#totally not writing this because of my own christmas trauma

[simply-suki]

Christmas time with Levi.

He loves christmas but hates his birthday.

You hate christmas but love his birthday.

So you both find ways to make the day more enjoyable, just being in each other’s presence all snuggled up and cozy.

[gingerylangylang1979]

Male identity: Carmy and Richie

I’m finding that a certain demographic of fans have a much harder time relating to Carmy but very much relate to Richie. Granted, a lot of this has to do with what fandom platform you observe. I actually kind of hate The Bear subreddit but continue to browse it periodically because it’s super interesting to hear what “the others” are talking about. I rarely engage anymore because it’s mostly nonsense and a totally different vibe than Tumblr. The contingent is definitely very anti-Carmy x Sydney and seems to hate Sydney. I’ve also noticed that while there is a lot of love for Carmy there is even more love for Richie. I’m very intrigued by this perspective. 

This season Richie was definitely a standout. I think Ebon is an amazing actor and am glad he is finally getting nominated for his role. I thought he got robbed with the non-Emmy nominations. But even before S2 I noticed that Richie was the most favored character among the Reddit demo and perhaps a big part of the general audience. That’s fine, people can favor who they like. I know that doesn’t represent everyone but I do think that speaks for what I consider general audience and makes sense considering how society still views manhood despite social progress. This season even a lot of the reviews were kind of meh about Carmy. I get it, I initially was writing him off too, was pissed, and thought he had the worst arc. Then once thoughts settled he went back to being my hero. Deeply flawed, but I just relate to him so much and he’s fascinating to watch. I’m a woman, so maybe that helps my empathy. I also don’t think The Bear would work with Richie as the lead as some have suggested. 

The thing is Carmy is a more difficult character because he has multiple layers of trauma, his work is so specialized and niche, he is a sensitive soul, he’s artistic, and he doesn’t fit the mold of the working class male models he was surrounded by. Your typical man can’t relate to him. And most likely your typical conservative leaning woman can’t either. At the Christmas party he was appalled at how the other guys were talking about Claire. And this is a woman he had a crush on and is present day attracted to. He could have easily been superficial and macho and laughed at the jokes as expected. He didn’t let Richie get away with calling Syd sweetheart. Richie says he’s “woke”. He employs a woman in a leadership role. He’s built different. 

He is struggling in many ways that are hidden and he also lashes out. The hidden ways and the lashing out are interpreted as whiny and annoying by people that can’t relate. He’s been cited as not growing but people can’t acknowledge that his healing won’t be linear. But how can it be when his trauma was collected in overlapping seasons for most of his life? The pain didn’t develop in a linear path. He had a stutter when he was young. There are hints that there is a learning issue of some sort (I’m not going to try and diagnose). He was always the “different” one in the family. The other guys call him “weird”. His father was absent. His mom has mental health issues and is an alcoholic. He witnessed the traumatic incident at Christmas and I’m sure it wasn’t the only such incident. His brother was an addict that pushed him away, then killed himself. He went into a chaotic, highly demanding field that required him to isolate to excel. He is shy and has trouble forming close bonds. He had a mentally abusive boss. He was always super competitive. He comes back to own The Beef and it’s problem after problem. How are people expecting him to be “fun” and have an easy comeback like Richie? 

Richie has issues, too. Stagnant in mid-life, spent years devoted to an addict, failed marriage, feeling disillusioned and displaced, also an absent father. But when we meet Richie he’s not as wounded as Carmy. Carmy is literally sleep cooking, almost starting fires, dissociating, having panic attacks. Richie is sad but it mostly manifests as him being kind of nasty and grumpy. He’s like a sour old man with dated and offensive jokes. His behavior is dismissed because he’s grieving. Which yes, he deserves a pass. But why does he deserve a bigger pass than Carmy who is dealing with so much more or Sydney who seemed to bear the biggest brunt of his outrage and was also struggling? Carmy is literally on the verge of a breakdown and has the weight of trying to keep the staff, the business, and himself afloat. Despite all this Richie gets a lot of indulgences for his bad behavior that Carmy isn’t. 

Richie is easier for a lot of people to digest because he’s funny, he’s the working class representative, he’s tall (yes people have height bias, especially with men). Carmy is viewed as the pompous prodigal son that’s trying to ruin Richie’s delicate ecosystem by gentrifying and kicking out “the working man”. There are people posting in disgust that he dare change The Beef despite it being a hell hole money pit. 

It’s just so interesting that in reality we are dealing with an unprecedented numbers of men who report extreme loneliness, depression, hopelessness. Richie and Carmy both fit that profile. Yet, a man like Richie is broadly understood and accepted and a man like Carmy isn’t. It goes back IMO to the continual coding of masculine/good vs feminine/bad. Richie is the stereotypical red blooded American male. He wants the stripper’s panties. He has a gun. He needs to be alpha. He views anything outside the norm as a threat. He wants to preserve tradition at all costs. Carmy is his foil. Carmy is viewed as feminine. 

I see it even on Tumblr with the persistent identification of Carmy as somehow feminine. Like he can’t be soft and traumatized and just be a man. So what does that say when even people who would probably consider themselves progressive still classify a man in feminine terms if he isn’t a MAN? We accept all types of gender identities but still struggle with a man not fitting the correct paradigm. Society still has issues accepting that men can be vulnerable and struggling without being feminized. People also make assumptions about Carmy’s gender identity and sexuality based on his trauma. Like, of course he has to be XYZ because well, look at him, he’s sad an pathetic. What does that say about men’s sexuality and identity? Are only queer men accepted as sad? Carmy could be a queer character, cool, representation matters. But I just find the semi-automatic equation of queerness with an atypical male to be odd and a bit regressive. 

Edited to add on above: I hope what I’m saying doesn’t get interpreted as dismissing queer people who identify with Carmy. I get it, I support it. What I’m speaking to is the insistence that canon Carmy is queer because of his interests, aesthetic, and mental health as if that is the only identity option. Granted, he could be bi. I also think some people are insistent on this, just as they are on Syd not being into men, as a way to negate the possibility of them being romantic. Again, I’m saying some people. Also, proximity and shared struggle doesn’t equal identity. This makes me think of once when a white gay male bestie claimed we are the same because I’m a black women. I had to kindly correct. We share the same haters, we are both marginalized, but he will never know my experience just like I will never know his. We can bond on the commonalities but we aren’t exactly the same. IMO, it would be a disservice to both of us to claim different.

I’m really rambling, but just thought I would share my thoughts and open a conversation about this. 

[naviculariis]

Okay so. Serious post time. I'm gonna put this entire thing under a cut, but I'm also gonna post some TWs here: medical malpractice, uncertain diagnoses, family trauma / drama, grief, anxiety rambles???

But I am gonna take like. A semi-hiatus, just so I can catch up on what I owe.

I haven't talked about this over here, or on Tumblr in general. Only one person who follows me here knows about this bc we're friends on another platform.

So.

Y'all have noticed, my days don't follow a set schedule. I've been unemployed since my campus suddenly closed with very little warning back in '22. Immediately after that closing, we took a small trip to MS to be with family for Christmas, and that trip was... Bad. And on the 1st of last year, I had an accident- i was taking down Christmas lights and fell and busted open my head. I had an untreated, late diagnosed concussion thar no one really... followed up on, and have had slight memory loss even now from it.

So I couldn't work until my head healed up from that.

But that's not the medical thing. That is my mother. In October 2021, my mother went in for a routine stint placement that resulted in loss of almost total blood flow to her left leg for 36 hours. They almost had to amputate, she almost died on the table twice, she was hospitalized for a year. ( we've tried the legal route, but because the doctor never admitted fault on paper, he cannot be held liable & suing hospitals is... Difficult. Even though she has permanent damage, can no longer feel anything below the knee, and has to wear a brace to walk. ) My mother already had a weak heart to begin with due to years of smoking + cardiac disease. This was the first nail, essentially. This damaged her heart... a lot.

Back to the concussion. 4 days after my concussion, she had a massive heart attack that nearly killed her. She flatlined twice on the table. It was after this that we got confirmation that she is in congestive heart failure. My grandfather died from it. It's

... It's hard. We don't know which stage she's in because her cardiologist won't tell us, but we think she's in stage 2, or maybe 3. We don't know. But because of this, I am the one who takes care of 95% of everything around the house & outside. I do lawncare, I do the planting, I do the garden. She can do a lot, still, but when her heart gets going- it's painful. So I've been her caretaker since 2021 when the initial accident happened.

My grandmother is nearly 90 and has... Many health problems but somehow is also doing better than most folks I know. She's a mystery. And my aunt had a double knee surgery but somethings wrong with her knees, and they think the surgeries rejected, so she can't get around well or drive longer than an hour away. My grandmother no longer drives & isn't renewing her license. My mother can drive, but we don't want her to unless ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY.

So I'm the only one who can drive them around.

I have my own medical issues [ anxiety, depression, type 1 diabetes, cracked tailbone that never got treatment & is giving me hell for that- ]

So. Basically. A lot of my time isn't my time. And when I do have free time, I do try to write and chat as much as I can. At night, after I get mom to bed, I call my partner warner and we get a few hours together and then we have to go to sleep bc we're in a ldr & their timezone is an hour ahead of mine.

... I'm rambling.

It's just. It's hard sometimes. And a lot of the time I sort of sit on my back porch and cry because I'm doing this- physically- alone. Literally everyone else is 4+ hours away across the state. Or 9 hours south on the Gulf Coast, or 7 hours south in Louisiana.

I do try to stay on top of things the best I can, I really really do, but things slip through my fingers. I'm gonna try my best to get all caught up over this coming week, I think. But if my responses are delayed for threads, for discord messages- chances are, I'm busy with one of my lil ol' ladies.

On top of all of this, I live in a town of less than 900, the nearest city is 45 minutes in any direction, and the nearest BIG city is 2+ hours in any direction. Finding a job that isn't in Healthcare is impossible. And I have nothing against those who are in healthcare- I applaud you. But all of my trauma can be tied back to hospital ERs and any time I step foot into a hospital, I immediately have anxiety & can only hear the night we learned about my dad. So I physically cannot force myself to go into that field.

Which is... a whole other thing, this is getting too long. But I've been searching for a job for the past year and a half, have had 5 interviews, each one ended with "thanks for interviewing! However,". It's hard.

So I just.

My plate is a lil bit full. But I love writing. I love the rpc. It'sa comfort and a joy and I love meeting new friends and making new connections and I want to do this as long as I can but sometimes things get a little slow. That's all.

... anyways yeah. Semi hiatus. Cool.

[egalitarian-tomboy]

100 Hirumamo Prompt Challenge

I want to breathe new life into the fanfic sphere for Hirumamo because this ship has me in a choke hold & refuses to let go. I've come across some great stories but I got a problem - new fics are few and far between. Don't get me wrong, it's been a long while since anyone has seen Eyeshield 21 or has read / re-read the manga like I have. But I think that we can breathe new life into this ship's content sphere with this - a fanfic prompt challenge!

Each of these prompts that you so choose to create must be at least 1,000 words at the bare minimum.

Or if you're more artistically inclined, you can make any of these prompts into new pieces of art. If you do just tag me so I can see it please. There are #100 prompts in total so let's get started!

ALSO!!! IF YOU CAN POST THESE STORIES ON FANFICTION.NET OR ARCHIVE OF OUR OWN THAT WOULD BE FANTASTIC!! PLEASE!

