#totty : yeah that's about what i expected to happen

[flowerakatsuka]

WAIT, i ran kara's winter camp description through a translator and it specifies that the coffee is hazelnut cream flavored. i'll end up dead if i drink that. 😭

[chorodevotee]

The Matsu's preferred weapons (Medieval AU)

There's a Hesokuri Wars set about this exact topic. I wanted to share my thoughts on it!

Osomatsu

Osomatsu is the one you'd expect to have a normal sword by default. I mean, why wouldn't he? He doesn't come across as the kind of person who'd be too strategic or picky about his weapon of choice. As long as he gets to do stuff, he'll roll with whatever!

So... the staff gave him a lance. And, you know what? There's really nothing wrong with that. It's different from the usual "Osomatsu gets the basic option" trope that HW had going on. It looks cool and it makes sense that he would use a weapon like that, but... Come on.

Osomatsu is a simple man. I think a standard sword is perfect for him. He can even have a shield, too. As a treat.

Besides, I have my reasons (it's only one) to give the lance to someone else.

Karamatsu

As for Karamatsu… Yeah, the long sword is perfect for him. Completely agreed with the (kinda? Is HW canon?) canon choice. Of course he'd use something big and eye-catching. Maybe he'd even try to customize the damn thing. Make it sparkly or have his name inscribed into the sword's metal.

Alternatively, I think double swords would also be a great choice for him. He'd get to do some sick poses with his swords while he fights. Surely he'd use some convoluted fighting style that looks like a dance; exaggerated, but deadly... Or, at least, he thinks it looks like that.

Also: Two swords, he's the second son… Yeah. It checks out.

Choromatsu

Remember the lance? Yes, the one I mentioned like 10 seconds ago. I just happened to have the perfect excuse to hand the thing to Choromatsu.

You see, the name "Choromatsu" comes from the japanese onomatopoeia "choro-choro." It apparently means "the way children and small things move around quickly". Can you already see where I'm going with this?

I can just picture this 5'3 king, ramming into battle with a pointy, sharp lance. I'm pretty sure running away from his problems is Choromatsu's favorite thing to do, so he'll have no problem using this weapon since it involves a lot of running!

I can also see him using a bow, which is as much, if not more, of a classic weapon than the lance itself. But let's face it, Choromatsu with a lance is way cooler (and it's unique and meaningful, too).

Ichimatsu

A crossbow is an interesting choice for a person like Ichimatsu, who is often portrayed as someone of very low energy. I like it, yes… But consider, whatever the hell is this:

Ichimatsu can be lazy sometimes… But not when it comes to violence, I think. Is this anything? I'm pretty sure he'd enjoy the absolute carnage that comes with using a weapon like this.

Jyushimatsu (no way, there's no yellow?! I'm sorry, Jyushi!)

The HW staff gave this man an axe. A giant one at that. He is an absolute unit and I can totally respect that, I love me a good axe representation, but… It seems a bit out of character to me. Am I the only one?

Jyushi can be violent, yes… But an axe? That feels excessive. Also, I just don't understand how the staff missed the opportunity to give him something like this:

Look at it. Now, look me in the eyes and tell me it doesn't resemble a baseball bat even JUST a little bit.

This was the obvious choice for him, so why did they not give him a [whatever the hell this thing is called]?

Perhaps it was too gruesome? I mean, it can't possibly be more gruesome than an axe, right? Also, this would have made for a excellent visual gag. It would have been perfect! Oh, how it hurts to have such big brain that only has objectively correct ideas!

Todomatsu

Finally… Totty. Oh, Totty. What a sneaky little rat you are.

I'll admit that a shield with spikes is an amazing choice for him. The thing is heart-shaped! Very cute. Very cute, Totty… While the combo of a sword and a shield is an absolute classic and doesn't look bad on him at all, I must say…

Let's give this man a dagger and see what happens.

"Ah! Oh, no, I've fallen!" Todomatsu whines, curled up on the ground of the battlefield. With fat tears in his eyes, he tries to shield his body with his arms. "And I don't have a weapon, oh! Whatever shall I do!"

And then, when somebody approaches… BOOM. 37 STAB WOUNDS IN FIVE SECONDS. YOU'RE DONE, BABE.

He'd be an absolute menace with a dagger. Maybe the staff knew this. Maybe it IS for the best that he doesn't have a dagger.

[whumpmatsus]

Heyo! 👋 hope you're doing well! If you are taking requests right now, maybe some Ichi hurt/comfort? Like maybe he's having a depressive episode one day (me? Projecting? It's more likely than you think 😂) unlike any he's ever had before, and he just doesn't have the strength to do anything, even make snippy remarks at any of his brothers. One (or all, you can pick!) of them notices this odd behavior, and makes it their mission to help him feel a little more like his old self, even if that just means "riding out the storm" with him.

Oof this was really long, lol sorry 😂 but thanks for taking the time to read, I love your writing style! Take care! 👋

eyyy don't be sorry! God I REALLY enjoyed writing this... I love how it turned out

sometimes these guys can be jerks, for sure, even when one of their own is in pain

but... when it's serious... THIS BEAUTIFUL SHIT HAPPENS

please enjoy Ichi being spoiled and surrounded by love from all his brothers because HE DESERVES IT and I love how this turned out <3

-

Ichimatsu’s first (and maybe only) mistake is that he assumes his brothers don’t pay that much attention to him one way or the other unless he speaks up.

Or, maybe it’s that he often hopes they don’t.

Because he knows they care; there are little things they all do that remind him that no matter what, they love him. But they all have their own things to do, and most of the time he finds that best. They should be able to do whatever they like instead of wasting their lives making him feel better. He has a bad day or hates himself so much of the time, if they paid him attention whenever he wasn’t doing well, they’d never get to enjoy themselves with other things.

He cares about them, too. So usually he’d rather they occupy themselves with their own interests whenever he’s not feeling well. He can bury things deep inside and pretend those shitty feelings don’t exist and act almost normal. As normal as someone like him can act, anyway. For their sake. They don’t deserve to worry about him.

Today, he’s too tired for whatever reason. His scathing barbs and negative attitude on most days aren’t really fake… on the bad days, though, he can force his typical demeanor so nobody suspects he’s not fine. All they see is sour-faced, ill-tempered fourth brother Ichimatsu.

He can’t even do that much right now. It’s as if the weight of existence and his own mind is pulling him down, further and further, until he’s drowning in his thoughts. Horrible thoughts. Things telling him he’s worthless, a failure, a burden, good for nothing, should probably be dead… too many things to keep track of.

If he were trying not to get his brothers’ attention by being quiet and listless, it isn’t working. In fact, his current behavior has actually done the opposite.

While he’s lying in the corner of the room, curled around himself and wishing he could fall asleep to avoid dealing with these thoughts and feelings, the others are around their table muttering among themselves.

“You guys noticed he barely touched breakfast, right?” Osomatsu is the first to speak up, and he’s doing his best not to look at Ichimatsu too much, simply because he doesn’t want his younger brother to feel everyone’s eyes on him. He’s pretty sure that would just make matters worse.

Choromatsu hums in agreement. “Yeah, no, he just kind of stared into his tea… he might have taken a sip or two, but that’s about it. I don’t think he even ate any rice.”

“Did he even brush his teeth this morning?” Totty speaks up. “Or his hair? It looks messier than usual, and I was the last one in the bathroom before breakfast, and it didn’t look like his toothbrush had been used.”

“Also,” Karamatsu chimes in, “I believe that is the same outfit he wore yesterday. He didn’t sleep in it, but he put it back on when he got up even though it hasn’t been washed.”

Choromatsu frowns and steals a quick glance at the fourth eldest. “Like he… didn’t wanna think about picking something different out, huh? And… it’s kind of worrying that he didn’t brush his teeth or hair. I mean, that’s basic hygiene. It’s like he’s depressed or… some… thing…”

Suddenly a light bulb goes off, and the rest of the brothers exchange a concerned look with each other.

“Oh,” is all Osomatsu says for a moment. Then, “Fuck.”

Before anyone else can breathe a word, Jyushimatsu leans back away from the table and collapses with his head in Ichimatsu’s lap. “Aaaah, Ichimatsu-nii-chan! Baseball practice today? We can do it at the beach!”

Ichimatsu hardly flinches at the abrupt contact, but really it’s because he doesn’t even have the strength to be startled. He doesn’t move to push Jyushimatsu off or bounce his leg to dissuade the him from staying or anything. It’s a moment until he actually says anything, like a delayed reaction from a computer. “Uh. Not today, Jyushi. I’m probably gonna take a nap.”

“Hmmmmmmm… oh, I know! I’ll nap with you! Maybe we’ll dream about baseball!”

All the others watch closely, waiting to see if he gives an average Ichimatsu reaction. Instead, he doesn’t even shrug. “Yeah, if you want.”

Obviously, that’s not what they would be expecting from any other day. They all look at each other again, minus Jyushimatsu who just curls up against his big brother’s side.

Ichimatsu, on the other hand, is so out of it in his own head that he doesn’t realize that he’s done anything to worry his brothers. They should all be paying attention to their own shit, right?

He just feels so exhausted despite that he knows he slept okay last night. All he did this morning was wake up and get out of bed and already he’s… drained.

You’re so lazy. You can’t even put together the energy it takes to read a fucking magazine or something? To do nothing like you usually do? What kind of loser doesn’t have enough energy to do something like watch TV?

What the hell is wrong with you?

He cringes at the sound of his own inner voice berating him, and ducks his head down between his knees. Shit. Everything hurts. Isn’t that right, though? He’s useless. It doesn’t take any effort to just sit somewhere watching TV or reading and yet he’s not even willing to do something like that.

Even though he expects that Jyushimatsu might want to hang out with him, because the two of them are close, he doesn’t anticipate it when Osomatsu comes over and sits himself down across from Ichimatsu. At least, he thinks it’s Osomatsu. He doesn’t really feel like lifting his head fully; it looks like a red hoodie, though.

“Uh, hey, Ichimacchan.” Osomatsu feels a little awkward at first, mainly due to the fact that he’s never sure what to do when Ichimatsu is in one of ‘these’ moods. What works on one day might not work the next time. Previous experience is all he has to draw on, though.

“I noticed you didn’t eat too much at breakfast… you in the mood for something sweet?” Tempting him with one of their favorite treats might put him in better spirits, at least for a minute. “There’s a box of imagawayaki on the counter… there’s three in there, so we can split ‘em. Mom said these ones have chocolate cream in them.”

Everyone else lets out a blissful sigh as they all think about how delicious that’s going to be. Bean paste or custard or even regular cream is always good, but chocolate cream? If they had to fight over those, someone might end up dead.

Ichimatsu offers a shrug in his brother’s direction. “Sure, if you guys want. I’m just not that hungry.”

Osomatsu frowns, and looks over toward Choromatsu who’s thankfully recovered from the imagawayaki imagine spot. None of the brothers would ever turn that down. Even if they weren’t necessarily hungry, they’d make room for something that good. Moreover, given that Ichimatsu didn’t eat anything at breakfast, he should be starving,especially for sweets.

Choromatsu makes his way over, setting a careful hand on Ichimatsu’s shoulder. He doesn’t have any more of a clue what to do than their eldest, so he’s flying by the seat of his pants just as much. Something has to be done… they can’t just let poor Ichimatsu suffer. “Ichimacchan? It’s pretty cold today. How about I turn on the kotatsu, and if you’re gonna nap, you can sleep with your legs under it? That might feel nice.”

Well. That does sound nice, Ichimatsu thinks, because curling up under the heat of the kotatsu is always nice in the winter. But… he’s pretty sure he doesn’t have the energy to even move from this spot. “Oh, yeah… I’ll probably just nap here, though. Don’t really feel like moving.”

“Aaah, but you are cold, aren’t you? I can hear your teeth chattering from all the way over here!” Karamatsu is up in an instant, tugging his leather jacket off his shoulders. Although it leaves him in nothing but a tank top ― and a horribly plain grey one, at that ― it’s a necessary sacrifice for his little brother’s comfort.

He hurries over to where everyone else is gathering and gently drapes the jacket over Ichimatsu’s shoulders. “Hmph… Karamatsu to the rescue as usual! You’re looking cozier already.”

Man,Ichimatsu’s mind comes up with, I try on Shittymatsu’s dumbass jacket one time and suddenly he’s coming up with any excuse to put the stupid thing over me. Do I really want him freezing instead of me? Why don’t I just move my ass over to the kotatsu? He’s gonna catch a cold and it’ll be all my fault because my stubborn ass didn’t move and he took pity on me.

God, I wanna die. They’re all falling all over themselves to do shit to cheer me up when they should be focusing on themselves. I’m fucking trash, making my brothers waste all their damn time on me. Why couldn’t I just do stuff and not make them worry?

“… Ichimatsu-nii-san?” Totty has plopped himself down in front of Ichimatsu, staring in concern at his big brother. Fuck. He’s using that eye voodoo of his, and if he says anything, if he asks Ichimatsu a question, he’s gonna get an honest answer despite the fact that Ichimatsu doesn’t want to admit anything.

He can’t help it, though. Totty’s hand is soft as he reaches up toward Ichimatsu’s face, thumbing away tears that Ichimatsu didn’t even realize he’d started to cry. But his youngest brother is delicate in the way he brushes them, so caring and tender that any little bit of strength Ichimatsu had to keep things hidden away crumbles quickly.

“Hehe,” Totty chuckles, though there isn’t a genuine mirth behind it, “you’re not having a good day, Ichimatsu-nii-san… are you?”

He blinks, and more tears start to drip down his cheeks. This time Totty doesn’t make a move to wipe them away, instead staring at his brother with those big, sad doe eyes, glittering with sympathy.

Ichimatsu lets his head drop again, eyes pressing against his arm and tears soaking into his sleeve. “N-no,” he manages to say in a quiet, insecure, small voice. He hates it. He hates making this stupid confession, because he should be able to take care of himself. His brothers don’t need to be huddled around him, pissing their days down the drain. “I’m… I’m having a bad day.”

With that, it’s like all five of them attach themselves to him all at once. There’s a brief cacophony of worry and reassurances, and a hug Ichimatsu almost loses himself inside of.

“Alright, you hear that, guys?” Osomatsu announces, maybe a bit louder than he really needs to. “Ichimatsu’s having a bad day! Woohoo!”

Choromatsu scoffs. “Ah, ‘woohoo’?? Osomatsu, you idiot! This isn’t a good thing!”

Osomatsu pulls away to rub a finger under his nose with a grin. “Hey, sure it is! He said it, didn’t he? Good for you, Ichimacchan! You’re having a bad day and you said so! Remember what happened when Totty kept junk from us? We need to know this shit! I’m glad you said something!”

Karamatsu��s hand tousles Ichimatsu’s hair as he pulls his brother into a hug. “Yes, Osomatsu is right. You’re having a bad day, Ichimatsu, and that’s just fine. It takes a lot of bravery to admit it, so we’re proud of you.”

“Plus, we’re gonna make this the best bad day ever!” Totty hums. He’s whipped his phone out before anyone can so much as blink, typing away on it. “It’s just about lunch time, so I’m gonna order some takeout! Ichimatsu-nii-san, what sounds good? Curry? Sushi? Ooh… maybe fried chicken? We don’t do that too often… might be a nice treat! Oh, it’s your call, though.”

