#truly had to restrain myself from just picking all my friends with the longest usernames

[sarah-crewe]

tagged by my buddy @jennamacaroni to spell out my account name with songs.

sold (the grundy county auction incident) by john michael montgomery a case of you cover by gabrielle aplin rich by maren morris any man of mine by shania twain hot & heavy by lucy dacus - cruel summer cover by g-flip reckless driving (feat. ben kessler) by lizzy mcalpine embarrassing by taylor bickett wild turkey by amythyst kiah enchanted (taylor's version) by taylor swift

tagging @thecrackshiplollipop @stellesappho @roarsaidthedinosaur @the-emef @fluent-in-lesbianism @knockfivetimes @socallmedaisy @catsofyore @tarynlatx @always-undermining

[captainmarvelrb]

Dysphoria Diaries: Why “Captain Marvel” is my Perfect Transgender Movie

So, this is like a special feature, the first of many I’m sure, but this entry is going to be much longer than usual but I promise it’s worth a read!

So, first thing’s first, it’s been a roller coaster of a year. Started it fully certain that I was a heterosexual, cis-man, and now, in November, I’m sure I’m a transgender, gay woman so, yeah, bit of a big flip there and it can feel pretty overwhelming.

BUT thinking about one film in particular has really helped me out a LOT during this whole scary yet incredibly exciting period, and that film is “Captain Marvel”.

So basically, I was a big fan of Captain Marvel before the movie, back all the way since 2013 and she had just RECENTLY ditched the awful leotard for the kick-ass red, yellow, and blue, and I still remember the first time I fell in love with her. It felt shallow, but it was a poster! I saw a poster of her in my local comic shop, knew nothing about her...but I KNEW I needed that poster because she looked SO COOL. That COSTUME! And then, one thing lead to another, started reading her stories, and then, for one reason or another, I quickly decided, “This woman is MY FAVORITE marvel character. Period.” In this house we LOVE Captain Marvel (hence the username, obvi).

And so I held on, rooting for YEARS for my girl to show up and kick ass in the MCU, and when her film got announced in 2015 I was OVER THE MOON! And then, 2019 hit, and despite all the TOXIC fucking pissbaby, dude-bro men, I got to see her movie, I loved it, and my girl cracked a billion at the box office so, yeah, it was a pretty good year for me :)

And now it’s been a few months, and I’ve had the chance to relive this film many, many times and each time I loved it more but, it’s been a while since I’ve had a chance to give it a rewatch...that is, until I figured out that I am, in actuality, a trans woman. A realization that, in all actuallity, I should have realized a long time ago...

So, why has this significantly changed the way I view this film? Well, a film, any film, is subjective and how you view life significantly affects how you view movies...and I didn’t think it was possible...but now that I know I’m trans this movie has COMPLETELY changed for me and I love it SO MUCH MORE.

Because I feel like it’s my story...I finally see myself here in this very story...

Hear me out here.

The movie starts, as we know, with Carol loving far away on Hala, loving her life as “Vers”, a fierce and promising Kree warrior. And ever-loving badass

And this is where I see myself, at least the version of me that existed when this year started, because even though Vers is seemingly happy, comfortable with who she is and what she does and with how her life is, there’s a part of her that secretly feels restrained. She’s purposefully being held back, she’s not like the others, and she doesn’t even realize it. She’s playing the role of Vers, even if she doesn’t know that it’s just a role...

This is how I was until literally this year. When this year started, I “knew” I was a man, I was straight, and that was that, simple. And sure, some things felt off. I always hated the idea of body hair anywhere on me, I always pick female avatars in games when I have the choice, and I have a super strong affinity for strong, female characters but no, it’s nothing, and I’ve got an excuse and a coping mechanism for all of it. (I.e. Repressing my feelings about my body, I just pick women because I’m a MAN™️ and I just like looking at women, and, my favorite, “it’s just a coincidence”).

I was playing a role...and I played it well. I believed it. I didn’t think about it.

Until something happened that made me question that...

