#trans eggs deserve guns

[sleepisoverratedanyways]

You are basically blind, covered in hives, allergic to everything, can eat like 3 foods and still decided to go vegan. Your name has changed like 4 times and your gender once. Your parents hate each other but are set out to have a better relationship than anyone else. One parent is in the mafia and made you promise not to say anything to the other. The first thing they did was teach you to jump from a window and water bucket clutch. You killed a man with a gun given to you by the devil.

You are Juanaflippa.

[pinkelotjeart]

you brought this upon yourself buddy

SO

Q!SLIME

AHGIEUWGFIWEUBFIWPUEF

im only gonna talk about q!slimes lore here so if you want to know more about the qsmp world as a whole just tell me and it would be my pleasure to explain it to you all you need to know is that: people were on a train, the train leads them to quesadilla island, shit happens there is an evil organization and they are stuck here

oh also they have kids

basically, all the people on the island got got paired up (one english speaker with one spanish speaker) and got an egg 

this is the egg phil got if you were wondering, his name is chayyane

and this is charlies egg, juanaflippa

charlie got paired up with mariana (mariana is fucking amazing btw i could also talk about him for hours)

now about flippa: shes canonically a trans girl,shes allergic to bees, grass, detergent, and fish and probably more stuff that i forgot, has a gun and shes a very sweet kid she deserves the world now slime and mariana weren't the most healthy couple. Charlie calls Slime “bitch wife” and mariana has been caught flirting with other men but they do both very much care for each other and they also VERY much care for flippa

i should also mention that the egg have two lives. If both lives are lost the egg dies forever

now everything is fine and dandy till flippa has her first death her first death was because of neglect

you see, if an eggs parents don't do tasks with their egg (ex of tasks are: reading a book to them, drawing with them, cooking something for the egg, etc) and, because mariana and slime didn't log that much on the server at first, flippa lost a life both slime and mariana were fucking desrtoyed and logged in regulary after that to make sure flippa didn't lose any more lives

also slime made a deal to the devil, yes the actual devil that is canon to the qsmp, in order to get a gun for flippa. the deal was that he had to kill chayanne (phils egg) and flippa would get the gun and slime did it!!

later when phil when to kill charlie, flippa shot him dead :]

happy times pass until

untill flippa loses her secod life So when the eggs go to bed they have very cute custom made bed skins?textures? idk but they are very cute here's an example of flippa in bed

very cute

so while mariana was watching over flippa while she slept, he did something that  is still remembered by the qsmp fans and gives us and the cc war flashbacks everytime its mentioned he misclicked while having and axe in hand he clicked on flippas bead and broke it and both flippa and the bed disappeared people started freking out everyone thought flippa was dead and one of the most insane qsmp events happened the trial

slime accused mariana of intentionally killing flippa and took mariana to court  (slime also maybe talked about killing all the eggs but thats not important rn) the trial is probably my favorite qsmp stream and even if you don't plan on getting into the qsmp i suggest you watch slims pov of it its genuinely so great

to make a long story short, the trialhappens and flippa gets reserected hurrayyyy

all is well everyone is happy things are great until flippa dies a third time mariana and flippa were exploring a dungeon and they got swarmed by mobs and while trying to kill the mobs around them,  he accidentally killed flippa

so flippa dies. she isnt coming back and slime may have gone a bit crazy he was/is consumed by grief he went into exile and lives thousands of blocks away from everyone. he tried to kill everyones elses egg but failed and even tho he stopped wanted to kill them and now lives them as a uncle, he still gets sad when he sees the parents and their kids together hes kinda stuck in limbo, he tries to get better and make progress and heal, but his grief still holds him back a lot

also maybe he turned into a green egg named gegg and maybe there is a monster that is impersonating flippa but my fingers are screaming in pain rn lmao so thats all ill say for now

if you do want to learn about gegg and codeflippa and maybe bolas please just tell me and i will happily come back to info dump some more :]

You know I absolutely lost it at the part where they gave the egg a gun - wnjdjwndjw I love the insanity of that all gosh. This is kinda as much as I was expecting cus I did know some stuff about the eggs- but I am enjoying the combination of angst and absurdity.

I think Bolas is the thing I’ve seen the most about- or atleast I’ve seen allot of cool fanart without context I’m curious 👀

[codecicle]

IVE HAD HER FOR A LOT MORE HERE'S SOME PROPAGANDA:

she's canonically trans and supported by everyone on the island!! she came out by changing the gender of her name from juanflippo to juanaflippa (and through rendering to herself with feminine words/pronouns when talking to mariana)

SPEAKING OF MARIANA!! her mom is actually bigender!!! he was assigned he/she pronouns by charlie slimecicle and now everyone on the island has accepted that as canon and uses he/she for mariana (this adds to flippas trans swagger I promise)

her name actually comes from el backflippo, otherwise known as charlie slimecicle!! they would backflip together as a family and when they hugged her in the federation heaven room, they did one last family backflippo before she left </3

when she got misgendered exactly one time everybody was quick to correct people, and charlie even said "flippa, my son died right here. but my DAUGHTER?? just hit the SICKEST fucking backflip!!!!!"

she's my daughter and if she doesn't win I will tear my mattress apart with my bear hands

