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nightswithkookmin · 4 years ago

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GOING ON A HIATUS

Thanks to everyone who's taken the time out to read my posts and has enjoyed it so far. It's really been fun and entertaining exchanging thoughts and having these much deeper ship discussions.

I thought this issue was gonna go away but I woke up this morning to more people messaging me about finding my last video analysis on several other platforms without appropriate credit.

But that's not disturbing. The disturbing part is the people sliding into people's DM'S on other platforms to get them to take down my video because they don't want people sharing my content on other platforms as they believe it would only make my blog popular.

For those worried about this whole credit business, thanks for showing this much concern for me? I really appreciate the love and concern if it's from a genuine place of concern. Thank you...

I think some of you already know this by now or might have figured it out, I am a law student, I am very much well aware what is and what isn't within my rights? Lol

I honestly didn't see this whole credit thingy as a big deal. It's not. Not to me. Lol. I repost people's photos without credit too all the time. Often, it's because I don't know who to credit and most time my lazy ass just forgets to. Lol. I think it's normal? It's inconsequential I mean.

The videos I use are usually often water marked by the appropriate owners so I don't go through the hustle of figuring this whole credit business out. If I should decide to come back here again I will check that habit of mine?

While this whole credit business is not a big deal to me, malicious slander and defamation to my character is and I don't take it lightly.

It has been brought to my attention that some Jikookers from Tumblr have since been sliding into people's DM's on other platforms asking them to take down my video and or remove the credit they give to my post.

They are telling people I am problematic, calling me the Taekook Lives of the Jikook community. That I have been spreading lies about Jikook, that the Jikook Tumblr community hates me or something like that and to further caricaturize me and make me appear more evil in order to get people to turn on me and hate me, they make up the most ridiculous lies about me claiming that I believe a notorious serial killer is innocent.

Now I have since deleted my YT account because I don't want my colleagues to find out I am into shipping too lol- shipping is a guilty pleasure of mine and I know how this fandom works unfortunately. I've been a silent part of it since 2014. I mean it's started already. The Doxing and shit.

The original post under which these replies are from couldn't save sadly as my account has been deleted but you can see from my notifications the general feel of what my interests outside shipping looks like.

I am interested in a myriad of topics, from literature, Aliens, writing, Harry Potter, history, activism, advocacy, philosophy, law, politics, NASA, and mystery and murder among other things.

My quora is mostly filled with notifications from my Book community and True crime community and often I do share my thoughts and answer questions with regards to the psychology of murderers, legal evidence, notorious villains in literature- well I guess now you know the kind of lawyer I want to be if and when I'm able to complete law school.

But what has my interest in these topics got to do with Jikook and shipping please?? How does this prove I hate Jikook and spread lies about them?

This Kookie Min Monsta person slipped into someone's DMS and asked the person who had put up my video analysis to take it down or discredit me because to her I am problematic. She is not the only one.

You want so bad to paint me black- no pun intended just to win an argument? You claim I am the evil malicious person here but I am not the one sliding into people's dms trying to take credit away from people for their hardwork, spreading hate and negative energy, making things up to manipulate people's perception of others and get them to hate and turn on them- and all because of A SHIP? Damn. This is pathetic.

Who died and made you the gatekeeper of the jikook shipping community? Honestly antics like these don't work on me try again.

I made a video commentary on my Booktube YT account- yes I am part of the book YouTube community as well sue me or better still slip into their inboxes and tell them I voted for Trump therefore I hate chipmunks.

The commentary I made on YT months ago was when I was in the highs of finding a new passion and it was on Ann Rule's book, The Stranger Besides Me- a true crime novel on Ted Bundy which I found so poorly written that at the end of the book it left with me wondering whether or not Ted Bundy was guilty at all!

The Author's writing style which deviates from most writing styles of True Crime novels I have read gave me trust issues as I stated in the video. It felt more as if she was writing a made up fictional novel than an actual True Crime novel but because she knew Ted Bundy in person she made it seem as if we just had to believe her account.

Then there was this whole thing about the police not being able to match the DNA samples taken from his rape victims, to his own Semen because his Semen was DNAless- in lay man's terms. I'll spare you the technicalities involved.

As I stated in that video, I do believe Ted Bundy was guilty but I do not have much faith in the Judicial system, or criminal procedures or even the Author of that book- a sentiment most people within the true crime community share as well. We just had differing views on whether the writer's style took away from the narrative and waters down on the extent of Bundy's guilt.

We had a Similar conversation about Chris Watt. If the community I was engaging in didn't have a problem with my commentary why do you? Please don't meddle in things you know nothing about. It's embarrassing.

The conversation about whether or not Ted Bundy is innocent is moot but a philosophical one. It has nothing to do with Ted Bundy's guilt but more so the criminal procedures involved in his case and the different accounts that exists surrounding his case.

He was electrocuted, he confessed to his crimes no damn person with brains would think or assume he is innocent and I never said anything of that nature drew any conclusions to that effect.

Besides, I moved on from Ted Bundy a long time ago. Now I am into the Serial Killer who writes death poems and signs it off with drawings of the size of his dick at his crime scenes- mind your own business please or don't and let's have an intellectual discourse about him? Lmho.

I am also into cat memes if you care to know and have a whole IG dedicated to cat memes. I believe human beings are the most dumbest species in all the galaxies and when the Aliens arrive I am snitching.

When my mind is at rest, I often wonder if Aliens have masculinity complex and if they do whether or not their masculinity is contingent on the size of their dicks or whether they have to engage in a battle to the death with an alien grizzly bear to determine who is the man.

I love BTS memes too- a little too much and often end up debating over the internet with random people over whether BTS memes are funnier than cat memes- I'm weird, true. But how does all of that make me a bad person?

It's crazy how these people can go on these other platforms to ask people to take down the credits to my posts as well as my posts itself but can't ask people who run to these other platforms with misinterpretations of my work to take those down.

Instead they come on here to call me out for people's interpretations of my work?? It doesn't work that way. You are the author of your own opinion and interpretation of other people's work. You don't call out the original author for someone's opinion of their work. If that were so I would be emailing Stephanie Meyer for Anna Todd and her After series. Get some education.

I have since blocked this person and others whose Tumblr I have been able to find thanks to all those that's helped me finding them on here.

My gf also tried reaching out to the persons who shared my post after we realised this was becoming an issue and had asked them to credit her or my blog- but honestly I don't care about that yet she won't give it a rest. Lol. My ride or die this one. Sigh.

However, we realized soon that this is not about 'stealing' credit- can't call someone out for not giving credit when I suck at that myself. Lol.

This is about people's malicious intentions and their attempts to silence me and take away my right to freedom of expression however way that they can. This is wrong and evil.

I honestly don't care for all these ship politics these people are engaged in. I've had enough intelligent conversations to know the distinction between arguments that flows from bruised egos and actual conversations around a subject matter.

This whole I am right, she is wrong politics... y'all get that the point of having an opinion is not to be right, right? We all cant have the same perspective and you can't call someone a liar for holding views that is different from yours. That is a bizarre mentality to have.

As I stated in my post, that content I made was a rebuttal to the Taekook theories running around on the internet alleging JK glared at Tae when he pulled on his shoulder because he was jealous Tae and Jin were having fun behind him. He wasn't. He was worried Tae was gonna expose him and JM holding hands behind Suga.

If you don't think they were holding hands then Taekookers were right and his reaction was because he was Jealous of Taejin I guess...

But thats your truth. That's not my truth. I don't believe Taekook is real. JK isn't jealous of Taejin he is not Twelve- but then again he was sneaking around behind Suga holding his boyfriend's hands so I guess he is twelve? Lol. Jikook!

Do you.

But please stop the evil malicious attacks and seek immediate help. There is such a thing as right and wrong and this is just plain wrong. Your Karma and chakra are in the negative nodes and you need to fix it. It is not funny anymore.

Thank you to everyone who has shown genuine concerns for me in the past few days and thank you so much for trying to stand up for me. There are good people on here and I have met and interacted with a lot of them and thank you so much for such a wonderful experience and insightful discussions.

I don't hate people because of our differences in thoughts, beliefs, opinions. There's always room for dissenting opinions in every sphere. At the very least, we can agree to disagree and shake on it. But You can't make up shit about people just to prove your opinion is right and their opinions and views which differ from yours are 'wrong.

I am not a victim though, and they are not bullies, psst. They are just vile pathetic human beings exposing the greens of their insides. What you do says more about who you are as a person and human being. And this is who they are.

Just be a nice decent human being. That's what this world needs. Fix whatever is broken inside of you and free your mind and spirit. Hate is never the answer.

I'm going to be away for a while because I have studies, work and other interests I want to pursue at the moment- it's just my AADD flaring up so if you see me henceforth raving about Nana at least you'd know why. Lol. She's wrecking my Jimin bias. Lmho.

Spread positivity, do the right thing, stand up for a good cause and keep supporting Jikook. Jikook is real.

Until we meet again.

Signed,

GOLDY

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gifsbysimplysonia · 2 years ago

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My bestie has had to hear about CE and all the dramaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah for, like, ever now. And I find her above assessment to be spot on, honestly.

It also REALLY bothers me that statements like this are being made:

"You have to realize you are coming for the wrong people."

"I implore you to stop coming for the other blogs."

Quite literally begging to be left alone; thinking that because they were alleged victims as well, their part in trying to lead OTHERS into being victims is “moot.” IF any of this is true, they still didn’t stop to critically think (the screenshots actually show that one of them was DEFENDING the alleged named scammer and saying “Let’s not turn on each other”) AND they allowed “panic and emotion” to turn THEM into tools to victimize others. They can’t just keep saying “We said sorry, let it go, go after the real scammer.” THEY PLAYED A HUGE PART. If not for them, the scam would not have gotten the attention or reached the levels it did. Go back to look at the screenshots I posted where THEY WERE TAGGING CELEBRITIES trying to get MORE eyes and MORE traction!

While all victims act differently, I can say personally if any of what’s being said happened to me, I would not be on Tumblr answering asks about other blogs, posting Fan Fiction or ads for my small biz. These actions subtract even further from the credibility. I would be focused on resolving the situation outside of the online space, and only come back when I had all the proof I could get my hands on that I could legally post and then? Whoooooo boy, I’d be posting like 17 dissertation long posts to tell the tale.

Again, y’all, just ... stay vigilant, stay suspicious, ASK ALL THE QUESTIONS, and never ever take anything at face value. MISINFORMATION is how we got here and the only way to battle it is to stay never believing anything and DOING YOUR OWN RESEARCH IN THE REAL WORLD.

Something ELSE that’s a problem here? The excuse of “what she said matched what my sources said.” These folks have proven that they occupy an ECHO CHAMBER, meaning they only allow people who think and speak like them around them. If you say anything that they don’t want to hear? You are dismissed. So if nobody is allowed to question, think differently (Remember how they call any other blogs who don’t think like them a CAA PLANT?!?!?!) or speak differently ... ONLY bad / wrong information is going to be ECHOED amongst them!!! They literally chose not to go outside of their own little circle to try and gain any type of perspective throughout this situation.

There’s responsibility they are NOT taking here. I implore all of us not to let them get away with it. So many of us were fine to let them exist in their little corner and be Delulu but now? Harm has come to others, THIS CREW PLATFORMED AND AMPLIFIED THE HARM, and an apology or perceived shared victimhood will never make that “moot.”

I am shocked and saddened by how many messages of excuse I’m seeing, alongside declarations of “I’m still supporting you.” I wish I had a bullhorn. I’m nobody and again, you shouldn’t trust me blindly, but like ... these folks who are so determined to believe what they WANT instead of what FACTS and COMMON SENSE point to ... I wish there was a way to help protect them.

But a choice is not a mistake so ... sigh.

Imagine deactivating in the midst of a scandal that calls out you and your friends. Your friends are getting roasted so you return to post "evidence" that your friends aren't guilty AND to declare "I didn't deactivate cuz we are guilty, I did it to spend time with family," only to deactivate AGAIN literal minutes after you post "proof" to exonerate your crew.

Things are still ROTTEN AT THE CIRCLE K so I implore all of you? CONTINUE TO CRITICALLY THINK. It is not at all uncommon for people who are exposed for wrong doing to turn on each other and try to scapegoat each other.

The behavior all around is still sus. A bunch of what was said is refutable

This, for example? All the screenshots I posted yesterday show that their group was pushing the "a family lost everything in a fire GFM" as early as May 24, PERHAPS EARLIER, that's just what I could find.

And now that the "proof bringer" already deactivated again 🤷🏽‍♀️ ETA: the claim is now that they were terminated mid revealing "the truth" but I've never known Tumblr to work THAT FAST with literal death threats, Nazis, etc but oooooook 🤔

I'm expected to work today or I'd continue to poke holes but, like, y'all? Please continue to critically think.

The same tactics are still being used on these blogs so REMAIN VIGILANT 🙏🏼 Stay safe and protect yourselves. Cuz if the accusation that ANYONE got over $3K out of ANY fans is true? These folks enabled that and did so because they didn't pause to ask more questions.

Believing nonsense because you want to believe it because it supports your point of view. Does that sound familiar? If you follow American politics even a little, it should!

Also, the ringleader posted

"I haven't gotten in touch with other sources given we have been dealing with CandyLove"

As a former journalism major, this is a confession to not cross checking which is a problem. Again, one stops critically thinking because they are hearing what they want to hear. I'd this statement is to say "I haven't been talking to my sources because I've been dealing with a personal situation" why does this blog continue to answer Asks about anyone being fired, unlike by family, or any other nonsense? Sigh. It just don't pass the smell test, either way *I* look at it. I implore you to remain suspicious, if for no other reason than to protect yourself and your peace.

#ce scam

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eloarei · 4 years ago

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Hiatus’d WIPs: “Touch” (bnha)

I recently had a conversation with a friend/reader about how many unfinished fics I have lying around, and it made me decide to finally make a post for each one; under the assumption that I never write any of them again, I can at least link these posts at the end of the AO3 WIPs for people who are curious how the rest of the story goes. So here we have: WIP and notes for Dekumight fic series “Touch” (including unfinished next chapter) My thoughts: This was really one of my favorites for a while. There was something really fun about writing the sort of non-verbal communication they had going on, and the deep love and also awkwardness. However, the actual story of the fic doesn’t differ much from the canon plot, which makes it a little less interesting to write, and also difficult to pick up, because frankly I don’t remember shit anymore about canon. Under the cut: (8,300 words total) 3,000 words of what would be the next chapter (ending about halfway through), then a rough draft of the second half of the chapter. After that, there’s a super-rough draft/ outline of the next several chapters, followed by a bunch of notes from when I was initially planning. NOTE: Tumblr completely destroyed all formatting, so this should be full of italics, which implies thinking, but instead you’ll just have to puzzle it out. Similarly, my notes have a bunch of bolding and some strikethrough, which probably doesn’t work either. Sorry.

Takes place directly after “Retouch” (chapter 2) :

Chapter 3

It was just a few minutes later that Toshinori was hit with a spike of pleasure that he really shouldn't have been surprised by. He was finishing up some paperwork for UA though and wouldn't be getting ready for bed for a while, so instead of following through with the echo of Izuku's intense sensation, he just took a deep calming breath and willed himself to leave it alone. However, he did take a moment to send Izuku a well-timed text saying simply, | Sleep tight |. He still wasn't sure if the boy was aware of what he was doing to him, but he figured he'd just tip him off a little bit instead of asking outright. Not yet.

Izuku responded with a cute, embarrassed | ^^; you too |, and Toshinori laughed. So he hadn't expected to be called out on it, huh? Well, they could talk about it later; maybe over the weekend, if Suzuki's papers didn't scare him off. (And even then they'd probably still want to talk about at least a few things. Even if Izuku suddenly wanted nothing to do with him, even if they never saw each other again (a chilling thought), they'd still be affecting each other like this for the rest of their lives. It warranted at least a short conversation.)

Most likely, though... Most likely it would be a long conversation they'd be having, if Toshinori's impression of Inko was anything to go by. If it were just him and Izuku, who knew if they'd ever do much serious talking. It was far too tempting to just sit side by side with their hands tangled together and feel. So, it was probably good that Izuku's mother had such a strong hand in the situation-- and it was definitely good for both of them that she was such a reasonable woman. He knew she would probably bring up all the right topics (the things he still hadn't really researched; Suzuki wasn't going to be pleased with his ignorance), and ask all the right questions, and be super tactful about the whole thing, so he didn't fret about it, focusing instead on just getting through the week.

Easier said than done, he'd have told you, if you asked him at any point during those next few days, but eventually it was done, and he was standing outside the Midoriyas' apartment door with a briefcase in one hand and the other poised to knock. But before he could make a sound, the door opened, and Izuku was standing there, looking up at him with the brightest eyes.

“Hi,” he said, the simple word both enthusiastic and shy. His smile was impossibly wide, sending his freckles up into his eyes. “I, um, I could tell you were there,” he answered, before Toshinori could even ask how he'd known to open the door. Without further ado, Izuku reached out and took his hand, leading him into the apartment. They both breathed deep, relieved sighs as soon as they touched. Three days had just been too much.

Inside, Inko was doing dishes. “Oh, Toshinori, hi,” she said, looking over her shoulder. “I'll be done here in just a minute. Izuku said you have some papers for us to look at?”

“At my manager's insistence,” he explained. Guided by Izuku, he took a seat next to him at the kitchen table, their hands still joined, and set the briefcase up where his other hand could find what he needed. He pulled the stack of papers out and set them in the middle of the table.

“How's your week been?” Izuku asked quietly, as they waited for Inko to join them.

“It's been fine,” Toshinori answered, though the emotion rolling around in his chest said 'I missed you', and he was fairly sure Izuku could feel it.

