remember the final result was something like, “Move! Move~!”

Dr Stone: Stone Wars 1

Final debut! Let’s go~!

The last time this series was on the air was about 1 year ago. I can remember that far back…

I like how that recap is framed as Gen talking to the kids.

Senku overcomes every problem with science.

…not much to comment on here.

[voldemorthatesnose96]

COLORS IN SILENCE

As an only child of one of the most famous painter in the world, Sander Driesen is also expected to be as big as his father. But life takes turn when he sees a Deaf florist boy whose silence could speak a thousand of meanings.

Disclaimer : if there’s any mistake or misintepretation of my Deaf character, PLEASE feel free to dm me to correct it❤️it means a lot to me. Thank you!❤️

Prelude

“You know exactly what to do, right?”

I want to scream “NO!” to his face but I can’t. It’s always the same question for every single time I want to create something on the blank canvas. WHY does he have to think that I always know what to do, when in fact I don’t?! Unknowingly, I grip my pencil too hard.

“Sander?”

“Yes, Dad. I know.” I say with gritted teeth and start to sketch.

My hand always slightly trembles whenever it touches the paper—scared and doubtful. But unfortunately my Dad and many people think that it’s my ‘signature’ move.

What the fuck is that, actually? Are they blind, oblivious or simply stupid?

At first, I’m not sure whether to sketch a silhoutte or a bouquet of flowers but then I remember the dream I had last night about an abandoned castle and the dancing trees which surrounds its ground; of course it’s weird but somehow I feel so entertain when I wake up and that even bring a tiny smile to my face; which is a very rare thing to happen for these past 4 years. So yeah, I’m going to sketch my dream instead.

“Sander, focus!”

“I’m already focused.”

Dad shakes his head, “you curved this line too hard,” he points to the twigs. ”Fix it.”

Trying hard not to roll my eyes at him, I do what I’m told. I’ve never been the kind of person who could remember the tiniest bit of their dream but weirdly enough, I can recall almost everything that happened last night. How I suddenly walked in this forest which grass were humming melodiously everytime I stepped on it, the wind was breezy and peaceful and the abandoned castle was not as scary as it sound. In fact, the interior was still as good as new but the hallway was the most attractive of all—it filled with many beautiful and famous paintings all around the world from van Gogh to Frida Kahlo. All I can think of is magical.

If only my life is just the same.

For almost 7 years now, I create something that hopefully could transport people’s imagination to somewhere else, almost like escapism from their own cages. Wish they could expand their views just by looking at my arts. Sadly, this little world—little happy bubble I create for another humans, I can’t even go there, not anymore. Day by day, I feel like a robot. Sure as hell my Dad isn’t the right person for me to talk to about my worries and stuff—he won’t understand, he doesn’t want to understand. He’s a famous oil-painter and his arts are frequently exhibited in the most popular art galleries in the world. He was taking a break for 2 years when Mum died; I was 3 that time. Funny, I never feel sad whenever I think of her. For me, she’s just a distant memory that I could never grasp.

“Stop.”

My Dad’s voice startles me and my hand stops instantly.

“What now?” I genuinely ask.

“I think you should take a rest.”

Okay. This is weird.

“But I’m not tired.”

My Dad sighs. His brows furrows, “just do it, son. You can continue later. For now, rest.” And without saying another word, he walks out from the room and closes the door behind him while I just stand there.

I have no fucking idea why he suddenly acts like that. This is the first time since many years ago and I can’t help but feeling curious. Dad is never a warm person around me. All he cares about is to carve me to be someone just like him, to be the perfect artist, to be... everything he were and I used to be so supportive of his ideas, without questioning a single thing; like a good son should be. It all changed though.

For almost 3 years now, I constantly feel hollow and unsatisfy about my arts. Whatever I do to make it right, whenever I try to fix it, these feelings are still there; lingering, waiting for me to collapse at last. Know what? I almost relent. For whatever reason.

If I believe in miracle, maybe this is how it works because I’m still here and doing what I’m supposed to do. But right now, Dad’s right. I need a rest. Maybe even some sleep.

Our art room have a tiny bed in the corner and I sleep there more often that I did in my own room. I used to locked myself in this room for hours just to finish the new art I’m making and Dad never asked if I’m okay or not. Maybe it’s normal for him. The way artist should behave, I guess.

I plop myself on the bed while staring at the white ceiling, waiting for the sleep to take me away. It doesn’t take long for me to finally give in and once again, for so many nights, my heart screams “help...”

————————

School isn’t that hard today. In fact, I enjoy what I learnt. Cubism isn’t my favorite style because it’s too... rigid? I don’t know how to describe it. But the new professor was very clear and creative about it and she made me not wanted to get out of the class and eat in the cafetaria instead. The class dismiss before I know it. Wow. That’s fast.

“Yo, Sandy!”

Without looking I already know who that is because there’s only one person in this world that would call me with the name SANDY and that is Hugo Mulligan; my only friend in the entire school since the day we met as the Freshmen.

“Not in the mood, Mulligan,” I mutter under my breath as I pack stuffs in my red duffel bag. “go away!”

He scoffs, “you’re no fun.”

“And since when Sander Driesen is a fun person to be with?” I retort.

“For once in my life, I agree with you.”

I roll my eyes and he laughs.

“Actually I want to ask you a favour. If you’re not busy today.”

“No. What’s that?”

“I need to go to the bakery and the flower shop.”

“What for?”

Hugo sighs, “today is Violet’s birthday. I told you many times before.”

Oh yeah. His girlfriend’s birthday. An exchanged student from Boston a year ago. Since Hugo met her, he literally never stops talking about how cute and pretty she is—the perfect girl for his dark world, he said, which I thought is bullshit because Hugo’s world is far from dark. I know because I met his family couple times and they’re all lovely, caring and hilarious. Dad as a lawyer, Mum as a chef and two incredibly beautiful male twins who’s not yet 3 years old—Hugo loves them all and it’s clearly seen. So yeah, no ‘dark’ for him at all.

“Earth to Driesen!”

I blink, “yeah, sure. I’ll come.”

“Your Dad is okay with it?”

“He’s in Florence and won’t be back until two days later. It’s fine.”

Hugo claps his hands like a little kid who just got a flashy new toy. A bit overreacted but I never really mind about it. Being friends with someone like him is tiring at some point because his energy seems to never put out but I gradually getting use to it.

“Cool! I’ll drive!”

I never really like to drive my own car. Dad often insists me to use it instead of taking a bus everyday to school and I tell him many times that I don’t want to; probably the only thing that I still hold on against my Dad and I have no regrets, at all.

When me and Hugo finally on the road, he talks about the dinner plan he’s been working on for this past week and my dumbass brain can’t think of anything so I just nod and say “that’s great” as a response. I’m glad he’s too happy about Violet to notices my reaction.

“.... I think it’ll be the perfect opportunity to ask her on a mini getaway for 2 weeks. What do you think?”

“Perfect.”

“I was thinking about Santorini or Lake Como. Which one do you think is more suitable for her?”

I nearly scoff but hold myself back, “you can take her to Sahara desert and she’s still gonna love you.”

Hugo smiles at my witty remarks, “guess you’re right.” And then he starts to sing loudly to The Weeknd.

We arrive at the bakery not long after. I remember this place is kinda new because it used to be an Italian restaurant. Strange how small detail could take space in your memory, even for an useless information like this.

Though I have to admit that their decoration and cakes are visually pleasing. I even intrigue to try their paris-brest.

“Take whatever you want, Sandy. It’s on me.” Hugo said as he waits in the queue and even gives a smirk when he catches me almost drooling.

“I’ll just take that paris-brest.”

“How many?”

“Two.”

Hugo nods, “sure. Take a seat and wait for me, would you? I won’t be long.”

But of course there isn’t any empty seat left because this place is full. So I go outside and wait there, a bit annoyed that I didn’t bring cigarette with me today.

I watch people passing by and mentally sketching their silhouttes to kill some time but the more I try to make it vivid, the more blur it is in my mind—so I give up. My hands trembles for an unknown reason but obviously not because of the spring breeze.

“I’m done. Let’s go!”

I follow Hugo back to his car and luckily my hands are alright now. The last thing I want Hugo to see was the tremble. I don’t want him to look at me weirdly or worse, concerned.

“Here’s your cake, Sandy.”

If I’m in the mood, I’ll smack his head with my bag for calling me that but today I have no energy.

“Thanks. Gonna eat these at home.”

“You can gobble ‘em up here if you want. I don’t mind.”

I smile, “I’ll save these guys for tonight. Best thing always come late.”

“If you say so,” then Hugo looks at his watch and mutters. “Shit.”

“What?”

“I completely forgot that the flower shop will closed in 20 minutes! God, I’m so dumb!”

“Is it still far away?”

“About 10 minutes but not with THIS traffic.”

I examine the road and realise that there’s a car crash. The ambulance already there and one of the car is wrecked almost thoroughly. I hope there are no children involved. What a terrifying sight to see.

“Stop looking, Sander,” Hugo says, his tone is always serious whenever he calls me by my real name. “It’s no good.”

“I just hope they’re alright.”

Hugo doesn’t say anything but his hands on the wheel go rigid. I notice that immediately but doesn’t say anything. For more than 2 years we’ve been friends, this is the first time I witness him being like this.

“They’ll be alright. They have to.” His voice sounds icy cold but worries at the same time.

His sudden remark startles me, “I hope so too.”

After that, none of us talk to each other until his car stop near the flower shop. I think there’s nothing special or extravagant about this place, considering how Hugo loves being surrounded by something over the top sometimes. Well, maybe he does have layers that I don’t know yet—especially after what happened earlier.

“You stay?”

“I’ll go with you.”

Because it’s boring to wait alone again rather than curious of what’s inside, to be honest.

“I’m lucky the shop isn’t closed yet,” Hugo says with a shaky breath. “Violet would be pleased, right?”

I smile genuinely, “Don’t put too much pressure on yourself, pal. Relax. She’ll love you no matter what.”

He gives me a nervous smile as a response.

When I enter the shop, I’m not surprised how simple but clean this place is. Lots of different scent from each flowers catches my nose almost instantly, all at once and I can’t help but sneezes twice.

“Excuse me.” I say while wiping my mouth with a handkerchief.

“Robbie, my man!”

Hugo half-shouting voice make me jump and I follow his gaze; it’s the shop clerk, a guy around my age with unruly brown hair and a pair of eyes like Bambi, wears a green sweatshirt which a little too big for him.

“Cute.”

Shit.

Did I just say ‘cute’ that loud?

“Huh? What did you say?”

“Cute,” I say a little too quickly. “The flowers. They’re cute.”

I force myself to past a glance to that brown-haired guy and he seems doesn’t catch what I just said about him. Thank God. Even though Hugo still looks at me with bemused expression. He’s the first person who knows that I’m a Pansexual and probably the only person in this world—and I’m not definitely not gonna come out to Dad anytime soon. There’s no use.

“Can we hurry? I’m hungry.” I try to change the subject.

It works. Hugo turns his head again to the cute guy and made some gestures I don’t understand.

Wait...

Gestures?

Can it be... that guy...

“Robbie,” he mouths while doing all he can to communicates using sign languages. “My flowers for Violet, please.”

