#tumblr cannot stop me from posting the entire photoshoot

[pseudoartscience]

[roseinaugust]

Like an Old Enemy

Chapter Four: Maybe I Don’t Want You to Die

Summary: Miraculous Enemies AU. Gabriel Agreste has the Black Cat Miraculous in his possession, so when his wife, Emilie, "disappears," he sends his son, Adrien, undercover to pose as Ladybug's partner. Two years later, the once famous duo are sworn enemies. Marinette might have loved Chat Noir once, but now she would stop at nothing to defeat him. Adrien will do whatever it takes to bring his mother back. Best friends in their civilian lives, Adrien and Marinette find obstacles and complications when they can no longer deny their love for each other. But will they be able to understand and forgive the mistakes of their past? Or will they be doomed to end as bitter rivals a second time?

Rated: T

Pairings: Ladybug/Chat Noir Enemies, Adrien Agreste/Marinette Dupain-Cheng Mutual Pining

Word Count: 5,356

Read on: ao3

A/N: I am only posting part of this chapter on tumblr so please read the rest on ao3!

Something didn’t sit right with Adrien. 

Adrien had been racking his brain all week trying to figure out this mystery boy’s identity. He knew he should leave it alone. If Marinette didn’t want to tell him, that was her decision. But still, something was off. He could have worn a hole through the carpet of his bedroom from the amount of pacing he did that week. Marinette had never spoken of this boy who broke her heart before. He tried to find any moment that could be explained by this revelation. 

There wasn’t one. 

It’s not like Adrien thought she was lying—he saw her face when she told him, that was emotion you cannot fake—but he did think Marinette was better at hiding things than he thought. And with that, came a suspicion that he fiercely wanted to ignore. 

The idea furrowed into his brain, under his skin, an irritation that once recognized could not be left alone. He was going to go insane if he didn’t figure it out. All week, Adrien acted jittery around her, stared for too long, tripped over his words. She didn’t seem to notice his strange behavior, but if he was correct, she could easily be hiding her true thoughts. Others did notice, though. 

“Okay, what is going between you and Marinette?” It was not uncommon for Nino to start a phone call with this type of greeting. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Adrien denied, slumping into his computer chair. With his phone pressed to his ear, Adrien could hear the static of Nino’s silence, forcing a confession out of him. “Okay, fine.” It didn’t take long for Nino’s silence to convince him—he actually felt a guilty sense of relief to be able to ask Nino about it. “But this stays completely between us. You can’t tell Alya.” Nino had a habit of telling his girlfriend everything. If Adrien didn’t clarify that ‘tell no one’ included his friend’s girlfriend, Alya would know in a few seconds flat—which meant that Marinette would know too. 

“Got it, dude. Now what’s up?” 

Adrien sighed, unsure of how to phrase his question. Marinette had told him, but that didn’t mean that she wanted Nino to know. It was still her secret to share or withhold and Adrien wouldn’t expose her like that. “Marinette told me something, and I just haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. You’ve known her longer than I have. Has she…Was there anyone she dated or liked before I started school?” 

“She didn’t have a boyfriend, and as far as I know she didn’t like anyone,” Adrien sighed, he didn’t know what kind of answer he was expecting but this didn’t help. 

“Okay, tha—” 

“Except for her crush on Chat Noir.” Nino interrupted, laughing slightly. Adrien’s phone slipped from his hand. He scrambled for it, bringing it back to his ear. 

“Sorry! I dropped my phone. What did you say?” Please let this be a mistake.

“Just that Marinette had a celebrity crush on Chat Noir. She’s like his biggest fan—well, she was until he turned all evil. She was devastated after Ladybug announced he was working with Hawkmoth. But that’s probably not what you were looking for, right?” 

He was silent, there was no more denying it. His mind spiraled down the long winding path of half-baked suspicions and coincidences until he landed in the deep center—no longer able to run or hide from the fact staring back at him: Marinette was Ladybug. 

“Hello? Adrien, are you still there?” Nino’s voice brought him back to his body. 

“What? Oh yeah, sorry. My father was talking to me about a photoshoot. I gotta go, Nino.” He hung up before his friend could say anymore. 

