#try again kinder. try again until you're kind. again until it's the right thing to do. again again again

[vagaland]

(try to anyway)

[avocado-writing]

Hello! Might I ask for the lovely bg3 guys hearing tav say they're love them in the middle of an argument please? Take your time!

Astarion

Who knows what you're arguing about. It could be something sincere (his ascention) or something inane (he took your soap without asking, again) but it still slips out all the same:

"You're lucky I love you, or I'd be really angry."

The two of you stop and stare at each other for a moment, before you let out a strangled little sound and exit the conversation.

Astarion is baffled. He wasn't expecting that. Except, he sort of was? He's been trying to get you to fall for him after all, so why does it feel so... nice to hear you say it? And why does he feel so guilty?

The two of you move on like nothing's happened for a while, the tension bubbling between the two of you, until eventually he can't take it any more.

The two of you are on watch one night and he blurts out, "I love you too."

You stare at him for a long moment, he's never felt smaller. "Are you being serious?" "Yes. I am."

You look so relieved. He brings you into his arms and the two of you stay embraced for the rest of the night.

Gale

It's like you're arguing about the bomb inside him.

He's arguing it's the best solution to your problems, you're telling him that he needs to care about himself more. You're getting so frustrated that tears are starting to sting hot in your eyes.

"I wish you loved yourself like I love you, Gale."

Ah, you didn't mean to let that slip out. The two of you let the quiet sink in. You go to move away, his silence crushing, but he reaches out to grab you - not hard, but enough so that you stay.

"You love me?"

Tears come, inevitably.

"Of course I love you, Gale, you utter fool."

You can see he wants to argue about that but for once just takes the insult, pulling you into his arms so tightly you feel like he'll keep you there forever. Yes, he is a fool for not seeing it earlier.

"I love you too. You are the most precious thing in my life. I'm sorry for worrying you... and you're right, of course. You're always right."

You sleep in his arms that evening, and the Netherese Orb is never mentioned again.

Wyll

Oh, Wyll. Why would you be arguing with this sweet, kind man?

Maybe you're begging him to try and get out of his contract with Mizora, take back hold of his own life again. He's arguing about duty, what he owes to Baldur's Gate.

"I wish you'd think for once about what you owe to me, Wyll. To yourself! I love you!"

His mouth falls open, he's flabbergasted. When you try and escape he doesn't let you, following you into the forest where you run, calling your name.

Eventually you slow down enough for him to catch you and bring you in for a sweet kiss, then press his forehead against yours.

"I love you too. Of course I love you. I hate that I ever made you feel anything less than my absolute priority. You are always the first in my heart."

The two of you sit down and have a long, healthy conversation about talking things out as a couple. Making decisions together. At the end of if you come out stronger, united as a team.

Halsin

Halsin is probably the most laid-back on this list, it's hard to think of something you'd really argue about.

It comes down to this: you aren't taking care of yourself enough. Not eating properly, sleeping properly, sharing your burdens. You are trying to shoulder it all.

He keeps telling you that you need to be kinder to yourself - you keep snapping that he isn't in charge, he doesn't know what it's like. He tells you he cares about you too much to see you in pain.

You're angry at first - who is he to tell you what to do - and then you're just sad; burying your face in his chest.

"I love you too much to argue with you, Halsin," you whisper, and his heart melts.

"I love you too, my heart. Let me take care of you."

He cooks you dinner and makes sure you eat it all, draws you a bath and helps you wash. His fingers are magic. He lays down with you on your bedroll and lets his body warm yours, keeping you tight against him, only drifting off himself when he is sure you are sound asleep.

[solradguy]

Recently I've started to try and study a lot of the artwork for Guilty Gear, particularly the artwork by Daisuke. I was reading your translation of the notes in the XX artbook and I realized that on a lot of the artwork I really liked, Daisuke mentioned mistakes he made. I found this odd since, again, most of them I thought were absolute masterpieces.

I know that people always say "You're your own worst critic", especially to artists, but I guess that it never really set in until I was reading those.

I get nobody's art is perfect (Daisuke is no exception, there are pieces in the artbook that even I could see were rather flawed), but the fact that I am staring in aw at some artwork and I then read that the creator of it was upset that the perspective was all off feels insane. Kinda makes me think about how I critique my own art when I have so many people in my life who think I'm an amazing artist.

I know this is gonna sound stupid and corny but I wanted to get this out of my head since it's been in there for at least a week or two now. Probably didn't word this the best since it's getting a bit late since I decided to stay up to listen to the new (and by new I mean two years old) Red Hot Chili Peppers album while drawing and I thought of this again.

Also thanks for translating the art book. Although the artwork by itself is still great, the comments (as I have stated) were really insightful for me personally. You really are a rad guy, at least in my eyes.

When I first translated Artworks of GGX 2000-2007, I thought Daisuke's harshness towards his art was possibly a Japanese cultural thing, since it's not uncommon for creators in Japan to kind of talk down their own accomplishments ("kenkyo"; [1] [2]). But then I got a bit better at Japanese and read commentary and autobiographical works by other artists—Hirohiko Araki, Kentarou Miura, and Ryoko Kui [3]—and they're much more positive about their creations. They're still humble about it, as any professional generally is, but they certainly aren't as critical as Daisuke is in Artworks 2007. It's definitely odd.

Artworks 2007 is an updated/expanded reprint of an edition that came out 3 years earlier, Artworks of GGX 2000-2004, so a little over half of the captions in Artworks 2007 were written between 2000 and 2004. If it wasn't kenkyo that made Daisuke critical about his art, then, I thought, maybe all the work he had on his plate leading up to the Sammy-Sega merger, which threatened the Guilty Gear IP as a whole[4], had him in kind of a depressive/hyper-critical mindset? That still feels like it could be plausible; his more recent (>2010) commentary is a lot kinder.

It is reassuring knowing that even incredibly skilled artists like Daisuke can still fall into being mean about their own art. Some things never change haha Here's hoping, like Daisuke, we all crawl out of that hyper-critical borderline self-loathing art pit 💪

Thanks for reading the translation!! And for the compliment. Artworks 2007 was my very, very, first large scale GG translation project and I'd like to redo it some day, some of the translations are a little wobbly.... I didn't make a Japanese manuscript for it though, which means I'll have to rescan every page again to get the text off them 😵‍💫

~ https://sakuratips.com/2020/10/20/humble/

~ https://interculturalwordsensei.org/kenkyo/

Hirohiko Araki is known for Jojo's Bizarre Adventure, Kentarou Miura for Berserk, and Ryoko Kui for Dungeon Meshi

~ https://www.siliconera.com/arc-system-works-now-owns-the-rights-to-guilty-gear/

(sorry for the ~ before the links lol tumblr really wanted to turn them into embeds...)

[turtlecleric]

Venty thing set in the bayverse, Raph is mentioned but no turtles show up

CWs: Implied depression and suicidal ideation, hurt no comfort

Hm.