The guy named Robbie smile and nod then later went to the back to get Hugo’s order.

“Hugo, does he...”

“Deaf. Yes.”

“Robbie. That’s his real name?”

“No, it’s Robbe but I call him Robbie just like I love to call you Sandy.”

I roll my eyes to my brain, “fuck you, man. You can’t just changed someone else’s name.”

Hugo gives me a smirk, “I just did, Sandy.”

Before I can say anything, Robbe comes back with HUGE bouquet which consists with any kind of red flowers from rose to tulip. I almost sneeze again but successfully hold myself back.

“Don’t you dare sneeze on my precious bouquet, Driesen!”

“I wasn’t.” I retort but give him my most smug face.

“You’re funny.”

“Sorry?”

“Robbie said you’re funny.”

I look at Robbe and there’s a smile appeared on his face—deadass looking at me in the eyes too. Seems like this guy is very straight-forward and unapologetic.

“Uh... thanks, I guess?”

Robbe shrugs but still smiling. Then he writes something on a piece of paper and gives it to me : “would you like some flowers too? It’s on me.”

I look up, perplex and say, “why?”

He writes again : “because I think you need one :)”

This is interesting.

“Well, okay then. Thank you. What will you give to me?”

Why do I sound more flirty than curious? For God’s sake, he’s a stranger! STRANGER! And I dare to sound like THAT? The fuck is wrong with me?

Hugo snorts beside me. He’s clearly been enjoying himself. But again, I also laughed too hard when he told me the story about him been slipping and falling in front of everybody at his family’s business private party; so yeah, I guess I deserve that snort.

Robbe comes back from the back of the room holding a simple bouquet; there were two Eglantines, one Iris and three Larkspurs. I didn’t speak flowers so I’m not sure why he gives me those but when he hands it to me, I accept it wholeheartedly and say thank you. Robbe smiles and makes some sign that I’m sure it’s meant for “you’re welcome”.

My ears catch a girl’s voice entering the shop. She’s also around my age; with blue eyes, auburn hair and very pretty. Her eyes twinkled like the sun is shining on them.

“Afternoon, everybody,” she says cheerfully and then walks toward Robbe and pecks his lips. “Hey babe! Glad you made new friends.”

Ouch!

So he’s already have a girlfriend and that realisation stings me a little. And I DARED to ‘flirt’ with her boyfriend earlier!

But of course he is. I shouldn’t be surprised. Beside, they looks nice together.

Hugo nudges my arm, “you ready to go?”

I nod and and without saying another word again, I force myself to get out from there. Damn. I should say something to Robbe but I just can’t.

“You okay?”

“Fine. Can we go home now? I’m tired.”

“Sure.”

Ever since I broke up with my ex around a year ago because she cheated, my heart always told me not to trust any kind of affection towards other people. I keep questioning myself what did I do wrong, about her and about us—and whenever I ask her about that, she says “it’s not you, it’s ME. I’m sorry. So sorry, Sander!” . But it only took a month for me to forgave her and know what? We’re friends now, even though she moves to another city with her new boyfriend. Sometimes life can be very strange. I thought she’s unforgivable but seem like I can’t hold grudges for too long—Hugo told me that it’s a bad thing but... I don’t know, part of me doesn’t agree with him for an unknown reason.

“He meant well, you know?”

My thoughts bursts like a bubble, “what?”

“Robbe,” Hugo mutters. “With those flowers.”

I look at my new given bouquet, “you know the meaning of these guys?”

“Well, I coincidentally understand the meaning of those,” Hugo says. “You see, my Mum often bring back Iris home to tell the whole house that good news is coming, Larkspur is my Dad’s favorite because it meant “lightness” and you’re gonna find a vase full of them in his study and the last one which is Eglantine is literally speaks for “I wound to heal” , it was my Grandma’s favorite because it reminded her of her childhood home. And that’s that.”

Now I understand why Robbe ‘said’ that I need some of his flowers but the most surprising part was he seems to understand what I feel just by a single glance.

But it can’t be, can it? It can be just a coincidence that he picks those flowers for me. Maybe they’re the most best-seller kinds there and he thought I might like them too.

And I do. I really, really do.

[nejisrightkneecap]

KRBK FIC REC MASTERLIST

I have compiled a massive Kiribaku fic list, please indulge. - the laundry room ; dellsey

It’s a really cute quick fic about special moments Kirishima and Bakugou are able to share while they wait for their laundry to finishes :) - The Beauty of a Beast ; starofjems

A Beauty and the Beast AU!!! It’s a longer fic, but 100% worth the read. The author is SO good at portraying the characters personalities.

- Heart Strings ; starofjems

This one is also by starofjems!! Although it is a lot shorter, it is still AMAZING. Bakugou is able to see a red string that connects soul mates together and eventually Kirishima stumbles by. - Spooky times & cuddles ; Jartz

A VERY cute short fic about Kirishima going over to Bakugou’s house for halloween! It’s good to read any season though. - Who’s Next? ; MyBlackCrimsonRose

Bakugou gets hella hurt during a fight and Kirishima is a BADASS in getting revenge. This one is also a quick read and I highly suggest it!! - the easy parts ; chonideno 

Kirishima gets hurt and is informed that there will be a lot of scarring. It’s follows him through his struggle of insecurity regarding the scars and his acceptance. - it’s pouring out here ; shizuumi151

Kirishima is on a basketball team with Bakugou and he is the team captain. Kirishima has a crush on him and they have a little run in after getting caught in the rain. - 2am Knows All Secrets ; Unbreakable_red_riot

OH MY GOSH THIS FIC!! I really love the concept of Bakugou having nightmares about Kamino and the author does an amazing job at showing his difficulties with them. Kirishima keeps waking up to loud noises from Bakugou’s room and goes to scope it out; resulting in a few sleepovers... -  Shitty Hair and Shitty Nightmares; honest_pebble

(I have so many nightmare fics oops!) Bakugou is struggling with nightmares and Kirishima is a good friend and helps while Bakugou figures himself and his feelings out.

- a heart swelled to bursting ; eggstasy

This fic literally stole my heart and has to be one of my favorites. It’s the next summer and they are back at the training camps, but Bakugou has been repressing some worries. It’s a very Bakugou centric story, following him dealing with PTSD with help from other characters. - Let Me Save You ; lovelylittlefruit

A short story showing the after effects of a battle where Kirishima saved Bakugou. This is more angst/conflict than fluff but I do still recommend it!! - safe & sound ; Authoress 

This one made my heart SO happy and soft jeez ahaha. Bakugou has to be kept in a safe house after Kamino because of more threats and Kirishima is his comfort buddy. - not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all ; theroyalsavage 

AAAA!!! It’s a “10 Things I Hate About You” AU and its REALLY good even if you haven’t seen the movie. Very sweet and the character personalities are done really well. - heart stains on the carpet ; cityboys 

THIS STOLE ALL MY UWU’S AND MORE! Kirishima is Bakugou’s live in body guard who got a little closer to him than he had planned. Very cute and has some of the best dialogue I’ve read in a fic. Definitely goes with my favorites. - how they got detention for a week ; eggstasy

Kirishima is determined to go out with Bakugou no matter how intimidating that may seem. Kaminari tries to stop him but it’s no use. I really enjoyed reading this and I loved how the authors incorporated the Bakuquad!! - How To Make Bakugou Katsuki a Decent Human Being ; keptein 

Kirishima is set on making Bakugou a nicer guy no matter what it takes. (Even if that means pulling a Pavlov on him) but along the way he catches feelings. - ten things i learnt about you ; tamacchannn 

A very soft fic about Bakugou realizing things that he likes about Kirishima. Made me gush quite a few times. - don’t count on me to tell you when ; newamsterdam // 

GOD I LOVE THIS ONE TOO. It’s set in the future when they are pro-heros. Kirishima come back to see Bakugou and confess his feelings, but they end up just being friends with benefits for awhile. Very well written - do right by you ; kyoutimes

Kirishima and Bakugou are working together and Kirishima has a crisis about his sexuality. (There’s more to it than that but I don’t wanna spoil it :P) I loved the emotion in this AAAA - yes, you say you’d like to ; Authoress 

Kirishima invites a few friends to the beach, which eventually lead to THE WHOLE CLASS joining. He didn’t want to invite Bakugou, strictly because he didn’t want to get turned on at at the beach. - Kiss your knuckles before you punch me ; Claus_Lucas 

Bakugou saves Kirishima who is a boxer by lighting some of his own fireworks. I don’t know how much I can give away without spoiling it, but this is on my top three. While proud of Kirishima, Bakugou needs to remind him of his limits regarding his boxing career. - what he thinks he knows ; lovelylittlefruit 

Mainly Bakugou sided? It follows Bakugou as he realizes that there more to the assumptions he makes about his crush, Kirishima. It’s unfinished but I’m excited to see the rest soon!! - good to you ; Authoress

Takes place directly after Kamino. The two boys refuse to stop holding hands which leads to other conclusions. I love this sm, I had very soft moments and there’s a cute little twist that I LOVED at the end. - An obvious patch ; SweetScentences

Shinsou steals Bakugou’s eggs and Kirishima gets stabbed all the while. JK, there’s more to it than that,,, this is one of those fics I feel like it’s best enjoyed if you go in blind. I enjoyed every minute of this fic, laughed and teared up. - But for now, I’m with you; eikoexe 

A really goofy and cute texting fic!! Kirishima accidentally texts Bakugou thinking it’s Kaminari demanding a Dorito stealing confession. It’s still being written but I do love it very much so far. Read if you need a laugh!! (Sadly, it’s been over a year since the last update so I’m not expecting it to continue soon :()

-neon season; chonideno 

I really love this author jeez. It’s a road trip fic and these boys are very frustrated with their feelings toward each other (Mainly Bakugou lolololol) The way emotions are written is amazing and I fell in love with how they portrayed Kirishima and Bakugou. 

-the color red; ayadormouse 

G o d . . . This is like a coffee shop/college AU and it holds a lot of family angst for Bakugou. Bakugou is an artist and Kirishima is persistent in getting know the angry guy that doesn’t know how to order coffee. Heroes and quirks are more of an old myth/history type thing, but there still are mentions of it. 

-downhill; eggstasy 

Kirishima is a mom friend and loves learning small facts about his friends while in the dorms. This has almost every class 1-A character in it which I love because not a lot of authors write about some of the mpre minor roles. They play truth or dare and it gets out of hand.

-Of course I was worried; Ellieb3an

Kirishima gets hurt after his big fight in the manga (so there are spoilers) but he gets confused when Bakugou doesn’t visit him in the hospital and avoids him when he returns to the dorms. Bakugou is just a secret softy who was worried about his mans. I love seeing the softish side of Bakugou aaaa. 

-The Wild Side; Mishelledor23 

Kirishima and Bakugou are married and in Kirishima’s mind, everything is going great. Until, he wakes up one morning to see a letter and Bakugou’s wedding ring. My heart breaks for Kirishima in this one, and I’m so curious as to why Bakugou left. (It’s on going!) Kaminari and Mina are also present and go help Kiri with a mission. 