I think she deserves exactly 1 (one) win because not ONLY did she lose the other transswag competition; she has never won anything in her entire life. she consistently eats shit and dies due to her parents not being great at minecraft. she's literally died at least 7 or 8 times by now if you count the codeflippa deaths

speaking of codeflippa, she came back to life!! but wrong. trans allegory or something someone smarter than me can read into it

her favorite and first toy was a gun <3 <3

her best friend was nonbinary!! tilin meant the world to her and they were the best of friends I think tilin would want her to win for the both of them bro TRUST 🙏🙏

charlie loves his daughter SO much he's litterally corrupting into code because an imposter is acting like her and he's so grief-stricken he's willing to believe it

Mariana hasn't logged on for months but he also loves her sososososooo much and they built his house together <3 <3

she's dramatic as fuck and will fall into pieces at the slightest inconvenience

you know the rules. slimecicle adjacent character put some autism in that mf. she's my little weird daughter my hueva that means soo much to me

her favorite food is avocado toast!! she also likes green things because of her papa slime <3

a popular headcanon for her design has her wearing a trans pride cape instead of marianas one punch man cape!! they match each other <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

a popular headcanon for both mariana and slime are protect trans kids pins on their backpacks!! along with little patches and keychains of trans-adjacent merch

CHARLIE LITERALLY WROTE A SONG ABOUT HER ^^

MULTIPLE TIMES‼️‼️

slime and Mariana literally hatefuck each other on the regular and if they never inherited flippa from her dragon mom (she, along with all the eggs, is adopted) we would never have achieved their on stream gay sex to clocks by coldplay

im so mentally ill about her i once made a full 14 slide presentation in the span of an hour about the misclick family to show to my friends during a sideshow vc night. im 100% serious about this it's detailed too pictures graphs text info walls and all

here are the slides about her specifically ^_^

tldr: please. let my daughter win im begging you

ROUND FOUR - SEMIFINALS

Zedaph/Worm-man: nominated from Hermitcraft. Headcanoned to be bigender, transmasc, transfem and multigender (she/he/they/its pronouns)

JuannaFlippa: nominated from Quackity SMP. She is a character played by an admin and not a MCYT, but is canonically transfem and uses she/her

[dameschnee123]

What your favorite RWBY character says about you - redo

Ruby - You just started the show, or you pick a favourite character in the beginning and you stick with it which I applaud you for

Weiss - Maybe a little bit overrated but still a good one

Blake - You take so much shit for this bit you are correct, stick to your guns ! Also, you’re very involved in queer activism

Yang - Let me guess, Luisa from Encanto is also your favourite and you have parents who should be in therapy ?

Jaune - You are choosing the safest option.

Nora - How’s that undiagnosed ADHD treating you ?

Ren - How’s that undiagnosed anxiety treating you ?

Phyrra - You haven’t finished Volume 3 yet… no one tell them

Coco - If you’re not the stylish person in the room, it’s a crisis

Fox - You watched ATLA and he reminds you of Toph

Velvet - It takes a lot to make you snap but whoever managed to do that is boutta die

Yatsu - You meditate to cope with all the bullshit in your life

Sun - You’re literally always late

Neptune - You’re a golden retriever dyed blue in a human body

Sage - Youd rather die than get involved in drama

Scarlet - You’re that “I will cause problems on purpose” meme

Oscar - You’re either really awesome or you’re RWDE, no middle ground

Penny - You’re trans, and neurodivergent

Emerald - Mommy issues are palpable, also stop enabling toxic people in how they’ll reprocicate your affection, you gotta leave bestie

Mercury - Daddy issues are palpable, and same as above

Cinder - Holy shit you have a lot of willpower

Roman - Stealing one piece of candy doesn’t make you a gangster

Neo - You’re some flavor of trans, most likely gender fluid, she’s a shapeshifter, I dont make the rules

Adam - I want your full name, that way I can get a restraining order against you

Salem - Still not over your ex

Tyrian - You like the Joker

James Ironwood - Don’t talk to me

Ozpin - Asking for help won’t kill you, I know, mind blowing concept

Glynda - Your head must hurt from holding on the one brain cell in your friend group

Port - History nerd

Oobleck - Put that Monster down, you’ve had enough

Qrow - You are genuinely trying to grow as a person after a though spot in life, I respect that

Raven - You’re a lesbian who loves MILFs

Summer - Mommy issues, and the above

Tai - Struggling with mental health doesn’t make you a burden, now read that again

Maria - You want to be this cool when you’re retired, chase your dreams

Robyn - Doesn’t need to be like your favourite of anything but if you don’t like her, I don’t trust you

May - Either she cracked your egg or you screamed happily when you saw her, you deserve this

Fiona - You’re basically a pack mule and your backpack is full of shit your friends forgot

Joanna - You like tall, quiet women whose arms you’d feel very safe in

Clover - You were a hall monitor in school

Marrow - You’re mostly a doormat but you have good intentions

Harriet - You were that annoying kid who reminded the teacher to assign homework

Elm - Thick thighs save lives and you want to be immortal

Vine - …who ?

Willow - Listen, you deal with enough shit so Imma leave your poor souls alone

Winter - You’re cool I like you

Whitley - You’re that “Fluffy is in command of my army of darkness” meme

Kali - Projecting your desire to be loved and nurtured onto fictional characters is cheaper than therapy

Ghira - Same as above

Sienna - No way you actually remember her ? Can we be friends ?