The final puzzle piece clicked into place, allowing him to see the entire picture and it was her. It was always her. Marinette was Ladybug. She had to be. It was the only thing that made sense. A montage of memories flashed through his mind, connecting the link between them. The gum incident, her disappearance during akuma attacks, the hatred in her eyes during her date with Evillustrator—they all could be explained with the simple fact that Marinette was Ladybug. 

Because Marinette didn’t have a celebrity crush on Chat Noir. She had been in love with him. And he had obliterated her trust. Adrien reeled from the revelation that he had not only hurt Ladybug, but also Marinette. He tried to preserve his friendship with Marinette without realizing that he had already sabotaged the foundation. The cycle of destruction never rested and he had been foolish to believe Marinette was exempt. He wrecked it before their friendship had even begun. 

Why hadn’t he seen it before? In retrospect it seemed obvious. Of course the only two people he ever felt comfortable with were the same person. Of course he had fallen in love with her twice. He had been at Françoise-Dupont for a year and had no solid leads on Ladybug’s identity until now. He was beginning to think he was wrong about his assumption that Ladybug attended that school. He considered every girl there, with no evidence to suggest they were Ladybug—except Marinette. He never investigated her. Why? Maybe he always knew, subconsciously refused to look into her because he knew what he was going to find. Adrien covered his face with his hands. 

The idea repeated inside his head incessantly. Marinette was Ladybug. Marinette was Ladybug. Marinette was Ladybug. Every time it sunk a little deeper into his soul, doubt faded with every echo. He would have to fight her. It was the only way to fix his mistake. But…would this be a mistake too? To intentionally hurt the person he cared about most to correct the ruin he caused? Could more destruction ever repair the damage?

Adrien removed his hands from his face and looked up at his computer. The glowing screen portrayed a picture of Adrien and his mother sitting together, twin smiles plain on their faces. His heart ached to see her smile again—to see her again. 

He didn’t know the right answer to his dilemma, but he knew one thing: his suspicion—no matter how strongly he believed it to be true—was not enough to jeopardize his friendship with Marinette. He needed unambiguous proof, and he knew exactly how to get it. 

A/N: Reminder that this is only part of the chapter so read the rest here

[rnegitsune]

Ok so I thought I'd put together some horror stories from my time as a babymetal fan bc of how drastic the shift in the fandom has been the past year or so. For context I got into babymetal in like june of 2014 (all 3 girls were still underage at the time, I was 22; when I first got into them I thought I would be considered an older fan lmao the naivete, the innocence of new fan me wow I know now I'm not at all in the older half of the fandom esp considering I was born the same decade as su and moa), and I made this blog in I think may of 2015.

I've had people say I should compile men being gross into a post and I just couldn't do that out of fear for my own mental health but this will be pretty close. These are all my experiences with this fandom over the years; I'm definitely missing some but what I do remember should do well to cover most of how this fandom used to be vs now. It's gonna be a lot and tw for men being gross about minors.

Back in my first year or so of this blog I on multiple occasions got dms from men asking to be friends. At the time my bio only said my name and my pronouns. I've always been cautious of dms so I'd ask their age and every single one was considerably older than me. I wouldn't usually answer after that bc no thanks but they would generally try to continue convos til I blocked. The only one I still had was this one

After I put my age in my bio, which was 23 at the time, I never got a dm like that again; take from that what you will. But if you're young please be wary of this hell fandom even now. And if you're an older fan and esp an older male fan reading this, don't dm people trying to be friends. I was over 18 and it still creeped me out to no end.

One of my real first men in this fandom are disgusting moments was a blog back in like 2015 or 2016 who I had some contact with due to common interests; he was a huge yui stan and made bm content. He was like 28 or 29 at the time and I eventually noticed he would tag idols, mostly kpop girls, by their body parts (legs, butt, etc) which is disgusting enough as it is but then I saw him do the same for literal minors, like tzuyu from twice. I messaged him asking what the hell he was doing objectifying women but also actual children and he blocked me lmao. He later unblocked me to let me know that's just how he tagged things and it was my fault he had anxiety and then he blocked me again.

