#transmasc in me is still euphoric but like....... make it stop
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no but fr, in the mornings and evenings i sound like strahm after he stabbed himself with that pen
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i am going to make my own post because i feel like i can kind of speak to this as someone who was formerly misguided but i used to have a lot of issues with what the hell my identity even was, and i once went through a brief phase where, being a butch and amab trans person, i personally thought that my whole deal could be summed up as "i feel transmasculine because i am definitely 'trans' and i am butch and i feel masc, i don't really feel feminine and idk about whether or not i feel like a woman, can't it work that way?" and the answer is... not really? forgive me if i am not the most articulate person but this has been on my mind a lot lately due to the discourse over the "can a cis woman call herself an afab transfem?" question.
this is not the same as other so-called "contradictory labels" like, idk, bi lesbians and pan gays or whatever. because the 'masc' and 'fem' parts of transmasc and transfem do not exactly denote masculine and feminine necessarily. and i completely empathize with these terms not being perfect due to the heavily gendered baggage (and transneutral is one that a lot of both tme and tma trans people i know use but this one is also complicated because even "neutral" still carries gendered baggage, though i understand that this term can be more affirming and euphoric to a lot of people) but these terms can maybe more accurately be defined as words that identify clusters of experience? specifically whether someone in the trans community is transmisogyny-affected or transmisogyny-exempt.
i regularly see the same small number of other trans people insisting that transmisogyny-affected and transmisogyny-exempt is creating some kind of unnecessary division or "new binary" in the trans community but this is why i actually find tme and tma far more useful for describing experiences than transmasc and transfem. if anything, "transmasc and transfem" are arguably (but i'm not making this argument necessarily) more of a "new binary" than tme and tma.
because, as it stands, "transmasc" does not actually mean "trans and masc" it means "afab and transmisogyny-exempt trans person". there are transmascs who are very feminine and transfems like myself who are very masculine. but those feminine transmascs are still as transmisogyny-exempt as cis people are, whereas transfems or tma trans people, regardless of our presentation, are still transmisogyny-affected. all of the time. transmascs may face misdirected transmisogyny and misdirected misogyny, and transmisogyny-exempt nonbinary people may still face misogyny, but amab trans people, whether we identify as nonbinary or transfeminine or transneutral, are still transmisogyny-affected. we are placed in an entirely different box from trans people who are transmisogyny-exempt.
these words and this terminology are not perfect, i am not the first person to say this! but tme and tma are still the most accurate terms we have to describe how this whole gender thing functions in our societies. transmisogyny-affected people experience transmisogyny, which can be inflicted upon us by any transmisogyny-exempt people, including other trans people. that is what we have been trying to tell all of you, this entire time. i sometimes get extremely emotionally overwhelmed because it feels like people are not listening to us, regarding this one basic fact.
so, like, idk, if you seriously genuinely want to call yourself an afab transfem and "nonbinary" doesn't work for you for some reason and you don't "feel cis", can you *at least* please, pretty please, start clarifying that you're transmisogyny-exempt? at the absolute very least?? because you are. you may call yourself transfem and i literally can't stop you, none of us can. but, like other transfems on this site have already said, being around transmisogyny-exempt queer people of any gender can make us as tma trans people feel like we're in the company of ticking time bombs, because of how deeply engrained transmisogyny is in transmisogyny-exempt people. most *transmisogyny-affected* people feel safest around other *transmisogyny-affected* people because of that *transmisogyny* thing we experience all of the time. we don't just "feel" threatened, we are literally threatened by transmisogyny, and transmisogyny-exempt people, no matter who they are or what their gender is, are capable of inflicting transmisogyny upon us.
would it kill you to be mindful of that? 🙏🏽
#xe speak#not making this rebloggable because i'm in a really vulnerable place right now on this topic#even talking to my (tma and tme) friends about transmisogyny recently has been like... idk i feel like fixating on it sometimes is#like a form of self harm but i am the one who goes to their dms to rant about it with them so i feel kind of stuck in a spiral#which is also inescapable due to the fact that like it AFFECTS ME AT ALL TIMES ALWAYS....#and ik my friends are not exactly Doing Well themselfs either ugh i just feel like shit over this
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um identity crisis rant ✌️✌️ putting it under a cut because um it's kind of unnecessary. also I'm deleting this soon.
ok so yea I'm not sure if I'm bisexual or a lesbian..... I've felt this way for years. I'm attracted to men when I make them up. or when I barely interact with them. and I know a lot of ppl have this experience and still wouldn't consider themselves lesbians. but lately I've really been.... dismissive of men. when my friend came over a few weeks ago she wanted to talk about boys and whatever and I was just like... I don't care about dating men????? like if I ever do have a boyfriend, they will literally be my butch... my stud... my transmasc (not trans man: trans masc doesn't always = trans man) lover, just anybody who wants me to call them my boyfriend. but not like. a man?
and every experience I've had with a man has been so underwhelming, or at least leaves me feeling anything but bliss. I'm bored, I'm annoyed, I'm angry, I'm sad, I don't feel good 😭😭😭 I also keep "crushing" on men who are unavailable for me. they're already in a relationship or they only date men. and the crushes aren't even crushes, it's limerence. it's obsession. it's "I can't eat or concentrate when you're not around" it's almost like I keep going for ppl (specifically talking abt ppl in relationships) because I know I can't have them but I need somebody to think about... like yea I know when someone is attractive but when it comes to men I don't even like the idea of dating. I just like thinking about how attractive they are? but I don't want to love you..... I don't want to spend my life with you. i just want to think about how I think you're attractive
when I've kissed women/girls in the past, and only kissed, I can't stop thinking about it. I'm always devastated when we have to stop. but in those moments they were euphoric, my chest is going to burst open and my heart will cry from happiness compared to when I've kissed men and I just want it to be over.
I know I shouldn't focus on my lack of desire for men but lately I feel like my attraction to men feels forced!!!!!!!!! it feels unnatural to me!!! when I think about men I feel like I'm doing something wrong. and I've already gotten the dreaded "you just haven't found the right man yet!!!" line when talking about this and maybe that is so! I don't know.
but lately when I call myself bisexual I feel like I'm lying to myself. but I'm not used to calling myself a lesbian yet because maybe I'm not one? I'm young. I have a long way to go when it comes to self discovery. I just wish I knew already. this feeling of not knowing what I am or who I am makes me feel sick (literally I felt so sick at work today my head hurt, my stomach hurt, my chest hurt and yes I did eat today! so I know it wasn't that!!) idk I'm overwhelmed by this now but I'm sure I'll find peace soon. I'm doing too much for someone who knows gender isn't real and doesn't even have one. whatever it's a Tuesday evening. there are other things to worry about like getting to the weekend 😑😑😑
#mine#um........ just needed to get this out. um if any mutuals read this and want to talk to me abt id love to hear it#i dont want to burden anybody tho so yea
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I'm transmasc and have been on T for 8 months now
While I've had gender dysphoria about my chest since forever, I was never too bothered by the bottom parts.
I noticed that now that I'm on t, my chest dysphoria lessed, while I'm still not dysphoric about the V, I've been wanting to experiment more with packers and such
I did try as a green tranny to use socks an such but honestly I don't get the appeal. I worry they don't look right and they move wrong. And you've got to take them out when peeing
I wanted a "functioning" packer. So. I'm building one
I made one out of modeling clay and I will make a silicone stamp to then make a silicone D.
Have i ever done this before? No. Will that stop me? Nope.
This cost less than buying one online and it looks exactly what I want it to look like. It was I swear to God one of the most euphoric things I've have done...just sculpting myself a pe**s. Is this what god felt like? It this d*ck my eve?
It will be a stand to pee too, I'll add a cannula in the center and the top part will be kinda cup-like. Standard stand to pee design
I plan to pierce it in various places because that's what I'd do if I had one
I don't have anyone to talk about this project with IRL because I worry it'd TMI but maybe if it comes out alright and all I can offer one to my trans friends
Just good vibes honestly
I'd add a photo if this wasn't post 2019 Tumblr ugh
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to my death i will defend a transmasc or trans man's right to create art of themselves and our shared community how they wish, but my heart has been slowly dropping for a while now. thin, completely cis passing*, traditionally masculine bodies with perfect, stylized top surgery scars. the realization sets in that the only time i have ever really seen art of a trans male or transmasc body that resembles mine is in transmed caricatures. art meant to insult and mock bodies like mine, to remove transmascs and men like me from our transness and identity. our bodies are not celebrated, only defended when anti transmeds step in with well-meaning but ultimately alienating reassurances that not all transmascs/men look like this. but what of us who do?
i occasionally see the empty positivity/validity posts pass on by, attempting to lift up transmascs/men who are fat, who are either unable to access top surgery or hrt or who do not wish to pursue top surgery or hrt, or transmascs/men who are unabashedly femme. transmascs who have unique relationships to their bodies, and trans men challenging the popular perception of being male. but i hardly ever see any art or celebration of our bodies, of genuine admiration and acceptance for our bodies, of unconditional acceptance as us as mascs and men regardless of how we compare to the ideal. and even then, we are viewed as "in progress", because the thought of a transmasc/man who isnt pursuing top and/or hrt still isn't seen as something that can be desired or euphoric, or even an end goal of transition. bodies that look like ours are not always "before" pictures. stop treating us as such.
this is also magnified for transmascs/men of color, who are constantly pushed aside as undesirable or unacceptable or used as token diversity. transmascs and men who even when seeing representation of their presentation, will likely see it on a white person. creators of color who are deprioritized because them alone existing is something a lot of white creators cannot fully wrap their heads around.
support, celebrate, and make room for fat, pre/no t, pre/no top, pre/no bottom, butch, and femme transmascs and men, especially of color. support creators and those speaking about their experiences not being your trans ideal. celebrate us as a part of your community beyond "fat boys are cute and valid!" posts. respect and uplift transmascs and men of color, who will face higher violence and demonization of their bodies even more than we white transmascs/men will.
make room for us all.
= i understand that the concept of cis passing bodies is flawed, but i lack a better term to use. there are transmascs and men whos bodies are otherwise indistinguishable from what's expected of cis men's bodies, and they deserve representation as well. but when 99% of the time a depiction of a transmasc or man is, for lack of a better phrase, what's expected of cisgender male bodies but with lines under the pec muscles, no room is left for deviation of that standard. this of course backfires, since there are cis men whos bodies also lay outside that expectation, and are similarly discarded.
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Gender Thoughts Pt 1 and 2
The first time I put a binder on, a little under a week ago, I felt euphoric. Ever since I hit puberty very early on, I felt uncomfortable with my breasts. They never felt right on me, and even though I’ve come to love them sometimes, they still don’t always feel like they match up. I hated how people always looked at them, pointed out how much they showed in low cut shirts when I never even noticed they were--or even wanted them to. They were just there. I liked the way low cut shirts feel and look on me, I just can’t help these giant sacks of flesh that sit on my chest.
Except...now I can! I ran my hands over my smooth chest, feeling bright. I looked into the mirror, and felt something warm wash over me. I put on my new masculine clothes, letting my partner clip on my new suspenders. I realized that I was shaking as I looked at myself again… I looked like a boy. I felt like a boy. Like a man. And I liked it. I wanted it. Admitting that to myself was like coming home.
I remember being in sixth grade, walking around the track for my civil air patrol class. I had been slotted in with the rest of the girls, the boys walking ahead of us. I remember feeling uncomfortable being shoved in with only girls, and looking at the gaggle of boys ahead. The exact thought that whispered in my brain was “I wish I was a boy. I want to be like them, with them.” I never forgot that moment, and how strange it made me feel. How it was easier to shake that thought away, and dismiss those feelings. Except they never really left, did they?
I remember sitting on my bed, crying with my best friend kneeling in front of me. I remember telling her how I didn’t like feeling like a woman all the time. That I wished I could be a black shadow, monstrous, androdynous. Specifically like Venom. She took my hand, did my makeup all in black and helped me pick out the perfect black outfit to achieve that dark, gothic look. I was so incredibly happy and validated. But I still felt like something was missing.
I remember going into an Adam and Eve for laugh, not expecting much since I am an asexual with a low libido. I remember seeing packers and feeling my chest tighten. I never liked my genitalia--I had wished for a cloaca or something akin to that, but since that was biologically impossible for a human… I sometimes wished I had the opposite of a vagina. I frequently imagined what it would be like to have a penis. I frequently lamented the fact that I didn’t have one. I took the box up to the counter to ask some questions, my dress swishing as I went. The cashier told me it was for trans people only, and a girl like me couldn’t have it. She didn’t know what asexuality was, and had tried polyamory once but decided it was bad when her girlfriend kissed her boyfriend. I was upset, disheartened, and left the store empty handed feeling frustrated and lost.
I remember finally cutting the long, curly locks that had frustrated and imprisoned me for so long. Seeing all of my hair fall to the floor, staring into the mirror as the barber buzzed the back of my head… It made me want to cry tears of joy. It was the first time in my entire life that I had looked at my hair and was happy. The first time I could look in the mirror and feel like myself. Then I remember wanting to go shorter, and my barber encouraging me to keep it a little longer so I didn’t look manly, so I could still be soft and feminine. The way my stomach dropped and the sick feeling in my chest only increased when he began to make fun of the gay men who came down the street near his favorite restaurant. I never saw that barber again. I instead found a nice local place down the road from my apartment, where the kind lady cut it all off without question, other than “Why?” and accepted my warm “It makes me happy. It makes me feel beautiful.”
But wearing that binder for the first time? It was as if a beam of light had funneled its way directly into my heart. I felt like a handsome man, with just a little bit of striking man boob, and it felt so right. My partner called me a dashing boy and my heart began to race. I still feel his hand tracing my jawline as he called me handsome, and the butterflies it sent up through my belly, even after more than eleven years.
I love my partner--he identifies as agender and primarily masculine, and has been on the lookout for a good pair of size thirteen shoes to wear with a dress. They also wear joggers and flip flops and graphic tees and can’t seem to stop talking about the ocean and outer space. They’re probably one of my biggest inspirations for finding myself, and being authentically me.
I’m not super sure who or what I am right now. I’m still figuring that out, but I’m pretty sure I’m somewhere between agender and genderfluid. I feel like me more than anything else, but all pronouns make me feel good. I feel like all of them and none of them at once, but I swing between wanting to be feminine and masculine pretty strongly, though I enjoy being masculine most of all--even when I’m wearing dresses and pink. I feel like a beautiful person in a dress or a button down, no matter what gender I feel like today or tomorrow.
I am me. And I am one dashing boy, and one beautiful girl.
4 July 2021
XXX
Since first writing this little essay, I’ve been doing a lot more examination of my gender. I have come to the conclusion that I am transmasc and nonbinary, and am shaky on the title of genderfluid. I am feeling less and less like a woman--if anything, occasionally adjacent to a woman rather than actually being one. I love feeling like and presenting as a man. I have my first appointment with a gender services doctor at my local community clinic for consultation on starting hrt testosterone. I am planning to start with low dose first, and see how I feel.
I am still unsure of my exact identity, but I have found great euphoria with being and presenting as a man. I love being a man and everything that entails. I have loved myself like never before. Being with my partner is amazing, and he has been endlessly supportive--even recounting little things they had noticed throughout the years. One of the funniest being that I only ever referred to my body parts--my belly, hands, hair, genitalia--with masculine pronouns. I always seemed to see my body as male even if I had a certain sort of dissonance from it.
Coming out has been difficult. I have had both positive and negative experiences from it. I have been told going on testosterone would be self harm, and that I can’t be something I’m not. I’ve had coworkers I trusted out me without my permission. But I have also had positive affirmation, polite questions, and discussions. I am terrified to tell my mother and her boyfriend--I have no idea how they will react and am terrified that I will be disrespected and disowned.
But I am prepared to do whatever it takes to be my happiest and most authentic self.
I have been binding a lot more often, wearing sports bras for long shifts at work, and occasionally going without either when I feel like letting my man boobs hang free. I’ve had the delightful experience of going to a men’s big and tall store and finally wearing pants. I grew up as a fat girl and felt as if I had to perform high femininity to be taken seriously and be treated well--and had been told by someone I trusted that I was too fat to wear pants, which I heavily internalized. So I had completely cast them away in favor of dresses and skirts, bows and gaudy jewelry. Realizing that I could wear pants was...totally wild. That I could be comfortable and look good in pants and shorts, and that it didn’t matter what people did or thought of me was life changing. Maybe I’ll feel like being feminine again someday, but right now this masculinity and masculine clothing, with perhaps the added spice of funky earrings, feels like home.
I also grew up autistic and with PCOS, both which I think have affected my gender identity. Being autistic, I truly struggled to connect to others socially, and especially to understand societal norms. Being a proper woman felt like I was making up for everything else I was lacking--I may have been awkward, semi-verbal and weird with no friends, but at least I was cute and girlish. I never connected to womanhood though, and always felt out of place no matter how hard I tried. With PCOS, I had heightened testosterone, which meant wider breasts and shoulders, a lack of periods, and excessive body hair. I recall the endocrinologist asking high school age me if I had excessive body hair around my stomach, breasts, etc. and my mother jumping to say no I didn’t...even though I did. I remember suddenly feeling very self aware and ashamed of something completely natural, and even something I started to enjoy. I started shaving my entire body then.
I even remember being in middle school, and thinking nothing of my hairy legs. In fact, I loved my body hair and how it felt. A rude girl began making fun of me though, tutting her tongue as she cooed, “Aw, does your mommy not let you shave?” Among other things, all throughout many years of severe bullying and abuse. I remember feeling ashamed, but not knowing why, and immediately shaving my legs, covering them in nicks from my shaky and unsteady hands, that same night.
So many things set me back in my gender expression. So many things contributed to me willful ignorance and denial. I remember wanting to be butch, and everyone in my life laughing at me and saying I was too soft for that. That sweet, sharp ache in my chest. I remember going to a salad bar with my mother, wearing a button up and telling her I wanted to wear some more boyish clothes around that same time--I had already told her that I was bi sometime earlier. I remember her lip curling, looking uncomfortable, and telling me that I better not become one of those boy girls. My late father was very vocal in denouncing homosexuality and specifically men loving men--something which always sat horribly wrong with me on a deeper level.
I think I might ending up being a trans man. I am still unsure and figuring myself out, but I struggle greatly with the autistic need for sameness vs. the trans need for change. My sapphic love of women has always been very important to me, and fully becoming a man rather than genderfluid is scary for that very reason. I am still navigating my identity and what it means to me and my reality--but no matter what, being a man, being masculine is integral to who I am.
I was called a “sir” at a job interview for the first time the other day, and nearly began to bawl from sheer joy. The gender euphoria from that and so many moments is worth so much more to me than the years of suffering and ignorance and my ongoing struggles with dysphoria. I finally got a packer and have had help from my partner in learning to position it properly--I am thinking of cutting my hair even shorter. I have almost perfected a pretty basic tie tying skill. Okay, not really, but I’m getting there. I feel deep inside that even though my father loved me, he would not like who and what I am. Still, I wear the last watch he ever wore, and hope to be a good man like him--and to learn from the toxic parts of him to be an even better man.
I am very excited to start hrt. I am terrified of hair loss and vaginal atrophy, but I look forward to so much more. I cannot wait for bottom growth and body hair, for the voice drop that will hopefully get me misgendered less. I have always felt disconnected from my voice and look forward to getting to know it better as it changes with me. I look forward to meeting with new facial hair. Working out and growing muscle. I just look forward to my second puberty and becoming more like myself. I look forward to navigating and exploring my gender even further, both with loved ones, support groups, and myself.
More than anything, I am just happy to be me.
25 August 2021
#transmasc#ftm#ftx#gender#genderqueer#transgender#trans#lgbt#lgbtq#trans man#nonbinary#genderfluid#poets of tumblr#spilled thoughts#gender expression#low dose t#hrt
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the bittersweet between my teeth - Chapter 4
Written by: GerryStAmour | Gift for: @northisnotup
Some Important Notes:
The smut is available only on AO3! Link to the AO3 fic in my pinned post!
Nureyev is a gender euphoric trans man who has not had top-surgery and does not wear a binder. I use a mix of masculine and feminine terminology for his anatomy and genitalia, as I do for my own body as a transmasc individual. If this makes you uncomfortable, that is totally understandable, and I recommend skipping the smut.
This chapter is being posted early mostly because Chapters 3 and 4 were originally one whole chapter, which I split in half because of length. So consider this a bit of an Angel of Brahma style release. ;p
I am altering my update schedule for the last time! Please see my pinned post for the new schedule.
