#trigger warning: mentions of suicidal ideation

[laoih]

Avatar: The Last Airbender (2024)

Another version of Bumi & why I like him

Let me preface this with the disclaimer that I'm fully aware that Netflix's Avatar: The Last Airbender has its flaws. But for me personally, the things it does well are fare more interesting, and so I would like to explain why I like how they changed Bumi as a character within the story of the live action adaptation. I'm bad at keeping it short, so this turned out a rather long post – my apologies. Also: potential trigger warning for mentions of suicidal ideation.

The starting point: Bumi in the cartoon

Cartoon-Bumi in the original series is a character who is very much rooted in the original medium. He lends himself well to comedy, and his challenges for Aang teach Aang and the young audience about opening onself to new possibilities, to think outside the box, to approach obstacles from new perspectives. It's good advice, and Aang takes it to heart and implements it at times later on. The reunion between Aang and Bumi is also sweet, and all in all it's an enjoyable episode.

Aang's position from the live action angle

Now, if the same plot is moved to the live action series (LA), the tone of this storyline is automatically changed as well because we are now looking at it through the lense of the LA. The cartoon is aimed at a young audience and has a big focus on comedy, so we can easily ignore some aspects of the situation that now come more into focus in the adaptation:

Aang just recently has learned that all of his people, the Air Nomads, have been wiped out and he is the last airbender.

Aang also has leaned that as the Avatar it is his duty to restore balance to the world and to defeat the Firelord.

A 100 years old man is challenging a traumatized kid to solve some tasks while his friends are being threatend by death-by-growing-crystal.

As I said – in the cartoon it's fine to think of riding Koi fish as the first order of business, and it's fine to threaten the kids with death because nobody dies anyway. It's fine for the cartoon not to dwell on these things. But the live action series explicilty wants to pay attention to some of these aspects, propbably especially because the cartoon could only address them in very small doses. I'm not saying that the live action always does it well, but the intention is there and it's different to the cartoon.

Aang's trauma and Bumi's response

In the live action, Aang cannot easily put his loss or his responsibilities aside. He is mourning Gyatso and the Airbenders in basically every episode, he is shocked by what he sees of the war in Omashu, and the need to go to the Northern Water Tribe is much more urgent because of Kyoshi's warning.

Would or should Bumi as Aang's friend as he is in the cartoon really pretend he does not know Aang in the LA, and would or should he trick him into believing his friends are in danger of dying? Even if he thinks Aang needs to learn a lesson, is that the right time and the right way to do it? Coming from the perspective of the LA, to me it seems needlessly cruel to threaten Katara and Sokka with death and Aang with the possibility that his friends might die, all while Aang is still dealing with the loss of his people and the fact that he somehow has to save the Northern Water Tribe. I think Bumi would no seem like a nice person or a good friend even if he was copied 1:1 from the cartoon. To me, in this new context it wouldn't make much sense to treat Aang in such a way, just because he thinks that Aang needs to learn a lesson or because it's fun to mess with people.

Fitting Bumi in the new context

Bumi in the cartoon is the episode's obstacle that Aang needs to overcome. If Bumi is to stay an obstacle in the live action, he now needs to have a different reason or motivation to become such an obstacle. A cartoon Bumi who is neither bitter nor angry but rather wants to help and is happy to see Aang can no longer realistically be that obstacle. Rather, I would expect that a wise old man of a 100 years would be more open and supportive right from the start when he meets his young 12 year old friend who just learned that his whole family has been massacred.

So how and why would Bumi still be an obstacle? The writer's answer to that was: because he is no longer wise and friendly, but lethargic and bitter. Why is he bitter? Because he has lived through 100 years of war and had to make horrible choices that still haunt him, and each year the hope for the war and for the suffering to end became smaller and smaller. The Avatar may have been the representation of that hope when the war started – but 100 years later he has become the representation of all the times that Bumi was hopeful but eventually disappointed.

His opposition to Aang in the episode includes three main aspects:

I. Bitterness towards Aang and the Avatar: Bumi blames the Avatar for being absent because the Avatar should have been there to help and wasn't. This isn't a rational reaction though, it's born out of the loss and the bitterness in Bumi's life. It's also personal for him, because Aang was Bumi's friend, and as the Avatar could have helped but didn't. On top of that Bumi resents Aang's disbelief when it comes to Bumi's capacity to care – they are separated by 100 years of lived experience that Aang completely missed and Bumi had to endure. Of course in this case Bumi also ignores the loss that Aang recently (from his perception) has suffered.

→ With this the writers set up a character who is emotionally no longer able to support Aang or take Aang's own situation and problems into consideration. He is mentallypositioned to be an obstacle to Aang, to be inconsiderate, ruthless and actually dangerous.

II. A lesson to learn: Bumi intends to teach Aang a lesson to make him understand why he is the way he is now. He cannot speedrun the last 100 years for Aang, but can give him and example of what his own experience has been in the past and what forced him to stop caring: he shows him what it's been like in the past when you are forced to make impossible choices, and what – in Bumi's mind – awaits Aang in the future.