The boy squeezed his hand at the feeling and replied, “Me too,” in response to the unspoken sentiment.

Drying her hands off on a dishtowel, Inko sat down across from them and gave the pair of them an appraising (but ultimately approving) look, before she slid the stack of papers over to her. “What have we got here?” she asked, apparently rhetorically, as she didn't wait for Toshinori to attempt to explain. She read through each page carefully and then passed it over to Izuku, who seemed mildly surprised but also read each one before sliding it over to Toshinori. (He skimmed them again for familiarity's sake, but he'd already read through them in detail with Suzuki a day or two before.)

Other than a 'hmm' here and there, Inko didn't make any comments until they were through the entire stack, which took about an hour. (Although she did stop to tell Toshinori to make himself at home, when she realized he might be thirsty or something.) It was a very quiet hour, and it would have been unnerving for Toshinori if he hadn't still had Izuku latched onto him, feeding him wisps of emotion as he read.

Once they'd gone through the whole stack, Inko started over from the beginning, and began to point out little details here and there and ask questions.

“I think most of it is reasonable enough,” she said. “We're not entitled to any of your income or royalties; that's fine. And we can't talk to the media about you. I'm alright with that. Izuku?”

Izuku nodded. “That's okay. I wasn't going to.”

“But this part here--” She pointed at it. “--says we're not allowed to tell anyone about the situation at all unless we have express written permission. That seems sort of... broad.”

Toshinori looked at the passage that Inko had indicated. “Uh, right. I told Suzuki I didn't think it was necessary, but he claims it's a safety precaution.”

“For you,” Inko said, and she did sound accusatory, but not overly much. “What happens if we break the contract? Suing us won't get you very much.”

“I wouldn't do that,” Toshinori tried to say, but Inko continued on.

“What if we need to tell someone and you're not around to give us permission? Like, Izuku's doctors? It just seems unreasonable. Dangerous, even. I get that you want to protect your status, but--”

Toshinori could feel Izuku begin to speak before he could hear the sound. “It's fine, mom,” he said. “It's not just for him. It's to protect us too. Remember that story a couple years ago? There was that lady who was kidnapped by villains because they thought they could use her to get to her husband?”

Inko pursed her lips, a slightly sour face. She clearly remembered the story, and how the woman had been tortured just to hurt her husband. Toshinori remembered it too; it had made him sick. It would have made anyone sick, especially anyone who was close to their soulmate.

“That's probably what Mr. Suzuki was thinking of,” Izuku added softly, and Toshinori could tell that he didn't quite believe in Suzuki's altruism (hard for him to, when he could feel Toshinori's own skepticism about the man), but that he did still believe the reasoning was fair.

A bit subdued, Inko nodded. “Well of course we won't go around telling everyone. I... just think it's a little silly to have to get it in writing like this.”

“You're right,” Toshinori said, shaking his head. “Leave that one, then. I'll get Suzuki to take it out.”

It went like that for another hour or so, Inko pointing out things she wasn't sure about and Toshinori mostly telling her to just cross them out, because honestly, Suzuki was going to be pissed, but who cared? There was no one in the world who mattered more right now than Izuku, and that necessarily made his mother pretty important too. Toshinori would do whatever it took to make them comfortable, and his manager could just deal with it.

By the time they were done, they'd tossed out about half of the papers and scratched through parts of most of the rest of them, and were left with a reasonable list of promises that read roughly like this:

The Midoriyas could not talk to the media about All Might, and they couldn't knowingly do anything that would jeopardize his career, and Izuku couldn't act in any way that would hinder All Might's ability to do his job as a hero. That was pretty much it, though the basic meaning was hidden in so many superfluous details that it had their heads spinning.

As for Toshinori, he would not infringe upon the Midoriyas' anonymity, or use his status to coerce or extort them in any way, and he would be responsible for any financial issues that resulted from their connection (including, but not limited to, doctor's bills and lawyer's fees).

Honestly though, they all knew that these were pretty moot points. If Izuku or his family broke any of these rules, there was really nothing that All Might's lawyers could do about it. And if All Might failed to uphold his end of the bargain, the Midoriyas could take him to court for it, but it would be inviting far more trouble than it was worth.

More than anything, though, they trusted each other enough for this whole paper-signing situation to be mostly just laughable. Getting the papers to Suzuki was not a high priority (well, he might have thought so, but he was a failure of a manager if he actually expected such a quick turnaround, after all these years), so Toshinori didn’t hurry off, instead offering to take the two out for lunch. “Oh, thank you, Toshinori,” Inko said sweetly, “but I’ve got some work to finish up. Why don’t you two go out and take advantage of the nice day?” At his elbow, Toshinori could feel Izuku’s slight surprise echoing against his own. Although Inko had only been supportive so far, they still couldn’t help expecting that she was going to try to keep them apart-- though maybe they were just projecting their reasonable fears about society onto the only other person who knew just yet. But whether or not she might be more strict about them seeing each other in the future, she seemed fine with it just now, and they were grateful. “Thanks,” Izuku told her with a sunny grin, while Toshinori nodded in agreement. “Want us to bring you anything?” Inko shook her head. “Just be back before it’s late! And stay safe!” They promised they’d be careful (in every possible way), and left the apartment together, walking close by but with their hands in their respective pockets-- the safest place for them, when they would have wandered if left to their own devices, gravitated naturally toward each other and the fulfilling feeling they provided. “So what did you think of the papers?” Toshinori asked, a relevant icebreaker to start conversation once they were on their way. “I hope they didn’t seem too strict.” Izuku grinned, and drifted close enough to bump their arms together. “They seemed fine,” he said, apparently unbothered by them. “Honestly, I’d sign whatever I had to. It’s already crazy that I even got to meet you. So, whatever I have to do now… I’ll do it.” That smile was an absolute slice of sunshine, and if Toshinori wasn’t warm just by their proximity, it would have done the job.

They wandered for some time, down towards the city center where they might find something for lunch (maybe something other than ramen, so they could expand the list of foods they knew they both liked), chatting a little. The topics were never anything consequential; Toshinori thought Izuku was still a little nervous around him and wasn’t sure what to say. He understood the feeling, even without a physical link, rather feeling that way himself. But Izuku also had the natural anxiousness of the young and quirkless (he remembered feeling that way), so Toshinori tried to guide the conversation in comfortable directions. Heroes were always a safe topic, and one with no end of iterations. They’d walked a few casual miles, keeping their attention slightly on their surroundings in case a good restaurant caught their eye, and were in the middle of discussing Kamui Woods when something else caught their attention. In the distance a block or so, there was a crowd gathered, their exclamations and worried murmurs rising to a concerning pitch just as an explosion shook the area. Many of the citizens shrieked and ran for cover, but plenty of them were still huddled around in a nervous fashion, like people observing either a train wreck or a predator from which prey could have no hope of escaping. Toshinori became aware of Izuku latching on to his arm more than he strictly felt it, the young man’s concern bleeding over into him and mixing with his own. He could feel Izuku’s natural empathy coming strong through the connection, something he’d only glimpsed the times before. There was something happening nearby, something that frightened and worried everyone; should he help? What could he even do? Should he stay out of the way? After all, they’d only just found each other, and to lose Toshinori now would be devastating; to be found out might be even worse! Izuku would hate himself if he ruined All Might’s career by causing a scandal, but he couldn’t just sit back if someone was in danger and, ahh, if only he had powers, if only he could do more than cling and be a burden to his soulmate and-- Oh, Toshinori thought. These were not his fears; they were Izuku’s. It was Izuku’s desire to help whoever might be in trouble, his desire and his desire and that was right, he wanted to help too. Of course he did. He was a hero, wasn’t he? There was only so worried he could be for his own safety and his reputation and Izuku shouldn’t worry either because it would be okay and I am here and it was amazing-- he really was the right one for him. The perfect soulmate, and maybe something more, but that was something he could think of later. The screams were louder now, and the worried murmurs too, and as an explosion shook the windows of a building half a block down they agreed they couldn’t turn away, not when there was a chance they could do something, anything. Even if there was no power left, it was still his duty, and he didn’t have to do this but yes he did. “You’re at your limit?” Izuku asked, glancing up at him through his fluffy bangs, concern bleeding out of him through more than just their physical connection. It couldn’t have been much more than a guess, but from his expression Toshinori could see that Izuku somehow knew it, like an intuition.

He nodded. “Essentially,” he replied. He wasn’t sure how to explain it in detail, but hoped a more nuanced understanding of it would flow through their bond. “I always have a reserve amount, but it’s… not much.” Izuku seemed to get it. “Maybe we can just… go see, if there’s something we can do.” That seemed fair; that seemed like the least they could do. Maybe there was something, some way to help. Inspired by each other, they jogged over to the scene and the crowd surrounding whatever trainwreck was keeping their attention so strongly. Toshinori froze down to his veins when they saw what was the cause of the commotion. It was a mutant; the same mutant he was sure he’d captured just the other day. Yes, he’d been distracted by Izuku’s presence, but he distinctly remembered turning the water bottle full of sludge over to the police before absconding with his new soulmate up to the rooftop. Izuku’s arm brushed Toshinori’s as he stepped closer in a subconscious bid at safety. How had the mutant escaped? Was it perhaps a different man after all? A twin, or someone with the same quirk? Had Izuku done something wrong? Distracted All Might from his task and caused the villain to escape? Was it the police’s fault? He glanced down at Izuku, who glanced up at him, and Toshinori shook his head. It’s not your fault, he said wordlessly, or Don’t worry about all that. And Izuku nodded, back on track after a momentary lapse of focus. How and why the mutant was here was of little concern. They both turned back to the scene at hand. “Okay, stand back and I’ll try to handle this,” Toshinori said, looking down at Izuku in a way he hoped was reassuring, and knowing anyway that he didn’t have to; Izuku could feel his determination, and every little ounce of worry that things might not go as planned. It was a nuance that Toshinori had learned to deal with in his life, and it was something Izuku was going to have to deal with as well. (Though given the boy’s penchant for overthinking, perhaps it wouldn’t be that much of a trial after all.) “Do you have enough energy?” Izuku asked nervously, obviously not wanting… well, all the things that could go wrong if Toshinori ran out at the wrong time. Toshinori laughed in soft self-depreciation. “Probably not,” he admitted. “But I’ll do what I can. That’s what it means to be a hero, right?” With Izuku’s arm still brushing his, he could feel the boy’s admiration, and it doubled in him and gave rise to a heroic rush he didn’t think he’d felt for years. Still, he waited for the right moment. That was another thing about being a hero; you couldn’t rush in blindly (not with his level of experience, anyway). He watched as the mutant swung his head around, like a cornered animal watching viciously for its enemies, and he could just about guess when it was going to let its guard down. Almost… he thought, his muscles tensing in anticipation. But just as he was about to spring forward, he felt a twinge of panic from Izuku’s side of the connection. It was a spike of recognition. Kacchan!

The roughest of drafts:

Izuku freaks out and runs to try to rescue him and they're all surprised when he actually manages to do some slight damage to the mutant; it's not enough to defeat him, but enough to stun him into dropping Bakugo, at which point Toshi transforms and rushes to finish him off. Tl;dr, turns out that a very tiny amount of Toshi’s power has become available to Izuku. (Make some note of the pain aspect, Toshi feeling Izuku’s pain from using OfA.)

Afterward, when Toshi is talking to reporters (and Izuku has managed to avoid at least a little of the reprimanding from canon, due to appearing to have some power) Izuku can feel the discomfort, Toshi’s power draining. Perhaps he plays the fan, comes to shake his hand as thanks for saving him and they're both a little surprised that it eases the discomfort, seems to give Toshi back a little strength. Izuku had just done it as an instinct, but in light of what had just happened with the power sharing, they're both very curious how this whole soulmate thing is going to work.

Toshi excuses himself from the crowd before too long and goes to find Izuku. He finds him being confronted by Bakugo, who knows that something is strange but doesn't know what (and is upset like in canon about Izuku trying to help him). Toshi tries to stay out of sight until Bakugo runs off, feeling that Izuku is confident enough in his ability to handle this. When they rejoin, Izuku explains who Bakugo is.

“[But enough about that.] Are you okay?”

They join hands. Toshi can feel that Izuku is fine but still he says, “It's you I'm concerned about. Do you know what you did back there?”

“That was your quirk,” he said, and Toshi nodded.

“Some of it, at least. Is your arm okay?”

Izuku stretched his arm out, wiggling his fingers. “It aches a little, but I'm okay. I'm just… I've never done anything like that before. It felt… kind of amazing.”

Toshi could tell that it was a little more than an ache, but that Izuku wasn't lying. It really wasn't hurting him much, and he was really feeling exhilarated. He remembered feeling like that when he first took the quirk himself.

Izuku’s side of the connection was curious and Toshi realized he could feel him thinking about his past. He debated with himself for a minute. Was this the right time to tell Izuku about his past? He would have to tell him some time, and there was no reason to wait. “I felt the same way the first time I used it,” he said. “When my mentor gave it to me. I was about your age.”

The feeling of surprise that Izuku emanated was not as much of a shock as he expected, more of a warm melting feeling, a soft realization. “You were ...quirkless? Someone gave you your quirk? But how?”

Toshi tells the story as they head back to the apartment, but they take a detour to sit somewhere and finish talking. (Way before this, Izuku texts his mom to tell her what happened and that they're fine and they'll be home in a while.) It's gotten dark by the time Toshi has finished telling of Nana and AfO and needing to pass OfA on, and they're sitting on a bench in a corner of a park or something.

“It was just an idea before,” Toshi says, “but now I'm pretty sure it's the right one. Would you be willing to take it? One for All?”

The surprise this time really is a shock, and it nearly knocks the breath out of him. “...Really?”

“You can tell I'm serious,” Toshi says with a smirk, and then he nods. “Yes. Really. It's the only thing that makes sense.”

He thinks of the reasons: he needs to pass it on, and Izuku wants a quirk, needs one to get into UA. And he's defenseless without one, a real danger with them together now. And he's already shown that he can handle it, at least a little.

“Should I think about it?” Izuku asks, looking unsure. He's probably thinking about all the things they talked about with his mother earlier, trying to be careful. But Toshi can tell he really wants it, and that's enough for him.

“If you want,” he says. “Take your time.” He knows that Izuku will say yes. (He's less sure if Inko will agree, but he knows that between the two of them, they can convince her.)

He can feel Izuku trembling, and it's with excitement he thinks. “Thank you,” Izuku says, almost breathlessly, and he leans forward and kisses Toshi, softly and quickly, and then looks him in the eyes for a short moment, twists his body in his direction more and leans in for another kiss. This one is a little deeper, lingering, not obscene but less than entirely chaste and Toshi can feel so so much through it, especially as he allows himself to kiss back. They don't take it far; Toshi can feel that Izuku knows there are boundaries, though Toshi is nervous about himself, unsure if he would be able to keep himself from crossing them, to stop when it was time. He's a bit anxious, but he's glad Izuku is reasonable, and he's excited and he's happy and they're melting into each other even though they've stopped kissing and it is finally Izuku who speaks up to interrupt them getting stuck in their twofold thoughts.

“I should get home. I have to tell my mom about all this. Am I… Can I tell her? About OfA?”

Toshi nods. “It's a big part of all of this. I guess she should know. And that'll give you a chance to talk it over with her. Decide if you want it.”

‘I do want it,’ he could tell Izuku was thinking, although maybe not in so many words. Izuku was trying to be patient and make smart decisions. He was doing his best to be worthy of being Toshi’s soulmate, and Toshi was overcome with affection for him. He hugged him close, and even more than the kissing, that was the most they'd ever felt, the most contact they'd ever made. It was less electric than kissing, but like an overblown, overexposed photo. They stayed there like that for a little while before they silently agreed to get up and go back.

The end of chapter 3, more or less.

Chapter four.

Izuku took a week to act like he was thinking about it, but in truth he'd decided almost immediately, and convinced his mom that it was a good idea (or that she should let him do it at least) on that first night, after Toshi had walked him home and said goodbye.

“Izuku! I saw on the news about that mutant attack! You're really alright? And Toshinori, and Katsuki?”

“We're fine mom! Toshinori saved us. But…” A pause. “With dad, have you ever… accidentally used his quirk before?”

She raised an eyebrow at him, looking a little worried. “I can feel when he's using it, but i've never breathed fire myself.”

Yeah, it wasn't anything he'd ever heard of before. Maybe it was because most people's quirks weren't that strong. Maybe it was because he was quirkless. Maybe… well there were a lot of reasons it could be. It didn't matter that much why; it had happened, and they'd both felt it.

“I used it. All Might’s power. Just a little bit of it.”

“Are you okay?”

He said he was fine, he thought, but Inko was skeptical. She remembered some times when he was younger, when he thought an injury was less serious than it was. She convinced him to go to the doctor tomorrow and he agreed, dismissively as he was so invested in telling her about Toshinori’s offer. She's a bit nervous about the idea but it doesn't take long for her to give in.

At the doctor's tomorrow (maybe only mentioned, not a scene) it turns out that Izuku did in fact fracture a bone in his arm. (Is a cast needed for that? Probably not.)

Later that afternoon, Toshinori texted him and asked if he was okay; his arm felt a little off. Izuku responds casually that it was just a fracture and he's fine, and Toshi fusses over him a little, apologizes for putting him in that situation. Izuku really is not bothered by it. Toshi doesn't ask if Izuku has decided and Izuku wonders if he's changed his mind. A week later, he says that he's decided to take OfA, if he's still offering it, and Toshi says that he'd be happy to give it to him, if he's really sure. But! There's no way Izuku is going to be able to handle it in his current state. They begin to train (though not until Izuku’s fracture heals). In the meantime, Izuku continues school, and Toshi continues work, and they see each roughly every weekend. Sometimes they'll meet out for lunch or sometimes Inko invites Toshi over for dinner.

