#trust this shit is scripted out EVERYWHERE

[bitethedevil]

What do you like about the character of Raphael ?

A Feral Love Letter to the Devil We Know

Oh boy. Here’s my list of why Raphael is like catnip to me (it’s not short and it is possibly a bit extra deranged because I am currently sick).

Purely physical things that convince me that this man was made for me in a lab:

Brown eyes and dark hair has always been my type

The slight stubble and those cheekbones (generally just his whole facial structure is beautiful)

The fucking n o s e <3 <3

Those thick thighs (perfectly sittable and bitable). He is just perfectly shaped.

Those hands he waves in your face all the time and those long fingers (does things to me)

His clothes. Yes, even in cambion form and even the silly clown boots, I love them. It is just all too extra, and I live for it

Everything about his cambion form

I have this crazy theory. There has been made these studies that depending on hormone levels, women are attracted to different kinds of men. At one end of their cycle, they prefer more ‘feminine’ looking men, and on the other end they prefer more traditionally ‘masculine’ looking men. If I get tired of his human form, I get more attracted to his cambion form and the cycle repeats. I think that is why I just do not get tired of staring at this stupid man every day. I know I’m not crazy. It’s science (and we all know I’m a trusted scientist).

Non-physical things that intrigue me:

How expressive he is. I love how his face changes constantly and dramatically with each sentence he speaks. It’s mostly an act but he is so charismatic. He has ‘rizz’ like the kids would say.

I can’t fix him. I don’t want to. His mind games intrigue me. I want to study him like a bug and play mind games with him too (I’m not delusional enough to think I’d win). Let it be toxic as fuck on both parts.

This man is just chucking stones from his glass house like there is no tomorrow. He plays such a big bad devil, but he is really just a little wet cat with a god complex and daddy issues. Not to mention his little hissy fits if any of his perceived weaknesses are pointed out. I find it endearing (unfortunately).

His voice and his eloquence. I love it. Even his shitty poetry. I could listen to it for eternity.

He is so smart. I have been shouting it from the roof tops: he is not stupid. He is always ten steps ahead.

He’s honest. He doesn’t lie and you know where you’ve got him (if you know how to keep up with him).

Genuinely everyone thinks he sucks, both devils and mortals, and yet he thinks he is the shit, either genuinely or as a coping mechanism.

He just such a nuances character if you really dig into it.

Things I relate to:

The scheming and overthinking. Everything is meticulously thought out to the point of obsession. He is playing 4D chess but doesn’t even consider that the other players might just eat the pieces to win. He strikes me as someone who completely overcomplicates things for no reason, and I felt that.

His idea of order is very different from what’s actually orderly. It just has to make sense to him, like ‘what do you mean it’s not orderly to have dead people lying around, trash everywhere, and debtors running around aimlessly in my house? Completely intentional. What’s not clicking?”. I felt that too. There is order to my chaos, and you don’t have to understand it. I get it.

He’s a cringy theater kid with a love for poetry too.

I too find it annoying when other people don’t follow the script I had in mind for the conversation.

Just human enough to understand how human interactions works, but either doesn’t give a shit or genuinely thinks that just spouting vaguely threatening poetry to strangers is a completely normal thing to do.

The obsession and ambition that just completely makes him lose the plot of everything else.

He is just so obsessed with everything being perfect to a point where it almost seems silly.

Acts like he doesn’t care, but actually cares A LOT about how other people perceive him.

I could honestly keep going but you get the picture.

(Thank you for the ask <3)

[mirlvshft]

yk something i’m so excited for when i shift? not having a fucking period. i am tired of this, i’m SUFFERING.

[james-stark-the-writer]

alright, let's keep moving with that DCEU watch bc i have the time today. time for David F. Sandberg's Shazam! Fury of the Gods (2023). here's to hoping this has retained the spirit and heart of the original and improved the superhero aspects because they were the worst part of Shazam! (2019).

i've been trying to get a more accurate video player setup working for like 2 hours, i was using basically stock MPC-BE for the most part but some of the images looked a little soft to me even compared to something basic like a VLC (which i only really keep for its subtitle downloading feature bc it's the easiest to use, and tbh it could've been using sharpening filters, i didn't really check) and Potplayer (which is the only way i can get two subtitles to display simultaneously for media with multiple subs like fansubs or different translations or something, and also it's got like pretty good video output). i tried to look into MPV and the amount of work and scripts everyone was recommending kind of broke me, so i'm just using like the base form of mpv.net bc it's got a GUI, with like GPU decoding turned on which was the one common thing everyone recommended from my research.

hopefully this is better image quality then like standard VLC stuff and my previous MPC-BE setup though i obviously haven't sat through entire movies to compare frame by frame, so beware that if i say anything about the visuals it might not be the most accurate. MPV is supposed to be the most accurate and flexible option around but i don't know how much futzing around people do with it and there's a lot of like upscaling and downscaling scripts for no fucking reason, which is kind of antithetical to the entire point of accuracy to me, but it's fine. i'm just sticking to the base options and hoping it's good and better than what i had. the image does look just a tad sharper to me than in VLC and MPC so i don't know if they have sharpening filters on or something, but this is like the most base form with nothing changed (except the subtitle font) so i cannot imagine they are messing with the video signal with too much filtering. i tried to look into madVR and MPC-HC and got them installed and almost lost my mind trying to get it set up bc there's no real guides anywhere so don't fucking tell me to go look up madVR bc i will kill you. maybe some other day when i have 15 hours to dedicate to going through forums to try to find something that works for me and get enough knowledge to understand what the fuck everybody's talking about, maybe i'll check it out. i cannot believe there's not like some fucking guide for some anime noob because you know those anime people are on the cutting edge of video tech and playback for accuracy, that there's not some fucking guide for people that don't know what they're doing. i mean it's not that i don't know what i'm doing, it's that there's so much fucking shit to sort through that it would be nice if somebody narrowed it down for me. there's nothing even on YouTube or like some shitty github page or an old reddit comment or something, trust me i've like checked fucking everywhere i could think of but if i missed something, please feel free to link it somewhere in the comments or something, i don't know.

anyway, that is entirely an aside, that's just a forewarning that if i do say something about the visuals and you think it's not accurate to what the movie looks like or is not properly representative of the movie, feel free to take it with a grain of salt. i'm trying out something new.

[ch1lde-mora]

thoma x stage manager! reader

hi!! i started this last year while i was in the middle of one of my most stressful gigs, and it was because of said job that i didn't finish it but it's out! under the cut - kisses from v

original note from the doc: Stressed stage manager reader (totally not based off personal experience 💪 stage manager solidarity dude this shit is hard) (totally didn’t write this while my cast gc was blowing up)

“...Hello? Yes, that’s me.. I know, we have a rehearsal tomorrow… What do you mean, ‘I can’t make it to this rehearsal’?! It’s almost like you haven’t been to any rehearsals! …… I understand you’re busy, but I’m also busy covering for you. I have more than just you to manage, so either you keep missing rehearsals - which is totally on you, and only reflects on you and your performance, by the way - or you find someone to replace you. My god..” 

Hanging up the phone, you covered your face with your hands and groaned. There was a moment of silence afterwards before you burst out laughing; out of stress and exhaustion more than anything.  

“No fucking way they’re missing another rehearsal… What, did they go and get another hangover like that last time? They’re fucking impossible.” You mumble, feeling absolutely beside yourself. 

Just then, you heard a knock on the door.

“Y/N? May I come in? Who were you talking to?” Ah, yes. The love of your life- you had nearly forgotten amidst all the mess. 

Speaking of mess, Thoma opened the door a smidge and slipped inside of your bedroom, taking it all in for a moment. To say it was a disaster would be a drastic understatement. There were scripts and paper scraps from reformatting your scripts all over the floor as well as spare glue sticks, pieces of tape and not two but three pairs of scissors for said paper. Not to mention, you looked absolutely miserable. There were bags under your eyes as you held up the pencil with a bit of an irregular shake to your hands, trying desperately to write more notes down. 

“Hey, Thoma.. Just another actor on the phone. They just can’t show up to rehearsal. Again. Just like the last time, and the time before. I’ll be out with you in a moment, I just have to finish this-” Before you could even finish talking, Thoma was already lifting you out of your chair and carrying you out of that cluttered room.

“You’re not finishing a thing until I see you alive and well. That means you need a nice meal, a bath and some rest. Trust me on this, please.” He spoke to you in a tone comparable to a teacher as he brought you to the dining room, sitting you down at your chair and then heading to the kitchen. 

You sighed, remembering a past experience similar to this. He wouldn’t relent no matter how much you begged him to go back to work, and eventually he laid with you and cuddled on the couch until you fell asleep soundly. Then, he was cleaning your office and making sure you had a comfortable space to work in.

You didn’t feel like you wanted to burden him more than you seemingly ‘already had’, so you gave in and let him cook your favourite food for you.

“Thoma, can I help you? Like, at all? It’s not fair for you to be cleaning and cooking everywhere and me just sitting here eating the food that you so graciously made for me- which, thank you, by the way- but still, it’s not fair!”

Looking over at you with a large smile on his face, he shook his head. “No can do, love. Besides, you know I like cooking especially if it’s for you. So shhh, let me handle this. I got it, I promise.”

And so you sat and you waited for him to make that meal that you didn’t realize you sorely missed; it had been a little while since he made it, but it took a little bit longer than just sticking an instant meal in the microwave and dealing with the shitty taste. Time you still felt like you were running out of.

Before long, a plate was deposited in front of you as well as your beautiful boyfriend. “All ready, just the way you like it!” He grinned from ear to ear and it was hard not to feel your heart jump out of your chest. “Thank you, again.. I do still have lots to do, but I suppose I can take tonight to relax.” 

“Attagirl. I’m going to start running your bath now, and then I can-” You cut him off quickly with a ‘shhh’, shaking your head. “Just the bath is enough, really. I know the office is a mess, but it’s an organized mess that I need to take care of myself. Besides, you’ve done so much for me today already!” He resigns, standing up from his chair and giving you a chaste kiss on the cheek. “If you say so, but once you’re done your bath you and I are going to bed.” You nod, accepting this deal.

After he leaves the room, you finish the meal quickly with a voracity you forgot you had. Really, his cooking is unmatched. Once complete, you made your way to the bathroom and admired his work.

Thoma had gone through the trouble of adding rose petals to the bath, laying out everything you might possibly need. He was just putting the finishing touches on the setup when he noticed you leaning against the doorframe with a smile.

“This is really sweet of you, Thoma. Thank you for taking care of me.” You blushed as he came up to you and kissed you softly before stepping to the side. “No need to thank me, really. I like doing this for you, Y/N.” He slipped past you out of the room and left you to your own privacy.

After taking about an hour to relax in the bath and wash up, you finally decided that the water was too cold and fingers too pruned for your taste. Stepping out and changing into the clean, fuzzy pajamas he laid out for you, you crept into the bedroom to find him at lamplight reading a book.

“Hello, love. How was your bath?” He asked, putting the book to the side and beckoning you into his arms. “It was really nice, thank you for it again. I know I’ve been a lot lately, and really it won’t end until show season is over, but I appreciate your patience.” You replied, settling against his chest with a soft smile.

“Always, honey. Whatever you need. Now, let’s get some rest shall we?” You closed your eyes and found sleep with him rather easily, letting you of your work - even just for one evening.

[turtlesocksv2]

Liveblogging DFF episode 9

last time we checked in, Non was having just the Worst Time Possible, everyone was trying to cover their asses and Phi was entering into Murder/Detective Mode.

i know i've said it before but god the opening credits are SO GOOD. i don't think we appreciate them enough.

We're back in the present day! it's been so long! Tan is fucking brave to fight Fluke for the gun.

IT'S WHITE WITH THE STEEL CHAIR TRIPOD! BAH GOD THAT MAN HAD A FAMILY! love you white you're doing amazing sweetie.

...there was just a water bottle there at the shrine? and it looked opened? are you actually going to drink that? at least you smelled it first??? Ahhhh but notice Phi doesn't drink it! he lets Jin drink it but doesn't do it himself! my sus king.

"Why are you being so nice to me" i mean, dude is at least nominally your friend and you dislocated your shoulder or whatever and there's a killer out there after you guys? i think that'd be cause enough for Phi to be nice lmao. I get it though, Jin, i get it.

Aha, so we've got some timeline stuff. PhiJin absolutely happened POST PhiNon, which i had seen some intriguing theories that maybe PhiJin was actually first but this is confirmation otherwise. also that Jin very much had feelings for Phi but Phi was the one pushing the friends agenda, which we mostly knew.

Jin on that "you like Tan!" shit again, no wonder Phi didn't want to be in a relationship with your insecure self lmao. Tan is just his Bestie who helps with his Plucky Girl Detectiving, no big deal.

Once again, Jin sees things that Phi doesn't. shortly after the water. Hallucinogen maybe? guilty conscience definitely.

well that's one way to snap him out of the panic

slight detour inspired by the blood splatter everywhere in this shrine is that if the Janta Cult isn't real/doesn't play a part in this somehow, I'm going to be so upset. why bring up perfectly good murder cults if you're not going to give us the payoff? BOC? Dr Sammon I just have questions! (that said, the theory that the mafia is using the cult rumors as a front for a body dumping ground is intriguing.)

Oh ho, Phi's gonna confess everything to Jin! but will it really be everything? 👀

poor Phi is so conflicted. he's hurt, but he loves Non but he doesn't want to see him but he doesn't want to end up like his divorced parents, he can't stop thinking about it, he regrets what he said, but he still so hurt.

