#trigger warning attempted suicide

[kagomerei]

This chapter has an added Trigger Warning of Attempted Suicide

Fandoms: Once Upon a Time (TV)

Rating: Teen

Warnings: None

Categories: F/F, F/M, Gen

Characters: Ariel (Once Upon a Time)Captain Hook | Killian Jones| Thumbelina, Cornelius/Cornelia | Emma Swan, Baelfire | Neal Cassidy| Henry Mills (Once Upon a Time)Evil Queen | Regina Mills | Blue Fairy | Mother Superior

Relationships:  Baelfire | Neal Cassidy/Emma Swan, Prince Charming | David Nolan/Snow White | Mary Margaret Blanchard, Ariel/Captain Hook | Killian Jones, Cornelius/Thumbelina (Thumbelina 1994) OC/OC, Evil Queen | Regina Mills/Robin Hood, Belle/Rumplestiltskin | Mr. Gold

Additional Tags:  AU, We are playing with fire here, Canon What Canon

[neshatriumphs]

Aight. Short lil' sweet, sad, whatever update and shit. Trigger warnings for mental illness fuckery and pills, etc.

The other day, for the first time since 2008 or so, your favorite bitch tried to self terminate. I don't wanna get too graphic but many pills and several pillows were used until I was placed in restraints by somebody hopped up on drugs.

I cried a lot, got sick, flooded with exhaustion and anxiety, went to work, and came home to the openings of a manic phase.

I am in said manic phase this moment. I have been doing housework for over 12 hours and rest nor sleep are on the horizon. I have had some tough conversations, but cannot contact some people, because they will try to send me to a facility.

Also. My rent was almost failed because of my roommate. I am not interested in ending my life, though I am still interested in my life ending.

I simply needed to get it off of my chest. I've been suffering in silence for months, but the past few days were the hardest it's been in years.

If you're still reading, I am both sorry and appreciative.

[vinestaffery]

Hey guys, I am so sorry for all the angst. As for a gift, I've decided to give you all some sort of comfort scenario. I've also lately been on a very bad writer's block, so I apologize for no posts. School is back, and I am not doing well, but I decided to let my heart out through writing comfort scenarios.

Make sure to take care of yourselves and to always look out for your immediate needs. You are special, you are loved, and you are adored in this world. Even though it may not feel like there is never going to be an end to a certain pain of suffering, it will get better in the long run. You are deserving of all the love in the world; you are cherished gracefully and gently by the wind and nature. Never let yourself down. <3

Some of these scenarios may not have had written paragraphs, but I probably explained them well enough in their bullet points!!!!

CW/TW: briefly mentions of abuse/attempted kidnapping, self-harm, attempted suicide, and harrassment. These topics aren't described perfectly or explicit, but are mentioned within the scenarios. If these trigger you, please avoid this post at all costs. Thank you.

B. ZUKA.

He knew not to trust you at night alone, weary that you could've gotten lost or hurt somewhere.

People in Cross Roads can be dangerous, as the mixture of different factions all combine together there, right in the center.

When you came home late, he wanted to discuss where you were.

"Where were you all night? I was worried and concerned."

He looked serious, and it frightened you.

"I was just out with some friends."

He didn't take it too kindly that you were ignorant and gave him the cold shoulder.

Even avoiding eye contact.

He knew something was up, and he was going to get to the bottom of it.

He investigated your arms, especially the one you held onto with your spare hand.

Bruises that were scattered across your forearm

God, the fury he felt when he found out you had been harmed at night made him even more angry.

Not just angry at the prepatrator, but not even being there to help you.

To support you

What good of a boyfriend is he if he can't even protect you alone?

"Who did this?" You couldn't breathe.

"It was no one, Zuka, I promise you."

"No, who did this?" There it was.

The full-blown worry and anger that he would relish in if he found out who did it.

You listed the appearance of the demon that had tried luring you into an alleyway.

Lucky enough to escape with a few bruises, you had gotten home.

Home to where now, your boyfriend cradles you in his arms.

He treated your wounds, making sure they didn't hurt as much as they did before.

"I'm sorry for not being there." Hearing him so defeated, it was too much.

You could feel the brink of tears escaping your eyes.

"Who did this to you?" Zuka threatened. You hesitated, not wanting to burden him with your worries. But his protective nature was evident in the way he held you tighter, waiting for an answer that you weren't ready to give. The fear of retaliation from the demon kept you silent, knowing that revealing the truth could only lead to more danger.

"I... I don't know; look, it's nothing." You tried to avoid the topic. The thoughts and feelings of their hand on the direct spot were bruised; it was too much to handle. Zuka's gaze softened as he wiped away your tears, his concern evident in his eyes. "You don't have to face this alone," he reassured you, his voice filled with determination to protect you from whatever was causing you pain.

"Can I please see what they did? So I can treat it." Zuka asked, permission was key in times like these and was definitely needed. Your mindset was scattered everywhere, untidied wires trying to connect comforting topics and memories. It struggled to block out the demon moments ago. Zuka's A gentle touch on your shoulder brought you back to the present moment, his calming presence giving you a sense of security. "I trust you," you whispered, allowing him to inspect the bruise and provide the care you needed. He nodded, taking your arm into his gentle palms. They were calloused and rough, but they brought back the feeling of love and home. A place you were fond of, set in your destined memories. Zuka's Touch was a reminder of the unwavering support he always provided, a beacon of light in your darkest moments. As he began to tend to your bruise, you felt a wave of gratitude wash over you, knowing that you were not alone in facing your demons.

"There, it should be able to not hurt as much, but still be careful." Zuka muttered, his hands laying on your elbows before pulling you into a hug. He kissed the top of your forehead, swaying slowly left and right. In that moment, you realized how lucky you were to have someone like Zuka in your life. His presence brought a sense of comfort and reassurance that everything would be okay in the end. With a deep breath, you closed your eyes and allowed yourself to fully embrace the warmth of his embrace.

DOM.

You understood that popularity wasn't your thing.

So did Dom.

But when it came to paparazzi, it was horrible.

Every day, you had to live with trying to cover yourself from photographers and fangirls that would pretrude on your residence.

Sometimes, I even have to deal with harassment every morning because of it.

It overwhelmed you a lot, especially when you just wanted to be with your partner.

You'd have to watch Paparazzi get scared off by Firebrand.

But one night, you had a weird text come through.

Some anonymous fangirl who had threatened the lives of you and Dom's

It was terrifying and heartbreaking to see such threats made against you for just having Dom as a partner.

Of course, you didn't want to bring it up.

Why bring up something that you can totally deal with yourself?

Oh, how you were wrong.

Days on end, you were getting texts and calls.

It made you unbearably grouchy, and Dom could tell.

When it started to get mentally twisty, your arms became a stress reliever for you.

That's when Dom had to step in after finding you in your bed, completely drained.

The phone is going off constantly.

"My Eminence, what seems to be the matter? You've been locked in your room for days."

All you could do was croak and fall to tears.

"I can't do this anymore, Dom, the calls, the messages!—"

He was shocked when he heard your phone go off again—another call.

When you went to pick it up, Dom grabbed it first before you.

A snarky, swearing demon screamed on the other side.

Death-threats and others, it was revolting to hear.

"Who is this? You best own yourself up, you freak. Harassing my girlfriend? I'll have you burnt to a crisp," and boy, that shut them up real good.

You were shaky, taking deep breaths to calm yourself down as Dom hung up and placed the phone flat on its screen.

His eyes seemed to go from rage to soft care and worry.

"My Eminence, my Universe, why didn't you tell me about this?"

You fell into his caring arms once more.

Maybe, just maybe, if you weren't afraid of speaking up, this would've ended.

The thoughts grew stronger, and he could tell.

"My Universe, Eminence, don't let thoughts that may fill your mind with unneeded water fill your mind; it was not your fault; it's okay to be afraid if you can't speak up about that stuff."

You only let out a shaky breath, a sniffle, and a sob.

"I was so afraid you'd hate me that you'd call me horrible things."

His heart broke, and you couldn't trust him at all.

"Oh, my star's goddess, I'd never hate you; I'm worried sick! Please, never ever let yourself be afraid to inform me of such poverty."

You only let out a smile and a confirming nod, which he took in as an answer.

"How about we go to your favorite store, hm? The one you love dragging me to."

SCYTHE.

Days were growing overwhelming by the second.

When you decided to move to Lost Temple as one to join Scythe, you didn't expect it to be so hard unboxing everything and walking down the streets in opposite attire.

Lost Temple and Thieves Den had entirely different aesthetics, especially for you.

Scythe knew how hard it is to change factions, especially with how they are looked down upon.

"Angel Eyes, is that you?"

You had only been ridiculed a few hours before Scythe's return home from work.

Sobbing endlessly, it never seemed to stop.

"Angel Eyes?"

Her voice was more worried as she soon began to kick down the door.

You had forgotten to get her a spare key, but mostly because of the stuff going on.

They had been rejecting all offers to you, overpricing food access, etc.

It was overwhelming.

You were subjected to such measures of torment for even being there.

"Darling! I'm coming' in on a one, two."

You unlocked the door, letting out a loud click! The door is slowly sliding open.

"Aah, my dear. What's got 'ya lockin' the door so early?"

"Just some things, safety, and all that."

Scythe knew you were wrong, as for the look in your eyes.

"Angel Eyes, I know what's up; how's about you letting me in?"

You nodded, letting her in as you watched her march on in and grab onto you.

She dragged you onto her lap as she spread her legs across the couch, laying her mechanical weapon down on the side.

Her hands lay on your hands and thighs, staring up at you.

She could see the tears that twinkled ever so neatly.

"Ya' been cryin'; what's the matter?"

"Just... some things happen, Scythe."

"Just some things, ay?"

You nodded, but she knew much more than you did.

Her eyes stared gently into yours, a gloved hand reaching to lay neatly on your cheek. Scythe sighed. "Sugar, You know you can always talk to me, right?" She whispered softly, her voice filled with genuine concern. You knew you were afraid to open up, but you did so anyway. You were hesitant.

"Some of the people in this town don't like me at all. "You really don't like me at all." Scythe's expression softened as she listened, her hand gently rubbing your cheek in a comforting gesture. "I'm sorry to hear that, sugar. But don't you worry, I've got your back," she reassured you with a warm smile. You felt a wave of relief wash over you, grateful for her unwavering support in the face of adversity.

"You're a good person, and that's all that matters," Scythe added, her eyes filled with understanding. With her by your side, you felt a newfound sense of courage to face the challenges ahead. "I know, I'm just... afraid? What if something happens to me?" Scythe's eyes darkened as she nodded. Something could happen to you if you weren't careful or someone took your presence wrongly.

"Stay vigilant and trust your instincts," she advised, her voice firm yet comforting. With Scythe's guidance, you knew you had a strong ally to help navigate the uncertainties that lay ahead. "And the broker is always a call away." Broker was a close friend of yours, so you knew what to do if Scythe wasn't around to support you.

"You got me, sugar?" Scythe asked, fingers holding onto your chin as you stared and nodded. "Yes, Scythe." She let out a smile. "That's my good, angel."

SUBSPACE.

THE GREATEST INVENTOR OF ALL OF BLACKROCK!! And he's YOUR partner!

If that didn't risk you getting strange looks from others and such an overwhelming reputation in Blackrock,.

Subspace was always busy, sometimes never having as much time as you two used to as kids.

After Medkit's whole fasco, he's been going insane over the crystals while you watched you two lose time with each other.

You thought maybe, just maybe, Subspace would slowly forget about your own existence.

But you couldn't let those thoughts trick you! He'd never do so!!!!

That's if they weren't 'true' from the start of the gossip train.

"Did you hear? Subspace was out with another demon!"

"Isn't he supposedly with someone already?"

It was heartbreaking to find out that your own partner had decided to spend time with someone entirely different, and even much longer than ever.

"I heard it was a date!"

"I feel bad for his actual partner; that's so sad."

Then, the mean comments started riding in about you.

Rumors.

Endless, endless rumors.

It was getting so much that you ended up attempting that very night.

Yours and Subspace's anniversary.

"MY PRECIOUS TREASURE!! I'M HOME!"

