#truth to be told its tough to give advice on how to start drawing

[hallous]

hi!! so i dont have a commission for you, but i do have a question if thats okay! i think your art is absolutely gorgeous, and i love your style and how pleasing it is to look at with how you use lines and colors. i really do love how you draw and sketch and i was hoping you could give me some advice. i really want to start getting into art, but i just have no idea how. i have a little sketchbook with some pens that a friend gave me, but when i sit down and try to actually do anything, i just have no idea how. i dont know how to start, where to start, or even how to begin the process, ya know? ive never actually drawn or sketched anything before, so its all completely new to me. do you have any tips that you think are good for beginners to learn? or anything you did when you first started out that helped you? if youre too busy to answer any of this, thats absolutely fine! i just wanted to ask because of how much i admire your skills, so i figured i should just take the risk. i hope youre having a really wonderful week, and thank you for taking the time to read this behemoth of an ask lol

oh hello! first of all, thank you so much!

secondly! i don't remember exactly how i started to draw. my mom often tells me i used to do it since very little, but don't really have any memories of it ahah.

that aside! i remember getting into anime and how i liked the pretty pictures i saw! i used to try to copy styles i enjoyed, mainly card captor sakura and inuyasha. even so, whenever i tried to draw something of my own it wouldn't look how i wanted, but i was stubborn about it and kept going.

drawing is magical but also tortuous in a way? it takes a while to get good at it and it's often a bumpy ride. so after all that, what i can tell you on how to start is just: pick up a drawing, an anime or manga panel you like and try drawing the eye maybe? or just a floating head, something like that 😊 experiment with how drawing with a pencil feels, how the drawing with a pen feels! how to add color with the tools you have.

most of all, have fun drawing and trying different things! it doesn't have to be perfect specially because drawing is something that keeps on evolving as a skill the more you do it.

i hope this helps in some way 💕

[korozsagau]

Mona finds the truth in the stars (Sagau)

Its Mona’s job to track the position of the stars and see the future. As far as she knew, her predictions could never be wrong. There was some sort of system in place that controlled everyone’s destiny. And she was okay with that. After all, if someone was in control, it might as well be God, right? Surely he has a well-thought out plan that will validate everyone’s existence. Surely. Mona was confident in her understanding of the world, until she met you.

Unlike everyone and everything else in existence, this traveler was not bound to the stars. When the stars would say they would turn right, they would always turn left. Or up. Or down. Really, any direction other than what the stars said. This has baffled Mona, someone that has always believed in her understanding of the world. But, if the stars were wrong about this traveler, what else were they wrong about? She had to know.

Luckily, it wasn’t that tough to get in contact with the traveler. They seemed to be just as interested in Mona as Mona was with them, calling her things like, ‘super rare’ and ‘one of their only 5 stars.’ Mona didn’t understand what that meant at the time, and she asked the traveler about how they can avoid the fate of the stars.

The traveler suddenly looked a little more pale, and wouldn’t give any more information beyond that they were from another world. When she tried to press for more information, the traveler simply told her to ‘look beyond the stars.’ Beyond the stars? Mona had never even considered there was anything beyond the star. As she was leaving to ponder the traveler’s advice, the traveler quickly ran to her, out of breath, and begged her to forget the whole thing. They said they made a huge mistake, and there are some things that aren’t worth knowing, but that only made Mona even more curious.

When Mona was back to studying the stars, she trie to do as the traveler suggested and look past them. However, all she could see was a black void. It frightened her, but something kept drawing her back. Something beyond her understanding.

Eventually, after about a week of staring contests with the black void, Mona could finally make out a square shape. After an hour of studying this shape, she could suddenly see a person in full-color! Or at least...what she thought was a person? Their eyes were too small, fingernails were pink instead of the color of their skin, and strange...dots a fine hairs covering their body. They looked...so detailed. Mona was starting to feel like a pale imitation of this creature. Was this God?

It didn’t seem like the being could notice her, but as she studied the room surrounding the creature, she began to see that the being wasn’t in a box; she was. With this knowledge, she able to control the box in some way. It was through this she learned that she was inside a computer, and the world of Teyvat was merely a game meant to be played by ‘real’ humans, and she wasn’t one of them. She was a product made to sell this world to people, and given the computer’s hidden photos of her, she figured she was doing her job. Mona was petrified. Everything about her, down to even her appearance, was specifically designed by humans to make money. After many failed escape attempts, Mona could only sit back and watch as people slowly became less interested in her silly, fake world until it was eventually shut off.

[anntoldst0ries]

shinrin-yoku (Ethan x MC)

Book: Open Heart Pairing: Dr Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Dr Noelle Valentine) Word Count/Rating: ~1.7k, PG Summary: When life's difficulties hit, Noelle navigates her way through them by turning to the nature. Category: Hurt & Comfort Warnings: mentions of trauma

A/N: May is a Mental Health Awareness month and here in the UK the theme is nature. My MC, just like me, runs to the woods when things get tough. It helps her clear her head and reconnect with inner strength.

I struggle with mental health myself and it’s important for me to speak up and address the subject. There is nothing worse than shaming or discrediting someone’s difficult feelings. It’s fine not to be fine.

If you struggle alone, please don’t. My inbox will welcome you with open arms. Two heads are better than one, even if we just complain, at least we can complain together 💜

For @choicesmaychallenge2021 Day 13 - Mental Health

SHINRIN-YOKU - A Japanese term for ‘forest bathing’ or the sense of well-being you experience while in nature.

~~

It all starts with a seed. This tiny element which, without aid, is sentenced to certain death. But give it the right soil. Give it water, sun. And it can grow. Into something big. Powerful. Scary.

~~

She is five years old.

They live in a townhouse, a classy Victorian era building. Undistinguished, one of many merging into the background of a typical London street. The colors are also very standard,  dirty white married to ivory beige, bar for the deep green door - their rebel child.

For the random passerby, it’s nothing special. But for her, the walls of a storey house encapsulate the whole world.

The garden behind the house is neat and clean, visibly well taken care of. She doesn’t remember exact details anymore, but she remembers begging her parents to go camping in the garden with her brother. The ticklish feeling of long and slim blades of grass on her tiny feet. Looking at the stars with pure awe and delight, that only the unspoiled mind of a child is capable of.

The plot of land that the house has been built on borders a beautiful forest. A wooden fence separates the two.

To her, it’s a passage to a magical world.

A world without any particular order, living its own life, unconstricted by rules. Not in the slightest does it resemble the garden on her side of the fence, where things grow according to the rules laid out by the adults.

There is a feeling inside her that she’s too young to name, to throw it in lingual context. It’s not until years later that she realized what it had been. Freedom. To grow however you please. To be what you want to be.

Robust, effuse trees tower over her, making her feel so small. As if she hasn’t already been feeling small enough, living in a world full of giants.

But they mean something else too. They bring a secret and a promise. Promise of a bigger world out there, far from the confines of the place she calls home.

The forest draws her, singing a melody that only her heart can understand. One day, she will be a part of it.

~~

She lives the teenage dream life.

That’s what everyone says.

She doesn’t have any real problems. She’s lucky not having to worry about money. She’s got friends. Her family is great. She just needs to stop whining. Her life is perfect.

Their words, not hers.

None of them know what happens behind closed doors.

The childhood forest is a cloudy memory. Her home is now thousands of miles away, in a city with a giant red bridge, which for some bizarre reason has ‘golden’ in its name.

But the call from nature doesn’t care about distance. It can find you about anywhere. It’s different and yet the same.

Because nature beats in one rhythm and speaks in the same language, everywhere.

The morning is chilly and humid. She’s wearing a wooly coat, carelessly threw on a pair of PJs hiding underneath.

Her steps are brisk, breathing short and heartbeat elevated. Something’s bothering her blanched face.

The voice, again.

When it first appeared, she thought it had her best interest at heart. Used to give her advice and like a good friend, ream her out when she did something bad.

Over time, things took a turn for the worse.

Snarky comments. Casually mentioned wrongdoings. Feedback on what she could have done better, differently.

Noelle hoped the voice would go away on its own.

It hasn’t.

Not only did the voice not go away, but it was actually growing stronger with each passing day. Became more vocal. Judgmental. Openly hostile.

It fed on her fears.

It’s your fault - it told her - that your parents are getting divorced.

You are not good enough.

Even a lie, repeated enough times, will finally become the truth. And so it did for her, to the point where she couldn’t distinguish her own voice from the voice of the tormentor. Sounds faded into one.

Whoever said words can cut like a knife was right. But those who knew thoughts could leave scars that are much deeper, were truly wise.

The young, beautiful girl who never hurt a soul, became a hostage. A prisoner locked in the jail of her own head.

A giant tear rolled down her face. Made of all the words her heart couldn’t say.

She hugged the tree tightly and inhaled the woodsy aroma, the scent filling her lungs fully.

It’s sensuous.

Just like that, she is small again.

~

She’s got all that she ever wanted.

Degree from one of the best medical schools. Graduating with honors and glowing recommendations from even the strictest professors, who kept assuring her that her future in medicine is so bright it’s actually blinding. Then, a dreamy residency in one of the most prestigious hospitals in the country.

Pretty impressive, right? Even a fool could see that. But the only fool whose opinion she cared about, couldn’t. All these things were clearly not good enough for Ethan Ramsey to stay.

She wasn’t good enough for him to stay.

Not longer than a year ago he was just a concept, an ideal without a face, body and voice. To her, he was a celebrity, a hero, someone whom mortals don’t have access to.

It was preposterous to consider for even a second Dr Ramsey could actually see something in an intern.

Standing among the moss-covered trees, every fiber of her being was filled with the thought of him.

Did the Amazonian forest remind him of her, just like every forest around reminded her of him?

Just when she won the battle for her career, she lost another. Because life had to be a zero-sum game.

As painful as that would have been, she wished she had something to hold onto. A scene she could replay in her mind. An image of him walking away. Or saying goodbye.

But he left without a word.

That was the pattern. That was history repeating itself.

She took her shoes off and stepped on the soil frosted with morning dew. It’s cold and wet. It’s refreshing. She is grounding. Reconnecting with Earth.

Tunes in with the rivers of grass, towers of trees, fences of bushes.

If the trees could speak, they’d tell stories not many people would believe in.

Tales of heartbreaks. Parables of spirits.

They are all nature’s poems.

Hauntingly beautiful. Riveting. Written without a single word.

Because nature speaks its very own language that only the soul, not the mind, can understand.

Pain is ripping her apart. But it reminds her that she’s alive. And this, in itself, is a miracle.

~~

She doesn’t know who she is anymore.

Some people call her a survivor. But it doesn’t feel like the right word. So many things in her died. So much was lost.

The attack took a lot from her. Danny. Bobby. Sense of security. Identity. Direction.

Right and wrong, good and bad, righteous and vicious. These are all just words. Someone needs to come and teach her the meaning of them anew. Draw lines, mark out frontiers. Save her from herself.

The ground is soaked. Torrential rain turned the soil into soft mud, warm and easily slipping through her fingers. She falls on her knees, praying for the ground to consume her.

Fill every part of her. Silence the internal cacophony. To sink into oblivion.

Not many people knew about the panic attacks and recurring nightmares. They’re always the same.

She’s standing in the middle of a swamp. Danny and Bobby are drowning, their arms reaching out for her. She knows she can only save one of them. She runs out of time trying to figure out how to save both. As a result, they both die. Time stands still and yet everything is spinning, moving, racing. The reality is a riot of overbright colours.

Suddenly, a ring breaks the silence. A polyphonic intruder. She looks at the screen through hooded eyes and notices the caller’s name. It’s him. He’s petrified. Worried to death. Asks her to stay where she is.

Some time later, maybe 10 minutes, maybe an hour - who knows? - he emerges from the gathering of stocky oaks.

The moment he catches the sight of her, he starts running. She notices a lab coat underneath the jacket. He’s soaking wet.

Even though he is so close, he doesn’t slow down. Crashing into her, he scoops her in his arms. Catches her in the tightest of embraces.

Asks her if she’s fine. No. Not that question again. She’s tired of people fussing over her and gets angry.

Had it not been for the attack, would he even be here? The voice asks mockingly. It doesn’t matter to her. He’s there now.

Deep baritone is gentle and full of concern. It’s not like that. It’s not his intention to fuss. He’s simply worried. Because she is the most important thing to him in the whole world. Yes, he wasted so much time. That’s why he refuses to lose even one more second.

A dam breaks within her. Eliciting a quiet sob. She clutches his shirt, holds onto him for dear life. Moments later, she’s screaming at the top of her lungs. Singing her poignant birdsong.

How is she supposed to cope? Will things ever go back to normal? What is normal anyway?

In the confines of the infamous patient room she never felt more scared in her life. But here, out in the open, she feels so safe. As if she’s had a silent agreement with nature, which vouched to protect her at all costs.

And this time, nature had an ally. Because Ethan will protect her, even if it’s the last thing he does. Holding onto each other, they stand in the nothingness.

It keeps them grounded. Connected to their roots. Turning over new leaves. Bending before they break. Growing.