[malefiquinn]

My Cyberpunk 2077 review

I finished the game last night and I have Feelings™ about it, so here goes my review. While the heavy spoilers (ending related) will be hidden under Keep Reading, I might mention some minor ones here and there, so read at your own risk.

Let’s get the Big Thing out of the way first: yes, the game is buggy af. The good news is most of them are visual bugs, so while annoying, they don’t really matter gameplay wise. But I did have to reload an earlier save file two times to get rid of gamebreaking bugs, both messing with main story quests. It was frustrating. And nevermind the times my car got destroyed because the game suddenly realized there were two cars occupying the same space. However I did manage to finish the game and make the choices I wanted, so it wasn’t that bad either.

My biggest complain is the blantant transphobia shown in the character creator. I know Claire exists and she’s awesome and I love her, but the cc options are just not inclusive enough. What’s the point of having them if you can’t use them anyway? Linking V’s pronouns to voice types makes absolutely no sense. And not being able to remove breasts from the female body type (or put them in the male body type) rubs me the wrong way as well, though I understand that it would involve a lot more animation work. Lastly, having body type-dependant hair styles is just plain inexcusable when the devs took the time to design genitals that are just not shown past the character creator (unless V walks around naked, I suppose). So, why bother having all these ✨choices✨ when the player can’t get a good, accurate customization anyway?

And it gets worse if we talk about romances. Real people have specific tastes and that’s completely understandable, but real life has a lot more than 4 choices in total. More importantly, bisexual people are a thing? There should have been at least one female and one male bisexual romance options in game. So to make it al worse, the constraint in gay romance options is... awful. Why have 3 types of gender-related customization if you can’t use them if you want to romance someone? I’m a cishet female who plays as a cishet female first if given the option, but I’m still bothered for the queer community (which I’m still part of btw, since I’m in the ace spectrum). It feels like being trans is more of a fetish in Night City than a real trait.

Speaking of romances, I played River’s and I found it... bit of a lackluster. I don’t find him physically attractive (shaved head and no beard are not my thing) but his voice was pretty nice and I liked his personality despite being a cop. But the main downside was the way the game treats his romance. I knew I wasn’t going to get a BioWare-style romance, but V’s relationship with River was like a sidenote and once he’s romanced, there’s just no way to interact with him again. That perhaps is the same for the other romances but there’s no replayability, in a sense that there’s no way to talk to/kiss him again or replay the sex scene, for instance. It bothered me that the game forces V to say that “she’s too busy” and apologize to her boyfriend all the time, because *I* would’ve made time to visit if there was ingame acknowledgement of it. The worst bit is that I feel like River’s romance is the least polished of them all, because Panam and Judy play important roles in main quests and Kerry is pivotal to Johnny’s sidequests, while River is... just there (also more further on, regarding the ending). So the fact that he’s like the forgotten child in the romance section while being the only cishet female option is heartbreaking.

The silverlining is that, at least, the mistreated community was het females instead of gay females. Although, this is just another example of game devs thinking about male players first.

Now the good part: what I liked

The cars. I’m not a car enthusiast, I don’t enjoy driving in real life and I’m a terrible driver in games, but I fucking loved the cars in CP2077. The Caliburn was like my game baby, I had so much fun driving around and hearing the different engines for each car, and the differences in driving... it was awesome. I got and bought *all* the available cars for the sake of it, just because I liked them so much.

The story. I love games that get me invested and this one was definitely one of those. Falling for Jackie when I knew he was not gonna be around for long was an expected, but still perfectly excecuted punch to the gut. And Johnny’s guidance and company was something I was hyped about, but still played out even better than I though it would. So to my next point, Keanu Reeves. I was thrilled to play a game with Keanu in it and it blew my mind. Those reviews that pinpoint Keanu’s acting as the weak link in the game are fucking wrong, how else you expect to see (and hear) an angry, resentful man permanently stuck in time? Even worse, when he knows the people he hated the most managed to kill him? I wasn’t happy when I learned Johnny was not a romance option but after meeting him, I’m glad that’s the case. He’s the perfect antihero-turned-best-friend for V, if you can stand him.

Stealth and hacking. Most of the time I choose the option to play stealthy and this time it wasn’t just that, it was the option to use futuristic technology at the same time. I LOVED it. Quickhacking enemies instead of shooting them is so much fun. Enemy detection is a bit wonky at times but still, I enjoyed it much better than if it had been a plain shooter. And those guns with homing shots are so cool that I wanted to play them over sniper rifles, my usual go tos.

The characters. I got invested in V’s relationships, even if the romantic aspect wasn’t as great as it could’ve been. Friendship with Kerry and Panam, clousure for Judy and Rogue, mourning Jackie, being part of River’s family, so many the fixers in existance... and Johnny, my bff Johnny. Even Alt, with her somewhat little role, was great. I was promised a compelling story and deep characters, and I did get both.

The soundtrack. Overall it’s pretty great, but my favorite songs are those related to Samurai. And it’s not even because of my love for Johnny, I really do enjoy them for their musical content. Unironically my all time favorite is Johnny’s as well, Never Fade Away. I won’t exit a car or open the menu when that song is playing.

The easter eggs. From GlaDOS and Silence of the Lambs in the Delamain quests to the Matix-esque pills of the main storyline, to Hideo Kojima and the BB in a lab, “Harvest like a Reaper” and the many “You’re breathtaking!” references (Kerry’s take was my favorite), the game presents A LOT of pop culture nods and I’m here for it. Having real life content creators around for several levels of cameos was a nice touch as well.

