#tumblr allows way too many tags they can not allow me to write an entire fanfiction in the tags this should not be allowed

[ilaiyayaya]

I can joke about something and still be genuine about it, comedy and sincerity are NOT exclusive.

[dmagedgoods]

Raphael Romance Event

Last reminder: Circa one week left! To celebrate the 1000 signatures for our Raphael petition a while ago, there will be the Raphael Romance Event. WHAT IS THE TASK? Create a romance scene/moment between Raphael and your Tav/Dark Urge/OC of choice. It doesn't have to be romantic in the very sense of the word. Of course, it can be, but there are many options. Make it sappy or make it bitter, make it happy or sad, sweet or heavy, a bit spicy or very vague, make it a cocky exchange, something dark and threatening, anything that works for you. Is he only toying with the MC? Manipulating them? Struggling with genuine feelings? Showing a softer side? Something else entirely? It's up to you! Once I have gathered the submissions, I will make a google doc with our collected pieces and send it to Larian via the known channels I used for the petition too, showing them how much we love that devil, thanking them for giving him to us and maybe inspire them, who knows. I will also post it on tumblr and twitter for anyone to enjoy. 💕 UNTIL WHEN? The last day to post it or to send it my way is May 31, 2024. HOW DO I SUBMIT SOMETHING? By posting it on tumblr, using the tag makeraphaelromanceable and tagging me, or by sending it to me directly, either on tumblr, twitter (dmagedgoods) or straight to my Discord account. WHAT FORMS OF SUBMISSION ARE ALLOWED?

stories (around 1500 words maximum, please not much more to not overwhelm them with text)

paintings, drawings

comics (not more than an A4 page of content)

edits (not more than an A4 page of content)

videos made from in-game material or using mods

WHAT ARE THE RULES?

The piece must include your Tav, Dark Urge, or OC of choice and Raphael (not Haarlep alone, though of course, Haarlep can be part of it).

Originally, I said one submission per person but I think we won't be too many to handle the material, so you can submit a second piece if you can't decide.

It doesn't matter if you already posted or published your submission anywhere else or how old it is.

Not much more than 1500 words of writing.

Not more than an A4 page of content for comics and edits; I know this is vague, I don't want to limit things too much but I also try to keep things balanced.

No NSFW, no gore.

No dead dove topics, no insults.

No AI-created writing or art.

Post it with the tag makeraphaelromanceable and at me in it (dmagedgoods) so I don’t miss it or just send it to me directly on tumblr, twitter, or on Discord.

[radiostaticzine]

FAQ

What is a digital zine?

Just a zine in digital format :) This means there is no limit on length and will be distributed for free as a PDF. It gives more freedom in terms of content and allows many more people to participate both in production and reception!

Why is it free/will participants be paid?

It’s free because fandom is fundamentally about community and shared appreciation of a show/ship. The original property doesn’t belong to us, and I want this to be an endeavour done purely out of love. It’s entirely for fun, and no one involved will receive any monetary compensation.

Will there be print copies and/or merch?

No. Of course, you’ll be free to print the PDF file for yourself.

What SocMed do you have?

A tumblr, a twitter account, and a discord. If possible, please do join the discord as it will be most convenient for announcements, immediate questions/feedback, and also should be a nice place to interact with other radiostatic fans. :)

Discord: https://discord.gg/uwFz8NjjGG

Twt: https://x.com/RadiostaticZine

What dates will it run?

The plan is for sign-ups to begin July 28th and end August 18th, with final submissions by December 15th with check ins along the way. Release will be planned for mid-late January depending upon staff’s availability and workload.

Is there a limit on the number of participants?

Nope! No one will be judged on whether their work is “good” enough to be included. All works are welcomed.

Can I participate if I’m under 18?

Sorry, no. All participants must be over 18. If you sign up and are later found to be (or heavily suspected to be) under 18, you will be removed from the project.

Will I be able to post my fic/art to other sites?

Yes, although we ask that you wait at least one week after the zine’s release :)

Is there a length requirement for fics?

Please aim for anywhere between 1-5k. It’s not a hard and fast rule, but we’d like to keep each fic a manageable length for practicality.

Will the zine have a theme?

Given survey feedback and my own initial feelings, not this time! If this general zine goes well, perhaps subsequent zines might explore different themes. If you would like to participate but want specific inspiration, feel free to sign up and then chat with others in the discord to discuss fun prompts or ideas.

What kind of content is allowed?

Pretty much anything as long as it's about Vox and Alastor’s relationship! All fics and art will be required to submit a rating and appropriate tags/warnings. If you have any particular concerns or questions about something you might want to write/draw, please shoot me a message. But rest assured darker themes like unhealthy relationships, gore, vore, dub/noncon etc are all fine as long as appropriately and fully warned for. Of course, cute fluff is wonderful too! The zine will most likely be divided into sfw and nsfw sections.

Is one-sided/complicated/requited radiostatic okay? What about Alastor’s asexuality?

All forms of radiostatic are welcome! One of the best things about this ship is how much variation there is in the portrayals of their relationship, and you’re welcome to explore it as you like. Similarly, asexuality is a wide spectrum and I don’t feel that it’s our place to dictate how anyone explores that with Alastor in their own work. Aroace Alastor is also loved and welcomed :)

What about sideships and VoxVal?

Sideships are fine mentioned in passing, but please remember that the focus is radiostatic. This goes for VoxVal too - as they are canonically involved at least to some degree, it’s understandable if it is relevant in fic or affects the narrative. But again, the overwhelming focus should be the radiostatic interaction and relationship.

Can I contribute both art and fic?

Yes! However, each participant will be limited to one piece per medium.

Can I help out as a mod/staff?

Yes, we will be looking for volunteers to help out! Particularly for formatting, proofreading, and cover graphics/art. Please let us know if you’re interested in your submission form :)

If you have any other questions, please reach out at any time!

Thanks for your interest <3

[greater-than-the-sword]

How to Back up a Tumblr Blog

This will be a long post.

Big thank you to @afairmaiden for doing so much of the legwork on this topic. Some of these instructions are copied from her verbatim.

Now, we all know that tumblr has an export function that theoretially allows you to export the contents of your blog. However, this function has several problems including no progress bar (such that it appears to hang for 30+ hours) and when you do finally download the gargantuan file, the blog posts cannot be browsed in any way resembling the original blog structure, searched by tag, etc.

What we found is a tool built for website archiving/mirroring called httrack. Obviously this is a big project when considering a large tumblr blog, but there are some ways to help keep it manageable. Details under the cut.

How to download your blog with HTTrack:

Website here

You will need:

A reliable computer and a good internet connection.

Time and space. For around 40,000 posts, expect 48 hours and 40GB. 6000 posts ≈ 10 hours, 12GB. If possible, test this on a small blog before jumping into a major project. There is an option to stop and continue an interrupted download later, but this may or may not actually resume where it left off. Keep in mind that Tumblr is a highly dynamic website with things changing all the time (notes, icons, pages being updated with every post, etc).

A custom theme. It doesn't have to be pretty, but it does need to be functional. That said, there are a few things you may want to make sure are in your theme before starting to archive:

the drop down meatball menu on posts with the date they were posted

tags visible on your theme, visible from your blog's main page

no icon images on posts/notes (They may be small, but keep in mind there are thousands of them, so if nothing else, they'll take up time. Instructions on how to exclude them below.)

Limitations: This will not save your liked or private posts, or messages. Poll results also may not show up.

What to expect from HTTrack:

HTTrack will mirror your blog locally by creating a series of linked HTML files that you can browse with your browser even if tumblr were to entirely go down. The link structure mimics the site structure, so you should be able to browse your own blog as if you had typed in the url of your custom theme into the browser. Some elements may not appear or load, and much of the following instructions are dedicated to making sure that you download the right images without downloading too many unnecessary images.

There will be a fair bit of redundancy as it will save:

individual posts pages for all your tags, such as tagged/me etc (If you tend to write a lot in your tags, you may want to save time and space by skipping this option. Instructions below.)

the day folder (if you have the meatball menu)

regular blog pages (page/1 etc)

How it works: HTTrack will be going through your url and saving the contents of every sub directory. In your file explorer this will look like a series of nested folders.

How to Start

Download and run HTTrack.

In your file directory, create an overarching folder for the project in some drive with a lot of space.

Start a new project. Select this folder in HTTrack as the save location for your project. Name your project.

For the url, enter https://[blogname].tumblr.com. Without the https:// you'll get a robots.txt error and it won't save anything.

Settings:

Open settings. Under "scan rules":

Check the box for filetypes .gif etc. Make sure the box for .zip etc. is unchecked. Check the box for .mov etc.

Under "limits":

Change the max speed to between 100,000 - 250,000. The reason this needs to be limited is because you could accidentally DDOS the website you are downloading. Do not DDOS tumblr.

Change the link limit to maybe 200,000-300,000 for a cutoff on a large blog, according to @afairmaiden. This limit is to prevent you from accidentally having a project that goes on infinitely due to redundancy or due to getting misdirected and suddenly trying to download the entirety of wikipedia.

Go through the other tabs. Check the box that says "Get HTML first". Uncheck "find every link". Uncheck "get linked non-html files". If you don't want to download literally the entire internet. Check "save all items in cache as well as HTML". Check "disconnect when finished".

Go back to Scan Rules.

There will be a large text box. In this box we place a sort of blacklist and whitelist for filetypes.

Paste the following text into that box.

+*.mp4 +*.gifv -*x-callback-url* -*/sharer/* -*/amp -*tumblr.com/image* -*/photoset_iframe/*

Optional:

-*/tagged/* (if you don't want to save pages for all your tags.)

-*/post/* (if you don't want to save each post individually. not recommended if you have readmores that redirect to individual posts.)

