#totally not a sign of a deeply ill and fucked society

[snekdood]

i think everyone thats cool with me slowly dying in isolation should try it themselves and then get back to me if its a totally okay form of torture

[nuancefem]

girl i usually agree with you but…what?? I understand you’re talking about radblr, but your post is almost word for word what people who believe in “female privilege” say. Outside of radblr, most people agree with you to an extreme. People in real life hate women and will always reach to make privileged women the focus of every problem, and will always blame women for any bad thing happening. Radblr is one very small pocket of tumblr where the opposite happens. A post about how “women can be bad people sometimes” is not needed.

shockingly enough after seeing a fuckton of disgustingly bigoted posts that were brushed off because the bigots were female, i had to say something! how libfem of me!! guess i lose my radfem badge!

who the fuck else is, right now, calling it out in radblr spaces outside of anti-radfems? sometimes outsiders have healthy criticisms that aren't totally unwarranted. marginalized women will still feel unsafe and want to call shit out when it's said about their male counterparts within those marginalized communities. as a wheelchair woman, the ableist bullshit i've seen brushed off the moment it's about a male person makes my blood boil. the insane rate of abuse against disabled people at the hands of nurses means that this shit cannot go unnoticed. i'm sorry but feminist activists are allowed to keep an eye on bigotry in their spaces and root out that bigotry, even if it makes you personally defensive since it includes female folks. if it wasn't necessary, why does that female bigotry keep spreading?? why isn't it magically fixing itself? sometimes we gotta face issues head-on, even if it involves issues that outsiders call us out on.

libfems brush off their internal issues all the time bc to them, it seems minor compared to their Real Issues tm. that is a common trend on the left, especially with racism in white women, ableism in abled women and anti-gay male homophobia in women (including sapphics unfortunately). and i refuse to let feminist spaces continue it. i see an issue in our spaces, i talk about it. plain and simple. if we leave it all under the rug, it'll just fester and be horrible publicity for the movement. bigots only appear nice to fellow female folks of a certain marginalization bc they know they would face backlash if they said what they believe. they also still have an Us vs Them mindset about themselves as white/abled/het/higher-income/etc. if we're too cowardly to address female bigotry, and female abuse - especially maternal abuse - it means we're also failing the marginalized and vulnerable girls and women being harmed by those "females" as well as male victims of bigotry/abuse, who i know gyns tend to inherently care less about, as most radfems tend to be very vocal about, at least in jest. i personally prioritize female issues as well, but i still know that unrooted bigotry in any movement is a bad sign, and only gets worse.

i've seen many ppl say that mixed race issues are not worth talking about, or invisible illnesses don't deserve indepth discussions, because visible poc and disabled people face worse things. but we hopefully both know that's bullshit, since to fight ableist society & racist society we need to know those povs as well. complex issues are ALWAYS worth talking about. to maintain a unified front, we need to root out bigoted rhetoric and tell fellow gyns that they MUST put in the work to unlearn the bigotry they learned growing up too. you can't just let gyns who don't face certain kinds of bigotry be let off scot-free in our spaces just because they limit themselves to mocking "moids" or whatever in bigoted ways. i'm sorry to say it, but i've been abused by many women, and faced bigotry at the hands of women, and i do breathe a sigh of relief everytime a feminist addresses it more than just as a quick defensive mention. female bigotry is often deeply affected by the patriarchy, so it's 1000% worth analyzing properly, and is necessary to defeat it.

i get where you're coming from, i do - we're always told to think of others instead of female issues, always told our issues are lesser. but leaving these issues out of our to-do list is not the way to deal with it.

white, abled heteropatriarchy actually BENEFITS from a radical feminism movement that isn't self-aware and won't clean up its bigoted members, or prevent bigoted female rhetoric. i don't tolerate hypocrisy or knee-jerk defensiveness. i don't tolerate bigots, period.

[mattmcgorrysourceit]

Matt via Instagram: ""Laziness Does Not Exist" by @drdevonprice

Such an important book that so many of us need right now. Do yourself a favor and buy it.

"Instead of dismissing a person so quickly, it's much more effective to get curious. Every person has reasons for why they act the way they do. Even if someone's inaction strikes us as totally self-defeating or pointless, within the context of that person's life, it makes sense....Here are some questions to ask yourself:

What need are they trying to meet by acting this way?

What challenges or barriers are getting in the way of their making a change?

What hidden struggles (such as physical disability, mental illness, trauma, or oppression) might explain the difficulties they're facing?

Who might have taught them to act this way?

Do they have other options?

Are those options really attainable for them?

What kind of help might they need?"

"A queer, transgender Indigenous person, Xochitl knows very deeply what it's like to be impacted by injustice on a day-to-day basis. One way that ze deals with it is by giving lots of space for mourning and grief. 'I think we don't know how to grieve as a society,' ze says. 'I think lots of the conversation about activist burnout is actually about grieving, being really able to and willing to just sit in this space of *This is fucking awful. And there might not be anything I can do to solve this.’

…ze often mourns the harm that has already been done to the planet due to industrialization and climate change. Though society can take steps to reduce carbon emissions and slow the damage that's occurring, there's some harm that can never be undone.

'The Amazon is burning. So many animals have gone extinct because of climate change,' ze says. 'And there's always, I think, this natural impulse to make sense of it all. Like, *What are ways in which you can take action? Like, you sign some petitions? Can you commit to not using plastic?* And we can talk about those steps. But let's start with the grief. Let's start with the fact that even if I cut out all plastic from my life, that doesn't take away all the plastic in the ocean."

My Booklist:

bit.ly/mcgreads (link in bio)

#McGReads"

[tsaritsa]

The Possession of Isra Wright

this fic can also be found on ao3 or ff.net

NEXT CHAPTER

The rebuilding Ishvallan community is rocked by the uncovering of an exorcism gone horribly wrong, resulting in the death of a young woman at the hands of her own family. General Roy Mustang and his team suddenly find themselves embroiled at the centre of a military scandal that threatens to not only undo their three years of hard work, but also the military itself.

This story came about as I was researching into desert inhabitations, much like Ishval would’ve been before the civil war and what basically started as ponderings about the sorts of festivals they would celebrate and how Ishvalla was intertwined into their lives ended up as this.

The Possession of Isra Wright draws from my own understandings of a minority group that has suffered what is fundamentally both a literal and cultural genocide and then their forced integration into the ‘mainstream society’, rather than on the concept of possession itself. It is not my intention to try and glorify what are sometimes extremely sacred or harrowing experiences for many belief systems (or, in some cases, misunderstood mental illnesses), but rather use it as a catalyst to explore and understand other underlying issues in Amestris and Ishval. If you’ve seen the The Exorcism of Emily Rose, you’ll notice I’ve drawn a lot of my inspiration from there.

This is a story about dealing with the aftermath – but first I’ve got to introduce you to my version of Ishval. Have fun kiddies!

Warnings: language, sexual situations and violence.

CHAPTER ONE, Malkhā River Bank. Late summer, 1918.

There was hardly a breeze today – the heat was almost stifling, oppressive, but so so so dry. Drought season in Ishval was as harsh as ever.