So without mentioning the heavy spoilers (aka ending), in my opinion, Cyberpunk 2077 deserves a 9/10. Bugs are fixable and the story and characters carry the game on it’s own because they’re just too good. The main story is kinda short and I believe Johnny’s sidequests should be part of the main story, but I get why they are not mandatory if you want to roleplay a full on dislike towards the rockerboy. But still, there are some things related to gender and romance that are complete misfires. I hope that some of those will be fixed via patches (the character creator bits), but the lack of more romance options or at least bisexual NPCs obviously won’t be fixed and that’s what keeps CP2077 away from a perfect score in my book.

Now, regarding the endings:

The one thing that truly bothered me was that the Rogue one had no real goodbyes for V. She goes into a suicide mission in space and everyone’s post-credit messages complain she just disappeared without a trace? I get she’s dying and all, but, for fuck’s sake leave a message explaining it if you cared so much about them. The game *makes* you care about the characters but doesn’t give you an option to honor that love at the end.

Also, again, romances. I played both Rogue and Panam’s endings so I know there’s no way to have a happy ending with River, which is bittersweet and probably for the best that it happens with him since his romance seems to be the least engaging, but again that makes me feel cheated. Not that they parted ways in the Nomad ending (that was sad, but sad endings are not bad), but that there is no happy-ish ending romance wise for a cishet female. People who romanced Panam obviously stay together with her and those who romanced Judy do too from what I’ve read (and no idea about Kerry’s romance), but not getting that option if you choose to be female and go for a het romance takes away from the game. Sadly. Also my last interaction with River in Rogue’s ending was fucking terrible, I liked how poetic that ending was for Rogue and Johnny until I got to the rest of my V’s life.

(But I still headcanon that River eventually joined V with the Aldecaldos in my canon ending, aka the Nomads’, despite what he said. Since his post-credit message implies he might visit her and stuff.)

As for the rest of the ending... CP2077 clearly states that life isn’t happy and that there’re no happy endings for people who live in NC, so I like that no ending is completely happy since you are bound to die anyway, but. But. It’s somewhat disheartening that the overall arc can be resumed to “all that you did served for nothing, you’re still dying so your efforts were absolutely useless.” I really don’t see how to improve it without defaulting to a happy, sunshine-esque ending that fixes everything, so I don’t know. It still wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear at the end, so... I liked it but didn’t, at the same time. Ha.

And lastly, I hoped for endgame playability and there is none, you have to revert to an earlier save to keep playing. I get why it wasn’t done, to give a definitive end to V’s story in NC, but anyway. What I really liked about this choice was that no matter the ending, V becomes no one again. They will be forgotten by most people after a while either because they leave with the nomads or because they ‘disappear’, aka die in a blaze of glory in that casino in space. Or well, sell their soul to Arasaka or commit suicide on the rooftop.

So overall, I loved this game and critics are somewhat too harsh. But I agree there are some terrible design choices and a long way of bugfixing to get to the specific masterpiece that we were hoping for.

[pikablob]

Director’s Cut: We Deserve To Thrive

This is a fic I’ve wanted to write in one form or another for a long time - if there’s anyone who actually remembers my old Multiverse fics, you might recognise Wendy’s arc from there. Even in this form, this is the third time I’ve tried to get this written. I’m not sure if it was worth the wait, but I’m definitely happy with how it turned out.

The title for this is, like many of my fics, from a song. Unusually, though, it’s altered. The original is from The Horse Accident by Goodnight, Texas:

Oh Lord, let me die first, I can't be without her I hope I'd never live to see her casket lined with lace She deserves to thrive on this earth a little longer If you need another worker, you can take me in her place

I’m not sure exactly when it got that title, but it was set in stone well before I started this draft.

I’ll admit I’m projecting hard onto Wendy in this fic, specifically with how she feels towards Dipper and how she isn’t sure how to categorise those feelings. Getting them out was genuinely helpful, and is one of the reasons I’m really happy with the fic.

There are “two easter eggs” in this one; the first is Mabel’s sweater “blue with pink and white stripes on the sleeves and a cartoon watermelon stitched into the front” - yes, these are the trans flag colours because that’s how I headcanon her. The sweater design, like Wendy’s squish, dates back to the Multiverse: I now want her to wear it in Oregon. I did actually do an edit for it:

The other is the movie Dipper and Wendy watch, “Old Jeb’s Revenge”. This is actually a Call of Duty reference, specifically to the character “Old Jebediah Brown” from the Zombies mode in the Black Ops games. Jebediah, a blacksmith in the American frontier, built the “Pack-A-Punch” machine that players use to buff guns; this is what Stan sees happening in the one bit of the film he catches. I’ve never actually played CoD Zombies; I added this because Jeb Brown has a kickass theme song that I was listening to while writing:

[ao3feed-bakusquad]

Idiots in Love: The Fanfic

Idiots In Love: The Fanfic by N1SH1SH1

This fic is a series of one-shots featuring the bakusquad's poly relationship. Featuring some of my headcanons for specific characters (deaf!baku, adhd!kami, etc.).