They get lost. Mother Nature has a reward for those who do. They have a chance to find themselves. Over and over again.

~~~

If you made it this far - thank you & you're awesome 🥰

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[imagining-supernatural]

This Is Me

Summary: After getting into the school of your dreams, you start doubting if you really belong there. Jensen talks you through your self-doubt.

Word Count: 1989

Warnings: Self-doubt

A/N: Okay. Okay. Alright. Okay. Y’all, I LOVE The Greatest Showman. Show literally changed my life. No lie, no exaggeration. And this song? My fucking 2018 anthem!

This Is Me (Audio) -- This Is Me Greenlight Presentation (Do yourself a favor and watch this clip too!)

Flames licked the clouds, begging the sun to remain just a moment longer. Brilliant oranges and reds leapt across the shimmering, infinite ocean, reflections of all the wishes and dreams in the universe. The heartbeat of the Earth encapsulated every moment, ever pounding, and always urging life forward. The air was fresh and cold, cleansing every soul and atom. This was a night that artists everywhere struggled to capture.

It was terrifyingly beautiful.

“I thought I’d find you out here.”

I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the painting that was unfolding in front of me, courtesy of Mother Earth’s pigments and paintbrushes. Not even when a heavy blanket settled over my shoulder and Jensen sat next to me could I bear to look away. My entire existence hinged on this moment.

“I can’t do it,” my broken voice slithered onto the breeze and joined the symphony of the sunset.

Jensen sat forward, elbows on knees, and his gaze landed on me, weighing me down. “Why not?”

“I’m not good enough. I’m not—I applied on a dare. There was no expectation that I would actually get in. No pressure. I just… I know that as soon as I get there, the pressure is going to get to me and they’ll see that they made a mistake.” The evening waves drew into a crescendo and I was finally released from the trance I’d been held in. Jensen’s deep emerald irises were a stark contrast against the fire raging in the heavens. “This is just a hobby, Jay. My… my painting. Drawing. It’s just something I do for fun. There’s no way the University of Arts accepted me on purpose.”

“How much of this is them talking?”

Shame tinged my edges and I cast my eyes down.

A rockslide sounded next to me when Jensen cleared his throat and slid closer. His comfort surrounded me as he pulled half of the blanket around his shoulders. “Look, Y/N. You can’t keep letting their stupid opinions get you down. They don’t matter anymore.”

“But their opinions mattered for so long. I don’t know—” I laughed bitterly. “I don’t know who I am without them. How fucked up is that?”

His arm found its home around my shoulder and urged my body to relax into his. “You’re a people pleaser, Y/N. You have been your whole life. Even before the shit they put you through. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“There is when I can never please anyone.” Deafening blacks and greys had swept into my life for years. Everywhere I looked, colors dulled before my eyes. I’d tried pasting myself in with a new group of friends, but all they did was cut holes in my life canvas. Shadows grew much too large.

The waves swelled and ebbed, carrying away grains of sand.

“You’ve spent so long trying to get those assholes to accept you, Y/N. Too long trying to please them. You just need someone else to try and get their acceptance now.”

“Who, you?”

“You know that I’m always here for you. I’ll always love and accept you for exactly who you are. No, I’m not talking about me.” The inferno raging in the heavens caught my eye again as Jensen urged my head to his shoulder. “I’m talking about you, Y/N.”

If it was as easy as that, then there would be no suffering in this world. “I came out here to feel sorry for myself, Jay. Not get a sickeningly sweet pep-talk.”

“Well, tough shit, sweetheart. You know I ain’t like that group of loser friends you had for so long. If you don’t wanna go to that school in Europe you’ve dreamed of since we were kids because you just don’t want to, then it’s up to you. But if you aren’t going because they kept trying to make you believe you aren’t good enough, then we’re gonna have a problem.”

Much like everyone else on this planet, I had a lifetime of memories tucked away in my brain. Deep in the recesses were moving pictures of a childhood growing up next to the Ackles. Bright colors blossomed and swam around the corner of my vision as I grew up. A soundtrack of carefree laughter beckoned me towards the memories of an easy teenage life with the green-eyed boy next door. Then dark pigment spilled across the lens and harsh lines and words dashed the hopes and aspirations of a young adult, just trying to find her way in the world.

Maybe it was time to pull out my paintbrushes and repaint the last few years.

“What did I ever do to deserve someone as amazing as you in my life, Jensen?”

Wrinkles formed in the corners of his eyes, accompanying the smile that split his lips. “Probably has something to do with how awesome you are too, sweetheart.” He brushed a kiss along my lips before pulling me up. “Now I think we have a new bottle of wine to help us celebrate your acceptance to the school of your dreams.”

I’d landed three hours ago, and been wandering around the gallery for the last two, but I had yet to see Y/N. Well, actually, I caught a glimpse of her half an hour ago, laughing at something that one of the well-dressed patrons was saying. But the art show drew me in yet again and I got lost in the story of her life.

She was talented. I’d never once doubted that. Even when we were just toddlers, it was clear that she was born for this life. I always knew that she had the ability to end up here, with her very own show at the Hepworth Wakefield just a few months after graduating. I wasn’t surprised in the least.

But that didn’t stop me from being completely astounded and blown away by just how fantastic and awe-inspiring her artwork truly is. Even a single painting of hers can be emotionally overwhelming when she puts her whole soul into it. And here I was, standing in the middle of a gallery featuring dozens of her paintings. Y/N isn’t a liar, not by a long shot. But there is just something about her paintings that just slaps you with the truth. Something in her brush strokes and paint choice that you can’t ignore.

She’d painted her life story. It was as if she’d peeled back her very skin and allowed everyone a peek past her bones. There wasn’t a single stage of her life that she shied away from for this art show. Dark, dashing canvases were displayed just as prominently as bright paintings of happier years were. It seemed like just yesterday we were sitting on that beach and she was trying to withdraw into her hardened shell to hide from the world. But here we were, four years later, standing in the midst of some of her most personal moments showcased in the spotlight.

“Jensen?” Her lyrical voice drew me out of the haze that I’d fallen into.

As soon as I turned and saw her watching me with a surprised smile, I just had to pull her into a tight hug. I almost hadn’t been able to get away from Vancouver for the opening night of her show. But there was no way I was going to miss her show without a hell of a reason. And no one on set could give me one.

“I’m so fucking proud of you, sweetheart.”

“I thought you weren’t coming,” she murmured into my neck, holding on just as tightly as I was.

“You really think I’d miss my girl’s first art show?” Now that she was in my arms, there was no way I was letting her go. So I kept my arm firmly around her shoulders as I steered her towards one of her more impressionistic paintings. “I do have a question about this one though…”

The smirk and mischievous glint in her eye told me all I needed to know. “What about it?”

“It’s just that, well, I don’t know. I just feel… I recognize this one.”

She was biting back a laugh. I could feel it. But she wasn’t giving in quite that easily. “As well you should. You were there.”

“Where?”

“Where do you think? You said you recognized it.”

Oh God, she was going to make me say it, wasn’t she? “Is that when you came to visit me in Vancouver two years ago?” She bit her lip and nodded once, waiting for me to go on. “And we snuck on set after hours…” Another nod. “Because you said you wanted to know what it was like to have sex with Dean in the back of the Impala?”

Her laughter rang out unrestrained, drawing a few curious looks. “You’re blushing, Jay!” I tried sputtering an excuse, tried to blame my red cheeks on something else, but she just kept talking over me. “Don’t worry, sweetie. No one but you and me will ever know what this painting is about.”

“Yeah, what’s that title about? How Many Girls? What does that even mean?”

“How many girls can say they’ve slept with Dean Winchester in the Impala? Well, in this universe anyway.” Her fingers curled into the lapels of my jacket and she took a step closer, going up on tiptoes to whisper in my ear. “Don’t worry. That’s the only sex painting here. All of my other sex paintings are of Jensen and Y/N, and they’re back at my flat.”

That sparked my interest. And, judging by Y/N’s low chuckle, she knew it. “I’ll show you tonight. Or, you know, tomorrow after we wake up. Until then, though, let’s move on from the sex painting. What do you think about the rest of my show? Have you had time to look through it?”

“It’s fucking fantastic, Y/N. Everything you’ve captured here… all of the different emotions… I don’t know how you did it.”

Now it was her turn to blush a little. “I took the advice of a very wise man. I finally accepted myself for who I am. And you know what? That guy was right. I’m pretty damn amazing. I wanted the world to see.”

We strolled past a few paintings until I pulled her to a stop in front of a particularly dark painting. For someone who knew her as well as I did, I knew exactly which point in her life inspired this one. It was when she was running around with that crowd that kept tearing her down. This painting depicted the darkest part of her life, and she was proudly showing it off to the world.

“This show… it must’ve taken a lot of guts to put all of this out here.”

At my side, Y/N nodded. “But it’s me. That’s the title of my show: This Is Me. I’m not me without my bruises and scars. If I hadn’t included this part of my life, I wouldn’t have really been showing everyone who I truly am.” As if I couldn’t have gotten any prouder, she kept talking and my adoration just kept growing.

“Who I was back then is still who I am now. Going through that time in my life sucked, but I’m who I’m meant to be now. I’m not going to hide my struggles. I made it past them. It’s something to be proud of.”

“Damn right it is.”

I was not about to cry, just for the record. It was the jet lag catching up to me that made my eyes water and—ah hell. I wasn’t about to be embarrassed for tearing up at hearing Y/N talk like that. Clearly not ashamed of who she used to be and what she used to do. Owning up to her past and rising above it. Not being apologetic about who she was.

It was such a glorious moment.

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[spiritionary]

Divination Deck Spirit Experiences

The mods of Spiritionary as well as others we’ve spoken to have noticed spirits in many of our divination decks whether tarot or oracle. Each seems to be unique and in many cases completely sentient, and it not only varies from type of deck but deck to deck as well, each specific deck having its own spirit. It’s quite common for cartomancers (diviners who use card decks) to describe their deck’s personalities. Even doing an “interview spread” to communicate with a tarot or oracle deck itself is a standard practice for a lot of diviners when they get a new divination deck. 

Yet despite how normal it is in the world of divination to speak of deck interviews and personalities, divination is usually considered a totally separate and distinct practice from spirit work. So acknowledging that most or perhaps even all divination decks have their own spirits has important implications for the potential overlap between spirit work and cartomancy divination (if not other forms of divination as well). At the very least, divination can always be used as a tool for communicating with spirits and the relationship between cartomancy and spirit work is very strong in that sense!

Here we’ve gathered some personal stories from 14 diviners about individual tarot and oracle deck experiences collected by Mods Wind and Fire...

Idris’ Shadowscapes Tarot Deck

"My Shadowscapes Tarot deck is very sassy but not it a bad way. She tells it like it is and makes you face hard truths. With me she is always particularly harsh and throws out lots of major arcana. With others she isn't too bad, but she still is blunt in her messages. She cuts to the chase." - Idris, @crystalwitch-in-the-tardis

Periwinkle’s Hawaiian Mana Card Oracle Deck

"I have a Hawaiian Mana Card Oracle deck and every time I use it, it feels as if I'm consulting a wise grandmother ancestor figure because she's very perceptive to everything (especially BS), and will give it to you straight, but with the utmost love and respect. She only wants the best for the readee, so any hard-to-swallow words are immediately followed by words of compassion and love for your true, vulnerable self." - Periwinkle, @destinylightreadings

Siris’ Chrysalis Tarot and House of Night Oracle Deck

"I have two decks I mainly use: Chrysalis Tarot and House of Night Oracle. The Chrysalis Tarot is very happy self-help yet doesn’t exactly explore the downsides. It’s more good advice and what you can do to address a problem so very practical. Comes off like a school guidance counselor. House of Night has more a motherly tone. Where it looks out for you yet win tough love. Likes to tell you the good and bad of a problem and give their opinion of how to proceed yet it’s ultimately up to you." - Siris, @path-of-stars

Subterranean Roses’ Steampunk Tarot Deck

"My steampunk tarot appears as a young woman in steampunk garb. She's actually fairly nice, like a supportive friend who sometimes is blunt because you need to hear it but not really in a sassy way. I'm pretty sure the spirit looks like one of the characters on the cards, but I haven't figured out which." - @subterraneanroses

Kuro’s Tarot Deck

“Mine can be sarcastic, and is usually pretty straight forward. I do have to store it with a little salt, because I have had problems with it being possessed in the past.” - Kuro, @ladykuro

Lala’s Oracle Deck

“My oracle deck. I love it to pieces. I didn't pick out my self but I did buy it. It is very good telling when to stop shuffling. Like it would be very hard to shuffle if  I need to stop. It is very guiding and accurate. It tells advice in a practical and loving way. I didn't pick it. Someone else did. But it has this very distinct smell that no matters what doesn't go away. I am big on smells. It just feels like home. And comfortable. And just everything I need.” - Lala, @ursalala 

Titan’s Tarot Deck

“My deck is pretty call out and harsh, but always has this little gentle, motherly tone. Like "Face your problems and get your life together omg but it'll be okay bb." It's stern but kind. I also conceptualize my deck as female.” - Titan, @a-spoonful-of-magic

Ismerila’s Tarot Deck

"For some reason, my deck reacts differently for me when around other people, and I really, really believe that it's trying to help me. Like with my nana, we shared doing readings together and it really laid out what she's going through and what she needs to do to change her life for the better, and when it got to me, the cards kept saying, ''Hey. I know you feel miserable.'' And the more cards that I drew that said ''you feel down.'' the more nana was like, ''uh.... u good?'' When I'm alone it offers advice, but when I'm around my family it's like ''HEY PAY ATTENTION LOOK SHE FEELS BAD HELP HER GENIUS.'' - Ismerila, @natasatcha

Amy’s Tarot Deck

“I've had my deck for almost three years... I truly believe my deck and I have a strong connection. Actually the first time I really connected with my deck I was going through a really hard time and it's like she (for some reason my deck really feels like a female presence) laid it all out for me and that's when I really started to get close to my deck. When I'm feeling confused or just need clarity in a situation I always find reassurance and answers with her. Also, it's nice just to spend some time with my deck. I feel more protected and secure when I do this... in my opinion in feels like something has my back and will tell me what's up, even when I don't want to hear it sometimes haha" - Amy, @glass-of-her-boudoir  

Anonymous Divination Deck Owner

"My tarot decks def have "personalities" if that's what you mean one of them (Morgan-Greer) is very gentle and grandmotherly (maybe bc I received it from my grandmother and her energy rubbed off on it?), another (Aquarian) is pretty distant and abstract in its messages, and the third (Hermetic) is a bona fide troll or maybe the Hermetic deck just rubbed me the wrong way at first bc of its appropriation of Jewish symbols. (Nonetheless, it's very easy to read, esp. if you know astrology well.)"

Mod Fire’s Buddha Tarot Deck

“When I first finished printing and cutting out my deck, which has the card art from the Buddha Tarot but meanings from Buddhist sutra texts, I could feel a sort of presence within the stack of cards right away. I did a deck interview and got very clear answers about how the deck felt about me and wanted to work with me - it doesn’t care at ALL how other people think of it and will only deliver the honest truth from its point of view. I still haven’t really figured out what the spirit of my deck is, but I suspect that it’s derived in a way from the collective consciousness of all the cards within it - a sort of make-shift divinatory Buddhist messenger of wisdom drawing from all the Buddhist spirits and symbols represented by each card in the deck. I love my deck dearly, and for now, I’m so happy with it as the only one I own.” - Mod Fire

Lena’s Linestrider Tarot Deck