Osomatsu gives Ichimatsu a tiny bump on the shoulder with his fist. “You and Totty figure that out while I go cut that imagawayaki for us. Be right back, guys.”

… Am I in the fucking Twilight Zone or something? What the hell???

Ichimatsu lifts his head just a little, looking at all his brothers. Totty’s on his phone looking at delivery options, Osomatsu is headed to the kitchen, Jyushimatsu is nuzzled against his side…

None of them are leaving him by himself. They all still want to be here even when his mood sucks ass. Even when he can’t really do anything for himself. Even when he’s being a huge fucking pain and a thorn in their sides and doing literally nothing to contribute to the day.

What the hell are they all doing? Why are they all fine with wasting their day taking care of him?

When Karamatsu presses a couple of tissues into his hand, Ichimatsu somehow finds the energy to use them to wipe his face. Fuck, he hates crying, and he hates people seeing him cry. “Don’t do this,” he mumbles. “You’re fucking morons. You have better shit to do than…”

“No way!” Jyushimatsu aggressively snuggles against the side of Ichimatsu’s stomach, circling his arms around his brother’s waist. “What better shit could weeeee have to do? We’re shitty NEETs!”

Choromatsu chuckles. “Besides, there’s literally nothing more important than taking care of each other, especially when one of us is down and out. Ichimatsu, you… know none of us are shy when it comes to being honest. So, just… try to believe us when we say there’s nothing we’d rather be doing than being with you right now.”

He straightens up, then gingerly taps Jyushimatsu with his foot. “Hey, Jyushi, how about you scoot yourself and Ichimatsu over to the kotatsu? And Totty, are you really gonna make a delivery driver come out in this weather? It’s almost below freezing! Why don’t you go get it yourself?”

“Excuse you, but if they haven’t shut down the delivery option, why shouldn’t I take advantage of it? I don’t wanna leave Ichimatsu-nii-san!”

“Okay, okay… I guess that’s fair. What are you ordering, again?”

“Aaaah, I dunno! I was waiting for Ichimatsu-nii-san to say what he feels like.”

Meanwhile, Jyushimatsu has somehow gotten himself and Ichimatsu over to the kotatsu, and is currently shoving his big brother’s legs under it while Choromatsu moves to plug it in. “Home run, YEAH! Your tootsies will be toasty in no time, Ichimatsu-nii-san!”

“O-oh… thanks, Jyushi…” That’s about all he can say, really. He’s slumped over the table in a matter of seconds, and although there’s no way it can support the weight of everything he feels like he’s being crushed under, feels a little more relaxing than holding himself in a tight ball in the corner.

He’s going to cry again. He’s pretty sure he’s going to cry again. His brothers, his selfish, douche-a-holic, demon brothers… would rather be taking care of him on a bad day than out doing their own things, not touching him or his shitty mood with a ten-foot pole.

Jyushimatsu is cuddled up on one side, and he can feel Karamatsu settling in on the other with an arm around Ichimatsu’s shoulders. That’s it. He’s surrounded by brothers and their warm, selfless-for-once-in-their-lives affection. He has to surrender. He doesn’t stand a chance.

His mind drifts back to the others. “Oh… Totty…”

“Oh! Yeah, mhm?”

“Um… curry sounds good, I guess.”

The impossibly huge smile on his youngest brother’s face comes through even when he speaks. “Oh, great! Curry it is! Okaaaay, I’m gonna get it from that nice place in town. You want it with rice or udon? Or do you want curry bread?”

“Uhh… just with rice.”

“Rice, okay, sounds good! Beef, chicken, or pork?”

“Huh… you mentioned fried chicken, now that sounds good. Does that place do curry rice with tonkatsu on top?”

“Oooh… that does sound good. Yeah, I think there’s an option for that. Chicken tonkatsu with curry rice, then?”

“Yeah.”

“Gotcha. Is that what everybody wants?”

“Yeah, Totty,” Choromatsu injects, “just order the same thing for everybody. We’ll all eat that.”

“Okay, what about sides? Does anyone want fukujinzuke or rakkyō?”

“Geez, just… just get half of each and we can divide it up if anyone wants any.”

“Okaaay! I’m not ordering drinks from there, though… too expensive. We have tea here. Oh, I’ll get a few orders of pork curry bread, too, in case we want a snack later.”

“Well, make sure you get either three or six.”

“Yeahhhh, Cherrymatsu, I’m not stupid! I’ll just get three; I’m fine buying some, but I’m not trying to go broke! Does that sound okay, Ichimatsu-nii-san? The curry bread for later?”

It takes a moment, but finally Ichimatsu lets out a breathy, almost tearful laugh as he leans against Karamatsu’s shoulder. “Totty… you’re trying to fatten me up… you witch… you’re gonna cook me and eat me… that’s your plan, huh?…”

The whole room erupts into a small fit of laughter, even Totty who’s blushing at being teased. Ichimatsu feels Karamatsu press a kiss to his head, and he sighs. Usually he wouldn’t be able to take all of this… the attention, and Totty blabbering away, and Choromatsu trying to be responsible, and… everything.

At the moment, it feels right. Like things are supposed to be this way. Like he’s supposed to be having a bad day so his brothers can all gather around him and remind him that regardless of anything else, when one of them needs their brothers, everyone is going to be there.

Maybe he needed that reminder.

Maybe they all did.

[ash-imagines]

Do you have any headcanons for Choromatsu x reader? I feel like the frog boy doesn't get enough love, and after re-watching a lot of episodes with him as the center of attention, I feel like he needs a hug or 2

Choro could definitely use a bit more support. :(

Poor Choro takes the brunt of a lot of the expectations people have for him and his brothers because he’s “the responsible one”, and he’s not even the oldest or anything like that. Even his own mom sees him that way, and it’s like he’s become the de facto representative for all of the sextuplets. Not that he doesn’t want to be seen as responsible, it’s just that it’s a lot of pressure to be “the responsible one” because the expectations for him are so much higher. And, really, is he actually any better than any of his brothers? Totty is the only one to have had an actual job for any length of time that’s really mattered. It just sort of seems like a losing battle.

So he does what many burned out “gifted kids” do and goes to the bookstore to buy a bunch of manga to read so he can forget about reality for a little while (most of it is erotica, let’s be real). And he’s so preoccupied trying to hide the fact that he’s buying a fuckton of erotica that the two of you bump into each other. Books go flying, Choro is absolutely mortified, and when he sees how attractive you are he thinks his life is about to end right there. You’re already helping him pick up the books he dropped and you’re definitely gonna see what a pervert he is and judge him and-

“Oh, I’ve read this one!” you interrupt his spiraling thoughts and your own apologies to exclaim, “I didn’t get farther than the first volume though. Hana and Aika have good chemistry, but I feel like a lot of the tension is forced. I mean, what’s stopping one of them from just confessing already? The bath scene was pretty cute, though. Honestly I’d just read this one online if I were you, it’s not really worth the money.”

Oh yeah. Obviously you two wouldn’t have bumped into each other if you weren’t both in the porn section. Still, he’s kinda surprised that somebody as attractive as you would be here. There’s a beat of silence, Choro just sitting on his ass in a daze while he tries to process everything that’s happening. You hold your hand out and help him up, books tucked under your arm.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to ramble or anything. I should have been looking where I was going, heh,” you hand the books back to him.

“No that’s fine,” he stammers, still dumbfounded, “Have you read anything actually worth buying, though?”

“Oh my god I’m so glad you asked,” your eyes brighten like you’ve been waiting your whole life for somebody to ask you about girl’s love.

You take him by his free hand and go poking around for some of your favorites. Choromatsu has hearts in his eyes.

[whipped-stream]

I watched: The Night Manager

I find spy stuff a bit difficult really. It’s so smug - long, indulgently complicated stories chock-full of smart men in smart suits drinking man-drinks like whisky or martinis, surveilling each other out of the corners of their eyes, skulking around the charming alleyways of some architecturally opulent urban space. No one is ever insecure in a spy story; no one ever has a moment where they’re at a loss for words; no one ever has acne or eats a burger or even drinks a latte, because the only coffee appropriate for a spy story has to be something tight and elegant like an espresso. Oh, and very few people in these stories are ever female, fat (unless they’re evil) or gay (unless they’re evil).

Of course, this is all completely endemic to the genre. Asking for a spy thriller without these qualities would be like asking for a Judd Apatow comedy without a bunch of scruffy beardy blokes. But like - it’s 2021 now, and you’d think we would be gradually nearing the point where we were ready to retire all the tiresome, difficult stuff about the genre and do something new and interesting with it. Alas, The Night Manager has proved to me that we are nowhere near this possible future.

Don’t get me wrong, this is an enjoyable, easy show if you don’t think about it too much. It’s polished, gorgeous to look at and the basic plot revolving around illegal arms trading in the Middle East is absorbing, albeit a little toothless (for all the action and violence in the Middle East scenes we never really engage on any level with the human impact of this nefarious trade, besides one anecdote which never really lands). Tom Hiddleston and Hugh Laurie are both, predictably, also amazing in this show. Tom Hiddleston is perfect as a hotel manager; his earnest, twinkly-eyed politeness fits perfectly in the luxury hotels his character glides through, just as his luxury suits and luxury face suit the luxury décor. Then, as a secret services mole amongst gangsters, he is perfect again, charming everyone into smitten trust with a gleaming smile as they fall into the glacier-blue lagoons of his eyes, barely noticing him surreptitiously gathering all their secrets.

Hugh Laurie is as charismatic and sinister as a cartoon devil and makes for a terrific villain, fiercely dedicated to chewing the scenery at every opportunity. It is unclear to me why they chose to give him a sortof shabby Friar Tuck haircut for the role, but perhaps he is doing a Harrison Ford and just exerting his Great Actor Famepower to refuse to undergo any kind of personal grooming before a scene.

But yeah. Every time I was enjoying it, the dang show did something to ruin it. Firstly it was the ‘Bond women’. Sure, stunningly beautiful and sexually inviting women are a staple of this genre, and this show tries its best to show good faith by making sure that the stunningly beautiful and sexually inviting women in this instance have some kind of personality and plot relevance. It’s a pathetic effort at best. The first gorgeous woman chivvies the plot along for all of two minutes before flinging her fabulous self at Tom Hiddlestone and being a charming bedfellow just long enough for him to be distraught when he discovers her moments later in a pool of her own blood. Ahh, yes, a classic Woman in Refrigerator - gosh, I haven’t seen one of those employed with such efficiency in quite some time. Despite barely knowing her, Tom Hiddlestone is so devastated that he moves into some kind of massive concrete bunker right at the top of a Swiss Alpine mountain (what IS that house, dude!?!? Do you live in a weather monitoring facility?) and eventually agrees to become an agent for the secret services - which of course presents even more opportunities for some top totty.

The other stunningly beautiful woman in this show is in a relationship with the baddie played by Hugh Laurie, even though the two of them don’t so much have an age gap as an age chasm. She is called ‘Jed’, and she truly is only here for the camera to make long, indulgent pans up her svelte legs and delicate back. The show leaps at any opportunity to show a bit of her boob and at one point she fully disrobes and walks slowly and teasingly into the sea, pointing her arse right at Tom Hiddlestone, in order to make a point about living a carefree life. All the personal details about this woman are arbitrary - she has a kid that she never gets to see, I guess, and like she’s kind of suspicious of her boyfriend the arms dealer or whatever, but the show refuses to waste any time giving these story points any more than a cursory glance. Jed is a hollow, objectified character whose clothes fall off at the slightest jostle.

And then there’s the other thing. The torture thing. What is up with these spy shows? And how the only thing they love more than sexy women is the spectacle of sexy women being battered, tortured and lying dead in revealing poses? Just like her predecessor, poor Jed barely gets to do anything interesting or even proactive before she is ‘found out’ and we have to endure a really queasy scene where she’s being beaten up and repeatedly almost-drowned for her treachery. As her sore, blue-purple face is thrust over and over again into the brimming bathtub and she thrashes for air, her naked breast dangles out of her top in a tactless mush of raunchy objectification and vicarious misogyny. It’s one of the most troubling things I have witnessed on telly in a good while.

Okay - there is one other woman in this show. Olivia Coleman plays the head of this secret service operation, and she is written as a fierce, ambitious agent who knows exactly what she’s doing. Oh, and she’s pregnant, so I guess we’re doing Fargo too, a bit? For the entirety of the programme, which seems to span several months, she appears to be at the end of her third trimester. No one ever asks her when she’ll be going on maternity leave and who will take over this spy operation when that happens. As part of the final showdown, she travels to the Middle East, stalks around a hotel filled with murderous gangsters, shoots people in the knee and hides from even more murderous gangsters WHILE SEEMINGLY MOMENTS AWAY FROM HER FIRST CONTRACTION.

Essentially this woman’s pregnancy is a decorative character quirk, like having an eyepatch or an eccentric moustache. The story doesn’t let the character engage with her pregnancy in any human sense: and sure, the logistics of being pregnant is not exactly thrilling espionage content, but then why bother doing it at all? Leave her unpregged, and let her run around with guns to her heart’s content, or do it properly, and engage with interesting ideas of how we see and define modern motherhood; how we see pregnant women as vulnerable and in need of protection rather than being the protectors; how a woman’s career clashes and harmonises with her biological fate to be the child-bearer. Fargo did all that stuff effortlessly. Watch Fargo. The film, not the telly programme.

I also feel that it’s worth pointing out that this character was a man in the book, which makes it pretty clear that she was the hail-mary gesture to preempt any complaints that the only female main characters are bland eye-candy.

I have one last complaint. Remember that thing I said at the beginning about how the only gay characters allowed in this genre have to be evil? Well yeah, stamp that one on your bingo card too. I cannot believe that we are at a point in society where we can generate edible meat in a lab and yet the most frequent gay characters we see in mainstream TV are still either camp BFFs or acid-tongued villains. Tom Hollander is a completely wonderful actor and I urge you to watch basically anything else he has done besides this. There is no need for this character, Hugh Laurie’s snide and suspicious right-hand man, to be a creepy, predatory homosexual man. He is preposterous - constantly leering at Tom Hiddlestone and making blunt innuendos or just full-on grabbing Tom Hiddlestone’s giblets. A clear conflation is being made: this man is a threat, and the threat he poses to Tom Hiddlestone’s mission is mirrored by the threat he poses to Hiddlestone’s hetero-masculinity, his sexual autonomy. It feels like this character is a charicature of how homophobes see all gay men: malevolent and sexually rapacious, on a mission to assault, harass and render uncomfortable all hetero men who are just minding their own business.

I truly don’t understand this show - how they made such an effort to shoehorn so much deeply troubling messaging into a story which needed none of these things. The bare bones of the spy story is solid and it could have been turned out in so many different ways, but this was what they chose. It all feels so retrograde, so unnecessary. This is the kind of thing that Netflix would not have toyed with - whatever you feel about that streaming platform, they create stories with real, three-dimensional women and all kinds of diverse characters from the LGBTQ+ scene and beyond. Amazon Prime still needs to work on getting woke. But I guess we shouldn’t expect too much from the platform that snapped up Jeremy Clarkson.

