#trying to maintain my irl relationships and online ones and i feel like i’m drowning a lil
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ik its good that i’m going to all these auditions and callbacks but oh my god cielo is Tired
#i feel like my life hasn’t slowed down since like. march#i feel like i’m blinking and i’ve done 10 more auditions and suddenly it’s another month gone#trying to maintain my irl relationships and online ones and i feel like i’m drowning a lil#hate the stage actor life of like…..Two Jobs….#like the callback last night was damn near 3 hours after a full 8 hours of Money Work#working like 12+ hour days#and when i’m in shows and my rehearsals are like 4+ hours after work#like why can’t we just pay actors enough to do this as their sole income#so i can just work 8 hours stage acting#and come home and rest 😭#ik one day this will pay off and i’ll do theater full time but it cannot come fast enough fr……#will answer asks tonight 💗 i’m behind on everything jfldjskjsksa i apologize#cielo rambles!
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How To Win An Argument Without Making People Hate You
There’s a disturbing conversation happening in society right now: people are uncomfortable with other people’s opinions and the debates they spark.
In reaction, people are asking, “What’s the point in debating? No one’s winning any arguments. You’re not going to change someone’s opinion.”
There’s even been a small movement on social media asking friends to post pictures of art and puppies to drown out the political posts from your feed. And while I love art and puppies just as much as the next person…
Do not be guilted into believing that silence is better than debate.
When we stay silent about important issues, we perpetuate a superficial culture. This is why we know more about the Kardashians than we do about current laws that are being passed.
A silent culture is a scary culture, and a disagreement can be an opportunity to connect with someone, though not necessarily agree with them.
Now, I won’t tell you what to do with your social media feeds. I’m not the online chick; I’m the IRL chick. I’m more interested in empowering you to have interesting, engaging, and powerful debates with your friends. Don’t leave the important discussions to the pundits on TV who are vying for the best soundbite of the day.
Having differing opinions and expressing them is not the problem. The real problem is that we don’t know HOW to debate or disagree, and a healthy debate is possible as long as you know a few rules for success.
Winning an Argument
People are approaching debates from the wrong angle.
The point of debating isn’t to change someone’s mind. If you start with that goal, you’ve already lost.
The point of a disagreement is twofold: to express disagreement and to better understand your own opinions. Let’s start with the first.
Yes, the first point of a disagreement is exactly that – to disagree. Disagreements are just expression; you should be willing to express yourself and whoever you’re with should feel free to do the same. Without a disagreement, there’s no conversation. Without conversation, there’s no chance for understanding.
The second value of a healthy debate is that it provides an opportunity for you to better understand your own opinions. By expressing your opinions out loud – especially to someone with an opposing viewpoint – you are challenged to better explain your reasoning and conclusions.
I experience a similar phenomenon with my writing. I’m inspired to write many topics, but rarely does the finished product end up looking how I first envisioned it. Through the writing process, I’m forced to have clarity in my thinking process. Sometimes my thoughts become better as they are forged through the written word. Other times I abandon a concept because I realize I really don’t have enough substance to turn it into anything substantial. It was just a nice idea.
If anything, a debate is more about challenging yourself than it is about challenging someone else.
1. Free Speech Isn’t the Problem. Active Listening Is.
It’s basic Golden Rule stuff. If you want to be listened to, you must be willing to listen. The reason why debates turn ugly is because people stop listening.
Even if you don’t like someone’s opinion and even if that opinion angers you, you must give them the same courtesy that you would want from them.
2. Don’t Interrupt
Interruptions are the lowest of the low. When you interrupt someone, you are saying, “I am more important than you. My opinion and my voice deserve more respect than you and yours. I don’t care about you or your thoughts.”
When you interrupt, you lose the high ground.
If you interrupt, you have paved the way for them to interrupt you. When this happens, it is no longer a debate, it’s a fight for air time.
On the other hand, when you maintain your composure and listen without interrupting, when you’re interrupted, you can assertively and calmly say, “I let you finish your thought without interrupting. Please extend the same courtesy and respect to allow me to finish mine.”
I’ve been in plenty of disagreements where this one sentence diffuses any building negative energy. This evens the playing field and a healthy discourse can continue.
3. Maintain Composure
We are mimicking mammals.
Our mirror neurons wire us to mirror what we see. This often helps us create rapport with people. When we feel in sync with someone, we are actually in sync with them. Body posture is the same, tone is the same, speaking pace is the same. And when you are intimately in sync, breathing is the same. It is a very useful trait��.until it isn’t.
When in a debate, you must be what you want to see.
If you want a respectful, even toned, calm discussion, then you must embody respect, speak in an even tone, and stay calm. If you elevate your demeanor, then the other person’s mirror neurons will kick in. They will match the volume and emotion, and then they will ante up and escalate.
Conversely, they might initiate the escalation by putting on more threatening postures and tone. Maintain the stronger frame here. Your biology will try to work against you, telling you, “Show this guy what you’re really made of! Don’t back down!” You will feel compelled to stiffen up, square up, and show your grit. Don’t! There is no good ending with that. You will decline what was a healthy debate and threaten what is or could have been a successful relationship. It’s not worth it.
Police officers are trained to maintain a calm, assertive composure when arriving on a scene. Usually when they show up, emotions are already running high. If an officer approaches trying to out-machismo everyone else, people get hurt. Your best weapon is actually conversational jiu jitsu. You need your “opponent” to realize that their force isn’t working. They will tucker themselves out (quicker than you think) and then match your calmer energy.
4. Argue the Point, Not the Person
This is a BIG one! Name calling is out!
Once you resort to any form of name-calling, you lost the argument. It is over. You lose.
You are winning no points by using a disparaging phrase towards the person you are debating. You have killed any chance for a successful or healthy interaction.
When you shift your argument away from the topic and point it towards the person, the person’s only option is to defend themselves. And most people defend by attacking. Now you are in a fight, not a debate.
Also, no name calling includes veiled name calling. Such as, “Anyone who thinks like that is an idiot.” You didn’t directly call the other person an idiot, but you basically did. This puts them on a defensive attack just as much as if you were to say, “You’re a fucking moron.” So, no name calling of the person in front of you or the group of people who share similar views as the person in front of you.
Now, let’s just say you accidentally let a disparaging term slip. What do you do?
Apologize. Right away.
Say, “I’m sorry. That’s not fair. I didn’t mean that. I really want to discuss this issue with you.”
Debating doesn’t equal being right about everything. If you make a misstep, say you’re sorry respectfully.
On the other hand, what happens if the other person slings out a negative label or two? Reference our previous rule about staying calm and assertive. In a cool tone, say, “I’m really enjoying talking with you about this, but I really would like to keep it civil. I promise not to call you any nasty names and I’d appreciate it if you can do the same.” If they continue to do so and not respect your wishes, end the conversation.
There is no point if things have sunken to that level. Just politely and calmly say, “I’d really love to continue discussing this. I’m learning a lot from you and it’s helping me get more clarity around my own ideas. But, I really can’t continue if I feel like I’m being attacked. It’s starting to feel like a toxic conversation, so perhaps we can switch gears and just put a button on this talk for today.”
Be respectful, to both them and yourself.
5. Stay on Topic
This is tricky because it’s so easy to slip up here.
A true debate is about an issue. One topic.
When we feel like we are losing our ground on one subject it’s common to shift things to another subject. Avoid this. You’ll only muddy the waters and the two of you will be talking in circles.
If you notice that things have veered off course, politely say, “I appreciate what you just said, but I feel like we’ve strayed away from what we originally were talking about and I’d love to hear more of your perspective on that.”
6. Acknowledge and Appreciate
Appreciation is a recurring theme in all influential conversations. Acknowledgement and appreciation are signs of power, poise, and persuasiveness.
By acknowledging someone else’s point – “I hear what you’re saying.” – you are not saying that you agree with them. You are saying that you are openly listening to their point of view.
If you notice that someone continues to repeat themselves, it is likely because they don’t feel heard. If you would like to end their loop, repeat back what they have said, just say it in your own words. Again, this doesn’t mean you agree; it means you’ve listened.
Find opportunities to appreciate the other person and, yes, their point of view. They may not have come to the same conclusions as you, but I’m sure that you can appreciate some aspect of their argument – like how it is with the best of intentions or how it reflects their values. Ultimately, this is true of everyone. We all create opinions and act with the best of intentions that reflects our values. Appreciate that and continue to share your own views.
Oh, yeah. And it’s TOTALLY ok to agree with someone during a debate! (Crazy right?!) You can absolutely agree with one aspect of someone’s argument. This can only improve rapport and increase your chances of finding some common ground.
Example: Even bitter rivals can find moments to agree with one another, as this clip shows. (skip to 2:30)
7. Ask Questions
This is some gangsta shit right here. If you can get good at this, you win at life.
Instead of approaching a debate with a series of statements, ask more questions. Get Socratic up in here!