-Roses are red and they taste like shit; Unbreakable_Red_Riot 

A Bakugou hanahaki disease fic, this is also high on my favorites list. I couldn’t put it down for the life of me. Mutual pining eventually, but it focuses in mainly on Bakugou and his families way of dealing with the disease. 

-little are the things we learn; newamsterdam  

 The two boys never outright tell their class they are dating, but 5 of them figure it out and each one of them is stunned by their relationship. Perfect mix of angst and fluff, told from different characters perspectives as they see and analyze the two. 

- Detonate; theroyalsvage 

Bakugou is acting weird and a little insecure almost at a party he was invited to. Kirishima finds him on the roof and tries to figure the explosive boy out. 

-Trash Goblin Finds Love; wrunic 

Another coffee shop AU with a scientist Bakugou. This one made me giggle and the writing is so in character. I love how it ends and Kirishima is a big cutie in this one. 

-Radio Silence; doop_doop 

After getting hit with a coma quirk, Kirishima is bedridden and can’t move. Although his body is asleep, he can hear everything that is going on. So naturally, his friends visit him as much as possible to keep the guy entertained. But Bakugou realizes there’s something more to his feelings for Kirishima. (this shit is so cute, Bakugou reads to him)

-one to ten; crunchrapsupreme 

Kirishima wants to ask Bakugou out, but Kaminari demands that he becomes friends with him first. So Kirishima sets out to become a ‘Level 10’ friend to Bakugou. (This one is also very cute, Bakugou is a cat lover and it makes me melt.)

-out of sight, within reach; Poteto 

Gahhhh oblivious mutual pining makes me w e a k… Bakugou realizes he loves Kirishima while dragging his drunk body back to his house. Jealousy and miscommunication from both sides until there is an emergency and Bakugou drops his grudge.

-i’m a mess but you’re still here; Dreaming_of_Fairys

Kirishima notices that Bakugou is struggling after failing the licensing exam. And while he wants to be there for his friend, he realizes he has deeper than platonic feelings. Bakugou isn’t very open to receiving help from Kirishima regardless. I like the authors take on how Bakugou’s outlashes are described. This one is unfinished but I’m excited for more!

-It’s Not Living (If It’s Not With You); writingboom

This is one of my favorite 3 fics at the moment. It’s a band AU where Bakugou is captivated by the red-head on stage. His attraction doesn’t stop when he meets him backstage either. There is SO MUCH FLUFF OMG. But also a good amount of angst and tension. All the good stuff. I highly recommend. 

-Undoable Devotion; Haarhus and Honey227

This is a fic that two of my friends are working on! Bakugou lives alone as a hunter but begins to worry when the forrest seems to be lacking resources. Having to venture far out to get food, he stumbles upon the most enhancing red stag he’s ever seen. Even though I’m slightly biased because I know the creators, I absolutely l o v e the plot and writing style. It’s under 20,000 words right now so it’s a good time to start it.

-things soft and precious; gloop

ADORABLE MY GOD. It’s Kirishima and Bakugou falling in love through Mitsuki’s perspective and it fills my heart with so much love AH. Kirishima is a big ol’ dork and Bakugou is still as emotionally stuck as ever. I love the pacing and the different take on perspective. Would read again. 

-quote love unquote; newamsterdam

I’m pretty sure most people have heard of this one if not read it. It’s more or less THE Kiribaku fanfiction right now. I love this author and a few of their works are already in this list but I seriously can’t get enough. Another band AU, but this time with Bakugou as a very famous actor. In meeting at a party, the two boys are getting closer and Bakugou’s sexuality is exposed publicly. Which of course, the only solution entails Kirishima as his new fake boyfriend. This story was always good, but then there were so many extra details and plot twists AH. It’s lengthy, but I was so into it I finished it very fast. 

-Sun Sets Red; Shippeh

OK another one of my top 3 at the moment. Words cannot express my love for this fic lmao, it deserves all the praise it’s been getting. Kirishima winds up being a roommate to Midoriya and that includes Bakugou stopping in. There’s a lot more than what meets the eye regarding Bakugou and Kirishima figures that out very quickly. The bakusquad is strong in this one and there’s lots of angst but plenty of love. I don’t know what it is, but the emotion in the writing is phenomenal and this will be a forever favorite. 

-Infamous; AnotherWordForWeird// 

Bakugou is a hated singer. His brash attitude wasn’t the problem. It was the fact that he had attacked a lady and since then been nothing but a nuisance to the public. He considers taking his life, but hangs on when a certain redhead seems to not be aware of his fame. So, when interacting with Kirishima, he tries to lie and keep his identity of being the infamous “Ground Zero” a secret. But, Kirishima has a secret of his own. He’s internet sensation “Red Riot”, the mysterious new singer without a face to his name. This one is not finished, I am looking forward to see what direction the author takes the story!!

 -Crocs, Fate and REO Speedwagon; Hope_Neufield// 

O H MY GOD. This is the final of my three ATM favorites. This fic in its entirety blew me the fuck away. It trips me out how incredibly smart the author’s writing and planning is. Bakugou is in his twenties and he’s lost every ounce of hope he had in himself. He’s stuck at a job he hates and he lives in solitude with nothing but whiskey for comfort. So, one night, he tries to take his life. The angel Kirishima saves his life and promises him a second chance. TONS of angst LOADS of it. This one is nearly completed and I don’t know if I’m ready to let it go LMAO. I think this is the first fic I’ve re-read because I truly feel like I didn’t appreciate it enough the first time. PLEASE read this one. 

 -The Magic Song; Zacksy

A loose Cinderella AU that follows servant Kirishima. He finds a small pot of some sort of goopey substance. He is the only one able to open the jar, and before he knows, his hair is now red. His friends urge him to visit the banquet as his hair was more at a royal status and he bumps into Prince Katsuki. I read this one super fast because I enjoyed it so much the time just flew by. It’s a good fic for a bad day. 

-avian; chonideno

Bakugou didn’t want to spend his night in a crowded airport with tons of other people. He also didn’t want to spend it snuggled up to some obnoxious clingy stranger. I love chonideno’s writing so much, it’s so lovely and the style literally blossoms my heart. This one is on the shorter side, but I enjoyed every bit of it. 

-blisters; eggstasy

Bakugou has a way of building up his palm endurance. It was introduced by his father and it never faded. This fic is almost a character study in some elements, it puts Bakugou in a way I haven’t really seen. The couple-ly moments are adorable and OMG there’s some lines that just get to me. 

-Three Taps; Mintyboy

There’s something Kirishima can’t understand about a certain affection Bakugou gives. It’s just three small taps. This fic is short but it owns my whole heard GAHHH!!! I have found myself thinking about this piece of writing every so often, it sticks with you. 

-13 Things Best Bros Do Together (+1 Thing They Don’t); WhenJoshIsJoesph

This is “I love you no homo bro; The Fic”. Kirishima and Bakugou are very affectionate towards each other in a way that only happens in a romantic relationship. They seem to be the only ones aware of how strange they are acting, but sooner than later, they do something they know isn’t normal for friends and are forced to admit their true feelings. A cute fic that made me laugh and root for both of the boys. 

-Cause of Death; blueslove

Kirishima and Bakugou have been dating for a bit but they have yet to kiss. This is a short fic about warming up to a new relationship. Adorable, pretty much all fluff. I love it.

-2 A.M; cityboys 

Katsuki goes to work with his mother in rebranding a family restaurant. It’s his first long visit since his big move to Tokyo and he gets picked up from the station by a redhead he has never seen. Through the fic, Bakugou is challenged by his own feelings and overall loneliness. A question he’s asked by Kirishima is, “Do you have a 2 a.m?” GOD THIS FIC MADE ME EMOTIONAL PLEASE READ IT. There’s a really neat plot twist and a good mix of angst and fluff. I fully recommend. 

-Ransom in Red; Shippeh

Another semi-cinderella AU!!! This time, Kirishima sneaks into a party while Bakugou is trying to sneak out. They meet up, and eventually team up to get out of the place after Bakugou figures out Kirishima’s facade. When they do, Bakugou takes Kirishima to one of his favorite parts about being the prince. Their happy moment is soon interrupted and trouble follows them. I ALREADY LOVE THIS AUTHOR AND THE WAY THEY WRITE MY BOYS, But this fic is hella underrated it makes me s a d. Go read!!! 

Ok ngl I got real lazy and for now, I WILL JUST BE LISTING THE FICS WITH NO DESRIPTION LMAO WILL EDIT LATER. 

-Paper Machismo; Legendaerie

-things you said to me when you were scared; dearwormwood

-Fight Me; mr_todoroki

-done with having dreams (the thing that i believe) futurehearts

-Kids; degradedpsychotic

-Doubt; PurplePersnickety

-Soft Touches, Quiet Voices; beebuzz

-help me get out of my head; popcap

-a tenderness you can’t let go; punchmunk

-the world you keep erasing; Slumber

-Crow’s Feet; PotatoJesus

-My Ears Can’t Hear But My Heart Can; puraiuddo

-Take the world back from a heart attack; Claus_Lucas 

-this is getting kinda out of hands (this is getting kinda out of my head); multiclassmaps

-Letting You Lead Me Towards The Deep End; Uglysweater

-by that tree on the peak; shizummi151

-Rosy; mr_todoroki

-Crossfated; rashiisa

-you’ll have to take me down; pickledbrows

-Intertwined; DemiDivinedHero

-Red; mr_todoroki

-the fool’s rush; chonideno

-four feet, two hands; eggstasy

-I’m Curious (what happens when your lips meet mine?); Lulatic

-The Lessons of Flirting; CatoftheShadows

-just want your head on my shoulder; littlelionvanz

-Red Neon; Shippeh

-In the Age of the Social; singingdevil

-but i’ve got an angry heart; newamsterdam 

-Under The Same Stars; Unbreakable_Red_Riot

-Quietly; chezka

-like you’re running out of time, like you need it to survive; Slumber

-towards the light; noahczerns

-like stars burning holes right through the dark; multiclassmaps

-One Available Copy; EverythingandAnything

-Like Knives; All_My_Characters_Are_Dead

-Who do you love?; Canadiantardis

-Interpolation; deplore

-Sweet sixteen; Delitan 

-houdini; chonideno 

-It Will Find You Here; arxaris

-sunchaser; chonideno

-Wandering in the Shade; MomotoneScreaming

[thatmiddle]

Top 10 Albums that Shaped my Existence

How do I put this lightly, I believe listening to music matters as much as breathing. I know that is hyperbolic, but I don’t care. It can fuel your soul in a similar way that air fuels your body to move. It brings to life moments, places, and people. That’s probably why if you listen closely music is everywhere. It’s in the steel drums at Union subway station or the clarinet player at Yonge and Dundas Square. It’s is found from a broken guitar with unclipped strings in Kensington Market to a radio blasting out of an open window. It’s heard from the lake on a cool breezy summer night. It’s made by the leaves in the trees and the creatures roaming its branches. Music is inescapable.

Music is also a lot cheaper than therapy and for most, it is incredibly accessible. In saying that I do not mean to conflate therapy to music, but I do think there is a healing power to songs. This form of artistic expression has been with me during my brightest minutes and my darkest hours. I have relied on it like Aladdin did his magic carpet; it lift me up and took me to places I never thought I’d ever go. All I have to do was turn it on, tune in and drop out, as some would say.