-*/day/* (if you don't feel it's necessary to search by date)

Optional but recommended:

-*/s64x64u*.jpg -*tumblr_*_64.jpg -*avatar_*_64.jpg -*/s16x16u*.jpg -*tumblr_*_16*.jpg -*avatar_*_16.jpg -*/s64x64u*.gif -*tumblr_*_64.gif -*avatar_*_64.gif -*/s16x16u*.gif -*tumblr_*_16.gif -*avatar_*_16.gif

This will prevent the downloading of icons/avatars, which tend to be extremely redundant as each image downloads a separate time for each appearance.

Many icons are in .pnj format and therefore won't download unless you add the extension (+*.pnj), so you may be able to whitelist the URLs for your and your friends' icons. (Honestly, editing your theme to remove icons from your notes may be the simpler solution here.)

You should now be ready to start.

Make sure your computer doesn't overheat during the extremely long download process.

Pages tend to be among the last things to save. If you have infinite scroll on, your first page (index.html) may not have a link to page 2, but your pages will be in the folder.

Shortly after your pages are done, you may see the link progress start over. This may be to check that everything is complete. At this point, it should be safe to click cancel if you want to stop, but you run the risk of more stuff being missing. You will need to wait a few minutes for pending transfers to be competed.

Once you're done, you'll want to check for: Files without an extension.

Start with your pages folder, sort items by file type, and look for ones that are simply listed as "file" rather than HTML. Add the appropriate extension (in this case, .html) and check to see if it works. (This may cause links to this page to appear broken.)

Next, sort by file size and check for 0B files. HTMLs will appear as a blank page. Delete these. Empty folders. View files as large icons to find these quickly.

If possible, make a backup copy of your project file and folder, especially if you have a fairly complete download and you want to update it.

Finally, turn off your computer and let it rest.

[siffrin-enthusiast]

// intro post

[Image ID: A monochrome GIF of the main characters from the video game In Stars and Time, created by insertdisc5. End ID.]

hello and welcome to my little corner of the internet!!

more information (including about the music) is below the cut but. the tldr is that i'm a happily taken bodily white 19 year old, auDHD disabled transmasc traumagenic DID system currently fixated on in stars and time, ultrakill, and nbc’s hannibal. word salad i know /silly. i go by kuiper and he/they pronouns :)

my asks & dms are always open! feel free to draw me an anon picture (currently unavailable..rip computer) or check out the submissions thread!

while you're here, consider donating to palestine to request a commission from a lovely talented in stars and time artist!! check it out at @isatforpalestine!

can't choose a campaign to donate to? gazafunds.com can choose a vetted campaign for you!!

if you're trying to get the playlist to work, you need to go to your site settings, allow audio, refresh the page, and then play it. It will update itself as you navigate through the entire blog so there aren't any pauses/cutoffs! the good news is once you figure out how to do it, it'll work until you clear all of your site cookies!

interests

there's..a lot!! i'm currently VERY fixated on nbc's hannibal, but there's also in stars and time, web design, room of swords, coding, rain world, deltarune, slay the princess, pokemon, just roll with it, hollow knight, psychology (my college major!), fnaf, inscryption, generation loss, hades, celeste, ultrakill, warrior cats, oneshot, hunger games, moon knight (show + comics), night in the woods, john constantine and a good thirty more that i'm forgetting.

if you want to talk about any of these please feel free to send an ask/dm!!

tagging system

i do my best to keep it simple because i'm too lazy to do a cool one for convenience! interests are tagged with the name of said interest (#in stars and time), and if they're somewhat newly-out, they get a "spoilers" thrown on the end of it (#in stars and time spoilers). if there's something i post about that you don't want to see, i highly encourage you to block its tag! i won't know or be offended! :)

i’ll tag anything that i think is a common thing to be tagged like death/blood, and i do it in the format of #tw death. if this isn’t the right format or anyone wants me to tag other things that i didn’t think of, just let me know! i do NOT post or reblog 18+ content at all (personal reasons).

there's also a few special tags of my own! asks are tagged with #kuiper important posts for the important stuff (like this intro post), #kuiper favorite posts for my favorites/things i return to frequently, #kuiper asks, posts where i ramble about whatever is #kuiper rambling, posts about my dissociation/system are tagged #kuiper system posting though i don’t post about it much, things about my disabilities are occasionally tagged with #kuiper disability moment! i also write fic and while i tag them with #kuiper fics, i post most of them over at my fic sideblog! (..well i DID before i burnt out.)

if there's ever anything that you need tagged, please let me know!!

requests

i'm getting pretty into making stuff so..if anyone ever wants me to try my hand at something, please feel free to ask! this is pretty informal until i set more things up! edits, pfps, icons, stimboards, userboxes, ask games, fic/drabbles, coding, i'm willing to give it an honest shot!! feel free to ask!

any and all requests will be tagged with #kuiper requests!

contact

the best way to contact me here is my dms/asks because my notifications are a. little overrun!!

don't like tumblr? don't worry! i have too many other sites! ranked from most to least used:

neocities

cohost

spacehey

dni

i use the block button liberally, as should you! it's freeing!

basic DNI criteria. you know the drill. bigots will just be blocked

people who don't believe in freeing palestine/zionists

entirely nsfw or untagged nsfw accounts.

entirely ed/sh or untagged ed/sh accounts. i understand if you're struggling with it, but if it is your entire blog, no.

syscourse. post whatever you want on your blog, just don't bring it to mine (asking my opinion, tagging me in things).

blank blogs. i will think you're a bot.

people who are still giving j.k. rowling money. shoo!!!

radfems, terfs, radqueers, transableds, proshippers, stuff like that.

anyone not on that list is more than welcome here!!

credits

theme and the lil cat popup by glenthemes

music player, playlist

the lovely dividers

in stars and time & gif by insertdisc5

siffrin looping gif

[bluedalahorse]

Hi! I hope everyone is doing well. I am popping up to let you know that I’m alive, that there’s a lot going on, that I still love YR, and that I’m thinking about boundaries and priorities.

I loved Young Royals season three. I especially love how it engaged with the legacy of Erik and the systems of Hillerska. I love that it took the idea of the legal system providing catharsis and that it threw that out the window. I love the way characters got words for what they were going through, how Felice got to name the racism happening to her and August got words to name his disordered eating. Most of all I loved the way Lisa wrote Sara’s relationship with her father and her reconciliation with Simon. That meant so much to me, and I can’t wait to imagine a future for the Eriksson siblings.

Here is a brief list of things I loved about the finale. They were all written in the afterglow of seeing the episode. I stand by them. Especially how much I loved Wille’s ending, and what happened there.

In the coming weeks, I’m sure there’ll be stuff I’m more critical of or don’t feel as strongly about. I especially have mixed feelings about the way Lisa seemed to structure 3.5 in a way that mimics the emotional roller coaster of trauma. I’m not really focusing on that stuff here or now, because I don’t want to. But it’s on my mind, and I don’t know if I’ll end up posting about it here and elsewhere.

At present this post isn’t rebloggable or tagged with much of anything. That’s because I’m trying to figure out the best way moving forward with tumblr. I don’t know if I want to delete this blog and abandon it entirely, but the pressure to present a curated version of myself is too much, and is a pretty big trigger for things like rejection sensitivity and anxiety. The pace here is also too fast and there is no way to keep up with everything, and (forgive me for this cardinal sin in tumblr-land) I wish I had some easier way to not see the same sets of gifs a hundred times with the same commentary. I’m experimenting with slower ways of doing fandom, where I can enjoy myself more.

I do, however, want a way to get the cultural footnotes for Young Royals, especially when they help me write better fic and create better fanworks. I know there’s some pretty darn useful posts about how lines get translated and various holidays and traditions (and looking forward I would like to know more about universities in Sweden, and how the monarchy works and such.) So I want to be able to find the stuff I need without having to spend as much time on what I don’t need. The resource posts people make are truly helpful.

And I also have some other fannish things I want to see here, like Les Mis and Interview with the Vampire. And the memes are nice. I miss the memes.

Before I make the decision about how I engage, I think it will be useful for me to know my priorities. So I’ve thought about them a bit, and I want to make the decisions that align with my priorities. Here’s what I want to focus on moving forward:

I want to spend more time creating. The thing that has always brought me the most genuine joy in this fandom is writing fic. YRS3 ended in a place of possibility for so many characters, and I want to keep writing about them and learning about them that way. (I won’t even lie, of course most of my ideas are about August—August and Kristina working on their intergenerational cousin relationship, August getting pulled into weekly DND sessions with Wille and Simon so they can all get better at being human together while pretending to be elves or something, August doing the personal and liberatory work that allows him and Sara to one day have a Second Chance Romance with they’re older, even August/Nils because oh boy did that season give me ideas about them I never knew I had.) One of my goals is to cut down on browsing time significantly so that I spend more time writing, especially so I can finish Heart and Homeland. I think it’ll make me happier.

I want to spend more time helping others create. Some of the most meaningful experiences I had in this fandom involved being a beta reader or hearing out another person’s fic ideas, and getting to live in that space of creation and collaboration. For that reason, I’d like to still make new YR connections on occasion, especially with people who wanna share their writing process with me. Tumblr may or may not be a place to do that. I’m still figuring out where stuff should happen.

I want analysis to be something I do as part of my creative process, and that’s it. I don’t know if this is fully true, but it felt like ten years ago there was more fandom meta focused on what fans wanted to write in their fanfics, and how their interpretations of canon led to them creating cool art. There was some meta that was about how to interpret canon “correctly” but that wasn’t the priority. Now, it feels like—and this is true even outside of YR fandom, so this is no reflection on YR specifically—there is more emphasis on having the “correct” interpretation of canon. About getting it right, and having the right predictions and interpretations. It feels competitive in a way that wears me down. From this point forward, when posting analysis, I’m going to ask myself, is this furthering my creative pursuits and my understanding of the writing process more generally, or am I just trying to win an argument? If the answer is just to win, then I’m not going to post my argument. That runs counter to my goals.