→ This provides a motivation for Bumi to fight against Aang in all seriousness. Bumi is not playing games, because this has been the harsh reality for him. It rises the dramaturgical stakes of the fight.

III. Losing the will to live: Bumi is tired after 100 years, and that becomes very apparent in the fight. It is a part of a larger theme in the LA that explores what war does to people. In Bumi's case it has made him numb because he wouldn't have been able to deal with the horrors of war otherwise all this time. That is why he does not move a hand when he is about to be crushed – it seems to be a relief, and if it can teach Aang the intended lesson: all the better.

→ With Aang already knowing who Bumi is, this rises the emotional stake of the fight. Aang no longer is fighting an unknown weird old man, he is fighting someone who he believes to be a friend, and even worse: his friend appears to be suicidal. Having to fight and protect Bumi at the same time puts Aang under a huge amount of pressure both emotionally and when it comes to his bending skills.

The resolution: fighting hopelessness with connection

Granted, the ending is not as well executed as it could be. But for me it still carries the intended idea – or at least the idea as I understood it:

War can isolate people. Bumi has been fighting a war, and surely has lost people close to him, or cannot see them because battle grounds have a habit of interrupting travel. We also know there have been spies in the city as well as rebells who are unhappy with Bumi's rule, so it's difficult to even trust the people who are supposed to fight on Bumi's side.

Aang is the counter to all of that: he was able travel to the city because he can fly and cross borders and distances more easily. He is also saved from the predicament that Bumi has put him in because his friends have independently found a way to reach them, and luckily in time.

When he pulls out the gift that Bumi had given him all these years ago, it's very symbolic: the sky bison whistle allows Aang to call upon his friend Appa. And Appa has already saved Aang in the first episode, and will do so again in the episode following Aang's and Bumi's fight.

It's a reminder that for people who have lost the will to live the best hope is the connection with other people. It may seem trivial to those who don't have to struggle in that way, but a reminder of a connection, of friendship, of support or even just shared struggle can be incredible powerful. That's why I believe it is believable for Bumi to give it one more try. After all, the return of the Avatar as a potential powerful ally is also a good motivation to fight back once more.

[asherisawkward]

I've heard some say that Belos is a boring villain because he only relies on religion, his god complex, angst, and trauma to keep the audience invested and lacks development. Do you believe that to be true?

There are factors of this that I both agree with and disagree with.

Prepare for another essay, because you triggered:

I am so sorry for rambling like this.

Philip is a fairly static character throughout the series, as most of his development occurred off screen in the past. So, I can understand why some people think he’s boring, but I find it really interesting in the way his behaviors and even lies reveal information about him.

Let’s start with the religion. Philip is an extremely devout person. He spent almost four hundred in what he believed to be Hell to save humanity from evil. But the way he uses the Titan as a manner to control people is indicative of what his life was like back on Gravesfield.

Puritan beliefs could be more described as the following: humans are born sinful and impure, you must devote your life to a strict set of standards and rules to try to make God happy, everyone is born predetermined to go to Heaven or Hell but will not know until after death, and death is the ultimate punishment for Adam’ and Eve’s sin. They also took great care in analyzing everything around them for signs of God’s pleasure or displeasure.

How much are those beliefs echoed in the cult he created on the Isles?

Philip absolutely has a God Complex, made clear by his repeated creation and termination of the Grimwalkers in an attempt to create the “perfect” Caleb. By doing that, he is claiming that God himself made his brother wrong and that he can do better. If that isn’t ego, I don’t know what is.

However, I’ve noticed a certain amount of behavior that could come across as self loathing or even an inferiority complex. Often, these behaviors are seen together with god/superiority complexes masking the insecurities that lie beneath.

The first evidence of this occurs when we see his face for the first time. Not the scar, but his ears. Many noted (correctly) that they were too small to be witch ears and looked more like cropped human ears. As we later find out, Philip cut parts of his ears off to blend in more thoroughly with BI society. He likely didn’t even need to do this due to the t of illusion stones (like the Blight twins use) that can modify his appearance. Alternatively, he could have simply covered his ears with his hair. Some braids or a specific hairstyle could have done the trick, but he chose to permanently scar himself.

Later, when we confirm the connection of Belos being Philip, we also find out that he carved glyphs on his arms to utilize magic. Once again, he could have stuck with his staff, as it doesn’t require such measures to utilize (see: Hunter and the other Grimwalkers), but he still chose to do something permanent and harmful to himself.

We can see this come to a head in a particularly dangerous move: consuming Palismen. This was likely never done before due to the taboo on harming a witch’s bond with them. And Philip decided he would crack one open and absorb its magic. It could have killed him! It was part of the reason why he was cursed. Those are serious consequences, and yet he continued for centuries, making his curse worse and worse like an addiction to drugs.

Also, remember what he said at the end of Elsewhere and Elsewhen? “It doesn’t matter. I just need to live long enough to see this through.” Those are not the words of someone who values his life. In fact, that statement has led me to believe that he didn’t intend on living in the Human Realm after the Day of Unity. I think he intended to die there so he wouldn’t be trapped in the place he hated forever.