For Carol, it was falling to earth, coming home. For me, it was education and my LGBTQ friends. For both of us, it was exposure...exposure to the very thing we’d been repressing for so damn long.

Carol spends time on earth, realizes she has a life there, and slowly but surely starts to understand that what she’s been told, by those who expect her to play a certain role, is not the truth.

Me, it was going to college, getting away from smalltown, USA and actually spending time learning about and spending time with LGBTQ individuals. Smalltown USA was very conservative, I was not, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t have an effect on me. I knew that LGBTQ individuals didn’t choose to be that way, therefore I didn’t hate them and disparage them like most of my peers, but in environments like that with minimal education on the matters...sometimes you can’t help it. Some things just stick. Bad stereotypical and homophobic thoughts.

Until I went to college. A liberal college. There I learned more, and a lot of those ingrained, toxic thoughts were dissolved and replaced with understanding and appreciation and respect. This increased much, much further when my girlfriend revealed to me that she was bisexual and also non-binary. And she helped me more than anyone else, because for the first time I had an actual friend who was an active and knowledgeable member of the LGBTQ community. She taught me SO much...

And it only took 3 years with her, 3 years of growing thoughts and possibilities...before I asked her some important questions.

Carol said, “I think I used to have a life here.”

I said, “I think I would prefer it if I was in a female body.”

And then, from that first simple, personal observation both of us, Carol and I, grew and grew, understanding more and more as we went on our own personal journeys. Fortunately for both of us, we weren’t alone. We had someone to talk to...

And although we had all the evidence in front of us, and although we knew something was wrong, we stayed in denial for the longest time. Despite everything I had said, everything I felt, I decided that I wasn’t trans, because I thought I would be fine living life in a male body. I decided that “non-binary” would be a better descriptor. Even “Non-Binary Trans Femme”, and I even came out to my friends as such. But, even though I did so, it never really felt right. But It meant I didn’t need to change. I could pretend that nothing was different. It wasn’t flat-out denial...but it was a denial.

Carol stayed in denial until Telos showed her the black box...I stayed in denial until my partner told me how it was, made me stop lying to myself, and we had some more long conversations.

And she told me something that I still haven’t forgotten.

She told me, in regards to what I call myself, “You need to do whatever makes you feel powerful.”

And it clicked...because I didn’t feel powerful as I was...because, in my mind, powerful goes hand in hand with the word “woman”. And everything fell into place. I would feel powerful if I was in a female body. I would feel confident leaving the house. I would be happy with the way I looked. I would feel that everything inside would finally be justified, comfortable, and happy...it was the moment I broke that facade. I realized I’d been playing a role. The role of a man. A role that had been holding me back.

Since I learned I was trans, I’ve felt happy, happier than I have felt in a long time. I’m excited. I’m energetic. I’ve started working out, running, I’ve started taking care of myself. I’m eating healthier, snacking less. I’m writing again, happily. I’m I afraid of what others think or say. I feel a weight off my shoulders.

And it 100% made me feel like Carol when she breaks her regulator, and finally goes binary.

Because that was the moment that she accepted who she was, and stopped playing a role. And that was the moment when she truly became powerful. A force of nature. Earth’s Mightiest Hero.

And she became unstoppable...and that’s exactly how I feel right now in this moment...I feel free and proud

Because I am lucky. I have such a supportive friend group around me right now, such important people who have embraced me, who still love me, and it makes me feel like I’m shining, glowing like a Star. It makes me feel like I got something to look forward to, and it makes me so eager and excited.

I still haven’t told my parents, and I don’t know how that will go...but here...Carol is once again nothing more than an inspiration to me. Because...

...or them, or anyone else. I am valid, I am beautiful, and I will be amazing. Because this is my journey, and just like Carol it’s only just beginning.

And, you know, this post may feel like it ended up going no where but I don’t care. It helps me keep it together, it makes me happy, so I’m gonna do It and I’m gonna post it. Because I think it’s cool. I think it’s amazing that such an important character in my life has played such a new, important, and unexpected role in what feels like a new life...and that matters so much to me. And me alone.

Thanks for reading :)

It’s the little things...