#truly i suffer for my art (by which i mean weird tumblr posts)

[kvetchinglyneurotic]

Don't you just take the past and put it in a room in the basement and lock the door and never go in there? [...] And then you meet someone special and all you want to do is toss them the key. Say, "Open up. Step inside." But you can't. Because it's dark and there are demons, and if anybody saw how ugly it is...

-The Talented Mr. Ripley (1999)

[fallenhero-rebirth]

Brain update

First, let me say that this isn't about what anybody has done. My reactions are not in proportion to anything that has happened, and might be considered odd, weird and sensitive to people involved.

So let me explain.

I'm an Aspie (what we call ourselves in Sweden), on the autism spectrum. Yeah, might have guessed that from the story I'm writing, Sidestep is not the only one trying to figure out how people work.

Over the years I have built up an arsenal of knowledge and analysis to be able to pretend to be neurotypical, something that I can manage alright most days, but which breaks down once you get to know me better. I'm open with this at my current job, and luckily both my bosses seem to be okay dealing with open communication and just telling me what I need to do.

It was not always like this, and that is one of the reasons why I had a breakdown and needed to get off discord/tumblr.

Back in the late nineties, I had finally got my dream job. I was a product developer in the food industry, part of a rather small department of middle-class academics. I was the new hire, everyone else had worked there for years, and things were going well. Or so I assumed. I got cool projects, got along well with one of the sales people, and well, my boss was weird but bosses always are.

Three years later. Our parent company wanted to sell us off, everyone was starting to get worried about their job. We tried to expand into things were weren't equipped to do (you don't bring spices into a fruit jam line, will be hell to clean) and while I did the projects, I also raised an (in retrospect) too big stink about the fact that we were wasting time developing things we couldn't produce without expanding. My boss (who I had learned was a devout christian) started to get really weird, I got called in and he wondered if I was a member of a cult (I was often wearing a headscarf at the time because pressure on my head is good for stress relief). I also got told off for wearing army boots to work (we had lab shoes in the lab), because (I kid you not) if we had danish visitors to the lab (we didn't have visitors) they could be offended since they had once been occupied by Nazis. Yes, at the time I was an Antifa metalhead/satanist, it was a very volatile time in sweden and nazis were everywhere. Now they're a political party, go figure.

It all came to a head when I was confronted with a folder one of the secretaries of the department had where she had written down every odd and strange thing that I did, and there were a lot of accusations of things I quite frankly blocked out. Around this time I was suffering from bad burnout, had memory loss, my hair was falling out and I lost two bikes because I forgot where I parked them. All because of workplace hostility.

So for the first time ever, I went to the company doctor, who immediately sent me on a one month sick leave, and gave a reference to a therapist. When I went and told my boss, his reaction was "It can't be anything at work," in a dismissive tone. I wrote my resignation right then and there, left the building, snuck back a Saturday to clean out my stuff so I didn't have to meet anyone. Luckily I was backed up by my union, so I got unemployment despite quitting, and the therapist helped me get back on my feet and hook me up with some antidepressants.

Still, I was a wreck for years.

At the time, I had NO idea I was an Aspie. It weren't talked about, the only thing I knew about Autism, was from the various portrayals in movies, and well, in the nineties you can guess. Rainman pretty much was it.

What destroyed me the most was not that people disliked me, I didn't like them either, we didn't have anything in common, and middle-class people always scared me. No, what broke me was the fact that my system failed.

See, I had built up myself over ten years into someone I wanted to be. Smart. Capable. Metalhead. Researcher. Activist. I thought I knew the rules. How to interact.

It turned out I knew nothing. People had been talking behind my back for years, and I didn't know. Getting annoyed by my ticks, and I had no idea. Nobody ever brought anything up to my face until it exploded one day out of the blue. This is why I have ranted about anons on this tumblr. This is why I have been so openly against passive aggressive posts and bullying, especially the anonymous kind, because it destroys people and I don't think the people who does it knows the impact they can have. I hope they don't.

I have never gone back to the lab. I can't. I'm having heart palpitations just thinking about it when I'm writing this. I retrained. Became a machinist. Back to the working class I came from. Eventually started writing.

And this is exactly what these last months have felt like.

I thought I understood things. I was pretty open with being old, an Aspie, not understanding memes, or humor, or tik tok, or certain aspects of people's behavior like jealousy, but the problem with joking about this is that it's so easy to take as just a joke. That I'm just making fun of myself (oh it's that too). I got advice from some of you, which I ignored, because I thought that I could be different. That there was no danger in getting close. That I could be just another voice in the crowd. An occasionally evil avocado. That this couldn't blow up in my face, that everything was cool.

And then it did. And I was wrong. And the talking started, and things were coming out that I had no idea that was going on. That I was being held responsible for. Opinions that were spoken in my name. Events I was supposed to have been aware of and supported. All of a sudden I was omniscient, aware of the true passive aggressive meaning of every reblog, aware of every post in every room in the discord I wasn't even running. Wasn't even a mod on. All of a sudden I had power, and I had used it to hurt people. The people I cared about. Everything I wrote was taken in the worst possible way, twisted into things I never meant, and the more I tried to talk to people, the worse it went.

Look. I know this was at heart a war between people that just doesn't like each other and the things they do/the ways they behave. I'm still not entirely sure who's been involved, and I'm not interested in finding out. I tried to build a supportive space, reblog everyone's art and fics, encourage people to make their own things, get a kofi, get some money, make some friends.

And herein lies my problem.

I thought I understood how to be, and now I don't. I have no idea who hates my guts and who doesn't (well, except some who has very vocally let me know). I can't trust anything. I can't trust anyone. And it sucks. Someone I trusted stabbed be in the back because they were convinced I stabbed them in the back and that sucks more than I can describe. Every time I make a comment on AO3 or twitter it's after psyching myself up for half an hour, and I'm usually a wreck afterwards, because my brain doesn't know if they hate me too, and if I am imposing on them and making their day bad.

So yeah. I need to figure out how to be. How not to have a nausea attack every time I accidentally click open tumblr from pure reflex, looking away from the screen just not to see how may messages I have.

I never wanted to be the aloof author, but maybe I have to be. The question is if I can. I have been told I can't comment on pics or fics, because then I have favorites. And that makes people jealous. And it makes people think I take sides. I have been told I can't be on the discord, because then I will be held responsible for what the mods do there, and everything that's said even when I'm not around. I should apparently have someone manage the tumblr, it's not something that I, an author should do.

I now understand the authors who just stay away and remain distant, because people give themselves the power to write the narrative for you.

Part of me wants to tell people what I've told my current bosses, don't assume, just talk to me. I don't pick up/do passive aggression, I don't understand hints, I have trouble with nuance, I don't listen to gossip, I don't interact enough to know anything that's going on. Just ask before assuming.

Except that right now I can't. I can't talk about any of this. It's too close. It sets me off. It's getting better, sure, I'm on medication again, but the smallest thing still can ruin my entire day. I have no idea how long it will take me to recover and come back to some semblance of normality. I'm not posting this myself (my partner does). Writing is going well, because it lets me not be myself. I need those walls again. The therapy of writing about pain.

I'll rebuild them. I'm not entirely sure who I'll be on the other end of it. We'll see.

I have consciously not spoken about any details because those could be misunderstood, this is not a passive aggressive callout to anybody. I have no hard feelings towards anyone, I am not angry or upset, just confused and sad. I am truly so very, very, very sorry that I've hurt people, both by action and inaction. It was never my intention. I will do my best to do better in the future.

Still working on how to do that.

[aimai-ronri]

Reworking the Fuzzy Gaming Quest

This is the first time I've ever blogged publicly about something like this. I usually talk to friends about it, but I just as often don't say anything, because when I talk about video-games I get hyperfocused and sometimes the conversation takes a long time, so I often feel like it's a bit rude to get people wrapped up in it. But I remembered I have a tumblr now and people actually blog on here sometimes, so: prepare to suffer.

To set up why I'm so weird about games allow me to explain: first of all, I'm obviously not neurotypical in some way I don't know but one day would like to figure out. SECOND, I've been playing video-games literally since I can remember. My first real memories of cognition are watching my dad put cartridges in the NES, and climbing on the bed to put our Thai bootleg cart in there myself so I could play weird sprite hacks of Super Mario Bros. So anyway, gaming has factored heavily in my life since the beginning.

Anyway long story short, this has led to, for a long time, me wanting to leave some kind of legacy behind me in the form of a trail of beaten-up old video-games. Often this takes the form of just wanting to curate out a collection (physical or unholy--I mean digital) that I can leave behind in some state of completion, but on top of that it comes as me wanting to sit down and truly spend time with the games that are most important to my history over the course of my lifetime.

This has led to me making innumerable 'systems' for approaching the task of having a humongous backlog of video-games (some might say longer than is completable than anyone in a life time, and I recognize this) and often these systems get replaced or revised for being inadequate in some way. The latest no-thought system on my part was the Fuzzy Gaming Quest, in which the goal was basically to play through games starting from the beginning of time and blasting through at hyper-speed, with the intention of covering as much ground in order to induce familiarity as fast as possible with arcade games from an era I've rarely played (but longed for in my old man's soul).

This was working but I quickly ran into a snag (after recording about 250 videos 😥): I wasn't spending as much time with individual games as I'd like by any means. On one hand, I was backlogging games I was enjoying just to get them out of the way and continue the progress. On the other, sometimes I wasn't sure how much time you'd even spend with a game to consider yourself familiarized enough to rank it in some way, without necessarily having to beat everything (who has the time?). Not to mention arcade games that have no viable ending for the regular player (Pac-Man, Galaga, etc).

So anyway all this is leading up to me explaining the next iteration of the Fuzzy Gaming Quest. Here's a picture!

What you're looking at is essentially a 7 day scoreboard for various games that I selected out as important during my previous pass through the 70s and most of the 80s. These are all games I wanted to play more of or possibly log in a list.

7 days is my naive answer to how long I think would be good to spend on a game, in order to get competent enough at it to get a decent score and/or feel you've experienced your average game enough to go ahead and put it somewhere in a list. It might seem like overkill for a simple arcade game (though I'd argue you need to play repeatedly and give your brain time to absorb it to get the true experience), and it may seem like underkill for an RPG (though I'd argue that most RPGs probably aren't changing much more if you've been playing for 7 days already, but this doesn't forbid from continuing to play if I choose to), but this is my naive and probably flawed answer, anyway.

This is meant to serve the purpose of: - Progressing reasonably fast (notice this is a list of basically banger games everyone has heard of, I will probably only include a few games here or there that are lesser known that I just happen to like--I'll also be avoiding some consoles intentionally that I don't particularly like (like the Odyssey 2, sorry, it's my list though--convince me otherwise if you like)) - Filtering into some kind of "best of" list (if I don't even want to play it for 7 days (in brief sessions), it must not be very good after all and doesn't deserve to be on any best of list I would leave behind me--games that I do get through the 7 days I should understand enough to rank competently enough to make myself happy) - Giving me an excuse to spend more time on the games that really matter to me, today, in case I get hit by a bus tomorrow - Giving me a target for when I'm able to comfortably say I've experienced a game enough and don't need to feel bad about moving on if I want to but still haven't "beat it," and also leaving room for playing more if I like (I can sort it, take it off the board, but finish it anyway on the DL) (Also, if I do beat it, I can stop there with the board) - Satisfying whatever kind of ADHD thing I have going on by allowing me to keep a variety of games on rotation for some amount of time and not just getting stuck behind one game at a time - Breaking game experiences down over multiple days to allow a longer time to think about them and grow accustomed to them, also to allow me to fit them into my busy schedule by playing Space Invaders on the toilet for ~10 minutes - To leave behind a journal of high scores or information about how far I got in various games as I plod on

So, you may (rightly) ask: What's the point of all this? Why can't I just play games that I like and call it a day?

Well my first answer would be, "shut up I know you're right I just can't, my brain is broken," but my second answer, the one I would say aloud, might be that I really have always wanted to take a targeted approach to going through all of game history and that's what this is in service of.

I have no false expectations about getting all the way through game history up to now in one lifetime, at least not without sacrificing a lot of games in the process. I definitely won't ever get to the point where I'm always keeping up with contemporary games. It's lucky for me that I mostly fell out of favor with games around 2011 for various reasons, but really it had been a steady decline of interest since about 2005 or so. I have a shorter-hand target, but if I were to ever reach it, I'd like to keep going on, even if it means playing PS4 games in 2061 when I'm almost as old as my dad is now.

Anyway, your second question (and wow, if you made it this far) might be: "so what does this mean for your tumblr, which I care about intimately after seeing 20 posts, and was gutted when you temporarily took a break, and have been looking for meaning in my life ever since?"

Well, true believer, if you want I might post my 7 day high-score for various arcade games or something along with some pictures or videos of high points of the game (when I get to games complicated enough to have cool art). I haven't decided yet. I'm open to suggestions! I'd love to see people try to (and succeed!) at beating my scores (I'd feel like I influenced someone into maybe playing some old, great game they wouldn't have before deciding to just then).

If nothing else I hope it was interesting to see my thought process about this stuff.

If that's not true, I hope you were entertained by a write up of someone's journey ever deeper into video-game delirium.

And yes, I will get frustrated with the system and change it again in approximately a month.