I don’t want to engage in any space where anonymous discourse flourishes. Even when well-intentioned. Being away for a while was clarifying for me on that point. Turns out one of the biggest triggers for my anxiety and shame are extensive, heated conversations where I don’t know who is saying what and who I can trust. Spaces where there’s a lot of anon conversation are probably going to be ones I block and unfollow first moving forward. It just seems like a good baseline for how I engage.

So this is where I am as of now. I’ll probably continue to hold off on doing much posting in the coming days, but I did want to poke my head up for air for a second to let people know what the state of everything is.

Here’s one picture of the plushes for the road:

And here’s a picture of the waffles I ate on finale day:

Oh, to have cloudberry jam and time spent with friends. These things are truly joyous.

[thegingerwrites]

trope selection tag game

Thanks for tagging me @ragnarlothcat !

enemies to lovers or friends to lovers - I really love it in fanfic but I haven't really found a good example in original fiction. I feel like the stakes are often lacking in original fiction. It's either, dang you guys are mean to each other, you should not be in a relationship (especially het couples) or you guys don't really have any reason to hate each other (I just read You're The Problem It's You and was frustrated by it the entire time). But fanfiction enemies to lovers? 10/10

coffee shop au or flower shop au - I knew flower shop aus were a thing, same with bakery aus or tattoo shop aus, but I don't think I've ever really read one? But I've read some very good coffee shop aus. They're good for a meet cute 🥰 Although writing this, I'm also thinking about travellingcircus 's a dark alley, a bad idea which starts out as a coffee shop au and takes a thriller turn which isn't exactly a meet cute but is extremely good

hurt/comfort or there was only one bed - ugh, these are both very good! And there was only one bed is such a classic for a reason BUT hurt/comfort is so adaptable and I love angst

found family or partners in crime - I love a found family. It always hurts when a piece of media brings a group of people together throughout the story and then they go their separate ways at the end, it sometimes feels like it devalues the character development they made together throughout the story. I'm a huge fan of finding love in multiple and unexpected forms

canon compliant or canon divergent - I don't think I can choose between these two especially with star wars and obikin. There is so much talent involved in creating a satisfying canon compliant fic where the love is there, it just doesn't change anything (and in fact, makes everything feel a bit worse). If there's a theme here, it's that I really do love a bit of angst. I'm thinking about @thedunesea 's The Labyrinth Song here. I read it months ago at this point and it absolutely wrecked me, an incredibly satisfying read. But I also love canon divergence. I love carving out a space where things could have gone different in canon

fluff or angst with a happy ending - This is another one where I was like, don't make me choose! But I'll go with angst here (and not just because a theme is developing) but because they specify angst with a happy ending which feels like the best of both worlds

1st person pov or 3rd person pov - I'm going with Lemon and Rag here. I don't really read any first person fic. I'm alright with it when it comes to original fiction but I still don't read very much of it.

soulmates or forbidden love - I've read a few good soulmate fics (which makes me think of Twin Suns by MmeIrene (I'm not sure if they have a tumblr!) which was very good) but I feel like I read more forbidden love (especially if we consider being forbidden by the Jedi Code or the Council or in original fiction we talk about things like class or homophobia forbidding people from being together)

roommates or fake dating - I absolutely agree with Rag, a lot of original fiction especially doesn't really give a good enough reason for why they're fake dating? Where as roommates allows for a lot of great pining 💕 And I could not answer this one without thinking of @darthwillies fic Roommates which is just soooo good

slow burn or meet-cute - I love and respect the power of a good slow burn. I'm not sure to what extent I'm capable of writing it but it owns my entire heart.

love triangle or polyamorous relationship - my answer to a love triangle is so often polyamory. I never read much of it until ofmd and steddyhands a few years ago and I love some obianidala. I don't know if I could ever write it to my satisfaction though, there's just so many moving parts 😅

royalty au or magic au - I feel like I haven't really encountered too many of either of these? Although I'm loving Rag's If the Shoe Fits which is maybe more of a Cinderalla au than a royalty au but Prince Obi-Wan is just too good in that fic. Put them in pretty outfits, give me some court intrigue, that sounds great!

high school/college au or neighbours au - This one was really hard! I like and dislike both of these. I don't really seek out modern aus in general tbh but I think I've read more high school/college aus. Though honorable mention goes to Heartbeat Drives You Mad by @renlyslittlerose an excellent neighbors au!

mutual pining or idiots to lovers - This one comes back to the angst with a happy ending possibilities. I agree with Rag, I think idiots to lovers can be a kind of mutual pining, maybe with more miscommunication and misunderstandings, but that idiots to lovers isn't a tag I would seek out or one that would intrigue me

I couldn't help but turn this into a bit of an obikin fic rec list for some of my favorite tropes 😅 No pressure tags in addition to the ones scattered about the answers: @usakostar @betweensaintsandmonsters @grapenehifics @unspuncreature @samstree

[dejablonde]

So I had to write a personal narrative for composition class. I wrote about post-ritual depression leading to a career change, and I thought ghumblr might enjoy. It's only 763 words (after padding it out with some extra academic phrasing) but I don't want to clog your feeds too much so it's below the cut.

"Have you ever like something so much that it rewired your brain?"

            Have you ever liked something so much that it rewired your brain? I can’t pinpoint exactly when I first heard the band called “Ghost,” but it was most likely sometime in 2022. I think the first video (from whichever of the dozen algorithms we get our content from today) pushed to my feed was their performance on Jimmy Kimmel, where they played their song Call Me Little Sunshine. I was taken aback by their theatrical look and sound. I listened to a few more songs, became a casual listener, and even bought their latest album when I came across it at Josey Records. What I can pinpoint, however, is the day I turned feral: April 9, 2023, Easter Sunday.

            Being only a casual listener still, I was curious as to what was going on when I saw that Ghost was trending on Tumblr. As I scrolled through the tag, it became more and more clear that, not only had they had dropped new music, but a new music video to match, almost entirely without warning: a cover of Phil Collins’ Jesus He Knows Me. Of course, I had to listen. From the driving intro into the first verse, to the poppy chorus, to the lyrics addressing hypocrisy from the church and its leaders, it was almost like twenty-eight years of religious trauma were healed in four minutes and five seconds, as if it were that easy. I wasn’t cured, but they certainly made a dent. I listened to it on repeat and branched into the rest of their discography.  After two weeks, I finally caved and bought myself a pit ticket to their upcoming Dallas tour date.

            When the day finally came, five months later, I could barely contain myself. I felt if I could leap hard enough, I would jump right out of my skin. I had taken advantage of the fact that I had the previous day off from work and pretended that I was taking a small trip for Labor Day. This allowed me the day off for the concert. My employers already think I’m strange enough; I didn’t see any need to make it worse by asking for time off to line up for a concert by a Satanic rock band hours early on a Tuesday. Despite the 103-degree weather that day, I made it to the general admission line around noon. I chatted with my new line buddies over the next several hours about the band, how we got into them, and a little bit about our lives in general over the water that the venue security provided. For the first time in a while, I was surrounded by people like me.

            They say that concerts can be a religious experience. I’m not sure I agree, but they’re not exactly wrong. It really is overwhelming, or at least can be. Many aspects are similar, if not the same. Between the community and camaraderie with your fellow “congregants” and the feeling of the music all the way down to your bones, there’s certainly something that happens internally. This concert (or ritual, as Ghost fans lovingly call them) was no exception. After all, when you’re a stone’s throw away from your obsession, bathed in light and confetti, you can’t help but feel a little changed.

            Post-concert depression is a very real and powerful force. It’s even stronger when you come back to work after finally feeling happy and rested only to be met with snideness not even fifteen minutes into the day. I was already dealing with years of declining morale. I wanted to be happy again, like I was the night before. I started looking at job postings immediately. I nearly got one in the same field but interviewed poorly. Eventually, I decided to make up for lost time and try to make a move into what my high-school-aged-self wanted. Or at least something close. Unfortunately, even though apprenticeship-type situations are common in the music industry, it’s very hard to break in without any kind of provable experience. I looked into some recording technology schools but didn’t really feel the need to go into debt on a loan for them. I was about to lose hope, but then I had a lightbulb moment and found that Dallas College has a program for Recording Technology. My application and registration were late in the game, but I was able to squeeze in before the start of this semester. Now, I’m finally doing something I want to do, and it’s all thanks to a funky little Swede in black and white makeup.

[little-paperboat]

Through Shadows To The Edge Of Night (3)

Here we goooo! Final chapter of "Through Shadows" is out, one day earlier than planned! 🧡 I'm super excited, it was so much fun to write! It's over 6,600 words too!! Twice as long as my usual chapters, which I didn't expect initially, but during the editing process I chose to merge the ending dialogue with another one that I had written for a later chapter, as I found it made more sense.

I'm glad that Tav and Rolan are finally having more interaction... and a little misunderstanding I was craving to write since the beginning, including that *one* scene that I imagined all those months ago and made me want to write this fic 😏

I hope you'll like it! The next part of the series will finally bring us to Baldur's Gate and to Sorcerous Sundries, and well, who knows what will happen then 👀 I'm planning to release it on next Saturday. You can follow the tag "series:forbidden fire" here on tumblr to not miss it when it comes out 🌸

And of course, I'm so grateful for all the comments, kudos and support! The Holy Rolan Empire is truly a gem, you guys are wonderful and it's super heartwarming to be part of such a kind community with so many talented artists and writers 🥹 ❤️

Read on AO3 (3/3)

Read Part 1: Wild Winds Are Death To The Candle (2/2)

She took a step towards him.