Back before the tumblr purge this fandom was repulsive to a degree I cannot even begin to describe. Someone would reblog something from me, I'd go to their blog and it would be underage jpop idols and japanese p*rn all the way down. I even stumbled upon a man editing underage su into p*rn gifs. Obviously no proof of that but I did go find my initial reaction to it

The number of times I'd get a follow from someone then go to their blog and it would be as mentioned above or their bio would be the most misogynistic trash I'd ever read was staggering. I genuinely considered giving up and deleting this blog so many times bc i felt oberwhelmed and outnumbered by these gross old dudes; and so the fact that this fandom has evolved into a bunch of chaotic wlw?? Amazing, I could cry.

Fun phenomenon of women running bm blogs was men sending messages asking if we liked babymetal. No joke. I think this happened to me two or three times but I spoke w other female creators at the time and it had happened to them as well. My entire blog is babymetal, and yet???

He said the weird guy idk bc he sent some random ass messages vaguely insulting me and when I responded coldly, he acted confused so I said you're some guy idk, hence the above message starting as such. Also that pic and the one up above that has my current pfp bc I just took those screenshots. Like I said I typically blocked weird dms but I guess these passed me by so I still had the messages.

Most people know the sub reddit is the worst and don't need me to tell you but it's a hellscape and I highly recommend avoiding it. A short list of things I've had to see as a result of going there: men discussing at length kano and momoko's appearances and how they look in costume vs in normal clothes. Men discussing at length the hope that the girls would marry men who aren't Japanese, a thread that was from when all 3 girls were underage. They aren't gonna marry you dude they're really not.

The insulting of billie Eilish, a 17 year old at the time, was horrible too. Su and moa got to meet her, something they were extremely excited for, and they posted a pic; the comments were disgusting as you can imagine. The yui rumors were terrible too, fatshaming, slutshaming etc all based on nothing. Some man saying the rumors about yui leaving bc, no joke this was a real rumor, she "got too fat" couldn't be true bc "look at saya." Saya being a barely 18 yo back up dancer who covered the third spot after yui left but before the avengers. Not to mention the upskirt shots from when they were minors, the constant editing of their faces onto explicit photoshoots etc. I remember being a new fan looking for a su pic on google and being horrified at the fact that one of the top suggested results after her name was “bikini;” she was 16 at the time. Also, the uptick in massively creepy posts and messages sent to bm blogs as each girl, but esp moa and yui, approached 18 was disgusting.

Now for some personal nonsense. A big reason why I haven't touched my youtube channel in months is bc I got tired of dealing with the men of this fandom. I poke fun at metal and get told I deserve to die. I say ped*philes and creepy men are gross and get a swarm of middle aged men cursing at me. Had a guy cry about how men are shamed for liking bm and then he turned around and said some gross shit about wlw. Had a guy call me racist for liking a band he also likes (and despite him having no way of knowing my own race) and tell me the babymetal fandom doesn't need my kpop feminist bullshit, which is honestly a great description and I thought about putting it in my yt about lmao. Had a middle aged man unironically say he'd never seen a man be creepy towards bm but fans su and moa's ages calling them hot was creepy. The disillusionment....the level of unawareness is astounding. If you want to see screenshots of some of these comments they are fairly recent in my don't mind me tag; I don't want to see them anymore tho bc they're infuriating so I'm not going to look at them to post here.

Essentially I haven't looked at my channel since may bc men are exhausting and rude and refuse to examine the fandoms they're a part of no matter what. They're told by a woman of the fandom that she's had bad experiences personally and they all start crying about how it's either a lie bc they haven't seen it or unimportant. I did stop reading comments in may and I will never read another one again probably as a result of this shit. Trash men being trash are not worth my time and I refuse to give them anymore of it. I do plan on making more videos tho and let my ~feminist kpop bullshit~ live in their minds rent free.

I will also continue to make fun of metal and the creepy men in this fandom bc it's important and I'm a spiteful asshole who likes disrupting these dudes perfect bubble of a fandom. It genuinely brings me so much joy seeing all the new fans recently (which sidenote if you got into them recently I am kinda curious as to how you found them; I've gotten tons of new followers and considering how inactive they are rn I'm curious). People sending messages about how they finally feel like they belong or that they have a safe space....like I don't even know what to say and I never feel like my responses fully convey how genuinely wonderful that is and how thrilled I am that this is where we're at now and I have had at least some part in it. As this post shows, my experiences have been negative for the most part so the shift recently is such a relief I cannot even begin to explain my gratitude.

