#trauma doesn't disappear

[nabi-unveiled]

With each rewatch of When It Rains, It Pours, I had become increasingly uncomfortable. A question had begun to plague me.

How did I miss it?

It's no secret that I've been in the "don't trust Fujisawa" camp for a while. But I felt bad for him during the early episodes. After all, it really is a nightmare situation for him too. Why did it take me until my THIRD watch of ep4 to fully convince myself of Fujisawa's nature?

Missing sounds? Not a surprise.

But COMPLETELY missing something that's literally GLARING at me? Not even having it on my radar? That's unusual.

I always have multiple theories and numerous potential scenarios running in my head. It's not like I was watching this series casually.

And make no mistake - the man's been glaring since episode 1. It wasn't constant, but the glaring is not a new development.

Even Fujisawa's words have never been subtle.

So how did I miss it? Why did it take me so long?

I realized the answer yesterday, and I don't like it.

I missed the signs, because I was trained to miss them.

I see these dynamics all the time in my community. And when you see something all the time, you begin to notice it less.

Being uncomfortable with sex?

Growing up ensconced in purity culture means I know A LOT of people with very complex relationships with sex.

Some want it but would NEVER dare talk about it.

Some see it as something shameful.

Some see it as something to be feared.

It's what happens when you're constantly told libido is a swamp.

So this...

I didn't see it as a problem beyond them wanting different things. Either Fujisawa was ace or had issues with sex. He had been open about it with Sei, and he was doing the best he could.

This is fine as long as both parties are content. But Fujisawa is controlling and manipulative. Note the "bars" in the picture above.

Matching your partner's preferences?

I was taught catering to my partner's commands was an expectation. It was required to be a "good" partner. So this....

At one point WAS me. And even if I don't obey the rules anymore, I still see this type of "consideration" in most relationships around me.

IT'S NOT HEALTHY.

Consideration should not mean self-sacrifice.

At one point I thought, "Well, it's Sei's choice."

And that's true. But I know better than to fall for that logic.

It ignores his trauma.

It ignores his low self-esteem.

It ignores his fear of being left alone.

It ignores the difficulty of leaving those you care about and the life you know.

It ignores the manipulation.

Because this type of statement? It's tricky. It can be completely innocuous. But it can also be controlling, and a lot of that comes down to the power dynamics of the relationship.

Fujisawa holds the power here. He HAS been controlling and trying to manipulate Sei. I questioned last week what the purpose was of the editor if Fujisawa wasn't having an affair. However, it became clear when watching for the sizzle. Sei says he will go to the party and Fujisawa IMMEDIATELY says "I'll introduce you to my editor."

The unspoken words are if you don't go to the party. Mentioning the editor was a manipulation tactic. A subtle one, but it was there.

I give Sei credit. He went to the party. He kept emailing Hagiwara. He pushes back on occasion. He doesn't always follow commands.

But well.... damn.

I thought I could at least recognize when my raising was influencing interpretations. I thought I had worked through those issues.

So thanks When it Rains for reminding me not to forget my ID.

I sure as hell don't plan on getting trapped in that room again.

Break out Sei. It's not easy, but BREAK OUT.

There's a beautiful world waiting.

[nelkcats]

Vengeful Knight

When Danny moved to Gotham he didn't think that would be a problem, his rogues agreed to let him go (or at least, most of them) and it was a good opportunity to get his college degree.

Of course, you can't spend your whole life with ghosts without getting attached to them or having them getting attached to you. Although most of them had promised, Danny was well aware that not all of them were going to keep that promise.

A good example was Fright Knight, who instead of staying in the Realms decided to move in with him and provide additional "protection"; the halfa figured it made sense, since he was now "heir" or whatever, he was just setting him back a few years.

Fright Knight took his job very seriously, mostly hiding in Danny's shadow and keeping watch. That was fine until the halfa got caught in a rogue attack in Gotham and inevitably, Frighty decided to do his job and press a sword down their throats.