You sat in the bathtub, the pill bottle clear of any, as you slowly dunked your head.

"Precious? Where are you? I must tell you about my new biograft invention!!!"

Only a few more seconds, as the voice of his became nothing but a fine line of void.

The blaring light of the hospital ceiling eroded through your vision.

Was this heaven? Valhalla?

"MY PRECIOUS!!"

Subspace? Your partner? What's he doing here?

His arms wrapped around you as he sobbed. How could you do this to him? How could you leave him?

"Never, ever, do that again! You had me scared half to SOFTH!"

You stared at the pink-red demon that had been crying endlessly at you. You could tell by his puffy, red eyes.

"What happened?"

"I found you in the bathtub; I was lucky enough to even get to you in time."

The seriousness in his voice conveyed serious regret as you sobbed and cried.

"I don't deserve this; why'd you take me away? Why aren't you with the other person you met up with in the cafe?"

"ANOTHER PERSON!? What are you talking about, my precious?"

"The RUMORS!! Everyone's been talking about how you were on a date with someone else, cheating on me!!"

Subspace was confused. Is she cheating on you? Oh, he'd have his own creation chop his head off and finish him!

"Cheating!? My precious, my pearl, my gem! What ridiculous rumors you've managed to get ahold of! I'd never cheat on you, never!"

You stared at him.

"Really?"

"REALLY! I was just meeting up with Hyperlaser about my biografts and inventions! Nothing more! I had even purchased you fine, delicate flowers to put in your vase once more."

You were stunned— absolutely stunned. He never cheated on you; it was all a misunderstanding.

"But the proof? The…"

"Whoever was stalking us, my precious, it is not true! I love you with my fullest heart, and I would never replace you with anyone else. You deserve the world, if not the whole universe! I would do anything to make you happy, precious!!"

"Now, please, never pull such stunts again... I love you dearly!!!!"

Maybe, just maybe this wasn't so bad after all.

"Alright..."

"Rest, my gem!! I will be here always, from now on."

And so, you did.

[lbulldesigns]

AITAH FOR GHOSTING MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS FOR THREE YEARS, FOR MY OWN MENTAL HEALTH?

Posted 7th of January, 2024

Disclaimer: mentions of self-harm, violence, and attempted suicide.

Please bear with me. This post will be long.

I (20f) have been estranged from my family for the past three years.

I want to start off by saying that my family aren't bad people. They were never abusive, and they did care for me, but they could never understand me or the full extent of my issues.

Some background. When I was around five, my sister (26f), we'll call her V, and I witnessed our parents' death at the hands of some trigger-happy Enforcers. We don't know why they decided our parents deserved to die, but they did, and we were left orphaned when the authorities couldn't find any other family to take us in.

We bounced around in the system for a while, fearing being torn from each other at any moment, before a family friend was able to foster and then officially adopt us. Our AD (adoptive dad) was a godsend, he was and still (to my knowledge) is the most patient and gentle man I know. Despite looking like a wolf LOL.

Along with gaining a new father we also gained two brothers (twin 23m) the older twin (C) takes after our dad, Kind and patient. The younger twin (M) however is a little nasty bitch, who took upon himself to make my life in particular an ongoing hell. He was never physically abusive, but he was verbally abusive. It felt like not a day would go by when he wasn't putting me down and treating my existence like it was something insignificant. He never had a problem with V, just me.

For the first six years everyone else would defend me, put him in his place, and overall hold him accountable but at some point, they stopped holding him accountable and just expected me to grow a thicker skin. I still remember the day when I went crying to my sister and rather than comfort me, just rolled her eyes and asked if I could maybe not take him seriously because she needed to finish her group project. To her credit, she apologised for that but it was hard to rely on her after that.

Long story short, M made my home life unbearable, and I had bullies at school that made it unbearable. Especially once I was in high school and my best (and only) friend started making friends of his own. I want to say that I was cool with this, but in reality, I turned into an absolute brat and refused to get along with any of them. I wish I didn't, but I just couldn't help but feel betrayed and genuinely acted on those emotions.

And this is how I was with everyone. Constantly betrayed and acting out. It was no wonder everyone I knew got sick of me.

My Dad was constantly worrying about me.

My older brother avoided me as much as possible, to avoid my outbursts.

My sister was just constantly swinging between feeling guilty, angry, and just done with my constant outbursts. Especially when these outbursts were directed at her girlfriend, who constantly talked about how she wanted to be an Enforcer to protect others (take a wild guess why I couldn't like her). V even slapped me for something I said (I can't remember what) to her GF that made her cry.

And my best friend... hates me.

It's my own fault, obviously.

What led to the title of my post is this.

I told my (former) best friend that I loved him and wanted to be with him, and he just raged at me. Apparently, he was seeing someone and thought that I was pulling something in order to break them up. He didn't believe me when I said that I didn't know he was in a relationship (I genuinely didn't know) but he wouldn't hear it and called me an AH and said he was done with me.

I felt humiliated and heartbroken, when I got home that day I was crying and M was the first person, unfortunately, who I came across. And the first thing he does is scoff and roll his eyes, and said "fucking crybaby".

I don't fully remember what happened, I blacked out, but I remember my dad pulling me off of M and his face was a bloody mess. I'm pretty sure that I broke his nose and then some, my dad was so angry. The angriest I've ever seen him; he actually shook me by the shoulders and demanded what was wrong with me. And when I couldn't answer, they told me to get out. Which I did.

I just bolted from the house, the sound of shouting behind me, and just kept running until I got to the Bridge of Progress.

I was just so empty and lost, and the water below looked so tempting. I was about to end it all when my guardian angel showed up.

Ez (21m) was walking by when he saw me about to jump and, without hesitation, climbed up next to me and asked what we were doing.

He saved me that day, without even trying. He listened to my whining and rather than offer me empty promises of "it'll be okay" instead said "girl you messed up. Wanna go on an adventure with me?"

We've been friends ever since.

I took him on his offer and went home to collect some things, when I got there the lights were off so I climbed up to my bedroom window and let myself in. I grabbed my clothes, some saved up cash, my laptop, and my documents (in case I needed them) and left a note for my family saying "bye".

And that was three years ago. I haven't been in contact with them, I don't follow them on social media, and I left my mobile behind so they were never able to get hold of me.

I completely and utterly. Ghosted them. And I don't entirely regret it.

In the last three years I have gained close friends, experienced new things, seen interesting things, and have felt well enough to actually want to seek therapy. My mental health improved greatly, although I still have issues but still am lot better than I was before.

However, I can't help but feel like an AH. My family weren't bad, just fed up. They are genuinely good people (even M) it's just that I bring the worst out in people. But recently I've been wondering if I should reach out or not.

What if doing so disrupts their lives? What if my leaving improved their lives?

I don't know.

AITAH if I reach out to my family after ghosting them for three years?

(This is a fanfic. Please read tags)

[cozzzynook]

The Lost Light is over Ratchet never died. Ratchet and Drift decide to go on vacation and visit some nearby planets. Rodimus at first is having a hard time he's struggling with depression. Living in Drift and Ratchet's apartment while they're gone. He's unmotivated to do anything. Self-harming and contemplating suicide.

He spends all day on social media watching videos about different things. Which inspire him to take charge of his life. He starts by trying things he sees online. He tries cooking and finds out he's really good at it and enjoys it.

He starts painting and learns about makeup and finds that he really enjoys that. He also finds a therapy group where he sees some familiar faces and some unknown. He's surprised to see Soundwave there and the two of them start talking and hit it off. Soundwave talks about some of the things he's been doing. He knows Rodimus is from Nyon and mentions this music he found from Nyon. Excited he has Soundwave show him and when the music played he started singing along. Soundwave was impressed and talked about the club he was working at and how they needed a singer.

At first, he was nervous and unsure but after talking with a therapist he decided to do it. After all, he wanted to make his own money instead of relying on Drift. The first night he sang the crowd loved him and it was a big hit. He would sing songs from Nyon and songs from other artists who'd died during the war. Then with the help of Soundwave the two of them would start writing their own songs.

It also inspired him to make his own channel where he could teach people Nyon recipes or music. Which got really popular.

He moved out of Ratchet and Drift's apartment. Finding his own little studio which he made into a very safe place for him. Where it was very fun and brightly decorated which he loved.

Slowly over time, he started falling for Soundwave although he was scared about taking that leap and going out with Soundwave, Who was letting him take his time and was always there for him.

Then Drift and Ratchet come back from their long vacation. During that time they'd talked a lot of things over and realized they both liked Rodimus and wanted to be with him.

When they finally come back Rodimus is there to greet them and he looks different. He's happier and just seems brighter in a way. They are surprised to learn he no longer lives in their apartment.

Over the next few days, they visit Rodimus' apartment and are shocked when he cooks for them. Drift notices some crystal flowers and is shocked especially when he reads the message. Rodimus tells them there from Soundwave after they released a new song.

Drift and Ratchet then learn he has begun singing at clubs and small consorts as his music takes off. Drift watching the way Rodmius talks about Soundwave realizes he's in love and that they are too late.

My brain is going so many directions with this idea & i really like it. Thank you so much for sharing.

My heart is always conflicted when it comes to picking soundrod or dratchrod because i like both.

I love when Rodimus has a hard time and contemplates suicide or self harm. To me its in his character to suffer behind closed doors and put on a front for others and believe it until he’s alone and then spirals all over again.

He would have a hard time after things end and nothing can distract him from the horrors of war. The things he’s done and the lives he’s lost and killed.

His home is gone and it can never be returned.

He’s the last of his people and he never thought of having sparklings because he feared messing them up and most bots don’t want to have multiple sparklings to the degree he would have to have to rebuild his people. So he accepts being the last of his people and the reason they die out completely.

He doesn’t talk about it and he keeps the scares he makes on himself hidden.

There’s plenty of times he’s opened his chassis late at night when alone in Drift and Ratchets apartment and opened his spark chamber to grip his spark and end it. His frame and processor always knock him out before he can do it fully and he feels this is a punishment for ruining the life of Nyon and all the mechs he’s killed under his terrible leadership.

So he coasts along not really accepting his fate but too weak to try again since the last one really hurt him. Left him knocked out for days on end and starving.

His colors faded deep reds that look black without light. His optics are dim and his frame is a lot thinner than it used to be.

He lets his datapad run to fill the silence in the early morning and thats how he finds a show that makes his spoiler lift a tad bit.

Its a cooking channel that makes his spark buzz a tad brighter and soon he’s binge watching it. Its what helps him get out of bed and now he’s moving around cleaning their apartment.

His frame is still weak, he’s still not back to his old color and his spark hasn’t felt the same since.

He flashes to memory files of holding his spark out of its core and how he really almost succeeded.

He feels something churn in the pit of his tanks and he hates the way his gestation pouch can be felt and seen now without the extra layers hiding it.

To escape the pain he turns on his datapad and sees an art channel.

He’s remembering how much he once loved art and how good he used to be at carving on his desk and the art pieces he used to make when Nyon still lived.

He’s finding himself leaving the apartment for the first time in three months to get food and art supplies.

The guilt eats at him when he uses Drifts money and he thinks of selling his art so he can pay him back. He knows he can never pay him back in full but he can stop living on his shanix.

For the first time in a long time, Rodimus feels happy as he listens to music and cooks a traditional Nyonian dish that he accidentally uploads to ether space. Before he can take it off bots are watching and asking for more.

None know its him since his frame and paint are drastically different and his face isn’t in it. That actually encourages him to make more since no one knows its him and so he makes another video and another until he has at least ten uploaded and viewers are asking him to show the painting he planned on selling that he created when it was too hard to recharge.

He did so, not showing his face plates of course, only to get a very large sum of money donated to his channel from multiple viewers. He’s so happy he cries, its the first time in over a million years that he’s actually cried happy tears but he did it. He finally did it.

He doesn’t exactly know what to do after that.

He has a processor breakdown that leaves him sitting in the middle of the floor with his food burning to char and that sets him off all over again.

Its two days later that he picks himself up from unbearable low fuel and the putrid smell of burning metal does he clean the kitchen and find a group that specializes in private therapy.