I'm working on a two-chapter Epilogue ficlet, which I hope to publish on Sunday, Nov 8, so keep an eye out for that.
Chapter Four [Previous Chapter] [First Chapter]
- - - - - Juno’s POV - - - - -
“My name is Peter Nureyev.”
Juno took in a shaky breath, trying to still his thoughts, which were suddenly racing with this new information.
“... What?” he asked quietly after a few moments, and immediately cringed at the stupid question. Juno knew Rex wasn’t his real name, he knew it all along so this wasn’t a revelation on its own.
Or at least it shouldn’t have been. At some point over their evening together, he had stopped thinking of ‘Rex Glass’ as a fake name, and this knocked Juno off balance.
But he could handle it, had demanded that information even. If Juno was a bit terrified to look at him though, he didn’t have to admit it.
“My name is Peter Nureyev,” the man underneath him repeated as he took a deep breath. “I’m a thief, and a very good one at that.”
Juno pulled back to look at Peter Nureyev, narrowing his eye at the stoic and hard expression the man wore. The corners of Nureyev’s mouth were tight and angled downward and Juno desperately wanted to kiss that stress away.
“I was hired,” Nureyev continued stiffly, the words sounding dragged out of him, “by a gentleman to regain some property that was taken.”
Ice filled Juno’s veins as he stared at Nureyev, something in his tone tickling the back of his mind. Why would a master thief be interested in him and look so tense as he confessed, he wondered. The answer came to him and felt like someone had punched him in the gut; he was Juno Steel, the one private eye in Hyperion City with a high-profile, nearly botched job on his record.
Humiliation burned in Juno’s gut and his face, and his mind began racing around how he was going to get out of Nureyev’s lap without looking like he was running away.
“Why does he need a thief.” He hadn’t even realized he was talking until the words were hanging in the air between them. It wasn’t a question as much as it was a statement, and the way Nureyev’s expression folded, his lips curving downward and his eyes softening at the corners, was all the confirmation Juno needed.
But he had to hear him say it. He had to hear the words come from Nureyev.
“No, finish that thought. I want to hear you say it.”
“Juno—”
“Just fucking say it, Diamond!”
Nureyev’s hands twitched where he still held Juno’s wrists, bringing Juno back from his swirling thoughts.
“Juno—” the thief began, and Juno could hear the excuses in his tone already.
“Why does he need a thief, Nureyev? Why didn’t he hire a detective?” Juno demanded, and he can feel himself shaking as well.
“Juno, I want you to know—”
“Just tell me, Nureyev!” Juno hissed through his teeth, and to his dismay tears had sprung to his eyes.
Nureyev licked his lips a bit nervously, and said, “His property was taken by the HCPD in a raid on an associate’s safehouse five years ago.”
Juno had begun laughing bitterly the moment Nureyev had mentioned the HCPD. A hollow, desperate ache settled in his chest, his eyes stinging from the pain. It was stupid to feel so hurt, but it was just the sort of prank whatever higher beings existed would play on him.
“Of fucking course,” Juno bit out, looking up at the ceiling. It was always too good to be true, he knew the other shoe would drop eventually, knew there was no reason someone as gorgeous and mysterious as Nureyev would even look twice at him if they didn’t have ulterior motives.
“That’s why you’re here. I knew it the moment I saw you at Hyperion Brewing, but I talked myself out of it. But that’s why you’re here,” Juno finally admitted to himself with a scoff, getting increasingly angry at himself for being so goddamn stupid. “You really know how to pick ‘em, Steel.”
“That isn’t why I’m here right now, nor why I’ve been seeing you,” Nureyev insisted, his voice pleading as Juno began to pull back. He let go of Juno’s wrists to gently hold his face. “Juno, please, believe that this is real—”
“Get your goddamn hands off me!” Juno snarled, jolting away from the touch as if he had been burned. Nureyev’s hands immediately fell away from Juno’s face, and he sat completely still while Juno climbed off his lap.
Juno could feel his hot blush as his dress fell open before he was able to catch it. He couldn’t even remember when the belt had been taken off, which just served to embarrass him even further.
“Juno, please listen—”
“If you say any of that ‘this is real’ bullshit, I will walk out right now, Nureyev,” Juno growled, and Nureyev’s mouth snapped shut.
They were quiet for a few moments while Juno located his belt and struggled to cinch it around his waist. His eyes were burning, his already limited vision blurry with his tears.
“No, you only started sniffing around me after that day at Hyperion Brewing. You’re just sticking around for information, or to spy on me, or whatever, so none of this is real!” Juno said bitterly, his hands shaking so badly he almost dropped his belt.
“I have never even come close to pressing for details about the job!” Nureyev defended himself, his tone annoyed. “All evening, I could have asked you about your eye, or your scars, under the guise of getting to know you, but I didn’t.”
Ice flooded his veins as Juno finally got the belt done up, the mention of his eye and his scars almost more painful than everything else. Of course Nureyev would have noticed, and he likely thought they were hideous just as everyone else did. But Juno was useful, Juno might have had information, so Nureyev was willing to tolerate him.
For a moment, all Juno could think about was Diamond pointing out his eyepatch constantly, the persistent suggestions to get a prosthetic eye and cosmetic surgery to clean up the scars. He was back in that apartment, after a year of surgeries and physical therapy, pleading with Diamond to understand just how much he didn’t want to go under again.
The humiliation of begging his fiance to still love him flared in him.
The moment Juno lost any semblance of usefulness, the disgust for his eye jumped to the forefront. It was the same sad story, one that Juno thought he was used to, but it hurt so much more with Nureyev.
“Oh, should I thank you then?” Juno asked, laughing bitterly. “Thanks for not asking about my worst job, my biggest goddamn failure, and amateur eye-surgery when you could have?”
“You know that’s not what I meant, Juno—” Nureyev said, sounding frustrated.
“Do I?” Juno countered, and that seemed to give Nureyev pause. When the thief opened his mouth to refute, Juno shook his head. “There’s something called ‘the long game’, Nureyev. You not asking me tonight means nothing.”
Nureyev wisely kept his mouth shut and Juno had to look away. He looked miserable sitting there on the bed, his expression deeply sad with his mouth, jaw, and throat smudged with Juno’s dark lipstick. There was a twist in his gut that felt like doubt, and for a moment Juno wanted to crawl back into his lap and kiss him, to take back his angry words and resume the perfect evening.
Shaking himself, Juno remembered the months of fear, of keeping his head down and his mouth shut, of trying to hold everything together. Then Nureyev had the nerve to seduce him when he worked for the person who was responsible for all of that.
“I actually thought the Piranha was done having her lackeys follow me,” Juno laughed. “This is really cruel though, even for her.
“Juno, I’m no one’s ‘lackey’,” Nureyev said pleadingly, shaking his head. “I was interested in you before I knew you were involved—”
“And after?” Juno interrupted, crossing his arms tightly.
Nureyev looked up at him, confused and thrown off guard by the question. “After what?” he asked eventually, quiet and unsure.
“After you found out, Nureyev. When you found out, you kept coming, you made me—” ‘fall for you’ Juno thought, and just barely managed to stop himself. Taking a deep breath, Juno started over, his voice low with his anger. “When you found out who I was, how close I was to this, why did you keep coming around?”
Nureyev took a deep breath, and said, “I was immediately taken with you from the moment I saw you—”
“Come off it, Nureyev,” Juno scoffed, rolling his eyes even as butterflies swarmed his guts. “You expect me to believe that?”
“I don’t ‘expect’ anything from you, Juno,” Nureyev said flatly, and that annoyance was back in his voice. “Except perhaps that you allow me to answer the questions you ask me.”
Juno huffed a loud breath and looked away. He wasn’t keen on admitting that Nureyev had a bit of a point.
“I saw you at the restaurant, and I was drawn to you, and I can’t explain why. You were handsome, and the way you looked at me… I was intrigued,” Nureyev explained haltingly and shrugged. “I found out your name from the owner. I didn’t know your connection to my job at the time.”
“Why would you be so interested in a complete stranger?” Juno asked incredulously.
“I don’t know, Juno!” Nureyev burst out, and he ran his hands back through his long hair. “I don’t normally let a pretty face capture my attention or distract me from a job! Remember, I’m a very good thief, which makes falling in love with part-time private eyes incredibly inconvenient.”
Juno’s insides froze as he said that, searching Nureyev’s face for a lie, especially surrounding the word ‘love’. Nureyev looked honest, his expression open and earnest for Juno to read, which was somehow the scariest thing in that moment.
But that wasn’t how the world worked, he thought bitterly. That man, the thief, came into his life— only occupying space in it for two weeks— and he was already making claims or allusions to feelings a partner of over a decade didn’t even have. It was impossible, and he would have to be pretty stupid to believe it.
“So ‘love at first sight’. That is what you’re trying to sell me?” Juno asked mockingly, emulating some of Benten’s sharp tone.
Nureyev’s jaw visibly twitched and a dark blush overcame his features. He was clearly getting frustrated with the conversation, and Juno prepared himself for anger, for the admission of his guilt.
“I’m not trying to sell you anything, least of all something so fanciful,” Nureyev finally replied, and his voice was softer than his intense gaze let on. “But I do care deeply for you now. Your ‘buying it’ has no bearing on the truth of it.”
Juno ground his teeth viciously, anger flashing through him that the thief would continue the act. That he wouldn’t just cut it out and admit it.
“So you were curious, we’ll go with that. Any smart criminal would find out that the tail they’re chasing is a part-time private eye and run the other way,” Juno said. “But you kept coming around, getting closer to me. Why?”
“I was selfish,” Nureyev admitted after a steadying breath through his nose. “I didn’t want to leave without seeing you.”
“So, you played with my feelings?”
“I did not play with your feelings, Juno,” Nureyev replied earnestly, almost desperately. “But when it became obvious you reciprocated, I couldn’t hurt you by just disappearing.”
Juno laughed loudly at that. “And this is better?” he asked coldly, and Nureyev’s expression crumpled under it.
Juno wanted to stop, to shut his mouth and leave. He wanted so badly to just go home, crawl into his bed and hide.
“That job, Piranha and whoever she works for, ruined my life, Nureyev. The people you’re working for destroyed everything, and you come along and just—” Juno interrupts himself with a watery, harsh laugh, shaking his head. “You should’ve just left, Nureyev. I have plenty of experience with that. I would’ve survived.”
Juno immediately regretted the words the moment he said them, especially with the way Nureyev’s expression went slack and his eyes glassy with unshed tears.
“Your piss-poor attitude was only cute when you looked like—”
Juno opened his mouth to take it back but Nureyev just cleared his throat and stood, towering over him once again.
“Of course,” he said, his voice hoarse with emotion. “As I said, it was selfish.”
Juno pinched the bridge of his nose as Nureyev left the bedroom to sit at the desk in the living room.
“Nureyev, listen, I didn’t mean—” Juno began as he followed Nureyev, watching as the man opened his laptop.
“No, you were right, Juno. I should have left you alone from the beginning,” Nureyev insisted. “This was foolish on my part.”
Juno felt his anger and hurt wane as he watched Nureyev. There was nothing too obvious to let on to his emotions, but there was the slightest slump to his usually perfect posture, which only served to break Juno’s heart further.
When Juno properly paid attention to what Nureyev was doing, he realized he was looking at surveillance feeds. “What are you doing?” he asked, his brow furrowed.
“Deleting any surveillance video with my face, and also your arrival at the hotel,” he answered quietly, not even looking away from the monitor.
“You’ve been doing this every night?” That bloom of doubt was back, and Juno hated it.
“Yes, which has been getting exhausting. I’ve put off finishing this for too long,” Nureyev sighed. “I’ve been reckless, and it’s only a matter of time before I make a mistake if I haven’t already.”
Juno immediately recognised that fact, and the rest of his anger left him so suddenly he felt dizzy. “Why would you risk so much?”
Nureyev did not even pause in his work on the laptop as he smiled sadly and replied, “I’m sure you can divine my reasons from my previous statements, dear detective. You’re very clever.”
Juno felt his face heat up at the praise and felt annoyed at himself all over again. He was making himself the easiest mark ever for people like Nureyev.
Then the thief’s fingers faltered in their typing and he tipped his head thoughtfully. “What did you mean by ‘amateur eye surgery’?” Nureyev asked. “Or ‘the Piranha’ for that matter?”
Juno raised an eyebrow when Nureyev turned to look at him. “You haven’t met your employer’s pet thug?” he asked sceptically. “She’s a real piece of work, you know? Sadistic, and I mean, I go for a little pain—”
“Juno,” Nureyev interrupted softly, and snapped him out of his sarcastic tirade.
“Fine. She’s really ugly, missing an ear, tons of scars? Her teeth are all sharp—” Juno began, but he stopped abruptly as his heart rate picked up just thinking about her.
“She has an underbite?” Nureyev supplied and Juno nodded gratefully.
“That’s the one. I call her the Piranha. Didn’t really catch a name between her stun blast and…” Juno said, trailing off to gesture at his eye. At Nureyev’s blank look, he shifted on his feet uncomfortably. “C’mon Nureyev, you knew I lost my eye during that job. You said it yourself.”
Nureyev turned back to the laptop and clicked the keyboard a few more times before slowly shutting it. “I was under the impression— no, told your eye had been an injury sustained in an altercation,” Nureyev replied when he turned to meet Juno’s gaze again. “An accident.”
Juno frowned with a sceptical snort. “I mean, if torture falls under the ‘altercation’ umbrella, then yeah. But it wasn’t an accident.”
It was obvious that several pieces of information were clicking into place for Nureyev if his narrowed eyes were anything to go by. “Either my employer is unaware of this ‘Piranha’s’ true actions that day, or he lied to me,” Nureyev finally said after a moment, sucking his teeth a bit before saying, “I’m not sure which is worse.”
“Normally, I would say he lied to you. But she worked overtime to keep my mouth shut, so,” Juno said, trailing off with a shrug. The distinct feeling of panic overcame him, and he tried to calm himself down.
“What do you mean, Juno?” Nureyev asked, and his voice was so gentle, it made Juno want so much. He wanted to be held again, he wanted to crawl into bed and have strong arms wrapped around him tightly, he wanted Nureyev to kiss him again, if only to remind him that he was sitting in a hotel room and not in that dark, terrible cellar.
“She said whoever she worked for wouldn’t be happy if I died,” he replied, his words stilted as he said them. “Didn’t stop her from carving up my eye and stalking my loved ones, but hey. I survived.”
Juno sat heavily in the armchair near the desk, pinching the bridge of his nose. When he looked up again, he saw that Nureyev had turned to fully face him, waiting patiently for him to continue.
“When I was in the hospital, one of her goons came by and dropped an entire folder of pictures of Benten and Rita in my lap. Nothing else, just that. The asshole didn’t even say anything,” he said, his voice breaking a bit and his face felt hot as tears stung his eyes again. “She had me followed for months, and every couple of weeks a new goon would hand me a new folder full of new pictures.”
“Juno—” Nureyev began, lifting his hand as if to reach for Juno’s, but appeared to think better of it. Juno wished Nureyev had followed through, which he knew was ridiculous after the scene he had been making, so he shook it off with a deep breath.
“The worst was—” Juno choked on the words for a moment, the fear gripping him. “The worst was a picture of Benten. It was taken from inside his apartment. It was some guy Benten had brought home, someone he met at a bar. But the message was loud and clear.”
“Juno…” Nureyev murmured sadly, but said nothing else.
“So, I kept my mouth shut, accepted the pictures, confirmed that I understood, and kept my head down for months,” he finished explaining, shrugging a bit.
Nureyev was silent, watching his face with an unreadable expression.
“Fuck, all of that, and for nothing. Just to get dragged back into it all,” Juno muttered as an aside to himself. With a disgusted noise, Juno met Nureyev’s eyes. “Who’s your employer anyway? I know it’s one of Pereyra’s opponents, but I never found out who.”
“Ramses O’Flaherty,” Nureyev responded without hesitation and was startled at Juno’s bark of laughter.
“O’Flaherty? Bullshit,” Juno said with an eye-roll.
“I assure you, dear detective. It is Ramses O’Flaherty who is signing my paycheque,” Nureyev replied, a bit confused.
“But that makes no sense,” Juno argued, his incredulity almost palpable. “His political ads, his speeches, hell, his entire platform is built on being anti-crime and anti-cop! The Piranha and the crap I found at her safehouse are the complete opposite.”
Nureyev’s curiosity was piqued at that. “You saw what was in the cases?”
“Yeah?” Juno replied, a bit confused. “O’Flaherty didn’t tell you what was in them?”
“He was insistent that I refrain from looking,” Nureyev replied thoughtfully. “He was also going on about the Greater Good, though I had stopped listening at that point.”
“Yeah, that does sound like O’Flaherty,” Juno sighed. “The one case had a little chip in it. Something called the THEIA something or whatever. The other stuff was some tech, looked like drones with a ton of firepower. The inscription said they were—”
Juno cut himself off to think back, trying to remember the inscriptions and what they said. He jolted when he remembered that the items were from New Kinshasa, and they all were marked with G.A.S. preceding a series of numbers.
“Juno?” Nureyev prompted him gently, his voice filled with concern.
“The tech was from New Kinshasa,” Juno started cautiously, sucking in a deep breath when Nureyev tensed. “Some… hyper-mobile update to their Guardian Angel System.”
All of the colour left Nureyev’s face as he asked quietly, “... What?” Juno could see in Nureyev’s eyes that he was living a waking nightmare, and he wanted to stop the entire conversation and hold him.
“Back then, I sent Rita a picture of the stuff and had her look it up. Turns out, about twenty years ago, New Kinshasa started pouring a ton of money into R&D,” Juno explained instead. “I guess some radicals almost destroyed the whole city, so they wanted something that wouldn’t be so easy to take down.”
“And how did O’Flaherty come into possession of this?” Nureyev asked, his voice shaking with barely concealed anger. Juno could understand that feeling.
“Well, with the end of the war and Brahma joining the Solar government, they needed money,” Juno replied with an angry laugh. “They started selling units to interested parties to test the whole thing. Nothing says ‘peace’ like a government institution selling weapons to private investors.”
Nureyev smirked at the sarcasm, but his voice was tight as he asked, “And what did you learn about these radicals?”
“Not much,” he replied with a shrug, and is startled a bit by the sharp look Nureyev gives him. “I mean, Rita probably knew more at the time, but then she went off about some betrayal plot on one of her streams.”
“But after the case—”
“Nureyev, everyone I loved was being threatened after the case,” Juno reminded him. “I told Rita to get rid of all that info she dug up after the first goon threatened me in the hospital.”
Nureyev nodded woodenly, his eyes distant as he apparently stared at Juno’s knees.
“You okay, Nureyev?” Juno asked, and it came out far more tenderly than he wanted it to be, but he couldn’t help it.
Nureyev snapped out of his thoughts and met Juno’s gaze again with a distracted, “Hm?”
“You went somewhere far away,” Juno said, and he wanted to hold Nureyev’s hand, to bring him back and soothe that troubled expression from his face.
Nureyev watched Juno as well, obviously debating something behind his bright eyes. Something shifted in Nureyev’s expression, something sharp and dangerous, and Juno felt his breath catch in his throat.
“I’m planning to steal the weapons and have them destroyed,” Nureyev said firmly. “They shouldn’t be in anyone’s hands.”
“Glad to hear it,” Juno said, aiming for sarcastic, but it came out sincerely pleased. “I mean, I figured, because I know, roughly, what happens on Brahma, but—”
“I was one of the so-called ‘radicals’. Twenty years ago, with my mentor,” Nureyev confessed, the words rushed and hitting Juno hard in the chest. “We were hardly radicals, honestly. We were thieves, stealing the core to the Guardian Angel System.”
“But… Rita told me the same core that powered the weapon—”
“Also powered the levitation system for the city, yes. My mentor misled me about the job, and when I found out the city would be destroyed, I tried to reason with him. Or stop him. I was…” Nureyev trailed off, looking haunted before he snapped himself out of it. “It doesn’t matter. When he refused to stop, I— I killed him.”
“Nureyev…” Juno started, but he had nothing he could say to that.
Looking at the thief now, Juno realized how young Nureyev would have been when that all happened. It made Juno’s heart ache for Nureyev, and then he remembered what Nureyev had said over dinner. His mentor had saved him from the streets, and later he felt he had to kill the man to save a whole city.