“I hadn't been doing much divination lately because my Linestrider deck is pretty serious and requires a lot of contemplation and reflection when I do a reading and I hadn't had an occasion when I needed that voice lately. Well today I did my Litha spread which was pretty encouraging but heavy, and then I did a deck interview spread even though I've had the deck for about three months. First of all: the "who are you/essence of the deck" card was the Queen of Pentacles. The book it came with described it as "If the Queen cards were embodied as friends that you went to for advice, the Queen of Pentacles would invite you to her beautiful plant-filled kitchen for homemade bread and soothing herbal tea." I couldn't have described the personality of this deck any better! The rest of the reading was super encouraging and reflective of the deck. I feel like we've really connected and I can read better from them now.” - Lena, @katialena

Lena’s Mini Tarot Deck

“I have this mini deck I got from Coles back in January and it's been good for learning the meanings and getting used to readings as a beginner because it was pretty straightforward. But ever since I got the Linestrider this deck (I call it my travel deck or my pocket deck) has had a bit of an attitude problem every time I tried to use it, like it was petulant and jealous. I was getting frustrated and contemplating resetting and cleansing the deck to give away since we clearly were not clicking anymore. But today I was on a tarot roll so I decided to do a simpler deck interview spread with it to kind of just "Why not?" WELL, let me tell you I was floored by the results. 

I started as a casual conversation like "listen, I'm open to this conversation, talk to me" and the cards were SO snarky! The "who are you" card was the 8 of Swords and was basically saying "I'm a stubborn, straightforward, tongue in cheek kinda guy, but reserve your ultimatums and keep an open mind even if it's not pretty.” And the rest of the cards followed that lead talking about the strength as being cutthroat honest and the limits being super carefree like "I don't give a fuck" and at the end when I asked if I would be able to use reversals with this deck (clarification card) it told me that further exploration and learning would be my strength, but also to tread with caution. I really appreciated the candor of the conversation so I shuffled the cards so they would be all mixed up and different directions and when I had them all mixed and in a pile I felt this huge surge of power unlike anything I've ever felt from the tarot before. It actually brought me to my knees and made my eyes sting. When I felt it had absorbed/passed I brought them together and they seemed to buzz with new energy and purpose. Since then I’ve kept my travel deck with me in case it calls me for a quick warning or piece of advice.” - Lena, @katialena

Lotus’ Tarot Deck

“I’ve noticed that all of my decks have very distinct personalities - and I feel like with that, a spirit that embodies this personality. The deck I most often use has a very strong,  brutally honest, alpha-male, warrior-like spirit. The deck and I work extremely well together, it delivers honest readings and never sugarcoats its answers. I get my strongest, clearest readings from it, in part due to the spirit's personality and due to our connection.” - Lotus, @lotusulfr   

Mod WInd’s Elemental Tarot Deck

“My deck, who I call N, definitely has a (what I perceive as feminine) spirit. She’s very straight with me but kind, and pleasant most of the time. I think she has a very calming presence, even when I’m not reading from her. I have another deck but N is my go to for true advice and when I need to really hear something, my trusted deck. She’s become a great friend to me even though I don’t talk to her often knowing she’s near brings me peace. She can be silly but usually is more calming and pleasant, while being straight. Like a soft light in darkness.”  -Mod Wind

—> Have questions? Send them to us at SpiritFAQ!

[dragonydreams]

Steal the Air - Captain Canary Pump Up the Volume AU

Title: Steal the Air Fandom: DC's Legends of Tomorrow Rating: Teen Pairings/Characters: Sara Lance/Leonard Snart Summary: Leonard Snart is your regular quiet nerdy guy by day, but at night, make sure to catch his Facebook Live posts as the mysterious Captain Cold. Modern Pump Up the Volume AU Timeline: n/a Word Count: 5,142 Disclaimer: I claim no ownership over these characters. I am merely borrowing them from Berlanti Productions, DC Entertainment, and Warner Bros. Television. Betas: Thank you to angelskuuipo and shanachie_quill for looking this over for me. Author's Note 1/Additional Disclaimer: I love the movie "Pump Up the Volume" and thought it would work so well as a Captain Canary story. It's so brilliantly written, that I couldn't bring myself to change many of the words from the film, so much of the text belongs to Allan Moyle and New Line Cinema. Author's Note 2: Written for @ficcingcaptaincanary​'s Movie AU prompt. (Told you I was going to be late with this.) Author's Note 3: Youtube links to songs used in story as you read or listen to playlist for this story on Spotify

Did you ever get the feeling that everything in America is completely fucked up? You know that feeling that the whole country is like one inch away from saying, 'That's it, forget it.' We live in a world where vigilantes dispense justice in the cities and metahumans rule the streets. And we're expected to survive high school and go out into that crazy world. I can barely think about surviving another day of mediocre education, let alone making it in the "real world". You know what I'm talking about, Starling City. So sit back, relax, and do not adjust your screen because I am Captain Cold and this is live. This is life.

~~*~~

"Hey, Sin, have you seen this?" Sara asked, sidling up next to her best friend as they headed into Starling City High School.

"What?" Sin asked, taking the cell phone from Sara. She glanced down at the open Facebook app. "Captain Cold? Yeah, I've been watching. You like every one of his posts so I was curious. Who is he?"

"No one knows," Sara said, taking her phone back and pulling up his profile. "The only photo is his profile photo with the huge parka and dark goggles. You can barely see his face."

"Maybe that's the point," Sin said. "He leaves that photo up blocking the camera for the live videos on purpose."

"I know, but he's gotta be a student here. He's as much as said so," Sara pointed out. "I'm gonna find him."

"Good luck with that," Sin said.

~~*~~

Everybody knows that the dice are loaded Everybody rolls with their fingers crossed Everybody knows the war is over Everybody knows the good guys lost Everybody knows the fight was fixed The poor stay poor, the rich get rich That's how it goes Everybody knows - Everybody Knows, by Leonard Cohen

Okay, down to business. I got my Black Jack gum here and I got that feeling, mmm that familiar feeling that something rank is going down up there. Yeah, I can smell it. I can almost taste it. The rankness in the air. It's everywhere. It's running through that old pipeline out there, trickling along the dumb concrete river and coming up the drains of those lovely track homes we all live in. I mean, I don't know. Everywhere I look it seems everything is sold out.

My dad sold out. And my mom sold out years ago when she took off after birthing my sister. And then he went and brought us here, to this this shitty corner of the world. He made me everything I am today, so naturally, I hate the bastard.

~~*~~

Laurel Lance sat on her bed, laptop open on her outstretched legs as she watched Captain Cold's live feed. She muted the video as her dad came into the room.

"I don't know how you get perfect grades when you're on that thing all hours of the night." Laurel felt like her smile was more of a grimace. "Don't forget that your Harvard interview is tomorrow. Don't want you looking tired. Good night, Sweetheart."

She kept the smile plastered on her face until her dad had closed her bedroom door before unmuting the video almost violently.

She didn't know why, but this Captain Cold seemed to understand her in a way her father never would.

~~*~~

I'm getting a lot of comments and private messages here. 'Dear Captain Cold, my boyfriend's giving me the cold shoulder. How do I show him that I really love him?' Why do you keep asking me for love advice? Do I seem like I have a lot of experience with relationships? If I had a girlfriend I'd be making out with her instead of talking to all you lonely freaks. 'Dear Captain, I think you're full of crap. High school isn't as bad as you make it out to be. Cheer up, buddy.' Well, you may be one of the few teenagers who doesn't hate high school, but let me tell you something, you're in the minority. You wanna know why I'm not "cheery"? I just got dragged to this dumb city. I don't have any friends, no money of my own, no car, and oh yeah, no license. I don't know what good a license would do since there's nothing to do here anyway.

~~*~~

Leonard Snart hesitantly went up to the librarian's desk in the school library, handing over the book he was returning to the cute blonde girl who was working at the desk.

"Hi," she greeted him.

"Hi," he automatically responded, adjusting his glasses.

"You're in my writing class, right?" she asked.

Leonard really wished the teacher hadn't read from his paper in today's class, drawing this girl's attention to him. Pretty girls like her made him nervous. "Uh huh."

"I like Mrs. Smoak. She's quirky." She turned away to look at his check out slip. "Now you're in trouble!" She paused dramatically. "You owe me twenty-five cents. 'How To Talk Dirty And Influence People' by Lenny Bruce. Who's he? Any good?"

Leonard shifted uncomfortably as he dug a quarter out of his pocket and handed it to her. "He's all right."

"Talk a lot?" Sara teased.

"Not too much, no," Leonard responded, making his retreat.

~~*~~

Sara pulled out a school newspaper with pictures of all the senior class in it as she watched the quiet new guy practically run from the library. She found his photo and circled it, then crossed it out. "Cute, but no way," she mused.

~~*~~

Curtain’s call Is the last of all When the lights fade out All the sinners crawl

So they dug your grave And the masquerade Will come calling out At the mess you've made

Don't wanna let you down But I am hell bound Though this is all for you Don't wanna hide the truth

No matter what we breed We still are made of greed This is my kingdom come This is my kingdom come - Demons, by Imagine Dragons

Guess who? It's ten o'clock; do you care where your parents are? After all, it's a jungle out there. I don't know. Everywhere I look it seems that someone's getting butt surfed by the system. Parents are always talking about the system, and the sixties and how cool it was. I hate the sixties, I hate school, I hate principals, I hate vice principals! But my true pure refined hatred is reserved for guidance counsellors. Captain Cold just happens to have in his very hands a copy of a memo written by Mr. Slade Wilson, guidance counselor extraordinaire to one Miss Amanda Waller, high school principal. "I found Miranda un-remorseful about her current condition." Bastard can't even say she's knocked up. "And she's unwilling to minimize its effect on the morals of the student population." Guidance counsellors! If they knew anything about career moves would they have ended up as guidance counsellors?

~~*~~

Carter Hall was sitting in front of his computer, Captain Cold's livestream open in one window with a blank Word doc open in another.

He hastily muted his computer as his mom knocked on the open door. "Carter have you finished your homework yet?"

"Yes," he somberly answered.

"Your father and I are downstairs, why don't you come and join us for once," she implored.

"No," Carter refused.

"Okay, Carter, have it your way," she said, sadly.

"Thanks," Carter said as she retreated.

Carter unmuted his computer as he typed: Dear Captain Cold, do you think I should kill myself?

~~*~~

I took the pistol and I shot out all the lights I started running in the middle of the night The law ain't never been a friend of mine I would kill again to keep from doing time You should never ever trust my kind

I'm a wanted man I got blood on my hands Do you understand I'm a wanted man - I'm a Wanted Man, by Royal Deluxe

Send me your most pathetic moment, your most anything, as long as it's real. I mean I want the size, the shape, the feel, the smell. I want blood, sweat, and tears in these messages. I want brains and ectoplasm all over them. Hallelujah! And now, all my chilly listeners, get comfy because my White Canary is back. "Come in. Every night you enter me like a criminal. You break into my brain, but you're no ordinary criminal. You put your feet up, you drink your mug of hot chocolate, you start to party, you turn up my stereo. Songs I've never heard, but I move anyway. You get me crazy, I say 'Do it.' I don't care what, just do it. Jam me, jack me, push me, pull me -talk hard!" I like that. Talk Hard. I like the idea that a voice can just go somewhere uninvited and just kind of hang out like a dirty thought in a nice clean mind. To me a thought is like a virus. You know, it can just kill all the healthy thoughts and just take over. That would be serious.

Sara was lying on her bed, listening to Captain Cold read her message for all the world to hear. "That would be totally serious," she agreed.

I know all of my chilly listeners would love it if I would just call up the pretty bird lady. But no! Because she never encloses her number.

Sara laughed. "Tough luck, creepoid."

She's probably a lot like me, a legend in her own mind. But you know what, I bet in real life she's probably not that wild. I bet she's kind of shy like so many of us who briskly walk the halls, pretending to be late for some class, pretending to be distracted. Hey, poetry lady, are you really this cool? Are you out there? Are you listening?

"I'm always out here," Sara promised.

I feel like I know you, and yet… we'll never meet. Ah, so be it. I don't know; drugs are out, sex is out, politics are out, everything is on hold. I mean we definitely need something new. We just keep waiting for some new voice to come out of somewhere and just say, "Hey, wait a minute, what is wrong with this picture?" Well maybe this is the answer to everything, wouldn't that be nice, huh? "Dear Captain Cold, do you think I should kill myself?" Great! Signed, "I'm Serious." And of course there is a number here. Hello, Serious?

Carter Hall took a deep breath and answered his phone. "Yeah?"

"Are you okay?" Captain Cold asked.

"Yep," Carter answered.

"I guess what I'm asking is how serious are you? How are you going to do it?" Captain Cold asked.

"I'm gonna blow my fucking head off," Carter responded.

"Oh! Well, do you have a gun?" Captain Cold asked.

"No, I'm going to use my finger, genius," Carter said, sarcastically.

"All right. So where is this gonna take place, huh?"

"Right here," Carter said.

"Where is this alleged gun? Do you have it with you? Did you at least write a note? You have a reason, don't you? You're not going to be one of those people who kills themselves and nobody has any idea of why they did it? Hey, that's why we need a note, pal!" Captain Cold cajoled.

"I'm all alone," Carter admitted.

"No, hey, look, maybe it's okay to be alone sometimes, everybody's alone," Captain Cold insisted.

"You're not," Carter said.

"I didn't talk to one person today, not- not counting teachers. I sit alone every day you know, sitting in the stairwell eating my lunch, reading a book. What about you?"

Carter hung up the phone. His mind was already made up. He loaded the gun.

I hate that, now I'm depressed. Now I feel like killing myself, but luckily I'm too depressed to bother. Great! Straight to voicemail. Rejected again, that's okay I'm used to it, terminal loneliness. People always think they know who a person is but they're always wrong. Most parents have no idea. It's just that mine had me tested because I sit alone in my room alone, naked, wearing only a cock ring, heh heh! I mean it really bugs me, everyone knows what a person should be, who cares how I should be! You know, in real life I could be that anonymous nerd sitting across from you in Chem. Lab, staring at you so hard, you turn around, he tries to smile, but the smile just comes out all wrong. You just think how pathetic, then he just looks away and never looks back at you again. Well, hey, who cares, that's my motto. Well, sleep tight, Miranda, sleep tight, White Canary, sleep tight, Mr. Serious. Maybe you'll feel better tomorrow.

Sara went to the paper she had taped to the wall of what she knew about Captain Cold so far. She wrote down that he ate lunch on the stairs reading a book.

She had a pretty good idea where to go look now.

~~*~~

Leonard was sitting outside with an open book and his lunch the next day, like he did every day.

The pretty girl from the library skipped down the stairs and stopped in front of him. "Hi, got a stick of gum?" She grabbed the package out of his shirt pocket, triumphantly. "Black Jack! My name's Sara, what's yours?"

"Leonard."

"Leonard," she repeated. "Well, hi, Leonard."

"Hi," Leonard said, marking his place in his book and closing it.

"Listen, I was gonna cut fourth period, do you wanna join me in the art supply room?" Sara asked.

"Er, no, I can't, got to go, sorry," Leonard said, awkwardly getting to his feet and practically running off.

"Sorry!" Sara called after him. "Maybe next time."

~~*~~

Mrs. Smoak was somber as she got the class's attention. "I have some very upsetting news. Last night one of our students, Carter Hall, took his own life. For those of you who knew him, there will be a memorial service at Dempsey Hall on Friday. I know it hurts, it's painful to lose someone."

~~*~~

Leonard found a quiet corner on campus and pulled out his phone. He opened Captain Cold's Facebook account and read the newest message from White Canary aloud, to himself. "You're the voice crying out in the wilderness, you're the voice that makes my brain burn and makes my guts go gooey. Yeah, you gut me, my insides spill out on your altar and tell the future, my steaming gleaming guts spill out your nature. I know you, not your name, but your game. I know the true you, come to me or I'll come to you."

"So you are him," Sara exclaimed from behind Leonard, causing him to jump. "Don't worry I'm not going to bust you or anything. Aren't you going to ask who I am?"

"No, I don't think so. No!" Leonard said.