Non's dad got transferred. interesting.

Ooooh Phi found the picture! and the real script!

Non's mom knows Phi. I wonder if she knew they were boyfriends of if she thought they were just friends. lmao at her Ring The Doorbell You Shady Shit, Were You Raised In A Barn?

New contacting Phi as the news breaks...the drama. i love it.

Tan is New confirmed!

OOOF. major oof. "aren't you sad i'm going to England?" "Whether you're here or not doesn't make a difference" just ouch.

He may have been a Not Great brother in your life, Non, but in your death New/Tan is going to Get Answers and Get Justice! giving up a scholarship in England, lying to his parents about it...Tan is going to Fuck Shit Up.

Jin, get your 'there's a cute boy around!!!!" face under control.

Tan just dives right in to asking questions and these bitches are so fucking sus from the word 'go'. yeah, they clearly have something to do with Non disappearing.

lmao Jin does not stand a fucking chance against Phi's seduction.

i am dying at Tan's "You didn't study, dumbass" on his ankle. Top's face is Too Funny.

Aww, White waiting for Tee after school and the group roasting them is really cute.

Phi how dare you take Jin to your and Non's spot! so rude! can't trust men at all, the second you disappear he's taking another man to the place you became boyfriends.😂 Jin awkwardly trying to figure out of this means Phi likes him back is cute.

Why Jin, how bold! asking Phi to stay the night!

oh damn this is full on full on, okay. Ta's ass just out there bare. "don't worry, i won't be too harsh i don't want to dislocate your shoulder" "who fucks so hard they dislocate a shoulder?" somewhere else in Bangkok VegasPete's ears are burning. Anyway, Phi was like 'don't test me, i'm being gentle for YOUR sake.' and that's the Minor Family Theerapanyakul in Ta. i was absolutely waiting for that astronaut dog figurine to fall lmao.

Tan going for the kill with that Did You Cheat On My Brother. Tan i'm sorry but not only is your brother most likely dead but Phi and Non are actually very broken upright now, no matter how much Phi wishes neither of those were true. Phi is in the clear here re: Cheating. He is not in the clear for manipulating Jin into sleeping with him, but like, Jin's into it so whatever for now.

"Fuck him however much you want but don't fall in love. He's with those assholes so he's also an asshole" i mean! He's not wrong! Jin is a good looking nice boy he could absolutely find other friends. the fact that he stays with these fuckheads......

poor Non's parents.

these teenage boys have better skincare routines than I do and I'm

Jin just pass Phi a note in class: Do U Like Me Check Yes Or No

Ah, Jin has such bad timing. Everything about this is brutal. but lol this makes the 2nd boy in a row that Jin likes that doesn't like him back.

Tan doing chemistry shit. he's gonna be drugging everyone i just know it. also, never ever have your cellphone out in a lab and never answer it with your gloves on! Lab Safety 101!!!!

damn, Tan, you could have at least made up a part time job in england or something so that your parents didn't have to sell their house. this entire family's been ripped apart by all this shit.

and now Tan is alone. all he has is his investigation into Non and Phi his sort of brother-in-law.

oh shit, was it Tan's cigarette smoke that was causing hallucinations???! or are they the antidote to whatever Tan drugged the others with or both?

confirmation that Tan was drugging everyone!

lol Tan's face at he very end as he takes in the chaos

[stilljuststardust]

tell us more about your dr!! sorry im so curious abt this

Random DR stuff:

I have a bunch of DRs so I'll just give some fun details about some of them! I'm avoiding super personal details sorry. Most of my other DRs really haven't been scripted or explored super well so I'm focusing on my Hogwarts one.

Hogwarts DR <3

My bedroom

I would decorate it very differently and have a door to my room but I'm in love with the room itself! I live by a forest and spent most of my childhood in the woods.

My dorm room

I have a single person dorm. I've scripted I have my own bathroom and shower as well because I cannot handle spending literal years in a room with four other people I'd rip my hair out.

I also scripted my own bathroom and I have a shower like the one the prefects bathroom has (in the book the shower has like a bunch of different scents that the soap and water can be)

My rabbit

I haven't decided a name. He is a lop (a kind of domesticated rabbit with floppy ears) and he's incredibly cuddly. If you are scripting a rabbit in be warned if it's male and not neutered or if it's territorial it will try to shit all over your bed.

Look it up. It's a thing. Nobody warns you.

Other things I'd recommend you script for rabbits:

Hay stays in their food area and doesn't get everywhere. I swear you will never stop finding hay.

Script they actually use their litterbox and they don't sleep in it. (The litter boxes smell so much worse than you could ever ever imagine please script it is less gross, self cleaning or that it's easier to clean omg)

They don't try to destroy everything and actually use the toys you give them lol

You have an endless supply of hay, rabbit food (pellet or otherwise), etc and you aren't allergic/ can't smell it.

Script they don't try to eat your hair. They will do it. They will.

They don't escape or run away. They will try to get through doors the second they open.

They're safe/nothing tries to harm them

Please don't use a cage for them they need a lot of space if you need to script out the negatives of having them free roam your room do it but please don't lock them up in small spaces :(

Your house is automatically bunny proofed and they stop trying to eat wires.

Script you know about proper care they're complicated fellas

Sorry the list is long but until you've had a bunny you don't know how crazy these little guys can be/the downsides because they aren't a common pet and proper bunny care isn't common knowledge.

Positives because I worry I talked you out of rabbits:

Litterally the softest fur you'll ever ever ever touch.

Even bunnies that are squeamish about being picked up are affectionate after you gain their trust

Litterally so so cute

Zoomies

Once I was sick and miserable in bed and my bunny hopped onto my chest and tried comforting me :( such a sweetheart

My bf

We've been best friends since we met. We're two halves of the same whole and our personalities compliment each other perfectly. He's honestly such a goofy person and we spend most of our time laughing.

He comes from an unaccepting muggle family and I've always done everything I can to make him feel safe and at home. I love this man so so so much.

He's sweet and funny and I really don't understand how anyone could dislike him. He is such a source of light I just love him so much.

He's an incredibly open minded person if a little naïve. Honestly just one of those people you can't help but feel safe around. He's so full of love I hope someday I can repay him.

He's been hurt a lot by others and all I want is to make him feel safe and cared for :/

His vibe:

[most-annoying-sponsorship]

Any submitted propaganda under the cut

BetterHelp - 44

the ads are unilaterally either cheesy 'everyone needs help sometimes pardner' stuff or a therapist who works for betterhelp saying how good betterhelp is. notably was an uptick in ads AFTER it was revealed how bad betterhelp is for actual mental health and how it doesnt vet its therapists lol

It’s overpriced, they underpay their workers, they have fake 5-star reviews and they sell your info. So many big YouTubers still promote Betterhelp to this day when most this info came out in 2018-ish. Fuck Betterhelp, all my homies hate Betterhelp

I guess it’s more of a podcast sponsor in my experience but OH MY GOD it’s such a bad business, but more importantly for this poll I just hate hearing youtubers/podcasters put on a serious voice to talk about Mental Health and how they themselves have struggled with Burnout and blah blah it literally all sounds the same. It’s like a psa in the middle of your video.

not only is it annoying bc it’s everywhere but it also sucks ass & exploits people

not only annoying, but a harmful service as well!!

It's being sued or smth rn (class action I think?). The program has been sketchy af and exploiting people who are experiencing mental illness or trauma, falsely claiming they have a full scale psychiatric team when they don't, selling data, etc. All for profit. Every other sponsorship is annoying, sure. But I instantly lose a little bit of respect when I hear a YouTuber talk about the importance of mental healthcare and then point you to BetterHelp.

The motherfuckers at Betterhelp call it ""'therapy""" but it sells your data. Youtubers I like promote this bastard of a conpany without a care in the world. I don't know why it is legal, I don't know how they get away with it, and I'm going to rip Betterhelp molecule by molecule

Its a scam trying to get your data and they dont even follow HIPPA laws or vet their therapists and they've had so many scandals that I'm shocked they still get sponsors unironically

Doesn’t even work like they’ve had a ton of controversy and the Youtuber is always like “lemme get real with you guys for a second… ok… phew… I go to therapy” and it’s like OKAY WELL YOU SHOULD GIVE A SHIT THAT THE COMPANY SUCKS THEN 💀

Takes advantage of people needing access to mental health care, when in reality BetterHelp is a terrible company that treats therapists AND clients like shit. The FTC recently gave them a huge fine for selling client health data to for-profit advertising corporations like Facebook but they still deny wrongdoing and haven't stopped the shill campaign. At least when a meal kit service or w/e is poor-quality usually all it means is you wasted your money, but if you trust the wrong therapy service there is a lot more that can go horribly wrong. (Cerebral is even worse since it was essentially all the problems of BetterHelp mixed with handing out addictive controlled substances like candy, but I haven't seen it on Youtube as much)

This is the only sponsorship that has actively made me unsubscribe from anyone that advertises it. While others like raycon or squarespace are usually annoying. Betterhelp is actively harmful to both their patients and their therapists, sells personal health data of their users to ad companies and it isn't even cheaper than real therapy at this point like they claim to be. It makes me see red when I see another youtuber saying how "good" it is and how it helped them (which it honestly looks like a script at this point) and telling their usually young audience to sign in. And then they dare to ignore the thousands of comments telling them about how bad betterhelp actually is. Like, I thought we all knew about their shady practices. It has been common knowlege since 2018, why are you acting surprised when you get called out. But I guess they pay really well so I hope those 1000$ were worth it I guess. Sorry for the ramble.

I've never tried it so I can't know for sure, but by all accounts the app is shit, yet everyone talks about it as though it's the best thing ever

There are sooo many controversies with BetterHelp and youtubers stopped accepting (not medically trained professionals, highly unethical and unprofessional and rude etc) sponsorships with them until recently like they all just forgot how shitty it was and it makes me dislike the youtuber every time i see they accept one

A shitty company taking advantage of those struggling with mental health (overcharging, horrible therapists, sharing data with third parties etc.) and yet everyone is sponsored by them

It harms both the therapists and the patients using it and is particularly evil to do that during the current times

Fake therapy and unqualified folks

they literally prey on mentally ill people for their money. their therapists seem extremely unqualified. i have heard so many horror stories including therapists telling (non-religious) clients to pray their problems away, talking about their own problems to the client for the entire session, and sitting on the toilet mid appointment. i genuinely don't understand how otherwise respectable creators can take their sponsorships in good faith because i have ONLY HEARD BAD THINGS

Shit company that abuses their “patients” and takes their money, and youtubers REFUSE to listen to their audiences on this

Not only is it incredibly fucking common and annoying, but it preys on and is advertised to people with mental illness. It apparently isn't very helpful for this (it seems like therapists don't even have to be licensed) but still presents itself as therapy. People have also said it sells your data and isn't confidential at all

It's everywhere and I heard it's actually a little harmful sometimes.

THEY STEAL YOUR INFO??? YOUR DEPRESSION IS LITERALLY BEING MONETIZED FUCK THESE GUYS JUST DO A NORMAL SCAM LIKE ESTABLISHED TITLES INSTEAD OF TAKING ADVANTAGE OF SUICIDAL PEOPLE

It's a legitimately harmful product and it is /everywhere/

It's basically a scam and can cause actual harm!

Evil fucking service, straight up dangerous

Its not even real therapists

IT DOES NOT VET ITS THERAPISTS. I CANNOT EMPHASIZE THIS ENOUGH, BETTERHELP DOES NOT VET ITS THERAPISTS. It also doesn't pay nearly enough.

it's a scam that preys on people trying to get help with their health

Literally sold user data from THERAPY SESSIONS

somehow it doesn't matter how many times there's articles about how better help abuses patients personal data, uses counselors who aren't licensed therapists, does conversion therapy on ppl who ask for lgbt sensitive counseling....ppl STILL take the money and i hate it

It's a scam and people (even some professional therapists have promoted it). "Despite its credible presentation, BetterHelp was caught selling data to Facebook, Snapchat, Criteo, and Pinterest. The company recently settled for $7.8 million. The FTC confirmed that BetterHelp pushed people into handing over health informatio" quote is from this article which sums up the problem pretty well: https://www.themarysue.com/betterhelp-controversy-explained

It turns out they sell user data for advertising purposes which GOES AGAINST WHAT THERAPIST GROUPS ARE SUPPOSED TO DO!!!

always feels really dystopian to get advertisement for scammy corporate mental health services... like what a sign of failure for society if ppl have to rely on such expensive and potentially unprofessional ways of getting the help they need. get that thang away from mee

therapy site with bad therapists on it

It's actually bad morally speaking

AWFUL SERVICE !!! every youtuber who still takes this sponsorship is cringe to me

Jim Beam "People Are Good For You" Ad - 1

I hate this ad. 1st of all, as an autistic person, being in a loud crowded bar would be a sensory nightmare for me. Also I don't like the taste of alcohol. So borboun is probably gross anyways. 2nd, I wouldn't want to go a bar because I would concerned about getting sick. That's because it's flu and cold season where I live, and Covid-19 is around. Lastly, I've seen this ad enough times now that it's annoying. So no Jim Bean, I will not be going a bar or buying your bourban (or anyone else's) anytime soon.

[mmriesoftvat]

Okay buckle up cause I got thoughts now. I was looking for scara x childe art to torment gem with, and I came across a video that really made me think about shit.

