#trying to use this colouring w/o turning the lobster into More of a lobster was a TIME

[submariini]

PAIDATONRIEHUJA (IG STORIES) ► 2023/05/29

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

Alphabet tag...

Tagged by @theramblingrogue  Thanks!

I need to warn folks, not only do I tend to be too wordy, I’m depressed as I always am in the spring. Yes, it is still February, but this has been a freakishly warm winter with more days in the 70s than nights near freezing. I think winter ended a month ago. Like the ticks and mosquitoes I’m battling and the peach tress in full bloom, my body doesn’t care about calendars. Spring is my most miserable time of the year, so....

A - Age: Oh geez, do you have to ask THAT? I’m in the middle of a “I’m too old for anything good to ever happen to me. It’s too late for me to do anything I intended in my life. Death looms and there is nothing left to hope for.” mood. At 12 I learned that people would start to think you were “too old” for things, and it would just get worse and worse as you aged. I learned to look at my age sideways, sort of aware of being “about” so old but having to do the math to be specific. Ok, I goofed so that I ended up dealing with the shock of going from 29 to 31 because I’d lost count, but generally not thinking about exact age unless I have to has made life easier. I’m 40 something, but I refuse to think about it more closely today. 

B - Biggest fear: Doctors, nurses, dentists and other so called health care professionals. NOT of needles, surgery, and the rest but the hunan scum that abuse and misuse the power they have over you while you are so damned vulnerable. I have real reasons for my phobia of these cruel, sadistic, arrogant, peverted fools I’ve encountered. Now I am sure there are intelliegent and compassionate people in these preofessions that would never dream of inflicting shame, humiliation and a sense of violation but instead actually gove a damn about their patients. I have NEVER met one. I had experiences before I was 10 where a dentist would have been charged with assault if I’d been an adult and a doctor’s visit that felt like a rape and still causes anxiety attacks to think about. Quite literally every encounter I have personally had has been bad in some way. Even second hand has been less than reassuring with my mother battling 20 years before the asshole doctors stopped telling her she was imagining things when she was having micro stokes, my father misdiagnosed for more than six months despite us arguing it was NOT diabetes (pancreatic cancer!), my cousin given the wrong medicine that nearly killed her followed by all the records in the hospital disapearing, and....look, I could REALLY go on. Point is, I do realize my phobia is crippling. I haven’t been to a doctor in more than 20 years and know I will almost undoubtedly die of something treatable. But unless I find a way to send my body to the shop with my brain removed, I just have to learn to accept an early death.

C - Current time: 3:02 PM D - Drink you last had: water E - Every day starts with: going and getting the iPad to check the news while curled a few more minutes, mostly to put off strapping on my ankle braces F - Favourite song: I don’t really have a favorite. I like too many.


G - Ghosts, are they real: Saddly, no. As a little girl I adored “true” ghost stories, and read everything I could. Unfortunately I was also a skeptic by nature, and found myself debunking almost all of them. I wish I believed.


H - Home Town: Jamesville, NC ( NOT recommended )  I - In love with: no one and nothing. I have learned while a vague universal “love everything and everyone” is plesant, that any specific love only leads to endless pain. 

J - Jealous of: People that figure out how to focus their life on one goal or dream, then don’t have life distract them off achieving it. 


K - Killed someone: Only in fiction, but give me time.  L - Last time you cried: Today, thinking about my own worthlessness as my life spirals away from me. 

M - Middle name: Ann N - Number of siblings: 1 O - One wish: That I will one day do something I’m proud of and that there will be someone to notice and celebrate it with me. 

P - Person you last called/texted: Mom Q - Questions you’re always asked: “Are you back?” (Mom when she comes in my house after the last time she saw me was heading out for the woods,)

R - Reasons to smile: To make someone feel better? Because it is the socially expected response and someone is looking at you? Drugs or insanity? Someone attaches hooks to points along your mouth and pulls them so that the corners turn upwards? How the hell should I know! I’m depressed?!

S - Song last sang: Theme song to Fraggle Rock while Mom and I were watching it the other day. I was sooooo embarrassed! Between the teens that picked on me when the caught preschool me singing songs I used to make up and that music teacher in school that repeatedly made a thing out of loudly insisting I sing, then even louder telling me not to, I try NEVER to sing when anyone will hear. 

T - Time you woke up: 8:20something, I don’t keep a clock in my room U - Underwear colour: umm, let me check...pink 
V- Vacation destination: No vacations likely in the foreseeable future. W - Worst habit: LOL Do you really want me to list everything about myself? X - X-rays you’ve had: leg and teeth Y - Your favourite food: I don’t have a single favorite, but favorites in different catagories, like... favorite seafood-lobster,  favorite berry-raspberry,  favorite greens-chard,  favorite thing(s) at that Japanese place we go to- east roll and seaweed salad...and so on....


Z - Zodiac sign: Sagittarius

I’m tagging anyone because I’m just not up to the stress of picking. And, you know,  if I don’t tag anyone no one will feel they have to read my babbling! LOL