He can’t bring himself to paint or cook, let alone eat even if his frame is begging him to.

He enters the private group and sees faces he knows and just..leaves.

He doesn’t make it far because he drops from starvation.

He wakes up on a fuel drip and a mech sitting besides him he recognizes as Soundwave who puts a servo on his chassis to keep him still.

Turns out he damaged himself more than he knew when he almost succeeded in taking himself out. His spark was permanently damaged as a result and would never be as strong as it used to be. He would be fine but he could never enter battle again or do strenuous activities without multiple breaks. He could say goodbye to long drives where he pushed himself past his limit like every speedster loved doing.

He almost forgot Soundwave was there with him until he felt a digit brush a tear.

“Rodimus: will join Soundwave in a new group. Objections: not an option.”

He should’ve found that pushy and an invasion of his space along with an over step but he..went with it.

Letting Soundwave take him to a fuel cafe where he got the most delicious strawberry energon he later made into a parfait as a gift for Soundwave treating him.

The mech left him blushing at his compliment towards his baking and Rodimus was asking if Soundwave would like to try some of the fuel he makes for the cooking channel he sometimes does.

He didn’t expect the question to come from his dermas or for Soundwave to agree but he does and he finds he enjoys bringing a personal bowl to Soundwave and one for the new group he attends.

He sends an apologetic bowl of fuel to his first group that he ruined and they sent letters hoping for his recovery and a chance to meet if he wanted.

He..found himself shying away from meeting face to face with others but he enjoyed messaging and short calls.

He spent most of his time cooking and making art for his channel while Soundwave sat in the background playing music he liked to create and music he found from Nyon.

His viewers got a glimpse of Soundwave’s lower frame getting close to his one video when he hummed and danced along to an old Nyonian song meant for two. He didn’t mind Soundwave being close since the song encouraged it and he found he didn’t mind resting his helm on Soundwave’s shoulder as he hummed along to it.

His viewers lost their minds thinking the two were married with the natural chemistry between the two but he cleared it up quickly saying they were just acquaintances.

“Rodimus: a friend of Soundwave, not acquaintance,” the musically inclined mech corrected making Rodimus roll his optics and laugh.

He didn’t realize how long he went without laughing until that moment and he later learned how much the sound meant to Soundwave when he heard it added to a new song Soundwave was working on.

The former spymaster gathered multiple songs from Nyon and gifted them to Rodimus. He also made songs with clips of Rodimus humming and used Rodimus’s laugh as his identification for when he would call or message Soundwave.

In return Rodimus offered to teach create a painting for a Soundwave who accepted but asked Rodimus to make it at his home while singing for him.

“Rodimus vocals: a gift Soundwave wishes to relax in.”

The mech had a way of making Rodimus smile and feel warm inside in a way his flames could not.

He agreed, singing old Nyonian lullabies he once sang to sparklings while painting the constellations that once shined above his home past the infectious smog once atop high buildings or on the outskirts of the city.

Soundwave never hid that he recorded Rodimus singing to enjoy for himself and one day he asked Rodimus to sing with his group at a night club he enjoyed playing at.

Rodimus was visibly about to spiral in his nerves so Soundwave proposed Rodimus wear a mask to hide his face plates and sing in the back of the group instead of the front. He was still nervous but agreed liking that much more.

He’d heard about the nightclub being fancy and so he decided since no one would see his face plates it was fine for him to look at the channels he kept to himself.

He started off light since he wasn’t familiar with doing his own makeup yet, only watching on the screen, but he felt it looked nice. He slipped on the simple black sheer dress and met Soundwave at the club.

He wondered if he did something wrong when Soundwave just stared at him for a long time but eventually the mech reached out and handed him a bouquet of flower crystals that he liked from Soundwave’s yard. The mech had a very abundant garden filled with flowers Rodimus loved to smell and touch. He wasn’t a gardening mech but he did enjoy drawing and smelling them. Rodimus mentioned as a passing comment if he should grow his own cyber fruits and vegetables so his food would taste even better.

The night goes fantastic. The crowd loves them and he gets to hold the flowers as a grounding tool as he sings. He brings them back to Drift and Ratchets apartment where he takes off the face mask and smiles, placing the flowers in a vase. He contemplates making Soundwave a treat but decides against it. He sends him a message saying he had fun and a few days later he agrees to come see Soundwave at his home. Wearing a gold waist chain that showed off his gestation tank pouch and curvy waist that melded perfectly into his hips.

He hoped Soundwave didn’t mind his choice to wear derma gloss and some optic shadow. It fit the deep red and almost black tones of his paint job that became his permanent colors after hurting his spark. He found he liked the colors on himself though he does miss his vibrant colors he felt these were more true to who he was now.

He rang the doorbell holding the face mask in his servo and was greeted to Soundwave standing in the doorway with his optic mask on and lower guard off revealing a scarred face plate with his dermas pulled back on one side as a series of scars go from his revealed denta to his audial receptor.

Rodimus had never seen a mech so beautiful.

His spark stuttered a bit making him struggle to vent. The guard Soundwave was holding fell forgotten as he rushed to help Rodimus vent and calm his spark. Rodimus didn’t make the situation worse but he didn’t make it better with how he just stared at Soundwaves face.

He felt the flicker of hesitation in Soundwaves em field before humiliation took hold.

Rodimus didn’t think Soundwave should ever feel ashamed of his face. He made sure to tell him as such.

Touching the unscarred half of soft dermas with gentle digits that shook as he focused his hazy optics on the mech before him.

“You..you look..,” his spark felt heavy as it did light sharing the emotions for Soundwave to see through the wisps of his flames and whispers of his emotive curling beneath Soundwaves plating until it reached his spark.

He always felt too much and too deeply..but to Soundwave he felt..normal.

“Correction: Rodimus, is beauty incarnate.”

“Two things can be true Wavey.”

He doesn’t notice when they slip inside Soundwaves home, all he knows is that he finds comfort laying in the field of flowers with Soundwave beneath the sun. He’d tried returning the mask only for Soundwave to ask him for another night at the club and he can’t find it in himself to say no. He felt the mask resting besides him and the digits of a mech tracing the pattern along his hip plating. So close to his tank yet it didn’t even bother him.

It was the morning after their latest gig at the club while Rodimus was getting ready to record a new dish on his channel when he noticed the large empty dug up space beside Soundwaves garden. He asked the mech what he planned to do with it, when Soundwave stood behind him. Chassis to his back strut, servo resting on either side of him on the table as Rodimus stood comfortably waiting for his answer. Feeling his processor turn to bubbles as he enjoyed Soundwaves touch and presence.

“Purpose: cyber fruit and vegetable garden. Intended for: the spark that I wish to see beating beside me.”

Soundwaves words didn’t fully register to him for a few clicks but when they did he tried to tell Soundwave he deserved better. Someone who wanted to live and didn’t have to find reasons in the form of blogging channels and art. Someone who could give him everything he needed and wanted that didn’t have a spark condition caused by their own servo because they couldn’t handle living anymore.

To his patience Soundwave waited until Rodimus was finished before proving him wrong.

“Rodimus: normal like every mech. Suffered war. Consequence of survival follows all survivors. Soundwave: did not always want to wake either but group and hobbies makes things easier. Makes living better. Rodimus: makes Soundwave living better. Soundwave: wishes Rodimus saw himself as Soundwave sees him. Query: let Soundwave show Rodimus?”

Its hard to think past venting and leaning against the counter when Soundwave basically told him he wanted to spend his life besides him.

Its oddly grounding to let Soundwave rest his helm against his chassis. Feeling the beat of a strong spark so unlike his own against his audial that he finds himself wrapping his arms around him yearning for more. He closes his optics, feeling the ridges of Soundwaves frame against his own and the tentacles that release and wrap loosely around his waist. Those black and purple feelers tickle him lightly to ease his tension and Rodimus finds himself slipping from reality. Lost in the smell of Soundwaves scent of crystal flowers, heavy solvent cleaner and the natural musk that only Soundwave seemed to carry.

He’s whispering yes as he fades and feels his mind slip into a comfortable lull and he allows the former spy master and gladiator to lift him. They settle in Soundwaves berth where he gets lost entirely and welcomes a recharge he didn’t know possible.

At spark he’s awkward and has a hard time bringing up his feelings but the first thing he asks Soundwave when he wakes is if they can stay like this.

“I want to stay like this with you…I’ll give you anything I can to keep you. Whatever food you want, whatever dessert or song I can offer to ease your day. I’ll do it. I don’t really have much to offer but I can try.”

And really he’s never spoken so honestly from the spark that didn’t require him to without the presence of a battlefield.

His answer comes in the form of Soundwave resting his slim digits above Rodimus’ spark and speaking in the deep voice that Rodimus associated safety and happiness with.

“Rodimus: is the offer. An offer: Soundwave wishes to keep for himself forever.”

“Then you have me,” he gazes up, shifting closer, feeling their different sparks harmonize in a way neither have felt before.

They don’t merge sparks or conjunx in this moment. They decide to wait. Properly court the other with the intent to take their time while leaving a scent on the other so none will try intervening. Rodimus doesn’t think anybot will be interested in him til Soundwave points behind them while in the market to the multiple mechs and femmes staring at his aft and hips.

“Shut up,” his embarrassment is met with a smiley face on the purple mechs face plate. He can’t find it in himself to be upset especially when he receives Soundwaves tentacle wrapped around his waist while they continue on.

Not long after Rodimus meets his old friends Arcee and Springer who are extremely shocked by his paint job and new frame. He doesn’t tell them what happened or what he’s been through physically and mentally. Instead he tells them about his channel and they don’t pry. They see how happy he looks, how comfortable he is in silence now and see the bag of paint tubs on his arm.

“I started painting again,” he tells them and they get so excited for him. Asking if he’d like to come back to their apartment and catch up. They admit how much they miss him and don’t want to let time slip by again or go without talking to him in person for so long again.

He agrees because he truly did miss them too and no matter how much they differed in the past they always stuck by each other even when they didn’t understand the others reasoning. So nods a little misty in the optics and sets up a time. He’s about to leave when a feeler lightly tickles him before a tentacle rests below his spoiler.

He can’t help lighting up and feeling his processor become bubbly as he introduces Soundwave to Springer and Arcee. The two are in shock by how the two act towards each other but they roll with the flow. Soundwave is polite in greeting them with a nod and doesn’t do more than listen while Rodimus chats with them a bit more.

Soundwave is carrying the heavier bags and they notice Rodimus is wearing derma gloss and optic shadow. He once wore it during an undercover mission and they remember him saying he liked it but nothing ever cane about it. They were glad to see him doing things he liked and if Soundwave helped him to do them and made him happy, they wouldn’t object.

Especially when they saw how caring Soundwave was with Rodimus when they came to get him. Last they heard he was at Drift and Ratchets apartment but apparently he hadn’t been there for almost a month. They were surprised yet again by how happy they were to know he was at home with Soundwave in a lovely place instead of the cold and lonely apartment that would make Rodimus feel lonely.

“We’ll have him back before ya know gladiator mecha,” Arcee parted as she slung an arm around Rodimus neck with a wink at Soundwave to lightly tease him. The mech was surprised but didn’t reject it and Springer was thinking this could be good after all. Rodimus hadn’t really paid much mind since he didn’t feel any animosity in the air.

He ended up showing his friends the cooking channel he started and made them a traditional Nyonian meal that they devoured in one sitting making him laugh. He showed the art pieces he’d made and they recognized his humming to be the mech who sung at the night club. He admitted that was him but refused to sing. He enjoyed blushing and being nervous in a way that didn’t put him on edge. He felt at home with the two and congratulated them on becoming conjunx.

“Can’t wait to congratulate you and Mr.Cryptic at your conjunx ceremony,” Springer suggested wiggling an optic ridge as he elbowed Rodimus lightly.

“How many sparkling nieces and nephews are we gettin,” Arcee gushed, before going on about how she’s always wanted to be an aunty to Rodimus’s sparklings and how she couldn’t wait to buy all the cute outfits and teach her nieces and nephews a real fight since the boys could never keep up with her.