To be blunt: Childe knew.

Childe fucking knew what Scara was planning. This really goes to show how shrewd Childe actually is, how self aware he is and the way he just. seems to know what the other harbingers are up to. Maybe not exact details, but Childe always seems to have some basic idea of what's going on.

Video in question

So not only do I think Childe knew that Scara was going to meet up with Dottore, but he also knew that the Traveler was going to play a massive role in it too. Which that in itself isn't surprising, but considering that the traveler doesn't trust Childe and wouldn't tell him their next destination, Childe probably investigated that, too.

I would easily believe that Childe has spies everywhere. Maybe people who aren't loyal to him directly, but people's he's paid off to give information. So for Childe to know that not only Scara was in Inazuma, but had also run off to Sumeru is very very telling on how smart and dangerous Childe actually is.

And to go even more off script here, Childe also makes a passing comment about the stars and how they surprise him (like the traveler). Which means Childe also knows something about the sky not being real and much more than we know. So either Scara talked to the other harbingers and told them what he learned, or Childe figured it out himself.

Childe may not know everything, but I'm willing to bet that after what happened in Liyue and feeling like Signora made a fool of him, Childe decided to be at least two steps ahead of everyone else and gain information via spies/his own investigations before anyone can humiliate him again. So while he doesn't know everything, he's very very dangerously smart in that he knows a lot more, and will indirectly mention it in passing to see what others know.

"I'll let the gnosis run a little longer." Childe is incredibly smart, and probably knew that Scara's ambitions would lead to him being 'saved' by the traveler. To what extent is a mystery, but Childe is getting smarter and smarter, and it's going to be even more scary for us as the traveler.

Cause the next time we meet him, what else will he have learned? What other mysteries will he keep to himself?

[pixeldistractions]

“I always kind of knew this would be too hard on you,” he started. “I didn’t want to put you through that.” 

Her face went stone cold with worry. He didn’t intend that. He should have written a script, he suspected, but all he had was this fumbling babble straight from the heart and that would have to do. 

“Shit, I mean, you’re right,” he said. “I know you are. I didn’t know it then, but I know now. We had to try. Because what was the alternative? Not trying? That would have been tragic, because this is so good. We just need it to be more.”

She exhaled heavily. “I’m listening.”  

“We need more, but I’m also not ready to quit this. To be honest, I don’t know if I’ll ever want to quit this.”

“I don’t want you to quit,” she said.

“But do I have to lose you? Because I can’t lose you. Please, I don’t want to lose you. But I also don’t want to go back to some house in the suburbs in Wisconsin and work some shitty nine-to-five to pay for it all. I mean, Wisconsin is okay. But staying in one place, one apartment, one job, day after day. Remember I told you that?”

“I remember,” she said.

“Then this is going to sound crazy, but please hear me out… What if you went back home, grab Johanna, pack some things if you want. Or don’t—things are just things. And come back. Be with me here, or wherever. Everywhere. Every day?”

His proposal didn’t send her running for the hills, but she still had a cautious look on her face. “For how long?” she asked. “You’re not allowed to say as long as I want. I want to know what you want.”

He had been too wishy-washy and he’d lost her trust. Maybe he deserved that. He remembered the way he first pitched this plan to her, his grand idea for how this could all work, seeing each other here and there, then putting it back on the shelf. That was never going to work. How they were together deserved to be much more than that.

“That’s fair.” He chuckled with nerves, but now was not the time to be shy. “Not just for a few days. Not just for a little while. Not just once a month or every other weekend. Maybe I shouldn’t ask you this. You shouldn’t quit your job and your whole life, especially not for a guy like me. You shouldn’t. But would you? Because what if you did, and what if you loved it? What if we were happy? What if we had the most amazing life together? Now and every day and… until you get sick of me?”

He smiled sneakily, but she shook her head. “But then what? What if I don’t get sick of you?” She was digging her heels in on this one. She was gonna make him say it.

“Then I guess we’re in it for life? I want us to have an amazing life together.” 

“Those are big words, mister,” she said. “Are you sure you’re ready for all that?” 

“Haven’t I had a lot of time to think about things?” 

The look on her face was not shock, like he expected, but weight and decision. What she had decided, he wasn’t entirely sure yet. 

“It’s too selfish, maybe,” he said. “I know you never imagined living like this. I know it’s not fair, and I know it’s asking you to make all the sacrifices while I get everything I want. I hate that, but you won’t hate it. I’ll make sure of it. It’s too much to ask. I want too much.”

She wasn’t stunned. She was surprisingly calm and rational about it all. She took one slow breath and exhaled it, and he knew she’d just settled whatever answer she had in her head. 

“I want too much, too,” she said. “Don’t you think I’m asking for a lot? This isn’t just about me, you know.” 

“I know,” he said. “I do know that. I’m thinking about her, too. And my boys, too—and, well, I don’t get to decide for them, but I think they would all be good friends if we had them together. And I think she’d thrive out here, with us, with the adventures and the nature and the experiences. She would love it.”

“Okay, then I think my ask is bigger, because it’s for two people.”

“Go on,” he said, “You can ask it.” 

“Really?” Now she looked nervous. Maybe she hadn’t prepared herself to be on the asking end of their proposals today, but it was kind of now or never for them. No more of this limbo. No more indecision.

“Ask it,” he said. 

“I’m asking you not to break my baby’s heart,” she said. “If you want to be part of her life, well, that’s a promise. It’s one you don’t take back. My heart, it doesn’t matter, I’ve done heartbreak before, I can deal. But not her.” 

“Your heart matters,” he said. “But I promise I won’t break Johanna’s heart, and I won’t break yours, either. You can trust me. I need you to trust me.” 

“I want to,” she said. “Can I ask you something else?”

“Anything.”

“What happens if we don’t like it? All the moving and everything?” 

“If you hate it, then we’ll try something else. Together. But I don’t think you’ll hate it. Whatever you don’t like, I’ll fix it. You just tell me what it is, and we can fix it. You won’t hate it because every day will be an adventure. Every day will be new and fun and exciting. It will never feel like putting it back on the shelf, because even if we never stay in the same place, we’ll be constant, because we’ll be together. Every day together. What do you think? Would you think about it?”

He made himself a vow that he would never make this woman cry again, but here her eyes were welling with tears. Maybe this time they were happy ones?  

“Jordan, I already have thought about it. I was waiting for you to ask.”

“So, what do you say?”

“Okay,” she said.

“Okay?”

“Yeah, let’s do it.”

He swept her back into his arms and buried a dozen kisses in her neck while she burst into giggles.

“You won’t be sorry,” he said. “I promise you won’t.”

— from “boxes and squares #4.5: home is wherever you are, part 1” (3/10)

foot notes: he said it wasn’t too much baggage // she said she was built to follow a man around // he needs to escape and stay at the same time // do they have their answer?

Next ->

[solardick]

If you ask me, green?

It's a primary. Colour.it is, it's every where beyond blue green here is everywhere. I'm not caring

If its part of two other colours , it takes from The yellow of the sun. And the . blue. From the sky. Put then together and you go. Red colour is the one that doesn't belong red is a hidden colour and with it sharp attention. Sharp to denote the presence of thorns. it belongs to delicacy and to the reception of war. It marks endings. To fiddle with it is to risk life.

To see where I'm going with this. There's always one that doesn't belongs to another order. Don't ask me. The demon in red. That’s why pink is so awesome. It’s red. But with a lot of white. If evil was to be any colour. It would defiantly be red. Personal bias. Here. It’s the serpent and the dove. Except that it’s not black and white to create a boring grey. Noont likes grey ok. It’s black or it’s white.

Thats pretty gay.

Dont call it pretty! …well, what do you want from me. I hang with a bunch of fags all day.

Naw, its a cool colour. Denotes happiness. White is the shade wanted anyway. It means clarity and mind. As in white is light. It’s receptive on the side of light. What ever little black there is in the red. Shows an imperfect nature but capable. Shows there is a trace shadows but that one has a handle on them. Bringing with it a sense of comfort to vulnerability and loss potential. Or soemsuch. I dont know.

The whole lgtbq whatevee community could have just taken pink. But no, they take everyother coulour but pink. So, im a little confused about wtf?! Its the god damned colinization of the americas all over again. Nothing learnt.

Peace and love may suck my balls. And i mean that. Wouldn’t trust in rage and carnage to do that. No sir.

Oops. <- see that there? That’s what you call artistry. oO fool. When thise connections hint. Outside previous script. That is fun.

➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖

What of the word oops? There’s none other like it, that starts with Oo. Not common parlance.

😆

Nope sorry not going to sleep. I have trauma to do.

Sex is the only thing i had. And i kept it to myself. And now its broken. I dotn want to be alive anymore. Oh well giess im not even allowed to masterbate. I never was allowed to care about anything. Im not even even allowed to mnow what freedom feels like. Hahaha 39 years and counting.

Well i can get nothign else from tarot. Im done. Now what? Its not like j can do this with a person. Vedio games drugs and alcohol. If they didnt want me doing it. It wodbt be so easily attainable. Its all just a walk down the block.

Yay a fantasy wothout the deive and the deive wothout the fantasy. Yay. Fuck i need some pussy. Ones artificail injected and conditioned and the other is nature. You can tell the difference. And all it serves is to retard development. And now i can allow see women in a derogotory way. And now i see gays in a derogetory way. One allows me to get off. Seems for rewarding. Oh well, still got degenerate hetero males. Guess yhats my life. Serrounded by bs. And nothig to live for. Hey nothing has changed but hey at least the destabilizing attacks are mostly gone. No more violence coming from without. I leanred thats its ok coming from others not from oneself. Pressures and stresses have been scales down. No more freakign out. And sayign stupid shit. Droped the stupid ass australian whore. I liked here for what she had underneath. She played shit. I gave it back. It was fun. She enjoyed it. I didnt. But. Whatever. Thats all i ever do. Fight back get punished for it. Thats life.

I always tried to bring out that little sparkle some of them have inside. And i did on some account to a coupel of them. But most if them or ghosts. And morons. Like me but in an non- intently destructive way. On well. Peoplw ahve litterally been shocing their cocks at me somce i was like 6. So whatever. Continue on. Its all theres ever been. Sorry we’re. Ot allowed talkign. Cus im sexy and your a whore.

So, as we wait on the development of thos queer ass script that i managed to salvage to some degree. Guess ill be waiting to see what guy im going to be set up with to get fucked. No no im not here to reproduce. Or produce anything. Im just here to be fucked. Plain and simple. 39 years have taught. Ir the o ly thing im good for. Wo der of their still comig. Into my appartment and drugging my food

Pretty sure my fakily was dosing me with anti-spychotics. That and the anti-depressants probably fucked me up. All those years just a potato. Wonder what feeling loved and accepted by a girl feels like. I wonder what not havong a wall of stress feels like. Theres always a threat. Indotn know what life is with out that either. Cones hand and hand with stress. Well its 2:30 i aint sleeping. Probably dosed. Again. Aint no full moon. Isnt natural. Ate nothign but sleepy food. Oh well ill just stay born serpeunded by ignorance neglect, violence and sex. Thats all life is.

Anyway thats why pussies are pink. They are full of white. With the occasional red. I dont make up the rules. And be wary of anyone that gives an insult as a compliment. It mixes insult (primate shit) to that of love.

This also shows to be wary of mixing images of significance with that of language. These images need to be carefully chosen. Or these images become apart of the everyday functioning of communication.

Even though how much i like the Oo death card, for its beauty it is a dominantly feminine, receptive signifier for sex. The added notion that i comes from a deck called something similar to; un jeux de carte des dames. A woman’s card game. Crowley in his honesty didn’t even try to hide it. His spychedelic bad trips mixed in with the perversion of sexuality. Shows credit to the 1960’s hippy movement trashing natural experience. As serves the moon landing, for man kind to the new age, to the receptive motives of nourishing basic desires over the rational.

The Russians tried to get it first? Im not so sure. Isnt really their p.o. Anywai leanred in elementary school that the austrailians are the last country(apart of the good union to be set for assimilation. For the nuclear fallout will take some time to drift over that continent. But it will eventually. You’d figure otherwise, basing on the facts that the country was inhabited by criminals and pirates. And that their national holidays are about the invasion of war and its victory. Where as the americas are based upon the freedom and emancipation. Theres no celebration of the initiatory acts of war. Just the closing of it. Well the amerivan sid eof it anyway. The canadian side, pulled down their pants and said we give up. Dont hurt us. Celebrating canada day is kind of pathetic. The flag of the fallen leaf. Surrounded by red and white. Shows the beauty of death and acceptance of detachment. The bleeding sect. Not all that different from the nazi flag. Symbolizing peace, fortune and the full repetition of life based upon the gamma influence. Considering that both sides of the war. Stopped killing wach other and celebrated christmas together shows that their motives are one and the same thing. It be risky to say that the nazi parties veiled by death and destruction and the Canadian are the same thing. The only bit pf difference is the colour black. Which shows a hint of violence compared to the all white (pink) of the flag. One side had a steinger focus on death( canada) and the other on life (the swastika). The flag of the rising sun isnt all that different either. Not to mention that at the same time the americas were floodign with foreign philosophy and “spychology” which is a feminine name came right out of the holocaust. Speaking about the anima and animus found inside the brains of man and woman. Freud with his evwrythign is a penis and Jung with his, you have a little woman inside. Embrace it. Which would seem about eight considering all he ever side was intruded himself inside the minds of patients. Placing them of the receptive side of experience. The name of the game is to take over that position. While in that state theres no act forward.for being receptive to the act of law and regulation. Isnt enough. They want more.