Danny escaped from there soon after, but this trend continued to happen (rogues, muggers, even cops, anything "dangerous" ended up with a sword around his neck).

When he read in the Gotham newspaper about the "spirit of a knight" and "Gotham's recent problem with nightmares" he knew he had to do something about it. He was almost certain that people were going to consider him a vigilante or worse, a bat.

Besides, the nightmare dimension was getting pretty crowded and Danny didn't want to be part of the trauma of half the population in Gotham.

[calcified-fluorited]

thinking abt how the writers fumbled caitlyn and vi in s2, there were so many dynamics and baggage they could have explored but it never was because the writers chickened out on atcually framing cait as having done seriously bad things and that vi might have attachment problems due to her background

[torchstelechos]

My "Siffrin deeply cares for and wants to protect Bonnie because no one did so for him when he was their age, because I think he ran away at their age and it's one of the reasons he tries to treat them as he wished he was treated" propaganda is working >:3

[franceblr]

thinking about the fact that despite modern au Zuko being in therapy for his CPTSD and having made a lot of progress, growing little by little into his kind and compassionate side, some days he's still an utter mess. Thinking about how Zuko is fair and level-headed and yet sometimes his most animalistic and irrational side takes control and locks adult Zuko up in a pantry, while it rages and destroys everything he's built for himself. Thinking about the uglier sides of his trauma, those that he usually bottles up and suppresses until he inevitably can't anymore. Thinking about Zuko going through cycles of impatience, selective mutism, touchiness, defensiveness, starting fights with Sokka for seemingly no reason. Thinking about Zuko being mulish, selfish and unfair, mad with anger and grief like a rabid dog. Thinking about Zuko pushing Sokka away, and Sokka feeling so tired, hurt, rejected, angry and guilty, but not leaving because his love for Zuko is unwavering and he knows Zuko is tearing into him out of sheer desperation. Thinking about how painful it is for Sokka to see Zuko back himself into a corner and hurt himself and those he loves most. Thinking about how Sokka is the only one who possesses the required balance of patience and strictness, putting up boundaries and holding Zuko accountable and yet forgiving him when he eventually comes back around and manages to calm down the angry animal in him. How Sokka is the only one with the self-restraint to not mirror Zuko's aggression and not yell back because he knows Zuko will have a panic attack if he does. Thinking about Sokka's endless love and grace in seeing the worst parts of Zuko and giving them space to exist, and still patiently coaxing out of him the better ones that are kind, responsible, brilliant and forgiving.

Thinking about how brave and strong Zuko is, until he's hit by the cycles where Zuko isn't hostile and irritable, but scared. The phases where he's always sweaty and anxious, waking up with shaky hands and a tight chest. The 2 am mornings when Sokka has to physically keep Zuko from getting up and obsessively checking the door locks for the 6th time because even if Ozai is in jail, Zuko is sure that he'll get out and kill him. The days when Zuko is absent and yet hyperaware, easily startled by noises, incapable of eating or sitting down or doing anything at all that isn't waiting for something horrible to happen; when his muscles are tense and his jaw is clenched so tightly he ends up with a migraine, the pulsing in his temple making him cry as he throws up in the toilet. The phases where he's scared like a child and it's irrational and he feels so pathetic and ashamed but his entire body is paralyzed with fear and he shakes with adrenaline for days, barely able to function. Thinking about the times when Zuko is jumpy and easily triggered and stressed more than usual, and he tries so hard to hide it and pretend like everything's fine, but Sokka knows and misses his snarky and sexy boyfriend who's capable and smart and doesn't walk around the house with bleeding nailbeds like an anxious ghost. And yet Sokka holds his face and promises to him that he's safe and loved and protected and Sokka will never ever let anyone hurt Zuko ever again, he swears, because he loves him, he loves him so much, and repeats the same 5 or 6 simple sentences in hopes they will etch themselves in Zuko's brain and give him some relief from the terrors of his past.