“Rolan?”

This broke him out of his stupor, his eyebrows perking up, frowning, and finally coming closer. Had he always been this tall?  

“Tav,” he replied sternly. 

Her name rolled off his tongue with ease, and something surged within her; wishing that he’d say it more often, whisper it against her skin, his lips caressing the shell of her ears— Wait, what? No! She had done so much for him, against her better judgement even, and he had been nothing but rude and a pain in the ass. No: she wouldn’t be so easily swayed. The ball was in his court, and her expectations were high. She wouldn’t be distracted by nonsense. 

She crossed her arms, unimpressed, trying to appear as nonchalant as possible.

“You brought them back,” he said finally, his eyes finding hers, a hint of hesitation colouring his deep voice. Once again, she found herself hypnotised by the golden flames dancing against the moonless sky of his eyes. “I thought my entire family was dead, and you… you brought us back together.” His voice was soft, almost emotional. She didn’t even know he could speak like this.

“Don’t mention it,” she croaked out. What was wrong with her? Gods, she needed to get a grip, now.  

“You have no cause to be humble. You did the impossible and you went out of your way to help us when most people would’ve left us to die - or worse.” 

Maybe she liked it better when he yelled at her, after all. At least it didn’t make her heart beat so fast. 

There was a pause, but before she could speak, he continued.

“I’ve lashed out at you, drunkenly and otherwise, and you helped anyway.” She fought back a smile, biting the inside of her cheeks to physically stop her lips from stretching. “You didn’t deserve that. I’m sorry. And, thank you.”

Was this real? Was this really happening? She tilted her head up at him and wished that she didn’t imagine his own gaze flickering to her lips. 

“Why are you being nice?” she asked in a hushed voice. 

“Because you were. I still don’t quite understand why you decided to help us - to help me, but you did.” He seemed to remember something, and handed her a small purse. “It’s only right that you get something in return.” 

A bag of gold sat in the palm of his hand, heavy and full. She paled, suddenly ill at ease. Was he giving her his savings? 

“Rolan, no. I can’t accept it.” It was absurd. Actually, it was offensive.  

His eyes darkened. 

“No? Is that not good enough for you?”

“On the contrary, it’s way too much. Really, I… I don’t need gold. I don’t, I swear.” 

She didn’t know how to explain to him that the sum he was handing her was probably less than her weekly allowance as a teen. 

Not that she was the kind of selfless person who refused to be paid for her services. Quite the opposite, actually: half her life so far had been dedicated to finding ways of getting and spending money, without any concern in the world for those who didn’t have any.  

But, well. Being catapulted in the middle of a refugee camp without any gold piece to spare had somewhat altered her perspective, and now she did feel bad about taking money from people in need when she knew her own coffers were still overflowing at home.

“I don’t need a reward,” she continued. “You keep it, for you, and Lia and Cal, for when—” 

“Take it, Tav.” He cut her, annoyance sharp in his voice. Clearly, he would obviously feel beyond insulted if she refused it, but at the same time, she really didn’t need it. Although, it could benefit the group, if only temporarily…

She chewed on her bottom lip, indecisive, before reluctantly taking the coin purse from him, swearing to herself that she’d find a way to give it back somehow. Her obedience seemed to please him, and he gave her a satisfied smirk that ignited a fire in her belly, a violent desire coursing through her veins. 

She wanted to know how his lips would feel against hers, how his body would react to her touch; to see pleasure etched over his handsome features and to hear him say all those nice things again, and then some. To see him happy, pleased; to make him lose his composure and show him how good it would feel to not be a stuck-up prick.  

She wanted to kiss him - she really did. 

And she wanted it now, even if he hated her. 

She had dealt with worse than that. 

“I didn’t tell Cal and Lia about what happened,” she said instead, inching just a bit closer, batting her eyelashes just so - giving him that one sultry look that always got her tangled in bedsheets under an hour. 

“I know,” he said with a strained smile. 

“You’re welcome,” she teased.   

He let out a breathy laugh.

“I thanked you once already. Don’t be greedy.” 

A glint of mischief burned in his eyes and she felt herself smirk, the flames of desire burning brighter. Oh, she was greedy alright - all she needed was a sign that he wasn’t just being polite, something, anything to let her know that he was also curious about her, and she would show him exactly just how greedy she could be.

— Read the rest on AO3 :)

(c) divider by saradika

[elletromil]

look behind (i trust that she is there)

So there was this poll on tumblr a while back and something you might know or not about me, is that i absolutely love the eurydice&orpheus myth, so of course that poll was great to me. And then it came back on my dash with added tags and comment and well... I couldn't help myself. I wanted to write it. And try to give it the same impact as the results from the polls.

I don't know if i succeeded, but i loved writing it anyway. hopefully, you will enjoy reading it

I would like to thank @honey-bee-britt @solrosan @insanereddragon and @oggalahad for the cheerleading and just listening to me losing my mind about this as i was writing

Also a big thank you to @artknifeandglue because it was great to know at least one person outside of my friend group was interested in reading the whole thing once it was done

If you all want to know what i listened to on repeat while writing this, go give a listen to It's Never Over (Hey Orpheus) by Arcade Fire.

look behind (i trust that she is there)

(also here on AO3)

Eggsy feels himself turn without meaning to.

(lies.)

He has faith, he really, really does. He truly trusts that she is behind him.

(lies again. he doubts. he is weak.)

But like almost everything he did in life, he’s fucking it up again. Even the best thing that ever happened to him, becoming a Kingsman Knight, he very nearly messed that up entirely.

(lies, lies, lies. the best thing that ever happened, it was her friendship. he hasn’t messed that up. yet.)

Eggsy feels himself turn and scrunches his eyes close even if he knows it’s already too late.

He’s failed already.

He turned to look behind.

His one chance and he messed it up.

She would be so mad at him.

(lies. she would understand. she’s his best mate. she would forgive him instantly.)

He’s so angry at himself.

He shakes his head, eyes still closed, because no.

No.

It can’t end this way.

If there is one thing he has always been good at, it is stubbornness.

It can’t be too late.

He turned, but he didn't look.

There is still a chance.

She deserves his best.

If it comes to it, he’s willing to stay here until the end of time until he gets it right.

Eggsy simply refuses to give up.

*

(and so the trial starts anew)

*

When Eggsy first heard the conditions that would allow them to leave the underworld, they had sounded underwhelmingly easy.

He had to trust that she was walking behind him? Of course he would. He had always trusted her with his back.

(it is others he does not trust with hers.)

Not looking back to check shouldn’t be too much of a hardship either.

Or so an idiot would think.

And Eggsy is guilty of many things, but being an idiot is not among those.

He’s fought too hard to survive over the years so he could get to where he stands today to believe that anything can truly be easy.

There has to be a catch somewhere. Everything worth doing has one.

(she is worth everything. she is worth more than he could ever aspire to be.)

And now, as he walks the path that will lead him out of the underworld again, he knows that he was right.

There is a catch.

He is the catch.

Eggsy trusts her more than he’s trusted anything in his life before.

He trusts her more than he trusts himself.

And so he doubts.

(he is weak.)

He believes that she is behind him. 

The deal that has been struck is fair. 

Even if he did turn-

No.

He didn’t look. He didn’t see.

He doesn’t know for certain that she walks behind him. That she ever was there in the first place.

He is starting all over again.

Maybe.

It could still be his first attempt for all that the path he follows never seems to change around him.

Maybe he did fail already.

Maybe this is punishment for his failure.

Forever walking alone in this purgatory, crippled with doubts-

No.

No, that wasn’t the deal.

He didn’t look. He didn’t see.

He keeps walking.

(he doubts.)

She has to be behind him. She has to.

Please.

He’s not above begging. Not when it comes to her.

He starts turning around to see if for once in his life his pleas have been answered but closes his eyes before the truth can be revealed.

That is not part of the deal.

He takes a deep breath to calm is racing heart.

It is not over.

(not yet.)

*

(and so it starts once more)

*

Self-confidence has always been easy for Eggsy. There has simply never been any other alternative.

Whatever he sets himself to do, he’ll succeed at.

Right until the point where he fucks up spectacularly and suffer the consequences of his failure.

But that’s the lot of anyone who isn’t born with a silver spoon up their arses.

Not that they can’t fail. They just rarely have to deal with the resulting consequences.

Take Harry Hart for example.

Eggsy doesn’t blame him for his father’s death. He doesn’t even blame Harry for not trying harder to help his mum, not when she had refused him once already. She might have changed her tune a few months later, but Eggsy rather doubts it. His mum can be just as stubborn as he is.

But that also means Harry isn’t the one who drew the short stick regarding Lee’s death.

And later, when Eggsy failed to become a Knight after Harry recruited him, well… Harry died.

Not that it stuck for long.

But all this to prove that, no matter how much Eggsy loves his mentor, some people are unburdened with the consequences of their decisions.

Further evidence to this point is how, unlike Eggsy, Harry hasn’t lost his best mate during their show-off against Poppy. Not that Merlin has come out of his meeting with a mine unscathed, but at least he is still there to snark at Harry.

Eggsy hasn’t been so lucky.

Even the version of Roxy he keeps in his mind since he met her has been rather silent since he learned the manor exploded while she was still inside.

But he’s going to fix this.

(if he can fake it for long enough.)

He’s confident he can.

(lies. lies. lies.)

Roxy is counting on him and he’s not going to fail her.

He trusts that she is there, following after him. After all, she always has been smarter than him. She would know he’s her best bet out of here.

(he thinks he is.)

(right?)

He bites down on his lower lip hard as he feels his body turn back and keeps his eyes shut through the pain.

No.

