#trying to get back into a routine bc ive been feeling like absolute GARBAGE lately
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heading to the gym for the first time in forever
#i genuinely h8 working out like u guys don’t even get it#trying to get back into a routine bc ive been feeling like absolute GARBAGE lately#eating fast food way too much#not sleeping (this one isn’t my fault it’s capitalisms)#my skin has been so bad#ugh#anywho#ate a fruit and vegetable today woohooo#time to go cry on an eliptical#and then walk out like a gym baddie sex symbol 💅✨#as i didnt just watch run bts n burn maximum 30 calories#im procrastinating okay byeeeee lmao#love you all#drink water pls our organs are deteriorating !!
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rambly post that might be slightly les coherent than other ones bc i’m v v sleepy n out of it n Not Feeling Well
all those who don’t wanna read bout me bein an Anxious Fucker look away now
w e l p
I feel like I’ve covered this already but i still feel like i shit friend
I’ve been neglecting so many of my buds like hella
I haven’t actively initiated a fuckin convo since 1912
and even then they don’t last v long bc I’m shit
n idk what’s wrong w/ me as of late
my depression feels more Crushing than fucking ever
my Anxiety is sky fucking high because work is a goddamned mess I have 0 life and I’m v much feeling like i’m purposelessly floatin through life
Tonight was manageable
though that’s all i really asked for
I did a spell, a simple one, for the last hour of my shift to be empty so we could clean n everything. that no matter what today threw at me, I’d manage.
and I did
i promised my Will would outlast my lipstick
and it did
till i got home, wiped off my lipstick, and took a nap
then i woke up disoriented and not feelin that great n all my anxiety hit me like a goddamned truck it was gr8 rlly
Work is so fucking draining i hate it
I don’t know which i hate more
morning shift or late shift
both are fucking awful because my job is fucking awful and i wish i wasn’t fucking scared of driving long distances in my shitty little focus otherwise I’d be trying to find literally anywhere fucking else to work
I’d love to do comissions n art shit for money but lmao my art ain’t that fucking good
n everybody knows there’s atleast 40 other artists with better art and more dire circumstances that could use the fucking income more than my stupid ass so whatever
n lmao getting a legit job doing art would be A. a bitch and a half bc See Above and I’d get so anxious i’d chicken out applying
so
shitty subway job it is
for shitty ol me
bluh
i feel 17 kinda gross n tired n long for the sweet embrace of death
though i don’t REALLY wanna die
I just REALLY want to get replaced
like
someone takes up my place so nobody realizes i’m gone so i can die Guilt Free
someone better than me
someone better at art and music and talking and being a decent person
someone not me
I hate this i hate feeling like this i hate feeling weighed down n like my spine’s gonna snap n like my head is full of static and wool
i wish there was something i could take that could make it go away but haha like that’s ever gonna happen
i can barely remember to take the ONe med i have to worry bout on time
I’d never be able to get into a routine
Ive always been rlly bad bout routines
i never rlly have one
I used to always take a shower at 9:00 n head to bed at 11:00ish
though anymore It’s an accomplishment i take a shower at all n don’t put it off till tomorrow or worse still not take one then and wait till i feel Absolutely Disgusting n my hair looks gross enough i know people will notice at work
I’m just
so fucking gross everything about me is and of course none of y’all can see that bc y’all only get my Highlights Reel selfies most of the time w/ filters n angles
good thing i don’t have a LDR otherwise they’d be DEEPLY underwhelmed once they met me irl lmao
speaking of relationships
guess who’s been getting Them Mushy Stupid Feelings again???
and guess who’s depression has been kicking her in the teeth for it??
this bitch
bc lemme explain here
I still rlly like the idea of a relationship or atleast having someone i can call my own n make stupid jokes w/ bout it n all that Jazz
but
the person i got these mushy feelings for
I’m still not Totally Sure how they feel bout me bc well
we did talk bout it alot but
i’m still just like
Doubt
like
was it all just bull so I wouldn’t feel bad??
was I creepy as fuck??????
were the feelings returned then but gone now????
were there ever really Feelings or was it just v v little crush-y thing while I’m over here in a big heap of Garbage feeling like my heart’s going to fucking fall apart
does he still feel that way bout me??
would he tell me the truth if i asked?
ugh jsut
i hate it
and that ain’t the end of it oh no
it gets worse
bc I worry bout him
alot
bc shit’s goin down in his life n I hate to pry but im a nosy bitch n idk how to help like??? is he the typa person to talk bout this sorta thing or should i go straight for Distract w/ Memes ???????????