Camping

First Kiss

Injury

Sick Day

One Bed

Wedding Dress

Confession

Protective

Practice

Game Day

Valentine's Day

White Day

Pocky

Summer

Beach Day

College Football Game

Pregnancy

Engagement Rings

Meet the Parents

Summer Festival

Making Out

Dance

NFL Super Bowl

Birth of First Child

Fantasy AU (Your Choice)

Hickey

Library

Dinner Date

Writer Choice

Masquerade Ball

School Play

Babysitting

Cuddling

First Time (NSFW prompt)

Locked in a Closet

7 Minutes in Heaven (Can be possible NSFW content)

Fishing

Photograph

Rain

Training

Las Vegas

Childhood Stories

Good Luck Kiss

Airplane Flight

Making Up After a Fight

Jealousy

Phone Call

"That's My Boyfriend" / "That's My Girlfriend"

Ticklish

Smile

Soft Touch

Comfort

Christmas

Birthday

Swapping Bodies

Indirect Confession

Piggyback Ride

Swings

Apartment

Avenge

New Years

Song fic

Movie Theater

Video

Retirement

Tango

Almost Kiss

Moment They Fell in Love

NSFW Prompt (Your Choice)

Music

Hand Signs

Honeymoon

Vows

Trauma

Sleeping on Their Shoulder

Cherry Blossoms

Fireworks

Welcome Back Kiss

Strawberries

Gum

Nickname

Massage

Winter

Guns

Family Planning

Rough Football Loss

Tears

Gossip

Lotion

Undercover Date

Rose

Father's Day

Mother's Day

Family Picture Day

Shopping

Clubroom

Chess

Swimming

Horny (NSFW Prompt)

French Kiss

I'm looking forward to reading your fics. Again, if you write any of these or all of them in one big collection. Reblog this with either a link to your story or to your fan art. Let's give more entertainment to the community!

[khruschevshoe]

Hello! You recently posted a 11th doctor analysis/critique(?) post and I really want to post my point of view and such and maybe start a sort of discussion? You obviously wouldn't have to respond! I don't even know if I'd respond, I'm not good with conversations. I just kinda want to get your permission I guess, because I really don't mean what I'd write as hate and maybe you just made this as a sort of vent/your opinion post and don't actually want anyone to discuss it.

Here's the post in question btw.

Hey, I totally wouldn't mind you responding and I would love to see your opinion (especially since you were so polite about it) but I'm going to be completely honest: my opinions on Eleven's arc have already changed somewhat since I wrote it! I've been reading a lot of analysis of his era recently and I've been getting a better overall view of his arc all the way through the end of it entirely. Though I still agree with some of the points that I made regarding kindness v. cruelty and agency, I feel like they only apply to the Pond era specifically, and even then it's a bit more nuanced than I wrote it, more about the framing of the end of their arc by the writers rather than choices by the characters themselves. Taking into consideration his entire arc/era I think softens the thematic arc I wrote about, though once again framing in the Time of the Doctor kind of posing Eleven as this sort of god-like all-important figure gets a bit dialled up (though tbh regeneration episodes tend to be a bit sloppy on that front in general, and I think my problem with the Time of the Doctor has less to do with framing/these themes specifically and more to do with the fact that we don't really get any emotional investment in the town of Christmas from a character point of view making it feel a bit less impactful from a character-driven v. plot-driven writing lens).

Still, even with my (personal, subjective) critiques of the Time of the Doctor and the Day of the Doctor from a writing point of view, I do have to say that rewatching them, they posit Eleven where I wanted to see him all along: as a Doctor driven by kindness. As a Doctor who looks at his trauma and his past and says "no more." No one else will get hurt by what happened.

I still don't like Angels Take Manhattan and I still really, really hate how the River Song arc played out in A Good Man Goes to War/Let's Kill Hitler (I think I might have made a post about it but I can't quite remember) and I personally think that a better ending for the Ponds would have been for them to decide to stop travelling with the Doctor on their own for character arc reasons, but I think that by the end of Eleven's era, we get to see the Doctor from the Beast Below. We get to see all that pain and misery and loneliness, and it just made him kind. I think even if I have some questions about the exact details of how it plays out, we get a return to theme. We get an Eleven that sacrifices his life for someone else. We get The Doctor, a man who comes to heal.

I'm sorry if this came out a bit rambling; I think that reflects the more nuanced, messy opinion I have on Eleven's era now. And I think that as I've grown older and read more critiques and analysises of every era of Doctor Who, that's how I've begun to feel about every era of the show. Season 3 might be my favorite season of the show, but you cannot deny the antiblack undertones of the writing of both Mickey and Martha (despite how much I love their arcs). While I still am not a fan of the way that the narrative takes agency away from Amy and River in Season 6 (and the way that the narrative framing posits River Song and Clara as being "born to save/kill the Doctor"), I now really, really love the Pandorica Opens/Big Bang as well as several other episodes of Eleven's era that gave me a sour taste in my mouth as a teenager. I like Season 8 Clara's arc more than I used to, especially when it made me quit watching back in the day (even if I think that Danny deserves better). I think that Heaven Sent/Hell Bent is an amazing finale, my third favorite of the show (proving an old opinion that I tend to dislike Moffat finales wrong), but I don't think that Season 9 is the strongest lead-up for it. Season 10 is my third favorite season of the show (though I do question the fact that both of Moffat's black companions get turned into Cybermen). I honestly think that many episodes of Thirteen's era are well-written (Demons of the Punjab, the Witchfinders, and Nikola Tesla's Night of Terror are classic episodes of all time for me) or were, like, one tweak away from brilliance and that though there are a few stinkers (Kerblam, I hate you with a burning passion) every showrunner has a few stinkers under their belt (Girl in the Fireplace, Let's Kill Hitler, Kill the Moon, for example). I even think the Timeless Child is not as bad as I think it once was (I think the Cybermasters might actually be the worst part of that episode). I think that the 50th anniversary and the Power of the Doctor are better celebrations of the show than the 60th anniversary specials.

And none of that I would have thought a couple of months ago, much less nine years ago when I first quit the show. But that's the value of time and thought; you gain more nuance if you're willing to think about something long and hard enough.

Once again, I'm so sorry for rambling; I've been trying to find a way to put all of these messy thoughts together for awhile now and your ask gave me the place to do so. Thank you for that.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on the matter, though! Please feel free to start a dialogue/write your own response/etc.

[walkawaytall]

Fic masterlist

Last updated 2023/12/22.

Thought I’d create a masterlist of my fanfic for future reference. This’ll also include details about posting schedules wherever they apply. Literally everything I write at this point is Original Trilogy Star Wars stuff with a fairly heavy focus on Han/Leia. I’m open to suggestions/prompts, but I make zero promises.

Series

In-progress

Purpose of Heritage ao3 | ffn Currently 16 parts, 143277 words and counting I’ll be honest, I have no idea how many parts this is going to be as I am updating more or less as I write. It’s a tight third-person account of how Leia went from a displaced princess at the end of A New Hope to a legit military leader in The Empire Strikes Back. The angst is strong in this one, but I promise I try to lighten things up every now and again. If you like longer chapters, you’re in luck because these keep clocking in in the 8K-9K range. The next planned update is slated for Friday, December 29, 2023.

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Perspectives ao3 | ffn Currently 3 part, 7048 words

So, this isn't really a series exactly, but I don't know where else to put it. It's a companion piece to Purpose of Heritage, and currently just has the first half of chapter one from Han's POV. The intent is for it to be a landing place for perspectives other than Leia's for select events in Purpose of Heritage, but I have no strict plans for this. It's just going to be updated as I have ideas.

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Untitled Vader Knows About Leia AU Through a series of unfortunate events, Darth Vader discovers that Leia Organa is his child when she's 11 years old. He wants to spend time with her. Bail and Breha allow supervised visits for their own purposes of attempting to get more information about the inner workings of the Empire.

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Complete

Collateral ao3 | ffn 11 parts (10 chapters and an epilogue), 51135 words An Ord Mantell story in which I attempt to answer the question “What is everyone’s damage at the beginning of The Empire Strikes Back?” because everyone (okay, let’s get real, I’m mainly talking about Han and Leia) just existing with that sort of emotional turmoil and vitriol for one another without a concrete cause makes zero sense. Obviously no one has ever done this before. I’m very unique and special. (See? I can make the jokes. But...uh, I legitimately think my take is a solid one? I’m allowed to say that, right?) Also, the epilogue makes this not a total downer, hooray!

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Hearthstide ao3 | ffn 3 parts, 15468 words Life Day is approaching and Leia needs the celebration to be perfect. Han discovers there might be more to her fixation on the holiday than meets the eye. A holiday-themed story about grief, loss, love, and rebuilding.

Written for @yearoftheotpevent - December prompt: holidays together.

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Han Solo/Leia Organa Drabble Collection ao3 | ffn 4 parts, 400 words A collection of drabbles I wrote for Tumblr using prompts chosen from a list by followers. All center on Han Solo/Leia Organa.

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One-Shots

In-progress - titles are subject to change

Working title: Someday A missing scene from Leia's POV set in the holding cell in Cloud City.

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Working title: Macabre Post-war Han and Leia have an unusual way of dealing with some of the trauma they've experienced: creating their own holidays to celebrate every time they should have died and managed not to.

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Complete

Tell Your Sister ao3 | ffn 1731 words Yeah, so I rewatched The Return of the Jedi over Christmas and Anakin’s final words really sunk in and I realized just how heinous they are in context for Leia, so this is me working my baggage with that detail of the film out. It’s loosely from Han’s POV, but focuses on Leia and Luke discussing Anakin’s dying words with Leia reacting in a manner I personally feel is appropriate given the circumstances. It’s meant to be fairly light-hearted. Don’t take it too seriously. But also, even redeemed Anakin Skywalker sucks.

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Fleeting Infatuation ao3 | ffn 1836 words This started because I wrote a scene for Purpose of Heritage that I really like, but I ended up killing the subplot that would lead to it, so I set out to write a one-shot that would lead to it instead, wrote this, and...this doesn’t even include the aforementioned scene. It just turned into its own thing. It’s set during a nebulous Hoth time period. Leia realizes how annoying it is to have a crush on Han Solo. That’s it. That’s the fic.

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Served Cold ao3 | ffn 3216 words Written using the @yearoftheotpevent January 2023 prompt “snow”. Han really hates snow, Leia tries to fix that using questionable methods. Han eventually gets over himself. Mostly fluff, minor angst.

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Presumptuous Man ao3 | ffn 1631 words Written using the @yearoftheotpevent February 2023 prompt "If I kiss you, will you shut up?". Han is concussed during a mission and has made that Leia’s problem. Virtually zero stakes, mostly fluff, I’m 99% sure there is a better ending buried deep in my brain using the repeated phrase “pick your battles”, but I got tired of trying to end this thing, so I called it done.

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Speak Louder ao3 | ffn 1960 words Written using the @yearoftheotpevent March 2023 prompt “acceptance”. Luke has literally never seen Leia and Han apologize to one another, and he doesn’t know how that’s possible. Fluff and minor angst, but mainly fluffy friendship slice-of-life nonsense.

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Reconstitution ao3 | ffn 2067 words Written using the @yearoftheotpevent April 2023 prompt “peace”. This fic has everything: post-ROTJ adjusting-to-post-war-life feelings, Han and Leia taking a painting class together because they both need hobbies, present tense for some reason, a metaphor involving dehydrated rations, a general vibe that I’m going to refer to as “casually poignant angst”. I’m not sure what I did here, but I do actually like it.