He’s not given up.

Not ever.

*

(and it starts again)

*

Eggsy keeps on walking the path leading out of the underworld.

It’s not like he could do anything else.

Not when the alternative is giving up.

That’s not something he’s ever been good at.

(lies. oh how much he lies to himself even to this day.)

So he walks.

Because it is the only thing he can do.

Because he doesn’t want to give up.

Because he’s not ready to let go.

(that is what he is really good at. not letting go. this is why he carries so much anger. he clings and clings and clings. even after it’s already too late. and it is always easier to be angry at how empty his hands are than to acknowledge the hurt and loneliness.)

(the despair.)

He wishes he could reach behind and clasp her hand in his.

But that is not the deal.

The deal is about trust.

Trust that she is there.

(oh how much he doubts.)

Trust that he is doing the right thing.

(there has never been any doubt about that.)

(the truth.)

Trust in her.

(always.)

In himself.

(he is weak.)

So what if he cannot see her shadow next to his on the wall? He’s not seen anything that would explain the warm eerie glow by which he’s been travelling. Who is he to pretend knowing the laws that governs anything in the underworld?

He’s only passing through this realm, an intruder on a mission.

That’s a feeling he’s intimately familiar with.

That lack of belonging.

It has been easier to ignore since he met her. Since he started borrowing some of the inner strength she had always seem happy to share with him.

Eggsy could use some of that now.

His body starts to turn like a flower towards the sun.

He closes his eyes before he can catch a glimpse, before he can be blinded by the knowledge of who stands behind him or not.

No.

It’s not over yet.

*

(and starts again)

*

The worse part of it all, is the deafening silence around him.

Eggsy strains to hear anything, any sounds that doesn’t come from his own disruption of the underworld.

Even his own presence is barely audible, his footsteps not making any echo and his suit barely rustling around his body.

He could come to doubt his very own existence if it wasn’t for his pounding heartbeat in his ears.

He wonders if it is the same for her.

Wonders if she has a heartbeat at all.

(she does not.)

(he hasn’t succeeded yet.)

(she is still d-)

Has she noticed its absence?

Probably.

Of the two, she always was the more observant.

She can probably hear his own thundering heartbeat from where she stands behind him.

(if she is behind him.)

Maybe this is part of it. One that went unmentioned, but nonetheless important.

Perhaps even essential.

A reminder to her of what it is to be flesh and blood.

Something to inspire in her a yearning for what she lost.

The reminder of what it is to be alive.

(of that, he is not the best example.)

He hopes he is enough.

He has to be.

Please.

Let her be behind him.

Let his trust in that not be in vain.

Please.

(he trusts-)

(lies.)

(he tr-)

(lies.)

He pleads his own body so it won’t betray him.

So it does not to turn around.

She is there. He knows it to be true.

She has to be.

Unlike his footsteps, the sob he doesn’t muffle in time echoes around him when his body twists towards where she should be standing.

He keeps his eyes shut, not caring about how it precipitates the tears rolling down his cheek.

He didn’t look.

He didn’t see.

Eggsy hasn’t failed.

*

(and starts again)

*

Eggsy walks, gritting his teeth.

Wills himself to stop feeling sorry for himself.

This is not about him.

(lies.)

It’s about her.

(the truth.)

Eggsy’s life has never been fair. He’s made peace with that. Even now, with more privileges than he knows what to do with, he doesn’t expect much out of it.

But Roxy deserves better. That is a belief woven into the very fabric of his being. Suffusing him to the last of his atoms.

It doesn’t matter if he’s the only one who thinks so.

He’s fought and rave against the world for much less before.

For her, he would go even further.

(truth again.)

He wonders if she knows.

She must.

He’s never said it out loud, but when have they ever needed words between them?

(he should have told her anyway.)

When this is all over, he’ll make sure to tell her. Even if she thinks it’s unnecessary. It’s not. It’s the most important knowledge he’s ever hold within himself.

He could even tell her right now.

Why not?

What difference would it make?

After all, he trusts that she is there.

(lies.)

As he opens his mouth on her name, he feels himself turn to look behind.

He closes his eyes before he can see.

No.

This is not how he gives up.

(he never will.)

*

(and starts again-)

*

Maybe he is becoming mad.

Maybe he already is.

Already was.

He remembers vaguely a saying that insanity is about doing the same thing over and over and over again while expecting a different result.

Put in those words, insanity sounds a lot like hope.

And Eggsy… Eggsy is no stranger to hope.

It is why he has been angry for so long.

Why waste your time in anger if you do not carry even a seed of hope anymore?

It’s why he would always get up again after being beaten down and brought to new lows.

Because he was angry. Absolutely mad with it.

Because he dared to hope.

Is it any wonder then that he is still trying to discern her shadow on the wall?

He trusts that she is there.

(... maybe.)

Eggsy doesn’t think he’s ever fought a harder battle. His senses against his faith. What he sees against what he believes.

The sight of his lone shadow should not matter.

It isn’t part of the deal.

And the deal that has been struck is fair.

(but the world isn’t. not to him.)

With a growl of frustration, he stops walking.

He’s losing sight of what matters again.

She’s supposed to be his priority.

She is his priority.

But his momentum is lost and already, he feels himself turning-

His eyes shut so that he cannot see his own shadow anymore.

This is not how he fails.

*

(and again)

*

While they’d grown past the need for words to understand each other, it doesn’t mean they never talked.

In fact, it would have been rather sad to be best mates with someone and never exchange a word with them.

It just means that the silences between them were moments of peace shared.

It is nothing like the oppressing silence he has been forced into since accepting the deal.

(lies. it started well before that. since he learned what happened to her.)

He wonders what she would think of his current endeavour.

After dealing with Poppy and the direct aftermath of her actions, he hadn’t really stop to think. He had just known that she wasn’t at his sides and that it was wrong .

What is she telling him that he cannot hear?

If their roles had been reversed, if he had been the one following Roxy out of the underworld, he knows he wouldn’t have shut up the whole way.

Even if he had known she couldn’t hear him, he would have tried anyway.

There are no reasons why he wouldn’t want to. And he doesn’t want to imagine why she wouldn’t speak to him now.

Because he trusts that she is there.

(... probably.)

“Would you talk to me if you could?”

The words fall out of his mouth before he can stop them and he hates the sound of them, how they drip with doubt.

He doesn’t need to turn around to know she would be rolling her eyes at him in annoyance.

He doesn’t need to and yet he feels himself do so anyway.

Mouth open on an apology, he closes his eyes.

This is not part of the deal.

*

(and again )

*

Eggsy cannot stop thinking about it.

The deal is fair. The deal is simple.

(it is not easy.)

There is nothing that should stop them from talking.

So if there is nothing against it, why isn’t Roxy saying anything?

Maybe she thinks she is helping him.

If he heard her voice again, he doesn’t know if he could keep on looking forward.

The temptation to look at where she stands would be hard to resist.

(he is weak.)

But the deal is to not look back. Not until they walk out of the underworld.

Is there anything she could say that would make him look if it means failure?

(he is stubborn.)

He hasn’t given up yet. He never will.

If it means getting her back, he can be strong.

(not a lie.)

But what if she stays silent because she doesn’t have anything to tell him?

What if the real price to pay is the friendship they share?

Roxy would get her heartbeat back, but never speak a word to him again.

Could he do it?

(he is selfish.)

(he will do everything he can even if it means destroying himself in the process.)

He shakes his head.

This wasn’t the deal.

There are countless reasons why she wouldn’t have uttered a word. It’s not important.

(and yet-)

He doesn’t need the reassurance.

He doesn’t.

Eggsy feels himself turn to beg her to say something anyway.

He bites down on his tongue hard until he can taste the blood in his mouth, keeping his eyes shut the whole time.

Eggsy is stronger than this.

(is he?)

*

(and again-)

*

The thing is, even if Eggsy’s life hasn’t been easy, he’s reached a point where he wouldn’t change anything about it.

The good and the bad has made him into the man he is today.

A man he is proud to be. A man he can believe others are proud of.

(the truth.)

It’s Harry who had first set him on that path. Merlin too, in subtler ways that turned out to be just as important.

But it’s Roxy who kept him on the right track in the months since.

She is worth his best and more.

She never let him forget that he is worth the efforts just as much as she is.

She reminded Eggsy that he deserves his happiness.

(not the truth. not a lie.)

He is starting to understand why it has been such a challenge to imagine what she would be telling him as they travel the underworld.

It’s not his fault, not really.

(a lie.)

But it is becoming harder and harder for him to discern who she is from what she means to him.

And with that realisation, comes another fear.

Which version of her walks behind him?

What if it’s a lie?

Would he even care?

He turns around because just a glimpse of her it would let him know if it is truly her standing behind him or if is only a construct of his own mind.

Jaw clenched tight, he closes his eyes.

Now is not the time for doubts.

It is her.

That is the deal.

He wouldn’t have settled for anything less.

He trusts that she is there.

(not a lie.)

*

(and starts one more time) 

*

He can’t tell anymore how long he’s been walking.

Days? Weeks?

(forever.)

(no time at all.)

It’s not enough to make him give up however.

As long as there is a chance, he will never stop.

A chance is all he’s ever needed.

It doesn’t matter if it takes all of eternity.

It’s a sacrifice he’s willing to make.

Roxy… Roxy probably wouldn’t agree with him on that one.

Not that she would try to stop him now that his mind is set. At least he doesn’t think so. But she would never ask him to do anything for her if the cost is his life.

It’s a good thing that this is not the deal that has been struck, so she has no reason to be angry with him.

(she will be anyway.)

Not when she would have done the same had their roles been reversed.

Roxy is usually more reasonable than he is, but if she had been offered the chance to lead Eggsy out of the underworld,  after he had died so senselessly…

Eggsy would be the one getting angry at Roxy for her reckless behaviour.

