#trauma doesn’t make you stronger it makes you write things realistically (for me anyways)

[serrennedyanonwriter]

My friend, proofreading something: Wow, you write Luis getting persuaded into the cult so well, it’s almost like you seen it firsthand.

Me: Oh thank you.

Also me: They don’t know, do they?

[roguestarsailor]

You know what since we’re still in quarantine and i have nothing else better to do, i need to obsess over ACOTAR. I don't like a court of frost and starlight. For the longest time I couldn't figure out why I didn't like it. I aggressively read the book in maybe a day and I closed it feeling frustrated and annoyed. My version had A Court of Silver Flames preview so that definitely contributed to my annoyance greatly.

It's because it felt too perfect. Everything that had happened -- after the entire war was fought and won, they just go back to their normal lives? Yes there were hiccups and yes there were still aspects that made every IC character feel like their problems aren’t solved yet...but it didnt feel right. yes i enjoyed the snowball fight between the bat boys, feyre + rhys sexy time, and those little comfort moments too, the slice of life type things and seeing feyre accomplishing her goals and how hopeful the future seems BUT its too fast. the good parts of the book did not offset the bad parts of it.

Feyre literally accomplished pretty much every single goal she made back in ACOMAF just like that?? within a span of what a few months? a year?? She really came back from an entire war -- probably the first war of many since she's immortal and just like that, after her 21st birthday: she gets a whole entire estate, wants to start poppin babies, opens her art studio and starts teaching kids and then acting like she can rule an entire court?? the timeline is sooo short esp since its been brought up over and over again how everyone is literally 500 years old and have a super “messy” history and their changes seems to come super dupe slowly. but feyre, who has only lived 0.000000002% of her fae life, is out here thriving just fine???

the war devastated thousands of illyrian soldiers where its changing the politics of the illyrains and the faes, all of whom feyre has responsibilities over too as high lady. the mortal queens are still at large who left the humans on prythian to die which is why feyre was willing to go to war in the first place! what about the rest of hybern and their land and residents?? they wanted to enslave humans for social and economical reasons! then what about integrating humans w deep hatred and fear with deeply prejudice fae??? there’s also spring and summer court who are literally in ruins. thats literally so much. so idk how feyre is just chillin???? she gonna let rhys do all the hard work???

like feyre sit down. u should not be having a baby. esp since it took u literally a 700 pages to heal from those 3 months UTM. ur telling me shes gonna whole heartedly bring in a newborn in a war devastated world, with civil unrest (illyrains, other courts), with the messiness of human and fae integration, with trauma u and rhys will have to continue to overcome esp after THIS war??? even helping ur sisters w their traumas??

this is a personal opinion on this subject (and maybe my thoughts will change on this later on; opened to other thoughts) but when i read the part about how that weaver/seamstress artist who made that dark quilt that feyre loved talked about how her mate of 300 years didn’t come back from the war and her biggest regret was that she didnt have a kid to remember him by i just thought ur kid isn’t some sort of memorabilia. don’t have a kid to keep the memory of ur mate alive; have a kid cuz u want a kid purely for the sake of having a kid. ur memories and photos and shit will keep their memory alive but its not having a kid. some primitive need to keep the genes alive maybe?? but the way it was phrased and then in turn how feyre was like oh i need  a baby pronto cuz rhys might die in the next war and regret not having a kid with him didn’t sit right with me. also the other couple were together for +300 years and have a rich life together, while shes been with rhys for literally two years THATS NOTHING IN FAE YEARS. thats still the honeymoon phase and also ur problems arent even close to being over!!!

everyone was shitty to nesta. in ACOMAF, we saw how much the IC went through and still did all they could to help feyre. what made them not think nesta deserve the same welcome? nesta is mean as a defense but did no one try to figure out what would help (amren got close but shes so under developed)??? feyre knows nesta feels too much and yet she continued to be shitty. continued to flaunt her wealth, her status, her familiarity/borderline know-it-all attitude about fae/night court, her ~estate~. forcing nest to the solstice party when nesta was literally like i dont belong, im looking at everyone through a window type of thing; the fire cracking triggering her, etc. what kind of power play was that when she made nesta come to her estate, where nesta could SEE how ~homey~ and how suscessful feyre is and fully see all the lovely paintings of everyone feyre loves that explicitly exclude her to tell her to fuck off to a war camp?? bro???? cas was a dick too and elaine was rude. i think a lot of his actions were meant to make her angry since anger keeps u fighting (as was the method of rhys for feyre in ACOMAF) but what he said was stupidly shitty and i demand that he apologize properly. elaine could have done more to help her sister but whatever. mor was definitely an ass too (and im upset for how little her character growth is). 

Lucein. that man can’t catch a break tbh. im happy that hes w the band of exiles cuz he is whole heartedly accepted there. feyre was definitely an asshole to him even tho he helped as much as he could throughout the books. he tries so hard w elaine as well and it did hit my heart a bit when she was like gloves to work in my garden?? no ?? i use my bare hands see oNly aZiReL sEeS mE fOr WhO i Am. and at the same feyre is like flaunting her mate status to lucein which is mean as shit. its like this man can’t find love in prythain. then tamlin sending him his box of his things??? thats for sure brutral. tam was literally his partner through it all; savior of sorts even. no love from IC, no love from elaine, no love from feyre, no love from tamlin, no love from autumn court rejected everywhere! also HIS TRUE FATHER?? HEllo??? 

then on tamlin. i pity the guy! was i suppose to feel that way??? it felt like he is allowed to get a redemption arc and maybe i’ll even root for a redemption arc??? i was absolutely excited for freysand in ACOMAF but after ACOFAS, im like tamlin is....not completely bad??? his relationship w feyre was bad and the controlling parts were very much a no-no. i dont truly understand the dynamics of an abusive relationship but i can understand that it can be insidious and its the little things that hurt the victim. and i felt  feyre through ACOMAF and rooted for her to escape her abuser! but then it felt like i dont think he was doing any of those things out of malice. ill say tamlin is a bad leader and doesn’t know how to run a court outside of what he sees his father do. his understanding on everything is based on the traditions of the past which i think fueled most of the things he did i.e. not telling feyre she was in danger since maybe his mom didn’t do those war planning things. ACOTAR showed how he truly cared/loved and took good care of feyre and her family. he even talked about how he didn’t believe in the enslavement of humans! i think that tam wanted to preserve what he thought was the good (aka feyre + her love of painting) and get back a sense of control that he and his entire court lost while chained to amarantha. but at the same time, i think he truly thought feyre wasn’t safe. he knows rhys can crush minds and knows feyre can’t read/write so when he got that letter telling him shes safe of course hes gonna flip shit and made a deal w the devil (although those temper outbursts were DEFINITIVELY not ok!!!). he also didn’t listen and has sense of he knows best when feyre was not the type of person. but feyre destroyed his entire court. he lost all his sentries who literally went out to die for him during amarantha’s reign. he lost lucien too; his trusted right hand man. his people were cursed for 50 years and then continued to suffer UTM and was in the process of rebuilding too!  but just seeing spring court, WHO BORDERS THE HUMANS, be in ruins where his subjects left him, his people left him and hes all alone in the manson?? that was sooo sad. so im like why does what feyre did not feel satisfactory????? im mad that it didn’t feel right??? maybe there wasn’t a point where feyre talked to tamlin -- like really talked to him esp w her new found voice and power, etc. anyways, i dont hate tamlin and was like oh shit i think feyre fucked up a bit there.

rhys is a dick to nesta. which made me think, if feyre wasn’t his mate would he extend the same love and care to her???  i loved how he tried so hard to make sure feyre was ok. made sure she wasn’t breaking! all of it! but for nesta, he had the audacity to use his high lord voice and be an ass overall. even tho he can see how cas is fucken in love??? even just how he talks to cass feels off too. 

i’ll even go as far as to say because of how terrible ACOFAS was, it created this intense divide within the fandom. i remember reading the first three books and was absolutely 1) rooting for freysand  2) curious about the sister relationship and how it will be mended 3) i definitely didn’t hate nesta nor did i hate elaine either -- but i was adament about them talking it out with feyre for those tough times 4) saw a more realistic and charming healing arc 5) was rooting for feyre to be a stronger voice and grow into herself 6) love the dynamic of the inner circle + feyre

but after ACOFAS, I have this intense need to defend nesta and was super mad at how she was treated after the war and in turn a deep dislike for elaine for both her lack of agency, lack of grit that made all the other characters interesting, and lack of care for her sisters (who showed how much they would risk for her). i dont hate rhys but i was extremely not happy with him and his attitude and behavior. feyre became more arrogant and was acting like how asshole rhysand would act. like her life is perfect now and i was not rooting for her anymore. freysand didn’t feel like they have complimenting qualities that made them interesting in the first place but rather they are merging to become the same person but in a bad way. that mind reading thing was cute in the beginning but it became insufferable since all thoughts were shared so seamlessly it made reading feel weird. 

anyways those are my thoughts on ACOFAS. it was a 1/5 stars for me and im mad those events transpired. reading the other books made me excited to know what was gonna happen and i was truly ready to accept the characters as flawed and nuanced as they are. im not mad about character not liking each other but i am mad that everything felt off. ACOFAS just felt regressive in some parts and forced in other parts. i know not everything ends in a nice tied up bow but this book single handily ruined what i thought about these characters in the worse way possible. this book wasn’t suppose to wrap up all the problems that exists in the other books but it didn’t feel hopeful like i thought it would. it didn’t feel wrapped up and didn’t feel like i should be excited about the next books. theres so many missing pieces i feel that i think need explaining and at the same time, i think it introduced too many problems at once which made it feel like its jumping around everywhere. although im still excited for ACOSF because i love nesta, and nesta deserves so much better and i want to have hope that this bad ending will either make sense later on or it was just a blimp.

[mrsfrecklesmarauders]

Important announcement!

Hello everyone. I just need to give a quick announcement. Over the last few weeks. I've not been feeling very well mentally, physically, emotionally and creatively. The Harry Potter fandom, Especially The Marauders fandom, has been a very important part of my life. One of the things that made me really happy. I've discovered my passion for writing and creating content as well as reading fanfics and Headcanons because of this fandom. Therefore I created this space to share my work and opinions. And I am forever grateful that it had grown so fast and built into a community. I have some friends that I met through this fandom with whom I speak almost every day. And I had fun.

But lately I have not been feeling well. And now not even this fandom makes me feel happy. Not as it used to. In fact, it makes me feel worse.

Firstly, is the thing about the author JKR who is a TERF and terrible person. And I've been trying to separate her from her work. And change many things and create my own Headcanons. But somehow the guilt of being a fan of HER stories, is stronger. There's always that guilt.

Secondly is the fact that JKR's work has many mistakes and inconsistences. And I understand. She is human and allowed to make mistakes. But with these mistakes and her work she promotes abuse, toxic characters as heroes, racism, discrimination, problematic social issues, marginalization and more. Themes that are important to address but she never fixes them. She never makes them seem as wrong. JKR is a bad writer. And everytime I keep discovering her mistakes, I don't know why I still keep rooting for her world.

Thridly is the fandom. The fandom has become toxic and bad. There's no safe space for anymore to give Headcanons, ship couples, and invent stories without being attacked from those who are opposed. And I am not talking about civil discussions. But attacks. I've received insults from fans who didn't agree with me. Or whom I didn't agree with. And there are people who would literally die for characters that are toxic, manipulative and bullies (I don't need to name them). And I feel ashamed to be part of a fandom like that. Not everyone is like that, of course, I've met wonderful people too. But I am ashamed to root for a story that doesn't even make sense. That should've been better in terms or representation and should've talked about social issues in a better way.

Anyway. Don't fear. I am not saying that I am leaving this fandom permanently. Because like I said, I can't. If I leave the fandom, especially The Marauders. I have nothing. But, I am taking a break from posting, writing and commenting about the canon. I want to distant myself from JKR's world, canon and fandom. Little by little. When I return, I am going to be focusing in a Muggle Alternative Universe. That includes the Marauders, not JKR's version but mine and what fans had created of them. And their story would be the same except for death, abuse, phycological issues and traumas. They are going to be set in a muggle world with normal issues. But being the best version they can be. Including LGBTQ characters and characters from different cultures, regilions and POCs. And with a happy ending. As long as a realistic happy ending could be. I want to focus on that concept for now. Built up this canon. And go back to fall in love with them and what used to make me happy. I just need that break for my mental health and well being.