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Opportunistic ao3 | ffn 3550 words Written using the @yearoftheotpevent May 2023 prompt "Who are you?" Leia in the moments before freeing Han from carbonite in Jabba's palace. I don't know what this is considered stylistically, but there's angst, there's flashbacks, there's Han Solo almost crying, and there's me, adamant that Leia releasing Han from carbonite the way she did could not have been Plan A or probably even Plan G. Girly went rogue, I swear.

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All The Voices ao3 | ffn 2138 words Post-ROTJ fluff. Pregnancy causes Leia's bad dreams to get worse. The solution? A nighttime routine involving Han telling ridiculous bedtime stories to their unborn child. This is for a Reddit prompt challenge using the trope "Silence, you fool!"

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Spiral Together ao3 | ffn 4666 words Pre-ESB nonsense. Some of the Rogues think that Han and Leia are in a fight and refuse to go on a mission with them until they make up. Which they take it upon themselves to facilitate. By locking them in a room together. Rightfully tagged with "Hoth Turns The Rogues Into Feral Space Raccoons".

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Reactive ao3 | ffn 2405 words So, once I found out that it's canon that the Tantive IV was captured because of a faulty hyperdrive motivator, I have thought about the fact the Leia must have been panicking leaving Hoth. Like, a lot. And as someone who's had more than one panic attack in my moderately short life on this planet, I decided to explore that a bit and this happened. It's a little mushy, but what hurt/comfort fic isn't, amiright?

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Confirmed by Sources Close to the Subject ao3 | ffn 3910 words Written using the @yearoftheotpevent June 2023 prompt: "You aren't what I expected." When Han returns to base with a new biography in hand, Leia is horrified to discover who the subject of the book is. Crack-adjacent, friendship/romance, fluff/angst.

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Fortitude ao3 | ffn 2610 words "I've never done one of those 5+1 Things fics. I should try that." -me, like twenty-four hours ago

Five times Leia Organa lost everything and one time she didn't.

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Nemesis ao3 | ffn 2688 words Everyone thinks Wilhuff Tarkin is exaggerating when he calls Princess Leia Organa his nemesis, but soon he'll have proof that she isn't what she presents herself to be.

So, awhile ago, I made this Tumblr post that imagined a world in which Wilhuff Tarkin declared a teenage girl his nemesis à la Jack Donaghy from 30 Rock, and then madame_alexandra commented specifically referencing the episode of 30 Rock called "Game Over", and five weeks later, my brain created this.

This is the dumbest thing I have ever written.

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Terrified Without You ao3 | ffn 6818 words Han and Leia end up stuck in a crevasse together on Hoth after being in an argument about...well, Leia can't remember what exactly. With no way out and comms not working, all they can do is sit, wait, and try to survive.

Vague Hoth-era time period. Pre-The Empire Strikes Back.

Written for the @yearoftheotpevent - July prompt: Stars.

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Every Version of You ao3 | ffn 2872 words Leia prepares herself for the aftermath of revealing her parentage to Han. My take on the Leia Tells Han About Vader conversation that must've happened post-ROTJ. It's mushy, it's angsty, it's all the things it's supposed to be, I think.

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So, Now I Have to Destroy Them ao3 | ffn 3766 words Han Solo wasn't invited to join in a game of Bounty Hunter -- not that he cares. But everything changes when a certain princess asks for aid during the final hours of the game.

Vague Hoth time period when people aren't yelling at each other.

Written for the @yearoftheotpevent - August prompt: “You’re The Only One I Could Turn To For Help”.

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Brief Shadow ao3 | ffn 764 words Shortly before the move to a brand new base, Leia grieves.

Written for Han/Leia Appreciation Week 2023 Day One prompts: Anniversary/Memory.

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A Billion Ways to Die in Space ao3 | ffn 994 words When Leia's mission runs late, Han worries.

Written for Han/Leia Appreciation Week 2023 Day Two prompt: Reunion.

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Theories ao3 | ffn 1415 words Reeling from the escape from Hoth, Leia considers the possible reasons Han has decided to leave the Alliance. AUish I guess because I headcanon that Han and Leia's first kiss definitely happened before that one in the circuitry bay.

Written for Han/Leia Appreciation Week 2023 Day Three prompt: Rescue.

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The Short Stick ao3 | ffn 4985 words I started thinking about Main Character Syndrome and how, in so many pieces of fiction involving episodic adventures, it has got to be exhausting for the non-main-characters to just exist alongside these people, so I wrote a fic from the perspective of a character who barely knows Han, Leia, and Chewie as she’s forced to accompany them on a supply run featuring a definitely-not-Alliance-approved sidequest. This is all during Bickering URT Hoth Days and is written from the perspective of a character who technically exists in canon but has very little established about her in general (Samoc Farr).

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Far Too Violently, Far Too Long ao3 | ffn 7329 words Leia keeps a journal of letters to Han while he is frozen in carbonite. Later on, Han finds it.

Written for @yearoftheotpevent - September prompt: "I wrote this for you."

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Entirely Shattered ao3 | ffn 983 words So, thanks to this Tumblr post, I noticed for the first time ever that someone appears to be working on top of the Millennium Falcon while Leia is handing out orders right before the Battle of Hoth and also said someone appears to stop what they're doing to watch her as she speaks before starting their work up again. So. Uh. This is that moment. And making it fit a prompt required a bit of stretching, but I feel like it still works :D.

A vignette written for @yearoftheotpevent - October prompt: Lightning.

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Intentions ao3 | ffn 3635 words Luke pulls the brother card when asking about Han's intentions with Leia. A lot of irritated ridiculousness ensues. This started as a sort of twist on the interpretation of a "meeting the family" prompt, but I don't know what it is now.

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Just Tauntauns ao3 | ffn 4799 words Princess Leia has hidden on a closed Millennium Falcon with Han Solo three days in a row while Echo Base is in lockdown. The Rogues are obsessed with what this may or may not mean, and Wes Janson takes it upon himself to dig up the truth.

Absolute Echo Base nonsense. If you want to get picky, this is technically canon divergent, though no one can prove it didn't happen.

Written for @yearoftheotpevent - November prompt: Secret relationship (reveal)

[foxounderscorecube]

A Court of Frost and Starlight - Sarah J. Maas

2½ ⭐

CW: mention and brief discussion of SA

Sadly, this one was a total miss for me!! It was a book. I read it.

Here's the thing: I really like this series overall, but there's a lot about it that I am not a big fan of. Typically, the stuff I find interesting and fun outweighs the stuff I find cringe in a not-fun way or just not relevant to my preferences. Because this book is kind of a slice-of-life, tying loose ends kind of thing, it was, like, 90% the stuff I don't care for and 10% the characters being cute and celebrating Christmas Winter Solstice. Worst of all, it bored me!

I don't have anything against slice-of-life, but for the characters in these books, a LOT of day-to-day life is spent being horny. I just don't really get it. Rhysand is the worst for it. That man can't go five minutes without getting a raging boner because he glanced at Feyre out the corner of his eye.

You know, for a series with the effects of trauma as one of its primary themes, Rhysand only really tells us that he's traumatised from being a sex slave for 49 years. I'm not saying that his horniness contradicts his trauma in itself - plenty of people who have experienced abuse become hypersexual, in fact - but he generally doesn't show any indication whatsoever that it's impacted his relationship with his body and/or sex. You'd expect, say, a scene where something that should be innocuous - a phrase or a position or way of movement - completely takes him out of it and he has to stop because he's panicking. Not just in this book, I mean, just in general. I know that Rhysand is supposed to be a Wish Fulfilment Boyfriend but the guy's been through hell.

Related to that, but on a positive note, it was sad to see Nesta so isolated and coping so badly, but how very Nesta of her. Of course she doesn't want help or love or anything like that. I am looking forward to seeing her development in the next book, at least.

However, we've already put a damper on her relationship with Cassian. I'll admit, I adored their dynamic in Wings and Ruin - her spikiness that didn't hide the fact that she'd grown so fond of him, and him teasing her about it, it was all so cute. But then Cassian trailing her home when she told him to fuck off? My guy, I get you're worried, but take no for an answer. Don't be a creep. And throwing her Solstice present in the river out of rage was a BIG ick. I hope that's a one-off and he doesn't get all possessive and weird in the next book but I'm not holding my breath because I think the possessiveness might be intended to be hot?

Part of why I think this is because of that sex scene, which was bizarre. They had sex but then they also had sex with their minds? Double sex? And then Feyre showed him a picture of their future son right before he nutted???????????? Surely that'd be off-putting, right? Like, oh, great, I was about to cum, but you showed me a picture of a kid and now I feel a bit uncomfortable, actually.

Sadly, very little Lucien in this book. I like Lucien :(

The art studio story arc was sweet, although it did feel like it fell into Feyre's lap a little too easily, I don't know. She's always a bit of a Mary Sue but it was hard to ignore in this book. She has more money than God and people are just like "oh my dear High Lady, please take everything I own for free". Still, I liked Ressina and I think the whole thing of free art therapy for the kids is nice.

The multiple POV didn't play to Maas' strengths at all. The characters all have distinctive voices in dialogue, but she clearly can't write from their perspective consistently, so instead we get first-person chapters for Feyre and Rhysand (who have almost identical internal monologues - the only difference is Rhysand thinks about sex a bit more and describes himself as "drawling" more often) and then third-person for everyone else. When the first Cassian chapter came up, I thought he was just referring to himself in the third person like a caveman and didn't even bat an eye, so that was funny, at least. But it's a shame, because there was the opportunity for us to get a more intimate look at the side characters and we just… didn't. Multiple POV isn't something that often works for me - it usually reminds me of bad fanfic I read growing up - but it can be done well and this would have been a nice book to have that mix of personality put into it.

Highlights of this book were the Illyrian warrior snowball fight and the discussion about how none of them can be trusted not to investigate wrapped presents like excitable children. That was very cute. I do hope that Silver Flames is an improvement.

[synthapostate]

Trying to figure out where to put my brain. Have I really not struck anything off my wip list since last time? Look at it go, look at it grow…

Resist Psychic Death - Possessed Newt. Next chapter: the Geiszlers arrive in Hong Kong. Nothing terrible happens.

The Tropes Nobody Asked For - A bodyswap AU. I’ve been looking at this so long I can’t even tell if it’s worth anything.

Heating Pad - A cat adopts Hermann.

Miserable, Lonely and Depressed (Pathetic) - The return of Cool Uncle Newt. (He’s not cool, he’s possessed.)

Vampire AU - I mean obviously I had to write a vampire AU at some point. (Comedy.)

Some Days You Just Can’t Get Rid of a Bomb - Newt tries to solve capitalism. I don’t think this is even going anywhere, but I like the title too much to let it go.

Cold as Ice - Turns out this is about coffee.

Newt’s Passion - A sex pollen fic. (No, it isn’t.) (Zom com.) (I’m not sure it’s a comedy.)

Here Begins the Land of Phantoms - Vampires, full horror. Gore, angst, little bit of body horror. Next chapter: something terrible happens.

Consent is Sexy - A team-building exercise leads to certain confessions that would not be made while sober.

Cold as Ice 2: Alaskan Boogaloo - It's not set in Alaska. I struggle desperately to get these men into the situation they need to be in, to no avail.

The Worst Thing I Can Possibly Imagine - My genuine attempt to work through something, but then I thought of a punchline so now it’s a funny little shitpost.

Splash - A…feelings thing. The first tentative steps toward getting along.

Caffeine Blues - I swore I would never write a coffee shop au, but…Next chapter: Newt finally sees Hermann in those tights. This is the worse Christmas ever.