Poly bakusqaud shippers RUN IN HERE AND COME GET Y'ALL JUICE

Words: 10568, Chapters: 10/?, Language: English

Fandoms: 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Categories: Multi

Characters: Bakugou Katsuki, Kirishima Eijirou, Kaminari Denki, Sero Hanta, Ashido Mina, Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead, Yamada Hizashi | Present Mic, Todoroki Shouto, Shinsou Hitoshi, Yaoyorozu Momo, Uraraka Ochako, Hagakure Tooru, Asui Tsuyu, Iida Tenya, Midoriya Izuku

Relationships: Bakugou Katsuki/Kirishima Eijirou/Kaminari Denki/Ashido Mina/Sero Hanta, Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead/Yamada Hizashi | Present Mic, Iida Tenya/Midoriya Izuku/Todoroki Shouto, Asui Tsuyu/Uraraka Ochako

Additional Tags: Polyamory, Deaf Bakugou Katsuki, Kaminari Denki Has ADHD, Song Lyrics, Song fic, the song is isn't it love from the su movie, Pillow & Blanket Forts, Cuddling & Snuggling, Kaminari Denki's Cuddle Puddle (TM) (Patent Pending), netflix, they watch stranger things, but not baku bc he doesn't want to, jk he secretly loves it, Feelings Realization, sero falls in love with his idiots again, Minor season 4 spoilers, just for episode one tho, Reporters, Almost Being Outed, tokuda almost outs them, it's okay tho because he just teases kiri with it, Nail Polish, kami paints everyone's nails, Invasion of Privacy, tokuda's too close for bakugou's comfort, idk if it's worthy of the homophobia tag, but mina says something about ppl not accepting, their relationship so go off i guess, Mentions of Violence, specifically the Kamino ward incident, hi hello welcome to mcdonalds can i get an uhhh, Big Yike (TM), Internal Conflict, bakugou's feeling bad man, Nightmares, specifically about the sludge villain, :(, not gonna add him to the character tags tho he's only mentioned, Hurt/Comfort, comfort is implied but it extends after the fic, Love Confessions, Texting, Aizawa and Mic adopt Bakugou Todoroki and Shinsou fight me, name: dadzawa quirk: supporting his childrens' love lives, Kissing, ;3c, accidental electrocution, kaminari overloads from cuteness, uwu, Gifts, bakugou buys a shit ton of oranges to give sero, monoma's mentioned but he doesn't deserve to be tagged, presentation michael has the best ideas: the oneshot, School Dances, Learning to Dance, mina teaches bakugou how to not be awkward, Jealousy, mina's also jelly of baku and uraraka, Slow Dancing, Cooking, Bakugou Katsuki is a Good Cook, he's teenage japanese gordon ramsay, don't let bakugou catch u eating his batter, not only will u get salmonella from the eggs, he'll beat u to death, Super Smash Bros. Ultimate, not the fandom tag tho, they play smash bros ;3c, dares, mina dares bakugou to eat a sock, Gambling, Illegal Activities, i mean technically??? since it's illegal for minors to gamble???, Mario Kart, ladies and gentlemen i think we have an extra passenger on this ship, props to you if you found it (or looked at the tags that works too), author does not sleep, no beta we die like jared 19 and never learn how to read, Marriage Proposal, Major Character Injury, :)))), Fusion, obligatory quirk wackiness, idk how to tag it but some wacky brain stuff happens?, it's hard being five really talkative people fused into one body, :pensivecowboy:, Trans Male Character, Trans Bakugou Katsuki, Iida Tenya has Autism, and we love and respect him or you get the :gun: :gun: :gun:, Mineta is a Homophobic and Transphobic piece of shit pass it on, Kaminari feels guilty :(, he's not a perv but he is p flirty, supportive bakusquad, also uraraka is a Bitch(TM) but it's kinda justified

Read Here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20977460

[keyboardbaby]

For someone who knows nothing about me they sure have a lot of opinions.

The idea that I’m mentally sound enough to be matter of factly

The notion that I would be very aggressive or talk about sensitive topics in any manner expect to vent my own trauma.

The very concept that I would drag someone down for not looking “Trans” enough when I’m he most non gender conforming trans man I know. I don’t even like that I’m that non conforming it’s just easier than trying to jump through hoops I’m too exhausted for.

And most of all that I want anyone dead. At ALL. The only person I was dead is myself.

When I was 15 I was going a very very tough time in my life. Depression anxiety, realizing that the house hold I was in and the hints that were happening was abuse and not okay. It was scary.

The realization that I didn’t deserve the things happening that the aggressive gaslighting I didn’t see was happening. I didn’t deserve to get beat into a wall or locked in my room with no food. Or forced to stand in a shockingly hot or cold shower fully dressed. And much much much worse thay I didn’t deserve that. It was terrifying. I started to rebel and my depression and anxiety just got worse and I started to become suicidal.

I remember my mom finding out about my depression and suicidal ness and we were standing in the kitchen me asking her for help because I was so broken. She turned and looked at me and handed me the kitchen knife. She said “if you want to die so much why don’t you just kill yourself im not going to stop you” it’s haunted me. Everytime j get to that point her voice fucking eggs me on. My own mother doesn’t want me Alive I’m her mistake I’m her bad luck.

I even went back to her after a couple months completely calm trying to convince myself she didn’t mean it and asked her if she did. She told em she wouldn’t have done anything different and I deserved it. I was floored. I was shocked. My mother twice admired she didn’t care if I died.