Rodimus felt his spoiler lower a bit but he brushed it off and asked the two what their plans were and what they’ve been up to. Arcee immediately dove into talking about her fighting studio and Springer actually decided to take up teaching self dense classes. They both traveled for their jobs together but spent most of the time apart so they could have venting room.

He was happy to hear about their travels and it reminded him how much he missed being in the stars and visiting other cultures.

He smiled listening to their stories when he felt himself growing tired. He was about to excuse himself when Arcee wrapped an around him and said she’d walk him back to their little brothers future Conjunx. Arcee was always so ready to make him feel humiliated in a way only a big sister could.

He didn’t realize how late it’d become until he was walking in the dark with Arcee who kept an arm around his neck. He appreciated the comfort but he also knew she was about to ask him something personal.

“Go ahead and ask already. I still don’t like emotional suspense.”

She laughed at that but began speaking anyway.

“Soundwave is really nice to you huh?”

He nodded, he knew thats not where she was going but he waited.

“I can’t see his optics but I can feel him,” he looked towards her waiting, “the way he feels around you is..the way bots in holo stories used to feel. Its like watching two characters get the best ending one can never picture happening in real life. Only, it is…”

He smiled at her before looking ahead seeing the area change to slowly become the large property Soundwave owned.

“What I’m saying is..I want you to enjoy all of it. I have everything I could ever want with Springer..Percy is coming by too with Brainstorm. I know Percy misses you a lot. I’ll make sure to tell him not to be overbearing though. You know how he is with you. Such a carrier,” she snorted making him laugh nodding.

“I..I know how you feel..how you used to feel about sparklings..I mean..and I know by how Soundwave feels around you that he’d give you whatever it is you desire and if you still crave having sparklings like you once did..you should have them..be it adoption or with you tanks..you should allow yourself that happiness. You deserve it. Me, Springer, Percy, even Blurr and Kup when they get back..we won’t let anyone do anything to you just because you’re a tank carrier. Alright, little sweet spark?”

He felt his shoulders shaking and optics fuzzing at Arcee’s words and he hated how small he felt in her arms. He felt like a sparkling needing their older sister all over again and he hated it. But he would never refuse the warm hug she gave him nor how he melted into her arms and cried his fears in the forms of sobs. Too scared to tell her what he’d done and how he might not even be able to have them anymore. How unworthy he felt to have them when he was littered in scars not received from a battlefield with a frame that bore the proof of his failed attempts.

“I don’t care what you’re telling yourself in that processor of yours Roddy. You always have and always will be a good mech, multiple mistakes and all. We all have them. Some just more than others while some can hide them. Point is, don’t hold yourself back. When you’re ready, do whats best, okay?”

He nodded his helmet, unable to form words and eventually, he wiped his face plate and smiled up at her a little.

“You’re so mean ta me,” he slipped, using his accent as she used her own. It made them both laugh and their departure easier with the promise of seeing each other very soon and him telling her to message him when she got home.

“Rodimus: okay?”

“Yeah,” he nodded, preparing a solvent bath, “I’m okay. Did you have fun?”

A nod and Soundwave joined Rodimus in the solvent bath where the smaller mech massaged the old wounds and kinks from the ex-gladiators frame. Soundwave reheated the bath after, gently removing the armor from Rodimus’ protoform. He took off the lower guard for his face plate and raised Rodimus wrists to his dermas where he placed wisp touches along the scars Rodimus bore after war.

This wasn’t the first time Soundwave had done so but every time he did Rodimus felt a part of himself break and reconnect inside.

He both feared and loved how intimate he could be with Soundwave. He’s never been open to such affections beyond quick fragging but he’s happy to say he’s fine with anything as long as its with Soundwave.

A few months past and Rodimus finds himself going back to Drift and Ratchets apartment to clean and welcome them home with Perceptor on his heels and Soundwave out with his friends enjoying a music festival.

After reuniting with Blurr, Kup, Brainstorm and Perceptor, Rodimus found his circle of friends growing again and he was happy with it. Of course, Perceptor was the one to pull him aside and carrier him asking about his loss of weight and paint change. Rodimus was never good at lying to Perceptor or any of the wreckers really, but especially Kup and Perceptor. Kup knew he’d hear everything from Percy and Percy wasn’t leaving until he got answers.

It was…painful, sharing what he’d done to himself to another beside Soundwave. He expected scolding, frustration, even anger or told he was illogical. He wasn’t expecting a frame hug that popped his plating out of place and tears.

Perceptor understood the best he could and wouldn’t let Rodimus out of his sight or arms after. It wasn’t too questionable when they came back to the group hours later but it was a noticeable question in the air that the others didn’t bring up thankfully.

Later that day Kup came by with Percy to bear hug his popped plating back into place and he felt guilt for making the old mech shed a tear but Kup told him not to.

“Bots have fights all time..sometimes…its with themselves. When you have a fight with yourself next time lil one, we’ll be there to have your back. Okay?”

It meant more than he thought possible and he finally felt his world fully shifting into place. And with the arrival of Drift and Ratchet finally returning he was happy to have it come full circle as he greeted the two along with Percy who stayed further back so the three could greet each other.

Rodimus wasn’t surprised when Drift hugged him since the mech was a real hug creature at spark, he was startled when Ratchet hugged him but he did hug the mech back.

“Welcome back guys. I hope you enjoyed your vacation,” he smiled leading them to the kitchen that smelled like utopia. The two were practically drooling at the mouth smelling Rodimus’ food and Perceptor was already eating his own plate at a distance after waving at the two.

“Roddy? Where did you learn to cook like this?”

“I got into a cooking channel that turned into me starting my own,” he smiled. He nodded to Percy who stood there for a while before hugging him and telling him to message him when he was heading home.

“I’m fine Percy, I can walk back home. Its not that far,” he laughed.

Perceptor just looked at him with a smile and nuzzled his helmet repeating himself. “If you need me I’ll be with Brainstorm at the collectors show. Mech needs to be taught how to appreciate good quality instead the things he brings home.”

“You guys foreplay is still so weird to me,” Rodimus laughed being a little slag before giving Percy a kiss to the side of his face plate and pushing him out the door.

When he came back Ratchet and Drift were looking so confused and mildly hurt?, so Rodimus quickly cleared the air.

“Percy has always been such a carrier ever since he met me. You probably didn’t see it on the ship but he’s basically my carrier. He even got it documented legally,” Rodimus laughed.

“Him and Brainstorm are conjunx. Oh he say’s hi and welcome back and so Arcee, Kup, Springer and Blurr. They’ll come see you guys later when they have time,” Rodimus smiled cleaning up the last of the dishes.

The two quickly understood about Percy because him and Brainstorm did have something going on while on the Lost light and he was a bit of a hover when he was near Rodimus which was actually quite a bit now that they thought about it. It made sense Rodimus was Percy’s bitlet but they were confused about one thing in particular.

“Hey Roddy? What did he mean by message him when you get home?”

“Oh! Sorry about that! I meant to tell you guys but I didn’t wanna disrupt your vacation and I was so busy making sure it was clean for you when got back. I moved out a while ago, it hasn’t been long but long enough to make sure it wasn’t too dusty for when you came back. Oh and it’ll never be close to repaying you but I left a little something for you guys.”

Rodimus went over to the drawer and pulled out an envelope handing it to the shocked couple.

“I wanted to pay you back. I’ll never be able to pay you back in full but..I wanted to try,” Rodimus smiled shrugging his shoulders.

Inside was a nice amount of money one didn’t just come by in a few months of hard work.

“Kid, how did you get all this?”

Ratchet looked like he’d blown a gasket and it made Rodimus laugh.

“I’m really good at drawing and painting and so I started an art channel and people donated money and paid for my paintings.”

Rodimus went back to the counter to fix the crystal flowers he’d left. They still looked as beautiful as ever and it made him feel bubbly in the processor all over until he was pulled from his thoughts.

“Ya take up gardening too kid?”

Ratchet was smirking when he said and Drift was looking shocked still.

“Kid ya didn’t have to move out ya know? We like having ya around.”

His smile was gentle and it made Rodimus spoiler flicker.

“I..really..thank you Ratchet, that means a lot to me.”

“Oh, no I don’t garden plants..I kill them actually,” the pout on his face was beautiful but the next emotion was a jump of his spoiler and he looked excited.

“These came from Soundwave actually! He gifted them to me at our first gig at a nightclub. He says hi too but he’s at a music festival with his friends right now.”

They’d never seen Rodimus’s spoilers express so much feeling and it left them with a growing ache in the chassis.

“But I’m really good at gardening food. For some reason I kill plants but the crystal fruit and veggies I planted at home are thriving,” he shrugged. “I definitely want you guys to come by and taste em when you can. I think you’ll really like my strawberry crystals Ratch, they’re nice and sweet just how ya like. Drift I planted some melon and grapefruit crystals too. I can get em less sweet since you don’t really like that.”

“Woah, slow down Roddy…you said at home..with Soundwave?”

“Hm? Oh, yeah,” Rodimus blushed looking to the side. “We um..we’re..Soundwave is..” his spark left off a little wave of love and the two felt it.

“Sorry! Sorry. I still can’t control that,” he bashfully chuckled, rubbing at his chassis above his spark making Ratchet slip into medic mode.

He was on rodimus before the other could tell him he was fine.

“Wait, Ratch. I’m fine promise. My doc already knows and I take meds for it. It was just from excitement.”

Ratchet wasn’t at all happy with hearing Rodimus developed a spark condition while they were away and Drift was about to worry himself out of his frame plating with how jittery he looked standing behind him about to help Ratchet open his chassis right where they stood.

“Kid,” Ratchet was putting on his medical scanner over his optic and reading Rodimus’s vitals before coming to a stop when he saw the diagnosis.

“Don’t.”

He stepped back from both of them.

“Just..tell him when I leave okay?”

His spoiler fell and he wrapped an arm around his waist. They could see how much weight he lost and they were obvious to his paint change. Its just now Ratchet knew why and soon Drift would too.

“I’m fine now. I promise.”

He turned his helm looking towards the door when Ratchet pulled him into a hug.

“Kid. Please..don’t ever..don’t..don’t do that again. Please?”

“What the frag is going on?”

Drift was panicking and Roddy hated to see his friend panic like that.

“I’m not dying! I just, did something in the past..I’m okay now.”

Roddy left Ratchets hug and hugged Drift who squeezed him tight. When he felt the hug loosen before becoming almost unbearable he knew Ratchet shared his diagnosis.

“I’m fine now. Promise.”

He smiled a little.

“Its you guys welcome home celebration. Probably shouldn’t be worrying about this when we should be celebrating hm?”

They were extremely reluctant but allowed Rodimus to pour them and himself a glass of high grade, though they noticed he didn’t pour much into his own.

“I’m glad you guys made it back safe. I missed you both. So tell me, what all did you do on your vacation? Please don’t tell me the frag stories I’m traumatized enough from Brainstorm telling me his and Percy’s,” he informed breaking the tension making the two laugh.

He smiled listening intently at every story told and before he knew it, it was getting really late and he was yawning into his servo.

“I’m really glad you guys had so much fun. I can’t wait till next month.”

“Next month?”

“Yeah! Me and Soundwave are going off world. I miss going into space so he got us a nice lil ship to travel to a sister planet. It won’t be for long but I’m so excited.”

The two noticed the way his optics glazed and his spoiler lifted to full tilt. The way his spark hummed a little louder and his smile was brighter. The way his servos came to his waist as if expecting another to be waiting right there for him. The gestation pouch on his tanks that they never saw before. How light his laughter grew and how calm his shoulders looked.

It hurt as much as he looked beautiful.

What ifs ran through their processor as the night came to a close and a knock sounded on their door. Rodimus got up to answer with a sway in his step that didn’t feel sexual at all. He was comfortable with a processor that was floating in a way all too familiar to the stories one read in books.

“Hi Soundwave. Back from the festival already?”

“Soundwave: had fun. Purpose: to greet Rodimus friends and ensure safety.”

They saw the way Soundwave handled Rodimus and the way his tentacles looped around his waist resting comfortably around him. The way Rodimus melted into Soundwave and almost forgot his surroundings told them everything they feared.