During this pandemic I have leaned heavily into music, it is the perfect socially distanced escape. During this time that I have also gone back to old albums and reflected on how they influenced me and shape who I am today.

In Rainbows - Radiohead

If I had owned this album in an analogue form I would have destroyed it by overplaying it in my Discman. Radiohead is a wonderful band that have made wonderful albums but for some reason, this is the particular one I return to. To me, In Rainbows is the music I heard when I realized that I wanted to take my life in a different more creative direction than that of my peers. In Rainbows is the album I heard on carpool rides to Shakespeare Camp as a young girl. In Rainbows is what played in my head the first time I walked into Kensington Market as a young naive suburban girl. The music is so diverse with its sound but creates a distinctly modern tone. I find the music runs like a stream and cascades into fountains of sound I never expected. All the songs are beautiful but my favourite from the album has always been House of Cards.

Brothers - The Black Keys

If In Rainbows was an early marker of my youth, Brothers by The Black Keys established my teenage self and heavily moulded how I carried myself into my early twenties. With the raunchy guitar, hard drums and vocals somewhere between garage rock and blues, this album stimulated every part of my life. It is one of those albums that upon listening to the first fifteen seconds of the opening track Everlasting Light, I am immediately taken back to driving around in Toronto suburbs and getting into trouble. This album started my ongoing obsession with The Black Keys. Fun fact I named my first Tumblr blog off of a misreading a song lyric in the track The Only One, which also happens to be one of my favourite tracks on the album. I’ve tried to see The Black Keys live twice and both times I was unable to attend the concert. One day I will see them.

Revolver - The Beatles

There are a lot of Beatles albums I love and I wouldn’t say this is my favourite of theirs, but it is I would argue its one of their more underrated albums. From what I have gathered about Beatles fans (having been one since I was six years old), this choice isn’t mutually exclusive. It does however seem that established fans love either Rubber Soul or Revolver. For me, I choose the latter. This album is very experimental for the band as they were still coming out of their admired boy band era. I came to this album as a young girl whenever I played with my toys in the living room of my childhood home. I always heard a Beatles album playing in the background and when Revolver came on I was elated. My toys went on new adventures, met new people and told new stories. The Beatles have always brought out the creativity in me and I’m very grateful for that. Check out the song I’m Only Sleeping, it’s so meditative and my most replayed track.

Man on the Moon: The End of Day - Kid Cudi

I wasn’t in a good place when I was fortunate enough to be introduced to this album as being a teenager can be an incredibly difficult experience. Yet upon hearing this album I was pleasantly surprised, I never expected to find that catharsis in a young American rapper named Kid Cudi. I always liked some rap and hip-hip songs (don’t ever get me started on the importance of Sean Paul), but foolishly enough I never gave a full album or artist the chance. Man on the Moon found me at the right moment. This album’s production is so complex and crosses genres in ways I never expected; it leaves me wanting more every time. Kid Cudi hip-hop is different, Kid Cudi hip-hop goes deep and feels it. While Day ‘N’ Nite is one of the most recognizable songs on the album don’t sleep on Heart of a Lion, it’s beautiful.

For Emma, Forever Ago - Bon Iver

Like many teens in the mid-2000s, I made a Tumblr account. It was a great place filled with hormone-induced rage posts, images of skinny girls ripped from the website We Heart It, and boundless creativity. As a previous webpage creator hailing from the Geocities days, site creation was not new to me. I took up a URL and got to work. During this time I leaned deeper into the ‘indie girl’ aesthetic, which is where I found Bon Iver. Bon Iver’s music is soft and melodic and his guitar strums could whisk you away on a cloud. For Emma, Forever Ago was the soundtrack to the version of me who longed for combat boots, a-line skirts from American Apparel, and a cute hipster boyfriend to take me away from all my problems. I never got everything I wanted, but I was always able to sit in deep thought and listen to this album and for that, I’m incredibly grateful. The Wolves (Act I and II) is one of my favourite tracks off the album, I love the crescendo towards the end of the song it makes me want to release any bad feelings I have through some strong movement.

Is this it - The Strokes

I don’t remember when I first heard this album, I just know it was an unofficial anthem to my early twenties. Was it playing at that frat party? Or maybe it was at the live show in that bar one time. Is This It is the perfect album for starting out in a new place with dreams and about $20 to your name. This album is made for people entering young adulthood making mistakes and living for the moment. Garage rock is such an underrated genre, but perhaps that’s the suburban girl in me speaking. I want to dance every time I hear a track of this perfectly crafted experience. I hear those guitar riffs and I am taken back to running through Toronto at midnight with friends. Is This It is unapologetic and an outstanding debut album for The Strokes and cemented their status as indie rock legends, I don’t care what anyone says. There are a lot of amazing songs to recommend but I will try and spice things up. Last Nite and the title track Is This It are obvious choices but the bop you need to listen to is Someday.

Wish you were here - Pink Floyd

Everyone has to listen to Pink Floyd in university otherwise they never went…right? Pink Floyd always felt like a right of passage that I would eventually reach although I did cheat and wear a Dark Side of The Moon cropped t-shirt I got from HMV in high school just to seem cool. It wasn’t until first-year university I fell in love with the song Wish You Were Here. I’m sure I was just feeling nostalgic after moving out of my suburban bubble and into the big city for the first time. Nevertheless, after annoying my new roommates by listening to that song on repeat in my bedroom I decided to give the rest of the album a shot and immediately fell in l love. It is a short ride but an emotional journey. I thought I had felt everything I needed to feel at 21, then I heard Shine On You Crazy Diamond (Pts 1-5). If you were living under a rock and haven’t heard this album I recommend it. And do check out that track.

good kid m.A.A.d city - Kendrick Lamar

Swimming Pools was everywhere in 2012, it was synonymous with the nightlife which was surprising given its lyrics. Good kid MAAD city takes the ideas explored in Swimming Pools and expands them into a full universe. As soon as I turned on the first song I felt like I had been lifted from my cold Canadian home and into the chaotic Compton of Kendrick Lamar’s universe. This concept album has such depth I feel I learnt more than I would have ever expected. I love the way the album weaves recorded scenes with various characters and the music, it creates such a vivid picture as you listen through the whole piece. I felt deep sympathy towards the struggles told on the record in ways I never thought I would. Good kid m.A.A.d city is a great ride from start to finish without ever skipping a single track, but if you had to speed up to a gem I highly recommend the track Money Trees.

channel Orange - Frank Ocean

I was originally introduced to Frank Ocean through his work with Odd Future or as I proudly scribbled everywhere, OFWGKTA. Frank Ocean was always the quiet R&B guy from the group that I never thought I would have known much about but early 2013 rolled around all that changed. An old friend of mine had pointed me in the direction of new work by the musician and I ran towards the sound immediately. Frank’s voice is mesmerizing and he mixes sounds in ways I would never expect. His lyrics are dark and deep. This album got me through a lot of mixed emotions I started to experience as I worked my way through my undergrad. Frank understood what it meant to feel and I connected deeply with that. Pink Matter was the soundtrack to my life, I listened to it on repeat doing just about every task I could imagine.

House of Balloons - The Weeknd

I remember Toronto the year that The Weeknd released his first mixtapes. He was just an enigma floating through the city, no one could pin him down. I am one hundred percent one of the people who got their hands on the YouTube videos early and saved them immediately to my accounts. I wanted more and I didn’t know why. He captured a sound that still exists here today, it was dark and full of mystery. As soon as I got my hands on the first mixtape I popped that baby into my iPod and played it so much practically the full album made it to my ‘Top 25 Playlist’ on the device. I am obsessed with The Weeknd’s voice and as someone from Etobicoke, I am even more obsessed with the fact that he’s from Scarborough. He sounds like home to me and I will never be able to let that go. When I play this album (which is at least once every year I’ll have you know), I feel sure about who I am and where I come from. It’s not an explicit attitude to being from Toronto, but rather a feeling that you can carry throughout everything you do. The Weeknd carries that on a world stage and I am proud to say he is a Toronto native. Every song on the album is amazing and I say listen to them all, but do make sure you pay special attention to Loft Music. Nothing spells nightlife in Toronto more than at least one party in a condo or loft by Lake Ontario. I was actually asked to go to a late-night loft party by a random man at a Chinese restaurant one time so I can vouch for this happening in the city. Clearly, Abel knew what he was talking about.

Music is one of the most important things in my life. It is like a fuel I use to keep my motor moving. I find it anywhere and everywhere. I rely on it so much it has been the godsend I didn’t realize I needed during a pandemic. I think I am starting to understand why movies from the 1930s were so much about escapism; drifting off into another world during a difficult time can feel like magic.

What are 10 albums that shaped who you are? Let me know in the comments.

[shazzeaslightnovels]

Seireitsukai no Blade Dance 1

Official English Title: Blade Dance of the Elementalers

Author: Yuu Shimizu

Illustrator: Hanpen Sakura

Label: MF Bunko J

Release Date: 21 December 2010

Art Notes: This series went through 3 different illustrators throughout it’s life and I’ll be talking about each of them as we get to them. Hanpen Sakura was the original artist and covered the series for 13 volumes before having to step down due to health issues. Their art is definitely done in the moe style and, while it’s not really to my taste, I do like the character designs (Restia’s especially) and I think that it suits the series. I do remember Sakura’s art does get better as the series continues so I look forward to seeing that improvement.

Ecchi warning: aside from the cover, there’s also a colour illustration of a nude Claire getting attacked by a slimy water spirit.

So, first off, I have read part of this series before. It was years ago though, back in the day when fan translations reigned supreme, J-Novel Club wasn’t a thing yet, Yen-Press wasn’t licensing many light novels and I hadn’t begun to learnt Japanese yet. While my memories are a bit fuzzy, I do remember quite a bit about it so, while I don’t intend to spoil anything, there’s a possibility that I may do so on accident to please keep that in mind.

Anyway, I enjoyed this, though there were a few scenes that frustrated me a little bit. I especially enjoyed the fight scenes and found the protagonist to be charming. I definitely recommend it if you are into magic battle school series and don’t mind harem and ecchi elements.

Story:

Genre: Ecchi, Harem, Action, Fantasy, Magic school, Comedy

Elementalers - people who are able to make contracts with elemental spirits and use their powers for battle. The power usually only appears in pure maidens but it appears that Kamito is an exception. Having lost some of his memories three years ago, Kamito is on a search to find someone. His search takes him to a prestigious academy for young elementalers and the headmaster forces him to enrol there, telling him to compete in the blade dance, a competition in which elementalers compete in order to have their wish granted. Seeing as the blade dance may lead Kamito to find who he is looking for, he complies. But, this year, the blade dance is a group battle and Kamito must find 4 teammates in order to compete...

Content warnings: the ecchi here isn’t very hardcore (I mean, in comparison to modern ecchi light novels, anyway) but it is still there so I don’t recommend reading this series if you’re bad with that kind of thing. Also, there are violent tsundere characters and a character who has the form of a child but is actually hundreds of years old so, again, if you have issues with these character types then I don’t recommend it.