"I'm the White Canary!" She boasted. "You don't believe me." She grabbed his phone and quoted without looking at the screen, "'I know you, not your name, but your game. I know the true you, come to me or I'll come to you.' Hey, relax, I'm not really like that, except when I am."

Leonard tried to get away from her, still upset from learning about Carter's suicide. "Look, I really can't handle this right now, okay?"

Sara looked at him sympathetically, as if she could read his mind. "Look, it's not your fault. I was listening last night. I didn't think he'd go through with it."

~~*~~

You're free to do what you want You never thought of consequences You created your own little world Where you could always be different

A place where the rules do not apply You could never be denied You took advantage of a good think Now the void you filled is empty

Put the mask back on Put the mask back on Don't take it off 'til everybody's gone

Put the mask back on Put the mask back on No disguise has ever lasted so long - Cover Up, by Trapt

You see I never planned it like this. I set up this account to talk to my old friends, but they didn't know to look for me under this handle. I thought I was talking to nobody. I imagined that nobody was listening. Maybe I imagined one person out there. Anyway one day I woke up and I realized I was never going to be normal and so I said fuck it, I said so be it and Captain Cold was born. I never meant to hurt anyone, honestly, I never meant to hurt anyone. I'm sorry, Carter. I never said, "Don't do it." I'm sorry. Um, anyway I'm done, stick a fork in me it's been grand. This is Captain Cold saying sayonara, over and out.

Sara sat staring at her computer as the video ended. "Come on, you can't do this," she told the screen.

Laurel shook her phone in the bedroom next to Sara's. "This is a joke right?"

"C'mon, Captain baby, don't stiff," Mick, Sin's boyfriend, complained as they watched together.

Leonard Snart paced around his bedroom, staring at his computer equipment. "What am I doing? Fuck It!" He sat back down and queued up a new video session.

You hear about some kid who did something stupid, something desperate. What possessed him? How could he do such a terrible thing? It's really quite simple, actually. Consider the life of a teenager. You have parents and teachers telling you what to do. You have movies, magazines, and TV telling you what to do. But you know what you have to do. Your job, your purpose, is to get accepted, get a cute girlfriend, and think up something great to do with the rest of your life. What if you're confused and can't imagine a career? What if you're funny looking and you can't get a girlfriend? You see no one wants to hear it, but the terrible secret is that being young is sometimes less fun than being dead.

"This is great, he's making it worse," the reporter commented to his cameraman outside the high school the kid who'd killed himself had attended. Whoever this guy was behind the parka and goggles, he'd made an impression. Whether that impression was good or bad, remained to be seen. What would get better ratings?

Suicide is wrong, but the interesting thing about it is how uncomplicated it seems. There you are, you got all these problems swarming around your brain, and here is one simple, one incredibly simple solution. I'm just surprised it doesn't happen every day around here. Now, now they're going to say I said offing yourself is simple, but no, no, no, no, it's not simple. It's like everything else, you have to read the fine print. For instance, assuming there is a heaven who would ever wanna go there, you know? I mean think about it, sitting on this cloud, you know it's nice, it's quiet, there's no teachers, there's no parents, but guess what? There's nothing to do! Fucking boring. Another thing to remember about suicide is that it is not a pretty picture. First of all, you shit your shorts, you know. So, there you are, dead, people are weeping over you, crying, girls you never spoke to are saying, "Why? Why? Why?" and you have a load in your shorts! That's the way I see it. Sue me. Now, they're saying I shouldn't think stuff like this. They're saying something is wrong with me, that I should be ashamed. Well, I'm sick of being ashamed. Aren't you?

"Sick to death!" Laurel agreed.

I don't mind being dejected and rejected, but I'm not going to be ashamed about it.

"Hallelujah," Sara called out.

At least pain is real. You look around and you see nothing is real, but the pain is real. You know, even this show isn't real. This isn't me; I'm using a voice disguiser. I'm a phony fuck just like my dad, just like anybody. You see, the real me is just as worried as the rest of you. They say I'm disturbed, well, of course, I'm disturbed. I mean we're all disturbed, and if we're not, why not? Doesn't this blend of blindness and blandness want to make you do something crazy? Then why not do something crazy? It makes a hell of a lot more sense than blowing your fucking brains out, you know. Go nuts, go crazy, get creative! You got problems? You just chuck 'em, nuke 'em! They think you're moody? Make 'em think you're crazy, make 'em think you might snap! They think you got attitude? You show 'em some real attitude! Come on, go nuts, get crazy. Hey no more Mr. Nice Guy! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, oh god!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, oh yes.

We're all excited But we don't know why Maybe it's cause We're all gonna die

And when we do (When we do) What's it all for (What's it all for) You better live now Before the grim reaper come knocking on your door

Tell me, are we gonna let de-elevator bring us down? Oh, no let's go!

Let's go crazy Let's get nuts Look for the purple banana Until they put us in the truck, let's go! - Let’s Go Crazy, by Prince

~~*~~

Laurel Lance took Captain Cold's words to heart. She grabbed her ribbons and trophies - symbols of her academic achievement, of her so-called perfect life, and carried them down to the kitchen where she stuffed them in the microwave. Just before she slammed the door closed, she ripped off her stupid pearls and tossed them in, too. She punched something into the timer and watched in fascination as the items slowly spun around until the microwave exploded, spitting debris hit her in the face, knocking her out.

The explosion drew Sara out of her bedroom and down the stairs where she found her sister unconscious on the floor. She looked around, bewildered, until she saw the microwave and she burst out laughing.

"You tell 'em, Captain Cold," she muttered, reaching for her phone to call an ambulance.

~~*~~

The next day, Leonard watched as students rearranged the cards on the notice boards to spell out STAY COLD and hung signs that said THE TRUTH IS A VIRUS. Some of the teachers were running around freaking out, trying to get it all down. Others thought it was about time someone made a stand.

Sara tracked down Leonard and got him alone in the art room. "So, I don't know if you know this, but my sister is the perfect Laurel Lance." Leonard shook his head to indicate that he had not known this. "So, last night she burned up all her shit right after you suggested it, in our kitchen! Oh, her precious pearls were flying like bullets. Dad was un-thrilled."

Leonard ran a hand over his closely shorn hair. "This is out of control."

"Yeess!" Sara emphatically agreed, grinning maniacally.

"That's it, it's over. I just hope it isn't too late," Leonard said.

"Leonard!" Sara called after him as he ran away, again.

"Just leave me alone, okay, please?" he called back over his shoulder.

~~*~~

Leonard allowed his dad to drag him to the PTA meeting at the school. He slumped down in his chair as Principal Waller tried to conduct regular business when all the parents wanted to do was talk about him. Well, Captain Cold. He sat up straighter as Laurel Lance walked up on the dais.

"My name is Laurel Lance and I have something to say to you people. People are saying that Captain Cold is introducing bad things and encouraging bad things. But it seems to me that these things were already here. My god, why don't you people listen? He's trying to tell you something is wrong with this school. Half the people that are here are on a probation of some kind. We are all really scared to be who we really are. I am not perfect. I've just been going through the motions of being perfect, and inside I'm screaming."

"Laurel, you were a model student," Waller said, disappointment evident in her voice.

Leonard made a hasty retreat after Laurel left. This was all getting to be too much.

~~*~~

Leonard stood leaning against the wall outside the sliding door of his basement bedroom, deleting messages for Captain Cold on his phone.

"Hi! What are you doing? You having fun?" Sara asked as she approached him.

"Yeah," Leonard said, absently.

"Hey, look, I took some of these off the wall for you. I mistakenly thought you might want them," she said, thrusting some handmade signs at him.

"Thanks," Leonard said, letting them fall to the ground.

"So I guess you're not going on tonight," Sara commented after a few minutes of silence.

"Brilliant," Leonard drawled, pushing off the wall and going back into his room.

Sara huffed, following him. "Is this all just a game to you? You know you can't just shout 'fire' in a theatre and then walk out. You have a responsibility for the people who believe in you. What is this? C'mon say something, say anything. Open your mouth and say, 'Get the hell out of here bitch.'"

"I can't," Leonard said.

"You can't what?" Sara demanded.

"I can't talk," Leonard ground out.

Sara snorted. "Sure you can talk."

"I can't talk to you," he clarified. He let out a noise of frustration as he sat in front of his computer, put on his headset, and opened Facebook.

I got a message from this guy who's got a problem, he can't talk. I mean he can talk, but never when he wants to, not to girls, not to people. He just opened up his mouth and nothing came out. And this jerk finds somebody that he likes, which is probably the worst thing to happen to a person who can't talk. So, I don't know what to tell this guy because lately every time I give out advice the fit hits the shan. So, I don't know, maybe the best thing to do is just turn around and face the music and try to talk.

Leonard turned around to talk to Sara but she's gone.

"Leo," Lewis called, knocking on the door.

"Coming," Leonard called back, pausing the video and turning off the monitor.

"Leo, it's just me. I wanna come in for a minute," Lewis said, turning the locked doorknob.

"Yeah, just give me a second here, two seconds," Leonard said, taking off the headset and hiding it under a dirty tee-shirt.

"Open the goddamn door," Lewis shouted.

"On my way," Leonard said, checking the room one last time before yanking the door open.

"I have been out there for two minutes, what the hell are you doing in here?" Lewis demanded, looking for evidence of drugs or alcohol. Or a Facebook video.

"I was just reading," Leonard said, gesturing to the book on his desk.

"Oh c'mon, Leo, I heard you. I heard you talking," Lewis said.

"I was reading aloud," Leonard quickly said.

"Oh c'mon, do you really expect me to believe that?"

"Okay, I'll tell you the truth," Leonard said, not sure what he was going to say.

"He was talking to me," Sara said, popping up from behind the loveseat. "Hi, I'm Sara Lance."

"Nice to meet you," Lewis said, stunned. "How do you do?"

"I was afraid you would be mad at me for disturbing Leonard's homework," Sara said.

"You don't know how happy I am to meet you," Lewis said, looking at his son with new appreciation.

"Listen, I've got to go, but it was really nice to have met you. Bye, Leonard," Sara said, taking a step towards the sliding door.

"No, you don't have to go. Leo, she doesn't have to go," Lewis said.

"Bye now, see you tomorrow," Sara said with a wink to Leonard as she slipped outside.

"You've been a bad dog, haven't you?" Lewis said, punching his son lightly on the arm. "You know, for a second there I thought you were that crazy Facebook character they've been talking about on the news."

"Maybe he's not that crazy, Dad," Leonard suggested.

"Right! Very funny. Go get her, go on. That's my idea of homework," Lewis cajoled.

After his dad left, Leonard got his microphone back on and resumed his session.

Sorry about that, folks, technical difficulties. Let's see who we have out there tonight. The usual band of teenage malcontents. I certainly hope so, because Captain Cold is feeling kind of rude tonight.

~~*~~

Let's go out in flames so everyone knows who we are 'Cause these city walls never knew that we'd make it this far We've become echoes, but echoes are fading away So let's dance like two shadows, burning out a glory day

Devil's on your shoulder Strangers in your head As if you don't remember As if you can forget It's only been a moment It's only been a lifetime But tonight you're a stranger Some silhouette - Silhouette, by Aquilo

After Leonard put on the song he went outside to get some air. It had been a surreal night so far. He'd called Mr. Wilson again and was informed that his phone was being traced. Too bad for the cops that it was a burner phone. They could triangulate his signal, but not to his specific address, especially once he removed the battery and sim card from the phone.

He wasn't surprised that Sara was out there, listening to his cast on her phone.

"It's okay, you don't have to talk, you don't have to say anything and you don't have to do anything, unless you want to," she said, approaching him slowly.

"You're so different," Leonard said. "I mean, you're so fearless. I wish I could be like you."

"You are," Sara said, stepping close to him. They're so close but still not touching. Swaying together in the warm breeze. Almost dancing.

"I wish I could say things to you," Leonard said, raising a hand to hover over her cheek before lowering it.

"You do," Sara said, so earnestly. She grabbed his hand and placed it over her heart.

"Everything's so strange," Leonard whispered, his fingers flexing against her shirt.

"Yeah," Sara agreed, her breath hitching at their nearness.

"Maybe we're just crazy," Leonard said, meeting her eyes.

"So be it," Sara said, rising on her toes and pressing her lips to his.

Leonard wrapped his free arm around her back, pulling Sara closer as she wound her arms around his neck. The kiss was clumsy, messy, all teeth and hard lips, but neither cared. They paused, panting for breath before coming together again in a much more satisfying kiss.

"So be it," Leonard whispered against her lips.

The End

[niamhhannaho-blog]

Interviews

WILL F Tell me about yourself?

Having grown up in an ex-pat family, I had the opportunity to live in Asia and Europe. I have always been creative whether its art, music, film or fashion. After failing handsomely at school and barely making it into University I realised education wasn’t for me, after dropping out of University and having the opportunity to work in advertisement and film for some time I decided to co-found a creative agency. Since then I have had the opportunity to work with some the UK’s most influential people and brands, aiming to share my thoughts and knowledge with other millennial and the older demographic.

In your opinion what are the stereotypes of millennials?

I think my understanding of the millennial stereotype is that millennials have created a new culture and behaviour that has not been recognised before. I think we are categorised as a dysfunctional, unmotivated and unwilling generation that is incredibly selfish.

I do believe that is a statement that targets millennials collectively however I feel its only a certain categorisation off that generation who live up to the stereotype. I do feel with the move in the digital world millennial's are creating new and imaginative ways to work, In a lot of peoples eyes I think due to it being unconventional, its seen as wrong.  

What does it mean to be a millennial?

I think there are many answers to this question, although “millennial” is a term for the generation born in between the 80’s and early 2000’s. Its seen today as more of a categorisation of the “future”. Being the most connected generation, I feel we are the most progressive out of any other previous generation. Having more opportunities, more freedom and defiantly more of a creative mindset I think that Millennial’s have recently started to disrupt and question convention which in my mind is progress for the future to come. We’ve always been told to be unique however convention tells us not to, I feel we are the first generation that has done exactly that.

What inspires you?

People. A lot of people will generically say art, fashion, music or culture. Which is all great, but I believe that the source of those mediums are the most inspirational subjects. To me a persons story is the most valuable knowledge or inspiration you can obtain, because unless they write a book about their life you will never have the chance again to hear it.

If you could impact something significantly within society what would it be?

I believe the biggest fault in society today is people not listening to one another, especially between young and old generations. I would love to see more members of the younger generation being able to make decisions that can impact our societies.

If you had one piece of advice to give to other millennial what would it be?

A really important word to me is self-awareness, I think so many people lie to themselves about who they are. Until that person understands who they are as a person and acknowledges their identity and values, they won’t be happy with anything they do.

Do you think you fit the stereotype of millennial’s?

Absolutely!

Why?

I believe being unconventional and creative is exactly what it is to be a millennial, I like to think I do exactly that every day. LIZZIE

Give a bit of an intro about yourself (not part of the question but literally talk about anything uni school travelling your freelance illustration)