By asking questions, you accomplish three things.
First, you avoid a boxing style debate. Instead of exchanging blows, you are volleying a thought.
Second, questions are less threatening and more engaging. With questions, it is less of a debate and more of a guided monologue. You aren’t trying to prove your point. You are trying to get them to teach theirs. Through that process, you could potentially achieve the third benefit. You likely won’t change their mind, but you very well could get them to see a chink in their thought process, which could get them to at least question one aspect of their opinion.
That is a win by anyone’s standards. A question is the first step to expanding a mind.
If that happens, you deserve some chocolate.
Example: Sure there are going to be more questions from Stephen because he is the host of the talk show, but this still exemplifies a great way to ask questions instead of making statements. PLUS, Stephen follows one of our previous rules for winning an argument: acknowledge and appreciate.
youtube
BONUS: End in a Hug
Yes. I really mean that; it’s non-negotiable.
Let’s keep this healthy debate going! These are all skills that I learned from CIA agents, hostage negotiators, trial attorneys, con-artists, pick-up artists, and now, I want to help you use them to be more prosperous and successful in your own business.
Click here to get your FREE copy of my Mindreader Blueprint and start being more influential today.
The post How To Win An Argument Without Making People Hate You appeared first on Roman Fitness Systems.
http://ift.tt/2j4hM8c
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View notes
Text
How To Win An Argument Without Making People Hate You
There’s a disturbing conversation happening in society right now: people are uncomfortable with other people’s opinions and the debates they spark.
In reaction, people are asking, “What’s the point in debating? No one’s winning any arguments. You’re not going to change someone’s opinion.”
There’s even been a small movement on social media asking friends to post pictures of art and puppies to drown out the political posts from your feed. And while I love art and puppies just as much as the next person…
Do not be guilted into believing that silence is better than debate.
When we stay silent about important issues, we perpetuate a superficial culture. This is why we know more about the Kardashians than we do about current laws that are being passed.
A silent culture is a scary culture, and a disagreement can be an opportunity to connect with someone, though not necessarily agree with them.
Now, I won’t tell you what to do with your social media feeds. I’m not the online chick; I’m the IRL chick. I’m more interested in empowering you to have interesting, engaging, and powerful debates with your friends. Don’t leave the important discussions to the pundits on TV who are vying for the best soundbite of the day.
Having differing opinions and expressing them is not the problem. The real problem is that we don’t know HOW to debate or disagree, and a healthy debate is possible as long as you know a few rules for success.
Winning an Argument
People are approaching debates from the wrong angle.
The point of debating isn’t to change someone’s mind. If you start with that goal, you’ve already lost.
The point of a disagreement is twofold: to express disagreement and to better understand your own opinions. Let’s start with the first.
Yes, the first point of a disagreement is exactly that – to disagree. Disagreements are just expression; you should be willing to express yourself and whoever you’re with should feel free to do the same. Without a disagreement, there’s no conversation. Without conversation, there’s no chance for understanding.
The second value of a healthy debate is that it provides an opportunity for you to better understand your own opinions. By expressing your opinions out loud – especially to someone with an opposing viewpoint – you are challenged to better explain your reasoning and conclusions.
I experience a similar phenomenon with my writing. I’m inspired to write many topics, but rarely does the finished product end up looking how I first envisioned it. Through the writing process, I’m forced to have clarity in my thinking process. Sometimes my thoughts become better as they are forged through the written word. Other times I abandon a concept because I realize I really don’t have enough substance to turn it into anything substantial. It was just a nice idea.
If anything, a debate is more about challenging yourself than it is about challenging someone else.
1. Free Speech Isn’t the Problem. Active Listening Is.
It’s basic Golden Rule stuff. If you want to be listened to, you must be willing to listen. The reason why debates turn ugly is because people stop listening.
Even if you don’t like someone’s opinion and even if that opinion angers you, you must give them the same courtesy that you would want from them.
2. Don’t Interrupt
Interruptions are the lowest of the low. When you interrupt someone, you are saying, “I am more important than you. My opinion and my voice deserve more respect than you and yours. I don’t care about you or your thoughts.”
When you interrupt, you lose the high ground.
If you interrupt, you have paved the way for them to interrupt you. When this happens, it is no longer a debate, it’s a fight for air time.
On the other hand, when you maintain your composure and listen without interrupting, when you’re interrupted, you can assertively and calmly say, “I let you finish your thought without interrupting. Please extend the same courtesy and respect to allow me to finish mine.”
I’ve been in plenty of disagreements where this one sentence diffuses any building negative energy. This evens the playing field and a healthy discourse can continue.
3. Maintain Composure
We are mimicking mammals.
Our mirror neurons wire us to mirror what we see. This often helps us create rapport with people. When we feel in sync with someone, we are actually in sync with them. Body posture is the same, tone is the same, speaking pace is the same. And when you are intimately in sync, breathing is the same. It is a very useful trait….until it isn’t.
When in a debate, you must be what you want to see.
If you want a respectful, even toned, calm discussion, then you must embody respect, speak in an even tone, and stay calm. If you elevate your demeanor, then the other person’s mirror neurons will kick in. They will match the volume and emotion, and then they will ante up and escalate.
Conversely, they might initiate the escalation by putting on more threatening postures and tone. Maintain the stronger frame here. Your biology will try to work against you, telling you, “Show this guy what you’re really made of! Don’t back down!” You will feel compelled to stiffen up, square up, and show your grit. Don’t! There is no good ending with that. You will decline what was a healthy debate and threaten what is or could have been a successful relationship. It’s not worth it.
Police officers are trained to maintain a calm, assertive composure when arriving on a scene. Usually when they show up, emotions are already running high. If an officer approaches trying to out-machismo everyone else, people get hurt. Your best weapon is actually conversational jiu jitsu. You need your “opponent” to realize that their force isn’t working. They will tucker themselves out (quicker than you think) and then match your calmer energy.
4. Argue the Point, Not the Person
This is a BIG one! Name calling is out!
Once you resort to any form of name-calling, you lost the argument. It is over. You lose.
You are winning no points by using a disparaging phrase towards the person you are debating. You have killed any chance for a successful or healthy interaction.
When you shift your argument away from the topic and point it towards the person, the person’s only option is to defend themselves. And most people defend by attacking. Now you are in a fight, not a debate.
Also, no name calling includes veiled name calling. Such as, “Anyone who thinks like that is an idiot.” You didn’t directly call the other person an idiot, but you basically did. This puts them on a defensive attack just as much as if you were to say, “You’re a fucking moron.” So, no name calling of the person in front of you or the group of people who share similar views as the person in front of you.
Now, let’s just say you accidentally let a disparaging term slip. What do you do?
Apologize. Right away.
Say, “I’m sorry. That’s not fair. I didn’t mean that. I really want to discuss this issue with you.”
Debating doesn’t equal being right about everything. If you make a misstep, say you’re sorry respectfully.
On the other hand, what happens if the other person slings out a negative label or two? Reference our previous rule about staying calm and assertive. In a cool tone, say, “I’m really enjoying talking with you about this, but I really would like to keep it civil. I promise not to call you any nasty names and I’d appreciate it if you can do the same.” If they continue to do so and not respect your wishes, end the conversation.
There is no point if things have sunken to that level. Just politely and calmly say, “I’d really love to continue discussing this. I’m learning a lot from you and it’s helping me get more clarity around my own ideas. But, I really can’t continue if I feel like I’m being attacked. It’s starting to feel like a toxic conversation, so perhaps we can switch gears and just put a button on this talk for today.”
Be respectful, to both them and yourself.
5. Stay on Topic
This is tricky because it’s so easy to slip up here.
A true debate is about an issue. One topic.
When we feel like we are losing our ground on one subject it’s common to shift things to another subject. Avoid this. You’ll only muddy the waters and the two of you will be talking in circles.
If you notice that things have veered off course, politely say, “I appreciate what you just said, but I feel like we’ve strayed away from what we originally were talking about and I’d love to hear more of your perspective on that.”
6. Acknowledge and Appreciate
Appreciation is a recurring theme in all influential conversations. Acknowledgement and appreciation are signs of power, poise, and persuasiveness.
By acknowledging someone else’s point – “I hear what you’re saying.” – you are not saying that you agree with them. You are saying that you are openly listening to their point of view.
If you notice that someone continues to repeat themselves, it is likely because they don’t feel heard. If you would like to end their loop, repeat back what they have said, just say it in your own words. Again, this doesn’t mean you agree; it means you’ve listened.
Find opportunities to appreciate the other person and, yes, their point of view. They may not have come to the same conclusions as you, but I’m sure that you can appreciate some aspect of their argument – like how it is with the best of intentions or how it reflects their values. Ultimately, this is true of everyone. We all create opinions and act with the best of intentions that reflects our values. Appreciate that and continue to share your own views.