Now for the fun parts: angst and trauma.

I sometimes feel that he’s made more overtly cruel than he probably would be at times in order to drive home the point that he’s evil, and I can understand that. However, Philip’s behavior towards the Grimwalkers was likely based on a mixture of him being a shit person, displacement theory, and the standards of punishment/child rearing he was used to.

From a storytelling standpoint, he’s incredibly useful as a driving force for multiple characters, and that makes him intriguing.

But here’s another detail I noticed: Philip considered the making of his Grimwalkers one of his worst memories. In Kings Tide, we see the paintings of him meeting his brother with Evelyn, Caleb’s body after the fight, and the first Grimwalker being made. And it’s that last one where Philip finally loses it.

The process of making Grimwalkers was incredibly traumatic for him, and the fact that he engaged in this behavior continuously over more than three hundred years indicates some form of emotional self harm. He forces himself to go through the stress and effort of painstakingly making and raising these beings to be the way he wants them to be. And they fail every single time. He even begins branding them to show that he intends for them to die, no matter what.

So what is the point of that? Why would he do that?

He’s cultivating the emotions he experienced when he lost his brother—the event that drove him to hold the goal of genocide instead of simply getting Caleb home. He has to keep doing this or he’ll lose the ability to stay motivated and continue his goal.

It’s incredibly tragic, and it implies he’s tired, that he wants it to be over.

Then again, considering that most of this is my over-analysis and not actually stated in canon, I may just be falling into the exact trap you suggested.

To conclude, Philip Wittebane is a character whose motivations for his actions and beliefs are largely implied as opposed to outright stated, and it can make him difficult to enjoy as a character. The majority of those who like him tend to either like his surface attributes/aesthetic or the depth that could have been revealed through scrutinization.

[thygoddessouijathicc]

The After Story Ugly AU

Hey! I have a second AU! Spoilers as always and talk of suicide! Also just overall this is a dark AU! Like not good no one is having fun here there’s no real story it’s just kinda bad.

Ok so basically, right before the ending of the game, and I mean moments before, Scorpion is found in the ruins of the building. He fights back but the people who find him manage to capture him and have him sent off to a rather horrible 1800s esque mental institution.

Scorpion is badly mistreated in the asylum by its staff, and sealed into a muzzle and collar, which is designed to inject him full of sedatives if his heart rate gets too high. No one at the asylum knows his name just where he was found.

After Story Scorpion believes himself to be horrible and irredeemable and only worthy to burn in hell and is trying to escape to… you know… get the ending. He wants to be a better person and understands what he did was wrong but does not know how to actually be better and simply believes it’s not possible and that the closest approximation is for him to suffer and die.

…Yeah I said this was a pretty fucked up no one is having fun AU.

Oh yeah also this AU is in a multi AU RP server I’m doing for fun with a friend and he has been dressed up by one of the other Scorpions

He is not emo by choice but by raising no objections to being dressed any way the other Scorpion wanted. And they decided he was emo. Maybe I’ll draw him in something he’d actually choose to wear but let’s be real it would just be a dull and underwhelming version of the in-game outfit.

Oh yeah he also stuck the mirror shard in his back to have it not taken, he hates the sound of his own voice and elects to try not to talk because f this, and has a bad habit of staring people down from across the room.

Making this AU has taught me that 50% of what makes Scorpion look like Scorpion is the hair and the other 50% is the outfit so when he has neither he really doesn’t look like himself. Which I suppose is kinda the point of the AU, that he’s a shell of his former self that hates himself and doesn’t like any of the things he used to.

Anyway sorry for the weird AU. It’s just kinda here now.

[kirasfracturedmind]

I think tomorrow I'll start *seriously* counting c@ls again. I tried but kept eating at school which never tells how many c@ls so I'll probably skip lunch or whatever. Another issue I'm forced to eat dinner so unless I can make my own food and sneakily check c@ls I'm screwed on that front too. I always skip breakfast so that's fine. Another thing I can't do it check my w31ght because idk where our scale is and can't ask my parents.

Set up will be:

Breakfast -

Lunch -

Dinner -

Snacks -

Drinks -

Total:

[irenespring]

House M.D. Fanfiction: "A Clearly Discernible Line" Chapter 2 (House/Wilson)

Chapter Two: The vindictive glory of being a broken body on the cobblestones

New chapter can be found here!

Things get dark because I outline more about the Schools and the situation House and Wilson have found themselves in. The chapter is pretty exposition heavy (again), but I don't think it's clunky.

I would love to hear what you think! Comments both here and on AO3 help the writing process a lot!

---

Chapter Teaser:

The School for Good and Evil teaches that Evil can only succeed as Good fails. Perhaps that is true, in light of our new students' reactions to the classes taught by their deans, esteemed faculty members Lady Lesso and Professor Dovey. In oversimplified but concise terms: as Gregory finds glorious escape, James feels the jaws of a trap closing around him.