However, Captain Riza Hawkeye noted, this was not without its benefits. Like today, for example. It was Lāeshembha today, the last day of the drought. Rain was imminent – the ahsa flowers had suddenly began to sprout, and the yālahe herons had been spotted by Sakhesā – the decimated, but altogether still holy mountain. A sandstorm was on the horizon too, Riza noted a little uneasily – a true harbinger of the desperately-needed rain, but it could be devastating to the only half-completed buildings in the Kanān district. Colonel Miles had assured her that the rest of the preparations would be completed before the proper celebrations were in full swing but she knew as soon at the goat’s horn sounded to begin the celebrations, preparations would be the last thing on anybody’s mind. She would need to talk to the General about that – too often now corners were being cut or mistakes were being made in light of new achievements and accomplishments.

However, possibly the best benefit to Lāeshembha was the fact that the General was also participating in it today – it was traditionally a manly thing to do, after all, but everyone had been invited to participate if they wanted to. It was not like he had any choice in the matter, however – everybody (jokingly) loved to point out how they could do his job much better than he could, and Lāeshembha was one of the few times the man could prove himself on the Ishvallan’s terms.

It also helped that the General was a practical man – though there were a few young men milling around the edge of the Malkhā river-turned-lake with loose shirts on, but most, including the General had opted to simply wear loose cotton pants, sans shirt. This year would most likely be their biggest yet – there were at least a thousand people, mostly men, milling around the edges of the artificial lake, each holding their own wooden net. The excitement in the air was palpable – with each successive year that Lāeshembha was held, the competition increased to catch the fish – and with it, the honour that one earned because of it.

Yes, Riza was more than comfortable perched up on the bank of the Malkhā, watching the almost-chaos below her, well-shaded from the brutal heat of the afternoon sun by the enormous ironwood’s that dotted the length of the restored river-turned-temporary-lake.

“Y’know, I would say that you’re going red because of the heat, but we’d both know I’d be lying, right?” Rebecca Catalina snarked as she sat down next to Riza on the sparse ground, handing her a bottle of water. “You have a terrible poker face when it comes to your beloved commanding officer.”

Riza accepted the bottle, and sighed deeply. “My poker face is fine, thank you very much,” she shot back. “At least I’m trying to be subtle about it-”

Rebecca elbowed her in the side. “Oi! I am totally subtle, Miss I’m-Wet-For-Sparkypants-”

“You are the worst-”

“I bet you two are gonna be all sneaky later too, finding some shady corner where you shove your hand down his-”

Riza tackled the woman down onto the ground, desperately trying to cover her mouth to no avail. Rebecca simply laughed, fighting off the attack with the experience of someone who had done this many times before.

“-and then all we’ll hear is oh Riza, yes, do it aga-”

“SHUT UP REBECCA!” Riza shrieked, scandalised, trying to stifle her own laughter as they rolled around on the bank. “I swear on the ground I stand on that I will kill you if you don’t shut-”

Rebecca threw her head back onto the ground, laughing far too much to fight back anymore. “You two are adorable,” she managed between gasps, tears sliding down her face. “And Havoc said that this trip would be boring.”

Riza frowned, flicking her harshly on the shoulder. “It’s not funny,” she hissed, glancing around to see who had noticed the commotion – barely anybody. Everyone seemed too distracted to notice the two of them, high up on the bank. The crowd at the edges of the Malkhā was the main focus – a sea of white hair dotted with blondes, reds, browns and blacks.

Rebecca sighed as she sat up, wiping her tears away. “Yeah, you’re right. It’s not funny – it’s fucking hilarious how you two inch around each other like something out of a Walter and Black book.”

“Remind me why I invited you again?”

Rebecca grinned wolfishly, pulling her dark curls into a low bun. “Because there are tons of half-naked men here and you need to be distracted or you’ll make terrible decisions tonight? Not that it’ll stop you though. So just the half-naked men, really.”

Riza rolled her eyes, taking a drink of water from the bottle that Rebecca had given her. “You are incorrigible,” she muttered, scanning the horizon with unease once more. “Are you taking the train back today or will you stay the night?”

Rebecca hummed. “I don’t know. What’s the weather looking like?”

“Not good. Clean up tomorrow is going to be a bitch. Even if you left tonight I’m not sure you’d outrun it.”

“Then I’ll stay,” Rebecca said, standing up and stretching her arms out wide. “You’re going to need all the help you can get, and technically I’m off work until next week anyway.” She winked at Riza. “Besides, there’s plenty of strapping young men that will be desperate for fresh meat tonight – if you don’t get lucky, at least you can live vicariously through me.”

Riza grinned, crossing her legs and shifting the janhe on her shoulders. Though the military uniforms were only required during work hours (and nobody was stupid enough to wear them a second longer) and even though the ones for the Ishvallan summer were made of a lighter wool blend, they were still suffocating at the best of times. Casual Ishvallan wear had become the norm for almost all the long-time serving military branch – Riza included. Heatstroke was the most common ailment in Aledia – alongside dehydration. At this point in the summer, water wasn’t enough to keep a person healthy; they also had to rely on drinks with added electrolytes and minerals. The traditional Ishvallan diet didn’t do a bad job itself – but many of the soldiers found the heat of the food too much. Contests over how much chāna they could eat without feeling ill were common – and a practice that caused both her and Roy a lot of consternation.

At least it was a friendly competition, Riza thought as she adjusted her legs, wincing a little at the sudden pins and needles spreading through her calves. By her estimates, today’s high would be at least thirty-four degrees – not the worst she had endured, but undoubtedly some people would feel the effects of the blazing sun tomorrow. Taking a quick swig of water, Riza looked out to the still waters of the Malkhā. The incoming rains would carve a new path for the river, and provide relief to the region that was starting to show signs of strain. The population of Aledia was growing every month, and with them, straining what few resources they had. At least the rain would lower the temperature for a while as well. Too many people were growing irritable with the relentless heat – Riza was a little ashamed to count herself amongst them.

Growing up in the East had taught her to deal with heat, of course, but she had grown up with humid, muggy heat. Ishvallan summers were as dry as a bone, sunburn was a constant stress and worry (and naturally, Riza was not a person to develop a tan of any sort – freckles, there were plenty, but her gaining a tan was like Edward gaining a foot in height). Roy, the lucky bastard, took to summer like a fish did to water. Of course he was a fine specimen to ogle anytime of the year (not that she’d tell Rebecca any more than the tidbits she’d let slip already – that woman was learning far too much, far too quickly from Madame Christmas) but the summer was a particularly wonderful time to do so – and there were opportunities upon opportunities to do so.

It was during this reflection on how to improve her ‘Rebecca filter’ that she caught his eyes down on the bank. Rebecca would pin it down to them being ‘star-crossed lovers’, but in reality there was often very little times where one would not be checking on the other – even more so after the events of the Promised Day. More than once that day they had been so close to losing one another – and as the saying went, hindsight truly was twenty-twenty. Riza remembered only too clearly the abject terror she felt as the nurses had pulled her away from Roy to do proper surgery on her wounds. She still had nightmares about that moment.

She knew Roy did too.

However, restoring Ishval took up more than enough head space between the two of them. Having control over an entire district of the country was wonderful, Riza was humble enough to admit that, but it came with its own set of dangers. How they ran Ishval could only be done because Führer Grumman had such trust in the General’s vision – and with it, their own culture had developed on how rules and policies were enforced.