The Night Manager, available on Amazon Prime

[moonlightwinterdxxix]

Here again with a story idea 😂 A day where all the brothers have plans for to go out but there's sudden expected construction work outside their house so they literally can't leave?!? (Let's assume the Matsu parents didn't think their NEETS really had anything to do outdoors that day so they didn't bother to informing them about it haha) Maybe either a hilarious series of escape events or forced family bonding time? 😂

Ah, @yisongye Here it is!! 😂😂 I hope you enjoy my interpretation of this very interesting 2020 experience 🤣🤣🤣

~~~

The bedroom door slid open and slammed against the wall, and he screamed out, “Hey, guys! Guess what!”

Karamatsu raised his chin from the hand mirror, smirking. “Yes, my dear older brother Osomatsu? What might you have upon you as to call for your excitement?”

“There’s this really big gamble that’s gonna happen in Pachinko today from a visitor!” Osomatsu informed, a pair of fists rocking in his exhilaration. “And here’s the big deal: she’s a chick! A very pretty one too! I have no idea what she would want as a penalty aside from money but I’m dead-set on challenging her!” Osomatsu flushed, sultry in a green fantasy. “Ooh man, oh boy, I’m not just gonna give her a run on her money! I’m gonna challenge her into having s** with me!” He laughed maniacally, a predator’s villainous cackle.

Todomatsu scoffed in amusement, rolling his eyes. “Well, try as hard as you want. You’ll never succeed—you’ll be a virgin NEET forever.” He angled his phone, checking himself in the selfie feature of his camera. “On the other hand, there’s a very nice girl that Atsushi informed me will come to the mixer. I’m planning on going out to buy myself a nice new jacket later so I can look nicer come Friday. There is a sale at the mall, after all, so I wouldn’t want to miss it.”

“Can that beat my luck though?” Choromatsu boasted, popping the collar of his green shirt. “I managed to get VIP passes to Nyaa-chan’s concert. So all of you might be hopeful, but I’m meeting my cat idol in a few hours. So weep in your misery, everyone. Your Choromatsu is going forth into another world.”

“Heh,” Karamatsu retorted, narrowing a perpetually theatrical gaze. “Might I remind you first, my brother. Fap none of the dazzling women that might catch your eye, no? Set a good example to all of your brothers, non?”

With his smile wilting, Choromatsu sputtered as his face went rosy. “Wh-Wh—You shut the hell up, Shittymatsu! I know stuff, you moron!”

“Heh! Good for you, brother! For my luck shines upon me like it came from heaven itself!” Karamatsu flashed them his teeth, touching an eyebrow with two fingers. “You see, my brother, my day too flows with the passionate love from Akatsuka-sensei himself! Today I have been welcomed passage into the core of Akatsuka Ward itself, and I am to meet with a lady of whom I blind date for us was set! Hm, I thank Chibita for his kind heart, how could I have known that he would know such a precious soul—BOEHH!”

Ichimatsu slammed the back of Karamatsu’s head with an unplugged iron, and Karamatsu tumbled down onto the floor. “I bet your sorry ass that you’ll be meeting up with a dishwasher, you piece of crap.”

Jyushimatsu hollered out, “As fun as meeting with girls sounds nice, me and Ichi-nii decided to go to Sealand instead! There’s this annual dolphin show that happens every so often, and after attending it once I decided to invite him to the next one! I spent my entire allowance on getting us front-row tickets, so he has a nice experience when watching the show! The dolphins are always trained so well, once I had a dream of wanting to be one too.”

Ichimatsu grinned slightly, amused. “Hm, and after that I’ll be taking Jyushimatsu to the cat shelter. I’ve made an appointment to adopt one of the cats there—Mom and Dad already let me. She’s a very young one, about two months old, found beside a river where she almost drowned. I felt bad for her and decided to keep her so she doesn’t drown herself again. Her name’s Kawa, and she’s a plain white one. I hope she likes it here at the household with me.”

“Awwww~” the collective chorus of his brothers cooed lovingly, and Ichimatsu flushed bright pink and turned away with his hands smashed to his ears.

“Shut up! Stop shedding attention to my shitty life!” Ichimatsu exclaimed miserably.

“Either way, it seems that all of us have plans for today,” Choromatsu laughed, over from his former humiliation as he shrugged his backpack on entirely. “Anyway I need to go now. The arena could get pretty crowded if I came in much later than twelve.”

Osomatsu darted his gaze to the clock to Choromatsu then back again. “But it’s eight-thirty.”

“The earlier the better.” Choromatsu lifted his shoulders, chuckling. “Perhaps I can eat lunch while waiting too. Can’t watch a concert with an empty stomach. We need energy for screaming at the top of our lungs.”

“As if you don’t do that everyday already,” Osomatsu murmured, but remained unheard.

To Choromatsu, “Yeah, I agree,” Todomatsu said, standing up from the couch and patting his pants. “I’d better get to the mall early before it gets too crowded. I mean, sales are still sales, aren’t they? I don’t wanna be stuck in a traffic of people before I see something pretty.” He directed himself towards the cabinet and rummaged through the pockets of one of his hoodies, grabbing his wallet and stashing it into his current pants. “Yep. Imma go for now. See you all later?”

“Yeah, sure!” Jyushimatsu exclaimed, waving. “Later! Have fun!”

“Kiss Reika for me, okay, Fappymatsu?” Osomatsu derided, the curves of his features smug.

Choromatsu scoffed in reply as Todomatsu tittered, and then the bedroom door shut as Choromatsu and Todomatsu exited.

A minute passed.

And then...

“EEEHHH???!!!”

The rest of the Matsuno household were already out the bedroom and down the stairs, sliding into sudden halts as they saw Choromatsu and Todomatsu frozen in front of their door. They were both with mouths so rounded that their jaws were on the floor, their eyes nearly bulging out of their sockets. Their fingers were spread out from their hands at their sides, legs parted.

“Totty? What’s wrong?” But then all the other four were soon to realize it, and with matching, elongated yells all six were better classified with the term ‘identical’ as they all sported the same gawking, disbelieved expressions.

In front of their front door, the ground was a literal swimming pool of wet cement. Across that, there were careless-of-them construction workers with complete top-volume cranes and drillers, the workers saluting each other and bearing wide blueprints as long as a man was tall. This occupied the front porch all the way to their gate, nearly tore down completely, now granting the brothers a perfect view of Matsuyo and Matsuzo as they stared at their own sons, a pair of shopping bags dangling from their mother’s arms.

“Wh...” The first with a voice managing to come out his lips, Choromatsu averted his gaze to their parents. “Mom?! What in bloody hell is this?!”

“Ah, that!” Matsuyo laughed, unbothered in the slightest by the unexpected construction. “It’s just a bit of construction, my NEETs! I didn’t think I needed to tell you since you can handle yourselves, but never mind that! Don’t worry! It’ll only be about three days until you can go outside the house again.”

“Three days?!” Osomatsu exclaimed, face contorting in horror. “But that sexy-chick gambler will leave the city in three days!”

After shooting his brother a pointed look, Karamatsu yelled out the more proper response to their mother’s statement, “How are we supposed to leave the house?! And how are you two getting back in?!”

“Ah, don’t worry about us,” Matsuzo said, chuckling lightheartedly. “We booked a stay at the hotel about a week ago because we knew about this. Plus we bought a ton of groceries last week, so the fridge was practically an entire factory of sushi and takoyaki. I’m still surprised that there was only about a shelf left of it before we left the house three hours ago.”

“Th-That was our storage?!” Todomatsu sputtered. “Our food?!”

“Gee, I wonder where all of it went,” Ichimatsu sarcastically drawled, maliciously digging a dagger-sharp gaze against Jyushimatsu, who had gone from pale to red in a matter of seconds through the transition of realization to shame.

“No, we can’t survive this!” Osomatsu protested, gesturing wildly at the commotion lining each space of their front. “Mom! Dad! This is worse than suicide! No, we need to get out of this house! You can’t expect us to stay locked in here the entire three days, do you?! We’re your sons! You know that!”

“And we’re your parents,” Matsuyo retorted, her glare making Osomatsu and his brothers all shrink. “And you know well enough that we hate it when you have no consciences. This is punishment for illegally performing on the streets a month ago just to get money for a fish sale for Totoko’s sake! Grow up! Cod, you’re all a bunch of oversized children. You’re lucky we still gave you a storage of takoyaki.” Turning her nose up, she said, “Let’s go, Matsuzo-dear. We have that specialized screening on that one movie, right?”

“Of course, darling,” Matsuzo said devilishly, internally guffawing at his son’s anxieties. “Shall we?” He extended his arm.

“My pleasure.”

All six began yelling in unison as their parents began walking away, striding off with the pride of victory and the blessing of their lack of child tomfoolery. The brothers all tumbled down defeatedly on the floor, groaning in exasperation. It was Jyushimatsu who remained standing, mind calculative as his pupils dilated and his mouth was covered by a hand. Then...

“I think I can make that jump.”

“Ah, I see you wanna die early,” Todomatsu chortled groggily, unimpressed. “Ichimatsu-niisan, take notes. Your medal’s been snatched.”

“No!” Jyushimatsu contradicted. “I think I can make that jump! Then when I do, I’ll get all of you a ladder or something so you can get across.”

“Sure, I believe you,” Osomatsu said casually, pouting. “You’re the same guy who can turn into a living Jyushimatsu virus. If you can jump that gorge of death then go for it.”

“Idiots, it won’t work,” Choromatsu finalized, crossing his arms. “He won’t make it. Trust me.”

~~~

“Or not. Of course. I rest my case.”

Preparing himself, Jyushimatsu bent his legs.

“On three, Jyushimatsu,” Ichimatsu announced. “One...two...three!”

Jyushimatsu bolted, and with the speed of a fictional being he raced across the entire room until his feet were no longer on the ground, and he was hovering in the air, his shadow overlapping gray as his form paralleled the top of their doorframe. He was only by the first half of the entire cement pool when gravity played its part and tugged him downwards.

With his arms up, Jyushimatsu yelled out a stainless “BOEHBAA!!”, only stopping when a cross-crossed surface dug into his butt and he was pulled back into the house.

And dropped on the floor with a thud, tilting his head towards Todomatsu and the butterfly net he had in his hands. “Thanks, Totty.”

“I told you it won’t work,” Choromatsu grouched.

“Work or not, where was this butterfly net from?” Todomatsu questioned, scratching his head in confusion.

Jyushimatsu said, “I also got it from Dayon’s stomach.”

Todomatsu immediately panicked, dropping the net and struggling for the closest sink.

“Aha! I have a new plan!” Karamatsu extolled, spreading his arms wide. “My brothers, this plan of mine is guaranteed to entrance our grand exit! Be amazed, my brothers! We shall be able to access our hopes and dreams on finding the romance, enjoyment, and entertainment that our lives have waited for! My brothers, join me!” He began spinning around dramatically, a hand sailing to his back pocket for a rain of rose petals that he sprayed over the floor. “Grab a pen, and wonderful stationary. We are writing letters.”

Everyone stared at him dumbfounded, except for Ichimatsu, who bluntly said, “Kill me now.”

Minutes later, all six of them were gathered around the living room table, color-coded papers assigned to each brother. At the center of the table was a pack of markers, as well as some glitters none of them (but Karamatsu, apparently) knew they even had. At the head of the table, Karamatsu smirked at them, a finger-gun connected to his jawline as his sunglasses hid his dancing eyes. “Now, pick up a pen,” he instructed.

They all did, grabbing the marker colored with the hue of the sibling closest to them. Karamatsu picked last, raising his pink marker. “Step two, revisit your talents in mastery. Perfect, swooping calligraphy, as a dazzling prince such as us possesses.”

“Bro, I failed art class because of calligraphy,” Osomatsu deadpanned.

“Now,” Karamatsu pronounced as if no one had spoken, “Take the tip of your pen to the page. Then with the watery softness of a fountain, draw the letter ‘I’.”

Though hesitant, everyone followed.

“Good, my brothers. Next, add a space. Then, the letter ‘L’.”

They obeyed.

“Brothers, the letter ‘O’.”

They complied.

“The letter ‘V—”

“Karamatsu-niisan, what’s the message you’re making us write?” Choromatsu asked bluntly.

“Um...” Karamatsu made a heart with his hands, smiling boldly, “It will say, ‘I love you, dear cement! Please let us pass through your jinxes, allow us passage because you reciprocate my feelings to you!’ Oh, brother, the ground will harden almost immediately because of passion! I can see her heart beating from our kindness! Oh, brother, my brother, it shall make her weep tears of rock that would melt into a river of the soul! I see it, brother! It shall work, brother!” He was dancing in his reverie, nearly crying. “Oh, brother, my brother, sweet brother—BOEH!”

He collapsed on the ground, and Ichimatsu dropped his fist. “How about, ‘Brother, shut the eff up’.”

“Ugh, this sucks!” Todomatsu whined, tossing his paper away. “You’re all stupid and useless! Now I’m never gonna be able to look attractive enough for the new girl.” He buried his head in his arms on the table. “It’s hopeless for me. I need to be stuck with a bunch of ‘overgrown children’ until Atsushi sweeps her off her feet.”

“No.” Osomatsu stood up, all serious. Everyone looked at him. “There’s still hope. I think there’s one more thing we can do before we can say that we failed.”

Choromatsu lackadaisically suggested, “Request the construction workers for a way across?”

“Even better.” Osomatsu straightened his body, chin up, spine vertical. “Everyone. Off to the roof.”

Silence (...)...

“...eh?”

It was even louder on the roof than outside, because the entire view was there to present itself. The machines were huge, matted with soil and cement, some of the yellow on the bodies faded or whitened. Five of the six of them watched the entire thing with fearful anticipation, the giants in front of their house like dragons hovering over a field of lava. Whatever plan this Osomatsu-niisan of theirs had, it had better be worth it. Because so far, it looked like death was going to be the option here if it weren’t success.

“Boys,” Osomatsu announced, hands on his waist. “It’s time. Jyushimatsu, come here.”

Gulping, Jyushimatsu didn’t protest as he allowed himself to be led by his oldest brother, scarily close to the edge of the roof. Sweat ran down the sides of his face, his legs trembling in his discomfort. But he stayed there with his hands at his sides, staring straight and down towards the valley of Tartarus below.

“Karamatsu, come here,” Osomatsu instructed, and with the same worrisome posture Karamatsu stepped next to his eldest and fifth-born brother. “Karamatsu, go over Jyushimatsu’s shoulders.”

Karamatsu sputtered, and Choromatsu let out a “NO!” louder than the entire construction company combined.

But Choromatsu was ignored as Karamatsu timidly climbed onto Jyushimatsu’s back, and rested his thighs over Jyushimatsu’s shoulders. Both of them were perspired and horrified, already awaiting doom before a signal can even be clarified. Jyushimatsu clasped Karamatsu’s legs like it was giving him reassurance, but the threat of failure was still too strong for that.

“Ichimatsu, you next!” Osomatsu called out, and Ichimatsu greenly approached the building tower with his chin dipped and his eyes sullen. Internally, he was mouthing his last will and testament.