I asked her last fucking December if she still ment it and why she kept saying yes. She told me she did what she had to, that I needed to be snapped out of it. That I deserved it. I haven’t been able to recover from that still. She still hasn’t realized how much she hurt me.

Now to hear someone else accuse me of doing something that has day in and day out followed me. To compare me to my mother without even knowing me. I can’t even live with myself. I don’t want to be alive. Now there’s a second voice egging me on. That I’m just like her that she would want me to do it. That I’m so terrible I deserve it and that I’ll never ever be good enough.

And I’m expected to just live with it.

I cant, I cant fight more, I can’t keep fighting.

Dear god if you want me dead I’ll do it all you have to do is say the fucking words I’ll end it because god damn it I’m so fucking tired of fighting. All I do is fight to stay alive against my mother and everyone jsut wants to throw more wrenches in.

Shes loaded the gun, everyone else seems so eager to pull the trigger. And I’m barely alive as it is

[the-voice-of-hell]

Rent is Theft, part 24

Read from the beginning here, read the previous chapter here.  Note:  My MC is a Filipina trans woman and I am not.  If you have notes on that or anything else, hit me up.

                                                      ***

      The air was thick with heat.  Was it my imagination, or was the ceiling softly glowing orange?  I felt like there was a wind coming from somewhere, like what you’d imagine the wind felt like in Mount Doom that was blowing Elijah Wood’s shag around.  I felt it in my ears and it made it hard to hear myself or Leimomi.

      But I persevered, running through any faerie tales I could remember, and making them as baroque with silly details as I could manage.  The little mermaid had a waterlogged beanie baby collection with individual names, Bluebeard’s bride stuck her sisters back together with novelty Hello Kitty duct tape stolen from his sex dungeon.  I couldn’t hear a word of it outside of my thoughts.  Was I making a sound?  Was I even breathing?

      A building ache finally forced me to face biological reality again.  I had to pee.  My skin was on fire, the world was on fire, but it was still an invisible flame - nothing smoking, nothing scorching, no yellow inferno roiling out of my ruined flesh.  It was just a feeling of dangerous, alarming heat, dancing over everything.  Were there actual heat waves coming off my skin?  I couldn’t tell.  Sweat rained over my eyes and I blinked it away, but I forced myself to stand up.

      I felt like a wooden skeleton.  No muscle, just clacking fake bones.  How was I moving?  I reached the bathroom, stumbled through the door and almost fell down.  Instinctively I reached for something to hold onto.  I grabbed a dangling hand towel.

      It immediately slipped out of its perch, causing a weird floppy piece of shiny garbage to double over and splatter to the ground.  It was my improvised *redacted*  How had I not noticed it sitting where I left it, at any point in the last few days?  Where it hit the floor, a spray of green trash slime splurted out of the midsection, onto the tiles and my feet.  It smelled like a dumpster.

      I was just glad I didn’t fall on the floor, either from the incident or from despair, because I knew I would have pissed myself where I lay.  I turned to the toilet and laboriously went through the necessary motions.  In my imagination, the flushing toilet would have blown miraculously cooled pisswater back in my face, granted a moment’s surcease from the invisible flames, but no.  This air wouldn’t take moisture, and that water was probably warm enough to slow boil eggs.

      I walked again, the burning wooden skeleton, clacking away.  In the bathroom door I was arrested by the scene before me.  There were our little beds, like funeral biers - mine empty and Leimomi’s occupied by a limpid melting Ophelia.  The upholstery glistened like the sweat on her body, drenched.  The lighting fixtures held a dull light as if the heat in the air was pure electricity half waking them from the slumber we’d induced.  Was that blackening along the walls, in the areas nearest the ceiling?  The ceiling itself was definitely glowing orange now.

      Leimomi lifted her head - clearly an agonizing thing to do - and tugged a pillow under it so she could more easily look at me.  Drops ran down her face, but were they sweat or tears?  She was too weary to make a facial expression that would tell.  “Courtney,” her voice was minute, distant, rippled the way light is rippled by heat waves.  “Tell another.”

      As I walked back to my bed, black curls of slow-burned posters crumbled in my wake and fell like dry leaves.  I surrendered to gravity carefully, one hand, one more, my hips, rolled over, feeling like dead weight.  “I love you,” I said, not hearing a word of it.  I took up my water bottle again, dribbling what I could past the lips, then told another story.

      Were these thoughts without sounds?  Could she hear them?  Could she hear them with her mind, our bodies burned away from our souls, free to listen without ears?  I didn’t know.

      Once upon a time there was a young gal with a bad family.  Maybe dad died, leaving her in the care of wicked stepmom, or maybe that was her real mom but she liked to pretend it wasn’t, due to the pain that somebody biologically obligated to care for you just doesn’t, a way to not feel like that was her fault - that she was inherently and uniquely horrible.  People called her Cinderella because she was covered in the ashes of rock star posters.

      Stepmom and three stepsisters made her do all the chores and such, but you know, that sort of thing isn’t usually like they say it is in stories.  It’s not like, do these chores or we cut you, you ugly slag.  It’s more like, “Oh I just can’t right now, could you please?  You’re so much better at that,” or malicious compliance where they do the chores so bad it makes the more responsible person stop asking.