Oh, yeah. And it’s TOTALLY ok to agree with someone during a debate! (Crazy right?!) You can absolutely agree with one aspect of someone’s argument. This can only improve rapport and increase your chances of finding some common ground.
Example: Even bitter rivals can find moments to agree with one another, as this clip shows. (skip to 2:30)
7. Ask Questions
This is some gangsta shit right here. If you can get good at this, you win at life.
Instead of approaching a debate with a series of statements, ask more questions. Get Socratic up in here!
By asking questions, you accomplish three things.
First, you avoid a boxing style debate. Instead of exchanging blows, you are volleying a thought.
Second, questions are less threatening and more engaging. With questions, it is less of a debate and more of a guided monologue. You aren’t trying to prove your point. You are trying to get them to teach theirs. Through that process, you could potentially achieve the third benefit. You likely won’t change their mind, but you very well could get them to see a chink in their thought process, which could get them to at least question one aspect of their opinion.
That is a win by anyone’s standards. A question is the first step to expanding a mind.
If that happens, you deserve some chocolate.
Example: Sure there are going to be more questions from Stephen because he is the host of the talk show, but this still exemplifies a great way to ask questions instead of making statements. PLUS, Stephen follows one of our previous rules for winning an argument: acknowledge and appreciate.
youtube
BONUS: End in a Hug
Yes. I really mean that; it’s non-negotiable.
Let’s keep this healthy debate going! These are all skills that I learned from CIA agents, hostage negotiators, trial attorneys, con-artists, pick-up artists, and now, I want to help you use them to be more prosperous and successful in your own business.
Click here to get your FREE copy of my Mindreader Blueprint and start being more influential today.
The post How To Win An Argument Without Making People Hate You appeared first on Roman Fitness Systems.
http://ift.tt/2j4hM8c
0 notes
Text
How To Win An Argument Without Making People Hate You
There’s a disturbing conversation happening in society right now: people are uncomfortable with other people’s opinions and the debates they spark.
In reaction, people are asking, “What’s the point in debating? No one’s winning any arguments. You’re not going to change someone’s opinion.”
There’s even been a small movement on social media asking friends to post pictures of art and puppies to drown out the political posts from your feed. And while I love art and puppies just as much as the next person…
Do not be guilted into believing that silence is better than debate.
When we stay silent about important issues, we perpetuate a superficial culture. This is why we know more about the Kardashians than we do about current laws that are being passed.
A silent culture is a scary culture, and a disagreement can be an opportunity to connect with someone, though not necessarily agree with them.
Now, I won’t tell you what to do with your social media feeds. I’m not the online chick; I’m the IRL chick. I’m more interested in empowering you to have interesting, engaging, and powerful debates with your friends. Don’t leave the important discussions to the pundits on TV who are vying for the best soundbite of the day.
Having differing opinions and expressing them is not the problem. The real problem is that we don’t know HOW to debate or disagree, and a healthy debate is possible as long as you know a few rules for success.
Winning an Argument
People are approaching debates from the wrong angle.
The point of debating isn’t to change someone’s mind. If you start with that goal, you’ve already lost.
The point of a disagreement is twofold: to express disagreement and to better understand your own opinions. Let’s start with the first.
Yes, the first point of a disagreement is exactly that – to disagree. Disagreements are just expression; you should be willing to express yourself and whoever you’re with should feel free to do the same. Without a disagreement, there’s no conversation. Without conversation, there’s no chance for understanding.
The second value of a healthy debate is that it provides an opportunity for you to better understand your own opinions. By expressing your opinions out loud – especially to someone with an opposing viewpoint – you are challenged to better explain your reasoning and conclusions.
I experience a similar phenomenon with my writing. I’m inspired to write many topics, but rarely does the finished product end up looking how I first envisioned it. Through the writing process, I’m forced to have clarity in my thinking process. Sometimes my thoughts become better as they are forged through the written word. Other times I abandon a concept because I realize I really don’t have enough substance to turn it into anything substantial. It was just a nice idea.
If anything, a debate is more about challenging yourself than it is about challenging someone else.
1. Free Speech Isn’t the Problem. Active Listening Is.
It’s basic Golden Rule stuff. If you want to be listened to, you must be willing to listen. The reason why debates turn ugly is because people stop listening.
Even if you don’t like someone’s opinion and even if that opinion angers you, you must give them the same courtesy that you would want from them.
2. Don’t Interrupt
Interruptions are the lowest of the low. When you interrupt someone, you are saying, “I am more important than you. My opinion and my voice deserve more respect than you and yours. I don’t care about you or your thoughts.”
When you interrupt, you lose the high ground.
If you interrupt, you have paved the way for them to interrupt you. When this happens, it is no longer a debate, it’s a fight for air time.
On the other hand, when you maintain your composure and listen without interrupting, when you’re interrupted, you can assertively and calmly say, “I let you finish your thought without interrupting. Please extend the same courtesy and respect to allow me to finish mine.”
I’ve been in plenty of disagreements where this one sentence diffuses any building negative energy. This evens the playing field and a healthy discourse can continue.
3. Maintain Composure
We are mimicking mammals.
Our mirror neurons wire us to mirror what we see. This often helps us create rapport with people. When we feel in sync with someone, we are actually in sync with them. Body posture is the same, tone is the same, speaking pace is the same. And when you are intimately in sync, breathing is the same. It is a very useful trait….until it isn’t.
When in a debate, you must be what you want to see.
If you want a respectful, even toned, calm discussion, then you must embody respect, speak in an even tone, and stay calm. If you elevate your demeanor, then the other person’s mirror neurons will kick in. They will match the volume and emotion, and then they will ante up and escalate.
Conversely, they might initiate the escalation by putting on more threatening postures and tone. Maintain the stronger frame here. Your biology will try to work against you, telling you, “Show this guy what you’re really made of! Don’t back down!” You will feel compelled to stiffen up, square up, and show your grit. Don’t! There is no good ending with that. You will decline what was a healthy debate and threaten what is or could have been a successful relationship. It’s not worth it.
Police officers are trained to maintain a calm, assertive composure when arriving on a scene. Usually when they show up, emotions are already running high. If an officer approaches trying to out-machismo everyone else, people get hurt. Your best weapon is actually conversational jiu jitsu. You need your “opponent” to realize that their force isn’t working. They will tucker themselves out (quicker than you think) and then match your calmer energy.
4. Argue the Point, Not the Person
This is a BIG one! Name calling is out!
Once you resort to any form of name-calling, you lost the argument. It is over. You lose.
You are winning no points by using a disparaging phrase towards the person you are debating. You have killed any chance for a successful or healthy interaction.
When you shift your argument away from the topic and point it towards the person, the person’s only option is to defend themselves. And most people defend by attacking. Now you are in a fight, not a debate.
Also, no name calling includes veiled name calling. Such as, “Anyone who thinks like that is an idiot.” You didn’t directly call the other person an idiot, but you basically did. This puts them on a defensive attack just as much as if you were to say, “You’re a fucking moron.” So, no name calling of the person in front of you or the group of people who share similar views as the person in front of you.
Now, let’s just say you accidentally let a disparaging term slip. What do you do?
Apologize. Right away.
Say, “I’m sorry. That’s not fair. I didn’t mean that. I really want to discuss this issue with you.”
Debating doesn’t equal being right about everything. If you make a misstep, say you’re sorry respectfully.
On the other hand, what happens if the other person slings out a negative label or two? Reference our previous rule about staying calm and assertive. In a cool tone, say, “I’m really enjoying talking with you about this, but I really would like to keep it civil. I promise not to call you any nasty names and I’d appreciate it if you can do the same.” If they continue to do so and not respect your wishes, end the conversation.
There is no point if things have sunken to that level. Just politely and calmly say, “I’d really love to continue discussing this. I’m learning a lot from you and it’s helping me get more clarity around my own ideas. But, I really can’t continue if I feel like I’m being attacked. It’s starting to feel like a toxic conversation, so perhaps we can switch gears and just put a button on this talk for today.”
Be respectful, to both them and yourself.
5. Stay on Topic
This is tricky because it’s so easy to slip up here.
A true debate is about an issue. One topic.
When we feel like we are losing our ground on one subject it’s common to shift things to another subject. Avoid this. You’ll only muddy the waters and the two of you will be talking in circles.
If you notice that things have veered off course, politely say, “I appreciate what you just said, but I feel like we’ve strayed away from what we originally were talking about and I’d love to hear more of your perspective on that.”
6. Acknowledge and Appreciate
Appreciation is a recurring theme in all influential conversations. Acknowledgement and appreciation are signs of power, poise, and persuasiveness.
By acknowledging someone else’s point – “I hear what you’re saying.” – you are not saying that you agree with them. You are saying that you are openly listening to their point of view.
If you notice that someone continues to repeat themselves, it is likely because they don’t feel heard. If you would like to end their loop, repeat back what they have said, just say it in your own words. Again, this doesn’t mean you agree; it means you’ve listened.