But he climbed nonetheless onto Karamatsu’s shoulders.

“Okay, my turn.” Osomatsu climbed onto Ichimatsu’s shoulders, and the weight began tugging down on Jyushimatsu as a wobble began to wrack their brother building. Hands grabbed legs, butts nestled tightly against napes, and lips went pressed as three of them stifled the screams that were growing in their throats.

“Choromatsu! You’re up!”

“This is dangerous, you idiot eldest!” Choromatsu reprimanded, arms wide for emphasis. “No more kidding—you’re literally trying to kill us!”

“Wouldn’t you die for Nyaa-chan?” Osomatsu inquired calmly.

Choromatsu was up over Osomatsu’s shoulders ten seconds later.

“Finally! Totty!”

On top of the tower, Todomatsu shook harshly as he grabbed the sides of Choromatsu’s head for dear life, legs intertwined over Choromatsu’s chest. Actually, most of them were like that. The only exception was the oldest brother, as determined as an eagle, staring straight through the obstacles separating him from making out with a beautiful gambling girl.

“Jyushimatsu, on three, run back, and then jump.”

“We’re gonna die,” Ichimatsu rasped with a plastic smile.

“Yup,” Karamatsu agreed in a tiny voice.

“On three, Jyushimatsu,” Osomatsu repeated, fiercer, and Jyushimatsu stepped back, all his brothers doing the same with the connections binding them in that formation. Jyushimatsu’s legs were shuddering. The pores on his skin were leaking.

“One...two...THREE!!!”

Eyes shut, Jyushimatsu made his run and jumped.