It’s easier to be angry than it is to be afraid. To be worried.

Even if he’ll never regret taking the deal, he’ll have to apologize to her once they make it out of the underworld.

(if-)

(when-)

(even now he is angry. even now he hopes.)

Not because he shouldn’t have done it. This was always the right decision. He truly believes that.

But because he didn’t leave her with any other choice.

He trusts that she is there… But she’s probably very cross with him.

It makes no difference whether she had accepted her fate or not when he made the deal. It doesn’t change the fact that she had no voice in the matters.

That is the one thing he would change if he could go back in time.

He would ask that she be heard.

(would he listen?)

Even now, he wishes she would say something. Even if she is angry.

Or worse.

Even if she is indifferent.

He just wants to hear her voice again.

But the time for bargaining is long past.

A deal is already in place.

And Eggsy really should know better by now.

He should, but still his body starts to turn towards her. He closes his eyes before he can look behind.

It’s not the time for that yet.

*

(again)

*

A thought crosses his mind, unbidden.

This is a trial for her too.

It is about him as much as it is about her.

She wasn’t given a voice, but she was still given a choice.

To believe otherwise just shows how self-absorbed Eggsy can get when she isn’t there to slap some sense into him.

He trusts that she is there, but she doesn’t have to be.

It’s not easy for Eggsy to lead the way without looking back.

(he is weak. this is why it is hard.)

But having to follow after him without having a say in the matters must not be easy on her either.

(she is strong. this is why it is hard.)

She sees him, she has to.

But can she hear him?

Earlier, what seems like ages ago, he was convinced she could hear his heartbeat. How could it be otherwise when it is thundering loudly in his own ears?

But now he’s not so sure.

Without looking back, he has to believe that she is behind.

Without any other proof, she has to believe that he came to guide her out of the underworld.

How can either of them know that they aren’t being deceived? How can they be sure while they are also being kept isolated from each other?

The deal is about trust.

And real trust is a road connecting two hearts. A road that is travelled in both direction.

Roxy is strong. Stronger than Eggsy.

(that is how it always felt at least.)

But after being confronted with his own doubts, with his own flaws, Eggsy wonders what she must have been going through.

She is strong, but she is not without any weaknesses.

He’s always known that before.

It was just more convenient to forget for a time.

He shuts his eyes just as he starts turning so he can reassure her that she is not alone. That he is not giving up.

Not now, not ever.

He can’t see her, but she can see him.

He smiles briefly before taking a deep breath.

It’s time to show the world how stubborn he is.

(how stubborn she is.)

*

( again )

*

By now, Eggsy should rightfully be exhausted.

He’s certain he’s walked more than he ever did in his entire life.

But the walking isn’t the hard part. There is no effort required for putting a foot in front of the other again and again in an endless loop. There is no exertion in the underworld.

Nothing physical anyway.

What is taking its toll are the thoughts swirling in his mind without any reprieve.

(he doubts.)

(he trusts.)

He’s not ashamed to admit that he’s not used to that level of introspection.

Not on his own anyway.

But here in the silence of the underworld, there’s no escape from it. From himself.

He thought he had a pretty good idea of the man he wanted to be. Who he had become.

And he does.

Except he’s come to realise just how much of it depends on what others think of him.

Maybe this should make him angry too. He’s spent so long trying to prove people wrong when they thought he would never amount to anything.

But there’s a difference between wanting to prove someone wrong and wanting to prove someone right.

Roxy’s opinion of him will always be important. Valuable. A scale on which he can judge his own actions.

Because the thing about Roxy is that, besides his trusts, she’s never made any demand of him. She always seen who is and never found him lacking.

And so he wants to continue to be this man for her. Doesn’t want to disappoint her. Because disappointing her would just be disappointing himself. And he’s done enough of that for a lifetime already.

That’s why he trusts that she is there.

(she must.)

Because he believes he’s doing the right thing.

(he is.)

And Roxy has always trusted him. Has always trusted his judgment.

He cannot think of a reason why either of them would ever come to regret his actions now.

But a reassurance would be appreciated anyway.

Not because he is weak. But simply because that’s what friends are for.

He really wishes she could say something. Anything at all.

He misses her.

Eggsy closes his eyes with a sigh, knowing already what is coming.

He turns to where she must be standing.

But he doesn’t look, he doesn’t see.

No.

Not yet.

*

(AGAIN-)

*

Eggsy keeps on walking.

How long has it been, he can’t tell.

He just knows that he hasn’t failed yet and so he must carry on.

More and more, it feels like he’ll be stuck in the underworld forever.

Not because there is no way out.

Eggsy knows there is one. The path is clear and he hasn’t strayed from it.

He just doesn’t how long it truly is.

He’s started over so many times.

Because he refuses to fail. Because he is stubborn. Because he is strong.

Yes, he made this deal because he was weak.

He lost Roxy and he felt so alone. Vulnerable.

It’s not something he was prepared to face again, not so soon.

He had finally found someone who never doubted him and who would always stand by him. But the world has never been fair to him and he lost her.

And Eggsy is selfish.

He made a deal to get her back because he could and he didn’t really think of the consequences. It’s never stopped him before, it wasn’t going to stop him then.

He is strong. Strong enough to deal with whatever consequences might result of his decision.

If he succeeds, he knows he’ll never come to regret it, no matter what happens.

Because Roxy is too important to him.

And if he fails…

He won’t regret it either.

Because at least he would have tried. Tried so many times that he can’t hide from himself anymore.

(at long last.)

(the Truth.)

Eggsy made a deal because he was too weak to let Roxy go.

And he’s getting her back because with her at his back, he is strong enough to conquer death itself.

He should tell everything.

But every time he opens his mouth to say something, words fail him.

He doesn’t know where exactly to start.

And telling her like that doesn’t feel right. It feels like he doesn’t really want to face her. Like he prefers to keep whatever idealistic version of her he’s built in his mind over the course of their friendship and doesn’t really care about what the real her thinks of his confession.

It feels like he’s a coward.

But he’s not.

He’s many things, but he’s never been that.

Eggsy made a deal to bring Roxy back to the living without thinking of the consequences.

He made a deal because he couldn’t deal her loss.

He believes it was the right thing to do.

Roxy might think differently. Who can ever say what others think?

Maybe getting her back will mean losing her in a more terrible way than simple death.

He still won’t regret it.

He starts turning around to tell her everything, but remembers himself just in time.

His eyes shut and her name falls from his lips.

There will be time for all of this when they make it out of the underworld.

Or maybe there won’t be.

It doesn’t matter.

This is not part of the deal.

And the trial isn’t over yet.

*

(againagainagainagainagain)

*

Time has lost all meaning.

If it ever had any in the first place.

Eggsy can’t quite tell anymore.

He just knows that he needs to keep walking.

That’s the deal he’s made.

That he may walk out of the underworld with Roxy, as long as he trusted that she was there. As long as he never looked behind.

So he walks.

He trusts that she is behind.

(Truth. Lie.)

He doubts.

That’s the only reason he can be certain he hasn’t failed yet. That he hasn’t looked behind no matter how many times he’s turned around.

He thought he had finally figured out why he was doing all of this.

That it was all for her.

That it was all for himself.

He doesn’t know anymore.

(Lie.Truth.)

The why of it isn’t important anyway.

The important thing is that they’re doing this.

Together.

If anyone can succeed, it’s them.

That he doesn’t doubt. Not even for a moment.

Everything else can wait until they’re out of here.

Whatever comes next, it will be its own challenge. But they’ll weather it together just like they always do and they’ll be all the stronger for it.

Because that’s the one thing Eggsy is coming to realise from it all.

You’re only as strong as the people you chose to stand with.

And even if they’re gone, that doesn’t mean they’ve left you.

Eggsy brushes away the tears that have been rolling down his cheeks.

He trusts that she is there.

Even if he lets her go.

He won’t lose her.

Not ever.

“Please.”

It’s a plea.

It’s a prayer.

To whom, he’s not sure. It’s not like he believes anyone is really listening.

But for her, for Roxy, he’s always been willing to do anything.

Even begging.

“Please.”

He feels himself turning around.

Closes his eyes.

He hasn’t looked.

He didn’t see.

“Please-.”

*

(one last time)

*

They walk a long time on the road of the underworld.

Eggsy leads the way while Roxy follows behind him.

They don’t exchange words. They have never needed them before. They don’t need them now either.

It would be a comfort of course, but it is not the time for comfort.

This is a trial.

A fair one, but not an easy one.

And so, they keep on walking.

They walk because they are too stubborn to give up.

They walk because there is still a chance.

Dawn is breaking when they finally make it out of the underworld.

The light is enough to hurt his eyes. He would close them, but he doesn’t want to miss a single moment of this new day, even when tears start blurring his sight.

Eggsy takes a deep breath.

Lets himself smile at the sound of the birds chirping in the trees, the sound of the wind playing in the leaves.

He smiles at the world living and breathing all around him.

And, because he trusts that she is there-

He looks behind.

[ninjagirlstar5]

Dude did you know/read -2+2 before i started interacting with your posts here or did you heard of it from seing me ramble about it? Also PLEASE get your work done first! This chapter is enormous and i wouldn't want it to ruin someone's schedule.