Yes, this is one of those series with a power that’s only meant to be used by girls except for the male protagonist who can use it because reasons, a bunch of tsundere, ecchi “comedic” scenes, misunderstandings and a magic battle school. I know that a lot people hate these types of series but I’ve always thought that they have a certain charm to them and I found myself enjoying this volume despite all of it’s cliches. The magic system is interesting and the battle scenes are exciting and the characters are likeable and that’s all I really want out of a series like this. There were some scenes that annoyed me like the misunderstanding scenes where Kamito ends up in a situation that looks bad and the girls are quick to jump to conclusions and accuse him of doing something that he didn’t actually do. It gets tiresome after a while but I did manage to look past it, in the end.

One of the main things that is set up in this volume is teamwork. The characters are very strong but they are really terrible at teamwork, especially Rinslet, and I look forward to seeing them get better at it. The other major plot points that are introduced here have to do with Kamito’s and Claire’s past as they’re both searching for someone. I’m really looking forward to unraveling the mysteries behind Kamito’s memory loss.

Character:

Kamito is an interesting and likeable protagonist. He has a mysterious past and slowly more facts about it get revealed over the course of this volume but we still don’t know everything and I look forward to learning more. I also find his personality charming with how he tends to tease the tsundere ojou-sama around him when they yell at him but is willing to apologise when he realises that he’s crossed a line. As you can tell from the cover, Claire, the fiery red-haired tsundere, is our main heroine for this volume. Her catchphrase is “I’ll burn you to cinders”, she weilds a whip that she often uses to wrap around Kamito’s neck and her first meeting with Kamito ends with her declaring that he needs to take responsibility and become her slave. The series has a few tsundere characters but she’s probably the most violent of them so she’s definitely one of those characters that is easy to hate. I think her tsun is made more bearable thanks to Kamito’s personality and his willingness to tease her when she gets violent and I found myself able to like her despite all of her flaws. I think there’s a lot of potential for good development with her and I hope to see her become less abusive as the series goes on.

As for the other heroines, 4 are introduced in this volumes and one’s a spoiler so I’ll just talk about the other 3 for now. Ellis is the captain of the school knights and she initially hates Kamito upon discovering his existence but she comes around to him by the end of the volume. She’s not as violent as Claire is but she is still a tsundere and often threatens to turn Kamito into *insert food of any type here* which I found amusing. Of the girls, Rinslet fits the archetype of “tsundere ojou-sama” the best but she’s less tsun than Claire and Ellis and is probably the least prone to violence of the three. I really enjoy her rivalry with Claire and I love her way of speaking. Est is a spirit that Kamito makes a contract with at the start of the volume. She doesn’t do a whole lot here but readers who enjoy the kuudere loli archetype should enjoy her. The supporting characters in this volume are memorable enough.

Adaptation Notes:

The manga adaptation is complete at 6 volumes and features art by Issei Hyouju (provided the art for the manga adaptations of Slayers Revolution, MM!, Slayers Evolution-R and the ongoing Isekai Meikyuu de Harem wo). It’s pretty good so far and has some great action panels and adorable chibi art. Some stuff is cut or moved but a lot of it improves the story as some of the more silly misundersting scenes are taken out and the moved scenes improve the pacing. It’s worth a mention that the scene in the light novel where Claire gets attacked by the water spirit is changed in the manga so that Claire and Rinslet get attacked by it while clothed. Anyway, I enjoyed the manga and I recommend it as a substitute for the light novel.

Apparently, there is another manga adaptation with art by Zenzai Yoshihira but it was cancelled after a few chapters due to health problems and a volume was never released so I can’t talk about it at all.

The anime adaptation is 12 episodes in length and this volume is adapted in the first 4 episodes. This is one of those cases where I wish that the anime staff had been more willing to cut stuff and change things. This is a short volume and it does not need 4 episodes to adapt it. The mediocre adaptation for this series is why I have to defend adaptations like Saijaku Muhai no Bahamut and Danmachi whose creators knew that volume 3 would not be a good enough stopping point to make an impression and saw opportunities to cut things out and I wish that Blade Dance had received a similar treatment. It’s also really low budgeted and you can tell. As for what I do like about the anime, I do enjoy the character designs and I like that the majority of the voice actors selected for the anime did not have much experience at the time, like Kana Yuuki, Shizuka Ishigami, Makoto Furukawa and Saori Oonishi. And they all nail their performances and are perfectly cast in their roles. There are some well-known voice actors cast as well, like Youko Hikasa, but most of the actors were not expeirenced when the anime was produced and I like that the anime gave the opportunity for these newer actors to shine.

Recommended for:

If you’re into battle school fantasy series and don’t mind harem and ecchi elements, read this. If you’re currently trying to learn Japanese through reading light novels and want to read a fantasy series, I found this easy to read. There is a bit of fantasy jargon but not too much and it’s quite short at around 250 pages.

I’ll be reading volume 2 fairly soon.

[backoftheroomandnotbelonging]

73 questions.

I was tagged by @enchantedamusedslightlyconfused

I tag @iamdorka  @xwonderlandxinxhellx @mrs-machinegun-norris (you’re my top three recommended tags)

On a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now?

Like, a 5? I’m at a point in my life that I can go in any direction so I have a lot of freedom and choice. But, I have no idea where I want to be going so I’m in limbo and that makes me anxious...

Describe yourself in a hashtag?

#backoftheroomandnotbelonging

I use it to tag any content I’m posting and Tumblr is typically where I’m the most honest.

If you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be?

Oooo I don’t know

Colson? Yungblud, maybe Mod Sun as well...

Definitely Colson though - that man is a dream 👀

If your life was a musical, what would the marquee say?

I genuinely don’t have the foggiest...

What’s one thing people don’t know about you?

I’ve done pole fitness since I was 14.

What’s your wake up ritual?

Wake up, check the number of notifications I have on my phone, have a wash, get dressed, makeup, breakfast.

What’s your go to bed ritual?

PJs, have a wash, music, lights out, music, fanfiction, daydream, pass out.

What’s your favourite time of day?

Anytime between 2:00 and 4:30 in the morning. It’s when my house is guaranteed to be asleep so I’m finally able to just stop and be me.

Your go to for having a good laugh?

I don’t actually remember the last time I had a good laugh...

KellyVision makes me chuckle though.

Dream country to visit?

America. It’s kinda cliche but oh well. Definitely hitting up Cleveland for EST Fest and maybe NYC. Probably would wanna go to an amusement park as well - I just have this idea that they’re very different to British ones.

And NZ! My cousins are there and together? We’re hurricanes.

What’s the biggest surprise you’ve had?

This is one of those questions that I suddenly can’t think of an answer for.

Maybe @xwonderlandxinxhellx​?

I don’t even remember how we started talking but I never thought (I dreamed but never thought) that I would actually make a friend on Tumblr.

So, thank you 🖤

Heels or flats/sneakers?

CONVERSE! I will die in my Chucks.

That being said, ya girl loves feeling herself in heels. I can’t do normal heels so I have these block heel brogues that I adore.

Vintage or new?

I adore the vintage style but sizing often isn’t on my size.

Also love some dark punk grunge clothing.

Who do you want to write your obituary?

I don’t want an obituary.

When I die I want that to be it. No funeral, no nothing.

Style icon?

Colson, Dom?

I’m very into aesthetics that I could never really pull off.

What are three things you can’t live without?

My glasses

My headphones

The Bloom album (quite literally in this case)

What’s one ingredient you put in everything?

Mixed herbs or sweetcorn.

Love Worcestershire Sauce as well.

What 3 people living or dead would you like to make dinner for?

Colson Baker (needs a heartwarming homecooked meal)

And there are probably others but none that really spring to mind.

My mum, to thank her?

What’s your biggest fear in life?

Fear of isolation

I’m not scared of being abandoned (if you do that to me then you’re doing me a favour)

But I am scared of closing myself off to people that could be there for me and letting things get bad and consume me again.

Window or aisle seat?

Aisle seat!

I like looking at what’s going on about me.

And it’s odd but I also don’t hate the inconvenience of getting up to let people pass.

What’s your current TV obsession?

Roadies.

And nothing else will ever match it. It’s a crime it was cancelled before a second season.

Favourite app?

Tumblr, followed closely by Pinterest.

I think it’s because they’re spaces that are specifically for your interests, dreams, all that mess in your head and I vibe with that.

Secret talent?

I’m not very talented, not gonna lie.

I can rap all of Breaking News which I feel is impressive?

Most adventurous thing you’ve done in your life?

I’ve not had many opportunities to be adventurous.

Skipping school always gave me such anxiety so my body definitely thought I was jumping off a cliff or something.

How would you define yourself in three words?

Witty, fangirl, brave?

Favourite piece of clothing you own?

I have a green and grey checkered suit jacket that I adore.

My Adder Technology jumper is my favourite oversized item.

Black ripped jeans.

Must have clothing item everyone should have?

Brown leather belt. I don’t know why but I’ll never go back.

Superpower you would want?

Power of time? Just to like slow it down. I feel like I don’t have enough time to do anything so to slow it down and get shit done would be great. Or just to give myself a minute to breathe. We don’t get enough ‘time out’s in life.

What’s inspiring you in life right now?

Colson has always been inspiring to me.

He came into my life when I was 15 and literally saved it. He’s always going to mean that to me.

Best piece of advice you’ve received?

Mod Sun: I’ve always been a little bit reluctant to say I’m gonna be the best at something because I didn’t wanna disrespect other people, like ‘Imma be the best at something, you can’t have it’. So I’d never really be like that. But if you don’t say you’re gonna be the best at what you’re doing, your insides, that power that you have, doesn’t know what the fuck to do.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4JUdgoHnL4Q&list=LLF69NADeUPVjZWSlZpeiGWg&index=3&t=0s

Best advice you’d give your teenage self?

Just live, please. We were so close to not living and yet here we are. Please, please, just throw the rule book in the flames. Go to school hungover, pull allnighters to just feel music, smoke, don’t do your homework.

Promise me to be unapologetically yourself.

A book that everyone should read?

In Cold Blood by Truman Capote - just stick with it...it’s an interesting story and raises some questions about life.

The Selection Series by Keira Cass - my favourite YA series.

Harry Potter by JK Rowling - pretty self explanatory? 

What would you like to be remembered for?

I don’t wanna be remembered.

I’m gone, just move on. Find a new energy to bring into your life.

How do you define beauty?

    (That is a purposeful blank space.)

What do you love most about your body?

That it’s never given up on me.

Best way to take a rest/decompress?

Music as loud as possible so you can just lose yourself.

Favourite place to view art?

Oh this has me stumped.

I like art that is significant but isn’t technically legally displayed.

If your life were a song, what would the title be?

It would 100% be a word or phrase that wouldn’t turn up in the lyrics at all.

But you listen to it and the title seems like the perfect title, nothing else could represent this song.

If you could master one instrument, what would it be?

Guitar, bass? No, drums. Vocals...

I just want some musical talent!

If you had a tattoo, where would it be?

Oooo, get ready.

Bee, on my collarbone.

Lace Up, on my wrist.

Tree, on my sternum.

Stars/an astronaut/a solar system, somewhere undecided.

Dolphins or koalas?

Don’t really have a preference...

But the dolphins in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy were great so...

What’s your spirit animal?

I think maybe a seal?