Find opportunities to appreciate the other person and, yes, their point of view. They may not have come to the same conclusions as you, but I’m sure that you can appreciate some aspect of their argument – like how it is with the best of intentions or how it reflects their values. Ultimately, this is true of everyone. We all create opinions and act with the best of intentions that reflects our values. Appreciate that and continue to share your own views.
Oh, yeah. And it’s TOTALLY ok to agree with someone during a debate! (Crazy right?!) You can absolutely agree with one aspect of someone’s argument. This can only improve rapport and increase your chances of finding some common ground.
Example: Even bitter rivals can find moments to agree with one another, as this clip shows. (skip to 2:30)
7. Ask Questions
This is some gangsta shit right here. If you can get good at this, you win at life.
Instead of approaching a debate with a series of statements, ask more questions. Get Socratic up in here!
By asking questions, you accomplish three things.
First, you avoid a boxing style debate. Instead of exchanging blows, you are volleying a thought.
Second, questions are less threatening and more engaging. With questions, it is less of a debate and more of a guided monologue. You aren’t trying to prove your point. You are trying to get them to teach theirs. Through that process, you could potentially achieve the third benefit. You likely won’t change their mind, but you very well could get them to see a chink in their thought process, which could get them to at least question one aspect of their opinion.
That is a win by anyone’s standards. A question is the first step to expanding a mind.
If that happens, you deserve some chocolate.
Example: Sure there are going to be more questions from Stephen because he is the host of the talk show, but this still exemplifies a great way to ask questions instead of making statements. PLUS, Stephen follows one of our previous rules for winning an argument: acknowledge and appreciate.
youtube
BONUS: End in a Hug
Yes. I really mean that; it’s non-negotiable.
Let’s keep this healthy debate going! These are all skills that I learned from CIA agents, hostage negotiators, trial attorneys, con-artists, pick-up artists, and now, I want to help you use them to be more prosperous and successful in your own business.
Click here to get your FREE copy of my Mindreader Blueprint and start being more influential today.
The post How To Win An Argument Without Making People Hate You appeared first on Roman Fitness Systems.
http://ift.tt/2j4hM8c
0 notes
Text
How To Win An Argument Without Making People Hate You
There’s a disturbing conversation happening in society right now: people are uncomfortable with other people’s opinions and the debates they spark.
In reaction, people are asking, “What’s the point in debating? No one’s winning any arguments. You’re not going to change someone’s opinion.”
There’s even been a small movement on social media asking friends to post pictures of art and puppies to drown out the political posts from your feed. And while I love art and puppies just as much as the next person…
Do not be guilted into believing that silence is better than debate.
When we stay silent about important issues, we perpetuate a superficial culture. This is why we know more about the Kardashians than we do about current laws that are being passed.
A silent culture is a scary culture, and a disagreement can be an opportunity to connect with someone, though not necessarily agree with them.
Now, I won’t tell you what to do with your social media feeds. I’m not the online chick; I’m the IRL chick. I’m more interested in empowering you to have interesting, engaging, and powerful debates with your friends. Don’t leave the important discussions to the pundits on TV who are vying for the best soundbite of the day.
Having differing opinions and expressing them is not the problem. The real problem is that we don’t know HOW to debate or disagree, and a healthy debate is possible as long as you know a few rules for success.
Winning an Argument
People are approaching debates from the wrong angle.
The point of debating isn’t to change someone’s mind. If you start with that goal, you’ve already lost.
The point of a disagreement is twofold: to express disagreement and to better understand your own opinions. Let’s start with the first.
Yes, the first point of a disagreement is exactly that – to disagree. Disagreements are just expression; you should be willing to express yourself and whoever you’re with should feel free to do the same. Without a disagreement, there’s no conversation. Without conversation, there’s no chance for understanding.
The second value of a healthy debate is that it provides an opportunity for you to better understand your own opinions. By expressing your opinions out loud – especially to someone with an opposing viewpoint – you are challenged to better explain your reasoning and conclusions.
I experience a similar phenomenon with my writing. I’m inspired to write many topics, but rarely does the finished product end up looking how I first envisioned it. Through the writing process, I’m forced to have clarity in my thinking process. Sometimes my thoughts become better as they are forged through the written word. Other times I abandon a concept because I realize I really don’t have enough substance to turn it into anything substantial. It was just a nice idea.
If anything, a debate is more about challenging yourself than it is about challenging someone else.
1. Free Speech Isn’t the Problem. Active Listening Is.
It’s basic Golden Rule stuff. If you want to be listened to, you must be willing to listen. The reason why debates turn ugly is because people stop listening.
Even if you don’t like someone’s opinion and even if that opinion angers you, you must give them the same courtesy that you would want from them.
2. Don’t Interrupt
Interruptions are the lowest of the low. When you interrupt someone, you are saying, “I am more important than you. My opinion and my voice deserve more respect than you and yours. I don’t care about you or your thoughts.”
When you interrupt, you lose the high ground.
If you interrupt, you have paved the way for them to interrupt you. When this happens, it is no longer a debate, it’s a fight for air time.
On the other hand, when you maintain your composure and listen without interrupting, when you’re interrupted, you can assertively and calmly say, “I let you finish your thought without interrupting. Please extend the same courtesy and respect to allow me to finish mine.”
I’ve been in plenty of disagreements where this one sentence diffuses any building negative energy. This evens the playing field and a healthy discourse can continue.
3. Maintain Composure
We are mimicking mammals.
Our mirror neurons wire us to mirror what we see. This often helps us create rapport with people. When we feel in sync with someone, we are actually in sync with them. Body posture is the same, tone is the same, speaking pace is the same. And when you are intimately in sync, breathing is the same. It is a very useful trait….until it isn’t.
When in a debate, you must be what you want to see.
If you want a respectful, even toned, calm discussion, then you must embody respect, speak in an even tone, and stay calm. If you elevate your demeanor, then the other person’s mirror neurons will kick in. They will match the volume and emotion, and then they will ante up and escalate.
Conversely, they might initiate the escalation by putting on more threatening postures and tone. Maintain the stronger frame here. Your biology will try to work against you, telling you, “Show this guy what you’re really made of! Don’t back down!” You will feel compelled to stiffen up, square up, and show your grit. Don’t! There is no good ending with that. You will decline what was a healthy debate and threaten what is or could have been a successful relationship. It’s not worth it.
Police officers are trained to maintain a calm, assertive composure when arriving on a scene. Usually when they show up, emotions are already running high. If an officer approaches trying to out-machismo everyone else, people get hurt. Your best weapon is actually conversational jiu jitsu. You need your “opponent” to realize that their force isn’t working. They will tucker themselves out (quicker than you think) and then match your calmer energy.
4. Argue the Point, Not the Person
This is a BIG one! Name calling is out!
Once you resort to any form of name-calling, you lost the argument. It is over. You lose.
You are winning no points by using a disparaging phrase towards the person you are debating. You have killed any chance for a successful or healthy interaction.
When you shift your argument away from the topic and point it towards the person, the person’s only option is to defend themselves. And most people defend by attacking. Now you are in a fight, not a debate.
Also, no name calling includes veiled name calling. Such as, “Anyone who thinks like that is an idiot.” You didn’t directly call the other person an idiot, but you basically did. This puts them on a defensive attack just as much as if you were to say, “You’re a fucking moron.” So, no name calling of the person in front of you or the group of people who share similar views as the person in front of you.
Now, let’s just say you accidentally let a disparaging term slip. What do you do?
Apologize. Right away.
Say, “I’m sorry. That’s not fair. I didn’t mean that. I really want to discuss this issue with you.”
Debating doesn’t equal being right about everything. If you make a misstep, say you’re sorry respectfully.
On the other hand, what happens if the other person slings out a negative label or two? Reference our previous rule about staying calm and assertive. In a cool tone, say, “I’m really enjoying talking with you about this, but I really would like to keep it civil. I promise not to call you any nasty names and I’d appreciate it if you can do the same.” If they continue to do so and not respect your wishes, end the conversation.
There is no point if things have sunken to that level. Just politely and calmly say, “I’d really love to continue discussing this. I’m learning a lot from you and it’s helping me get more clarity around my own ideas. But, I really can’t continue if I feel like I’m being attacked. It’s starting to feel like a toxic conversation, so perhaps we can switch gears and just put a button on this talk for today.”
Be respectful, to both them and yourself.
5. Stay on Topic
This is tricky because it’s so easy to slip up here.
A true debate is about an issue. One topic.
When we feel like we are losing our ground on one subject it’s common to shift things to another subject. Avoid this. You’ll only muddy the waters and the two of you will be talking in circles.
If you notice that things have veered off course, politely say, “I appreciate what you just said, but I feel like we’ve strayed away from what we originally were talking about and I’d love to hear more of your perspective on that.”