For all the people that think the WW’s wasn’t an inside job. Anyway theres nothing to do about it if one wants to be apart of the world amd its accompanied personalized cultural heritage.

Just the external demon doing it’s thing. Got to control one’s projection towards available rewards. The more of the spyche that is externalized the better. From there two may easily fiddle with experience. While the life affirming are also being prohected by consequence. A pretty little thing may catch the projection with ease. As long as its fix and out. It cant be inside and life affirming. The longing for a legitanite need for nourishment and peace, while being receptive and accommodating, lacking any volatility one may find after just reading that. Sadly, thats not the case. Volatility abounds. While the prjection is no longer there the fantasy has say, and the internalization of Want and Need. Adopting the influence with ease. Since its mostly just internally created images anyway. For the complete lack of any authenticity, and prosocial behavior. The nothings of 0. One starts to imagining what two is like. The fantasy pictures possibilities.

All lack of “masculine movement”, gives nothing to motivation. All acts forward have been framed to loss. The only choice is nullification. Or dullification. I know, it’s “not” a word. I dont have a sidewalk. Its just a stream. One walks up it. Past it and see’s everything. The touch choices are choice comfort, and the creation of sensuous desire. Or its the group dynamic. Now here also depends ipon ehat cloud of information is raining fury upon it. If its not a choice, there’s only decay.

“Yah, i ain’t walking up those steps. Do you see whats up there? They can howler down like a murder of crows.

For example;

War doesn’t mean war. A crunch of violent vulnerability, fear, ignorance, and promises. Being filled in like a vessel. The mind fills the moon and a desire for reception. R and W overlap with the number 18. W is letter 23. (5 for the fool and the king) and temperance is number 14. 23-14= 9.. Card for the hermitic wisdom. Or the i-card for joy. i to j. Joy to chariot . 23+14= 37. Minus the tarot equals number 16, the tower or to P the hanged man. The enlightenment.

While MAN equals the wheel, the fool and strength.

Where as Woman has the added Moon and O death cards.

The wheel turns and nature along with it. Save it the wheel card itself might active production and not “corrective conditioning.” If ine is just going to mix everything together. In the same pool of water. Like the beautiful star card does. The word for Moon is pretty much the same. A wheel, an O fool, and strength. Which seems to equal woman over man. The double dose of masculine colours are reflected by a doudle dose of feminine images. And now the whole script itself becomes projected onto reality. If one were to ever mistake it as not being a game.

So bye bye tarot. Ive been glied to a tv for 30 plus years. I have nothign to gain from this that isnt encumbering. Theres no eauality. Just a one sided crime. The mind starts raping itself because both side are incompatible. Forcing a submission for the desire for peace. Doesnt matter if its artificially produced by outside forces. And it means the death of the natural function of sustaining life. The genome becomes less important. For sex and death have been combined. The french called it, “le petit mort.” There’s only an external masculine image conditioned by two parts woman and one part man. If it had any opportunity to grow. Otherwise one becomes an over feminized. If choice was made against any better alternatives.

Its just when it on active engagement with life does the conditioning take second seat. No longer consequential, if attention isnt paid to self. And not another. It be so easy to go full woman. And feel liberated from pain and suffering. Forever haunted by “karma” and self - disrespect. Without the choice of doing it oneself. Which is why the image of pride is so important. The internal inage of man crys out to mommy only to be spanked or ignored or laughed at.

If one changes the I-fool for that of the E fool. And coverter strenght as harmony to that of strength as violence. Or over domineering pressence. The then script is how it really is.

While also showing a happy emperor fallowing strict rules of conduct. The eternal child is fulfilled and fun and loving. Not reckless and destructive.

One has to separate and add positive outgoing images of masculine sexuality in place of the Oops card. Lou fucken a tiger works great. The two horses of the chariot arw clasically made to the image of felines. Which again. Is a feminine word. The fact thats its the masculine feline that holds kingship through out the land. Within cultural context inside this cloud of information. The lion is surrounded by active outgoing females. It just protects the nest. As all good males should do. Which requires the use of violence. Ir it cant protect itself from outside threats. Which are always there. And always have been. If your the deer you get taken out. If your the lion. Your more pasificist then the wife. Either or.

Though the tiger does cause some problems considering the japanese/asian influence that place significance on its images and meaning. And to that of the dragon. Especially to that of a dragon with a dove. Which is the equalivant of raping a man. Or to the dragon without the conditioning to that of instincts. But its overall mean is identical to that of the strength card found in tarot. Just the sexes are reversed to ther proper order. Considering how queer that movie was. Holy crap is right.

And just like a soldier, i keep on moving forward. Always getting closer.

🫰🏼🤌🏼

There’s alot of framing of mind going on.

Save for a moment of shift in experience. When one is found outside the “curse” propelled, when intent or expectation predict an outcome of horror, to the reversal of this experience under a lense of “love” over that of hate. A reversal of dialogue. As the scene switches from the male protagonist and centers on the female antagonist. Being humanized by all the protagonist’s prosocial behaviour. And that event be true. There was always going to be harm coming from the antagonist. Save that now it was unintentional, and deeply sympathetic.

Not mentioning, where FE or SHE play would with cards either. The emperor and the fool. FE.

The devil, the lover, the fool. SHE. There becomes an inconsistency. For FEmale represents rulership. This centers around the FELine. Royal lineage. For both FE and SHE are a feminine tense. Whoch breaks down in the sentence. She the female is queen. Both overlap. As does the devil S make the only distinction from HE. As does HE become the lover and the fool. And becomes a sHE when left to temptation.

[anxhoredheart]

( daniel ezra, cis man, he / him ) — 🎬 just announced, ziggy thomas is casted as jake in upcoming freaky friday movie reboot. the twenty nine year old is trending as people are debating if the facing a world of sky-high penthouses with a phone full of contacts yet a phone that never rings, facing a stranger in the mirror every day, missing the passion you once lost, the hope to turn the hands of fate && time and start again that they are known for is enough to make them as good as original. a quick google search shows that their fans call them perceptive, but internet trolls think they’re more self-centered. i guess their newest interview for variety where they talk about trying to break free from the villain archetype they found themselves stuck in for years since their last big project will let people to know them better.

basics:

this is under co.

traits: dignified, prideful, on the quiet side, observant, materialistic, close-minded, goal oriented, eloquent, passive, intuitive, realistic, aloof.

relationship status: ... it's complicated.

sexuality: heterosexual but not entirely close-minded to exploration.

religion: raised loosely christian, still loosely identifies but doesn't practice.

date of birth:  october 11th.

zodiac sign: libra.

skills & hobbies:

dislikes & fears:

quirks:

fun fact: won ' manhatten's most perfect baby ' before he was the age of 2. turned down the option to star in you.

pets: none, he doesn't feel he has the time.

family: single mother, only child, relationship with mommy dearest is strained at best.

credits: plays assholes && villains, mainly. includes gale hawthone (hunger games), nate jacobs (euphoria), richie kirsch (scream 5), and he who remains (loki) more recently, but there are others along this general douche-y vibe. he also has done LOTS of modeling.

backstory:

when your mom spearheads a fashion label, going as far to quest judge on rupaul's drag race once upon a time, you grow up with a level of expectation that most children do not. you must be well-dressed, looking your best, behaving your best, and shiny as a trophy for the eyes to see.

acting began, originally, as ziggy's way to escape the spotlight. to be someone new, someone else, just for a bit, just to feel like he had found a place in the world, even in a fictional role.

he grew up on the sidelines of runways, in private airplanes, and bouncing between paris && milan && london, new york && chicago && beverley hills... manhatten was home, but his mother had offices && businesses everywhere.

there was little he wanted for, except some peace && quiet.

fueling his energy into devious roles was a great way to change the pace, and as he got further into his 20s, he dropped modeling entirely to focus on his acting... but then he realized, every single script his agent brought him was the same. once again, the universe had decided his role, and now he was trying to depart from it.

he doesn't want to play the jerks anymore. the media calls him the perfect face for villainy, the asshole you love to hate, the bad boy with the bad heart vibes. every little misdeed he took in his personal life was blown up on the media, and he found every step taken only painted a worse picture of him, try as hard as he might to break out of it.

almost 2 years ago, ziggy fired his agent, fired his manager, took control of his own social media, went dark, and has been trying to build up a whole new reputation ever since. playing the beloved himbo jake with a heart of gold && winning smile?

ziggy hopes this is his ticket to a new kind of fame.

he hopes this is step one in just... learning how to be himself.

wanted connections:

rich bitch brigade: pretty much as it sounds, these are part of the elite, probably have been friends (frenemies?) for years, and yet have formed a little clique of hard-earned respect, trust, and bad blood. think gossip girl style friends who have years of shit, yet stay close in their own ways.

his rival: the guy who keeps getting the roles he wants - always plays the golden boy, the sweetheart, the heartthrob hunk with a great personality, everyone's favorite male lead... they are civil on the surface but its obvious ziggy has jealousy.

an ex or two?: everyone, especially the fans && media, knows that ziggy && charlie have always found a way back to one another, so no one has really taken his other relationships seriously. maybe there were real feelings, or maybe they were for pr to distance himself from other rumors, or maybe he was used.

fashion industry connections: he started in fashion thanks to his mom who owns a fashion empire of her own (think similar to the row, by the olson twins?) and he was a model long before he was an actor. now, he no longer models unless it's for brand campaigns or promotional material, but would still love to have some long-term connections from when he was more active.

hunger games/scream/euphoria castmates: other og hunger games stars - he played gale when he was about 17. he played richie kirsch in scream, and nate jacobs in euphoria.

some sort of paternal/maternal figure: his mom was... not around much, and more of a ghost than a parent. he was bounced around from nannies to assistants to housekeepers, and essentially, raised himself with little assistance. it would be great if an older actor could prove as a mentor... not in acting, but in personal life, emotions, social settings, love, etc. would be even better if this was a co-star in the freaky friday movie, like the fiance to tess, tess, pei pei, etc!

taken connections:

[melancholybliss92]

Tips For Success

It's been awhile since I have posted. I know there are some that actually found my blog because I see likes and reblogs. I don't have time to mess around with youtube editing. I been wanting to start a mental health youtube channel but I never got around to do it. I am super busy and I am not even married with NO kids haha.

I just want to say for those who are feeling alone, or they are with toxic people, whoever those toxic people are. Try your best to get all the help you need, and get the FUCK OUT of the situation and away from the toxic people in your life. I learned things the hard way and when I finally got away from all the toxic people in my life, I was already pushing my mid twenties . I am 31 yrs old and I still look super young and I sound young lol. This makes me a target everywhere I go. I developed a thick wall and I don't trust anybody really.

Remember, It is better to be Alone than to be with the wrong, jealous people who only want you close so they can destroy you. Pay attention to how people around you respond when you start to do well for yourself . When you start to do well , are the people around you happy, congratulating you and asking you to go out to eat or do anything because they see you winning? If they see you winning and they continue to make snide, sneaky jealous comments, they question you even further about your life and how you do things, and they don't seem happy for you... They give off weird bipolar vibes and they continue to pry into your business. Its time for you to block, delete, cut off contact, whatever you do, its time to burn bridges. The reason why I used the term "people around you" because there is alot in your social circle right. Friends, family, partner etc.

Let me tell you something. Writing my past and current situation would be like writing a script for a 3 hour movie. I am not going to bother but I have alot of experience dealing with fake, jealous, toxic, stalkerish people. I use to be scared of living alone and being alone. But meeting all this weird trash made me realize, ITS BETTER TO live alone, be alone, the right people will gravitate towards you over time. When you are alone and live alone. No one is jealous of you, no one is poking in your business, making sneaky jealous comments about you and what you are doing with your life. You work, you leave your job, you go find another job, you go back to school, whatever. You come home to peace and quiet and all of your things is there. If you dont have alot of things, trust me , over time you will buy things for your place. It takes time, dont worry about being broke or not having anything yet. The luxury is that no one is plotting against you when you live alone. I dont like living with room mates either because I like to have my own space and walk around naked, eat whenever I want. Like seriously, when you live alone, You run your life, you plan your meals, you learn how to be independent , you do whatever you want and you find yourself. Only then when you see what life is like without toxic people, you will find true happiness. Just be careful and watch your back when you live alone.

From what I have seen, jealous people who are failures are miserable and sneaky stalkers. They can't do anything by themselves and they are fake. It could be alot of reasons on how they are fake. They got a job because they knew someone and they never worked hard for what they want and they never worked hard to go look for a job by themselves. Maybe they dont have their own place they gotta Hoe around and be in fake relationships to move into someone else's house. Maybe they never worked hard a day in their life to get what they want, they always use other people to buy them shit or they was raised to be a loser and wait for family to provide them . They cant fend for themselves. They see you are something they are not so they will focus all their energy on you. I had this happen to me more than once I know what I am talking about.

They play like they are on your side at the beginning. They act super nice to you and understanding. Slowly over time, you will see that They can't mind they business . slowly over time, TRUST ME, you will sit there one day and ask yourself, "what is wrong with me, why is this person saying this and that about me, am I wrong or are they wrong. Am I crazy or its them thats crazy. why did I let them make all this comments about me and I didnt say anything back".