Best gift you’ve ever received?

My headphones.

I have tiny ears so have always struggled to find earbuds that are comfortable for a long period of time.

I found some!

And then they were discontinued so it’s really difficult to buy them.

I was surprised with 3 pairs once and I practically cried.

Best gift you’ve ever given?

Ummm, I’m not very artsy creative but I once made my mum a birthday card using a teabag, I think she liked it?

I was a teenager so it was really rare that I ever did something artistic so I think she especially appreciated the effort and discomfort I felt.

What’s your favourite board game?

Chess.

Game of Life.

Cards against humanity.

What’s your favourite colour?

Grey.

Least favourite colour?

I used to have this severe hate for pink because it was forced on me as a child (I shared a room with my little sister and she loved pink so pink was what she got.)

I’ve grown out of it: pink is punk as fuck.

Diamonds or pearls?

I don’t really have a preference.

I much prefer simple things.

If we’re talking jewellery then I like plain silver.

Drugstore makeup or designer?

Ummm...I’m not sure how to differentiate.

I try and use Natural Collection for the base of my makeup but my eyeliner and eyebrows are Rimmel London and NYX.

Blow-dry or air-dry?

Air-dry

These curls only work one way and that’s their way.

Pilates or yoga?

Both.

Depends on what I need in the moment.

Coffee or tea?

Neither!

I’m not allowed so it’s hot chocolate all the wayyyy.

What’s the weirdest word in the English language?

The weirdest words are the ones that you learnt reading so pronounce one way when actually it’s said entirely differently.

Me, in Year 10, with the word ‘epitome’.

Dark chocolate or milk chocolate?

Depends on my mood really...

Cadbury released this bar that mixed the two together and that seems kinda perfect.

Stairs or elevator?

Either

I like racing people in the lifts to see if I can get up the stairs quicker. Such a child, I know.

Summer or winter?

Winter, for sure.

Natural ginger so the summer is the worst thing I’ve ever experienced.

You are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat?

Mash.

A desert you don’t like?

Apple pie (or any fruit pie)

And custard.

A skill you’re working on mastering?

Skateboarding.

No time like quarantine, eh?

Best thing to happen to you today?

Woke up naturally alert so felt ready to tackle the day productively for the first time since lockdown began.

Best compliment you’ve ever received?

That my writing has helped someone.

Someone told me that A Night of Many Firsts perfectly represented what they were feeling and helped them feel strong enough to get help.

Favourite smell?

My deodorant, baking, the local library.

Hugs or kisses?

Hugs. Simple as.

If you made a documentary, what would it be about?

Intense case study of teenage mental illness into adulthood.

Last piece of content you consumed that made you cry?

Pretty Toxic Revolver - Machine Gun Kelly

Probably every episode of Torchwood ever

Lipstick or lip gloss?

Lipstick

Sweet or savoury?

Savoury. Vegan corn chowder, garlic bread, potatoes.

Girl crush?

I don’t really have any?

I mean, I’m bi but no one really comes to mind.

How you know you’re in love?

I’ve never been in love but I hope it would be seeing them and feeling peace.

Knowing that they get every part of you, good and bad, and still choose to stay. And vice versa.

Song you can listen to on repeat?

Pretty much anything MGK

Currently feeling the Lace Up album.

If you could switch lives with someone for a day who would it be?

I wouldn’t want to be someone else.

I’d much rather be able to jump forward and experience a day in my future...for reassurance.

What are you most excited about at this time in your life?

Travelling.

I’m leaving and hopefully never coming back to this place, this mindset, again.

[your-high-lady]

Realisation

Summary: This story is about Feyre. She has a couple of small dreams she wants to achieve but turns out it isn't as easy as she imagined it would. Trust me, the story is better than the summary. Modern AU. Feysand.

Chapter 1  Chapter 2   Chapter 3   Chapter 4  Chapter 5   Chapter 6   Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I own nothing except for the plot. All credit goes to Sarah J Mass

Chapter 9: Awkwardness and lips

After about thirty minutes of driving, we finally reached the place we were having dinner. It was within walking distance of the mini-golf place so we were planning to just walk over there after dinner.

I smiled at Azriel as he held the door open for Mor, Amren and I, and laughed when he let it close on Cassian and Rhys. I could tell they were close, just like Mor and I. Amren, however, was a different case. She filled the room with her essence, even in her tiny body. It was impossible to miss her.

A small smile on my face, I took in my surroundings. The restaurant was an Italian one with a homey feel to it. There was a row of comfortable-looking sofas right at the back and artificially-lit torches hanging off the walls, each one about a metre away from the other. The rest of the lighting was done by lit-candles on each table. It was a little dark for my liking but the open feeling the place had made up for it. It was a relatively warm night so we decided to sit outside. Our waitress, a blonde woman with huge nerdy glasses, gave us our menus and took our drinks order before the dinner-talk started up.

Ten minutes later, our food orders given, I was listening to Amren and Mor as Amren caught Mor up on her relationship with her boyfriend Varian. Apparently, they'd had sex for the first time a couple of nights ago and it made Amren very happy because they'd been dating for only about three months but she really liked him and had been feeling ready for that step in their relationship for a while now. Amren was just in the middle of gushing about how much Varian adored her when I felt eyes on me. I turned to find Rhys staring at me. Azriel and Cassian, who were on the right of Rhys were playing a game of chopsticks, which meant that they didn't notice what Rhys was so blatantly doing. I looked at him for a couple of seconds, waiting for him to speak or do something but when he didn't move, I said, "Yes? Did you want to say something to me?"

He tilted his head to the side before asking, "Do you have a boyfriend, Feyre?"

I raised my eyebrows before shaking my head. He nodded, thinking to himself, before looking up at me again, "What's your favourite food?"

"Peanut butter, banana and bread, together." The corner of his lips lifted in a small beam.

"Any place you'd like to visit?"

"Paris. I can imagine myself at the top of the Eiffel Tower, looking down, and realising that we are all such a small part of something so much bigger than anything we could imagine." Wow, that got deep. But surprisingly Rhys only gave me a sweet smile before moving on.

"Sunrises or sunsets?"

I instantly frowned. Why would he ask me a question like that? He just raised his eyebrows. "Sunrises," I said, maybe a tad bit more sassily than I meant too.

"What's on the top of your bucket list?"

"I don't have a bucket list. I just want to graduate and settle down." He narrowed his eyes at me.

"Are you sure? There's got to be something you really want to do before you die." I shook my head in reply. I was boring that way. I didn't want to live a flash life. I just wanted to settle down, buy my own house maybe, and just teach art.

"What's your dream life?"

"Teaching art to little kids."

"So you like children?"

"I guess so." I shrugged, brushing the words off. Rhys opened his mouth to ask, I assume, another question but just then Mor squealed. Our food had arrived. I shook my head at her in amusement as the waiter put my dish in front of me. I thanked her before diving into my food. I was actually starting to get really hungry.

About twenty minutes later, we were finally walking over to the mini-golf place. We'd chosen this place because one, it was close to the restaurant we wanted to eat at, two because it was one of the few places that stayed open till late and last because the place was so beautiful with all the waterfalls and amazing replications of cool places around the world, such as the Great Wall of China, the Grand Canyon and the Eiffel Tower.

After amusing the person at the desk for about ten minutes while we all fought over who would pay, Rhys finally ended up paying for all us. Though I wasn't really happy about that, I sucked it up because the entry was only ten dollars per person, so at least he wasn't spending too much money on me. I absolutely hated it when people spent money on me. It made me feel cheap and selfish as if I was using other people's money for my own fun. We decided to make teams, two people in each. Cassian ended up with Mor and Azriel with Amren, which left Rhys and me to go together. Oh, what are the chances!? Trying very hard to hide my grimace, I went to get a golf stick and ball. As I was doing that, I sensed him and the tightness in his muscles behind me. At least he seems as annoyed as I am, I thought to myself.

The first few courses were a blur, with me only coming back to my senses when it was my turn to hit the ball. By the fifth course, we were loosing. By a lot.

But then, at the seventh course he said, "It sucks, huh." I looked up at him with a frown. Did he mean being in a team with him? He clarified, "Loosing. I bet you wish you were with one of the others." He let out a breath in amusement. I frowned before saying, "I don't think that at all. It's not so bad being with you." He stared at me before moving his eyes to my lips. I noticed his pupils widening a little, causing me to blush. He noticed, looking up, before shaking his head and paying attention to the game once again. He didn't talk to me after that.

—

Rhys's POV

Beautiful. She was so beautiful, breath-taking even. She was so pretty and soft and adorable. The questions I had asked her: they had just been a way to get to know her a little better, but her answers had been so unique and different. She wanted to teach little kids art. I smiled to myself, imagining her walking around a classroom and giving feedback to the children she was teaching, making them smile when she gave them a compliment. I knew she would be successful in achieving her goals. I knew she was strong and wouldn't stop until she got everything she had ever wanted for herself. It was just another one of the things that attracted me to her. Because I was attracted. It was impossible not to be.

But Feyre was so different from her.

She had been so different with her red hair and black eyes that were always gleaming with schemes and wicked delight at small things in the world. I had found the gleam to be attractive but later I learnt that that gleam was just something she was using to lure me in. Her love at the beginning of the relationship was a trap, and then her hatred and evilness at the end was the immediate poison.

And then all of sudden, those black eyes turned into blue and grey. And instead of the gleam, there was a… glow. There was no other word for it. Her emotions shone through her eyes, making her whole face sparkle with the emotion, too. And though the light was mostly from happiness, there was also sadness and despair behind it. It was always there, like a shadow trailing her. And just like the sun momentarily hiding behind a cloud, I could see the shadow of the depressing emotion hiding the shine of the sun. I'd seen the sun disappear behind the cloud a couple of times today. Once before I got her to do the carpool karaoke and once when playing golf. I'd just happened to glance at her, wanting to see her face light up at my success of getting a ball into the pit, and she'd been happy. But before the happiness appeared, there had been shadows. Feyre was good and had hid them quickly, but I was also good. Spending time with her had given me a sharp eye and I'd spotted the shadow. And it wasn't the first time I'd seen it. I'd seen it multiple times before, in our previous interactions and I didn't like it one bit. I didn't understand why I felt this way, but I very badly wanted to get rid of those shadows. I never wanted to see them on Feyre's face again. I just didn't know how to get rid of them. It annoyed me, made me tense. Maybe if I knew what was causing the shadows to appear, I could get rid of them. But how should I ask her? It's not like I could just walk up to her and say, "Hi, I've noticed the shadows in your eyes and face and very desperately want to get rid of them. Could you please tell me what's causing them to appear so that I can do something about it?" Yeah. That would get me places.

Shaking my head at my thoughts, I tried pushing her out of my head and closed my eyes. But even in my sleep, she appeared with her golden-brown hair and grey-blue eyes, her sun and shadows at war.

Feyre's POV

I stared at the glow-in-the-dark stars stuck to my ceiling as I thought.

Rhys.

I felt so comfortable in his presence, something that surprised me a lot since I'd gotten used to the idea of never being comfortable with a male's touch. But it was different with Rhys. He was so handsome, his features sharp but beautiful. I pictured all the drawings I'd done of him. Though they were all done without thought, I knew some of those sketches were the most authentic and alluring pieces I'd ever drawn.

