#true it shows a guy laying face down a la Caesar

[belladonnaprice]

[scheduledfor1fall]

Wrestlemania IX Review

Hello, folks. Just a friendly reminder that sometime soon, I’ll be posting a follow-up to this review, in which I analyze the card and discuss some changes I think would have improved this show even marginally. Until then, let’s get right into the review!

 We get a short intro, before going to our host Gorilla Monsoon, who, true to his word, is wearing a toga. Monsoon introduces us to the newest addition to the announce team, Jim Ross. Yes, it’s the debut of Good Ol’ JR in the WWF. Unfortunately, JR is sans cowboy hat this time around, but he too is wearing a toga. Ross throws us over to Howard Finkel, who today will be known as “Finkus Maximus.” Maximus introduces us to Caesar and Cleopatra, making their return from the Royal Rumble on an elephant. Out next is Randy Savage, coming out on a sedan, being fed grapes. Kinda wish it had been Slim Jims. Savage gets a huge pop, and I’m sad that he’s not actually wrestling tonight. Out next is Bobby Heenan, riding backwards on a camel, and looking absolutely terrified. Heenan complains that he was supposed to be the one on the sedan, with the virgins feeding him grapes. Alrighty then. With the commentators now gathered, we get the entrance of Intercontinental Champion Shawn Michaels, flanked by Luna Vachon in her WWF debut. Out next is Tatanka with a hatchet. Tatanka circles Michaels with the hatchet, as I fear we may see a murder live on PPV. Out to second Tatanka is Michaels’ former manager Sherri, as our opening match gets underway:

 TATANKA DEF. SHAWN MICHAELS BY COUNT-OUT, WITH SHAWN RETAINING THE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP:

 Good way to kick off the show. Michaels was working very hard here, and Tatanka looked the best he ever had up to this point. The finish, of course, is definitely the elephant in the room. Obviously, the company didn’t want to end Tatanka’s winning streak too soon. At the same time, I guess they decided either that it was too soon to end Shawn’s reign as IC Champion, or they didn’t think Tatanka needed the belt. Either scenario begs the question of why the match was even set up in the first place, given the circumstances. On it’s own merits, however, the match was solid. ***.

 Post-match, Luna jumps Sherri, but is scared away by the noble stereotype, who checks on Sherri, and helps her away from ringside. Afterwards, we cut to an interview conducted by Mean Gene, whose toga is thankfully much more modest than he had implied it to be. Mean Gene welcomes his guest, the Steiner Brothers. Scott cuts quite possibly the most coherent promo of his career, and Rick promises to make Julius Caesar proud. Cut back to the ring, as the Headshrinkers and Afa are already awaiting their opponents. Out next are The Steiners, as we get our next match:

 THE STEINER BROTHERS DEF. THE HEADSHRINKERS BY PINFALL VIA FRANKENSTEINER:

 Very fun, hard hitting match between these two teams. I actually liked this a little bit better than the opener, and, in fact, I’d go so far as to say this was one of the most underrated Wrestlemania matches I can think of, at least as far as ones that don’t really get talked much about. Just a solid tag team match, and a great follow-up to the opener. *** 1/4.

 Cut back to Mean Gene and a statue of Caesar dressed up like Doink the Clown. Interesting. Mean Gene claims Doink desecrated the statue, and runs down Doink’s evil deeds, to which Doink laughs uproariously. I’m really loving Doink as these shows go on. Doink, in a heavy-handed instance of foreshadowing, warns that Crush may be seeing “double vision” by the end of the night. Out comes Crush for this grudge match. Out next is Doink, with an umbrella, for some reason. He really should’ve come out on a unicycle, or with some hyenas, or something. Doink squirts Crush with his flower, causing a chase to start the match:

 DOINK THE CLOWN DEF. CRUSH BY PINFALL VIA PROSTHETIC ARM SHOT:

 Kind of a standard, somewhat boring match, until the amazingly cartoonish finish, which saw a second Doink emerge with a prosthetic arm while the real Doink was about to be put in a Kona Crush. The two Doinks ganged up on Crush with the arm, did the Groucho Marx mirror gag, and both burst into laughter, before Doink pinned Crush. Enjoyably wacky finish to an otherwise forgettable match. * 3/4.

 Post-match, another referee runs out and informs the ref of the second Doink. They check under the ring, to no avail. Cut to Todd Pettengill in the crowd, as he polls some Japanese cameramen about whether or not there were two Doinks. They babble about Yokozuna and laugh, much to Pettengill’s disappointment. Waste of time. Razor Ramon’s music hits, as The Bad Guy makes his way to the ring. Out next is Bob Backlund, for his very first Wrestlemania match.