6. Acknowledge and Appreciate
Appreciation is a recurring theme in all influential conversations. Acknowledgement and appreciation are signs of power, poise, and persuasiveness.
By acknowledging someone else’s point – “I hear what you’re saying.” – you are not saying that you agree with them. You are saying that you are openly listening to their point of view.
If you notice that someone continues to repeat themselves, it is likely because they don’t feel heard. If you would like to end their loop, repeat back what they have said, just say it in your own words. Again, this doesn’t mean you agree; it means you’ve listened.
Find opportunities to appreciate the other person and, yes, their point of view. They may not have come to the same conclusions as you, but I’m sure that you can appreciate some aspect of their argument – like how it is with the best of intentions or how it reflects their values. Ultimately, this is true of everyone. We all create opinions and act with the best of intentions that reflects our values. Appreciate that and continue to share your own views.
Oh, yeah. And it’s TOTALLY ok to agree with someone during a debate! (Crazy right?!) You can absolutely agree with one aspect of someone’s argument. This can only improve rapport and increase your chances of finding some common ground.
Example: Even bitter rivals can find moments to agree with one another, as this clip shows. (skip to 2:30)
7. Ask Questions
This is some gangsta shit right here. If you can get good at this, you win at life.
Instead of approaching a debate with a series of statements, ask more questions. Get Socratic up in here!
By asking questions, you accomplish three things.
First, you avoid a boxing style debate. Instead of exchanging blows, you are volleying a thought.
Second, questions are less threatening and more engaging. With questions, it is less of a debate and more of a guided monologue. You aren’t trying to prove your point. You are trying to get them to teach theirs. Through that process, you could potentially achieve the third benefit. You likely won’t change their mind, but you very well could get them to see a chink in their thought process, which could get them to at least question one aspect of their opinion.
That is a win by anyone’s standards. A question is the first step to expanding a mind.
If that happens, you deserve some chocolate.
Example: Sure there are going to be more questions from Stephen because he is the host of the talk show, but this still exemplifies a great way to ask questions instead of making statements. PLUS, Stephen follows one of our previous rules for winning an argument: acknowledge and appreciate.
youtube
BONUS: End in a Hug
Yes. I really mean that; it’s non-negotiable.
Let’s keep this healthy debate going! These are all skills that I learned from CIA agents, hostage negotiators, trial attorneys, con-artists, pick-up artists, and now, I want to help you use them to be more prosperous and successful in your own business.
Click here to get your FREE copy of my Mindreader Blueprint and start being more influential today.
The post How To Win An Argument Without Making People Hate You appeared first on Roman Fitness Systems.
http://ift.tt/2j4hM8c
0 notes
Text
How To Win An Argument Without Making People Hate You
There’s a disturbing conversation happening in society right now: people are uncomfortable with other people’s opinions and the debates they spark.
In reaction, people are asking, “What’s the point in debating? No one’s winning any arguments. You’re not going to change someone’s opinion.”
There’s even been a small movement on social media asking friends to post pictures of art and puppies to drown out the political posts from your feed. And while I love art and puppies just as much as the next person…
Do not be guilted into believing that silence is better than debate.
When we stay silent about important issues, we perpetuate a superficial culture. This is why we know more about the Kardashians than we do about current laws that are being passed.
A silent culture is a scary culture, and a disagreement can be an opportunity to connect with someone, though not necessarily agree with them.
Now, I won’t tell you what to do with your social media feeds. I’m not the online chick; I’m the IRL chick. I’m more interested in empowering you to have interesting, engaging, and powerful debates with your friends. Don’t leave the important discussions to the pundits on TV who are vying for the best soundbite of the day.
Having differing opinions and expressing them is not the problem. The real problem is that we don’t know HOW to debate or disagree, and a healthy debate is possible as long as you know a few rules for success.
Winning an Argument
People are approaching debates from the wrong angle.
The point of debating isn’t to change someone’s mind. If you start with that goal, you’ve already lost.
The point of a disagreement is twofold: to express disagreement and to better understand your own opinions. Let’s start with the first.
Yes, the first point of a disagreement is exactly that – to disagree. Disagreements are just expression; you should be willing to express yourself and whoever you’re with should feel free to do the same. Without a disagreement, there’s no conversation. Without conversation, there’s no chance for understanding.
The second value of a healthy debate is that it provides an opportunity for you to better understand your own opinions. By expressing your opinions out loud – especially to someone with an opposing viewpoint – you are challenged to better explain your reasoning and conclusions.
I experience a similar phenomenon with my writing. I’m inspired to write many topics, but rarely does the finished product end up looking how I first envisioned it. Through the writing process, I’m forced to have clarity in my thinking process. Sometimes my thoughts become better as they are forged through the written word. Other times I abandon a concept because I realize I really don’t have enough substance to turn it into anything substantial. It was just a nice idea.
If anything, a debate is more about challenging yourself than it is about challenging someone else.
1. Free Speech Isn’t the Problem. Active Listening Is.
It’s basic Golden Rule stuff. If you want to be listened to, you must be willing to listen. The reason why debates turn ugly is because people stop listening.
Even if you don’t like someone’s opinion and even if that opinion angers you, you must give them the same courtesy that you would want from them.
2. Don’t Interrupt
Interruptions are the lowest of the low. When you interrupt someone, you are saying, “I am more important than you. My opinion and my voice deserve more respect than you and yours. I don’t care about you or your thoughts.”
When you interrupt, you lose the high ground.
If you interrupt, you have paved the way for them to interrupt you. When this happens, it is no longer a debate, it’s a fight for air time.
On the other hand, when you maintain your composure and listen without interrupting, when you’re interrupted, you can assertively and calmly say, “I let you finish your thought without interrupting. Please extend the same courtesy and respect to allow me to finish mine.”
I’ve been in plenty of disagreements where this one sentence diffuses any building negative energy. This evens the playing field and a healthy discourse can continue.
3. Maintain Composure
We are mimicking mammals.
Our mirror neurons wire us to mirror what we see. This often helps us create rapport with people. When we feel in sync with someone, we are actually in sync with them. Body posture is the same, tone is the same, speaking pace is the same. And when you are intimately in sync, breathing is the same. It is a very useful trait….until it isn’t.
When in a debate, you must be what you want to see.
If you want a respectful, even toned, calm discussion, then you must embody respect, speak in an even tone, and stay calm. If you elevate your demeanor, then the other person’s mirror neurons will kick in. They will match the volume and emotion, and then they will ante up and escalate.
Conversely, they might initiate the escalation by putting on more threatening postures and tone. Maintain the stronger frame here. Your biology will try to work against you, telling you, “Show this guy what you’re really made of! Don’t back down!” You will feel compelled to stiffen up, square up, and show your grit. Don’t! There is no good ending with that. You will decline what was a healthy debate and threaten what is or could have been a successful relationship. It’s not worth it.
Police officers are trained to maintain a calm, assertive composure when arriving on a scene. Usually when they show up, emotions are already running high. If an officer approaches trying to out-machismo everyone else, people get hurt. Your best weapon is actually conversational jiu jitsu. You need your “opponent” to realize that their force isn’t working. They will tucker themselves out (quicker than you think) and then match your calmer energy.
4. Argue the Point, Not the Person
This is a BIG one! Name calling is out!
Once you resort to any form of name-calling, you lost the argument. It is over. You lose.
You are winning no points by using a disparaging phrase towards the person you are debating. You have killed any chance for a successful or healthy interaction.
When you shift your argument away from the topic and point it towards the person, the person’s only option is to defend themselves. And most people defend by attacking. Now you are in a fight, not a debate.
Also, no name calling includes veiled name calling. Such as, “Anyone who thinks like that is an idiot.” You didn’t directly call the other person an idiot, but you basically did. This puts them on a defensive attack just as much as if you were to say, “You’re a fucking moron.” So, no name calling of the person in front of you or the group of people who share similar views as the person in front of you.
Now, let’s just say you accidentally let a disparaging term slip. What do you do?
Apologize. Right away.
Say, “I’m sorry. That’s not fair. I didn’t mean that. I really want to discuss this issue with you.”
Debating doesn’t equal being right about everything. If you make a misstep, say you’re sorry respectfully.
On the other hand, what happens if the other person slings out a negative label or two? Reference our previous rule about staying calm and assertive. In a cool tone, say, “I’m really enjoying talking with you about this, but I really would like to keep it civil. I promise not to call you any nasty names and I’d appreciate it if you can do the same.” If they continue to do so and not respect your wishes, end the conversation.
There is no point if things have sunken to that level. Just politely and calmly say, “I’d really love to continue discussing this. I’m learning a lot from you and it’s helping me get more clarity around my own ideas. But, I really can’t continue if I feel like I’m being attacked. It’s starting to feel like a toxic conversation, so perhaps we can switch gears and just put a button on this talk for today.”