I am grateful for everyone who has stuck with me and supported my work and page. You're not forced to keep following me and stay with me during this process, if you don't wish to. But if you do, thank you so much. I promise I will be back when I am ready. Also, my DMs are opened to chat about non Harry Potter related stuff or discuss Headcanons about the AU I am working on. But only that.

Well, that's all. Please stay safe, healthy and happy as possible. Love you all.

Till next time.

Freckles.

[telehxhtrash]

So, after all these asks (pls dw about the separation scene, its not about it lolololllll), how would u sum your overall thoughts about killugon, with the acknowledge you have? The major traits, most important points, mostly healthy or unhealthy, fav moments...? What do you like the most? Because replying all of this might have an impact on u, too, I guess it makes you work your thoughts too lol (but I hope u have fun!!!)

HI HELLO sorry took me a while to reply my brain was a bit fuzzy jkdnfgkjd

Oh man, okay, i’ll try and summarize my thoughts!! 

I think Killua and Gon’s relationship is characterized as a blooming relationship between people who have been deeply hurt by other people’s actions, but who find comfort in each other. I think the most important aspect is the fact that they’re both so devoted to each other since the beginning and are each others’ light in the darkness you know? Gon helped Killua find his inner light, and Killua dragged Gon out of the darkness in return. They’re written as one soul in two bodies, soulmates, people who belong together. 

But what I love the most about it is how Togashi characterizes soulmates... Bc sometimes, even if you belong to someone, things don’t work out. Things don’t just “click”, no matter how amazing it sounds, relationships take work... And that’s why I love the way Togashi is writing their relationship. 

Because they belong together, we’ve seen it countless times, it’s been reinforced in the narrative so many times, but yet, they hurt each other, and that’s normal, it’s okay ! It doesn’t change anything about the fact that they belong to each other. Sometimes you just accidentally hurt each other.

So you grow apart, heal a bit, find comfort and a sense of identity in other things. Gon needs to find his identity in something else than his chase for Ging, and Killua in something else than Gon. They both had toxic traits that prevented them for having a healthy relationship : Gon’s recklessness, stubborness and need for validation clashed with Killua’s self-loathing and feelings of unworthiness. Their own trauma and issues kind of got fueled by the other’s actions, with Killua’s self-sacrificing tendencies fueling Gon’s need to prove his worth and find Ging ; while Gon’s words of affirmation fueled Killua’s self-loathing and sense of not being worthy of him.

I think it’s an interesting message, that sometimes your trauma can get in the way and you accidentally enable each other’s worst traits, even though you belong together and love each other. But sometimes things aren’t just right yet. You need to do a little bit more growing up, learn to live a little more. You have to experience new things, heal, grow, and come back to each other stronger.

And that’s the one thing I really like about Killua and Gon’s story. The idea that relationships take work, and that sometimes you hurt each other even when you love each other. And since there’s not a lot of material after their separation, I can’t say for sure, but the final message of their relationship will probably be that things fall into place and eventually turn out okay even when it seemed like you lost everything with the person u know? Idk. It feels like a very nice narrative.

I’m not sure this even makes sense? ANYWAYS HAHA - so yeah, I really like the narrative in their story. I think it’s a beautiful message of hope and growth, while still remaning natural and realistic. My favorite Killugon moments are all the big ones!! The Whale Island stargazing scene, that reinforces their need to be together under the stars; the “i’m glad i met you”; the “it has to be killua”; the “gon you are light”... any scene that just highlights that idea that they’re two people who belong together - it makes my lil heart soft HAHAHA

ty for this ask i hope this was kind of clear jkndkf

[supergay-supergirl]

why supergirl season 5 was actually good: sort of an essay

This has been sitting in my sticky notes for months and I figured now that I have a Supergirl blog, I can actually post it.

People love hating on Supergirl Season 5. And I get it. I admit that it had a lot of problems. But I did like the season overall, and there's enough out there about Season 5’s problems, so here is a post about some things that were great about Season 5!

1. Lena’s Arc

Apparently everyone hates how this was executed, but I really liked it. I like how 5A allows her to scheme and lie and altogether explore the darker (Luthor) side of herself, because only after experiencing what she’s been afraid of becoming can she fully come to know herself. I like how in 5x07, she gets to scream and cry, to express to Supergirl how much she’s hurting, and how betrayed she feels. I like how in 5x13, Kara finally accepts that Lena joining Lex was not her fault, and that she didn’t deserve to be manipulated (“From now on, you’re accountable for your own actions.”). I like Lena’s growing obsession with erasing human pain through 5B and the fact that we know exactly where her motivations come from, and we feel for her because we’ve seen how much pain she’s in herself -- but at the same time, we can still oppose her ultimately villainous actions, which leads us to hope for her redemption. (A lot of this is due to Katie McGrath’s stellar acting as well.)

I love how the season shows just how much Lex’s continual abuse and manipulation affects her, and shows her standing up to him at the end. I wish they had focused more on Lena instead of pushing her aside in favor of Lex in 5B, but overall I liked how they expanded on the Luthor sibling relationship from Season 4, even if it was missing some of the complexity of the previous season. And finally, I love the way Lena fights so hard to regain Kara’s trust in 5x19 (and succeeds!). It felt like there was more of a balance between the two starting from 5x13, where previously it had always been Kara apologizing and trying to gain Lena’s trust.

2. Supergirl’s New Look

PANTS. PANTS. PANTS. PANTS.

For Season 4, Kara the Reporter got a more professional wardrobe as she began to mentor Nia, and the switch to pants feels like the same thing for Supergirl. It completes the transition from “young adult�� to just “adult.” It may have been reasonable to call Kara a “girl” in Season 1, but by now, she is an adult woman, and I’m glad that her wardrobe reflects that.

I was opposed to Kara’s bangs at the beginning of the season, but they have definitely grown on me. Like the pants, I think they mark an important change in Supergirl’s character, one that is better appreciated by the audience than the characters. Now, when I rewatch previous seasons, I think, “Wow, Kara looks so different now.” I didn’t think that when I rewatched episodes after Season 4. The bangs are a way to identify Adult Kara as having changed a lot from how she was at the beginning, and like the pants, I feel like they complete her transition into adulthood.

(But are the writers expecting us to believe that nobody who knows Kara would be suspicious that Kara and Supergirl got bangs on the exact same day? Seriously.)

3. Eve Teschmacher

In Season 4, Eve Teschmacher was a brilliant, eager-to-please young woman who (whoops) turned out to be evil. And she was great. But I was dissatisfied with her betrayal because it came so out of the blue, and it was a complete 180 without much buildup at all. Season 5 gave her the humanity that she was lacking, first with her mom, then with her desperation not to have to kill. Not to mention, some pretty badass fight scenes.

4. J’onn’s Swagger

J’onn’s storyline in Season 5 is not nearly as deep as in Season 4, and I see that as a good thing. Season 4 J’onn was wonderful and necessary, but in a season that has a lot of strong development for Kara and Lena, it was nice to have a relatively static character who’s at a good place in his life. Season 4 let J’onn discover the man he wanted to be, and David Harewood brings a new confidence to Season 5 as a result of that. It’s fun to watch him strut around in his supersuit and say normal things as if they’re great proclamations. It’s nice to see the happy, healthy adult relationship between him and M’gann. The easy trust they have with each other causes them to act more like they’re married than dating, as opposed to the younger characters who are often caught up in relationship drama.

5. Kelly Therapy Face

All the characters need a therapist, and they finally got one! Well, Kelly is technically a psychologist, which I believe means she could be a therapist but is not necessarily? I don’t know things. Anyway, it’s nice to have a calm, supportive presence in the group, and this effect is helped by Kelly Therapy Face. Kelly Therapy Face is the face Kelly makes when she’s listening to you talk about your problems. Kelly Therapy Face and her generally calm presence bring down the interpersonal drama of the group and solidify the idea that all these people are growing into full adults, with adult relationships and adult responses to issues. Their emotions are stabilizing, they’re building stronger support systems, and they’re gaining a better understanding of how the world works and their places in it.

This is more of a Season 4 thing -- this season really didn’t give Kelly the screentime she deserved -- but I also love how even though Kelly acts as a source of support for others, her own fear and trauma are rarely glossed over (see: the end of 5x05). This gives Kelly a humanity and realistic quality that many emotional-support characters don’t get. It also shows the key difference between Dansen and Sanvers: whenever Alex and Maggie had conflict, they swept it aside rather than working through it, leading to their eventual breakup, but when Alex and Kelly have conflict, they listen to each other and try to fix it. In accordance with their adult-ness, Alex and Kelly also seem to be in agreement that it’s okay to have conflict in their relationship (“And I might not know every little detail about you yet, but I know you,” 5x02).

6. Reality Bytes

Calling attention to violence against trans folk, exploring Dreamer’s dark side, and showing the strength of Kara and Nia’s mentor-student relationship in one episode? Just. Yes. Either Nicole Maines was projecting a lot or she’s a really good actor (probably both), but either way, as a trans person, I felt this episode on a personal level: the anger, fear, and frustration at knowing that your community is being targeted and the people you’re supposed to trust (i.e. the police) are probably not going to do anything about it. Additionally, Kara and Nia’s conflict in 5x15, and the fact that Kara compares Nia’s experience to her own, is a great marker of how far Kara has come. In Season 1, Supergirl felt a similar anger and hurt when villains sought her out, but by now, she’s more at peace and can offer Dreamer reassurance and comfort.

7. Brainy’s Plot

Brainy’s storyline in Season 5 is nice because it manages to remain stable as an important, but secondary, plot. It enhances the sense that there’s more going on than we realize and gives us a view into the scheming of the villains, while not taking over too much screentime or audience brainspace.

8. Jon Cryer

As annoying as it is that the writers gave up a lot of Lena’s screentime to Lex, Jon Cryer’s performance in Season 5 is just wonderful. He can go from acting totally in control to screaming in a matter of seconds. Lex Luthor is witty, assured, and charming in a weird way. On the other side of his personality, he is a madman who cares about no one’s interests but his own. Jon Cryer’s acting manages to package all this great but conflicting writing into a brilliant, awful, occasionally sympathetic villain who has more than his share of awesome (and terrifying) scenes.

9. Alex’s Grief

I like that Alex gets to let go of her emotions a little this season and express herself. Especially when Jeremiah dies before 5x16, Alex has a really tough time (and a mention of her possibly drinking problem! Expand, please!). She tries to escape from the pain of real life through virtual reality, but eventually realizes that she has to face her pain rather than avoid it, which is a major theme of the season. What’s great about 5x16 and the next couple episodes is that the other characters allow her to grieve. They could have told her to get over it and see all the happiness in the real world — it would have fit with the theme — but instead, they support Alex as she grieves. They listen without judgement when she expresses her anger that Jeremiah left and forced her to take care of Kara. Kara and Kelly are (mostly) understanding when Alex doesn’t want to go to Jeremiah’s funeral, and when Alex arrives late at the end of the episode, Kara lets her know how much she appreciates that Alex came at all. Throughout her life, Alex hasn’t had much opportunity to be herself and express her emotions, an idea that’s repeated over and over again starting from her coming-out arc in Season 2 or even earlier. Now that Kara can for the most part take care of herself and Alex has a good support system, she finally gets the opportunity to be vulnerable.

10. Andrea Rojas’s Moral Ambiguity

Is Andrea good or bad? Neither. She’s a person who wants love, success, and money, who does sketchy things to promote her company but also fights fiercely for her father and cares about the safety of her technology. Before Andrea, Lena was the main morally ambiguous character, and she could be categorized as “playing for her own team.” However, Andrea goes a step further, crossing into a territory I would call “not playing a game at all.” She’s just a human being trying to have a good life, and that causes her to do good things, bad things, and everything in between. In a show that often accentuates the difference between heroes and villains (“Don’t let them down by stooping to his level,” 5x15), Andrea is a reminder that most people aren’t good or bad -- they’re just living their lives.

TL;DR: They’re all adults now and Lena needs a hug.