“I hope to see you guys soon. Message me when you want to meet up after settling back home again? If ya need I’ll be more than happy to come back and cook. I don’t want Drift burning the apartment down,” Rodimus laughed.

He came over to give them one final hug before parting with a wave and Soundwave nodding at them.

“Rodimus: enjoy welcome party?”

“It was fun,” they heard him say as they disappeared behind the complex’s door.

Leaving them to stand in the doorway with sparks aching and optics longing.

“We were too late Ratty…”

“It seems that way kid…”

Ratchets sigh wasn’t enough to hide his disappointment and sadness.

“It seems that way.”

Back in their home Rodimus laid in their nest where he made a little extra space that gave him and Soundwave more room.

The room was dark save for his blue optics and spark that ignited the space and four purple optics that gazed so softly at him accompanied by a purple spark that he thought the world of.

He was so happy he failed all those many months ago.

If he hadn’t, he would be missing out the most beautiful mech with the most beautiful spark in existence.

It’s something he never plans to miss out on.

[irusanw4]

So I do edits now. Yall should go read @gracebeth3604 's fic Keep it Coming Back!

[disastercomingfaster]

Never Alone-A Taylor Swift Imagine

I guess I've mentioned here that I've been going through a rough time right now. Well, like every normal person, I decided to take my own experiences and cope with them by making a sad Taylor Swift imagine. Please proceed with caution, this does have themes of suicide. I hope you enjoy.

Sobs shook your body as you desperately debated your next move. You have the sleeping pills on the passenger seat, completely ready for you to take the final step. Is this what you wanted? It sure seemed like the best option; the pain would end, right? At least it’s supposed to. But that opened a whole new anxiety. What was after? What if it was worse? What if it was nothing? You punched the steering wheel in frustration. Why not just go back to Taylor? Back home? Forget about this whole thing and cuddle up in bed? “You don’t deserve her.” You cried, punching the wheel again. “You don’t deserve anyone. You’re a piece of shit.” You practically jumped when your phone started to vibrate. Shit. Did she already find the note? She wasn’t supposed to find it yet. You tried to ignore the ringing and take the pills. This was for the best for everyone…right? Your phone buzzed again. Taylor. Shit. You set the pills down, trying to get a hold of what was the next move.

Read the full story on AO3

[fob4ever]

fall out boy / alt press #207, october 2005

[l0vergirlatheart]

Can you pleaseeeeeee do a comfort/angst Adam Murray x reader where Adam walks in on y/n cleaning up all the evidence after either s/h or a sewerslide attempt 😢

!!! sure :33 im also trying out new formatting so <3 I GT A LITTEL DISTRATCED MAKING THIS SORRY

TRIGGER WARNINGS : SU*CIDAL THOUGHTS, S*LF HARM, HEAVY BLOOD MENTION, RELAPSES, IMPLICATIONS THAT READER HAS ATTEMPTED BEFORE, READER SEES BLOOD AS 'SICKENINGLY BEAUTIFUL' MULTIPLE TIMES, FAILED SUICIDE ATTEMPT

❧ in which adam murray finds his lover holding a knife to their own flesh. ✦ a/n : ignore the header there's not very many for bps overall😔 ☼ proceed with caution ! this is your final warning. if you are uncomfortable with aforementioned topics, please just scroll.

♪ now playing... Ola Ola St 2009 by t0ughpysch0 !

YOUR FIRST MEMORY OF TODAY WAS BLOOD. It wasn't like you'd awaken to the sight of it- more like, that's when your consciousness had kicked in. Slits of red coded your wrists and thighs, and you could do nothing but stare at them before looking over at your bloody knife. You didn't usually use a knife when you relapsed.

Maybe this wouldn't be just a relapse this time.

The knife raised up to your throat as you stared dead into the bathroom mirror, watching as you began to sink the cold metal deeper into the flesh of your neck, small droplet of blood both from the knife and the small, and soon to be growing, wound that began to adorn your skin. White noise overcame your hearing sense as you watched the crimson liquid drip down. How sickeningly beautiful.

Preparing to slit your neck deeper, you took the deepest of breaths you could before the clattering of metal against marble echoed throughout the bathroom. The knife was no longer in your hands, yet a larger slash embellished your palm.

You didn't get to look at it for long before your hand was grabbed by another, familiar one.

"What the hell were you thinking?!" Adam yelled as your gaze finally trailed back up to his face, taking in each inch of his horrified expression.

The tears threatening to stream down his face, the way he trembled as he held your hand, the obvious grimace on his face, and his wide blue eyes, panic evident in them. Even more was fear. Fear not of you, but far of losing you.

"You- You told me you'd..!" He groaned, his grip on your hand involuntarily tightening for a moment before he shakily exhaled, "You told me you'd at least tell me when these- these thoughts came back!"

"I'm sorry." What more could you say? It was too late to warn him now.

"Don't... apologize. It's not your fault. I.. I just.." He sighed, closing his eyes for only a moment, "Let me hug you. Please."

"Okay," Who were you to deny him? His arms snaked around you, his face leaned against your body as he gripped you in a tight embrace.

"I'm sorry for yelling at you. I didn't mean to. I'm just..."

"Scared?"

"Yes. I don't know what I'd do without you." He sighed, looking back at you as soon as he'd opened his eyes again, "I know that sounds selfish, but I mean it. I need you here." You had nothing to say to that, so he took it as a cue to continue speaking.

"I know it's probably hard for you to convince yourself to even get out of bed in the mornings, much less continue living without... hurting yourself. But..." He trailed off, leaning his head onto your shoulder, "I know it'll get better as time moves on. I-I'll make sure of it. But, how will you see how wonderful tomorrow will be if you don't ever make it there?"

"I need you," He hiccuped after a while.

"I know."

"Please stay." He begged.

There was no reply. You didn't know for sure. But you'd try at least. Even if it wasn't for yourself. It was for him, at least. He needed it. You might've needed it too.

[daedalverselore]

I asked about Cadence's daughter, may as well ask about her parents now too! XD Gimme some Crescendo and Queen Amore lore! Maybe about how they first fell in luuuuv or something? Would be rather fitting :'3

Yay- I love a good love story~! I hope I can write one well! XD

Princess Mi Amore Viola Aria is the youngest of four daughters of the Queen Mi Amore Arcobaleno Concerto of the Crystal Kingdom. But despite this, the crown is not promised to the eldest daughter. No, it is in fact picked by Princess Luna and Princess Celestia. The Queen was to be the one who best embodied the Alicorn of love, Cherish's, ideals. So among the royal lineage, any of them could be crowned Queen.

As a result, Princess "Aria" was not a stranger to suitors seeking to be her royal consort. She rejected many to the point she was rumored to get her cutie mark for being icy to ponies. In fact, even her guards had to be seriously vetted so they would not hit on the Princess.

The Princess truly wanted love- not to inherit the throne, but because she felt lonely. She wasn't close to any of her family, and while she had a friendly personality, Aria felt deeply sad that all seemed to only want her for power.

Which brings us around to Crescendo Celestine- a spirited pegasus guard with a talent for using a rapier. Much like a fencing duel, he is very straight forward with his words and actions- not to mention elegantly dramatic!

Crescendo was fiercely loyal to the royal family and challenged those who insulted them to duels. But when dueling his opponent, somehow the banter that the pegasus engaged in during the fight turned the whole thing into a lighthearted, fun affair. Because of that, it rarely caused sore feelings after so he rarely got in trouble.

That charisma put Crescendo high in the ranks of the royal guard- until he was eventually offered the position of Princess Aria's personal guard. They had hoped that his loyalty to the royal family would translate into never wanting to overstep his role as guard.

(Cut for length. Also, suicide attempt warning and some red flag behavior that doesn't belong outside of fiction!)

Crescendo had never met the princess, and had only seen her from afar. He had never loved before, but upon meeting her, the stallion his friends were pretty sure was Ace awoke deeply enamored by Princess Aria. He saw the sadness in her eyes- as he too felt lonely in the midst of a sea of friends.

He had been warned not to harbor secret feelings for the Princess, so decided not to be secretive about it. When Crescendo's vows to be her royal guard started, the whole court was shocked to hear lines from marriage vows mixed in with the guarding ones.

The guard captain wanted to take Crescendo away then and there, but Aria found herself stopping him. Despite the murmurs from the court, the Princess took him aside to the privacy of the nearest balcony. This was the most blatant confession she'd gotten, and was slightly amused by the foolishness.

Aria bemusedly asked if he had mixed up his lines. He only smiled at her, kissed her hoof, and said he wanted to court her with marriage in mind. She told him he couldn't expect her to give him any power. Any of her sisters was just as likely- even more so, to be queen. So he could stop with the act.

Crescendo told her he would be happy to run away with her right now, without a penny to their name if that meant he could be by her side. This was all a little overwhelming for Aria, who while was intimidated of his intensity, felt pleasure from it.

Despite wanting to linger, Aria knew that her mother wanted her to marry someone richer than a guard. It was better not to entertain fantasy further less he get hurt. The Princess told him that he'd better leave, and that she'd find a new guard. He told her that now that he met her, he wanted to be near her always. He'd sooner perish than be without her.

So in her desperation to avoid her less than rational emotions, she muttered softly, "then perish."

The stallion saluted to her seriously, wrapped his wings around the front of his torso, closed his eyes and let himself drop off the balcony, back facing the ground below. The Princess wouldn't believe at first that he wouldn't save himself. But when she came to the balcony and saw him about to hit the hard ground, she caught him last minute with her magic.

As she brought him back up, she was surprised to find him very riled up. Crescendo demanded to know how she expected him to prove himself now, and demanded to duel her for toying with her emotions.

She found herself saying, "Don't threaten me with a good time." She wasn't sure why she said that, but found herself really enjoying the smile he gave back to her. It was clearly a bad idea to give this stallion an inch. But despite it all, she found she wanted to see what he would do next. For all of their relationship she didn't regret it.

Author's note: So, for their story I had a basic idea of Princess falls for her Guard, but it didn't really flow as a story until I found my character inspiration for Crescendo: Gomez Addams from the Addams Family. Now, it's implied that Gomez met his wife Morticia the day she died- kinda a hard story to translate to ponies, if I want them to not be undead, that is! XD

For me, Gomez and Morticia have that rare instant connection that would be very red flag territory if not mutually felt (and not even then sometimes). Aria here is different from Morticia in only that her royal upbringing means politically, she has to be careful about what she says.

I like to think that Crescendo brings unconditional love to her life, so they grow to be passionate like Gomez and Morticia. But Crescendo is very cray cray in this story and would have probably been imprisoned for a long time if Aria didn't actually like him.

(end note)

Wait, how did Princess Amore have Cadence if she lived 1000 years from the MLP present?

Other related asks I'd love to get:

Where did the Crystal Heart come from?

Why doesn't Aria get along with her family?

How come the royal sisters get to pick the Crystal Kingdom's Queen?

How does The Doctor fit into the Daedalverse?

[shootingstarpilot]

Return ask for the tag game! I would like to hear a bit about the time loop continuation from Helix's PoV, because that sounds devestating and I'm here for it.

ohohoho okay thank you very much for this because i have thoughts

imagine. you're getting ready for bed. you survived another day. your jedi found whatever creepy force banthashit thing drew them here. and yeah, you've been told that it'll probably serve as a beacon because the creatures you've been dealing with for this whole goddamn slog are apparently drawn to it like sharks to chum but it's contained now, so you're- not hopeful. that's dangerous. but maybe- looking forward to going home. looking forward to a rest.

stitch is bundling himself up in a dozen different paper-thin blankets because abregado is cold as fuck, needle is- either helping or hindering, you can't tell very well, but they're both laughing so you're not too worried. as long as they're safe. as long as they're safe.

you go to bed.

you wake up.

stitch is still asleep, you can see him breathing.

needle is gone.

this isn't... out of the ordinary, you know. needle tends to wander and one of the primaries is usually in demand more often than not.

you have exactly eight minutes to delude yourself thusly before you hear outside- footsteps, fast-approaching, a flurry of voices, and you're on your feet in the instant before your general ducks through the tent entrance with someone in his arms-

and that someone in his arms-

in his arms is-

he deposits him on a cot- unconscious, breathing, breathing, breathing, what- and then he turns to you, white-faced, steady, reaches up, cups your face-

he tells you to listen. to not panic.

then he tells you that your little brother wandered into the command tent and tried to shoot himself in the head.

he tells you, as well, that it's not- it's not- there was something in the force, he says, it wasn't-

(-wasn't like so many other brothers, on kamino and off, the ones who were left alone, who were left behind, who left as well-)

you have stopped listening.

you stopped listening the moment tried to shoot himself in the head left your general's mouth.