Stop You Have Enough WIPs - Some silly fluff for these stressful times.

Shoes - Newt’s past catches up with him. Hermann is intrigued.

Groundhog Day - Hey man, these sci fi tropes exist for a reason. I am going to post this on Groundhog Day.

Newt and Hermann Go On Six Dates - I write fluff now. Next chapter: something terrible happens.

Hermann Gets Shot - It is so dangerous to start a fight in an elevator when one of the people you’re fighting has a gun.

Return to Sender - Newt leaves Hong Kong to work for Shao. Angst. Uhhhhh I used that title for something else. What’s another song about letters?

Find Me in the Drift - Sequel to Dinner With a Friend. Mako can believe that Newt has become a capitalist douchebag who buys his own hype, but alarm bells ring when Hermann returns from Shanghai with an easygoing smile and a positive attitude.

The Curse of Gottlieb Manor - “Hey, you got cosmic horror in my gothic horror!” “You got gothic horror in my cosmic horror!”

Painting the Kitchen - About finding a future after the apocalypse is averted.

Total Eclipse of the Heart - Jake Pentecost doesn’t trust Newt, decides to keep a close eye on him to guard Hermann’s back, and accidentally ends up with two new dads.

A Kidnapping - Um…it’s a kidnapping.

Wake Up, Dr. Jones! - More trauma. Possibly too much trauma actually. Scrap this?

Space Opera - When the first kaiju comes through the breach, Newt fires off a plea for help into deep space. There can’t be just one alien race out there, right? Maybe some of them will be on our side.

Third Act Breakup - I hate romcoms. Let’s do this thing.

Sweet Siren Song - Newt is doing his biology thing in the Atlantic, Hermann is an inexperienced sailor who shouldn’t be out alone on a day like this, they both get caught in a storm, turns out mermaids are real. (Romance.) (Accidental horror.)

What’s Your Angle - Turns out mermaids are real. (Horror.) (Accidental romance?)

Etiquette and Protocol - Loosely based on a dream, the boys are forced to take an etiquette class because anger management isn’t working.

Am I Blue - In which Newt learns how far Hermann is willing to go to save him.

Mr. Cellophane - Post-war, they go their separate ways, but when Newt is involved in an unlikely lab accident, obviously his first thought is to go to Hermann for help.

Hanahaki - Still angst but I have entirely dropped the hanahaki premise, and now it turns out it’s Raleigh-centric.

Time is On My Side - I reuse the tag “Hermann Gottlieb bends all of time and space to his will for the man he loves,” whether it's applicable or not. Next chapter: nothing terrible happens. It’s actually very nice.

Chuck Punches Hermann in the Face - He was aiming for Newt.

I’ve Got My Love to Keep Me Warm - In which Newt owns a space heater, and Hermann does not.

Marriage of Convenience - Lars Gottlieb has a scheme, Hermann will do anything to get out of it, Newt is an agent of chaos, fake dating ensues.

The Allegations - In which Hermann is not beating them. (Note: this time the allegations are that Hermann is a robot.)

Perspective - A very nice day. :) (Lie.)

Regency - In which I decide not to let all the meticulous research I've done go to waste. Apparently I'm writing a full regency romance novel, and it will be held to Harlequin's publication standards. (For historical accuracy. I already know I'm too gay for market.)

Double Vision - Hermann Gottlieb bends all of time and space to his will for the man he loves. Again. Next chapter: nothing terrible happens. There are hugs.

Genie in a Bottle - I'm putting Hermann through too many shenanigans. It's only because he's my favorite.

Straight to Voicemail - An urban fantasy AU. Possibly horror. We'll see.

Spacewalk - In which the Shatterdome is a deep space colony ship, and I pay homage to my favorite sci fi author.

Search Party - Post-precursors recovery fic, in which Newt relearns that he is the good man Hermann says he is.

Hospital Whump (Take Two) - In which I will NOT get sidetracked by feels, and they WILL end up in the hospital, and there will be both hurt and comfort.

Hermann Holds a Baby - Too dark, might delete.

Blue Christmas - Because I love working on things that wouldn't make sense to post yet.

To The Stars - part two of Dreams Die Hard, featuring plucky young squire Mako Mori.

I'm the One You're Looking For - This Fallout fusion is going to be an epic multichapter adventure story after all. Next chapter: I’m not sure yet if anything terrible happens.

Party Time - A zombie apocalypse. Next chapter: plenty of terrible things happen.

First Contact, Cynical Edition - Envisioned as an X-Files homage, but oh boy did it change. This is the worse thing I’ve ever done to Hermann Gottlieb. And I’ve killed the guy off. (Six times.)

Rock! - More post-Uprising angst. Not everyone is willing to believe that Newt is not responsible for the precursors' actions, no matter what Hermann says.

Halloween - No kaiju au. Hermann agrees to babysit Mako and Jake over the weekend when their father is called out of town. Since Halloween is coming up, they watch a scary movie together, only to be interrupted by the creepy upstairs neighbor. (Despite the title, has nothing to do with the films of John Carpenter. Yeah, I was wrong about that.)

Cabin - Another no kaiju au originally intended for the Halloween zine. As their relationship starts to get serious, Newt and Hermann go away for a romantic weekend in a cabin in the woods. Nothing bad ever happens at an isolated cabin in the woods.

I Already Forgot - Years after the war, two old friends have a drink together and reminisce. Something terrible happens.

Tale as Old as Time - Fairytale au, because the only way I could write a kaiju Newt fic was to make it magic.

Stormy Skies - Nothing terrible happens.

Mother of the Groom - A story about Monica and Lars that went extremely off the rails, and I Am Sorry.

Cat’s in the Cradle - Tendo is a good father and nothing terrible happens.

Chuck Punches Newt in the Face - I didn’t write down the concept and now I don’t remember. Does something terrible happen?

The Layover - Inspired by the works of Stephen King. Something terrible happens.

Loss - Something terrible happens.

Ringu For Monsterfuckers - Something terrible happens.

Hermann Takes a Pottery Class - In which Hermann ages gracefully into retirement, and nothing terrible happens. Maybe nothing terrible happens ever again. Maybe there’s just a cabinet full of cool-looking mugs, and no stakes whatsoever.

[topazadine]

non-based traumaposting incoming [tw dissociation, derealization, depersonalization]

I just realized why losing memories and dreams were such a common theme in my TKRB fics. Well, it's because I have lost so many of my own memories to severe trauma. Not an organic brain disorder, mind you; I don't have early onset dementia or anything. It's just really bad dissociative amnesia, worse than I ever acknowledged.

There are whole years of my life missing. It's been getting worse for a while and I just ignored it, thinking this was normal. I knew trauma could make you forget what happened or numb you to those sensations, but now it's catching up to my present life too, and it's so terrifying.

Yesterday feels like it happened years ago; this morning could have been months past by how it feels. The days go by so fast, and they all blend into one another, yet they also feel so long. By the time I go to bed, I've forgotten most of what happened in a given day. Even taking notes in a journal doesn't help me. I look back at my notes and it's like none of it ever occurred to my brain. Nothing's encoding because of how badly I'm dissociating at this point.

It's terrifying to look at old pictures of myself and not even recognize where I was or what was happening at a given point. I have to use context clues (oh I'm holding up a present, this must have been Christmas) or even look at the metadata to figure out where a given place must have been. I don't remember why I thought it was important to take that picture; I don't know how it felt to be in that moment. I can't attach any feelings to any of these experiences.

I am basically living in a dream all the time. I feel more real when I'm asleep than I do in my waking life. It sounds so bizarre but I often feel more conscious when I am lucid dreaming, more involved.

And this is such a silly thing but it hurts so much for that dissociation to eat my passions too. As soon as I lose interest in anything, like TKRB, it's like it never mattered to me at all. I can't capture the feelings I had when writing a story or talking about it: there's not even any nostalgia, any lingering happiness, nothing.

Total blankness, total apathy. I can't picture the characters in my head, I can't play out those scenes again. They are just words on a page, pictures on a screen. They don't mean anything to me any more. And I hate it.

I want to feel nostalgia, but I can't and I never have. I am not nostalgic for any period of my life, or any media I used to care about, or any projects I once had. Because I can't hold onto those feelings anymore. They slip away like they were never even there. It's like my past life has dissolved and I become a new person every day.

I hate being like this, and I hate that I'm like this because of what other people did to me. The abuse I went through as a child literally broke my brain. I know that many people who go through therapy can re-access those memories and feelings, but I'm so scared that when I start therapy, I will be one of those cases that never gets anything back. That I'll just slowly go completely insane and not even remember who I am.

My future terrifies me, my past is gone, and my present is so empty. I'm not in crisis or anything, I won't hurt myself, but I am just so scared. The deepest fear I have ever felt in my life. And the worst part is no one can really comfort me about it or reassure me that it's going to be okay.

I think I've cried more in these past few days than I have at nearly any other time in my life, even the worst times. I'm feeling literal decades of emotion at once. I just want to curl up in a ball and hibernate until it all resolves itself, but I can't, I have to keep going. And that's the worst part.

When I made characters feel these things, I could always give them a happy ending. But what if I can't do that for myself? I don't know if I can. I want to, so much. But it might be beyond my powers and that is just devastating.

[jenosavel]

I have some hard things to confront this morning, of the type that necessitate pulling out what I not-so-lovingly refer to as "the trauma notebook." The presence of that notebook and its associated loose papers are probably the reason I haven't been able to properly clean my desk in... 4 years now.

It's easy to blame that particular mess on ADHD. I've always kept a messier desk than most because of the way my mind works (or doesn't). But this? This is not just the ADHD.

God... it's almost been 4 years. It'll be 4 years next month.

Well, in any case, getting out that notebook this morning, I found some torn out pages from some other notebook stuffed in there. I don't remember writing this, but it's 100% me. It's a journal entry. July 1st, 2021.

This is not what I need to face this morning. I know it's a distraction. A delay of something harder. But revisiting it does remind me of some of what is important to me. It gives me strength.

That cedar is gone now. It's only me and the cherry left here, but I did visit home in the summer since I wrote this. Twice even! I got to say hi to all the relatives I'd been missing so deeply, and even start the process of reconnecting with others that I'd never met.

That has been so healing.

I am strong because of the beings in my life. I can do this.

I CAN do this.

Even though I wrote this journal entry never intending to share it, I'm sharing it now because this morning it gave me that tiny bit of strength when I need all the strength I can find.

------------------------

July 1st, 2021

We talk about a tree falling as if it were a singular event. “When a tree falls in the woods…” But trees don’t do anything quickly, do they? I’ve been watching this cedar out my window for five years now, and something is definitely not right. Every storm it leans a little heavier. I can almost hear it groan, tired of holding up its own weight. I can relate.

It seems like I’m always tired these days, like the weight of this life grows heavier each day I’m stuck here. I miss home. I miss the trees.

Now, a lot of people say that. “I miss the trees.” But I don’t think I mean it the way most people do. They mean camping. Or hiking. Recreating. But when I say it, I mean, “I miss my family.” I miss my dad and my older brother. I haven’t properly chatted with my older brother in a decade. It’s hard to chat when that old maple is always asleep, since I only visit at Christmas.

My new family here is small: an alley stand of cedar and one cherry. Except something is definitely Not Right with the cedar. I remember the way my dad talks to the trees⁠—not like I do, not at them, with them⁠—and I wonder what the cedar would tell him. What burdens does it carry that grow heavier every day? Is it looking for help? A way out? Would my dad take it down?