I also worry I’ve been creepy and/or annoying and/or shitty n made him Not Like Me
and I’m trying so hard to be like “I don’t need validation from anyone if they like me they do if they don’t then they don;t”
but at the same time
I’m always a slut for Positive Attention
so you see my dillema
bluh
I wish i could be nicer to myself i know everyone wants me to be nicer to myself but it’s so fucking hard
especially recently bc it feels like the voice in my head ordered a fucking megaphone off amazon w/ 2 day shipping and now the fucker is 3x as loud
so instead of creeping little thoughts that bug me n make me sad I have a loud ass voice over everything else in my head telling me i’m awful
i should be a better friend
I don’t deserve all the good things i have
I should stop being a fucking crybaby
I’m so disgusting how could anyone ever like me
I shouldn’t bother trying to get into a relationship, I’ll only let the other person down
people you’ve turned down or people who turned you down dodged a real bullet not having to deal with you
you clingy, manipulative, whiny, pessimistic, pile of garbage
why does anyone even stay around you it’s so rare you’re even worth noticing
your art’s so mediocre why do you even keep trying you know it won’t get any better
stop bothering trying to accept yourself you know you hate how you look and you find yourself disgusting don’t try to fool yourself or anyone else
you’re such an absolute disgrace of a human being you shouldn’t even exist
and it feels like it jsut keeps getting louder with these thoughts pounding on my head like i thought it was bad before but now I hear it full blast
like I was wearing a diving helmet that leaked
now i’ve taken it off and I’m suffocating
you’re not a real witch
you’re stupid for believing you can do anything with afew little words and “feeling” anything
those little poppets you made won’t help your depression n the rocks you bought won’t make the voice stop
why even bother if you’re not going to actually try
you didn’t even research that much did you
you just want to say you’re a witch and act like you have some sort of power when really you’re just as sad and pathetic as you were before you started thinking your childhood halloween costume was something more
you can’t commit to anything
it’s pathetic
any time your little “spells” work it’s coincidence and you know it. you don’t know what you’re doing and you don’t have any power in anything. just give up already
I wish i knew what to do to get the voice to stop or atleast to put the diving helmet back on but i don’t know how to fix it I don’t know how to get it to stop for good
I don’t know why this is happening there’s no reason for it
maybe it’s because I fell in love and it made me weak n more susceptible to Everythign Else
who the fuck knows bc i don’t
I’m so exhausted
writing all this out has helped alot, n so has this soda i grabbed from downstairs
so
the thoughts are finally out of my head and somewhere else
good
then i can read them over and over again
and try and fight back but
it’s hard
it’s so hard to fight myself
it’s hard to fight thoughts that force their way into my head like facts
blah
the thoughts have died down
they’re quieter again
i can still see them through the glass of my diving helmet and they tap on the glass but
they’re more manageable now
though
some are still clinging to the back of my mind
mostly the ones on love since that’s what I’ve been so stupidly hung up on lately
i guess it’s just because I’ve been wanting affection for so long just
wanting someone that I fell in love w/ like that that would love me back
that i got hung up on the first person who i thought maybe shared the same feelings but now i’m not entirely sure even though I know what they said my brain is still jumbling things up and making it hard to sort through
tho if you’re reading this ya nosy lil fucker n you know who you are
shoot me a skype message so i know i haven’t managed to be So Incredibly Draining you never wanna talk again
or don’t rlly
it doesn’t matter in the end i guess
it’s obvi a possibility i’m just a super draining person n it’s nobody’s fault
I still wonder though if you get as nervous as i do sometimes
maybe I’m just being dumb
maybe I’m just so disgustingly infatuated with the idea of love and relationships I’m projecting
maybe I’m just hoping so badly that some cute, stupid thing i read in a story could happen to me
because i think about that alot
wishing and wishing that some day I’d be part of a bigger story
that something would Happen and my life would have some sort of narrative or meaning to it that would feel satisfying
like there was fate i was meeting with
but
I guess me n fate just can’t seem to make plans quite right
I should probably just finish my soda and head off to bed
or atleast try
maybe stay up on my phone n watch weird DIY videos on youtube bc that tends to happen alot
i know I’ll never actually get to doing any of them n have no intention of it but
still fun to watch other people have fun making things
or destroying them in some cases
if you poor soul make it to the bottom of this post congrats
here’s a link to the song I’ve been listening to for the majority of writing this that’s kinda helped w/ my anxiety alittle
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5IEt63qOSI
been listening to alotta big bad voodoo daddy lately
got good music
#becca babbles#becca rambles#I'm a whiny motherfukcer i know im sorry#don't gotta read or respond or nothin if you dont' wanna#I don't think much could really help me atm lmao
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