-

Maybe it's because you haven't been sleeping much lately. Actually, it could be that you haven't been doing a very good job of taking your medicine consistently. Yeah, maybe- but you've only missed a few doses. Work is stressful, sure, but that's nothing new.

Whatever the case, it's 5:00 in the afternoon, and you've yet to drag yourself out of bed. Not because you've actually been resting, no, but there's just... something weighing you down. Something holding you here that you can't name or explain very well.

You consider reaching out to one of the guys. They always make you feel better - at least, until you say something stupid and ruin your own mood. But you... you don't really want to be around anyone right now. Especially them. They haven't seen you like this. At least not when it's been this bad. No, better to wait it out, you think. Wait until you can actually make yourself smile. Wait until you can at least act like a normal person.

You feel like you've spent most of your life waiting.

Your phone buzzes shortly. An email, maybe. Or some random app notification. You don't care enough to check.

You feel gross. Maybe a shower would help. But if you're going to shower, then you might as well work out a little first. That's supposed to help, too, or so you've heard. Hasn't yet, but maybe it's the kind of thing you have to do over the course of several months? Or maybe you're just... doing it wrong.

Sometimes it feels like you do everything wrong.

You sigh and roll over, staring at the light filtering into the room through your curtains. For some reason, you wish it was darker outside. This feeling, whatever it is, when it's dark out, it feels... well, not better, exactly, but. Easier? No, that's not right either. More understandable? You don't know. But you wish it was darker all the same.

Surely there's something you can do to feel better. It's been months of this feeling, though, with very little reprieve, despite everything you've done to try and push through it. Trying to keep a positive attitude. Trying to be kinder to yourself. Trying to distract yourself and take steps to avoid isolation when things get dangerous. Trying, trying, trying, that's all you ever do is try. You're tired. Tired of feeling like this, tired of pretending that you're h-

Crying again. You're not sure why you started. You're not sure why you can't stop.

You wonder if Raph ever feels like this. If he ever has days where it feels easier to stay down. Probably not. He's never been one to stay down - not in the time you've known him, at least. He'd probably be able to push through this like it's nothing. He'd probably be disappointed in you for not being able to-

No. You're being overly critical again. Putting sentiments in other people's heads when you've got no evidence that that's what they think. You can't possibly know what Raph would think unless you actually ask him - and that's certainly out of the question.

Still. Maybe you could... text him. It would distract you for a little while, at least, from the gaping maw that is your chest.

You roll over again and reach out, fumbling with your phone. Shaky hands. You should eat.

Maybe later.

You swipe away the notifications that have gathered. Nothing of importance, you note. No one's messaged you. The emails are all spam. Just a bunch of random shit, like you expected.

A voice in the back of your head whispers that if Raphael wanted to talk to you, then he would have messaged you first. You push the thought away, reminding yourself that relationships are a two-way street. And just because someone hasn't reached out doesn't mean they don't want to talk to you at all.

Still. Your thumbs hesitate after opening the text thread you've got with him. You... don't even have anything to say. Not really. There's nothing you feel like talking about, you just- you just want-

You don't know what you want.

You lock your phone and toss it to the side. Maybe you'll message him later.

Or maybe you'll go into the bathroom. And stare at the medicine cabinet for a while.

[waters-and-the-wilde]

okay speaking of wrestling and also apropos of 'Rita drags him in by his tie', I was previously having Thoughts about imminently post Got His Ass wherein Rita is bound and determined to drag Nureyev kicking and screaming back into being family again so uh. scenario.

Rita corners Nureyev for A Conversation after they Get His Ass, like plot resolution denouement loose ends and stuff where he's in the clear debt-wise, made his peace with Slip however that looks, he and Juno Have Talked but they're like just on the other side of Having Talked. like Things Are Okay but also everything's just so raw and they're being So Careful with each other, it's like the early days on the Carte Blanche again and it's hard to shake the feeling that any more disturbance is going to topple whatever they're trying to rebuild

so Nureyev is just. his whole brain is full of fire alarms. he's vibrating in place like a greyhound that just got picked up at the shelter after it got spooked and ran away from home. this time he has no high ground as the injured party, he and Rita have known each other for a year now so there's a lot less of her initial 'sniff out the new beau' hesitancy, and sure he knows Rita well enough that it's obvious she's not gonna up and Ruin Him on purpose when she wholeheartedly volunteered to get him out of the mess he was in but still. she's the most unpredictable person he's ever met, he has no idea how this is going to go.

like logically he knows that he and Juno are working shit out and logically he knows that Rita's kinder than the people in her life deserve and might continue to tolerate him, but ultimately she's Juno's best friend who might well just be about to give him the mother of all 'you're on thin fucking ice' shovel talks, like she can't possibly still approve of him anymore right??

so he's scrambling to do preemptive damage control, he's throwing everything he's got into trying to Fix This. going on about how he knows what she must think of him and how sorry he is and that all he has to say for himself is that he only wanted to keep Juno safe, that he couldn't bear the thought of dragging him down with him, not when he was free and their family was together and he knows he should have ended it when Juno asked him to and he just wasn't strong enough and Rita's like. yeah that's nice i know Mista' Nureyev, hey can I tell you what I said to Mista' Steel when he told me about leaving you in that hotel?

and Nureyev shuts up and braces himself and nods very seriously and then she's like, actually you might wanna take off your glasses for this, and now he's extra confused and possibly even more terrified, and she waits until he's put them in a little case and set it on a side table and then there's just kind of a blur and a whole Rita NYEEERRRRRRAAaGGHHH!!!! noise and WHOOMP

pillow to the face

(for context. in my brain. I sorta presume that Juno told her about what happened with Miasma at some point in the aftermath of Newtown bc he owed her an explanation about both times he went missing, and yes she was glad that Juno didn't run away on an adventure across the galaxy without her but she knows a dick move when she sees one and also probably has the full context of baby Mista' Steel's self-sabotaging romantic choices (Juno said there was a whole thing about him walking out when he was with Diamond so I am assuming that Rita was privy to any number of related incidents over the course of those years). finding out that he passed up the chance to run away on a romantic adventure with the mysterious and dashing gentleman who he'd been mooning over for month, who was apparently also smitten with him the whole time and saved his life and tried to take care of him when he lost his eye?? she waited until he was staring into the bottom of his glass and then started whaling on him with a pillow)

anyway Nureyev doesn't get a chance to do much except yelp and sputter and get his arms up before she whacks him with the pillow again. and again. and starts yelling like 'YOu! are! such! a! big! dumb! baBY! Just! 'Cause! YOU! Think! People're better off! Without you! Don't make you! All! Noble 'n stuff!'

and he gets with the program pretty fast, which is to say that he's just on the floor letting her do her worst because that's just what's happening now

'alright I yield! I surrender! have mercy your honor!'