[azuremist]

Kazuichi, Gundham, Fuyuhiko, Peko, Hajime, Nagito, Hop, Bede, Henry, Randall, Luke, and Crow for the asks :3

Ohhh I get many a characters as a treat :3

Kazuichi

Realistic: The wrench that he carries around/worries about when it’s taken away is a comfort item of sorts!

Funny: Fucking HATES furries SO much. Just SO goddamn much, he hates furries. And he is VERY upset when Gundham makes him a fursona against his will.

Angsty: This is decently common, and basically canon, but his dad abuses him :( A lot of how he acts can be explained as him being a traumatized abuse victim

Self-indulgent: I think he wears eyeliner :] ❤️

Gundham:

Realistic: If it was ANY other SDR2 character, I’d put any autistic headcanon in ‘self indulgent’, but... I don’t think Chunsoft could write Gundham more autistic if they TRIED.

Funny: Like I said in Kazuichi’s thing, he’s a furry, but like, secretly. He brings up that he hates furries in anime, but the fact that he CHOSE to bring that up, like, basically unprompted, shows he’s a closeted furry. Change my fucking mind.

Angsty: Oh there is a Lot of angsty headcanons, but the main one is that him claiming he’s a demon is a coping mechanism to help him cope with feeling inhuman, because of the stereotypes around autism as well as him being generally lonely and isolated.

Self-indulgent: He imitates animals a lot!! Particularly, he purrs as a vocal happy-stim. But he denies it VIOLENTLY.

Fuyuhiko:

Realistic: Whenever he tries to intimidate someone, he stands on his toes to make himself seem taller.

Funny: Even though he’s lactose intolerant, he drinks lactose products anyways and pretends it doesn’t bother him.

Angsty: When under extreme distress (in the canon timeline), he puts his hand over his eyes and flinches back out of fear.

Self-indulgent: TRANS GUY REAL!!!!!!!!!

Peko:

Realistic: Post-game, she really struggles to let go of Fuyuhiko’s title, and become equals like he wants her to. But she truly cares for Fuyuhiko, so she manages eventually. :]

Funny: She’s the type to perk up, interrupt herself, and exclaim, “DOG!”, when seeing a dog in public, even if she gets embarrassed immediately after.

Angsty: She has issues with eating v.v She doesn’t eat as much as she needs to, in order to stay as skinny as she is... She eventually gets help for it, though :]

Self-indulgent: BPD Peko real 💕

I don’t feel comfy sharing a lot of my Nagito and Hajime headcanons. I don’t even know why?? I just don’t... Sorry.

Hop:

Realistic: I like the headcanon that he put aside his Dubwool when he tried to get stronger because it was a ‘weaker’ Pokémon, but he put it back on his team because Dubwool is his friend!

Funny: This is a headcanon you introduced me to, but Hop nicknamed Dubwool ‘Woowoo’ because he couldn’t pronounce ‘l’ as a kid.

Angsty: What can I say that hasn’t been said? Leon gave him a horrible inferiority complex, and it made him a negative view of himself... Again, this is a headcanon you introduced me to, but Hop only being born because Leon wanted a little brother fucks me UP.

Self-indulgent: TRANSGENDER!!!!!!!! And autistic!!

Bede:

Realistic: I like the idea that he becomes a part of the Gloria/Hop/Marnie friend group post-game, but he probably becomes Marnie’s friend first, because he seemed to hurt her the least.

Funny: Wooloo really like him because his hair makes him look like Big Wooloo.

Angsty: I mean, I’ve talked about this to you before, and this could EASILY go into self-indulgent because I’m basically just projecting my trauma onto him, but I headcanon him as a CSA victim.

Self-indulgent: He likes to wear dresses and skirts! He wore them when he was younger but the orphanage kids bullied him out of it. Under Opal’s care, he began to wear them again, though, once he found out she was okay with it. She encourages his self expression :]

Henry:

Realistic: I don’t know if this counts as ‘realistic’, but Henry seems like the type to smoke.

Funny: When he and Angela were in their fake-marriage, they would joke, ‘I want a divorce’.

Angsty: I mean, I basically headcanon him as a ball of bad coping mechanisms. I already mentioned the smoking, but alcohol, too. Depressed business man.

Self-indulgent: BPD!!!!!! Randall is his FP :]

Randall:

Realistic: He LOVES rubix cubes. Puzzles and also something to do with his hands!

Funny: He needs glasses once he’s older, because he only thought the ones he wore when he was younger were fake. His eyes got used to them, and then he needed glasses for real.

Angsty: When he was the Masked Gentleman, he would call Angela and Henry, and stay silent, just to listen to them talk.

Self-indulgent: He has freckles!

Luke:

Realistic: Luke is more easily able to talk to certain species of animals that others.

Funny: Speaking of him talking to animals, he swears in animal-speak when upset.

Angsty: He binge-eats when he’s upset.

Self-indulgent: The anime is fucking dead to me, Luke marries Crow.

Crow:

Realistic: He wears so many warm clothes because he has very few clothes, and it’s better to be too warm than too cold.

Funny: He has more issues coming to terms that he has a crush on a semi-rich person then he does on a boy.

Angsty: I wrote about this extensively in one of my fanfics, but I think his parents divorced at a young age.

Self-indulgent: He’s gay little anti-capitalist!!

Send me a character and I’ll give you a realistic, funny, angsty and self-indulgent headcanon!

[lady-proudmoore]

I've seen a few interesting theories about how the mana bomb affected Jaina beyond just her hair color (and mental state but let's not go there). I was wondering if you had any headcanons for physical effects from the mana bomb?

This has been an important topic to me and I have spent a long time analyzing it and researching how the arcane works in warcraft lore. Researching warcraft lore is maddening anyway because it’s not always consistent and so confuddled,  But as of this writing, based on what I’ve researched and know of Jaina, here’s what I’m personally set on for her in my own stories and rp on her physical changes:

- Her new “natural” lifespan will be considerably longer, not only for a human, but even compared to most other human magi. I haven’t decided yet in my headcanon for this if she is aware of it yet for herself.

- Her body ages slower, and she will look younger than she really is. At least a decade younger. I think she will still look like she’s in her early thirties when she’s past 40. What does make her look a bit older, is her emotional stress, and especially that she doesn’t sleep much.

*SIIGGGHHHHHH. I hate this next headcanon but I feel it’s realistic and honest.

- I think it affected her mind. Not her intelligence. She’s as intelligent as she ever was, if not more-so. I think she’s a bit more susceptible to going mad and occasionally struggles a little with her perceptions.This is very complicated though bc so much of this is also just part of the emotional wounding - the deep, deep trauma that extends even all the way into the soul level. They almost intertwine to me really. But you asked about physical and I think that yeah, her actual physical brain was affected some by that massive amount of arcane in the blast. I realize that it dissipated from her body over time. My headcanon on this is very involved and just this one alone I could write a research paper about, lol. This is the short version! xD - I think her body craves arcane more than it used to. Not badly. But every once in awhile she feels she needs to work with the arcane. Like an itch that needs to be scratched - it bugs her. She craves power more than she used to. But this, I think she does recognize for what it is. And she’s good about keeping it in check, and not letting it get the best of her.

- Sometimes she aches. Little aches and pains here and there, not related to aging. She gets headaches more than she used to, and they aren’t always from the emotional stress. - She has a few light scars from the lacerations she had. Nothing major, and most are of course hidden now with her new style of clothing/armor. Oh, actually - I do headcanon one major scar on the palm of her hand. In the book she had picked up a shard of her old mirror and stabbed an orc with it. Realistically she would have sustained a bad cut of her own. I headcanon she still carries a scar on her palm and fingers from that.

- Jaina’s personal ‘magical aura’ or even just her aura in general is stronger than most. Her personal things and anything she may keep on her for some time will carry a stronger sense of her energy than it used to. Obviously part of that is just because she’s Jaina and already exceptionally powerful :) Thank you so much for the nice ask. I have a lot of other headcanons on this topic that I play around with and still think on often. But for now, the above are what I am for sure set on at this time. <3

[daely-trans-life]

Thoughts on gender and other matters (letter to a friend)

Dearest [Friend],

I finally got around to writing this email, god knows it's long overdue.

You've asked me to explain what lead me to the realisation that I might be transgender and well, that's a larger subject than what I can summarise in a text message (in fact this email might turn into a novel, in which case I'm very sorry), so here we go.

I can see how from an outside point of view it might come as a surprise, albeit for me this realisation is something that's been long in the making... Probably ever since I became aware of the concept of gender itself. 

To begin with, I need to explain a little bit about the culture I was raised in, because it ties into the delay significantly. It has to do with the societal expectations as much as the language... Hungarian has no gender markers for words and doesn't use gendered pronouns at all, which also means that in a way, the concept itself is way less defined and pronounced in the cultural context. That, coupled with the strict and rigid code of conduct regarding politeness and formality means that it's generally not discussed in society on any level, neither in family, between friends nor in public education.

It's a binary concept that's dependent on one's genetic makeup and primary sexual characteristics that is assigned at birth and never discussed further. It doesn't involve choice or exploration, and it's not viewed as a  spectrum the same way as it is customary in Western countries. But at the same time, traditional gender roles are built into society on every level, and while it's never mentioned, it's enforced and engraved in people way stronger than it is in for example Denmark.

So while as a teen/young adult, I could feel I didn't fit into the box of "girl" or "woman" the way others around me did, I had no vocabulary to describe my experience, and I definitely didn't have a platform for exploring it. On the few occasions when I mentioned it to some friends that I kind of view myself as both a man and a woman or maybe neither, the general answer was something to the effect of "well no shit?! are we meant to be surprised by this?", which was both baffling and very validating at the same time.

And then I moved out of the country and a whole new world of concepts and options and spectra opened up to me, where I also had the opportunity to learn more about my identity when it came to gender and sexuality. I quickly discovered that me not being straight was definitely a thing, and I learnt about labels that finally fit my experience and I found a community that welcomed me and that had people similar to myself in it. And that was all great, but it also taught me that gender was a Thing, and not only that, but it also had way more to it than just binary man and woman. 

And I went down that rabbit hole hard. I started identifying as non-binary, tried on a lot of labels and pronouns, some really out there ones too, mostly privately, while trying to find the one that felt right. And of course in the meantime I've met and learnt about trans people, and it kind of hit me how that specific experience resonated with me. But of course, I couldn't just BE a guy... Could I?

Well, no, of course not! Because I had parents that raised me as their daughter, I had a husband who married me to be his wife, and I had always been presented and perceived as a woman... It's not like I could just uproot my entire identity and claim a new one just because it would make me happy... I had others to think of and consequences to dread, and in general, I was too fucked up anyway to really be concerned with something like what noise people make to address me or what concept do they identify me with. So I buried the question deep, never touching it, because as long as I wasn't looking, it didn't hurt and I didn't get confused. And this worked for a while, until it obviously didn't.

And then years had passed and a few things happened. For one, I met my other partner, who also identifies as non-binary and who is way more into the queer aspects of life than my husband. And with Them, I got to talk about the things that have always bothered me and that I previously was unable to talk about. They taught me the language to express myself, not only with words but also with presentation. And while confined in the safety of our shared home, I've stepped onto the Rocky Road of Recovery, that involved a lot of mental healthcare, therapy, exploration and coming to terms with my identity in more than one way.

In a way, unraveling the tangle of issues I've been carrying around helped a lot too. I've been living with the vague sense of "there is something wrong with me" for so long that it just became the everyday reality of my life, and I kind of accepted that all the things I now know are symptoms of certain conditions, were just how life was supposed to be, that the world was supposed to be this hostile, low-key but always uncomfortable place with occasional bursts of horrible pain. And through all that, I still held myself to the expectations I was presented with by my upbringing, because throughout my life, whenever I tried to ask for help in any way, I was generally met with blame and dismissal, and I was taught that the only option was to bite my tongue and power through. So I bit down and did what I could and every time I broke down, I just dug my heels in and kept going until one day I couldn't go on anymore. 

