#trapeze; the unexpurgated diary

[mournfulroses]

Anaïs Nin, from a diary entry featured in Trapeze: The Unexpurgated Diary of Anais Nin, 1947-1955

[petaltexturedskies]

Anaïs Nin, from a diary entry featured in Trapeze: The Unexpurgated Diary of Anaïs Nin, 1947-1955

[metamorphesque]

— Anaïs Nin, Trapeze: The Unexpurgated Diary of Anaïs Nin, 1947–1955

[89rooms]

The only true courage I have is to feel everything. I do not always act or dare to live out my decisions, but I experience them emotionally to the fullest.

Anaïs Nin- diary entry 'Trapeze: The Unexpurgated Diary of Anaïs Nin, 1947–1955'

[89words]

She is lush and prolific like the tropics, and like the tropics, absorbing.

Anaïs Nin - diary entry in ‘Trapeze: The Unexpurgated Diary of Anaïs Nin, 1947–1955’

[boricuacherry-blog]

Anais Nin, born Angela Anais Juana Antolina Rosa Edelmira Nin y Culmell, was the daughter of Cuban expats living in France. Though her early life was spent living in Spain and France, her family moved to the United States when she was young. In spite of her love of literature, she dropped out of high school at sixteen to be an artist's model for money. Her father had left the family, leaving them almost destitute and forcing Anais to be a second mother to her two brothers while helping her mother earn money. During this time she met and married her first husband, wealthy banker Hugh Parker Guiler. Together they moved to Paris in 1923. There she began what would become her diaries. Guiler did not wish to be part of her published works and so his presence had mostly been edited out of the diaries. Nin had an interest in psychoanalysis which led to an affair with prominent psychoanalyst Otto Rank as well as several patients when she herself worked as a practicing psychoanalyst. She also published a critic of author D.H. Lawrence.

It was also during this time that Nin met Henry Miller. Miller was attempting and failing to support himself as a writer. As a huge fan of his work, Nin began financially supporting Miller using money from her husband and from Otto Rank. Nin supported Miller throughout the 30s and had an affair throughout much of this time, which is detailed in her journals. She believed Miller to be the father of the fetus she aborted in the 40s.

In addition to providing food and housing for Miller, she also financed the publication of Tropic of Cancer, effectively launching his career. After that, she became a sought-after friend to struggling artists who were eager to make her acquaintance, impress her, and hopefully benefit from her generosity when it came to supporting work she loved.

In 1936, Nin published her first fictional work, House of Incest. Though it was later revealed in a posthumous unexpurgated diary that Nin had been sexually abused by her father as a child and later had a sexual relationship with him in her thirties, the premise of the seventy-two page novel was an exploration of the incestuous and conceited self-love that allows people to only love in others the things they recognize as being similar to themselves. Largely allegorical and symbolic, the novel is influenced by Nin's experience with psychoanalysis.

Since the publication of her diary detailing her real life experience with incest and the knowledge that the novel was written during the time she was engaging in an incestuous relationship with her father as an adult, it has become increasingly common for modern critics to read more into the symbolism of the novel as it pertains to her experience with incest. Simultaneously, Nin wrote the manuscript that would become Winter of Artifice.

In 1947, she met Rupert Pole, who she would become married to, unbeknownst to her still-husband Guiler, and Nin began what she referred to as a "bicoastal trapeze." Nin's marriage with Pole was later annulled, but they continued their relationship.

In the 60s, the feminist movement sparked a new interest in Nin as a diarist and fiction writer, and she was invited to speak at universities across the world, though as recently as 1954 she had thrown a book release party in which none of the critics she had invited showed up. Publishers that had rejected her for years were seeking her out and essays were published exploring her work. She began publishing her erotic fiction, some of which she had written years earlier.

In 1977, Nin passed away from cervical cancer at the height of her popularity. A small scandal broke out when two newspapers in her two different cities of residence published conflicting obituaries stating two different grieving husbands. It was later revealed through letters that while Guiler did not know for some time, she had written him a letter of apology, and he had responded with forgiveness and a comment on how much meaning she had brought to his life.

-Adrienne Rivera

[texaschainsawmascara]

Fairytale (Let Me Live My Life This Way) - Rebecca Ferguson / Dreams - Cassie Steele / The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. I: “March, 1933” / Trapeze, Fire, Incest From "A Journal of Love": The Unexpurgated Diary of Anaïs Nin / The Diary of Anaïs Nin, 1944–1947 / Linotte; The Early Diary of Anaïs Nin: 1914-1920 / The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. 1: 1931-1934 / Recollections of My Nonexistence: A Memoir - Rebecca Solnit / The Virgin Suicides / Loss of Breath - Edgar Allen Poe / Dancing - Mellow Fellow / unknown / The Strangest Dream - Harshita Jhawar / Alex Turner / Never Too Late - Three Days Grace / La Collectionneuse / Daydreaming - Paramore / Windblown World - Jack Kerouac / Madness: A Bipolar Life - Marya Hornbacher / A Little Devil in America: Notes in Praise of Black Performance - Hanif Abdurraqib / Poems 1962-2012 - Louise Glück / The Pages of Day and Night - Adonis, trans. Samuel Hazo / 4.48 Psychosis - Sarah Kane / Demian - Hermann Hesse / The Poems of Octavio Paz; “The Prisoner”, Octavio Paz, trans. Eliot Weinberger / unknown / The Hour of the Star - Clarice Lispector / Maggie Stiefvater / Fyodor Dostoyevsky / Haruki Murakami / V.E. Schwab / The Book of Disquiet - Fernando Pessoa / Remembrance of Things Past Vol. 1 - Marcel Proust / A Streetcar Named Desire - Tennessee Williams / 2046 / Hausu (House) (1977) / La fille prodigue (The Prodigal Daughter) / Love and Space Dust - David Jones / 37°2 le matin (Betty Blue) / Unknown / Sputnik Sweetheart - Haruki Murakami / Complete Works, a letter to Violet Dickinson - Virginia Woolf / Back In Town - Florence + The Machine / Unknown / The Diary of Anaïs Nin, 1931–1934 / Heavy - The Marías / The God of Small Things - Arundhati Roy / Complete Poems, 1904-1962 - E.E. Cummings / Complete Works, Vol. 1: “The��Birthday Party” - Harold Pinter / Clarice Lispector / N.M. Sanchez / Det sjunde inseglet (The Seventh Seal) / please put me in a medically induced coma - carolesdaughter