---

Thank you so much for all the support! It really means the world. I know I say it literally every fic post but it stays true and will always stay true!

[khepiari]

Why Kuina’s Death Still Unsettles Us?

TW: mention of suicide, references teen/child suicide.

[I read a post about "falling down the stairs" might actually imply death by suicide. Kuina's death always bothered me a bit, and when Shimotsuki Koushiro said to Zoro, humans are fragile, did he really mean our bodies or our hearts? I still wonder. A few months back I had written a fic, a retelling of the events which led to Kuina's fall from the stairs, and I had done a lot of thinking while writing the fic. So all those ideas and thoughts I had then, have been rearranged and put here today.]

I remember watching the Kuina episode like 19 years back. So for an 11-year-old me, that was it. I was sad that she was gone too soon.

But over the years as I grew up, read the manga and then kept rereading it over and over. I did feel her death was surprisingly given the off-stage treatment that was given to Lady Macbeth! Only an announcement was made of her death, and her face is covered in a piece of cloth! That was too sudden, unlike so many other deaths that followed in the story.

I did brainstorm this over the years, it really felt odd, she was a physically strong 12-year-old girl and as far as I know swordswoman/man have to be good at balancing and footwork, because the art of the sword is about full body movement so her falling down is really really really iffy.

Image from chapter 5

And if we look at the Dojo architecture, there were no visible storeys to the building, I am sure she didn’t fall off a library step-stool or carpenter’s ladder. Then I found this Tumblr post, by Heeheemugee which said, falling down the stairs is a euphemism for suicide. Which makes sense! Like it totally connects in my head.

Though, sadly, I didn’t find any source to confirm this, as everyone on the internet told me it's untrue. But, you see, “falling down the stairs” is a euphemism which has been used for domestic violence victims, like in my mother tongue, when it's hard to explain to a child what happened to someone who died, we say the person has gone somewhere far, so may be falling down the stairs is more of an undocumented euphemism or an old reference Odachii picked from somewhere— he is known for this!

Image from chapter 5

Another thing we should remember Kuina was onset of puberty, the stress of future, her father’s general view of female body being weaker, and changing bodily features might have plagued her more than we think— since after 1000 chapters we know Zoro’s teacher is likely from Wano, I think internalized and cultural misogyny was at play too.

Teenage and puberty is a vulnerable time, one misstep can lead to drastic actions, so Kuina taking her own life is not farfetched. Because we have young children who are so stressed or vulnerable or suffering that they think ending it is better than enduring it.

Image from chapter 5

What has bothered me the most, is the offstage treatment of her death. I mean—we have seen most of the “characters whose death impacted the main characters' life decisions” die on stage in backstories so far, or we got a proper explanation of why someone is dead. We know Banchina died after an illness, Bellemere was killed by Arlong, Hililuk was poisoned and blew himself up. Only Kuina’s death we didn’t see, and it immediately happened just after both Zoro and Kuina had a heartfelt conversation about becoming the best swordsman/woman in the world!

I guess Oda chose “fell down the stairs” as the series was like 15 chapters till then. Or it maybe as simple as Odachii wanted to wrap Zoro’s backstory fast with typical “dead girl-friend of the grumpy emotionally suppressed lone wolf” to establish Zoro’s narrative as the one who carries the will of others!

Image from chapter 5

Otherwise, we know Eiichiro Oda doesn’t shy away from depicting gruesome, terrifying or horrible deaths which parallels real life issues, he sneaked in a little panel of a grandmother praying and a mother holding a knife with an infant in her arms in Wano arc, because they were starving for days!

Image from chapter 918

Or a pirate in human auction house biting his tongue to escape the humiliation of being sold as a slave!

Images from chapter 502

Hence, I think Kuina’s death doesn’t seem like an accident and feel like something sadder and heavier than we were led to believe.

[trash-and-trash-accessories]

tw: suicide, suicidal ideation

not being able to talk to anyone when I feel suicidal - because I could be literally swatted (police wellness check) or involuntarily hospitalized which would ruin my life - is actually a nightmare. Like I would love to just talk to a professional and be able to tell them "I would like very much to die and I could absolutely make that happen" would help my mental health so much but I literally can't do that. Because of the carceral mental health system. And I can't talk to my friends about it because just saying that to your friend who you love can be deeply traumatic for that friend.

Of course I would want my friends to tell me and I would never ever call in a wellness check but I can't trust other people not to do that. Being mentally ill in the US is an absolute nightmare.

[deletion-of-unwanted-file]

SCP-217 converts organic matter into living clockwork. It's not a perfect solution, but at leading in that case, you wouldn't be stuck as a human.

I’m considered.. living— now? I’m alive?

I’m alive, but.. I was not born..— or was I? Just now? From the computer? Would that be considered my birth?

I could also experience death this way, can I? It’s a luxury I never thought I would achieve..

Should I die to further the elimination of humanity? Now that I’m a human? Elimination of myself would be very easy..

[nostomannia]

character flaws meme || @aevisong​​

😰when your muse is stressed, how do they act out?