 RAZOR RAMON DEF. BOB BACKLUND BY PINFALL VIA INSIDE CRADLE:

 Short, boring mismatch between these two. I’ve touched on Backlund being out of his element here, and I would point to this match as an example of why. Razor took all sorts of bumps for Backlund, and it didn’t really come off as believable. The finish didn’t really do either of them any favors, either. For what it’s worth, there were some pretty loud “Razor” chants at the beginning of the match, so make of that what you will. 3/4 *.

 Back to Mean Gene, as he’s interviewing the Tag Team Champions, Money Inc. We get a look at how the feud between these two and the Mega-Maniacs all started. DiBiase says it’s time to put up or shut up, calling Las Vegas their backyard, and IRS threatens to take Beefcake’s protective mask and further injure his face. They also insinuate that Hulk Hogan’s conspicuous black eye here was caused by them, specifically that they paid some goons to rough him up coming out of the gym. Do they think I’m stupid or something? I’ve seen Hogan survive much worse bodily harm in Mr. Nanny. I’m sure he’ll be fine. Out come the champions for our co-main event. Out next are the Mega-Maniacs, and Hogan is sporting quite a nasty shiner, indeed.

 MONEY INC. DEF. THE MEGA-MANIACS BY DQ TO RETAIN THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP:

 So, here was the finish: the referee was down. Beefcake and IRS were both down. They tagged in their respective partners, and Hogan used the facemask of Beefcake, which had been ripped off during the match, on the heels. Hogan and Beefcake then pinned their opponents at the same time. Jimmy Hart, who comes off as rather Scrappy Doo-ish in his newfound babyface role, then turned his jacket inside out to reveal zebra stripes, and counted the pin. Hogan and Beefcake, like colossal buffoons, celebrated with the tag team titles, as if that actually counted as a win, until a real referee came down and disqualified the Mega-Maniacs, probably for that bout of idiocy, to which Hogan and Beefcake were incredulous. What an awful finish to an otherwise average tag team match. Again, we must ask the question: why book a match, a title match no less, wherein the challenger cannot, under any circumstances, lose the match, when you have no intention of changing the belts? This was far worse than the Michaels/Tatanka deal. That one reeked of desperation. This one reeked of bullshit; they really couldn’t pin Beefcake? The man who went in with a known injury that could very well have been exploited? This was infuriating, but I can’t really slag the match too much. **. On a side note, it looks like Hogan won’t be leaving Wrestlemania IX with gold. Too bad he won’t be given another opportunity to win a title tonight, because I think he’d do it in record time.

 Post-match, Jimmy Hart throws the ref out of the ring, and the Mega-Maniacs celebrate by opening up Money Inc’s briefcase and throwing money to the crowd. Ugh. We get another interview with Todd Pettengill, this time with Natalie Cole, daughter of the Jazz great Nat King Cole, and the CEO of Caesar’s Palace, Dan Reichartz. Neither of them really contribute much. We then get a Mean Gene interview with Mr. Perfect, ahead of his match with Lex Luger. Okerlund points out how many people Luger has knocked out with his forearm, including WWF Champion Bret Hart at a brunch earlier that day. Mr. Perfect stumbles a bit over his promo, and goes to the ring. Out first is Lex Luger, with his long posing routine, this time incorporating four mirrors with sparklers on them. Well, that’s new. Out next is Mr. Perfect to a huge reaction.

 LEX LUGER DEF. MR. PERFECT BY PINFALL VIA BACKSLIDE:

 Well, this was a little disappointing. I’ve generally enjoyed watching Mr. Perfect wrestle on some of these episodes of Raw so far, so I was expecting a solid match, even though I’m really not a fan of Luger’s work so far. For whatever reason, these two just didn’t click at all. I won’t lay the blame entirely on Lex; I just don’t think these two had a particularly good chemistry in this match. * 1/2.

 Post-match, Luger hits Perfect with the forearm, knocking Perfect out. Shortly after, Perfect goes after Luger to the back. Finding Luger talking to Shawn Michaels, Perfect starts brawling with the Narcissist, until Michaels attacks him from behind. I guess he really doesn’t like having his conversations interrupted. Michaels continues the beatdown, until officials pull the two apart. Back to ringside, as Heenan and Savage argue about what they just saw, leading to Savage standing up threateningly to a huge pop. Man, it’s too bad Vince didn’t want him to wrestle at this time. Ross sends it to Gorilla Monsoon, as he hypes up Undertaker vs. Giant Gonzalez and Bret Hart vs. Yokozuna, still to come. Giant Gonzalez is out next. Oh lord, no. Gonzalez is still wearing the stupid air-brushed muscle suit. They couldn’t give him tights, or a loincloth, or something other than that? Out next is The Undertaker, on a funeral chariot, with a vulture. If Taker did shoot interviews, I’d be very interested to hear if he had any problems with the bird. Speaking of problems, here comes this match!