And in a way, this was a blessing. Because finally, at the point where I completely gave up, I was presented with an abundance of care and actual help I've never received before. I went to psychiatry, I got my diagnoses, I got a social worker to help me, I got a therapist, and a damn good one for that, and I got the time to heal and figure myself out without having to worry about things like where I was going to live or what I was going to eat. And lo and behold, things started getting better. Of course, a year of therapy cannot undo 20 years of trauma and abuse, I didn't expect it to either, but it gave me tools to work with, ways to address and manage my symptoms and space to explore ways in which I could be happier, healthier and more stable than I've ever been before.

I'm on a good path, and in a good place now. I'm engaged to my partner, still happily married to my husband and we live in a loving, if a bit crooked family in a beautiful place at the countryside. For the first time I'm hopeful about the future and I feel like I have realistic expectations about my life and what I would be able to make of it. Of course there is still a lot of work to be done and a lot of ways I wish to improve, but these dreams had finally stopped being just that, and slowly morphed into goals, things I could actually achieve and I can see ways in which to do so. 

And so, now that happiness suddenly became a viable option, I started wondering about the questions of identity again, and well... I guess I just felt like my time has finally come. I'm almost thirty. Yeah, that's a bit late compared to many who had this figured out by their late teens, but hey, I'm young, I have most of my adult life ahead of me! And I finally have the space and the support network that gives me enough confidence to pursue my true identity and everything that comes with that. 

I'm taking it slowly though. It's scary as hell, and it's a huge step, and I still have a million questions and a million obstacles to overcome. But if my journey so far had taught me anything, that is that no decision is irreversible, there is no such thing as too late to change things, and that fear is never a good enough reason not to do what's right for you. I'm at square one right now, and I don't know if this is the path I'll stay on forever, but I feel like I owe myself to at least try. If I never committed to anything just because it might not last forever, I wouldn't be having the amazing life I have today, if I was even still alive. 

So that's where I stand. Sorry about the insanely long ramblings, now you know everything you never wished to know about my inner workings, but I don't quite know how to explain this in any other way than the extremely winded one. 

I miss you. I wish we could hang out and I could be, you know, not an absolute wreck for once :D I swear I'm a way funner person these days than I was when we used to hang out.

Lots of love,

Dae

P.s.: I guess this DID turn into a novel, sorry about that again! :$ xoxo

[mariellewritesalot]

Notes on the Romantic Narrative

As an homage to my favorite film of all-time “Silver Linings Playbook” finally being on Netflix, and a coping mechanism to everything I’ve been feeling as of late: I am writing to you about some musings I’ve been making and breaking for the past few months. About love, or lack thereof, in my life. 

First, to give you an image of how I pay attention to detail in life and movies, I will start with a few reasons why I love this gem despite the huge changes they made on screen vis-à-vis the novel: 1) It portrayed mental illnesses in a way that didn’t feel pushy or overly-romanticized: healing is not linear, 2) Pat’s character development throughout the film was the epitome of his motto (and mine), “Excelsior”, 3) I love how the story sort of revolved around the Eagles and football to anchor the heaviness of the entire plot line, 4) The casting!!! I mean, wow, and 5) It makes you believe in silver linings, even in the safest sense of the idea, not too grand and definitely not perfect. Safe. Who could forget that scene where Pat runs after Tiffany with his letter? The relief we all felt knowing that her hard work and feelings were not for naught? If you haven’t seen it, I hope you have the time to. It’s a moving film, honestly.

Anyway, I digress. I am going to go personal in this bit and I might not like it, too. I am stating the obvious when I say that I am a hopeless romantic and that I tend to look at life in rose-colored glasses. Some probable reasons are because my parents have the kind of love story that really makes you believe in fate and second chances, plus the fact that I grew up with romantic films, songs, and books. I was sold to the fairy tale idea of happily ever afters despite the proof that it doesn’t apply to everyone in real life. I wanted my own story to tell. After all, I am a writer. I live for the things worth telling.

Nowadays, I also spend a lot of my time online where my timeline is bombarded with couples or romantic gestures, as if the algorithm is working against the realist in me. I can’t say I hate it, because one thing I get from this mindset is the tendency to highlight the good things, both in people or situations. The “too kind for my own good” complex. The only downside is that I may get disappointed more times than I should. It’s a tricky predicament if you think about it in my context: I grew up with mostly men in the house, in my own bubble, going through life thinking that somebody is going to sweep me off my feet, backed up by High School Musical films and the media pushing love teams down our throats...but then it hits me in real life as I grow older: movie moments do happen in real life, but they aren’t as common as they make it out to be, they’re the exception to the rule. They are as rare as they come. 

Some of us aren’t as lucky.

In reality, when the hurt runs too deep, it feels almost impossible to rise above it. The hopeless romantic dies out and is replaced by a semi-angry realist, tired of how the world consistently proves that it moves in circles. They become someone who occasionally relapses into that romanticized haze every once in a while because it gets lonely. When you’ve fallen in love a few times in life, it’s hard not to expect yourself to fall into a trap, any moment now. The withdrawals grow stronger just when you’re starting to get the hang of things. It’s an exhausting ordeal, if you ask me, turning numb but knowing that you can’t shake off the romantic within when it resurfaces in the most inappropriate of moments.

I used to think that I’d be one of the lucky ones who meet the love of their life early on; someone who’s capable of being in a long-term relationship in college or maybe even after...and I still think I am, but maybe I haven’t met him yet. Maybe I have, but the timing is off or we just don’t know it until a little further down the road. Now I’ve been single for too long, and there is nothing wrong with it, just the fact that the trauma I went through has really soiled my chances of healing fast; more from the events than the actual person who did the hurting. Being here though, I am able to see how I am in a generation where #hugot culture is the norm, relationships are only as good as they are on social media, and 80% of young people are desperate to find love or at least a semblance of it. It’s nauseating, accidentally giving into the “sana all” culture and thinking I am incomplete if I don’t have someone who’s technically obligated to care for me, vice versa. I am not a fan of it, but it’s not exactly easy to exclude myself from a narrative I have been in for years. I wish it didn’t feel so off.

Because...hey, there are pros to being single. For starters: I am young. I don’t have to worry about it yet at least for the next ten years or so. I am not supposed to have the same timeline as other people. I can go to bed without worrying about somebody else. I don’t have to ask for anyone’s approval. I have more time for the things I love doing. I am not being emotionally abused or taken for granted or cheated on, which were common themes in my past relationships. It’s a treat, until I am once again hooked by the media I consume and made to think that there’s more to life than being alone.

Maybe it’s the fact that I spent half of this year trying to get over the one I thought was the love of my life, or how I’m spending the other half denying to myself that I may be having feelings for a person and consciously running away from them through various coping mechanisms I never thought I’d use. Love is a gray area right now because I don’t see myself being in a relationship anytime soon, but if I ever do, I’d want something serious. I love meeting new people right now, but at the same time, my comfort zone feels good. I find that it helps tone down my anxiety when I am in control. I’m proud of myself for choosing to navigate through life by my own right now, turning down people who want to become a part of it for my sake and theirs. I just have a lot on my plate. Although I do believe that I’ll never be ready. No one ever is, but I want to put my faith in timing. I just have to learn the ropes here first. I hate that everyone around me is rushing because I feel like I’m that person being squeezed into the middle of the crowd in a mosh pit. I am choosing to make sure I am a better person than I was first before I dive into it, head first.

So yeah. Lloyd Dobler is not going to blast In Your Eyes by Pete Gabriel on a boombox outside my bedroom window (though I’d love Closing Time by Semisonic more). Dylan Harper is not going to organize a flash mob to tell me he made a mistake. Patrick Verona is not going to hack into the school speakers and sing to me at the football field. Troy Bolton is not going to show up outside my window to apologize, armed with Margherita pizza and chocolate covered strawberries. Ted is not going to steal a blue french horn for me. Johnny Castle is not going to dance with me in front of everybody to prove our love. Chuck Bass is not going to buy me a ring and carry it around even when we aren’t together anymore, hoping for the chance to get me back. Augustus Waters is not going to show up with orange tulips and a trip to Amsterdam. Pat Soltano is not going to run after me with a love letter he wrote a week ago...and I’m okay with it. I don’t want to buy into the notion that I need saving, or that I can be swayed by gestures that can so easily be just a move to win me over with no follow-through. I don’t want to be put on a pedestal, anyway. Also...sometimes, it’s in the little things. We fall in love with the way people remember something we said to them months ago, the way they show up after a long day, and the way even the tiniest gestures feel so big it fills up everything else.

I feel like one day I’ll be given the love I deserve and I don’t have to yearn for movie scenes like the art geek I am. You see, what makes love stories unique is the fact that it happens when you least expect it. Grand romantic gestures are welcome, but they aren’t really the basis of how deep love could be. I could only hope to be with someone who speaks my love language or at least tries to understand it. Until then...I’ll keep relearning everything until I make sense of what I truly want out of love and its intricate mess of a web.

I’ll love; even without pretense, without hope or agenda, without expecting the universe to give me back everything like it owes me.

[murasaki-murasame]

Thoughts on Fruits Basket 2019 Episode 18: “What’s Important Is . . . “

Eat your heart out, Disney, ‘cause TMS Entertainment is out here with cute and emotive 2D-animated tigers :^)

Seriously though, this was another great episode and I’m glad new fans can now appreciate Kisa and how much of a good sweet bean she is.

Thoughts under the cut. [Potential spoiler warning for the whole manga. Also I ended up talking a lot about bullying and anxiety and stuff so, y’know, content warning]

After taking a bit of a detour into Uo’s backstory for a few episodes, this episode goes back a bit and covers Kisa’s introduction arc, which was chapters 27 and 28 of the manga.

For comparison, episode 17 of the 2001 anime covered this exact same material, and in pretty much the exact same way, too. I don’t think there was anything particularly relevant that the 2001 anime cut from this episode. If I remember right, they at least kept the detail of him accepting the role of being the new student council president, even though it ultimately didn’t go much of anywhere because they didn’t get that far into the story.

Anyway, I knew this would be a really good episode because it was already a good arc in the manga, and the 2019 anime’s done a great job with the more serious episodes, but even then, it was still better than I expected. I don’t think they added or changed anything, they just adapted it really well.

One of the things that immediately stood out to me from the first scene and stayed throughout the whole episode was how good and detailed the background art and cinematography were, but I feel like I’ve said that about most episodes so I really should stop being surprised that this show’s directed well, lol. I just think it does a notably good job of elevating an already good script. But that first scene with Tohru and Yuki out in the streets while it was raining was really beautiful. And on the other end of the spectrum we got some more worrying glimpses of Yuki’s childhood. I still really like the fuzzy, black and white sorta atmosphere those scenes have.

Given that this episode is at the end of the day all about middle school bullying, it’d naturally run the risk of seeming like a bit of an after-school special, and even though some people might see it that way, I think it mostly avoids that by being a more realistic and empathetic take on the subject than most ‘episodes about bullying’ you get in TV shows. And thankfully most people, both new and old fans, seem to be totally on board with how the topic was handled in this episode.

I think it all boils down to how a big part of this episode’s message is that telling someone to effectively pick themselves up with their bootstraps and learn how to love themselves all on their own is deeply unhelpful and tends to just make the bullying victim feel worse about themselves for being unable to do that.

At least for the most part, I totally agree with the fact that people can’t just learn how to love themselves when they live in a loveless environment, especially when you think about where Yuki specifically is coming from with his speech about it, since he was literally raised in a cult. But you don’t even need to be born into a cult to relate to the general idea. Especially when you’re a kid, you’re just literally unable to do the sort of emotional introspection and self-care that’s expected of you because you just don’t have the life experience for it. People don’t just start out fully formed on an emotional level. Someone who has a healthy family environment growing up can learn certain skills earlier, but someone in a more abusive or even just emotionally distant family can struggle emotionally because they’re not being given the ‘emotional education’ they need. If that makes sense.

Like Yuki said, it can feel impossible to love yourself no matter how much you search your soul, because you have such a fundamentally warped and biased perspective of yourself that it’ll all loop back into self-hatred unless you can get a second opinion. It doesn’t exactly help that children are bullied for having traits that are genuinely good to have, which makes the idea of expecting them to love themselves for it even more unreasonable. People are even bullied for being ‘too full of themselves’ if they have even a mild amount of self-esteem, so really it’s just one of those ‘welcome to hell! welcome to hell! welcome to hell! :)’ catch-22s.