'DAMN! RIGHT! YOU! DO! DidN'T! Captain! Mom! Teach! you! aNYThInG! Big! Stupid! Tough guy! Tryin'a! Do it all! Yourself! We're! S'posed to be! FaMBLY! Now you're! Stuck with us! FoReVeR!!'

tackles him with the pillow. starts tickling him. both of them are shrieking. he vaguely registers that Juno has appeared and is slouching in the doorway 'my love i beg of you call off the attack i'll do anything' and Juno's like 'sorry honey i'm a little busy' and is holding up something that is probably comms-shaped and 'Nooooo, Juno how could you, JUNO SINCE WHEN DO YOU KNOW HOW TO RECORD THINGS'

(and the thing is Nureyev was just letting it happen because he assumed this was catharsis for Rita's sake and sure it's not not for Rita getting it out of her system but she processes things pretty fast you know? and she runs out of steam and goes off to get a snack and he's just there on the floor with his hair in his face kinda punch-drunk and Juno sidles up and sits beside him and whoops turns out Rita found the Release Feelings Valve and Juno's like 'yeah she does that. went a lot easier on me but I think that was mostly because I'd just gotten out of the hospital when i told her about all that.')

(a couple months later Ruby turns up to scoop Jet in the nick of time from a dangerous raid on Dark Matters and he asks what it's been up to and it pulls up the footage that Juno copied to the databanks. he gets a good kick out of the fact that Rita was on the same page about the whole 'he is solitary and overconfident and alone he can only fail' thing and that she got the opportunity to address it in the most rita way possible)

[rex101111]

Trying to intentionally come up with something unusual is ending up to be a fair bit more difficult than I was anticipating. Perhaps a safe choice but I've seen you talk about her before and cannot remember if you've written her before, so how about you take a crack at something with one Taokaka T. Kaka?

I HAVE NOT WRITTEN FOR TAO "ACTUALLY SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE MAIN CHARACTER" KAKA YET BUT YOU'LL REGRET GIVING ME AN EXCUSE TO DO SO BELIEVE YOU ME - Taokaka thinks she's forgotten something. This isn't anything new, she's always had trouble concentrating on most things for long periods of time, Tora says that things fly into Tao's head only to fly right out again all the time. Its never bothered her before, the world is so full of things that it honestly wouldn't be fair for Tao to just focus on one thing and not give attention to something else too.

She's forgotten that she's forgotten things, or at least people tell her that she has...but this time, she remembers that she's forgotten something. Something big. Something...important. Like breakfast. Forgetting breakfast would be like forgetting your feet, Tao never forgets breakfast or her feet, but she's forgotten something close to it. There's a restaurant in town that makes her stomach squeeze shut, there's a road she doesn't walk down alone because it feels too wide for just one person. She thinks there's a patch of grass in Kaka Village that should be pressed down and worn but there isn't. Tao asks people, she asks the kittens but they knew less then her, she asks Tora but she just shakes her head and tells Tao to take a nap. She goes into town, Scruffy Man holds his head like it aches but doesn't know, Hat Lady goes through a bunch of papers in her big office but apparently the papers don't know anything either. Tao bursts into Boobie Lady's place, not even knocking even though she knows she needs to knock because at this point forgetting has stopped bothering her and is just making her angry. And Tao doesn't get angry, she doesn't like it, doesn't understand it, this coiling feeling in the bottom of her stomach food can't reach.

She yells and screams, paces back and forth while Boobie Lady and her squiggly looking husband try to calm her down. Tao thinks-is sure she's forgetting something important. No. Someone important. She tries to force her mind to make an image, an outline, something anything so she can remember. She thinks she's forgetting a friend. Tao forgets a lot of things but friends stay, friends don't just leave her head she won't let them. Squiggly adjusts his glasses and tries to tell Tao that if she forgot something it must not be important, because you remember things that are important. Tao hears the words, hears the kindness behind them, and she feels her head explode and her chest clench and she lunges. "FRIENDS ARE IMPORTANT! TAO DOESN'T FORGET HER FRIENDS!" She's held back before her claws or teeth can do anything, but she struggles and yowls because she's never been this angry, doesn't know what to do with angry, so her head simply lets go of control and lets her burning gut tell her limbs what to do. "Tao! Tao listen-!" Litchi (Litchi, apparently that's her name when Tao is too angry to be friends with anyone) holds her back, stronger then she looks and kinder then Tao thinks she deserves, Litchi keeps her claws and teeth away from doing anything she can't fix, and then her voice hitches, "Tao...Tao you're crying...Tao look at me..." She can't, she didn't notice the big hot wet tears rolling down her face until Litchi pointed them out and now Tao feels stupider then she's ever felt in her life and for once she can't bare to be so stupid, how stupid could she be that she could forget a friend? A friend with no face and no voice and no shape. She can't remember a thing, all she remembers is that there's a hole in the world that somebody should be filling and only she seems to notice.

She struggles out her grip and runs, runs until her limbs burn and her lungs ache but her tears keep rolling down, weighing her down. Somehow, her limbs carry her to the grassy hill outside home. Its late, all the street lights are out, the black so thick Tao thinks she could scratch a hole in it. She looks down at her feet, sees a patch of grass gently blowing in the night air. The grass looks too alive, the patch of grass doesn't look like anyone has ever slept there. That's wrong. Tao knows somewhere deeper then her stomach that the grass looks wrong. She pulls out her claws, and digs. She digs deeper and deeper and deeper, if she digs deep enough maybe the grass will tell her what she's forgotten, maybe the dirt will give her a face, maybe the night air will give her an echo of a voice. "He's not there." A voice colder then shadows says from the lip of her hole, and Tao slowly turns to look up. She sees a small figure clad in red and black, red eyes piercing the thick dark, holding a fancy umbrella. "It's a parasol." The figure corrects, in the same voice Litchi uses when she teaches Tao how to write. The figure, the shadow girl, reaches her free hand down, "Here, let me help you up." Tao looks at her dirty paws, caked in dirt and dead grass, looks at the hole she dug. The shadow girl is right, whoever Tao was looking for, he isn't here. She reaches up, and the little shadow pulls her up with a strength Tao doesn't expect. "...Tao's forgotten someone." Her voice sounds hoarse and rough, her face feels wet from tears and mud, Tao is done being confused, done being sad, doesn't have the energy for anger, now she's...empty. Empty in a way food can't fill. "Why can Tao forget? He...there was someone important, Tao knows there was...how could she forget? Tao always remembers her friends..." The little girl's face twists at the words, looking like there's something crawling in her stomach that she can't let out. "...It isn't that you've forgotten..." She starts, Tao thinks each word was picked in advance. "It is just that...you can't remember. No one can." Tao feels the tiniest wick of fire in her gut again, feels a hiss on the back of her tongue, "why?" The little girl doesn't flinch away, her red dagger eyes never moving away from Tao's face, "why not? Did someone take the memory away?" "...Yes." The hiss moves forward, "Was it you?" The daggers grow sharper, killing the hiss before it could go any further, "No." Shadow Girl sighs, reaches her hand out again, puts it against the side of Tao's wet face, her skin feels like an ice pack, Tao feels herself slump, "...this is just a bad dream. You shouldn't torture yourself for what you can't remember..." Tao tries to focus, but every limb is filling with stones, she tries to focus on the hole where her friend should be, tries to picture his eyes, or his hair, or his smile. Nothing, as if something bigger then she can possibly imagine is blocking the way, a wall her claws will never ever cut through. "...I'm sorry." Shadow Girl's voice struggles around the word, as if she never needed to apologize for anything, or never thought she needed to. Tao thinks, in the bleary mess of her own mind, that she sounds lonely. "Sleep, and forget that you've forgotten, sleep...and live." Tao wakes up, her eyes are heavy, there's dirt on her claws. She's laying down in the grass outside the village. She yawns, rubs at her aching eyes. She looks to the side and sees a very deep hole in the hill. She blinks at it, wonders if she dug it up because someone told her there was treasure buried there...she sighs in disappointment when she looks inside and sees nothing but dirt. Tao flops on her back and looks up at the early morning sky, she wonders why her throat aches, why her muscles feel tense, why her eyes burn. ...Taokaka thinks she's forgotten something.