My dad’s a logger, you see. Or he was? Logging is a young man’s career, and while he held out in it far longer than one could expect, that phase of his life is over now. Over, but never gone. So I guess he is a logger still, in that way. Is and always will be. But not one of those white man loggers that prides themselves on bigger machines and an “efficiency” that really means speed and totality of harvest. He’s the kind that walks the forest and listens. He hears the complaints of the trees, makes the hard calls. He always seems to know better than anyone which trees are suffering, which trees are falling in that slow, silent way that trees fall for years before they come down.

He never taught me how.

I never learned to hear the trees. I can only talk at them, not with them. But right now, watching this cedar, I think I hear it. “The city’s too loud,” it says to me. The harsh pounding of construction, carried down through steel and concrete to soil and root, it’s too loud, and the tree is going deaf. The hairs on its roots are dying, like the hairs in our ears, and without them, the tree can’t find water. It’s dying of thirst in the rainy city, all for want of a newer building.

But maybe that’s just projection. I don’t have my father’s gift. I wish I did, but I’m so far from home now. So far from the trees that knew me. And here, soon it will be just me and the cherry.

“Next spring, I’ll spread your babies,” I promise. I hope she knows what she means to me.

[bakubros-boo-thang]

Summary: As a single mum, the love for your child is often sharing space with a ton of other emotions, what you don't seem to grasp is the fact something loves feeding off those negative emotions...

Gojo x F!reader, Toji x F!reader (past)

Disclaimer: sfw, scary, angst

Word-count: 2,3K

A/N: It has been over a year since I looked at this story and I only publish it now, because otherwise I never will. My mind is always filled with lots of fun ideas, but finding the time to write them out and actually enjoying the finished product is still something I struggle with. I enjoyed rereading the start of this story and I'm gonna try to prepare a little something for Christmas (something related to my 'Imagine that' story). As you may have noticed by now I can't help but obsess over dad Gojo and always find a way to throw my own maternal feelings (while being childless LOL) into my writing. Hope you enjoy another story, even without it being beta-read <3

Sometimes you would remember the way he kissed you, especially after being away from each other for far too long. Was it love? No idea. Was it just lust? It couldn’t be, right?  It had to be something in the middle, something neither of you could answer. And an answer wasn't needed, because it was just the two of you. Until he stopped visiting. Most of his visits were unexpected, but still, it was shocking when even those visits weren’t a thing anymore. It took time to get over someone you never dated. Someone that was still a mystery to you, but you managed, because there was no proof of your attachment, he had only hurt you and no one knew about the two of you. The issue came when you discovered that the missing proof was growing in your womb though…

Looking through the photo album, you are met with a younger version of yourself. It had been 5 years and as they said: ‘’time heals all wounds’’, still when you looked at the little guy running through your apartment, you couldn’t help but wonder where he was. Toji was not afraid of anything, and assuming by his scars there were a lot of scary things that came across his path. Ironic enough you were scared of many things, opposites attract right? And having someone that’s not afraid of anything would’ve been convenient since your five your old keeps making weird comments about his surroundings. 

It had started with just weird faces when he was two years old. Discovering the ability to make expressions is supposed to be normal for toddlers, but even with the silly smiles and stink faces, there were some expressions that made your skin crawl. You tried to be good about it, telling yourself, that you should catch the expressions, and make sure there’s no trauma involved, but still, it felt like every time you felt bad about something he would give you that look. It was not even a shocked face, but just a weird mix of curiosity and being terrified, even when curiosity was a common expression for toddlers, being absolutely terrified was a lot more complicated. On multiple occasions, the expression had made you run to your room and lock yourself in your room. Thoughts of being a bad mother haunted you before you slowly made your way back to your little blessing, tears in your eyes and guilt all written over your face because the sweet boy's face still lit up seeing you coming back. 

Being a mom has its highs as well. Makoto was everything you had and most moments with him were spent in total bliss, just the two of you. Now five years old, he has a lot to say, as he was the one that made the connection between his fears and the way you were feeling. ‘’Mom, You’re tired today right?’’ He says as he stands before you, debating whether he should climb on your lap. You give him a tired smile as you pat your lap. He’s right, of course, raising a kid by yourself, working two jobs, and pretending your fine with the father of your child just disappearing is quite a lot. ‘’Keep it together.’’ Is all you think. ‘’Don’t scare him please’’, but it’s too late. In the three years since this started, his expression has changed, he tries to hide his fear, which is nowadays mixed with anger and again you feel like you failed. You know he loves you; You see it in the way his eyes light up when you pick him up from school, the way his messy hair bounces when he runs to you, and the way he tries to hide the way his body reacts to you sometimes. That poor brave boy… He probably sees how you feel and already his expression turns into determination. He jumps on your lap and as his tiny arms wrap around your neck you can hear him whisper ‘’Please leave my mommy alone…’’. And for the moment that’s everything you need to forget about the exhaustion you feel.

Makoto is not one of those kids that need to sleep in his mom's bed, he likes sleeping in his own room. You wish he would be one of those kids sometimes, but you know why he isn’t and that’s why you spend yet another night by yourself, This time though you allow yourself to think about his words: ‘’Leave my mom alone.’’ and as strange as they sound, you cannot help but feel that he’s speaking the truth. He had held on to you for dear life, making it seem that he was terrified and wanted to protect you from something. Especially the past years had been filled with these types of situations and yet you had chosen to just ignore them. That needed to change, tomorrow you would stop ignoring the problem, but tonight you needed to try to get some rest. Closing your eyes for another night, a moment of peace and quietness, you can already sense that tonight will be different. 

The moment you close your eyes, you feel your body stiffen and you sense it. It being the weight on your shoulder. You don’t know what it is, but it feels like it’s breathing in your neck. You’re terrified. You want to scream, but you can’t move. You can only close your eyes and pray that Makoto gets away safely, that someone will take care of him and that his memories of you are happy ones... A harsh pull on your arm and you fall off the bed. Standing there before you is your sweet boy. His eyes are yet again determined and as he helps you get up he tells you that he’s happy. ‘’Why are you happy Koto?’’ You let out as you grab his arm and make your way out of that damned bedroom. ‘’Because you know that I’m not lying.’’ And he is right, whatever scares him, is not you, it’s something on you. You can’t explain it, and you don’t know how to get rid of it, but you know it’s there. You kneel before him as you squeeze his chubby cheeks and let out a brave smile. ‘’I know you’re protecting me baby. I don’t feel like staying here, let’s go outside.’’ And with that, the two of you quickly put on some shoes and your jackets before practically running down the stairs of your apartment. 

After roaming through the streets for at least half an hour you decide that this is no way to spend the evening with a five-year-old. ‘’You want a hot chocolate? We could share some milk bread as well! Just for today, because we deserve it…’’ You say as you point to the small diner across the street. You never visited this street, so you can only hope that they have some space to be seated. Leaving the house was a great idea, but you know that the house wasn’t the problem. You are, well not you, but the thing you can still feel on your shoulders. it feels a little lighter and you can only blame your brave son for that, but it’s there and it feels like it grows bigger every second you stress about it. Before crossing the street you pick up Koto, making sure that he is safe, especially with the streets getting dark quicker around this time of year. ‘’Mommy, can I have marshmallows in my chocolate milk?’’ Koto asks as the two of you enter the diner. It’s almost empty….except for a table with two men. Good, you’re not the only one here and the shop won’t close for at least two hours. Being surrounded feels safe at this point. ‘’Koto, you can pick out a table over there, while I order for us.’’ You say as you put him down. He gives you a smile before he carefully debates which table is the best for the two of you. It makes you happy. The fact that he can still smile at you. ‘What will it be ma'am’’ The girl behind the counter asks you and after your are done giving your order, you make your way to the best table there is. As you set down the plate with a small milk bread you take a seat across from Makoto. ‘’Our drinks will be there in a few, you can start with the milk bread… It’s really good.’’ You finish as you sneak in a bite. You forgot to bring some of his toys and you can feel yourself getting tired. ‘’Not here please.’’ Is all you can think. ‘’Mom, you can nap until our drinks are here… I will guard you.’’ And even though you shouldn’t use that as a reason to close your eyes, you still do. ‘’Love you Koto baby, enjoy your bread.’’ Is the last thing you say as you see your smiling boy disappear behind the black of your own eyes.

‘’Are we done here, Gojo?’’ Nanami lets out as he can feel the vein on his forehead pop up. ‘’Just a quick mission’’, was all Gojo had said. Nothing about eating milk bread at 10 pm. Amazing milk bread, from his favorite diner nonetheless, but still he didn’t plan to spend extra time with the reason for all his stress. ‘’Wait, look at that woman…’’ Was all Gojo let out. He had noticed you when you came in, carrying your young child. Looking tired, but obviously happy, or at least that was what he thought. Obviously, it had been a facade, something to put your kid to ease, because the curse on your shoulder was huge. It still was nothing for either of them, but for a non-sorcerer, this could turn out very dangerous. ‘’We should exorcise it and go, can’t bother her kid with your behavior.’’ Nanami stated as he got up from his chair. ‘’Wait, I need to do it.’’ Gojo said as he moved to your table before Nanami could. Gojo had noticed more than just the curse. He had noticed an ever stronger cursed energy than that of the curse. The cursed energy of your son and even without that he could’ve noticed that your child knew what was going on. He saw it in the way he kept looking at you. Even while enjoying his drink, he noticed the expression on his face. When he locked eyes with you he looks concerned and with a sad smile, but when his eyes slightly moved to the side he could see the nervousness and anger directed at the curse. He had to be fast, it was a wonder that the curse had not attacked either of you guys. As he reached the table he quickly slid next to the little boy. The boy didn’t seem fazed or surprised by him sitting next to him. ‘’Why are you here?’’ Was all he said as he took a sip of his hot chocolate, his gaze never leaving his mother. Gojo took a quick peek at your sleeping face. You were pretty, but obviously in distress. Your face was scrunched together and it seemed as if you were stuck in a sleepless sleep. Turning his focus back to the boy next to him he was met with another unimpressed expression he knew all too well. He had one of those in the teen variant at his home. He couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped him but was met with an annoyed sigh from Nanami and a ‘’What?’’ from the little boy. Turning back his focus to the mission he leaned into the boy. ‘’How are you gonna fix your mom, little one?’’ He whispered. And for a moment the boy's expression was insecure, full of doubts, before returning to the unimpressed expression he had at first. ‘’ I’m going to get rid of that thing…” It felt weird for Gojo seeing another kid filled with confidence at such a young age. It reminded him of Megumi… the day they had met. The unimpressed boy next to the good-for-nothing dad. Now he was the dad. Kind of. Megumi still acted as unimpressed as the day they had met, but from time to time they would spend a day together. Do something Megumi liked and the biggest gift was the small impressed smile he gave Gojo after those types of days. “My mom is waking up.” Was all it took for Gojo to turn his attention back on you.

‘’How long did I nap?’’ Was all you thought as you opened up your eyes. Only to be met with a stranger with sunglasses. The guy from the other table. You could feel the embarrassment spreading across your body. You had fallen asleep, with your five-year-old entertaining himself and now someone was probably here to lecture you. As you opened up your mouth to say your apologies, you noticed that you couldn’t make a sound. It was on your neck and with every second the feeling of a hand of sorts around your throat got worse. As you take a look down you notice two black shadows on your throat and before you know it your eyes follow the shadows until you finally see what’s been bothering you and your son. On your shoulder is an entity. It has human-like limbs but the body is almost smoke-like, and that explains why it fits on your shoulder. It makes sense. Even when the whole situation doesn’t make any sense at all. All of this happens in a few seconds because as you feel the fear reach every part of your body, you also notice your son grabbing your hand and the stranger removing his eyeglasses, only to reveal two hypnotizing blue eyes.  Before you can see what’s happening you feel two fingers on your forehead and that’s when once again you're left by nothing but darkness surrounding your eyes.