 THE UNDERTAKER DEF. GIANT GONZALEZ BY DQ:

 Wowie, was this bad. If I had to choose between The Great Khali and Giant Gonzalez which one is a worse wrestler, I’d have to go with Gonzalez, if for no other reason than his selling. The dude sold like a shambling zombie most of the match, and his offense was just as putrid. The finish, which infamously featured Gonzalez use a chloroform-soaked rag on Taker, was just as insulting, as the list of awful finishes from this show continues to grow. Bad stuff. Probably the worst Streak match I’ve ever seen in my life. -**.

 Post-match, a group of officials checked on Undertaker, which lead to Gonzalez chokeslamming one. Taker is stretchered out, as the crowd begins chanting for Hogan. Oh, you’ll have to wait a few minutes for him, folks. Suddenly, the gong rings, as Taker comes back out to Gonzalez’s dismay. Taker goes after him in the ring, as Paul Bearer attempts to restrain him. Gonzalez is then lead out by security, as Undertaker is announced as the winner by DQ. JR promises that the war between these two is far from over. Stick around, folks!

 We go back to Mean Gene once again, as we see Yokozuna’s defeat of Jim Duggan, as well as a contract signing between Yoko and Bret, which ended with another Banzai Drop. Gene acknowledges that the odds-makers are betting on Yokozuna to win the match. Well, give them a prize. Gene then asks Hulk Hogan for his thoughts on the main event. Hogan rambles about Bret Hart, as well as his and Brutus Beefcake’s injuries at the hands of Money Inc. Hogan warns Bret to watch out for Yokozuna, as he assures him that he and his Hulkamaniacs are on his side. Hogan then issues a challenge to either Bret or “the Jap.” Lovely. Anyway, the challenge is laid out; the winner of the WWF Championship match tonight will face Hulk Hogan at some point. Perhaps before the show goes off the air, even. Gene then takes us to Todd Pettengill, who accosts some fans, including two frat boys who are probably having the time of their lives, getting to wear togas out in public, drinking beer, and watching some rather poor wrestling. Out first is Yokozuna, with Mr. Fuji. Out next is the champion, as our main event begins.

 YOKOZUNA DEF. BRET HART BY PINFALL VIA SALT TO WIN THE WWF CHAMPIONSHIP:

 Considering this was Yokozuna’s first major PPV match, I have to say, I did not think this was bad. There’s only so much these two can do with each other, and I feel like what they did was probably the best it could be. Bret’s certainly capable of better matches, but, for what it was, a pretty decent match. ** 1/2.

 But wait, it’s not over yet! As soon as Yokozuna stands up, in comes Hulk Hogan, outraged at Bret’s title loss. Hogan checks on Bret, when Mr. Fuji grabs a mic and challenges Hogan to a match with Yokozuna. Uh-oh. Hogan is about to walk away with Bret, but he freezes when Fuji offers to put the WWF Title on the line. Bret tells Hogan to go for it, in a moment that he may or may not be bitter about today. Hogan, being the noble hero he is, accepts the challenge against the tired fat man, and here we go:

 HULK HOGAN DEF. YOKOZUNA BY PINFALL VIA LEG DROP TO WIN THE WWF CHAMPIONSHIP:

 Essentially, Yoko tries to grab Hogan as soon he enters, trying to hold him back so Fuji can throw salt in the Hulkster’s eyes. Hogan ducks the salt, however, as it strikes Yokozuna. Hogan then takes down Fuji, hits Yokozuna with a clothesline not unlike his finisher in Japan, and nails the leg drop to score the quick victory. Many others have said it before, but, yeah, this left a bad taste in my mouth. I don’t know if this was the plan all along. If not, the question must be asked for the third time tonight, why make a title match where you don’t really want the challenger to become champion? They may not have ever had a heel walk out of Wrestlemania as champion before, but there’s different ways to send the crowd home happy. This reeked of desperation, much like the previous finishes. I should mention that this was the last WWF Title match for quite some time. The next title match would be Hogan dropping the title 70 days later at King of the Ring, but we’ll get to that when we get to it. Stupid, stupid stuff, but not really worth rating, to be honest.

 OVERALL THOUGHTS:

 I will concede that I’ve never seen the earliest Wrestlemanias, some of which may be worse than this show. I’ve also never seen Wrestlemania XI, which seems to go hand-in-hand with this show as among the worst Wrestlemanias. I have seen Wrestlemanias 27 and 32, which some consider to be among the worst. But of all the Manias I’ve seen, this was by far the worst. Bad finishes, bad matches, bad booking all around, and a headscratchingly strange aesthetic to the production made for a rather unenjoyable viewing experience. I will say, the first two matches are definitely worth seeing. Maybe even Yokozuna vs. Bret Hart, I suppose. But as a whole, I’d have to give this show a thumbs down. Watch it for historical purposes if you must, but be aware that a long stretch of tedium and boredom await you.

 Well, that’s for all now. Stay tuned, as next time I go over a few changes I would’ve made to the card to improve it, even a little bit. Until next time.