I was only mildly bullied during my school years, but I’ve always struggled with severe social anxiety, which was enough to slowly but surely ruin my education. It got more and more irrational and baseless as I got older and went to a high-school where nobody even interacted with me at all, but I still spent a good chunk of my high-school years being physically and emotionally incapable of attending.

I’ve also always had a bad habit of coping with any type of anxiety or stress or trauma by mentally shutting down and hiding away, and I still struggle with having a fairly bad stutter that’s mostly caused by my anxiety, even in stress-free environments, so I can’t help but really relate to both Kisa and Yuki in this whole sense. Once you start withdrawing into yourself, it gets harder and harder to stop, and the prospect of speaking up and putting yourself out there becomes more and more daunting, until even harmless and simple things in your day to day life start feeling overwhelming and impossible.

One thing that really gets me about this episode is how, even though we still have Tohru being her usual self and basically being the Soma family therapist, we also get a lot of focus on how Yuki and Hatsuharu are doing their best to try and support Kisa in ways that they weren’t properly supported when they were younger. It’s not like Tohru can’t relate to Kisa’s problems either, but I think it’s important that this is one of the first times we really see how the Soma members that Tohru is helping in her own way are becoming stronger and able to help others.

We also get another glimpse at one variation of a parent-child relationship in the Soma family, with how Kisa’s mother isn’t overprotective of her, but she isn’t full-on abusive or anything. She genuinely loves her daughter, but she’s becoming worn down by Kisa’s issues. I don’t think Momiji was wrong to say that Soma parents tend to fall into two categories, but it’s more like a spectrum between two points. And since the story is so long and there’s so many different Somas in it, we get to see that whole spectrum of how the zodiac curse can effect families, which in the long run makes the writing feel more realistic and nuanced than if it only ever acknowledged two extremes.

Anyway I think that’s about all I have to say about this episode. There’s some stuff here that vaguely sets up future plot points and character development, but we’ll get to that when we get to that.

In the mean-time, as I expected from having seen that one screenshot of Caitlin Glass’ notes, the next episode is going to be jumping forward in time again, but even further than the Uo episodes did, in order to adapt Ritsu’s intro episode. Which I think is for the best, considering how it looks like the rest of the season will be structured. It’s best to bundle these three character intro episodes together back to back. Though I’m a bit surprised that they’re choosing to have Ritsu’s episode be between the Kisa and Hiro episodes, rather than having those two happen back to back. I don’t think either of them would even be mentioned in the Ritsu episode, so it might feel like a bit of an odd diversion. But we’ll see.

Either way I’m already expecting to not really be a fan of the next episode since Ritsu is the absolute peak of grating shouty comedy which I just don’t like. Oh well.

[stl29tide]

Season 1 Thoughts

There were a lot of creative decisions (storylines, editing, pacing) that I didn’t agree with when it came to Roswell, New Mexico, but instead of focusing on the negative I’m going to go over what I did love about the first season. (Rest assured that if they’re not renewed for a second season, I will then make a post to roast the shit out of everything I didn’t agree with, including the events of the finale).

Things I loved about the various characters/storylines (omitting all of my gripes):

Liz - Jeanine gave such a powerhouse performance as Liz. She’s so strong and smart. Half the things that needed to be solved on the show were solved by her. She’s warm and kind. Throughout the series she’s given so many opportunities to be bitter and not do the “right” thing - but she does it anyway. Liz is a good person and I’m so glad she was able to open her heart up to love again. With that said, I love that so much of her storyline was focused, not just on Max, but the love she had for her sister. Sister love is POWERFUL and unless you’re a girl who has a sister, you might not fully understand what kind of sacrifices they would make for each other but this show got that love right.

Isobel - Isobel is a person who has been used and abused since she was a young teenager. Her abuse may not have been physical and known like Michael’s or Alex’s, but it was mental and present. She allowed herself to love and she was ultimately betrayed for it more than anyone else. She may not have made peace with the situation yet, but she was able to stand up for herself in the end and now she’s going to start exploring her own abilities. For someone who always just wanted to be “normal” she’s accepted who she is. She’s going to figure out exactly what she can do and become stronger than ever.

Max - Max loves with his whole heart. He makes mistakes (BIG ones), he carries guilt for those mistakes, but in the end he tries to make up for them. His love for Liz and his want to help correct his mistakes ultimately cost him his life. For someone who is largely deemed as selfish, it was a selfless act. He didn’t try to save Rosa to be a hero. He tried to save her because he thought he could, because he wanted to give back a life that was stolen, because he wanted Liz to have her sister again.

Jenna - Badass with a heart of gold. Another great example as to the profound amount of love one can have for their sister. The show could have turned Jenna in to a villain, but they didn’t. She had feelings for Max but she recognized that Max’s feelings for Liz were greater. She knew what they were to each other and instead of inserting herself in the middle, she removed herself from the situation and wished them well. She could have helped Jesse but instead went to Alex. She protected the aliens, she protected Max, at her own expense. She wasn’t used. She always knew what the deal was between the two of them. She had the bravery to tell Max that, that would be the last favor she ever did for him because she knew it’s what would be best for her. I hope we see her back one day.

Michael - Michael has been through A LOT. Despite everything he’s been through, he might love more deeply than anyone else on this entire show. I also think that terrifies him. He closes himself off to accepting other people’s love because of his trauma and it’s realistic and valid. Despite what he says, Michael’s actions and behavior always speaks more to what he’s feeling. He says he doesn’t have family, but he loves Max and Isobel like they are. Michael will never have a relationship that works until he reaches the point where he accepts that other people can and do really, truly love him. It’s that age old “you can never really give love until you’re ready to receive it” thing and that’s so fucking relatable to me because I’m the exact same way.

Kyle - Kyle, like Jenna, they also could have made into a villain and they didn’t. He loves Liz, he supports Liz, even knowing she loves someone else. He didn’t try to insert himself into their whole thing or try to get back together with her. Instead he basically stepped up and asked what she needed from him. It took him on a journey that changed his life and his view of a parent he idolized. Even at the end when he was breaking down, he had every excuse to revert back to something ugly, but he still took the higher road. Kyle may have used to be a homophobic bully, but he’s the proof that we all look for when we ask if it’s really possible for a person to change. Kyle changed and I’m proud that he continues to surprise me.

Maria - Maria’s love for her mom is so beautiful. Watching someone you love slowly lose themselves is one of the MOST difficult things, and seeing them show just how much stress it really puts on her life was wonderful (even though it was difficult to watch). I loved the little insight we got regarding Maria’s feelings of growing up in a town where everyone was white and how it was her mother that taught her to love her skin and her voice. The scene with her and Liz sitting on the billboard was so important. I also love that we know Maria’s family is involved with the aliens in some way (we just don’t know how yet). Also, on a more shallow note, Heather Hemmens is crazy beautiful so I’m grateful to the show for introducing me to her.

Alex - I mean....I honestly don’t know what to say about Alex. At this point I feel like I could write a dissertation about him. Alex has affected me in ways that I was not expecting. I didn’t really understand him at first. I was intrigued, but it took me a while to really see him. To truly see him. Alex is smart. Ridiculously smart. Remember when I said that Liz solved about half the things on the show? Alex solved the other half. He’s kind. He’s so freaking kind, and loving, and loyal. He stands up for his friends and calls them out when need be. Seeing his relationship with Kyle this season has been a blessing. They may not be “friends” (yet) but he’s willing to not look at how they were shaped by the past to instead concentrate on the present because it’s what’s needed. He has this capacity for love that’s so deep which is all the more amazing given by the fact that the two people who should have loved him unconditionally didn’t. He was abandoned by his mom and left to be raised by an abusive, homophobic man. He had every reason to turn out hateful like his dad, but he didn’t. His trauma cost him so much of himself, but this season he’s started to regain those pieces that had been chipped away. He confronted his abuser, he stopped running away from the man he’s in love with. He wants to be free. Free to live and love the way he’s always wanted to. Alex has spent this season regaining his agency, and it’s easily been my favorite character arc.

Extras:

The fashion choices on this show (at least regarding the women) are A+. Maria’s outfits were my favorite. The song selections were also amazing. Nothing makes me happier than some quality 90’s music so it was basically a fantasy brought to life to have a show that showcased it every episode. I even loved all of the cover versions of popular songs. I also had this idea of “what if they end the season playing Here With Me?” and they did, so I’m glad that at least everyone agrees that it was the only song choice that made sense. The show had a lot of great one liners, especially from Michael, Alex, Kyle, and Isobel. I truly believe they’re the snarkiest characters and lord do I want to see more of that.

So those are my positive thoughts on Season 1. Will I watch Season 2 if it’s renewed? Yes. There are a lot of things I wish I could change, but the one thing that the show did (relatively) well is create a multitude of characters that were easy to love in different ways and I *want* to know what happens to them next. So, hopefully, we’ll all get to have our weekly freak out moments again next TV season. We’ll see. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[squidproquoclarice]

Hello Squid! Not sure if it has been asked before - how and when did you start shipping Arthur and Sadie ? What was the lightbulb moment(s)?

Oooh, good one.  It crept up on me, to be honest.  There was no singular “YES OTP” that I remember.  But as y’all know I very firmly support them only as a post-game ship and ship the hell out of their in-game friendship as the heart and soul of that, it makes sense that much like any romance between them, it was gradual.I loved the dynamic in “Further Questions of Female Suffrage”, because it was so unusual.  By that point we’ve seen Arthur as the shy, deferential gentlemanly dork towards most women.  We’ve seen him be the fond big brother to Karen, Mary-Beth, Abigail, and Tilly.  We’ve seen him get a little exasperated with Mary, but mostly just act like a sad puppy hopeless to do anything but help someone he loves.  We haven’t really seen him interact with a woman on equal footing, and that’s what happens with Sadie.  Yes, he plays the big, tough, annoyed enforcer “Oh, you wanna run with the meeeeen?” role in camp, much like he does to other gang riders to keep the peace and keep them in their assigned role.But he drops that act just about as soon as they cross the camp’s borders and hit the road to Rhodes.  Though he doesn’t take up his usual deference towards a woman, and while there are a few flickers of Arthur As Senior Gun and Teacher there (sharply telling Sadie that they don’t engage in indiscriminate robbery and violence, instructing her to play it cool, etc.), he’s also a lot looser than we see with the likes of Sean and even Lenny with keeping them on a tight rein a junior members in need of oversight and advice.  Once she starts reading Pearson’s letter, he’s laughing with Sadie and cracking jokes and clearly having fun with her on a peer level in a way we really don’t see him let go and do with anyone else.  Right up until the end of the mission, they’re joking easily with each other.  It’s a great foundation of a friendship for them.He writes about Sadie repeatedly in his journal in fairly open admiration, and sketches her.  That’s extremely unusual.  He sketches Mary and writes about her, but with mingled love and anger.  He sketches Abigail and writes about her with some admiration, but again, that to me is so hopelessly tangled up with her role as a single mother and his Eliza/Isaac trauma that it’s hard to unpick the two.  And unlike Abigail, or his gushing praise of Charles, he also notes some of Sadie’s flaws too: her anger which can be indiscriminate, her reckless ferocity.  He has a realistic view of her, just like she does of him.And that to me is really why they work.  I saw a post a week or so ago with OP having the opinion that a relationship they were writing about (Charlotte x Arthur, I think, but I could be wrong?  Might have been an OC? Anyway, I don’t disagree with the ship per se, I disagree with this particular take on it) works only because she didn’t know Arthur before.  Because she’d be appalled by him and unable to bear knowing him back then.I have to argue the contrary there.  I feel like you can’t put Arthur in a successful relationship with someone who’s seen only a carefully curated “best” version of him, who couldn’t bear to know who he was and accept that.  He’s never going to be able to address his deep self-loathing if he’s living a lie in constant terror of being found out and rejected.Arthur is a long-term survivor of a cult leader, taken in and warped by it for over two decades, from the time he was a child.  He was a mindless minion.  He’s been a killer, a thief, a man who fathered a child he failed deeply.  He’s made plenty of terrible choices he regrets.  You can’t just ignore who he was for 22 years.  It informs the choices he’s made since, the road he took to the man he’s becoming in Chapter 6, and who he’d become post-Chapter 6 if he survives.  And any romantic partner who can’t accept the worst of him along with the best can’t really accept Arthur, IMO.With Sadie, he doesn’t have to do so.  She’s been there.  He’s been there.  They’ve seen each other’s worst: the anger, the violence, the killing, the loss of self and hurting people mindlessly.  It really says something that at their lowest, they both are there for each other, even as they’re arguing strongly and standing up to each other at some points.  They’re striving to protect people, to save lives.  Sadie tells him he’s the only one she truly trusts.  Arthur returns that by Sadie being the only one he’ll ask to carry out one of the things he’s deemed truly meaningful as a final act: to make sure the Marstons get out OK.  The trust between them is deep, profound, and unshakable.  At this point, they’re best friends who have each other’s backs, without question.  They fight together, and make it a priority to protect each other.  It says something that when Sadie compliments Arthur as one of the two best men she’s ever known, he literally cannot answer it with his usual awkward insistence of something like “Oh, you’re mistaken/you just don’t really know me” that he answers a compliment of his being a good person in every other instance I can remember.  He does make an awkward joke about “I know the company you keep, the competition ain’t too fierce,” but for once in his forlorn life, he accepts the compliment, because he can’t do otherwise.  Because she does know him very well, and he knows she does.  It’s not so much one massive “aha!” shippery moment with Sadithur as a whole slew of little ones that quietly add up.  It’s how they can joke and laugh together so easily, but also protect each other, support each other, trust each other in trying times.  It’s how well they know each other and don’t excuse each other’s worst moments and traits, but can accept them, and put them in proper context alongside all that they admire about each other, and thus still believe that the other person, fighting to be better as they are, is one of the best people they’ve ever met.It makes for a beautiful M/F friendship in-game, a relationship of true equals who are together because they choose to be there with each other and for each other, not because she needs him as a protector, and he needs to be needed.  And as I’ve observed, I love that it’s not romantic at that point.  It puts such value on a deep love between them that has nothing to do with any romantic or sexual attraction.  But it’s also easy to imagine in a post-game scenario, given time for both of them to heal from their ordeals, romance and desire could eventually grow between them as a part of a bond of trust and love that already exists.  And it’s an even stronger OTP for having that slow burn friendship foundation.    