When you reach that stage where you are asking yourself this, you are dealing with a lowlife psychopath lmao. They are reversing their failures onto you. They are Projecting their personality onto you and they will try to disrespect you, then copy your personality and stalk every move you make. The outcome is that they want to start shit with you and fight you to slow you down on your success. Thats why its better to cut off contact and its not worth it.

There is actually a lot of discussion I found on Quora.com that was talking about jealous crazy people. Some girl responded to this person, she said why would you want to fight with someone who can't mind their own business. They have been waiting for the day to drag you down and by arguing and fighting them, you are giving them what they want.

Its almost like a ghost, a leech or a parasite all in one. They want you tied to them so they repeat the cycle of drama, jealous comments, drama and plotting, scheming, more drama. When you cut off all contact, you win the game and break the cycle. when you respond and choose to fight them , you are rebonding trash to yourself like a ghost following you around haunting you repeating the cycle. I had enough of this type of lowlife trash. They will fuck their own selves over anyways, dont bother and learn to be independent.

That's why I only hang with 2-3 people at a time to see who they are . I never involve myself in a large circle of friends and I dont give a fuck about how many friends and family I have left. I mind my business and focus on money, working, and real estate.

[beelzlikes]

Confession time:

I've got some form of Truman Show delusional paranoia going on. That's why I'm so cavalier about posting shit on here because in the back of my mind I'm thinking "everyone already knows".

Ever since I was a kid, I never felt alone. My parents had always told me that "God" was always with me, so I never had any privacy even as a child; there was some authority figure out there who was watching, judging, even if your parents don't see THEY will and you'll still get into trouble!

Even after I stopped believing in gods, I always felt like I was being watched. I began referring to myself in plurals. "We need to go shopping" "We messed that up" like a cooking show host talking to the audience. So how am I supposed to trust anything?

How can I trust my boss when I only got hired because "the show" needed me to? How can I trust my therapist when she's being paid to guide me to certain conclusions? How can I trust my friends when "off camera" they all drop the act and commiserate together about that day's performance? How can I trust my parents when they're always secretly watching, hiding listening devices in my home, monitoring my transactions, silently judging me from afar. Everything is fake. Everything bad or good that happens to me is SCRIPTED.

It... it takes pressure off me I presume. Which is why I feed into it. "Oh I don't ACTUALLY have any control over my life, some director or other unseen force is going to course correct me wherever they want me. I'm a puppet to be moved about."

And so, I sabotage them all the while not accepting that I'm ultimately just sabotaging myself.

OBVIOUSLY Ky was a plant. They JUST SO HAPPENED to show up on the one day a month I'm in the office. THEY kept contacting me about union stuff, a clever excuse that "they" could use to get us together because "they" knew I am interested in supporting unions, I had been pretty vocal about it at the time. So OBVIOUSLY I had to ruin it - "they" were trying to manipulate me by putting Ky in my way as an obstacle. So even if a relationship would.have brought me happiness, it would have been hollow, pyrrhic. It wasn't MY choice to pursue them, it was prearranged.

OBVIOUSLY Trevor was only being nice because the script demanded it of him. "The show" needed some drama, so the powers-that-be placed him in my way as an obstacle.

It wasn't my CHOICE to move to Oregon. I was pushed there by subtle means. Of course it was easy to find an apartment and a roommate because they were fucking WAITING for me there to arrive.

So then the only question remains: what do "they" want? I'm tired of always performing. I just want to be left alone! But they are everywhere. I can't escape them. So whatever they want, they get. Every stranger is a potential spy, every friend a potential betrayer, everyone always has me dead in their sights and I just want to be left alone! I can't stand it. They're all just waiting for me to... This is exactly like that fucking short story by Arthur C Clark. Has reading that recently exacerbated things in my head? I've always felt this way but that was the first time I feel like I read about the experience I'm having through the perspective of another author.

Whatever. Writing this was pointless, everyone already knows. Nobody cares because everyone's in on it. If I weren't around they could all go back to their normal lives without having to act around me.

[yuurivoice]

Hi! Are we going to get more Professor listener with Guzma? I loved yesterday's audio, it was so good!!

Ps. Great work on the new thumbnails! They look amazing and I'm seeing your videos everywhere on my YouTube home page!

I really like that scenario with Guzma and I think we miiiiight just see a return to form for ya boy. I think doing a Big Red style "plot but not plot" scenario with him and this professor listener would be very doable and easy to have fun with! I have some ideas for more and I do love the secret lovers trope so...sounds like it could be a thing! It would also be a great set up for people to submit scripts with vague attachment to that general scenario, which I think help people get a little direction when brainstorming.

The thumbnails were exhausting, but they are absolutely working as intended. The recent Guzma video had a 5% higher than usual click through rate, which is huge because my average is already good.

Something I think worth stating: I love the color coding + structure of my old thumbnails. I was really proud of them for what they were, but on YouTube in 2022, they do not work. They are boring. Were they convenient? Yes. Very convenient. But they very simply did not work.

I think I can absolutely build on adding some brand identity to the new thumbnail style. I think that's ideal (and I won't go change every single thumbnail to match it this time lol), but the immediate and significant improvements are very clear to me.

It HURT MY SOUL to ditch the clever titles, but it doesn't inspire people to click. It just doesn't. You have to use keywords and hooks to get people to watch your shit. Some of those thumbnails are fucking cringe, trust me, it was not easy. I identified the issue with my thumbnails a LONG time ago but didn't have the spoons to try and change anything. I got comfortable.

And you know what happened?

My numbers started dwindling. Less engagement. Less conversions. Less interest. Even if the content itself has actually improved, I wasn't doing a good job at marketing it. I am confident in my work, I see huge strides forward I've made...but what good is it if I slack on actually getting it out to people and doing the YouTube thing well?

The fact is, there are ASS UGLY thumbnails out there and those videos do well despite it. But if there's a general pitch for the content within, it's significantly more effective than what I was doing. It's not a small margin.

There's some additional plans I have in mind for the thumbnails, but it'll take a little time. We've retroactively made old artwork work for the composition and space, but I think a big plus will be having super high quality busts of the characters w/ a few different expressions to further differentiate the videos. I'm hoping to bring a background artist onto the team and that'll let me get even spicier with the thumbnails and have actual relevant backgrounds for the thumbnails rather than stock images.

So...lots of things went into the planning and execution of the change, quite a bit to consider...and it's working. That's the big thing like, if the change negatively impacted videos or didn't lead to any improvements, then yeah I'd probably be kicking myself and frustrated. It was a very clear issue and the solution was very positive.

Anywho. Just wanted to put that out there. lol

[sydneekomspacekru]

Hide and Seek ~ John Murphy x Fem!Trikru!Reader ~ Part 3

Inspiration: My shifting script lmao...

Summary: When you overhear your sister talking about an attack on the new arrivals called "Skaikru", you feel obligated to warn them. But when they don't believe you, and think that you're there to spy instead, things quickly go south. And you turn to the first person you could find to help you.

Warnings: Language, gore, torture, violence, self harm, smoking, drug use, self harm, really bad flirting, lmk if I missed anything please. (This chapter includes details of torture, please read with caution)

A/n: I literally woke up in a panic because I forgot I posted part 1 and 2🤣 I feel like some of this is not even mediocre at best, but some of it high key felt lke poetry when I was writing it😭

Previous | Next

You had been at the Sky people's camp for nearly a week. You were ordered to stay in their medbay. You felt useless. Everyone waited on you. They brought you food and water, and you were constantly being told to rest. You hated it. Which led you to now, pleading with Clarke to let you hunt.

"I don't know, you're still healing Y/n."

"Clarke I'm useless. I could be so much more productive, I could help you find food. I could help you find the good berries and healing plants."

"Not yet, although you probably could move out and into a tent. We don't have any free ones, you'll have to bunk with someone." Of course. It wasn't like it was a problem, you just didn't want to share with anyone you didn't trust. And right now, that was nearly everyone. You trusted five people out of the nearly one hundred at the "dropship" as they called it.

She must've noticed your hesitation. "You would move to Murphy's tent. He's the only one without a roommate out of your friends."

"You and Octavia are sharing with someone?"

She nodded.

"Okay. When?"

--

You had switched over that night. You had panicked when you realized that you were missing your music and all of your clothes. But Clarke had hidden them away from Bellamy and his minions.

You were putting a sheet over the cot Clarke had given you, doing your best to make it flat. You had even resorted to tying it. You sighed, looking at the wrinkled thing. As good as its gonna get.

You heard the zipper, and continued to try and make up your bed.

"Holy shit!" He yelled as he looked up. You felt exposed now, you were in some cut off sweats that you made into shorts and your oversized shirt. Normally you would be wearing some more pants, but it was harder to get them on with the wounds that covered your legs. "What are you doing in here? I thought you were in medical with Clarke."

"She told me I could move into a tent, and yours was the only one out of my friends that was empty. I'm sorry, I thought you knew." You felt guilty for some reason, you hadn't meant to inconvenience him.

"Uh, you're good. It's fine. I just wish I would've had a little heads up from Clarke, at least." He shrugged, zipping up the tent, and laying down. It was already dark outside, and you were sleepy.

You laid down on the cot, wincing as you tried to find a position that didn't hurt you. He had cut you all over. Everywhere. He wanted to prolong your pain for as long as possible, apparently.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." You had settled for laying on your side, arm tucked to your stomach. It wasn't the most comfortable, but it was the position that hurt the least.

You had been laying there for an hour. You knew that neither of you were asleep. But you just couldn't fall asleep.

"Why are you so nice to me?" You didn't know where it had come from, it just came out of your mouth.

"What?" He sounded groggy, his voice was raspy with sleep.

"You're rude to everyone else here, but you're nice to me." You had noticed that around their camp, he didn't like many people, if any at all.

"You didn't try to kill me." He hadn't moved once during the entirety of your conversation. You sat up, letting out a slight hiss of pain.

"They tried to kill you?" You whispered through the dark.

He let out a dry laugh. "Yeah, I won't tell you what for. You'll be begging Clarke to go back to medical."

"No I won't. Tell me." You put on the voice you used to address the ambassadors. You had to, they tried to treat you like a child and you would prove to them that you weren't by making hard decisions. Even when Lexa couldn't.

"I killed two people." He muttered.

"Oh." Your voice was quiet again. "Why?"

"Doesn't matter. I'll tell you some other time." You had had enough, he'd been talking to you like you couldn't handle yourself the entire time. You kicked the thin blanket off and stood up in half a second, immediately regretting it. Your legs gave out from the pain and you cried out in agony.

You heard Murphy moving and then he was crouching beside you. "What did you do?"

"Don't treat me like a child, Murphy." You kept your voice steady, despite the throbbing sensation in your left calf.

"I'm not, calm down." He put his hands up. "Are you okay?"

"My leg, it hurts." You squeezed your eyes shut. You didn't want to relive it. You pushed down the memories and swallowed the bile in the back of your throat that went with them. You let out a shuddering breath.

He took your leg and tried to look for what could be hurting you. "Jeez," he put the back of his hand over his mouth. "You ripped some stitches. I'll go wake up Clarke."

You shook your head, "If she finds out that I've been out for not even a full day and already ripped open my leg then she'll keep me in your medical center for another month."

"I didn't know grounders kept track of months and stuff like that."

You rolled your eyes. "Of course, we have to know. We have to keep track, otherwise, how would we hunt? How would we know where to hunt, to gather?"

He shrugged. "We still need to get Clarke. You'll bleed out if she doesn't stitch it back up."

"No I won't. It isn't a deep enough wound. You wrap it." You grabbed the cannister of water, and the pant legs that you cut off and handed them to him. "Rinse the wound, then wrap it up tight with the clothes. Make sure to tie it off." He took them from you, hesitating before pouring the water over your leg. You stiffened up, before telling yourself to relax. But that didn't settled the twisting in your stomach.

"Good," you strained. You turned to look at your leg. You had imagined a much bigger gash, this was maybe three inches in length and a quarter of an inch deep at the deepest spot. "Now tie it up, kind of tight. Not all of the stitches came out."

He knotted it up, pulling it tight. Your leg jerked away from him out of reflex. "Sorry." He said, and went to loosen it. You stopped him. "This is good, it will keep it from bleeding too much. I'll get a needle and whatever it was Clarke used to sew me up."

"She stitched you up. Not sewed." He corrected you, trying to mop up the water with the other pant leg.

"What's the difference?" You pulled the blanket up over you, careful not to move too quick.

"Sewed is like clothes, stitched is on a person."

"Oh."

You grabbed your iPod - Jasper had told you, he had seen it in the small collection of things from the ground - and put the music buds in your ears. You turned on your music, and Love Me Do by The Beatles started playing.

You lay there listening to music for about an hour. You were half asleep when you felt a poke on your shoulder. You made yourself still, and react as you normally would as to not tear anymore stitches out. You pulled the music out of your ears and slowly opened your eyes. It was Murphy, and he was sitting by your cot. "Chomouda ste em Yu insist ona waking Ai up every gou Ai laik raun sleep?" You closed your eyes, laying back down.

"What?"

You sighed. "Why is it you insist on waking me up every time I'm close to sleeping?" You barely bothered to talk now, letting yourself relax again.

"You weren't talking, you were laying there like you were dead."

"What were you wanting?" You were close to sleep again, feeling yourself slipping into (hopefully) dreamless sleep.

"I was wanting to learn something in grounder."

You opened your eyes slightly, he looked tired. "Jok yu. I'm sure you'll enjoy that one." You smiled tiredly.

"What is it?"