[kangtaebins]

Weird Asks That Say A Lot

I said I was going to just answer all of these bc of boredom,, and so here I am

1. Coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans? Teacups are aesthetically pleasing idc what anyone says

2. Chocolate bars or lollipops? Lollipops

3. Bubblegum or cotton candy? Cotton candy supremacy

4. How did your elementary school teachers describe you? I was told that I was a leader a lot, and was told that I was very intelligent. Ah yes, I suffered from gifted kid burn out in high school-

5. Do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups? Look, plastic cups are the best. Specifically the ones with the lids and reusable straws

6. Pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear? It truly depends on the day bc some days I would say goth and other days I’d say grunge, but most days- pastel

7. Earbuds or headphones? Earbuds

8. Movies or TV shows? TV shows bc- idk actually I’m just not a movie person

9. Favorite smell in the summer? I have a weird obsession with the smell of cheap sunscreen and I have no clue why

10. Game you were best at in p.e.? I hated gym in high school and rarely participated despite the teacher being irritated with me (truly she gave up after a few months bc I really did not care at all) HOWEVER- I went to town in volleyball and still enjoy playing volleyball v much

11. What do you have for breakfast on an average day? I don’t eat breakfast often,,, 

12. Name of your favorite playlist? Probably my Navy or Indigo playlist

13. Lanyard or key ring? Key ring 

14. Favorite non-chocolate candy? Anything green apple!!!

15. Favorite book you read as a school assignment? I actually genuinely enjoyed Romeo And Juliet tbh

16. Most comfortable position to sit in? I always curl up in a ball on the couch, but in a chair I manspread ngl

17. Most frequently worn pair of shoes? Nike slides <//3

18. Ideal weather? Between 50-70 degrees, sunny but not warm, being able to wear a hoodie and not be hot or cold

19. Sleeping position? I usually either sleep on my left side or on my stomach (my back once in a while when it’s hurting bc I’m a hag)

20. Preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)? I write on my phone more than anything

21. Obsession from childhood? Hm- I was really obsessed with High School Musical as a kid. My friend and I would put it on and lip sync to the songs and pretend we were the characters

22. Role model? Is it- wrong to say myself? Bc I feel like that sounds arrogant but genuinely it’s bc I’m constantly trying to better myself mentally and learn and grow. Idk I just am proud of who I am and look to myself when I need to find motivation

23. Strange habits? Strange? Idk if it’s strange but I’m constantly twiddling with the hem of my sleeves bc I love the feeling of it

24. Favorite crystal? Citrine 

25. First song you remember hearing? WH- bitch idk tf

26. Favorite activity to do in warm weather? Stay tf inside in the air conditioning

27. Favorite activity to do in cold weather? Stay tf inside in the heat

28. Five songs to describe you? To describe me?? Girl idk I'm all over the place. How about songs that resonate with me instead,,, Alive by Khalid, Paranoid by Lauv, Phobia by Dvwn, Fake Smile by Ariana Grande, and Breathin by Ariana Grande

29. Best way to bond with you? Truly I'm not very difficult to get along with, just don't be an asshole. Talk to me about psychology, current events, say Soobin is the cutest to exist idk it's not that hard

30. Places that you find sacred? I- hm. I'm not like a church person or anything so idk. Maybe just anything really old or places with very detailed and unique architecture

31. What outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names? I don't own many clothes,,, let alone nice clothes. I also don't really dress to impress I'd much rather be comfortable

32. Top five favorite vines? Oh god if I h a d to pick???? The lipstick in the Valentino bag, they were roommates, it's an avocado- thaaanks, jared 19, and uh,,, zach stooppp you're gonna get in trouble

33. Most used phrase in your phone? Tbh it's probably "girl what-" or "no bc"

34. Advertisements you have stuck in your head? That 877-CASH-NOW ONE JFC

35. Average time you fall asleep? Between 11pm-1am

36. What is the first meme you remember ever seeing? Probably the troll face one or smth

37. Suitcase or duffel bag? Suitcase

38. Lemonade or tea? I mix them together!

39. Lemon cake or lemon meringue pie? Lemon meringue pie bc I don't really like cake

40. Weirdest thing to ever happen at your school? Y'all I- went to a hs/college mixed school,, I've seen it all. Weirdest?? Idk but one weird thing I remember was when we were making whistles in art and some dude made a penis whistle 😭

41. Last person you texted? My best friend :))

42. Jacket pockets or pants pockets? Jacket pockets

43. Hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket? Hoodie 100%

44. Favorite scent for soap? I love soaps that smell like soap. Like ok duh I know that sounds dumb but yk what I mean? I don't want lemon or mint or whatever, I like the plain soap smell

45. Which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero? Fantasy

46. Most comfortable outfit to sleep in? Oversized t-shirt, no pants. I question anyone that is comfortable sleeping with pants on-

47. Favorite type of cheese? Feta!

48. If you were a fruit, what kind would you be? I feel like I'd be a pineapple and I have no clue why

49. What saying or quote do you live by? Not necessarily a quote but more of a thought: live for yourself, enjoy each day, do what gives you joy

50. What made you laugh the hardest you ever have? I have had so many instances in which I have laughed so hard I peed and to even attempt to name one is impossible

51. Current stresses? Making sure my family gets their vaccines and stays safe

52. Favorite font? I don't think I have one? Anything except comic sans

53. What is the current state of your hands? What does this even mean 💀 I mean,, they're holding my phone, cold, and my nails are unpolished

54. What did you learn from your first job? That people are assholes but I'm capable of not giving a fuck bc life is not that damn serious

55. Favorite fairy tale? Is The Three Little Pigs considered a fairy tale?

56. Favorite tradition? Putting up the Christmas tree with my mom :( it's always a lot of fun

57. The three biggest struggles you’ve overcome? Depression, grief, and hopefully one day- smth I'm currently dealing with

58. Four talents you’re proud of having? Makeup!! But also: singing, crying on command, and tying cherry stems with my tongue

59. If you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be? Sick of these bitches

60. If you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be? I don't watch anime so idk

61. Favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.? It's this line from Eleanor & Park: "Eleanor was right: She never looked nice. She looked like art, and art wasn't supposed to look nice; it was supposed to make you feel something."

62. Seven characters you relate to? Holy hell, 7?? Probably won't get that many but hm,,, Darlene from Roseanne, Hermione from Harry Potter, Emily from Pretty Little Liars maybe?? Idk I suddenly blanked

63. Five songs that would play in your club? As if it's Your Last by BP, anything from SHINee, anything from Ariana, also anything Rihanna, just a bunch of women tbh

64. Favorite website from your childhood? FUCKING WEBKINZ BRO

65. Any permanent scars? I have a few on my arms idk where they came from tbh, I also have one on my hand from my sister 🧍🏻‍♀

66. Favorite flower(s)? Sunflowers!!! I also really love lilacs 💔

67. Good luck charms? My dog's collar that I wear as a bracelet

68. Worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried? Licorice-

69. A fun fact that you don’t know how you learned? It takes repeating a piece of information 12 times at random to memorize it completely

70. Left or right handed? Right

71. Least favorite pattern? Fucking chevron- and realistic camo, and anything with the American flag

72. Worst subject? Yall im awful at history. American history, world history, all of it-

73. Favorite weird flavor combo? Either pickles and peanut butter or cheese and grapes

74. At what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen? I'm stubborn but also always in pain so I've become numb to a lot of body pains. I have to be at like a 7-8 before I take smth otherwise I'd always be taking it

75. When did you lose your first tooth? I was probably like 5 I was definitely in Kindergarten

76. What’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)? I fw baked potatoes

77. Best plant to grow on a windowsill? I have a love for succulents

78. Coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store? Oh my- I don't drink coffee but coffee from a gas station

79. Which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo? Driver's license for sure

80. Earth tones or jewel tones? Jewel tones

81. Fireflies or lightning bugs? I say both,, but I think I say lightning bugs more

82. PC or console? PC

83. Writing or drawing? Both

84. Podcasts or talk radio? Podcasts definitely

84. Barbie or polly pocket? Barbie

85. Fairy tales or mythology? Fairy tales

86. Cookies or cupcakes? C o o k i e s

87. Your greatest fear? Losing people I love

88. Your greatest wish? To live comfortably and be a great mother

89. Who would you put before everyone else? My family

90. Luckiest mistake? Guessing on 90% of a test and getting an A 💀

91. Boxes or bags? Bags are easier to carry-

92. Lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights? Fairy lights!!

93. Nicknames? Sam, Sammi, my sister calls me Sams, my best friend calls me Bub, and my gf calls me Baby if that counts- 👀

94. Favorite season? Fall omg it's gorgeous and has perfect temperatures

95. Favorite app on your phone? ✨tumblr✨

96. Desktop background? Its literally a pic of Soobin, Taehyun, and Beomgyu

97. How many phone numbers do you have memorized? Like 4-5

98. Favorite historical era? The one where white people learn their fucking place and stop being racist, homophobic, classist, sexist, all the -ists and -phobics,,,, so none. Fuck history :))

[queentaylormademedoit]

How Scott Borchetta’s Statement ‘Exposing’ Taylor Swift Actually Proves Her Point Completely

First, here is Taylor Swift’s open letter:

https://taylorswift.tumblr.com/post/185958366550/for-years-i-asked-pleaded-for-a-chance-to-own-my (if the link is being weird you can find it on her tumblr)

And here is the link to Scott Borchetta’s responding statement:

https://t.co/OqGI4GoN3P

(If the link is being weird you can find it on his twitter)

Think he just revealed shocking information that Swift is an evil, crazy, lying woman who just wants to make ~drama~ for no reason? Think again. Let’s break down his statement piece by piece from the beginning.

To refute Borchetta’s misleading opening statements, Taylor Swift’s father was NOT on the shareholders phone calls because NDAs would not have allowed him to communicate any information to his daughter. Instead 13 Management Lawyer Jay Shaudies and Big Machine LLC Shareholder Frank Bell were on the call to represent her side. The hilarious thing is that Borchetta tries to call into question Taylor’s statement that she “woke up to the news (of the sale to Scooter Braun) with the rest of the world” by saying he thinks it is “possible” that they “didn’t say anything to Taylor over the prior 5 days” and “possible” that she “might not have seen” his text, but that he “truly doubts she woke up to the news when everyone else did”. During the time between June 25 to June 27th, the possible deal in SCOTT BORCHETTA’s OWN WORDS, was a “PROPOSED TRANSACTION”. Meaning, the deal was still in discussion, a vote had not occurred yet and Taylor was hoping that the majority of shareholders would not vote in Braun’s favor. On Friday, June 28th Borchetta says 3 of the 5 shareholders voted yes on the proposal.

Scott then says “I personally texted Taylor at 9:06 on Saturday, June 29th to inform her prior to the story breaking on the morning of June 30th so she could hear it directly from me”. That’s right. He said “so she could hear it directly from me” meaning that he knew he would be the first person to contact her with this information, my guess being that for “courtesy” as he puts it (aka image), he wanted it to come from him. Now, he suggests that Taylor must have seen this text message but here’s a couple things: #1: 9:06pm Nashville time IS nighttime and I imagine when you’re Taylor Swift you’re probably doing something or exhausted and sleeping, #2: MORE IMPORTANTLY it is extremely unlikely that Taylor was in Nashville. many believe that she was in London at this time (where she has a residence with her sweet British man), in which case it would have been 3AM for her. Even if she was in New York it would have been 10pm and she’s TAYLOR SWIFT she probably gets a million messages to go through a day, not to mention probably tries to have some semblance of a personal life. So yes, she did in fact “wake up to the news” that this deal was officially made, with the rest of the world. This is such a stupid detail that Taylor has absolutely no reason to lie about but Scott Borchetta tried to call her character into question with it so there ya go, it’s been addressed.

Moving on.

Her 13 Management team attorney is Donald S. Passman (also known as ‘the author of music law’-Roy Trakin, Grammy.com) who went over the initial “offer” (if you can even call it that) which Scott Borchetta made to Taylor. As Passman has explicitly said in public statements, “Scott Borchetta never gave Taylor Swift an opportunity to purchase her masters, or the label, outright with a check in the way he is now apparently doing for others”. This “offer” was NOT for such a purchase.

Taylor Swift had expressed to Scott Borchetta multiple times that she wanted a chance to bid outright for control of her masters, but was always denied. Considering how much her body of work of the last 13 years means to her (6 record-breaking, award winning albums with songs she penned from the heart), Taylor was reluctant to walk away, because she knew Borchetta would likely sell, and she’d never own her masters. So, her team discussed the possibilities of what control she could get over her works if she stayed for 7 years, but Scott Borchetta “offered” back that she stay on for 10 more years and could essentially earn these rights in trade for new materials created with the label. That is basically trapping her into a continuous cycle.

Scott is aware that this was not a good deal, as he defends himself in his statement saying, “We are an independent record company. We do not have tens of thousands of artists and recordings. My offer to Taylor, for the size of our company, was extraordinary. But it was also all I could offer as I am responsible for over 120 executives and their families”. While he tries to tug the heartstrings of readers to make him look so caring, the fact of the matter is this: Taylor Swift was the ONLY massive superstar that Scott Borchetta was ever able to get onto his label (not to mention she was his first client and the label was literally created because he found her and convinced a 15 year old girl and her family that in signing a 12 year contract he would remain loyal and supportive because ‘music has value’). Without Taylor’s works on the label, no big deal executive would likely want to buy it and certainly wouldn’t be worth $300 million. If Scott Borchetta really cared about the fact that he is “responsible for over 120 executives and their families” and believed that “music has value” he could have been open to the possibility of Taylor staying on for 7 more years and having greater ownership of the art she creates.