There were many open secrets in Ishval. Military regulations fell to the side in favour of other, more unorthodox methods of dealing with rule-breakers and breaches of confidence. The Ishval unit was almost a separate faction to the Amestrian – much like how Briggs was to their icy commander. Riza suspected this was a deliberate choice – a group bound together by mutual experiences and a common goal were much easier to inspire loyalty than soldiers who were shifted around to suit numbers more than actually do any legitimate work.

It was this type of loyalty and hand-selection of troops that enabled so many…indiscretions of a personal nature to float under the radar – only when the person’s involved became ridiculously overt would they be separated and questioned duly – and never before.

The rumour mill never bothered with her and Roy. There was no need to. Rebecca had snidely called her the ‘Queen Bee’ of Ishval more than once – and it was true, to an extent. Her relationship with him was not at all professional on far too many levels to count – but they were professional when it came to their jobs. Their district wouldn’t allow it otherwise. One misstep, one conflict not attended to would tear down all they had worked hard to gain – and that was the constant fear plaguing the back of their minds.

However, on days like these, decorum from the Ishval unit went out the window – and so did the rules. This was why Riza was sitting on the top of a river-cum-lake bank, wearing a sundress and a patterned janhe and unabashedly staring at her superior officer’s abs – who, as it happened, was staring back at her, a smile blooming on his face and eyes promising that he’d catch at least one fish: or die of mortification otherwise.

“Are you finished having weird eye sex yet?” Rebecca asked, plopping herself back down, stifling a snigger. Riza glanced at her. “Have you finished being a bitch that won’t get any mekhlo at this rate?” she shot back.

Rebecca held up her hands in apology. “Yes, okay, calm down already. I think the High Cleric dude is gonna blow the magic goat horn.”

Riza threw Rebecca a disproving look, before sitting up a little straighter. The people milling by the waterside had stopped talking to one another – all were looking to the water, muscles tense, wooden nets held high. High Cleric Basir had walked out onto a rock, carrying the ceremonial goat horn that had been found buried in the rubble remains of an Ahmanhe, the traditional places of worship for Ishvalla. All that could be heard were the lapping of the water on the stones and a lone yālahe circling above, occasionally calling out in a mournful cry at being ousted from its water source temporarily.

Basir took a deep breath and then placed the horn against his mouth, and a low, solemn tone came out – and all hell broke loose on the edges of the water. A roar rose from the crowd gathered as they all began running into the water as fast as they could manage – in a matter of seconds the lake was flooded with a frantic frenzy of limbs and voices and nets and splashing water – Riza immediately lost track of where the General was in the chaos. It was a few minutes of this before the first men began to emerge victorious from the crowd in the lake, hands and mouths full of fish, some still wriggling around. It didn’t take long for Roy to emerge out of the crowd either holding up his fish-grasping hands in success.

“ARE YOU PROUD OF ME NOW CAPTAIN?” He hollered up to her, looking far too pleased with himself. “TURNS OUT I CAN FEND FOR MYSELF WHEN THE NEED ARISES!” The crowd around him laughed, looking up to where she and Rebecca were sitting, Rebecca cackling madly. “Hell of a catch, wouldn’t you say?” she said between laughs. Riza snorted, trying to ignore the curling warmth low in her gut.

“That is an awful pun, Rebecca,” she replied, a smile growing on her face as Roy made his way up the bank where they were sitting. “Go find Havoc and see if he’ll spare you a fish.”

Rebecca harrumphed at that, before standing up slowly. “General!” she called out. “Your treasured Captain is telling me you won’t have any fish for me. How could you break my heart in such a cruel way?”

“My reputation obviously precedes me,” he called back, making his way through the crowds that were beginning to emerge as more and more people came out of the lake – some successful, many not.

“Cad!” she retorted, pouting and putting her hands on her hips. “Did Havoc fare any better?”

“I think he got four, if the crowd surrounding him is any indication,” he replied, glancing back at the growing horde surrounding the young man down at the banks of the Malkhā. “You better run quickly if you want some fish from him.”

A look of determination stole across Rebecca’s face. “I’ll see you two at the party!” she yelled back, quickly jogging down to the large gathering by the now empty lake.

Roy turned back to where Riza was sitting. “Where do I put my hard-earned labours?” he asked, sitting down on the towel next to her, sending water droplets flying as he shook his head vigorously.

“I’ve got an ice box here – did you kill them already?” Riza asked, dragging the wooden box from where she had been keeping it in the shade.

“Nah, not yet. You got a knife?”

She passed him one as well as chopping board – some people liked to bash the heads against the rocks by the river’s edge but that was far too cruel in her opinion. Worse were the ones already skewering them, ready for the waiting campfires at the town square. Roy made quick work of gutting and filleting the fish.

“Where’re the dogs? I was going to give them the guts.”

“It’s too hot for them out here – you know that as well as I do – and Eliza was giving me that look that you give me when you’re going to stir shit up. She takes after you a worrying amount.”

“So she should,” he replied primly, placing the filleted fish into the ice box and making a small alcove in the corner of the ice for the guts to keep. “She’s a wonderful dog who perfectly emulates what it means to be a Mustang-”

“Meaning she sleeps all over the furniture and constantly eats food she knows isn’t for her?” Riza interrupted, taking the ice box from him and began to wrap it back up in cloth. “You indulge her.”

“She is a wonderful and loyal friend and I will not let you insult her-”

“She is a dog, Roy, I’m sure she won’t kill her to have a bit more training than ‘piss here please, if you will’-”

“General.”

Their bickering stopped as Samir stood before them, in his customary robes and ceremonial sash. The man was still as intimidating as ever, even with the faded scar, Riza thought, before standing alongside Roy to greet the man properly.

“Samir! I didn’t see you in the group – you didn’t participate this year?” Roy asked, offering his hand. They shook hands, briefly, before Samir replied.

“Unfortunately not. I was given the task of watching over the mekhlo barrels this year – not an entirely terrible job to be given during Lāeshembha. I suppose you were successful once more?” He asked, humour in his tone.

“Naturally,” Roy replied, a proud smirk growing on his face. “Not as good as Havoc or Karir – but I just need to catch at least one fish so you all don’t lose hope in me.”

Samir snorted. “Best not let others know you were being easy on them. They may wish to challenge you properly next year.” He turned to Riza. “Colonel Miles instructed me to tell you that the preparations in the Kanān district have been done. The storm tonight will not ruin the progress we have made this week.”

Riza smiled warmly. “Thank you, Samir. Will you and Colonel Miles be joining us at the Ahmanhe tonight for the dinner?”

Samir nodded. “As soon as we shift the mekhlo to the cellars we will join you. Hopefully the young ones will give up this year in their quest to get drunk.”

She laughed, as did Roy. “Unlikely,” he replied, “but there’s hope yet. We better go now, anyway,” he continued, nodding to Samir. “There are two dogs at home that are going to be very disappointed if we don’t bring them the fruits of my labour.”

Samir laughed. “They’re more demanding than most of the ammonla around here.”

“You’re probably right there,” Roy replied. “But I imagine that the ishmonla will be acting far worse tonight.”

Samir nodded sagely. “I hope not to count you two amongst them,” he said. “I will let you go now. Ishvalla dhāmo.”

“Ishvalla dhāmo,” they replied in unison, watching as the hordes of people crowded around him, all jabbering away in various fluencies and cadences of Ishvallan.

Lāeshembha – fishing festival that occurs at the end of the drought season

Ahsa – a vine-like plant that grows in the cracks of buildings and the ground. The white flowers begin to blossom when the humidity reaches a certain level in the summer.