So to anyone who read all of this and hasn't disintegrated from the male bullshit, thank you. Keep being yourself and fighting for your place in this fandom, esp if you're a young woman; keep making fun of the creeps and keep making wlw memes!! Babymetal's music is in such a huge way meant for girls and to see more and more finding their way to this previously hellish beyond belief fandom is incredible.

[the-far-bright-center]

Update :)

Hey everyone, it’s been a while. You may have noticed that lately there’s been a bit of a decrease in daily posts here, and that I haven’t been as consistent with tagging, etc. For the past three months, I’ve been in the middle of an unexpected and extremely stressful house move. During this time, I’ve had very unreliable and inconsistent internet access, so I decided to run this blog on a queue, and add to it with intermittent reblogs whenever I could get the chance. To say it’s been frustrating is an understatement, and I sincerely apologize to those of you who have messaged me or sent me asks during this time – I’ve been so exhausted, it’s been impossible to keep up with everything.

Thankfully, the house move is now winding down (we’re now finally in the new house, but still unpacking, settling in, etc.), so I should at least be able to resume curating this blog with more of my usual attentiveness. I’d like to say that everything will now go back to normal, but….I’m honestly not quite sure what ‘normal’ is anymore. Over the last few months, I have been thinking long and hard about my continued involvement in SW fandom, and have come to some difficult, but, imo, necessary, conclusions.

Don’t worry, I am not leaving tumblr, nor am I going to stop posting on this blog. It means too much to me to do that. However, I feel I must make it clear that, from here on out, I can no longer have anything to do with any current or forthcoming ‘New Canon’ material, whether it be films, tv series (animated or otherwise), novels, comics….just…none of it. 

Most of you know me well enough by now that I don’t think I even need to explain why, but I will do so, just in case.... 

I had always intended to completely divorce myself from the Disney stuff once Star Wars: Rebels had finished airing, but since, for a variety of reasons, it turned out that I was never able to finish watching that show through to its conclusion, this ended up happening far sooner than I’d expected. (I won’t even get into my thoughts on the renewed Clone Wars season – the less I say about it, or even acknowledge its existence, the better…for the state of my mental and emotional health, at the very least.)

My reasons for wanting—no, needing— to stay as far away as possible from Disney’s version of Star Wars from now on are many and varied [see here, here, here, and here], but ultimately it comes down to several inter-related issues, the most key being that ever since TFA, I have not been able to trust Disney with Star Wars, and will never be able to fully trust them with it ever again. It does not matter how much ‘good’ material they put out to balance out the bad, it’s too late…the damage is done. And since the version of SW as put forth in the sequels is probably the worst, most out-of-character, inaccurate, and disrespectful interpretation of my beloved story that I could possibly imagine, I therefore cannot help but view the rest of Disney’s output (however innocuous, and regardless of who writes/directs/creates it) with extreme skepticism, and an anxiety bordering on panic.

As I’ve gone over many times before, the entire premise of the so-called ‘sequels’ is anathema to pretty much all of my long-held beliefs and understanding of the saga as a whole…and to what I had, for decades, assumed that other fans implicitly understood and valued as well. And so, the fact that so many fans have so readily embraced those movies and swallowed down Disney’s bizarro version of the SW saga without hesitation or question, has continued to leave me feeling more and more heart-broken and ostracized. Not only from an entire fandom, but also from popular culture in general. It’s made me realize that, for far too many people, ‘Star Wars’ is indeed just a blockbuster series of movies, and is not the mythical two-part saga that it is to me. For far too many people, it is now, at worst, an endless, profit-churning franchise…at best, another version of an expanded universe, albeit one that has been corporately ‘canonized’. 