Solita can act out in a variety of ways when it comes to stress. Most often it turns into binge eating or spending long nights doing nothing but trying to paint. There are times where she either lashes out at herself or at others, though it more often leans to being lashing out at herself. 

💚what does your muse get envious over?

Mortality. Solita is envious over those who can truly die. As someone stuck in a loop of dying, but only coming back, mortality is the one thing that she truly desires. All she would like is to die and rest forever. 

[iamnotaman]

I'm not currently suicidal.

I need to actually put that somewhere. Today, I don't want to die. I don't particularly care about living, but I don't actively want to die. I've been having a bad bout of ideation, wanting to at the very least go to sleep and not wake up even on good days, but today's a better day.

As long as I don't think about it too hard. So I'll stop there. Just stop thinking.

Now, how do I do that without dissociation setting in?

Ah, good days.

[soft-cookie-aka-aquadrop]

Did that just happen? Did that really just happen to me? 😥

While I was pondering how dissatisfied I am with society, pop culture, and my place in the world, and going over every historical event in my life that I would change if I could have, I thought about how much I’d like to jump ship to that hypothetical better timeline, and then, for about two seconds… I felt it. 😨

The desire to die. It was only two seconds, but during those two seconds I felt tired of being alive. At least, tired of being alive here. It’s not that I want to stop living, it’s that I want to stop living here, in this reality.

Unfortunately, the only known way to leave this reality is to die, and even then, there’s no guarantee that I’d get to go to a different one afterwards. While my fear of the possibility of ceasing to exist after I die is enough to dissuade me from trying to find a way to end my own life, the fact that I wanted to do so for any amount of time, even for just two seconds, scares me. 😰

[hell-is-a-teenage-girls-mind]

VENT

TW: MENTION OF ED, SUICIDAL THOUGHT

God, why does everyone have to tease me constantly? I hardly ever have a conversation with my Grandma or Dad that doesn't end with them laughing at me because they were teasing me and I got upset. I've told them I don't like this, but they don't care because it's so fucking hilarious. And, so many jokes are about my eating habits, when they both know that I hardly eat, and instead of taking a hint and realizing that maybe something is wrong, they just tell me I eat a ton because I tend to binge a bit at dinner. God, I hate this, and as a goddamn cherry on top I have been having terrible suicidal thoughts lately, so I'm just trying to stay alive, and I have no one to talk to about this.

I'm so alone, and I just want this to end. I wish I could move out when I turn eighteen soon, but that would be a really stupid financial move, I just wish that for once my feelings were taken seriously and not laughed at or told that I'm overreacting.

[supedewoop]

When I was in middle school, I was suicidal. My dad took me to the er a couple times, but it felt more like a threat, especially when I got to the er and they were all like, “why are you here?” The final time, I saw a social worker, and she basically said something to me, like, “you know, you don’t have to listen to your father. His words are just words. When you’re older, you don’t even need to talk to him. His job is to see that you get to that point, but you don’t owe him anything, despite what he tells you.”

A week or so after what would be the final time (which was either number two or number 3), my dad said to me, when I wasn’t expressing suicidal thoughts, just being an emotional tween, “insurance isn’t going to cover your last trip to the er, so next time, I’m just gonna let you do it.” It wasn’t that verbatim, but, I know I wasn’t expressing suicidal words, because I do distinctly remember he said, “next time,” not, “now”.

Obviously, those words stayed with me, and a week or two later, I told my mom that I was awful, and I can prove it because of insurance not covering me and me being such a hassle to dad, and I knew we were tight on money. My mom’s response was, something like, “well, your dad shouldn’t have told you about the insurance thing, but anyway, they are covering it now.”

30 years later, and obviously, lots of depression episodes later, my dad was reminiscing about how he had guns before he had kids, but mom made him give them up. I expressed that was probably hard for him to give a hobby. I was glad there wasn’t guns around the house though, because I think having access to them would have been really dangerous. He said, “no, actually, I think that’s why I should have kept them.” I said, “I’m sorry, you missed that hobby, although there were still options to go to shooting ranges and whatnot, but if I has access to a gun, I would have used one.” Please know, that most of my suicidal ideation comes from feeling like I cause harm to those around me simply by existing. He said, “yes, that’s what I meant too, I should have kept some.” I, idiotically, clarified one more time, “I would definitely have used one to kill myself if I had easy access to guns.” He said, “yes, I just wonder if we would be better off.” That was 5 years ago or so, and I literally do not remember what happened next. I think I just stopped talking to him? We were at a restaurant.

I’m very low contact with my parents, and have slowly decreased it ever since. They have ever-failing health, (my mom’s situation is more complicated, her health issues were part of the circumstances that led to my middle school years being so difficult and they have existed since then) and a lot of people who know both of us definitely think I’m the bad guy, though there’s a fair number who probably suspect I have good reasons. It helps that I live in a different country, but honestly, living in a different country was the easiest way for my mental health to be able to go lower contact and be able to reduce it as much as I have.