[weltenwellen]

Anaïs Nin, Trapeze: The Unexpurgated Diary of Anaïs Nin, 1947–1955

[lzffyarchive]

@natsume-ss gift for @strikerkudo !! ⤷ “wanting to be together, realizing how precious it is, everyone lives on, trying to savor the time they have.”

keep reading for credits, explanation of symbolism and text id

quote credits:  i. song lyrics from “Thank You” by Amber Run ii. excerpt from “The Faraway Nearby“ by Rebecca Solnit iii. excerpt from “Last Night’s Moon” by Anne Michaels iv. excerpt from “Trapeze: The Unexpurgated Diary of Anaïs Nin, 1947–1955” by Anaïs Nin

symbolism:  + chrysanthemum, red: i love you + carnation, pink: remembrance + ferns: sincerity, humility, also, magic and bonds of love + honeysuckle: bonds of love

post id: [ID: there are 6 photos in this post. 

first photo:  is a screenshot of the song lyrics from “Thank You” by Amber Run. They read “we’ll end up where / we’re supposed to be / and it’s thanks to you / that i am here / and you’re here too / the entire world seems brand new.

second photo: is a gfx of the fugiwaras with takashi and nyanko-sensei, and a red chrysanthemum symbolising love for another person(s).

third photo: is a screenshot from “The Faraway Nearby” by Rebecca Solnit. It reads “you can speak as though your life is a thread, a narrative unspooling in time, and a story is a thread, but each of us is an island from which countless threads extend out into the world.”

fourth photo: is a gfx of takashi and his father with a pink carnation symbolising never forgetting someone.

fifth photo: is a screenshot of an excerpt from the poem “Last Night’s Moon” by Anne Michaels. It reads “if love wants you; if you’ve melted down the stars, you will love with lungs and gills, with warm blood and cold. with feathers and scales. under the hot gloom of the forest canopy you’ll want to breathe with the spiral calls of birds, while your lashing tail still gropes for the waes. you’ll try to haul your weight from simple sea to gravity of land. caught by the tide, in the snail-slip of your own path, for moments suffocating in both water and air. if love wants you, suddenly your past is obsolete silence. old maps, disproved theories, a diorama.”

sixth photo: a gfx of the fugiwaras with takashi and nyanko-sensei. this is a photo of them that they took at the end of season 4 in the anime. the ferns symbolise and the honeysuckle symbolises 

seventh and final photo: a screenshot of an excerpt from “Trapeze: The Unexpurgated Diary of Anaïs Nin, 1947–1955” by Anaïs Nin. It reads “but i am happy. i do not have anxiety or the need for reassurance. i live in the present at last.”

end id]

[k-apme-h-salzc-a]

…unreality and loss of strength because I cannot integrate.

— Anaïs Nin, from a diary entry featured in Trapeze: The Unexpurgated Diary of Anaïs Nin, 1947–1955

[thoseratgirls]

“Guilt is self-censorship; to become free of it means to accept one’s self as one is, and the reality of one’s acts. I have learned when to loosen the keys of my guitar so that the strings won’t snap.”— Trapeze: The Unexpurgated Diary of Anaïs Nin

[mournfulroses]

Anaïs Nin, from a diary entry featured in Trapeze: The Unexpurgated Diary of Anais Nin, 1947-1955

[petaltexturedskies]

Anaïs Nin, Trapeze: The Unexpurgated Diary of Anaïs Nin, 1947-1955

[89rooms]

For what always creates anxiety in me is the doubt of my own sanity. I always question myself: am I being over-sensitive, am I exaggerating? What I crave at this moment is to be where I am not cut off from the world, to find another thread of contact.

Anaïs Nin - diary entry, 'Trapeze: The Unexpurgated Diary of Anaïs Nin, 1947–1955'

[mirrens]

Love Me Now or Let Me Go - Chapter 2

Title: Love Me Now or Let Me Go

Characters: Jacqueline Carlyle, Jane Sloan

Pairing: Jacqueline Carlyle/Jane Sloan

Rating: T

Summary: “The only good thing about your going away is that it is so good to have you again. […] It is so wonderful when you are back.”

— Anaïs Nin, from a diary entry featured in Trapeze: The Unexpurgated Diary of Anaïs Nin, 1947–1955

Title comes from lyrics from “Feel Something” by Jaymes Young.

“I don’t care if it hurts

I’ll pay my weight in blood

To feel my nerves wake up

So love me now or let me go."

Read here!

[cleverwordsandotherstuffilike]

When you hold on to your own true character, people cannot interfere with your growth." - Anaïs Nin, from a diary entry featured in Trapeze: The Unexpurgated Diary of Anaïs Nin, 1947–1955