Yālahe – species of heron that migrate to the south to breed.

Sakhesā – a small mountain that is sacred to Ishvallan’s. It is said to be the place that Ishvalla once stood.

Kanān – a prophet of Ishvalla, born approx. 1240.

Malkhā – the main river that runs from the mountain ranges that separate modern-day Ishval from Amestris.

Janhe – a traditional shawl for Ishvallan women, which covers the shoulders and upper arms. Comes in a variety of fabrics and patterns, typically made of cotton.

Mekhlo – a type of fermented alcohol, made with the bark of the nekhlo tree, spices and the aloe vera plant. Prepared in the height of summer, it is both delicious before and after fermentation.

Aledia – name of the village being rebuilt in the Ishvallan district. Comes from the Ishvallan word aledhā, meaning moon.

Chāna – traditional Ishvallan stew, made with goat and root vegetables. Typically a spicy dish.

Ahmanhe – place of worship for Ishvalla.

Ammonla – informal way to talk about a child or children.

Ishmonla – informal way to talk about an adult or adults.

Ishvalla dhāmo – (trans. Ishvalla guides [you]) a formal way to say goodbye.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

I tell him in plain language I haven't eaten and have no money for food. He offers to loan me money and that I can come over. But it's -2 and all my cold weather wear is garbage from the 5 min I spent just going to the store. He says he has to charge his phone. I'm like OK but u can also do it on your laptop. "yeah but then I'd have to find my wallet". I gave a huge exaggerated laugh because who the fuck responds to someone asking to eat like 5hat? He thinks my reply is weird. I tell him I assume he's joking so I'm laughing otherwise I'm just depressed. He replies, "do you need money now?"

SO GCDFHJFFDXDJKCFYBVXSSJKCF

DO I NEED TO EAT TODAY? DO I? GYESS NOT BECAYSE I WOYLDNT WANT TO BORHER YOU TO FIND YOUR FUCKING WALLET.

the only mature non combative response I had was no response because I'm not even dignifying such a stupid fucking question with a response. Fuck you man. Just fuck you. I'd get more respect sucking dick for 40$. Quicker too.

And I'm trying soooooooo hard and it's just nothing. I'm doing nothing but expending the absolute most amount of effort I currently have before becoming sooo exhausted and frustrated that I'm becoming impulsively violent - much like traits I had very young that I worked to control. Like my day consists of waking up and being brought home. I smoke weed, find a podcast or video or movie to listen to but barely pay attention and try to bring myself to do anything. Like changing my clothes from yesterday. Going out to get food (which if I do is my entire morning and I'm done after). Lately I want soooo badly to get back into my shit. I used to be productive. Like I lost alllllllllllllllllllllllll drive for anything. I cannot fathom going to a job. My whole disposition says I want to die every moment I'm awake. I watched this doc about this crazy lady who starved to death in an abandoned house on an occupied street like ppl walked by the house she had neighbors but she like actively chose to just starve and die. And everyone's so confused like oh the neighbors were there she could've gotten food but no. I get this lady. I am this lady right now. I am in an abandoned house that is my body and my neighbors can see I'm here but they don't care if anyone is home. They wouldn't feed me.

In some ways I was like oh no. This lady is me. But she was delusional. Like she made ppl up. I haven't ever. But I am becoming like my mother more and more but I guess I empathize more. This lady was so depressed like she really wanted to die all the time and she was miserable and couldn't keep friends and I get it now. I got it before but now I really get it because there's no choice anymore. At some point you like... You're standing on the edge of the abyss and then u let go and from that point on its just free falling out of control. You can't stop it once it's hit full momentum. And I'm screaming cuz I did the drugs. And I can do them again so I can placebo effectvmyself for 2 weeks and crash again. I am existing solely for the purpose of a few other ppl right now. Like I can't die right here because my roommate has to find it and he's the last person I want to find dead me. Like if a stranger could spot a body that is me, that'd be good. Or like a dog finds me first. I want to go in a forest. I want my body to refuel the earth and I want animals to tear me apart like when the Indians let vultures eat their dead. I'm dead you know. People have too much control. I'm used to no control and I embrace the lack of control one has in death despite society trying sooo hard. And I'm still there you know cuz I want to control when I die. I wan5 to choose and death is not about choice. And it's hard to die. Killing yourself takes like extreme effort. I cannot selfishly take my cats with me tho I want to. I want to die with my cat in my arms, the only thing that ever really loved me besides my dad. I just want to go far far out where it's no coming back. Like even if I last minute didn't want to I want to be so far out in the woods I can5 make it back in such condition so I just die because wanting to live is the moment of weakness. This is not a moment. I am not in a decade long moment. I am suffering and I hurt and the "system" is a fools game. Like it took 100 yrs to accept certain medications and procedures as fucked up because it takes society 100 yrs to figure anything out and like I guess my hope is that because we're evolving technology so fast maybe in 5 years they will know how to fix depression. They will look in my brain and s3e the suffering and fix it. And I'll flick a switch and my memories will be neutral in feeling, not ptsd.

It's not even ptsd anymore. No, it's not JUST ptsd anymore. It's the starting long term effects of poverty. It's like.. My own mental issues maturing with me as I'm getting older and it's not easier at all?

Like I tried to do my shop and realized its so half assed and like I can't be this age and present this level of effort. I can do better I just chose not to but I spend effort doing it half assed still. I took apart 80% of my jewelry and have yet to go back to it because why. And that's sad. Like I have to be careful now to maintain what I do have or I may not care enough to do it again. I have alllllllllllllllllllllllll the time in the world to do something. Anything. Any. Thing. And I've listened to 350 episodes of last podcast, know deeply a 38 yr old man I never met who plays video games online, watched anything deemed good on Netflix, am totally up to date on s3veral news websites and podcasts and I smoke like 400$ worth of weed a month.

I don't even want to know me.

But like.. I don't pretend I just don't talk. I talk to others, share commentary occasionally but I just don't talk about anything. I especially don't talk about how depressed I am because it just bothers ppl and creates both positive and negative opinions none of which are helpful to the illness.

So im very very secluded. And I used to use isolated but that's negative. That's saying I'm forced into it. I'm forcing it. I'm not. I actively choose it now so I am secluded and extremely private.

I'm still trying though? Like I don't even know why. Today I signed up for usertesting sites because I already do contract tests for consumer reviews so maybe I'll make some money but at the same time I feel like its another dead end. Just go work at McDonald's.

Art wise, there is so much I could do to revamp my shop. All new, well made jewelry. I need all new photos including ones of my art with close ups and stuff. I want to "graduate" my art skills a bit. Like really make nice well cut paper with borders for matting and start to sign my work and like all of this means higher quality so a higher price. I can do fucking better. And honestly I'm not doing anything else right now. My mind is completely disabled and to consider working is laughable now. I know I'm not going to so I can stop being anxious about it. Fuck em. I've been doing a depression project for charity cuz that's what I did earlier this year too but this one is more personal. I have 3/5 of what I wanted for my goal but at the same time what I made is so.. Average. It's not great at all. It's just iok and does the job and I tried my best but maybe I didn't? The fact 3/5 have all turned out with fairly major issues makes me feel less inclined to continue and the whole thing pointless cuz why give something to the homeless that sucks. So u can feel good?

