#trigger warning internalised transphobia

[shreksflamingknob69]

Thursday, 20th December 2022

thoughts about my gender today:

it’s gotten to the point where i watch romantic gay porn to imagine myself being one of those two men.

the knowledge that i have breasts makes me want to cry and every time someone addresses me as ‘miss [last name]’ it feels like a punch into my guts.

but i don’t have to accept that i might be a trans man if i just keep shoving it down and tell myself i can at least wait until my mum dies one day because the thought of my mother, who is my only family, dying is easier to stomach than the thought of having to come out as transmasc (which i’m not. i’m not i’m not i’m not)

so i’ll just keep reading trans!dean x trans!benny lafitte fics and writing trans!chandler bing x unlabelled!joey tribbiani and watching brokeback mountain.

and i’ll keep shoving it down. because maybe it’ll go away. maybe, if i just wait long enough, if i just hate myself enough, if i just hurt myself enough, this is going to go away.

[papakhan]

Lol why would someone even say that. Like... idk im transmasc im personally mortified of the idea of getting pregnant but... its none of my business if another man wants to be pregnant why would there be any judgement there 😭😭😭 plus the post was very funny people need to stop projecting over a sillay little post. Have a good night king the haters dont get it

the thing is I totally understand trans guys being uncomfortable with the concept of (trans) men getting pregnant. In our society its a very gendered concept, it gets fetishised by weirdos online all the time and to a lot of (especially queer) afab people its strongly associated with control and abuse. I totally get it. That was me not so long ago but after a lot of research I became more comfortable with it because I want to have children one day. I shouldn't have to expose this part of myself as a defence against people calling me transphobic when I am literally trans and half the fight for trans people is "my body my choice"

what gets me is that the tumblr fallout community gets in this fucking argument allll the fucking time over whether the fallout universe should be "dark and gritty and ~realistic~" in regards to Everyone being transphobic Or if the wasteland should be some kind of trans haven without the binds of society. I personally lean on the latter and get a lot of comfort out of the idea that the Great Khans specifically are a bastion of trans joy and experience and to them women having dicks and men giving birth is just. normal.

the end goal for trans people should be to de-gender concepts like pregnancy and penis but we're never gonna fucking get anywhere if trans people project their dysphoria onto each other and start self-flagellating themselves whenever someone steps out of line or makes a stupid joke.

And yeah this is an overreaction to someone critising a stupid post of mine but I'm more mad at the wider culture of the fallout community (and tumblr) regarding this topic because like I said shit like this keeps happening. part of my job is about educating people about trans bodies and saying shit like "don't assume who can and can't get pregnant" and trying to help fellow trans people find comfort in a country that's actively trying to get them all murdered. To then log onto tumblr dot com and get called transphobic because I said I love headcanoning Papa as trans and him being able to deflect the Legion's misogyny because of his transness is like a slap to the face. you guys are meant to be the transgender love website what the fuck are you talking about?? Also Saying that I'm enabling transphobia by allowing people who arent trans men to reblog my post is also stupid and for the record most people in my notes right now are either trans people who are genuinely agreeing that Papa is trans or ghost fans who think I'm talking about their band (but are still trans and still agreeing).

sure maybe I should have put a trigger warning on the post or something because it might trigger someone's dyphoria, but just say that. Don't act like I'm the problem and that I'm too stupid to recognise internalised transphobia and calling me "too comfortable with joking about trans bodies" when 1. I wasn't joking About trans bodies and 2. ITS MY FUCKING BODY

My joke was about how Caesar cant handle Papa being trans. it was a joke about how society cant handle trans people who they can't clock. it was also a joke about how Papa comes from a society where transness is so normalised that he wrongfully assumes that its something everyone can do. At no point was I "nasty about trans bodies" like this person claims I was. In fact I think that pretending that I was says more about how they view trans bodies than it does about how I do, That I can mention trans pregnancy and they automatically assume I'm fetishing or being disrespectful.

anyway. that's a lot of shit. thanks for letting me ramble and tucking me into bed so sweetly <3

[deathlooksgoodonyou-if]

Hi, Hope you're doing great!