“I don’t regret it. I couldn’t see the justification in destroying an entire city, and I still can’t,” Nureyev said after a few moments, his tone clipped and rehearsed. It sounded defensive, like something the thief repeated to himself daily. It was the first thing Nureyev had said that felt like a lie the whole evening, but Juno knew it wasn’t a lie for him. “He was wrong, and I couldn’t let him leave with the core.”
Juno wanted to leave it there, but he never could stop asking questions. “Then why does it look like you regret it?”
Nureyev’s features closed up, like shutters being pulled. “Is that relevant right now?” he asked curtly.
Juno watched him, a sadness for Nureyev so deep in his heart he felt close to crying, and his anger from earlier was all but forgotten. Eventually, he shook his head with a heavy sigh.
“No, I guess it’s not, you’re right,” he said before he added a bit awkwardly, “Thanks for… telling me, I guess. You didn’t have to.”
Nureyev shook himself a bit, straightening his posture, and raised an eyebrow. “My name is attached to that job, so the moment you would’ve had Rita look me up, you would have known. She likely already knows my name without realizing it.”
Juno was quiet for several long moments, rolling Nureyev’s words around in his head. That was all true, and he was sure Rita would have pulled up any information on him that she wanted. Hell, there was probably information out there Nureyev thought was completely hidden, but Rita could find.
“I wanted to hear what stories you have in your own words…”
He bit the inside of his cheek thoughtfully as he remembered Nureyev’s words from dinner.
“I wasn’t going to ‘look you up’,” he finally said.
Nureyev looked visibly shocked, and then sceptical. “And why not?”
Juno shrugged with a sad chuckle. “Why didn’t you look me up?” he countered.
It was almost funny enough for Juno to laugh when realization dawned on Nureyev, his eyes widening with a soft “oh” as he looked down at his hands in his lap.
The conversation had gotten too emotional, too vulnerable for Juno to handle at the moment, so he changed the subject. “So what’s the plan? What are we doing?”
Nureyev met his gaze again, deeply concerned. “We?” he asked.
“Yeah, ‘we’. You and I both want those weapons destroyed,” Juno replied firmly. “I want to stop Pilot and Ramses, and you brought me back into this mess whether you meant to or not. I’m coming with you, and you’re not going to stop me.”
Nureyev made a small noise and shook his head. “But Juno, your eye—”
“—Isn’t coming back any time soon! And hey, I figure I owe it some payback anyway,” Juno interrupted with a shrug, his tone flippant and deliberately infuriating.
Nureyev was flustered, visibly stressed at the thought of Juno joining him. Juno would have found it cute, even flattering, if he wasn’t still coming down from his hurt and anger.
“Juno, I can’t— it’s dangerous—” Nureyev started again and Juno laughed a bit.
“I’m a private eye, Nureyev. ‘Danger’ is in the job description,” he said with a roll of his eyes. “Give me a real reason.���
Nureyev paused for a long time before leaning forward to gently, tentatively touch the back of Juno’s hand. Without hesitation, Juno turns his hand and allows Nureyev to hold it.
“I don’t want to see you get hurt by them again,” Nureyev confessed very quietly, barely loud enough for Juno to hear.
Juno felt his heart flip several times, his breath leaving him in a short whoosh, and he had to fight to be annoyed at the coddling. “I can handle myself, Nureyev,” he snapped with a pout, though it held no heat.
“Oh, I know, my dear detective. I would never doubt your resilience,” Nureyev said with a small laugh, reaching up with his other hand to cup Juno’s cheek. His expression turned so soft and earnest, Juno felt overwhelmed with his want for that gentle concern. “I only wish you knew you didn’t always have to. You could just let me do this and be done with it entirely.”
For a moment, Juno very nearly gave in to that soft request, to let Nureyev take care of him, of their combined mess, but that was just not possible for him.
“You don’t seem to get it,” Juno said with a shake of his head. “This is my problem, my screw-up, my responsibility. Plus, you got me involved again.”
Nureyev stroked the back of Juno’s hand and cheek with his thumbs thoughtfully, and the sensation of the smooth leather of his gloves sent shivers up Juno’s spine. “Fair enough,” he said eventually, nodding. “Just know that I’m not used to working with someone else.”
The two of them spent the better part of an hour going over Nureyev’s existing plans for the heist, working Juno into them and reworking the parts that wouldn’t work with two people. The plan had been brilliant to start with, and Juno almost felt bad about coming in with a sledgehammer. However, when all was said and done, Juno was legitimately confident in the new plan.
That— being confident in the plan— was enough to plant a seedling of doubt in his gut. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he heard Benten calling him ‘Lady Raincloud’ and dismissed his nerves. He and Nureyev were both professionals in their own ways, and they could handle an in-and-out job.
Juno was standing at the desk next to where Nureyev sat, bent at the waist and propped on one hand, idly chewing on his thumbnail while he stared at the laptop screen. “I can have Rita look into finding a different way in, but the sewer is really our best bet. And maybe a better way to deal with the security cameras,” he murmured, mostly to himself but Nureyev hummed his agreement. “I’m not liking how tight that window is.”
If Nureyev was uncomfortable involving Rita, he didn’t say anything.
“So,” Juno said slowly, looking at Nureyev. “Two nights from now?”
“That should give us enough time to collect what intel we need,” Nureyev confirmed, before looking up at him and slyly adding with a smirk, “It also gives me at least twenty-four more hours to convince you to stay out of it.”
Juno smirked right back. “Don’t count on it.”
A moment of absolute silence stretched between them as they looked at each other, and slowly Nureyev’s smirk softened to something fond. Juno jumped a bit as gloved fingers slid gently against the outside of his bare thigh before he shivered. With a shaky sigh, Juno leaned into the contact.
“Juno, I—” Nureyev started hesitantly before taking a deep breath. “I want you to know that I care very deeply for you, and that I never thought of you as a mark, that— I meant everything I’ve said and more.”
“I know,” Juno said in a quiet voice, and he was surprised by himself. The sincerity in Nureyev’s eyes was overwhelming, and enough to break through his usual cloud of doubt for the moment.
“The true depths of my— my feelings are unknown even to me,” Nureyev continued earnestly, apparently on a roll. “They terrify me, Juno. Whenever I try to understand them, and the thought of leaving after all this…”
Juno stood back up to his full height and turned toward Nureyev, holding his face in his hands. When Nureyev allowed his eyes to flutter shut, Juno released a shuddering breath. “You don’t have to go,” Juno whispered, surprising himself yet again with his soft begging.
What right did he have asking that of Nureyev?
Nureyev’s face twisted sadly, and his lashes looked a bit wet. “Juno, please—”
“You can stay,” Juno pushed, talking over Nureyev desperately. “Rita can clear any record you have, set you up with everything you need, I have connections—”
“Juno, stop, please,” Nureyev pleaded, his voice so soft Juno’s heart ached. When Nureyev opened his eyes again to look up at him, his eyes glassy. “You know I can’t stay, even if I wanted to give everything up. I do not want to retire, and I cannot stay on Mars, my love.”
Juno closed his eyes and nodded, chewing on the inside of his cheek. “I know,” he replied.
Nureyev took a deep breath and Juno could feel him shaking nervously. “Would you come with me?” he asked, in a voice so fragile Juno held completely still lest he break something. The question hit him like a solid punch to his gut, and for a few wild seconds the ‘yes’ was on the tip of his tongue.
But then he thought of Benten, and Rita, and where would they fit in his brave new future with Nureyev? A man he knew for all of two weeks? It was absurd.
“I’m sorry,” Juno whispers, his voice barely audible, even to himself. “Nureyev, I—”
“Hush, dear detective,” Nureyev said soothingly, lifting a hand to gently hold one of Juno’s wrists, the other still stroking his thigh. The contact is chaste, but it was intimate beyond anything Juno had ever experienced, even with Diamond. Now that he was looking down at Nureyev, seeing him with his hair loose, heart open, and Juno’s lipstick still smeared in places, Juno felt heat returning to his gut.
“I… I would like to spend whatever time we have left together, however you wish,” Nureyev said, his eyes soft and wet with emotion. “I will understand, however, if you wouldn’t want that.”
Juno sucked in a slow breath, shaky as it was with his conflicting thoughts. He was still upset, still angry, and normally he would have made someone who made him that angry work to get his favour back. But Nureyev didn’t have that sort of time— they didn’t have that sort of time. Here in this hotel room was possibly the last time they would be together like this, and there was the entire possibility that one or both of them would be killed in two days.
So Juno stepped closer to Nureyev, bracketing one of his knees with his legs so he could stand flush to Nureyev’s body. Nureyev tipped his head back obligingly, with his eyes half-lidded and lips parted. Without hesitation, Juno dipped his head and kissed Nureyev, soft and sweet, swallowing the quiet sound of surprise the thief made.
Nureyev immediately wrapped an arm around his waist, his strength surprising given how thin his arm felt, and his hand twisted in the fabric of Juno’s dress. The hand on his thigh squeezed with sudden bruising strength as Nureyev deepened the kiss, Juno meeting him halfway with his tongue.
Juno had tangled his hands in Nureyev’s hair once again, twisting in the length of it and holding him in place, whining petulantly when Nureyev began to pull back.
“Juno, wait—” Nureyev began, their mouths still together and panting. Even as he was trying to talk, Nureyev was pressing small kisses on and around Juno’s lips.
“Nureyev, c’mon,” he managed to mumble through their needy kisses.
Nureyev slid his hand further up Juno’s thigh, slipping under the straps of the flower harness he wore and nearly grabbing his ass. The straps pulled tight against the soft flesh of Juno’s thigh, pulling a desperate gasp from him. At that, Nureyev pulled away from the kiss completely, meeting Juno’s eye. He was panting already, and Juno quite liked the image he made, dishevelled as he was with hair a mess and dark red lipstick smeared over his lips.
“Juno, I don’t want to do anything that will hurt you,” Nureyev said, and Juno could tell he meant it. That doesn’t mean he didn’t try to laugh it off.
“I like a little pain, don’t worry about that, Nureyev,” he said with a smirk. “My safe word is—”
“Juno, I’m being serious!” Nureyev snapped lightly, though interestingly enough there was some legitimate interest in his expression.
Juno sighed and stooped to kiss Nureyev again, sweet and chaste, and he hoped it was full of everything he was feeling. Words were hard at the best of times, but especially when things were intense. Juno had always been better with his actions, or at least he liked to think he was. And right then he just wanted so much, so deeply, he could hardly breathe with it.
“Nureyev, I want this, I wouldn’t start it if I didn’t. And yeah, I’m still pissed at you, and yeah it’s going to hurt like hell when you leave,” Juno finally said, leaning his forehead against Nureyev’s. “But that’s at least two days away, and I just want to… have this while I can. If you don’t want to after all, I get it. I’ll go home and see you tomorrow at the cafe.”
“Are you sure?” Nureyev asked.
“Nureyev, I’m sure,” Jun replied impatiently.
Nureyev’s lips spread into a shit-eating grin. “Absolutely positive?”
“Knock it off, Nureyev,” Juno growled, moaning softly into a kiss that suddenly captured his lips.
Nureyev smiled warmly up at him when he pulled back. “Just need to hear you say it,” he sighed, and Juno rolled his eyes.
“Glad we cleared that up, then, now can we—”
Juno let out a squeak of surprise when Nureyev stood up, the arm around his back and gloved hand on his thigh steadying him. His mouth was seized in a hungry kiss, the pressure rough and full of teeth, as he was half-walked, half-carried the handful of steps back into the bedroom.
Nureyev let him go once they reached the edge of the bed to work on Juno’s belt. He hadn’t done it up quite right when he put it back on earlier, so Nureyev did have to pull away from the kiss with a laugh to undo it properly. Juno grinned up at him like a dope at the laugh, and accepted the kiss that was dropped to his mouth once the belt fell away and the drape of the gown fell open again.
Juno tried to think about it as a fling, that he wasn’t impossibly far gone on Nureyev already, that his laugh didn’t fill him with so much light he feared he might burst from it.
Nureyev reached up to gently touch Juno’s eyepatch in silent question, and panic flooded his veins with ice. He wasn’t ready for Nureyev to see his eye just yet, not ready for him to look at him with disgust or pity or that terrible combination of both.
When Juno jerkily shook his head, Nureyev smiled gently and backed off without question.
“Now how does the rest of this come off, love?” he asked, tugging at Juno’s dress a bit.
Juno’s relief was so overwhelming, he almost had to sit down. Instead, he huffed out a soft laugh and dragged Nureyev back down into a needy kiss, happily swallowing his soft sound of surprise.
- - - - -
Juno dozed a bit after his athletic evening with Nureyev. He had closed his eyes while Nureyev got up to get a washcloth, and truthfully hadn’t tried too hard to stay awake.
However, he must have slept deeper and longer than he had meant to. When Juno opened his eyes again, he found that he was cleaned up and tucked in under the duvet. Juno sighed contentedly as he registered the warm, naked body he was cuddled up against, a strong lean arm wrapped loosely around his shoulder. Nureyev’s long, slender fingers traced little symbols into the skin on the cap of Juno’s shoulder, the sensation ticklish but pleasant. Juno shifted so his legs were tangled with Nureyev’s, sighing when the arm around him held him tighter.
With a hum, Juno wrapped an arm around Nureyev’s waist and pressed a lazy kiss to his chest where his head rested. He didn’t move away immediately, instead inhaling a deep breath through his nose. Juno’s head swam with the scent of Nureyev’s cologne, the smell of it somehow stronger with the musk of sweat and sex in the air.
Juno couldn’t help the little groan he made as he adjusted himself on top of Nureyev. When Juno nuzzled his nose against the skin of his throat, Nureyev made a small, happy sound and Juno grinned tiredly.
He never wanted to leave that bed, a realization that sunk heavily in his gut.
“That was amazing,” Nureyev said around a huge yawn, sounding perfectly blissed-out and sated.
Juno snorted, even as tears gathered in his eyes again. ‘Amazing’ was an understatement, which was a problem for Juno. Part of him had hoped sex with Nureyev would have been boring, or even bad, so it would have been easier for when Nureyev had to leave him. But of course, it hadn’t been; it was amazing, like nothing else Juno had ever had with another person.
Things could never be easy for Juno Steel.
“Yeah,” Juno sighed, closing his eyes. “It was.”
They laid together in comfortable silence, and Juno began dozing again as Nureyev scratched his back lightly. His eyepatch was getting uncomfortable, and he began debating taking it off. Maybe it would be okay. Nureyev was different, Juno was sure of it. Panic kicked up his heart rate, and the thought of testing that after something so perfect was nauseating.
“Juno? Are you awake?” Nureyev asked hesitantly, snapping Juno out of his spiralling thoughts. With a relieved sigh, Juno tilted his head up to look at Nureyev’s face.
“What’s up?” Juno asked, his voice laced with exhaustion. Before he could think about it or stop himself, he kissed Nureyev’s shoulder gently before propping himself on an elbow to better meet his gaze.
Nureyev was smiling at him, his eyes half-lidded and bright even in the low lighting. He looked so warm and perfect with his long hair loose around his face and shoulders. Lipstick still stained his mouth, jaw, and throat, tempting Juno to retrace his steps.
When Nureyev lifted his hand to cup his cheek, Juno turned his head to kiss his palm, closing his eyes and breathing that intoxicating scent in again.
“Oh, love,” Nureyev whispered, sliding his hand back to pull Juno into a slow, languid kiss. Juno sighed into it and pouted a bit when the thief ended it. “You’re making this very difficult.”
“You chose me, so that’s what you get,” Juno said cheekily, but was very aware that Nureyev had something serious on his mind.
“You asked me earlier why I—” Nureyev began hesitantly, his voice strained until he cleared his throat. “You asked earlier why I appeared to regret killing my… mentor, Mag.”
“Yeah, but you don’t actually have to answer that,” Juno replied. Curiosity burned in his gut, but the warm flush had left Nureyev’s face, and Juno could feel how tense he was. “I shouldn’t have asked that.”
“I want to answer it. Or I at least want you to know,” Nureyev insisted, pushing himself up to recline against the pillows more upright. “After all of that, you should know.”
“I mean, if it’s that important to you, go ahead,” Juno replied, shifting to straddle Nureyev’s lap and meet his gaze easily. Nureyev smiled gently at him before leaning in for a lingering kiss. When he pulled back, he took a deep, fortifying breath.
“He was going to kill a city of innocent people, so I knew I had to stop him. But when my knife sank into his back…” Nureyev trailed off, closing his eyes as he worked through something in his head, Without thinking, Juno reached up to tuck some of Nureyev’s hair behind his ear.
“I wasn’t sure if I did it to stop him, and that there truly was no other way to do so,” Nureyev continued after a few quiet moments, “Or if I only did it because he lied.”
Juno took a deep breath and nodded, unsure of what to do with a confession like that. “About the Guardian Angel System?” he asked to clarify his meaning.
Nureyev shook his head with a soft, bitter laugh. “It would have been easier if that was his biggest lie,” Nureyev replied. “But he lied about my father.”
Juno waited for Nureyev, watching his face as he thought about his next words. It hit him suddenly that Nureyev likely hadn’t said any of this out loud to anyone before, that Juno was the first to hear this particular dark corner of Nureyev’s history.
Something small, yet terrifying fluttered to life in the back of Juno’s mind, which he quickly squashed.
“He saved me from the streets, raised me, taught me everything I know now, all while he fed me this elaborate tale about a father who was a martyr for the cause,” Nureyev continued, and he couldn’t meet Juno’s gaze anymore. “I built my entire identity around my name, that idea, that story. I wanted so badly to live up to my father’s legacy, to make everyone proud of me the way he did.”
“But it was a lie,” Juno finished for him, his breath leaving him in a whoosh at the thought of being lied to like that. Sure, Diamond’s deception had hurt, but that was so small and petty compared to what Nureyev was telling him.
“I was so confused and lost after I killed him, and I just stopped thinking about it. Filed it away and moved on,” Nureyev said with a sigh, rolling his eyes at himself. “I was just afraid of what it would make me if I only killed him for lying.”
Juno frowned as Nureyev finished, opening his mouth to say something, but thought better of it. He wasn’t sure how much Nureyev would appreciate his lame insights, so instead he stretched upward to place a soft kiss to the corner of Nureyev’s mouth. Nureyev immediately tilted his head to accept the kiss with his lips, even as his brow furrowed in confusion and shock.
Juno pulled away and settled back against Nureyev, dropping his head onto his chest to doze off again.
“That makes sense,” he said softly, listening to the frantic heartbeat under his ear.
Nureyev was quiet for a while before he asked, “That’s all? Just ‘that makes sense’?”
Juno shrugged, suddenly concerned he had read the entire conversation wrong. “I mean, thanks… for telling me? You didn’t have to?” Juno said awkwardly, cringing at himself.
“Juno, please look at me,” Nureyev requested, and that was the last thing on the planet Juno wanted to do.
Nonetheless, Juno sat up again and met his gaze, biting the inside of his cheek. Nureyev’s eyes were wet with unshed tears, and confusion was written across his face.
“I just told you I murdered someone I considered a parent, and you… don’t care?” he asked, his voice weak with his uncertainty.
“I care, Nureyev, but I just…” As always, Juno struggled for the right words at the worst time, letting out a frustrated huff. “I care about you. And, I don’t know, the problem or moral dilemma you’re having with it makes sense. I guess I would be worried if you weren’t torn up about it. But you did it twenty years ago and saved an entire city. If you want me to hold it against you now, you’re out of luck.”
Nureyev looked baffled before he reached up to pull Juno down into a deep, but chaste kiss. When Juno moaned softly and opened up for him, the thief sighed.
When Juno pulled back, Nureyev was smiling so softly up at him, it broke his heart.
“Stay the night?” Nureyev asked quietly.
Juno wanted nothing more than to say yes, to say that he would stay forever if Nureyev would simply ask. He thought about everything Nureyev had told him, how open he had been, and suddenly Juno wanted to tell Nureyev about Diamond. He wanted to lay in that bed and whisper confessions, and kiss, and make love into the early hours of the morning.
He wanted it all with Peter Nureyev.
As if on cue, Juno’s comms began to beep and he scrambled to the end of the bed. He found it on the ground and quickly put it in his ear.
“Juno Steel,” he answered curtly, glancing back at Nureyev.
“Juno, where the hell are you?” Benten scolded shrilly, and Juno flinched. “It’s after midnight, and you said you would call!”