Be respectful, to both them and yourself.
5. Stay on Topic
This is tricky because it’s so easy to slip up here.
A true debate is about an issue. One topic.
When we feel like we are losing our ground on one subject it’s common to shift things to another subject. Avoid this. You’ll only muddy the waters and the two of you will be talking in circles.
If you notice that things have veered off course, politely say, “I appreciate what you just said, but I feel like we’ve strayed away from what we originally were talking about and I’d love to hear more of your perspective on that.”
6. Acknowledge and Appreciate
Appreciation is a recurring theme in all influential conversations. Acknowledgement and appreciation are signs of power, poise, and persuasiveness.
By acknowledging someone else’s point – “I hear what you’re saying.” – you are not saying that you agree with them. You are saying that you are openly listening to their point of view.
If you notice that someone continues to repeat themselves, it is likely because they don’t feel heard. If you would like to end their loop, repeat back what they have said, just say it in your own words. Again, this doesn’t mean you agree; it means you’ve listened.
Find opportunities to appreciate the other person and, yes, their point of view. They may not have come to the same conclusions as you, but I’m sure that you can appreciate some aspect of their argument – like how it is with the best of intentions or how it reflects their values. Ultimately, this is true of everyone. We all create opinions and act with the best of intentions that reflects our values. Appreciate that and continue to share your own views.
Oh, yeah. And it’s TOTALLY ok to agree with someone during a debate! (Crazy right?!) You can absolutely agree with one aspect of someone’s argument. This can only improve rapport and increase your chances of finding some common ground.
Example: Even bitter rivals can find moments to agree with one another, as this clip shows. (skip to 2:30)
7. Ask Questions
This is some gangsta shit right here. If you can get good at this, you win at life.
Instead of approaching a debate with a series of statements, ask more questions. Get Socratic up in here!
By asking questions, you accomplish three things.
First, you avoid a boxing style debate. Instead of exchanging blows, you are volleying a thought.
Second, questions are less threatening and more engaging. With questions, it is less of a debate and more of a guided monologue. You aren’t trying to prove your point. You are trying to get them to teach theirs. Through that process, you could potentially achieve the third benefit. You likely won’t change their mind, but you very well could get them to see a chink in their thought process, which could get them to at least question one aspect of their opinion.
That is a win by anyone’s standards. A question is the first step to expanding a mind.
If that happens, you deserve some chocolate.
Example: Sure there are going to be more questions from Stephen because he is the host of the talk show, but this still exemplifies a great way to ask questions instead of making statements. PLUS, Stephen follows one of our previous rules for winning an argument: acknowledge and appreciate.
youtube
BONUS: End in a Hug
Yes. I really mean that; it’s non-negotiable.
Let’s keep this healthy debate going! These are all skills that I learned from CIA agents, hostage negotiators, trial attorneys, con-artists, pick-up artists, and now, I want to help you use them to be more prosperous and successful in your own business.
Click here to get your FREE copy of my Mindreader Blueprint and start being more influential today.
The post How To Win An Argument Without Making People Hate You appeared first on Roman Fitness Systems.
http://ift.tt/2j4hM8c
0 notes
Text
How To Win An Argument Without Making People Hate You
There’s a disturbing conversation happening in society right now: people are uncomfortable with other people’s opinions and the debates they spark.
In reaction, people are asking, “What’s the point in debating? No one’s winning any arguments. You’re not going to change someone’s opinion.”
There’s even been a small movement on social media asking friends to post pictures of art and puppies to drown out the political posts from your feed. And while I love art and puppies just as much as the next person…
Do not be guilted into believing that silence is better than debate.
When we stay silent about important issues, we perpetuate a superficial culture. This is why we know more about the Kardashians than we do about current laws that are being passed.
A silent culture is a scary culture, and a disagreement can be an opportunity to connect with someone, though not necessarily agree with them.
Now, I won’t tell you what to do with your social media feeds. I’m not the online chick; I’m the IRL chick. I’m more interested in empowering you to have interesting, engaging, and powerful debates with your friends. Don’t leave the important discussions to the pundits on TV who are vying for the best soundbite of the day.
Having differing opinions and expressing them is not the problem. The real problem is that we don’t know HOW to debate or disagree, and a healthy debate is possible as long as you know a few rules for success.
Winning an Argument
People are approaching debates from the wrong angle.
The point of debating isn’t to change someone’s mind. If you start with that goal, you’ve already lost.
The point of a disagreement is twofold: to express disagreement and to better understand your own opinions. Let’s start with the first.
Yes, the first point of a disagreement is exactly that – to disagree. Disagreements are just expression; you should be willing to express yourself and whoever you’re with should feel free to do the same. Without a disagreement, there’s no conversation. Without conversation, there’s no chance for understanding.
The second value of a healthy debate is that it provides an opportunity for you to better understand your own opinions. By expressing your opinions out loud – especially to someone with an opposing viewpoint – you are challenged to better explain your reasoning and conclusions.
I experience a similar phenomenon with my writing. I’m inspired to write many topics, but rarely does the finished product end up looking how I first envisioned it. Through the writing process, I’m forced to have clarity in my thinking process. Sometimes my thoughts become better as they are forged through the written word. Other times I abandon a concept because I realize I really don’t have enough substance to turn it into anything substantial. It was just a nice idea.
If anything, a debate is more about challenging yourself than it is about challenging someone else.
1. Free Speech Isn’t the Problem. Active Listening Is.
It’s basic Golden Rule stuff. If you want to be listened to, you must be willing to listen. The reason why debates turn ugly is because people stop listening.
Even if you don’t like someone’s opinion and even if that opinion angers you, you must give them the same courtesy that you would want from them.
2. Don’t Interrupt
Interruptions are the lowest of the low. When you interrupt someone, you are saying, “I am more important than you. My opinion and my voice deserve more respect than you and yours. I don’t care about you or your thoughts.”
When you interrupt, you lose the high ground.
If you interrupt, you have paved the way for them to interrupt you. When this happens, it is no longer a debate, it’s a fight for air time.
On the other hand, when you maintain your composure and listen without interrupting, when you’re interrupted, you can assertively and calmly say, “I let you finish your thought without interrupting. Please extend the same courtesy and respect to allow me to finish mine.”
I’ve been in plenty of disagreements where this one sentence diffuses any building negative energy. This evens the playing field and a healthy discourse can continue.
3. Maintain Composure
We are mimicking mammals.
Our mirror neurons wire us to mirror what we see. This often helps us create rapport with people. When we feel in sync with someone, we are actually in sync with them. Body posture is the same, tone is the same, speaking pace is the same. And when you are intimately in sync, breathing is the same. It is a very useful trait….until it isn’t.
When in a debate, you must be what you want to see.
If you want a respectful, even toned, calm discussion, then you must embody respect, speak in an even tone, and stay calm. If you elevate your demeanor, then the other person’s mirror neurons will kick in. They will match the volume and emotion, and then they will ante up and escalate.
Conversely, they might initiate the escalation by putting on more threatening postures and tone. Maintain the stronger frame here. Your biology will try to work against you, telling you, “Show this guy what you’re really made of! Don’t back down!” You will feel compelled to stiffen up, square up, and show your grit. Don’t! There is no good ending with that. You will decline what was a healthy debate and threaten what is or could have been a successful relationship. It’s not worth it.
Police officers are trained to maintain a calm, assertive composure when arriving on a scene. Usually when they show up, emotions are already running high. If an officer approaches trying to out-machismo everyone else, people get hurt. Your best weapon is actually conversational jiu jitsu. You need your “opponent” to realize that their force isn’t working. They will tucker themselves out (quicker than you think) and then match your calmer energy.
4. Argue the Point, Not the Person
This is a BIG one! Name calling is out!
Once you resort to any form of name-calling, you lost the argument. It is over. You lose.
You are winning no points by using a disparaging phrase towards the person you are debating. You have killed any chance for a successful or healthy interaction.
When you shift your argument away from the topic and point it towards the person, the person’s only option is to defend themselves. And most people defend by attacking. Now you are in a fight, not a debate.
Also, no name calling includes veiled name calling. Such as, “Anyone who thinks like that is an idiot.” You didn’t directly call the other person an idiot, but you basically did. This puts them on a defensive attack just as much as if you were to say, “You’re a fucking moron.” So, no name calling of the person in front of you or the group of people who share similar views as the person in front of you.
Now, let’s just say you accidentally let a disparaging term slip. What do you do?
Apologize. Right away.
Say, “I’m sorry. That’s not fair. I didn’t mean that. I really want to discuss this issue with you.”
Debating doesn’t equal being right about everything. If you make a misstep, say you’re sorry respectfully.
On the other hand, what happens if the other person slings out a negative label or two? Reference our previous rule about staying calm and assertive. In a cool tone, say, “I’m really enjoying talking with you about this, but I really would like to keep it civil. I promise not to call you any nasty names and I’d appreciate it if you can do the same.” If they continue to do so and not respect your wishes, end the conversation.