(he tried to-)

he lets you go. tells you that he should sleep for the next day or so, enough to get packed up, to get back to the ship.

(he tried to-)

you nod.

(he tried to-)

your general turns and the tent is empty again except for you and stitch and needle on the bed-

needle. your first-found, first-loved brother.

(he tried to-)

twenty-four hours, your general told you.

twenty-four hours to dissect the past day. the past week. the past month, months, the past three years-

(he tried to-)

you are trying to find what you missed.

what you missed, that needle would try to-

you can't.

and the worst part- not the worst part, the worst part is that needle had tried to- to- but a worst part-

stitch knows something you do not.

it is in the way he shouts down the standard protocol- the padded cuffs, for patients at risk of self-harming, the medics cannot be everywhere at once and it's safer should they wake up alone.

it is in the way he holds needle's head, tells him gentle, gentle, still sleeping- still my needle.

it is in the way he avoids your gaze.

stitch, you realize slowly, is not surprised.

[bataddictedloony]

i talked a guy off a bridge today.

no, literally. No. Literally.

I don’t know how to process this?? Like, he’s physically unharmed, I kept him from jumping, the police got him down and i broke down and cried and called my boss and they picked me up and then brought me home and i have not. Stopped. Thinking about. Everything.

[amberjazmyn]

talk me down💔

pairing : charles leclerc x leclerc fem!reader & arthur leclerc x leclerc fem!reader

summary : anastasia leclerc has to be talked down from committing suicide after she struggles to come to terms with the death of their dad, herve. the person that talks her down is none other than her older brother, charles leclerc.

warnings : description and action of a suicide attempt, crying, yelling, swearing, older brother!charles, stopping someone from killing themself, mention of terminal illness, mention of herve leclerc's death

a/n : i do apologise that yet again it's a depressing one and one that's being recycled but ya girl is truly struggling and i just really want to get something out so here we go!

i'm too tried to go to bed, i'm too wired for anything except the crossfire in my head  

the entire leclerc family knew that something wasn't right with their youngest daughter and sister, anastasia. and they knew exactly what had caused it as well, they just didn't realise how bad it had actually gotten. it had only been a couple of months since the patriarch of the leclerc family, herve leclerc, had passed away due to a cancer battle that he had battled through for years. and anastasia had no idea how to handle it. after the funeral, anastasia felt as though she was running on autopilot.  she was way too tired to go to bed, too wired for anything except for the constant gunfire that went through her head every single second of every single day. all she wanted was to have her papa come home. this sudden loss had thrown her family dynamics so off-wack that she had no idea how anyone in her house was able to wake up every single morning and just continue as if nothing had happened. especially when it was considered that charles had the f2 feature race days later and yet still managed to win the race. and, one day, her brother noticed how far down his younger sister had fallen and tried to help her. 

"...anastasia, ça va bébé?" charles, anastasia's older brother's voice rang out from behind the brunette girl anastasia, are you okay babe? turning around, anastasia simply blinked at her brother, "hmm, désolé char, qu'as-tu dit?" for the first time basically since the funeral and his f2 feature race, the brother and sister actually looked at each other for more than a second or two, making proper eye contact with one another hmm, sorry char, what did you say? it wasn't until this moment when charles finally took a good proper look at his sister since it happened and his f2 feature face that the state of his sister was the same state of grief as him. charles wasn't the only one crying a lot. and it was this moment that anastasia also noticed that it wasn't just her that was crying every single day when she also took notice at her brother for more than a second. the both of them had been crying every day and not once did either of them realise it. and they didn't realise it because they never thought of the possibility of the other sibling even having the same understanding of the other sibling's pain and feelings. because charles and anastasia had completely different relationships with their beloved papa. as did the two other brothers, lorenzo and arthur. after some silence, charles spoke up again, "i was asking you if you were okay, ana. tu voles en pilote automatique depuis un petit moment et je me demandais si tu avais besoin de parler à quelqu'un," charles questioned which shocked the girl you've been flying on autopilot for a little bit and i was wondering if you needed someone to talk to not that charles was a crappy brother to his sister, usually he was just never this available to spend all the time in the world that he wished to with his family. and it was because he'd usually be going from country to country for formula two and in the upcoming months, formula one. but because of their family's beveravement, charles had been given permission, if he so chose to use it, to spend some time at home with his family. and after winning the feature race for f2, he decided to take some time away and spend it with his family. "that...that would be really nice actually, thanks charles," anastasia whispered, french seeming way too complicated for the girl to continue with as charles breathed out a sigh of relief  so, charles took his younger sister aside and they had a conversation. it involved tears, some laughter and every single memory the brother and sister could remember they had with their papa. 

"...anastasia, do you remember the time that papa tried to teach you how to drive the go-kart but couldn't get the kart's engine started to the point he picked it up and threw it because he got so mad?" charles giggled as anastasia nodded her head as she too started to laugh "oh...yeah, i remember that quite clearly. didn't maman get super mad at papa for it because he broke the kart and made you cry because of it?" anastasia giggled as she fiddled with the rings on her fingers

"haha, he actually didn't break it, mon ange. he did make me cry though because it was getting very loud because maman did get super mad at him for it though," charles chuckled, scratching an itch on his cheek as anastasia nodded her head, the memory slightly starting to come back

"ahh, okay, that makes sense. do you remember the time that papa freaked out when he realised he thought he had lost thuthur in the city square that he called the police and filed a missing person's report?" anastasia chuckled as charles' head flew back as he laughed as well, his head shaking

"umm, no? when did this happen?" charles chuckled as he looked shocked, how was he not told this story?

"oh, that's unfortunate because it was bloody hilarious! it must have been during a race day that was outside europe then since it was only like a couple of years ago. literally, papa had taken thuthur and i out for a nice little family day out whilst maman was working and enzo was with friends i think. and it was like in a span of three minutes that papa, myself and thuthur were walking all together and then when papa had called out for thuthur for what he wanted to eat, he didn't get a response back. and because he didn't get a response back, he freaked out and turned around to find that thuthur had just disappeared. i have to admit, it was quite frightening at the time because it was as though he had just vanished into thin air. of course, papa had made the two of us stop everything we were doing, which was what we wanted for lunch, to then begin searching the city square for thuthur. it was the second papa called for the police to file a missing person's report that i had found him...he had gotten distracted and walked into the lolly store that was out of the way near the cafe so of course, papa didn't see it. but yeah, that was the moment we thought we had lost thuthur," anastasia's chuckles faded as charles rolled his eyes with a smile on his face after some giggles, that was something that was very typical of their father

"wow, i cannot believe i missed that! i would have loved to have seen that," charles chuckled as anastasia nodded her head in agreement and she quickly looked out of her bedroom windows to notice that it had gotten quite late in the night 

charles had also noticed how late it had gotten. he slowly got up from his spot on his sister's bed and decided it was time to let his sister try to get some sleep and for him to get some as well. 

"it's getting late and it's been a long night. bonsoir anastasia, j'ai vraiment apprécié cette conversation et j'espère que vous aussi. je t'aime bébé," charles whispered, giving a quick kiss to his sister who smiled softly back goodnight anastasia, i really appreciated this chat and i hope you did too. i love you babe

"goodnight charles, i appreciated this chat as well, it was really well-needed.je t'aime aussi, charlie," anastasia whispered back, accepting the kiss from her brother before she waved him out of her room and closed the door behind him i love you too, charlie

then, finally, she released the breath she had been keeping inside of her for what felt like an eternity. 

it's been a long night, cause i took all i can take, 'til the walls shook and the windows break. it seemed as though charles' conversation with his sister anastasia worked. it seemed as though she was really engaged in the conversation of remembering their father and all the fun times they had. however, it had truly been a long night for anastasia, taking all she could until the walls in her head shook and the windows broke. charles left his sister alone, retreating back to his childhood room, thinking he had possibly saved her, yet, he didn't think to check again after that night and he fell asleep. sure, he had a tight feeling in his chest but, he'd had that feeling since the day their papa died so by this point, charles was used to that pain. managing to get up and get on with it every passing day because, if he didn't do that, he would never be able to do it again. and he didn't want that. he had to be strong since he was the second eldest of enzo, himself, anastasia and arthur. he had to be the example for his younger sister and younger brother and also be brave and take care of their mother who had lost the love of her life. 

anastasia really wasn't coping well at all. i mean, who could blame the young girl, she had truly thought that her papa was invincible, i mean, what young child doesn't? she thought her papa was recovering better and that his cancer treatment was working. why didn't it work? why didn't that treatment keep her dad alive? it was supposed to keep him alive so why didn't it? 

anastasia was suddenly conflicted with emotions and started to become mad. woah. that's scary, she wasn't one to get mad nor was she one to run down the stairs to the beer fridge. grabbing her phone from the table with a beer in her hand, her hand hovered over one specific person in her phone contacts.  i want to phone you but it's far too late, it's been a long night

her finger was hovering over her papa's contact, wanting to phone him but she couldn't. she knew she couldn't. she had waited too late. anastasia wasn't at the monaco hospital when her papa passed away peacefully in the arms of his wife, pascale, their mother. the reason why anastasia wasn't at the hospital was that she wasn't even in monaco, let alone monte-carlo. she was in hawaii for college and got the unfortunate call that their father had died a few hours later. 

why didn't anastasia call him that very same day? she would have had the chance to hear her papa's voice one last time. she would have had the chance to say that she loved her papa one last time. she would have had the chance to say all that she wanted to say before she got the call from charles that changed the course of the rest of her life as she knew it. the news that caused anastasia's and the family's world to be halted to the roughest stop ever.  cha-cha

"anastasia leclerc, décroche ce putain de téléphone, je le jure devant dieu…" anastasia leclerc, pick up the fucking phone i swear to god

"...charlie? pourquoi diable tu m'appelles ? je suis en classe à l'université en ce moment!" charlie? why in the living fuck are you calling me? i'm in class at college right now

"tu… tu ne sais pas, alors, n'est-ce pas?" you...you don't know then do you?

"tu sais quoi, charlie ? qu'est-ce qui ne va pas? est-ce que papa va bien?" know what, charlie? what's wrong? is dad okay?

"alors…donc tu n'as vraiment aucune idée de ce qui s'est passé, ana?" so...so you really have no idea what's happened then, ana?

"charles marc hervé perceval leclerc, qu'est-ce qui se passe ? arthur est paniqué et essaie de me joindre, maman et enzo ont aussi essayé mais évidemment je n'ai pas répondu parce que je suis en classe. mais clairement, ce n'est pas quelque chose de bon, alors que s'est-il passé?" charles marc herve perceval leclerc, what the fuck is going on? arthur's in a panic trying to get a hold of me, mum and enzo also tried but obviously i didn't respond because i'm in class. but clearly it isn't something good so, what's happened?

"papa est parti, anastasia…" dad's gone, anastasia

"il est parti? que veux-tu dire par parti, charles ? a-t-il aimé s'enfuir? il ne peut pas courir, il est…" he's gone? what do you mean about gone, charles? has he like, run away? he can't run he's--

"--non, pas comme ça! anastasia, papa est mort…" no, not like that! anastasia, dad's dead

"papa…papa est mort? charlie, tu dois plaisanter? je ne suis littéralement même pas à la maison et il est juste mort? pourquoi ne m'a-t-il pas appelé ? pourquoi je ne l'ai pas appelé? comment? je…je ne peux pas quitter l'école, Charlie!" dad...dad's dead? charlie, you have to be joking? i'm literally not even home and he's just dead? why didn't he ring me? why didn't i ring him? how? i...i can't just leave school, charlie!