Also I'd love to hear your thoughts on it, not necessarily just the trial it could be of the story in general, if you feel like rambling that is ^^'

Don't worry, I spent my entire morning finishing my textbook chapter and completing a video question that I could finish in like, five minutes tops. I even shut off Discord to focus. It took four hours of my day to complete cause that's college for ya, haha. :']

Yeah, I read -2+2 before we ever interacted on Tumblr! Ngl, I didn't realize the author was you until I scrolled through your Kizuna tag on your blog and went, "hey, wait a minute, I read this fic-!" As for my thoughts on it so far, I loooove it! I love how Kizuna is forced to face the consequences of her actions while Ayame is grappling with the fact that she was this close to choosing to kill someone to save another and that her motivations weren't as pure and good that everyone makes it out to be for saving Kizuna. I love seeing how different the group dynamics have become thanks to how everyone is split up: the majority of the students sticking together, Yuki being forced out of that group due to his secret note but ultimately forming a little trio with Akane and Ayame (and I think Kizuna and Kanata, too, but they're more focused on each other atm when it comes to her recovery), and the lone wolves of Rei, Tsurugi, and Kinji. It really shows how fractured the group has become and that everyone's opinions are pretty complex and different from each other's, even when they stick to one side. I have yet to read the trial as of writing this, but Kanata's death hurts to witness, especially with how...simple it was. I believe she didn't even struggle, she was just sleeping and now, she can never wake up because someone (Kinji) took advantage of that vulnerability and killed her. I'm thinking that Kakeru, at some point, seemed to have walked in and saw what happened, whether it's his attack on Kizuna or Kanata, and tried to attack Kinji or stop him or something but I'm not sure. But her death definitely hits harder due to how simple it is and we can focus on the tragedy that Kizuna will never be able to fulfill the promises she gave to Kanata, her first friend. And how her grief quickly transforms into anger...ooooough, that's so good and in character for her, especially with how hard she's trying to improve herself now. Also, can I just say, I love how socially smart Kizuna is with her words and how she was able to bypass the third motive just by being clever with how she says things. There are many different ways for being intelligence, so seeing that play out with a character that is trying to redeem themselves is great. Ayame is also just...doing her best while grappling with herself and the thought of almost actually murdering someone, but is trying to be supportive of the others. At least being able to confide in Akane allows her to keep going, and she gets to befriend Yuki! It's so sweet...until you remember the twists with these two, haha, gotta love that dramatic irony. Oh, if (or when) we actually get there, that angst is going to huuurt. </3

Anyways, I do love rambling. And I love this fic! (Totally off-topic, but I hope my boy Teruya is gonna be okay from the whole near death experience of guns and stuff. He's gonna be okay, right? Right? I hope he's okay. I don't want anything bad to happen to him even though I know that's gonna be impossible in a killing game genre although I know his survival is pretty much guaranteed since you mentioned that you don't plan to change the death order. Doesn't mean I don't worry for his mental health though.)

[dmagedgoods]

Raphael Romance Event

Reminder: To celebrate the 1000 signatures for our Raphael petition some weeks ago, there will be the Raphael Romance Event. WHAT IS THE TASK? Create a romance scene/moment between Raphael and your Tav/Dark Urge/OC of choice. It doesn't have to be romantic in the very sense of the word. Of course, it can be, but there are many options. Make it sappy or make it bitter, make it happy or sad, sweet or heavy, a bit spicy or very vague, make it a cocky exchange, something dark and threatening, anything that works for you. Is he only toying with the MC? Manipulating them? Struggling with genuine feelings? Showing a softer side? Something else entirely? It's up to you! Once I have gathered the submissions, I will make a google doc with our collected pieces and send it to Larian via the known channels I used for the petition too, showing them how much we love that devil, thanking them for giving him to us and maybe inspire them, who knows. I will also post it here on tumblr for anyone to enjoy. 💕 UNTIL WHEN? The last day to post it or to send it my way is May 31, 2024. HOW DO I SUBMIT SOMETHING? By posting it on tumblr, using the tag makeraphaelromanceable and tagging me, or by sending it to me directly, either here on tumblr or straight to my Discord account. WHAT FORMS OF SUBMISSION ARE ALLOWED?

stories (around 1500 words maximum, please not much more to not overwhelm them with text)

paintings, drawings

comics (not more than an A4 page of content)

edits (not more than an A4 page of content)

videos made from in-game material or using mods

WHAT ARE THE RULES?

The piece must include your Tav, Dark Urge, or OC of choice and Raphael (not Haarlep alone, though of course, Haarlep can be part of it).

Originally, I said one submission per person but I think we won't be too many to handle the material, so you can submit a second piece if you can't decide.

It doesn't matter if you already posted or published your submission anywhere else or how old it is.

Not more than 1500 words of writing.

Not more than an A4 page of content for comics and edits; I know this is vague, I don't want to limit things too much but I also try to keep things balanced.

No NSFW, no gore.

No dead dove topics, no insults.

No AI-created writing or art.

Post it with the tag makeraphaelromanceable and at me in it (dmagedgoods) so I don’t miss it or just send it to me directly here on tumblr or on Discord.

[unspeakablehorror]

Where to Find Me

Date Created: 7/20/2023 Last Update: 9/1/2023

Edit on 9/1/2023: Added a link to my personal website to the Fanworks section as well, since my fanfic can be found there.

Edit on 8/7/2023: Added a second website that's for archiving fanworks and other stuff I like to 'My Websites'.

EDIT on 7/21/2023: The @ symbol was automatically redirecting (or attempting to redirect) the second part of the pillowfort, dreamwidth, and cohost urls to tumblr accounts, so I got rid of these in all the links.

NOTE: I HAVE STOPPED REGULARLY CHECKING TUMBLR.

The interface of this site has become nearly intolerable for me, and it's become clear to me over the intervening years that Mullenweg is committed to making it progressively worse. So if you've wondered if the reason I've stopped commenting on your posts has anything to do with you, let me assure you, it's not. It's not you. It's not me, either. It's Tumblr. I logged out like maybe a week ago? And it's been amazing? I can live my life again? Miss you all, though.

So anyone who knows me (or has looked through this blog carefully enough) knows I haven't been on here since 2018. But it's been a few years, so now it's time to update my 'Where to Find Me' post! Since there have been several notable changes, and because I wanted to change how this post was structured a bit, it felt easier to me to just make a new post rather than editing the old.

My Websites

Unspeakablehorror's Site - I'll be keeping copies of my fanfic here, recipes, assorted essays, and other things of interest to me here. I will also archive select works from others on this site (with the creator's permission).

New Old Web - This is my website where I talk about how the web is crashing and burning and think about how we can make it not crash and burn. I'm still building it up, but I hope I can add lots more thoughts here.

Main Social Media

I currently feel that I use Pillowfort the most and Dreamwidth the second most. Something my main social media sites both have in common? They don't take venture capital. They're also great for longform writing and conversations.

unspeakablehorror at Pillowfort - Like if Tumblr and LiveJournal had a baby. I love the way this site handles commenting, reblogs, post edits, and privacy. And I love the communities feature. I'm the mod of 3 different Star Wars comms on here: Andor, Sith Empire, and Star Wars-The Sacred Texts.

unspeakablehorror at Dreamwidth - LiveJournal but better. Interface is a bit retro but I absolutely love the tag cloud. Every social media should have tag clouds. Dreamwidth has so many customization features. Also this site has my favorite setup for privacy options. And I love the communities feature on here. I'm the mod of the Sith of Korriban comm here.

Secondary Social Media

unspeakablehorror at Mastodon (fandom.ink instance) - I am on Mastodon, too, which is similar to Twitter with respect to the character count limitations, but has many exciting ideas, like using a protocol for social media that allows accounts on different servers to seamlessly interact with each other (as long as the server isn’t blocked for incompatible rules). It also incorporates the idea of decentralization in a very intriguing way and is entirely non-profit.

unspeakablehorror at cohost.org - Yeah, I'm here too. I don't currently use this account as much, but I do check the site from time to time and I've made a few posts here. I'd be here more often if any of my friends used this platform, but I don't prefer the interface, which is too much like Tumblr for my taste. Basically this is Tumblr if the interface wasn't total garbage, lol. I think I clash with some of the core principles of this site somewhat, and the only way to delete your page is by emailing the site owners, but at least it doesn't have ads or take venture capital. This site is what happens when some furries with coding and design skills are given a bunch of $$$ to make a social media site.

You can also PM me if you want to inquire about other ways to contact me or discuss anything else. I might be a little slow to answer Tumblr PMs, but I'll try to log in from time to time to check for them. Hopefully Tumblr doesn't end up breaking that, too, lol.

Fanworks

I am actually in the process of decentralizing my fic storage! Currently using a combination of social media posts for my oneshots and external storage links to store pdfs and epubs of my longfic. These can be found by examining my 'About me' in my bio on Pillowfort and my profile on Dreamwidth. My eventual goal is to also have my own website to store my fic on.

Unspeakablehorror's Site - I'll be keeping copies of my fanfic here, among other things.

Fanfic on Pillowfort - Access all my fic from Pillowfort!

Fanfic on Dreamwidth - Access all my fic from Dreamwidth!

unspeakablehorror at AO3 - Ah, I hope AO3 can work out their, uh, severe organizational issues, but in the meantime, I'm uncertain how much presence I'm going to have on this site.

unspeakablehorror at ffnet - This site is awful. The ads alone cause me psychological damage. Probably going to have to phase out posting here.

Well, that's all. Time for me to take my leave of this ball pit!

[greatunironic]

20 questions for fic writers

approximately twenty years late for these twenty questions, but i'm here now so that counts rights? thank you to @aidaronan for the tag!

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 40

2. What’s your total AO3 word count? 711,322

3. What fandoms do you write for? currently stranger things, but i've got star wars (prequels + rebels) w.i.p.s in the google docs that i'd still love to see the light of day

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos? steddie overtook my oldest fics, so most remarkable thing is my number one, with two other fics in the same universe behind it (frozen with joy and the world throws its light), followed by all the missing girls and brutalist masterpieces

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? i try to respond to all of them because i'm trying to be more outgoing in fandom spaces; i also feel very humbled + touched by the response to my steddie stories so i try to stay engaged there when i can

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? i don't think anything is particularly angsty from stranger things -- i try to lean into optimism and hopeful endings when i can, even if something tragic happens with the story; so i would have to say the untitled companion kallus au out of rebels fandom, since part two ends on a bit of a downer.