[teadreamsims]

With the passage of time came changes. Misael swiftly moved out after Fern declared her intentions for divorce, the two of them agreeing that they would share custody and the twins would spend 4 days a week with Misael, 3 with Fern. While it seemed unfair upon first glance, the children would be spending Fridays and weekends with their mum, meaning she'd get lots of one on one time with them when they weren't in school. Meanwhile, Misael got them on most school days and agreed that, at least while Fern was trying to make a career for herself as a baker, he would handle most of the costs for raising the boys. Just until they were both able to equally split the costs.

On Fern's due date, she got an unexpected but very welcome visitor.

"They kicked! Oh my god, did you feel that? They know their Aunty Desiree is here!" Desiree's sheer joy and excitement made smile fondly.

"They also know that their escape is nigh. Soon they will break free from their flesh cage and burst forth into the world."

Desiree pouted. "Way to make it sound gruesome and horrifying."

"Is birth not gruesome and horrifying?"

"Ah, true." Fern's best friend stood up straight and the two of them moved to the living room to chat, plopping down on the sofa. "Are you still intending on letting Misael be in the room with you when you give birth?"

"Well, yeah. He's an asshole and he's put me off the idea of relationships, but he's still their dad, you know? I don't want to kick him out of the ward and later down the line have my kids thinking he didn't want to be there or that I banned him from seeing their first moments in life."

Desiree pulled Fern into a gentle hug, careful not to pull her about too much. "You're much kinder to him than I would ever be. He didn't deserve you, you know."

The baker laughed. "Dad tells me the same thing any time his name is even mentioned. I think he kind of blames himself for what happened."

"What? Why?"

"He just wishes he'd made us wait, take our time before rushing into marriage straight out of high school. We did everything all at once and I think Dad feels guilty that he encouraged me to go through with it even though he never like Misael," Fern explained. She tried not to get emotional when thinking about her dad and his reaction reaction the divorce. Despite his disapproval, he'd still grown to tolerate and even trust Misael a little. Now he was blaming himself for not intervening, even though he did the right thing by stepping back and allowing his daughter to make her own mistakes.

Fern was determined never to make that kind of mistake again. She was going to raise her babies and focus on them and her growing business. Relationships could come later when they were grown up and didn't need to depend on her ad much anymore.

Just as she was thinking that, she felt her legs and the sofa beneath her grow wet and jumped to her feet, Desiree staring in astonishment.

"I think my waters just broke."

[waywardstation]

yeah I was taking a break, still taking it easy though but I am amazed by all the content you've shared while I was gone.

Wonderful art AND an AMAZING animation!

I was surprised and not surprised. From what I have seen from you I know what you're capable of but I didn't expect anything this soon! The fact it looks like it can loop is also so well thought out. Trapped in an cycle with Jörmun. Ember evolving. Ingo commanding both Teams as Akari searches her Satchel. The tension building up until the "chomp" cutting to red.

Also a lot of bravo and wow for Jörmuns animations. You can feel the power of this huge Garchomp right out of the animation. The movements radiate so much power, speed and strength. It's breathtaking. You know that things are serious even without the context of what has been established.

Also hoping the dream anon gets their eyes on these.

I already know I will be having these scenes playing over again in my head when I'll be reading the part when it comes out (no rush pls, take all the time you need, good things need their time) the fact that you plan to finish it eventually... this is yet another thing to look forward to in time. So many treats to look forward to. I don't know how things will go on a personal level but knowing there are treats on the horizon no matter how long it takes is something giving me motivation to see through them.

And the art you've shared last month has also been fun and sweet. Even if updates aren't as frequent as they used to be (which is fine and valid) they still have the same positive impact like they used to.

And while I am still not doing too great they do their part and sweeten up things. A little thing to make a difference, thank you so much!

Hope things are great on your end, that you've been able to rest and have plenty of good times! Also always remember to be hydrated and well rested!

In regards to the animatic I made for I Won’t Leave You Behind

WOW, thank you so much for such kind words, friend!! I’m really glad you appreciate it and took time to leave such a nice analysis on my animatic choices!!!

I’m especially excited to get out the parts for Ingo commanding both teams. At one point, he will essentially be pairing two Pokémon together for attacks (to ensure one can make an opening for the other) to try and get an advantage on Jörmun, while Akari is trying to find something useful. The double battle style will remind him verrrry much of someone else and their specialized battle tactics.

I’m really happy you’re looking forward to it!! I know things have slowed down a lot around here; while posting anxiety has gotten really strong, the biggest issue is that a variety of health struggles have really sapped my mental clarity, and my will to imagine anything creative lately. I am still working on a lot of projects as I do enjoy them, but the process is pretty hard and slow right now.

I oftentimes feel bad about how little I’ve posted lately, because I’ve been greatly frustrated with my delayed process — I somehow used to be way more active back when I was also juggling university!!! So it really does mean a lot to hear that you really like what I HAVE put out, and that you find them fun and sweet. Genuinely, thank you so much ^^ <3

AND LIKEWISE FRIEND!! I know things have been tough lately and I do hope things become kinder to you as soon as they can; I can see you are very strong for dealing with everything you have, and I’m happy you’re still getting through it. I hope lots of positivity and rest and relief finds you!! I am very happy to hear from you again ^^

[grieverled-moved]

𝐄𝐀𝐂𝐇 𝐈𝐍𝐇𝐀𝐋𝐄 𝐈𝐒 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐕𝐄𝐃 𝐈𝐍 𝐏𝐀𝐒𝐓 𝐒𝐇𝐀𝐊𝐘 𝐋𝐈𝐏𝐒, 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐓𝐀𝐍𝐆 𝐎𝐅 𝐖𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐓𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐒 𝐋𝐈𝐊𝐄 𝐈𝐑𝐎𝐍 𝐅𝐑𝐄𝐒𝐇 𝐎𝐍 𝐇𝐈𝐒 𝐓𝐎𝐍𝐆𝐔𝐄 𝐈𝐍 𝐀 𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐄𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐈𝐍. It takes him a moment, but with a shake of his head, he finds himself able to stand steady again, both legs lacking that strained quiver as he shakes off the last of his adrenaline. Fighting was what he was used to, but overexertion was always a pain to deal with when pushed so far.