I don't want therapy or medication. I deeply hate society and most of humanity. I used to be OK with it and I wanted to be apart of it but I was so shit on by so many people that I can't do it anymore. It's not worth it. 30 years of shit for like 30 y3ars of average? Cool.

Still trying tho. Still asked for money for food and I'll go hungry today but I'll havevmoney tomorrow I guess. That's life. Me and the 45 ppl on main St homeless. Somedays you eat Somedays you don't. He will probably realize at some point he made a mistake - hopefully. Because if I have to chase him for it, I'm probably going to hang out by myself tomorrow too.

I'm now worried I have no good winter clothes and my boots have holes in them. I'm already in super debt. I have to get a new jacket and boots before it snows. I could've gotten an extra 10 if I braved the cold for 25 min tonight but I'm just so tired I don't care enough. I can't talk to anyone about this. Then I'm just poor and a burden cuz I have no job and spend money on weed. And I did. I put myself far into debt just for weed. I'm now working on this plan that since I've quit smoking I must be up some money so I'll slowly build funds back up by not smoking and not spending crazy. Which even now sounds bullshit. But I'm trying the testing thing as well. If I get my shop up before Xmas rush. These are reasons to try but I'm only trying because d3pression put me in debt. If I wasn't this sad I wouldn't spend this money. I wouldntvlive like this.

Honestly until I get this money I don't even have funds for the bus to get my birth control. At the same time tho I was willing to sit all of this out and wait but I have like 7 days to be paid and I can't go 7 days without eating at all.

I spent myblast 3$ on cat food and honestly just this run down alone describes how insane I am. Like there's no way it's OK for me to be on my own to this degree. No sound psychologist would say yes 100% clearly functioning on their own in need of no assistance. If someone described this to me in my moments of sound mind I would be like this bitch is dead in atleast 5 years. Prob less. Meds aren't enough. Therapy is not enough. And I don't deserve to be in a psych ward because my capacity for reasoning and logic is fully there and it's unfair to have success in q team monitored to be released into the same conditions you know.

What am I doing when my father's gone? This because no one recognized that in a Co dependent relationship there are two people who are d3oendent not just one and instead of really assessing the situation people chose to think I was lazy and living off my father (even tho I was not) ignoring severe depression and suicidal t3ndencies. Thanks.

I am the abandoned house.

Today I was trying to get ready to leave when he said he still wanted to smoke from my bong and ohh where do I have to go that's so important. And it's not just him. It's anyone who knows myclife. They d3cided my time has less value because someone who's not them d3cided to pay me money in exchange for menial tasks. Since I don't have that my time is meaningless and they can not show up to qppts or show up late or leave late or make me wait X amount of time cuz I have all the time in the world. They work u know. But I no longer care. For the people who know me I'm no longer accepting this and just going about my lif3 without them. For those who don't, I'm no longer going to share anything about my life with anyone. I'm just as valuable as you. My time is equally of worth. Fuck you for ever thinking different.

Just remember - anyone else alive, not your problem.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

the thing is .... there is already a distance between us right now which one of us needs to cross in order to meet the other and it has nothing to do with the compromises of what he believes is going on.

the distance is 100% his mental health as well as his maturity. he tried to tell me today that i think im “enlightened” but i am not at all. i’m like really far from enlightened because if i were at all enlightened i would not even struggle as hard as i do on a personal level. what i think i am is several times more mature and 70% of the instances where ive brought up a valid point has been shit on by immaturity. its not just waiting for someone ‘to get better’. its waiting for someone to grow up.

like when i first met him i was really really against polygamy. he wanted to have multiple partners and he sold this as it owuld be a family unit and everyone would live together etc. but he never once presented polygamy as its known to be in sociological terms. to him its on “his terms”. like he can just go out and meet someone and bring them into his family and have the other people just learn to adapt with this new person he wants to have. like we all just live in his world. 

this is not even true polygamy of a like equal mutual respect. like maybe its not for me. i’m lke pretty sure its not for me but i’m not totally sure. as i spend more and more years alone, the idea of having multiple people love you very deeply is attractive but im not sure i want to enter that life. i can barely get one person to love me very deeply enough to spend their life with me. i dont know if i would hold out for two who not only loved me but loved each other as well. 

the thing is though i have like really cloe relationships with everyone. almost all of them are “relationships” without sex. they all bond very close to me, we spend enormous amounts of time together, we depend on one another, we buy each other things, we invite each other into our extended families - like we become so much of each others lives that its almost hard to maintain another relationship seperately without if affecting ours. 

so i cant say that i dont see how this doesnt work. i can see that and i can see myself perhaps coming to this crossroads where maybe i honestly decide i will never ever have children not even by accident and keeping it but i still have this matronly feelings where i want to care and perhaps that care would go towards these other partners. 

thats how i can see it happening. do i think it WILL happen? its kind of unlikely. like 70% unlikely. but fuck man - what if i like, dont date at all? what if i just like hermit myself and hang out in my room and two, three years goes by and for whatever reason it comes up and i just like gave up on normality of life and this is it now. i dont know. right now i honeslty could not tell you if in five years i will be married or sucking dick to smoke weed. i cant even tell you that. 

but i have all of the power of the decision for that. i dont know what ill do but i have the power to decide. no one but me. like i already had a shitty family. and i dont have to accept another one. if i invest my time and love into this family ill only be shit on and dragged along. 

and listen. if youre going to make me apart of your family - if i have no choice because you refuse to let your love for me go then at some point you have to break the toxic cycle of abuse an hurt in a family line. nd for the sake of everyone before him and him and everyone after - the morally right decision is to stop it. its not right to be a third generation alcoholic. its not right to pass on molestation. it is not right to be so disrespectful and manipulative while knowing what youre saying is just bullshit. its just fanatastical bullshit. im sorry that some girl broke your heart so badly that youll never get over her to a point youre willing to pass on that same hurt to everone else you encounter. and then ask me to essentiallly do the same thing. i will be the one responsible member of your fucking family and stop this cycle. or atleast im not going to be apart of it. im not going to take my place in it. 

because my god i am so much better than this. i am bigger than this. i am more selfless and empathetic than this. and you know what? IVE DONE THE MOST AND GOTTEN NOTHING MORE THAN ONCE IN MY LIFE. and im NOT GIVING UP WHO I AM BECAUSE OF PIECES OF SHIT LIKE THIS. 

what i really hate the most about all of this is that it becomes so convoluted in the moment that later on i focus on these really stupid insiginifcant things that trap me in a mindset that any of it matters. 

like right now i’m thinking about the absolute contradiction and hypocrisy he absolutely refuses to address no matter how you approach it. in one breath he says he will have other people he will have other wives he will have a farm and in the next he says he doesnt know what he wants where he will be how he will end up and hes not disappointing me. he wont even see how at this point i dont even have the opportunity to be “a” wife. you cannot whole heartedly tell me a future plan but then tell me you have no future plans. you absolutely do. 

so what happens when he goes away? it takes him less than week on holiday to contact the next bitch consistently so in which way is it working on himself to be exposed to romantic situations you just left because it was all too much. 

i am actually actively working on being a better person even right now. like i want to do a lot of shitty things. i am and have been looking forward to the moment i can actively ignore his calls and messages. which is terrible. thats actually a really shitty thought to have even if the person “deserves” it. its not even like a deserving it retribution thing it should be that i just dont talk to him because i dont want to. not because i get a kick out of ignoring him. i dont want to steal the weed ill likely get from him but the chances of it happening seem higher than they should right now. and i dont want to feel okay about it.