(though various stories out of the eating in the underworld series probably qualify, especially when you're reading them chronologically...)

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? i like to think the whole of most remarkable thing, and other b-sides and rarities as the happiest, i would say? mainly because the idea of steve + eddie, alive in 2023 and thriving with their family, careers, and marriage is very dear to me.

8. Do you get hate on fics? not really

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? yes; allow me to be pretentious and say that it's typically serving a plot purpose, and often tender, sometimes silly, sometimes spicy

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written? i like a good fusion, mainly; i think the only crossover i've written + published is an ancient avengers and battlestar galactica fic

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? not to my knowledge

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? yes! remarkable has french + spanish translations, and crozen with joy also has a french translation

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? no; i'm a solitary creature by nature, and also anxious to a fault so i've never felt it was something i'd be able to do + do right by my co-author.

14. What’s your all time favorite ship? i love steddie but i gotta be honest here on tumblr dot com: kalluzeb

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? i pray every day that i'll finish all my wips; but my greatest fear is that i'll never conclude the star wars f+f au, even though the google doc is halfway written

16. What are your writing strengths? once again imma be a little pretentious and say crafting the story itself; i think i'm a really solid plotter + have good outlines that allow me to tell the story i want to tell

17. What are your writing weaknesses? probably being too wordy, and having a hard time trimming + cutting things; i have a whole google doc devoted to passages i've loved that i've excised from stories but just couldn't get rid of entirely -- i'm definitely a director's cut bitch

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? i've encorporated mando'a into a handful of star wars stories, and used a few russian terms of endearment for at me too someone is looking (rebels) -- so i think if it serves a purpose to the story, you gotta do it.

19. First fandom you wrote for? star trek, i think?? maybe stargate: sg1??

20. Favorite fic you’ve written? i love all of my children equally but differently, but gun to my head? dogfish or the other hand knocking, because both were so interesting + challenging to write in very different ways

not tagging anyone because i'm so late to the game, but if you wanna play just say i called your name!!

[neurodivergantizzetwitch]

intro post :3

hiii! im [insert name here]: a stereotypical AuDHD trans girl who still hasn't settled on a name yet-- my life isnt... going well rn, but tumblr makes it a bit more bearable and every little bit helps.

im a trans fem, more specifically i like the term demigirl- which feels like it fits me. im also ace(ish), by which i mean im ace but pretty sex favorable- just don't experience sexual attraction. im also very gay and have the best partner in the whole entire universe (they said they were gonna join tumblr soon- so ill at them here once she does.)

oh yeah and my brain is funky. im a peer reviewed (and officially dxed, but im an advocate of self diagnosis) AuDHDer- which informs basically everything i do. i also have a bunch of the mental illness stuff, and have struggled w it a lot. idrk or care what the exact diagnosis is, spend enough time around insane ppl and you learn a lot of the specific labels are pretty arbitrary and a lot of symptoms are shared- i just describe myself as fucked in the head or legitimately insane

also im never consistent w tags- sorry. maybe one day ill try to be but uh... yeah not today. i do tag for potentially triggering content tho- and try my best to be consistent w it, so if you're sensitive to the following and want to follow me for some weird reason id reccomend blocking them:

#cw sex mention, #cw: substance abuse, #cw: abuse #cw: child abuse, #cw: gore, #cw: sh, #cw: si, #cw: disordered eating, #cw: bigotry, #cw: disturbing content,

id also say in accordance w the previous thing i sometimes say things about my life that are "dark" in a way that can cross a line, i don't mean to do this- and i want to respect everyone's boundaries- but accidentally sharing super dark shit is smth i struggle w.

im a committed anarchist, and i will unabashedly post in accordance w those views. i haven't been able to help people as much as id like to bc of the whole being a minor in a fucked up situation with no money energy or time thing, but im trying to do more. If anyone reading this has suggestions- lmk.

i also like a lot of shit. like A LOT of shit- and i get REALLY obsessed w it too, so it is not out of character for me to start posting a bunch about smth i had not known existed until i got obsessed (as mentioned, AuDHDer). what ill post about is just kinda based on what im feeling that day and my interests, but heres some of my favorite things that im enamored w in no particular order:

games:

mtg

minecraft

hermitcraft (which yes is minecraft and no isnt a game but shut up)

hollow knight / skilkskong 🤡

celeste

metroid

nitw

botw

hades

books

cosmere

the locked tomb

percy jackson

the sandman

six of crows

the hunger games

lotr

spec fic, especially non-traditional spec-fic

shows/movies

spiderman across the spiderverse

made in abyss

hazbin hotel

hunter x hunter

the owl house

Pan's Labyrinth (& other Guillermo movies)

miyazaki movies

wes anderson movies

animated movies & shows

cinematic/classic movies (not neccessarily old just like the literary fiction genre of movies)

weird/offbeat movies and shows

music

coheed and cambria

mcr

jhariah

girl in red

will wood

pinkshift

jack off jill

paramore

mother mother

the cure

chloe moriando

bauhaus

cardiacs

dead kennedys

lena raine

siouxsie & the banshees

milk in the microwave

mitski

penelope scott

sungazer

45 grave

other interests/hobbies n shit

drawing

d&d

writing

painting

guitar

bass

drums

singing

music production

game design

coding

animation

character design

video production

poetry

theater (yes im a fucking theater kid did you even have to ask that)

musicals

even though im solidly gen z, i havent really grown up on the internet the same way. some weird combination of my parents' disapproval of it, social anxiety, autism, and not being allowed to use it for years means that ive had this fear of posting stuff on the internet. for so many people like me the internet has been a place to escape and be themself, to me it's more often than not just a reflection of a reality that seems just as scary and ostracizing.

the thing is... i dont have a lot of friends. i dont have a large community really. and i think though there are some ways in which my aversion to social interactions including those on the internet has been helpful, there are other ways it's really isolated me- both from my peers and a broader community of people.

so im trying to put myself out there a little more. this stupidly long intro post is i think just a way for me to commit to that for myself. ive been so scared of doing it all my life, right now i think i just need some sort of outlet to be myself. who knows? maybe i'll even meet some new friends.

[blakbonnet]

I was tagged by Jams @not-nervous-jester to share my writing process so here you go, I'm sorry but this will get a bit long and it'll not be proofread cause life's too short (and my laptop has 4% battery left) 🙃

Do you write in order?

Yes and No. I start off any writing project (whether it be fanfic or work) with a detailed outline of the major plot points. I do the endings first more often than not when I'm planning a fic, then the middle, and finally, once those are out of the way, then I'll tackle the beginning kinda.

Because I write like a person possessed, the beginnings sort of just happen on their own but I need a guideline for hitting the major points or it will be all out of whack.

How fully formed does your writing come out the first try?

About 100%. Because I am so incredibly stupid and anal about this stuff, my first try is essentially a weighty tome of garbage. You can only throw out the garbage once I'm done, you can't add more to it. I guess this analogy doesn't work but it works in terms of the ✨ vibe ✨ I'm trying to create, stay with me people!

How many drafts do you go through?

Just one actually. If there is stuff in the first draft that I am not okay with, I will stop writing and simply leave it for a week or a month until I feel like picking it up again later 😐 The only time I actually create a new draft is when parts of the original are unreadable. Actually I'm lying, I just add stuff to the first draft while whistling and being inconspicuous.

Tell me about your process.

First comes the playlist. It HAS to start with a playlist. Every project has a separate playlist. Songs can be repeated, playlists cannot be the same though. It's a thing, and if I don't do it, it'll be a whole separate thing tbh.

The playlist has to be instrumental, it has to be mainly cellos and violins for the meatier scenes, piano is okay for the fluffy non-plot filler bits that I'm writing for my own entertainment. There can be no words or bits of the fic will turn into a Metallica song, I'll be sued, I'll lose everything and most importantly, the fic would never be finished.

Next comes the poetry, stuff that is actually inspiring the work and pushing it forward. That usually goes in tumblr drafts so it's easier for me to access from my phone. This is usually screenshots from e-books or actual pictures from physical books.

Because I do a fairly detailed outline beforehand, I usually start writing the beginning because that's what I haven't planned out yet and am most excited by. This takes me the longest amount of time and I also do a LOT of rewriting at this stage because personally, as a reader, I do abandon a lot of fics if the beginning isn't doing it for me.

I use google sheets cause I'll sometimes reread my stuff over the phone but I only ever write on the laptop, my phone is mainly for rereading and obsessing.

I also edit as I go along based on feel and make notes where I need to add stuff. If I edit later once I'm done, it usually doesn't come out like I want it to.

Once chapters are done, I copy paste them into Google Translate so I can hear them being read back to me. I catch a record number of missed typos and errors this way. I'm very conscious of the way I write dialogues because I'm so nitpicky when I'm reading other people's dialogues and this also allows me to correct issues with those (the "he would never fucking say it like that" errors)

After the first couple chapters, I'll share the google doc with mutuals and friends (mostly Ara @stedebonnets ) and I don't have a beta reader. Plot points I'll discuss with Josh and Joy 😭 and I don't publish fics on ao3 until the entire thing is written cause I'm a big stinking fic abandoner lmao (smauglock fic from 5 years ago rip 🪦 sorry readers)

This is the writing process that went into Need for Stede ✌️which was incredibly fun to write!

I'd like to tag @wearfinethingsalltoowell @abigailpents @talkstoself @red-sky-in-mourning @ratchet @stedebonnit and anyone else who wants to do this!