The fact that I can no longer relate to most other SW fans is beyond depressing for me. Something I used to take for granted – the universal appeal and relatability of Star Wars as a modern myth—no longer exists. I can’t even talk about my beloved Star Wars with people in RL anymore, lest someone let slip a spoiler that will break my heart all over again.  It is no wonder that the lead-up to every subsequent release since then (even the ones I have been actively ignoring, which is most of them) has left me a shaking, nervous wreck….and given the often fragile state of my mental health in general, this has been downright dangerous for me at times. Even just stumbling across or hearing about SW related news and announcement can leave me distressed and despondent for days on end. It takes a herculean effort for me to then reclaim a positive headspace and find my ‘happy place’ again after something like this. So I blacklist as much as I can, but it doesn’t always work, because… in order to keep this blog even remotely active, I have to peruse other SW blogs for content. And, given my need to AVOID spoilers like the plague, I struggle to do this at the best of times. Disney has so oversaturated the market with their output that sometimes it seems like every damn day there is yet another announcement of some new release. It’s just too much, and the fact that there is no end in sight is demoralizing as hell. (I dream of creating a time machine and going back to before all of this shit, just to make it stAHP.) Ultimately, all of this combines together to leave me feeling completely alienated, stressed out, and just plain unhappy.

But no more, I say. This is FANDOM….it’s supposed to be FUN. It’s supposed to make me happy. Life is already horrifically depressing and stressful as it is. And what is more… this blog in particular is supposed to be my safe space. That’s what I created it to be, in the first place.

In short, the conclusion I’ve reached is this: in order to continue enjoying the REAL my preferred version of SW in the way that I need to engage with it, I MUST completely remove myself from new Disney content. If I do not, I will lose the ability to enjoy any of it at all. 

So, my friends, while I’m not going anywhere (not just yet anyway), I do need to ask you all to please continue being patient and understanding with me about these above-mentioned issues. If you want to engage in meta discussions with me, for instance, please be aware that I will only talk about interpretations of ‘Star Wars’ as Lucas’ saga (and anything that is supplementary or supportive of that), and will not engage with anything that tries to insinuate that the sequels nonsense is even remotely part of the same story. Likewise, I beg you all to please refrain from commenting on my posts or messaging me about anything to do with upcoming releases, news, or any Disney Star Wars stuff from this point on. Again, I’m happy to discuss past content…to an extent (if you’re not sure what, please feel free to message me for clarification). But any new Disney content I just….don’t want to hear about. At all. Even if you THINK I will like it or be ok with it. The fact is… I won’t. Because Star Wars is finished. It’s a completed story. ‘IT IS ALREADY OVER. NOTHING CAN BE DONE TO CHANGE IT.’  I neither want nor need any more from it – whether as a story OR a ‘franchise’ – than what already exists.  And I become stressed and anxious the moment anyone (purposefully or inadvertently) suggests that I ought to be watching/reading/seeing/hearing about what I personally feel is just a fake version of the REAL THING that I hold dear.

Finally, I just want to clarify that, because of all of this, it’s unlikely that I will be able to keep this blog up-to-date with all the ‘latest’ content (not that I ever have done so, lol). I will, however, continue to keep it to the standards I have set so far. As always, the subject matter will be mostly be Prequels Trilogy, along with the (original!!) Clone Wars animated series (aka, seasons 1-5), Rebels (but only up through season 4a), Rogue One, and, of course, the Original Trilogy. Some supplementary material from those eras may creep in, along with occasional EU content. I just I thought I’d better make it clear that there won’t be any further ‘new canon’ on this blog…. at least, not unless some kind of unforeseen miracle happens and Disney decides to de-canonize their shitty sequel trilogy and magically make me trust them again! (ha ha I can dream)

Because it’s so difficult for me to find new content on tumblr without running into stuff I do not want to see, I have for a while now had the goal of creating my own content for those times when I can’t find anything new. Frustratingly, due to the house move, I’ve been way too busy to even contemplate that in recent times, but I do have some still-unfinished and in-progress projects that I’d like to eventually share here. In addition to this blog, I also ‘curate’ my own RL Star Wars collection, so once I get a new safe place to set it up, expect regular photoshoots of my action figures and other collectibles as well. :)

Most of all, I want to say THANK YOU to everyone who has stuck with this blog for so long. Thank you for respecting my various quirks, neuroses, and eccentricities, and for helping to keep this blog a safe space.