"je sais que ce n'est pas idéal, ana mais oui, tu peux quitter l'école. enzo a atterri il y a quelques heures et est maintenant en route. l'école a déjà été prévenue, quelques instants avant que je t'appelle." i know it's not ideal, ana but yes, you can leave school. enzo landed hours ago and is now on his way. the school has been told already, just moments before i called you

"mais attends, où es-tu alors charlie? est-ce qu'enzo sait au moins où se trouve mon dortoir spécifique?" but wait, where are you then charlie? does enzo even know where my specific dorm is?

"je suis avec maman à la maison, nous passons tous les appels téléphoniques et tout le reste. et oui, enzo connaît petit, il est plutôt confiant et il prendra le meilleur soin de toi, bien sûr qu'il le fera, il l'a promis et moi aussi!" i'm with mum back home, we're doing all the phone calls and everything else. and yes, enzo knows little one, he's pretty confident and he'll take the best care of you, of course he will, he promised and so do i!

"je sais qu'enzo prendra soin de moi, charlie. et c'est bien que tu sois à la maison avec maman et arthur mais est-ce qu'ils vont bien? et ça va, charlie?" i know enzo will take care of me, charlie. and that's good that you're home with mum and arthur but are they okay? and are you okay, charlie?

"moi non plus. maman est détruite, mon petit, elle l'a tenu pendant qu'il mourait, arthur est détruit aussi. et honnêtement, je ne sais pas mais je pense que je me sentirai mieux quand toi et enzo serez à la maison" i don't either. mum's destroyed, little one, she held him as he died, arthur's wrecked as well. and quite honestly, i don't know but i think i'll feel better when you and enzo are home

"ok, je te verrai bientôt alors ? je t'aime charlie, prends soin de maman et thuthur s'il te plaît" okay, i'll see you soon then? i love you charlie, take care of mum and thuthur please

"tu le feras et je t'aime aussi anastasia. et ne t'inquiète pas, je le ferai et toi et enzo prenez soin l'un de l'autre aussi, s'il vous plaît" you will and i love you too anastasia. and don't worry, i will and you and enzo take care of each other too, please

"nous le ferons charlie. je t'aime, au revoir" we will charlie. i love you, bye

"au revoir" bye

however, she didn't care. even after that flashback. at this point, she was raging and she just wanted to see what would happen if she did ring her papa's number. would it still be connected to him? would the number now be someone else's? would that potential person pick up the phone? what would happen if anastasia just, rings her papa's phone number? 

so she did.  papa

"...hey papa, it...it's anastasia. i know this is weird but i--" 

"--i'm-i'm sorry, but who is this?" 

anastasia froze at the strange female voice on the other end of the phone. that wasn't her papa's voice at all, not even her papa's voicemail voice that included her maman's interruption. it was a young girl, she sounded like she was maybe a year or two older than anastasia herself. and the girl sounded like she had a slight southern italian accent throughout her english speech. her beloved papa's number was no longer connected to her papa.  even more frustrated and upset, anastasia screamed out, shockingly not alerting anyone else in her family and threw her phone to the floor after hanging up the stranger's voice on the other end. before she fully left her phone to charge as she walked back up to her bedroom, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a small text from who she assumed was the young girl who had been given her papa's old phone number.  papa

i don't know who this is or what it is you're going through but, if you ever need someone to chat with, about anything, you can talk to me. i was given this new number because my old one got hacked by a crazy ex-boyfriend of mine. we don't even need to exchange names, we can just talk and remain strangers. i do hope you're okay and, i'm sorry that i wasn't your papa on the other end of the phone

so talk me down, talk me down, talk me down, talk me down

shortly after that phone situation, anastasia found her way back to her room and found herself falling asleep even though she would never be able to explain how. she didn't even remember changing into her pyjamas or how she slid herself into her bed. but, the next day she woke up, she had indeed gotten herself out of her clothes from the previous day and got herself into her pyjamas and then into the covers of her bed before falling asleep.  however, it was this day that the straw broke the camel's back and she couldn't deal with feeling this continuous grief all the time, every single day. she hated that she was still alive but her beloved papa wasn't. so, late at night, she decided that she'd drive to a bridge, wearing nothing but a crop top and her fluffy pyjama pants and a pair of socks.  cause we fought an endless war, 'til we forget what we were fighting for, now, we can't stop, but we can withdraw in the long night  the whole family saw what their papa and husband's cancer did to the family. they were always a strong, close-knit family but the strain it put on the family was still apparent. hence why no one seemed to notice that anastasia had gone out into the night to clearly end her life because she thought she couldn't do it without her papa alive.  as tears streamed down the young leclerc's face, the wind blowing through her hair and her face, she just sat on top of the bridge that overlooked the whole of monaco, her legs swinging against the side of the bridge that she sat on. with her phone in her hand, she contemplated ringing the number of the girl that was now connected to her papa's old number. but then, she knew she'd be told to get off the bridge and call for an ambulance. and she didn't want that, anastasia didn't want to be talked down, not really. if anything, she just wanted to have the feeling of being suicidal, to her, feeling this amount of grief was a whole new experience to her. it scared her that she was feeling this way every single day since losing her papa.   suddenly, the funeral for her papa went through her mind. she remembered that day as though it was yesterday.  anastasia sat in the front pew at a cathedral in monaco, her older brother charles on one side of her and their younger brother arthur on the other,lorenzo and pascale, on the other side of charles. she felt like she couldn't breathe, her chest felt heavy and she felt like she needed an escape route. she couldn't stay here. her heart was racing, her entire body was trembling. everyone's eyes and even some cameras outside of the church were on her and the rest of her family. she needed an out but she couldn't find one. 

charles' hand then left hers as he had gone up to the altar to say his eulogy whilst a photo slideshow of herve and his life played in the background. charles had barely started his eulogy when tears started, in a smart move, lorenzo had decided to go up alongside his younger brother to help him. and it truly was a good move because it didn't take long for the second eldest to get emotional and be in need of comfort. and it was at this point that anastasia really couldn't stay in this cathedral any longer. she couldn't deal with seeing her brother so uspet. so, she left, she got up and she left, her hand that was gripping arthur's left his grip and she left. she could tell this would break the hearts of her family, especially her maman's and charles' hearts. but, she just couldn't stomach staying in that goddamn church as she watched people she didn't even know cry and pay their respects to the man she and her brothers had known their whole lives.

it felt like an eternity when people started to filter out of the church and past the leclerc girl. giving her hugs and their condolences, she thanked each of them, some of the drivers that charles drove alongside even attending as they paid their respects as some of the very last people to leave the church. by the time the majority of the people had filtered out, there was only one person left that was obvious to anastasia that she hadn't yet seen leave. it was charles. taking a big breath in, anastasia pushed the church door open, closing it behind her and walked back to the front of the huge and holy place that had just held her papa's funeral where her brother was sitting down. his brown hair looked like a messy birds nest and as though it had been hiding away in someone's shoulder as he cried or as though he hadn't had any energy to properly style it for the funeral service at all.

softly tapping her brother's shoulder, anastasia squished to sit down next to her brother, "isn't maman waiting for you?" anastasia whispered, her voice hoarse from the crying she had spent doing in the foyer of the church privately 

charles cleared his throat, "no, she-uh, she's helping take care of thuthur alongside enzo..." charles trailed off as anastasia nodded her head

"...ahh, okay..." the brother and sister couldn't think of anything else to say since anastasia did get up and leave during charles' eulogy, though she could still hear it and, truthfully, it was the best part of the entire service

but unfortunately though, the moment anastasia did decide to get up and leave, charles managed to compose himself to look up from the floor to look at his younger sister, only to see that the very sister had up and left. anastasia knew that when charles saw that, it would have increased his grief because she had promised him that she'd be right there for him if he needed someone to focus on rather than their more than distraught mother and younger brother arthur. and, when he did look up to take comfort in his sister, she was gone but he could hear her close the door at the end of the middle aisle of the cathedral, where she had exited. 

after a few more beats of silence between the brother and sister, anastasia's shaky right hand slid across to charles' left hand. touching her brother's hand softly, she signalled to her brother that she needed his comfort and grabbed ahold of his hand. charles' heart broke and more tears that he had successfully fought off slipped down his cheeks as he immediately gripped his little sister's hand.

"charlie...i miss papa..." anastasia whimpered as charles tightened his grip on his little sister's hand

"...i miss him too, petit" charles sniffled as he then pulled his sister in for a hug and they both cried

they cried for as long as they needed to before they picked themselves up and walked out of the cathedral together.

so talk me down, talk me down, talk me down, talk me down. 

tears continued to stream down anastasia's face as she stood up on the bridge and looked down to the river and its lower floor embankment below her. she was just itching to slip and fall down. itching to just completely disintegrate and be killed instantly. she even imagined some nights that she did fall and stay asleep, of how her body would look if she did jump off of a bridge or off a hotel roof. or even the roof of her own family home that the family had been staying in since the death of their father. 

it sort of appealed to her, falling off of a building and having her body decapitated and all smashed up and bloody against the floor below. but then, she thought of the people she'd be leaving behind in the same way her papa left everyone behind. even then, she remembered that it wasn't necessarily her father's fault that he had left everyone behind. herve didn't want to die, not that she thought. her papa had no choice, his cancer had taken so much from his life that, he had no more fight left in him anymore. he was even too ill to fly over to watch charles' f2 races. but, anastasia did have a choice. and does her choice to kill herself align with her papa's death not being his choice? it didn't but, anastasia didn't think that logically. she didn't want to think logically. 

so, just as she went to jump off, she slipped and tried to grab the closest thing to her. which, strangely enough, was a broken piece of a community bench. it steadied her and stopped her from falling or anything but, she then had the thought of having a "test throw" before she would throw herself off to see what it would look like. so she did just that, throwing the piece of broken community bench off the bridge, she watched as it hit the side of the second-level embankment before it broke into teeny tiny little pieces as it then splattered into the ever so shallow river waters below. 

her eyes widened in excitement as she watched how the already broken community bench broke even more and into tinier pieces than it was before. she loved how the bench broke as it hit the edge of the embankment and then the shallow waters below that. 

she was moments from jumping and hoping for her body to end up in the same teeny tiny pieces that the community bench had been when all of a sudden, she slipped and just before she blacked out, she heard the one voice that she was hoping she wouldn't hear during her suicide attempt. charles had found her and had called the emergency services for an ambulance to take his little sister to the hospital, worried that she was going to commit suicide. and, wasn't he grateful that he actually didn't completely ignore that god-awful feeling in his chest and actually listened to it? 

the light flashed and i thought i'd died, my life passed before my eyes, it went too fast for the love i feel inside. 

charles had never been more grateful in his life until this moment where he managed getting to that goddamn bridge on time. before his sister had seriously decided to jump off of it. whilst it horrified him when she tripped and fell, hitting her head, he was just grateful he wouldn't have to see her dead and decapitated on the bottom of the bridge's embankment near the river's edge. in which he could then see the even more broken community bench that she had thrown over the edge moments before she went to throw her own self off. anastasia had concussed herself due to the fall and blacked out because when she did trip and fall, she had fallen off the first level of the bridge and onto the embankment hitting her head, cracking it open. she was so very lucky that charles had even called for the ambulance and had gone out to look for her otherwise she wouldn't be in this ambulance on the way to the princess grace hospital and it's high-rish mental health facility since it was clear that she had just attempted to kill herself.

it seemed as though anastasia's life had flashed right before her eyes. in a bright light as she blacked out after she had fallen. it had gone too fast for the love she still felt inside of her body. maybe she actually didn't want to die. maybe she just wanted to feel something. maybe she just wanted to for once, just give in to those thoughts she had been having about actually hurting herself. and she did feel something and it scared her. she never wanted to feel like this again. so, in hindsight, she was going to forever be indebted to charles for realising that she was missing and going out to look for her as well as calling an ambulance for her.  "...come on mon petit ange my little angel, we're nearly at the hospital, it's going to be okay," anastasia could just faintly hear the voice and she smiled, knowing that charles hadn't left her and was in the ambulance with her  holding his sister's hand the same way he did at their papa's funeral, charles only hoped that their papa wouldn't let anastasia stay up there. wherever he was, with him when she was still needed with charles and the rest of the family. anastasia was way too young to be taken away in this way, especially because she was struggling with the loss of their papa. all she needed was help and some clarity. she didn't need to jump off a bridge to see her papa again or to be happy again. she needed to stay alive to be happy. she needed to be talked down. 

so talk me down, talk me down, talk me down, talk me down anastasia couldn't bear to face anyone who decided to show face in her hospital room as she had been put on mental health watch for 72 hours. she was so ashamed that she even attempted to kill herself and only ended up stupidly tripping over and hitting her head. how pathetic was that? she couldn't even kill herself properly. so how on earth could she look in the eyes of the people she loved and cared about and who loved and cared about her? she just simply didn't. that was until charles had come in and gently forced her to talk to him. 