Meeting the girl's stare, he doesn't immediately notice right away that her eyes are a differing hue, mismatched but gleaming in their honest concern. Kind, but he'd never been the trusting sort, so he brushes it off, slipping his usual mask of composure in place, peering into questioning, curious sights with a card of his hand through mussed bangs.

❝ Didn't know if you could fight or not. ❞ Squall answers. It’s gruff even in its honesty, but he’s trying. Despite more then knowing it wasn't best to judge a book by their cover, his limbs forced him to move, to react, to help & protect before the monsters had attacked first given their target's lack of a reassuring reaction. He jumped the gun & moved without thinking. She didn't seem to see them coming - in his defense, she likely wouldn't have until things were far too late. Even so . . . Sheepishness bristles along his skin at the question, prompting a sigh as he leans to the side.

( ' Or maybe I jumped to conclusions & shot my energy in the process. ' )

With a soft internal curse, he peeks back the strangers way, something vaguely apologetic flickering like candlelight behind his eyes. His next response, while still curt & to the point, is uttered with a far kinder note to it.

❝ You're okay? ❞

*INBOX CLEARING. 📨 ➤ @spiras-summoner [ ; ] ❛  are  you  protecting  me ?  ❜ //hello ^^

[shadowynn]

I honestly get that the guys are not supposed to be good guys, and there are yandere themes going on... But I do feel for joong (and the rest) in the beginning of the chapter. It won't be fair for us to judge them in the same fabric as how we would humans, no? So... Yes, they might not be the best, and this is very toxic, but I do get where and why joong is coming from. And one has to take into consideration that they are trying to give mc space, so yeah, they do skirt the line but ig that's that. Wooyoung on the other hand... Yeah again, I get why he wants to access her memories, but that's something that definitely crosses that line so I'm actually glad the others were against it 🥰🥰

OoOoO, who's acting after so many years? Seems like they have history with ot8~ I agree with mc, they don't seem to be human oop— I get that mc is... Scarred and has had history that makes her not trust them... But I do kind of find it unfair that she's like "who's the real them?" I mean, not everything has to be black and white right? They can be both, the bloodthirsty daemons on the battlefield and the way they are in front of mc. It's not like they wanted the war anyways, it was the humans who did not agree to peace in the first place.

Oop— we're seeing HJ's mother soon aren't we? I'm kind of excited for the ✨spice✨ that she'll bring to the story hehehe (*cough*k-hotchillipeppers*cough) honestly though, I wish mc was kinder to herself T^T I FEEL BAD FOR HER ASDFGHJKL... Loved the chapter as usual, especially the little moment mc had with Jongho hehe~ 🥺🥺🥺🥺

(*peeps from behind the wall and waves before returning to the abyss of assignments* ~Sky)

ajfkl;jdal;kfjdl;kajflk;jda

you have no idea how excited i am right now. literally made my entire weekend hearing from you!! i hope life has been easing up on you and your assignments haven't been treating you too badly. literally sending all my love and all the motivation i can summon your way!! you've got this!! <333

i am right there with you with feeling for the guys. whenever i first started this piece, i didn't have their backstory fully fleshed out yet, so while, hongjoong's father was always going to be a terrible person, his effect on the others wasn't something i had thought of until i was writing chapter eight. and now, man, i have such a soft spot for them, like legit, i couldn't complete that chapter without joong getting a hug at the end.

as for the attackers, well... they're actually characters i also didn't plan on in the beginning, but an idea that came later that i'm actually really excited about and something that i feel is going to be really fun writing. i love the main character i have planned and am excited to delve more into it all here later on. (i have such a hard time keeping things i'm excited for secret, so you have no idea literally how much i just want to gush/talk ideas with you and others. but i will stay strong, no matter how hard it can be at times)

i really like you're take on mc. one thing that i've been trying is to make sure mc also has their own faults because sometimes i'm really bad at making my characters too mary sue. as much as i want them to be perfect, i know they can't be and having faults in a character makes them them. mc may be a kind person at heart, but despite all she's done for the daemons, she still harbors prejudice against them because of her upbringing and the daemons in front of her are so different than everything she's had engrained into her her whole life, she struggles to make sense of it all. just as the humans have made her feel less than human, she also has a lesser view on the daemons, so seeing them as real, complicated people just like her is almost strange and she can't help but feel like it's all an act based on her upbringing and past. ( and yes, both sides tell a very different story as to how the war actually began and why it continued on (always blaming the other). both leaders on both sides (talking joong's father here) lied to their people about it. so, while the guys might now the true history of it, mc doesn't and it certainly plays into her feelings/thoughts about them.

and, you have no idea how excited i am for joong's mother. originally she was going to be dead and seoyun was going to be the one adding *spice* but then i had a better idea for seoyun and kind of gave her original personality to his mother and i think it'll be really fun to delve into it.

as always, thank you so much for your wonderful thoughts and feedback. i always love reading and discussing it all with you. once again, wishing you all the luck on your future endeavors! <33

[illustratelaw]

At some point, I hit a wall. I didn't mean or plan to - but I took a break. I started playing video games again and just trying to get as much dopamine as possible. This felt like such a backwards step and I was beyond disappointed in myself. I'm so hard headed and stubborn at times! But, at the time - when you're in it, you can't see a way out, and the frustration and negativity just seeps in - it's an old evolutionary response and survival mechanism that us humans just can't seem to shake off, even in the modern world when it no longer really serves us. I felt particularly bad playing video games again - as this was something that Angel had shared with us - he used to play video games too - but gave up and then was massively successful with his art - this was so inspiring for me! And at that time, I began to see anything that wasn't drawing as a waste of time (this reminds me of the time I thought that if I wasn't doing something to make money - or creating something that I could eventually monetize - then it was a waste of time? Such a toxic mindset and not at all a balanced way to live - Hussle and grind culture really do be fucking us neurodivergent up!) I info dumped how I was feeling into the "mindset" channel of the discord and then just RAGE quit. Eventually - after around a 2-4 weeks - my curiosity got the better of me and I checked the discord... Sammie - another neuro-spicy individual like myself, from America - had read my message and taken the time to write a lovely reply to me, and had offered to be a sort of study buddy for me as she was a few lessons ahead. <3 Her message was JUST the thing I needed. It really perked me up and gave me hope!!! After speaking to a few other people in the separate study buddies discord, I learnt that not everyone was following the course to a T as I was attempting to do. (I'm sure this comes from some sort of childhood trauma of not wanting to get into trouble!) Once I learned that, actually - I could just go through the whole course, download everything - and then, take a sneak peak at the next lesson, lesson two? THAT CHANGED THINGS!!! It might be that I have a little bit of the 'tism - and seeing / hearing - WHY we were doing things, helped to really solidify the things being taught into my brain. I started to see the lay ins differently - I could now envision what the lesson 2 lay in would look like over the top of the lesson 1 lay in - and I understood what the initial guidelines where there for! Admittedly this is kind of a backwards way of approaching things but, as someone who's neurodivergent and struggles with learning difficulties - I should have been kinder to myself. No one told me that this was okay until now, turns out I just needed permission from someone else to experiment. And MAN, what a massive difference it made for my mental health! Now - I was starting to have fun again, the studies didn't feel like a chore or homework and - just for fun - I'd practice turning my lesson 1 studies into lesson 2 studies. This motivated me to get the lesson 1 study 100% right and just levelled up the end result? I can't quite explain it but - it worked for me.