I didn't remember much about my mother, but I did remember something she'd once told me. The sentence had stuck with me from the day she'd first said it and since then I'd always tried to let it show in my work. An artist's best work always comes from the heart.

So did that mean my pictures of Rhys were coming from my heart? But why though? All that there was in my heart was the wish to be successful. That's all I wanted. I didn't want the love of my life anymore. Not after Tamlin. Tamlin's actions had proved to me that my dreams had always stupid and false and that there never had been anyone perfect for me out there. And even if there was, which I very highly doubt, it was not Rhys. Rhys was not perfect. He was arrogant. He was intimidating and always stared at me as if there was something wrong with my face. He wasn't perfect. He was sad and stressed. I'd seen it in my paintings and in real life, too. He was not perfect… but what if?… What if… there was no one perfect out there. What if there never was a perfect guy out there for me. What if I had always been destined to be with an imperfect man. What if I was to make him perfect. No. Not perfect. Complete. I was to make someone complete with my love, and he would reciprocate. Because that was love. Completing someone with your love.

As I lay in bed, I thought about all that.

And then, out of nowhere, I remembered how his eyes had wandered to my lips before drifting back up. I blushed again at the thought, before flipping on to my stomach, stuffing my face in my pillow, and forcing myself to sleep. But even then, night-blue hair and violet-coloured, silver-flecked eyes stared back at me in my dreams.

AN: I love this chapter, it's just so sweet. But what do you think? Do you like where their thoughts are going? Tell me everything.

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

Skincare/ makeup culture ☕️

oooh. i’ll divide this post into two parts: makeup culture and skincare culture.

(1.) makeup culture.

i think everyone knows that I’ve never liked makeup, mostly because I had relatively bad cystic acne throughout high school, that reacted badly to all of the makeup that my sister used (but most particularly her l’oreal foundation). I think makeup culture is particularly harmful to young girls, like the makeup youtube channels that are run by the parents I suppose of 8 year olds, where the 8yo is the actual youtuber.

like don’t get me wrong, i know young girls like playing with makeup (I actually did when I was that age, funnily enough)….. but the fact that professional or just plain fucking ridiculously expensive makeup palettes are now being marketed to girls in bloody primary/grade/elementary school, is just fucking wrong. and yeah there’s the post on here about how some younger girls are finding themselves ugly when they don’t wear properly applied makeup or something like that. and that breaks my heart. why the fuck should a young girl be made to feel ugly if she can’t blend like josiemaycosmetics (I made that up btw idk any makeup channels besides Jeffree star, James Charles and that tatti woman tbh) and can’t afford the bullshit Too Faced $98 powered foundation, $65 Sunday Riley blush (I roughly remember the price of this particular blush bc my sister bought it for me for my 20th birthday so that I could according to her “look good for uni” but I never actually used it lmao… and it’s no longer sold here in australia) and Kylie Jenner’s overpriced lip kits and idk Smashbox “photo finish” primer priced between $AU23-$AU55????

like I had this bad enough in fucking HIGH SCHOOL with my sister telling me that I’d “never get a boyfriend” or “never get a date for the formal/junior prom” if I didn’t spend hundreds of $$$$ for a good face of makeup and didn’t spend hours and hours learning how to do my own makeup. or how last year for my uni grad, she made out that I’d ruin my own uni grad if we didn’t spend $250 on the makeup artist we got for me….. where I unfortunately found out that my skin reacts to MAC products 😭😨 bc the MUA used MAC concealer and foundation. my sister also expected me to remember the setting spray the woman used for my makeup, when I was there from like 4:30am till like 6:45am and i was barely fucking awake. the setting spray probably could’ve easily cost over $100. let’s be real here. like why am I expected to remember shit that early in the morning???

one of my least favourite things with makeup culture is that you’re not meant to fuck it up in any way, shape or form. like when my sister did my makeup for my two high school formals/proms (year 10 & year 12) she constantly told me not to scratch my face while she was doing it (but it made me itchy, hooray for L’Oréal being shit lmao)…. not to fuck it up while I ate at those events….. and she didn’t let me eat before my uni grad last year bc “you’d definitely fuck up your makeup. don’t you dare scratch your face at all today!” like for someone who has hypersensitive/highly reactive skin that she has to scratch when it’s itchy….. and also loves fucking stuffing her face with food….. expecting me to never touch/scratch my face and to practically starve myself to preserve the integrity of my makeup (that i ended up paying for some in the end anyway) for an event is fucking stupid and over-restrictive.

like i always hated the way that the kardashians ate on KUWTK bc it looked so fucking mechanical and whatever bc they had to obvs preserve their makeup while shooting and also look nice for the camera. like why the fuck am I expected to eat ~like that~ when I have a faceload of MU on???? FUCK OFF. I will scratch it off. I will smear the food all over my face (ok not really) and eat however I motherfucking want, thank you very fucking much. like for my uni grad last year I was up from 4am and my grad ended at like 12:30pm….. so I didn’t have food til about 12:35 when I left the hall. and the whole time while I was eating my sister kept reminding me to not fuck up my makeup that we’d spent $250 on. JUST LET ME FUCKING EAT WOMAN, I SWEAR TO FUCK. lmao.

the last thing I hate the most about makeup culture is that like….. I absolutely hate makeup like I said above….. but once I have it on I feel pretty and cry a bit bc I’ll just never learn to do it myself…. mostly bc I couldn’t be bothered…. bc I save hundreds, if not thousands of $$$$ from not buying all the bullshit essential items you need just for a ~basic no makeup, makeup look~, and bc my hands have never been steady enough to use some of the things, like false eyelashes and eyelash curlers or liquid eyeliner/normal eyeliner….. 

but yeah. I just hate that it makes me feel pretty???? but I also feel good and more natural without it???? and I’ll never like my sister’s comment that: “you’re the prettier one out of the two of us…. but if only you hurried up and learnt to do your makeup, you’d be even prettier” or some dumb semi-condescending shit comment she’s said to me like that before. like why is the only way a woman can be pretty (other than some clothes that make her feel good) by smearing 100s/1000s of dollars worth of makeup on???? like why the fuck am I expected to spend all that money when a good bulk of men will never bother with the male makeup trend anyway???? like why am I expected to act differently when I basically just have grown up face-paint on lmao???? I’ve never felt natural in makeup, I’ve always felt awkward and like…. not sound like an cringey edgelord emo kid…. but i never felt ~real~ wearing makeup lmao. just yeah.

but yeah I also understand makeup is an art and I appreciate that. makeup culture is so fucked on all sides for women.

(2.) skincare culture:

now skincare culture is different for me. considering that, like I said before, I had relatively bad cystic acne…. and I’ve since also developed eczema during the winter months….. so I’ve had to develop a good skincare routine over the years to keep my skin under control. but again, there are parts that I don’t like about skincare culture…. like women are typically meant to spend, again, hundreds and if not thousands of dollars on super expensive skin creams (some of which I’ve tried) to fix their fine lines, their laugh lines, their crows feet, their blemishes, their birth marks and cellulite…… the list truly goes on and on….. and on top of that (well this hellsite which isn’t entirely accurate) I’m, or we as women, are expected to teach all of that to men in their 20s???? like fuck off. why and how the fuck didn’t they get the fucking memo to look after their own goddamned skin???? like my 20s are already tiring enough, and now I gotta pass on important skincare advice to men, who could easily fucking find it themselves online???? lord help their asses lmao.

but other than the men bit…. yeah skincare culture is just as bad as makeup culture. like when Cosmo mag was still running in australia, more than half of the shit the women at Cosmo were advertising as part of their skincare routines were literally $300 night treatment creams or moisturisers; $150 facial cleansers; or $500 skin peels, or $600 appointments at dermatologists and skin therapies like electrolysis that I’ll probs never be able to afford. like one of the luxury brands that I LOVE (💖) is Mario badescu bc the two pimple treatments that i sometimes I use from them (the drying lotion and the anti-acne serum) are the ONLY two acne treatments that have NEVER made my face turn red and my skin peel off (besides a really good neutrogena one that Neutrogena discontinued 😭). every other chemist bought pimple treatment cream makes my skin peel off/itchy/turn red. but sadly the two Mario badescu treatments are priced over $50 if bought together (ones now $31 (formerly $28, this one’s great bc it dries clear), the other is like $26, this one dries pink). so the chemist bought ones like the ones by Clearasil or OXY10 are my saviours at $11.99-$12.99, even though they dry out my skin to buggery and leave big white marks on my face bc they both dry white lmao. but I’ve gotta suffer that for the price of beauty lmao.

also there’s expensive face washes (or skin care program packs etc) from Paula’s choice that I love.... but again they were like $35 for a 400ml bottle and $25 for a fucking 150ml or 250ml bottle. now the one i like is $20 for 177ml, which is a rip off. some of the other luxury things that I’ve tried (via free samples) that don’t work, like Kate Somerville (priced at like $65 and over), Philosophy and god knows what else that i’ve bought from Mecca Cosmetica, which is the Aussie version of Sephora in the past. and yes, for acne treatments, i’ve used pro-activ before. it was ok… but i never used it in high school, after the awful time we had trying to cancel our subscription to it back in the day for my sister lol.

also can we talk about the ultrasonic face brush systems that are still raging strongly??? like they’re also super rip offs, especially with buying replacement heads for $35 a pop. like I’ve had a Clarisonic for years (that I’ve stopped using, admittedly)…. the model was roughly $250 when I got it for my like 19th birthday. now they’re even more expensive at like $315 for the latest “clarisonic mia fit cleansing system” which is linked on the $315. or now there’s the foreo that costs anywhere between $75 (the cheapest model) to fucking almost $400… ie $395. the replacement heads for the clarisonic and i suppose replacement like pads or something for the foreo are meant to be replaced every three months “for optimum cleansing” or whatever. like $35 every three months is a lot to maintain after a while. also using the clarisonic added like 10 extra minutes to my showers/general skincare routine bc you’re meant to use it for five mins or whatever and then spend another 5mins washing it out to make sure that it doesn’t collect mould and buildup too much soap residue. it was just a lot of effort to use, even if it did make me feel like i had a better and deeper face washing routine.

and yes, i know there’s Lush. both my sister and i (but more my sister) were obsessed with Lush back in high school, after one of our sydney cousins introduced it to us. but Lush’s skincare stuff for pimples just never worked for us. it made me breakout more, actually. but their old apple pie and choc-orange lip balms were the BOMB. it’s a pity that they no longer make them tbh. their jelly soaps were fun to use and smelt nice too. i can’t remember much else about lush tbh lmao.

for face masks, i’ve found that store/chemist bought formula 10.0.06 or whatever works the best for my skin. but the push, especially again in cosmo and other places, to buy more expensive face-masks and like designer FMs that you should really ask a professional to use first imo, is fucking harmful, especially when you’ve got ones that take off the whole top layer of skin from your face (like the famous and the overly popular charcoal face peel masks), or so i’ve read. like it’s yikes out there. please be safe with these masks, ya’ll. and the same goes for making your own organic face masks, considering that i’ve seen posts on here about using lemon juice which is bad for your skin??? idk anyway. i also hate how with the face masks i buy, there’s about 6 different “skin-illuminating”/“skin brightening”/”skin detoxing” etc masks, that all essentially do the same fucking thing. just keep it at one and fucking go; for gods fucking sake lmao.

but yeah, skincare culture does suck just as much as makeup culture, considering that is heavily focused on women’s self-esteem and wallets…. and barely ever focuses on men. like it’s a double-edged sword tbh.

also as side notes: why the actual fuck are makeup companies still giving their makeup shades or makeup lines sexual names???? like i just found a fucking blush shade by NARS, in my research for this post, called “Orgasm”???? like what the FUCK is wrong with ya’ll??? like y’all actually have the fucking AUDACITY to really make 8 year olds say that in their makeup tutorial videos as well??? “our best selling orgasm collection” sweet lord. that sounds bad. y’all need to sort your shit out, and so do the people who name nail polish shades.. 

the other worrying general beauty trends that i keep getting on my facebook newsfeed are the teeth whitening systems like hismile and at home laser treatment machines… and then also the charcoal toothpastes to whiten your teeth. oh and also the facial skin “vacuums”, that suck out dirt/oil and your blackheads/pimples etc from your pores. stay safe out there everyone, and do your bloody research. don’t believe the reviews and the hype.

also finally: take your skin type and skin condition/(s) into account if you want to use any of the things that I’ve mentioned that I use/have used on this post. or that I’ve just generally mentioned, like the Clarisonic and the foreo. because what works for me, might not work for you. I’m not a skincare expert or dermatologist. check with your doctor or a skincare professional or whatever before you start using some of these things, even if you might think that it’s stupid & pointless to do so.