[minaminokyoko]

Godzilla: King of Monsters: A Spoilertastic Review

To get straight to the point for some of you, yes, thank God, this movie is better than Godzilla '14.

For one, the title character is not only in the movie for a decent amount of time, they don't constantly cut away from the action and the film is properly lit so that even in night scenes and scenes with heavy rain, our lizard boi is fully visible. He also is kicking some ass and taking some names, and that's what we came here to see. Thus, it's immediately better than its predecessor.

However, a big problem with the movie is the humans. Not the supporting Monarch team, mind you, but the "family." This is one of the most poorly written families I've seen in a while. It's just baffling. They are very, very unlikable people. You don't really get to know them much, and moments where you do, you just don't like them. They are not easy to root for. It's a very similar problem to a lot of other disaster movies, where they pick a bunch of high strung, angry, selfish people as your leads to the point where you're kind of rooting for the disaster to get them, and that's sadly the other half of this film.

In short, they do the kaiju stuff well, but the humans drag the movie down a couple of enjoyment levels, if you ask me. Let's get to it.

Overall Grade: C

Spoilers ahead.

Pros:

-Godzilla and the other monsters look and sound great. They truly feel like their title: Titans. The movie does a good job of offering scale and giving you different perspectives to understand the size and scope of these creatures, and it's very cool to see some of them in the flesh while others are just named. They name-dropped Kong three times that I counted, but he's still Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Movie, which is irritating, but I also think that's for two reasons: (1) they need to build the hype train and sadly this movie is not on track to do well, as evidenced by my theater only having about eight people total in it opening weekend, and they need all the help they can get if they truly want to turn this into a franchise (2) they want to give him and Godzilla an entire rivalry film to themselves instead of just making him an extra here in this movie. Give them the room to breathe and be rivals in their own film rather than just shoehorning Kong into this debut of the other kaiju. But back to my point, the monsters all feel corporeal and intimidating. I really liked Mothra's design in particular. She looks gorgeous and is kind of the Ugly Cute variety of monster. I very much enjoyed seeing these creatures with some good effects given to them (although there are a few spots where it could look better, but WB struggles with this a lot, I've noticed) and the sounds they make are tremendous and impressive.

-The monster fights are pretty solid. I do admit that Pacific Rim kind of raised my bar for kaiju fights even though I know it's not the same story, but that to me is the perfect balance of human characters who are actually likable and useful versus giant monsters. I think it just should be a good blueprint for how to run the show if you're advertising giant monsters blowing up shit and beating the stuffing out of each other. I think the monster fights in King of Monsters are paced well and you can mostly understand where they are in relation to each other and how evenly matched they are. There were also smaller, neat details like seeing Mothra in her larva state then evolve into her adult form. That's very cool and creative and I enjoyed that little detail. The final smackdown with Godzilla and Ghidorah was a good monster mash, and I appreciate them giving it time and not cutting away. Godzilla's finishing move was 100% badass. Kudos to the big Lizard Boi, and kudos to Mothra for coming to help her lizard boyfriend as well against Rodan.

-The Monarch team is dicey at best, but the humans actually did more than just following him around like in Godzilla '14. It was actually a smart idea to introduce the ORCA and the concept of trying to at least either soothe or summon the monsters. I liked it a lot, and it was relatively realistic. We as a species are stupid and would of course try nukes first, but once they learned that these things actually feed on radiation and it makes them stronger, then they would be forced to find alternative options. It allowed the human characters to finally be truly relevant and not just dumb, wide-eyed spectators (although, God, there was a lot of that in this movie) and it gave the whole thing a sort of story.

-Just like the previous movie, Ken Watanabe gave a performance this movie did not deserve. He's just one of those actors where he's so seasoned that even though God knows this movie's script is not fucking Shakespeare, you could still tell that he cared a lot about the project and was easily the best actor hands down.

-I'm glad Emma dies. Fuck her. Thank you for having the teeth to not try and give her some shitty redemption that she wouldn't have deserved anyway. Thank you for sticking to your guns and doing just like Deep Blue Sea and letting the person responsible for all that death take the final bow for her shitty fucking actions.

-This has nothing to do with the canon, but I had a really cool idea: what if Last Action Hero Bad Guy is Tom Hiddleston's character from Kong: Skull Island? Wouldn't that be fucking neat?! It just occurred to me that since Hiddleston's character was probably in his 30's during the 1970's, he'd be in his 70's during this film and he's a tall, thin British dude. I would love it if we got some kind of backstory reveal that something happened that caused Hiddleston's character to turn against Monarch. Wouldn't that be a good idea for a second Kong movie? Seeing the hero turn to the villain for the sake of saving the planet? Man, I like that idea a lot, but that's me.

-I was glad to see Ziyi Zhang return to a big screen movie. I liked her and felt bad about what happened to her career, so it was cool seeing little bits of story, especially about how Asian cultures do in fact consider reptiles to be helpful and not hurtful. That was a neat little mythos thing for me.

Cons:

-As mentioned above, I hated this fucking family. This family is just unbearable. I know the film is ham-fisted in its attempts to deal with loss and tragedy and a broken home, but there is a way to do that. There is a way to write characters reconciling and putting aside a rough history to come together. This is not the way. It's so sloppily written that I was throwing my hands up in exasperation at certain points. They are so unlikable. You see so little of their home life, first off, that there is no real connection to get to know them. This is a common problem in action movies these days, too--they don't know how to set the stage and just rush into action. It's true we come to action movies for action, but that doesn't mean we don't also want to enjoy the characters we're spending time with. We know it's fully possible to have action packed movies with well-written leads. It's been done for decades, so this movie has no excuse for why the three family members are aggressively terrible. Emma is a selfish, thoughtless bitch and her motivations make zero sense. Mark is just an angry ex-alcoholic who just barely is relevant enough to be in the story. Madison is damn near a blank slate daughter archetype with little to offer except to be something to rescue. Even with one brief flashback of when they were happy, we're not given a reason to root for them because you never get to know them and the few character traits they do display are just awful. For that reason, we're gonna give Emma her own bullet point to explain why she is just the worst.

-Emma's motivation is completely ass-backwards. Going the eco-terrorism point makes no fucking sense for what happened to her. Hear me out. I can see what this movie was going for, and I know it's kind of an odd comparison, but what they ended up with is basically blonde Thanos. Fuck this woman. Fuck this woman for deciding that she's right and millions of other people need to die because she thinks she is right about something, and she was fucking wrong. 100% fucking wrong. It made no sense that because Godzilla killed your kid, you're gonna slaughter tens of thousands of other kids to "restore the earth" and make it some kind of utopia. You're gonna subject innocent lives to torture and death and trauma in the hopes that titantic animals you cannot at all control and barely understand will raze everything to ashes and then shit can grow again. This is some deeply white people shit, too. Sorry to pull that card, but yes, this is a full-on white people mentality of doing something that will hurt everyone else BUT YOU and thinking you have the right to make that fucking decision. She and Maddie were somewhere safe, and she told her ex-husband to go somewhere safe too, and then she pulled a trigger that killed millions of fucking people whose only crimes were existing. That environmentalist message was utter shit. Is the earth overpopulated and polluted? Yep. But the fucking solution is not to kill half the goddamn population. The solution is to work together and overthrow the corrupt people keeping us from finding realistic ways to solve the problem, not wiping out half of humanity while you sit in a goddamn doomsday bunker sipping coffee and congratulating yourself. The crazy thing is this blonde Thanos bullshit did not need to happen. Last Action Hero Bad Guy was perfectly fine in this role of basically the kaiju version of Ra's Al Ghul. It made sense for him to be like, "ay, fuck y'all for killing the earth, let's let the monsters have it back and then clean up afterward." All you had to do was keep it the way it was presented to us: he kidnapped her and the kid and forced them to help wake up the monsters. There was no need to for this idiotic Deep Blue Sea nonsense of her agreeing with him and somehow setting it up. Which, by the way, made no goddamn sense because he kills all those innocent scientists in the lab at the beginning of the movie. Did she know he would do that? If so, fuck her. Fuck her in the ass sideways for killing her own teammates. She could have met him somewhere else. What was with the guns and shit if she's the one who came up with this dumb idea? I hate everything about this character and I am glad she died in the end because she was as much a fucking monster as King Ghidorah.

-The dialogue in this movie is atrocious. Look, I get it, it's a generic action movie. But come on. There were seriously points where I just rolled my eyes or threw my hands up in exasperation because there were just so many Captain Obvious comments or unfunny one-liners thrown back and forth. It's painful to endure some of this shit. The "humor" in particular really hurts, because you can see they put pauses after certain lines where they think the audience is laughing, and trust me, no, we were NOT laughing. Stupid shit like telling a character to "hold on" as a fucking maelstrom is trying to blow them away or just other dumb filler dialogue that makes me wanna slap my forehead. It's egregious.

-The Monarch team is still kind of as stupid as the last movie. Not completely, but they were reaching hard in certain cases and they still felt useless. One example that drove me insane was when Godzilla went back to his bachelor pad to recharge, they then say this is where he comes to heal...and then proceed to nuke that shit. And I'm like...bitch, whatchu gon' do now if he gets hurt?! You're just gonna find him and nuke him every single time he's hurt?! What the fuck kind of plan is that? I get that the movie writers wanted a sense of urgency, but that was such an idiotic way to accomplish something needed for the plot. They introduced a cool concept and then eliminated it immediately. Oy. Another example is Mark's dumbass screaming for Maddie like she can possibly hear him at Fenway Park with fucking Ghidorah and Godzilla literally fighting right on top of the stadium. Are you kidding me? My God, Mark is stupid. He did the same thing when he ran into the base with a fucking pistol screaming her name and letting the armed mercs know exactly where the hell he was. I am shocked his dumbass didn't get immediately picked off. Moron.

-Sarigawa's death was some full-on nonsense. Fuck you for killing the only credible actor in the entire movie, and what's worse is that it very much feels like a person of color dying for the sake of some goddamn white people. Because, yes, folks, I'm sorry, this is a white woman's fault. All this shit is because a white woman wanted to be Thanos and now this awesome dude has to sacrifice himself. Fuck off. I hate this point in the story, even though bless Watanabe for giving us the only credible emotional scene in the entire movie.