      They’d make Cinderella do emotional labor too.  The girls would gab about their drama all day, say “You’re such a good listener,” but never afford a moment of reciprocation.  Stepmom would get home from work and need to take a shit, but had constipation so she’d be in there a long time.  At some point back when Cinderella was eleven, she invited her into the bathroom, so she could pass that time venting about coworkers she hated.  Cinderella was too young to realize this was a flavor of child abuse, putting worries onto someone who doesn’t deserve them, isn’t equipped to understand them - and also making it pretty likely she’d grow up into that “amirite ladies” culture of woe and bitchery, unable to have a conversation of her own about the nice things in life, only ever able to talk about who was a bitch to whom, or who’s getting fat, or whatever.

      And there she was, a young lady, still not out from under the shadow of that porcelain throne.  But somehow she hadn’t absorbed that particular type of damage - she still had the ability to dream, to think of things beautiful and interesting.  It was worn down every time her stepmom spoke, but it still remained.  She had a spark of life.

      One day prom was coming - man I’m like the five hundredth person to turn this into a modern high school thing aren’t I? - and Cinderella really wanted to go.  She just wanted a chance to feel beautiful, to maybe dance with somebody.  There was no dream she would be loved, but just that she could feel something glittering and sweet.  It went without saying then, that she was not going.  Nobody had specifically forbidden it, nobody made any mention of it, but all preparations and discussion revolved around stepsisters and their needs.

      The night of the prom came and those kids were out the door.  Cinderella knew it was coming, but somehow spaced out on it until the last minute, until there was no denying it.  As the door clicked shut, stepmom put up the legs on her recliner and turned up the volume on a commercial for the Kia Summer Sales Event.  Cinderella walked upstairs like a ghost, and fell down crying in the hall.

      The door to the linen closet opened, and a beautiful little figure in taffeta, purple,and rhinestones appeared, hair a beautifully piled coiff of glossy black ringlets, a pencil thin moustache on their lips.  She looked up in amazement, not able to see clearly through the tears, no idea if she could trust what she was seeing.

      “Prince?,” she asked.

      It was indeed Prince, and he was funky.  Perhaps in becoming a ghost he had lost a foot of height.  But why was he appearing to her, and not to Morris Day?  He said, “Yes, Cinderella. This is no dream.  I was sent to make your life beautiful - but only for one shining moment.”

      “Wow.  But aren’t you a total *redacted* hound?  How can you be a fairy godmother?”

      “I might be the crown champion of boy vs. girl ball, but do I look like someone afraid to be called a fairy?”

      “And you did that homophobic song about how a lesbian girl needs to learn to be straight.”

      “Like I told Lisa and Wendy, we don’t talk about the back catalogue, girl.”

      “Is this your punishment for something?”

      “Being a Jehovah’s Witness.  Turns out telling babies not to get crucial healthcare is a bad thing.  But let’s focus on your problems.  What is keeping you from the prom tonight?”

      “My stepmom and stepsisters don’t care about me, just want me to slave away for them forever, never have a time for myself.”

      “I will make them care about you, make them slaves to you, and make this time be only for yourself.”  He pulled out a magic guitar, spraying sparkles across the beige carpet.

      “No!  I don’t want any of that.”

      “But you want to go to prom, right girl?”

      “Yeah.  Yes, please, my lord.”

      “I love the respect, but I am not allowed to be addressed as such, at this stage in my career.  And so again, pray tell, what keeps you from this promenade?  If you would not have me remove your problems, perhaps there are boons that can be offered.”

      “Well, I don’t have a dress, or makeup, or nice hair, or a way to go to the school.”

      “Crucial.  I can work with this.  Come.”  He clapped twice above his head and led her into her bedroom.  While he was unusually small, his magic guitar was full size and dragged on the carpet behind him.

      In Cinderella’s room, under a silver shaft of moonlight, he did a little dance and grabbed his crotch.  It was part of the magic, completely justified.  Her room was basically a walk-in closet, and some of her cleaning stuff was jammed in there as well.  He pointed his finger at a mop with a spray of sparkles.  It transformed into a beautiful silver-white wig.  He spun his finger in the air and it flew onto her head.

      “Wow,” said Cinderella.

      He picked up the guitar, did a spin, then played a cool riff.  Her ratty sweats changed into a fuchsia ball gown with neon purple lace and a bodice covered in purple rhinestones.  “It’s so beautiful,” she cried.

      “You know it,” he said.  “Now let’s sort out this situation.”  He pointed the guitar’s head at her face like a gun and played a wild guitar solo.  She could feel the ashes sliding around her skin, changing shape.  Looking at a dingy mirror, she saw the carbon condense into eyeliner, eyeshadow, and glittering lipstick, leaving her skin clean and clear.

      “I’m gonna cry again, I’m sorry,” she said, hand on her heart.

      “Don’t ruin that makeup, girl.  There is one item left to attend to.  Thy conveyance.  Approach me.”  He turned his back to her and with a wave of his hand the window opened.

      She came near to the little man, not knowing what to expect.  As she drew near, he seemed to increase in size - no, the whole world was increasing in size, or she was shrinking!  He scooched forward on his guitar, leaving room for her to straddle it in the back, and then it started to fly.  She grabbed his little waist and they flew off into the night sky.

      Smoke then, curling around my body like tendrils from incense, rising to pool and eddy at the ceiling.  It intensified, white and opaque at the corners of my vision, but inverted to darkness as it reached the glowing orange expanse - a negative print of the ocean, the opposite of water.