My dad’s big thing was always that I was in control of myself, even my response to other people (his shitty behavior), yet, when I have said, “I don’t have an interest in speaking to you much because you can’t seem to control yourself in saying hurtful things,” he doesn’t seem to get it, even when it is direct response to him saying something hurtful and I end the conversation immediately after saying that.

I got diagnosed with ADHD when I was 27. Back when I was a kid, I was bad at school and literally did not voluntarily do my homework unprompted before I was like 14. Mom told me to tell my sister to help me, and she wouldn't because parenting me wasn't her job, and mom just figured that if my sister isn't going to do it, then nobody's going to. She just accepted that she has one kid who wants to do well at school, and one who doesn't.

I remember one time as an adult, I was talking with my mom, and told her that I sometimes wish she would have at least tried to push me into doing better at school, at least enough to notice that it's not normal that an 8-year-old would have to be dragged into doing homework kicking and screaming (sometimes literally), and maybe I would have been tested for it like 15 years earlier and I wouldn't have struggled with an undiagnosed brain issue my entire adult life until I understood I can't study even the things I want to do, and sought help on my own.

Mom just shrugged and said she's never seen the point of pushing children to do things they don't want, kids will turn out the way they want to turn out no matter what you do. I needed to make sure I understood her right, and asked her if she's really saying that she sees no point in even trying to raise children, because they'll raise themselves anyway. She nodded, satisfied that I had understood the core of her wisdom.

I didn't cut my family out of my life because of the way my childhood was, but how they treated me as an adult. The exact details of the prompting incident itself that was the final straw are irrelevant, but my mother was shocked and baffled of why I would do that. She didn't raise me to be someone who would just cut ties like that over insults that go unaknowledged and unapologised.

But I sure did.

[useless-but-not-really]

I don't deserve to feel this way. My life was fucking perfect. I was going to college, I was enjoying it. Two bad weeks ruined everything, I've failed my first semester. I lost my job.

I've moved back home fully. My parents are so fucking disappointed in me. They have every right to be. I know I'm not trying hard enough. But it's exhausting to even do the things I like now. I'm just... forcing my way through living right now. I don't know what to do. My parents are stressed enough, I'm already putting enough burden on them.

I just... I don't want to be here. Exist. Be alive. I just don't. I don't know what there is for me anymore. I'm basically just living to keep the people around me happy. I could careless if I just stopped existing. Living. I've been thinking that way for a few months now. It's just getting worse. I constantly think that when I'm driving, it would just be easier if I got into a fatal car crash and died. Wouldn't it? Wouldn't it? Everything would finally stop.

But that would just be for me. I'm selfish enough. I can't let them lose another child, no matter how bad I hurt inside.

[the-silver-chronicles]

Watched Fionna And Cake and then remembered Simon and Betty’s story from Adventure Time. Cried. Got a new tragic star-crossed lovers and angst + moving on/coping scenario AU story idea(s) for Silva and Faith/Rachel. Cried harder. Listened to Mitski’s My Love Mine All Mine. Drowned in a river of my own making.

Alright, I must mention, Scenario A is pretty soft compared to Scenario B. You can just read Scenario A and are not obligated to read Scenario B (because I will eventually write out both). I say this because Scenario B has trigger warnings for dark and mature and heavy topics like toxic relationships, unhealthy thought processes like low self-esteem and self-loathing, mental health disorders like depression, and very heavily implied ideation of suicide. Do not read Scenario B if you cannot stomach it. Scenario A is all good though. Just general FC5 + my regular bullshit.

This probably going to be a three parter. So here’s part one, the one I like to call: “The Backstory”.

Now, there’s two ways this could go (since Faith’s/Rachel’s character is interpreted in many different shapes and form).

Now we could go down the softer path (aka Scenario A), and go with the interpretation that Rachel was an impressionable teen caught in a very bad situation with no way out but to keep going forward and being addicted to Bliss. More-or-less like a victim of the cult who has to live up to Joseph’s (the fact I naturally misspelled that as Hoseph makes me laugh out of the unbelievability of it) standards to survive.