[ralph-n-fiennes]

Hey! Is there any chance you could post the entire interview from The Times here? Thanks

Sure! Here it is

Ralph Fiennes: ‘There is a kind of political correctness that’s in danger of becoming totalitarianism’

The actor and director talks about his new Nureyev film, the perils of mob justice, and why he’s tired of playing evil

Ralph Fiennes’s The White Crow, the actor’s third film as a director, is as fine a portrait of an artist as a young man as you will find outside the pages of James Joyce. Set in Paris in 1961, it is the story of the defection of Rudolf Nureyev from Russia, the climax of the Kirov Ballet star’s belligerent growing-up, and a big publicity coup for the West.

Its writer, David Hare, who has done a job as brilliant as The White Crow’s director, has said that he loathes the idea that Nureyev’s defection was a balletic “leap to freedom”. At the time, he points out, there was optimism in Russia after the death of Stalin and the accession of the more liberal Khrushchev. In microcosm it is true, certainly, that the man Fiennes plays, Nureyev’s teacher Alexander Pushkin, was no tyrant. Indeed, it is vaguely upsetting to see the much lusted-after leading man who, two decades ago, was the seducer in The English Patient, now at 56 play a bald professorial type, cuckolded by his protégé — although the real seducer in this case was, it seems, Pushkin’s wife, who cajoled the mostly homosexual Nureyev into her bed.

“Alexander was very kind and very, very gentle,” Fiennes says. He is in a suite at the Dorchester in London, dressed in jeans and coatigan. His long, floppy hair, I notice to my relief, has, in reality, suffered no more than some widow’s peaking. “People talk about his technique, which was to let the students discover their own mistakes. Now, I’ve seen ballet classes where the teacher literally comes and forces the arm and turns the head and wrestles with a student’s body.”

Fiennes agrees with Hare that it was claustrophobia, rather than tyranny, that Nureyev was fleeing and that his defection was a spur-of-the-moment decision prompted by the heavy-handedness of KGB minders alarmed at his carousing in Paris. Still, the urge had surely been building. “Subconsciously, for him there was a world elsewhere,” Fiennes says, quoting from Coriolanus, which he has starred in and directed for cinema.

Nureyev’s “leap” is performed at Le Bourget airport in front of a scrum of reporters, whose colleagues would pursue the dancer right up to his death from Aids in 1993, aged 54. Perhaps, I say, the film suggests that the dancer trades one form of surveillance for another? Fiennes, however, barely concedes the point even though his own private life — in 1996 he left his wife, Alex Kingston, for Francesca Annis, his co-star in Hamlet almost 20 years his senior — has suffered its share of scrutiny.

A newer form of western tyranny seems to disturb him more. In recent weeks he has offered his support to Liam Neeson, his Schindler’s List co-star, after Neeson said in an interview that he had once wandered the streets with a cosh hoping to be attacked by a “black bastard” so he could avenge the rape of a woman close to him. Fiennes has also stood firm by Michael Colgan, a former director of the Gate Theatre in Dublin, who has been accused of bullying and sexual harassment during his tenure. In the first case, Fiennes says that Neeson was attempting an honest confession. In the second, to be accused is not invariably to be guilty.

“I think there’s a kind of political correctness which has its strength, but is in danger of becoming its own sort of totalitarianism,” Fiennes says.

It is harder, perhaps, to argue the case for Sergei Polunin, the Ukrainian dancer with a supporting role in The White Crow who in January was dropped from a ballet in Paris after posting rants on Instagram, but Fiennes says that he was a joy to work with. “Basically, I ignore all the stuff that he said because I believe there’s the noise the human being can make and then there’s who they truly are as a person, and I think Sergei is a good man, a kind man.”

Fiennes, I observe, occasionally makes a bit of noise in his private life (in 2007 an air stewardess claimed that she had inducted him into the mile high club). “I’ve been guilty of shit,” he agrees. He is less ready to concede that his description of “the unpleasantness and ruthlessness” of the young Nureyev as he looked to “create” himself may have once applied to him.

“I’m uncomfortable saying an overt yes to that. I connected with aspects of his hunger to learn, I suppose, his hunger to absorb.”

Fiennes’s self-creation remains a fascinating subject. His career looked set to be in art until, enrolled at Chelsea College of Arts, he noticed a young New Zealand painter and the “fury” he had about his vocation.

“I thought, ‘He is driven and I’m here painting that bowl of fruit, but I don’t know what I’m trying to say.’ I think I had acted at school and there was some moment at college when the penny dropped and I thought, ‘No, I want to be an actor.’ It suddenly became very clear to me, certain.”

Was there fury about his acting? “I think there was a bit. There was a real sort of determination, but I remember one audition at one drama school. I came out with this RP voice and I think they thought, ‘Who is he? Is he pretending to be a Shakespeare actor?’ I felt maybe I wasn’t the kind of actor that was cool at the time.”

Rada recognised the real thing. Leaving in 1985, he was quickly taken up by the RSC and the National Theatre. By the time I last interviewed him, in 1995, he had already been nominated for an Oscar from his remarkable portrayal of the concentration camp commandant Amon Goeth in Schindler’s List, and was about to play Hamlet at the Almeida in London — which was where he would fall in love with Annis, who was playing the prince’s mother. There was no doubting his greatness. Of his range, however, there was less inkling.From Goeth, we knew he could play a particularly nuanced kind of evil, but who could have predicted his terrifying box-office turn as Voldemort in the Harry Potter films?“I did actually say to my agent, after Voldemort, ‘Please don’t send me any bad guys. I’ve done that now.’ And I don’t think I’ve broken that promise, unless you count David Hare getting me to play his version of Tony Blair in Page Eight.”A consequence of that resolution was our discovery that Fiennes could be wickedly funny on film — as the suavely savage Gustave in Wes Anderson’s The Grand Budapest Hotel and then that grab-bag of ego, the music producer Harry, in A Bigger Splash. However, this is also a serious actor who learnt Russian for the movie Two Women and speaks it beautifully in The White Crow, indistinguishable from Russian cast members speaking in their native tongue. His Bafta-nominated directorial debut with Coriolanus in 2011, meanwhile, was followed up by an impressive Dickens movie, The Invisible Woman.

There is an off-the-peg explanation for Fiennes’s overachievements. As a child, he had to compete with his siblings for attention, for love and to impress.

“At the age of seven, I was the eldest of six, and I probably had a little bit of special treatment, being the eldest, and then felt the competition coming up behind,” he says. “When we get together as a family, we laughingly acknowledge our need to have our space. Because we’re all quite close together in age, I think you define your territory. ‘This is my territory. This is who I am.’”

He says that his mother, Jennifer Lash, a writer known as Jinni, who was married to Mark Fiennes, a farmer-turned-photographer, inspired her brood with her love of words and performance. Two of his sisters, Martha and Sophie, became film-makers; one brother is a composer; and another is Joseph Fiennes, the actor.

“But it was frantic. She often felt huge distress. She wanted to write, and sometimes the pressure and the strain and the frustration of not being able to write, not having the time to write, the peace and the space to write, would explode, but the love was always there, incredible love.”

Jinni, who published her first novel at 23, died of cancer aged 55, when Fiennes was 30. He says that he still feels her presence, although that could just be his “own need to feel that something”.

Does he dream about her? “Sometimes. My father too. What’s so weird is my mother died in 1993 and my father died in 2004 and yet somehow in the brain they’re restored. In the dreams, if they come, they’re completely clear, completely present and as they were. Somehow the brain has stored the memory of the voice, the person.”

Do friends ever say to him that his career has been incredibly Oedipal? I am thinking not just of Hamlet and his leaving a wife of his own age for his Gertrude, but the mother-son dynamic of Coriolanus.

“Yes, people have commented on that, and I shouldn’t be ashamed of it. I mean, Oedipal is probably how we’re wired as the sons of mothers. I don’t feel any awkwardness about there being an Oedipal element in one’s self. I think that’s quite healthy. It’s part of who you are.”

Has he been in therapy? “I had what they call psychotherapy for a little bit. It was interesting.”

Did he go because he was unhappy or because he wanted to explore himself? “I was going through a time of crisis and emotional disturbance and upset.”

Can he say about what? “No, I don’t want to.”

Having come from a noisy, competitive family, I can see why he might, in his fifties, choose the apparent solitary life that he has, living in a studio loft in east London. Since his relationship with Annis ended in 2006, there have been rumours of girlfriends, but nothing, apparently, very permanent.

“There’s living alone and being lonely. They are different things. I feel quite content, living on my own. It’s funny, isn’t it? Some people say, ‘Don’t you want children?’ And for me it’s not a negative. It’s not a dislike of children. I respect that some people do.”

I quote something that Hare has said about Fiennes, that he likes to surround himself professionally with people who love him. I wonder whether film sets and theatre companies are his substitute families.

“I think you’re in a kind of parental mode as a director, and that is your family. As an actor in a company, you’re less parental, although if you’re possibly in a leading role, there is a leadership element.”

I like the idea that he joins families of actors and, now that he is older, he becomes their father. “Yes, although I haven’t consciously thought I’m achieving parenthood that way,” he begins. And then thinks of Oleg Ivenko, the 22-year-old Ukrainian ballet dancer from whom he has conjured up a light yet intense performance in the lead role in The White Crow.

“Oleg, you see, he was a totally inexperienced actor. That was definitely a version of creative parenting, guiding him through the requirements of a feature film and a main role.”

In loco parentis, as a teacher, Fiennes, we can assume, is a Pushkin rather than a Stalin. Papa Ralph. It has a ring to it.The White Crow is out on general release