#tryingtomakesomethingoutofit

[pixiecarmel]

A start I guess...#3dmodeling #3dmodelingandanimation #tryingtomakesomethingoutofit, https://www.instagram.com/p/Bsn22D8Fy4qRDB2AaJW-O3iZpZSXl6O4Qvz3xA0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1wsl9k7jsdsd6

[theolestrange]

I suffer from depression.

And it’s taking my life away. Not in a suicidal way. At all. I don’t want to kill myself, not anymore. I think I just want to go to sleep one night and don’t wake up until I feel ok and have my life back. Or go back in time and do some things different so I don’t end up here, tonight, thinking about all the time I’ve wasted being sad or pretending to be happy or just don’t feeling anything and coming up with excuses for not doing what I should have been doing. 

I don’t know why I’m writing this but it feels right. Here is the only place I can post something like this and not get comments that will definitely make me more anxious. I always end up saying “it’s ok, I will be fine tomorrow” when I try to talk to someone about how I feel.

What do I feel? I don’t really know. Or do I? I mean I know I feel sad a lot of times… But I don’t think that’s necessarily wrong. I think it’s more about the deepest thoughts… The shame and all of that crap. I’m not ashamed of being depressed, don’t get me wrong. I didn’t ask for it, I would stop it if I could. I’m ashamed of letting it take control of my life for all of this years and I’m ashamed that I’m nothing and no one when I know I could be doing something important or at least, I don’t know… something. I don’t like being frustrated all the time, neither, you know? Like I try to do something and it doesn’t work or I sabotage it myself because “I’m not ready yet” but what if I was and I didn’t give myself a chance but then “no, of course you are not ready, how could you be? How dare you be?”. 

I guess I’m finally lost. And tired. I’m really tired of sleeping too much or not sleeping at all, of eating too much or not having a little slice of bread, of watching every single tv show and learning every single thing that I can so I don’t have to worry about what’s going on in my life… I’m bored of going out, partying like a beast and not being able of recovering until I go out again. I’m sick of feeling sick and I just can’t hide it anymore.

So here I am, writing this text in probably a very much horrifying english to strangers who I don’t even think will even ever read this. But you know what? After a shitty day like today, it feels good to get rid of some heavy load. Good night, everyone. I hope I feel better tomorrow when I wake up.