(Cover some catch up. Mention Suzuki being annoyed about the edits to the paperwork etc)

It's a few weeks before they start to train, but of course it's much less covert than in canon. Inko knows exactly where they're going; Toshi has discussed it with them over dinners and such. He doesn't tell them that his plan is for Izuku to clean up the trash on the beach until they get there though.

The next several months are a more efficient training than canon. After Toshi is pretty sure Izuku has grown strong enough, they try the power-share again, and Izuku is able to start using the very tiny percentage of OfA, sometimes. It works if he's recently been in physical contact with Toshi, and fades after a minute or two. It's not enough to do anything very heroic, but it is a significant boost to Izuku’s natural strength, allowing him to move items several times his normal weight limit.

(They also find that Izuku can actually use a version of OfA that is more than twice as powerful as his tiny version, only if Toshi is currently in contact with him. However, Izuku hurt himself the first time they did that, so they avoid it until much later.)

They still don't have a perfect grasp on Izuku’s ability to handle it by the time they transfer it to him, but it's better than canon, and they do it earlier so he has more chance to practice. He has at least some ability to use it at half-power before the entrance exam (chapter 5). The only reason he hurts himself so badly there is because he freaked out and wasn't careful.

Training is pretty fun for them. It's more like play than in canon, with Izuku showing off, carrying Toshi around, silly stuff like that. He's moderately less concerned about being a hero, mostly because Toshi is so constantly encouraging so he doesn't worry about it. And he knows that even if he doesn't make it somehow, he's still got Toshi and nothing can take that away.

Aside from training, they still spend a good amount of time together. Events and holidays and such. Izuku meets Suzuki. Toshi invites Izuku (and probably Inko) to his place once or twice, though they still spend most of their time out or at the Midoriyas’ apartment. Inko politely requests that they not stay at Toshi’s place. (She isn't /too concerned, but she just wants them to know that she has some kind of expectations about how they'll handle their relationship. She half expects Izuku to go behind her back in some of those regards.)

Izuku has his 15th birthday not long after they start training (might have to look this one up) or thereabouts. He has mixed emotions about this, and about inviting Toshi to his ‘party’ (probably just a fancy-ish dinner with his mother (maybe dad too?) Since he doesn't have any friends). He wants Toshi there, of course, but he's somewhat embarrassed about still being only 15, and doesn't want to draw attention to it. On the other hand, he's also excited to be getting older, closer and closer to the age that it would be appropriate for he and Toshi to act however they liked. (This birthday scene goes in early middle of chapter.)

More holidays: Christmas, new years, Valentine's day. Maybe just slight mentions of those.

Chapter ends when Toshi wishes Izuku luck at the entrance exam. He kisses him and Izuku is a little shocked because Toshi is rarely if ever the one to initiate that sort of thing. He heads to the exam, excited and confident.

Chapter 5.

Toshi heads to UA (potentially along with Izuku), and goes to watch the exam with his fellow teachers. He's met them several times and they know about his injury and resting form, but only Nedzu knows that Izuku is his soul mate. Most of the others are familiar enough with him to know that he doesn't have one, and many assume that he's one of the few who will never have one.

When the exam starts though, they might be able to tell that he is on edge, excited but nervous. However, they are all focused as well. It's not until Izuku smashes the robot (and everyone is shocked) and Toshi reacts to the pain that they notice the connection between them. He's not incapacitated (like Izuku is) but he is distressed and in pain and having to deal with the commotion from the other teachers. (Choose one teacher to perhaps help him out.)

As soon as he's able, he goes to Izuku. (At some point he calls Inko to let her know what's happened, and she's worried and upset and he has to talk her down until she realizes that he's upset too.) In the infirmary, Izuku is knocked out, which Toshi already knew, could tell because the pain subsided very quickly. Chiyo looks up when he comes in, obviously connecting the dots.

“He made quite a mess of himself,” she tells him, pulling up a chair next to Izuku’s bed for him. She tells him the details of what Izuku broke. “But he'll recover.”

“Thank you,” Toshi says, reaching out to carefully run his hands over Izuku’s arm, laying his hand on the side of his face, thinking about if this was a good idea, etc.

Eventually, Izuku wakes up and they talk. A few people might come by in the meantime. Izuku is eventually clear to go home. Toshi takes him. Izuku asks if he passed, knowing that Toshi was there, and all Toshi can say is that he thought he did a good job, but he doesn't know for sure. (He later finds out that Izuku scored quite well, but refrains from telling him, letting Izuku get the letter from the school.)

He gets a phone call from Izuku after the letters have gone out, and he can feel a sense of excitement even before he picks up. Izuku is crying on the other end. “Why didn't you tell me I made it?!” But he is obviously extremely happy.

Out on patrol or something, Toshi can't stop grinning for the rest of the day. When someone asks him, he just says that he's excited for new opportunities.

Chapter 6

Izuku and Toshi both begin at UA. Izuku has already made friends with a few people from the exam, and of course he knows Bakugo. Bakugo is extra suspicious of him, confused about how he's got a quirk suddenly, and knowing that he's been acting strange the whole past year. He might even suspect that they're both related to izuku’s soul mate, considering the timing.

School is, of course, plenty for them to focus on, but izuku and Toshi are still very focused on each other as well. Toshi treats izuku much the same as in canon, inviting him for lunch and etc, “playing favorites”. But since the other teachers know they're soulmates (at least, some do?) they don't criticize him quite as much for it.

Toshi and izuku continue to progress in their relationship, lightly, balancing their personal and professional relationships. They act very casual around each other and have to be careful not to be too casual in front of the class.

Izuku makes friends, which is sort of new for him. He loves them and wants to be open with them about his situation, but he can't. He's thought about telling, but he knows he can't break the rules they set. It's harder when perhaps the rumor (true rumor? What do you call that?) goes around about how he was affected by the soul link pain when he was little. He can easily tell his friends that it's not bad anymore, but it's hard having to pretend he doesn't know who it is. (Also may have to decide about sub-pairings? Otherwise it will be very hard for any of the other students to talk about their experiences. If they had mates in the class (like most ships) they would likely find out very quickly.)

Most people won't immediately assume it's All Might, even if they spend a lot of time together.

Key point: they hone their energy sharing, as Toshi becomes a bit exhausted some days. Simply being in contact for a while (lunch or something) acts as a recharge for him. When the other staff figure this out, they're much more accepting of izuku hanging out in the staff lounge.

(Need to rewatch to see what the first few weeks are like.)

Maybe include some scenes with Inko.

Chapter 7

This is the USJ incident. Toshi gets caught up in work and is late to help at USJ, but less late than in canon because he feels/hears Izuku crying out for him. Don't have to describe most of the USJ events because it's from Toshi POV, but have to decide when he gets there and if it all goes more smoothly.

The way that Toshi and izuku act towards each other (calling by their first names, extreme familiarity and working together) is what starts to tip off some of the students, though it's not relevant at the time.

The encounter is a little easier this time, with the power-share (this is probably the first time they try it out seriously) and the desperation to save each other (and the others) echoing between them.

Any character who takes notice of their bond and quirk in canon is likely to notice the soul link instead.

After the incident, emotions are running high. This was the first time they were honestly scared of losing each other. They want to hold each other for a very long time. Perhaps they are seen by some of the students (who maybe chalk it up to generic relief over the situation, but would definitely file it away for later). Later, they still don't want to let each other go, and perhaps spend their first night together (not necessarily sexual or anything), Inko having not allowed them to do so before.

Emotional wrap-up; they're scared but calmed by each other's presence. They know they can handle the future together.

END? (of this particular story, probably) Brainstorming, notes, and ideas for further fics in the series

And the notes below: (my shorthand for the characters is IM = Izuku Midoriya, AM= All Might, IMmom = Inko (not shorthand in that case I know lol, I think I didn’t want people reading over my shoulder)) >>>"Touch" sequel

A lot of people actually expressed an interest in this, so let me jot down my ideas-- as well as their ideas.

AM and IM have met, and now keep in touch. How has this changed their lives? Well now whenever they feel a strange pain, they'll call or text each other to make sure they're okay. They're both aware of what their relationship would be, if IM was older, and so is his mom, and so is pretty much everyone else that knows. In fact, most people assume that they're 'together' anyway, and it causes some tension. They try to keep it mostly under wraps, but it's nearly impossible. IM's friends and classmates are sure to notice, and AM's manager thinks maybe they should just come out with it. For their part, IM and AM just want to enjoy each others' presence and keep their moral concerns personal. IM is of course more brave (between the two of them), while AM knows he's 'supposed' to refrain. In public, they're both very good about it.

Some time in the future, after they've really adjusted to each other, and the drama (at least from their friends and family) has died down, they take to being heroes together, as they at some point realize how much more receptive they are when they're together/touching.

Questions! :

--Does IM still get OfA? (I'm leaning towards yes? Most of the rest of the story wouldn’t make sense if he didn’t.)

--How do friends/family react? Some people are jealous? BK particularly? IMmom is as supportive as possible, but she still worries for IM. As time goes on, if IM get OfA, she worries for AM too. (What about AM's cop friend?? I dunno, haven't thought about him much.)

--How do media/people react? Manager wants to tell, because he knows people will find out and it's better to come out with it before they do. But AMIM want to stay private. Perhaps at the tournament, it is no longer possible to avoid media attention. Someone notices AM's discomfort when IM fights TS, notices IM look to the stands for AM before doing something reckless. When they find out, it's all anyone wants to talk about. AM's thin form becomes very useful for avoiding the media.

--Perhaps around then, IM is kidnapped to be used against AM?

--When things are calm, AMIM often text each other just to talk-- sometimes in the night. "I miss you" IM texts. "Is that what you were thinking of?" AM asks, aware that IM is awake and wound up, and winding him up too. This is before they've really worked out how things are supposed to go between them. IM is bold; AM is holding himself back.

-- IM goes to UA, begins to use quirk. -- AMIM work harder at managing IM’s abilities than in canon, because its effects are more obvious on them. -- AM starts at UA as a teacher; AMIM have to hide their link. IM has not told anyone. AM had to tell the staff. -- When the villains attack, AM gets there sooner, as he’s tipped off by their link. Things happen about the same. -- (Should I bother to include that part if nothing is significantly different? Leaning towards no. Maybe just touch on it.) -- At the tournament, that’s when people take notice of AMIM’s link. (IM’s friends have already begun to notice.) -- After that, it’s all anybody wants to talk about. AMIM are in the spotlight, though UA tries to protect them. -- The media begins to gossip about them, some piecing the puzzle together about their quirks. Some guess that IM is AM’s son (and has inherited his quirk). (It’s not unheard of for family to be platonic soulmates.) -- Manager makes them come out with an official statement finally, despite their reluctance. -- IM receives many invitations to intern with heroes. For safety’s sake, they turn them all down, except Torino. -- IM goes to train with Torino, covertly, while AM stays behind to deal with the PR mess. -- Things happen about as usual. Maybe only touch on this part as well? Not super relevant to the AU. -- IM thinks about AM during the fight with HK, and AM wants to get to him, knowing something is wrong, but knows he won’t make it in time. (Remember, “Touch” was 3rd person limited-omniscient. POV can be from IM, AM, and other relevant characters.) -- Would AM be allowed to test IM during the midterms? Maybe gloss over that part. Especially towards the end of Season 2, go more vaguely into the ending, to avoid making it obvious that you have no idea what happens after that. XD; Isolate the emotional core of the story (the emotional drama or problem) to solve in the final scenes, even if it avoids canon entirely. That’s preferable, in fact. Points to write, unrelated to canon occurrences: : -- AMIM want to spend a lot of time together, but they must balance their responsibilities. IMmom is pretty understanding and allows them a lot of freedom. -- Manager (needs name) is less understanding, hounds them to release a press statement. -- Most of their time together is spent in private or secluded places. Obvs, they frequent the beach for training. -- They often text and talk to each other on the phone, nightly if they haven’t seen each other. -- AM is still struggling a little bit with the fact that IM is so young, but he’s impressed by IM’s emotional maturity. -- IM is over the moon about AM, not enduring nearly the moral struggle AM is. He’s not an idiot, and he’s not oblivious, but he doesn’t think that there’s anything particularly wrong with them messing around a little. He’s considerate enough not to wind AM up when he’s busy or they’re in public, although sometimes he can’t help how he feels. (Being ‘turned on’ isn’t really strong enough of a feeling to cross the link; only acting on it is.) -- For his part, AM (at first, at least) tries not to touch himself, or at least only when he thinks IM is sleeping. Eventually they come to the conclusion that that’s not working out well-- and the most logical way to handle it, so as not to inconvenience either of them, is to go at the same time/ at set times. -- That is the most AM allows them to do (hugging/cuddling is totally fine, limited kissing is okay), and even that seems like too much to him, but he compromises with himself because he knows it would be worse if he didn’t. (It’s not as if he’s going to convince a 16-year-old to stop touching himself for 2+ years, and though his own urges are less frequent, it’s been uncomfortable trying to hold back entirely.) He doesn’t allow them to touch each other, and IM is actually pretty okay with this. Well, he respects it, at least. He’s just happy to have AM in whatever capacity he can. Some notes regarding the universe: -- laws regarding consent ages are a bit more lax, given the soulmate thing. AMIM would be more-or-less within their right to do whatever they want with each other, as long as IMmom is okay with it. And even if she weren’t, they could apply to be married, even at IM’s young age, by passing a test that proves they’re soulmates.(I don't think they'll do this. Manager would have a heart attack. ...then again, maybe he'd like the idea…) -- however, there is still certainly a stigma about age-difference relationships, particularly where one party is underage.

Story 1 plot points to mention our resolve:

-- telling IM that his mom already knew

-- AM coming to terms with IM being a fan

-- AM telling IM his real name

-- AM telling manager about IM immediately. (Might be a good point to start with.)

To time skip or not to time skip? I'm leaning towards not. New outline, after I've written a bit.

1. AM talks to manager, Suzuki, and tells him about the whole situation, almost entirely honest. They decide to keep it a secret until AM has a successor. (AM POV)

2. AMIM go on a date, where they talk about both applying to UA. IM wonders what AM is not telling him. They hold hands. AM brings up the paperwork Suzuki wants them to sign, and IM agrees. (IM POV)

3. AM sees something that convinces him to offer OFA to IM. (AM POV)

4. IM begins to train for OfA. (IM POV)

5. IM goes to UA entrance exam. (AM POV)

6. They begin at UA, and try to figure out how to act around each other, after they've had so much private time over the past months. (IM POV)

7. The villains attack UA, AMIM touch-team to beat them, and people start to really put their relationship together. (AM POV)

END S1. Ugh how did this get so long that I have to separate it by season?!

Touch2 titles:

Some related words: Touch, feel, sense, sensation, emotion, Touch, touched, touching, touches, touchstone, touch-tone, aftertouch, finishing touch, retouch, out of touch, in touch, untouched, Touched can mean: physically touched (he touched my arm), lightly mentioned (he touched upon the issue), emotionally moved (he was touched by the story), brought together metaphorically (their lives touched), affected (his life was touched by his decisions) Touch, taste, smell, see, hear

Leaning towards using other ‘touch’ words for different parts of overall story.

Touch - original story

Retouch(ed) - this story

Touch-up - maybe the next part

Finishing touch - the last story (though there might be another in between)

Untouchable - first nsfw side story, before izuku is of age, on the phone with each other, feeling the echoes of their actions.

Untouched - second nsfw side story, when izuku comes of age and they finally get together physically.

Aftertouch - epilogue (years in future, maybe, working together)

In touch - side stories taking place in the timeline of the story

Out of touch - side stories taking place before or after story, or from different character's point of view or about different characters.

Chapter quotes: Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity.

-Edwin Hubbell Chapin (Chapter 1, Retouch) The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.

-Helen Keller The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this: a human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive. To him, a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death. Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create - so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning, his very breath is cut off from him. He must create, must pour out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency he is not really alive unless he is creating.

-Pearl Buck Aim for your star, no matter how far, you must reach high above and touch your life with love, you must never look back, but charge on! Attack! See your goal your star of desire, see it red hot, feel it burning, you must be obsessed with it to make it your true yearning, be ready my friends for when you truly believe it, you will certainly achieve it and by all of God’s universal laws you will always receive it!

-Bob Smith We do not do well except when we know where the best is and when we are assured that we have touched it and hold its power within us. (lol god this one is awfully literal)

-Joseph Joubert If you can learn from hard knocks, you can also learn from soft touches.

-Carolyn Kenmore, Mannequin: My Life as a Model When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.

-Henri Nouwen And that’s everything I’ve got about Touch/Retouch! I might clean up that third chapter and post it some day, but *shrug*.

#elo fics #Dekumight #long post

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cometoceantrenches · 4 years ago

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2021 has come...

So it’s already the New Years here. I’m sorry if this message is kinda late— we had a midnight feast and I drank so I was a little tipsy for a while lmao

ANYWAYS

I’ve been here on tumblr for quite a while, five years (well six now it’s a new year) but only recently started to really interact with people. I came back onto tumblr, having no idea what it would be like. Had the views changed? What do people talk about now?

Despite becoming active in the later months, I've never been so grateful to have met so many amazing people. 2020 sucked, I'm not gonna lie, but you've all made it better! Thank you so much for welcoming me and giving me a chance to interact with you all and become your friend/mutual.