Juno cringed and stuck his tongue out at Nureyev’s smug smirk. “Yeah, sorry Ben, we just got busy talking,” he said, and it wasn’t a complete lie. “I’m just waiting for the cab and I’ll be home soon. Go to bed.”
Benten was quiet for several long moments before he said, “Talking, huh?”
“Yes, Benzaiten, talking,” Juno said through gritted teeth, his face hot with embarrassment. “Go to bed.”
Benten sighed dramatically. “Fine. You owe me a full play-by-play in the morning, though,” he said.
“Yeah, whatever,” Juno said with a snort. “See you in the morning.”
The commes beeped as Benten hung up and Juno looked back at Nureyev properly. He was struck all over again by the image Nureyev made surrounded by pillows, long hair messy and knotted, lipstick stains all over and completely naked. Had he been younger, Juno knew he would be hard again and ready for round two.
Nureyev smiled at him and leaned over to the bedside table for his own comms. “You try to get cleaned up a bit, and I’ll call you a cab,” Nureyev offered and was already dialling a number in.
Juno crawled back up the bed to kiss Nureyev deeply before slipping away into the bathroom.
He stared at his face in the mirror, at the way his lipstick was smeared from their kisses, and his mascara and eyeliner had run with his tears. Closing the bathroom door and locking it, Juno took the eyepatch off and grabbed the make-up wipes provided by the hotel.
They were decent quality, and did a decent enough job in cleaning up his racoon eyes, but proved useless when he tried to deal with the mess of lipstick that was smeared up his cheek. It appeared that Benten exclusively purchased make-up for demons, he thought bitterly before wetting a washcloth and giving himself another quick wash.
Stepping back into the bedroom, Juno found it to be empty. He could hear Nureyev on his laptop out in the living room, humming quietly, so Juno picked his dress and shoes up off the floor and went to join him.
Nureyev was sitting cross-legged on the couch with his laptop. The image of him sitting there was striking, with Nureyev completely naked except for his glasses, with lipstick stains all over his pale skin and his hair still a tangled mess around his face. Something about seeing Nureyev like that— sleepy and dishevelled, head tilted upward while he squinted through his glasses thoughtfully— had Juno wishing for more time or a different life, whatever it took to keep it.
It was so soft and intimate, Juno’s heart ached and he wanted nothing more than to drag Nureyev back to bed and kiss him senseless.
Instead, Juno pulled his dress back on, doing the belt up as he stopped to stand behind the couch. Bending at the waist, Juno wrapped his arms around Nureyev’s shoulders and pressed a hot, open-mouthed kiss to the side of Nureyev’s throat before looking at the computer screen.
It was a window full of different surveillance feeds for the hotel, and Juno raised an eyebrow. “What’re you up to now?”
Nureyev turned his head to capture Juno’s lips in a searching kiss, groaning when Juno opened for him. When he finally pulled away, he said, “I’m going to walk you out.”
“You might need to put on more clothes, Nureyev,” Juno said with a suggestive lilt, running a hand down Nureyev’s naked torso teasingly. He delighted in Nureyev’s shiver, pressing another kiss to his throat, aiming higher so his lips teased just below Nureyev’s jaw.
“No, my dear detective, I’ll be walking you out my way,” Nureyev replied, shuddering again.
“And that means…?” Juno prompted, keeping his mouth pressed to the thief’s heated skin.
“You will be on your comms, and I will coordinate looping camera footage while I direct you through your escape,” Nureyev elaborated, and the excited tone to his voice brought a smile to Juno’s face. “The cab I’ve called will meet you where the stairway lets out on the street.”
Juno stood up to finish adjusting his dress, shifting the draping fabric to cover his front more securely. He made a mental note to give Nureyev a proper lecture about using knives on his underthings later.
“Sounds kinda fun. I’m game,” Juno eventually said, sitting down to put his boots back on.
Nureyev smiled and winked playfully at him. “That’s only partially why I want to do this.”
“Your other reasons?” Juno asked.
“I want to see how well we can work together, first of all,” Nureyev replied and then gave Juno a suggestive smile, showing off his teeth. “I also enjoy bossing you around a bit.”
Juno scoffed, even as heat flooded through him. Standing up, he crossed the distance to Nureyev and bent to give Nureyev a soft kiss. The thief sighed and lifted his hands to hold the back of Juno’s head gently, opening up for Juno’s tongue.
“Don’t get used to it,” Juno teased as he pulled away and stood back up. Putting his comms in his ear, he walked over to the door. “Let’s do this then.”
“Alright, love,” Nureyev began with a grin. “Down the hall to the left there is a door to the stairwell on the right. Once you’re on the landing, call me.”
Juno saluted, resolutely ignoring the curl of heat in his gut at the commanding tone. “Got it,” he said, hoping it sounded steadier than he felt.
Nureyev smirked knowingly. “Go no further than the landing though, Juno,” he added, the firmness in his tone hardening. “Can you manage that for me?”
Juno felt his face grow hot and bit his cheek, nodding quickly. Not trusting himself to speak, he muttered a quick mm-hmm and turned fully toward the door.
“Juno,” Nureyev chastised lightly, and Juno dropped his forehead against the door.
“Yes, Nureyev, I can manage it,” he said, his voice a bit strained.
“Good girl,” Nureyev said, and Juno could hear the smirk in his voice at his shudder. “Let’s begin then.”
Juno quickly stepped out into the halway, leaning back against the door to take a deep breath. His pulse was jumping, with excitement about what they had done and what they were about to do, anxiety and anticipation for the heist to come. A grin overtook him, and Juno had to work not to laugh a bit out loud.
With that, he hurried down the hall, and slipped into the stairwell, already halfway through dialling Nureyev’s comms by the time he opened the door.
“Excellent work thus far, darling,” Nureyev purred as he answered.
“Knock it off,” Juno grumbled, smiling. “We have work to do.”
“Knock what off, dear detective?” he asked, sounding excessively innocent.
“You know what I mean,” Juno replied.
Nureyev sighed, and Juno could hear his eye-roll. “Fine, we can do this the boring way for the sensitive detective,” he complained and Juno snorted.
It went smoothly from there, Juno stopping and going all the way down the stairwell according to Nureyev’s directions. Soon enough, Juno found himself pushing through a door and out onto the street. Parked at the curb, there was a cab waiting, the driver barely blinking at Juno’s sudden appearance before he opened the back door.
“Mr Dahlia Rose?” the cabby confirmed as Juno stepped closer.
“That’s me,” he said with a laugh, and then into his commes, “Thank’s Duke, I’ll see you tomorrow morning?”
Nureyev chuckled warmly, and Juno felt something pull in his chest. “Of course, my love,” he said softly, making Juno’s heart stutter. “I wouldn’t miss breakfast for the world.”
The comms beeped as Juno disconnected, and he gave the cabby his address as he slid into the backseat.
The drive was quiet, disturbed only by the sound of the cabby’s radio, leaving Juno to his thoughts. Juno looked out the window, watching Hyperion City roll by with a wistful smile.
He’d had an amazing evening, even with the emotional argument with Nureyev in the middle of it. Juno felt his chest squeeze as he thought about it, biting his lip as he leaned against the window. He thought about Nureyev saying “my love” all evening, about the feeling of Nureyev’s body under his as he dozed, about the quiet confession regarding the death of the man who made him.
“Stay the night?”
The memory of that quiet, vulnerable question, the hope that filled Nureyev’s tone, struck Juno in the chest. With sudden, intense clarity, he knew he would never be able to write the night off as a casual fling. It shouldn’t have been a surprise, given that Juno knew going into it that he was completely disinterested in sex unless his heart was in it. Juno didn’t do ‘flings.’
Juno knew he was in love with the thief, no matter how stupid that was, and for the brief seconds before the fear and heartach could catch up, he felt overwhelmed with joy.
“I do not want to retire, and I cannot retire to Mars, my love.”
Remembering that felt like a solid punch to the gut. Unshed tears stung his eyes and Juno hated himself for them. He knew the entire time that Nureyev would be leaving. He knew he wouldn’t get to keep him.
The cab stopped outside his apartment, and the cabby shook his head when Juno went to transfer the creds.
“No need. Mr Rose has already paid the fare and tip,” the cabby said, smiling at Juno’s indignant expression.
“Of course he did,” Juno grumbled but still transferred the creds. “Take it.”
“Uh, Mr Rose insisted—”
“Take the money, it’s a tip,” Juno said sternly, and slid out as the cabby thanked him profusely.
Approaching the front door of his and Benten’s apartment, he was relieved to see that there were no lights on inside. Juno didn’t want to deal with Benten while he was so close to crying and his lipstick was smeared across his cheek.
Once he was inside, he worked on getting his boots off, the first one having him curse under his breath as he struggled to untie it. Juno was exhausted and sore, and he just wanted to go to bed.
The tears welled up too quickly for Juno to blink them away, and he pulled off his eyepatch before he really started crying.
The light from the kitchen clicked on, startling a small shriek out of Juno.
“Do you have any idea what time it is, young lady?” Benten shouted, his tone teasing, but Juno was not in the mood for it.
“Har har, Ben. That’s super hilarious and not old at all,” Juno grumbled, trying to keep his tone light as he struggled with his boots, pointedly keeping his back turned toward his brother.
Of course, Benten could easily hear the barely restrained distress in Juno’s voice and he could hear Benten crossing the living room. “Hey, what’s wrong?” he asked.
Juno was frantic in his fight with his boots, needing to get them off so he could hide in the bathroom and get cleaned up. He couldn’t let Benten see him like that, especially not after what they had talked about before his night out.
By the time Juno had gotten free of this first boot, Benten was close enough to catch a glimpse of his messed up make-up and the hickeys on his shoulder and neck. Worst of all, he could see Juno’s unshed tears and Benten was instantly angry.
“Juno, what the fuck—”
“I know, Benten, I fucked up,” Juno said quickly, and he finally got the second boot off and hurried off to the bathroom. He locked himself inside, and when Benten began knocking, Juno shouted, “Go away, Benten! I honestly don’t need your lecture right now!”
“Lecture?” Benten asked, sounding legitimately confused and pausing long enough for Juno to answer.
However, Juno chose to try to ignore his brother, taking out a washcloth and wetting it to try and wash the make-up off. At Juno’s silence, Benten resumed his assault on the door.
“Did he hurt you?” Benten demanded, and Juno was completely thrown off by the question.
“What? No, Benten, I’m fine!” he replied, flinching when his voice cracked a bit. It didn’t sound convincing at all.
“Juno, seriously get out here! I will hunt him down right now and kill him if—”
Juno flung the bathroom door back open and dodged Benten’s fist, which was mid-knock. His brother was wild-eyed, looking so worried, and suddenly he understood his brother’s concern.
“It’s fine, Ben, seriously,” Juno insisted, grabbing Benten’s shoulders. “He didn’t— it’s not what you’re thinking.”
“Juno, you’re crying—”
“I know! I know. Seriously, he was great, he was nice, he was just…” Juno trailed off, unsure of what to say to make Benten leave him alone about it. Juno knew what he looked like, what they discussed before his Not Date with Nureyev, and what it all meant in the long run. “It was fine.”
Benten did not look convinced. “You’re upset. It can’t be fine—”
“Yes, I”m upset!” Juno burst out with an explosive sigh, shaking his head. There was no point denying it, and he wasn’t getting out of the discussion before bed. “If you’re going to insist on doing this tonight, then help me with my make-up. I’m not talking about it while I look like this, and this lipstick is terrible.”
Benten crossed his arms with a frown before rolling his eyes. “Fine, go get out of that dress and meet me in the living room,” he said, turning away to head to the kitchen.
Juno got changed quickly, shivering at the soreness already settling in his hips, thighs, and ass. He knew he was going to be feeling it in the morning, but he didn’t regret a moment of that evening, even with how broken his heart was.
When Juno left his room, he found Benten set up with a tub of coconut oil, a few washcloths, and a bowl of water. There were also two separate pints of ice cream set off to the side on the coffee table and a stream playing quietly on the monitor.
“Ben,” Juno grumbled at the special treatment, sitting down heavily.
“Nuh-uh, Juno. You’re not going to bed like this,” Benten said sternly, warming up the coconut oil in his hands and smearing it over Juno’s face, particularly on his lips and eyes. “You know you can’t go to bed upset. I heard you in the bathroom the other day or whenever that was, by the way.”
“Sorry,” Juno mumbled, embarrassed that Benten had not only heard him, but was bringing it up at all.
“Why the hell are you apologizing to me?” Benten asked, pulling his hands away from Juno’s face to wipe them clean on one of the washcloths. “I said all of that shit to you, let you go to bed upset, and didn’t stick around to make sure you were okay the next morning. That was super shitty of me.”
“Ben—”
“No, shut up. Just this once, let someone else take the blame,” Benten interrupted, picking up another cloth and wetting it a bit. As he began wiping the oil off of Juno’s face, he sighed. “So. What happened?”
Juno actually let out a laugh at that and gestured vaguely at himself. “Well, he took me out to dinner, then we went back to his hotel room, and then I’m pretty sure you can guess what happened after that,” Juno said, trying to be as vague as possible about it.
Benten pulled back and dropped the hand holding the washcloth into his lap. “What does that mean, Juno?” he asked, but it was obvious he knew exactly what Juno had meant.
“We went back to his hotel to talk,” Juno said, blushing hotly when Benten raised his eyebrow at him. “And then we did, uh, a bit more than talking. And then a lot more than talking.”
“We had one rule! Which you agreed to!” Benten scolded, throwing the washcloth onto the coffee table.
“I know,” Juno said with a weak nod.
“It was ‘absolutely do not sleep with the criminal!’ And I even thought it would be easy for you to manage!” Benten continued, grabbing one of the pints of ice cream open and digging into it.
“Yeah, Ben, I remember,” Juno said miserably, grabbing his own ice cream and starting in on it a bit slower.
“And you still slept with him?”
“Yeup,” Juno replied sadly.
Benten made a disgusted noise, almost a gag, and said, “The man put an entire sandwich in his pocket, Juno.”
Juno frowned at him. “He didn’t have the pockets on while we fucked, Ben.”
Benten made another disgusted noise and fell quiet, silently fuming into his ice cream. Then he gasped. “What about the Chastity Thong? Between it and the harness, you were supposed to stop and think!” he insisted.
Juno rolled his eyes. “First of all, the harness just got him really excited, and second of all, I did stop to think,” Juno said, smiling smugly at Benten’s disgusted face. “But then Rex… cut the thong… off of me.”
Benten’s eyes widened. “Like, with scissors?”
Juno smirked at his brother. “With a knife.”
There were several moments of Benten just spluttering. “Wait, let me get this straight,” he finally said, his voice full of indignant shock. “Not only did you fuck a criminal, but you let his knife near your lady bits?”
“The knife didn’t get anywhere near my lady bits, Ben,” Juno replied, and he couldn’t quite keep the wistful note out of his voice.
“And you sound disappointed about that!” Benten cried, horrified by this revelation, and Juno couldn’t pass up the opportunity to mess with his brother.
“So what if I am?” Juno asked with a raised eyebrow.
“Eugh, gross, I’m suing for damages,” Benten whined, glaring while Juno laughed.
After a while, Benten sighed and began mostly picking at his ice cream. “Joking aside, you don’t do casual,” he said softly, and Juno laughed humourlessly. “Like, I know how you’re very much about… needing those intense romantic feelings to get things going like that.”
Juno nodded, biting the inside of his cheek as tears welled back up. “Yeup.”
“And… you slept with him,” Benten continued slowly.
“Yeup,” he confirmed, laughing a bit.
“So… is he, like, staying then?” Benten asked.
“Nope,” Juno huffed, lifting a hand to wipe away a tear that was about to fall.
“Juno…” Benten started, but let himself trail off.
“It was so impulsive,” Juno elaborated, sadly shovelling some ice cream into his mouth. He let the ice cream melt before he said, “I just… I wanted to have whatever I could get, even if I couldn’t keep it, you know?”
Benten was quiet for a long time before pulling Juno into a tight hug, which Juno was more than happy to accept. With some adjusting, Benten got the two of them snuggled under a pile of blankets on the couch, their legs tangled and shoulders touching, leaning their heads together as they worked on their ice cream.
“I really know how to pick’em, huh?” Juno asked eventually.
Benten hummed a bit. “I mean, I hate him, but he seems to really care about you, and he is hot, so I mean, other than the whole criminal and leaving thing, you didn’t do too bad.”
Juno snorted. “Seriously? You hate him?”
“‘Course I do, Juno. He wants to mess around with my brother! I mean, it’s been a struggle to hate him since his obvious disgust at seeing me at that gala, but you know…” Benten trailed off before he asked, “So, you had a good time?”
Juno smiled, his face feeling hot again. “Yeah, dinner was great,” he said a bit wistfully. “Rex took me to that super fancy place, Rouge-something.”
Benten tensed. “Isn’t that where…?”
“Diamond proposed? Yeah,” Juno said with a sigh, smiling down at his ice cream. “But it was fine. It was… it was really nice.”
Juno finished his ice cream, and put the container down on the coffee table. He snuggled into the blankets and relaxed against Benten’s side even more. After a few minutes of quiet between them, he asked, “Why is it always like this for me?”
“Hm?” Benten hummed curiously around a mouthful of his ice cream and Juno shrugged.
“The more I want something, the more the universe does to fuck it up for me,” he answered, and it sounded pathetic to his own ears, and humiliation flooded him when Benten sighed.
“Do you want me to be honest with you, or just let you feel sorry for yourself?” he asked, and Juno let out a bark of laughter.
“Would my answer actually change what you were planning to do?” Juno asked.
“Nope!” Benten said cheerfully and took a deep breath. “Juno, you ignore red flags like it’s your job. You think the flags are decoration, a feature and not a bug. You’re famous for it!”
Juno scoffed before sitting up to face Benten. “And you don’t?”
“Shut up, this isn’t about me, it’s about you,” Benten snapped, glaring. “Listen, you pegged him—”
“He actually pegged me—”
“Ew, shut up, I’m being serious and you’re being gross,” Benten said with a cringe. “You figured him out the instant you saw him. You knew he was bad news, and you knew he would leave since day one.”
Juno glared a bit but he couldn’t actually argue it.
Benten’s face and tone softened as he said, “So, it’s a lot less of the universe ‘ruining’ things and more just… the universe operating as normal.”
“Hmph,” was all Juno said before snuggling deeper into the blankets against Benten’s side.
“I just… really like Rex, Ben,” he confessed quietly, and sighed when Benten rested his cheek on the top of his head.
“He told you his name, then?” Benten asked, and Juno furrowed his brow, wondering if he slipped up somehow.
“Yeah, he told me everything, why— how did you know?” Juno asked.
“I remember you saying something about not calling him ‘Rex’ until you knew his actual name or something like that,” Benten said with a chuckle. “It was super dramatic, and I approved even if I called you an idiot about it.”
Juno laughed a bit and rolled his eyes. “Then yes, he told me his name, and no, I won’t tell you,” Juno said quickly, knowing that was going to be his next question.
For a bit, Benten just pouted into his ice cream until he smirked, meeting Juno’s gaze. “So… does he have an ass?”
Juno groaned loudly. “Goddamn it, Ben, seriously?”
Ben shrugged, scooping up the last big spoonful of his ice cream into his mouth and tossing the empty container onto the coffee table. “It’s a yesh’r no quesh’in, Juno,” he mumbled around the ice cream in his mouth.
“Ass isn’t all there is, Ben,” Juno said, and realizing that was enough of an answer on it’s own, he quickly added, “And it’s not like I really saw him from behind much!”
“Ah, so it’s just as I thought,” Benten hummed, nodding sagely. “No ass. Tragic.”
“Not confirming that assumption, but even if he did lack certain… assets,” Juno started with a sly smirk. “He more than makes up for with his amazing cock—”
“Oh! Gross!” Benten gagged pushing Juno away. “Both the terrible pun and the image of him fucking you in my head. Disgusting. I’m suing for damages!”
Juno laughed just before a huge yawn overtook him. “Can we finish this in the morning? I’m really tired.”
“Yeah, we can do that, Juno,” Benten said, his tone fond and Juno couldn’t help but smile..
With that, the two of them dozed off together on the couch, Juno’s head on his brother’s shoulder, and Benten’s arms wrapped loosely around him.