So, when Scott Borchetta stated that “Taylor Swift had every chance in the world to own not just her master recordings, but every video, photograph, everything associated with her career” he really means that she had the chance to very slowly gain these things back over the period of 10 YEARS in exchange for new music (which many have compared to a scare tactic, because he knew losing her would make his label next to worthless). That is not an opportunity for a purchase. Borchetta says Taylor chose to leave, and that is true: she made the excruciating decision to leave because she realized that if she stayed with Big Machine she would never be treated with the respect she deserved to own all that she creates. Also, I imagine being the only pop superstar on a small country artists label likely had its downsides. So, she sacrificed the rights to her past in exchange for a freer future. A painful choice, knowing that Scott Borchetta would likely sell one day, but she never imagined that he would be so disrespectful as to sell to Scooter Braun.

Now, let’s get into that part where Scott Borchetta gets EXCEPTIONALLY DESPICABLE :)

He says that he “certainly never experienced” Taylor “‘being in tears or close to it’ anytime Scooter Braun’s name was brought up”. That’s pretty much her word against his, but regardless of wether or not he knew she was about to cry in such moments, he knew that there was conflict. Borchetta writes, “Was I aware of some prior issues between Taylor and Justin Bieber? Yes,”. Those “issues” as absolutely everyone knows, DIRECTLY INVOLVED Scooter Braun, as was evident when Justin Bieber posted that photo to Instagram of himself FaceTiming Kanye, Scooter Braun, and another man I have yet to identify, captioned “Taylor Swift what up”.

That post showed that these men were publicly laughing at what a lot of people thought would be Taylor Swift’s downfall. At that time, Kim Kardashian (Kanye’s wife) had released snippets of an orchestrated phone call between Kanye and Taylor which was recorded without Taylor’s knowledge. In that “scathing phone call” Kim shared with the world, Taylor agreed for Kanye to include the line “I think me and Taylor might still have sex”, in his new song, which she said was provacative but fine. In that phone call Kanye said he would have her listen to the full song later, but this never happened. He then went on to release the song and music video in which he used the line “I made that bitch famous” (supposedly referencing when he grabbed the microphone out of her hand during her VMA speech when she was 19 years old, to say he thought Beyoncé should have won, much to the disdain of Beyoncé), implying that he was the reason for her (actually hard-earned success), and showed her naked likeness in a hyperrealistic wax figure lain next to him in a bed. He also showed other celebrities nude in this same way, which I personally found equally disturbing. The figures were so realistic that articles immediately came out with headlines like “Was Anyone Real In Kanye West’s Famous Video?”. I agree with Taylor Swift’s statement that this was a form of revenge porn. He visually stripped her naked without her consent in front of the entire world because instead of taking accountability for his own actions (HE is the one who ran onstage and grabbed that mic in 2009 and made himself look like a huge jerk), he decided it was in some twisted awful way her fault that he did that. It tarnished his image, and he dreaded having to publicly apologize to her afterwards even though Taylor was very accepting and actually thought they’d started fresh and new, happily sharing this news publicly.

So yes, I agree with Taylor Swift that those actions should be classified as a form of revenge porn. And I think that anyone who dares to say that her suffering isn’t ‘bad enough’ to call it that, I say you don’t get to determine how profoundly damaging someone else’s level of pain from an experience that you did not have is.

There no possible way that Scott Borchetta was not aware of the extremely difficult position Taylor Swift was in at that time, because the ENTIRE WORLD was aware of it. And Scooter Braun’s implications as manager of Kanye West were without a doubt, known to Scott Borchetta.

In his post, Borchetta continues, claiming, “there were also times when Taylor knew that I was close to Scooter and that Scooter was a very good source of information for upcoming album releases, tours, etc, and I’d reach out to him for information on our behalf. Scooter was never anything just positive about Taylor,”. Taylor being fine with Borchetta communicating with Braun to get information about things like upcoming albums/tours hardly means a thing. If Borchetta had a business source he could ask for information without Taylor’s direct involvement, of course she wouldn’t care. And of course Scooter Braun would not be dumb enough to say bad things about Taylor Swift directly to the owner of Taylor Swift’s label. Obviously, it doesn’t mean that he didn’t share such thoughts to others (go check out Todrick Hall’s recent tweets).

Now, here is where Borchetta goes for a REALLY LOW BLOW:

Borchetta writes, “He [Scooter Braun] called me directly about Manchester to see if Taylor would participate (she declined). He called me directly to see if Taylor wanted to participate in the Parkland March (she declined),”. In this disgusting last-ditch attempt to suggest that Taylor didn’t care about the victims of Manchester or Parkland, Borchetta is actually making it clear that TAYLOR SWIFT REFUSED TO ACCEPT AN INVITATION FROM A MANIPULATIVE MAN WHO SHE KNEW HATED HER. Meaning, Scott Borchetta was FULLY AWARE that Swift did not want to work with Braun. Everyone reacts to tragedy differently. Taylor Swift went on to show her love for the victims of those terrible incidents and her opposition to hatred that caused them. Taylor immediately expressed her sympathies on Twitter and honored the Manchester bombing victims on her Reputation stadium tour, on the night when she performed in Manchester. With Scooter Braun being the manager of Ariana Grande, the artist who was performing the night of the Manchester attacks, it makes sense that Taylor wouldn’t have felt entirely comfortable with the situation. She publicly announced her support for the March for Our Lives movement (started by the students of Parkland High School), and made a generous donation to the cause. Furthermore, Swift has gone on to discuss her personal fear of such attacks (many people have stalked her/broken into her home/tried to get onstage etc), her belief that in the importance of preventing such tragedies and the extra preventative efforts she now goes to in order to keep her fans safe in various interviews. Borchetta’s attempt to suggest that Swift has anything but the deepest sympathies for those tragedies is absolutely revolting.

Finally, Borchetta closes his list of lies with the text message he received from Taylor when she told him of her news to leave Big Machine. In this message, she is kind, heartfelt and respectful of the past that they built together. Borchetta tried to take advantage of this kindness by placing it there as if her politeness and choice to go means she had no interest in a better deal with Big Machine at all.

I’ll include this message in its entirety below, so you can read it for yourself:

Scott,

 I hope this finds you well. Since communication ran dry on our negotiations, I’ve done what I told you I would do and gone out exploring other options. Owning my masters was very important to me, but I’ve since realized that there are things that mean even more to me in the bigger picture. I had a choice whether to bet on my past or to bet on the future and I think knowing me, you can guess which one I chose. I also saw a rare opportunity to effect positive change for a lot of other artists with the leverage I have right now. I know you believe in the same things I do and I’d like to think you would be proud of what I’ve negotiated for in my deal. I wanted to tell you first that I’ll be signing with Lucian. I honestly truly cherish everything you and I have built together and I plan on saying so in my announcement of the new deal. What we accomplished together will be a lasting legacy and a case study on excellent partnerships, and may it continue. I still view you as a partner and friend and I hope you feel the same. Sending you a hug and my most sincere gratitude.

And SO much love,

Taylor

 

I think she makes it very clear that although she was disappointed, she weighed her options and decided to “bet on” her future instead of her past. Meaning, when Borchetta refused to offer her the ownership she wanted, she had to respect her own capability enough to make the difficult choice to walk away. She closes with the statement, “I hope you feel the same. Sending you a hug and my most sincere gratitude, and SO much love,” which shows that she hoped he would continue to regard her and her work with the same care and respect she showed him, even when disappointed.

Scott also includes the email he sent Taylor letting her know about the decision to sell to Scooter Braun:

Dear Taylor,

 

Hope all is well and congratulations on the success of your first two singles from “Lover”! 

 

I can’t wait to hear the entire album…

 

I wanted to pass along to you the same courtesy that you passed along to me in regard to my future.

 

Tomorrow morning (Sunday, June 30th) at 10a central, the Wall Street Journal will announce that I am entering into a merger/acquisition with Scooter Braun and Ithaca Holdings.  This move will give us more pop culture super-power than ever before and I’m so excited about the future. 

 

I want you to know that I will continue to be the proud custodian of your previous works and will continue to keep you and your team abreast of all future plans for releases of you work.

 

Nothing but the best,

 

Scott

 

The letter is polite and to the point, because he has no need to say something nasty. His actions speak loud enough. He was greedy. Taylor knew Borchetta would sell to someone, but that fact that Borchetta went through with selling the life’s work of a talented woman he knew since she was fourteen years old to one of her greatest public intimidators is the ultimate betrayal.

For everyone saying, “well, that’s just business”, I have some news for you. There are good, loyal people out there in business. There doesn’t seem to be many of them, but they exist, and Scott Borchetta pretended to be one of them. This is a matter of moral principle. Of loyalty. Of ‘valuing music’. Taylor Swift isn’t ‘playing the victim’ and she didn’t ‘send people to attack a good man’. She wasn’t ‘bitching’. She isn’t ‘feuding’. She’s speaking her mind. She’s speaking the truth. She’s warning other artists to look out for themselves and she’s holding people accountable for their actions.

I am so, so proud of her.

Forever a Swiftie,

Grace

@taylorswift @taylornation

[vuelie-frost]

F2: How do we cope?

So I’m someone who has a moderate dose of anxiety in her life, which is being combatted through therapy, medication, & learning healthy coping mechanisms. I’m no expert, but I have some experience dealing with strong negative emotions. One strategy I’ve been recommended is asking yourself, in any given anxiety-riddled situation, “What’s the worst-case scenario that could happen?” This brings you out of your own head- out of hypotheticals- and into the concrete.

Don’t get me wrong, it can be painful to think about. But it can be helpful to see where our biggest fears lie. And if you’re interested in alleviating those strong negative emotions, it’s a necessary step.

I’ve said before that I’m trying to stay open-minded and optimistic about this movie. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have fears and concerns. For me personally, my biggest "worst that can happen” theories for the ending of Frozen 2 are:

- The sisters never see each other again (with a heart-shattering goodbye scene that makes us all inconsolable) - Elsa loses her humanity to become a spirit/goddess, essentially intangible and immortal - Elsa is no longer called “Queen Elsa” in the franchise, invalidating a huge historic part of her identity - Elsa doesn’t attend Anna’s coronation because she’s “too busy” doing other shit - Disney+ makes a spin-off TV series with Elsa going on adventures (just please... no.)

(please don’t chime in with what you guys think about those ideas, at least in this post, whether they’re right or wrong... that’s not the point.)

So what if any, if all, of these things happen? What next?

Stuff not to do (I mean, do whatever you want, but these probably won’t be very helpful)

- oversleeping as a defense mechanism - eating your feelings - drinking/using substances to numb pain - stew and ruminate on the internet with people who only get your sadness and anger riled up - spend all day on the internet - engage in maladaptive compulsive behaviors (oh, hello dermatillomania. great to see you again.) - completely avoid feeling your feelings - making impulse decisions (don’t go buy a car just because “Frozen 2 sucks, the world is meaningless.”) - rant to Jen/Chris/the creative team at Disney on Twitter (which is different from an honest review of the movie, which I’m sure they’d be more receptive to)

Stuff to do

1) Grieve the movie we longed for. 

This might sound dramatic and my inner critic is constantly chiding me with “It’s literally a movie for kids, why are you so bonded to it?” But that’s totally unhelpful here. It doesn’t matter why or how, but most of us in the fandom feel a deep connection to the first movie. It’s not exaggeration to say that IF the sequel crushes us, it could be emotionally devastating. Grief is complex, individualized, and weird to work through... but it’s real, and if it’s something we need to face in order to move forward,  2) Decide how tightly to hold onto the franchise. 

Something being canon doesn’t mean we have an obligation to internalize it. How many franchises before have whittled their stories down to C-rated TV shows and average spinoffs? Do we accept all of them wholeheartedly?

Granted, this is hard to write about because there’s a slight cognitive dissonance that has to happen for us to disbelieve the sequel of any story.  But regardless, determining your relationship to the narrative is a deeply personal choice- one that can’t be decided for you. If my worst-case scenarios happen for F2, I’m probably going to maintain my complete love for the first movie... and pretend the sequel is an AU. Or extrapolation. Accept that it exists as the canon progression, but reject its meaning in my life.

3) Get off the internet. 

This is probably the best possible thing to do when the online world is causing you strife and stress. Tumblr has a tendency to be an echo-chamber; I actually only recently rejoined after a long loooong hiatus for that reason. Despite what boomers want you to think, the internet’s not inherently toxic. But despite all its good, it’s also highly curated, completely biased, full of half-truths, and a fantastic vehicle for rumors.

Also realize that until November 22, anything and everything Frozen 2-related that’s released by Disney is going to make you psychoanalyze the content for clues on how to feel. We’ll all become obsessed, deranged Sherlocks in our own right. Don't let it consume you.

4) Creatively output your thoughts & feelings

Headcanons, AUs, derivative work, fan fiction, fan art all serve us well (and are way healthier than like, downing an entire chocolate cake in sadness.) I’m an artist and you bet your biscuits I’ll be sketching Elsa for weeks and WEEKS before & after the premiere. It’s just how I process things.

Another thing I’ve decided I’m going to do if any of my worst-case scenario fears are realized is: write letters to the sisters as if they were real people. Talk to them about the ending. Jen Lee kept journals writing to/from the girls when they were conceptualizing the movie; I think there’s merit in letting the characters speak for themselves.