Hopefully, we can look forward to a better new year and hope that things will turn around in 2021. I'm not really good with words, but I want you all to know that I love you all and I'm so thankful to have y'all as my friends 💕💕🥺🥺

I’m not good with words but here’s what i wanna say to each of my moots:

@n-a-r-t Hey rocky! First of all, thank you so much for being my first moot here on tumblr. I think you were my only friend then (wow it sounds so pathetic hbsjnks) but yes. I’m really grateful for meeting you. Also, I’m sorry I’m not answering snapchat- i deleted it cos it was taking up too much space :’))) Hopefully we can still talk <3

@tackygloo Hey Aura/Maddy! Even tho we don’t talk as much, I’ve always looked forward to our conversations with each other. I’m so glad we were able to get to know each other more and discover each others’ interests outside of RDR. Thanks for introducing me to Dreamcatcher by the way, my life as a Kpop stan has been different since. Ily!

@seacottons Since Mei, is my sister I guess that makes you my mom? LMAO- anyways, I’m super grateful to have met you even though it was late into the year. Your words have really encouraged me not to write but to get back to drawing as well. Speaking of which, your talent in both is really astounding. I’m so glad you’re so open in sharing and encouraging others. I really look up to you with that ;^; Keep doing you!

@galaxteez ASH!! I’m not gonna lie, the first time i interacted with you I was kind of intimidated, especially with the layout BSHJks. Even though our first interaction was about thirsting over Jongho thighs, I’m glad to be able to talk to you in comfort, that your blog is a safe space. It really makes me feel at ease because at least I know I have someone I can talk to. I love youooouuuu!!

@little-precious-baby MEI! My sister!!! Thank you so much for helping me get adopted into your family ;^; You have such a big heart- especially when you drop in to check on everyone. You’re so precious to me even though we’ve met late in 2020. I hope we can become closer. I love you wholesome-kitten, I meant, my sister! <3

@artha-amberose HELLOOOOOO! I’m so glad you stumbled upon that one post about me finding mutuals. Even though we’ve just met recently, I’m in love with your ocs. I’m still a little lost and catching up in the lore, BUT YOU HAVE SUCH BIG BRAIN with making all those up- especially with the world building. I’m so glad you were so open with sharing, it made me feel at ease to talk to you. Looking forward to more talks and sharing with you!

@masterninjacow WHIEEEE HUSNA!! Even tho we’ve talked for a bit this past week, I can already tell you have a big heart. I was kind of intimidated by you at first, I’m sorry uhbsinjs ;^;, but I’m so glad that you messaged me first cos I probably wouldn’t have worked up the courage to talk to you sHNJsk I hope you have a good year! I’m looking forward to be able to talk to you more!

@saksukei HEYYYY!! I just realized- i never asked for you name sgubhnijss ;^; Anyways, thank you so much for being open and welcoming. I’m usually very hesitant and shy to approach people online but you’ve helped change that mindset with how welcoming you were. You’re so freaking creative and I LOVE the way you write. Hopefully we can interact more in the future. And please, help me stan Seventeen SKSKSK 😂😂

@aixy-hpsa RYU! I’m so glad you yeeted into my inbox and taunted me with that Jongho gif or else I wouldn’t have been able to torment you back and become friends with you. You’re so cute and kind, I smile whenever we talk to each other. I hope we can talk more in the future! ILY!!

@neo-shitty Hello ate toffee! EHEHEHEH Sana masarap handaan niyo po ngayon. But I just want to say thank you, for messaging me first (at least I think you did LMAO) kasi nahiya ako nung una na kausapin kita. Pero nagpapasalamat ako na na-meet kita dito. Sana mas magkaroon tayo ng mga interaction sa labas ng kpop (kung okay lang sa yo yan ehheheh). Keep writing! ILY ATE!! <3

And to my anons: nonnie, 🍹🦕 anon, and 🔥💫 anon. Even though our first interactions were, I guess dirty hbsnjmks, I hope you know that I’m open to talk about anything. Whether you wanna vent or just talk about the most random stuff, I’m here to listen <3

To everyone else, I hope you know that I appreciate you! My blog is a safe space for you all and I hope we can talk with each other and get to know each other more. Happy new years! Manifesting 2021 will be a good one!

#musings #new year post #im not good with words sbuHNIJSS #BUT I LOVEYOU ALL

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seijch · 4 years ago

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ANNOUNCEMENT: NOT A HELLO, BUT NOT A GOODBYE EITHER

omg hi ... im like . ashamed to come back after saying brief hiatus in october and then disappearing off the face of the earth til FEBRUARY but under the cut i will be explaining myself and the following, if youre interested (and a tl;dr at the very bottom if you don’t wanna scroll thru this obnoxiously long post):

the reason(s) i was gone for so long

what i was doing during that time (its just a personal account yall can scroll past this idrc)

the status of those um . halloween requests

the future of this account

i. so . Hiatus .

i know. i know . i probably mentioned it when i made the announcement post, but my mental health likes to go on one of those rides. yknow the ones where you go like up rlly fast then down maybe and then up then DOWN .... its like that. i needed a break and every time i wanted to come back or thought about it, something would happen and i would get stuck in my own head.

a big reason for getting stuck in my head was (and i hate to admit this ... i hate to admit that i have Insecurities On The Internet) my feelings of inadequacy regarding my writing. i love to plot fics, i love concepts and characters and making little headcanons but i dont ... know if i love writing rn. and i thought for the longest time that like . whatever ill just push thru it its fine ill be fine but it kinda wasnt lmao you can kinda see it in my halloween reqs and what become of them when i get to that but i began to feel like nothing i had put out or would put out would hold up prose wise (and normally i dont feel like this im much more “idc its my life im living it” but thats not a rant for tumblr LMAO). i still feel like that -- like im better as a reader than a writer. but . You Know :-)

tl;dr: mental state go brrrrr

ii. anywhere here’s wonderwall

when i left, i was in a steadily decreasing mental and emotional state, made worse by a situation at work that really was a case of petty jealousy on my end and rlly isnt very consequential now despite how much pain and resentment it gave me when it Was a problem so i wont get into it. the tl;dr of november and december was me using work as an crutch and distraction -- i know my job, i do it well, it helped me not think about my responsibilities and obligations and inadequacies. of course, as the holiday season grew busier n busier i was scheduled so often that i moved 88 or so miles (according to my apple watch, which i ONLY wear at work since im never anywhere else outside my house) and fell into a cycle of showering n sleeping at my house before going back the next day. (theres definitely something to be said abt capitalism and “grind culture” here but once again its not the time or place snsjkdfds)

at the turn of the new year, i happened to remember a birthday card i hadnt filed away for safekeeping from a friend of mine that id been horribly out of touch with til that point. i started crying because i realized how out of touch id been in general up until that point. the month of january was great for me: i was focused, happy, and in a much better place than i had been before. the end of it brought me down focus wise and im hoping that enough time away from my distractions will refocus me bc i ... need it LMAO and though ive burned out from that level of productivity and gotten distracted again im ... trying to stay positive which i think is the most i can do 😁👍🏼

media wise, i got real into stardew valley (but burned out bc i played it extensively as a way to wind down after work), the pokemon platinum romhack renegade platinum (still havent finished it bc of school n i played it w the intent to see if i could nuzlocke it ... bitch its so hard but its so fun bc of it), briefly assassins creed: odyssey (im one of those ppl who completes an entire region before i move to the next so you can tell i burned out of that one + wouldnt have the time to properly devote to it even if i didnt), got back into genshin impact after pulling for xiao (after not touching it for like . months), and danganronpa. yes . danganronpa 😐 i Know. i stopped playing it after the second trial of the first game bc i was so hurt by the outcome and picked it up in late january only to get sucked in (thank god i had the foresight to buy the second and third games during the steam winter sale). rn im at the start of chapter 4 if anyone wants to come in my asks and um . talk to me abt danganronpa

tl;dr: I’m Into Danganronpa Now

iii. you realize halloween was three months ago right

i mentioned this in the first section, but i love to plot things. every request is plotted or at least has a solid foundation. i had fun detailing what concept i wanted to go with considering what i was given, and there were some bangers i might touch up in the future. but heres whats going to happen to the requests themselves:

there are two finished requests. one will be posted tomorrow and the other will be touched up (just bc i finished it doesnt mean its good 🧍‍♂️) and scheduled for next saturday. as for the ones i never got around to ...

i will not be finishing those requests. i hate to be That Person, but i feel like we all expected this 🧍‍♂️ what i will do is post all of my notes for each request in batches -- requests that have an @ to go with them will be mentioned in the post proper, but anon asks will be pictured. (there are some asks that came from blogs who are now deactivated but i wrote down all the prompts and remember most of those askers so ill cross that bridge when i get there) there will most likely be an excerpt or two simply bc i think i mightve written a few plot points or interactions in the form of bullet points. i rlly am sorry about doing this but i remember looking at my notion doc with all the prompts and feeling ... like i wasnt measuring up n it wasnt just to myself or to some intangible concept of “other” id constructed but it was instead to those who requested n actually WANTED to see and hear and read my writing and i ...... im gonna admit thats another big reason i avoided this site.

regardless, youll definitely get what i have (and likely more than just my bullet points and illegible handwriting).

tl;dr: im sorry. what i have in terms of plot, concept, and interaction for every request will be posted, but i cant say ill ever complete them and mean it.

iv. so what now?

well i mean . im not entirely sure how sold i am on haikyuu in the content creation department (as a creator n to a lesser extent, as a consumer). as mentioned previously, its no longer my primary focus. it doesnt mean im not into haikyuu anymore; i have a lot of love for those boys but i cant rlly say im even caught up w recent fandom activity and also havent even finished s4 pt2 LMAO thats on my to do list

and despite all that, i still want to share my plots n concepts and snippets and maybe even fics. it wont happen anytime soon. it might not even happen. but i mean . its better than me saying i wont write ever again shjdkfs but either way ill probably use this blog as a personal blog w the occasional ask game for dialogue prompts (those are always so fun i love making up aus to fit like . the most mundane prompts)

as for my works (past and any potential future), ive opened an ao3 acc here n ill be editing n possibly expanding on my old works to post there. tumblr, to me, is The x reader hub, but i figure more x reader fics on ao3 is never a bad thing.

ill be deleting/posting drafted posts to the queue since they were all meant to be queued anyway as well as (sorry again 🧍‍♂️) deleting or answering asks in the inbox. (moots if you get a notif from me saying i rbed your post from months ago ... mind your business) im very hard to get ahold of and its ... a problem. expect an overhaul of the nav n shit to reflect my new direction n also because i feel like i cant tell if my passion for carrd is shared by the majority HSDKLFS maybe its better to read my info in a normal post ykwim .......

and of course . if youve read all this n decided im no longer worth the follow, i sure as hell cant stop you. thank you for wanting to, at some point, hear what i have to say -- it means more than you think.

tl;dr: writing will be edited and reposted to ao3, this blog will be a personal blog with a hint of writing (sometimes)

the tl;dr to end all tl;drs:

im back! i wont be as active as i used to due to a lessened interest in haikyuu in general, but i have an ao3 acc now where all my past work will be edited, possibly expanded, and reposted. any future work will also find itself there. my halloween requests will be posted in batches as incomplete concepts, plots, and snippets of scenes; i wont be promising to finish any of them.

there are still fic concepts im attached to and want to finish, but i cant promise any more writing on my end. this blog will be a personal blog with maybe writing, not a writing blog with my personal thoughts all over it.

regardless if you stick around or not, its been crazy sexy cool (equal emphasis) being on haikyuu tumblr even tho i wasnt around for long ... even tho its not my main focus anymore, im still excited to see what the future might hold 🤝

love, ari 💌

#did i have an announcement tag #announcement #also regarding work hsjkdfsd the company i work for didnt give my location the opening for the full time position i wanted #my managers all agree id be promoted if we had it but we dont so i . hee .#anyway um i hope everyones doing well #some of my moots changed urls while i was away and now i have no idea who anyone is #its like when you see your familys friends and theyre like omg youre so big now! i remember when you were a baby and youre like 🧍‍♂️#and you have to play along bc apparently they remember you hskdfsd #im not very funny in this post but i figured id rather be honest considering my lengthy absence #consider this my comeback stage

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dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram · 3 years ago

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Hi Ralph. I don’t want to belabor the babygate conversation, and so I completely understand if this ask isn’t one you want to post, but I did want to thank you for adding your voice to the conversation, and especially for your discussion of what it means to be a father, and this fandom’s particularly narrow view of what would make Louis a good or bad father. I don’t believe Louis is Freddie’s son, but my reasoning for that has nothing to do with the things we do or do not see Louis doing to support Freddie, and it rankles when people assert that if Louis were Freddie’s dad he would be a deadbeat dad and they’d “unstan.” As you’ve made clear, there isn’t just one way to be a father, or to be a parent generally, and there isn’t just one way for a child to be raised knowing they are loved and will be taken care of. I’m a prime example of this.

My father was an addict, he was in and out of my life because addiction is messy and steals people away from you. My mother chose to divorce him when I was 10, and raised my sister and I as a single mom, she didn’t even bring in a step parent to lighten the load, it was all on her (and if you’re thinking she sounds like a super hero you’d be right but that’s not my point here). If you were to look at my childhood based only on those things I just divulged, you’d probably think my dad was a bad father, and I had a bad childhood because of it. In fact, when I was a child, many people didn’t know my father was an addict and struggling with all the associated mental and physical issues. They just knew my parents got divorced when I was in elementary school, my mom had full custody, and my dad was almost never publicly around, and the assumption fully was that he was a deadbeat dad, a bad father. To an outsider it probably wouldn’t look all that different from the Louis/Briana/Freddie dynamic - single mom, absentee father, father makes sporadic appearances, doesn’t seem particularly connected to or involved with his child, the financial support is sketchy, the father doesn’t seem to even want custody, etc. But that’s not the full story, nor is it the truth of the story. My father didn’t have physical or legal custody over my sister and I because that wouldn’t have been in our best interests - a fact which he was (mostly) aware of and in agreement with. He was, occasionally, completely gone from our lives, because that was the best way for us to stay emotionally and physically safe at those particular times. He didn’t come to many of my band concerts or my sister’s gymnastics meets. He was not the public face of parenthood, and I won’t pretend he was. But he loved me, and I never, ever doubted that he loved me. I spent nearly every weekend with me, with only a few exceptions, from the time he and my mom divorced until he died when I was 17. He would pick me up from school in the afternoon or take me out to dinner or to catch a movie in the evenings so that we could spend a little bit of extra time together. He was the first person I called when something big happened, or just when I wanted someone to chat with. He was always a patient and loving and judgment free listener and advice giver, and, perhaps most importantly, he was vocally and zealously supportive of my mother making the decisions she did to take him out of the picture at times, and to take full custody of my sister and I. He understood the limitations of his ability to parent, he understood the implications those carried, and he understood that his parenthood would necessarily look different than someone else’s because of it. But he wasn’t any less my father, and he didn’t love me any less, because of that. It wasn’t all sunshine and roses, anyone who has lived through a divorce or loved an addict knows that it wouldn’t have been, but when I look back on my childhood I don’t think of myself as having come from a broken home, and I don’t feel like I was dealt a shitty hand or had a bad father even though I know a lot of outsiders did. I’m not saying all this to garner sympathy or attention, but rather to emphasize that (1) our preconceived ideas about what makes a parent good or bad are often narrow and naive, and don’t account for the wide variety of circumstances people actually find themselves in, and (2) you never really know what’s going on in someone else’s life or family.

Like I said, I don’t think Louis is Freddie’s father. But even if he is, I don’t necessarily think he’s a bad father. I think he is a human in a situation that is far messier and more complex than any of us can grasp, and I think all the time he spends out of the spotlight or MIA entirely should be proof enough that most of his life happens outside our purview - there is room and opportunity for the true narrative of his fatherhood to be something entirely different than what we’re being sold. And even if it’s not? Even if Louis is Freddie’s father and his involvement in Freddie’s life is limited to exactly what we see (both of these are big “ifs” to me but I’m willing to suspend my disbelief for a second) - that still doesn’t make Louis a dead beat dad. There are a world of possibilities in this situation, and, like you said, one of them is that the level and extent of Louis’ involvement is what has been decided on as the best path forward for Freddie. We. Just. Don’t. Know. And it seems unfair and hasty to make sweeping declarations like “if Louis really was the father he’d be a deadbeat dad” in the face of so many unknowns.

Anyway. This has gotten way longer than I meant for it to (very sorry…) and there’s a good chance by the time you see this the conversation will be over and it’ll be a moot point for you to even read it. But my original intent in even sending this stands - I truly do want to express my gratitude for your voice in this fandom, and this conversation specifically. The way you advocate for people to take a deep breath, accept you don’t know everything, and then hold space for a world of possibilities in the unknown is refreshing and I think much needed here. The way you’ve discussed this approach as it relates to Louis’ potential fatherhood and all the judgments about his morals that are made surrounding it has really meant a lot to me. So thank you. I hope you have a lovely day 💕

Oh anon - thank you so much for this message. It was really lovely to read about your family and your parents and their love for you. I'm so sorry that your father died. And I'm so glad that you felt both of your parents love so strongly.

Thanks so much for your kind words, they mean a lot to me. One of the reasons that I approach this tumblr the way I do is because of who is going to read it. Louis isn't going to read it, and neither is Briana or anyone else involved. But other fans will. Fans who have messy families, and messy lives and who don't live their life in the way other fans think people should. This world is very hard to navigate for a lot of people and there are more than enough shoulds in it already, people don't need to hear more just because they like a boyband.