[Previous Chapter][Next Chapter]
#the penumbra podcast#the penumbra fanfic#junoverse#juno steel#jupeter#bittersweet#gerry writes#full fic
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hello u dont have to answer this if u dont want, but ur situation with gender is scarily similar to where im at except im in the mindset that im nb wlw and dont rlly kno whats going on. I guess if u kno how to explain it, I wanted to ask how u made that jump or how u could tell it isnt just a "womanhood is like that" kind of thing and is actually "i am a guy"
oh man i wish i had smth that would make it Click for u easier cuz i def understand being rly confused abt this kinda thing.. i got a few Thoughts, idk if they will help u out but hopefully they give u some more thoughts to chew on that will maybe help anyway. this got so long oh hell sorry gbfhg
i think like the main thing as like a tip b4 we get in2 the Meat of it is it is good to relax and b open to thinking abt bein a guy as a possibility, i dont know if this will make sense bc i do not know how to explain it rly but when i was struggling 2 figure stuff out what i had rly needed 2 know was that being a dif gender can just feel like You (but as u become more comfortable w it, you but happier!) for some reason i thought u had to meet certain criteria to b ‘allowed’ to make what seemed 2 me at the time a Leap but thats not how it works lol. u as u r right now can b a guy if u want to or r considering it. u dont have to feel different and u dont have to think abt ur body a different way or anything. sry if this part doesnt make sense its difficult for me to verbalize lol
it was hard for me personally bc ppl would b like ‘if u Want to b a dif gender than b one’ but like i said in those last posts, for a long time i genuinely did not know i Wanted to be a guy/was a guy, or whatever. i had no conscious longing about it or anything, that came later once i was more comfortable w accepting it. i didnt have ‘i want to be a boy/am a boy’ moments i can rly consciously remember putting into those words as a kid, cuz i just did not care about gender on that level till i was a teenager. like i cannot stress this enough, ur life and feelings abt gender n whatever do not have to match up with what u have commonly heard the trans experience is about. once u figure stuff out and r more comfortable w urself u may look back and notice things that may b like that common trans experience, but remembering this stuff or having these childhood experiences or whatever in the first place is not a ‘requirement’. like i said, no requirements for bein a dif gender
for me like.. knowing it for sure... making the Jump as it were. like its kinda embarrassing but literally the way i Found Out was i was feeling all sorts of things whenever i watched promare and i just felt this INTENSE longing whenever i saw galo that i later realized was just me rly feeling the Gender w him and being envious of that.. it had happened w other chars b4 growing up, but i had never rly noticed to that extent till now. and one night i was thinking my usual ‘i wish i looked like galo i wish i could be a guy’ maybe for the first time in like a Conscious thought, when i had never rly heard it in words b4, and i kinda stopped and was like. what? i WHAT? and then it clicked and it was like a euphoric moment for me. easily top 5 best 2 ams of my life. it is kind of a hyperspecific experience but it is also not UNCOMMON rly lol
also figuring out my sexuality was intertwined in that bc i was iding as a butch nonbinary lesbian and i had tossed the idea of ‘maybe id b more comfortable as a man’ around a bit but the idea of being a straight man didnt feel right 2 me, but luckily i kind of made the connection of wait im a man and im attracted to men at like the exact same time, it had to b both at once for me personally to figure it out and b happy about it. idk if thats smth going thru ur head at all but it was for me and was part of my Journey i guess and may help to think abt it a bit lol
and while yes its absolutely about what makes u more comfortable at the end of the day, i think it wouldve helped for me to hear ppl say that just bc the idea of being a dif gender (in this case Man) might make u feel confused and maybe even uncomfortable rn, that doesnt necessarily mean u r not one if youve been struggling w this and wondering, it might just mean u havent had that clicky moment and r ready to rly think abt it yet. i have grown much more comfortable w myself over time as ive figured this stuff out and i am still open to figuring out more abt myself and i think thats a good place to b at! just b open to stuff like this that u maybe had never thought would have a positive effect on you or make you happier.
speaking from experience i think if ur confused and maybe even miserable telling urself that womanhood is just like that and u gotta suck it up and get used to feeling uncomfortable and bad, u dont have to live like that! im not saying that ‘oh im actually a guy’ is gonna b what everyone who is struggling w thats answer is cuz obviously thats not true- and im not saying how i just described it is even how u feel- but like. as someone who thought that same thing but less consciously. womanhood does not have to be a confusing sad experience, its not an inherently miserable experience, it is possible it just isnt for you and trying smth else might make u feel better. and that can b rly hard to figure out in the moment, cuz ur Used to feeling like this and even if youve heard it can b different it might b hard to have that ‘oh theyre talking to ME, it can be different for ME not just everyone else’ moment lol
also i dont know if this is relevant to u but im saying it in general 2 anyone who needs it i guess; being a man isnt a bad thing and it doesnt make u an inherently bad person, manhood and masculinity r not inherently or naturally toxic or something. thats a harmful mindset to have for multiple reasons and a whole nother post so im not gonna b like and now a word about transphobic red flags but like, worth mentioning that that can b harmful or dangerous to trans ppl, transmascs and transfems.
my god this got rly long... if anyone else has went thru a similar thing and has anything 2 add, feel free to :0 hope i somehow got around to answering ur question w all the rambling! i am just one guy and my experience may or may not b helpful to hear about, especially bc my memory is not the best lol <3 hope it helped at all tho!
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Periods/having a baby isn't what makes you a woman
I've seen this argument countless times from cis women "having periods is what makes you a woman" " the ability to have babies is what makes us truly women" etc etc..
Not only is this argument obviously transphobic, It's also discounting a LOT of cis women who don't get periods or can't have babies.
If you get ovarian cancer and need them removed, are you suddenly no longer a woman?
If you are on birth control and your periods stop/you cant have babies, are you suddenly not a woman?
If you get a hysterectomy, are you no longer a woman?
Is a trans man/transmasc who's been on testosterone for 10 years, has a full grown beard and is super buff but still has the ability to have babies, is he a woman?
If you personally feel your parts help affirm your identity, then good for you. That's /you/. Not everyone else. You don't get to define anyone's gender but your own. Even if someone who seems completely different from you is a woman, would you try to tell her how to "woman correctly" because of your soul idea womanhood? It doesn't work that way.
While we're on the topic of defining people's genders,
Wanting gender affirmation surgery is usually to help affirm your identity. But it doesn't /define/ an entire identity. It may be a part of yours personally, and reflect how you feel , but it doesn't work that way for everyone.
If it makes you euphoric or comfortable, it's a part of your identity. If it makes you uncomfortable or dysphoric, it isn't a part of your identity.
My lip piercing is euphoric to me, It's an extension of my gender. I got it when I was in the very early stage of gender questioning. I feel it reflects how i feel in an intangible way
What ISNT valid is forcing that ideology on others. You wanting/getting a penis may be a strong part of your identity or identity affirming, but that isn't the universal want of trans men. Not all trans men want surgery or feel it's worth the risk.
Being able to have babies might be affirming to YOUR gender, but it isnt that way for every person. If you're a cis woman, you have to take into account women who can never have babies or likely won't be able to, no matter if their cis women or trans woman.
Your experience may be affirmed to your gender, but your gender isn't the same as everyone's else.
By that I mean, everyone defines their own identity, their own ways of being their gender. It may not match yours to a T, but it doesnt make it less valid because it doesn't align with /you/
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the bittersweet between my teeth, Chapter 6
Written by: GerryStAmour | Gift for: @northisnotup
Some Important Notes:
I choose to believe that anything is possible in the future and that includes ridiculously quick turnaround times after near-death and also Getting Sexy New Teef bc I personally find it really hot.
The smut is only available on AO3! Link is in my pinned post! There is nothing in the smutty parts that is plot heavy, so you aren’t “missing” anything that isn’t covered in the PG-13 parts.
Nureyev is a gender euphoric trans man, as in he does not experience any dysphoria, and has not hat top-surgery, and he does not wear a binder. I use a mix of typically masculine and feminine terminology for his anatomy, particularly his genitalia, as I do for my own body as a transmasc individual.
Nureyev is never depicted with dysphoria in my fics, or having discomfort with his body because describing such a thing with a character I deeply identify with will trigger discomfort in my own body, etc.
Chapter Six [Previous Chapter][First Chapter]
- - - - - Nureyev’s POV - - - - -
Nureyev woke up slowly, his entire body feeling heavy and fatigued with a dull pain in his back and across his stomach, along with lesser pains all over his body. He swallowed and grimaced at the sensation of bandages across his throat.
The memories of the heist were slow to return to him. He could remember the sewers before entering, remembered getting to the vault and collecting the weapons. Then Nureyev remembered the Piranha, Juno coming to rescue him and the slice of pain as the knife plunged between his ribs. He remembered only flashes of their desperate escape, mostly just perfect, stupid, noble Juno refusing to leave him behind, even after discovering the wound.
Straining a bit, he could remember the sewers, laying on the ground while Juno was on his comms, panicked and pleading. The memory of Juno’s outrage at the thought of Nureyev—a thief, a murderer, a nameless criminal, a wanted terrorist—dying in a gutter like he deserved, his conviction that he wouldn’t…
“I love you, Nureyev.”
Jolting at the memory, Nureyev found himself properly awake and looking around for his beautiful detective.
Dread settled in his gut as Nureyev noticed multiple things at once. First, Juno was not anywhere to be seen. Second, he was in a hospital room, which did not bode well. Third, he had no glasses, which made it difficult to get an accurate impression on his situation.
The room he was in appeared to be either rundown or unfinished. The bed he was on felt new, however, so he was inclined to assume the latter. Swallowing thickly, he realized just how dry his throat was and looked around again.
He startled when he realized that someone had actually been sitting beside him, and Nureyev wondered how strong of painkillers he was on were. At first, with how groggy he felt and how fuzzy his vision was, he thought it was Juno, but quickly realized it was Benten.
Benten was reading a book but looked up as Nureyev moved around. He snorted a bit before standing to hand Nureyev a pair of glasses.
“Juno grabbed those for you from your hotel room,” he explained as Nureyev put the glasses on, adding, “He paid for a reservation extension, by the way.”
Nureyev attempted to thank Benten, but only a croak came out. When Benten handed him a water bottle and a straw, he nodded gratefully and took long sips. With his throat soothed a bit, Nureyev tried again and asked, “Where’s Juno?”
Benten stared at him, his expression stony before he sucked his teeth and said, “Taking care of whatever you idiots stole.”
“Ah, right,” Nureyev said with a nod, leaning back and trying not to feel disappointed. That was the smart thing to do, and Nureyev knew it. But waking up, remembering the panicked confessions, and not seeing the lady himself… “That’s good, then.”
“Don’t be too upset, Rex. He was here day and night until you were given the all-clear,” Benten said blandly at Nureyev’s sulking. “It would have been romantic, but he’s my brother, so it’s gross.”
“I’m sure,” Nureyev said with a laugh, looking around again now that he could see. Sure enough, the room he was in was unfinished, with most of the equipment missing and wires hanging from where there would someday be cameras.
“Okay, you know what? No,” Benten burst out, startling Nureyev out of his thoughts abruptly. When Nureyev looked back at him, Benten was glaring at him. “It wouldn’t’ve been romantic, because what you two did was stupid , and reckless , and so far beyond selfish, even I am disgusted with it.”
“Pardon?” Nureyev questioned, bewildered. “We were stopping—”
“Yeah, yeah, you were saving the world, whatever ,” Benten snapped, and it was at that moment that Nureyev realized there were tears in his eyes. “I’m just a little sick of hauling my brother out of gutters, covered in blood. And worse, you two and Rita hid it from me!”
“Benzaiten,” Nureyev started, but he quickly closed his mouth when he realized that nothing he could have said would be helpful.
“Like, fuck,” Benten said with a heavy sigh as he slumped back in his seat and crossed his arms over his chest. “When Juno told us to open without him, and Rita was jumpy all day and then you didn’t show, my first thought was you two dumb saps eloped—”
Nureyev actually choked a bit, blushing deeply. “I didnʼt— We wouldnʼt—”
“—That was literally my worst-case scenario, you know that, Rex? Then Juno’s call happened, and then…” Benten trailed off, gesturing vaguely at Nureyev in the bed before he pouted at the wall next to him.
“Benzaiten, I’m— There’s nothing I can say that can make up for what we did, but I am sorry,” Nureyev said slowly, carefully, and he barely refrained from flinching when Benten looked at him sharply out of the corner of his eye.
“Yeah, I know you are,” Benten said sternly, heaving a huge sigh. “Still mad as hell, though.”
“Of course,” Nureyev said with a nod before asking, “So, what happened after I passed out?”
Benten shrugged before saying, “Rita and I closed the cafe early, raced over, you were… bad , and Juno was…”
When he trailed off again, Nureyev remembered the hysterical edge to Juno’s voice just before he faded completely, and nodded.
“I called Mick, since he’s a security guard here, and he pulled some strings to get you up here,” Benten continued after a moment. “No cameras, and no records at all. Juno threw a ton of creds at the doctors and nurses. Rita’s checking constantly to make sure they keep their end of the deal.”
“Thank you,” Nureyev said after a bit, raising an eyebrow.
“It was Rita’s idea, mostly,” Benten said with a shrug of his shoulders and an eye-roll. “She heard you say ‘no hospitals’ like one of those ridiculous characters from her cheesiest streams and hatched the whole idea.”
Nureyev smiled at that and leaned back against the pillows. “Still, thank you, Benzaiten.”
“Whatever, Rex,” he replied with another eye-roll.
Nureyev actually chuckled, feeling exhaustion coming over him again. “Careful, Benzaiten. You’re almost being nice to me.”
“I’m contractually required to do anything my brother asks for twenty-four hours if he cries,” Benten said flatly. “He asked me to wait with you and ‘be nice’ when you woke up.”
Nureyev laughed out loud, tipping his head back and closing his eyes. Licking his chapped lips, he flinched when he found the gap where his teeth used to be. He pressed his tongue into the hole, and made a face, resolving to fix that as quickly as possible.
“Plus, I mean,” Benten began with an explosive sigh. “I can’t really listen to my brother sob about how much he loves a guy while he’s bleeding out in a gutter and then get right back to bullying him when he wakes up. I have some morals or whatever. Yelling at you for being stupid does not count as bullying, though.”
Nureyev froze, eyes flashing open to look at Benten sharply. “How much… did you overhear?”
“Some of it. Enough of it, I guess,” he replied with a noncommittal shrug. “Juno already tore into me about your name, by the way. I get it, my lips are sealed, I’m leaving it alone. You’re ‘Rex’ until you tell me otherwise, okay?”
“Sounds agreeable,” Nureyev said tensely, but he forced himself to relax. This was Benzaiten Steel, the love of his life’s twin brother, with whom Juno shared nearly everything. If there was another person in the galaxy Nureyev would have eventually told, it likely would have been him.
“Just don’t be too hard on him about it,” Benten said quickly. “He’s been working himself into at least three ulcers over it.”
Nureyev merely nodded before he closed his eyes again and laid back. He would think about it more later when he had the opportunity to do so alone.
Benten made an unimpressed noise. “You have to choose your meals, Rex. It’s the paper on your tray.”
Nureyev sighed and shook his head. Exhaustion was dragging on his limbs and he couldn’t be bothered to choose what awful hospital food he would have forced on him.
“Fine, go to sleep. Gonna set you up with a liquid diet,” Benten said sourly. “Nothing but smoothies and broth.”
Nureyev laughed a bit before allowing himself to drop off back to sleep.
It was the next day when Juno returned.
Nureyev was picking at his meal, having eaten everything remotely palatable while Mick sat with him, shuffling a deck of cards. They had played a few rounds of various games up until someone delivered him his meal.
He could hear Juno’s heavy boots in the hall and looked over at the door moments before the detective walked in. Seeing him again, after everything they’d gone through, took the breath right out of Nureyev’s lungs.
Juno’s clothes were dusty and rumpled in a way that made Nureyev think heʼd slept in them, and he had more than a little bit of stubble on his jaw. Nureyev remembered that Juno loved him, and a thousand butterflies took wing in his stomach. He wanted to leap out of the bed and embrace Juno, shower him with romantic verse and tell him over and over and over again that he loved him, too.
But when Juno’s eye met his, he froze in the doorway, his expression open and easy to read for only the briefest of moments. It showed relief first, and then fear before it was closed, like shutters being pulled to keep Nureyev out.
That was concerning, but he wasn’t about to jump to any conclusions.
Mick looked over and grinned, his big goofy one that was usually contagious. “Hey, JayJay! Welcome back!”
“Hey, Mick,” Juno greeted, biting the inside of his cheek but not entering the room any further. “How’s everything?”
“Everything’s great!” Mick replied, turning to scoop up his cards and put them away in their box. “Especially now that you’re back, everything’s perfect!”
“Where are you going?” Juno asked, a look of panic overcoming his expression when his big friend stood and walked toward the door.
“I mean, I was going back to work? I do actually have a job here, you know,” he replied with a full laugh, looking between Juno and Nureyev with a suggestive look. “That, and I figure you two lovebirds would like the chance to catch up.”
Before either of them could say anything, Mick was already out the door, only pausing to clap a heavy hand on Juno’s shoulder as he passed. Once the door shut behind him with a loud clap, silence fell over the room.
After a minute or two with nothing said between them, Nureyev motioned to what was left of his food. “Hungry? I’m not eating the rest of this,” he said, sneering at the remainder of his meal.
Eying what Nureyev had left on his tray, Juno snorted. “Too good for jello and applesauce, Rex?”
“Yes,” Nureyev replied flatly.
With a chuckle, Juno picked up the applesauce pouch and opened it, eating the stuff slowly while Nureyev watched him. The detective was obviously thinking about something, and it wasn’t sitting very well on his mind either. Nureyev just wasn’t quite sure how to bring the topic up in a way that would be productive with his detective.
“Juno, darling—”
“I have to check on the cafe. It's been closed for a couple days,” Juno said suddenly, furrowing his brow down at the pouch of applesauce. “Gotta make sure it’s still in one piece.”
“I—” Nureyev started, his mouth twisting with hurt but he didn’t know what to say. Despite saying he should go, however, Juno hadn’t made any move to leave which gave Nureyev some hope. “O-of course, I understand. Could we talk before you leave, dear?”
“What’s there to talk about?” Juno asked, still pointedly looking at the pouch in his hands, and Nureyev’s frown deepened.
“Well, we can start with something small. How did disposing of the weapons go?” Nureyev asked, working hard to keep his voice steady.
“Went fine, your friend isn’t very talkative,” Juno replied, still not looking at him. “Feel like he kinda overcharged for his services, but hey, I’m not about to argue with someone twice my size. Plus, seemed kind of fitting to use Pereyra’s hush-money.”
“Of course,” Nureyev said, and the sigh escaped him before he could stop it, and he asked, “Have I done something wrong, Juno?”
“What?” Juno asked, finally meeting Nureyev’s gaze with an alarmed look.
“I mean, of course, I’m struggling to think of anything I could’ve done, given that I’ve been unconscious—”
“Rex, why the hell would you think you’ve done anything wrong?” Juno interrupted and Nureyev laughed at the question.
“You have barely looked at me since you returned and were planning to leave the moment you saw I was conscious,” Nureyev listed back at him, raising an eyebrow, trying to calm the rising panic in his gut. “So, either I’ve done something, or… I don’t know, Juno. I don’t know what else all of that could mean.”
“No, Rex, that’s not—” Juno abruptly cut himself off, and just like that, the wall came crumbling down. “I’m—I fucked up, so much, and didn’t listen to anything you said. I know you said no hospitals—”
“Juno—”
“—and I know it was really selfish of me to risk your identity—”
“My love, please—”
“—But I couldn’t just let it happen like that. And then Benten reminded me about Mick—”
“Juno—”
“—and I know Benten overheard your name, I fucked up, forgetting the comms—”
“Juno! Please,” Nureyev finally managed to get in, and Juno shut his mouth with an audible click of his teeth. Nureyev swivelled his tray out of the way and looked at Juno. “Yes, I said I couldn’t go to the hospital, but you seem to have sufficiently worked around the issues I have with them. As for your other point, yes it was not ideal, someone else learning my name, but I’m not— you didn’t do anything wrong. It can’t be taken back now, regardless.”
“But Rex—”
“I’ve talked to Benzaiten about it already. Now answer this for me: would I have survived if you had not brought me here?” Nureyev interrupted curtly, and he could feel himself shaking as he waited for Juno’s answer.
Juno bit the inside of his cheek, and his eye went glassy and wet with emotion. “No,” he replied, his voice something quiet and delicate.