Thinking about Zuko being aware that he's spiralling and not being able to take back control and prevent his self-destructive tendencies from hurting Sokka and Uncle and his friends, and feeling so ashamed and remorseful and weak. Thinking about Sokka being aware that Zuko's actions aren't a matter of poor self-restraint and nastiness, and recognizing that sometimes Zuko just isn't able to help it, and needs a hand. And so Sokka steps in and takes the lead, showing Zuko that he's loved even when he fucks up.

[giddydelphiresearcher]

Scalpel and gel working, along with guidelines for both incisions and excisions! With this there's now 4 tools, so my next step will be to implement the tool wheel for smoother tool switching. Also, the scalpel's collision detection can skip over things if you move it too fast. Gotta fix that tomorrow.

[opossumbyknight]

did karaoke at a bar for the first time last night and literally had my dream scenario happen somehow

[mea-trinitas-profana]

something im just Thinking About at 10pm. since its confirmed that the clinic is in fact a midwife clinic and Not an abortion clinic, i wonder why the baby doll amy receives makes her feel such guilt. Is she perhaps a little more aware of what Gary is using those babies for than most people assume

[twicecut]

gosh, wow, actually. i know it's so obvious because clearly that's one of the big reasons diego was so furious at viktor for publishing extra ordinary but how INSANE would it be to know that anyone--friends, coworkers, exes, partners, strangers--literally anyone in then entire world with the right access could pick up a book and read several hundred pages detailing everything about you and your family.

diego is such a private person. he has a really high eq, all things considered, but when it comes to being vulnerable, he struggles because he has to be tough, he has to protect, he has to be a hero... and now there's this book where anyone and their mother can read about his trauma? his severe childhood stutter? his petty squabbles with luther? his anger issues? the inhumane experiments performed on him by their own father?

never mind that the book undoubtedly also talks about ben's death, which was the catalyst for diego leaving home in the first place. that's wildly personal and not something that i think diego would want anyone to know, maybe even less than his childhood tantrums or bed wetting or whatever other embarrassing thing viktor could possibly tell the world.

i'm sure there's some nice things in there about all of the siblings, but none of that would matter. the damage was done the second viktor decided to tell all their secrets without consulting them.

the exposé must have felt like ripping open an old wound for diego. i can totally see why he'd be so furious with v. i would be too lol.

[runawayfuture]

concept art for my AU where the church lets House Gautier hold on to the dragon sign in case they didn't have a kid with a Crest and so Miklan doesn't get kicked out and he loves his little brother and everything is Fine Actually

[unpopularly-opinionated]

Y'all, to people who haven't seen this show, I'm gonna sound like your average "coomer" anime nerd but I swear to god I have never seen legit tender love and affection shown in anime before these past few episodes of Mushoku Tensei. Like this is the first time I've seen an anime girl take her clothes off and it genuinely didn't feel like blatant fan service or comedic relief at all. Just pure romance.

10/10, y'all do yourselves a favor and watch it.

[nabi-unveiled]

PSA: Ghosting is cruel.

All of this discussion about Fadel's ex...

....ended up triggering a rewatch of My Dating Sim.

And after rewatching this scene, it no longer matters to me why Fadel didn't search.

In the THK narrative, what actually matters is that Style has consistently kept reassuring Fadel over and over again that he's not leaving. That's the point. That's the whole story.

Because ghosting leaves deep scars no matter the circumstances.

[snowstories]

[Timmy Turner voice] I wish every Links Meet AU that uses Marin as a phantom to haunt and traumatize Link goes to hell no matter what

[nighthire-a]

sometimes i think about how much of mike's dreams are based in reality and how much his brain has changed over the years to protect him from even further trauma

[cyprinella]

That thing where you look at your reading habits and realize shit about yourself. >:(

[quietzap]

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