#I remember so vividly #the vitirol directed at Danielle #because she spent Thanksgiving 2016 in Doncaster #with Louis and his family #Now obviously everyone was absolutely wrong about what she was doing and why #but even at hte time #I was just #lots of people who don't spend Thanksgiving with their families #are reading your posts

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nachotrash · 4 years ago

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So.. Uh, yeah. I had another vivid dream

It was like, Genshin impact mixed with Haikyuu ig？

High school/college setting

Also tagging @elektrosonix

It was like a modern au? But you could still obvious see some details of Liyue (Lanterns, building style, stuff like that)

Campus was HUGE

There was a wholeass shopping mall in there

The outside is like, a cream-white color

its your typical y/n story written by some 10-year olds but it felt so fricking real

Anyways- Heres the timeline thing

Basically my character (i think it's me, i don't remember other names being called)

It was my first day of school and there was this new person bla bla bla

we were in the cafeteria and it was lunch

i sat with @catchmewiddershins for some reason and the new kid sat at the table where the boys of seijoh sat

(most of my seatmates were how i personificate my tumblr moots)

and for some reason a woman who gave off Meiko vibes (from poker face by frogtanii)

And yknow a whole drama started bec the new kid accidentally bumped into meiko

She yelled at them and started whining to Oikawa that they're targeting her.

Oikawa was done with her shit and ignored her. But he grabbed a ball (i think it was a basketball) and told the new kid that if they can throw the ball to the table next to ours hed cover things up for them

(If i remember correctly said table was one with shiratorizawas players)

except they threw it on our table

My first reflex was standing up and yelling "What the fuck?? Which asshole did this???"

They came up to me and apologized and said that oiks told him to do it

apparently my character knew oiks in a way and threatened him with blackmail if he didnt make something for the new kid to apologize

he agreed and we went on with our day

so we had some music project where we have to take a song/make our own song and fuse it together with a classmate's/make a remix with theirs, or create a parody with our own singing/composing

we got paired up w venti

except he was slighty more...mature?

idk how to explain lmao

he just didnt have the overly cheerful and loud voice lmao

(his voice is still godly)

we went over to my dorm

(we were allowed to design our own dorm and mine had a kind of 'treehouse' vibe)

and worked on it till the evening

(insert random timeskip because i cant remember that part anymore)

it was the second day

around 4am

(class starts at 9)

Oikawa randomly shows up to my door asking me to show him how to make strawberry jam

I remember one line really clearly;

Me, still half-asleep: ...you seriously had to wake me up for that?

Basically I was grumpy for the entire morning after that

I remember my character finding it really fun tho

(Another timeskip)

So after school me and venti decided to go to the park to write our project

Because yknow, its sunny n stuff

We finished really quickly and decided to go to the school recording studio

Ofc venti has to grab his lyre real quick

So we were walking through the halls and there was this poster for voting on the student council presidents or something

The contestants were oikawa, akaashi, Kuroo, zhongli, venti, Jean and ningguang

I just ignored it and we recorded n stuff

After recording venti came up to us and complimented us on our voice

And blah blah blah

After that venti just called us his little songbird except we were taller than him 😐

Few days later

We were pretty close with venti and oikawa would occasionally call us his 'princess'

My friends I don't even know how my brain came up with these

I'm currently cringing as I write

And ladi ladah

We were the only one who didn't vote for the student president or something lmao

And there was this dramatic scene where we had to choose between oikawa and venti and write a name down

Just as I was about to write it down

I woke up

I'm still mad at my brother for waking me up

Should I draw the campus sometime?

#nachos dreams

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caranfindel · 5 years ago

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Recap/review 15.13: “Destiny’s Child”

THEN: The pizza man! Megstiel! Oh, lord, I love these two. Ruby 2.0. Lots of pizza for some reason. Jack is soulless. Chuck is destroying his worlds.

NOW: Bunker. The guys are doing research in the library when they hear a weird loud noise. They rush into a room I don’t recognize and find a cute little seafoam green Fiat. With Kansas plates. {Sidebar: I’m thrilled to see Kansas plates. I wish Baby would get replated before the end.} As Savage Garden sings about ch-ch-cherry cola feelings at the base of your spine, two feet (but only one sock) emerge from the Fiat, and those feet are connected to… Sam and Dean! Well, AU versions of them, anyway. As real Sam and Dean watch in horrified confusion, we get glimpses of AU Sam and Dean – an expensive watch, non-flannel clothes, AU Sam’s hair half up. An open rift glows behind them. “Well,” says AU Sam, “we did it.” The AU brothers fistbump (which is smart; you don’t want to shake hands with coronavirus and all) and we see AU Sam is wearing an Apple watch. Which I think the OG Winchesters should wear, considering how often they seem to miss important texts.

All four make eye contact.

Dean? Sam? Sam? Dean? What the hell? What the heck?

The rift flares brighter, AU Dean says “Aw, nuts,” and the AU brothers and their cute little car are sucked back out of our world.

Title card!

Time jump. OG Sam and Dean are telling Cas about their doppelgangers. Dean is particularly disturbed by their car (as am I, because there’s no way those two big guys would be running around in a tiny little Fiat, no matter how fucking cute it is). And all three are just completely confused. Which is odd, considering that they know 1) there are AU versions of themselves in AU worlds, and B) people can move between those worlds. I don’t know why they can’t wrap their heads around AU Winchesters showing up in the bunker.

“How did they get here?” Dean asks. The answer comes from Billie. “They were running. Because God was destroying their reality. He’s almost done wrapping up those other worlds.” And when he finishes his other worlds, he’s coming after the Winchesters. It’s time move on to the next step in Billie’s plan for Jack. Our boy enters on cue, eating a sandwich and announcing he’s ready. Billie explains that the first step (eating angel hearts, ew) was to prepare his body, and the next step is “more spiritual in nature.” He has to find something called the Occultum.

The Occultum? That’s Latin for “hidden.” Where do we find it? I don’t KNOW. It’s HIDDEN.

Hee!

Smart Sam, slightly embarrassed chastised Sam. Love ‘em both.

They don’t really even know what it is, let alone where it is. Or maybe Billie knows what it is, and just isn’t talking. She stresses that since everything will go tits up if God finds out what they’re doing, they need to be ready, and vigilant. “And not stupid.”

Oh, Billie. It’s too late for that.

Research time. Sam’s frustrated, Dean’s distracted. Because he remembered Amara, and he thinks maybe Jack is supposed to kill Amara too. Sam scoffs at that, but Dean reminds us him that the world will be out of balance if Chuck is gone but Amara remains. Sam asks “But then who takes over? Jack?” Jack wanders in, blowing a bubblegum bubble, and proudly announces that he just learned how to do it. “Probably not,” Dean says. Heh. The guys question Jack about how, exactly, he’s going to strike God down, and either he doesn’t know or, again, he’s not talking.

{Sidebar: Neither of them thought anyone needed to take over as God if Chuck was gone. They were, in fact, looking forward to a Godless world. Why, now, does Sam suddenly think someone needs to take over if both Chuck and Amara are gone? Yeah, I know the answer. Bad writing. Thanks, Buckleming!}

They must have brought the Amara situation up for a reason. It’s the kind of monkey wrench that the writers usually ignore if they don’t have a way to address it. What’s going to happen? Here are the possibilities I came up with:

Both Chuck and Amara are killed.

Jack replaces Chuck as God, which means Amara can go on playing keno.

Either Sam or Dean replaces Chuck as God, and Jack or Cas becomes the Darkness. (Neither Sam nor Dean can receive the Mark of Cain again, right? Isn’t that canon? Or is it fanon? And did Sam’s very brief experience with the Mark actually count?)

Jack replaces Chuck as God, and Cas becomes the Darkness. Or vice versa.

Billie pulls a deus ex machina and the whole Chuck/Amara balance thing becomes moot.

The whole Amara situation will never be mentioned again.

Cas wanders in, gathering information from Sergei. Sergei? Again? Will we never be shed of him? Dean agrees with me. “Him? Are we that desperate?” Apparently so. Sergei says the Occultum was housed in a temple until it wasn’t and Dean starts throwing out movie plots to hypothesize what might have happened to it. I’m sure that was amusing to some of you. Anyway, it ended up in the hands of a faith healer with glowy hands. Oh, who could that be? Well, if you didn’t cover the guest star credits, you didn’t see Danneel Ackles. And even if you did, I’m sure you’ve guessed that the faith healer is Sister Jo, who everyone calls Jo rather than using her angel name. Even Cas. I think we should start calling him Jimmy.

Sister Jo’s. She’s wearing some weird combo of satin slipdress/turtleneck/pink blazer. Any one of these items is fine. Together they’re awful. Sam and Dean show up, asking where the Occultum is, and threatening her with angel blades when she refuses to spill the beans. Which doesn’t seem very threatening to me. As an angel, she’s still so much more powerful than they are. (Whatever.)

She says “I gave it to an old friend of yours – Ruby.” And Sam’s first response is “why would you give it to her” instead of “wait, we killed her years before you fell to earth and became a faith healer.” {waves to Buckleming} We get some ridiculous backstory (and again I don’t understand why an angel cares so much about couture brands) about how she was working with Ruby and oh, look, it’s Ruby 2.0! {Sidebar: I covered the credits, as I said, so I didn’t notice that Genevieve Padalecki was not in them. I love the way Show tries to set up a surprise and then their PR department completely spoils it. Because yes, of course I knew Genevieve was coming back. Even the Unsullied couldn’t avoid that spoiler, especially because some people on Tumblr do not use spoiler tags!!! However, I was under the impression she’d be in the final episode, so it was a huge relief to see her in this one. Let’s waste all the nonsense on a Buckleming episode!}

Anyway. According to Jo, Ruby claimed she had a buyer for the Occultum. Jo gave it to her, and then the boys killed her so the deal did not go down. {Sidebar: Once again, Show, flashbacks to older, better episodes are not doing you any favors.} The Occultum is still where Ruby stashed it – in Hell. Dean rolls his eyes, because that’s all Hell is now. It doesn’t inspire terror, just an eyeroll. Hell is basically Walmart. And Dean’s eyeroll is tantamount to me saying “Shit, the only place I can get toilet paper is Walmart? Ugh.” And I hate that, friends. I really, really hate the way Hell has become no more than an unpleasant inconvenience.

Here. Have a palate cleanser.

Bunker. Jack is eating… everything. He and Cas talk about how he’s really into food now, but he doesn’t feel things like he did before he lost his soul. He makes another guilt-free reference about “what happened to Mary,” like he did right before they put him in the box, and wonders if Dean will ever forgive him. {Sidebar: He doesn’t care if Sam forgives him, or he knows Sam has/will? Discuss.} Cas says “You know, Dean, he feels things more acutely than any human I’ve ever known.” Because yes, Dean has to be the absolute bestest at everything, doesn’t he? {Sidebar: How long has it been since someone told Dean he was pretty? What if he forgets???} Anyway, Cas thinks maybe someday Dean will explode and release his Most Acutest Ever feelings and then Jack will be forgiven. (Foreshadowing!)

The guys enter the bunker, discussing Rowena’s spell to get into Hell, and Dean calls Sam “Samwitch.” \o/ Because, as we know, someone over there reads my LJ and/or Tumblr. Um. Does this mean it’s the Buckleming? If so, I’m going to need some time. Cas shows up and looks constipated and says “come with me” and it’s an odd transition because it seemed like they interrupted his talk with Jack, but actually it must be some time later.

Cas takes them back to the mystery room, which I guess was identified as the armory but it looks more like another library to me, and shows them a ghostly AU Sam and Dean. They’re trapped between worlds, apparently. Dean doesn’t care. When Cas assures him they don’t seem to be in pain, he’s ready to move on. I wonder how acutely he feels that.

Sam tells Cas that Ruby stashed the Occultum in Hell and Cas says “Ruby. The demon you were sexually intimate with.” Sam’s all, really, Cas, you’re going there? and it’s another episode of ha ha, funny Cas doesn’t understand human interactions, and then Dean goes all squinty eyed and says ”sexually intimate?” as if this is NEWS TO HIM and WHAT THE FUCKING WHAT, SHOW. This is not news to Dean. Sam told him ALL ABOUT IT in “I Know What You Did Last Summer.” Dean even told him it was “too much information.” Sam told him EVERYTHING. And now we’re supposed to think he didn’t know Sam was banging a demon?

FUCKLEMING!!!!

Anyway. Cas thinks they should get some confirmation from Ruby before going to Hell, but she is inconveniently dead. And also, why would she tell them the truth, considering they’re the reason she’s inconveniently dead. The guys don’t want to wait. They tell Cas to stay in the car right outside the door to Walmart and keep the engine running keep the spell to open Hell going.

Hell. Ugh So cheesy; so much hate. The guys come across a minion who says Rowena is hosting a reception, and he’ll take them to her. But Ruth wasn’t in the credits (for those of you who saw the credits) so obviously this is a trap. Fighty fighty, blah blah blah. Turns out they were set up by Jo. We do get a bit of a post-exertion huff from Sam, so it’s not a total waste.

While this is happening, Cas decides to go to the Empty to question Ruby, because he’s pretty sure Jo isn’t telling the truth. He needs Jack to kill him to the point that he’s only mostly dead. And we’re reminded about his deal with the Empty, so I guess that’s still a thing. Cas gives Jack a flask to hold his life force, and tells him that if this goes badly, Cas will be lost forever. And if Jack doesn’t keep the spell burning, the Winchesters will be stuck in Hell and will be lost forever. Wow, a lot of things could go wrong here. Jack puts a hand on Cas’s forehead and we see Cas’s grace drain into the flask.

Sister Jo’s place. She’s packing up and fleeing.

The Empty. Cas calls for Ruby. “Hello, Clarence,” says a familiar voice. It’s Meg! \o/ Oh, no. It’s just the Empty Guy in Meg form. Dammit. Meg’s got to be in here somewhere, and I’d love to see some Megstiel action one more time before I die. But it is very nice to see Rachel Miner. Empty!Meg calls Ruby out from the darkness. Ruby fondly remembers Sam as “the big lug” and tells Cas a completely different story about her relationship with Jo. {Sidebar: I hate to say this, but Gen doesn’t look so good in this episode, and I also remember her as a better actor.} Ruby tells Cas the Occultum is “a place, a thing, whatever you want to call it.” She’ll tell him where it is if he gets her out of the Empty. He promises to try, and she whispers in his ear.

Back at the bunker, the guys have returned and are horrified to find that Cas is hopefully in the Empty, hopefully finding Ruby, hopefully finding the location of the Occultum, and Sam says “that’s way too many hopefullys!” Hee. They demand that Jack bring him back. In the Empty, Empty!Meg tortures Cas and says Billie promised she could go back to sleep as soon as this is all over, while in the bunker, Jack feeds him his life force.

Resurrected from the nearly-dead, Cas gets called an idiot, because neither of these guys have ever risked their lives to get information (ha ha, sure Dean). He tells the guys he knows where the Occultum is, and they’re ready to go. However, Jack points out that if Chuck notices they’re gone and figures out what they’re doing, it’s game over. True. But that was also true when they went to Hell, and it didn’t seem to be a problem. Anyway, Dean has an idea. He thinks they need a visible presence in the bunker, because this is where Chuck will look.

We don’t know that. We don’t NOT know that.

Hee! Down in the armory, the AU Winchesters are still stuck between worlds. Dean thinks they can open the rift and yank the guys back into this world. Conveniently, since they’re stuck adjacent to this world, Cas’s grace should be plenty. The AU brothers are playing rock-paper-scissors and maybe I’m missing something, but it sure looks like Dean throws scissors and Sam throws rock, which means Sam wins, but Dean acts like he won. Maybe it’s different in AU World. Maybe AU World rocks are very soft.

Sam does the spell, because the one good thing I still get to have is that Sam is in charge of the spellwork. The next thing we see is the OG brothers and the AU brothers at the map table, drinking beer. I’m pretty sure Jared is going to take AU Sam’s purple suit home after they shoot the last episode. The AU brothers are awfully prissy and don’t drink much beer – “Dad won’t keep it in the house. He only likes his private label Scotch. He spoils us.” Damn. They really are prissy. And John is alive, and went through the rift with them, but they don’t know where he is now. Nor do they seem concerned at all, even though they toast him as the “best guy ever.” The AU Winchesters hunt worldwide, and get paid, and have their own plane. The originals explain to the AUs why they need them to act as decoys. OG Sam tells AU Sam that he’ll have to “lose the manbun” and AU Sam recoils in horror and this is NOT WORKING FOR ME. (Also, it’s not technically a manbun, it’s just half up.) I guess some of you loved them, and I’m sure J2 had fun playing them, but I’m just. Bleh. Rich hunters wouldn’t be fussy little twits. Maybe if they were MoL; I can see that. But hunters with money would, IMHO, be like those Duck Dynasty idiots. They’d still be wearing flannel, they’d just drive huge expensive SUVs.

Sam, who are these douches and why are they in our house?

{Sidebar: Why are all the AU Winchesters the same age as our Winchesters? If the other worlds were copies of ours, shouldn’t the AU brothers be younger? Shouldn’t we have Dylan Everett or Colin Ford here?}

Carrying on. The Impala pulls up to a church, and even Jack thinks this is too easy. But then it’s not, because we hear the distinctive growl of hellhounds. Dean gets the door unlocked just in time, and they all rush inside. Sam holds the doors closed as the other three casually wander around the church trying to find the Occultum. Sam is clearly having trouble, but no one comes to his aid. The sky conveniently clears, revealing a moonlit cross on the floor that marks the spot. Dean pulls up a floorboard and reveals a small blue velvet bag {Sidebar: Anyone else have a very similar Crown Royal bag full of cassette tapes in their car back in the 70s/80s? Or was that just me and my lowlife friends?} Inside the bag is an orb inscribed in Enochian: In order to be in the Occultum, the Occultum must be in you. Sam continues struggling with the door, and the others are all, you held the doors open against Lucifer himself, I’m sure you can handle a couple of silly hellhounds, which is true but still.