"Fuck you." He snorted.

"I'm sure I will."

--

You blinked, rubbing your eyes as you turned, groaning. You hated not having the morphine. You had to go see Clarke about it, it was agony not to. But you had to wait until you could get the stuff to stitch yourself back up.

"You snore." You heard a tired voice say.

"Bullshit." You replied, yawning.

"No, it's true. You're sneaky about it though. It's quiet." You shook your head.

"I need to talk to Clarke about getting her to let me go hunting. At least let me show you where to get berries and stuff to eat." You were thinking out loud, not expecting anything in response. Your sister would do the same thing, she would want you to respond though. When you did, you ways gave her good advice, at least you thought you did. Ai mema we yu, sisa. I miss you.

You sighed, easing yourself to your feet, and finding your regular jeans. Jasper had been a big help while you were in their "hospital" he called it. He taught you what everything was "properly" called, not that there was anything wrong with the way you called things. But now the things you had descriptions for, you instead had words for them.

You turned to Murphy, who was still laying on his back, arm over his eyes. "Uhm, Murphy? Is there somewhere I can change? Without people looking at me?"

He sat up, hesitating. "I can just turn around, I won't look, I swear. Or I could just get out for a minute." You shrugged, you felt bad asking him to get out, so you just had him turn around.

You managed to get your shorts off, but when you went to put on your jeans, you found that you couldn't. Whether from the pain of the material against the stitches on your legs, or just from trying to get them on. You decided to just wear the shorts. "Nevermind, I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize." He shrugged, then left the tent.

--

You tried to stay in the tent all day, you were going to wait until nightfall to get the things to patch up your leg. But unfortunately, someone just had to tell Clarke they didn't think you were feeling well.

"Y/n," you heard a hesitant voice outside of the half zipped tent. It wasn't any of your friends, you knew they would just barge right in. It was definitely a change of pace, but you loved them. They were living their lives to the fullest, which is what you longed for. But unfortunately, you had to deal with war. And the ambassadors, and ignorant little shits who didn't listen when someone was trying to warn them.

"Enter." You called. You sat up straight and made sure your legs were covered. You might have caught on to some of your sisters habits. Like how you spoke to people less than an acquaintances.

You saw a head of black hair before you saw their face, and you immediately knew who it was. Bellamy. The only person in camp with such unruly, dark hair besides Octavia. Your body tightened up, despite the throbbing pain it had caused.

"What do you want." It wasn't a question so much a demand made through a clenched jaw.

"Clarke needs you." He was standing awkwardly, he didn't want to be here, and it made you happy. You were happy he knew you didn't like him, that you were sickened by the sight of him.

"Why?" You just wanted to call for Octavia, for Jasper or Monty, for Murphy, Clarke, anyone. You wanted him out of your tent. You wanted him gone.

"Ask her." He was aggravated at you, you were being snippy, but that doesn't compare to having you tortured.

You stood up, swallowing the yell that the pain caused. "Yu dula op nou chich op Ai like dei de." You do not speak to me like that.

Apparently, he had gotten better at understanding Trig, but you didn't know where. Octavia had told you about Lincoln, someone much older than yourself. But surely he wasn't in the camp. He had been beat just like you had been. He wouldn't stay unless he had to. Octavia didn't tell you something. "You were the one being snappy with me." He spoke slowly, but he had a certain something in his words that made people listen. You might not have liked him, but you had to admit that he was someone who could capture a crowds attention. Maybe that was why people followed his orders.

"You tortured me, I am allowed to speak to you however I think you deserve."

"It wasn't me that tortured you." He was quick to respond.

"But you gave the order. Now leave me!" You yelled at him now, your voice straining. You knew someone was going to ask about the argument, you just wished it wasn't Clarke. It was an ignorant wish.

He walked towards you, you were scared, but you stood your ground. The adrenaline pumping through your body only heightened the pain, but you relished it. It reminded you that you had lived. That you had beat the monsters that did this to you, nearly. Only one was left. The lone beast in front of you.

He raised his hand slowly, and you were ready to fight. You ran through all of the possibilities, and you were ready to take the first swing. You took a deep breath.

"What the hell are you doing?"

You sighed in relief, you could fight. But you would prefer to not use up any of your strength. You were just starting to regain it, and you wanted to be out of the tent and hunting as soon as possible.

"Aren't you supposed to be out working on the wall, Murphy?" Bellamy asked.

"I heard Y/n yell. What's going on?" Bellamy glanced back at you, and you started to speak, but Bellamy cuts you off.

"Clarke needed her, I came to tell her. Now get back to work."

Murphy walked over to you, ignoring Bellamy's orders. He put his arms on your shoulders. "Are you okay?" You nodded.

"See, your girlfriend's fine." He snapped, and Murphy turned to him.

"She's not-"

"I don't care. Get back to work."

You heard the tent shake as someone else enter. It was Clarke. You audibly sighed, thankful for another one of your friends in here. She was the only one Bellamy would listen to, you hadn't been there very long and you knew that.

"I want you out of my patient's tent Bellamy. Murphy can stay, get someone else to work on the wall." Bellamy opened his mouth to protest, but Clarke cut him off. "Y/n needs him. Get someone else." You felt your face heat up, and Murphy glanced at you.

Bellamy pushed past Clarke, huffing as he left.

"Okay." Clarke said after he left. "What the hell happened?" You sat back down, covering your legs with the thin blanket. Thankfully they weren't stained with blood from your leg. You had wrapped it up pretty well. With everything that just went down, you hoped that she hadn't noticed it.

[starryyyjoon]

I, you | Kim Namjoon One Shot

word count: 8.2k

pairing: idol!namjoon x fem reader

summary: namjoon meets you again and he can't help but want you to look at him the same way he has all these years.

disclaimer: it's sort of written from y/n pov. kind of smut included, not too much but still. other then that, i don't think there's anything. it was written a long time ago so i don't clearly remember, sorry!

Namjoon walked in, followed by a few staff members and they occupied the empty chairs on the conference table and I smiled at him and the others. He looked great like always, he was in a navy blue hoodie and a khaki colored trouser, with his hair pushed backwards exposing his forehead.

There was something and nothing between me and him and it was too tiring to play pretend. "You look good", he remarked and I smiled at him. He's always being too kind, I looked like absolute shit, I hadn't slept in three days and my clothes were whatever was in my reach that I'd put on after showering and I rushed here.

I had met him before this level of success but I was merely an assistant director myself and we'd talked about Monet and his work together, he'd similar interests to mine but both of us didn't really get anywhere because of our timing and I believed it was for the good. He'd always expressed how he liked my vision and wants to work with me on something and I didn't believe my vision because what even was my vision that he could see and not me and after being this big I didn't really thought he'll even remember me until he hit my phone one day and here I was, at the label's office to discuss the details of his mixtape's music video.

"So, do you've something in mind?", I asked him and he pressed his back on the chair letting out a yawn, he seemed tired.

"Not really! I want it simplistic and not too hard to understand. I haven't thought about it or anything so I don't know, I would await what you propose", he softly said.

"I haven't heard the track because of--", he intervened, "--ah you haven't? You should hear it first", he said and I nodded.

"I would need to hear it", I told him, thinking about the lengthy talks with the illustrator already.

The staff then pin pointed about the budget, the do nots and other details and two of my team members who were seated beside me talked thoroughly in detail about the technicalities. Namjoon looked bored with all the talk that didn't interest him. He wasn't much different from before slightly bigger.

All of us stood up coming to an agreement when Namjoon asked me to walk up to his studio to hear the track and I asked my team members to go ahead first. I walked through the dark corridor behind him while he talked to someone on the phone, all the way to his studio. I didn't really hear what he was talking because I was invested in staring around the place like I hadn't seen a building before.

The walls were all dark and a comforting shade since I didn't like the sun anyway. It seemed like a night mode in real life.

His studio was the corner most, he typed the passcode in and stood aside gesturing for me to walk in, followed by him. He hung up the phone call and put his phone aside, switching the AC on. He sat behind the monitor while he switched it on and I went through my inbox.

"So, how have you been?", his deep tone, made me look up and I fidgeted to put my eyes on something other then him while he turned his chair around to face me.

"I have been okay-ish, like the projects I'm doing I'm satisfied with them so I guess it's kinda okay", I said and regretted it immediately, I don't even talk like this and he knows it.

"Not the work c'mon, you, your boyfriend, family, other things?", a lose smile hung on his lips and I looked at him. How can someone look like that?

"No boyfriend because you know no one can put up with this profession. I haven't slept in three days so I'm fucking annoyed and the work is too much that I don't have time for other things", I shrugged and he chuckled. I didn't want to think about guys, I barely had time for myself. Filmmaking was a time bound profession.

"I relate, trust me I do", he turned his chair back around, his eyes on the computer screen and I looked at him. I could see why he could relate, I mean of course he didn't had time either. I knew idol schedules enough to know how these things go. "Why didn't you come that day?", he asked me and my insides twisted.

"I was hoping you don't bring it up", I said in a small voice.

"Why not? I waited for you", he said without looking at me and I threw my head back on the couch thinking of the time when he'd asked me out officially and I didn't make it. "At least I deserve to know what was more important that you didn't make it", he looked at me and I closed my eyes shut.

"I had a flight, I got an exclusive food show travel experience with discovery and it was too good for an opportunity to miss", I let it out and took a breath in. I knew I could never leave work for a guy, any guy, or anyone as a matter of fact and as much as I'd thought about it on the plane...it all seemed for the better. He wasn't the kind of guy I could've had my regular thing with and I was too young to be serious.

"It was a good show", he told me. I could feel his eyes on me and I didn't flinch. I didn't regret it but his words made me feel guilty. My head was on the headrest of the sofa I sat on and my eyes were closed. My subconscious could feel his curious gaze on me.

"Look away Namjoon", I said and I could feel his gaze was still on me.

"Why didn't you call me when you got back?", he asked me and I looked at him.

"I didn't because our cultures differ, everything is poles apart--what's the point of discussing it now?", I asked him, slightly annoyed. He and I separately needed to focus on our careers and he knew it too damn well.

"Okay", he turned around again as his monitor showed a circle indicating that the programme he'd launched was loading. "It does makes me feel better that my better position in life doesn't changes your opinion on me. Quiet comforting", he said, with a hint of sarcasm in his voice but I chose to ignore it. The last thing I'd be doing is fueling this feeling in him by discussing this useless thing which wouldn't make any difference whatsoever.

"Is this the reason you wanted me to do this project with you?", I asked him and he swiftly turned his chair around.

"No, I don't take all this for granted. I love the stuff you do. I'm pretty updated thanks to how active you're on your social media", he smiled and I couldn't shook the thought of seeing my psychotic episodes on my Instagram, Twitter...everywhere. I'm pretty weird out there.

"I love it, the stories", he flased his dimple smile before turning his chair around again and I felt his warmth, like he meant what he said.

For a second I was taken aback with how tall he was from me and how good he looked, he'd always looked good but he was more mature now and much more reserved. "I'll be calling you often because I won't send it for pre-production without your say on the concept", I told him.

"I'll look forward to a lot of calls", he said. "I'm sorry this is taking a while", he added quickly and for some reason I couldn't look away from him, whose back was visible to me.

"No, take your time", I said, crossing my arms against my chest. I really wished he was a regular guy just making music but then I didn't. I wouldn't want someone to wish that for me. He'd earned all of it and I knew it.

"Look away ___", he said slowly. I could feel his grin through his words and I looked away shaking my head right and left softly. "It's, yeah it's playing", he turned around as the music filled in the empty atmosphere.

It was a slow song with a really fast rap. It was how Namjoon was, he contradicted himself too much. I instantly knew it was his writing from the way the words went and the wordplay came into role. I couldn't help but analyze the song because I was supposed to shoot and sketch a music video for it and at times like this I didn't really get to enjoy the art for the art and I hated it.

"How was it?", he asked me, his eyes fixated on me as the music faded. I wanted it to last.

"The only problem with it is that it ends", I flashed a smlie at him and he shook his head throwing it back.

"That's too corny even for you", Namjoon rolled his eyes but I was being serious. "You know I appreciate heavy critics", he said.

"I didn't find anything to criticize, the writing is great, the composition fits and it has a catchy vibe to it. I think I would listen a song like that on a drive or something? In your case a bicycle but yeah! It's a good song", I summarized my opinion. "Do you like want a trendy video?", I asked him.

"Anything that you want to do with it", he said and I gently nodded. Since it was given to me, I couldn't stop thinking about what to do with it.

"Can you stop thinking about it while you're with me ___?", he chuckled and I looked at him taken aback for a second and then nodded with a soft smile pasted on my lips.

"Your fashion sense has improved", I remarked.

"You look casual", he teased me.

"I, I've no fashion sense. I just wear whatever is there", I told him.

"I don't think so, your Instagram says different", he said.

"It's for the show Namjoon", I said.

"You're really not the type to do that, please don't deceive me", he beamed before he turned his chair around again to minimize the current tabs on the computer.

"You're the last person I'd be deceiving--", my words were cut from an incoming call from one of the producers of one of the shows I was working on. "I need to take this", I told him and answered the call while he just gave me a gentle nod in response.

The producer had informed me about the issues related to casting and the final draft of the script and I knew I had to go.

"Guess I'll see you later, bye", Namjoon said warmly as he smiled at me. The thing was he just knew and that always stuck somewhere.

"Bye", I left.