A few seconds later, at the other side of the gate, there were six bodies lying on the streets they’ve cracked, car horns roaring angrily in the traffic they caused.

~~~

Matsuyo tapped her feet. “I don’t think I need to scold you anymore. You know very well what you’ve done, right?” She crossed her arms, tilted her chin. “And because of that, there won’t be any more takoyaki. Not just because you absolutely don’t deserve it anymore, but because we can’t afford it.”

“Eh? Why not?” Osomatsu asked, then whimpered when he tried to move his head a little. With a full body cast matching those of his brothers’, there was no twitching a pinkie nor a strand of hair on the hospital beds.

“Not only because I have six sons confined with full body casts following surgery,” Matsuyo said madly, “but because of the damage! Not only did you break almost every bone in your body but you broke the road itself! There’s gonna be so much construction in front of our house now and guess what! We are the ones who need to pay for it!”

“Are we that fat?” Karamatsu sobbed.

“Think about what you did, you NEETs,” Matsuzo moaned, massaging his temples. “This didn’t just ruin our day with all these expenses. But your day too. Didn’t you all have anything better to do?” With that, Matsuzo and Matsuyo left the room, shutting the door behind them.

When they were completely gone, Jyushimatsu whimpered, “So...No dolphin show?”

“No cat...?” Ichimatsu followed up miserably.

“No clothes...?” Todomatsu wept.

“No Nyaa-chan...?!” Choromatsu cried.

“No date?!” Karamatsu tearfully yelled.

“No sexy-as-hell gambling babe?” Osomatsu whispered.

They all went quiet.

Then together, they all cried as one.

[trashmatsu3]

Karamaniichan!

“Ahh, Choromatsu-oniisan, look at this selfie Karamaniichan just sent me!” Todomatsu scooted closer to his older brother, both of them seated at the low table in the living room. Choromatsu looked toward Todomatsu’s phone but paused, recalling something strange about what Todomatsu had just said to him.

“What did you just call Karamatsu?” He asked, not even looking at the selfie yet. He needed a moment to prepare himself in any case. Whatever the selfie was, it was probably some new fashion trend Karamatsu was experimenting with, and there was no way Choromatsu could look directly at it without bracing himself.

“Karamaniichan?” Todomatsu said, head canted like a puppy. He shoved his phone at Choromatsu, but still, he refused to look, wanting an explanation for the sudden appearance of this cutesy nickname first.

“Since when do you call him Karamaniichan?” The nickname was so cutesy, so affectionate it made Choromatsu’s stomach turn. It was the kind of thing he expected from Totoko when they were in high school. It wasn’t quite what he expected from his youngest brother, an adult man in his 20s.

“Since he started calling me Totty-tan.” Todomatsu shrugged, and again shoved his phone into Choromatsu’s face while Choromatsu suffered a second round of pain over hearing Karamatsu’s sickeningly adorable nickname for Todomatsu. Todomatsu’s nose wrinkled and he pulled his phone back, looking at the screen. “Ewww, Choromatsu-oniisan, you got my screen all greasy!”

“Wait - so Karamatsu is Karamaniichan, but I’m still Choromatsu-oniisan?” Choromatsu frowned, smacking both hands down on the table. He wasn’t sure exactly why he was upset about this, but he was. 

“Yeah?” Todomatsu looked confused, the pieces slowly moving into place in his thoughts. “Oh! Is this about that ‘I never tell you anything’ thing? Do I need to report a new nickname to everyone else? Should we hold a committee to vote on it? Do you not like ‘Karamaniichan’? Should it be something else? Perhaps ‘Karattan’, because I considered it since Karamaniichan started calling me Totty-tan, I thought it would be cute if we matched, but then I thought it would be less special if he was also -tan, and since I’m the cute one-”

“TODOMATSU.” Choromatsu groaned, loudly speaking over Todomatsu and his sarcastic tone of voice.

“No, you don’t need to report a new nickname.” He groaned. “Just… Why Karamatsu? Why not…”

“Why not you?” Todomatsu finished the statement Choromatsu couldn’t quite bring himself to finish. It sounded so juvenile, like he was jealous that his older brother and youngest brother had cute nicknames to share between the two of them. He was a grown man! But it stung all the same. Ichimatsu and Jyushimatsu had their own thing going, the two clearly preferred each other’s company to the rest of their brothers, and now Karamatsu and Todomatsu seemed to have picked up where they left off when they were little and spent all their time together. Where did that leave Choromatsu? With Osomatsu?

Todomatsu sighed deeply and set his phone down for a moment, the picture still open and ready to scar Choromatsu. Choromatsu glanced toward the phone and caught a flash of something very shiny, very blue. He quickly looked away. He still wasn’t ready. Not yet. Maybe not ever. But definitely not yet.

“It doesn’t mean I don’t like you, Choromatsu.” He started, and Choromatsu cringed and flinched away, letting Todomatsu know without words that he’d hit on Choromatsu’s deepest unspoken fear with the cutesy nicknames that he never seemed to be on the receiving end of. “You’re still my big brother. But Karamatsu and me spend more time together. Unless you want to go shopping for skincare items with me?”

Todomatsu watched a cringe roll through Choromatsu’s body from his head to his feet.

“Uh huh. Or go clothes shopping with me? Go to cute cafes together and Instagram our food?”

Choromatsu looked sicker and more nauseous the more Todomatsu listed how he and Karamatsu spent their time together.

“Didn’t think so. But I like to do those things, and so does Karamaniichan. And the more time we started spending together, well, the nicknames just kind of happened. But if it makes you feel better, Karamatsu called me Totty-tan first.’Karamaniichan’ happened later.”

Choromatsu relaxed a little, unclenching his shoulders and back. That did make him feel better, actually.

“We could try spending more time together, maybe we’ll come up with nicknames for each other.” Todomatsu shrugged, “But I don’t really know where our interests overlap.”

Choromatsu re-clenched. There was no overlap in their interests. Nothing Todomatsu had listed sounded interesting in the least. And he knew the only interest Todomatsu had in Nyaa-chan was interviews where she discussed her skincare routine. He sighed deeply, arms folded on the table, head practically sunken into the wood.

Todomatsu frowned, trying to think of something to cheer up his brother when he remembered the selfie Karamatsu had sent.

“I know what we can do,” Todomatsu started, picking his phone back up, Choromatsu looking up from the table’s surface without actually moving his head so Todomatsu could see how sad and pathetic he was. “We can make fun of Karamaniichan’s selfie.”

Choromatsu’s eyes lit up and he sat up straight, taking the phone when Todomatsu offered it again. 

On the screen was a picture of Karamatsu standing in a disaster of a fitting room, discarded clothes all over the floor, each item more painful than the last. There were sequins. There were rhinestones. There was something that looked like see through pants, and Choromatsu’s brain helpfully blacked out that part of his vision so he didn’t have to think on that concept any further. But none of the clothes on the floor were as awful or tacky or downright painful as the outfit Karamatsu had on. He wore blue vinyl pants cut and styled to look like regular skinny jeans, a sheer gold shirt with a faint star pattern, and a cropped leopard spotted faux fur jacket with each spot outlined in gold glitter. Choromatsu already felt faint seeing the outfit, but then his gaze fell to Karamatsu's shoes, which were probably the worst part. Along with the blue vinyl pants, the sheer shirt and fuzzy leopard spotted jacket were Karamatsu's very own gold rhinestone encrusted shoes. Worn with one of Karamatsu's comparatively tame outfits like his booty shorts and selfie tank top, the shoes were enough to give Choromatsu an allergic reaction. Like this, worn with the worst clothes Choromatsu could have never imagined, they were downright lethal. 

Choromatsu felt his eyes burning and his pulse slowing. His vision fuzzed out and he fell backward, hitting the tatami hard. Todomatsu reached over and set two fingers on Choromatsu's neck, finding no pulse. While he waited for Choromatsu to recover from his fashion-induced death, Todomatsu took his phone back and texted a reply to Karamatsu. 

"Choromatsu-oniisan thinks it's to die for." 

Todomatsu was definitely going to borrow that jacket. 

[punkscowardschampions]

Nancy & Rio

Nancy: UM okay Nancy: You've succeeded in making me speechless so what do you wanna say Rio: Usually I'd take that as a compliment Rio: I didn't know how to say it without sounding like a total self-absorbed bitch Rio: 'cos all you went through at yours and everything but Rio: I just can't do it anymore, Nance Nancy: Wow, that makes ME sound like a total self-absorbed bitch Nancy: but I get it, of course I do Rio: Ugh, no, so not how I meant that Rio: not like you were giving out 'do not talk about this' vibes, it was just me pussying out, lbr Rio: but you do? thank God Nancy: I kind of always give out those vibes lbr & I kind of am a self-absorbed bitch so like ?? Rio: If you wanna own that then I will say we've talked about you way more than me already so Rio: go off Nancy: Ugh Nancy: I have to own it 👑 Rio: Works for me, babe Rio: regardless of how self-obsessed my socials have me looking, I'm not my favourite topic of conversation Rio: never mind I'm sort of avoiding my parents rn so Nancy: Me either but everyone wants me to talk about it Nancy: all like who are you? or worse, how are you? Rio: Reckon 'what are you gonna do with your life?' trumps 'em both though Nancy: oh, I get that too honey, every time my parents call me Nancy: Sorry I'm not in America being your poster child for success Rio: You're doing it again 😏 Rio: Ah well, I got plans Rio: School ain't necessary for them Nancy: What can I say? He brings out the worst in me Nancy: so what are you gonna do besides leave me 💔? Rio: Awh, don't 😖 Rio: I've got lots of plans, not gonna jinx 'em before I've even started but trust Rio: I can go full-time at the bar I was doing weekends in so that's a start Nancy: is one of them make June let me copy his homework now I won't have yours 'cause I'll cry if not Nancy: but seriously, I believe in you with or without an insta post power move Rio: but of course Rio: you'll be well better off for it Rio: 🧡🧡🧡 Nancy: I reckon I still hate this for me but I love it for you Rio: You're gonna be better than fine Rio: I ain't dying Nancy: everyone needs that to be true so I'll have to Nancy: You'll be thriving who needs essays or irish in their future, good lord Rio: I mean Rio: not to rub it in but Rio: 🙌💃🍾🎊 Nancy: 😭🏫😢🎒🍀💔 Rio: 😂 Rio: At least none of the kids should care too much Rio: end of the world when I moved in with Indie, as if I'm never coming back, or don't live like 5 minutes away 🙄 Nancy: Granddad will be so happy that you're following in his 👣 though you might get that party actually Nancy: You're already his fave Rio: Nancy McKenna, are you actually ASKING for a party right now? Rio: Oh my God, now we HAVE to have one, haters be damned Nancy: We aren't talking about me so shhh Nancy: But you literally have to Nancy: 🧡🧡🧡 Rio: Alright Rio: sexy schoolgirl uniform NOT optional though Rio: not sorry Nancy: It's your party you can objectify me if you want to Nancy: I still have my posh one so Rio: 😏👌 Rio: top totty babe Nancy: I'll make it fashion Nancy: We can burn it after, pretend like I don't have another to go back to Rio: Yeah, we'll stop before burning the books Rio: even if it'd be very cathartic Nancy: Just the 🍀 ones Nancy: Pretty please Rio: No one's expecting you to pass, like Rio: even your 'rents no doubt Rio: literally zero pressure on that one Nancy: my dad is, he thinks it's hilarious Rio: Only got the complexion, like Nancy: the men in our little section of the family are such pricks Nancy: 🙄 Rio: Like that you specified, just in case Junie reads these and is like fuck yo homework Nancy: he's a babe Nancy: even when he's being unhelpful Nancy: which is mostly but that's men for you, like Rio: 😂😂 Rio: ain't gonna put him in charge of party-planning, let's put it that way Nancy: I'll do it Rio: Really? Nancy: I know HOW okay?! I just don't Nancy: usually Rio: Okay, okay! Rio: I don't doubt you Rio: go ahead Nancy: You shouldn't 'cause sexy schoolgirls is my entire coming out so the theme is easy Nancy: Gay origin story Rio: Such a perv, McKenna 😉 Nancy: I was like 12 what else would you have liked me to perv on at the time? Rio: Schlebs and porn like everyone else Rio: duh Nancy: Duh, I'd done that already Nancy: I've been gay since 👶 Rio: not on the 💻 though, I hope Nancy: 😏 Rio: Like I said, filth Nancy: didn't realise moving here meant I had to become a nun by default Nancy: awkward Rio: Someone shoulda told you Rio: churches run this country, babe Nancy: If god was a hot older lady I'd consider devoting myself 😍🙏 but Nancy: worship a man, no thanks Rio: He's not a man, heathen Nancy: depicted like one though WHAT A SURPRISE Rio: Well Jesus was defs not a ginger either so - 1  for you Nancy: Did he look like a beautiful woman or is that just art being 🌈 ? Rio: You've got the weirdest taste Nancy: excuse me I didn't 🎨 it Rio: You're into it Nancy: I've just noticed Rio: Mhmm Nancy: I've been single forever, fight me Rio: That's no excuse to sexualize our lord and saviour Rio: behave yourself Nancy: He isn't mine, that was the point Rio: He's the worlds Nancy: not my world, babe Rio: 🙄 Nancy: when are you working 'cause this party needs to be ASAP Rio: tonight Rio: but I'm working the day sunday so maybe we could do something in the evening? Nancy: Okay Nancy: I'll get it all arranged Rio: 🤞 I don't get murdered before then Rio: but I'm sure the fam will keep you posted Nancy: I'll hear your mum from here Nancy: but you're a babe with a plan, yeah? Rio: Obvs Rio: soz I ain't a babe with a genius IQ, like Rio: what can you do Nancy: Me either but if I can convince my parents, who are WAY scarier that I have to move you can definitely reassure yours you don't need exams Rio: Alright, bitch, it ain't a competition 😉 Rio: Wish me 🍀 Nancy: Doesn't mean you should let me win really easily Nancy: Or that you need luck for this Nancy: Just tell them what you told me, minus the part about my perversions and bad taste, thank you Rio: But I feel that will really soften the blow, like Rio: Yeah, I'm a dropout but Nancy is a MASSIVE creep, so, win some you lose some lads Nancy: 😂 okay okay you can out me Nancy: But genuinely you just need to prove it to them Nancy: Let them see you working for what you want, making it happen, you know Nancy: they'll worry anyway, its the parental standard Nancy: but they'll see where you're coming from too 🤞 eventually Nancy: or they won't and you get to be like look how wrong you are Nancy: either way  🙌💃🍾🎊 Rio: 🧡🧡🧡 Rio: Yeah, you're right Rio: it's happening regardless so they'll have to get used to it Nancy: Gay culture Rio: 😂 Rio: Right, I've got to go get ready Rio: plan my party, bitch Nancy: I've already begun, bitch Nancy: I approve of the enthusiasm Rio: I'd call it keen Rio: 😘 Nancy: We've both been called worse 😚 Nancy: and you should be pleased I'm getting into the spirit Rio: You've read the comments? 😏 Nancy: Have you seen how many there are? I don't have time Nancy: No need though, I can guess Rio: 😂 Rio: Fair, it's more like a 70-30 split in my favour so Rio: not bad Nancy: Keep me posted Rio: 👍

[afteriwake]

Alternate Beginnings, Alternate Endings, Alternate Universes (1/5 - An “Adventures In Unexpected Places” Story)

So this is another oldie but goodie that I finished, that I had started ages ago back when I was on LJ, I think, for @fadeddreaming. I’m planning on writing more in this series as I think of differences between the canon DW universe and what I think could happen here, but at least this first story is done!

Alternate Beginnings, Alternate Endings, Alternate Universes - After being sent to the worst school in the whole of England, Amy meets up with the man whose fault it is that she’s there, and things go vastly more differently than anyone expected.

READ CHAPTER 1 | SERIES PAGE | HELP ME SURVIVE? | COMMISSION ME? | BUY ME A KOFI?

2001

Her aunt hadn’t even had the decency to take her. At least she hadn’t had to go alone; when Aunt Sharon made the decree that she was going to send her off to St. Trinian’s, Mels had decided to go as well. “After all, can’t send my best mate off to the madhouse alone,” was what Mels had said. And the school’s reputation fit right up Mels’ alley, but Amy’s? Not so much.

The driver wouldn’t even take them to the front door, not even when Mels offered to double the fare, and then triple it. “Last time it was eggs, and they baked on. Took days to scrape them off,” he said, stopping just outside the grounds. So they hoofed it.

“I heard the place is full of hellions,” Amy said nervously. “Girls that can’t be controlled and all that.”

Mels made a scoffing sound. “They can’t be that bad. And besides, I’m tough, you’re tough. We’ll hold our own.”

“I hope you’re right.”

They were maybe a quarter mile up the drive when Mels stopped her. “We’re being watched,” she said, pointing up to a tree. Amy looked up and saw a girl with camouflage face paint and binoculars. “Oi, you there!”

The girl was so surprised she almost fell out of the tree. “Yeah?” she said warily, lowering her binoculars.

“Why are you spying on us, eh? We’re just new students.”

Her eyes went wide. “You’re the new students?” she said. “I thought you were trespassers.”

“No, we’re new here,” Amy said. “I’m Amelia Pond, and this is Melody Sinclair.”

The girl plucked something out of the bag she had round her shoulder. “Oy!” she said into the walkie talkie. “Do we let them pass?”

“You damn well better let us pass,” Mels said loudly.

“You’re supposed to give ‘em hell,” came the reply from the walkie talkie.

“Toss that down here,” Mels said, dropping her stuff on the ground and going to the tree, and after a moment Amy did the same. “Amy here can climb that tree pretty fast, and we’ll just take it from you if you don’t. You may stay up in the tree, you may not.” The girl paused, and Amy got up to the trunk, grabbed the nearest branch and pulled herself up. The girl yelped, and then dropped the walkie talkie down to Mels. “Listen up, whoever you are. You won’t molest us as we get to the school. So any shenanigans you have planned, scrap them. Anything happens to me or Amy and I’ll unleash holy hell on your head.”

There was a long pause. “We’ll pass the word,” came the cowed reply as Amy dropped back down to the ground.

“We’ll be taking this with us,” Amy said. “What’s your name, anyway?”

“Jones. Kelly Jones. I’m a first year,” she said.

“Anything happens to us, you’re the first one we’re coming after,” Mels said, going back to her stuff.

“Have a nice day,” Amy added as she went back to hers. They gathered their belongings and started walking towards the school again. “You really think they’ll leave us alone?” she asked.

“The fact that we threatened them should give us safe passage till we get to the school. After that, we’re fair game. Just remember not to show any fear or weakness. We’re fresh meat to them.” She smiled at her friend. “We’ll just keep each other’s back, that’s all.” Then her smile faltered. “Just don’t talk about the Doctor.”

“I knew that,” Amy said, rolling her eyes. “What do you think got me sent here in the first place, Mels?”

“Maybe it will be a good thing, in the end,” she said. “If we can survive our last few years of school at this place, we can do anything.”

“Yeah,” she said with a sigh.

“What is it?” Mels asked, stopping.

“I hate to say it, but I miss…Rory,” she said thoughtfully, almost whispering his name. “It won’t be the same not having him around. It’s been the three of us, all through school. And he’s in Leadworth and we’re here.”

“There’s always holidays,” she pointed out. “I can pony up the money for you to go back and see him if your aunt won’t.”

“It’s not like he’s my boyfriend,” she said defensively. “He’s just a friend.”

“Sure,” Mels said. “I believe you.”

“Well, he is,” she replied.