5) Employ your favorite coping mechanisms

These are personal to you, but could include:

- meditation - working out or exercising - yoga - writing/drawing (see above point) - making coffee or tea & relax in bed with a book - talk to someone about it, bonus points if it’s someone in the “real world” - take a walk outside - use breathing exercises - take a hot bath or shower - clean your room/house/apartment - put on music - cook - play with a pet - do something with a friend Note that all of these have to do with the external world. Distraction doesn’t heal us by itself (which is why denial is a poor way of dealing with shit,) but it helps our brains reset in the background. It sets the rest of the world into perspective, so that we can more effectively face our negative emotions later.  Remember, there’s nothing wrong with putting off processing until you’ve done something helpful or enriching. “Listen brain, we can cry later, right now I’m going to bake pumpkin cookies and you can’t stop me.”

6) Remember story is told to connect us with the real world

The idea of escapism is a bit paradoxical, because in pursuing a fantasy world, we’re only working to realize our desires in the real world. The reason we love Frozen so much is because we want that kind of love in our own lives... and the fairy tale reminds us that it’s real. Idealized and sanitized by The Mouse, sure, but it’s real. 

It may be painful to acknowledge but: we don’t need Elsa, Anna, Kristoff, or Olaf in order to flourish. Fiction exists to affect us in the real world. Frozen is one story among many- MANY!- that have the potential to sculpt your own personal future. That’s not to say it doesn’t retain a deep meaningful significance for us. I’m going to hold the first movie in my heart forever, that I know for sure. But its reasons for being great are because it plants us in reality. Can you imagine a beautiful young woman with the ability to freeze ice? Maybe that’s not plausible. But an undying, fiercely loyal commitment between two women? Hell yeah. 7) Recognize idolization & parasocial relationships where they may be... and start to heal them

This is heavy stuff that might require a professional to help you sort through- but if you’re truly suffering, paralyzed, or flung into a depressive episode due to any life circumstance (including a movie sequel,) it’s not silly to seek help in order to move forward. 

Parasocial relationships are perceived relationships where the other party (usually a celebrity, in terms of celebrity worship) doesn’t know you. Fictional worlds can fall into this category as well. It’s a one-side relationship that feels unbalanced when the other party does something we don't like. This is a studied topic I’m not super knowledgable on, but here are some links to more information if you’re interested: Why We Get So Attached To Fictional Characters by Kimberly Truong 

Parasocial Relationships with Fictional Characters in Therapy by Kathleen Gannon

Parasocial Break-Up from Favorite Television Characters: The Role of Attachment Styles and Relationship Intensity by Jonathan Cohen

Our fictional friends: Parasocial interaction and relationships in an evolving media world by Carri Romm - - - Also: I love you guys. <3 I love being in the Frozen fandom. It’s all going to be okay.

[the-youngcinephile]

The Man Who Fell to Earth (76)

Dir. Nicolas Roeg     Editor: Graeme Clifford

Staring: David Bowie; Rip Torn; Candy Clark

1976′s The Man Who Fell to Earth is unlike anything I’ve ever seen with my two eyes before I had watched it.

The story follows alien Thomas Jerome Newton (Bowie) as he poses as a human and uses his supreme technological knowledge to earn enough money to get back to his home planet, which is suffering drought. But, a woman named Mary Lou (Clark) and greed of other men create complications in Newton’s plans.

One review of the movie that I saw on IMDb asked the question, “Is it art, or is it porn?“ My answer: yes.

Let me explain. In this movie, there is A LOT of sex. So much so that I think it qualifies as softcore. Considering I saw David Bowie’s penis, I don’t believe this is an unfair analysis.

There’s a weird ass scene of sex inter-cut with video of what I think are aliens slathering each other in grease. I won’t pretend I understood what was happening. There’s also a Bowie gun sucking scene that you can look up if you’re feeling particularly kinky today.

(Watch this get flagged by Tumblr on my first post)

As a lesbian, I must state how much I wanted all of Thomas Newton’s clothing. Specifically, there was a button-down that the minute I saw, I said, aloud, “I want that shirt.” We later find out this is a pajama top. That doesn’t stop me from wanting it.

The performance by Bowie is surprisingly excellent. Bowie is one of my favorite singers, so I was pleased to see that the bisexual alien that was David Bowie could play a bisexual alien.

And yep, you read that right. Thomas Newton is a bisexual alien. I was just as surprised at anyone at the throwaway line about this alien fashion icon being bisexual. I wasn’t exactly expecting that in my daily dosage of 70s films.

There is a sequence in which Mary Lou asks what he sees when he drinks alcohol.

“Bodies”

“Bodies? Women?”

To which Newton responds: ”And men.”

At this point, I said to myself for the millionth time watching the film, “Bowie is just playing himself.”

The movie was released around the time "Station to Station" was released. AKA the Thin White Duke days. The days that straight girls swoon at for some reason.

I'll never understand this, as this is the period where he was surviving on milk, peppers, cocaine, and cigarettes. I mean, I get it, Bowie’s hot. But still. He has been described as "the husk of a man" during this period. There's even a comment that Mary Lou makes in the movie about Newton being "too skinny."

Speaking of Mary Lou, Candy Clark was one of the best elements in the film. Her performance was believable as the clingy girl who won’t let go of a man for one reason or another that we’ve seen in so many movies. But, her spin on this trope as what I would say is an honorary monster fucker (do alien people count in the realm of monsters?), is intriguing. Mary Lou knows that Thomas has a wife and children at his home. And while this isn’t anything new, Clark’s performance feels grating and annoying. 

Which is perfect for the character.

Also, I noticed that some of the shots would later end up as the covers of Bowie albums, specifically a scene set on a dock where Thomas is wearing a trench coat that would then be used for the album cover of Low.

And who could forget the cookie scene?

Yep. That’s an actual scene in the movie.

It could be confusing at bits. I’m not entirely sure I understand the ending still. But, does that take away from my overall enjoyment of The Man Who Fell to Earth? Like most sci-fi I’ve consumed, my not understanding a lot of the plot doesn’t bother me. It has me thinking about it days after seeing it.

I would recommend this to fans of sci-fi, straight porn, bisexual aliens, and/or David Bowie. It’s truly an experience that you need to see to believe.

9/10

[owldee]

I’m a weirdo...

So I put off reading Turf Wars part 3 for nearly 2 weeks, even though I started it the day I got it before the actual signing...

And my reasoning was that I didn’t want to feel like it’s “over” for the time being, no new LoK comics announced yet...

...even though at the signing Mike’s response to my question about future comics was basically a “yes, just don’t know when” (paraphrase fyi - don’t remember his exact words but that was the gist).

Anyway. Basically I tortured myself for like 2 weeks for no reason, because I really wanted to know what happened at the end that people were freaking out about at the signing but didn’t want to spoil...

Then the thing that finally got me to read it was being in physical pain the other night, being worried it was appendicitis, and running to the ER. It turned out to be an unusually painful ovulation (I rarely even feel myself ovulate so that was weird)...having a uterus is just so much fun, as always...😒

So I read it while slightly concerned I was dying (a little dramatic, but I was like “I’m not gonna die without reading this!!!”)

Despite that I greatly enjoyed it and it calmed me down, and when I finally did get to the end I was crying a LOT, not because I was in pain, but because I could feel no pain after that ending. Because it felt like such a complete end to LoK and Avatar in general for the moment, so incase we never get more (not truly worried about that), it was a great place to take a pause...and an excellent celebration of the 10 year anniversary of AtLA’s finale.

It felt so complete and perfect. And...(spoilers) even though I was a bit bummed there was no kiss in this comic (or the last), it was honest perfection, beautifully brought to life through Irene’s gorgeous art. Every moment of intimacy for Korra and Asami she depicts in the most genuine and loving way...it is such a gift.

I have more to say but I will end it here for this post, because idek why this post is so long and dramatic. I really don’t know what I’m doing anymore on this blog. I can’t sustain my engagement with Tumblr these days, and even though people tell me I shouldn’t feel guilty about that I can’t help but be fully depressed by that reality. Probably because Tumblr made me gay - I mean, helped me find myself and has always been my main connection to the LGBT+ community.

The thing is I always felt this blog gave me purpose. I’d post things and they actually mattered to people. And now I’m at a time in my life when I feel more purposeless than ever...

I guess...I wouldn’t mind turning this blog into a place for more sustained writing. I know I tried to start an offshoot blog like that last year and that didn’t really go anywhere (@owldeewrites...intro post and then nada. The way I live most of my life...)

Back right before SDCC started I was trying to write something to submit to Autostraddle for their quarterly issue. Of course I didn’t finish it in time. But that’s the kind of thing I want to start doing now.

Not sure exactly where I’m going with this, which is often how I write and often really a big key to good writing (no surprise for the writer, no surprise for the reader...)

I guess this is just me acknowledging in writing that I have been suffering from depression pretty consistently over the last several years (I’m in therapy, don’t worry), and I’m kind of sick of it. It’s what made me put off reading about the girls I love and their love for each other - more canon and in your face than it’s ever been before, the way I always knew it was meant to be - for the past 2 weeks (and talking about them in general as much as I used to). And the only thing that woke me up was my ovary basically slapping me upside the head.

So that’s that story. My apologies for being out of touch and then word vomiting everywhere. That’s always been kind of my tendency, but I didn’t really want that for this Tumblr, and for a time I felt like it wouldn’t be its fate...yet here we are.

Korra and Asami love each other so fucking much, pass it the fuck on~ 💙❤️💗💕🌈

Xoxo, Owl (I think I should just start going by Dee now, but Owl is still cute and I’m attached 🤷‍♀️)

[smol-lil-hufflepuff]

STOP SCROLLING. READ ALL OF THIS PLEASE. I'm upset. And you should be too.

The fact that repealing net neutrality is even a possiblity of what could happen really upsets me. And I don't get upset easily.

Let me tell you why.

Repealing net neutrality would mean that people would have to pay more for access to the internet. And that price is determined by each individual provider. More for YouTube. More for Google. More for Twitter. More for Tumblr. And not everybody can afford that.

Repealing net neutrality would deeply and negatively affect numerous amounts of people. I feel like I can't form a strong enough sentence to really express how utterly terrible this could be.

Suicides would skyrocket. Hotlines and websites that offer support to those suffering through mental illness would become unavailable to those who are struggling the most.

Animals would be killed. There are websites of shelters and rescues that work towards saving animals. They wouldn't be able to broadcast what they do and the animals would suffer form it.

Small businesses would suffer. They wouldn't be able to get the word out about their business through the internet and suffer for it. Not to meantion charities who get the all or majority of their donations through the internet. Should we have countless charities suffer just because not everyone can afford access to the internet?

Social media would become harder to access. This means that relationships would get cut off. Artists become unable to share their work. Friends would be lost. Writers and content creators would loose their platforms on which they can create and get inspired. Some people's income (like youtubers) comes from their social media platform. They would loose a great portion of their audience and their paycheck would take a big hit. Online shops such as etsy and ebay would become harder to access and therefore people loose that money. Not to mention, I believe Trump puts out his words through tweets. People would loose their way to connect with what's going on in the world and //their own country//.

People would loose their voice. People are already being stifled because they're fighting for net neutrality. I learned that Tumblr is deleting posts and unfollowing people from the tag. We have our right to this. We shouldn't be shut down for speaking. Over social media, people can make a fuss about things they care about and stand up for themselves.

People would have to pay more for emails. That means that people could loose a way of getting in contact with their senators and representatives. Not only that, valuable information from school systems and teachers comes through email. Teachers wouldn't have to same opportunity to contact parents or students with information as to the course and important events such as upcoming tests or after school activities.

Thousands maybe millions of people would loose access to their interests. I love musical theatre. I want to do it for the rest of my life and no matter if I'm doing a show or not, I watch videos on YouTube, I read articles on google, I search everything I can on social media about shows. I can see clips of shows, and can read an article about tips and tricks, I can follow my favorite people, I can be informed on what shows are new and upcoming, I can listen to my favorite songs over and over again. I can do all this because of net neutrality. If we loose net neutrality, I can loose a community that I love to the bottom of my heart. It's not only me, there's people who create and share art, write stories, novels even, research things that they're truly passionate about and it'd all be lost without net neutrality.

Not everyone could afford to simply "Google it" because Google would become more to pay for. This decreases a vast number of people's access to knowledge and information. Students would struggle without sources on their school work. I, for one, use Google if I don't understand how to do something in class or preparing for a test or to find a source for a research project or to find the definition of a word because not everybody understands Shakespearean language right off the bat.

An access to the internet helps people feel like their aren't alone. To know and understand that people are going through the same things as you are, that you're not weird by doing what you do, and that your thoughts and opinions and sense of self are perfectly valid and even encouraged is wonderful and relieving and in some cases life saving. I don't know if I'd be here today without this sense of community. Net neutrality means the world to millions of people. DONT LET IT BE LOST. Fight to keep net neutrality, please, I beg of you. Write letters, send emails, call (that's the fastest and most impactful way), educate yourself about what this is and why there's so many people that are fighting for this.

Contact your local senators and representatives. Contact anyone who you can find that has a say in keeping net neutrality. Fight for it. Please.

There are so many resources out there and I'm really sorry I can't link to any posts out there but trust me you can find the net neutrality posts out there cause we are never backing down.

They vote on December 14th. Fight for net neutrality. Do something. Or you can ignore this and keep scrolling, but unless you have the money, you might not be able to keep scrolling forever if net neutrality is repealed.

Have a nice day.

[critlitcomwriter]

Reflection Paper

Throughout the semester in English 206-04, I was given more reading and writing assignments than I have had in all of my English classes combined. Granted, I have taken 4 but that is not the point. This was not a wretched thing for me. It may have been tedious but I looked forward to reading about a new topic each week. This is a new concept for me. My love for reading had died the second I stepped foot on my high school's campus. I have gained a plethora of not only rhetoric and writing skills but a renewed appreciation for storytelling. After an assignment, I would go to my housemates room and beg him to argue with me on the plot. We would always try to one up each other on knowing the history or hidden meaning, as if we knew the slightest thing about living through the Holocaust (Maus 1 was amazing).