Bunker. AU Sam and Dean are cosplaying as our Sam and Dean, but not well. “They said lose the manbun, Samuel,” says AU Dean. “Look, hillbilly clothes are bad enough. I had to draw the line somewhere, and my hair is sacred.” Sam drinks beer with his pinkie extended, and hates it, and I’m sorry. I can’t stand this.

Scenes from the Writers’ Room

You know, last year, Jared got to play a couple of fun AU versions of Sam. I missed out on that.

Okay, but we’ve got you singing this year. And dancing.

Yeah, I know, but I really want to play a different version of Dean, too. I’m gonna be looking for jobs. I need to showcase all my talents.

All right, we can do that.

Also, make sure someone tells Dean he’s pretty.

Anyway. AU Dean is growing to enjoy beer, and he finds porn on Dean’s laptop (leave it to the Buckleming to bring back Busty Asian Beauties, ugh), and he thinks the OG life – nothing but beer, monsters, and porn – might not be so bad after all. AU Sam decides he agrees.

Back at the church, Sam is still the only thing between the rest of TFW 2.0 and grim death. As Cas and Dean squabble over what to do next, Jack figures out the obvious and swallows the Occultum. He collapses and glows and is transported to… Eden! Which has astroturf! And a weird girl who says Eden will change him “if you’re the one meant to find it.” She disappears and a snake appears in the tree. (Hello, Crawly!) “Who are you really?” it hisses. “Who are you meant to be?” Jack has some flashbacks to his best times and worst times and falls to the ground, crying. Then he appears back in the church as a glowing orb which immediately heads straight toward Sam, if you didn’t notice. But I did. Then it floats back to Cas and Dean. Sam collapses and the door opens, but the ball of light disperses the hellhounds and leaves Jack on the floor.

Aftermath! Bunker. Dean is dismissing the AU Winchesters. AU Dean suggests they all live there together, and OG Dean turns them down. He thinks they need to go to Brazil, and refuses their request to keep the flannel shirts. AU Dean tells him they saw the car – and drove it. I wonder when they did that, since the OG Winchesters drove it to the church. Huh. But that’s not what bugs me most about this. What bugs me most is that there’s NO WAY IN HELL (not even new, wimpy Walmart Hell) that Sam and Dean would have let those guys go. Would have turned them loose without any support. No fucking way.

Dean joins Sam, who is standing sadly in the hallway outside Jack’s door. Cas comes out of his room and says Jack is okay, but something is different. They go inside and oh, it’s not Jack’s room, it’s the kitchen. Jack is sitting at the table, crying. He apologizes for not understanding that killing Mary was his fault and begs for forgiveness. Looks like someone has been resouled. And – scene!

So. I didn’t really care for this one. In fact, it kind of made me lose hope for the rest of the season. And maybe the will to live. But I’m not going to dwell on that. I’m going to dwell on this: We don’t need any more side characters, even if they’re Sam and Dean.

Scenes From the Writers’ Room

Okay, who else can we bring back?

What about Ruby? I know a lot of fans would like to see some closure for her story.

I thought she had closure? When they killed her?

{laughter}

Good one. Yeah, let’s bring her back and wrap her story up. And we’ll give Cas and Jack some time too.

But we’ve gotta use the guys at some point. People are gonna complain.

I’ve got an idea – what if we have Jared and Jensen play two different people, rather than Sam and Dean?

You, my friend, are a fucking genius!

But if we had to get two AU Winchesters, couldn’t it have been the ones from Sam’s nightmares? Wouldn’t Boy!King Sam or MoC Dean have been awesome? And what if, after the AU Winchesters tumbled into the bunker, AU Sam quietly pulled OG Sam aside.

I need to talk to you. Alone. What is it? Do you have a secure room? Someplace we can ward? Why? Um… I’m not sure how to explain… Do you have Cain and Abel in your world? {Sam visibly blanches} We’ve got a dungeon. Come help me set it up. Now.

Wouldn’t that have been better than this crap? Or what about Samifer? Wouldn’t Sam and Dean’s reactions to Samifer have been magnificent? (Yeah, I know. We didn’t need a whole Plot. We just needed a small Device.)

And it turns out they’re not airing any more new episodes until… who knows when. Which means we’re stuck with this one. If I die and the last new episode of Supernatural I ever get to see is a fucking Buckleming episode, I’m going to be so pissed. I will come back and I will be haunting some asses. Enough whining. What did you think? And please help me stay unspoiled; thanks!

#spn #15.13 #recap #tv recaps #spoilers #fuckleming

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geejaysmith · 6 years ago

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On mobile, there are no readmores.

Ok, so maybe the key thing that pisses me off is that either way you dice it, the whole "evil Dirk" bullshit is either the distortion of a writer with a noted history of fanfics distorting characters into their most cynical form if not outright mischaracterizing them for an abuser/victim dynamic, or its commentary about an author who lets their own soapboxing overtake the willing suspension of disbelief in the characters' voices and the fabric of the world, rather than anything the character showed signs of being in the actual text. And if you're going to go "but timeskip! People change!" that's a hack move that Homestuck became far too dependent on in its later run, especially after the retcon, that cons the reader into doing the writer's job in order to try and resolve the cognitive dissonance of, say, a character who *actively did not want* to be what he's just suddenly become, and who's showing a level and flavor of asshole he never was.

Also, having a gay character, who a ton of young readers have identified with for years, suddenly turn bigoted alt-right-in-all-but-name just to make SURE you know he's the bad guy? Idk, that just strikes me as an asshole move. One of several asshole moves, like never addressing how the actions of one or several other characters contributed to his feeling guilty, especially about his sexuality when he's the one gay character whose orientation is directly discussed in the story proper, or how the character who can be reasonably assumed to have the a large hand in contributing to that guilt is never held to account, but instead victimized by Dirk with out-of-the-wild-blue-nowhere transphobic horseshit in the epilogue. In fact, would it be going out on a limb here to say that entire plot point seem to exist *only* for the sake of said out-of-character transphobic horseshit?

Sorry, I was about to say "but this is a whole different rant" but like, no, actually, this pisses me off. It *really* pisses me off how *badly* Dirk gets treated as the one prominent homosexual male character, and it has always pissed me off.

But no, really, the biggest thing pissing me off in the "oh this isn't rational to feel this way, actually, fuck it, I don't care if this is rational, these feelings aren't going away and this shit is PERSONAL now" way, is how most of what makes its way to my dash about Dirk since the epilogues dropped just comes off as uncritical about this. That even in trying to "fix" the damage done, it still tacitly admits there may be some validity to it, instead of staring it down and asking "and what the hell is your justification for that, outside of 'Hussie said so'?"

And let me take a moment to indulge in my neurotic impulse to hedge my own words and say, fine, ok, you want to explore evil!Dirk? Cool, your prerogative, we clearly find this character close to our hearts for very different reasons, whatever. But I don't and never want to see it and now it's everywhere, and people aren't taking to say, fascist Jane with the same gusto as they do to drag my favorite character, whose problems and insecurities are so close to my own he's the first work of fiction I've cried for for since childhood, through the mud.

Oh, and is it worse because this is basically just the same "Dirk is a monster" bullshit I've been fighting since the Great DirkJake Tag Discourse of 2014? Yes. Yes it is. I really do believe that Evil!Dirk - not "he has flaws as a person that result in toxic behavior", not "his actions have resulted in tangible harm and that needs to be addressed", but outright malicious intent or at least such utter disregard for the people he loves that intent is an automatic moot point - in other words, the ugly caricature being paraded around in the epilogues under the fig leaf of authorial approval, alongside the ugly caricatures of Jade and Jane, who only further expose the whole farce - in all its incarnations is and always has been an outright mischaracterization that only holds water if you push for deliberating interpreting the text in the most negative way. And I've spent *years* arguing with myself in my own head because fandom bullshit has convinced me that the only way I can hold an opinion and have a right to speak it is if I can have an airtight argument for my stance, like it's some fucking debate club, or something. And I am done. Dirk is not a monster, never was, and I am *done* screaming at myself in my own head instead of speaking out loud because "oh no, what if I'm wrong on the internet? What if randos online think I'm some dumb yaoi fangirl who's doing an abuse apologism?" Who cares? I know what I fucking read. I know the character that I saw.

You know what happens when you grow up isolated and don't have that first great "I wasn't fully cognizant of the fact that other people have thoughts and feelings like I do and acted like an ass and am now facing consequences - oh god I fucked up, I need to make this better somehow" young, when the stakes are low and you forget about it by puberty? You know how that childhood loneliness gives you a paralyzing fear of rejection that leaves you with a guarded persona, makes you agonize there's something wrong with you? How it makes you feel like you're irreparably broken, irreconcilably different?

I do.

So I'm confident that I know what I'm talking about when I say "it looks a lot like Dirk Strider." Coincidentally, it can also look a lot like Jake English. I know because I've been both. And you'll notice, pile of neuroses though I am, I am neither a victim nor am I a monster.

So. Yeah. Evil!Dirk upsets me greatly and always has and I don't want to see it. Except now it's everywhere and I once again have to tread lightly if I want to find any content of him that isn't made directly by me. A thing I loved has become something that makes me feel feelings that suck. *Again!* And I don't have the time or energy to throw into counteracting it at the moment, unlike with TLCstuck and the retcon a few years back. And yeah, this is personal and no one is responsible for my feelings and emotional wellbeing but me, yes, yes. But also this is my blog and I get to pick what goes on it and this is me telling myself "to hell with what people think when they see it, it's Tumblr, this is the house that personal emotional-fueled discourse built", and also if I didn't get this out I'd kind of end up screaming about it in my head again until all I can articulate is a high-pitched screech? I just need to fucking vent this out so I can get on with my goddamn day and it's out of my head? So maybe it'll quit coming back? It's way too fucking early for this? And oops, this post got way too long and a lot more emotional than I was expecting. Hey, crying helps relieve stress, y'know (Note: I'm not actually crying, it's the principle of the thing).

tl;dr, I have always thought Evil!Dirk was bullshit but it still hurts to see, and while I know I have no reason to bear a grudge against the people writing it as people, on principle, there's a part of me that wants to fucking punch those responsible for putting it back in the fandom consciousness in such a big way? Especially when I'm not seeing anyone pick over the horseshit done to other characters in quite the same way.

That is all. Carry on, I've vented my spleen. I'm gonna toss this post to the wind and go back to Wolf 359 shitposting.

#homestuck #cw epilogues mention #epilogue apologists do not interact #evil Dirk apologists do not interact #//homestuck epilogues #i ACTIVELY want this READ but i also want this out of my head and i want to continue thinking about it as little as possible #how much time would i have saved w the retcon bullshit if i'd just nutted up and posted about it instead of screaming it out in my head?#it is a mystery #aaaaand exhale #andrew 'im better at causing problems than solving them' hussie's biggest crime is causing these irrational bullshit emotions again #it has officially replaced 'ruining my 19th birthday with Game Over'#the sooner i kick him out of his rent-free spot in my brain the FUCKING BETTER #now I HIT POST AND WASH MY HANDS OF THIS NONSENSE

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intheyear39 · 6 years ago

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Rainy Days and Wednesdays (Gwilym Lee x Reader)

Genre: Romance / Fluff

Rating: PG-13 for swearing

Length: 2637 words

Summary: Gwilym takes you for a drive.

Author’s Note: This was harder to write than Fleece Blanket for some reason despite having a clear prompt in mind—I’ll get to that in a sec—but thanks to the moral and creative support of my Discord, I was able to get over my first writer’s block since I started writing again (like, three weeks ago).

Shameless promotion but the prompt is from a Japanese song by a group called V6, 「意味のないドライブ」imi no nai doraibu lit. translation, “Meaningless Drive”. If you want to listen to it and/or read the unofficial translation, you can find it here. ANYWAY! I hope you enjoy it and I’d love to know your thoughts! <3

Special thanks to Ella @39-volunteers-to-space for making a moodboard for this huhu you didn’t have to and it’s already a great pleasure to proofread Kairos (GO READ IT IF YOU HAVEN’T BTW) ILY <3

Taglist: @39-volunteers-to-space @moonvinyls @grooveei @theoddowldoodle @bburellina @im-happy-at-home @dorkydeaky @seven-seas-0f-bri and one of my bestest friends Sera who knows both the song and Gwilym (and WHO HASN’T USED HER TUMBLR YET BUT TAGGING HER ANYWAY) @a--kind--of--magic

—

“I’ll pick you up at six, yeah?”

You read Gwilym’s message to you over and over. He didn’t always pick you up from work, but when he did, you were always excited to see him. That’s no surprise of course—the two of you had been dating for a while now—but for some reason, it just always felt new.

At this point, you were just waiting for time to pass. He had texted over an hour ago, but all you had done was look at that message and not work. Not that your boss minded; he wasn’t here today anyway.

Yet you were still having a terrible day, and you couldn’t tell anyone about it because, you sighed, you didn’t know why.

And that’s the worst because how would you cure that?

How would you make that go away?

It’s just one of those days, a gloomy Wednesday, and so you were more than delighted that Gwilym would pick you up tonight.

Your phone buzzed one more time. Another message.

“You okay?”

It’s as if Gwilym was reading your mind at that exact moment.

You took a long second to reply, mainly because you didn’t know what to type, so your mobile buzzed again, this time continuously. He was phoning you.

“Uh, hello?” you quietly answered so that no one else in the office would hear.

“You okay, love?” his voice sounded worried, but also rather sexy. It distracted you for a second.

“Y-yeah, I’m good.”

You didn’t know why you lied, because he could always tell when you did.

“Well, you don’t sound like it to me,” he said matter-of-factly. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

“I-I...” you started, but words just wouldn’t come out. It was hard to explain without sounding foolish.

You heard him sigh at the end of the other line. “You don’t need to worry about anything,” he said finally. “Also, I’m pulling in at the car park now.”

You let out a tiny squeal, which made him laugh—and you always wanted to make him laugh—and hastily grabbed your things, pulled out your thumb drive from your office computer without safely removing it (you knew you’d regret doing that later but who gives a shit, Gwil’s here), and dashed through the halls yelling, “See you all later!” to no one in particular as you exited your office building, dashing like mad.

At the car park, you suddenly realised that it was raining. Being confined in those tight, monochromatic spaces didn’t let you see much of the outside for most of the day. Despite that, you forgot how that made you usually feel because, standing outside the car, leaning against it, waiting for you, in his dark brown jumper with his glasses on, was Gwilym. He looked delighted to see you. You didn’t hesitate to run towards him and embrace him. He just felt so warm and nice and stable.

“Hey, bad day at work?” He asked in his signature dulcet tone, touching your hair gently, playing with it almost.

“Bad day in general,” you muttered as you instinctively bury your head in his chest. He held you closer for a few seconds in silence. You were beginning to feel better about things.

“Come on, I’ll take you home,” he whispered unto your forehead, his lips touching it ever so subtly.

You groaned, slightly muffled by your head being on his chest.

“But I like it here.”

He chuckled. “I know you fancy this, but we have to leave at some point. Parking rates are expensive. Come on now.”

You decided to pull away finally. “You’re wrong, you know,” you said, and you saw his eyebrows raise in faint surprise. You placed your index finger on his chest. “I love it there.”

He gave you a kiss on the lips because, at least based on his reactions in previous situations, it was a quick way to shut you up and at the same time, he would usually find you too cute not to do it (his words).

You two finally entered the car. He started the car and drove out of the car park; the rain seemed to only become stronger, and while you thought it was peak cuddling ambiance, it also made you feel a little somber. Even though you loved the rain, sometimes the darkness reminded you of your own, and you didn’t like that. Nobody liked knowing their own darkness. You continued to muse for about five minutes more, but then, you heard him mutter ‘Damn’ to himself, taking you out of your wretched thoughts.

“What is it?” You calmly asked.

“I think I forgot my car charger at home,” he said, also trying to be calm. “Do you have a phone charger with you by any chance?”

You also left your power bank at your office in your haste, as you discovered while rummaging through your handbag. “Erm, I’m sorry babe, I left it at work.”

He clicked his tongue, “That’s all right.” He seemed in deep thought.

“Was there anything important in your phone?”

“Well, your new address, for instance.”

Right. You recently moved into a new flat two days ago, and this was actually the first time Gwil would take you there from your office. The both of you hadn’t completely memorised the route yet.

“That’s okay,” you brought out your own phone. “We can use my—“

He looked at you expectantly. “Well?”

“Shit.”

“You’re joking, right?”

As if on cue, your phone drained its power as you checked it. You were hoping to rely on your power bank too, but that option was obviously moot now. You were hitting yourself on the head mentally; after all, you didn’t even hang up after that call with Gwil.

“No, sadly,” you answer rather hesitantly with the softest voice you could. “Sorry.”

He sighed and let out a small chuckle. “Don’t apologise. These things happen. Tell you what, it’s not that I don’t remember where your residence is—I do, mostly—but why don’t we just take this time to drive around the city for a while? No phones mean,” he waited a beat, “no distractions.”

He had the naughtiest smile on his face which you rarely saw, but when you did, you felt like you were falling in love with the man all over again. This time was no different.

“So, is that a yes, or...?”

“Are you fucking kidding me? I get to spend more time with my fucking boyfriend? Fuck yeah I want to!”

He laughed, a little more loudly this time. “Let’s take a drive then. I reckon you need it.”

He reached out with his right hand and held your left hand. His touch was tender but firm, warm enough to send shivers down your spine. You then snuggled up to him, placing your head on his shoulder, your eyes closing. Now, with the rain, gloomy or not, this was definitely peak cuddling ambiance.

“You’re really loving this,” he said rather cheekily.

“Shut up and drive,” was your retort and he laughed again.