i told him it was wrong to offer to be a credit card for weed while telling me that i needed to support myself.  there was no benefit for him to get me weed and leave and i understand being nice but why put me 400$ in debt before you leave while simultaneously telling me that i shouldve been paying for myself. 

he said it was “different”. i was “doing something for myself now”. as in these shows i started doing to have the money to  move with him but now i cant so i just have money i dont care about and spend on weed because i cant mesh my future goals to the person i wantt o spend my life with. its diferent now despite having always still paid him back but i guess since its not from my benefits its “real money” now. but do you see how im trapped? if i were to take it and not pay him back i’d become just another person who ripped him off. but the thing is i feel i could easily tell him that i care more about my own feelings right now and it makes me feel better to not pay him back. why not? if he can do it? 

he was right though. i afforded myself the ability to be completely cut off from everyone else to think clearly on my own and he doesnt have that. but i did that through trauma and fighting and like a fucking war where i sacrificed damn near everything that meant something to me. and i am thankful and grateful everyday. like i walked into my shitty ass stuffy smelly small ass room and sighed relief. like thank fucking god. thank god i live by myself. thank god i pay for myself. thank god no man is taking money in my name. and in two years without getting what i “wanted” (which was half the easy way out nd half pure love) i didnt just give in or find someone who would give me the easy way out. i strapped on my fucking boots nand trudged the trenches - again. i didnt need to do this. i absolutely in no way needed to do this but i did. 

and i get all the time in the fucking world to think about it. i dont get up for a 9 - 5 and participate in society - i choose how the fuck i want to live and i dont give a fuck if you dont like it because you didnt do what i did to even get here and here is not even fucking luxurious. its not even a real accomplishment to find yourself completely alone. its actually a sign of great stress, great tragedy. 

i told him today my fathers old saying. he would sit on our balcony on the weekends, smoking weed and drinking pepsi and vodka. and these were some of the most beautiful moments and memories i have of my father. honestly. but he would turn to me and say, “i wonder what the poor people are doing.” and id look at him like youre nuts, “we are the poor people, dad.”

but i fucking get it now. i didnt get it back then. i honestly thought my dad was delusional to think this life we lived was anything to gawk at. we lived paycheck to paycheck. we werent like roaches in our place poor but we were extremely tight for money. but this is a man who for 50+ years struggled on the streets and had to build his own life nd his own family and after all of this - after all the drugs and drinking nd partying and women and trauma and abuse and everything in between - he sat on his balcony with his fucking kid smoking his weed drinking his vodka. instead of fighting to live he was just kind of living at that moment. it took him 50 years but he was just living now. and it was better than fighting to live. so it wasnt that he was questioning what literally the “poor” people were doing. they were very much likely doing the same thing. but he didnt have to fight to get that money to get that weed to sit on that balcony and not have a worry. he wasnt worrying about rent. he didnt owrry about food. he was completely utterly content with just not fucking fighting anymore. and the “poor people” were the people poor in soul - those who were still fighting. and sometimes it was said in jest - like he was proud to overcome the struggles and others it was said empathetically like he was reminiscing on those times and really appreciating where he was now. 

and right now i feel i could say “i woner what the poor people are doing”. like my own evaluation on this - i am certainly poor. but my worries are few. ive come to terms for a lot of things.  for me, i’d say this not based in financial cares but that my mental health is not poor. because i fought really hard and sacrificed many things to get this. but i did not shit on other people to do it. i did not take away from other eoples lives and i wasnt a heavy burden. 

and now i have the time to properly look at what the world offers me. i dont have to take things out of desperation because i am not poor in my soul anymore. ive been very poor in the soul before and ive taken things out of desperation - its only been since late last year ive afforded myself moderate “stability”. and i know now the difference between obsessing on something and being focused. i, in fact, spend a lot of time with him as well but im just afforded more time alone. an obsession would carry through and id be thinking about it all the time but i dont. i allow these moments to toore deeply because i am not distracted and i choose not to distract myself with things that dont add to the solution. like im not going to cry and play video games or watch moves or tv shows to “forget about it”. you shouldnt forget about it. you should walk through it and feel it and every lesson it is teaching you. and it really hurts. i dont feel the need to self harm anymore because life honestly hurts enough now. 

he said, “you think youre so enlightened. you need to let go of your ego” i wish i was enlightened. and like the past six months i have been focused on an enligtenment but not to be enlightened. i have no goals of mastering spiritual planes and im not trying to be “beter” than my emotions. i am actually trying to let go of myself to such degrees that i understand the complexeties of emotions and thoughts which i and other people have no control over as human beings. its not me trying to make other people better. no one has to follow my path at all. i feel so assured constantly that what i am finding in my seeking of answers and questions is the right thing. it constantly proves itself to me. i dont need to believe in it anymore - it’s not “faith” or “higher powers”. it’s become nearly a science, as i practice and experiment with putting things out and accepting things in by frequently getting the same results with new thought patterns and concepts. i’m not like “if i think about getting this hard enough it will appear”. its a deeper empathy and understanding of what is happening around me to be able to control my own emotions and thoughts to have a better opportunity to find a sense of my own happiness and not add to the suffering of others. like its really important to me to not add to the suffering but i dont believe either that i have the capacity any longer to help those who are suffering. i am not a guru or spiritual leader, you know? i’m not a real caregiver. not anymore. more so by helping those who are sufferng i make it detrimental to myself which in turn likely adds to the suffering in ways im not seeing outright. 

and my attitude, you know? ive spent much time being severly depressed and i honestly feel maybe constantly a sense of depression so im not like overcome and recovered but it made me extremely negative in ways i can now identify in other people with similar depression issues. and it wasnt that this negativity made it “bad” for anyone else. i wasnt like a wet blanket to a positive experience. it was that my attitude left me wide open to be relatable to other extremely negative people which consistently “proved” how i felt about things to myself. and i would become bonded to extremely negative people that even once i began to see my own negativity, their extreme negativity was keeping me down and forcing me to address things i had already addressed times over with myself. but now i was arguing with a depression wall in someone else and i know what its like to be there and i know its absolutely futile and now i can see why i’m alone. i chose to be depressed. no. no i didnt. i chose to be negative. i didnt choose a depression. a depression is a natural emotion that everyone experiences but i chose to funnel that depression through extreme negativity and pessimisim. aand again because im alreay around people doing the same thing its really like a circle jerk of negativity more so than me personally bringing down someone else. but i chose to be apart of this and i chose to let these people influence my life and my daily thoughts. its not just this relationship - its friends as well. 

you can be depressed but once you become negative, you cant be helped. you have to chose not to be negative not to make yourself change your mind about being depressed. its not “fake it util you make it” its “Fake it to not detriment your recovery”. youre not convincing yourself that things are actually positive. they might actually still be negative. i can walk out my door and 14 shitty things will be there but if i tell someone all 14 shitty things thats the entirety of our fucking conversation and i missed the opportunity to have a real connection deeper than my negativity. 