________________

"I, for one, disagree. C'mon how do you even call it an end?", I threw my hands in the air as we discussed it for the millionth time. I liked Su-ho but his thoughts on GOT made me want to kill him. He is the only person I knew who was satisfied with how it ended.

"I think it was okay, c'mon, you have to consider that the novels didn't end and as compared to that I think it was pretty good", Su-ho claimed while he sat on the bean bag in front of me, pushing it comfortably.

"Don't even start with the novels--", my words were interrupted with the sound of the doorbell, "--they didn't even do a good job interpreting it and I am offended by that. Look there novels", I pointed at my bookshelf, showing him my GOT collection which he knew as I opened the door and my head bumped against Namjoon's chest as he took a step in.

He chuckled as he held the back of my head with one hand and pressed my forehead with the other and rubbed it gently to ease the pain.

"What's uh, what's that? Is it iron", I mocked, pointing at his chest while he let me go from his grip and took his shoes off.

"It can be", he said. "But why were you jumping around so enthusiastically?", he asked me as he seated on the couch in front of Su-ho, as he greeted him and Su-ho greeted him back.

"Game of Thrones heavy discussions", I sighed. "This is Su-ho who's illustrating the storyboard", I told Namjoon.

Su-ho was starstruck and it seemed like it'd take him a good minute to recover and Namjoon was obviously used to it. I didn't call him at the office because a lot of people would want to see him then and it could be exhausting plus he'd a time limit on his hands.

"You know him, ___?", Su-ho widened his eyes at me and I nodded, suppressing my laughter seeing his chaotic ass behave like this.

"A little", I said and I could feel Namjoon's gaze on me. "Maybe a lot", I rephrased. I could see by the way Su-ho looked at me that he needed answers. "Coffee?", I asked Namjoon.

"Oh yeah", he replied and I stood up. "I've thought of two concepts, Su-ho please brief him on it and if you want anything differently Namjoon, you can tell him", I told him as I marched towards the kitchen.

Should I use the regular coffee mugs or should I use the better ones? I mean it doesn't matter anyway but still, it kind of does? I don't know. It just comes to me, the over thinking.

Ah.

I could hear him and Su-ho talking about the concepts faintly and I was low-key proud because I did work hard on them. I opened the cabinet to take out the better coffee mugs.

This is what happens when you stop drinking milk and stop growing up. I rested my hands on the kitchen pavement thinking about how many shoes with heels I'd because of my height.

I wasn't very short but I wasn't my desired height too. It was sad. I was the right person to sell the tonics concerning height because my insecurity would make me buy it. I exhaled heavily and turned around to find Namjoon behind me.

"Let me", my hips pressed against the marble pavement while his body gently pressed against my front, I could spot the mole on his neck while he calmly took the box of mugs out. "Okay?", he whispered softly and I looked on without responding.

"Thanks", I told him, hoping he'd get away from me because this had me feeling some type of way. I won't admit what type of way. That makes it worse.

"Anytime", he clicked his lips, taking a few steps back as I stirred the coffee and poured it in three cups. Should've used regular ones.

"I like the quotes on that wall", he said as I handed him his cup, taking the other two. A wall of my house was covered in post-it notes and other stuff. Some print outs of Van Gogh and Frida's works alongside other things.

"Yeah that? Thanks", I said, as I gave the cup to Su-ho. "Did you decide on something?", I asked, as I sat down and Namjoon just beside me.

"Yeah, the first one. It was kind of okay, he made some alterations so I would send it to you by...maximum tomorrow", Su-ho told me. "But why did you call him here for just this?", he asked me.

"You seem so concerned about his whereabouts", I glared Su-ho . "I told him I could just email him but he insisted on doing it in person", I looked at Namjoon who took a long sip from his coffee.

"Yeah I did, don't worry I was absolutely free", Namjoon smiled at Su-ho and I could see Su-ho fanboy-ing.

"You're so in line today", I pressed my words.

"Shut up", Su-ho eyed me. I wrapped my hands around the coffee mug feeling its warmth.

After I talked to Namjoon for a while about the shoot and he explained to me about their company procedure and how they usually did things. I didn't like doing music videos or commercials, there's a lot of time you're bound by what the music video demands and you've to stick with that so that was that. I usually preferred either cinema like movies or dramas, I hadn't done much but I had done a few and travel shows were my preference.

"I'll see you next time then", Su-ho politely remarked looking at Namjoon and he smiled and gently bowed his head. I walked with him up-to the door. "I didn't, what the hell, you could've given me a heads up?", Su-ho whispered slowly to me as I leaned against the door.

"I didn't knew you were a fan", I said and he playfully hit me on my arm.

"I still can't believe it, you've to answer my hot questions next time", he said and I nodded.

"Okay okay", I closed the door shut behind me, taking a seat on the far side of the sofa me and Namjoon were seated on. He was scanning my bookshelf and I was looking at him.

"Literally 70% of it is fiction", he said. I read a lot of fiction and he read a lot of nonfiction.

"You should read fiction", I said and he looked at me slightly pissed.

"I do read fiction just not thar much", he pointed at my bookshelf. "If you've to recommend one, shoot", he said.

"Recommend, uh, the secrets of happiness", I said randomly and his face sunk in annoyance. "It's not a book talking about literal secrets of happiness, it has a story", I told him.

"Ah okay...I will try reading that. Let me take your copy", he said.

"No", I said back in a split second.

"I won't lose it, c'mon, ___", he said. I couldn't believe his testimony on not losing it.

"Fine, but it's annotated. You'll owe me big time if you lose it", I said and he nodded vigorously.

"Your place is great", he said looking around the house and I couldn't see why, I mean yeah maybe but not that I find it great if I think from his point of view.

"I'm barely here anyway. I pay rent for no reason", I kept the empty mug in my hand on the glass table in front of us.

"That was your friend though, Su-ho?", Namjoon asked as he kept his cup, followed by me.

"Oh yeah! I met him for work but then it's been a while since I know him, it's been years actually and he's a friend now", I said thinking about Su-ho. I don't know why I bothered explaining. It's been a good five years since Namjoon and I hadn't been in touch and there was a little catching up to do.

"You've always had a lot of friends, don't you", he sighed as he sat cross legged on the sofa facing me. I do have plenty friends honestly.

"Kind of", I shrugged. His gaze on me made me sit back in a more cautious way as I fixed my posture. "Namjoon...", I called out his name when the doorbell rung and I was irritated. "Give me a second", I stood up and walked up-to the main door.

It was my neighbor who's mother had left their house keys with me and he was here to take it back. He thanked me for keeping it and walked up to his own flat which was in front of mine.

I closed the door shut and Namjoon was standing by the balcony seeing a cactus I had grown since I couldn't grow any other plant because I was never home to take care of them in case.

"It's cute", he said as he picked the potted plant and stared at it for a little while and I stood behind him and watched him see it.

"You know your pupils dilate when you see plants", I said and he smiled to himself. He kept the cactus back in its resting place and stared at me. "What?", I asked him.

"You were going to say something", he said, his voice sounded deeper then usual for a second and I licked my bottom lip in haste.

"Oh that, you know the alterations you made? I will directly mail it to the staff and maybe cc you because it won't need a second check anyway. I've to get this done a little early since I've--", he turned towards me and I took a step back but there was barely any space and my back was pressed against the wall, "--what is it?", I asked but it came out as a whisper.

"Here", he dragged his index finger across my bottom lip and there was something on my lip. I didn't really see what was on there because of his presence so close to me. My heartbeat had fastened and I could feel it. Something I didn't want to feel.

"Thanks, I guess", I said slowly and he flashed his dimple smile at me and in that moment he seemed the opposite of the dominant he was a few seconds ago.

"Do you know you look really good?", he said, as his fingers ran across my ear touching the piercings one by one. I regretted having three all of a sudden. "And I didn't intended to do this but ___ I uh", he bent over a little, his lips a few inches away from my ear and his breath was falling on my neck.

"Namjoon", I said, trying to not look at him. I knew damn well I couldn't be able to control myself.

"Hmm", his voice was so small and I could feel goosebumps all over my neck. His gaze on me was strong and I had jitters in my stomach.

"I, uh--let's not okay", I put my hands on his shoulder as he pulled me more closer with a jolt and I gasped.

"Do you really not want to?", he asked me. It was a while since I was in this close proximity of someone like this but my subconscious kept telling me not to. "I don't understand what you find so undesirable about me", he took a few steps back and looked away.

What?

"Do you think I find you undesirable?", I asked him, pressing my lips suppressing my smile. I couldn't get how could he change roles in a span of few seconds.

"Yeah, it's pretty evident really", he sighed, looking at the the far side of the sky at the horizon and I saw him sulking.

"It's not that, are you fucking dumb? It's just you know you shouldn't start things you can't take care of", I said. For some reason I've always felt a little hesitant with him. "But you're desirable enough", I added.

"Sudden validation from you, ah", he clicked his lips in mockery and I felt bad. The last thing I wanted was to look like I was playing hard to get. I didn't feel competent enough in my heart. "Let me kiss you", he said, taking a few steps closer breaking the chain of my thoughts and I hated being so much in control and feeling a little out of place.

I was back to where I was a few seconds ago, me cornered and he put his lips on mine and my body automatically responded. He took over me in a second. My hands rested on his back and clutched the fabric. His hands travelled below my hips as he pulled me upwards and my legs wrapped around his waist. He didn't stop kissing me for one second and I didn't want him to, as he pressed his mouth harder on mine and I bit back a moan. I could feel the heat in my body and every vein seemed to electrify. He walked me up-to my bedroom like he knew which suddenly felt foreign to me as he laid me on the bed, breaking the kiss and I was breathless, panting for air.

I didn't had any resort in me to stop. I didn't want him to stop. I couldn't care more about whatever that had me concerned for a while. He watched me look at him and his lips curved in a smirk. "Should I stop?", he teased me taking a seat on the edge of the bed and I looked away from him to the right side, scoffing.

I pushed myself up, my hands at the hem of the lose white t-shirt I'd on and for a second I hesitated at the fact that he must've seen better flesh than mine but I pulled it upwards exposing myself in front of him as his eyes went everywhere. "Do you want to stop?", I asked him, as I crawled over to him. He didn't object as I sat on his lap and took his face in my hands. I looked in his eyes. He looked beautiful. I traced the outline of his skull, his jaw as I pushed his hair locks that were on his forehead behind. "Do you want to stop Namjoon?", I asked him again as he held me tight, giving me my answer.

He tugged at my neck with his mouth leaving a trail of gentle kisses down and I could feel my nipples startlingly prominent beneath the black lightweight bra I had on. I clutched his hair as he bit my neck suddenly and I gasped.

He pushed me on to him, nearer but there was barely any space for me to come close and I could feel him all over. He messily kissed me before groping my bottom and I-I cut a breath in. He would take turns and be gentler a second and rough the another. "Namjoon", I called out gasping which fueled him even more. He looked at me and smiled proudly at how he had me without doing much.

He flicked the straps of my bra shoving it down exposing my breasts and I could feel my nipples harden to the point it was painful. I wanted him. I wanted him to touch me, more. The way my body responded to his touch was almost funny, how quick, how wet.

I patiently unbuttoned his shirt and stripped it off of him while he looked at me with a gaze I couldn't quite make anything of, he just looked at me while he let me work on him. My hands touched his chest and my eyes examined his torso, his skin was warm and his gaze on me gave me confidence like he wanted me back as much I wanted him.

I was forgetting my own desperation for his touch as my hand traveled behind his back, trailing down to his spine and he looked at me as he cut a sharp breath in and I felt good seeing him giving in to me. His arms surrounded mine unclasping my bra in a second and he threw it off on the floor.

I half expected him to grab me and grope my breast but he swept me in his arms as his vaguely pink mouth pressed against mine and instead of hastily grabbing me, his mouth simply rested against mine and it was worse, much more intoxicating. I, on instinct coiled my arms against his neck.

As my tongue demanded entrance and he smiled before letting me, and in a second, roles were reversed, the romantic was gone. He took control and pressed his mouth harder on me with his thumb and finger pressing my nipple and my nails dug deeper in his neck. "Joon...", I on instinct called out, as I gasped for breath but he didn't let me.

He was hard against me and I grinded next to him which seemed to please him while he left my mouth, burning with a wanting for more while my sex clenched as he took control of my body putting his arms around my back and they were free to go anywhere. I wouldn't dare stop him.

A second later, he laid me on the bed and hovered over me before taking my shorts off in a whirl and pushed my underwear off me that it didn't seem reusable. I anticipated his actions but he pushed a thumb into my bottom without no warning and I clutched the sheets, a yell escaping my mouth. My fingers curled meanwhile his other arm grabbed my breast cupping it and a second later his forefinger and middle finger slipped inside of me and my grip on the sheets tightened.

"Shh", he hissed in my ear and I hadn't realized a moan had escaped my mouth. My whole body rocked in less then a minute and I couldn't control my voice, I gasped for breath and I moaned even louder then before. "I didn't take you for a screamer ___", Namjoon seemed amused while embarrassment washed over me as I laid exposed in front of him.

"Let me go down on you", I told him and he looked taken aback as I pushed myself up.

"Do you really want to?", he asked and I shifted closer to him, placing a gentle kiss on his lips.

"I would love to", I told him. "Do you want me to?", I asked him.

"Yeah, I mean yeah", he said when his phone rang echoing in the room and his face flushed into irritation as he looked at me and I nodded gesturing him to take it. He took it out of his pocket and answered it. With every word he spoke, his irritation grew. He hung up the phone call. "Where's the wardrobe?", he asked me and my eyes pointed behind him.