“He’s head over heels for you. Has been since you were little. Probably had been since before I moved into town.”

“Rory? Really?” Amy said, her eyes wide.

“Honest to God,” Mels replied with a nod.

Amy reached over and punched her shoulder. “Why are you just telling me now, Mels? Maybe I could have had a long distance boyfriend. It would have made me cool. Or feel cool, at any rate.”

“It’s not as though you’re an old maid,” Mels teased. “Write him a letter or something. Tell him you want to be long distance mates, see where it goes from there. There’s always end of year break. And Christmas.”

“Aunt Sharon doesn’t want me around,” Amy said glumly. “That’s why I’m here, remember?”

“Hey, you can always stay with me,” she said.

“If your parents don’t kill me for you coming here,” she said.

“Amy, hate to break it to you, but I was supposed to come here a year ago,” she said. “I had to behave in order to not go. Do you know how hard it is to behave in Leadworth? At least here I’ll be able to cut loose.” Then she nudged her friend. “We’ll make it work here, you’ll see. You and me, we’ll be large and in charge, you hear me?”

“How do you suppose we’ll make that happen?”

“Easy. I’ll beat everyone into submission and you put those looks and brains to work. We’ll be fine.”

They chatted the rest of the way up, and made it to the main hall where a tall blonde woman was waiting. “Well, you must be the girls who put the scare into the first years. Welcome to St. Trinian’s. I’m Camilla Fritton, headmistress. Now, which of you is Amelia and which of you is Melody?”

“I’m Amelia,” Amy said.

“I find your aunt’s behavior in not seeing you here herself deplorable. We had matters to discuss,” she replied. “Nonetheless, we can arrange to take care of the business through other means. I see you got your uniforms, good. You’ll find our dress code is a little…lax. We’re all for individuality here.” She motioned for the girls to follow her, and they did. “Now normally we would house you with the rest of the girls but we’re a little short on beds, and two unexpected students two months after term started has caused us a bit of trouble in the sleeping arrangements. For now you will be bunking in the unused English classroom. We should have beds in the next week, after it’s seen if Rachelle and Rebecca decide to stay or if their parents send them off to military school in the States instead.”

“Excuse me, ma’am?” Mels asked.

“Yes, dear?” Camilla replied, turning around.

“What’s the policy on retaliation? In case the first years want to get on us for foiling their scheme?”

“Don’t get caught,” Camilla said with a smile. “Now then, let me introduce you to our Head Girl, Millicent Jameson.” They saw an attractive blonde lounging in a doorway. “She’d have been a Posh Totty but she had a few more brains than most of them, I’m afraid. Had to make her own way in this school, lovely girl, and she ended up Head Girl.”

“So these are the girls who stood up to the first years?” she asked with a melodic, almost sing-song voice.

“They are indeed.”

“Excellent,” she said with a smile. “I’m always encouraging people to give it to the first years. This crowd is especially rowdy. Let me continue the tour. Would you like to put your things away?”

“I’m not putting my stuff away until I’m sure no one’s coming after it,” Amy said, tightening her hold on her duffel bag.

“Tough and smart,” Camilla murmured with a smile. “I think you two will do nicely here,” she added, raising her voice. “Carry on, Millicent.”

“Right,” Millicent said. “Now, if you two will follow me…” The tour went quickly, and the more Amelia saw of the school the more she dreaded attending it. She slipped away when they got to the art classroom and went towards where she assumed Camilla’s office was. She knocked lightly at the door, then waited a moment and put her ear to the door.

“What are you doing?” Mels whispered from behind her, and she jumped a bit.

“I don’t want to be here,” Amy whispered back. “I’m going to tell her to convince Aunt Sharon to let me come home.”

“Well, skulking at the door isn’t going to do it,” Mels said, opening the door.

“…and I’ve got to get back!” a man was saying. Amy looked at him, and he looked at her, and they both yelped in surprise. “Oh. Hello there. This isn’t what it looks like, I swear.”

“You!” Amy said, her eyes narrowing at the Doctor, still in his tattered shirt and pants.

He had a confused look on his face, and then when it hit him who this girl was both his eyes and mouth widened. “Amelia?” he asked cautiously.

“You promised you’d come back!” Amy yelled at the man in front of her. “I waited outside all night for you!”

“I take it you two know each other,” Camilla said with an arched eyebrow, taking a sip from her cup.

“This is the girl I was telling you about,” he replied. “Amelia Pond. But…how did you get big? I’ve only been gone five minutes.”

“Try five years,” Amelia growled. “Five years, four psychiatrists, and a transfer.”

“She’s one of our newest students,” Camilla said.

“That’s the Doctor?” Mels asked.

“Yeah, that’s the lying bloke who caused me all the trouble,” Amy said, crossing her arms and glaring at him. “You were supposed to come back that night and take me on an adventure!”

“And it’s only been five minutes!” the Doctor exclaimed.

“Five years,” Amy said, getting closer.

“I believe you owe her an adventure,” Camilla said.

“Yeah. She waited!” Mels said.

“It’s still not quite right,” he replied. “It just crash-landed in Camilla’s office by mistake. See?” He pointed to where there had been a desk, and she saw the blue police box sitting on it. “It’s not safe enough to take you girls anywhere.”

“Where did you girls get—“ Millicent said from outside. “Oh!” she replied when she saw what was going on. “What on Earth is going on here?”

“Business,” Camilla said, waving her hand. “Why don’t you leave the girls here? This business concerns them.”

“All right then,” Millicent replied, shutting the door behind her.

“Well then,” Camilla said. “What do you need to fix your TARDIS so you can take young Miss Amelia on the adventure you owe her?”

“Parts from your garage,” he replied.

“I’m afraid I can’t let you get them yourself,” Camilla said, standing up. “Write out what you need and I shall go get them for you.” He dashed into the TARDIS, and emerged with three pieces of machinery. “I shall be back in a jiff. You should work this out before anyone else interrupts.” And with that, Camilla left.

“I swear, it was only five minutes ago that I left you,” he explained to Amy.

“And how do I know you’re not lying?” she asked.

He produced the apple she had carved for him and tossed it to her. She caught it, and ran her fingers over it. “You just did that less than a half hour ago. See? It isn’t even brown yet.”

She looked at it, her eyes widening, and then she smiled. “You aren’t lying!”

“I wouldn’t lie to you, Amelia,” he said. “And who is your friend?”

“Melody,” Mels said, going over to him. “You don’t look a lot like her drawings. You look much more delicious.”

“Mels,” Amy said, rolling her eyes. “She and Rory are the only people who believe me when I say you exist. Everyone else thinks I’m a bit daft,” she added, circling her finger around her ear. “But you’re real! You’re really real!”

“And as soon as I get the TARDIS fixed I’ll take you on an adventure,” he said. “You’ll be good here. I know the school has a reputation, but Camilla loves every girl here and she’ll make sure you come to no harm.”

“But she can’t protect us from the girls all the time,” Mels pointed out.

“But she won’t need to,” the Doctor replied. “I’ll make sure you stay safe. I answer calls. Not always right on time, but soon enough. Camilla has the number.”

“Can I go on the adventure?” Mels asked slowly.

“Yeah, can she?”

“I don’t see why not,” he replied. The two girls gave each other high fives. “As soon as I get the old girl fixed, I’ll pick you up tonight on the roof. I’m sure two enterprising young girls can find your way up there. What year is it?”

“2001,” Amy replied. “Five years, remember?”

“Five years, right, right,” he said with a nod. “Tonight, on the roof, at seven.”

“Seven it is. And if you’re not there we’ll beat you up,” Amy said.

“Then I’ll definitely not be late,” he replied. “So, what all has happened in five years?”

The three of them chatted until Camilla brought back the needed supplies. The Doctor took them, thanked her, told her about the promise for that evening and took off. Amy watched the TARDIS dematerialize and turned to Camilla. “How do you know him?”

“He’s a friend of the family,” she said. “So long as a Fritton has run this academy, he’s been there. My mother, bless her, introduced us when I was but a child. He looked different then, and has changed many times since I’ve known him, but he’s still the same man. A bit daft at times, but solid as a rock.” She smiled at them. “Now. Why don’t you get settled in? I will let it be known, through my own sources, that you two are to be…untouched…by those with more power than you.”

“Won’t that just make us bigger targets?”

“Not when I’m done,” she said. “Now go on. You still have classes to attend.”

The two girls picked up their things and stepped out into the hallway, talking excitedly. They stashed their things and made their way to what their first class was supposed to be. It was hard to get through the day, but the other girls left them alone. Kelly had come up to them at dinner and asked if they really knew The Doctor, like it was some rare thing. When Amy said she did, she squealed with delight and asked to know all the details. Other girls came around, and Amy told them the story of how he had crashed into her shed five years ago.

It seemed as though the girls in the school knew of him, and if he asked to meet you it was a real honor. All the Head Girls got one adventure with him, right before graduation. It was tradition. And they were getting an adventure on their first day! Everyone made them promise to tell them all about it, and the girls were accepted, just like that.

As seven o’clock neared, Amy and Mels made their way to the roof. Millicent went with them, just to be sure they were okay, and then left them alone as the clock struck seven. And then it appeared, the blue police box, and out stepped the Doctor, dressed all differently. He was wearing a tweed jacket, a white shirt, brown pants, suspenders and a bow tie. “You look odd,” Amy said.

“Not nearly as delicious as before,” Mels said.

“Well, you’re too young to be having those kinds of thoughts,” he said. “So I traveled a little forward in time, took care of a problem in Leadworth, checked on a few things…and made it back here at seven on the nose.” He grinned at them and they grinned back. “Now, then. Would you like to see my home?”

“Yes!” they said simultaneously. He moved to the side and motioned for them to come in. They went inside and both of their eyes went wide. “It’s bigger,” Mels breathed.

“Of course it is,” Amy said, rolling her eyes and scoffing slightly. “How else would a swimming pool fit in the library?”

“Well, girls,” he said, and they turned to him. “All of time and space, everywhere and anywhere, every star that ever was. Where do you want to start?"

They looked at each other. “The future!” they chorused.

“The future it is, then!” he said, going to the controls. “Girls, hold on tight. 2012, here we come!”

[angstmatsuscenarios]

Todo and Jyushi are out and about until a group of thugs grab Totty and start bullying him and they attempt to mug him. Jyushi gets angry and beats them up but is caught off guard when more can me and give Totty minor injuries but give Jyushi serious ones resulting in broken bones and internal injuries. At the hospital Jyushi is told he can’t play baseball for a while and he’s gonna be wheelchair bound for a while. Jyushi was just protecting his little brother

Here we go, hopefully you enjoy this! Writing brawl scenes especially involving thugs is sort of difficult but I did my best…poor Jyushi.

WARNING for mentions of fighting, mugging, violence, blood, and injuries under the cut:

The day had started nicely enough.

Jyushimatsu and Todomatsu had left in the morning with plans to have a fun day out, because it had been awhile since the two youngest siblings had bonded like that. And it was fun for both of them, since they’d each picked an activity they liked. They played baseball in the park for an hour at Jyushimatsu’s request, and although it wasn’t Todomatsu’s favorite hobby he had to admit he enjoyed it enough. Then they’d gone to a cafe for frappuccinos and then went shopping for awhile, since that was Todomatsu’s passion, and even though looking at clothes was a little boring for Jyushimatsu he didn’t mind much.

By mid-afternoon they were walking home together, Todomatsu cheerfully swinging his shopping bag at his side as he and Jyushimatsu chatted about a movie they were considering seeing. The sun was already beginning to set, casting long shadows across the sidewalk.

It was when they were just a few blocks away from home that it happened. They were walking past an alley when suddenly an intimidating-looking group of thugs descended upon them, and before they could react yanked the two brothers into the dark alley with them.

“Hey! What’re you–” Todomatsu’s protest was cut off by a sharp yelp as he was thrown roughly to the hard floor.

“Totty!” Jyushimatsu cried frantically from somewhere nearby. Todomatsu couldn’t see him–the second he tried to sit up, one of the thugs pressed his foot against his chest, pushing him against the ground and knocking the wind out of him.

“Looks like we caught ourselves a little pink shrimp, eh?” the thug cackled, smirking menacingly at Todomatsu. He removed his foot from Todomatsu’s chest, but before Todomatsu could roll away the thug reared back and kicked him in the side. Todomatsu gasped and curled up in a ball as pain exploded in his ribs.

“Totty!” Jyushimatsu screamed again, more desperately this time. “Leave my brother alone!”

“Shut up!” one of the thugs barked. Todomatsu heard a thump and a pained cry, and could only assume the thug had hurt his brother. His stomach twisted in fear.

“Look, shrimp, we ain’t out to do anything to you, as long as you’re willing to cooperate,” the thug who’d knocked him down said, crouching down to Todomatsu’s level and looking him directly in the eye. “Just hand over your wallet and the shopping bag, and we’ll let you go.”

“M-my shopping bag?” Todomatsu clutched the bag to his chest with trembling arms.

“Yeah, so just give it over, shrimp boy, and we won’t hurt ya.” The thug grabbed for the bag, wrapping his fingers around the handle.

But before he could yank it from Todomatsu’s grasp, a yellow blur streaked by and knocked him over, causing him to scream. Todomatsu scrambled to sit up, watching as Jyushimatsu hurled himself at Todomatsu’s attacker and pinned him down, punching him in the face.

“Don’t you ever touch my little brother like that!” he shouted angrily, landing a second blow to the thug’s face before he could duck away. Todomatsu had never seen Jyushimatsu so furious, the smile wiped clean from his face and replaced with an expression of rage that was alarming on the fifth brother.

“Jyushi…” Todomatsu’s eyes widened in horror as he spotted another thug approach his brother from behind, hands curled into fists. “Jyushimatsu, watch out!”

The warning came too late. The thug delivered a sharp blow that knocked Jyushimatsu off the other thug, making him land hard on the floor.

Jyushimatsu couldn’t be held down for long, though. In a matter of seconds he’d launched himself back to his feet and was relentlessly pummeling the second thug with punches. He was almost manic in how he was attacking, and if it hadn’t have been in his defense Todomatsu would have been terrified of him.

Todomatsu scrambled backward, out of the way of the brawl as Jyushimatsu took on all the thugs at once. Todomatsu had been too distracted to count how many there were of them at first, but now he saw there were at least four of them, all big and ready to throw down. Jyushimatsu was fighting hard from what Todomatsu could see, his vision blocked as everyone moved and scrambled to hit each other.

But then it happened, so fast that Todomatsu couldn’t scream out a warning in time. One of the thugs seized Jyushimatsu’s baseball bat, which he’d ditched on the floor in the confusion of the attack, and smacked him in the side of the head with it. Todomatsu could see Jyushimatsu’s body suddenly go limp as he collapsed, and the other thugs encroached on him, beating him right before Todomatsu’s eyes.

“Stop….no, stop!!” Todomatsu screeched, finally finding his voice. He whipped out his wallet and hurled it and the shopping bag to the floor. “T-take it! Take everything! Just leave my brother and I alone!”

Everything happened in a blur. The thugs finally backed off of Jyushimatsu, leaving him passed out on the floor. They snatched up Todomatsu’s belongings, shooting him such a death glare it made him feel sick, and then fled from the scene.

Todomatsu could only sit there for a minute, trembling with fear, until it registered with him that Jyushimatsu still hadn’t moved again. He was perfectly still—Todomatsu couldn’t even see him breathing. His body went ice cold, and he bolted to his feet and raced over to his big brother.

“Jyushimatsu-Nissan!” he screamed, his voice breaking. Jyushimatsu was beaten and bloody, bruised all over and definitely had some broken bones. His eyes were shut, and now that he was close Todomatsu could see his chest rise slightly with shallow breaths.

“Jyushi….” Todomatsu dropped to his knees next to Jyushimatsu, his own breaths quick and uneven. “Jyushi…please, wake up…I-I need to make sure you’re okay…”

Jyushimatsu didn’t so much as flutter an eyelid.

—————

Todomatsu was grateful his phone hadn’t been stolen in the traumatic ordeal. He called an ambulance as fast as he could, and then the rest of his family to tell them they needed to rush to the emergency room. He had to remain calm and in control, but inside it felt like his heart was shattering.

The wait at the hospital was more excruciating than any other they’d ever suffered. Todomatsu couldn’t sit still, pacing back and forth across the room, thinking how this was all his fault.

Jyushimatsu saved me…he didn’t have to, but he did it anyway. If he hadn’t have done that, maybe he’d be okay right now…it’s all my fault…

His thoughts were silenced momentarily when the doctor finally arrived to talk to them, but only momentarily. The doctor reported in his no-nonsense way that Jyushimatsu had suffered from broken bones and internal injuries, and would require surgery. The thought of his poor brother, winding up in the hospital and needing an operation just because he was protecting him, made Todomatsu’s heart break.

Although he needed to go into surgery soon, the doctor allowed each family member to meet with Jyushimatsu for a few minutes, now that he was awake. Todomatsu asked if he could go last, buying time so he could think of what to say to Jyushimatsu.

But…what can you say to the person who risked their life to save yours?

When it was his turn, Todomatsu held his breath as he entered Jyushimatsu’s hospital room, not knowing what to expect. Jyushimatsu looked horrible, just as Todomatsu had remembered, but at least he was conscious now.

“Jyushimatsu….hi,” Todomatsu began, his voice a hushed whisper.

Jyushimatsu tilted his head in Todomatsu’s direction, giving him a weak smile. “Totty…” he said groggily, worn out from a combination of his injuries and painkillers.

“How are you…?” It was a stupid question under the circumstances, and Todomatsu regretted asking it as soon as it was out of his mouth.

Jyushimatsu didn’t answer right away, glancing back out the window, even though night had fallen by now and there wasn’t much to see.

“The doctor said I’d be in a wheelchair for awhile,” he began slowly. “That my legs are broken. And he said it might be a long time before I can play baseball again, too.”

Tears sprang up in Todomatsu’s eyes, and he rushed to his brother’s bedside. “Nii-san, I’m so sorry!” he wailed, voice shaking. “It’s my fault! If you hadn’t had to save me from those thugs, this never would have happened…you wouldn’t be so hurt right now, and…” His voice trailed off as he dissolved into tears.