“Yes ma’am,” he responded in a cheerful tone.

You enjoyed the blissful silence that came after. Gwil seemed to enjoy it too, and sometimes, silence between you two was a comforting thing; no words needed. After a few more moments, you opened your eyes again. You went out of the city, it seemed like—cars and tall buildings were replaced by grasslands and cattle. It was getting darker, the city lights getting fewer. Where was he going to take you?

“Are you awake?” He took a quick glance down to you.

“Hmm, yeah. Where are we?”

“We’re not far off from where your flat is,” he said, as if trying to assure you. He probably heard the sudden panic in your voice. “About fifteen minutes? We’ll be back just in time.”

“No...” was your immediate response. You didn’t want this to end, because it meant that you would have to go home—it meant you had the rest of the week to face, two more fucking days, and you abhorred that feeling of absolute dread more than anything else right now.

“Oh, but you have work tomorrow, we both do.”

You groaned a little more loudly than intended, “I know, but…I don’t want to hear the truth right now. I only want to hear the good things.”

You didn’t want to get angry, not right now, especially not at him. He’s the only one you have.

“Right, I apologise.”

This time, an odd silence ensued. You both could feel it, but you thought it was better to let it go. You did say you only wanted to hear good things today.

“Erm,” he broke the silence, a bit hesitant, “you know what, you never told me what your favourite colour was.”

“What?” you were surprised to hear that question at this moment. Although, it was true—you had never told him what your favourite colour was, because, you never thought he would be interested in things like that. Gwilym was more of a conceptual thinker, an introspective kind of guy, so anything of this sort was too trivial to him. Honestly, it was cute that he’s bringing it up now. He’s trying.

“Uh, blue, I think,” you lifted your head to meet his gaze. Like his eyes. “Like your eyes.”

He blushed, but attempted to cover it up by saying, “You’re only saying that because you’re grateful that I’m spending my petrol on you.”

You giggled, “That is the least sexy thing you’ve ever said tonight.”

“Hey, you laughed! That’s my girl!”

And that’s when you realised: He was trying to take your mind off of things, distract you. He knew you were having a bad day, and he knew you didn’t want to talk about it. If you were honest, you wouldn’t know what to talk about with yourself either. He’s trying. You thought it’s the cutest thing.

And most importantly, this reminded you that he’s there to take care of you when you needed him most. Always.

“I know what you’re trying to do,” you gave him a smirk.

He chuckled, “Well, it worked, didn’t it? Besides, I do enjoy spending time with you. It doesn’t matter what we are doing. I don’t care if it’s stupid or pointless, as long as we’re both having fun, yeah?”

“Truer words have never been spoken,” you nodded and laid your head back on his shoulder.

“Oh, you know I’m right.” You laughed. He then squeezed your hand before kissing it, smiling as he did so.

You closed your eyes again. You hadn’t noticed all this time, but there had been music playing on the radio; it was turned down, but not all the way. You’d really love some music right now.

“Gwil, could you turn the volume up on the radio?”

“Of course.”

The radio DJ began, “Next up, a song from the hit movie Music and Lyrics, ‘Pop! Goes My Heart’ by Hugh Grant.”

“What in the fuck,” Gwilym was appalled, clearly, and you never usually heard him swear that aggressively.

It made you smile.

And of course, he noticed. “What’s that smile for?”

“Nothing—it’s a cute song. It’s fun!” Then, it reminded you of something that had been on your mind for a while now. “You know, you should do romcoms more.”

“What?” he was more confused than angry. “I’m bad at those.”

“No, you’re not.” you bit your lip—you wanted to say he was great at romance based on your experience, but you knew he would say that it’s different, that because it’s you. The song was fun anyway, so you decided to focus on that.

“I can imagine you dressed up as a pop star in the 80’s, wearing a white studded polo, a black scarf that can engulf you whole, studded bracelets, that checkered belt around white trousers! I mean, you pulled off Brian May’s hair; I’m pretty sure you can pull off a mullet.” You put your tongue out just to annoy him.

He scoffed, but he was smirking. “No more costumes and wigs for me for the moment, thanks.”

“But you would be so cute though!” your voice went a pitch higher as you lifted your head up to face him. “You playing the piano, singing, dancing—!"

“You like my little hip shakes, huh,” he demonstrated (but still focused on his driving). “I said I wasn’t gonna lose my head, but then, pop! goes my heart~”

“Careful with that—you’re driving! You’re mental!”

Though, you had to admit, he looked good doing it. He sounded good, too. He’s perfect.

He laughed, “Perhaps you’re right. If they decide to do a remake of Music and Lyrics in another 10 years, maybe I’ll say yes. I’ll probably be Hugh Grant’s age when he did it.”

“I’d watch a remake now, to be honest,” you linked your arm with his one more time and held it really closely. You looked ahead to watch the road; you noticed he was driving back into the city again. Your heart sank—the reality started to set in again, that you had to go back to your regular life, to the routine. You wished this could last forever. If only.

“You’re living that romcom now though, don’t you agree?” he whispered, breaking your train of thought. Without warning too, so it gave you goosebumps. The good kind.

“Not if it has to end soon,” you sighed. You were completely aware that this fun little ride had to end at some point. You knew you would face the reality of life again, that you’re not always going to be happy. But then, you also realised: You had Gwil. And that’s enough.

He made a melancholic face too. “You know what love, I’ll promise you something if you promise me that you’ll stop gloating about it. Deal?”

You hummed an answer. You were sceptical, but oddly excited about it.

“Okay, I’ll pick you up from work every day from now—"

You screamed in glee. He covered his left ear almost immediately.

“I wasn’t done yet, love!” he had to exclaim over your excitement.

“Sorry.”

“I’ll pick you up from work every day from now on, unless I have work or I’m out of town or for some reason I can’t make it to you in time. Okay? That’s a promise.”

Just in time, he parked the car outside your building. The heavy rain seemed to have turned into just a drizzle—enough not to need an umbrella—and it’s like a metaphor for your mood tonight. Before seeing Gwil, it had been sour, somber, melancholic, but now, it had become more optimistic, kind, merry. His promise was just cherry on top.

Sure, it wasn’t anything significant, but it made you excited, for the first time in a long while. That was rare.

Grateful, your eyes were twinkling. “You fucking promise?”

“I fucking promise,” his were too.

You reached out for an embrace, and he held you so tightly that you almost couldn’t breathe. It was still a good feeling. As he let go, he held your face delicately with his warm hands, his elongated fingers almost covering the sides of your face. He kissed you tenderly, and your noses touched afterwards, feeling the breath of each other in this cold, damp winter night.

“I love you,” he said, almost shyly.

“I love you too,” you said back, “and thank you for spending your petrol on me in this pointless fucking trip.”

He cracked up, “Good callback.”

“I do my best,” you bragged, shrugging.

“So, I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?”

“Yeah of course!” you answered as you opened the car door and got out. “And Gwil?”

“Yeah?”

“Tomorrow I’ll drive. I know where we can take a detour.”

END.

A/N: A sequel may be possible? IDK. Let me know if you want one.

#fanfiction #gwilym lee x reader #gwilym lee

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apparitionism · 6 years ago

Text

Helicobacter 14

The bering and wells tag got a little sleepy after Christmas, didn’t it? I can’t say this chapter is any sort of wake-up call, but ideally it’ll give you a laugh or two. Previously on Helicobacter, Myka was working on an idea. She told Helena about it in the wee small hours of the morning... sadly, over the phone. But they’ll be in the same physical space in this part, so who can say what will happen? Well, one thing that definitely will is that you’ll notice I haven’t cut and woven this part into a fully cohesive set piece. Everything was taking too long, so I decided to hone the little bits I had, take the hit, and move on. Also, in a break from previous practice, I’m not going to link to the other parts of this story here, because I’m having a problem with some posts not showing up in searches/tags. Probably due to all of that racy content I post. (Tumblr flagged me. Oh, the hilarity.) But there are thirteen parts previous to this one, and they should be easily findable on my tumblr. Which is not, for the record, home to content that is sensitive.

Helicobacter 14

That morning in her office, wishing she had not begun the day’s coffee consumption in the middle of the night, Helena found herself once again fatigued—yet the lack of sleep also rendered her energized, strung out on anticipation. She also found herself once again staring at those model trees, so valiant despite their small size. So valiant they had been, since the very beginning, and Helena envied them their ability to remain oblivious to the disaster that had befallen the model neighborhood they for so short a time called home.

Of course, the “plan” did not necessarily have to be the full catastrophe she was envisioning, for in the end, she and Myka could always swear that the (fictional) email-driven misunderstanding would remain that. No one in a position of power knew what had really happened. No one knew that anyone had said anything like “I love you” on the telephone in the middle of the night.

When she worked up her nerve, she asked Steve, “Do you and Liam have plans for Saturday night?” If he said yes, she could at least keep this... quiet. Somewhat quiet. A bit quiet.

Unfortunately, Steve said no.

“Would you like to participate in a disaster?” Helena asked next. “A theatrical disaster.”

“Is that supposed to make me want to say yes or no?”

“I have no idea. However, it might be better for me to have allies, simply as a check on my worst impulses where a certain someone is concerned. I find myself agreeing to things... so perhaps you can pull me back from that ledge.”

“The fact that we’re talking about plans for Saturday night that involve a certain someone suggests to me that you’ve already agreed to something,” he said, but he was smiling rather than observably attempting to control his breathing.

“That, I regret to admit, is true.”

“Have you jumped off a ledge?”

“Not literally.”

“But only because she hasn’t asked you to.” Still smiling.

“I regret to admit as well that that is the only reason. It might solve some problems if she did ask and I did do it. In the literal sense.”

He said, with a beleaguered air, “I guess we’d better come, if only to tie a rope around your middle.”

“You are the best assistant the world will ever know.”

“I try. Then again, so do you.”

“Not enough.” She looked at the model-piece. “We need to build more libraries.”

“That sounds like a ledge, or stepping off of one.”

“What does Liam like most?” she countered.

“Other than me? You’ll laugh.” In response to this, Helena again heard herself make the question-noise, which now would always remind her of Myka having recognized it. How that woman wormed her way into everything... Steve answered the now-Myka-reminiscent noise by saying, “Gardening.”

And Helena did laugh, as predicted. She’d expected the answer to be professional, such as “the law,” or perhaps something fitting Liam’s extraordinarily handsome looks, such as “Armani suits.” Then again, Myka was every bit as beautiful as Liam was handsome, and Myka loved books... Helena said, “Wouldn’t you build many, many greenhouses if you could? Because you could?”

“They’re pretty objectively good, right? Like libraries. Maybe we do need to build more of them.”

“I am not opposed. Find a project, or projects, and we’ll bid.”

“Really?”

“Of course,” she told him, with feeling.

“You’re not just saying that because I’m bringing rope on Saturday?”

“Everything is connected, my darling Steve.”

He chuckled. “With rope?”

“If necessary.”

“What is this really about?” he asked.

“I’ll let Myka tell you—it will please her enormously to go into detail.” Saying “Myka” aloud pleased Helena herself enormously. So rare a pleasure, lately. “Also I don’t understand any of the duplicitous particulars well enough to explain them to you. Sadly, I don’t have Greek, so I can’t read the epic poem in the original... plus, I haven’t slept.”

“I can tell... please don’t tell me why not.”

“Would that it were that.” She sighed. “My darling Steve. Am I ever going to feel in control again?”

“Have you ever? Really?”

“Comparatively.” She had certainly at some point not experienced this career-off-a-cliff need to agree with every objectively ridiculous proposal of an irresistible, book-loving city planner...

“Do you want to? Feel that way again, I mean?”

“Yes?” Because she ought to want to.

“So cancel the Saturday plans.”

“I can’t.”

“Then no. You won’t ever.”

“Hence the need for the rope,” Helena agreed.

“I think I’m going to have to learn how to actually do roping. Maybe not the tricks with the spinning, but enough to throw the loop around you.”

“I suspect your doing that would be met with great enthusiasm from a particular spectator.” So easy to picture the enthusiasm—the delight—on Myka’s face if she witnessed such a performance, but Helena tried to return to pessimism. “Not that I expect any of this to work out.”

“You know the real reason Liam and I’ll both be into this Saturday thing?” Helena shook her head, and Steve went on, “What always happens is that we’re at his place or my place, and we don’t have the energy to come up with any ideas about what to do, so we stay in. And then he complains that we never go anywhere.”

“So it’s because this comes prepackaged as an idea of what to do?”

“For him, that’s my bet. But for me, it’s because after he complains, he smiles at me. And I give thanks that I get to witness it. Myka’s got a pretty decent smile... I think you should have the opportunity to give that kind of thanks.”

From anyone else, such words might have cloyed. From Steve, they calmed. “The best person the world will ever know,” Helena said, with certainty.

To which Steve replied an impish, “Ruth Bader Ginsburg.”

“I will concede that you may have peers. Six-fifteen.”

“I have six hundred and fifteen peers?”

“Myka wants you there at six-fifteen.” Her name, out loud, again...

“Do you really think this is going to be a disaster?”

“That question is, at this point, moot. I tried, but I have met my match.”

“In more ways than one, I guess,” Steve said, but he continued to smile.

That gave Helena leave to answer, “You guess correctly.”

****

At six in the evening on Saturday, Helena stood in her customary spot outside Myka’s door, her customary flowers in hand, second-guessing her decision to bring one extra-large bouquet rather than two this time. But then her thinking and deciding didn’t matter at all, for Myka opened the door and was there, a physical presence not in a City Hall elevator.

Myka didn’t let Helena hand her the flowers, didn’t even get them out of the way; she pulled Helena close and kissed her as if they were alone. A fussy part of Helena wanted to protect the poor bouquet, but that part was outvoted by every other part, bodily and otherwise, all of which were celebrating standing once again in this space, enveloped once again in these arms, being kissed—she kissed soft, Myka did. Belying the body-crush, her mouth was careful, solicitous.

Helena eventually regarded the no-longer-impressive bouquet with a bit of disappointment. “Much as I enjoyed that, you might have let me set these down first.”

“You’re going to have so many more chances to give me flowers, and I’ll give them to you all the time too, and floriculture will flourish around the world thanks to us.”

“‘Floriculture will flourish’? Are you drunk?”

“Not yet, you beautiful... hm. I was going to call you a cheapskate again, but those flowers look like they might have been expensive before somebody made a mess of them.” She raised her voice. “Mom! Helena brought you some pricey smashed flowers!”

Helena said to Jeannie, who wore an extremely smug (and, Helena had to admit, extremely justified) smirk as she approached, “In the interest of accuracy, Helena brought you and your daughter some flowers, which your daughter caused to be smashed. Cost notwithstanding.”

“I saw you participating,” Jeannie said. Helena supposed she could hardly have missed it.

Then came another familiar voice—from the hallway, for Myka had neglected to close the door, Helena heard Abigail say, “That is an interesting euphemism for what they were doing.”

Myka shook a fist at her. “You weren’t supposed to get here before six-fifteen!”

Abigail, unmoved, said, “Like I didn’t know the reason for that.”

Apparently everyone had known the reason for that, and they had all wanted to see the six o’clock show: Rick and Varsha appeared behind Abigail, and Steve and Liam did too, making for a traffic jam not only of bodies but of introductions. Abigail enthused to Steve, of Liam, “He doesn’t disappoint!”

Liam said, “I’m... pleased?”

“I thought he was overselling your looks,” Abigail told Liam. “What with being in swoony love,” she added, and Steve blushed.

Myka said, into Helena’s ear, “Speaking of swoony love, it isn’t possible to oversell you. There aren’t enough words,” and when Helena tried to shush her, Myka kissed the ear she’d just whispered into.

Varsha, upon being introduced to Abigail, said, “Overjoyed to meet you. I was honestly beginning to think none of them knew any actual people.”

Abigail nodded. “It’s just me. Let’s do lunch or something. But only if you aren’t planning to, one, bid on a city contract, and two, fall in love with me, because there’s only so much of this kind of drama I feel like I can handle.”

“I can promise the first one,” Varsha said. “The second, that’s up to fate.”

Rick said, “Wait, what? Are you joking?”

“No,” Varsha said, in such a way as to make Helena wonder whether she ever joked.

To Rick, Abigail said, “You might need to class up your personal plating, Myka’s ex. I’m pretty charming.”

“Also not wallpaper,” Varsha added.

Myka said, “Confirm. She is not wallpaper. Can additionally confirm the charming point.”

“Should I be the one who’s concerned?” Helena asked. “You two are together most all day every day.”

Myka kissed her.

“Thank you for the reassurance,” Helena said.

“I didn’t do it to reassure you,” said Myka, and after smiling at Helena’s raised “then why” eyebrow, she said, “because I can,” and that was even better than reassurance.

Rick said to Myka, “You and I never got this far.”

“This far,” Myka repeated. “This far?”

“Rehearsal dinner.”

Myka squinted at him. “I really like that we can joke about this,” she said.

“Still too soon?”

Now Myka swatted him, her palm against his head. “In perpetuity, you ding-dong.”

Ding-dong? Helena began laughing at how ridiculous such an utterance sounded, certainly from Myka’s mouth, and when Myka looked at her quizzically, she could offer only, “I’ve never heard anyone say that.”

Rick said, “You should’ve hung out with us in—what was it, fourth grade? Some entire school year, it was everybody calling everybody a ding-dong.”

This made Varsha bark a laugh as well. She said, “Oh my god, it’s worse yet also better when you say it.”

To Helena, Myka said, ‘I want to hear you laugh like that in perpetuity. And you are not a ding-dong”—which set Helena off again, and Myka said, “Well, maybe you are,” but she softened it with a sweet nuzzle into Helena’s hair.