The most effective and entertaining story was hands down Maus 1. The first obvious reason being the formatting of the book. I grew up a huge comic buff and could truly appreciate the author's illustrations. The second reason being it reminded me of my family, specifically my father. Vladek, Art’s dad, was literally the exact same person as my father. My dad is stingy with money, lived through a war in a third world country, had his rights taken from him, and now lives in PTSD, refusing to get therapy. It truly hit home on multiple occasions and even brought me to have a conversation with my dad about his experiences in Albania. The third reason I found the story to be entertaining is because I grew up with a non-practicing Jewish family. My great uncle had suffered through the holocaust and escaped. One of my biggest regrets was being too young before he died because I never had the chance to ask him about his experiences.

Writing on a blog feels like something I am so used to, therefore it made it easier to write for these examples. I was able to change the tone in my posts to fit my blogs theme which also made it extremely easier. I personally love being able to use gifs and images to help guide the reader into what they are about to read. I won’t read articles (unless I am forced) without some sort of imagery. Using multimodal composition allowed me to be creative and being able to post on a blog, made it even easier to reach out to my audience. On tumblr, my audience is people of my age that are interested in the same weird things I am. The blog posts made me feel like I could really speak without holding myself back. I would compare it to an open mic night at a coffee shop. You aren't afraid of what people are going to think because they are here because they want to be and they are also going to be taking the microphone soon.

I took this class because one of the attorney’s I worked with said, “To improve your rhetoric and business writing before law school is the most valuable thing you can do.” Sure enough, it was quite valuable. I am taking 4 business classes besides this English class and have had over 30 papers over this semester. I just finished my final 10 page paper for my business negotiations class and did not struggle in the writing department at all. Sure the research and time I had to put into the paper was tedious but I feel like my grammar has improved immensely since the beginning of this class, which has made it so much effortless and even a bit tranquil to write long papers. This class has prepared me for my capstone, law school, and even business contracts when the time comes, which I am so appreciative of.

Logos is the most important rhetorical device I have become familiar with in this class. That is my personal opinion and applies only to myself because that is my preferred rhetorical device when entering an argument. I do not find any argument to be well grounded, sustainable, or justifiable without statistical and factual evidence to endorse your premise. Of course ethos (credibility) and pathos (emotional appeal) can be extremely helpful as well, but having those traits can only be valuable for so long without doing your due diligence. Knowing your audience and utilizing your best voice is also extremely important. Without this information you are forced to assume how you must speak and what you should be careful speaking about. Then comes style which is paramount to how the audience hears your arguments which is principal in any negotiation.

Remote learning has been both a blessing and a curse this semester. On the positive side, I have been able to travel more, and when I say travel I mean go on hikes and adventure to new places. Of course, I am held back by coronavirus restriction but I think not being on such a strict schedule in regard to needing to be in a psychical class at a specific time has helped with my mental health. I am also sleeping more which I wouldn't be able to do If I could only nap for 5 minutes then have to wake up an hour before my class to look presentable. If I am not feeling myself that day, I can just turn off my camera and stay cozy in bed while still learning. On the down side, in person class helps to build relationships with your instructors and peers. I am a very social person and this year has been lacking in that department. I think I know maybe 1 person in each of my classes but that is nothing compared to when I am in a physical class.

I had never considered myself to be a writer, even now I hardly would. If I were to ever need to label myself in a category of writing, I would say I enjoy story telling. I like Star Wars and Lord of the Rings and although I have never been able to write about something so science fiction, I think I would really enjoy it. I know this now because of our utopian society project. I was in charge of breaking down each section of the society and It forced me to think about all the amazing worlds I could make up in my head. If I had the time, money, and guarantee that I wouldn't be rejected, I would commit myself to writing a book but as of now, it's not in the cards. Maybe later on after I have created a financially stable life for myself in retirement, I could write as a hobby. Only time will tell.

[syberiawinx]

What NicoB Did To Me.

I’ve debated making this post for a long time, largely because there isn’t a big Nico community on Tumblr, and I doubted anyone would listen or care.  This whole incident showed me how some of his fans can act, turning a blind eye to the truth just because of their love for Nico, even when he is in the wrong.  But I’m in agony, and I can’t just let Nico get away with the horrible thing he did.  Even if none of you believe me, hopefully, someone will at least see this and know the truth.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once upon a time, I was one of Nico’s biggest fans.  He was one of my favorite YouTubers, and like many of you, his humor helped me through a lot of hard times.  That’s what made what eventually happened so much more painful.  I had been a member of the community for years, had a lot of friends, had never had any real problems or fights, and had been helping the mods to the point where they were saying I was such an asset to the community and talking about making ME a mod.  They’d literally just thanked me and said as much mere minutes before it happened.

I suddenly found myself banned.

There was no warning or explanation-I wasn’t even told I’d been banned.  No notice from YouTube is given when this happens, your comments just become invisible to everyone but you.  As such, you could go years or even your whole life without ever realizing you’ve been banned.  Thankfully, I realized not long after it happened, but that didn’t help much.  I felt...humiliated.  I’d been talking cheerfully with you all, and not one of you could or would ever see a word of it.  All my past comments were gone too.  My whole existence had essentially been erased from the community.

I suffer from a very severe anxiety disorder.  Suddenly being banned, being unable to watch one of my favorite YouTubers, and having my very existence erased...it made me have an attack.  I desperately reached out to Nico for answers, confiding in him about my anxiety and just how bad a place I was in, but he never replied.  Due to a glitch in YouTube, I was able to reach out to the mods and another regular user via an existing comment thread we’d all been a part of.  I told them of my anxiety too, as I was getting more and more worked up as this dragged on, and I wanted them to understand how I felt and how desperately I needed answers.  Initially, they reassured me, with Miles Hikari-one of the mods and my main contact throughout all this-telling me that several of the mods actually suffered from similar disorders and understood.  The regular user, Anon, seemed confused by my ban too.  We did not get along, but he acknowledged I’d never done anything that should warrant that.  The mods had no idea what was going on either and attempted to contact Nico.  I made it clear I was not looking for a “second chance”, as I knew I had done nothing to ruin my first one.  I wanted answers, and preferably, this ban lifted.

When the mods got back to me, they passed on Nico’s reasons for banning me, and keep in mind he said these things knowing the dark place I was in at the time.

He told me he hated me.  He told me all of you hated me.  He said I had no friends in the community, and that everyone wanted me gone.  According to him, I’m an abusive bully who is a toxic presence-who poisons everything she touches.  He claimed that he had spoken to several of you and none of you had anything good to say.  

I...wanted to die.  I truly and utterly wanted to die.  This pushed me into an even darker place.  I’d never had any real fights with anyone, the mods seemed to like me, and I was under the impression I had a lot of friends.  Whether it was true or not, hearing this destroyed me.

But at the same time, I knew something was off.  Who had said these things?  I could not see any of you hating me that much, because I couldn’t think of any thing I had done that would warrant it.  They would not give me a single name.  So I instead asked them to show me some examples of me being abusive or toxic, because I knew I had NEVER behaved in such a way, let alone over the course of many years.  They refused to provide me with a single post.  To top it all off, it seemed weird.  If I was this hated, why had Anon and the mods seemingly been unaware of it when they learned I had been banned?  If I was this awful a person, surely they would not have been surprised and confused by this occurrence?  In fact, if I’d been behaving like that for years, why had I not been banned or even warned ever before this?

It didn’t add up,   I pointed these things out to the mods, and they dragged things out longer, claiming they were “talking with Nico”.  I repeatedly asked to be part of a group convo with all them, because I was stressing out worse and worse as time passed, and I knew the best way to resolve this would be for us all to talk, but they refused.

When they finally responded, it was not to post the proof I had asked for.  They’d actually abandoned their original claims  Instead, they talked down to and humiliated me.  They found out about aggressive bullying I’d been subjected to on a certain site that had been blamed on me and a girl on DA I’d commissioned to do art for me who’d falsely claimed I harassed her.  The mods used these upsetting incidents from over THREE YEARS AGO to justify my ban, telling me my behavior was unacceptable, and that while they were willing to give me a second chance, they would be watching me.

Naturally, this just made me more upset...and more livid.  I told them off as politely as I could, as did Anon.  They then abandoned THAT line of arguing and brought up several recent “incidents” Nico told them about that they said were the REAL reasons I was banned.  The “Ni No Kuni Freakout”, the “Fire Emblem War”, and me allegedly spamming Nico with panicked/demanding messages and threatening him on Twitter.  

Since my comments are invisible, I have included a screenshot of the alleged “Ni No Kuni Freakout”, which was the last comment I made before the ban.  As you can see, it was clearly not a freakout, nor deserving of a ban.  I don’t remember which video the Fire Emblem discussion took place on, but it was just that-a discussion.  Anon, who was part of it, remembered that, while me and him disagreed about things, we were not hostile or fighting.  It was no war.  The mods, when this was pointed out to them, instead claimed that I had brought up Fates solely to START a fight and to drag the thread off-topic, even though that specific mod was actually the one who encouraged it, and the original topic was Fire Emblem to begin with.

As for Twitter, this was where it became clear Nico had not only exaggerated, he outright lied.  See, I’m not active on Twitter, so anyone who goes to my profile under this same username can see the FOUR messages I sent him.  

This is the first Tweet, sent to him after a certain AAI2 video went up:

“Nico, you do realize tthis thumbnail is kind of a big spoiler? Some people are pretty upset, so you might wanna change it.”

The remaining three were sent several days later, when he addressed the spoiler thumbnail in his next AAI2 video.  One had to be split in two due to the character limit: 

“A spoiler is a spoiler-that thumbnail ruins a really big moment.  Please remove it before anyone else sees it?"

“Also, you knew it was a spoiler, then put it IN your next vid? You may be able to hide it via annotation, but it was a bad move."

“Sorry if any of this annoys you.  Twitter's character limit doesn't let me say what I want how I want."

And there you have it.  No spam and certainly no threats.  The last Tweet was even an apology, because my anxiety had me so worried he’d take offense to how blunt Twitter’s character limit forced me to be.

It was at this point that I lost Anon’s support.  Throughout the whole thing, he’d been on my side, but saying that Nico must have just made a mistake.  Once it became clear he had purposefully twisted facts and lied, Anon flipped out and turned on me, unable to accept it.  The mods also started ignoring me, and I was banned from the Steam community, the Facebook, and who knows where else.  I can’t watch Nico’s videos anymore, and I’ve been unable to get in touch with any of my former friends in the community.  

It’s been about six months since then, and every day I feel worse.  I miss you all, and the fact that Nico did all this for whatever unknown reason and said all those horrible lies about me, when I was already in such a bad place...  He acts so nice, and everyone thinks he is this sweet, lovable guy, but he is not.  No kind person would do this.  I don’t care what his personal reason for hating me is, I did not deserve to be banned, and he should have been honest about it.  I’d love it if the ban was lifted and Nico apologized, but let’s face it, that’s not going to happen.  I mean, he didn’t care how badly he hurt me, and he didn’t care if I hurt myself.  My life means nothing to him.  

If you bothered to read all this, thanks.  I still doubt anyone will believe me, but at least the truth it out there.  It feels good to expose it.  And Nico, if YOU ever happen to read this, though I don’t see that ever happening, you can still make this right.  You have to know what you did and how you handled this was wrong.  If you had a problem with me, you could have talked to me.  You didn’t have to ban me, and you didn’t have to lie.  You abused your power as a popular YouTuber and caused me months of emotional anguish and depression that still has not gone away.  Only you can end this.  

[mild-lunacy]

The Art of Representation: normalization vs assimilation

I was thinking about representation in the Raven Cycle again 'cause I was reading a Beauty and the Beast retelling by CE Murphy, which has lots of casual queer representation for the secondary characters, that just... doesn't work for me at all. If I had to pin it down, it's that it's incidental (just like The Raven Cycle) but not... incidental *enough*. Too heavy-handed, somehow. And that's a weird reaction to explain even to myself, 'cause obviously I read tons of slash fanfic, where pretty much everyone is gay a lot of times. I've talked about why the incidental approach in The Raven Cycle works for me, though I realize that labels have value, particularly but not exclusively for queer readers. But this was different.

I think some of it's just that this is only the secondary characters, so even extensive representation feels tokenized and moralizing somehow. Like, everyone's fine with it, but it's almost a little *too* fine. There's no real sense that queer relationships are different or that this is a big deal, but nevertheless they *are* different, just in a way that's not acknowledged at all by the narrative. One of the queer characters is a queen who has a female lover who's very jealous and possessive, including being jealous of her potential need for another husband or desire for a man in general. There's these underlying conflicts based on the way a traditionally structured society functions, and it's just hand-waved away to the point where I feel this lover's motivations are muddled, even as she's clearly the villain. She's not allowed to truly suffer in a remotely sympathetic fashion from her situation as it drives her to unforgivable acts, even to the degree someone like Kavinsky is sympathetic in 'The Dream Thieves'.