[lcnelyday]

suvi,

i never thought i would hear from you again. none of us did. part of me feels silly asking why i was the one you chose to reach out to. obviously it wouldn't be mum, but if someone told me that we would all hear from you again, i would assume it would be kasper. he hurt you the least. i suppose the twin thing never really goes away though, does it?

it's hard to admit but i have thought of you many times in the last ten years. you were impossible to find until you weren't. and now you're impossible to ignore. my daughter alora reads your comics. she is very excited for this show of yours coming out, as is my wife. i am really proud of the fact that you stuck to your guns. i would love to have seen the look on mum's face when she heard the news about your show.

i suppose it's more polite if i tell you how i've been, since you were so kind to offer your own little update. i got married pretty quickly after you left, found the love of my life, sarah. we have two kids, alora and henrik. alora is an artist, which is appropriate since she was named after you. sarah got me into therapy when she was pregnant with alora, which helped me sort through and try to understand what kind of childhood we had been given. apparently, it was abusive and not normal. when sarah got pregnant with henrik, we decided to follow in your footsteps, cutting ties with mum and kasper. i hear they are both doing well, as well as you can living in a haunted house. kasper still sends me an email update every six months or so. i don't reply.

i was awful to you. i know that, and i don't even want to apologize in a letter. it won't count the same as if i told you in person. it's unforgivable, and i know we were both traumatized and manipulated, but you never seemed to let it touch you, and i was always so mad about that. envious i suppose. you deserved more, you deserved the brother who grew up alongside you. i know you never would have done that to me, had the roles been reversed. i am sorry we wouldn't let you come to dad's funeral. i'll never let you forgive me for that one, so don't even think about it. i know you well enough to have justified that move a million ways in your head. i saved some of his ashes for you, but i think it's illegal to mail human remains so.

i hope this guy landon is as good as you said he was. i can't believe you are engaged. and with a baby on the way. i cried the moment i read about it. it sounds like you found someone who really loves you, who really brings you peace. i am sorry we could never do that for you. i won't be like her, you know that right? you'll never be like her. that was why she hated you so much. you never reacted how she would have, and that scared the ever living shit out of her.

i don't want to overwhelm you, but if you ever want to meet up again, sarah and i are more than interested. we'll come to you, or you can come to us. or we can meet somewhere in the middle. i don't know. i've added a couple of pictures of the kids, i am so sorry you missed so much of their lives already. alora is nearly eleven. i know your comics aren't geared to her age, but she really is just like you. looks like you even. and henrik, fuck, he is just like kasper. i wonder how i ended up with two kids and neither of them are like me at all. henrik is eight, and he's a good fucking kid. smarter than all get out and kinder even still.

you're going to love sarah. you'd probably steal her from me if you had been around. she has a theory about the detective in your comics, the one that is being turned into a show. she thinks that he is based on landon, but i said that landon isn't a detective. and she laughed at me. actually laughed at me. said that kassandra nilsson (nice by the way, i appreciate it) was in love with the detective long before they got together in the comics, which is her guess for you and landon. even if it is true, can you lie and say it's not so i am not horribly embarrassed that my wife knows more about my sister than i do?

i really have missed you, vi. i can't even begin to explain how much i have grieved our relationship. i hope to hear from you again soon. i've also added my phone number, if you'd like to call and talk to the kids. alora has an instagram account, she is only allowed to share art, but she asked that i pass on her username, she follows you. i love you, suvi.

all my love, nilsson (@wynterlanding)

[garoujo]

I...I-I think I'm just gonna go bury myself into a hole now. G-Gosh dang it, where the heck is that shovel dammit??? Frigging crumbs I was just wanting to give you kindness that you deserve and now my heart is now a pile of mush. B-But I'm glad it made you laugh. ^~^ And thank you for your kind words as well. You're very sweet. ^/^ I will keep that in mind, and it has, well recently, here's hoping it stays that way. Although, If the world doesn't start being kinder to you, a cactus will be going up it's butt. Does the world have a butt?? I have no frigging clue but I will find a way.

Um..I hope this doesn't come off as self indulgent, but I'm actually a writer myself, I just haven't posted anything in a while until very recently because of, well, personal reasons, I'm trying to get back into it though. My most recent one was something for Al-Haitham, but it was only a drabble. I-I'm worried that my long absence may have killed my audience though... Actually now that I think about it there's still several things I gotta do on my blog like the navigation and about me thing. ^~^;;;; I just..Don't know how to frigging do it. x_x Every time I try to do it, it comes out look like garbage.

^~^;; Sorry I didn't mean to go on. I am not cute, though. That's you not me. -/////-

hehehe well u deserve all of the kindness right back because u r soooo super sweet (*ฅ́˘ฅ̀*) plz don’t bury !!! i’ll dig u back out now !!! we will find the worlds butt 2gether yes !!! + then we can deal w it as u see fit ^_^ but fank yew again 4 being so lovely i rly appreciate it ur such a sweetheart + so super adorable omigooosh <3 i’m sure ur absence won’t have killed ur audience !!! esp once they’re seeing u back in tags etc [esp w alhaitham yum] they’ll come right back i’m super sure of it !!! good luck w ur nav + about me tho !!! if u need any help i can try my best <3 but yes !!! ur super cute !!!

[anewdawnwithoutfear]

The Rise of an Emperor (Professor's Past) Day 3

[1799]

The sitting room Isaac is in is decidedly not the one he was last seen in, he looks to be slightly older. The adult cutting his hair is also neither Laurens nor Henrika. He looks a bit anxious about the ordeal.

“It’s okay, Isaac, soon.” His grandfather soothes him, “thank you for not squirming.”

Oh, hello there! Isaac and grandfather, I presume? Do you remember us, Isaac?

Isaac looks up, running a hand through his freshly cut hair, “yes!”