      Prince flew her to school and daintily alit to the gymnasium roof.  “I’ll wait for you under the north bleachers of the baseball field.  If you aren’t there at midnight, I cannot help you get home.”

      “Thank you so much, Prince!  I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

      “All I really need is to know that U believe.”  He pointed at the sky and took a tiny bow.

      Cinderella found a hatch to get down from the roof.  There was a ladder to a catwalk high above the gym floor, and she could see the prom below.  A few people bustled to do the last minute preparations, but there was only one dim light on.

      She wandered around looking for a way down and found nothing.  What good was it to be at prom if you could only watch it from afar?  But at last she found a rope to climb down on - one of the ropes they’d use in PR class, with knots at regular intervals.  She tossed it down and started climbing.

      When she got to the bottom, she realized she was in the middle of the dance floor.  As party lights came on and the rest of the students came in, she was the center of attention.  “Who is she?”  “How did she get in here?”  They were impressed.

      She humbly demurred and headed to the punch bowls.  A chaperone was glaring at her and not noticing somebody else spiking the punch.  It was going to be one of those nights.  The DJ led off with “Fight for Your Right to Party,” which was ironic because fighting for your right to party is expressly against policy at school events.

      Phew, I thought.  Are we alive or dead?  Will this ever end?  I can’t stand it.  Christ.

      A kinda short dapper gentleman approached Cinderella and said, “Hey babe, I haven’t seen you around the school before.  Wanna cut a rug?”

      “There’s no rug, but I’ll dance.”

      “Let’s buff this basketball court wax to a high shine.”

      They danced and chatted softly between songs, and enjoyed each other’s company.  Occasionally people would congratulate the dapper gentleman on his fortune in monopolizing the attention of a radiant queen.  People would smile at them and ask questions, take pics of her dress on their cellphones.

      Her own stepsisters didn’t recognize her.  It was a magical and glittering moment.  But best of all, she was really starting to feel like a woman, like a person who could be sought after by a dashing suitor.  It was the dapper gentleman that was making her feel like that, with his smooth ways.  Maybe he felt the need to stay with her because he was insecure about his height, or maybe she was just that appealing to him, but he was gently affectionate and suave and cool, and he knew how to dance.

      I could see myself limned in blue and yellow flames like a gas stove burner.  The world above the orange glow of a furnace, the walls around cracking and blistering, the world below a whorl of charcoal and soot.  In between the flesh cooked with no end.

      Proms crown people, right?  That’s why people make Cinderella into a prom story on Nickelodeon or whatever, so they can get the prince in there.  So ceremony begins and they crown dapper gentleman and mystery girl!  They say come to the stage, so we can crown thee at the stroke of midnight.

      That reminds her that she’s about to lose her magic, miss her ride.  But will it be worth it?  No, if she was left in dingy sweats and a mop wig on stage, she’d never live it down.  This was supposed to be a glittering and magical moment, but now it would end in tragedy.

      She couldn’t resist, she kissed him one time, then said, “I’m sorry,” and bolted for the door.  People were too surprised to react fast, and she lost any pursuers on her way to the baseball field.  Would Prince be there?  Midnight was so close.

      At the stroke of midnight she was halfway to the field, when she saw him rise into the night sky, momentarily silhouetted by the moon - Prince, straddling a magic guitar.  And just like that, the mop head fell into her hands, the ashes spread over her skin, the dress became dirty sweats.

      A whirlwind of ashen scraps blew past my face and I choked on the burning trash.

      There’s more, there’s more.  I swear.  I can do it for you, Leimomi.  I can do it for what’s left of you.  She, um, she went home on foot, right?  Fuck, glass slippers.  There’s supposed to be slippers.  I forgot them.

      I know, facial recognition technology.  Yeah.  So dapper Deandre is going through the school after that, using the facial recognition software on his phone, comparing all the girls with the mystery lady on his phone.  The stepsisters are all like, me, me, but...  No, that doesn’t even make sense.

      She’s going to get found, like, maybe she’s the equivalent of a TA but for the janitor instead.  A JA, that’s our Cinderella, and he takes a pic of her face almost by accident and it matches and he’s like, baby it’s me.

      She can’t see that, doesn’t want to be known the way she is now, which the janitor thinks is lame because you shouldn’t be ashamed of your class, you know?  Patrick’s a janitor.  Ugh, where was I?  She like, um...

      Bursts of sparks and chunks of molten rock fell in random splashes around us.  If any of that touched our boiling meat, it would bore a hole straight through like industrial acid.  No escape was possible, only luck of the draw.  Who would survive and what would be left of them?, like the movie said.

      Cinderella!  Dapper Deandre prom king finds her and says, “It’s OK, sometimes your clothes and your hair and stuff are gonna suck, but you’re beautiful and cute and I will never forget our night together.  If you don’t wanna be with me, that’s cool, but I just hope, I dunno...”  And she kisses him   It’s romantic because she looks gross but he’s like.  Fuck.

      The world was coming apart into orbs of light raining into an abyss.  Nothing remained between what had once been the floor and ceiling, and no one.  There was only a heat too intense to even bother with becoming fire.  It had become another state of matter, or nothing at all.

      At last the light was consumed with black.

                                                        ***

  Read next chapter here.