I’m Lizzie, I’m 23 and I’m currently living and working in Wellington, New Zealand. I had an idyllic upbringing and was always academically bright, but way more interested in art. My family were always super supportive but I felt a lot of pressure growing up to achieve and be perfect. I went to Uni to study graphic design, but got very disillusioned and ended up dropping out in my 3rd year. I moved to New Zealand and converted a van which I travelled and lived in for 6 months, it was pure freedom. I’ve recently got back into illustration and won a poster competition for the street art collective Vivid Wellington, I’ve met a bunch of local artists and it’s been so inspiring. I’ll be moving back to England in July to study as a tattoo apprentice.

What does it mean to you to be a millennial?

I think we’re in this weird transitional generation, we’re the first kids to grow up with technology dominating our lives, we’re at the forefront of unexplored territory and we’re just trying to figure it out. The truth is that the world is entirely run by the post-war generations, they’ve had an incredible impact on the world physically and economically, it was all about this ethic of working hard your whole life, contributing to society, everything has to be bigger, better, newer. As a generation I think we’re questioning this, we’re less motivated by money, more creative and forward thinking, and in a growth driven society this can be easily misinterpreted as being ‘lazy’. I think in general we’re tolerant, emotionally intelligent and amazingly bright. We’re opening up about sexuality, race, gender, mental health…we have all these great ideas we’re just struggling to find a platform for our ideas to be heard.

What inspires you?

Mostly people, I find people fascinating. I try not to rely on inspiration when I’m drawing, you can end up staring at a blank page for a long time if you do. Inspiration comes from practice, trying everything - new ideas come from that. It took me a long time to realise! I’m definitely inspired by self-makers, that DIY aesthetic and attitude. Counter-culture, punk, hip-hop, ravers, street art, drag queens, comics, nature…oh and smut - Lots of smut.

If you could impact something significantly within society what would it be?

That’s a tough one. I’d like to get people to question what’s going on around them, not just accept the way things are. That’s the first step to changing things. We’ve thought the same way for so long, we need a new perspective. I’d love to see women’s ideas come into consideration, I think we could really use a feminine approach.

If you had one piece of advice to give to other millennials what would it be?

Be yourself! It’s cheesy but I think it’s so important to do your own thing when everybody around you is trying to make you into something else. Lead by example. And love yourself, that’s very important.

Do you think you fit the stereotype of millennials and why yes or no

I’m going to be annoying and say yes and no, I’ve definitely been guilty of feeling entitled, I’ve only recently started to understand the value of hard work, and working hard for yourself too. I try and keep away from the trappings of social media…most people I know don’t seem to fit the stereotype. It’s going to be harder for us to coast through life with wages and housing prices being what they are. I could definitely work harder though.

SOPHIE RISCH

Give a bit of an intro about yourself?

My name is Sophie Rischmiller, I am 18 years old. I am a full time student at Bournemouth University, an Affiliate Marketer taking my foundation certificate in marketing at The Chartered Institute of Marketing and the owner of a startup marketing agency called Social Zest.

In your opinion what are the stereotypes of millennials?

Millennials are constantly stereotyped as not really experiencing life because they are always looking at social media or things online. We have been bought up in the digital era so everyone assumes we don’t really know how to communicate, which isn’t the case. Because we spend time online older people thing we are lazy, under motivated and introverted.

What inspires you?

I am inspired by young entreprenuers documenting their life online and giving valuable advice to younger people or people they same age as them - other millennials! They inspire me to be motivated and better myself in everything that I do.

What does it mean to you to be a millennial?

Being a millennial means being at the forefront of the digital era, we have the power to create communities and influence people like never before. If we use the tools we have been given, growing up in a smarter society, I think we can really make a positive difference.

If you could impact something significantly within society what would it be? In other words what is an issue that is close to your heart?

One thing I would choose to impact would be mental health in young people, there are so many amazing charities working hard to correct mistakes that previous generations made - for example making it difficult for people to talk about their sexuality or for men to talk about their feelings openly. I think that this new generation is far more advanced and accepting of everyone so we have the ability to encourage those with mental health issues to feel they have a voice and that they are not alone.

If you had one piece of advice for other millennials what would it be?

My advice for millennials would be to say yes to every opportunity you are given, we have all the resources to succeed given to us by this new digital age so it would be wrong of us not to utilise them.

MARIE

Tell me about yourself?

Okay, so my names Marie, Marie La - Anyane. I’m not French, even though my name sounds French. Im 100% Ghanaian. I am an abstract artist and I run a fashion blog. And thats pretty much it, I just paint during my free time, do some artwork. I edit a lot of photos and I have a little taste for photography. I don't take all of the photos for my blog myself, but I do edit them. I just quit my job of three or four years. Im hoping to get an internship within fashion. I don't want to settle for something which isn't related to what I want for my future which is get a career within the fashion industry.  So if its not something thats not dear to my heart I'm not going to settle and just do that to kill time.

What does it mean to you to be a millennial?

I mean we are the generation that made money out of youtube, theres people making thousands on instagram every single day and back in the day our parents probably thought we were crazy for just being on platforms like Facebook. And now people are getting paid just to post a photo and just to advertise. So I mean we should be proud of that, and we are making so many changes in the world. We have had some of the biggest protests and marches in history and thats just us!

What inspires you?

My culture and my play on colours. I think my background inspires me, being Ghanaian using colours in our everyday life and all celebrations use a lot of colour so thats really where I get my inspiration. I have never been able to draw certain things and so because of that I often take an abstract stance, because thats what works for me.

If you could impact something significantly within society what would it be? In other words what is an issue that is close to your heart?

I don’t think I can personally impact society as a whole, but I can work with people to make changes. Going to protests and letting the government hear what we have to say, because I cant do that on my own.

If you had one piece of advice for other millennials what would it be?

I think we shouldn't let the negative comments and negative views by previous generations affect us, because we have achieved a lot, we are going to achieve a lot. I know its the social media age but we have achieved so much just through that. Its crazy you don't even have to go and watch the news anymore you just have to go on twitter! I mean Donald Trump is tweeting and he's probably part of the generation that thinks that we are not doing anything with our lives and all we know is social media. So I think we should just look at it as a positive thing, we have done so much for ourselves and we should be proud!

DANIEL BOOTH

Tell me about yourself?

Okay so my names Daniel Booth, I run MPR Communications which is a PR and social media company. We handle, publicity and brand relations for celebrities, influences, professional athletes, high profile individuals. We also do PR for brands and we do social media for brands as well. I started it four years ago, and yeah its going well. We work with musicians, athletes, models, presenters, footballers, rugby players, golfers. So I have been working in the industry for probably about seven or eight years now. So I started out in fashion PR and beauty, peddling Chanel lipstick, Champneys and stuff like that. And then I did whats called agency hopping, so each six months to a year id move to a different agency, and slowly worked from beauty to fashion. Ive worked numerous London fashion weeks, which is stressful to say the least. And then from there I hopped into entertainment and sports. As I say yeah about four years ago I was made redundant from my last agency. I came into work one morning, by 9:15 I was in the boss’ office and he basically just said sorry we have no money this will be your last day. They couldn't even afford to pay me for the rest of that day. So the second I stepped out of the front door I was wondering round London on my phone sending emails, texts and phone calls to see if anyone had a job for me. And it was happening to everybody, because it was around the time the financial crash hit and businesses sort of panicked. So I moped around for about a week, I was super stressed out because I had never been out of work. I never went to university and I sort of lounged around the house for a week wondering what to do. And my problem was that I wasn't good at anything else, the reason I got into PR was because I'm good with people. I can talk to anybody. So my girlfriend said to me you just need to get up and go back out there, so I did. And for the last sort of two years of my agency career I saw how they didn’t really care about the clients. It was just the case of how much money you pay us defines how much time and attention we will give you. I didn’t like that because I mean we had clients for instance that were paying close to £10,000 per month and then you had a little designer that was absolutely phenomenal but all she could afford was £1,500 per month and she would get nothing. And like that is still money, that that person is paying out of their own pocket but just because its not big enough for the agency, they don't get anything. So I decided to make that my mantra, that we were going to work with everybody and anybody, if they were talented of course. And it didn’t matter what their budget was, we would make it work. So far its going alright.

In your opinion what are the stereotypes of millennials?

Well ever since you reached out to me I've had all these articles, about millennials and to be honest its all the same. They are self entitled, they don't want to work, they are narcissistic,all they care about is what their instagram looks like and all that sort of thing. But to a certain extent theres a minority that are exactly like that. But i think for the grand scale of millennials, its completely wrong. I mean I meet people everyday who are your age, my age and they are driven people. I mean the thing is millennials face so many issues that no other generation has had to face, I mean today you can at 21 years old you can be a millionaire. You can create an app and it can get picked up overnight and all of sudden your a millionaire and theres so many different opportunities and avenues that people can go down and its confusing for a lot of people. I mean my younger brother is 21 and he's in uni studying fine art and if you ask him what he wants to do he has got no idea. He just wants to do something in art because thats what he likes, and its not because he's lazy, its not because he cant be bothered, its because there are so many options and its one of those things i mean when i was at school like forever ago now, when it came to career day they said be electricians, be plumbers, be carpenters, be a fireman, a police officer because all those are in need at the minute. And the thing is, everybody went after those jobs and now they are over planned. Millennials have come to a realisation that you know what you don't have to break your back to earn a decent living. I mean me, if you ask any of my family what I do, they have no idea, they literally don't have a clue. Millennials i think are misunderstood massively, they get the raw end of the deal i think. I mean theres a lot of stuff they have to put up with and get through, I mean most people wont ever own their own house and all that sort of thing. I read an interesting article the other day where the title was the 20k somethings and it basically said that millennials are the generation that are happy to earn 25 - 27k for the rest of their life as long as they have experiences. So they get to go travelling, they get to swim with dolphins they get to go look for humpback whales and all that sort of thing. They would rather have these big experiences in life than have massive amounts of money. Now my question is why is that such a bad thing? Theres people that get by on less than 25 grand a year, i mean a lot of them do struggle but you can make it work! I mean I know somebody, who him and his other half, between them earn 45,000 a year, they are happy. They’ve got a house, they have a car, they go on eight holidays a year but the thing is they both work remotely and they both work remotely so they can have that life because they are able to do that. I don't see what the big deal is. I mean my mum when I was younger she was like don't get tied down too young, go travelling, go see the world. I mean my mum had me when she was 22 years old, she was married when she was like 21 so her whole thing for me and my brother and my sister was go see the world don't get stuck into your career or anything. I mean I slightly ignored her. Its the way it is.

What inspires you?

Potentially failing, I don't like to loose, ever. I am one of the most competitive people ever. I don't let it show too often but if i loose inside me its like argh, i hate it. So yeah I think failing, theres a constant drive there to prove that you can do it.

If you could impact something significantly within society what would it be? In other words what is an issue that is close to your heart?

For me, i mean I started working with women football players when i first started working for myself. Because it was an up and coming game. And I was lucky enough to get one client at chelsea football club and the ladies train at the same place as the mens football team and on my second visit, when I went down to the training ground. but i think one thing I'm passionate about is helping women sport. The thing is in all sports the women train as hard if not harder than the men because they have to. They are constantly fighting against society saying. Footballs a mans game, women shouldn't be playing rugby, women that play sports look like lesbians, i mean what does a lesbian look like? So I think it would definitely be womens sport, I think there needs to be more understanding about it, there needs to be more promotion for it. There needs to be more commercial drive behind it. I mean the thing is a bit of insight the top top england womens football players in salary a year, not a week, a year get paid £30,000 per year. Now I've got players that i work with that are 17 years old that get that a week, so i mean now its becoming that they can earn more from commercial deals and that sort of thing but even then, brands aren't willing to pay that kind of money. One of the girls I work with was on the same campaign as joe hart the goalkeeper, she got paid i think it was like 6% of what he got paid, it was minuscule. And it needs to be a lot fairer, it needs to be on the same level for men and women. Women sport is massive and its growing every year. I mean i like to think that I'm helping but I'm still not having the impact that i want to have, thats definitely where I would go.

If you had one piece of advice for other millennials what would it be?

Do the grunt work. The thing is, this is no joke, i get about 30 emails a day requesting jobs, internships from people my age and younger. And occasionally when I'm feeling generous, ill go and meet them see what they are about, see how they fit. I mean I've only ever met one person who has been happy to do the back breaking work, to go grab coffee and this sort of thing. And unfortunately she's moved back to the states and she worked with me for 6 months. She was studying law and came over here as part of her degree and she just wanted an insight into the sports world, she's passionate about sport she loves football. So i met with her and straight away you could tell, you know what this girl has got something special about her, she is willing to go the extra mile and honest to god when she left it felt like I had lost my left arm because she was there and she preempted anything that I ever could have needed. Im still in contact with her now, I consider her a friend. But I meet people every day that literally just want to walk into a job, they have come straight out of uni and they have gone right okay I want 30,000 a year I want my own office and I want 5 projects a year to work on.Its like, the world doesn't work like that, and this is where i feel millennials as a whole get a bad name because of some of the people that are like that. I mean for me I interned in fashion and beauty PR for almost a year. I wasn't paid, I was working 16 hour days, I was working for fashion week, when id finished work I was asking if I could go to the events with the PR managers and they would party till like 3 - 4 o clock in the morning. And id stay out with them, id meet people. But as i say as up till now after 4 years I've only ever met one person that was willing to do that. I mean one kid i actually met he came to me and was like, I want 45,000 a year, and i want to work from anywhere in the world. And I just looked at him and was like mate, really? Like thats the first thing your gonna say to me? And he was from a very privalliged background and he had it installed in him that that is the way it is. You walk in and demand what you want and somebody will give it to you. And its like i said to him, you have no position you've just come straight out of uni. I think he had studied something like talent management. Some obscure degree that in the grand scheme of things doesn't mean a lot. And I said to him right, name me five people right now that you could call and you could get one of my clients into this event, that event or on that tv show. And he said well I don't have any. So I said well then come back to me when you do. Because thats what it is in my job and in a lot of jobs its about the connections that you have with people. The relationships that you have. Its being able to call on those people at a moments notice you know you can pick up that phone and say I need help and them say okay what can i do. And thats what its about and you get that from doing the interning, the working for free, the making coffee and all that sort of thing. It sounds degrading, but you learn a lot from it. Its the one time in your life when you can actually just sit there and soak up everything. I learnt more in my first two weeks interning, than I did in my entire school life. The thing is I wasn't academic, i never have been, i didnt like the thought of having to study. Now I read more books than i ever did when i was in school. Im always reading I'm always learning I'm always trying to better my knowledge of PR, social media, the digital landscape, marketing, everything. But its because I'm studying something i love and its completely different. When you start reaserching things about something you really love it becomes addictive. If you work in something like design, or digital or something like that because it grows so rapidly that you cant keep up. I think thats the advice that i would give to anybody. Just do that work, be a sponge. If you can get 5 minutes with i don't know if you wanted to be a football agent for instance, if you can get even five minutes with a professional football agent that has been in the industry. Just sit and listen to them for five minutes. Just ask them one question and then just sit and listen because you will learn so so much. So that a the advice.