There is no point if things have sunken to that level. Just politely and calmly say, “I’d really love to continue discussing this. I’m learning a lot from you and it’s helping me get more clarity around my own ideas. But, I really can’t continue if I feel like I’m being attacked. It’s starting to feel like a toxic conversation, so perhaps we can switch gears and just put a button on this talk for today.”
Be respectful, to both them and yourself.
5. Stay on Topic
This is tricky because it’s so easy to slip up here.
A true debate is about an issue. One topic.
When we feel like we are losing our ground on one subject it’s common to shift things to another subject. Avoid this. You’ll only muddy the waters and the two of you will be talking in circles.
If you notice that things have veered off course, politely say, “I appreciate what you just said, but I feel like we’ve strayed away from what we originally were talking about and I’d love to hear more of your perspective on that.”
6. Acknowledge and Appreciate
Appreciation is a recurring theme in all influential conversations. Acknowledgement and appreciation are signs of power, poise, and persuasiveness.
By acknowledging someone else’s point – “I hear what you’re saying.” – you are not saying that you agree with them. You are saying that you are openly listening to their point of view.
If you notice that someone continues to repeat themselves, it is likely because they don’t feel heard. If you would like to end their loop, repeat back what they have said, just say it in your own words. Again, this doesn’t mean you agree; it means you’ve listened.
Find opportunities to appreciate the other person and, yes, their point of view. They may not have come to the same conclusions as you, but I’m sure that you can appreciate some aspect of their argument – like how it is with the best of intentions or how it reflects their values. Ultimately, this is true of everyone. We all create opinions and act with the best of intentions that reflects our values. Appreciate that and continue to share your own views.
Oh, yeah. And it’s TOTALLY ok to agree with someone during a debate! (Crazy right?!) You can absolutely agree with one aspect of someone’s argument. This can only improve rapport and increase your chances of finding some common ground.
Example: Even bitter rivals can find moments to agree with one another, as this clip shows. (skip to 2:30)
7. Ask Questions
This is some gangsta shit right here. If you can get good at this, you win at life.
Instead of approaching a debate with a series of statements, ask more questions. Get Socratic up in here!
By asking questions, you accomplish three things.
First, you avoid a boxing style debate. Instead of exchanging blows, you are volleying a thought.
Second, questions are less threatening and more engaging. With questions, it is less of a debate and more of a guided monologue. You aren’t trying to prove your point. You are trying to get them to teach theirs. Through that process, you could potentially achieve the third benefit. You likely won’t change their mind, but you very well could get them to see a chink in their thought process, which could get them to at least question one aspect of their opinion.
That is a win by anyone’s standards. A question is the first step to expanding a mind.
If that happens, you deserve some chocolate.
Example: Sure there are going to be more questions from Stephen because he is the host of the talk show, but this still exemplifies a great way to ask questions instead of making statements. PLUS, Stephen follows one of our previous rules for winning an argument: acknowledge and appreciate.
youtube
BONUS: End in a Hug
Yes. I really mean that; it’s non-negotiable.
Let’s keep this healthy debate going! These are all skills that I learned from CIA agents, hostage negotiators, trial attorneys, con-artists, pick-up artists, and now, I want to help you use them to be more prosperous and successful in your own business.
Click here to get your FREE copy of my Mindreader Blueprint and start being more influential today.
The post How To Win An Argument Without Making People Hate You appeared first on Roman Fitness Systems.
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1-154
I’m adding a “keep reading” because this is a ton of questions!
1:Full name.
Rusty Shackleford aka Michael Chipz aka Wes Mantooth aka Ryan Pitts
2:Zodiac sign.
Libra
3:3 fears.
Dying alone, drowning, suffocating (any kind of death involving being unable to breathe, really), being killed by something I can’t see/being murdered in my sleep. I have a lot of death fears lol. I’m sure I have more fears than that, but I guess I’m also scared of the future and stuff that makes me anxious.
4:3 things I love.
Wrestling, Mega64, most of my family, my friends, video games, music, calmness and serenity, food, soda, soccer, football, sports in general, booty, curly hair, art, photography, art photography, cute girls, podcasting and just being a goof and making people laugh.
5:4 turn on’s.
I probably should have saved some of the things I love for this question lol. But yes, I love my a nice t h i c c booty or even a cute small one. I just love the booty, y’all. Praise be. I also like pale skin (I like everything though, don’t get it twisted. I think growing up with the goth/emo/scene subcultures has made me love girls that just don’t go out in the sun lol), curly hair, darker hair colors, when girls bite their lip, a sense of humor, athleticism, artsy girls, cute girls, girls that sing and/or play an instrument, Mary Elizabeth Winstead as Ramona Flowers, dirty talk, intimacy, and that’s about the extent I’ll disclose before potentially grossing out my irl friends and family with nsfw stuff lol.
6:4 turn off’s.
My turn-offs are pretty normal, tbh. Just smell good and express interest in me and you’re good.
7:My best friend?
I hate choosing just ONE best friend, but one of my oldest friends who I love very much is my buddy Hassan. We’ve been friends since the third grade.
8:Sexual orientation?
Straight yo, and I’ve had time to make sure that I am in my head haha.
9:My best first date?
I honestly haven’t really gone on too many first dates. I went on a pretty good date with the last girl I dated, so I guess that one. We met on Tinder, and after a few months of texting each other because she had to go back to her college class out-of-state shortly after we matched, we finally met in-person at this mall. It was really nice.
10:How tall am I?
5′9″
11:What do I miss?
I miss a lot of things. I miss not having to stress about things. I miss how the relationship with my family used to be before I went to college. I miss intimacy and kissing and boyfriend/girlfriend stuff. I miss the beach (luckily, I’ll be going to Florida in a few days!!!). I miss a lot of dead wrestlers, Eddie Guerrero especially. I miss my friend David who committed suicide in high school. I miss having more time to play video games and to goof off. I dunno. I just miss stuff.
12:What time was I born?
No clue. My mom doesn’t remember.
13:Favorite color?
Blue. Royal blue, specifically
14:Do I have a crush?
I have a million crushes. Mostly the girls that I follow on this site! I also have crushes on Becky Lynch, Alexa Bliss, Lorde, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Aubrey Plaza, that curly-haired chick from Broad City. What’s her name…? Ilana… (takes time to look up last name) Glazer! Yeah, she’s fine as hell.
15:Favorite quote?
“Heroes get remembered, but legends never die.”
“Ideas are bulletproof.”
I’m sure there’s a quote from wrestling that I’ll think of later
16:Favorite place?
Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
17:Favorite food?
General Tso’s chicken with cashews
18:Do I use sarcasm?
Yup
19:What am I listening to right now?
In this very moment? The sound of my fan.
In terms of music I’ve been listening to? My friend let me borrow his copy of Kendrick Lamar’s To Pimp A Butterfly, so I’ve been mainly listening to that. I also alternate between Humanz by Gorillaz and Kendrick Lamar’s DAMN.
20:First thing I notice in new person?
Their voice or face, I guess?
21:Shoe size?
10.5-11 U.S.
22:Eye color?
Brown
23:Hair color?
It fluctuates between a darkish brown to almost black
24: Favorite style of clothing?
I hate picking just one lol. If I had to pick one, I really dig how skaters dress. I’ve always been a fan since Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater.
25:Ever done a prank call?
I think so?
26:What color of underwear I’m wearing now?
Navy blue
27:Meaning behind my URL?
I really like the running gag from King of the Hill where Dale Gribble goes by the fake name Rusty Shackleford. Unfortunately, that username is taken, so I decided to stylize it like the Japanese metal band Maximum The Hormone, although I guess Shackleford The Rusty would fit that theme more? Oh well. I’m a brand now. I gotta maintain it.
28:Favorite movie?
Currently, it’s Pulp Fiction. It was V for Vendetta for the longest time. Yeah, I know. Shut up.
29:Favorite song?
I have so many. Forty Six and 2 by Tool is definitely one of my all-time favorites.
30:Favorite band?
Gorillaz and Tool are fighting for my top spot on a pretty consistent basis.
31:How I feel right now?
Mostly excited for my Florida trip!
32:Someone I love.
My siblings.
33:My current relationship status.
Single af
34:My relationship with my parents.
Fine, I guess?
35:Favorite holiday.
Christmas and Halloween
36:Tattoos and piercing I have.
None.
37:Tattoos and piercing I want.
I have no idea lol. I can’t think of anything that I wouldn’t hate in a month. Maybe something with a number 3 because I’m a triplet? No clue. I’m sure I’ll figure something out. I did want a lip piercing for a bit, and I sometimes get back into wanting one haha.
38:The reason I joined Tumblr.