even right now i decided not to be negative about this seemingly “crazy” act of obsessively focusing on something no one else will care about and being up at 1am typing it all out but i deserve this. i deserve a space with no fucking time limit, no interruptions, no profit on it - i deserve all the hours in the world to express myself because i fucking can. i cant say if anyone in the entire world “deserves” to have another person sit and listen to them ramble endlessly for several hours. but everyone deserves the space to do it even if no one is listening. even if its not an expert with a pad and paper compartmentalizing all your issues. 

its not that i want to be happy, i want to practice being less negative. not even like “be positive”. i would rather say nothing at all than spew negativity. i dont have to be positive but i dont have to be negative either. and this alone will open things up to me and people up to me tht i wasnt able to relate to before because theyre smart enough to stay away from such draining people. which only creates an even better influence in my life. 

i want music back in my life. i lack something when i chose a partner who doesnt have a musical talent of some kind. even if its like a deep love of music itself and they dont play an instrument. but a deep love. i want to dance in the living room. i want to sing at the top of my lungs. and i want to feel secure in doing this because thats who i actually am. its heartbreaking to spend so much time not being who i fully am. its not like im lieing. im just always holding back. i have capabilities but i dont want to share them because of the negativity around me. and its not just like insecurity - i am insecure but being in an environment of negativity only makes being insecure that much worse. i want to stay up until 4am discussing the hilarity of 80s hair metal and the intricacies of the keybords and organs in psychedelic rock and we spend hours back and forth “this is the best song of all time,” and its actually the best songs of all time and not some soundcloud rapper or pop singer. 

i want to wake up in the morning and the first thing he does is play music so i can sing along. i want him to send me songs throughout the day related to things we randomly talk about. i want him to love my love of music so much that i sing to make us happy. 

i want to be number one. everyone else who came before me have no lingering connection or meaning to them, there is no “great love” before me. there is no “if i had a chance,”. i am the number one pick and they wouldnt see themselves with anyone but me in the grand picture. im not expecting their dick to only work for me but i am expecting that i remain their first and foremost romantic thought. i will never be treated based on how someone else treated them. i will be treated exactly the way i deserve based on my actions towards them. i will not have someone treat me based on how they predict the future will happen for them. if i am faithful and loving and i am adding to our lives, i expect no insecurity, no lack of commitment because “some other girl cheated”. i will not be based on women before me. period. 

i want him to have an accepting loving family or no family at all (as cruel as it may sound). i mean fully outright accepting and loving with great support of him and myself and our choices as a couple. if i cant have that i’d rather him have no family at all than be put through the ringer of another two faced mother in law obliging her son to get his dick wet. his lack of family or choice not to be involved with them wont reflect on how i feel about him at all unless the circumstances are outrageous. 

i want money to be setn as a secondary to the relationship and i know this is a lofty want; i may compromise on it because its really hard not to fin someone who doesnt fear money or lack there of. but i want it to be seen as something our unit needs and our unit works on. i dont want to accept gifts or be paid for excessively - even if its offered. of course its on me to decline to set an example. but i dont want to accept them because it sets this precedence of them doing it out of habit and it is less of a unit “lets split a pizza” and more “im always buying dinner”. i dont want a partner who feels its a deal breaker to _not_ get that pizza because i dont have the money or dont want to spend it. they should be okay with going without a luxury for something less luxurious. the experience of life itself and our life together should be way more meaningful than going out for dinner. 

i want them to cook and clean equally as much as i do. no one is a handmaiden to anyone else. i want them to treat me right during sex - i am flexible and moldable, switchable and aim to please more often than not but i have no desire for it. 28 years old, fucked enough - no desire. i want them to know im here for them, i want them to get off on it and use me for it but know im here for them. not because im trying to get something for myself bu because im giving them something i could do without. 

they wont see our time together as time they “waste”. even if we’re laying in bed watchng netflix - they will love it as they love me. all of our time together is an investment into each other as people we love and adore. 

and its not going to be him. and im sad - clearly. im clearly upset. im upset like anyone would be for a break up and the end of something you wanted. of course, he tells me this isnt a break up - only i would consider it as such and would be making that decision. and that we ultimately dont work because he wants his “wives”. but we ultimately dont work because of all of the above that he doesnt begin to meet. maybe a bit of cooking and cleaning - my exs were terrible but its not good enough nor is it equal. he told me he wouldnt stop by here when he had to come back for a wedding in september because he thought any time we spent together here was not worth it. like just having time together itself isnt worth it. i must be giving something to him for him to care. 

i mean i have to really reflect myself on why i stayed with him and why i loved him. i find it very very very hard to describe or explain for all this time and im not sure if i was just hopeless romantic or if i refused to see things for what they were. do i still love him? why? why do i still love him? like im really thinking hard on it because my default response had alwasy been “hes nice to me”. which he is - hes very very very sweet and no one else has treated me with as much kindness as he has just like as a human being. like no one had ever been so affectionate and sweet. but thats not even enough. 

he told me that if / when ive decided to end this that i had to let him know. it was repeated multiple times that i had to let him know. and as i reflect now - it means nothing overall. ive read into thousands of things in my time and led myself in far off fantasy lands to be broken hearted because of my own stupidity. but i question why i have to let him know. why do i have to let him know? he has left the entire province, cut off accessible communication and plans to carry on fucking other people but i ave to let HIM know when i’m done and moved on? why? will you assume differently if i dont tell you otherwise? like do you think we’re “together” - how do you tell someone who youre not in a relationship with that youve moved on from the relationship you dont have? 

you know, its not about convincing myself about anything. i’ve accepted his departure to a point that i am debating on how i want to handle it. i’m not convincing myself that hes staying or come to a grand epiphany. its not going to be a grand epiphany. its goingto be shit that was sitting in front of him the entire time. it is completely asinine and delusional. it’s not like i’m going to go on a date with someone and suddenly decide fuck him never talk to me again - i will become disinterested in him. and he will know ive become disinterested. i wont even be sly about it, lets be real. so you either ignore what im doing up until the very point its crossed the line anyways and youre just getting a fucking random heads up that ive been seeing this person for weeks now or you realize im disinterested and stop communicating with me because its not my obligation to inform you when im going steady with someone else. why would i tell you i no longer am with you in a relationship i was never in with you? i dont have to actually tell you anything at all. 

and having this knowledge does what? how does it affect things for you? why is it something you need to know? you have no plans for me in your future other than “ill spend my life with you... later”. the plans remain exactly the same whether im fucking someone else or not. so why is it important? 

is it control? how can he control me with this information? if i have already disattached to a point i have to inform him of it, he’s become mostly powerless and this is simply knowledge for himself. 

its endearing. he does these endearing little things that make me feel different ways about things and i actually believe him at a face value but my _gut_ tells me something different. its not like im delusionally believing hes going to change his mind and we live happily ever after. from my own experience of him it coul take literally years for him to change his mind about even one part of it - my brain knows this. my gut is saying wow theres so many red flags here pointing towards this being a delusion hes carrying. 

like he is more in love with me than i be with him. he is constantly looking at me just to look at me, is constantly concerned with my well being and will immediately jump to help me if i need it. he has repeated several times that he is completely invested in me as someone in his life and he cannot stand to see me suffer or go without because he only feels good if i’m happy. im contantly asked, “are you a happy girl?” when hes able to buy me food and give me weed and seemingly present all the things i wanted. he calls me everyday, sometimes multiple times a day and then almost assumes outright i will come to his house which mkes me feel weird when theres days where i think maybe i could stay home but i feel wanted and its nice. he tells me that no one has ever treated him as good as i have, that i am constantly on his mind. and yes this comes with his moderate infidelities of which he obvious set up to not be infidelities. ive told him over and over again that when he slept with someone else, we’d “see what would happen” but the implication was that i’d likely no longer be with him and for two years, despite it being there, he chose not to. i dint make him do that. i didnt say like ill destroy you if you sleep with someone else. i just told him wht i would be doing with my own actions based on his actions. and it would be to stop being with him. 