[hauntingcryptids]

Hiya!! 4 and 14 for the ask game? :D

Hiii bestie! :) I am answering this now (when I am tipsy) because I had a busy homework day on Sunday.

4. Who's wardrobe would you like to steal?

I think that I already dress similarly to Capaldi!Doctor/Twelfth Doctor, especially during the wintertime. Just tons of plaid trousers and ratty old sweaters and hoodies. And I dress like Rose Tyler on casual days. So I could share wardrobes with them.

However, I think that I might like to steal Martin!Doctor/ The Fugitive Doctor's wardrobe or Dhawan!Master's.

I'm not really sure why, but I love The Fugitive Doctor's outfit. I might have some sensory issues with the tuffy ruffles of her shirt because I don't know material it's made out of, but I love the look of her vibrant shirt covered by the TARDIS-like blue of her suit.

And The Master is The Master. They are always classy. I saw your post praxeus-13 with this number, and I totally agree with you! Dhawan!Master's outfit gives me gender envy! I want to look as good as he does!

But, also, I want all of The Doctor's and The Master's coats! I need them!

And (finally as a drunk note) I just wish that I looked good in ties, bowties, suspenders, etc. I don't think I do, which makes me sad, but I always looked to The Doctor and The Master as the pinnacle of fashion and my genderfluid self wants to look like those genderfluid alien.

14. What's a song or piece of writing that you associate with a character/story arc/relationship on the show?

I love looking through soundtracks for any form of media; it's one of my favourite things to do when I become invested in a new show/movie/etc. So, I definitely find myself listening to songs from Doctor Who in my day-to-day life. Rasputin by Bony M, Voodoo Child by Rogue Traders, I Can't Decide by The Scissor Sisters, Chances by Athlete, etc.

I listen to Skyfall by Adele a lot when thinking about Spyfall parts 1 and 2.

And I think of Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy by Douglas Adams when I think of Tennant!Doctor/Tenth Doctor because of episode The Christmas Invasion.

Now a list of my random maladaptive daydream song choices -

Where Did The Time Go? by Dr. Dog - Travelling with The Doctor or Master

Ruler of Everything by Tally Hall - Master vibes

Problem by Mother Mother - The Master x their love interest

Arms Tonight by Mother Mother - That one scene from Last of The Time Lords where The Master died in The Doctor's arms

As The World Falls Down by David Bowie - The Master seducing their lover

Cold Cold Cold by Cage the Elephant - This song reminded me of Vincent Van Gogh, but also my own struggles with depression and anxiety

Spillways by Ghost - This song reminds me of all the trauma both The Doctor and The Master faced at the hands of Gallifreyan Elders, but this song is also the inspiration for a fic/maybe fic series I am making about The Reader being the Timeless Child (thanks to a very kind anon)

And finally (I have more if anyone is interested) Sunflower, Vol 6 by Harry Styles reminds me of Vincent Van Gogh

[voiceswithoutlips]

Calico - Chapter Two

— pairing: Hybrid ot7 x Human Reader (Female) — genre: hybrid AU , fluff, angst, slow burn (like real slow), eventual smut — word count: 2K — Rating: M — warnings: trauma, mention of past abuse.

Click for Tag List

— chapter summary:

Y/N runs a animal shelter, Calico was built on a simple principle, to help those who were in need. What will Y/N do when her sanctuary is threatened by an unexpected hybrid?

— A/N: This is going to be a series, I’m just getting back to writing, so I’d really appreciate your input and feedback <3

Ch. 1  Ch. 3  Ch. 3.5 Ch. 4 Ch. 5 Ch. 6

I stumbled out of bed with a groan, it was almost noon and my hangover was killing me. Last night I was too stressed so I drowned my worries in a bottle of whisky. Why was adulting so annoying, ugh. The house was quiet, Jason had probably already gone to the shelter. I made my way to the kitchen, my zombie brain screaming for coffee. I like my coffee black and bitter, just like my soul. Kidding, I don’t have a soul. 

My phone rang somewhere in the living room. The place looked like a tornado had torn through it. The floor was covered with papers and cushions and clothes and other unidentifiable mess. What the fuck happened last night? By the time I found my phone the ringing had stopped. 28 missed calls from Jason and 2% battery ...great.  

I made my way to the exam room, the most likely place for Jason to be. It was just a five minute walk from the house. I was in my pajamas, my hair sticking out and the coffee cup in my hand. It was Sunday, I was grumpy.

There was a half-naked man sitting on the exam table, no not a man, a hybrid. His white fluffy tail was droopy. Long white ears poked from his long black hair, he desperately needed a haircut. His ears were limp on his back. There was a hole in his left ear, it was properly done but too big for a piercing. My eyes widened with realization, I’d seen that before on cattle, his previous owners must’ve tagged him. 

The hybrid showed no reaction as I went to stand beside Jason, and directly in front of him. His upper body was muscular, he had a thick neck and washboard abs. He was gorgeous. He had a strong jawline, cute eyes and a small nose. The combination of cute and sexy was deadly. His hands were clasped together and he was hunched over, trying to make himself look small, not an easy feat to achieve.  

“Y/N, this is Jungkook,” Jason introduced the hybrid. The bunny stiffened, he didn’t raise his head to look at me. What do I do? I wasn’t good with people, I preferred animals to humans.  

“Hello, I’m Y/N,” I greeted. He was sitting so still that you would think he wasn’t even there. Was he even breathing? He was still looking down. 

I looked at Jason, I didn’t know what to do. “I found him near the hatch this morning so I brought him in for a checkup.” I nodded. 

“Are you hungry? I’m practically starving!” I asked, extending a tentative hand towards the bunny, palm up. He flinched.  I kept my hand where it was. I would stand here for hours if I had to. My stubbornness knew no bounds. Minutes passed slowly, Jason was leaning on the counter perfectly at ease, he was a good actor. 

Slowly Jungkook took my hand. “Let’s go have breakfast,” I whispered, a smile on my face as I slowly led him to the kitchen. Well kitchen was an overstatement, it was a small room with six refrigerators and two freezers, most of them contained medical supplies. A sad, overused coffee machine and a small stove for “Emergency Ramen”, it was our own special recipe. 

I opened the fridge with a “No Science Allowed” poster taped to its door. I pulled out a bunch of greens to make a salad, rabbits need their greens. We always stocked the fridge for humans and the animals. I wasn’t a particularly good cook, I could cook enough to not starve but that was the extent of my cooking skills. A quick chicken salad, eggs and toast and a bunch of pancakes and breakfast was served. 

Jungkook was still standing near the door where I had left him, eyes downcast, ears flopped. I was an idiot, a massive idiot, I assumed he would sit at the table on his own. Bad Y/N! 

“Jungkook, come sit with me,” I mentally hit myself, it sounded like a command, I was terrible at this. I was used to animals, you tell them what to do, you can’t ask a dog if he’d like to sit with you, but Jungkook was a person. I can be an animal therapist but humans? They were beyond me. I didn’t know how to get to him.  

He sat at the table. I pushed the food in front of him, expecting him to eat, another mistake. Hybrids are supposed to obey, they don't do things on their own. I was supposed to tell him what to do. I wanted to pound my head on the table. Stupid Y/N. 

“What would you like to eat?” I asked in the gentlest voice possible, at least I hoped it was gentle. 

 No response.  

“Go on this is all for you,” I tried to be encouraging. 

 Nothing.

 “Tell you what, if you finish your breakfast, I’ll give you a treat,” his ears twitched. He tentatively picked up a fork and started eating. His movements were small, he barely made any noise as he chewed but at least he was eating. 

I was still confuzzled, it is a word, a made up word, but then again all words are made up words. Confused and puzzled. I had no idea how to approach him, do I treat him like a human or a rabbit. The ‘treat’ card worked but will it work every time? He was taking small bites, I wondered if the food tasted bad. Maybe I forgot to add sugar to the pancakes? Did I forget to season the salad? I sighed internally. He needed a proper meal but sadly, Jason and I were terrible cooks. We lived on take-outs and ramen. Maybe it was time to learn how to cook.

I stood up, he froze. I had to get him used to people. I ignored his stiff posture as I walked to one of the freezers and pulled out a container that held my favorite ice cream. It was ‘ice cream for breakfast’ kind of day. I didn’t bother with bowls, two spoons and I was back in my seat. 

“You know this is my absolute favorite ice cream in the entire world. It's called Chocolate Brownie Fudge with Marshmallows. It's like a little piece of heaven in a plastic container,” I offered him a spoon. He looked at it as if it was going to bite him. “Go on, it's your treat!” I encouraged with a grin. It was meant to be a small smile but he was too cute and the ice cream made me happy. 

I dug into the ice cream as if my life depended on it. Jungkook watched me curiously, the spoon still in his hand. He hadn’t finished his breakfast but it was a start. For me, it was Sunday, the day where I threw caution to the wind and ate what I wanted. He hesitantly took a spoonful of ice cream, watching me as if I was going to pull the container away from him and tell him it was a joke. 

As soon as the spoon touched his tongue his eyes lit up like christmas. “Amazing isn’t it?” I asked, taking another bite. He nodded excitedly. Apparently he had a sweet tooth. I pushed the ice cream towards him and watched him devour the whole thing in minutes. God he was adorable!

I settled down on the couch in my office, I desperately needed a shower but that’d have to wait. Jason had taken Jungkook back to our house, he was going to stay in the guest room for the time being. It's not like I was going to put him in the hybrid shelter building, nobody deserved that and he couldn’t stay as a rabbit forever. 

I had a file in front of me, a file on Jungkook. All hybrids are installed with a microchip and registered in the hybrid database as soon as they are born ...or rather created in the labs. Hybrids couldn’t procreate, they were made in labs owned by big corporations. Jason had scanned Jungkooks microchip, the file contained everything about his life.

He was created in Corebear Tech’s lab and sold at the age of six to a wealthy family as a pet for their son. He was sent back to the company when he was twelve because he had grown too big for a rabbit hybrid. Corebear Tech then sold him to Apexi Pharmaceuticals and I guess that’s where Yonu found him.

I felt …I didn’t know what I felt. Maybe a sense of defeat. Jungkook was twenty-three, he was in that lab for eleven years. He was just one year younger than me. I was lost. I couldn’t even imagine what he must’ve gone through. There was no way I was going to let Apexi take him back. I called Song Hwa and gave her the file. After all we had evidence to collect and a case to build.

“Not this again!!” I ran through the front door as soon as I smelled smoke in our kitchen. Jason was standing in front of the stove fanning a pot with a newspaper. 

“I was cooking rice, I don’t know what happened,” he said opening the windows.

I took a peek, the rice was black, utterly totally burnt. “Jason …you’re supposed to add water to cook it…”

“Oh,” Jason loved to cook, the problem was he just couldn’t. I was 200% sure that he was cursed by some evil witch. The moment Jason tries to cook, all hell breaks loose.  

“You’re on clean-up duty,” I grumbled. At least it wasn’t that bad, the cake incident was still fresh in my mind. Once upon a time, when we still lived in our dorm, Jason decided to bake a cake …in a pressure cooker. Needless to say, it was a disaster. The cooker blew up, damaging half the kitchen. Thankfully no one was injured.