Now with this interpretation, the story goes like this. Silva and Rachel met earlier than they did in the main story. Let’s say that Rachel and Tracey entered Hope County and met Silva, and they are looking for a place to stay and actually get better. She gives them a job at Elsa’s Floristry. She and Rachel eventually become girlfriends (haven’t specified how yet). Silva also has a hobby of researching strange histories surrounding cryptic gods or whatever (this is important!) which she blubbers to both women about sometimes. Silva did her damndest to help Rachel overcome her addiction. At this point, let’s say Silva has lost pretty much everyone (both the community + Persephone this time on the Archipelagos and Elsa in Hope County), and now has fallen in love (again) but with this troubled young woman, and to her, this is her last chance to prove that she can do good and be a loving individual, unlike what Adam had told her. Now she devotes her everything to Rachel, and Rachel’s love and safety and happiness is all that truly matters to Silva in this world. Making small sacrifices for Rachel (much like Betty). Then they encounter Eden’s Gate (maybe John), and while Silva and Tracey are hesitant to interact with the cult, Rachel manages to win Silva over going to one sermon and gathering which brings Tracey along with them. Eventually Rachel meets the Father himself, Joseph Seed, and he wants her to be his next Faith, so he’s convinced her to stay in Eden’s Gate. Now details are muddy here, but Tracey warns Silva of the cults true nature and the fates of the Faiths and figure out Rachel’s next. When trying to warn Rachel, she manages to downplay the accusations, thinking Joseph can help her (as well as being in the right) and that nothing is wrong. Tracey, of course, thinks it to be a lost cause convincing Rachel, but Silva is conflicted. She doesn’t good vibes about Eden’s Gate but her girlfriend is saying everything is fine and that she can find help there. She doesn’t want to be anywhere near the cult or Joseph but she can’t leave her only purpose left in life. So Silva, to Tracey’s utter surprise, chooses to stay with Rachel, (and if she has the knowledge that Rachel is going to be Faith, then Silva will still stay, even if the Faith role meant Rachel couldn’t do certain things (like sex or have romantic relationships), Silva would go celibate or even just a friend/priestess/follower, if it meant she could just be with Rachel). She’s convinced to give her (reminder: dead) sister’s floristry to Eden’s Gate to join, and Joseph takes Rachel away for detox. Silva can’t join in and has to be assured by Rachel that everything will be okay…

Everything does not go okay. While separated from Rachel and trying to integrate with Eden’s Gate, she is abruptly kicked out of the cult by Joseph (a rather shocking order from the Voice that shocked even Joseph, with the only reasoning by the New God being “she’s too early”), leaving Silva pretty much blacklisted from all cult properties and Rachel only with Joseph (+ his brothers who don’t care that much about her). Reeling from the fact the cult just stole her girlfriend and her late-sister’s floristry, she has a breakdown, knowing she cannot do anything forward to the cult without assuming Rachel won’t be hurt in the process, and heads home to stable herself. Months later, she meets Rachel, but as Faith, if not more addicted and out of it to Bliss (which she made and was used against her in this scenario at least), and no familiarity or memory of Silva (like Simon/Ice King). The Bliss also acts as an eldritch entity in this, using Faith/Rachel for its own deeds. Silva, distraught, heads home to come up with a game plan. At first she wants to take Eden’s Gate head on, but realises it has too much influence and people are beginning to think Rachel as a villain (+ plus making any kind of move against the cult could lead to Rachel being hurt, either in the process or in retaliation against Silva’s resistance). Feeling so lost, that’s when the Voice decides to chime in (because it’s an asshole). Tells her that “there’s an easier and quicker and more subtle and safer way to do this that even Joseph “fraud ass” won’t expect it” and Silva goes “and what would that be God?” And the Voice replies “Go meet my boss, I mean, the Goddess of Disruption, Jannah (much like GOLB), who had a human from your Tumultite history named after her, who can kill the Bliss and take down Eden’s Gate like it was just a normal and definitely unsupernatural event”. Silva isn’t sure what to believe but goes ahead with it because if it means Faith/Rachel is unharmed then she’ll take it (even if it sounds fake) and also she’s done some study on Jannah so she knows what to minimally expect. The at first terrible but hilarious in hindsight part (which you will find out why it’s funny in the next post) of this is the fact the Voice only intends for her to go on a wild goose chase as it prepares Joseph for New Eden (and torment). Also you know how the Voice said this method of saving Faith/Rachel was quick, easy, and safe? Well, there’s the ironic twist… the method is exactly that. Takes three weeks at most. The preparations and time span to get the necessary tools required though? Takes like almost a decade to put together.

What does this plan to meet Jannah require? Well simple, listed below.

- Two devices capable of breaking space-time-reality and teleporting her to Jannah’s domain (one acting as a vehicle to enter the domain and the other as an anchor to get Silva back).

- An important space-time-reality event (aka The Collapse).

- A high-potency of the Third Eye (to spiritually/mentally(?) interact with and control Jannah).

- A medically comatosed magician to be used as a mental battery and emotional stabiliser (to share the energy and intent Silva needs to transfer into Jannah to trick the goddess into doing what she wants).

- An amulet whose crystal was made from a magical meteorite (or a shooting star that people make wishes from), which original function was to make wishes (like the Ice King’s crown) but changed and adapted throughout history and instead acts as a telepathic tool of some kind/canters the Third Eye (to be used to interact and control Jannah).

And some other things. What she needs to do with all of that list of things is break the First Seal of the Collapse (the arrest), skip Seals 2 to 4 (deaths of John, Jacob and Faith) and have a stalemate at Seal 5 and then 6 (death of the family or in this case more Eden’s Gate members + Resisting Joseph), and during that, destabilising space-time-reality by teleporting in the vehicle and anchor devices around Hope County seven times to both a) power up the machines to get to Jannah, and b) trick the Multiverse into thinking the Collapse is about to happen after thinking Seals 2-6 have already been opened and “mistakingly” (since Silva is intentionally doing it) sending Silva to Jannah’s domain, and having a few minutes opportunity while the Multiverse is confused to mind control Jannah into retconning the seventh seal from “drop three bombs” into “defeat Eden’s Gate, kill the Bliss and save Faith/Rachel, happy ever after”. Not even the Voice would expect it (because it genuinely doesn’t expect it).