So let me say that any story with a high potential of gay angst is an instant favorite i. My book ( i might just be projecting a tad too much..)

That's why Jules really intrigues me, a small part of me kinda wish there's a happy ending to be found in their route (pls let them be secretly alive, or at least real enough in mc's mind)

So since you seemed to list homophobia in the trigger warning, i wander how much is it gonna play in the story? I know its a heavy topic and shoild be handled with caution but i feel like there has yet to be any IFs that brings it to focus you know, most just kinda glazes over it, which us honestly underdtandable. So, it makes me think that for F!Jules her dating Dylan might also be a way to avoid her queerness? Like its a comphet situation and it just bring the angst in. Though i guess this won't work for M!Jules since he dated Dylan, but i guess ut can bring gay angst for MC as in "Oh, so he DOES like guys, just not me specifically :(" kinda way???

Gaah honestly i just love the ideas that you bring?? That'll be all! Thanks soo much for listening (reading?) To my rambling!!

That's why Jules really intrigues me, a small part of me kinda wish there's a happy ending to be found in their route (pls let them be secretly alive, or at least real enough in mc's mind)

Sadly that is never happening ahaha. Part of mc's character arc is learning to let go of Jules, understanding their grief and moving on.

So since you seemed to list homophobia in the trigger warning, i wander how much is it gonna play in the story?

The mc won't be facing judgement from other people in the present timeline for being who they are but when the mc's backstory is revealed, it will heavily influence the mc's inner monologue depending on the way mc chooses to react to the homophobia/transphobia they are subjected to by their mother. I will soon be adding internalised homophobia/transphobia to the trigger warning as well. I am currently thinking of way these scenes can be avoided by people but I am not sure if that will be possible because they are somewhat important in shaping the mc. These struggles are what give the mc more character depth. So, we'll have to see.

I know its a heavy topic and shoild be handled with caution but i feel like there has yet to be any IFs that brings it to focus you know, most just kinda glazes over it, which us honestly underdtandable.

It is a sensitive topic. Which is exactly why I want it discussed in my IF. I don't like writing my characters as gay, lesbian etc. etc. just for the "inclusivity and representation." (Not talking about IFs but media in general.)

So, it makes me think that for F!Jules her dating Dylan might also be a way to avoid her queerness?

In ways, yes. The mc on this path can choose to be like "Oh. Of course. I should have known. Pretty girls always go for the pretty boys. Why would she ever look my way?" Or You can go on wishing you were born a man.

Though i guess this won't work for M!Jules since he dated Dylan, but i guess ut can bring gay angst for MC as in "Oh, so he DOES like guys, just not me specifically :(" kinda way???

You got that one right, anon.

Gaah honestly i just love the ideas that you bring?? That'll be all! Thanks soo much for listening (reading?) To my rambling!!

Thank you, anon. <3 and please ramble to me all you want. Its a sign that people are invested.

[hugtheangel]

Okay, so I feel like I should make a little introductory post in case someone stumbles upon this blog !

You can call me Clover I guess, I use he/him pronouns exclusively! I’m 17 years old.

This is kind of a personal little blog where I reblog vent-ish stuff and occasional poetry. I write my own posts, sometimes, just to get some things out of my head. I use the tag #mine for that, obviously.

I’m neurodivergent, I have chronic depression and anxiety, and also I think I experience maladaptive daydreaming but I’m not sure. I’m also trans and kind of trying to overcome my internalised transphobia :(

I’m obsessed with my maldd husband and I mostly post about him at this point sorry. I’m trying to turn this into something healthy but it’s a struggle

Trigger warnings for possible mentions of s/h, su*c*de, death, war, abuse, bullying, substance use, all sorts of things.

Please ignore this blog! I do my best to check everyone’s DNI before interacting, but I can fuck up sometimes. If you’re not comfortable with vent blogs interacting, feel free to block me! And sorry for bothering you!

Have a nice day!!!!! <3