In fact throughout the entire evening, Helena found Myka to be physically demonstrative to an extent that was... new. Every time Myka neared Helena, her right arm extended toward Helena’s waist, her hips, eventually settling onto the concavity just where fixed ribs gave way to floating, there on the right side—there, or resting, higher but just as happy, in the middle of Helena’s back. These placements of her hand: Helena found them correct. Feeling the fit, the lock into place. Like sides of the bed.

All this prompted Helena to ask Myka, at a later point when, for a moment, they did not seem to be the center of anyone’s attention, “How much had you been holding back?”

“What do you mean?”

“Before. In contrast with all this contact now, tonight,” Helena said.

“I told you I was going to kiss you and kiss you and kiss you.” And Myka proceeded to do that.

“I did think that was hyperbole. I’m not complaining, but you didn’t do this before.”

“Well, before. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. You were doing me a favor with the engagement. Several favors.”

“I thought I was.”

“Am I making you uncomfortable now? I can stop.”

“Can you?” But Helena was teasing. “I haven’t seen you stop yourself from doing much of anything you want to do. Certainly not anything related to this evening.”

Myka shrugged. “I’m really committed to working toward certain goals.”

Helena regarded the relaxation of Myka’s posture, the playful smile on her lips, the glow of her gaze... and she was struck by, but couldn’t bear, the possibility of Myka being deprived of all this, of having to once again become the pale picture of irritated overwork she had been before. And this was no pretense of happiness, as Myka had said she’d been putting on as part of her project; rather, this was the real thing: Myka happy, not holding back. Yet had they spent enough time together for Helena to be sure that that was so? “Is this how you are, with me?” Helena asked. “Is this how we are?”

“I wouldn’t be bothering otherwise.”

Helena didn’t doubt it. “I’m sorry I haven’t worked as hard as you have. Toward those goals.”

“You can make it up to me later. Long game, you beautiful cheapskate.”

“The bill will come due?” Helena asked, pretend-rueful.

“I certainly hope so.”

“I do too. But can you promise me that we will never have to engage in a performance this ridiculous again?”

Myka put on a show of considering, then said a simple “No.”

****

Scenes from a Rehearsal Dinner

Helena pulls Abigail aside to say, because she has not had a chance to say it, “I thought we weren’t doing this. I thought we were actively keeping her safe. No possibility of public shaming. I did try very hard to—”

“Except for the glasses incident.”

“That was a mistake, one that I, if no one else, made a sincere attempt not to compound. Why are you helping her in this? Why are you not physically preventing me from helping her?”

“Didn’t she tell you her theory?” Abigail asks.

“Oh god, what now.”

“They’d never public-shame her over this, if they find out what she’s really been doing—and if she somehow gets in trouble for any part of it, they will definitely find out, because she’s planning to tell them the entire story, her idea being that it’s too insane.”

“That’s...” Helena begins, but she realizes she has nowhere sensical to go. “Well, that’s....”

Abigail nods. “Right? Because who’s going to call the org chart into a room and say ‘Here’s what you can’t ever do: put on a play about having your cancer recur so as to persuade your boss that you’ve fallen back in love with your ex-fiancé who it turns out is really a contractor who, if you can’t have her, you’ll waste away and die, but you would still like to keep your job, please and thank you.’”

“When you put it that way, I have no idea how anyone could follow it.”

“Exactly. In Myka’s own extremely special way, she’s brilliant... and as far as I can tell, the cancer—and you—really made her drill down on that.”

“Rick does say this isn’t how she behaved in the past,” Helena concedes. “But I’m beginning to think her newly revealed talents are being wasted in her chosen field.”

“Someday she’ll rule the world. And then, I don’t mean to alarm you, but I bet we’ll all be buckling our seat belts and hanging on for dear life. And enjoying it. I mean, look at you: you’re enjoying it right now.”

“‘Enjoying’ may be a shade too positive. In any case, you seem to have a part in the play too.”

“Point taken.” Abigail snickers. “I told her to buy grapefruit, and she asked me why. Never got around to breakfast after that glasses incident?”

“I did not punch her in the face.”

“You’ve said.”

“But I may yet punch you.”

Abigail waves off this concern. “I’m helping. Also, I’m not wearing glasses. So punching me wouldn’t get you going at all.”

Several pizzas arrive. Myka asks Helena, “Did you know there’s such a thing as lobster pizza?”

Before Helena can answer, Rick says, “Why wouldn’t there be? Can’t you slap anything on a pizza crust?”

Abigail says, thoughtfully, “Then again, Myka’s ex, you may be my kind of chef.”

Varsha warns, “Mind yourself, not-wallpaper. I don’t want to have to cancel lunch.” She eyes the pizza boxes. “I also don’t want to have to engage in any avoidance behaviors.”

“No allergens,” Myka tells her. To Helena, she says, “Which means your dreams are safe, too.” Myka then busies herself handing out what she calls “the scenario”—several stapled-together pages of which Helena is as terrified as she ever has been of creatures that are large and have claws. She reads the first line: “First, there was a fountain.” She wishes she weren’t driving; she needs several stiff drinks.

Myka says, “Okay, nobody’s got lines as such because I didn’t have time to learn all the medical terminology, and also I’m not sold on anybody’s ability to get it down by Monday.”

“I love improv,” Liam says as he receives his pages.

“So do I!” Jeannie tells him, and they make exclamatory faces at each other.

Liam continues, “Ooh, can I be one of the doctors?”

Jeannie, for her part, sighs. “I suppose I’m relegated to being the mother.”

“Relegated?” Myka demands. “Mom!”

Helena mutters, “How could this go wrong.”

“You’re such a pessimist,” Myka says.

“Why does that make you smile?”

Jeannie, for the moment embracing her relegation to the role of mother, says to Helena an indulgent, “Everything about you makes her smile.”

\Myka beckons to Helena. “Come with me,” she says, leading her down the hallway, in the direction of the bedroom... raising Helena’s hopes for a brief, scandalized moment... but their destination is instead a different room, this one an office (with air a bit chilly at the moment but not stale; Myka must in fact spend time here) featuring a computer with a large monitor. “Dad’s actually really going to call in this time,” Myka says, “and if I’m trying to hold my phone screen steady he gets seasick. So this works better.”

And indeed, after not much time, there appears a slightly choppy video image of a some-days-bewhiskered older man sitting in the stern of a rowboat. He wears a fishing hat of an incongruous bright red. Whatever technology is enabling the call seems to be his only companion in the boat, yet he regards it as if it has appropriated the entire armrest between them on an airplane.

Myka begins, “Hi, Dad. Any luck?”

“Fishing is not a matter of luck,” her father says; this must be a customary exchange. “It’s skill.”

“Any skill?”

He answers a solemn, “Only on the part of the fish.”

Myka pulls Helena into view of the computer’s camera. She keeps her arm around Helena’s waist as she says, “Dad, this is Helena. Helena, this is my dad, Warren Bering.”

“Helena.” He nods. “Myka’s explained.”

“Has she?” Helena asks. “Fully?”

“How should I know?” he asks in turn, and Helena has to concede that this is a reasonable question.

“I’ll go grab Mom,” Myka announces.

“Wait—” Helena calls, but she is gone. And there Helena still is, expected to speak cogently to Myka’s father. Having recently thought about the time she spent in his daughter’s bedroom. She coughs and says, “I’m pleased to... semi-meet you.”

Myka’s father, who does not seem, based on this first semi-meeting, to be someone given to sentiment, nevertheless offers Helena a kind, if gruff, lifeline. “Semi-same. You want to go fishing?” he asks.

“Do you mean right now?”

He shrugs. “Get on a plane.”

“You have no idea how appealing that sounds.”

“Oh, I have some idea,” he says.

“And yet your wife and daughter would, I suspect, exact revenge on me if I failed to participate.”

“Get used to the feeling. Or leave the family.”

“These are my choices?”

“From where I sit.”

“You’re in a boat,” Helena observes.

“Well, or spend a lot of time fishing.”

“I don’t know how to fish.”

“Guess you’d better participate, then.”

“Or leave the family?”

“Myka hates how red her face gets when she cries,” he says. Factually. As he might state Myka’s age, or her eye color.

“You’re saying that the ‘leave the family’ option is off the table,” Helena tries.

“I’m saying that Myka hates how red her face gets when she cries.”

“You are a member of an overall very strange family.”

He leans against the back of the boat; the change in posture makes him far less forbidding. “I heard your brother married some lady because she wrecked his car,” he says, with a little conjurer’s wave of his right hand.

“Touché,” Helena says.

Helena finds herself standing next to Rick. They are both watching and listening to Myka, who with great animation is detailing for Steve and Liam—and Abigail, but Helena knows that she already knows—the motivations of the characters in “the scenario”: “This is preposterous,” Helena says. “Does anyone honestly expect me to believe that this inclination—this readiness—to deceive is a new development in Myka’s character? It seems far too well-honed.”

Rick says, “She was always really really smart—especially in a get-things-done way—but I swear to you, if I’d known she was likely to turn into somebody like this, I probably wouldn’t have gone out with her in the first place.” He pauses to scratch his blond head. “Or maybe I wouldn’t ever have let her get away? I’m really not sure.”

“Well. Too late,” she tells him, and he bows that blond head in recognition.

He then says, “I need more food,” and wanders off, presumably to find some, mumbling words that sound like “lobster” and “pizza” and “I wish.”

Steve is telling Abigail, “I like your idea about not rerunning what happened before too exactly.” Myka has given her credit, in the written scenario, for this innovation. “I bet Helena likes it too—no blood on her this time.”

Abigail says, “We’re getting fake stuff that doesn’t stain. But also, history doesn’t literally repeat. Or it shouldn’t.”

“It can’t,” Myka says. “Same river twice.”

Abigail comes back with, “Or, better, first time as tragedy, second time as farce.”

“Whatever you say, Marx,” Myka tells her.

Helena mutters, “More like the Marx Brothers in this case.”

“In this case,” Abigail says, “which time is tragedy and which is farce? Genuine question for Myka. I mean the blood situation seems to support Marx’s version, but...”

“No times as tragedy,” Myka says firmly. “First time as TV hospital drama, second time as romantic comedy.”

“Not farce? Really?” Helena asks.

“Not unless the pies start flying,” Myka assures her.

Liam says, “I think that’s technically slapstick.”

Steve laughs and gives Liam a peck on the cheek. “I love you.”

“None of it oversold,” pronounces Abigail.

“You know, you’re right,” Helena says, for Myka chooses that moment to catch her eye and smile. And Helena gives thanks.

“I’m so happy,” Myka says to Helena, as if she’s been trying not to say it but can’t hold it in. Helena welcomes the words both as themselves, and as confirmation that her impression about pretense—or rather, its lack—had been correct.

“Are you?” She doesn’t need to ask the question, but Myka seems to be multiplying her joy by speaking it aloud.

“I am. About all of it. This”—a kiss—“and also that everybody knows everything now.”

Helena feels compelled to state, “Not everybody. Not yet.”

“I just said I’m happy. Quit raining on my parade.”

“It is quite a parade. And yet Rick seems to be sleeping through it.” She points at Rick, who is on the sofa, head back, eyes closed, mouth open.

“Hey, mister!” Myka says at him, and his eyes snap open. “Nap on your own time.”

“This is my own time,” Rick objects. But he says to Abigail, who happens to be beside him at that moment. “I think I did fall asleep during part of the briefing. Are they engaged in this version?”

“Not yet. The email proxy, remember?”

“Right. Sorry. I’m just tired. Long shifts. I’ll read the cheat sheet later.” He pulls a decorative pillow to him, clasps his arms around it, and closes his eyes again. Embroidered on the pillow is a fine-featured monkey, attired to assist an organ-grinder. If Rick were wearing a fez, their kinship would be unmistakable. As it is, Helena is left to wonder why Myka has a decorative pillow that depicts a fez-wearing monkey, why she herself has never noticed that fact before, and how Myka manages not only to say things Helena does not expect but also to decorate in that way too.

Helena feels a tap on her shoulder; she turns to see Jeannie. “Mm?” Helena asks. (She imagines both Charles and Myka laughing at her for it.)

Jeannie sighs, with great ostentation. Then she points at Helena and says, “Words about destiny.”

“Mm,” Helena now says. “Myka told you. That much of it?” Everybody knows a far greater portion of everything than I was aware, she thinks.

“My daughter is a lovely person.”

“I... know?”

“But she is a talker.”

“Also known,” Helena says.

“And yet not with everyone. In fact with very few. It’s a sign.”

“Suspected, yet not entirely known. Very much appreciated, however.”

“Destiny,” Jeannie maintains.

“I don’t disagree. Also very much appreciated.”

Myka, carrying two full wine glasses, clearly in transit, bends her head to kiss Helena’s cheek. She says, “Told you it sounded more upbeat than fate,” kisses her once more, then moves on.

“Thank you,” Helena says to Jeannie.

“For?”

The entirety of this gift. “The unanticipated.”

Rick and Varsha are the last to leave, save Helena herself. She suspects Abigail and Steve and Liam, who departed together, are staging some sort of private afterparty of their own.

Jeannie hugs Rick. “Didn’t I tell you that you’d find a nice young lady?” she says.

“I don’t prefer to be thought of as nice,” Varsha informs her. She evades a hug, as if to prove her point.

“You’ve been perfectly nice to me,” Jeannie says, though with a tinge of thwarted-hug disappointment. “I asked if you’d mind if I ate the last piece of the pizza that had the artichoke hearts, and you said ‘not at all,’ even though we both liked that one best.”

“I did say that,” Varsha allows, but with a hostile witness’s displeasure that this overzealous prosecutor is using her past statements against her.

“So you’re nice under certain circumstances,” the prosecutor continues, and Myka nudges Helena and murmurs what’s a circumstance. “Are you nice to Rick?”

Rick hurries to say, “It’s all good, Mrs. B.”

Jeannie crosses her arms. “I didn’t ask you, mister.”

Helena doesn’t bother to hold back a laugh. “And just like that, you turn into Myka.”

“I’m her mother.”

Myka, for her part, doesn’t bother to hold back a snort: “Don’t even try acting like you’re proud of that, Mom. Somebody named you was complaining about being relegated.”

“In the play.”

“Also, you’re the one who got upset about not being called in to get all relegated the first time.”

“That was real.”

“Would you be happier if this were too? I could always knock back a shot or two of H. pylori.”

Helena says, “Do. Not. Tempt. Fate.” Myka gives her a comical stare, and Helena sighs and amends, “Destiny.” To Jeannie, she notes, “But I am not saying words about it.”

Varsha says, “Fate or no, I would be very interested in the case if she did knock back those shots.”

“I’m not sure what reading that gets on the ‘nice’ meter,” Jeannie says.

“Throws its calibration off completely,” Rick says. “It never works again.”

“I do like you,” Varsha tells him.

Jeannie says she will busy herself “collecting pizza boxes,” a euphemism for “ignoring the two infatuated women saying goodnight in the magic foyer.”

Myka’s conspiratorial whisper to Helena: “I’d ask you to stay, but my mother’s here.”

“Sneak out,” Helena whispers back.

“Who sneaks out of their own apartment?” Myka says this as part of a smile against Helena’s neck.

“You make me so strangely happy.”

A chuckle. “I’ll leave her a note. Still think it should say ‘be right back’? How fast are you feeling?”

“Happy,” Helena reaffirms. “But strangely so,” she adds, as well as, “Aren’t you glad you didn’t find a part for Charles in the play? Otherwise he’d be at my house, and what would we do then?”

“It’s like you never heard of this amazing invention called a hotel room. They’re incredibly romantic, plus you get clean towels every day if you don’t care about the environment.”

“You make it sound like a very judgmental place.”

“Or you can hang up the ‘do not disturb’ sign and save the environment.”

“I don’t think that’s technically what that sign is for.”

“You’re not very into mixed-use design, are you? Which is weird for an urban architect. But I’m not worried; I’ll meet Charles eventually. And in the meantime, he’s not here.”

“He is not.” And in any case Helena would throw him out into the street if it meant she could be alone with Myka...

“Don’t tell him I said this—because I want him to like me—but: good.”

****

When Helena opened her door to Myka this time, she did not need to ask “why are you here,” and she did not need to wish that Myka would push her way in: after only a breath of standing and looking, Helena pulled her, because she wanted to get Myka to the bedroom as fast as she could, not because either of them needed to be fast, but to make sure that she was there, where Helena had feared she would never be, before anything happened to prevent it.

“If this doesn’t work,” Helena said, as Myka smiled at her haste, “and I don’t see how it could, so I should say when this doesn’t work...”

“Then it’s your turn to dream something up. I know you can.” Myka stopped moving, which drew Helena to a halt too. “You will, won’t you?”

Myka’s voice held not doubt, not exactly, but somewhere within that light won’t you Helena felt a vibration, a reed disturbed by a breath of unease. “We’ll move to Maine and refuse to fish for lobsters,” she said, because she would dream something up. Something, anything—because nothing was more important than this. How could she have thought otherwise?

“From a fountain that doesn’t exist. Don’t forget that part.”

She would dream something up. She took Myka’s hand, kissed it, and began to lead her once again. “I will never, ever forget that part.”

TBC

#bering and wells #Warehouse 13 #fanfic #Helicobacter #AU week #part 14 #sorry about not linking to the other parts #but being flagged really shook me #plus the fact that ‘Santa’ (my second holiday story) didn’t show up in searches or tags #was I already on some watch list?#but while some characters in what I write do engage in adult behaviors #I wouldn't be embarrassed to show any of it to my mother #or to anybody else #(well maybe a little embarrassed)#(but I'm always a little embarrassed)#(if you aren't at least a little embarrassed then in my opinion you haven't put enough of yourself into the work)

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