And to any new followers out there…. a belated, but very warm, welcome! :)  

[loghainmactir]

For the OC asks: 1, 6, 12, 14, 18, 21, 28 :)

there r so many here 😱😱😱 thank u sm…. i love love love love talking abt my OCs but i can never do it unless someone prompts me and this one is gonna get LONG so buckle in kids!!! (I’m also on mobile, so the questions have been shortened bc I just wrote ‘em down before I got into bed I’m sorry 😭) I’m also going to do 6 as a whole seperate post bc I wanna talk a little about my D&D world, tbh!

1. Three useless facts about your favourite OC.

I can’t 100% choose a favourite OC (… ok its Padril) so! I’m gonna do one useless facts for three characters:

A) Padril once tricked Tamlen as a kid into believing he’d gotten his hand bitten off by the Dread Wolf by sucking it into his shirt and wailing. The clan was not impressed, lmao.

B) Braewyn and her twin, Bradley, often binge-watch Golden Girls when they’re together and have free time

C) Irving owns a set of dragonbone dice and he has no idea how to play dice games. Like, none.

12. Favourite relationship between OCs?

I’ve done this already BUT… my other favourite relationship is between my character, Leon, and his daughter, Jordan, who’s a teenager.

Leon’s essentially got the role of Cullen for modern-day Inquisition mixed w some Leliana stuff, but he’s the one who trains everyone and orders about spies/troops. He’s an incredibly thoughtful and kindhearted guy, though a bit married to his work and sometimes it’s difficult for him to remove himself from it.

BUT… Jordan is the apple of his eye and encourages him to go out and socialise and do things Not Involving Work. They were estranged for a bit bc his work’s dangerous, but now she’s older so they spend time together offen. Similarly, Leon tries to set a good example for her and tries to encourage self-love; Leon’s black, and so is Jordan, n he knows she’s been bullied before so he tries his hardest to encourage self love re: natural hair & dark skin & imperfections like scars (bc he has a lot himself) (He’s also so fuckin awkward lmfao, he tells so many dad jokes when they’re together)

14. Which OC is most like you?

Ok so I have two. Bradley and Raul: Bradley has always a LOT of my ADHD/BPD traits and shares a decent chunk of my trauma even before I knew about it all myself. He’s also bi like me n helped me realize I was, too. Bradley’s much older n more Out There than me, though, but he really is a comfort character in the sense that it’s kinda like “u can and will be ok, he was so u can b too”.

There’s also Raul, who’s like me personality-wise; he’s a smartass, a writer, a feminist, and he really just wants to help people. He’s also afraid of large bodies of open water (like me), and he’s fuzzy n chunky like me too. I swear to god he is his own OC though akgkakf

18. Favourite things to research about OCs?

I rarely research OC things anymore, tbh, unless I’m REALLY uneducated on topics that cannot Just Be Made Up (like Harry and his world— I haven’t researched shit for that, lmao). One OC I researched a tonne on was my OC, Anthony (who’s Bradley’s child). They’re nonbinary, so I spent hours researching what that meant and how to politely portray them… and then I realized I was trans through that. I love them bc of that.

21. Describe each OC as shittily as possible.

God, I won’t do All of them, but:

Padril: that friend from university who’s now dating a man twice their age and is an “artist” (though it’s not going anywhere)

Jakeem: Gaudy Local Man Can’t Stop Bringing Dead Dogs Back To Life; Click For The Full Story! (clicking requires u to sign up & give yr credit card details lmao)

Harry: (to the tune of Hit Me Baby One More Time) MY LOWER BACK / IS KILLING ME / AND I / I MUST CONFESS / SO ARE MY KNEES (are my knees!)

Irving: You Won’t Believe How Much This Bear Can Cry!

Braewyn: “Hehehe! Got your nose!”/“Got your wallet!”

28. If they had tumblrs, what kinds of blogs would they have?

Padril: aesthetic art/travel blog…. occasionally posts selfies of himself on Loghain’s lap. Extensive tagging. Hashtag nature, hashtag beautiful, hashtag art, hashtag daddy (HE WOULD THOUGH)

Harry: completely untagged personal blog. entirely in lower case. probably black w red font. lots of complaints, lots of depressing posts, the occasional COMPLETELY indecipherable meme reblogged by @ltsarahkerrigan’s eustace (occasionally he’d post selfies of them, too). Has, like, 3 followers lmao

Jakeem: fashion/dogblr blog. Has a decent amount of followers because he often posts outfit photoshoots, except most of the outfits are from KMart/Walmart and are cleverly disguised. Definitely gets called out on a regular basis. Basic tags, still gets a tonne of notes.