"...anastasia, i know you're not sleeping, mon ange. stop pretending and talk to me," charles spoke up, sitting in the seat that was situated next to his sister's bed not pleased with the fact that she was trying to pretend to be asleep

anastasia groaned, knowing charles wouldn't allow it and, she turned back around to face her brother, "what do we talk about, charlie? what i did is unacceptable and it's unbelievably stupid so, just tell me off for being a fucking idiot and leave me alone, alright?!" the girl slightly raised her voice as charles softly breathed out and shook his head, reaching out for his sister's hand 

"i'm not going to call you a fucking idiot or leave you alone, alright? because that's not my job to tell you that or to leave you when you're this vulnerable! the reason you did what you did was because you didn't know what else to do and, in that moment, that's the thing you thought was the correct thing to do. sure, i'm glad you tripped and got concussed because, it means i didn't have to watch my little sister fall an extra level and either drown herself in the river or watch you bleed to death in that water. but i am upset that it even had to come to this with you in the hospital," charles explained as anastasia's entire face and body relaxed as she made eye contact with her brother, sure, she was sure she looked like hell but, so did charles

"you are? you're actually glad that i'm...still here?" anastasia trailed off as charles looked at his sister as though she had five heads

"now you're being a fucking idiot *tearful laughter* what a stupid question that is, anastasia! of course i'm glad that you're still here! you're my little sister, there is no way that i'd not want you here," charles smiled as anastasia nodded her head, starting to believe her older brother piece by piece 

"i'm glad i'm here as well," anastasia whispered as she scooched closer to her older brother who smiled at her

down, down, down

anastasia felt like she was falling down and wouldn't ever be able to land on solid ground. her mind was a mess and she thought she'd never be able to unravel the mess that was her mind. she was falling, not like the epic falls from buildings like in the movies, she was falling like she was slipping and falling to her death. 

every time she closed her eyes, she'd have the same nightmare every single time. and that was her slipping off the bridge, completely missing the embankment where she actually landed and fell the full three storeys and died as she bled to death on the wet ground of the river below her. and usually in this nightmare, she'd be met with complete darkness, however this time, she was met with a white light that nearly blinded her when she stood up, only to see a figure standing still. 

confused, anastasia stood up and, with her hand covering her face, she moved towards the figure of whom was being almost covered by the light making the figure hard to make out who it was to the young leclerc.

"...hello? who are you?" anastasia questioned worriedly as she moved closer with hesitance to the figure in front of her 

the person then turned around and anastasia nearly fell to the ground. tears welled in her eyes and a smile formed on her face. the person was her father, herve leclerc. and he looked healthy. he didn't look sick at all.

"papa?" anastasia whimpered, the biggest smile on her face as the figure nodded their head, confirming to her that it was indeed her father in front of her 

"oui, anastasia, it's me, your papa," herve responded as anastasia ran over, her hand moving away from her face and in front of her as she opened her arms to hug him 

"papa!" anastasia squealed as she ran to the figure that was surprisingly solid and she could actually hug, it wasn't just a bright light hologram situation 

"hello mon petit ange, what are you doing here? you're too young to be here with me," herve scolded towards the end, a crinkled face in conjunction with his statement as anastasia turned her face to the ground 

"i...i'm sorry papa, i just, i didn't want to survive another day without you in it. i didn't know how to live without you which sounds stupid because maman's doing brilliantly, as are enzo, charlie and thuthur but, i just, i--" cutting off his daughter, herve smiled and shook his head before speaking up 

"--stop anastasia, i'm not mad nor am i disappointed. as charles explained earlier, you were only doing what you thought was the right thing to do. you thought jumping off of that bridge was the smartest idea because that's what you were being told it was. you're grieving, darling girl and it's okay to cry and feel down. but it is okay to ask your family for help. you are so lucky that charles noticed something wasn't right and noticed you had run off and went off to find you and then called the ambulance. and you are just as lucky that even though you did trip and concuss yourself, cutting your head open, you are lucky you survived and didn't fall any further than that second-level embankment. if charles and that ambulance came seconds too late, you may have just tried to get up on your own and then stumbled and fallen again due to your concussion and then, who knows. you may have fallen into that river down below and just imagine what that would have looked like for charles and those paramedics that were just seconds too late... i know i'm so glad that your brother and those paramedics weren't any later than they needed to be because i don't want to see any of my children up here with me until you guys are either my age or older, okay?" herve explained as anastasia nodded her head and realised just how lucky she truly was to have survived her suicide attempt

"okay, you won't see me again after this encounter, i promise!" anastasia joked as herve laughed as he nodded his head 

"that's good because you aren't sick like i was, darling. you are perfectly healthy and you have so much more life to give and to live for. whereas i had lived the majority of my life, i got married to the love of my life and i helped give your mother the best gifts we could have ever created and that was our children," herve smiled, holding his daughter's hand as anastasia nodded her head and smiled 

the father and daughter spent more precious time together before her father's light began to dim, causing anastasia to freak out. 

"papa what...what's going on? your light, it-it's fading!" anastasia squealed as herve chuckled as he took a breath in before speaking up again 

"it means my designated time with you is almost over and i'll be required to go back," herve smiled softly as anastasia tilted her head 

"and i'll have to wake up again?" anastasia muttered as herve nodded his head 

"yes mon petit ange, you'll have to wake up again because there are people that charles' invited in to see you who have been, no pun intended, dying to see you," herve and his daughter chuckled as the girl nodded her head in sadness 

"well, can i just ask you one last question before you leave then, papa?" anastasia questioned as she noticed the light was fading even quicker now as herve nodded his head 

"of course, you can mon ange, ask away," herve smiled as tears welled in his daughter's eyes 

"please keep us all safe? especially charlie and thuthur when they're racing. it's so scary and i don't want them to get hurt. please, watch over them..." anastasia cried as herve smiled sweetly and nodded his head 

"of course, i can mon petit. it's always been my job to make sure you kids were safe. i'm everywhere mi amor, i promise. i love you mon petit but, i have to go now. i'll see you soon..." herve trailed off as he faded away and anastasia wished she had five more minutes but was grateful she even had this opportunity 

"...i love you more, papa..." anastasia trailed off with a smile and tears down her cheeks as she waved off the light that was now gone 

"...anastasia, thuthur, max and pierre have visited, do they have permission to come in?" anastasia smiled as she woke up to see charles in front of her

nodding her head and sitting up in her bed, anastasia was grateful that her papa was correct in who had come in to visit her, "of course they have permission, charlie, it's not like they aren't strangers to me!" anastasia giggled which shocked charles, whatever that dream was that she just woke up from seemed to do something to his sister and it worked 

"okay, i was just asking to make sure," charles laughed as he opened the door to let in arthur, max and pierre

full of excitement, she managed to have enough strength to hold her arms up and hug all three teenagers. whereas the first and second days, since it was finally her last day in hospital before being discharged, she was in too much pain mixed with way too much pain medication making her unable to even hold her arms up properly.

"hello, little leclerc!" pierre cheered as he hugged the girl as anastasia chuckled at his excitement 

"hello, gasly!" anastasia teased as they released out of the hug as she then hugged arthur

arthur smiled and gave his older sister a much less gentle hug before max, similar to pierre, attacked anastasia. laughter then filled the leclerc girl's hospital room as the five just hung out together and just talked about things. 

max then asked the one question that was on everyone's lips, "...anastasia, in all seriousness, how are you feeling?" anastasia smiled with sincerity before responding 

"i'm doing a lot better, max, thanks for asking," anastasia responded with truth as that seemed to really take the lads, all four of them, by surprise 

"seriously?" charles questioned, wanting to make sure his sister wasn't putting an act up in front of their younger brother and best friends as anastasia smiled 

"i'm the most serious i've ever been in my life, charlie, i'm actually doing so much better than i was two days ago," anastasia smiled and it only seemed as though charles couldn't do anything else but believe his sister 

"that's amazing to hear, anastasia. it truly is, you deserve to be happy forever," charles whispered at the end as anastasia nodded her head 

"i know i do, that's why i stayed," anastasia smiled as she reached for her brother's hand, squeezing it when he had grabbed it 

"we're glad you stayed, all of us," arthur then spoke up as anastasia smiled over at her two brothers, pierre and max 

anastasia couldn't find anything else to say since the lads just seemed to take over for the whole time. however, it suddenly became the time that anastasia would be discharged from the hospital and allowed to go back home. so, after getting signed out by herself and charles, since he was the one to take her back home to their family home to the rest of the family, they then left. the other three lads, arthur, max and pierre, leaving an hour beforehand. 

lay your head near mine, tell me that it's all fine, love me while there's still time.  by the time the leclerc siblings returned home, it was so late at night and the only ones awake in the house that, they decided to waddle over to the couch that still had pillows and blankets all strewn over it. which showed that there was some sort of family movie night and situated themselves comfortably before turning on the tv for themselves. 

letting his sister pick the movie herself, charles sighed with contentment as he messaged maman, letting her know that both he and anastasia had returned home safely. when anastasia had finally found the perfect movie for them to watch, she sat down next to charles. 

however, she was worried she had sat way too close. so, she started to slightly move away, thinking he may need space from her. especially when it was considered that he had just spent the last seventy-two hours in the teeny hospital room with her that he may need his own space. however, charles didn't even dare let his sister move that far away from him before he pulled her closer to him.

"...what are you doing, charlie? don't you need some space?" anastasia squealed out, hoping that she didn't just wake up the entire house as charles chuckled 

shaking his head, charles spoke up, "absolutely not anastasia. lay your head near mine, it's been a long night and whilst you're out of the hospital, you still need to rest and i'd rather you fall asleep on me then on the couch," charles explained, patting his shoulder or his lap as the two places for kayeleigh to choose to fall asleep on, knowing that they'd fall asleep doing the movie and not make it upstairs to their rooms in time 

anastasia smiled at her brother as she chose her brother's lap as she then stretched herself out along the couch and snuggled close as the movie started to play in front of her. charles smiled as well as he held his sister close to him, his sister that was alive and was never going to hurt herself ever again. because this time, she knew she could ask for help anytime she felt upset over the death of their papa. knowing that she had more places to turn to rather than running to that bridge, she felt content as the fun, eccentric and colourful movie that would have for sure been a movie that their papa would have made the siblings watch as children played in front of her. 

it's been a long night. 

fin

rewriting this and reworking this for charles was so insane but i am so glad it is finally finished because i legit forgot about it so my bad homies! did not mean to forget about this rewrite but i'm just glad i thought to even go into my drafts and see what was in there because i'm glad to finally have this out. even though it seems like i'm targeting poor charles recently now that i have a new sad charles request come in that i'll start writing soon but, i'm not meaning to! but in saying that, if anyone has a request for the drivers that only have like one or two one-shots, maybe request for them because i legit don't know what to do for them lol! ok bye, i love you and now i gotta go to bed cause i have an early start tomorrow!!

[uh-leck-see]

E.R. "Going Home"

[lovsome]

am i so hard to care about?

[always-me-meha]

Trigger warning^^^^^^

Soooo I had an attempt yesterday.... I took all my meds to a private spot to do the deed but my friend came and got me. Just letting everyone know I'm okay .

Funny thing is, there were a couple people catching bugs or something. Lol so they would've found me anyway #fail .