“Todomatsu…” Jyushimatsu whispered huskily, and when Todomatsu gaze upward to meet his eyes he saw his older brother was tearing up, too. “It’s not your fault. They attacked us, and I wanted to protect you. That isn’t your fault at all!”

“Jyushimatsu…you’re such a good brother,” Todomatsu said through a sniffle, rubbing his teary eyes. “I don’t deserve it…I don’t…”

“Ah, excuse me,” the doctor intercepted then, entering the room and casting the two of them a somber look. “We need to take Jyushimatsu to surgery now.”

Todomatsu sniffed and nodded slowly, then turned back to Jyushimatsu.

“I love you, Jyushimatsu-niisan,” he whispered, choked up. He brushed more tears from his eyes. “Please, be okay.”

The doctor wheeled Jyushimatsu out of the room then, but as he disappeared from view Todomatsu thought he could hear Jyushimatsu’s response.

“I love you too, Totty.”

[sugoi-writes]

Matsus reaction to female s/o wearing a black male suit? (She's cross-dressing, but her hair is still normal) please? >.

(Bwuh, uhhm, I’ll try to take this in the context that the female s/o is cosplaying a Drag King, etc. because that context makes this ask a little better to me. Or perhaps if that’s how people truly embrace it or call it, that’s fine. I just hope that this will not offend anyone! Clothes are just clothes to me, and don’t really match a gender label, but uh. Yeah! Interpret this as you wish! 

Sorry, maybe it’s just the way I read it? I’m sure you meant no harm by it! Here is some scenarios, tho!) 

Osomatsu

He would probably walk in on their s/o in the middle of getting ready. They know they have a show today, some sort of convention, or what have you. Not once did it cross his mind to knock. Although, he’s pleasantly surprised. 

His s/o looks really shapely in a tuxedo, despite the fact that she had hoped to hide ever inch of curves on her body. He would definitely be bold, and walk right up to her, and depending on the context of the situation, he’d probably say something corny like “Hey Handsome~” if you were further along. Oso doesn’t have a specific preference with his s/o physical attributes, be it sexual orientation, gender, what have you. 

But this guy will gobble her up if she let him. He secretly likes the nice and sleek look, due to how much it can contrast against his own. And he feels like she would look SO good against him. If the two of them ended up kissing, fooling around, etc., he would DEFINITELY let her finish getting ready AFTER she promises to wear this for him again.

Karamatsu

Oh boy. Does this man care about his own looks and fashion. But to see his wonderful honey, in something so… sophisticated? He would probably melt. Don’t blame him if he suddenly gets a little embarrassed, unable to look away. If she invites him closer, he would smile down to her, taking her chin,” My love, never hide yourself, or your beautiful body… I understand that this makes you feel comfortable, but always remember your natural radiance is just as captivating~” He’ll try to woo his s/o so that she couldn’t see what she was doing to him. He’s intoxicated by it all. It makes him want to dance with his s/o, and have her in his arms, basking in her looks. 

“That’s my s/o!,” he would say,” That’s my beautiful, heavenly Karamatsu Love~”

She’d have to shoo him away, but much like Osomatsu, he would love to see her in this again. Honestly, if she were to model some more attire for him, he would die. He’d want to throw a little fashion show for her, and is WAY more willing to let you steal his stuff. Especially if it makes his s/o happy! He aims to please, and will embrace any hobby or lifestyle that she chooses.

Choromatsu 

I feel like with our frog prince, he would also have no qualms (will any of the matsus have any, though?) with his s/o dressing up like this. He will be surprised, sure, and try to run out of the room out of embarrassment… but he certainly will support his s/o in all of her endeavors. He hates interrupting things, and would apologize profusely.

With him, he would think that she would look cute at first, maybe thinking that the suit was a little bit too much, but… it would really grow on him. And she would look DAMN cute in it (even if she was going for the more “masculine” look). He would often compliment her, and ask if she needed to borrow anything. Hair gel, cuff links, undershirts, dress shoes, corsages, ties, the works. He would be as supportive, fashion wise, as Karamatsu. Although, I would say Choro’s attire is definitely more professional looking at the end of the day, and may be more fitting for a business meeting. Aka: maybe a little much for a hobby or even an everyday lifestyle. 

He’s always around to help, though, and will learn to freaking knock from now on. Don’t blame him if he may ask to get a picture of you. He loves being able to brag to Totty and Kara that HE helped his s/o, and HE was just a fashionable, dammit! So take THAT, you shitheads!!! 

…Ahem. Yes. Green bean is a good bean.

Ichimatsu

This would be something that took Ichi FOREVER to notice. He doesn’t care about clothes all that much, and honestly, his is usually in tatters somehow. But, when his s/o stumbles across him in the hallway or something, he’ll kind of pause, blinking. Why did it take him this long to notice? Out of all the brothers, he will be one of the few to NOT make a big deal of things. It’s just nice.

He’ll blush, yeah, and maybe ask you why you were doing it. And if he gets a little invasive, he’ll apologize, and pat you on the shoulder.

“It suits you. You should wear what makes you happy… even if it makes me more trashy.” If his s/o pulls him in for a hug, he’ll get all blush and not remember how to hug properly. You do look pretty dabber, and honestly… if his s/o ever left the house, he would sneak into their room and try on their clothes, if he could. If not, he would probably just stare in awe. This was a lot of cool stuff! He may even be a bit jealous!

He’ll get defensive if his s/o insists on helping him, still scarred by the Karamatsu experience… but as long as he wouldn’t get teased, he’ll eventually give in. The both of you can show off your new looks, and Ichi will gain some confidence. He’ll think that his s/o is perfect the way she is, and won’t expect her to dress like this constantly, or on dates. But it’s a pleasant surprise. It will definitely be appreciated, and returned somehow. 

Jyushimatsu

“Hah? Where are your boobies?” 

He may scare the ever-living daylights out of his s/o at first. And like Ichi, he may question her a lot. Where did she get the stuff? Did it cost a lot? Why? What for? When did she start? 

It’s all innocent questions at the end of the day, and though he may not completely understand his s/o’s reasons, he is okay with it! He likes seeing his s/o smile, and if wearing nice stuff makes her happy, he’s happy too! He won’t be able to help much, because his s/o is usually the one to help him look decent, but he will give her an honest opinion if she asks for one. 

And he will always be happy to go get his s/o something, whether she forgot something at home or in another room. He likes seeing his s/o in his clothes anyway, so this is kind of similar to him. He gets a little excited to see you strut out in something, and will be sure to let you know. He’s like a little puppy, and likes following you around if you go into town, being sure no one hits on you or anything. S/o may look cute, but you were his s/o!

If you’re in a community that shuns this sort of thing, because of bigots, he will be the one to shut it down, and protectively keep you out of harms way, whether it’s nasty people or ridicule. He’ll be sure to take you out for food if something were to happen, and give you lots of kisses! It isn’t weird, and no one should make it feel weird to make you feel bad! 

He loves you so much, and will do anything to make that smile on your face shine on through!

Todomatsu

Ahhh I don’t want to copy/paste, but Totty will react very similarly to Karamatsu in some ways. He will get pretty flustered, but he can’t be too bold with you looking like this. If his s/o really pulled out the stops on their look, don’t be surprised to see him shaking in the knees. He’s a complete SUCKER for suits. He will collapse if his s/o leaves the top two or so buttons unbuttoned, going for a more sensual look. 

Need shoes? He’s on it. Cuff links? Bribe Choromatsu for them. Hair gel? Set Karamatsu’s on fire, and gets his s/o her own bottle. His lovely s/o is experimenting with her fashion!!! There’s no way he couldn’t embrace that! Watch out, he may get a little overbearing. He will absolutely BEG to take pictures of his s/o, and spread the photos like wildfire, if he gets permission. If not, they are his secret treasures, and he’ll hold them dear to his heart.

His s/o looks so good, he will try to flaunt his DAMNEST to show you off. He may offer to take his s/o for some dinner. He may eventually get a bit bolder, and try dancing with you, purposely going to a place where the lights are low, and there’s great music. It makes him really happy to see her try things that make her comfortable. And it makes his heart swell, because his s/o can pull off a suit WAY better than a lot of people he’s known. He will 11/10 support you, but don’t get too caught up in Totty’s praise and whirlwind of social media spamming. He’ll convince you to wear this way more often, if you aren’t careful~ It’s a really easy way to get his blood bumping, if you pull this stunt on him.

[chocolairdeaisu]

My reactions on Osomatsu-san season 2, episode 1:

 - Que the 4th wall breaking! Right off the bat from episode 1. And excess animation in certain parts of the episode  - They become real thrash  - Maji de kimoi  - Ichimatsu-sama lost it!  - The reality of merchandise pre-production  - Iyami & Chibita: *bleeding tears*    Me: *same*  - I cannot un-see certain things I don't wanna see  - Them being proper, changed the housing development in Japan!  - I ship Osomatsu with that wife   - They properly delve into the popular theme for shoujo anime parody.  - Ichimatsu went western  - Too much "chanto". And yeah, I'm having Ultraman nostalgia with that song  - They don't have to burn the house!

My reactions on Osomatsu-san season 2, episode 2:

 - Yeah! Step up mom and dad! Cut those chikubi!!  - SHOW NO MERCY!  - Choromatsu, the high expectation son.  - Osomatsu: Our parents has finally give up on me.    Me: That's not a good thing, kuzu  - I feel your pain Chibita  - I cannot take them seriously when they’re butt naked  - Oh, Iyami does look fancy in this episode  - Ohh, their savage is on!  - Wow they even brought containers!  - That is not how blood vessels work in the human body, but eww  - Todomatsu, how do you pump blood all over your body then!? A heartless guy!  - So disturbing!!! Its... so... what... eh...!! *I'm speechlessly disturb*

My reactions on Osomatsu-san season 2, episode 3:

 - The subtitles are breaking the 4th wall. What!? XD  - Even as Cavemen they are still thrash  - How did Totty even did that!? So much glitter! Its a smartphone!?  - When you make a dirty joke, without a single understandable dialogue:    Osomatsu-san level!  - Sasuga Chorofappyski!  - Ohhh, I know that feeling/situation  - Gambatte futaritomo!!!  - Their interaction is so precious!!! But its so awkward, I wanna die!  - Honesty = Insulting each other  - This heart to heart is actually quite healthy... and probably will never happen again for the rest of their lives. But now they know the brother to go to when they need to consult something  - Ichimatsu lives everyday hating happiness? Honto!?  - *3 minutes later*    Honesty = Spilling embarrassing secrets about themselves  - Their saviors have come back!!!  - Is Shouei-san a parody of someone? Probably.    Oh wait, I googled it. Its not a parody, its actually a cameo by the actor himself.    Amazing! How did Studio Pierrot pulled that off!?  - Give it up Totoko-chan  - Ehhhh!?!?!?!?!?! WTH!?!?!?!?! Shouei nii-san te nani!?  - Shouei-san must be lonely in show biz, that's why he can relate to the kuzu-sextuplets so much XD

[jyushimatsu-falls-in-love]

s2ep10: a little respect

♪ So-o-oul, I hear you call-iiiiiing Oh baby, pleeeease... Give a little respe-ect, toooooo meeeeee! ♪ - “A Little Respect” by Erasure, which seems to be this week’s theme song :P

[SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT!]

The first of this week’s three skits is “Karamatsu and Brothers”, which I know nearly everyone was looking forward to. After all, Kara’s the fan favorite both here and in the Japanese fandom, where recently he’s won the top spot in a recent magazine’s favorite characters poll; does it live up to everyone’s standards?!

The skit opens with Totty asking Choro to buy him a soda, which Choro refuses to do in a very aggressive manner. I like how Totty described Choro here - “You act like an honor student, but you’re really just a delinquent!”; it succinctly summarizes Choro’s character well enough :P 

Luckily for Totty, Kara comes to the rescue and offers to buy his soda for him! And after Totty gets his soda, he calls Kara “nice” and “reliable”, which makes Kara feel very happy and sparkly :P

Then everyone else starts asking Kara to do things for them: Starting with Oso, who asks Kara to do his chores in his stead; then Jyushi asks the same thing, then Ichi, then all of a sudden everyone except Choro is asking Kara to do something for him. And Kara says yes, he’ll do them! He’ll do anything his brothers ask him, they can rely on him!!

At this point Choro steps in, and scolds the others for putting so much on Kara. He even scolds Kara a bit for not standing up for himself. Honestly these little moments of Choro stepping in for his family members’ sakes (approaching Matsuzo about his problem in S2Ep4, now telling the others to lay off Kara in this ep.) are very nice; he really can be a good son and brother, after all ;v; And to the other brothers’ credit, they do feel bad for piling so much on Kara after realizing it - but then Kara protests and assures them no, it’s okay, he likes it when the brothers ask him to do stuff, it’s perfectly fine!! And with that assurance, the others go back to treating him like a work horse :P

Later, up on the rooftop, Kara confesses to Choro the truth - he actually hates it when the others ask him to do so much for them, so much that he could either die or kill them. When asked about why can’t just say “no” to them, Kara puts on the cool act and says that it’s because he’s such a nice guy~ But Choro quickly gets that the real reason Kara can’t say “no” is because beneath the painful guy act, he’s really just a timid wimp who can’t stand up for himself :P

Honesty Tidbit # 1: I never thought I’d actually say this, but... Kara’s situation was oddly relatable to me in some aspects. My family members - especially my sister - ask me to do things for them, get things for them, etc. all the time. And even when I don’t want to do them, I do them anyway orz (The difference between me and Kara is that unlike him, I usually complain first before doing them :P) To be fair, since I’m a NEET and no one else is, I guess it makes sense that I’m asked to do things for everyone while they’re doing work or resting from work. But still, it’s annoying...

Honesty Tidbit # 2: I can already see the annoying part of the fandom latching onto the fact that Kara’s a bit of a pushover and using that to further push the “pwecious sad woobie” fanon interpretation orz I’m really not looking forward to it...

So Choro tries to be a good brother again and offers to help Kara practice saying “no” to his brothers. However, he ends up getting sidetracked haha :P I find it interesting that Kara actually can’t recognize Choro’s caricatures of the others, even with each one’s more obvious attributes (”horse races” and “boobs” for Oso, “cats” and “killing you all” for Ichi, “baseball” and “BOEH” for Jyushi) mentioned. It makes me wonder, does Kara view and identify his brothers differently from how Choro (and the audience) does? If that’s the case, then how does he view and identify them? ...Or maybe Choro’s caricatures just too exaggerated for him haha

In the end, though, they go and tell the brothers Kara’s true feelings on the matter. And in a very nice moment, the brothers actually backed off once they knew that Kara didn’t actually like being asked what to do (they even said, “Why didn’t you tell us that you wanted us to stop?”), recognized that they really did keep asking him because they knew he wouldn’t say no, and sincerely apologized for it and promised not to do it anymore. Despite what fanon tends to say, the brothers really do care for Kara after all. I’m very glad that’s the case ;v;

...and then the others proceed to make Choro take Kara’s place as the errand boy :P Choro angrily protests, asks for Kara’s help... and Kara refuses and leaves him to fend for himself with a “Good luck~” PFFFFFFFFFFFFFF. Of all times for Kara to decide to say “no”... I guess no good deed goes unpunished when your name’s Matsuno Choromatsu :P

This was a good skit! A good Choro, good Suiriku interaction, the brothers proving fanon wrong... What’s not to love? :’)

The second skit, “New Employee Totoko”, is exactly what it says on the tin - in an office AU, Totoko is the newly hired employee, with Totty being her superior. The skit is already interesting to me because of Totty having the role of the boss/leader/department head in this skit; he doesn’t usually take on these roles IIRC. It fits the ambitious side of his personality though, so I’m not complaining :) He’s also taking his job really seriously in this skit, and certainly acts like how you’d expect a boss/leader/department head to act. It ends up making him a pretty good tsukkomi to Totoko’s antics :P

Speaking of Totoko, she was pretty neat here too! For one thing, her hairstyle as a newbie employee is really nice ;v; It’s her first day working in Akatsuka Tradings, but already she’s causing problems for her superior - first off, she won’t come over when Totty calls her over to his desk. Her excuse is that nobody told her that that’s what she had to do, so she didn’t do it :P Then Totty gives her a document to work on, which he tells her should be finished before lunch - but she doesn’t finish it at all by then, her excuse being that she hasn’t used the programs before, hasn’t done this sort of computing before, etc. Totty ends up having to do the work himself. Then, since Totty did her work for her, Totoko ended up spending her office time updating her social media and sleeping on the job... Again she uses her inexperience as an excuse... Yeah, Totoko’s not exactly the ideal employee for anyone working as a department head :P

I wonder if I can say that I’d be like Totoko if I were in an office setting? :P Again I’m a NEET so I don’t have any job experience... But if my memories of school, college, the two-week internship I had when I was in college, etc. are anything to go by, I know I’d be utterly useless when left to my devices and would always have to ask for help and instructions before I could be set on doing anything orz That, and I get distracted easily, I lose motivation easily, I stay up late... Yeah, Totoko is rather relatable here as well and I’m not proud to admit it orz

Totty ends up having to give Totoko a stern talking to, saying that since she’s new he’ll do his best to help her, but she’s still gotta put in the work herself. They agree to work hard, their conversation ends on a good note, Totty shows off his own version of Kara’s bishie eyes...

...and at the end of the day, Totoko quits her job :P Though Totty begs her to stay, and after his begging she says she’ll stay and even starts saying these cheesy, so-cliche-that-they’re-clearly-bullshit lines about how she’ll do a good job from now on... And then she ditches her job without saying goodbye :P Totty’s very upset about this. Ichiko and Jyushiko (?!) showing up and proving to be better employees doesn’t really help matters either, and it proves at the end that Totty won’t accept “uggos” and wants to work with a cute girl like Yowai-kun :P Ah, classic Totty

And finally, the last skit, “Dubbingmatsu-san”. A couple of unknown people who do unknown work in the Osomatsu-san anime enter a lavishly decorated room filled with food, comfy sofas, and pretty girls in bikinis. What’s all this for? It’s to receive the sextuplets, who are coming in to dub the anime of course! The sextuplets enter wearing various things to conceal their identities to the public - each one increasingly ridiculous than the last - and after a few minutes’ rest, they start to read and practice their lines before they start recording. And during practice, it never seems to be good enough...!!