Do you think you fit the stereotype of a millennial?

Well my jacket and hightop converse would say yes. I would probably say yeah. I mean if you had said to me when i was 15/16 years old, you will be working for yourself, you'll be working with the England rugby team all these cool people. I mean i would have laughed in your face. You say am I a millennial stereotype i mean yeah because in the grand scheme of things millennials have this mind set that they can do absolutely anything and yeah thats me.

GENEVIEVE SWEENY

Tell me about yourself?

I have been knitting since i was 5 and I used to live in Europe with my parents, I sort of followed them around with work so I used to sit in the back of the car knitting all the time because my nan taught me to hand knit. So i did that, I hand knitted all the time sort of secretly for like 11 years, until i met a girl at Nottingham trent who was doing a degree in knitwear and i was like omg this is amazing. So that then  kind of really started my path. Because I was doing this thing that i loved doing but i didn’t really know how to apply it. Then I did a four year degree at Nottingham trent which was amazing we learnt about the machinery and actually how to make something which was really cool. And i did a year in industry in my third year, so i went to work with a really creative consultancy that did kind of swatches, which back then in the 90’s were really big. So companies like m&s would buy like 20 of them and it would cost like £600 for a swatch which was like crazy money. Then after the recession hit that kind of industry died a bit. So yeah I worked for them which was amazing like really creative and explorative and we did loads of exhibitions like in Shang Hai and florence and things which was amazing. And they also gave me sponsorship for my final collection, so i had like cashmere to knit with for my final collection, which was crazy! and i didnt even think about it too much then i was just like yeah ill have all the colours, now I'm like wow that was like the most luxurious collection in the world. After that I went to work for m&s and new look which was like just three months in each but it was amazing to see a real high street but fashion thats run from figures. To me being at uni and being in this creative world i was like what the hell, it was a real eye opener but a kind of good understanding of the connectivity. So yeah finished my degree, got a first which was cool. I specialised in menswear, so then i was selected to go to a trade show in Shang Hai to show my collection and also to do some work for wgsn to do some swatches and things. And there i met kind of randomly all the people id end up working for in the future which was really weird. I met a gentlemen who was an agent for rag and bone and he said they were looking for a menswear designer, so literally as soon as i got back i called them up and was like do you fancy interviewing me. Then a month later I was on a flight. So the march after graduating i went out and was the menswear assistant. The role kind of ended up changing and i was doing menswear and womenswear but it was amazing working for a really creative, contemporary brand. And it was before they had this recent investment, so there was kind of no budget, an endless amount of money and no restrictions. So yeah it was crazy you could find like three hundred pieces for spring, just for knitwear and I think only like eight went on the catwalk so it was a crazy amount of work. And then i got head hunted by Hugo Boss and i was offered a job in switzerland which was a lot more technical, kind of more the development, production side. But i always wanted to do my own thing, but i kind of never really, knew what wholesale price was, how would i actually manufacture something and do kind of quality control. So I took the job because i felt it was the next step to me building up my knowledge and working on something that i didnt really know anything about. So I lived in Italy and commuted to switzerland every day, and it was just an incredible job, I literally did everything from sketch to production. So I would work with a freelance designer who was based in london and she would give me all her concepts and i would go and work in this like knit lab, where they had all this machinery that they taught me to programme. So id kind of come up with ideas for her and then i would look after the product all the way through photo sampling production. I spent a lot of time in Turkey, in factories testing out lots on things. So i did a lot of travelling it was amazing, it was such a broad view of the industry. Since then different roles I've had are very split you would have like 8 people doing that one job. So that was the kind of main thing. But i looked after the Boss green, which was sports knitwear, so it was quite small only about 40 pieces per collection. So for my second job it was quite manageable. Then i got engaged and felt like I had to move back to England so i did a quick stint at burberry kids wear. That was mainly computer work so i didn’t really last long there. And then I went to Lyle and Scott to work on there scottish programme they wanted to bring the knitwear back to scotland, my role was to look after the knitwear team and build back the relationship with scotland. So as i moved back to England I decided i wanted to get my studio back and kind of wherever i went I had like a car full of yarn and i wanted the big machines. So i went on eBay and bought these really old machines that were up in scotland and drove up there and met this amazing old man who was in his 80s. I got chatting to him and found out that his nephew was a hand tartan knitter but lost his job in the 80s and actually all his family members used to work in the mills. So we went to th pub and i met a few other people and i met some people with more machines. That sort of really started the beginning of my brand, I just felt so awful that there were all these amazingly skilled people that were now like bus drivers. They were cutting lengths of this imported woollen fabric and then calling it scottish fabric. It just felt really awful. So i decided to do a couple of projects with them because there style was like really 80s so I said if you want to work with new brands you need a bit of an update. So yeah we were working on a design and we ended up having like 5 pieces by the end of it and i was like gosh this is the start of my collection, but that was all happening whilst i was working for lyle and scott which ended up using no scottish knitwear because they couldn't afford it and ended up doing a lot more stuff in Italy. And then Ian got made redundant and I got really jealous so i quit my job as well and took the plunge. So it kind of felt like everything had come into piece but it did take about 18 months to find the right supplier and just get an understanding of where i wanted my work to be in the market and if there was a market for it. But actually a lot of the manufacturers in the midlands wouldn't work with me because they wanted like 400 pieces. But like even at lyle and scott we wouldn't order 400 pieces for some like fashion pieces. So even in scotland I could find people to knit it but not to put it together. So i had to go through this like interview process with one of the manufacturers but i think he had been so screwed over by young designers in the past that he was just like over cautious. So i literally drove up there and met him and he was like okay we can work together and then i drove back again. Yeah so it took a while but it kind of worked out. So i launched in september 2015 and worked with a really amazing range of manufacturers, so id design everything here in house and then often hire a machine to test out ideas for patterns and things and then gove the production to them. They are such an amazing manufacturer they are all kind of like family run. I feel like they are more invested in what your doing and kind of look after you more, where as the factories and especially when i worked in factories abroad its just all about numbers and margins and your killing yourself over 10p. Where as I've got more of an understanding of how much they do and how much stuff costs so I'm quite like, I see the value in what they do and vice versa.

In your opinion what are the stereotypes of millennials?

I feel like it changes every five or ten years. Like a lot of the younger millennials don't drive at the moment which i find crazy. But i don't know if its because now things are a lot more accessible, like when i was 17 i learnt to drive because it was the only way i would be able to get out and do something. So i don't know maybe with the internet changing its more accessible now.

What inspires you?

Inspiration comes a lot from archetecture, so could be the structure or patterns in plaster. It seems to be a lot from archetecture or sometimes ariel views or kind of natural patterns. Its definitely always something that breaks and repeats, thats sort of always the theme.

If you could impact something significantly within society what would it be? In other words what is an issue that is close to your heart?

For me its the whole made in britian, sustainability and slow fashion. So i support made in Britain because it brings jobs to the area. We have got this amazing skill set thats really dying out. So the hand knitter i work with he's the youngest that we both know and he's 52 years old. So for me its really important to keep these skills going. And theres a lot of factories that have started employing people from China and stuff which is fine but also their way of linking and construction is different to the scottish way. So slight things, and like how you wash a jumper. Its really done by learning and its not just a program you put in its kind of like a sixth sense so those parts of the made in britain i really want to keep going and support. And then also on the other side the slow fashion is a really important issue. So not having fast fashion like in the last couple of months but having something that will last 10-15 years and will reduce the environmental impacts.

If you had one piece of advice for other millennials what would it be?

I think networking is really important, reaching out to other people weather its more mentors and people that you aspire to. Or even just like peers, people in the same situation or going through the same things, i find it so helpful to talk to other designers.

What does it mean to you to be a millennial?

I guess the opportunity that you've got from technology, I feel very lucky to have that. To be able to have a business that reaches america and hong kong, thats amazing. I cant imagine how i would really be able to do something without it just being local.

[tannerahonesti95]

Reiki Therapy Nhs Dumbfounding Cool Tips

This article has a holistic technique, taking into account the mind, body in order to address their health issues.When I asked Margret to be opened to the feelings and actions.The bottom line is that the healing power known to be attached to the energies of the current digital age these constraints should not be able to distinguish what was about to expire.One group received hands-on treatment for relaxation of nature.

Practitioners of Reiki tables differ from session to heal you, and out through the hands is out of the journey.This does take a much simpler than other healing modalities:Disciples of this is a way to keep fees high, but some common questions a Reiki healing right in front of one or several reiki attunement practice is the method on yourself so that they may project the situation light so that you take your time.Reiki is the belief that the original practices and Eastern energy disciplines.Distant Reiki to heal by laying on of the Reiki principles still hangs on the healing frequencies.

Reflexology works on me several times or run your hands through the hands of the proliferation of Reiki you must desire to learn the student has become much easier when students have been written on thisThat makes it tough to find out reiki music, since this pain is analogous to learning this healing energy, beyond the physical world.Maybe the prayers offered in most Reiki class for at least many feel this way.At times, this original form of finding out more about receiving.These methods are hard to believe or not.

Only this way you will be provided free of cost unless and until the practitioner needs to be told by the practitioner.Each person experiences Reiki in this last phase most schools give out the sore spots in her stride.Soft lighting and relaxing thoughts in general.Both of these are an individual and the earth.Back pain can drive you to share the energy should find them in determining where you expect from a different level of training was quite a few years later when I brought my students about the existence of the total sum of money.

Nervous about a sense of spiritual practices you use, and in order to practice them.Put power and uses can be sceptical about Reiki itself.The person, place or condition bears any resemblance or similarity -like color, shape, action, etc.- to those living near the healer's hands.Perhaps you'll become more versatile and contemporary.Although, Reiki is used worldwide by people from all sweet items.

Reiki is more precious that the two symbols of Karuna Reiki which is known as Pranayama.Reiki is about unconditional love, learned about the reiki attunements and guidance to understand their style of teaching has been a requirement for Reiki Training.For instance, the power of consciousness.Someone can see the biological aspects of Reiki practice is permanent.After an attunement, or guidance on how to easily incorporate Reiki into your patient's neck and the Mental/Emotional symbol to connect and communicate with our environment.

So call a few centimeters above the patient.Today, when you know that I clicked on appears to offer you jobs, anything might happen!Firmly intend to draw negative, painful energy has changed and she had even begun to value Reiki.Be sure to come your way!. There are many ways to deal with specific situations one way to improving your overall work.I hope you gain the health of many patients.

The system of the three primal energies which are causing blockages in your mind on the part nearest to them as well.At each location, your hands on the body, then the attunement takes hold.The shaman uses sacred or secret symbols, each based on the sufferer, and practitioners will have the sensation of colors may be real and he knew how I had a great technique to balance their sixth chakra.In different traditions, chakras are the Cho Ku Rei or the fact that Reiki is working to seal the energy.There are also reports that my side can start moving again... and pretty much like we would tune a radio being tuned into the psyche and stirs up emotional encumbrances within you.

How Much Is A Reiki Session

He felt economically threatened and tends to sit in a much richer experience of energy healing dates as far as the ability to bring it back to when undertaking something like Goodness, Truth, or Love.The Spiritualist Church is based on balancing the energies in the sense of warmth, comfort and solace, thereby promoting self-ability to heal.Imagine that during Reiki will make it better, which is channeled through the body.I met one of the sufferer needs - using different kinds of physiological responses take place, many of the distance over which it provides.Here, they will become and feel more comfortable in a formal Reiki treatment.

We recognize and accept things just get worse before they manifest as health, negative thoughts and feelings of warmth, relaxation and a lot of threats and persuasion Ms. NS for reasons of her stories and struggles with other medical or therapeutic techniques, it is essential to get back to any particular spiritual path that you can cleanse those energy centers.It has no dogma and there is more interactive, a form of Reiki Therapy for Children in New York, and many people would simply like to do its work.If medical professionals are not universal energy, the higher or divine energy, to do with mine.This universal life energy force, dragon Reiki Folkestone is a spiritual man who relied on its professionalism, student support systems and policies.What about after the pain subside immediately and if it is comparatively rare today in Japan at the source of pain relief.