-Even though she was barely a character, I disliked Sally Hawkins biting it randomly in the first third, and not getting much reverence. No, we didn't know shit about her, but it felt like the movie just said "fuck it" and moved right along like it was no big deal. I don't know why they even bothered.

-How in God's name did they somehow "sneak" Ghidorah's whole ass head out of fucking Boston with no one noticing? It's a giant dragon head! How did you fucking do that and no one saw you bring it all the way to Mexico? I swear to God, this movie is filled with plotholes. I'm fine with them setting up Mecha Ghidorah or just cloning him all over again, but why couldn't it just have been in Boston and they just snuck in during the dead of night and moved it somewhere nearby? That thing is gigantic and it's a hard pill to swallow that they just left without anyone noticing it.

EDIT: A fan corrected me that this was the head that Godzilla ripped off before the end fight, so the above point is invalid. Nice catch! Thank you! 

-Nitpick: Did Mothra die? That was unclear. I hope not. She's the Queen. I'll have to ask some Godzilla fans to explain what they thought happened after Ghidorah blasted her in the final fight.

-Nitpick: Good God, these human characters survive shit that would easily kill a normal person and it is a little bit grating on the nerves to suspend your disbelief this hard.

-Nitpick: I hate it when monsters the size of fucking buildings somehow notice tiny ass humans enough to bother giving them their attention or even their ire. "An ant has no quarrel with a boot." I hated it in '98 Godzilla and I still hate it. Something on that scale should not even vaguely bother with one tiny human being, but that's me.

I know I have some very heavy criticisms, but this is still a decent flick if you're just going to shell out for a matinee showing. The monsters are great and entertaining and there's plenty of fighting to go around that is worth a peek, especially the end fight with Ghidorah and Godzilla. It was pretty cool to see in IMAX as well, but I leave that up to you folks if it's worth it.

Kyo out.

[plotlinehotline]

Hi! I'm struggling with a character aspect integral to plot where one of the main characters has amnesia. In his amnesia he's adopted a new identity but his true self is meant to bleed through as the story progresses and then come to light in a big reveal. How is it best to do this, gradually revealing something is wrong without giving it away? His amnesiac self is best friends with the other main character but she hates his true self who she's never met but knows about due to past. Thank you!!

Amnesia Plots

Disclaimer: The idea of medical induced amnesia is not as common as portrayed in movies and on television, and it is massively misrepresented. For more information, please proceed to @scriptmedic‘s tag on amnesia. These posts are thoroughly creditable if you’re considering writing realistic, medical induced amnesia. If, however, the amnesia you’re referring to is magically induced, then settle in for a bit because I’ve got LOTS to say :)

@meet-the-girl-who-can​

Hey there! 

So there are a couple layers to this question, and I want to touch on both, but first I think it’s crucial to understand intimately what is causing your character’s amnesia, as the cause will play a big role in how it manifests throughout your story. So if you are you writing about a character who experienced some kind of physical trauma to the head and wound up with amnesia, I highly recommend you check out @scriptmedic’s posts I linked in my little disclaimer, in particular this one. 

If the character’s amnesia is the result of some kind of magical spell, curse, supernatural phenomenon, or other fantasy-driven cause, then start by making an “amnesia sheet,” or a page/section in your outline or story notes that is dedicated to understanding your story universe’s portrayal of magical amnesia. The information on this page should answer the following questions:

Who/What triggered the amnesia?

This could be a person, a cult or organization, a creature, or other sentient being that decided for some reason that they wanted this character to have amnesia. It may also be that this person intended to do something else to your character, and the amnesia was simply an accidental side effect.

Additionally, it may not be a character at all, but maybe the result of some event your character was close to and simply absorbed the effects. 

Bottom line - who/what is responsible? Who or what is to blame for the amnesia? 

Why did they trigger the amnesia?

If the answer to your first question was a person, an organization, or what-have-you, how does that person benefit from your character having amnesia? What problem does it solve for them, or what need does it fulfill? If the character did NOT have amnesia, how would that impact the person’s goals/wants/problems?

How did they trigger the amnesia? (SUPER IMPORTANT)

This is where you get into the details of how your magical amnesia actually works. Even magic needs logic, which means you’ll need to spend some time world-building if you’re not able to really explain what is causing the amnesia. Once you know what’s causing it, you’ll know how it’s even possible for the character’s “old self” to bleed through. 

For example, let’s say the character’s amnesia was caused by exposure to like…I dunno, some weird magical beam of light, and the magical beam contains a specific type of energy or element that the character continues to come in contact with throughout their daily life. Once the character’s exposure is lessened, the amnesia starts to deteriorate, and memories of their old life, or feelings they used to have, are able to come through. Scientifically, it makes no sense, but logically? Logically, it does. Magic doesn’t have to be real to be logical. 

Now onto the actual question…

How to reveal his true self bleeding through without giving anything away?

If you don’t want readers to know the background of who he actually is until it’s revealed in the story, you’re going to have to be strategic about what you show and don’t show. Strategize based on the following:

1) Point of View

The best way to keep secrets from readers is to stay out of the heads of the characters that know the secrets. You mentioned in your ask that the amnesiac’s best friend knows all about his past. It also sounds like this character is doing everything she can to prevent the character from remembering his past, since she hates that part of him. What that means is that a good portion of her motivation is tied up in keeping him who he is, and to successfully play that out, she would want to know:

A) What caused his amnesia

B) How to stop him from remembering

Which means she would need to do some legwork to figure these things out, and to me it seems like that is a key part of the story. If you’re inside her head, writing scenes from her perspective, it will be next to impossible to hide these motivations, actions, and ultimately this backstory of who he really is. While you can certainly delay revealing certain details until they’re appropriate to share, this entire story seems wrapped around this character’s amnesia, and it gets really tricky trying to tell a story without really telling it, you know?

When facing this conundrum, I would suggest staying out of her head as much as you can. Focus your point of view on the amnesiac’s perspective, since he is the one that will ultimately be remembering this past anyway. What an impactful reveal it will be when he discovers the truth about who he is, and that she knew the whole time and was likely holding him back in his attempts to discover this truth. They’re best friends, yet she was keeping a HUGE secret from him, and that creates immediate conflict in a pivotal turning point in your story. 

If you go this route, you’ll want to be dropping hints that she knows more than she says throughout the story, or signs that she’s trying to stop him from looking too closely at these moments where his past self comes through, or even just scenes where she’s absent and seems unwilling or nervous to admit where she was or what she’s been doing. Let readers know that she’s keeping a secret without revealing what that secret is. 

Obviously you know more about your story, and you know which point of view will work best, but these are my recommendations based on what you’ve given me. 

2) Backstory

Remember how I told you to really understand the cause of the amnesia? This should be a big point of conflict in your plot, which means whatever caused this should return at some point. I talked about the villain needing a reason to induce this amnesia, so obviously it��s going to be a problem if your character starts remembering, and that villain will need to intervene. If there was no villain per se, and it was an occurrence or event that caused it, then think about what that event did to the rest of the world, or if there were others affected. Create an additional conflict out of that moment that the amnesia begun and allow that conflict to come back. 

For example, if a villain did induce the amnesia, and they were able to sense that first moment where the amnesia began to deteriorate, then they may act on it. They may come after the character, in order to do something to keep them from remembering, and that intervention may actually accelerate how quickly their memory returns and how intensely it returns. Let your backstory help you. Backstory isn’t meant to make stories interesting - it’s meant to explain why things are the way they are so that you can accurately portray how things ultimately end up. Backstory also adds complexity to an otherwise simple idea. So think deep about the backstory and allow it to inspire you. 

I also just realized I’ve been referring to this person who caused the amnesia as the villain, and perhaps if this amnesiac was really a bad person, then whoever changed who they were isn’t a villain in the classic sense of the word, but your plot is too complex for me to try to rectify using that word (and I mean that in a good way ;)

3) Finally - what this all looks like in actual scenes

Congratulations if you’ve made it all the way through this post, because here’s where all this abstract discussion starts to make actual sense. Gradually show his memory returning by using “triggers” or things that cause him to revert, not in personality per se, but in instinctual reactions. 

Think of things from his previous life that would evoke strong reactions - fears he may have had, pleasures he enjoyed, significant objects, or sounds/smells. Memories are strongest when they’re associated with our feelings and our senses. So brainstorm a list of possible triggers that will make him react and then pause because the reaction seemed out-of-place. If your character had a notably bad experience with a snake in their past life, and they see a snake and it makes them freak out far more than what seems normal, that could trigger the memory of this terrible snake experience. He also might react in anger to something that shouldn’t have angered him so much, but his instinct tells him that this reaction is appropriate. (These are super basic examples, but you get the idea).

These aren’t full blown flashbacks/visions of the past - they’re just moments of him recalling something. He must know he has amnesia, so these seemingly random memories are likely not a new thing for him. He’ll likely embrace the memories, as long as they’re not too unpleasant, because it’s helping him understand who he really is. Eventually, the memories may get scary, and he’ll want to start pushing them away. That could result in them coming stronger than ever. 

At some point, he may start to dream about his past, and depending on its appropriateness in your story, you could then add flashbacks/visions, which would add some more intensity to his internal conflict. 

In stories like this, there is also usually one moment near the climax where something big happens that causes the whole thing to come rushing back and they remember everything. I don’t think that’s a bad thing, especially if you’re building to this throughout the story. How you develop everything else I’ve discussed in this post will also determine what this big scene will look like. 

In the end…

Work on developing your story some more. Often times you’ll discover problems when you’re plotting and you’ll think you need to go directly to the solution in order to move forward. But the truth is, if you kind of work around a problem, and develop other aspects of your plot, you’ll more than likely come back around to that original problem with a solution in hand, without ever having to actively look for it. 

Good luck! I hope this was useful.

-Rebekah

[howlsmovinglibrary]

So I finished ACOWAR

This is in no way a coherent or articulate piece of writing in the same way my ACOTAR/ACOMAF piece tried to be, and I don’t think it even can be called a review, because I don’t tend to review books that already have this much visibility in the booklr community. It’s more just the notes I made while reading ACOWAR, which I kind of felt was the weakest book in the series so far (and if you haven’t already guessed it, I’m not much of a fan to begin with).

This entire piece is basically just spoilers, and salt, so please don’t read unless you already know/don’t mind finding out some major plot points!

First off, can I just say that every time ‘the male’ or ‘the female’ is used as a descriptor, I wince. I think it is a) bad writing and b) cis-centric as fuck. There needs to be more non-binary people in fantasy!

This book was so….bloated. It needed to be edited down a lot – the sheer number of chapters is insane. I had this poignant realisation when I read five chapters of High Fae trash talk at the faerie High Lord meeting and then…the thing they were having a meeting over just…happened anyway? And the meeting suddenly had no meaning whatsoever?

So many abusers are now being made into sympathetic/rehabilitated figures. I took Rhys’ redemption arc in ACOMAF because I kind of suspected that that was the way his and Feyre’s relationship were going to pan out but….both Eris and Tamlin received sympathy, and were made into heroes or forces for good at some point in the plot? Feyre forgave Tamlin? Mor’s abuse at the hands of Keir and Eris is pushed aside because ‘times are hard’ and ‘tough choices have to be made’? And Mor had literally no say or agency in that decision?

Meanwhile we have Ianthe. an abusive woman who’s entire character is one-dimensional villainy and demonised female sexuality. She is portrayed as having not a single scrap of goodness in her soul, not one redeeming characteristic, someone who Feyre has no moral quandary over letting be munched up by the Weaver. Even though her use of sex could realistically be portrayed as a product of internalised misogyny? And yet the men who ‘nailed a message’ into Mor’s womb get nuanced portrayal, the benefit of the doubt in the run up to the war, and even moments of heroism?????