His grandfather sighs, “Laurens mentioned you once. Be gentle with him, is all I ask.”

Gentle..? Why would we not be?

“I am sure you will be,” he looks down, “Isaac, can you go play with your grandmother?” He waits until the child has left the room to continue, “I apologize. I am worried about him, he’s been taking to living here okay, but his parents weren’t the kindest before leaving him here. It’s not a great situation.”

Oh.. I'm sorry, why did they leave him with you both?

He shrugs, “Something about him not being a good influence for the baby they’re expecting. I’m sure Isaac could tell you more, but, I don’t know if asking him is kind.”

Ah, I see.. He seems like a perfectly sweet boy, so I don't understand why they would think that

“The word "ungrateful” was thrown around a little, but it’s hard to say.“

Things were a bit... tense when we were there last. Even though he was so small, they already seemed dissatisfied with him. It's impossible for a kid not to notice that and start... perhaps speaking or behaving accordingly?

The man nods, “that must have been a couple years ago, unless Laurens didn’t tell of other instances. Well, he’s a fairly perceptive child, but he’s never seemed ungrateful to us. I really don’t know. They certainly seemed happy until they weren’t.”

Well, I'm glad you're kinder to the boy. The circumstances are really unfortunate :<

“We learned from our mistakes with our kids, it’s all we can do for him.”

Isaac comes running out into the living room, grandmother right behind him, when he stops, and looks where the voice is coming from, “Mister big voice? Can you tell mama and papa it’s okay if they don’t ever want to be sad?” He then starts running again before his grandfather scoops him up.

What do you mean by that, little guy?

Isaac is squirming in his grandfather’s arms, not in distress but playfully. “I mean…I asked them if they ever felt sad, because I never saw it, and they didn’t like me anymore after that, I don’t think. I thought it was weird they were never sad, but I think they thought I was calling them weird?”

His grandfather glances at his wife anxiously and sets Isaac down gently, making hand motions at the voice to try to signal caution be used.

Oh, hm... I don't think you said anything wrong back then, buddy

Isaac ponders this for a moment, “I think you’re not correct, mister.”

“Isaac…”

“Sorry.”

That's okay; it's just my opinion! I just think it's okay if people are sad sometimes. It's normal to get sad

“Yes, but it’s also okay to not want to!”

I'm not so sure... I don't want to upset you though or argue; I'm a guest, after all

Isaac bounces on his feet, “I gotta be considerate to you then!”

Isaac bounces in his seat waiting for his grandparents to finish eating the same dinner that he practically inhaled so he can ask a question he just thought of.

“You can get up, Isaac.”

“Oh!”

He gets up and rushes over to The Voice, “You said I make friends later? What are they like?”

Oh! A lot of them are smart, studious people, like you! Others are tough and strong. They have big ideas about helping the world. You'll be friends with some of them for a while, but then there will eventually be disagreements about the best way to help the world, and you'll leave some of them behind, but it's okay, because friends come and go, and you meet new people to be friends with

He taps his chin, “They like me? They get along?”

Hah, I've probably given away too much already! You'll have to find out yourself; it's dangerous to tell people about the future

Isaac looks slightly disappointed, “oh…I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be dangerous…”

It's okay, no harm done!

“Oh okay! I hope I make friends soon, though.”

Isaac! Have you talked to any deities yet?

He blinks, “deities? Like in the books? I don’t think I have. I think…I think that might fix things. How do I?”

Isaac frowns, “I don’t want to go to sleep…”

Isaac is carried to his room by his very tired grandfather.

You set up a small altar and then pray!

“I’ll let him know in the morning. Thank you for talking to him.”

[junepsycho]

do i kill myself to move forward? is the death of my past self the only way to live and move on? i don't want to. i don't want to do anything. i want to be a rock. i want to exist without any consequences. let me be a grain of sand. i hate it. i hate it all. i hate the ugliness and the beauty. i hate the things and the people. all of it. why do I have to love if it's gonna hurt? why do I have to speak if I'm gonna be shut up? i hate everything. living is just pure pain. all kinds of it. physical hurt, emotional pain, headaches, stomachaches, heartaches. every moment of bliss is just that. a moment. then it's gone. never to be seen again. let me die a painless death. let the world be rid of pessimistic ol' me and progress ahead. fuck everything and everyone. it all sucks. fuck me too. the world is shit. i am the world. fuck you too. fuck our feelings. they don't mean shit. nothing makes sense. one man. one fucking man. he's gone and it ruins the lives of so many. i wish i had no connection to anyone. when i die, i die nameless, in peace. no one mourns for me. no one sheds tears over a stupid boy. one man is all it took for me to turn like this. do i write both sides of the story?

his death gave birth to the most contradicting boy ever seen. he hated everything and everyone on the inside, but always helped when someone needed a hand. so kind, so fragile, so raw. he takes words as they come and nothing more. he gets hurt so so so easily. his heart aches for every little thing. imagine loving someone with that aching heart. he grew up around women and girls, but the world expected him to be a man. the only other man in his life didn't like him. hurt people hurt people. he had so much potential, dare i say he still has it. he gives up easily. very easily. his self-worth, confidence, esteem, all of it, thrown out of the window when he was 6. always second place. always the loser. conditioned himself to think nothing was meant for him. god had forsaken him since his birth. cruel cruel god who gives a baby such a shitty mindset. i wanna die. get it over with. no i don't. there's so much i haven't seen yet. he's lazy. always procrastinating. i don't know anymore. words blah blah blah blah blah. mr complains-a-lot whose life isn't bad at all rn, but it used to be and in some strange way, he conditioned himself into thinking a bad life is all he deserves. whose gonna read all of this lol? no way you're actually reading a sad boy trash post on Tumblr. right? other than her, no one else would be able to find this long post.

her. ughh. life was so fucking ughhh and tears and loneliness before she came in. then she comes in with her stupid smile and her stupid eyes and her stupid kind words and her stupid lovely fingers and her stupid personality. out of nowhere btw. when you first waved at me, i thought your blue hair was stupid. funny how your hair's the most beautiful thing i can think of now. you came into my life a sports car. i never realised when you ran me over with your words. i became your friend because you were a girl, and girls were always kinder friends to me then guys. you pushed your way into my life. i didn't realise until later that i was pulling you in too. it's all a hazy memory. when i think of you, i think of your fingers in mine, on that park bench, in february. i was never obsessed with you from the start. it grew over time. like a forest. genuinely, you get prettier day by day. she's my saving grace. the only reason i haven't ruined my life yet. the reason i keep trying and trying and trying to be better. i change myself so much. yet I'm still too flawed to be deserving of her love. when i look at myself, all i see is a broken boy. what does she see? all my ugly emotions, what does she think about them? she isn't mine. i have to get that through my head first. she's not yours. she belongs to her family, her friends, her oh so close friends, to her books and her music and her interests, to herself, and not to you. you're just a resting place she can come to anytime she wants. you're a refreshing sip of water in her marathon. nothing more. and it'll end. whatever little part of her that you think is yours will go too. either by death or by choice. all you have is me. june.

time waits for no one. we'll be the tides of the ocean and the tree roots in no time. just a few hundred million years. I'll get to be nothing. a rock. Stardust.

i will start learning classical piano. to forgive myself. for my death and my rebirth. to realise that the first paragraph is just thoughts in my head. they don't mean nothing. that i can be better. be better. better. be better be better be better be better be better better be better betty bought a bit of butter but the butter was bitter so betty bought some better butter to make the bitter butter better. be fucking better moon.