“Then I’m grateful you ignored my wishes, Juno,” Nureyev said with a smile, holding his hand out to reach for Juno. “Now, please, can you just come here and lay with me?”
Juno was quick with tossing the empty pouch of applesauce in the trash and removing his boots before climbing onto the bed next to Nureyev. Juno only paused in laying down to give him a kiss, deepening it with a keening whine and a swipe of his tongue, straddling his lap carefully. The rasp of Juno’s stubble against Nureyev’s face was novel and exquisite, and he almost pulled the detective in for even more.
Then Juno pulled away with a bit of a grimace, laughing at Nureyev’s puzzled expression. “Sorry,” he laughed again, not sounding sorry at all. “Feels kinda weird with the missing teeth.”
Nureyev groaned. “I’m well aware, dear.”
Juno chuckled and kissed him again. “I’m sure I can get used to it. You know, if we practice a bit,” he said suggestively, his voice dropping lower as he leaned in for another kiss. Nureyev smirked and deepened it just enough to warrant a quick nip at Juno’s lower lip as he pulled away.
“That is certainly something we can do,” he agreed, grabbing the front of Juno’s shirt and pulling him in for more.
They made out slow and easy with no sense of urgency and very little heat for some time. Juno brought his hands up to hold Nureyev’s between them, sighing happily as Nureyev licked into his mouth.
After some time passed languidly like that, Juno pulled back to grumble, “How is it you can be out cold for two days and not have just rancid morning breath?”
“They do let me out of this bed, dear detective,” Nureyev replied with a laugh. “That is actually a requirement for them to discharge me. I’ve both bathed and brushed my teeth today.”
“Right, yeah,” Juno said sheepishly. “That makes sense. So you’ll be discharged soon?”
Nureyev nodded and said, “In a few days. The wound on my back has one more round of treatment before I can resume most normal physical activity.”
Juno nodded but was startled by a very big and very loud yawn. “Oh, shit. Sorry, Rex, I’m not bored, just exhausted,” he grumbled a bit as he rubbed his eye tiredly.
Nureyev smiled sweetly at Juno, which had the detective looking at him with a wide eye and chewing on the inside of his cheek. The expression was so strange on his face, so vulnerable that Nureyev expected the shutters to be pulled any moment, but then they weren’t. Another flock of butterflies burst to flight in his stomach.
“You’re fine, darling. Come and lay down with me,” Nureyev finally said, beckoning Juno into his arms, an invitation that was immediately accepted.
Nureyev let out a contented sigh as Juno wrapped around him like an octopus, his mouth and nose pressed into his throat, against the parts of his skin that weren’t covered in bandages. Nureyev shivered at the brushing touch of Juno’s lips, at the hot breath against his neck and felt the fluttering in his gut settle as he wrapped an arm around Juno’s shoulders. Held tight in Nureyev’s arms, Juno sucked in a deep breath through his nose, seemingly holding it before slowly releasing it and burrowing deeper into the nape of his neck.
“Is everything okay, Juno?” he asked quietly, feeling his entire body relaxing with the warmth of his lover against him.
“Mm-hmm,” Juno mumbled, his voice already thick and sleepy. “I was just… just needed to check something.”
Nureyev smiled at that and turned to press his lips against the top of Juno’s head in a gentle kiss. “Juno,” he said quietly, his heart jumping when he remembered Juno’s confession again. “I wanted to ask you something.”
There was no response from the detective except for a quiet, gentle snore. Juno was sound asleep within the handful of minutes it had taken him to settle in against him, and Nureyev couldn’t have helped the smile that came to his face if he wanted to.
- - - - -
It was dark when Nureyev was woken up, and he was immediately tense. Something was wrong, and for a delirious moment he thought it was the weight holding him down that was the issue. Then the memories of the hospital, Juno returning, and both of them falling asleep together came back in a rush.
Juno twitched and let out a low groan, his fingers curled tightly into the front of Nureyev’s medical gown. He was clammy, his sweat soaking through to Nureyev’s skin, and he was shivering. Then Juno gagged, dry-heaving as he woke up and looked around wildly.
Nureyev grabbed the little bucket he had been provided by the hospital and handed it to Juno, who immediately used it with incredible enthusiasm. The whole time, Nureyev rubbed his back gently, pausing to massage the back of Juno’s neck when he was done unloading the contents of his stomach, humming quietly as the detective tried to calm his breathing. A few minutes later, after successfully staving off another bout of puking, Juno finally leaned over to place the bucket on the bedside table.
“Shit, I’m sorry,” he groaned, covering his face and his voice sounded entirely too upset for Nureyev’s liking. “They come back when I’m stressed out. The nightmares, I mean.”
“Why are you apologizing?” Nureyev asked, reaching up to gently pull Juno’s hands away from his face.
Juno blinked at him as if the answer was plain as day, baffled that he would even have to ask. “I woke you up,” Juno said flatly, as if that was enough of a reason. “I woke you up, almost puked on you, and shit, I’m so sweaty—”
“Juno, dear, do you realize how low those things are on my list of priorities?” Nureyev interrupted, lifting his hands to cradle Juno’s face. “Right now, I’m worried about you, love.”
He could feel Juno’s face heat up against his palms, the detective clearly embarrassed and perhaps a bit overwhelmed. “It’s— you need your sleep, so I should go,” Juno quickly said, but before he could get up, Nureyev adjusted his hands to hold the back of Juno’s head.
“What you’re going to do, Juno Steel, is go into that bathroom and use one of the toothbrushes provided by the hospital,” Nureyev said firmly, and Juno went still next to him. “Then you’re going to come back here and lay with me again.
“You don’t have to do this, Rex,” Juno whispered, and Nureyev pulled him down so he could press a kiss to his forehead.
“Of course I don’t, Juno. Doesn’t mean I don’t want to,” Nureyev replied, sighing as he let Juno sit back enough to meet his gaze again. “If you refuse to let me do this for you, then do as I ask for my own comfort. I’m worried about you, and would very much like to hold you.”
Juno bit the inside of his cheek as he shook his head in disbelief. “Are you serious?” he eventually asked and Nureyev laughed softly.
“Of course I am, darling,” he replied, pursing his lips tightly. “Now go and brush your teeth. I expect you to come right back here.”
Juno huffed a weak laugh and as he slipped off the bed, he muttered a quiet, “Yes, sir.” Nureyev found himself a bit breathless at being called “sir” and decided that might be something for them to explore properly later.
A few minutes later, Juno crawled back onto the bed, squawking a bit when Nureyev yanked him forward by the front of his shirt. Tucking the detective in beside him, Nureyev dipped his head to capture Juno’s lips in a chaste kiss, sighing when Juno pressed up into it.
“Would it… help to talk about it?” Nureyev asked a bit haltingly when they pulled apart. He personally had very little experience with nightmares and even less with the nightmares of a loved one.
“I don’t know,” Juno replied after a bit, and he flopped down next to Nureyev, tucking his head under his chin. “They’re just about when I lost my eye.”
“Ah, I see,” Nureyev hummed, rubbing Juno’s back soothingly.
“But now you’re there,” he confessed, wrapping his arm tightly around Nureyev’s waist. “When I was so busy fussing about my aim that she got you. Keeps replaying.”
“Juno, please understand that I am incredibly grateful for you taking what time you did to aim,” Nureyev said firmly. “Also, understand that she was going to ‘get me’ whether you shot her or not.”
Juno stiffened in his arms before propping himself up to look at Nureyev’s face. “What?” he asked quietly.
“I’m not sure if this will be comforting to you or not,” Nureyev started, before sighing. “I felt the knife before you even lifted your blaster, Juno. It was likely her plan to stab me, and let me bleed out while she continued taunting you.”
At that, Juno sat up fully to meet Nureyev’s gaze properly. “Seriously?”
“She underestimated you, dear detective,” Nureyev replied, smiling. “She didn’t do it as some sort of last moment revenge on you. She truly believed she had won.”
“That’s…” Juno trailed off before chuckling a bit. “That actually is kind of comforting.”
“I should hope so,” Nureyev said with a laugh of his own. “You were amazing in there, and I cannot thank you enough for doing literally nothing I told you to.”
Juno laughed out loud and bent to kiss Nureyev, slow and searching before pulling away to snuggle in tight again.
“I’ve always had a problem with authority,” he joked around a yawn.
Nureyev chuckled at that and squeezed Juno against his side. Within a few minutes, Juno was asleep again and Nureyev was drifting off to join him.
- - - - -
Nureyev discharged himself from the hospital a day early. He had managed to convince Juno to go home early in the evening, and that he would come by the cafe the next day at dinnertime, so there was no need to visit him again. There was part of him that knew leaving Mars immediately was wiser, that staying was just asking to get caught again by Ramses or even Pereyra.
But Nureyev was fairly confident that the information dug up and subsequently leaked for both mayoral candidates would keep them busy for the foreseeable future, at least long enough to spend a couple more nights however he pleased.
And what he wanted most was to spend his last night on Mars with a cranky private investigator. He also had another appointment.
So he changed hotels to something fancier, though discreet with very few surveillance cameras in the halls, as the establishment catered to guests seeking a more romantic experience. They would not be watched, nor bothered, and the rooms all had incredible sound-proofing between units.
Nureyev decided he should go all out for his romantic evening with Juno, and rented the honeymoon suite. It was a corner suite on the highest floor, which would give them an almost panoramic view of Hyperion City and the surface of Mars beyond the dome through uninterrupted floor-to-ceiling windows. Just off the spacious living room through a set of double-doors was the bedroom and it’s ensuite.
Nureyev was particularly enamoured with the king-sized four-poster bed, which was on a raised platform and tucked right into the corner of windows. There were gauzy fabrics hanging from the ceiling and secured at points above the corners of the bed, though they only draped to curtain off the two sides of the bed facing into the bedroom. The gauzy fabric was lined with thousands of dots of gentle, amber lights that twinkled like stars.
The ensuite itself was massive, with a huge soaker tub and luxurious shower stall, both also situated against floor-to-ceiling windows.
Nureyev spent the better part of his afternoon chatting with the concierge about arrangements for the next evening and then, after asking her a few questions about local stores, he headed out to do some shopping.
The next day, Nureyev properly groomed himself for the first time since the heist, which had been… a bit of an ordeal he hadn’t anticipated.
It was the first time he had seen himself naked for any amount of time without bandages and there was a vain part of him that cringed away from himself, that squirmed at the idea of Juno seeing him like that.
The scars on his face would be easy to hide with make-up, he decided, especially the thinner ones that decorated his cheeks and the line of his jaw. The ones on his throat would be trickier, and he cursed his lack of foresight during his shopping trip the day before. He could have gotten a nice collar or something to cover them up. He would have to use make-up until he found a more suitable alternative.
It was the mess of slashes on his chest and the electrical burn scars on his abdomen that caused him the most distress, given his penchant for revealing tops. He didn’t have much in the way of sexy clothing that would hide those, and make-up wouldn’t be ideal.
What would Juno think?
But then he remembered that Juno wore his scars, if not with pride then with defiance. What would that say to Juno, if Nureyev went to such great lengths to hide his own wounds? What would that communicate to his sensitive detective?
So with a determined sigh, Nureyev got dressed without consideration for hiding anything, putting on a black, cropped top with a plunging neckline that showed off all of the jagged scars across his chest, and if not for the corset-waisted slacks he wore, the burn scar would also have been almost completely visible.
He finished his look off with a loose braid, tied off with a black ribbon, keeping his hair quite nicely out of his face.
Nureyev looked at himself in the mirror again, and hated what he saw, but he would learn to be okay with it. If Juno could, so could Nureyev.
As he left the hotel that afternoon, he stopped by the front desk to verify that the special accommodations he set up the night before were still happening, and to inform them he was leaving for the day for their convenience.
The cab ride to his first destination was short and sweet, and Nureyev asked the driver to keep the meter running, regardless of how long it took him to return.
It did not take long, as he had been promised it wouldn’t when the specialist had visited him at the hospital. It was only thirty minutes, and he was returning to the cab with a new set of teeth. The marvels of modern medicine and cosmetic surgery had allowed him to easily and almost painlessly fix the mess the Piranha had made of his iconic smile. He even paid a little bit extra to get something a bit flashier than boring old white, going instead with something that looked like rose gold, inspired by the ear cuff Juno always wore.
In the back of the cab, Nureyev was beside himself with excitement to show Juno, bouncing his knee and drumming a beat on his thigh. By the time they reached the cafe, he was about to vibrate right out of his skin.
“Keep the meter running again, please,” Nureyev said breathlessly to the driver, sliding out and walking into the cafe
Juno was behind the counter with Benten and Rita, the three of them chatting while Juno was balancing an empty serving tray on the tip of his finger. Juno was less rumpled—wearing a pink sweater-dress that exposed his shoulders and just enough of his collarbones to make Nureyev’s mouth water—though he still had quite a bit of stubble defining the sharp edge of his jaw.
Nureyev may have commented on the stubble at one point while he was in the hospital, perhaps in the middle of a heated make-out session with his detective. There was also the possibility that he had made a crude comment about where else he might enjoy feeling the burn of it. Juno had since been conspicuously lax on shaving, and that excited Nureyev greatly.
Juno looked over, and when he properly registered that it was indeed Nureyev he was seeing, his face lit up. It wasn’t a grin, but there was a way his face would shift when he smirked at him that felt like the entire sun was being channelled through it. Juno’s posture straightened and he grabbed the tray between both of his hands to avoid dropping it.
“They let you out early for good behaviour?” Juno asked teasingly, pushing a grumpy Benten out of the way so he could lean against the counter as Nureyev approached. “Thought you wouldn’t be here until after dinner.”
“I actually discharged myself last night to get a few things prepared. I also had an appointment today,” Nureyev said as he stopped at the counter. He placed his hands on the counter top and leaned close, grinning broadly at the detective.
The moment Juno saw the new teeth, his eye widened and the tray slipped out of his hands, clattering loudly against the counter before hitting the floor.
Benten let out a low, begrudgingly impressed whistle before turning a judgmental look on Juno.
Rita however shoved herself up as tall as she could get on the counter short of standing on it, letting out a high-pitched sound of excitement. Without hesitation, she grabbed Nureyev’s face with both hands and turned it side to side before squealing again.
“Wow, Mista Glass, that is so cool! And preeetty!” she gushed before gasping dramatically and letting go of his face. “They’re pretty-cool! Not pretty cool as in cooler than normal, boring cool, but pretty-cool as in they’re both pretty and cool because they’re cool and pretty!”
She barely paused to catch her breath before she smacked Juno’s arm with a stern look. “Mista Steel, aren’tcha gonna say something nice about Mista Glass’ new teeth?” she growled in a tone that she possibly thought was quiet, but the entire restaurant heard her.
Juno swallowed thickly, taking in a shaky breath before nodding. “Uh,” he began, his voice too hoarse to continue right away, so he cleared his throat before saying, “They’re, uh, they’re really great. They l-look, uh, good.”
Nureyev took a moment to bite his bottom lip, feigning shyness to show off the teeth pressing into soft flesh. Juno’s breath left him in a quick whoosh at that, his expression taking on an even more dazed quality.
“Holy shit,” Juno whispered dreamily, quiet enough that only the three of them with him at the counter could hear.
At that, Benten pulled a face and gagged audibly. “Oh, gross. Get a room,” he groaned loudly, and Juno spluttered for a moment, successfully snapped out of his stupor.
Nureyev turned a broad grin on Benten, not missing the way Juno’s eye locked on his mouth again.
“I did, in fact, get one,” he said, and turned to look at Juno again, adding, “I’m here to collect my dear detective for the evening.”
Rita actually screamed with her delight, gaining the attention of every patron in the cafe, and abruptly turned to start pulling Juno’s apron off.
“Aw, Mista Glass, how romantic! C’mon, Mista Steel, get outta here!” she commanded, growling when Juno kept knocking her hands away.
Juno bit the inside of his cheek, finally managing to get Rita to stop grabbing at his clothes. For the first time since Nureyev arrived, Juno looked unsure and Nureyev wanted to pull him into a kiss.
“I’m not really dressed for a date, Rex,” he said, and Nureyev could tell he was pulling down the back of his dress nervously. Nureyev smiled at him, feeling utterly fond of Juno in a way that was almost smothering.
“You look beautiful, radiant even, my love,” he replied and Rita made that sound of hers again, the one like a rocketship revving, while Benten groaned and rolled his eyes.
“What a line, Rex,” Benten said flatly. “Juno’s not that easy—”
“Y-yeah, okay. Yeah,” Juno interrupted, his gaze turning dreamy again as he fished the keys to the cafe out of the pocket of his dress and finished taking off his apron.
“Wow, I stand corrected,” Benten murmured, eyebrows raised as he accepted the keys from Juno. “Are you going to be home in time to open tomorrow, or should I post a sign?”
Juno glanced at Nureyev, who merely smirked at him suggestively, relishing Benten’s gag and Rita’s snickers.
“The sign might be a better idea, Ben,” Juno replied with his own little smirk before he came around the counter and followed Nureyev out.
They slid into the backseat of the cab, sitting flush together and the moment they were settled, Nureyev pulled Juno into a kiss. It was chaste, for the sake of the driver if nothing else, but he desperately wanted to deepen it. Juno, the absolute minx, tested his restraint when he dragged his pierced tongue along the seam of his lips.
However, the driver cleared his throat and Juno pulled away so quickly, Nureyev feared he might exit the vehicle entirely.
“So, where to now, Mr Rose?” the driver asked, his expression unimpressed in the rear view mirror.
Nureyev only smiled at the man’s sour look and said, “Back to the hotel, please.”
“Your hotel?” Juno asked, and when Nureyev looked at him, he was delighted to see the confused little pout.
It was obvious Juno was thinking about the seedy little hotel room he’d booked before the heist, and it was endearing that he had expected better. Nureyev smiled soothingly down at Juno, grabbing his thigh and squeezing lightly.
“Do you trust me, love?” Nureyev asked, low and quiet.
“Well, yeah,” Juno said without hesitation.
Nureyev leaned down and gave Juno a kiss on the corner of his mouth, and the detective immediately turned into it. Nureyev was almost sad that he had to pull away, lest he get carried away.
“Then trust that I wouldn’t take you to a hovel for—” he paused, realizing what he was about to say, and that it would be the first time he was saying it aloud. Nureyev took a deep breath, and said, “For our last night before I leave.”
Juno’s expression faltered, becoming deeply sad before he visibly rallied himself with a small smile. “Okay.”
When they pulled up to the hotel, Juno let out a low whistle and looked down at his sweater-dress and clunky leather boots. “Damn, Duke. Now I’m definitely underdressed,” he said, and while it was said as if it was a joke, it sounded a bit too self-deprecating for Nureyev’s liking.
Nureyev paid the cabby handsomely for being a chauffeur and got out when the doorman opened his door. Reaching back into the cab, he helped Juno slide out with a firm grip on his hand.
“I said you looked radiant, love, and I meant it,” Nureyev soothed. “And if it worries you so much, I do have something up in the room for you to change into.”
“You bought me clothes?” Juno asked him incredulously, his face the picture of annoyance but his tone lacked all heat.
“Only a few items, love, and at quite the discount, too. A steal even,” Nureyev said cheekily, kissing the top of Juno’s head and tangling their fingers together. “So don’t you worry that pretty little head of yours.”
“Duke, is this… okay?” Juno asked quietly as Nureyev led him inside by their clasped hands. When Juno tucked himself in close to his side, Nureyev looked down at him and while the detective looked unsure, there was the tiniest hint of a smile on his lips.
“This hotel is very discreet, very few cameras,” Nureyev explained, squeezing Juno’s hand a bit. “Also, we aren’t hiding from mayors, aspiring or otherwise, nor their shared criminal bodyguard.”
“I guess that makes sense,” Juno said as an adorable smile curved his lips, and Nureyev was very nearly about to bend and kiss him senseless right there in the lobby.
“And,” Nureyev began in a lower voice as they arrived at the elevators. “The staff might think it’s odd if we walked in acting like we barely knew each other.”
“And why’s that?” Juno asked, looking up at him through his lashes.
“I requested a few romantic accommodations earlier,” he replied with a smirk, pausing at Juno’s shaky inhale. “And, I did rent the honeymoon suite.”
“Are you serious?” Juno asked as the elevator dinged with its arrival, his hand twitching in Nureyev’s.