That's essentially where I disagree with a lot of the well-meaning rhetoric on Tumblr and in general, currently. There's a space between the stereotyped identity politics of ticking 'the right boxes', and normalization in the sense of pretending there's no difference. There *is* a difference, and there always would be. Some conflict based on this is inevitable in any human society (fantasy world or not), which doesn't mean one has to recreate virulent homophobia or racism in one's writing if one doesn't want to. My point is that in acknowledging and humanizing a character's inevitable pain and struggles, some of the difficulties with their differences, one creates well-rounded characters without the need for always creating stories *around* these issues. Normalization or assimilation isn't an entirely uncontroversial goal, but incidental representation can work very well for me, in theory. Perhaps my point is that normalization and assimilation aren't *the same thing*.

Normalization accepts differences and pays attention to them (as any good writing would), whereas assimilation ignores that there's any meaning or context to difference. Without this created context (even in fantasy worlds), everything starts to feel bland, and representation feels heavy-handed to me. If the trait has some sort of personal effect or meaning (even individual as opposed to being about cultural censure), then I feel there's a real person there. That's how I feel about Ronan in TDT: it's not that he just *happens* to be gay. His gayness may not be explicitly labeled or subject to extensive homophobia (though there is some, because some people-- such as Kavinsky, or Adam's father-- will always suck), but it's integrated with his religious identity, his struggles over being monstrous, his fears about himself, his secrets. Ronan is a real person, who is also gay. He doesn't need to call himself gay because the identity is 'live', so to speak. It's affecting the rest of him, as well as his relationship to others around him (but not disproportionately so).

By contrast, I feel frustrated and even alienated by representation that literally means *nothing* about the characters, as in CE Murphy's book, and I feel that it's fundamentally different from Stiefvater's approach even if both are incidental. This is why I wrote that post on my thinking about race-bending Ronan vs Hermione Granger, for example. I definitely feel it's important to pay attention to (or create) the relevant context and the character's identity and relationships with other characters, which is not somehow magically independent of their gender or orientation (even in fantasy worlds). Context is key to building believable characterization, essentially, whether you're talking about fanon or canon. These things are *meaningless* without context, and therefore not so satisfying, at least to me.

I think in the end, many people in fandom are satisfied with the mere fact that 'this character is queer' or 'this character isn't white/male', and that's all that matters. And I'll admit that given the record of most writers out there, how picky can we be? Well... I'm very picky, these days, probably 'cause I've been pretty spoiled by being in slash fandom, with tons of highly contextualized, sympathetic but human queer characters in particular. I'm also aware that many (seemingly) white cishet writers may use incidental representation as a way of not really confronting homophobia 'cause it's uncomfortable, or too far out of their comfort zone and knowledge. When things are overly smooth in some stories with no homophobia, it can feel like the modern queer experience is being papered over by more or less well-meaning outsiders, like the people who say they're racially color-blind. In some ways there's simply no great solution that will make everyone happy.

Personally, I'm not so much offended as *bored* by the kind of representation that seems to tick the boxes of Otherness without dealing with the fallout. If nothing else, that's just not good writing, while I think that TDT and Ronan's and even Kavinsky's characterization demonstrates how to approach a character whose queerness is not central to them but nevertheless part of their struggles. Even hinting at inner (and outer) conflict is enough to make the character work for me, whereas treating something like race or orientation as *meaningless* can only feel like a feel-good patch, something that is in itself meaningless in the end.

[princeadams]

The Ultimate BATB tag

Rules:

- Always include the rules.

- Answer the questions as truthfully as you can.

- Tag at least 3 people at the end of the tag.

- You don’t have to be tagged to paticipate, you can do the tag even without       being tagged.

- Tag the post “#BATB Tag” so we can keep up with the tags.

- That’s literally all there is to it! Have fun!

You can use this as reference:

https://gastt.tumblr.com/post/160009844702/the-ultimate-batb-tag

When did you start your blog, and why? I started right before I saw the movie because I knew I’d be obsessed and wanted an area away from my  main multi-fandom blog where I could freely fangirl and shitpost and whatnot. Also, my “likes” on Tumblr were filled with four years worth of BATB meta, fan art and fanfics, and I wanted to clean my likes out so they would actually be a specific place for bookmarking. I had 14,00 likes before I made the blog, and now that I’ve almost completely cleaned it out I have about 900. Still not great, but it’s getting there.

Where did you get the idea for your url? Obviously the growl at the end. I decided I wanted daysinthesuns for my main blog, and I'd had danstevensgrowl saved for a little while. For daysinthesuns, I saved it when the titles for the new songs were announced, I think that was in late summer.

Where did you get the idea for your icon? I didn’t make my icon, I just got it from an icons post by someone on Tumblr. I like the color pink and I love 1991 Belle, so I went with it. 

What was your first choice of url? dayinsthesuns was the first one I had for this blog, then I switched to danstevensgrowl. If you mean what my ultimate choice would be, I’d really like to have daysinthesun or princeadam. On my main blog, my first URL was weareteenageheartsforeveryoung and it stayed like that for 3 years or so.

What was your first icon, or the oldest you can remember? And if you can, post it. This is the one I’ve always had, but on my main blog I had a picture of Miley Cyrus from the movie LOL once, a picture of Elvis once, and my freshman year of high school I had my favorite fan art of Adam hugging Belle from behind with his chin on her shoulder while she’s reading. 

Would you die for the person on your icon? I mean, I consider myself to be Belle, so that’s a bit weird. But if my icon was Adam, yes, in a heartbeat.

Which url of your mutuals are you most jealous of? Hmm. I don’t know, I honestly like my URL. However, if we’re talking about @gastt‘s mutuals…you know who.

Which icon of your mutuals are you most jealous of? I love @ohstaythisway‘s icon, I would use it if she wasn’t already.

Do you have any sideblogs? And if you do, what are they about? And if you don’t, what would your sideblog be about? I have a ton that I made while cleaning out my likes to get meta and fanfic out of there, I have an Anakin Skywalker one and a Pride and Prejudice one. I also run the Tally Hoes Archive, and I have a professional blog to showcase my articles and other things I’ve written.

Are you satisfied with your blog currently? If not, what would you change? I guess, I mean, it’s a trash blog so I don’t aim for the content to be high quality. 

If you weren’t in the BATB fandom, what would you post about? Star Wars, Doctor Who, basically everything I post about on my main blog.

What fandom(s) did you belong to before BATB? BATB was actually my first fandom, but after that, Divergent, Once Upon a Time, Doctor Who and finally Star Wars. 

Which blogs do you regularly check up on? @je-suis-em-jee and @theteaisaddictive because they’re my favorite fic writers.

What would you say is your most common tag? “Prince Adam” because I reblog gifs of him a lot.

How many people are you following, and how many people follow you? I think I follow around 300, my main blog has 1,700 followers and this blog has a little over 200.

Who are your current top three fans on Tumblr (for this month)? For this blog, it’s @trippsykes, @lee-lee-ed and @snipandsnail. Thank you guys :)

What is your top post (for this month)? It actually won’t show for some weird reason, but I’m guessing it’s my Ultimate Fic Rec post. 

Which post are you most proud of? Probably my meta about the enchanted object’s part in The Mob Song.

Which post are you most embarassed by? The Meme Queen Adam fic and every time I’ve self-promoted (which is a lot of times.)

Weirdest message someone ever sent you? When I posted my selfie for the Introduce Your Self(ie) challenge, I immediately got a DM from some girl with a weird URL saying I was hot. I assumed it was a porn blog so I marked it as spam and blocked them, but then I looked at their blog and it was kind of normal? So I hope that wasn’t one of you guys lol. 

Weirdest message you ever sent someone? God I don’t even want to know

Have you ever received anon hate? And if so, for what? When I was 13 I got a ton but I honestly deserved it. I had this ongoing joke where I acted like I was really self-absorbed and snobby ironically, because I actually hated myself and had been struggling with an eating disorder. But either way, I took it too far and I was really obnoxious and people called me out on it, some less gracefully than others.

Do you have any blogs blocked, and if so, which? I’m sure I have a lot blocked for spam and stuff. 

Have you ever thought about quitting Tumblr? If so, why? Not really, because I’m kind of terrified of ever deleting anything. I hate the idea of erasing any part of my life, even if it’s a part I’m embarrassed by or don’t want to think about.

What device do you use Tumblr the most? (e.g. Laptop, Tablet, Phone, etc.) Probably my iPhone, since I’m always in class and stuff.

What was the last thing you searched on Google? Meme Queen Adam bc I was too lazy to go on my profile on Archive of our Own and click on my fic, I just wanted to get the link the quick way lol.

What time is it currently as you make this post? 11:45, I really should go to sleep after this.

What are you wearing currently? Star Wars pajama pants and a black camisole. 

If you had to legally change your name (in real life) permanently, what would it be and why? Belle, because I’m a dork.

What kind of characters and/or pairings do you tend to turn to? Is there a recurring theme to it? I feel like in terms of male characters I always love the brooding, angsty, damaged guys with tragic backstories, like Prince Adam or Anakin Skywalker. For female characters, I always like strong, witty, outspoken women, like Belle and Elizabeth Bennet.

Tell us a favorite of yours and why? (Literally any favorite, something that touches you and you’re passionate about.) I guess Beauty and the Beast in general, honestly. There’s so much to love about it, but it really changed my life when I fell in love with it all over again the summer before my freshman year of high school. I was doing a Disney movie marathon alone, because I really didn’t have any friends at the time, and I actually skipped Beauty and the Beast because I figured I remembered it well enough from my childhood that I didn’t need to waste time re-watching it. However, I still had some time to kill before school started, so I watched it again, and not only was I struck by the Beast’s character and how deeply and unconditionally he loved Belle, the message of Beauty and the Beast really got to me. After I recovered from my eating disorder and dealt with (deserved) backlash on Tumblr for my crappy sense of humor and coping skills, I’d become really tough and rigid and pessimistic as a default. Suffering from such an awful illness really kind of stripped me of the usual kindness and warmth I held. Belle kind of helped me get it back, helped me find myself again, and the movie in general helped me to believe that maybe it was okay that I was fat or my voice is weird or that I’m short because I’m eloquent and I’m kind and true beauty is found within. Maybe my words and my heart is enough. I still struggle with believing that today, but I would’ve given up on believing it and given up on myself a long time ago if it wasn’t for Beauty and the Beast. When I started at a new high school after becoming obsessed with Beauty and the Beast, I was both a new person and my old self at once, and the optimism and kindness and open-mindedness I’d regained helped me to finally let people in a bit, and I made a ton of friends. My love for the musical also inspired me to join theatre, which I never would’ve given a thought if I hadn’t loved the musical.

Tag 3 or more blogs to do this tag, and also add what you associate them with and tell them what you truly think about them.  I can’t tag @gastt because they already did it and literally made the tag, but gatt, you are such a loyal and supportive person. I don’t even know your name or your face or anything like that, but I don’t have to to know that you an amazing person and all us Tally Hoes are so lucky to know you.  I tag @mmedegarderobe, my sin sister and fellow Mass Communications major, my other fellow mass communications major @thestanfoubrew, the mother of the Heelys meme @uncledisney, and my two favorite fic writers - one I’ve loved since I first fell in love with BATB, the other more recently, @theteaisaddictive and @je-suis-em-jee. You both are so talented and wonderful and portray the characters that are so close to my heart perfectly. 

[singlehoodoftheramblingones-blog]

A Blog About Ethical Blogging and Maybe Not Blogging Anymore

About four years ago, I was going through a time that I now refer to pleasantly as an initiation into adulthood.  I had just gotten out of a mutually abusive relationship, and was in the throes of a psycho breakup from hell. The rage, confusion, betrayal, longing, and helplessness were all too much, and I was completely losing it.  In hindsight, this was a blessing, as it launched me into a personal renaissance.  I began going to school to study medicine, plunged myself into performing, bonded more with my art community, and started a book club for Women Who Run With The Wolves (this book changed my life and remains my bible).  Yet still, I had so much explosive energy bottled up that these outlets weren't enough, and I was growing exhausted from self destruction.  After a lot of feedback from friends who had been touched by my rambling facebook posts, I decided to try my hand at blogging.

Now, I'm by no means a professional writer, nor do I necessarily intend to become one.  My grammar is okay to acceptable at best, and I'm too lazy to proofread most of the time.  However, there is nothing more cathartic for me than when I write.  Music is a close second. Then art, then food, then sex.

Whoa, sex is way further down on the list than I thought....

When I write, I go into a trance for hours.  It's an opportunity for me to vomit all of the junked up mess that's been sloshing around in my brain, step away, observe it, analyze it, organize it, and then put it to rest.  It's a way of taking pent up, stagnant energy, and transforming it into creation, allowing things to move again.  It's an undemanding way of birthing my mind forward with minimal pressure to do it “right”, which soothes my unrelenting perfectionist side.  It's a way to be completely vulnerable and willing to connect with the outside world, yet without the stress and anxiety of being cut off, unheard, or wasting anyone's time.  I lay my ideas out, present them in an informal setting, and just leave them there for anyone who wants to engage of their own free will.

When I first started blogging, it was a way to form a relationship with my voice.  This is, and always has been, a very scary thing for me.  For whatever reason, I inherited a karma in this life of being told to be silent.  Whether I was speaking out about things people didn't want acknowledged, or told that I was too boring, too stupid, or not worth listening to in general, I learned to hate my voice and constantly doubt myself.  I developed a weird stress stutter, and frequently forget the words I want to use out of anxiety, which is beyond frustrating when you know you actually have a high vocabulary and have studied multiple languages.  None of that matters if you can't use it when you want to, and you begin to self loathe.