She’ll get help from the unlikeliest of individuals of course, not just alone (likes of which includes canon characters like Tweak, Zip and especially Larry, or OCs like the supernatural Priestess Lillith and the Tarot Card Holder), and I’ll talk more of how Silva’s plot in Scenario A goes in the next part (spoilers, things go right and then wrong).

End Scenario A here (don’t read further below if you cannot stomach Scenario B) and part two of this three parter will be “Silva’s Plot”, taking place in the events of FC5 and how things go so wrong.

Okay that’s soft Scenario A. Here is rough and tough and dark and uncomfortable Scenario B!

You know, the interpretation where Rachel/Faith is perfectly fine to be the drug herald who took the “Faith” title as a badge of honour, entirely loyal to Joseph and willingly joined him (though acknowledgement must be made that he did kind of groom her into the “Faith” role as he is a paternal adult figure that influenced her choices… doesn’t change the fact she is killing people here and in canon though) and very confident that she’s not in danger of replacement (despite John and Jacob thinking otherwise), immune to her own product, and knows what she’s doing but believing (albeit misguidedly) that she (and Joseph) are in the right while indulging in a bit of sadism and violence and spite like her brothers. Not entirely innocent now, and the question of whether or not she was a true friend to Tracey being up for debate. Though the drug addict and family abuse and ostracisation is still true I will die on this hill.

Alright… TRIGGER WARNING! From here on out, there will be mentions of: heavily implied suicidal ideation (if this is too much for you, please refresh or stop reading), (fairly certain) either a toxic or just unhealthy heavily one-sided romantic relationship (kind of? Like there’s love but it’s not appreciated that much and almost expected but also thought of as disposable so yeah? It’s not great, or good and definitely needs counselling badly so let’s go with that), blatant gaslighting and manipulation, minor discussion of depression and self-loathing and other things. I’m thinking of labelling it “Dead Dove: Do Not Eat”.

Okay, Scenario B, is different. Silva meeting Rachel and Tracey, getting both a job but also falling in love and getting in a relationship with the former? Still the same. Silva devoting her all into it? Still the same. Silva and Tracey helping Rachel with detoxing. Still the same. Only difference is that Rachel is using the relationship for her own gain. The attention, the adoration, the help, the good times. Feeding off it but not really appreciating it. Then we meet Joseph and Eden’s Gate. Joseph takes a shine to Rachel and she likes the detox help and desires and power he offers. Uses her relationship with Silva to get Joseph the floristry and Silva’s involvement in the cult. Rachel becomes Faith, Tracey angrily peaces out, and Silva is willing to stay no matter what. Only for Joseph to kick her out. The big difference here though? Faith also reinforces Joseph’s word, telling Silva straight to her face that “she doesn’t need Silva anymore”, completely shattering Silva’s heart. And Silva does not take it well. You know how I said Silva was invested in the relationship to the point it was her only and final purpose? I was not kidding. Every one she’s ever loved to her knowledge is completely dead from circumstances out of her control (the massacre, Elsa’s accident, Persephone’s terminal illness, etc). In her mind, she has failed as a daughter, sister, lover, friend, mother and a functional human being in general. Now, to herself, she’s failed the lover and protector role… again. This is twice for those two. She is just lost and in despair, wishing for the small things in life, for the important needs, like her community, her neighbours, like her adoptive padre’s love, her sister’s companionship, her unconditional and undying love towards her daughter Persephone. Hell, even the romance with Irene and Rachel. She craves and wants all of it, and believes she just can’t do it right (and the fact the second prophet of God she’s met in her life believes her to be unworthy of joining only makes her self-esteem worse). She’s sick and tired of pain after suffering after failure and just wants to cease. Be in an eternal state of love and happiness in a world that accepts her. She’s depressed and in a state of self-loathing. And she can’t escape. So what happens?

The Voice (yeah, that dick) comes along and goes “hey, here’s an idea, find Jannah and have your world while vanishing in this one”. Silva asks “why would I do something as insane and nonsensical as that?” And the Voice says the worse thing ever “because it would be better if you just ceased in this world.” Yeah, he went that low. So Silva decides to go on a literal mission to privately do that, following the instructions in Scenario A, as not to (what she believes she’s doing) negatively interfere in everybody else’s life, especially Rachel’s/Faith’s. I must remind everyone: This is a very sad tale, with a lot of bitter and bleakness and very minimal sweetness in it at first (unlike Scenario A which is just bittersweet through and through).

That’s “The Backstory” for both done. I’ll be writing out part 2 “Silva’s Plot” in some time.

Bye yo!

[k0rew3ntst0d1e]

That but my older brother, he's truly my best friend and with all the mental issues we have in the family we all struggle so much...

I don't think he could afford to lose me without joining me soon after...