[twilightcitysky]

So you're Aziraphale, angel of the Eastern Gate, lately angel of an antique bookshop in Soho, even more lately exile of Heaven, and it doesn't seem like you've ever gotten anything right. You thought you knew what Truth was because it was written down, but when it comes to living with that Truth you find that you can't; you can't allow Heaven OR Hell to hurt people like that. Your reliable black and white turns to shades of grey, over and over again until you've lost everything you ever believed in-- except Crowley.

Crowley crept up on your heart; you hardly noticed until he handed you a valise of books in the ruins of a church, but from that moment on he became your anchor. It scares you, because he's supposed to be everything you stand against, but you figured out a long time ago that he's kinder than Hell, more merciful than Heaven, and better by far than either of them. It scares you more because your association puts him in terrible danger. You get notes when Heaven is upset with you, but he gets the kind of correction you successfully keep yourself from thinking about until you take his place in Hell and see what they do to their own kind, just for fun.

After that, you think: never again. You don't know much for certain anymore, but you swear on everything you are that he'll never go back to Hell.

At first, it seems like you've gotten away with it. You're spending time together, and he's taking off his glasses more, and you call him every day and he comes... maybe he's still a little distant, a little tense, but that's to be expected and you're getting there. Baby steps, you tell yourself. After all, he waited for you. You want him to feel safe. You need him to be safe.

Then suddenly he's talking to a demon. He moves his plants into his car and won't say why, claims it's a new gardening technique but you think he's lying. Gabriel shows up, and you start to realize you've been living in a fantasy world-- Heaven and Hell won't leave you alone. There's no escape from them, and they will never stop. The bookshop doesn't keep you safe. The Bentley doesn't keep you safe. It seems like demons are everywhere, and you're so frightened; you've never been brave. (Oh, you do what you have to do when you're back's against the wall but that's different; you've been terrified every time.)

Demons kill one of your human acquaintances, a shopkeeper whose only crime was attending the party you threw (because you thought some romantic dancing would finally make Crowley see what you've been trying to tell him for four years now. Selfish. Stupid. Another thing you got wrong). You've put the humans in danger, you've put Crowley in danger, and there's nowhere to hide. There are angels and demons in your home, threatening your very existence.

You realize it's hopeless, that you'll only get a little more time, and you look at Crowley because no matter what happens, no matter how soon they take everything from you, you need him to know that you love him. You have to tell him now.

But then-- in walks Metatron. He effectively declaws the angels, and he offers you a sweet drink, and maybe he's not such a bad guy after all. He offers you safety-- but not just for you. He says you can keep Crowley safe too. If you're both angels again, and you're in charge, nobody can hurt you. More importantly, nobody can hurt Crowley. He'll never have to go back to Hell. You'll never be parted again.

Of course it's not exactly what you wanted, but... shades of grey, right? Crowley taught you that. Sometimes you have to compromise. And it doesn't matter, really, if Crowley's an angel or a demon; there's really no difference between your kind and his (Crowley taught you that, too).

You're so excited to tell him. You can finally be together. You can protect the humans, help the world grow and flourish, and have the power to change Heaven for the better. Okay, it means losing the bookshop, but that's just... things. You'd give it all up for the chance to be with Crowley forever.

He says no.

He doesn't want to go with you. He doesn't trust you to make a plan that will help you both. He's so angry. But then he says he wants to run away together, and you have a flash of hope: he gets it, now, finally. "Come with me!" you say.

He puts his glasses on. Tells you, "Good luck."

But... "I need you!" You're actually begging. Please Crowley. All I've ever wanted was to protect you. And protect this Earth.

He throws it back in your face. You've spent so many years thinking about how to keep Heaven and Hell from destroying you, and finally you have a chance, and he says... he says he understands better than you do.

Fine, then.

You start to cry. You'll have to go alone; you can't stay here and continue to put him in danger. It's what you've always done when it seems that Hell is closing in on him-- you distance yourself to save him. It's the only thing you can do now.

He kisses you. It's full of rage and hurt and bitterness. You can taste salt on his lips. And it scares you, how much you want it anyway. You've wanted it since 1941, after all.

But.

You've imagined this a thousand times, and each time it was soft. It was the start of something, not the end.

You want to tell him you love him, but what does it matter now? So you say the only thing you can say: "I forgive you".

I forgive you for taking the chance to be an "us" away.

so you're anthony j. crowley, long-time exile from heaven and recent exile from hell, and you've finally figured out that the mess of overwhelming and infuriating and intoxicating feelings you've been harboring for the only being in the universe you've ever been able to rely on might, whoopsies, be something a little bit like love. but not love the way you remember heaven loved you, or the way they told you god loved you (they lied), but love like the humans do it: messy, and awkward, and incongruously infinite, and so, so fragile.

and, well. okay, you think. this'll be horrible. embarrassing for both of us, probably. but i'll tell him. you've never been a coward, no matter what the other demons might say. screw your courage to the sticking place, or whatever. macbeth. aziraphale loved that one.

so you talk yourself into it, you gather every scrap of courage and honesty you've got left, and you say, all right, angel, i've got something to say, only aziraphale's got something to say, too, and--

aziraphale doesn't love you back.

or. he does, but he loves the ghost of the angel you used to be, not the person you've made yourself since. he loves you, but he loves you like god did--loves you good, and quiet, and dull. he loves you without your grief, or your anger, without even that first bite of the apple. he wants you like that again, he says. defanged, like the Antichrist's domesticated hellhound.

(you worked for hell for a long time, and for god for a long time before that. you're intimately familiar with what it is to offer someone everything they've ever wanted, and then to twist it, to mutilate it, into an unrecognizable hell of their own choosing. you're not sure why it surprises you anymore. you're not sure why you keep letting the surprises hurt.)

and so you do the thing you've done since the beginning, because you've never been able to stop yourself: you push. you push hard, and you grab him, and he's so angry and you kiss him and you don't think about it, don't think about it, this is the most important temptation of your life, the only one that's ever mattered--

and he forgives you.

so you leave. at least that way you can do it before he does. you've always been a step ahead and to the left; stupid to think this would ever be different. stupid to think he might choose you, with all of heaven and earth spread out in front of him. nothing lasts forever, not even the stars.

he told you that a long time ago.