Namjoon opened my wardrobe and took out a very lose t-shirt of his choice from my stack of comfortable clothes. He held my arms and slipped the t-shirt on me, pulling me close. He stroked my face and he smiled in my face which forced me to smile as well.

"Am I suppose to expect something from you or should I forget this?", I asked him as his fingers tucked the few strands of my hair behind my ear.

"You're supposed to expect everything, don't dare forget it", he whispered in my ear, nibbling on it and I couldn't help but giggle. "I want to talk to you but I've to go now and I hate it", he smiled at me.

"Okay, go", I told him and he chuckled before letting me off him and he wore his shirt back on.

After seeing him off and taking a shower, I laid back on the couch in the living room thinking about everything that had happened. I didn't regret it, I wasn't thinking much about it anyway.

The guys I'd sex with or made out with, I disliked them because of their narcissism. I appreciated my ability to find guys that were a-grade assholes. I've always had this feeling that I am lacking in some sense with other people. I look normal, like I should but I get this insecurity when taking my clothes off.

I didn't knew what Namjoon thought about it and asking him would be weird. No one who knows me like him would think I am this insecure or anxious about this stuff but then a major part of it has to do with my aura, I guess?

________________

I took a bite of the sandwich that I held in my hand as I walked around the second set just nearby to the first one. I stood afar, taking a good look, even though the storyboard fits the sights I still need to frame out a rough sketch work in my head.

I took another bite staring at the beach and the path to it and then back to the set that we'd build up by man power. It was pretty accurate in my eyes but I wanted to hear from my assistant director.

I took the walkie talkie out from the pocket of my denim and pressed the centre button, "Jae-chan, where are you?"

In a second he reverted, "Ah sunbae I am near the gripper".

"Come to the road that leads to the beach", I said, before shoving the walkie talkie down in my pocket.

The sea met the sky at the far point of the horizon and how the world is full of these illusions which are not real we know but we still believe. After all there's beauty in things that you don't get. Vastness maybe?

Sea and sky — the two melancholic blues.

"Sunbae?", Jae Chan broke the chain of my thoughts and I glanced at him before looking at the sea. His breath was heavy, I could tell he ran here.

"You could have walked, Chan-ah", I said, smiling. He was really young and passionate about filmmaking but also a little silly. He's cute.

"Ah it's okay. Did you need something?", he asked politely and I shook my head. I liked the input of many people on the same thing, it showed the number of opinions that could centre around one thing that you make in a different context which is then perceived in another.

"Do you think this is accurate in terms of the story board?", I asked him and he seemed lost in thought.

"I would say slightly better because the storyboard is still animation and this is real so I would say better. I'm pretty sure it'll be good sunbae", he told me and I could feel a smile flush on my lips. "You are nervous, aren't you?", he asked me.

"Yeah", I wrinkled my nose, turning around to walk off. I patted Jae Chan's back and he started walking with me.

"You don't have to be, and oh, he's here", he said assuring me and I knew who he meant by he.

My mind automatically went to the day in my apartment. Namjoon had messaged me after but he got busier with his work and I am not a text-er plus I'd a lot of things to do before I left Korea. It was, I didn't knew anything and I didn't want to think about it. I hoped he'd pretend nothing happened, please. But I knew he won't.

I sighed and as I entered the main set, around the vanity and food truck, the manager and Namjoon's staff members greeted me. After that, I mean impractically I wanted earth to open and swallow me. Living is hard anyway.

I'd a flight on the weekend, I'd to pack and I'd to get new boots but I'm just dumb because I'm trying to think of other things. I need a new nail paint, do I? I looked at my nails which were painted black. Maybe grey?

"Sunbae?", Jae Chan shook me and I looked at him. He gestured me to look up front and Namjoon was right there looking like Namjoon.

"Hi", I awkwardly waved at him.

"Hi", he flashed his dimple smile at me. His dimple smile hits me.

"You can get the makeup and hair done, I've a few things to recheck", I excused myself. This is awkward. This is so awkward. I hate it.

Δ

Even though I had that awkwardness lingering around but we were nearing to the end of the shoot which went really good because everyone worked so hard. It was mostly one-takes and the lighting supported the whole setting making it so easier for us to finish.

Moreover, it was a while since I had done a music video so it felt good being back on a set like this. Namjoon looked really good with the styling and although I knew the outfits pre-shoot, he still looked better then I'd imagined him to look which enhanced the whole vibe of the music video. He owned earthly tones.

That's why casting and styling is so important. Very much. Makes a gigantic difference.

"What's wrong with you?", I didn't notice he was standing next to me with a small fan in his hands while we prepped for the last shot.

"What's wrong with me?", I asked him, as I adjusted the frame in the main camera. I didn't want this conversation especially right now, especially here.

"I mean...you knowww?", I could feel his stare while I shifted the camera, something is wrong with this.

"I don't know", I said, without looking at him. I was unintentionally making him mad and nothing else.

"I was really scared that you'd say this and see, I mean, why can't you behave normal when I mention anything about us?", he hissed near me and I looked around. Luckily there was no one in our proximity to hear this conversation.

"I-I, Namjoon", I exclaimed, vaguely pointing at the setting hoping we could do this later and I could explain that I would love us but he needs to understand that I won't even be in Korea as much as he thinks I would be and that's why it won't work out.

"I don't care", he eyed me.

"I do. I care, okay? There's no us to begin with and I know I was stupid enough to ask you what I should expect out of, what would you call it, we made out. That's that", I tried being really slow and I could feel annoyance in his sight.

"Made out! Okay, okay fine. I can't believe I deal with you. You're the one who doesn't text or call or even respond to it and that's bare minimum ___", he pondered and I internally rolled my eyes.

I was leaving on the weekend. I was always leaving. That's it. "I don't have to and I have a life Namjoon. I've been working non stop all this time. I don't expect you to understand", I said, standing up from my seat while I called for the head DOP from the walkie talkie.

"You don't want to be understood ___", Namjoon said, grabbing me from my arm and stopping me. He wasn't wrong. A few eyes snapped and I forced a smile immediately. "I like you, I like you a lot. Deal with it", he walked past me.

Deal with it.

As if.

Very abruptly, the last shot rolled in and it was over. The music video was done in a day. It was originally a two day sketch but we had to narrow it down to one day because of Namjoon's schedule and it was worrisome because it did seem impossible but things went smoothly and it was successfully over.

I told Jae Chan to wrap the filming site, though most of it was done while I was present. I picked my bag from a table to leave, kept right ahead from the vanity. Namjoon had left, I guess. I wasn't sure because after the last shot he was angry. He had his jaw clenched all that time, he barely managed to keep it out on the music video.

He was like this, his anger was pretty evident and that hadn't changed.

I like you. I like you a lot.

I couldn't wrap my head around that thought. Did he like me all this time? It sounded pretty crazy to me. I had never thought about anything with Namjoon. He was a friend I could like but I didn't, I had never expected anything out of my acquaintance with him anyway.

"You ate?", his deep voice made me look at him who stood at the steps of the vanity. He hadn't left yet.

"No", I said. He had changed into his normal clothes, the makeup was gone but he still looked great. His natural complexion was shining as the set lights fell onto his face. It made me surer how Namjoon needed someone who could be there rather then somebody who's never there.

"Come eat something", he said calmly. He looked much composed then before.

"I am not hungry", I stated just when he darted towards me. He held me by my forearm, dragging me into the vanity which was empty except for us. A few dishes were laid out on the table in front of the small couch.

"Eat and leave", he said, taking a seat on one of the chairs in front of the mirrors fidgeting with his phone while I quietly sat on the couch. I just wanted it to be over but I'd no appetite so I kept staring at the couple of Italian dishes which were pasta, carbonara I guess, rissoto and also jjangmyeong. "Just eat anything ___", he said, without bothering to look at me.

"I don't really have an appetite", I said, throwing my head back and looking at the ceiling of the vanity.

"What you've is a habit of skipping meals", he eyed me.

I looked at him. "Do you remember everything? Like literally everything?", I asked him as curiosity brimmed in my eyes.

"You don't?", he asked me back. "Well, for me, yeah I do. I did remember every thing but I should probably forget now. I didn't really asked to work with you because I wanted something but I can't say I didn't hope", he locked his phone and kept it on the space in front him. "I mean, we did had something. We did have something a few days ago. You can't exactly call me a friend and I've never seen you as one. The moment you walked in trying to fix the mess on the set since then till now I can't say I didn't hope you'd look at me the same way", he said, bringing all the memories back alive, but it was true, I never looked at him the way he'd wanted me to, hell, I couldn't believe it one bit. "It's true", he said, as if he just read my mind.

It was, it didn't made sense to me. How could he? Why would he? I uh, I think shit's wrong with me because even now I can't seem to focus on someone who confessed their feelings and that someone being Namjoon from all people.

I remember when I was one of the assistant directors under the director for one of the most low-key and low budget project. They didn't had many resources and our firm wasn't doing well either. We always had to come up with hacks, unknown locations for shooting...it was always so hard. We didn't had any respect in the industry.

It was two companies in one boat at the end of bankruptcy and we were so young and such good friends. I knew the rest of the members too but I kind of had a certain vibe with Namjoon. He could get me without having to speak.

I locked at him, his face was fixated on me and I could like him, in fact I did love him not romantically, I just did. I had a lot of love for him. He was caring for the people around him and I loved talking to him. He never once made anyone feel like he was a celebrity back then and a global celebrity now well yeah. He did deserve someone who could be here for him.

He stood up and walked towards me and my eyes followed him. He took a seat next to me and I could see he picked a bowl up but I didn't see which one because I couldn't stop looking at him. Namjoon took a significant amount and extended it to me and I looked at the noodles for a second and then at him. He just nodded and I ate it.

It was good.

"Thanks", I said, wiping the corners of my mouth with my fingers.

"Do you want me to feed you all the way or can you eat your own?", he asked me.

"I will eat", I told him and he gave me the bowl so I could eat on my own. "You ate?", I asked him and he instantly nodded.

"You're going somewhere, aren't you?", he asked me and I felt as if I've just been struck with something.

"Hmm", I said, my mouth almost filled. "And, I...I want to tell you something like adults and clear it. Namjoon you know my work and I am always not here, never. It's useless. Trust me on this, it's not like that but you know you'll need someone beside you and I can't be the one", I told him, calmly, before gulping water down.

"I know that but I'm okay with it. In fact, we would go hand in hand better because I can't take you out on exotic dates as well. This is what you get", he vaguely gestured at the vanity and I chuckled and he warmly smiled at me.

After a second, I spoke much seriously then before, "It will be hard and you know that. It'll be frustrating. You could hate me".

"If you've tired it with someone before, I am not exactly happy knowing this, but you shouldn't compare me with some random dude with a peculiar taste in leather clothing", he rolled his eyes, shifting his back comfortably.

"Hey! Don't be mean just because you see stuff on my Instagram", I scoffed and he maintained his long face.

"No really, what do you take me for? You think you won't have time for me? I won't have time for you", he went on.

"Namjoon", I dragged his name. His tendency to be sarcastic at odd moments is unmatched.

"Don't call my name like that", he stared at my eyes.

"Like what?", I asked him.

"Like you can love me", he said.

"I...you don't have to be like this", I said, keeping the empty bowl on the table.

"Give me a chance then, try it out. I would wait for you I promise", Namjoon took my hand in his and covered it with his warmth.

"Will I be able to...wait?", I looked away from him, thinking about it so hard.

"___ don't think too much. I promise, we'll be fine", he said, his hands travelling to my waist and before he could grab it. I screeched closer to him. I cupped his face and attached my lips to his, while his hands held on my body.

________________

My relationship with Namjoon was better then I imagined it. I tried my best to be there for him and he was surprisingly almost there for me but it wasn't exactly easy.

It was months and months of hardships and Namjoon was more needy then I thought him to be, he needed a lot of assurance. I don't understand the notion that he holds of everyone wanting me so he needs to be extra careful. I still don't get that his insecure ass doesn't trusts his own members, he won't let me meet them at all.

He was really different. He shifted from dominant to romantic in one second. I loved that. I kind of missed it so much.

He held my hand I could feel it by the way his skin felt against mine, he whirled me around and in a second his hand rested on my waist as he urged me to walk next to him. He was in a perfect disguise and I looked at him. I could tell he was smiling beneath his black mask.

"See, this is why I don't trust other guys! How could you let someone do this to you in the midst of the road in a foreign country?", he asked me.

"No stranger would confidently do this to anyone in a foreign country", I playfully hit him on his leg and he stopped, pretending to be gravely hurt. "I can't believe you", I looked at him as I went with his act. I supported him in standing completely. In a second, he intertwined his fingers with mine.

"I missed you", he softly whispered in my ear.

"I missed you too", I whispered back, softly. I pulled him in an empty alley and pulled his mask down. "I need you to do something", I told him, nibbling on his ear and I could feel my skin feel the heat that it yearned for since a couple of months before him going on tour.

"Right now?", he asked surprised.

"Yeah, right now", I said and I could feel him harden against my pelvis.

"You are...so, not right now. Let's go to your hotel room. I'm still famous", he pulled me closer and I chuckled. He turned me around, pulling his mask down, he kissed me hard. His mouth pressed against mine. I held him tightly and he gasped. "I love you", he softly said before pulling his mask up.

"I, you", I held his hand again.