I’m not saying that Ianthe should be redeemed, I just don’t understand why this instance of sexual abuse is so utterly condemned to the point where we watch her smash her own hand in some kind of medieval punishment, and yet the instances of sexual abuse perpetrated by men are all given a degree of either redemption or pardoning because of the circumstances of the plot. Is it because female to male abuse is more taboo and thus seen as more ‘evil’? Because SJM has so ingrained male-to-female sexual abuse into the very fabric of her patriarchal fantasy society, that we and Mor are expected to just accept that this is ‘the way things are’, or even write it off out of necessity as ‘boys will be boys’? I HAVE NO IDEA AND IT MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE.

Given my recent essay on the subject, I was interested that SJM tried to problematize and dismantle the concept of mating bonds a little in the conversation Feyre and Rhysand have about Lucien and Elain. It’s made into ‘Some natural function, not an indication of true, paired souls’ (Chapter 24). There was even the handwave of ‘oh this homosexual relationship may be the product of a mating bond, but they’re probably keeping it a secret from everyone’.

To be honest, I don’t think it succeeded in explaining away the problematic elements of mating. The biological imperatives were still there, ‘the bond is nothing more than...preordained guesswork at who will provide the strongest offspring’ (Chapter 24). Aggression was still a major part of the male side of the bond (like when we get the internal monologue of Lucien and witness him fighting his ‘instincts’) and it’s still implied that men are slaves to the desire that the bond generates, whereas women don’t feel it as strongly/can control their physical desires? ‘But the males...It can drive them mad. It is their burden to fight through’ (Chapter 24) This has some serious ramifications in terms of gendered conceptions of sexual drive. In my opinion, mating bonds are still squicky.

I now mostly just want SJM to put her money where her mouth is and follow through on her attempts at muddying the water: if she insists on pairing the spares, have Elaine get together with Azriel rather than Lucien, and show a relationship where the mating bond is terminated not because of outright physical abuse on the side of the male, but because of a romantic attraction overcoming a sexual/biological one. (Yes, I ship it. Or rather, I ship Elaine overcoming her trauma and going on to be a badass seer, building herself a temple and calling out bullshit like Cassandra in ancient Troy. But if she needs to have a boyf – and it’s SJM so she probably does – I want it to be Sad Shadow Man.)

‘Helion favours both males and females. Usually together in bed’ (Chapter 47). I’m not saying that bisexuality can’t work this way, but I gather that SJM has used the hypersexualised bisexual trope before. 

I think that perhaps Mor’s jealousy of Nessian is because she’s attracted to Nesta (a la season 1 Korrasami)? But even so her possessiveness of Cassian and her hostility towards Nesta was horrible and OOC and made me angry every time it happened. I hate it whenever female-female relationships are sacrificed because of a guy, but it is particularly frustrating in a book where male-female relationships are definitely already the priority. And given the way that Nessian is reaching canonical status, even if you do attribute the jealousy to female-female attraction, it’s only going to end badly for Mor.

Feyre used Mor’s sexuality as a weapon against her after she was justifiably called out on reckless behaviour. Fuck off Feyre.

I know that Azriel is a good character. I know this. And yet this book turned his relationship with Mor into this awful poster child ‘friendzone’ dynamic, where Mor feels pressurised to hide her sexuality because of the hurt it will cause *him*. I don’t think this is a fault of the characters, but of the entire treatment of their friendship and SJM’s portrayal of Mor’s queerness as a burden.

No main characters die. In this apparently impossible war that basically ends in an afternoon. No – everyone is magically resurrected after barely five pages.

Bonus points for not even having the courage to keep Amren out of fae form and thus rip up her incipient ship with Varien. You could have written an entire book on the inner circle going off on a quest to find and subdue a superhuman dragon Amren unshackled from the bonds of human morality. But no. She’s ‘in the cauldron’.

DEUS EX MACHINAS (dragon ex machinas?) MAKE ME WANT TO SCREAM. Find a better way to resolve your conflicts. Especially when even the decision to unshackle Amren from her human form in order for her to become the Deus ex Machina in question has literally no lasting consequences.

Speaking of deus ex machinas: is anyone else annoyed that the only death god who survives the battle is Bryaxis, the one who only asked for a window in exchange for his services, rather than freedom and an implicit murder spree? This means that there are literally no consequences to these so-called ‘tough decisions’ that have to be made in times of war, and everything can just go on fine. ‘No evil death gods were permanently unleashed in the making of this war.’

Can I forcibly rip SJM away from the Russian mythology that she is no doubt going to butcher in the continuation of this series? As soon as I read the name ‘Koschei’ I groaned aloud. You can’t just take whatever mythology you like and use it to make your own magic system! You’ve already detached the Morrigan from any semblance of Celtic Mythology!!!

That being said, I did like:

That the Archeron sisters FINALLY seem to be forming a strong friendship rather than the girl-on-girl hate mess it’s been for the past few books. I liked that Nesta was as powerful as Feyre, and had a more integral role in the final battle than she did.

I liked that in Feysand we see a stable ‘after they get together’ relationship. I still think ACOMAF is ‘stronger’ as a book, as SJM is better at writing romance than plot, but at least there was no needless YA angst, beyond Rhys’ martyrdom complex.

And this sounds awful, but I’m glad that Feyre had a PTSD relapse. I felt that in ACOMAF, her recovery from mental illness was equated a little too strongly with her growing romance with Rhys. Love doesn’t cure mental illness, and I’m glad the SJM showed that.

But overall, this book (much like this commentary) was a bit of a rambling mess of little consequence.

[broken-winged-sparrow]

Is there a particular reason as to why rape and sexual assault is considered more severe of a crime in Asmodae rather than in Elysea? I mean, they look and act like vicious killers, I find it hard to believe that rape of the enemy would be considered such a severe war crime when they say "blood for blood" instead of "good morning". I also find it kinda weird how Ariel would turn a blind eye to the abuse of her own people(Nico) and Azphel punish his own for abusing the enemy

As previously stated: the opinions of the author that are canon to the Lay are not always canon to Aion.

The Lay is written as an alternate history. The first part of understanding what that means is realizing that there will always be some form of cognitive dissonance between modern values and morals and those of the past, and it only gets stronger the further back you go. Consider that civil rights for minorities in the RL West have really only been a thing for 50-something years, in a society which is much more technologically advanced and with immensely more swift currents of cultural change. I have living relatives who remember what it was like to live in the middle of segregation - I even have one living relative who remembers what it was like during World War II. That’s not even a century removed, in a society where people who actually live to be a century old are relatively rare.

Consider how much greater the cognitive dissonance in a society where those in power live hundreds of years. Thousands of years. Picture the difference in attitude between yourself and your parents, your grandparents; now imagine how vast the difference in attitude and thought between Jaya, barely out of her teens, and someone like Ariel, who has been a Daeva since the dawn of recorded Atreian history, for whom mortality is a distant glimmering memory at best.

For Ariel, the idea that the patriarch of the Sethes would sell his family to House Beltaine as indentured servants is not even strange, because such practices have happened in her lifetime before and may again, if need arises. Such alliances between a noble house and a much lesser one were once a reasonable move to secure safety on the part of the indebted and security and service on the part of the debtor. Admittedly, the Sethes are perhaps the very last example extant of such a practice in Atreia, there are none left in Asmodae, where such a practice never really took hold anyway.

Now, to someone raised in the current atmosphere, such as Jaya or Oros or even Kit, the very concept is as abhorrent as slavery or segregation or discrimination would be to us. This is why Oros was so moved to extract Nico from her precarious position - and why he refused to let Taion do it in his stead, as much as Taion wanted to. As Taion is a prince of Helios, monetary buyout of Nico’s debt to Beltaine would be viewed, legally, merely as a transfer of ownership from one House to the other. Oros, acting as his father who was not of noble standing, instead took the third option.

As far as Ariel is concerned, House Beltaine has kept to the agreement they had with the Sethes line. As this agreement predates any legislature that might make it moot or null, it is grandfathered through and stands until she has interest in seeing it broken - which she might see fit to do, if, say, Nico brought charges or demonstrated evidence against Liath Beltaine and his house for the mistreatment of herself and her family.

As Nico herself has not made such a move, in Ariel’s eyes, the matter is settled. She has other concerns to hold her attention.

Secondly, Asphel is just as old as Ariel, maybe even a handful of years older - which is splitting hairs when we’re making comparisons on a scale of tens of thousands, really, but it bears saying. To his mind and eye, there are certain behaviors that are tolerable on field of war and certain ones that are not, and like Ariel and the Sethes debate, what he considers honorable and right does not always jive with the modern perception. But consider this: Asphel’s greatest drive, the thing that makes him the happiest and keeps him on the front lines thousands of years after he could have comfortably retired to Pandaemonium, is the hunt for a worthy opponent. Very few can hold their own against even the bridled might of Asmodae’s greatest Lord - and half the point of seeking a worthy foe is being a worthy adversary in his own right. He yearns for that sense of challenge, of balance, of knowing that the one who stands unyielding before him will change him as surely as his presence changes them. Ariel fills her years with courtly plots and idle dalliances with lovers; Asphel fills his searching for those strong enough to make his pulse jump in battle.

A rival worth the name demands the utmost of respect, even in defeat; Asphel has wept for such foes, when they pass from Atreia into the hands of Aion. There are Elyos warriors whose entire bloodlines have died out, powerful Daevas whose names are no longer recorded in Elyos history, but Asphel remembers them. He still speaks their names, grants them some measure of truth in immortality, because they stood the test of his blades without flinching. They each made a mark on his soul that demands to be honored, to be exalted.

And the unwilling sexual domination of a defeated foe, to Asphel, is the ultimate disrespect to what he perceives as the most sacred bond a warrior like himself can have.

Now, willing sexual dominance is a whole ‘nother ballgame. Consent is king, among Asmodians. Sex can get crazy when you’re talking about a society of people who admire scars as badges of strength, when a people as a whole have urges that might all too easily be classified as violent or even abusive; bondage, submission/dominance, blood play, blade play, all that shit is par for the course for the average Asmodian relationship. Kink isn’t derided, it’s embraced, if behind closed doors - because that kind of thing is between you and your partner/s and no one else. Trust is paramount when you’re talking about claws and teeth that can irrevocably harm or kill at a moment’s notice, and without the consent of everyone involved, there is no trust. 

Now, as mentioned before, that isn’t to say it doesn’t happen. You are always going to have cases where things get out of hand, and every society has its predators and people who make bad decisions that result in permanent trauma to others, and Asphel is only one being, albeit a ludicrously powerful one. But as far as Asphel is concerned, if he catches you breaking such a sacred trust - with the enemy or with your own - you deserve every bit of what happens to you afterwards. No quarter and no fucks are given.

Thirdly, because this is, again, an alternate history in a timeline that may or may not fit in with current Aion canon, you can’t compare the current culture and behavior of Asmodians in the game to the culture and behavior of Asmodians in the Lay without having to account for what might have changed in the hundred-plus years between one and the other.

The language used here also troubles me. Does Jaya, raised wholly Asmodian no matter the questionable muddle of her bloodline, strike you as a “vicious killer”? Does our resident favorite bastard, raised by an Asmodian mother, Oros? Jaya holds her honor more dear than her own life, and Oros, while proficient with a blade, is not cruel in battle. Would you describe the calculations and plans of the White Dragon as marking him a “vicious killer”? How about the mercies and kindnesses he shows, or his refusal to bow before racial prejudice? Do these make him more vicious?

Painting one side of the conflict with bold and bloody strokes does not for a realistic, or even interesting, story make. The point of the Lay is not to portray one side as wholly right and the other wholly wrong. If the characters you saw in the Lay were all cardboard cutouts - if those antagonists arranged against the protagonists were laughable caricatures - then would you be as interested, as invested in the events as they unfold? If Jaya were a boring perfect hero-figure, would you give the first damn about her story? If the White Dragon were a villain dripping with obnoxious evil instead of a complicated antagonist with his own motives and morals, would you care at all why he does what he does? For that matter, why should Ariel not be a sweet, saccharine angel or Asphel a bloodthirsty, immoral murderer? Are these more true portrayals?

I refuse to write characters like that, as flat stereotypes. It’s a disservice to the readers who are expected to swallow them, and to the characters, who are expected to be people and not cartoons.

The point of the Lay is to show you that good people sometimes do bad things, and that bad people sometimes demonstrate a great depth of goodness. I’ve said it before, the overarching theme of the Lay is duality. No one here is completely right or completely wrong - completely guilty or completely innocent.