“Of course I am,” Nureyev says with a winning smile as they stepped inside. Juno’s gaze, as Nureyev expected, was immediately drawn to the new teeth. “Only the best for my beautiful lady, after all.”
As soon as the doors slid shut behind them, Nureyev was dragged down by the front of his loose and flowy shirt, his mouth captured in a hungry kiss. Juno whined, pressing as close to Nureyev’s body as he could, tongue pressing into his mouth insistently. The sudden armful of solid detective had Nureyev stumbling back against the wall, chuckling into Juno’s mouth before meeting his tongue halfway. He allowed the kiss for a few moments before he gently pushed Juno back, grinning at the detective’s dazed expression.
“Slow down, love,” he said soothingly as the elevator slowed to a stop. When the doors reopened, Nureyev took Juno’s hand again and began to lead him down the hall. “We have all night.”
“That a promise?” Juno asked huskily, and Nureyev was shocked at how slick he felt between his legs already.
“Well, I’m certainly up for the challenge,” Nureyev replied as they arrived at the door to the suite, pulling out his key and smirking down at Juno. “And I fully expect you to stay the night this time.”
“Sounding pretty confident there, Rose,” Juno teased.
“I can be quite persuasive, I’ve been told,” Nureyev replied, beckoning Juno inside once he got the door open.
Upon seeing the suite, Juno gasped and let go of Nureyev’s hand to cross the room to the windows overlooking his city.
Nureyev took the time that Juno was distracted to survey the room for his requests and remove his gloves. There was a small table set up with a tablecloth and a beautiful flower arrangement, ready and waiting for their dinner to be delivered in the next hour or so. The monitor was on, set to a station that was playing gentle, romantic music.
Overall, he was pleased with the hotel’s work and had faith the bedroom and ensuite were to his specifications as well. Joining Juno at the windows, he looked down and his breath caught at the stunned expression on the detective’s face. Juno finally turned his gaze away to look at the suite, his eye wide.
“Nureyev,” he started, and it was that moment that Nureyev realized he hadn’t heard his name from those lips in days, a realization that almost knocked him off his feet. “This is… really nice.”
Nureyev was very suddenly unsure of his plans, whether they were the right course of action or if they were more likely to scare the detective away. Juno looked overwhelmed, his eye wet with unshed tears, his bottom lip quivering a bit before he bit it lightly. Nureyev cupped Juno’s cheeks in both hands, wiping away a tear that was about to fall.
“Juno, is this okay?” he asked, truly worried he’d gone too far.
“Yeah, jeez, sorry. This is amazing, just,” Juno said with a laugh, tilting his head into one of Nureyev’s hands and closing his eye with a watery sigh. “No one’s ever done something this nice for me.”
Not for the first time, Nureyev was overcome with the urge to hunt down and strangle the life out of every single person who had deemed themselves worthy of Juno Steel’s time. They had all swept him up and they took, and took, and took from him, not once putting in the work to deserve him, leaving Juno to tear up over the bare minimum.
Instead, Nureyev stooped to kiss Juno, deep and searching, drawing the soft little gasping moans he loved so dearly from his gorgeous detective.
“Well, then I’m glad to have been the first,” he said as they parted for air. “Dinner should be arriving in just over an hour. The bathroom is just inside the bedroom if you would like to freshen up a bit?”
Juno took a deep breath and nodded, stepping out of Nureyev’s embrace. “Yeah, I’ll go do that,” he said, a bit dazed still, and when he turned to walk away, Nureyev followed him.
“You know, I’ve been running around all morning, so I think I’ll get cleaned up as well,” he said with a cheeky grin, the expression widening at Juno’s sceptical snort.
“I doubt we have time for both of us to take a shower, Nureyev,” Juno said.
“I’m sure we could think of some sort of arrangement, love,” Nureyev purred suggestively, thoroughly enjoying the confused look on Juno’s face when he glanced back.
“What the hell does—” he began, but at Nureyev’s smirk, his expression went slack with realization, an expression Nureyev found as beautiful as it was priceless. “—Oh.”
Juno swallowed thickly and stammered, “Y-yeah, I mean sure—yeah, we can do that. Totally.”
Nureyev smiled wide when Juno cut himself off shyly, biting the inside of his cheek. Juno glanced at the new teeth again, and Nureyev took that moment to drag his tongue lightly across the points of them. Juno took a shuddery breath before grabbing his hand and dragging him to the bedroom.
The opulence of the bedroom actually tripped Juno up a bit, Nureyev running into him when he staggered to a halt with a gasp.
The curtains around the bed were freed from their tie-backs, and the twinkling lights in the billowy canopy were turned on. The gauzy fabrics obscured the view of the bed and windows beyond by quite a bit, but Nureyev did like that they wouldn’t offer complete privacy.
Taking a deep breath, Juno continued into the ensuite, only to come to an abrupt halt all over again.
The room was lit up in the gentle, amber light of the chandelier hanging above the huge round soaker tub to their left. It was set into a ledge which sat against the massive windows overlooking the city. The tub was already full of steamy water, and there was a near-solid layer of rose petals across the surface. The petals were also scattered across the edge of the tub, the window ledge, and the floor around it.
“Jeez, Nureyev. Are there any roses left in Hyperion City?” Juno all but whispered next to him, and he flushed deeply.
He had requested a romantic set-up for the evening, certainly, but he had expressed that his date would not appreciate a spectacle. The concierge had confirmed a subtle, understated romantic feel, and Nureyev shuddered at the thought of what the full romantic package would have looked like.
Nureyev turned to defend himself and saw the expression on Juno’s face. His eye was wide with wonder and delight, as well as something intense like yearning— no, it was love that overtook Juno’s expression. Nureyev was winded when he realized that Juno loved it, every part of it, right down to the floral massacre in the bathtub. The sass was an attempt at deflecting, at trying not to let on just how much he wanted it.
With a tug of their clasped hands, Nureyev spun Juno into his embrace and dipped down for a searching kiss, hands twisting in the knit of Juno’s dress. Juno whined and opened for him, pushing up onto his toes with his hands holding Nureyev’s biceps. They stood flush together, mouths moving slow and perfect, and Nureyev sighed when Juno’s tongue pressed against his own, the piercings sending a thrill through him.
Nureyev pulled back to catch his breath, and Juno tipped back onto his heels to stare up at him, dazed and smiling. He took in the face of his detective, his gaze lingering on the plain black eyepatch for a few moments before lifting a hand questioningly. It wasn’t even particularly important to him if Juno wore the eyepatch or not—that was Juno’s decision, and his decision only. Nureyev only figured that it would be an inconvenient obstacle in the bath.
Juno sucked in a sharp breath as Nureyev’s fingers lightly touched the eyepatch, and Nureyev waited for a sign to continue or back off. There was a beat before Juno gave him a quick nod, and Nureyev slowly lifted it off, tossing it onto the vanity.
Turning back to his detective, Nureyev took in the full view of Juno’s face for the first time since meeting him.
Nureyev found himself surprised to see that Juno still had his natural eye. For whatever reason, he had expected the eye to have been completely removed, but that was not the case.
“They were able to save the eye itself,” Juno muttered quietly, tensely as if hearing Nureyev’s thoughts. “Couldn’t get the vision back.”
Nureyev nodded with a comforting smile and looked his face over, really taking it in and cataloging each new thing.
There were three very distinct scars running vertically over the eyelid. Two of them were quite shallow and short, just enough to have drawn blood and cause pain, but minimal permanent damage. The third, however, was deep and jagged, starting just under Juno’s brow and ending just about his cheekbone. While the eye itself had been salvaged, it was murky where the scarring and blood vessels had formed over the damaged iris and pupil.
The injury would have been brutal, the pain immense, and for a moment Nureyev was deeply disappointed that the Piranha had been given a quick execution.
Juno’s breathing quickened as Nureyev took his time, his eyes glancing down before he began to turn away, biting the inside of his cheek. Nureyev made a small sound, a gentle tsk as he cupped Juno’s jaw with both hands and turned him back to meet his gaze. The detective was shaking, waiting for Nureyev’s reaction and it was obvious he expected the worst.
And Nureyev wasn’t sure he could blame Juno; if anything Piranha had said about this supposed fiance of Juno’s was true, he had every reason to fear such vulnerability.
Slowly, Nureyev bent to place a gentle, lingering kiss to Juno’s cheekbone, waiting out the bout of shuddering breaths. The moment Juno released a soft sigh, and the tension leaked out of his shoulders, he moved his lips to the corner of his eye. There he waited again, humming happily when Juno almost immediately tilted his head back, and leaned his body closer to Nureyev.
Nureyev dropped a hand to wrap around Juno’s back to hold him firmly, soothingly, and gently brushed a gentle, barely-there kiss to Juno’s scarred eyelid.
“You’re gorgeous, my love,” Nureyev breathed, and he could feel tears pricking behind his eyelids with the ferocity of his emotions for Juno. “What did I do to deserve this?”
Juno made a soft, almost wounded sound before he tipped his head back and surged up onto his toes to capture Nureyev’s lips again. With a happy sigh, Nureyev gathered Juno up into his arms, pressing closer and deeper, wanting to taste and feel Juno as much and as quickly as possible. He was overwhelmed by the way the detective clung and squirmed against him, making soft and desperate sounds against his tongue.
Nureyev pulled back with a groan and dropped his mouth to Juno’s shoulder, exposed as it was with the open panels of his dress, and bit it lightly. Juno gasped, tipping his head back with a shudder, and Nureyev let go to place an open-mouthed kiss against the spot, lapping at it soothingly as Juno let out a sob.
He startled at the metallic tang of blood and pulled back to check on Juno. There were two cuts, each tiny enough to have stopped bleeding already, but Nureyev still cursed himself under his breath for being reckless.
“I’m sorry about that, my love,” he said sheepishly, kissing the spot soothingly again. “These new teeth are quite sharp.”
“Yeah, they are,” Juno sighed dreamily, and when Nureyev properly looked at him, the detective appeared perfectly blissed out. “They’re amazing.”
Nureyev raised an eyebrow at that. “Oh, are they?” he asked with a smirk, and at Juno’s rare, unrestrained grin, Nureyev pressed in for another searching kiss.
- - - - -
They sat in the bathtub for some time, slowly making out while they caught their breath after their impromptu romp. Nureyev was floating above the clouds it seemed, weightless and blissed-out with his lady in his lap and in his arms.
Juno made a small sound in his throat at one particularly languid pass of Nureyev’s tongue and squirmed against him. Heat was building again, and Nureyev was happy to be swept away by it again. He knew there was a reason not to, but he couldn’t be bothered to remember it when Juno shifted to straddle his lap, sitting flush to his front and playing with his tits idly.
“The hell was that?”
Nureyev actually whined when Juno wrenched away from his mouth, and he chased after the kiss. His lips found Juno’s throat instead, which was perfectly fine for him.
“Duke, knock it off, I heard something!” Juno hissed and that caught Nureyev’s attention.
Pulling away, Nureyev and Juno sat quietly for a few moments, listening to the sound of movement in the living room. At a sound that was clearly the clinking of cutlery and crystal, Nureyev cringed.
“That is likely the serving staff,” he said slowly, tipping his head back against the cushioned lip of the tub and closing his eyes. “Delivering our food.”
“Duke… did you close any of the doors coming in here?” Juno asked quietly, drawing the question out and pulling a chuckle from Nureyev.
“I did not,” he confessed. “I foolishly had not planned for us to have… appetizers, so to speak.”
“So they heard at least some of that?”
There was something odd in Juno’s tone, and Nureyev opened his eyes again to meet his gaze, worried that Juno was upset. “It’s entirely likely,” he replied carefully.
Nureyev did not miss the look of intense interest that crossed Juno’s face, and he was a little shocked that the detective would be inclined toward a bit of exhibitionism. Then again, he thought, Juno had been the one to wear fancy lingerie to work under a sweater-dress that barely covered his ass. Excitement pulsed through Nureyev at the thought of Juno wanting to show off a bit, about taking Juno where they might get caught, where they could be heard and possibly seen.
He quickly filed that away, however, taking a deep breath to calm himself before he got too hot again.
“Perhaps we should wash up while we wait for them to leave?” Nureyev suggested, and Juno nodded quickly, smiling openly at the thief.
They took their time wiping each other down, slowly kissing while they did. Nureyev paid special attention to Juno, keeping his touches light and chaste, though their intent for later were quite clear. Juno leaned heavily against him, accepting the pampering with a sigh while he mouthed at Nureyev’s pulse.
When they had finished up, Nureyev cradled Juno’s cheek gently and smiled lightly when their gazes met again. Juno leaned forward with a sigh, and Nureyev happily accepted the slow, sweet kiss, wrapping his detective in his arms loosely. It was utterly perfect, and Nureyev almost cursed when the noises from the living room quieted and they heard the door to the hallway close.
“I think it is safe to get out now, dear,” he murmured against Juno’s lips, gently pushing him away and encouraging him to stand up.
Juno grumbled as he did, unclipping the collar of his harness and peeling it off of himself. Nureyev watched Juno move around the bathroom in all of his naked glory with an appreciative eye as he got out of the tub.
“I have something else for you to wear this evening,” Nureyev said as Juno moved to grab his sweater-dress off the ground, touching his arm lightly and smiling when the detective looked up at him questioningly. “It’s in the closet just inside the room. I’ll meet you at the dinner table.”
Juno blinked up at him, a bit dazed by the gentle commands, and nodded as he returned the smile.
Nureyev watched the detective leave before he turned to the cabinet in the bathroom, where he kept his own outfit for the evening.
It could hardly be called an “outfit,” though.
After seeing Juno in his harness on their first date, Nureyev simply had to get his own, a sleek black and gold number that had straps and the gold detailing all the way down to mid-thigh. The embroidered design decorated his abdomen with a chevron that ended just below his sternum, framing his pelvis along the outside edge of the piercings lining his hips.
Over the harness, Nureyev pulled on a short, sheer black robe which tied shut at the waist with a thick black ribbon. The entire back of the robe was lace and completely see-through, showing off all of the straps of his harness where they hugged his pale skin.
Slipping his glasses back onto his face, Nureyev looked around the room and made a face at the smudges, huffing with some annoyance. He picked his pants up off the floor and dug for the cloth he kept specially for cleaning them, cursing his hoarding tendencies for the first time in his decades-long career. After a few too many moments of struggling, Nureyev made a small sound of triumph when his fingers finally closed around the little scrap of material.
Wiping his glasses clean and putting them back on, he completed the ensemble with a pair of black silk slippers. Then, fixing his braid, Nureyev walked out to the living room to join his lover.
Nureyev was nearly winded at the sight of Juno as he stood by the windows and looked out over Hyperion City in the long, sleeveless robe Nureyev had bought him. The fabric was gauzy and pale pink, sheer enough to see the outline of Juno’s legs through it with the neon of the city shining in on him.
Juno must have heard him and turned around a bit with a warm smile. Nureyev could see a hint of the new harness he procured for Juno through the V of the robe, pink and cream flowers decorating his chest and ending in a pretty collar of flowers at the base of his throat. The robe itself was tied by three delicate ribbons at the thick panel of pink and blue flowery lace just above Juno’s natural waist.
Nureyev wanted nothing more than to untie those little ribbons and devour Juno.
When he finally snapped himself out of his own thoughts, he realized Juno was staring. Their gazes met in the next moment and they both swallowed thickly. Juno’s expression was so beautiful, full of want and love, that Nureyev was ready to forgo every plan he had to leave the next day and stay.
Juno cleared his throat and he glanced away. “The hell do you have such long legs for, Nureyev?” Juno asked, his tone so offended and accusatory that Nureyev couldn’t help the laugh that escaped him.
“And why are yours so thick and enticing?” the thief countered, looking pointedly at where he could see Juno’s gorgeous thighs through the opening of his robe.
Juno merely bit the inside of his cheek, and the smirk he wore was tinged with something distinctly pleased.
Nureyev motioned at the table set with their dinner and asked, “Care to join me, dear?”
Juno smirked and crossed the room. “Thought you’d never ask,” he teased and sat down.
Their dinner was quite lovely, filled with casual chatter, laughter, and more than a few glasses of champagne. Juno looked so happy and relaxed across from him, smiling and laughing openly. Nureyev couldn’t help but watch him dreamily as he animatedly told a story from his childhood.
Juno looked so beautiful in the dim, amber lighting of the living room, and Nureyev’s heart ached with the weight of knowing he could not keep him.
Nureyev remembered the pleading “I love you’s” from the sewers as Juno ended his story, and he placed his glass on the table.
“Juno, I distinctly remember I had asked you to accompany me to a gala,” Nureyev started, drawing it out only in part to enjoy the way Juno pouted. “I had done so with the hope that I would have the honour of dancing with you.”
Juno cringed. “Yeah?”
Nureyev nodded and stood, his gut churning with anxiety about what he was about to do for the first time that evening. Offering his hand to Juno, he asked, “May I have this dance?”
“Here?” Juno asked, biting the inside of his cheek. “Now?”
“There’s music, there’s space, and there’s two of us,” Nureyev replied, smiling winningly down at Juno, even as his stomach roiled. He was only comforted a small amount by Juno’s hungry look at his new teeth. “So why not here? Why not now?”
Juno made a face of mock disapproval, but accepted the offered hand and allowed Nureyev to tug him in close. They were hardly dancing, only holding each other and gently rocking, but for Nureyev it was perfect. When he looked down at the detective, he could see tears in Juno’s eyes, belying once again just how much he loved it. It only took a few slow turns for Juno to melt completely against Nureyev with a sigh, resting his ear against the thief’s chest.
They danced together quietly while Nureyev contemplated how best to bring up what he heard in the sewers. He didn’t want to scare Juno off, but Nureyev couldn’t leave Mars without telling the beautiful detective the depths of his own feelings.
“Juno, I wanted to ask you about something,” Nureyev started tentatively, and frowned when Juno tensed in his arms.
“Mm-hmm?” Juno prompted, and Nureyev really wished he’d started this when he could see the detective’s face.
“Well, it’s more I would like to tell you something, but,” he babbled a bit nervously before he took a deep, calming breath that did nothing to help calm him, and said, “I remember hearing you say something in the sewers before I passed out.”
Juno went rigid and pulled back, though they did not pause in their dance. Nureyev’s stomach twisted when he realized that Juno had that unreadable expression on his face that he’d only seen once before.
When he had told him his name and confessed to working for the people who ruined his life.
“You do?” Juno asked, his voice flat and Nureyev realized too late he had brought it up all wrong and began scrambling internally for the words to defuse the situation.
“Yes,” Nureyev said after taking a deep breath. “I was still lucid enough to hear you, when you said you lo—”
“Shit, I didn’t—” Juno hissed, pulling out of the embrace, and Nureyev let him. Then he growled at himself, “Shit, Steel, there you go ruining things again.”
Nureyev stepped forward and gently grabbed Juno’s hand. “Juno, just let me finish—”
Juno wrenched his hand away and looked around the room. His expression was so intensely sad for just a second that Nureyev felt his own eyes prickle with tears. Then the shutters behind Juno’s gaze slammed down, and when Juno’s eyes met his again, he saw anger.
“I always do this, get too attached, too soon and then—” Juno muttered, mostly to himself before cutting off with a bitter laugh and eye-roll. “That’s why you did this, isn’t it?”
“Well, the short answer is yes, Juno, but—”
“All of this, it’s all just a joke. Or I’m an easy lay until you find the next stupid sap on some other stupid planet who’ll spread their legs for you,” Juno spat, but then his expression changed, filling with something like humiliation. “Or worse, you felt bad.”
“Juno, please—” Nureyev began, reaching for the detective again, frustration building in him when Juno stepped away from him. For how intelligent and logical he knew Juno to be most of the time, Nureyev was genuinely surprised by his commitment to jumping to the worst possible conclusions if the truth meant happiness for him.
“That’s it, isn’t it,” Juno cut him off again, and though he worded it like a question, it was spoken as an accusation with such bitter anger that Nureyev almost flinched. “You feel bad for me because I was stupid enough to fall in lo— fall for you in two weeks like some fucking teenager. About what the Piranha said about my ex. About my eye. All of it.”
Nureyev’s thoughts were swirling as he felt everything falling apart. He loved Juno deeply and fully, and he had desperately needed him to know it, but now their last few hours together were unravelling because he tried to say it. He berated himself for his impulsiveness, for jumping the gun and breaking the fragile truce he’d come to with Juno’s sense of self-worth.