Irving: a mish-mash of fandom (at least, art, photosets and gifsets), photography, and recipes. Is That Person who always leaves actual comments on posts (and often they’re irrelevant) and uses tags but uses them all wrong (for example he does them in all caps and there’s never a break in them, like: YUM RECIPIE FOOD STEAK BACON VEGGIES). Probably shouldn’t be on tumblr but he’s enthusiastic about it at least!

[bisexualamy]

Nadiya, Lup, Here There Be Gerblins, Petals to the Metal, Lenny, Tres Horny Boys, Lunar Interlude, and of course, Remmy

Yes yes yes thank you!

Nadiya: Be proud – talk about something you’re good at.

I have to put in the obligatory goofy one of, at this point, I can pretty much identify every font that comes with default Microsoft Word (2007 and back, I stopped using Word during high school and don’t own it) on sight, plus some extras that aren’t in the defaults but I use a lot in design projects.

The not goofy one is I’m very good at just... articulating myself I think is the best way to put it. It used to just come out in the fact that I’m a good writer, and I’m trying to own that more because I used to own it when I was younger and then decided I shouldn’t be so public about it because it came off as arrogant. But now it’s also coming out in the fact that like, I’m a surprisingly confident public speaker for someone who can be very insecure, and I’ve had a lot of people tell me that I have good emotional intelligence, which is a very high compliment to me. I’ve always been good at sort of, identifying what I’m feeling and explaining it to myself, but only recently have I been able to put those feelings into words and explanations that other people can understand too.

Lup: You are so loved and love in return – gush about at least one sibling, friend, or partner.

I’m so fucking grateful for the fact that I have a bunch of friends now that really just love me unconditionally. I’ve talked about it a few times on this blog but I was also talking about it with my parents now that I’m home, of how I had a very rough freshman year of college and my close friends would’ve been totally justified in taking a step back from me and didn’t. Like, the majority of those people don’t use tumblr, and the ones that do know who they are and I don’t feel super comfortable @ing them.

I don’t mean this in a way of like “you should stick by your friends no matter what” because I think it’s very important to recognize when you, personally, need to take care of yourself and stop prioritizing other people above yourself. I think it takes a specific kind of person to compartmentalize other people’s emotions away from your own life experiences, and know when to step in and when to say no, and I’m super grateful that I have a core group of people that were able to do that with me freshman year. I don’t know if I would be as healthy as I am now without having those wonderful people in my life.

Here There Be Gerblins: Embrace nostalgia – what was your first encounter with a loved one?

I hate flirting specifically because I cannot pick up on the subtly that’s intrinsic to it, and I would really much rather people just come up to me and be like “I like you; let’s date” because I feel like it saves a lot of time and emotional distress. And people don’t believe me when I say this because I’m very good at reading people, but for some reason flirting specifically is a blind spot for me. My point is that when they don’t believe me I always tell the story of how I started dating one of my best friends from high school. This isn’t technically a first encounter but it is sort of, the start of a relationship, and it’s really cute so I’m gonna tell it anyway.

He’s a year above me and we were very close friends throughout the two years we knew each other before he graduated, and then when we went to college and I was a senior we still kept in close contact. And my mom kept telling me he was flirting with me (he at one point made me a sword for a cosplay I never ended up finishing, just because he “wanted a project” and he had a wood shop in his basement) but I didn’t buy it because I assumed he’d just say something.

Anyway May of my senior year of high school he came back after his freshman year and we were hanging out a bunch and over at a mutual friend’s house and cuddling on the couch and I promise you, my internal monologue was “wow isn’t it incredible that two bi/pan guys can just be gay with each other on a couch in a platonic way” because I’m fucking clueless. And he walked me to my car when we went to leave and gave me a hug, and this was still my internal monologue up until he kissed my forehead and I went “.......wait a second. Is that platonic?” Because again, I’m so so so bad at picking up on this shit.