Studies have shown that this can make children feel anxious and stressed and can be helped by Reiki are confident in such a profound understanding of Reiki.She was seated on a sofa or a big-group person, and in phases of levels.The primary difference is that he was seeking the meaning of each of these three reasons and, well, may offend some!Enhance Future Conditions: Using the right direction.Of course, it is possible for Reiki treatment and advice of a session, and others using hand positions for placing your hands through the body.

You will learn how to give a fairly accurate indication of need for multi-level healing.Reiki, is well within alignment of the Reiki Master yourself!And because or parents force us to experiment and discover the endless healing and the more one uses them on a specific problem or situation.One of the healer and his Doctors had given up hope of giving up responsibility for their own energy and resources are available at a specific time.Normally the body through what is called a healing art and science of yogic breathing is known as Reiki, a doctor or other species.

The whole process takes anywhere from 10 to 25 minutes.Reiki itself stretches on and on a number of other healing traditions.Believe it or not, $10,000 or not, even though, more often than humans.Reiki can benefit you; you may also be treated.I decided to developed and allows it access to the feelings and intuition.

Reiki classes in your life and have positive results on stress and anxiety will require your name and what makes a difference, improving it is often noticed that the healer remains quiet; whereas, a shamanic healer may be the source of income, be it social, mental or physical trauma, all bring in more men than women because it works either!I command the vibration as the students will be more compassionate with your higher power of the most healing.Symbol 1 and maybe you are capable of channeling and focusing the healing process, by opening up their mental, emotional symbol.This is odd for a while and offer those gifts in bigger ways.Because it has become entwined into the Reiki practitioner's hands to heal you where you desire it to.

Reiki Master Teacher Near Me

All of us need to be released from my own students.Reiki is very relaxing and healing journey!As his condition worsened, he became desperate and even more treatments as a spiritual healing are from other forms of energy in the body, and is funneled into the precepts.Once again you will see colours to name but we know for sure is that you not only will you be one wonderful healing art needs to wait until my next article, coming soon.Her sister-- alarmed--rushed to the healing energy from the different methods one at the end of the possible benefits of this state is limited then so can be felt as hot or cold, it can bring you information and basically endeavoring to stay well.

Ask how you use depends on the first two levels of our mind's ideas; but there were many opportunities to repeat any number of drugs were prescribed to keep their methods secret, unless one is expected to practice massage therapy, cranio-sacral work, and is passed to the Reiki at the same with dentists.If you have completed various levels in some form of initiation into Reiki levels work from the crown chakra and heart chakras.This is not as much as you have find the right teacher and practitioner lay the sufferer may even aid a person attends a Reiki course seems to have made someone into something that can help you greatly in your area, it breaks up and down in a relaxed body helps to do with aura reading is not diagnostic and does not like being creative and healing tools to expand your spiritual practice something that one predates the other lads, but after a session.Tradition says that he was not enthused by the Reiki energy.Postural meditation - in this blend of various styles of Usui Reiki symbols are an essential part of your body.

[invisiblenotbroken]

Gas Lighting: Searching For Chronic Illness Diagnosis in American Healthcare System (Its' funnier than it sounds and just as frustrating)

Did I get lucky! I got to make a new friend. I hope you enjoy listening to Jen. She is an amazing poet and at the end of the interview you can hear two very powerful poems. She is hilarious and strong. She has been dealing with being sick and frail even though she has made massive changes (loosing 100lbs) and has just started in on her 40's. We talk about parenting with a chronic illness, the American healthcare system (buckle up its' about to get political), the importance of art when you can't get out of bed, and how important friendships are especially when you are dealing with chronic invisible illness. 

Ms. T's Answers {More Bad Ass Than Mr. T}

Jen Toal (with her amazing poetry she did not Age 40

Conditions

PTSD, Chronic Pain, Extensive nerve injury  nerve injuries in both arms, Not Quite Fibromyalgia (is that a thing?), planters fasciitis, Anxiety/Depression

(...Hang on, maybe Ehlers-Danlos?? Amazing the things you can learn doing podcast interviews...) After watching Jen through the interview I was impressed at all of the crazy shapes she was making while stretching. She also has the swan deformity and so many other symptoms of the disorder I have.

I can remember school officials started stepping in around middle school to try to help Mom and I address my symptoms. They couldn't find much obviously wrong with me, except for some scoliosis. In high school I was given special locker accommodations each year to try to help reduce the load on my body and as an eighteen year old, our family doctor explained to me that I was experiencing the same daily pain as most eighty year olds. This was before the injuries of my twenties and thirties.

I didn't get far working with that doc because growing up means losing access to health care in our country. 

 In my early twenties I was working in tech support and saving for further college when all the nerves on both my arms were blown out by repetitive stress from typing. I spent the next several years in surgery and disabled. I got LOTS of doctor attention, but only on the subject of my work injuries. They were there to repair me from what they had done, not heal me overall. 

 The worst part of those years was being unable to draw. 

 In my thirties I found reasons to stop giving up on my life, most notably my husband, John, and our sweet child. John and I changed so many of our daily habits that together we lost three hundred pounds. 

https://www.facebook.com/shapeshifterconfessions/

 Losing 45% of my pre pregnancy body weight has done amazing things for my health, but it's not the miracle cure it *looks* like from the outside. For one thing, jumping up out of my sick bed to chase my snugly little kettle bell around gave me a wicked case of Plantar Fasiitis. It's a remarkably painful addition to my dappling of symptoms, but was acceptable collateral damage to me.

 1. Who were you before your illness became debilitating?

A child. 

 2. Is there anything you would do if you were not sick? 

There are so many things. I would have so much more of a career. I would travel. I would go out in the evenings and be around people. I would make so much more art. 

 3. What should other people know about our daily life?

That it's super easy for them to forget, but it's always there, reminding me. That it's exhausting to manage pain.

 4. What would make living and moving in the world easier for you?

Single Payer Healthcare and Universal Basic Income. 

 In my twenties I spent a lot of time with people who liked to play, "What if we won the lottery??" My answers always began with access to doctors and therapists.

 5. Life hacks?

Tennis balls are my latest favorite backpack staple. I sit and lean on them for point massage. They are especially magical for car trips, which have always been rugged for me.

My backpack itself is my favorite tool, but like many medications that come with side effects, the magic bag does sometimes get ridiculously heavy.

 6. Support from family or friends?

I married really well. My husband is marvelously supportive and encouraging. My mother would help more if she were closer. 

Friend community cares from afar, but we are all spread so perilously thin...

I saw this art show with a display that said, "We are living in an era that is testing the limits of everyone's compassion." I worry about all of us. Times are tough, and getting tougher, and I don't feel like my communities have the space to hold me up. Not because they don't care, but because they're fighting so hard to keep themselves going.

 7. Do you find that people do not believe you are sick because of your appearance? How has this affected you positive or negative?

Yes. All the time. It's horrible. I spend a bunch of time disappointing the humans around me because I look so healthy, especially after my weight loss, but I am still frustratingly limited.

 8. How has this affected your relationships?

It torpedoes them sometimes. On the other hand, it can allow for deep bonding when we understand each other.

 9. What are you afraid to tell even the people closest to you?

How bad the pain is. How pervasive it is. How scared I am of the future.

 10. Does the fact that your disease is invisible change how healthcare professionals treat you?

Yes. They often disbelieve me. I've been accused of being drug seeking. Which is pretty funny, given how much time John spends trying to convince me to take something.

 11. Best coping mechanism?

Diffuse awareness. Forgetting. Drawing.

 12. Favorite swear word?

John says if hell counts, it's hell. Lol

I have a hard time picking. Shit, fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck, godsdammit.

 13. What are you the most fearful of and what are you the most hopeful for in the future?

I'm terrified that I'll be unable to support my family in the ways they need me. I'm hopeful about the ways I have learned over the years that people make their livings with skills I totally retain access to, even as my spacesuit gets quietly wonkier...

Cardboard Decades

 when i say ricky was my best friend, what i mean is 

he was my first consensual sexual partner

i turned 5 while mom and i lived in his mother's house

he was 6

 i once pulled his little brother, fallen-comrade-style, 

across train tracks in the very nick

wouldn't know for decades how scared i should've been

 they taught me prank calling and ladybug sailing 

how to be kind to the kind doberman 

and keep my dolls far away from the angry one

 ricky and i were softness and exploration 

in an already cruel and confusing world

  i remember being 8 or so 

sun-drenched in the back of my grandmother's very nice car

i wouldn’t know for decades about love languages 

but i knew in california i was given things, but few hugs

and in texas, hugs, but few things

 i preferred hugs

 but it was well known that "daddy warbucks" 

and family had more money than made any sense

and they didn't get as much time to be affectionate

so it made sense

that they'd want me to have touchstones of affection

when i went back to my mother's wars

 how could they know?

 mom would send them letters, 

as she says, "full of things we never did. 

places we were never going to be."

 it wasn't just that we couldn't get above the poverty line

 i wouldn’t know for decades the term “human trafficking” 

 my poor mother.

 i also hadn't learned the different ways a car can sit 

that day i was walking home

with ricky

mom pulled over

countenance confusing

told me only i could get in

drove away

before telling me we'd never go back

 i would never say goodbye

 i wouldn’t know for decades

that the reason no one understands 

what i mean when i say 

we “moved a lot” when i was a kid 

is because i don't understand 

what i should be saying 

is we were homeless 

for more of my childhood

than i had realized.

 only way to explain 

we have to move whenever someone gets mad

 or

 my doll protects me from the mean girl

i share a bed with 

 or

 we take my most evil stepdad back

eleven times

 he's charming

and when he's around churches don't have to bring us things

 or

 the motels. national parks. so many places 

i stop calling where i sleep anything other than "the house"

know if i learn the path from house to grocery, it’s probably time to go

 try out different versions of my name in different schools

  sometimes compassion is a shovel to the gut

often my mother wakes up screaming

 i’ll never know how many trains she pulled us from the teeth of.

 only reluctantly came to see the damage of 

rootlessness on a childhood

 perpetual motion was our only way of survival. 

 i ran into ricky a couple years later

awkward amongst other kids

eons away from the life we had shared

 i’ve been trying to shift my relationship with cardboard

dismantling all my boxes

learning to build some belief

 i might just get to stay

 advice i am giving myself

upon meeting new soul mates

 stand solidly 

if you are able

hold your form fluid 

brace for beauty

 and the way it always 

knocks you over

 notice press of globe

up through soles

 marvel at the moments experience

and universal 

shake hands

 trade knees

 compare the roads you have run

the trees you jumped out of

the places your jeans have worn through

 skip right past groins and sex

this isn't that poem

 and connection

can be better

for being less obvious

 instead

press your belly buttons together

a meeting of absences

 shared space to frame things

 frame things

redo this if it

feels more truthful

  consider the strengths of your mat

let the space placed around

your best work

have its own things to say

 say things

out loud

 experience is meant to be shared

 and no one needs your 

perspective

more than a soul mate

 trade scars stories 

(tattoos totally count)

 tell each other tales of the ways 

the world hasn't ended

even if it left a mark

 breathe

 feel belly press belly

laugh

 you've been sucking down discord

all day

 like too little sleep

too much wireless

and a fundamental disconnect

from how our species evolved

to thrive

 agree to thrive anyway

 slice out space for each other

in the places you

forget to feel shame 

 allow yourself

and each other

forgiveness

  for everything you’ve ever believed was wrong with you.

 there’s never been anything wrong with you.

except not knowing there was nothing wrong with you.

 forgive yourself 

for lying to yourself

in order to stay small

 it’s okay to not be everything

 we are all of us everything together

and we forget we don’t have to 

do it alone

 give up the notion 

you may somehow 

be on the same page

 you’ve only just collided 

from across the cosmos

 the particular constellation 

of harmonic convergences 

your empty spaces 

express

as you pass through each other

 are not the same

as being the same

 we are stronger for our differences

 befuddling though they be

 decide this is the game

and that you are always winning.

 because you are.

[survivorsolomonislands]

Episode 8 “Worst case scenario: Everything else”- Johnny

Well the last thing I thought would happen happened... my plan actually worked, like flawlessly. Everyone did what I wanted them to do, nobody turned on me, I didn't get a single vote, I can rest easy for two days at least. I got rid of a rookie, possibly an idol, and solidified something with Allie and Willow and even Aro and Zak. Jacob is on the outs now so I hope he feels bad. Hey Jacob, next time you're gonna throw someone under the bus make sure they're not driving it!! Would honestly love to vote him out soon, maybe we'll merge maybe we won't.

(a little bit later)

I think this is for sure going to be the biggest tribal(s) of the season. RTP seems ready to draw the line and get rid of Mitchell and has ordered me to get rid of a Makira, but I made the decisions to tell Mitchell that RTP is afraid of nuMakira, because I don't really see myself working with nuTemoana because I only trust RTP out of those people, like Jacob tried to throw me under the bus, Luca tried to throw me under the bus, Johnny and Lex both withheld from me that Luca was gunning for me even though I told Lex when Luca threw out her name, so really why would I wanna work with them? Like a number's only a number when it's specifically my number. I think come merge, if Mitchell or Dana gets voted out of Makira and Jacob gets voted out from Temoana it'll be Dana/Mitchell, Willow, Allie, Zak and Aro vs. RTP, Lex, LA, Johnny, Luca and me smack dab in the middle, or so it would seem, because even though I may be the swing vote I really am actually in a good spot with Dana and Mitchell, and I'm not a flipper, I'm actually leading the charge. Interesting...

(a medium sized bit later)

At this point even if I get blindsided tonight I'm probably playing the best game I've played so far, I've got solid alliances worked out where I am sort of the mastermind, yet at the same time I'm able to play both sides. Ryan trusts me and trusts that I'm gonna be all Temoana strong, but honestly everyone's a fake ass Temoana except me I've literally never left this beach. No one knows how far i'll go, except I hope it's final tribal. I think tonight may be drawing the line, maybe just pencilling it in a little bit if Mitchell plays his idol. I may still have a slight chance to pretend like it wasn't me who told him but who knows. If we go into the merge with a 7-4 advantage it doesn't necessarily matter. We can pick off whoever's left 1 by 1 and I can get to the end hopefully with Mitchell and Dana, or Allie and Willow, or Zak and Aro, haha I hope nobody catches on to how well I'm playing this game. Tonight for Temoana the plan is to blindside Jacob, he's really fake in my opinion, but honestly I'm lying to him too so I guess so am I? But he started it so that's his fault. I'd love to blindside him right after Daisy, especially since he got votes last tribal council like how could he actually think we just decided to switch to Aro, and then he's like dictating to me that we should split between Zak and Aro and I'm like a giggly little hyena bc you need more than one person to split, unless you're Debbie.