It becomes clear that this skit actually isn’t about the boys at all - it’s a meta piece about their seiyuu, with the boys kinda-sorta acting as the main six seiyuu’s avatars instead of being themselves. Or at least, that’s how I like to think of this skit :P There are references to seiyuu having to take care of their voices - the boys have humidifiers with them to keep their vocal chords working, and even have back-up surgery implants for their throats in case the worst happens! 

And then the boys start practicing their lines and beating themselves up for not meeting their own high standards - the part I really lost it was when Totty yelled, “What did I go study abroad for?!”, which is a reference to Miyu Irino going abroad earlier this year to pursue his theatre studies. It makes me wonder now if the stuff the others were saying while they were beating themselves up were references to their own seiyuu themselves?? Meanwhile Ichi’s/Jun’s just practicing his stabbing skills. Good job Ichi/Jun Also can we please exploit Miyu Irino’s English skills in S2 already

Then recording’s about to begin - with the boys completely naked of course, can’t risk any clothes ruffling making any noise! - and after some chants, they start dubbing over the provided images. And apparently, they’re so good that they can ad-lib and almost change the script entirely, and it’d be okay! They didn’t even need to do any retakes - the boys/seiyuu are just that good!! They’re professionals!!!

It’s interesting to see Ososan’s (fictionalized and exaggerated for comedy’s sake) take on the recording process of anime. It certainly matches up with some of the things I remember reading in interviews with the seiyuu before. In the end, this skit is a silly and irreverent but affectionate love letter to the guys who bring our loveable six same shitheads to life. I can’t help but wonder how Sakurai/Nakamura/Kamiya/Fukuyama/Ono/Irino all felt while recording this skit. Were they embarrassed? Happy? A little proud? I hope someone asks about that skit either in an interview or in a post-Cour 1 commentary reel, like last season’s.

Finally recording ends, and the boys head home - each going home with a hefty sum of yen in one hand, a pretty bikini girl on one arm, and in each one’s personal private helicopter. I... am pretty sure this bit is an exaggeration, there’s no way anyone would actually go home in a private helicopter unless they’re that stinkin’ rich and famous :P But hey, the boys did a good job, they’re happy, the anime staff is happy, we get a quality anime because of everyone’s hard work, therefore everyone’s happy.

“Who would’ve thought such professionals were behind those shitty episodes that air on TV?” “Makes you respect them even more.”

So in conclusion, thank you to Sakurai & Nakamura & Kamiya & Fukuyama & Ono & Irino (& don’t forget Suzumura & Kokuryu & Endo & Saito & Ueda & Tobita & Inoue & Kujira & Yamashita &...) for everything that you do for this shitty anime!! \( ; v ; )/ It wouldn’t be the same without you, thank you for your hard work! ♥♥♥♥♥♥

All in all, this week’s episode was pretty great! I enjoyed it thoroughly and was invested all throughout. I think my favorites would be a tie between “Karamatsu and Brother” (surprisingly!) and “Dubbingmatsu-san” - on one hand, we have solid Suiriku and brotherly care on many sides; on the other we have meta and a silly but sweet nod to the professionals who make the anime come to life. But even “New Employee Totoko” is solid for the roles the characters play alone! So yes, all in all, this week was a good week, and I’m greatly looking forward to next week’s fare ^^

I’m actually really, really excited for next week because - HORROR(HOUSE)MATSU!!! While I’m not really big on the horror genre as a whole, I like the idea of throwing out favorite NEETs into scary situations. And a haunted house is perfect for it >:) The title is “Chibita’s Revenge”, so Chibita's definitely gonna have some sort of hand in all of the spooky shenanigans... Does he have friends on the other side?! :0

Aaaaah, next Matsu Monday can’t come soon enough! ♥

[whumpmatsus]

Ooo my bad, maybe Jyushi gets a stomach ache and Kara tends to him? Giving him water or something to ease the pain. Or getting him to lay down and rest!

aaaaaaa I love them 😭

-

To be completely fair to Karamatsu, his choice of restaurant isn’t really to blame for Jyushimatsu’s appetite.

In fact, it’s debatable that even Jyushimatsu is to blame for his appetite. It’s more the fact that he just eats so fastthat it would be a miracle if his brain registers that he’s had a whole meal before he goes back for more. Typically by the time he processes that he’s full, he’s had two or three more servings.

It’s no wonder that he often ends up with a stomachache if he’s given the chance to inhale more food than he really should. Most of the time, though, it quiets down after a little bit of relaxing and maybe a tummy rub from one of his brothers.

Of course, while the two of them are out at a fast food place, it’s not like they can just lie down in the middle of the floor and try to chill. … Well, they could,but they’d probably end up getting kicked out before making any significant progress.

So the second Jyushimatsu gets a little pale and complains that he’s not feeling too well, Karamatsu’s first immediate thought is along the lines of, We’re fucked.

And in Jyushimatsu’s defense, Karamatsu should have been a better big brother and cautioned him against ordering as much food as he did. Even if he had, however, what else could he have done except give a warning? Jyushimatsu’s an adult, it’s his money from the allowance Dad gave him, and he can make his own choices, can’t he? Or at least he should be expected to. He probably wouldn’t take being bossed around and told what to do, and it’s not like anyone can forcehim.

As usual, though, Karamatsu has let one of his little brothers down. The least he can do is try to make it up by figuring a quick way out of the situation. He springs to his feet, setting a hand down on Jyushimatsu’s shoulder. If they need to move fast, he should be prepared. “Alright, you don’t feel well. Understood, dear brother. Is it your stomach?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Alright… how bad does it feel?”

Jyushimatsu ponders the question for a second, before holding up both hands, covered by his condiment-stained sleeves, over his mouth. “Um. Gonna… gonna throw up.”

Shit.Karamatsu knows his little brother wouldn’t say something so decisive without knowing that yeah, he’s about to hurl. “Alright, let’s get up. Do you want to go to the bathroom here or try to make it to the car where I believe I have a plastic bag?”

It almost looks like he’s considering the possibility that he could make it to the car, then suddenly his face turns a bit green. “― Bathroom!”

That one word combined with his younger brother’s urgent expression and tone of voice spur Karamatsu into action. He moves like lightning, pulling Jyushimatsu to his feet and practically dragging the other man toward the tiny partition on the other side of the counter.

A three-part harmony shriek of horror tells him he probably should have paid more attention to the signs on the doors. He offers a hasty apology to the offended ladies inside as he yanks his brother away from the door. (Although he knows Jyushimatsu is desperate, even this kind of emergency doesn’t constitute staying in the women’s restroomto puke.) As soon as he does, Jyushimatsu gags into his hands and Karamatsu knows they don’t have much time. Once Jyushimatsu starts making audible sounds like that, the full event isn’t too far away.

“I-it’s alright, it’s alright,” he tries to reassure as he tugs Jyushimatsu into the men’s restroom. “If you can wait a second, we’re nearly there!”

He does his best, but they never even make it into a stall. Once the door closes, Jyushimatsu stumbles toward the mirrors… and proceeds to vomit into the sink. Geez.Karamatsu feels himself wince at the thought of the poor worker making like ¥100 an hour who’ll have to clean this up.

Well, he can’t focus on that part right now. This can’t be pleasant for Jyushimatsu either, obviously.

The sound of everything he’s just eaten splattering against the edges of the sink is no match for the way he’s retching and sputtering. It looks like he started out trying to brace himself with both hands clutching the countertop; now, he’s sunk to only having his elbows propping him up, both hands up against the side of his head.

Karamatsu sets a gentle hand on his brother’s back, trying to be of some little comfort while his entire meal comes back up. Though he can’t remember Jyushimatsu ever eating himself sick like this before, he supposes it was bound to happen sooner or later with the way the fifth oldest tends to shovel food down.

He wants to think this memory of his stomach turning itself inside out will serve as a lesson to slow down in the future. To be mindful of how fast and how much he’s eating. Even someone as hopelessly delusional as Karamatsu has to acknowledge that’s a long shot, though.

After a moment the gagging and heaving finally dies down. Jyushimatsu is left gasping as he tries to get his breath back. When Karamatsu peeks over, he sees that there are tears starting to roll down his little brother’s face.

That earns an extra few seconds of back-rubbing from Karamatsu out of pure pity that this was either emotionally draining or physically forceful enough to make Jyushimatsu cry. “Aaah, my little Jyushimatsu,” he hums. “Does it feel a little better now that you’ve been sick?”

He nods weakly. “A little. I… think I ate too much, Karamatsu-nii-san.”

“Hmph, I think so, too.” Karamatsu reaches over to grab a handful of paper towels, pressing them to Jyushimatsu’s mouth. “Next time you might eat a bit slower or listen to your big brother telling you not to eat so much. But… it’s alright. What else are big brothers for, but to care for their younger brothers? I think perhaps we should go home.”

“Mhm, yeah. I wanna lie down and snuggle a pillow against my stomach.”

Well, that certainly sounds like a plan. “Alright, then. How about a drink for the ride home? Something easy to settle your stomach.”

“Ooh… Sprite?”

“Mh, I think they have that.” He gives an affectionate squeeze to Jyushimatsu’s shoulder. “Will you be okay by yourself for a moment while I go get that and dispose of the trash we left on the table?”

“Yeah, mhm. I’ll hold onto the counter.”

Ah. Yeah. That’s a relief. At least it’ll keep him from getting dizzy or passing out if he tries to move on his own. “Good! I’ll be back before you know it.”

Karamatsu can’t apologize enough to the person working at the counter of this place, telling them that his baby brother threw up in the bathroom sink and he’d clean it up if he could but he should get his brother home just in case andalsoasmallSpritetogoplease?

For once, he can kind of understand why people think he’s painful. The cashier has this blank look before muttering, “Excruciating…”and ringing him out for the drink. He kind of wishes the floor would open up and swallow him and he’s pretty sure he now knows how Ichimatsu feels when talking to people all the damn time. He’s surprised he doesn’t just burst into flames from the sheer awkwardness.

After a bunch of apologies, he manages to herd Jyushimatsu into the car so they can head home. He does find a plastic bag for his brother to hold, just in case he feels like throwing up again, just until they get back.

To his credit, Jyushimatsu is calm as can be on the ride home. He sips at his Sprite and closes his eyes so he doesn’t feel motion sick and hums along quietly to the radio. He’s so cooperative Karamatsu wants to ask who the hell he is and what he’s done with Jyushimatsu.

When they walk into the house, he ushers Jyushimatsu through the main rooms, up the stairs, and onto the couch in the spare room. The others save for Totty are spread out among the floor; Choromatsu and Osomatsu seem to be reading, and Ichimatsu has a cat cradled up in his arms… wrapped in one of Karamatsu’s shirts. Fantastic. Nothing like cat hair all over his clothes so he’ll be all itchy and sneezy when he decides to try and steal it back.

As he tries to get his brother set up on the couch, Choromatsu seems to fully realize what’s going on. “Oh, hey, you two are back. That was pretty fast. Uh… is Jyushimatsu okay?”

Jyushimatsu waves his hands in the air. “I threw up!”

“Tch.” Ichimatsu shifts in position, stretching one leg out. “That’s what you guys get for going to a shitty burger place. Next time just eat here where the food’s free and won’t make you hurl.”

Karamatsu plops down onto the floor in front of the couch, and is promptly slapped over the shoulder by one of Jyushimatsu’s jellylike arms. “Hmph… as I’m still spectacular, you should already know it wasn’t the food. Sweet little Jyushimatsu just ate too much of it.”

“Geez,” Choromatsu chuckles as he gets up, “someone’s eyes are bigger than his stomach. Well, you guys are home now, so you can relax and maybe start feeling better.” He brushes a hand over Jyushimatsu’s stomach and earns a soft mewl of gratitude before pulling away. “How about I make you some ginger tea?”

Karamatsu moves to get up almost immediately. “Oh, no, Choromatsu, I’ll get it! All the rest of my dearest brothers were already relaxing, so allow me to―”

“Nooooooooo,” Jyushimatsu interrupts with a whine, pulling him back down with now both arms. In a. Very. Tight hold. “I want you to stay with me, Karamatsu-nii-san!”

“Ah…! Okay, alright…” He tries to take a breath and pats lightly at his brother’s hands. “A-ah, my sweet little Jyushimatsu… let go… ahahaha… b-big brother’s not going anywhere, I promise, so you can let go of him!”

“Aaaaaah.” Jyushimatsu’s arms go lax, though he starts tugging on Karamatsu’s hand while his brother tries to get a decent breath in. “Belly rubs?”

“Hmph… sure, anything for my dearest younger brother. Just let me know if I’m being too rough; I would never want to hurt you.” He adjust himself so he can still be in a comfortable position while being able to reach Jyushimatsu’s stomach, giving tender strokes as well as he’s able.

The door slides open and Choromatsu gives a quiet hum at the scene. “Well, you both try to chill out, then. I’ll go get that tea, alright?”

“Heyyyyy,” Osomatsu suddenly speaks up. “Can you make some for me, too?? Or maybe a beer? I’m thirsty!”

All he gets in response is the sound of the door shutting.

The eldest pouts. “Hey, I know you heard me!! You’re such an ass! Grab me a beer, Fappymatsu!!”

Karamatsu lets out a low laugh and continues to carefully rub at his little brother’s stomach. “Hmph, so things are totally normal around here. At least that’s a comfort, isn’t it, Jyushimatsu?”

“Ah-hah! I’d feel weird if we got home and everyone was being all nice to each other.”

“Heh.” He leans his head back with a soft sigh. “That’s right. You only need onebig brother to be nice to you and that’s me. Any other requests besides the tummy rubs, you beautiful bastard?”

Jyushimatsu giggles and nestles his head closer against Karamatsu’s. “Hmmm… nope! I think I’m good just like this.”

Karamatsu closes his eyes. “You know… I think I am, too.”

[redwylde]

seconding, I always thought that Choromatsu would be a fairly sweet and respectful boyfriend? Although the thirst and the myopic view of women as things to be stared at cannot be denied... (re: Osomatsu, I was fully expecting the girls to just up and leave so I was surprised that they didn’t - although for his behaviour I think he got what was coming to him?? but damn, nobody won there, that was just... painful... to watch... I just want to hold Totty and tell him he IS a good boy...)

Oh yeah, I think he would. The boys are SUPPOSED to be portrayed as the worst of the worst, so we all knew what we were getting into regarding bad behaviour, but Jesus, where’s the line lmfao

As for Choro and his kinks, it’s important to remember that things are different in Japan. I don’t think they are as far forward as the likes of America and Europe with women’s rights and things, so the boys being like this - especially the idol industry controversy - is still pretty widespread irl.

It doesn’t make it right but it’s probably why it’s happening. I read this in an article a while ago, that Japan has a certain outlook where they believe that if people are free to feed their fantasies in the safety and privacy of their own home (AKA the idol industry banning idols from marrying so their fans can fantasise about them as they wish) then they’ll be less inclined to commit crime. I think it’s also part of why Japan is in the middle of a “sex-crisis” right now - which Choro even referenced in Ep4 - as in, boys don’t feel the need to date for real because they have free reign over their waifu or something. (And women don’t want to settle down and have a family nowadays, they want to excel at their careers).It’s just what I read, but it may have changed since I saw it.

Anyway that’s way off topic, but I think that’s why the boys are depicted to have such WILD ASS fantasies, whether they act on them or not.They always come across as preeeettty creepy but there’s a lot of difference in Choro going to a NyaChan concert and Oso telling some girls he fully intended to bed them without their consent to their faces. Niisan… why…

Personally, I wouldn’t watch this episode casually - too much secondhand embarrassment and PAIN. None of it was genuine humour, it was all too shocking and uncomfortable for me lol

[slowpinesan]

eri-descent replied to your post “Oso's behavior with the girls at the mixer was foreshadowed ever since...”

aw man agreed, I was thinking about how we KNOW Osomatsu is awful when it comes to girls but what made it really sad and disappointing was that Atsushi had set Totty up with these girls and Totty was giving him a chance which he totally blew...

lauraceae-fanfics replied to your post “Oso's behavior with the girls at the mixer was foreshadowed ever since...”

The lack of care for his little bro necessities doesn't surprise me a lot, given the context. Oso has always been true to himself, without a care for what others and his brothers might think (ep 2 with nya-chan and choro). I think when he finally let out his pervy thoughts, he was ready to take responsability for it, hence their discussion in the toilet. He didn't ask of Totty to cover him.

Plus, Totty trying to cover what his big bro said wasn't entierly selfless in my opinion : if Oso had been in that kind of situation alone, do you think Totty would have cover him all the same ? Totty did it because both of them would have suffer of this situation. 

Now I'm not trying to say that Totty is selfish, that has never been my opinion. What I liked in this episode is the realistic and serious turn it takes, given their personnality. And clearly we could see that Totty is neither a demon nor an angel, but a man who gives his all to be socially conform and accepted, and who will be greatly hurt if he doesn't. He loves his brothers, but obviously, they're in the way of his life objective's.

After hearing a ton of different thoughts on this episode I agree the best way to see it is that neither Oso nor Totty are the ‘good’ or ‘bad’ one. Totty agreed to let Oso be himself, and his desperate attempts at covering up were probably for both of them, not just Oso.

But while nothing Oso did really shocked me, I still lean toward taking Totty’s side because he gave Oso this opportunity, and Oso still wanted to do his own thing and “hope for the best.” This is definitely not how Totty operates at mixers, so it would’ve been nice if Oso restrained himself (even though yeah, we’re not expecting him too lol).

I also tend to root for Totty more since he just gets a lot of shit in this fandom for no reason. I know Oso isn’t treated much better, but it seems like fans will forgive his flaws quicker and considered them quirky and adorable (meanwhile another certain matsu could get a nosebleed for thinking about holding a girl’s hand and fans will want him locked up ffs). Basically, Totty tends to be labeled ‘the evil one’ for practically no reason, so when things like this happen I sympathize with him a little more.