He wanted to drop it and ask Juno to forget he had said anything, but the longer Nureyev said nothing, the surer Juno became in his conviction.
Tears brimmed Juno’s eyes when Nureyev met his gaze again for just a moment before he strengthened his glare.
“Admit it, Nureyev,” Juno demanded, crossing his arms over his middle.
Nureyev reached forward to grab Juno’s hand with both of his and held tight when the detective tried to pull it away again. “Juno, I promise—”
“Just admit it, Nureyev!” Juno all but growled, fighting the grip on his hand.
“You won’t even allow me a word in edgewise, Juno, even for that much!” Nureyev snapped, not quite yelling but close to it, and Juno’s mouth shut with an audible click.
Nureyev softened, pulling Juno closer and cradling his jaw gently in one hand while the other wrapped around his waist. He held tight when Juno made a half-hearted attempt at breaking free, and after a few moments Juno’s breath left him in whoosh.
When the detective relaxed almost completely against him, Nureyev felt hopeful that he could turn this evening around for both of them.
“You are so clever, so good, and absolutely gorgeous, Juno,” Nureyev said fondly. “You are also frustratingly committed to self-sabotage, love.”
Juno pulled a face, and he looked almost embarrassed. “What the—”
“No, I’m talking now, detective,” Nureyev said sternly, and Juno instantly closed his mouth again. “Do you truly believe I would do all of this for you as a… a pity fuck?”
“Wouldn’t be the first time, Nureyev,” Juno snapped. “Had a guy almost marry me, and it turned out he only stuck around as long as he did because he felt bad for me.”
Nureyev felt rage wash over him at that, wanting to know the name and last known location of Juno’s former fiance. Perhaps this was information he could get from Benten or Rita before he left, he thought briefly but dismissed it in favour of focusing on the conversation at hand.
“Juno, I would never do that to you,” he said instead, tone gentle and earnest. “This isn’t a pity fuck, I’m not using you, I’m— if you wanted to leave right now, I wouldn’t stop you. You could walk right out that door, and that would be the end of it. You’ll never hear from me again.”
Juno bit the inside of his cheek and glanced around. For a heart-stopping moment, it looked like Juno would actually pull away and get changed. Nureyev was prepared to stand by his promise, but he felt gutted at the mere thought of having to.
Then Juno sighed and closed his eyes, tilting his head to lean into Nureyev’s palm, and asked so quietly Nureyev almost couldn’t hear him over the music, “What the hell else is this, then?”
Nureyev lifted his other hand to cradle his face in both, lifting Juno’s gaze to his own again. “I’ve done all of this—the room, the clothes, the dinner—as well as given you my name, Juno, because,” Nureyev paused to take a deep breath, “I believe I’ve fallen in love with you as well.”
Juno sucked in a harsh breath through his nose, a tear falling as he quietly asked, “W-what?”
Nureyev wiped the tear away with this thumb with a gentle smile. “I love you, Juno. I thought that much was obvious since our first night, but I suppose you could benefit from hearing it being said.”
“B-but you— that— you barely know me,” he stammered, trying to look away but Nureyev held fast.
“You know even less about me, Juno,” Nureyev pointed out with a raised eyebrow. “Yet you love me?”
“That’s different,” he said stubbornly, and Nureyev’s heart broke.
“How is it different, Juno?” he asked gently. “If you truly believe that, help me to understand it.”
Juno let out a gusty sigh and his eyes teared up even more. Seeing both eyes—one a deep blue and the other murky white—glassy with unshed tears had rage boiling in his gut all over again. He wanted to hurt every single person who taught someone as beautiful, and good, and caring as Juno to feel shame and guilt for being told he was loved.
And suddenly Nureyev understood why Juno couldn’t readily accept his confession; Juno saw himself as inherently unworthy of love and affection while giving himself completely to everyone, hoping they would finally see he had something to offer. That was where it made sense to Juno that he could fall in love with someone he barely knew, but those feelings could not be reciprocated.
“It’s just different,” Juno repeated firmly and with such finality that Nureyev knew he couldn’t push for a proper answer without damaging something between them beyond repair.
So Nureyev stepped closer to Juno instead, their bodies pressed flush together again. “Do you trust me, Juno?” he asked, stroking both of the detective’s cheeks with his thumbs.
“Yes,” Juno said without hesitation.
“Do you trust that I wouldn’t lie about something important?” he asked, and when Juno’s expression twisted, he added, “If we were having any other conversation right now, would you trust I was being honest with all of the important details?”
“Yeah,” Juno answered quietly, almost reluctantly.
“Then allow me to put things into perspective for you,” Nureyev said earnestly, meeting Juno’s gaze and holding it. “You are the first person to have learned my real name with my consent in twenty years.”
Juno took a shaky breath, and though his expression was still sceptical, it was also so soft. Nureyev could see that Juno wanted to believe everything, that he wanted to accept what he was offering, so Nureyev continued.
“Do you think a master thief would have risked courting you the way I had just for fun?” Nureyev asked, and did not wait for Juno to respond before he wrapped an arm around his waist. “I have given you the key to a past I’ve tried to bury, as well as the very thread that could unravel my entire career for the past twenty years.”
Juno looked up at him, his expression unreadable as he lifted a hand to cover Nureyev’s still cradling his cheek.
“Look me in the eye and tell me none of that means anything, Juno,” Nureyev offered, and shivered when Juno closed his eyes and turned his head just enough to press his lips to the middle of his palm. “I wouldn’t give any of that to just anyone, Juno.”
Juno was quiet for what felt like an eternity, his eyes closed and breathing softly against Nureyev’s palm. Eventually, the detective sighed and kissed him gently before turning to meet Nureyev’s gaze.
“You’re about to sign up for one hell of a time trying to convince me, Nureyev,” Juno said lightly, and though it was said as a joke, Nureyev could tell he was also completely serious.
Nureyev smiled broadly and stooped to kiss Juno, sweet and chaste.
“Then I gladly accept that challenge, starting tonight,” Nureyev said against Juno’s lips before kissing his way up his cheek, taking a small detour to press a light kiss just below Juno’s right eye. He finished his journey at the hinge of Juno’s jaw and whispered, “I love you, Juno Steel.”
Juno exhaled sharply and sobbed, angling his mouth up for the searching, needy kiss Nureyev had for him.
“I love you…” Juno whispered when they pulled apart for air, and very quietly, almost reluctantly, he added, “Too. I love you, too.”
The quiet concession, even if it was clear he didn’t quite believe it but was willing to try, made Nureyev’s heart pound and butterflies burst to life in his gut. Just hearing those three words again, this time when he was meant to hear them and he wasn’t knocking on Death’s door, brought tears to Nureyev’s eyes.
It was at that moment when Nureyev realized, or allowed himself to realize, that he hadn’t let himself get close enough to anyone since Mag to be loved. He kept himself unreachable and unknowable for twenty years, leaving Mag as the last person to have said they loved him and meant it.
Several moments of heart-stopping terror followed that revelation, and Nureyev wanted to run from it. He did the calculations instantly; he knew the flight schedule for every ship off of Mars by heart for the next week and a half, and with a good distraction, he could catch one within the hour. His fingers itched for his comms and he instinctively began to slip out of Juno’s arms, pretty words and a prettier lie already on the tip of his tongue.
Juno pulled him in tighter, however, clinging to him as he brought their lips together again, and Nureyev was shaken from his thoughts.
“Shit,” Juno all but sobbed against his lips, laughing wetly as tears fell down his cheeks. “I love you, Nureyev.”
Just like that, Nureyev dumped every contingency plan and escape route he had drawn up. There Juno was, giving him everything he had, and Nureyev was thinking of leaving him with nothing. Master thief though he may be, Nureyev was determined to not become one of the people to steal Juno’s heart. He would make a fair trade for it, give himself to Juno, and share the heartbreak of their parting.
Nureyev recognized the desire to run, to leave and never look back, but he knew that he would never be able to compartmentalize his love for Juno.
At Juno’s shivery whine, Nureyev hauled him up into his arms and groaned when Juno’s legs locked around his waist. With one arm around Juno’s waist, and his other hand holding his thigh, Nureyev stumbled in the direction of the bedroom. Juno’s hands were in his hair, messing his braid up and pulling on the freed strands, and Nureyev couldn’t help the soft, needy sounds he was making. Losing focus and rapidly losing his balance, Nureyev stopped just outside the bedroom, and pinned Juno against the wall next to the double-doors, licking deep into Juno’s mouth while he slid his hand up to grope at his ass.
When Juno turned his face away to catch his breath, Nureyev latched onto his throat, kissing, biting, and licking the length of it, paying extra attention to the underside of his jaw when Juno’s cries grew higher in pitch.
“N’reyev, the bed,” Juno whimpered and Nureyev moaned his agreement into the bruise he had just worried into Juno’s skin.
After a few more stumbling moments and close calls, Nureyev found the bed, which was tall enough that Juno was almost sitting on it already when he let him go. As he stepped back a couple paces, Juno looked up at him with eyes still glassy with unshed tears, but the softest smile Nureyev had ever seen on his face. Juno reached out to hold Nureyev’s hand, as if needing some sort of physical contact and Nureyev could understand.
Stroking the back of Juno’s hand with this thumb, Nureyev asked, “How do you want to spend the rest of our evening, my love?”
With a shiver, Juno shifted onto his knees to undo the belt of Nureyev’s robe and admired the view as it fell open. Nureyev shuddered a bit as the silky material slipped down his arms and pooled around his feet. Juno pressed in for another kiss, wrapping one arm around Nureyev’s shoulders and walking the other down his stomach teasingly.
“Think it’s pretty obvious what I want, Nureyev,” Juno replied cheekily as his fingers reached his lower abdomen.
“Use your words, dear,” Nureyev scolded lightly, grabbing Juno’s wrist gently. “Or you get nothing at all.”
Juno huffed, but it had no heat to it. Nureyev did not doubt that Juno was a bit frustrated—used to being tipped over and tumbled without ceremony as he was—but he also knew Juno thoroughly enjoyed being told what to do.
“Do I have to do this every time?” Juno asked with a pout.
“With me?” Nureyev replied with a chuckle, stooping to kiss Juno’s cheek. “Yes.”
Juno shivered and nodded, chewing the inside of his cheek before he pressed up against Nureyev, both arms around his shoulders as he untied the ribbon holding Nureyev’s braid together.
“I-I want you to fuck me into this mattress until the neighbours complain,” Juno whispered in a bit of a rush, and Nureyev’s breath hitched.
“The sound-proofing in this hotel is almost absolute, dear detective,” Nureyev responded huskily.
Juno laughed lightly before looking up at Nureyev coyly through his lashes. “I’m sure it is,” he said softly and deliberately.
Nureyev groaned and recaptured Juno’s lips, bringing both hands up to cradle the back of his head and keep him there while he kissed the breath from his lungs.
“I’m sure we can work something out,” Nureyev all but growled between kisses and swallowed Juno’s excited laugh.
- - - - -
Nureyev worked to catch his breath, his arm slung around Juno’s waist so he could run his hand up and down his back soothingly. Occasionally, he would sweep his palm further to massage the muscled thigh thrown over his hip.
“Are you okay, love?” Nureyev asked around a yawn when Juno stretched with a bit of a pained sound.
“Yeah, I’m golden,” Juno said softly with a dreamy sigh, nuzzling his forehead against Nureyev’s chest before meeting his gaze with a blissed-out smile. “I’m perfect.”
“I’m glad to hear it, my love,” Nureyev hummed, stealing a chaste kiss from Juno before saying, “We should wash up before bed, though.”
Juno groaned and snuggled in closer, shaking his head with a little hmph. “Don’wanna,” he mumbled petulantly.
Nureyev laughed, just as disinterested in the prospect of getting up, but there were some general hygiene items they needed to take care of. “Come along, love, up we get,” Nureyev said, sitting up and giving Juno’s ass a sharp slap.
“Babe, if you want me out of this bed, you better knock that off,” Juno teased with a sexy sprawl, but the effect was lost when he yawned hugely.
“No offense, dear, but I don’t think either of us have the stamina to make good on any threats like that,” Nureyev laughed, and eventually dragged Juno out of the bed and into the ensuite.
The shower stall was ridiculous in its size, and set in the bathroom so one of it’s walls was just windows. The windows in the shower weren’t quite floor to ceiling, and had a tiled ledge that was about half a foot tall. There was also a safety bar that travelled along the window. The spray of the shower came from a fixture right above them, the water coming down like a perfect, warm rain. It reminded Nureyev of a rain storm he had found himself caught in the one time he had gone to earth, and Juno hummed thoughtfully when he told him as much.
Neither of them was particularly keen on turning on the lights, so they showered by the lights of the city coming through the window. Juno was looking down at Hyperion City, his city, with his hands resting on the safety bar while Nureyev lathered up a plush washcloth and began wiping his body down.
Standing flush behind Juno, Nureyev wrapped an arm around his shoulder and chest, holding him tenderly as he washed his stomach and lower. With a contented hum, he pressed a kiss to the hinge of Juno’s jaw and frowned when the detective sighed a touch too wistful for Nureyev’s comfort.
“What’s on your mind, my love?” he asked before mouthing at Juno’s throat.
“What if you could stay?” Juno asked, his tone flat but curious.
Nureyev hesitated a moment before asking, “Do you want me to answer that?”
“Yeah,” he replied after a thoughtful hum. “The honest one.”
“That would be the only one I would give you, dear detective. You’re too important and too smart for any of the others,” Nureyev sighed, and he couldn’t help the teasingly bitter tone out of his voice.
“Yeah, yeah,” Juno snorted, and Nureyev could hear the eye-roll. “You’re deflecting.”
“We would be happy for a bit, I think— No, I know we would be happy, at first that is. Then I would get bored,” he confessed in a sigh against Juno’s ear, and when he felt Juno tense in his arms, he added quickly, “Not of you, my love. Never of you. But I would go mad sitting still. Doing busywork.”
Juno chuckled, as if laughing at some private joke, but the humour didn’t quite reach it.
“Like a caged fox. Or something,” Juno supplied, and leaned his forehead against the glass.
“Exactly,” Nureyev replied quietly, a sad smile of his own twisting his mouth. “And if you could come with me?”
Though he couldn’t see Juno’s face completely, Nureyev could tell there were tears in his eyes with the way he bit his lower lip.
“I… I would be miserable without Benten and Rita,” he admitted, his voice watery. He lifted his hand to wipe a tear that fell away and Nureyev’s heart broke. “I don’t think I’d be happy without them at all, even in the beginning. I’m sorry—”
Nureyev turned Juno around and kissed him soundly, sighing when Juno opened for him readily. There was no way to measure who would hurt the most when it came time for Nureyev to leave, the one who could stay and would hate it, or the one who could leave but would suffer. But they didn’t have to think about that tonight.
Nureyev just wished they didn’t have to think about it at all.
“Don’t apologize, Juno,” Nureyev whispered when he pulled back to finish washing them up. “I understand.”
A short time later, they slipped back into the bed, still damp and naked from their shower. Nureyev propped himself over Juno, kissing him breathless with lazy and slow motions. With a contented noise, Juno kissed his way to the line of Nureyev’s jaw, lips pausing over the raised line of the new scar there. Nureyev shivered a bit when Juno pressed his fingers against his chest, gently feeling the jagged lines before sliding down to press his whole palm to the burn on his abdomen.
When he didn’t move his hand any further, Nureyev pulled back to look at Juno’s face.
Juno was thoughtful, looking down at the lines of his scars, stroking the burn gently with a furrowed brow. Nureyev reached up to brush his thumb across Juno’s cheekbone, below his blinded eye. The detective almost flinched away as if the touch burned before he settled and leaned into the touch.
“What are you thinking about, love?” Nureyev asked, dropping a soft kiss just below his eye.
Juno shivered under the gentle affection with a little sigh. “Are you going to get your scars reduced?” Juno asked after a bit, scrunching his face up adorably when Nureyev moved his lips to the scar on the bridge of his nose.
“Why would I?” Nureyev asked, pulling back and meeting Juno’s gaze.
The detective shrugged, glancing away and chewing his cheek. “Your whole anonymity thing?” Juno offered in a quiet mumble. There was obviously more to that thought, but Nureyev wouldn’t pry.
“Going under for surgery is risky, so I typically avoid doing so outside of emergencies,” Nureyev replied with a small smile. “I’ll simply cover them as needed if I must.”
Juno hummed at that, nodding and moved his gaze away to look at the jagged lines that criss-crossed his throat.
“Besides,” Nureyev continued, lowering himself to lay his full weight against Juno, his legs straddling his thick thighs. He gave Juno’s eye another soft kiss, and said, “I find scars to be quite… sexy.”
“Of course, you do,” Juno said with a snort.
“I do,” Nureyev replied seriously, figuring Juno didn’t have to know how much he hated the scars at the moment, and coaxed Juno into a searching kiss.
Juno didn’t respond as readily as he had expected, so Nureyev pulled back and met his eyes again. The detective was still pensive and even a bit sceptical, which was far too serious for Nureyev’s liking.
“Juno, darling,” he prompted gently. “What’s wrong? Was it something I said?”
“No, you didn’t say anything wrong, just thinking,” Juno said almost flippantly, but he seemed to realize he was dismissing and deflecting. With a sigh he said, “I don’t… believe you when you say the scars don’t bother you, but that’s not— You didn’t— I get it, if you didn’t like them. They’re ugly—”
“They’re not ugly,” Nureyev interrupted firmly, and Juno glared a bit up at him. “If we’re to have these sorts of talks, dear, we should keep this… negative self-talk to a minimum.”
Juno snorted and rolled his eyes. “Fine,” Juno conceded and took a deep breath. “My ex wanted me to get mine fixed, or reduced, or whatever. He was really pushy about it, and wanted me to get a fake eye, too. Even just a basic glass one. Nothing fancy.”
“But you didn’t,” Nureyev encouraged.
“Well, obviously. I didn’t want to spend Pereyra’s hush money, and I just… didn’t want another surgery,” Juno said quietly. “I didn’t really get that it was such a big deal for him until he— until I ended things. Or, when he left.”
“Do you know why it was such a big issue with him?” Nureyev asked, even as he planned the very painful way he would dispatch the bastard. When Juno raised his eyebrow at him sceptically, it hit him instantly.
Juno had looked like Benten, until he lost his eye.
“It’s the past, and it should stay there,” Juno replied eventually, and hummed when Nureyev drew him into a gentle press of lips.
“I will be honest with you, Juno; I hate my scars, as they are right now,” Nureyev confessed when he pulled away, smiling weakly at Juno’s curious expression. “Perhaps once they’re less fresh, I will find them more tolerable, but I was considering covering them up before meeting with you tonight.”
“Why didn’t you?” Juno asked.
“Because of you, honestly,” Nureyev said, smiling openly at Juno. “I thought of you, and how beautiful I believe you to be, and your scars are part of that.”
“Jeez, Nureyev,” Juno huffed, glancing away bashfully and chewing the inside of his cheek. “You’re laying it on pretty thick.”
“All of it is the truth, my love,” Nureyev sighed with a grin. “I just can’t believe no one else had figured it out as well.”
“Well,” Juno started with a shrug, “I got you out of it, didn’t I?”
“I was avoiding celebrating decades of people being incredibly stupid and cruel to you, dear,” he chastised lightly, pulling a laugh from Juno.
“Go ahead and celebrate. I mean, I am,” Juno said, accepting another kiss with a quiet moan.
“Are you?” Nureyev asked teasingly, their lips still pressed tightly together.
“Little bit,” Juno sighed and Nureyev laughed, deepening the kiss.
Nureyev kept it up until Juno began faltering in returning the kisses, his eyes fluttering shut. The detective would shake himself awake every time his mouth fell slack under Nureyev’s, returning the kisses with renewed fervor and enthusiasm, hands finding their way into his hair to ground himself.
Eventually though, when Juno drifted off, Nureyev pulled away and let him sleep.
Nureyev laid next to Juno for a while, watching the love of his life sleep peacefully, partially lit up by the city beyond the windows. The next day, he knew he would have to leave, but he thanked every entity from every planet orbiting every star that must have answered whatever secret prayer he had whispered.
Juno Steel was such a gift he didn’t deserve, it had to have been divine intervention.
With a sigh and one last chaste kiss to Juno’s cheek, Nureyev lowered his head to his own pillow and quickly drifted off to sleep as well.
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#the penumbra podcast#the penumbra fanfic#junoverse#juno steel#jupeter#gerry writes#full fic#bittersweet
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