I softly knocked on the guestroom door. Jungkook had spent the whole day in his room, not that I blamed him. New place, new people, it was bound to be scary.

“Hey Jungkook, you want to come out for dinner?” I asked. I could deliver him ramen to his room if he wanted but I hoped he’d come out and eat with us. Yes, we were having ramen, Jason and I still lived as we had lived in our dorm, the only difference was our house was nicer and we had a garden.

Jungkook opened the door, he hadn’t locked it. He scrunched his nose as soon as he stepped out. The house was full of burnt smell from Jason’s cooking adventure. The smell must be stronger for him.

“Yeah, Jason tried to cook rice. Pro tip, never eat the food that Jason makes, he’s a terrible cook. Do you want to come eat with us?” I asked. I got a small nod in return.

“Let’s gooooo!! Do you like ramen? We have a really good recipe, well its nothing special, we just throw in some bacon and rice cakes and of course a fuckton of cheese,” I rambled as he followed me to the dining table. “You can never go wrong with cheese, unless you’re Jason,” Jason made protesting noises, I rolled my eyes at him.

Dinner was a bit awkward. Jason and I kept trying to make Jungkook talk but it didn’t work. The poor bunny hadn’t spoken a single word since he’d arrived at Calico. The only thing we got out of him were small nods and silence. I wondered if we should consult a therapist. He was human after all and he needed help.

I heard a sharp gasp from my left. Jungkook’s eyes were huge, he was frozen in his chair. He had accidently knocked the salt shaker off the table.

“I’m so..sorry. Please don’t punish me. I’ll do anything,” his voice was so small, it made my heart ache.

“Oh honey no!” I said as I held his hands. “It was an accident. You remember what I told you? This is a safe space, you’ll never be punished here. I won’t let anyone hurt you, okay?” I was mentally cursing myself for holding his hands on impulse. What if he didn’t like people invading his personal space? My worries were put to rest as he squeezed my hands.

“Okay,” he said in the smallest voice.

 Previous || Next

[yrbutchgf]

hey, i'm feeling a bit insecure in my identity rn and i was wondering if you have any... tips, or anything like that. i'm a lesbian who feels more comfortable in a masc role, and i think i would identify as butch... but i feel like i'm too emotional. i cry SO often. my mental health has been less than stellar for the last 10 years or so lol, so that plays a part, but i'm also just a crier. things that make me cry: criticism, heated discussions, presentations, movie/game/book endings, all music with violins, some music without violins, christmas commercials, those miniature food clay charms... literally everything. and it's always in public too, which is embarrassing enough as it is. and i know that doesn't have to mean anything for my gender identity, but the whole "boys/men don't cry" thing kind of did a number on me lol. i always feel like a little girl when others watch me cry, even though i want to be the protector. sorry for rambling, but i feel like you always have good takes on butchness and stuff like that, so i was wondering if you have any tips on feeling more secure in my butch/masc side :)

ok before i say anything else, thank you, i’m honestly really flattered you think that highly of my takes lol <3 i do try my best, i’m glad i’m able to help people to whatever extent i do with my posts. also, bit of a length warning -- i always set out with the intention of writing succinct responses to asks, but it always gets away from me, and this time "getting away from me" meant "turning into a manifesto." well, oops. c'est la butch/femme.

now to start this answer off: i definitely relate. i’m also pretty emotional. when i get stressed i get really shaky, especially in my hands, and then after that my body turns on the waterworks. i also have a fairly exuberant personality in general, and i'm very expressive with my hands & body language. the only times i’ve ever really fit the stoic archetype have been on accident, usually when i’ve felt uncomfortable in a social situation and it’s come off as strong silence. at the same time, i also don’t like when people see me cry or be emotional in general, especially in public. it makes me feel vulnerable in a way that i don’t like to give most people, and the fact that i can’t fully control when or if i do is uncomfortable. and i think disliking that feeling is totally normal, or at the very least it’s a common boundary to have. regardless of sexuality, gender, or presentation, there’s a social urge to cover up when we’re feeling our feelings, but even beyond that there is, i think, a reflexive, self-preservation level urge to cover up what can be easily damaged. so to an extent, i think it’s natural to shy away from vulnerability.

at the same time, the urge to push down one’s tears is not necessarily a HEALTHY urge, only a COMMON one, because you’re right: emotionality has no bearing on your gender or what roles you can take up. some of my best butch and masc friends are also extremely emotional people, and they’re very open about it, and in a lot of ways that openness almost feels to me more masculine or more butch, because they’re embracing their feelings, and that’s obviously a really hard thing to learn to do, so it’s powerful, admirable, and also to be honest, it’s attractive! the ability of someone to be brave enough to be vulnerable can in many situations make the people around them feel more at ease, and i think it can become a very steady, very stabilizing sort of masculinity. in other words, someone who is very comfortable in their tears is also very good and healing to be around. so i think in a lot of ways, when you learn to own your emotions rather than push them away, that can very easily augment your butchness rather than take away from it.

now obviously everyone views butch/femme differently, whether as genders/sexuality labels/dynamics/what have you, but for me no matter what at the center of these terms there is always this nexus, this core focus, of care. in the dynamic, butch/femme is about butches & femmes caring for one another in complementary ways both in- and out-side of romantic relationships. so when we talk about butchness standalone, you and many other people reach for words like “protector,” and i don’t think there’s anything necessarily wrong with that, i think protection can and often is a key role, but my point here is, where is that urge to protect coming from? it’s from love, from caring about the people you love. and i think it’s important to remember that and to frame it that way, because when you do, it becomes pretty simple: your emotionalism is more than anything a sign of that urge to care/protect/provide in you, or a driving force to those urges, however you want to frame it. far from taking away from your butchness, your emotions are at the very foundation of what it can be. i talked about this in the butch/femme server a bit, and thren @lesbiandaemon said it perfectly:

i genuinely think i (and many others!) would feel so much safety and security being w someone who allows themself to be vulnerable and earnest abt their emotions and it definitely augments butchness, from my perspective as a femme. i envy and care deeply for the butch whose emotions and vulnerability are on display, there's a strength in that imo, even if you've been made to feel self conscious and dysphoric and "less than" bc of that. i think of phrases like "the strength to remain tender", "the violence it took to be this gentle" in the lens of trauma but if that applies and you're ok w it, i think it could also apply here too [...]

whether ppl know it or not, sometimes the way one carries themselves can be projected onto others; there's already an example in how anon mentions the "big boys/men don't cry" thing, vulnerability being shut out and dismissed/disparaged isn't going to make anyone more eager/open abt their emotions. and like, going back to the butch/femme dynamic, it does feel so much more stable and steady if someone has the courage to acknowledge and let themselves feel their emotions, it's very welcoming and validating, knowing that someone can have a strong image and show their tenderness, knowing that you're safe and free from mockery/scorn to do the same when someone protective of you knows how it feels and will care for you because they feel touched to their core and have let you know in more than one way.

and i want to add an important caveat here: obviously not everyone who cares very deeply is going to be outwardly emotional or show it in the same ways. that’s true for all kinds of reasons. i think a lot of the stoicism we see in traditional depictions of butches can come from how people relate emotions to masculinity (that is to say, how people view masculinity as inherently based around a distance from one’s “softer” side), but also, honestly, i think this may also have roots in the historical coping mechanisms that a lot of butches took on in the face of a world that was unkind to them.

in stone butch blues, for example, there’s a lot of talk about this idea of “hard” versus “soft,” or “going stone,” especially when jess is first getting into the bar scene and she’s still fresh-faced to violence. and going stone in this context isn’t just about sexuality, it's also about how so many butches learned to stop letting people in even at a basic emotional level. for them, hardening up was an inevitability of circumstance, not an inherent facet of their personality or a building block of butch identity. i’m sure plenty of old-school butches would be glad to know it’s no longer inevitable or necessary for a butch to close themselves off completely in order to survive.

of course there are also plenty of butches who are just naturally reserved with their emotions, and that’s also fine -- that doesn’t mean they don’t feel things, or that they don’t care. they care -- all of us do! some of us showing it more or less than others doesn’t reflect badly on any of us, whether we’re of a more stoic or a more open variety. but some of us really can’t help showing it, and that’s okay. that’s just how the love spills out. the right person won’t see that as weakness or a crack in the fine china of your masculinity or whatever, they’ll see it as a lovely and endearing part of your whole and warming butchness. so embrace your emotions. do your best to honor the role they play in butch/femmeness. try to love your emotions, or at the very least not to be afraid of them. and remember: you are strong. your tenderness will not destroy you. in fact, it’s what built you to begin with.

[daisies-write]

hello～! can i request for Gon & Killua dating headcanons please? also love you two and your writings btw💖💘💝

Gon Freecss, Killua Zoldyck - Dating headcanons

I really have no idea why it took this long to make, I love these babies so much it hurts I-

Can I get them as my bfs plz?🥺🥺

-Yasu

Requested by: @dukinaxael

TW: none, these are wholesome boys right here buddy

Writer: Yasu

Word count: 1125

Gon Freecss

You don’t really remember how it happened in all honesty; a romantic relationship with him would be gradual and it’s just like, you’re friends one day even though you both act so much like a couple and then you just wake up and realize it’s already been a few weeks since you started dating.

I mean, who kisses their best friend good morning and goodbye? 

Everyone was constantly on edge with you two, trying to find out what was the exact nature of your relationship, especially Killua.

He’s the one who knocked some sense into Gon.

“Are you dating (Y/N), yes or no?”

Poor boy freeze for a while with his signature smile still on his face and than he just chuckle like:

“Yeah I suppose.”

“You SUPPOSE?!”

That’s it. Killua’s done with Gon’s bullshit.

This genuine angel, blissfully sweet and adorable would treat you so well. It’s in his own way but he’ll always look out for you and have your back, in all and every situations.

Even if he’s usually very oblivious, he’s observant and very in tune with your emotions. He knows whenever something’s up and he’ll immediately do something to cheer you up, be this doing something stupid or going on an adventure with you.

Honestly your relationship isn’t quite different from a friendship. 

Dates are always improvised.

“(Y/N), wanna do a picnic today? As a date!”

Doesn’t really care much about PDA. Like he doesn’t mind if you’re uncomfy with it, he just won’t do anything in public. If you’re okay with it, cool!! That means he can kiss you whenever!!

Would always be holding you in some ways.

Hand holding, pinkies locked, clinging to your arm, hugs, cuddles, you name it.

Can be big spoon and little spoon ! He loves having you in his arms so much and talking to you and he can’t get enough of laying on your lap when you both watch a movie or something.

He’d be very invested in your hobbies and just the things you love in general. You like painting, doing sports, music, acting, baking, whatever you might do really, he’s gonna learn right besides you and look closely at what you’re doing.

Gon just think it’s so amazing to see you so excited and passionate. It really makes his heart skip a beat.

I feel like Gon would absolutely use some nicknames/pet names with you but would mostly stick to your name. It feels more natural to him. But there is times where he’ll just use an excessively sweet pet name on you in a joking manner or when he wants you to give up on some activity so you could cuddle with him.

Would randomly buys you gifts. You’re almost 24/7 in his mind so whenever he’s out, he’ll just take you things that made him think of you. Might it be a weirdly shaped branch or a piece of clothing. It really could be anything.

“Here, it’s a heart shaped rock I found on my way here! I thought you might like it!”

You can’t resist his sweet smile and now you cherish the rock and would protect it with your life.

Killua Zoldyck

tsun tsun boy and everyone knows it but him. Point it out when he punches you in the arm after you showed him any type of affection and he WILL punch you again.