Obscurus Lupa and other people on That Guy With The Glasses had Tumblrs. Being a fan of the site at the time, I would frequent their blogs to see what kinds of questions fans would ask. Eventually, I just made one and the rest is history.
39:Do I and my last ex hate each other?
Ex-girlfriend? No. We’re actually still friends.
Last girl I dated? Also no. We haven’t spoken since July though.
40:Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night” texts?
Nah. I only really like those from girls I date anyway.
41:Have I ever kissed the last person I texted?
I have not!
42:When did I last hold hands?
It already feels like way too long ago. Realistically, a year or two.
43:How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?
30 minutes to an hour depending if I need to shave my beard.
44:Have I shaved my legs in the past three days?
Nope. I don’t shave my legs.
45: Where am I right now?
My room.
46:If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?
I guess either my friend Adam or my friend Derrick. I don’t think I’ve ever been drunk to the point of not being able to stand though lol.
47:Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?
Reasonable. Protect your ears, kids.
48:Do I live with my Mom and Dad?
Unfortunately.
49:Am I excited for anything?
Florida!
50:Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?
I think so!
51:How often do I wear a fake smile?
Mostly when I go to work lol.
52:When was the last time I hugged someone?
The other day, I believe.
53:What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?
Well, that would be pretty messed up I guess since we haven’t talked in months. I would probably try to ignore them like the coward I am.
54:Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?
Probably.
55:What is something I disliked about today?
Some of my friends weren’t able to hang with me today, one of which is soon going on a cross-country road trip for who knows how long, and I would like to see him before he leaves.
56:If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?
There’s so many, but meeting Zlatan Ibrahimovic would be pretty dope. Also Cindy Sherman.
57:What do I think about most?
Sexy ladies and general thirsty thoughts, Magic: The Gathering, professional wrestling, what I’m going to eat next. Totally normal things
58:What’s my strangest talent?
I can make this weird belching/farting noise by puffing out my cheeks.
59:Do I have any strange phobias?
No clue. None that I can think of.
60:Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?
Both! I’m very much a performer, and I also love taking photos.
61:What was the last lie I told?
I told my friend I don’t know what my plans are tomorrow when I have sort of an idea.
62:Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?
I guess video chatting because you can get visual cues to know when to speak.
63:Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?
Yes, and yes.
64:Do I believe in magic?
Yeah, to an extent.
65:Do I believe in luck?
Also yeah, to an extent.
66:What’s the weather like right now?
It was a little cool today, but it’s gonna be warmer tomorrow.
67:What was the last book I’ve read?
This really fucked up comic series called Crossed. I last read the first issue of Crossed: Badlands. Please do not look up Crossed. There is a lot of gore, rape, and other horribly unpleasant things. It’s very morbid.
68:Do I like the smell of gasoline?
I do!
69:Do I have any nicknames?
None that I’d like to admit online lol…
70:What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?
I almost broke a rib while wrestling my friend once
71:Do I spend money or save it?
I spend it. I’m definitely going to start saving soon.
72:Can I touch my nose with a tongue?
Nope.
73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me?
Yup. A couple of Mega64 posters, one of which is the new one they sent out for their Patreon.
74:Favorite animal?
I like snakes.
75:What was I doing last night at 12 AM?
Probably scrolling down this hellsite.
76:What do I think Satan’s last name is?
Christ ooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh
77:What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?
I can’t think of any specific ones at the moment. Probably older songs that trigger nostalgia for me.
78:How can you win my heart?
Gimme dat s u c c
In all seriousness, just be compatible with me and maintain interest in me.
Although given dat s u c c wouldn’t hurt.
79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?
“He did a lot of what he wanted to do in life and was as happy as he could be.”
80:What is my favorite word?
aka (prounounced awka)
I can’t think of a more serious answer that isn’t that Donnie Darko scene where the girl says “cellar door” is the most beautiful phrase in the English language.
81:My top 5 blogs on tumblr?
My blog x5
82:If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?
I have no idea what I’m doing. Please send help.
83:Do I have any relatives in jail?
Not that I know of, but who knows with how often my dad keeps secrets of his side of the family hidden.
84:I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?
Photosynthesis
85:What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?
Probably a few things…
86:What is my current desktop picture?
D.C. United’s logo with their entire regular season schedule
87:Had sex?
Hahahahahahaha nope.
88:Bought condoms?
Hahahahahahaha yeah.
89:Gotten pregnant?
I would hope not. Ya know. Since I don’t have a uterus.
90:Failed a class?
Yeah
91:Kissed a boy?
No
92:Kissed a girl?
Absolutely
93:Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?
Maybe?
94:Had job?
Yeah
95:Left the house without my wallet?
Probably
96:Bullied someone on the Internet?
Nope.
97:Had sex in public?
Please refer to question #87
98:Played on a sports team?
Not in any sort of program. I’ve only played on recreational soccer teams. Those aren’t anything serious though.
99:Smoked weed?
Yeah
100:Did drugs?
Weed is a drug, so technically yeah.
101:Smoked cigarettes?
Yeah. They’re disgusting
102:Drank alcohol?
Yup.
103:Am I a vegetarian/vegan?
No
104:Been overweight?
Yes indeedy
105:Been underweight?
Nope. I’ve only ever been a fatty.
106:Been to a wedding?
Yes
107:Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?
Of course
108:Watched TV for 5 hours straight?
Definitely
109:Been outside my home country?
Nope :(
110:Gotten my heart broken?
Hahahahahahahahahaha yes
111:Been to a professional sports game?
Absolutely
112:Broken a bone?
Thankfully, no.
113:Cut myself?
Not on purpose
114:Been to prom?
Twice.
115:Been in airplane?
No
116: Fly by helicopter?
No
117:What concerts have I been to?
Let’s see if I can remember them all! I’ve been to a bunch of local shows since I’ve been in a band!
DC101 Chili Cookoff 2009
Linkin Park/Mutemath
Tool
Fozzy
Alice in Chains/Jane’s Addiction/Coheed and Cambria/Circa Survive
The Protomen
Powerglove
Iron Maiden/Dream Theater
DJ Cutman
Probably a bunch of other things
118:Had a crush on someone of the same sex?
I mean, I guess so? Nothing I would have wanted to act on though.
119:Learned another language?
I can sort-of speak German!
120:Wore make up?
I put on eyeliner one time but my mom made me take it off before we went home so my dad wouldn’t see it and be pissed lol.
121:Lost my virginity before I was 18?
Please refer to question #87
122:Had oral sex?
Yep.
123:Dyed my hair?
Nothing more than my bangs. And even then, it was such a shitty dark blue, you could hardly tell it apart from my normal hair color. My parents weren’t very fun.
124:Voted in a presidential election?
Yeah
125:Rode in an ambulance?
No
126:Had a surgery?
Nothing besides getting my wisdom teeth removed
127:Met someone famous?
Only people that are famous on the internet
128:Stalked someone on a social network?
I mean, who hasn’t???
129:Peed outside?
Yeah
130:Been fishing?
Yeah
131:Helped with charity?
Yup
132:Been rejected by a crush?
Eventually
133:Broken a mirror?
Loooooooool yeah
134:What do I want for birthday?
To be able to go to Gamedays
135:How many kids do I want and what will be their names?
No more than two. I like the name Julia for a girl, and I have no idea what I would name a boy haha. I do like Max and Sebastian, but those are such stereotypical overly proper white parent names. Hopefully, I’ll have plenty of time to figure that out!
136:Was I named after anyone?
Nope.
137:Do I like my handwriting?
Eh. It’s unique, I guess?
138:What was my favorite toy as a child?
Video games
139:Favorite TV Show?
I don’t really keep up with TV all that much anymore, but It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia is one of the funniest god-damned shows on the planet. I love it so much.
140:Where do I want to live when older?
Somewhere in which I’m happy and financially secure.
141:Play any musical instrument?
I play the drums! I’ve been playing for about 11 years.
142:One of my scars, how did I get it?
My right ring finger is a little swollen and purple from what I believe was when I had a door get closed on it when I was a child.
143:Favorite pizza topping?
White sauce, chicken, and bacon. There’s also nothing wrong with a classic pepperoni.
144:Am I afraid of the dark?
Sometimes, the dark is very terrifying all alone
145:Am I afraid of heights?
Not really
146:Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?
Lol yep.
147:Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?
That’s basically my life
148:What I’m really bad at.
Picking up signals from girls that might be interested in me. I’m always just assuming that people are just friendly, and I have low self-esteem when it comes to my date-ability
149:What my greatest achievements are.
Finishing college.
150:The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me.
Why you gotta make me think about that?
151:What I’d do if I won in a lottery.
Pay off my student loans
152:What do I like about myself?
The fact that I’m a triplet, my butt, my drumming ability, my art
153:My closest Tumblr friend.
@it-was-real-horrorshow
154:Something I fantasies about.
Mostly inappropriate things
Holy fuck, that was a lot to answer! Thank you for the interest, I guess!
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