Through the above mentioned breakup that launched it all, I learned about gaslighting.  This is a term that is understood more and more as conversations about abusive relationships are openly had, thanks to social media platforms especially.  Massive thank you to everyone who has reached a place in their recovery where they are willing to share about these experiences.  People need to know that they are not alone.  For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term “gaslighting”, this article breaks it down pretty well:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/gaslighting-know-it-and-identify-it-protect-yourself

No wonder I was crazy.  What made me the craziest, perhaps, was that this man wasn't the first to use this manipulation on me.  It was something I had experienced my entire life, so the pain felt was compounded. Since I remember, I have always been the person who sees behavior that no one wants to talk about.  Growing up, I would feel incredibly hurt and scared when seeing or experiencing certain things, and when I'd try to bring it to someone's attention, I'd either be met with complete denial, or threats of punishment if I said anything.  Telling the truth meant severe consequences.  At worst, physical harm. At best, abandonment. I learned that the best thing to do was to be quiet, and be loyal no matter how much it hurt (see: snitches get stitches).  I attracted people who were incredibly toxic, and would reason away their behavior at my own expense.  I don't enjoy being aware of these traits in people.  I have always desperately wished that I was one of those folks who could just see past these things and shrug them off. I wish I was hallucinating the things I see and hear; I'd be a much more powerful witch if I had that ability.  Or at least, someone could give me drugs for it.  It's not a gift or any kind of second sight. It's a hyper-developed defense mechanism that leaves me cranky and leery most of the time.

Back to the nightmare breakup, when my heart was insufferably shattered, a piece of me rattled loose that was sick of being told she was wrong and to shut up.  That became the initial goal of writing publicly-- to understand what it felt like to speak fully and truthfully.  I gave myself permission to ramble, to be crass, to go off on tangents, to discuss subjects that weren't “fun”.  I gave myself permission to expose my own ugliness, to get off of any pedestals and be as human as possible.  I felt that maybe if I was experiencing these things in silence, others were too, and we were all in this collective place of being too afraid to open up about these subjects, because it's not cool or popular.  I felt that if I opened up about what I was going through and exposed my own mess, that maybe other people would feel the support to be proactive about their own.

And they did.  When I was in the habit of writing regularly, I received countless private emails, or was approached while I was out by people who felt comfort, courage, and personal insight after reading my posts.  I was by no means a guru or savior, just a normal idiot who was putting herself out there, falling down stairs and chasing off love just like anybody else. Okay, well maybe a bit more dramatically than most, but still.  It felt really good to know that my experiences didn't have to end at me.  They could also be used to help others, to transform, which over time has helped broaden my perspective of the world and the human experience.

But that was all then.  It was an amazing experience that launched me into a totally new, way more fulfilling life.  The friendships I have are powerful.  The art I get to make with people is otherworldly.  My intuition is sharpened and I'm able to utilize my own magic like never before.  Going to the opposite end of the spectrum of expression to learn about my voice was an invaluable experiment, and I'm all the better for it.  Not to say that I have a perfect life, because I'm still me and shit still happens because I'm human and will never run out of things to learn. All that being said, this was years ago.  Eventually, the pendulum comes back to center.  I am finding, more and more often, that this form of fire-blazing, no holds barred expression isn't quite working for me anymore.  It's something I've been struggling with, because there is one piece of me that constantly screams out, “I WILL NOT BE SILENCED!”  Yet there is another side of me that has developed which asks, “but what's your motive? What do people actually need to know? Who is this for?”

A frequent style of my writing has been to tell stories about my transformative moments through experiences I've had with others.  I often smacked up against questionable ethics by exposing others I had negative encounters with.  I was sloppy, and either wrote what I wanted under the assumption that those mentioned wouldn't read what I had to say anyway, or I just straight up wouldn't care.  It was my life, and I was entitled to talk about it. Something that always grinded on me was the waste of time I felt when reading blogs that had that an elitist enlightened-one vibe to it, or articles that just felt like extended vaguebooking with some moral understanding at the end that I had zero emotional investment in.  I didn't want to be either of those kinds of writers.  I wanted to be authentic and meaty.  I wanted to give people something real to chew on, something personal and relatable.  

About a year ago, I wrote a blog that I thought was private.  I never published it on social media.  Just kinda left it on my Tumblr for anyone who had the link, and they could find it if they were so curious enough to look.  It wasn't a bad blog.  In fact, it was a very happy blog, celebrating and reflecting on an experience I was having at the time that felt like an absolute blessing.  However, the circumstances surrounding it were very controversial, and there was a need to be somewhat secretive.  I never wanted to be secretive, and the idea killed me.  So writing this private blog that I never thought anyone involved would ever see was a way for me to blow off a little steam, to just feel normal for a moment. I even mentioned in the piece how relieved I was that the person I was writing about would never read it, nor would any of their friends.  I hit “publish” and then completely forgot about it.  Months later, the blog was discovered in an unfortunate way that had devastating results for everyone involved.  My privacy settings were not as private as I thought, and the suffering it brought on has been monumental. While my writing itself was not the cause for the suffering, it was still a catalyst that I deeply regret.  I will always believe in the truth.  But I think that there are better ways to get there than others.  This is not how I wanted things to go down.

I've been a wreck ever since.  I'm depressed, ashamed, confused, constantly sobbing or angry.  My sloppiness, “this is my life, I do what I want, fuck-you attitude caught up with me.  I used names and photos that I didn't have permission for.  I kept going back to the defense that I thought it was private and hidden, because I really truly did.  But at the end of the day, what I did was still a violation, and I would take it all back if I could.  Remember, kids-- no matter how private or sneaky you are, if it's on the internet, it can be found. Take it from a girl who had an OkCupid blind date coming up, and with a fake name and general job description from the man in question, she found out his address, company, real name, and work history.  Trust me, you can find everything from nothing if you're determined enough.

(That date didn't work out, btw. He was also married. The internet didn't tell me that. Asshole.)

I'm considering that perhaps I've outgrown this extreme, tell-all writing style for my personal life. That's not to say that I don't believe in it; I just wonder if there's a better way to go about it for where I am and who I am now. Perhaps it's a timing game, and a need for gaining permission from others in advance.  Maybe I’m still stuck in an outdated belief that no one will want to say yes to me, so I just take my own opportunities for myself.  I'm coming into a place where I am seeking honesty through grace.  I'm also curious about different forms of catharsis and expressing raw truth, while also staying honorable and in my integrity.  A couple years back, I read an autobiography by an artist I was interested in seeing.  I recognized his writing style as very similar to my own, yet way more polished and witty.  At the end of the book, I actually felt sickened by how many people he threw under the bus, all of the sexual encounters he had, all of these random secrets of others spilled, even with the name changes.  When our flirtation eventually turned physical, it ended up being a very bad experience.  I left him with absolute terror, because I knew that he had a deal for a second book, and was in the process of writing it. Periodically I still think back to that and pray to anything or anyone listening that he does not write about me, no matter how anonymous.  The pen truly can be mightier than the sword.  I still want to write, and I still want to be radically open.  I need to figure out how to do that in a way that honors the reality of my own life and the freedom to express it, yet without the risk of being trashy and just running my mouth for the sake of being passive aggressive.  Or at the very least, without potentially hurting those I absolutely love and care about.

Maybe for a while I'll just write about general social issues, or focus on updating folks on my work and reflections and growth therein.  In a few years, I have every intention about writing a book about the entire Scarlet Tongue Project experience, because it has completely changed my life in ways that I cannot even begin to tackle in a word document yet.  I don't think that one will end up as a blog, except as professional branding maintenance, which has a very different approach.

At this time, I don't have answers to many of these questions.  I'm a little too raw and sad, and I think that the change is too fresh.  I need to sit with it for a while longer to understand it, and that is perfectly okay.  I'm grateful for these growing pains, and I honestly feel that much stronger for it, even if I don't know what's on the other side quite yet.  I'm grateful for the ability to change, learn, reflect and shift.  I'm grateful for all of these years of writing as I have, because I'm able to go back and remember everything I've overcome, and everything I've accomplished.  Because of that, I know I'm just getting an aggressive polishing to emerge from this one even shinier than before, and that's exciting....in my own masochistic, twisted way. But I want to thank everyone who has stayed with me along the way, offering support and feedback, and taken the time to want to know about my mind and heart.  Thank you to everyone who has held space for me while I mourn and question the universe, and then celebrated with me when I find inspiration and accomplish new goals.  Thank you for judging me, not judging me, and in turn judging and not judging yourself.  Thank you for asking and learning with me.  Thank you for giving me a place to test out my bravery and honesty.  Thank you to everyone who has inspired me to write and share.  I think for now, just while in this transitional period of getting to know my voice again, I'm going to try out privacy for a bit.  But not secrecy.  I will never go back to living a life of silence and feeling shame for my existence.  If we are here, we deserve so much more than that. Your place in the world matters, your experiences are valid, and I hope that if anything, my writing has helped people feel that for themselves.

See you again when I find what I want to say :)

[lrgcarter]

Understanding the appeal of Transformers

Over on Twitter, Colin Smith of the comics blog Too Busy Thinking About My Comics (technically a retired blog, but I live in hope) asked ‘I wonder if it's possible to truly enjoy The Transformers if you didn't grow up with them at all?’

Twitter is not the best medium to answer this question, so I have turned to Tumblr. I’m going to lay out a few notes that hopefully will show readers why people like Transformers, even if they can’t get into it themselves.

I’m not a hardcore fan of the franchise myself. I remember watching it as a child, but those memories are hazy to say the least. My partner is a hardcore fan. She didn’t have any contact with the show as a child, but discovered it as an adult. I’ve watched this development of her interest from outside the fandom, which is why I consider the following opinions to be an informed answer to the above question.

To start with, here are the conditions of this essay:

1. I’ve got other things to do today, so I’m setting myself a time limit. The 1986 animated Transformers movie is playing in the background. Once that finishes, I’m posting what I have, regardless of how well edited it is.

2. I’m going to try to keep things ‘Outsider friendly’. I’m going to avoid franchise-jargon as much as possible. I’m going to paraphrase things as much as possible. This may cause True Fans a problem, but they will just have to deal with it.

3. Having said that, I’m going to use the word ‘continuity’. Transformers has lots of these, and I couldn’t think of any way around using this word. I’m sure one will strike me as soon as I hit the ‘post’ button.

4. I’m not going to provide sources, or even look things up to confirm my memories. I’m writing about the appeal of a cartoon, not fixing the planet’s political problems.

With these points in mind, let’s begin…

The Toy Commercial Argument

I want to get this out of the way before we go any further.

Critics claim the franchise is nothing more than a vehicle to sell toys.

Now, while it is undoubtedly a vehicle to sell toys, it isn’t just that. Sure, some Toy Company CEOs wanted kids to buy toys and so hired a cartoon to be produced, but to say ‘this robs the resulting cartoon of any quality’ is insulting to those who worked on it. I never hear similar criticisms thrown at Noggin the Nogg, even though that is also a cartoon based on a toy (I know this is a somewhat false equivalence, whatever).

It all comes back to the idea that if you are getting paid to do your job then it isn’t art, This toxic idea has been discussed by those more eloquent than I, so I won’t dwell on it here.

Needles to say, I’m going to avoid insulting the creators of these works and assume they actually care about the stories they are telling, and wanted to do their jobs as well as they could (well, with one exception, but we’ll get to him).

The Problems Presented By Understanding Transformers

1. Mega-franchise.

Transformers suffers the same problem as any big, old franchise. Where do you start? It’s a question faced by fans of Dr Who, 2000ad, Star Trek, and many others. As with any of these franchises, there is no right answer.

Transformers has many different continuities. These continuities have sub-continuities, which in turn have sub-continuities themselves. I’m not exaggerating. This means that any two ‘Introduction Points’ could be consumed back to back and leave the audience completely confused as to what the franchise is about.

All of these continuities have different pros and cons, as well as different selling points. Beginners should consider each continuity as separate entities if they wish to understand their appeal. I’ll return to this later.

2. Preconceived perceptions.

People think they know what Transformers is about. It’s about giant transforming robots, right? Robots in disguise, it says so in the theme-tune!

The problem is, this is almost never what the stories are about. Remember how every aspect of the franchise has different selling points? Transforming was the unique selling point for the toys. In the cartoons and comics etc, you could mostly drop the transforming aspect and the stories would still work. Don’t get me wrong, people enjoy the transforming aspect, but it isn’t essential.

Here’s an example in defense of this controversy: there’s a group of Transformers that can turn into Dinosaurs. The creators of the old cartoon film wisely decided to hardly ever show these transformers not as dinosaurs, because their audience liked dinosaurs. They could have just made them non-transforming robot-dinosuars, and no one would have objected, or even noticed a difference.

So what is the franchise about, if not transforming? Like any enduring franchise, it’s about the characters. When the creators remember this, they produce popular material. When they don’t remember this, the fans tend not to like the result.

1 and 2, combine to form… Confusion!

The characters between continuities can provide one of the stumbling blocks when getting into the stories. You may have two robots that look identical and have the same names, but in two continuities will have two completely separate characters, plot roles, relationships with the other characters, and so on.

Getting Past These Problems

If you want to enjoy Transformers, you need to get to the characters without getting bogged down in the knotty history of the franchise. I’m going to give a brief summary of a few key continuities in an attempt to lay out how each of them has won or lost their fans. This is far from being a complete list of Transformers stories, and is not given in order of release date:

1. Original Cartoon Series

Plot summary:

Two armies of ancient, giant robots get stuck on Earth. They both have to: A) Solve humanity’s energy crisis. B) Learn what these weird organic human creatures are all about. C) Continue fighting their war.