How you got together? You made the first move. It takes way too much time for this big dumbass to understand he loves you.

Genuinely thinks you’re just a friend to him until you kissed him on the cheek jokingly one day and he just,,,couldn’t,,,process,,,

It basically hits him like a brick tbh, like “yep man, you fell big time.”

Not much of a difference from before you got together, he always was protective of his friends. Now his soft side is just even softer with you. 

Expect a lot of teasing. He really can’t help it. That’s his way of showing love.

“Yo dumbass!” every time he sees you. 

Can’t use pet names to save his life, it’s too embarrassing for him. But will definitely enjoy it if you call him “love”. For some reason it makes his heart beat faster and he overall likes it a lot. 

He’s baby, big baby, assassin baby but baby anyway. Just kiss his hand and he will be red the rest of the day.

Killua doesn’t like being public in his affections because he’s always scared the wrong person sees you together and indirectly puts you in danger. He’s not wrong, unfortunately.

But behind closed doors? He would cling to you like there’s no tomorrow. You have no idea how much he loves laying down with you and play video games or watch stupid videos with you till 3AM. Little spoon or big spoon depending on his mood and your preferences. He’s fine with whatever as long as you can give him the physical affection he craves (poor boy is touch starved)

Lives to make you laugh and feel happy and good in your skin so you bet that whenever you feel down, he’ll do whatever he can to cheer you up. He might not be the best at it at being a cheerleader but he’s a good listener and will always tell you things in the most straightforward way possible. 

“Yeah no, ditch that friend, they sound like a bitch.” 

“What do you mean you don’t like your body? You blind now?”

 “Y/n, come here. Don’t tell Gon I gave you chocolate and not him, he’ll kill me.”

Personal life coach tho. You don’t know where this boy got all his super good advices (trauma) but you should really follow them, they’re all super useful. He thinks things through twice as much when it comes to you jsut so that he’s sure that he’s helping you as much as he can.

Would totally love styling your outfits. If you were okay with making matching ones with him, he’ll be ecstatic.

Like Gon, he’s super invested in what you love. Will listen to you rambling about any topic with a fond look on his face. Might even try some things with you.

Would die to bake with you for some reason. Killua would really be enjoying doing cookies with his s/o. Especially if they’re Halloween or Christmas themed. 

Watch him eat the whole icing before you can even put it on the cookies.

Dates with him would be very casual and lighthearted! He likes them as much as home, binging movies and snacks, as he likes them outside, running around like idiots or jumping in supermarkets carts for fun. Cart races is a must.

You have too many inside jokes with him, it hurts. Kurapika, Leorio and Gon just don’t understand your conversations anymore. You just put your hand on the table and say “waffle” and there’s Killua wheezing all of a sudden. 

Honestly, he’s just an amazing boyfriend, 11/10

[spice-mice]

little miss perfect - asami x female reader

anonymous requested: Hiiiiiii uh maybe 19 for the spotify wrapped thing and Asami???? Thank yooouuuu

Title: Little Miss Perfect

Pairing: Asami x Reader

Word Count: 1737

Summary: The reader is the next in line to be Queen of the Earth Kingdom, but she’s terrified of making mistakes. With the guilt of not being able to protect her aunt, the reader feels pressured to do anything other than what her aunt told her as a child.

Warnings: Trauma, Internalized Homophobia, overworking yourself, and a bit of cursing. Let me know if there’s any more!

Notes: I usually write with a gender neutral reader, but I felt like a female reader would fit the song more. Let me know if you want a part two!

You shot six daggers of earth at Bolin, each of them narrowly missing him. At this point, the two of you weren’t even sparring anymore; you were just throwing rocks at Bolin and he was dodging them.

“We can take a break if you want,” Bolin panted. 

“I can’t take a break until I’ve mastered this move.”

“Y/n, you’ve pinned me twelve times.”

“Twelve times out of, what? Six hundred daggers? That’s two percent. I can’t be queen if I only have a two percent success rate.” You sped up your attacks, and pinned Bolin to the wall for the seventh time. 

“Come on,” he pleaded. “We’ve been doing this for an hour. Just a five minute break won’t hurt.”

You sighed, pulling Bolin off the wall. “Fine. Five minutes.” Both of you walked over to a nearby bench to sit and catch your breath. 

“You know, you’re actually a really good earthbender- one of the best I’ve ever met.”

You looked at Bolin, your face displaying little to no emotion. “Thanks.” 

“Y/n,” he continued, pulling your shoulders to face him. “You need to stop being so hard on yourself. You only started training a month ago. You can’t expect to be perfect already. I know you’re facing a lot of pressure right now, but you aren’t going to get anywhere if you don't allow yourself to make mistakes.”

“I do allow myself to make mistakes. Once. Then I figure my shit out and do better.”

Bolin sighed. “Just, don’t beat yourself up. You’re really great.”

---

“Hey, Y/n,” Asami greeted you, running up to you from across the courtyard. She must have been sitting in the garden. “I haven’t seen you in a while. You must be training really hard.”

You looked at Asami and gave her a weak smile. “Yeah, I really have.” You had been up late last night studying ancient scrolls, so you were using the majority of your energy just to keep yourself on your feet.

Asami stopped suddenly, taking your face in her hands. She surveyed your features carefully, taking each piece of your face in as if it was the last time she would see them. “When was the last time you got a good night’s sleep?”

At the close contact, your heart thumped in your chest. You shook it off and tried to wrack your brain for a good answer. Recently, all of your thoughts had seemed fuzzy; the exhaustion was really taking its toll on you, and Asami’s soft hands on your face didn’t help, either. “Um,” you mumbled. “I don’t know.”

She dropped her hands to her sides and a wave of concern washed over her face. “You look awful. C’mon, I’m taking you to my room so you can sleep in peace.”

“But-”

“Nope. I don’t want to hear it. I’m not just going to continue letting you overwork yourself to the point of exhaustion. If anyone has a problem with that, they can talk to me.” 

Asami clutched your hand and led you to her room. When you arrived, she tucked you into her bed and put on a little bit of calming music.

She smiled softly as she looked at your tense figure in her bed. At least you were trying to relax. “Just let me know if there’s anything you need. Since today’s your relaxing day, I don’t want you doing much.” She turned to leave, but just as she was about to close the door, you called after her.

“Hey Asami? Can you maybe, uh, stay here?”

Upon hearing your words, she turned right back around and walked up to her bed. She climbed carefully under the covers and wrapped her arms around you. 

“Is this okay?”

Your face flushed red. In the midst of your obvious moment of panic, you managed to choke out a small, “Yeah, totally.”

---

A couple of weeks later, you found yourself sitting atop a ledge overlooking all of Ba Sing Se. The sun was passing just below the horizon, casting a yellow-orange light over the whole sky. The view was breathtaking. 

In about a month, you would be ruling this kingdom, and while it was terrifying, there was a beauty in all of it. Sure you had struggled a bit, but who hadn’t? Deep down, you knew that you would be a great ruler. 

“Hey,” came a soft voice from behind you. “Is this seat taken?”

You turned around to find the one and only Asami Sato. The moment you looked at her, your heart stopped. She looked stunning. You had never seen her dressed so nicely; she was dressed up for some sort of fancy occasion, maybe one you would ask about later. “No, no, it’s totally free. I mean, obviously. I’m the only one here, and it’s kind of late, so it’s not like I’d be waiting for someone else. I mean who would I even be waiting for? My only friends are you, Bolin, Mako, and Korra.” You looked at your hands. “I’m rambling, aren’t I?”

Asami smiled at you. That smile could make your whole day. Hell, it could make your whole lifetime. When she smiled, your heart would feel like it was doing backflips, and your breath would catch in your throat. It was the warm, fresh-out-the-oven, Christmas cookies on a bitterly cold day. It was the cool ocean breeze on a hot day at the beach. 

“Yeah. But honestly, I think it’s adorable.” Asami swung her legs over the ledge and sat down beside you. 

Your cheeks burned as the blood rushed to your face. You covered your face with your hands and mumbled out a quiet thank you.   

“So,” she started. “How’s your royal preparation treating you?”

“Honestly, not great. I feel like I can’t spend a single minute doing anything but preparing. I’ve been training my ass off for months, and I still don’t feel like I’m good enough. I’ve barely been getting enough sleep because I stay up all night reading ancient scrolls because I’m so terrified of messing up and ruining the whole kingdom. On top of all that, I still haven’t found a husband.”

“Well, what do you need a husband for? I think you’d be a great ruler on your own.” Asami looked directly into your eyes. Underneath all of her hiding, you could see she was just a little bit hurt.

“Well, my aunt was always telling me about how I needed to find a prince so I could be ready to rule if she ever stepped down, and I feel like now that she’s gone, I kind of owe that to her.”

“Y/n, you don’t owe her anything. You’re going to be the queen now. You can make your own decisions.” She spoke with such passion in her voice, you couldn’t help but believe her. 

“I guess you’re right.” You had been so focused on telling Asami about your life, you didn’t even notice how close your faces had become. Your lips were mere centimeters apart, and your noses were practically touching. She was staring into your eyes, and you were staring right back.

Without a second thought, you cupped her face and pulled her lips to meet yours in a warm, longing kiss. You hadn’t even realized until now how much you liked Asami. As she kissed you back, your mouths danced together. They fit perfectly into each other, like two puzzle pieces you hadn’t even noticed belonged to the same puzzle. Her lips were soft like pillows, and her tongue tasted like apples and fresh picked gardenias. 

Pulling away, you rested your forehead against hers. For a split second, you were filled with overwhelming joy, and you had the urge to kiss her again.

All of this was before the panic set in.

“No. No, no, no. I’m so sorry.” You hopped off the ledge and ran towards the palace. 

“Y/n wait!”

You were already too far away to hear her, though you weren’t sure that you would’ve even responded if you could. Tears pooled in your eyes, threatening to spill down your cheeks.

It was your fault your aunt died. If you hadn’t been out with your friends that day, you could have been there to save her. But you weren’t, and now you had to do this for her. The last thing you could do was disappoint her. Not only was Asami a woman, she was also a non-bender. She was unbelievably smart, sure, but your aunt would never want you to marry her. You decided it was best to erase Asami from your life and pretend you never kissed her.

---

Asami walked up to you the next day. “Hey, can we talk?”

“What is there to talk about?”

“You know, the kiss?”

“What kiss? Just leave me alone. I have things to do.” You walked away, leaving Asami standing there all by herself, heartbroken and confused.

---

She approached you again the next day with the same question. And the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after that. Each time you gave the same answer. After about two weeks of this, Asami decided she had had enough. 

The next time she saw you, she ran up to you and grabbed your wrist. 

“What is going on with you? I know we kissed, and I know you know we kissed, so why are you trying to act like we didn’t?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” you answered, attempting to pull your wrist from her grip. 

This only made her hang on tighter. “Stop pretending that didn’t happen. Pretending isn’t going to erase the fact that you have feelings for me, and it certainly isn’t going to erase the fact that I have feelings for you. If you don’t want to have a relationship with me, that’s fine, but you need to tell me.” Her voice softened. “I love you, Y/n and I can’t stand to see you like this. I know you’re fighting your own internal battles, but can you at least talk to me about it?”

“I’m sorry,” you responded after her long monologue. “I like you, I really do, I just need some time. Can we talk about this tomorrow?”

She grabbed your hand and gave it a light squeeze. “Of course. Take care of yourself until then.”

Thanks for reading! I hope I did you justice! Let me know if you want a part two!