It got brought up like five days later and we ended up dating for a few months but after I was in college for a bit I realized I don’t like long distance relationships and we had a super civil breakup. We still talk somewhat regularly and I consider us good friends still. He knows this story and he finds it hilarious because I’ve always been very very bad at picking up on flirting, which is what finally just led to him being more direct. Case and point: I found out like, literally a few months ago that not only was he flirting with me that summer, but he was into me for at least a year before that. The sword was flirting (I know, shocking). My mom was right.

Petals to the Metal: Sometimes we need to let loose – when have you done something you shouldn’t have because it made you happy?

Unhealthy coping mechanisms that I’ve kicked or am trying to kick don’t really have a place in a thread about positivity, so instead I’m gonna go really stereotypical Art Student™. I love trespassing in places to take photographs. I’ve never like, gone to a place that I REALLY shouldn’t have been, but I have wandered around some abandoned places that were totally intended to be locked or off limits. 

Photography makes me really happy, even the process of editing the photos in post-production is very calming for me, so I try to do it when I can. Probably the most dangerous place I’ve ever done this is on live train tracks? Live in the sense that like, trains run up and down them on the daily (they’re not electrified) and I still walk along/on them, because I figured that if a train was coming I’d hear it. I, no joke, am doing this again in two days, and scheduled a photoshoot with someone on these train tracks, because the aesthetic is really nice (especially in the snow) and I’ve done it twice before, so maybe I’m a little cocky. My sister mentioned to me that I should check the train schedule and coordinate around it this time, which honestly, I probably should.

Lenny: “You may remember, you subscribed to the cylinder of the month club” – what is something you are well-known (or notorious) for?

The fonts thing definitely. I regularly get messages from people asking me to identify fonts for them. Also I say some really ridiculous things occasionally that I’ve not yet lived down. I’m not going to revive them by repeating them here. ALSO “what is Ren short for” is a game that has continued past my legal name change and will probably continue into infinity. Answers are getting increasingly creative, though Renjamin is definitely the most popular and has evolved into something people actually, regularly address me as.

Tres Horny Boys: “Nobody ever say that out loud ever again please” – what is your worst nickname?

Someone once realized that you can make a Ronald Regan pun off of “what is Ren short for” and it didn’t last because all my friends are Gays™ but that’s gotta be the worst answer to this game.

Lunar Interlude: “I hand Leon the token” – how do you make your friends laugh?

So for the longest time I was convinced I was just Not Funny At All until I started doing improv my junior year of high school and was (to me, shockingly) good at it, and then I realized it was more of a lack of confidence than anything else. This is going to sound really stilted and empirical, but doing improv off and on for a few years and performing in front of lots of different kinds of people and audiences has made me really aware of the techniques people use to make people laugh, and has given me a sort of “shorthand” for how to, in most cases, land a joke. This is not a discovery on my part: there are 100s of podcasts and books on this stuff (I literally just finished a design project on this), but it’s a lot easier for me to understand something if I’ve experienced it.

Inside jokes are always a way that my friends and I laugh with each other, but beyond that, the golden rule for me is that specificity always gets a laugh above a general statement. If your funny comment is really tailored to your audience or in general just contains a super specific detail (3.5 minutes versus a few minutes) people find it funnier. I haven’t quite figured out why yet, though. Honestly though, I’m friends with a ton of creative people, and the times we laugh the most is just when we banter in the same space together without shooting each other down. I’m trying my best to stop shooting down comments people make, no matter how ridiculous, as long as I’m not uncomfortable. Jokes tend to build on each other and so if you’re in a supportive, funny environment, things just get funnier.

Remmy: Love is a motivator – who do you want to make proud?

It might sound like a cop out but myself. I used to really hate that concept, but I’ve been recently finding a lot of power in self-improvement. I try really hard to incorporate mindfullness and reflection into my life, and recognizing that I’m in a better place (academically, socially, emotionally, etc) then where I was in the past makes me feel really content.

Like, obviously I like when people appreciate the work I do, and the support of my friends and family is very important to me, but I try not to specifically improve to make others proud of me. The person I’m guaranteed to spend my entire life with is myself, so I should make sure I’m proud of myself first.