The Original Cartoon Series (from now on, OCS) consists of almost two series and one cartoon movie. Any fans currently reading this are shouting at their screens right now, saying I’m wrong. They think I am talking about what they call ‘Generation One’, but I’m not. The OCS is what non-fans remember of the Transformers from the 1980s, regardless of whether or not their memories are complete or true.

They remember two armies of giant robots fighting in arid desert landscapes with loud sound effects and rock music. They don’t remember that one where the Transformers go to another planet and turn into trees and mermaids. Not every episode in the first two Transformers series qualifies as part of the OCS. It is a cherry-picked collection of stories, a series constructed by nostalgia, but it does exist and sits ready for people to enjoy.

Appeal: 

This series is adrenaline for the eyes. It is what 2000ad calls Thrill Power. Everything is turned up to eleven, then multiplied by two. All the characters are larger than life, in personality, motivations and ambitions, and obviously, physical size.

Generation One.

Plot summary:

This is the same show as above, but with the addition of everything that people have selectively forgotten. The Transformers actually get themselves un-stuck from Earth pretty quickly. They can then return to space and intergalactic adventures with loads of other alien races. There’s a planet where some of the characters realise they have gambling problems. There’s the previously mentioned tree-and-mermaid planet. There’s the psychologist planet, to which the bad-guys send their boss because they are worried he is too unstable to be their leader. There is the planet where everyone sings.

Appeal: The appeal of this story is epic scale. There are infinite corners to this universe, and anything can happen in any one of them. The war takes a back seat, and loads more characters are introduced. It’s kind of like a blunderbuss approach to appealing to people.

Transformers Armada

Plot Summary: 

Two armies of ancient, giant robots try to beat each other at Pokemon.

Appeal:

This series is pretty awful. Apparently the creators were given unworkable deadlines, and it shows. I mention this series because the Boss Good Guy opens it with the following voice over:

“In the beginning, there were three races of Transformers: Good-guys, Bad-guys, and Pokemon. War broke out between them, because the Bad-guys wanted to enslave the Pokemon, while the Good-guys wanted the Pokemon to take their rightful place as servants...”

This series places at the forefront a theme that lurks in most Transformers continuities. The Good-guys and Bad-guys are very, very similar, to the point that it is hard to tell them apart. The so called Good-guys are incredibly flawed, and any moral high ground they once occupied has collapsed under years of war. The Bad-guys often have good reason for starting the war (I mean, not in this particular story, but in some of the others) and have only become bad-guys because war tends to do that to people. These character dynamics provide plenty of story potential.

Transformer Animated

Plot Summary:

A small, plucky band of reject good-guys get stuck on earth. They make friends with humanity while trying to prove that they were never the rejects that their fellow Transformers thought they were.

Appeal:

This series throws out the formula of the above shows and almost completely rebuilds the franchise. It benefits from this originality immensely, and is favoured by fans because the creators showed a great deal of respect for the original material. It’s basically the Eccleston Dr Who of Transformers.

This show casts the Transformers as superheroes, and has a ‘Returning Ancient Evil’ arc plot. Everyone loves those, entertainment statistics would suggest.

I recommend this series as a starting point for any people trying to get into Transformers.

Transformers Prime

Plot Summary:

A CGI remake of the OCS, but the good-guys have Herbert West for a doctor, voiced by Jeffrey Combs, and he is always suspiciously nearby when some of the Transformers become zombies.

Appeal:

This series has flaws, but the fact that it is Transformers meets Reanimator is not one of them.

Rescue Bots

Plot Summary:

A small team of giant robots sleep through an intergalactic war. When they wake up, the fighters of the war want to avoid explaining some four million years of history to them, so set the awoken sleepers up as a rescue response team on an island full of unregulated human inventors. Hilarity ensures.

Appeal:

This series asks the question ‘can we make transformers without the good verses evil plot?’ They can and they did. This is one of the best Transformers series. Non violent and humorous. Innocent and inspiring.

I recommend this series as a starting point for any people trying to get into Transformers.

More Than Meets The Eye (comic)

Plot Summary:

An ancient war is finally over. A group of giant robots from both sides try to live on a spaceship together, with hilarious results.

Appeal:

This story lets characters meet without them instantly trying to kill each other. It explores LBGT themes among the robots.

It does require you to be at least familiar with the franchise norms.

Bayformers

Plot Summary:

This is what fans call those live action films that have been coming out recently. As soon as I make sense of the plot, I’ll return here to summarise it.

Appeal:

Everyone says these films are bad, yet they keep making money. So, there must be something to them, right? Here are some cons and pros:

Cons: Sexism. Racism. Lack of coherent plot. Lack of transforming and character at the same time. Lack of any evidence that the director has employed writers. The fact that the director has said on many occasions that he doesn’t understand the appeal of the franchise. Too often, a complete lack of actual Transformers. I know I said that the transforming isn’t really important, but these films even short-change people on the giant robot front.

Pros: Special effects Fans flock to the films hoping that they might be able to sift five minutes worth of character moments out of the whole film. That’s it.

Steven Universe

Plot summary:

Through the view point of a human child, the viewer comes to understand a galactic war between two non-organic factions.

Appeal:

This show comes in 10 minute episodes, and is completely free of any Transformers franchise baggage. There are songs and jokes and love conquers all. Very LGBT friendly.

I recommend this series as a starting point for any people trying to get into Transformers.

And that’s it, I’m out of time. There is more to transformers than this, but I don’t have space to investigate it all. Hope this has helped people understand why others like Transformers, even if they can’t see it themselves. I’m one of the few people out there that isn’t a fan of Star Wars, so I know how you feel.

[dyscopian]

A Year on My Own

I’m terrible about blogging, or journal keeping in general. I’ve tried them all: previous tumblrs (agentslander which is now just a mess of SPN memes and gifs; the other is brendonurie, given to me by a friend years ago that kind of just turned into reblogging fan art because I feel obligated to post something when I have over 75k followers), word presses, bound books, composition notebooks and ugh, I wish that I could keep up with my bullet journal as well as I’d like, because I’m always coming across new spreads for it but I never stick to it.

It’s doubtful that this will be any different, but I’m into my third glass of wine and instead of working on any of my novels like I should be, I’m tinkering around with all the thoughts about my own life.

A blog has to start somewhere, and while I hope to use this more to run around with ideas for novels, character development and short stories, I also want to use it as a place to just work through my own thought processes.

My lease is almost up, which means it’s been almost a year now since I started out on this little venture that feels like true adulthood. I’ve been reflecting on that a lot over the last few weeks and just processing everything that’s happened in a year and what I’ve learned.

It’s funny how I have a ten year old daughter and had been married for several years but this last year has been the first year since 2008 that I’ve been on my own without living with roommates, friends, family or lovers. It’s given me a chance to really explore myself and find my identity in solitude. The last time I lived alone it was about finding my identity outside of my broken marriage, but this time around it’s had a more positive spin even if there’s been trials and tribulations.

I can sage my house without religious judgement, light incense and sit in a lowly lit room with a glass of wine or a bowl of weed and write, listen to music, read, mess around with tarot cards all while listening to music loudly or letting repeat episodes of Doctor Who play, or just enjoy the silence with the faint sound of my cat purring next to me or my chickens clucking around at my feet with their happy little trills.

That’s me, curled up on the couch watching documentaries on things that will kill in the Victorian home or watching Outlander and wishing the Weeping Angels from Doctor Who were real, because how awesome I think it would be to be sent back in time. I get to be weird and I get to be myself.

In the last year, I’ve graduated from college, learned how to take care of chickens of all things, found what I will and won’t tolerate in a job, friends and partner. I’ve met some of the most incredible people who have helped me discover things about myself. I’ve gotten out of a dead end relationship. I’ve learned the struggle of balancing bills on a low income, which has been a greater struggle than when I had been balancing them in a marriage.

I’ve been to a protest and experienced the rage of knowing the way the media twists events in favor of the system, in order to protect what’s broken rather than stand with the truth to fix it. I can stay out if I want to stay out and come home when I want without having to check in with someone.

These all seem like simple things and maybe I’m experiencing them later in life than a lot of other people but I met my ex husband when I was nineteen and from there never got to experience the independence that so many other people I know had before they settled down. And you never really know independence until you’re truly on your own.

I found out I can still break my own heart by falling for the wrong person. That may not seem like a beautiful thing, but it is. It’s been almost eight years since my divorce and nearly a decade since I let myself feel anything even close to relating to passion. People can’t hurt you if you don’t let them in and despite all my desires to let others in and trying my hand at a few relationships, I could never bring down my walls enough to give them any vulnerable part of me.

It threw me into this whole idea that I might be asexual, but I’m not. If anything, over the last year I’ve begun to embrace the fact that I am bisexual more than any other box that I might be shoved in and I’m standing up for that now, speaking louder about it rather than just shrugging it off and trying to figure out what’s so wrong with me that I can’t open up to the men that I thought I should be able to.

I chose relationships with people who I was better off being friends with and because of such the relationships lacked passion and chemistry because I tried to force myself to feel something that wasn’t there for me, like I was trying to fill a role I was supposed to fill;  but, I know now that I am fully capable of feeling passion and taking risks in being vulnerable. That, regardless of the circumstances that make it impossible for anything to develop, says I’m not as dead inside after my divorce as I thought I was after nearly a decade of being shut down towards others. Which is incredibly beautiful. It’s the latest lesson I’ve learned and I almost didn’t get that chance.

I tried to commit suicide back in July. I downed an entire prescription of Amitriptyline days before Chester Bennington committed suicide and ended up in the hospital two days after I took the pills. It wasn’t rational or thought out. I was just exhausted. Every paycheck coming short for rent and my other bills. Starving myself for days to make sure my child got fed and utilities stayed on. Unhappy and unheard in my relationship.

I had gotten into a fight with my psychiatrist the day of the overdose because I had gone off a medication that was interfering with the Amitriptyline I had been given for my migraines by the neurologist that she had recommended I see. She took me entirely off my anxiety meds because I wasn’t “compliant”, when those were the pills I needed more than the ones I had been told to go off of by the neurologist. It was just a catalyst after trying for over a year to work with her to get into TALK therapy, only to be thrown on all these medications that were making me sick and making my mental state worse.

Just a few months prior I had lost my circle of supposed friends over childish drama with some girls whose popularity on the internet trumped rational thought and whose mindset hadn’t moved past the he said she said of high school. After my overdose, I lost the last one in that circle because my attempt was inconvenient for her and she put my business on the internet and the circumstances for over 1,500 strangers to see on her Facebook on how people shouldn’t talk about suicide to her because it upset her; almost within the same breath of having told me to always come to her when things get to how they were.

My attempt and Chester’s suicide so soon after was a wake up call. I hadn’t been that low since my ex husband and I had separated before the divorce. Even my miserable experience in Pennsylvania hadn’t gotten my mind that bad. I’m not a suicidal person by nature. I fear death, because there’s too much left in this world to experience and I thrive off learning. Can’t do that if you’re dead. I went off all the medications entirely and I’m myself again, able to cope better with my ups and downs without the chemicals in my head being thrown off by all these artificial replacements.

Not that I’m an advocate for that as it does help some people function better depending on their condition. It’s just I’ve never had a condition that anyone’s ever been able to pinpoint as one thing, so they never could figure out what medications I might actually need. Ask one doctor and they’ll tell you I’m bipolar. Ask another, they’ll tell you I suffer from PTSD from my childhood. Another tried to diagnose me with summer seasonal disorder. My old boss thought I was a mix of OCD, anxiety disorders and cyclothymia. As a teenager, they tried to diagnose me as borderline personality disorder, which has NEVER fit me and came with a stigma I never earned or deserved.

They don’t know anything and they don’t take the time to talk to me to find out anything, they just throw labels of diagnosis around. Psychiatry isn’t an exact science because we still don’t fully understand the brain. Pills don’t fix me, getting me to focus on my proper coping skills fixes me. I can only rely on myself for that. That’s why I art in any form I can, but most importantly, it’s why I write and I couldn’t write while so sick and drugged up.

The cocktail of medications I was on was what was killing me, not the stress, as I’ve been able to manage it better since my system’s been clean of anything but weed, my mini pill birth control (so no estrogen) for my endometriosis and B complex. But it’s another lesson I’ve had to relearn while balancing adulthood on my own and I’m thankful for that too, that I’m even still here. I shouldn’t be. Not after that much Amitriptyline. I’m not a religious person, but clearly I’m not done learning and experiencing. Chalk it up to whatever you believe in. I just think my story isn’t finished.

Being on my own has helped me escape. I grew up an only child, so I need space. I’m an empath by nature. My dad used to tell me I was too sensitive and I had to learn to quit, but I never did. It’s why I hate religion because I see how it hurts others and I feel that. I feel the political situation in this country and all the damage it’s causing to humanity. I’m a sponge for information, but I also take in all those emotions of everything and everyone around me. Animals, peoples, things. I feed off energy. It’s draining. I have a certain allotment of what I can handle socially and then I need my space from all human contact.

The independence I have now gives me that and I get the chance to detox from the world. I haven’t had the ability to do that in a long time, but I’ve had the chance this year to recognize how badly I needed that opportunity and to do so again, without judgement or people jumping to conclusions as to why I might not have any interest in socializing. It’s not a lack of interest, it’s too much interest. Now I know that it’s okay that I do that, that I step back sometimes, and I recognize that when I couldn’t before because I was always surrounded by people. It’s just me, who I am and I get to embrace it and that’s been eye opening. Everything this last year has been.

There’s no rhyme or reason for any of this. Consider these all just wine thoughts and reflection. I like to ramble. If anyone even read all this, kudos to you.