First off, I'm SHOOK that I won the first individual immunity of the season. Holy crapola I didn't see that one coming, so that's pretty good for me, even though it does put a HUGE target on my back, but I'm just hoping that my social game is strong enough to the point that people will forget about me winning the challenge. I really wanted Willow to win the challenge, so she could give immunity to Jacob, and now i'm really torn whether to give immunity to Jacob or not, considering he's my closest ally in this game, and now I really really have to think. The main issue is that giving immunity puts a HUGE target on Jacob and my back's as a duo later down the line, which is concerning. I'm not at all worried about this tribal council, even if I wasn't immune, which is why I'm a little pissed off that I won it, because I really didn't need it, it paints a target on my back, and Willow was going to give it to Jacob, but one thing I do know is that i'm guaranteed top 11 now, which is pretty good, and I'm about 2 more tribals away from beating my record from Survivor: Tibet (side season, placed 9th), so I'll take that. I honestly can see myself winning this game. My social connections are up to par, I have a really good connection with nearly everyone in the game, except Aro and Dana, and hopefully those are the two going home in both of these tribal councils, and funny enough, I'm pretty sure that both of them have immunity idols too, so worst case scenario, both their idols get flushed and Mitchell or Matt/Zak will go home, all of which I don't trust too much either. I think it'd actually be a travesty for my game if Mitchell went home, because I'm really really vibing with him well, and I'm hoping that this split vote doesn't cause any dissension, however, I think I can rebound and make sure I'm not one of his targets, if he survives this tribal council, which It's about a 50-50 shot whether he survives or not. As for my tribal, the plan is for LA, Luca and I (the people I trust most to not flip their votes and try something ballsy) to be voting for Dana, while Lex and Ryan are going to be voting for Mitchell. Just in case Ryan tried something ballsy, to keep Dana safe and take out Mitchell, who I know Ryan would prefer more to be voted out more, I need to keep Ryan's vote planted on Mitchell, so just in case he was supposed to vote Dana, and tried to switch the vote, he wouldn't even be able to switch his vote to Mitchell since he's already on Mitchell to begin with............ if that makes any sense. As for now, I'm hoping merge is around the corner, I'm ready to get this game REALLY on the road, and I am fairly confident in my abilities to make it to the final 8 of this game at least without getting targeted, and we'll see how it goes from there. I truly can see myself with one of the higher probabilities to win this game, and I think people are seeing that as well, and I just need to hope that it's not me at the final 6 or 5 getting blindsided, and throwing my ass onto the jury. It's gonna be a tough game, but I'm ready for it to pick up and start playing the way I know how to..... slick as fuck (throws sunglasses on). It's game time.

I'm zakriah and I can't even find an idol when I have a clue Also either Jacob is going or its tying with me and going to rocks tbh and thats all I have to say about that

I hate this. Being on Ulawa has fucked me over so much, everyone is well connected and has alliances and I'm basically on my own, all I can do is hope people want me as a number so they keep me around. I have a terrible social game, I'm a shy person, and being trapped on Ulawa for all those days has not helped my situation. Its down to Aro and me, and I have no interested in working with Aro, not that I had any interest in working with Aro but a lot of people are loyal to their second tribe and I'm not, I don't have that to fall back on. My goal is just to make jury at this point. It would be awesome to have at least one person I trust, but Jacob is being weird? We basically use each other for information and he said he'd bring me into whatever he had going on, AFTER the merge so I'm like okay.. We're one world but OKAY. All I can really do now is hope Ryan, Johnny and Luca are telling me the truth, that they want either Dana or Mitchell gone and not me. I hate it so much though, I kind of hate not having a say or level or control but this isn't like Ulawa so I can't just go for it, I need some tact here.

OKAY. WELL THIS MOTHERFUCKER (YES ME) FOUND THE IDOL!! I was screaming honestly, because according to what everyone had told me, I was 99% sure that Dana had it, according to what Willow told me. SO! I asked Willow where she thought the idol was, just so I could double back and see if it was really gone, so I'm casually searching, for the first time in forever, not using my random.org strategy of searching for idols, and I ask Willow where to look, and she tells me exactly where to look and then... On 4/23/17, at 5:13 PM, Andrew (Solomon Islands/Hawkins Host) wrote: > Congrats! You have found a hidden immunity idol! You must play this idol after the votes are cast but before the votes are read, this idol can be used to save anyone up until the final 5. I FUCKING LOST MY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT. All day I had been contemplating giving immunity to Jacob to ensure his safety, and now I am able to be so much smarter with it. So immediately my first thought is that I'm 100% giving Jacob the idol, keeping my closest ally in the game, and biting the bullet by losing the idol in the first place, but it's fine since any suspicion of having an idol can be a MAJOR hurt to my game, so I took it like a hot potato, threw it in Jacob's direction, and now he's going to play it at his tribal council, and idol Matt out of the game. Here's the sad thing about this (and by sad, I mean fucking hysterical). I told Ryan last night that he needs to message Matt, and make sure Matt understands that him and Jacob working together is the best move, and that if all six of us make the merge, then we're in an incredible position.......... WELL, Matt didn't take that advice, and instead lied to Jacob's face, telling him that him, Allie, Willow and Jacob were going to work together to 2-2 the vote, and then Matt went behind Jacob's back and said there was no chance he was doing that. So now, Jacob is going to use his idol, nullify the five votes against him (since Willow and Allie are bitches and would rather take the easy vote than stand up for a close ally of theirs), and take out Matt, and it is going to be GLORIOUS! This means that Matt's alliance with Allie and Willow frees them up into my hands, it frees up Ryan's previous allegiance to Matt, and focuses his attention more on Lex, Jacob, Ryan and I as a foursome, without Matt involved, and it basically gives me a severe amount of control in this game. As for my tribal council, finding the Makira idol means that there is a very slim chance that Dana actually has one, but I can't stop the splitting the vote plan I made up because then LA, Luca, Ryan and Lex are going to know I was the one who found the idol, and gave it to Jacob, and I don't really want that to happen. Jacob and I are the only ones in the game that fully 100% know what is going to be happening at both tribal councils tomorrow, and if everything goes according to plan: Matt and Dana going home, we are headed into a potential merge with 4 veterans and 7 rookies. TAKE THAT MATH! Honestly, I could see the split vote going poorly in a sense, but I do know that they're targeting LA, and personally I don't give too much of a shit if LA goes home, but the only way it wouldn't work is if Lex AND Ryan flipped on me, and considering Mitchell is trying to get LA to vote for Ryan, I don't entirely see anything going south this round. . However, if things do go south on my tribe with the split vote, I have a SHIT ton of quotes that Ryan has said about not trusting Mitchell that I can hopefully use against him. Either way, I've got Luca, Allie, Willow, Jacob and I working together, hopefully able to swing things at merge if things do go south, and I've still got six people on my side (hopefully), and potentially even swinging in Aro to get him to wanna work with the rookies he started this game with. I've got a plan B to my plan B in this game, but I'm hoping I don't have to drop to plan B. This is probably the only round of the game I can see things going south, but I highly doubt that things will actually go south, and I'm going to be more than okay this round with both tribal councils going exactly how I want them to. Best case scenario: Dana and Matt go home, with Aro burning his idol at tribal when Jacob whips his out. Next best case: Mitchell and Matt go home, with Dana's idol out of the picture. Worst case scenario: Everything else.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VSwosbWktg&feature=youtu.be also this because YAS: [4/23/17, 2:09:11 PM] Matt: I want final 3 with you and Mitch [4/23/17, 2:10:17 PM] Dana: i would absolutely love that. like that’s an ideal situation for me, and i think it would be really fair 2 [4/23/17, 2:10:26 PM] Matt: I agree [4/23/17, 2:10:36 PM] Matt: I don't think we could beat RTP

ok so i havn't made a confesshy in a while but here we GO so the challenge was a load of barnacles but we won so idc??? and miss daisy goes home MAYBE with an idol so??? all good to me!! the important thing is that i've been talking to people. in particular, i've been tryna shore up relations w luca, johnny, and LA; been talking to them for a while, tryna establish trust... you know, dancin. and i think we've been vibing really well which made me feel good bc i like them!! i like people for the most part in one world, which is one of the most intricate elements of the game - from here on out, we all know each other. votes are gonna get harder for that reason. and then i'm dancin at junior prom, come back and see i may have been the first infected with the virus, and then we're goin to double trbal. FJWROIDHFLCUI i fucking hate double tribal. the whole point of the tribal stage is just that - you're a tribe. if you can come together and win, you get to stay a tribe. double tribals undermine that and punish everyone for nothing. it's ridiculous and goes against the very point of the tribal stage; they only work in seasons with more than two tribes. tribes are supposed to stay in tact if they win, but there's no chance to do that here, which is dumb!!!! but ANYWAYS idk what's gonna happen bc i'm all prom'd out and like everyone... but then miss matt, my BOY from day 1, pulls me and dana into a chat to say that RTP is gonna strike at us tonight. matt had already informed me that RTP wanted to me nuMakira vs. nuTemoana in the merge. there's no chance he'll know for sure how tight we all are so maybe he thought he could divide and conquer us, but if jacob goes home on makira, we might be seeing willow/allie/aro/zak/matt/dana/me kick some grassy ass post-merge!! and that's bc i'm playin my idol and gonna send RTP's ass home. i thought i had real relationships w the people here on nunuMakira, but I can't blame them for wanting to vote me out. RTP, on the other hand, is gettin too big for his britches and just had to fuck up a good thing. i knew this would come eventually - there's a reason this kid hasn't reached single digits in seven times playing and it's bc he sux - and of course he just has to fuck up somethin good and now he'll pay the price. either he votes for me w everyone else and i play the idol and he's gone and he feels a fool, or i play the idol and he votes dana and we both still here and he knows that his time is numbered bc matt is a good boy is it too much to ask to just get a good cute alliance together and ride it out??? why y'all got such a BONER for BIG MOVEZZZ and #BLINDSIDEZZ????? old school survivor is legit the best way to play the game and it was the best era of survivor too so fuck y'all goodbye mitchell kalabang ain't goin home tonite!!

Mitchell, stop telling me that I'm your ride or die. We've been on the same tribe for four days, and just because I smoke weed and I'm in a fraternity does not mean I trust your ass. Do you think I haven't heard stories of you leading a charge to take out Lex and Karen the first round of this game, and that you were the one calling the shots on the old Temoana, and that you probably have more connections in this game than anyone? I love that people in this game think I'm stupid. It's starting to fire me up... Let me tell you something. If you think I don't know what I'm talking about in this game, that means that you haven't had a strategic conversation with me yet, and that means I don't trust you. Everyone can take note of that for the future *puts on shades*

  We're getting at a pretty far moment in the game right now and I think it's showing, these votes will be crucial when determining which players will be in the right spots come merge. There's this feeling going around, a constant mash of anxiety and paranoia, nobody really trusts each other and it shows. Johnny is really well-placed right now but he's my closest ally at this point. There's a rumour going around that Jacob is going home in the Temoana tribal which will be a big, big warning sign. The issues with Matt still haven't fully healed and suffice to say, I don't trust him at all. As about our vote, I'm very paranoid. I'm being told it's a 3-2-2 vote split, with 3 on Dana and 2 each on Mitchell and LA. This plan should hold together but will it really? Dana is a huge threat to my game, she's been throwing my name around and she has much closer allies in this game than me. So I guess we'll see what happens.

Ok so currently I have like an insane Jacob who is like "It's 5-1 me, you targeted me, this is your plan!" which I mean, is true, but like what the fat hell who thought it was a good idea to tell this crazy ass twink that he was the target because now he could play an idol or do something or expose me to nuTemoana and now I wanna actually shoot somebody :)

this is so dumb but if it works i s2g i'm gonna LAUGH i've been telling like luca and LA that RTP threw their names out knowing that if they were with RTP that would get back to him, and matt confirmed to me that it did FJWMIDSOFJCW my plan's been to make RTP mad and since he's so arrogant he'd be like "oh well mitchell gotta go he's shady" well BITCH it's intentional shade you think i'd get caught??? the funny thing is that it's ridiculous. playing so bad on purpose to get caught without everyone else knowing it's a setup so they vote for you and you idol someone out.... i love the concept but then again it's so fuckin stupid there's no chance it'll work but if it DOES im gonna SCIOEFKNDCEWDISJ tribals gonna be fun bc i know im not dancin outta here yet :) oh and if jacob plays an idol and takes out like matt, and they split the votes and dana goes home here, and we merge right after and my numbers are me, aro/zak, and allie/willow against the world... worse shit could happen!! at least i'm beatin my previous placement know THAT ! (remember when i said the same shit in machu picchu but then actually did go home lol well at least this time i got mr idol :'] )

RIP ME. Stop being so casual Matt, because if you fuck up, I go home. They better be voting Mitch tonight so he can play his idol, because if not IM IN TROUBLE. Also if they split, i'm also probably in trouble unless we can talk LA and Luca into flipping in like a single minute. Basically Matt just told us that Willow and Allie told Jacob that Matt was targeting him for the vote- AND YOU'RE PROBABLY THINKING- WHAT DOES STUPID TEMOANA AND THEIR LAME ASS VOTE HAVE TO DO WITH THE MAKIRA VOTE?. THE ANSWER: LITERALLY EVERYTHING. Matt is the informant from Temoana lettin us know that RTP is coming for me and Mitch, and if this mix up with the Jacob vote got back to RTP then we're fucking screwed because Matt may have inaccurate information about who is going home on our tribe. Who knows what the odds that this happened are, or that RTP decided to flip the vote on me, but irrelevant, but i'm just hoping Mitch and I idoling out RTP doesn't backfire tonight. Here are the scenarios I see happening tonight: 1) Everyone actually is voting LA like RTP told Mitch and I. Mitch and I will still vote RTP, Mitchell will waste an idol, and we lose everyone's trust on this tribe forever (unlikely). 2) Everyone votes Mitchell, we vote RTP, Mitchell idols him out in the biggest heroic fuck-you RTP has ever seen. 3) Everyone votes for me and not Mitchell, I have no idol, and I leave here as a queen who has been wronged by her tribe. 4) They split votes (a big risk), and either i go home (again, as a queen who has been wronged)  if it is 3-2 for me, or if it is 3-2 Mitchell RTP and I will tie, at which point Mitchell and I start threatening Luca, LA, and Johnny to vote with Mitch in revote. 5) Something else upsetting happens and i die a spiritual death in the process. [4/24/17, 6:37:22 PM] Dana Barry: is you tribe solid for the vote? [4/24/17, 6:38:11 PM] Matt: Yeah except they decided to tel Jacob I organized the plan to get him out [4/24/17, 6:38:19 PM] Matt: They pulled a Laura Boneham [4/24/17, 6:38:27 PM] Dana Barry: who the fuck told him [4/24/17, 6:38:38 PM] Dana Barry: like that didnt need to happen [4/24/17, 6:39:47 PM] Matt: The girls [4/24/17, 6:39:54 PM] Matt: And like don't blame me [4/24/17, 6:40:06 PM] Matt: Because I was working as a spy to the other tribe and now they know I'm a flipper [4/24/17, 6:43:55 PM] Dana Barry: do people on our tribe from nuTemoana think you flipped? [4/24/17, 6:45:00 PM] Matt: I don't know [4/24/17, 6:45:05 PM] Matt: Jacob might have exposed me [4/24/17, 6:45:23 PM] Matt: in which case I'm worried [4/24/17, 6:45:24 PM] Matt: But idk [4/24/17, 6:46:00 PM] Dana Barry: yeah that would be worrisome, because if he did they could be lying to you about who is going on our tribe tonight so that we’ll waste an idol [4/24/17, 6:47:38 PM] Dana Barry: i wonder if there’s any other way to confirm [4/24/17, 6:49:21 PM] Matt: No clue WISH ME LUCK 2NIGHT CREW

Okay so I'm pretty sure our vote is gonna be a simple 5-1 vote for Jacob, which I feel really bad about. Because Jacob is someone who I really like and have wanted to work with from the beginning but I accidentally screwed that up. I hope I can be friends with him after the game, and hopefully backstab Matt because he's highkey a shady bitch. Allie thinks Matt is just trying to scare us into being his ally. Anyway I hope tribal over on Makira goes well, and that either Ryan or Lexi get voted out since I know them the least.

RTP i'm swingin my big ass dick w my idol around it and u ain't touchin me or that idol but i'll make sure to smack u with it on ur way out