#tryingtofindwhereibelong

[scytheknite]

F*ck

This day, in this moment, I'm not sure where we belong. I never know where home is. I never feel like I am truly wanted. I fuck up every relationship I develop. I just want to take Aurora and run to a beautiful country with amazing food and culture. Every person that cares for me ends up getting hurt in one way or another. Even those that say they will be with me- I know its temporary. There will never be a being that commits to me and accepts all of who I am. I'm alone. Most stay around just long enough to gain what they need or until I drive them away. I find myself constantly fighting for a space in this world.; always looking for a feeling of contentment and undying friendship. There is never a direction to go that makes sense. Everyone I Love gets hurt near me. I have become a living being of Karma. It has become a lonely life. It always was and continues to be so. My family doesn't want or need me near; the loves I've found always leave or push me away. Even my friends that I thought would be there till the end are nowhere to be found. Due to my own actions; No denying that. I wonder if I will ever find a home that I just belong in. A home that will keep me, love me and support me. My sexual encounters are always measured by what the other person is willing to accept. My intimate relationships are thereby controlled by their willingness to participate in a consistent connection with a being such as me. It's unfortunate: but who am I to judge them... I couldn't say that I would make a different decision if I was in their position. I was born unloved. Raised almost as a competition; and will most likely never be truly wanted. A child born of force, tossed around to those that did not want the responsibility; and now an adult: shuffled from home to home consistently unwanted and undesired. I do wonder if ill find a home for us. A place we can call home and just be content. This life is lonely; Never able to truly express how I feel without others finding a reason to blame me for the emotions i've developed from their actions. It's difficult to be the person that forces others to see their truth. Being a karmatic being is not something I would wish upon another. We are hated and haunted. We are the reflection and confirmation of the things people choose not to assert. A force of heaven and hell that most are unable to accept. I lose control and say F*ck it. Why care when they don't? Why put in the effort when it's always going to bite me in the ass? I occasionally wonder if I had not been born// how peaceful and successful others' lives would be. There's not much here for me. The friends I've found are gone, the family i was born into is dismissive; Hell, even my cat prefers other people to me. Being alone seems... safer. For others and me, most don't deserve what I have to offer hell or heaven alike. Looking for a sense of purpose and placement has become almost defeating. After so long one starts to wonder if this life is even one worth living. It's become a bigger hassle to exist than to simply not. I'm not saying I don't bite my own self in the ass; it would just be nice to have someone. Just one person to call my own and be open with: truly soul matched. To a point where no one else matters and we have each other; I don't see it becoming a possibility. People pretend to accept you as you are; yet they always have something to say when you're gone. Sh*t; I'm guilty of it myself. I'm scared- and I'm rarely afraid of anything in this life. I know I can destroy and create lives for myself time and time again. Its sad though. To feel alone and have no one to genuinely express myself to. It's always a double-edged sword trusting someone and giving them your truth. To constantly wonder if the friend you have made is really just Foe; its a battle of the ages. One never knows if the people they entrust with their darkness and light will just dismiss or abuse you. Cheers.