my gut tells me there is both an honesty and dishonesty here. i believe he thinks he is being honest with himself when he says he is making a tough decision to better life for both of us. (of course, of course “what about the multiple wives”) i believe, in his mind, that the only thing that changes between us is the routine. he is not well enough to give security for anything about the future. he is grasping for straws and cannot see any light for all the shit piled on to him. to me, my gut - and my god could i ever be wrong. and ive never been so open and honest about the potential of me having egg on my face. honestly i could be so fucking wrong and it could go so opposite. i dont know. this is just my gut. my gut tells me that hving so much piled on without ever dealing or  making even an effort to see the light has left him in antiquated views - he is not actually anyone right now. he is not himself. he is an amalgamation of all the experiences he had up until now and his current life no longer reflects these ideals he once held in his early 20s but much rides on his ideals. like his whole ego and character rides on these ideals. so he is doing what he has known, what has been built for him by all these other things out of routine and straight out not knowing what the fuck else to do. hes not going to be a pleb but hes not going to live this fantastical life he thought he might at 21. 

i honestly dont believe the mulitple wives thing is the issue between us. there are several severalllll things he has said that really points towards having much deeper commitment issues and insecurities that were never addressed because he has to keep up with this character. it would be just as crazy to say, “im going away to try and rid myself of my multiple wives ideals” 

he said to me, “ive thought about bringing you with me - ive thought about it and was like wel what the fuck will she do once she gets there”, implying i hve no relative work skills to find a job. 

it shouldnt be that. it should be “i thought aout bringing you with me but multiple wives”.  every single thng should come down to “but multiple wives”. all of it. doesnt matter if i have a job or not. what im doing. doesnt matter. mulitple wives.

but here we are. “its not a break up, your only seeing it that way from your perspective and youre welcome to but thats your decision not mine”

“i’m going to spend the rest of my life with you. i have already committed myself to you. whether you are with me or not, i want you to be happy. i want to be with you, this doesnt change.” 

“i need the support. if i were in the military and went away for five months what would you do?”

BUT. MULTIPLE. WIVES. i realize now i am the logical one here. that i am logically chronically bringing up the fact that this brings an end to our relationship because it cannot continue the way it is long distance. and he is the one unwilling to actually let it go. i am almost asking to break up and to have him set a scenario where neither of us have to feel really shitty about it and he will not accept the break up as is. 

but multiple wives?

if i were 24... id put on the blinders. like im trying to tell myself in some way i wouldnt but i absolutely would. i’d be like fuck it im with you lets fucking hash out these however fucking many months cuz im gonna prove my fucking love to you. and id be like a hopeless romantic, completely fucking dedicated with hearts in my eyes like this was all going to work out amazing. 

but im 28 and not naive anymore so im at this crossroads where im being asked to do that but im world wear enough to know that u dont make any promises to someone who cant make them to you. 

but didnt he? through every single fight he has not once told me to leave. he has never told me he doesnt love me. ive literally only been told hes committed to me but because he has contradicted it through other statements and actions ive struggled and i was right to struggle. it would be a struggle. i am the one who brings up the potential of him meeting someone else and like every other possibility i bring up - he agrees it could happen. but i dont think it was necessarily his first thought. 

he said, “i’m not going to communicate with you every two hours like your friend expects her boyfriend to”. i exaggerated it to days and weeks, but we dont speak every two hours now. nor did we when he went away on holidays. when he went away on holidays he rarely was involved in my daily happenings. it is being a military wife but without the fucking pride of your partner saving lives. its like well today he would rather play video games for several hours and jack off than have a decent conversation with me. 

of course - i’m literally putting this on him quite like how he puts it on me tht i would be a bum if i went with him. we become so hurt in these moments that i definitely begin to passive aggressively jab at him which causes him to become defensive. our fights dont start the way they end but theyre stil about the same topic. 

as an experiment, i sort of want to lie to him .. multiple times. like take advantage of this scenario where the chances of breaking their trust is pretty high but the chances of it not working out anyways are probably higher so i could just like.. life experiment. no one will die. i will be a shittier person for it. someone will know im a shitty person. and ill have to live with it. i will have probably deeply hurt them in a way that affects how they act with others later. of course if they find out that is which .. terrible. very terrible. i know right and wrong. 

but id first like to lie about having a job. this would be something id do casually. i wouldnt make ike a huge elaborate lie with characters involved and like storylines of my great success. i would simply say i got a job. and if he asked me about it i would tell him i dont want to talk about it. not because its illicit or anthing, but because its undefining to me. it means nothing and changes absolutely nothing at all. i will seemingly be less available. i will seemingly have “more money”. i would like to see what the response is and the ongoing reaction to it. would he not care at all or would he keep trying to ask me about it? would it change his opinion of me? would i be treated differently? although this is a shitty lie its not that i’m trying to trick him; i would always work to be with him if i were with him. but im not so i dont. sorry not sorry. my benefits affect you not at all and i have a place to live and food to eat so chill?  i just want to know what would change. i wantt o know maybe is it worth it to actually have a job because his attitude changes in such a way that it seems like im stable or secure. if he questioned why it came now  when he was gone... i dont know. i had other opportunities. i dont want to talk about it, it doesnt reflect anything on your life now. 

id then like to lie about seeing other people. play through that scenario. tell him, whether i did or not, that i had been seeing someone for the past few weeks and we’re together now. he’d likely tell me he was happy for me and keep whatever disappointment to himself. id like to, if i had the balls, really lay into it. “i’m not your girl anymore. i’m not your property. i’m just not yours anymore and i’m not going to be shared.” because thats what it is. thats really what it is. i coul sugar coat it, “ive been seeing someone else” but it translates to the fact im not yours anymore. 

of course it’d all be such cruel irony that it comes to be that hes not wht he thought he was and im actually way worse than i thought i was and showed my own ass. i also want to not pay him back the money i currently owe him and whatever i may owe him in the future if he buys me more weed. who knows if he actually will right now. i think if he still does its a sign that i shoulnt be a piece of shit and lie or steal because its a commitment and dedication even with this frustration right now. 

i want to act as though he has already left before he leaves. i dont really want to see him before he leaves. this is my selfish act, i suppose. if youre gone, youre gone. i dont want to play house for three days and smile and wave as you drive away. thats not who i am and i deserve different.  it doesnt correlate with his vision that we’re still together very much but im just so upset and frustrated. and if im not being negatie and i dont have to be positive i want to be nothing at all in his life right now. neither negative or positive. im not going to support you the way you want on this so im not going to be there for it and make it harder on you. 

im actually pretty stoked not to see his mother anymore. honestly. shes very two faced to me now and ive lost any respect i had left for her. ive found it hard to treat her nicely and she is a reminder of a part of society that im not a fan of and wont be involved with. not only has he been detrimental, but she has been as well - telling me to my face outright that i had no friends outside of her son when i had a dozen more i saw regularly. thats not support or care or lifting someone up in any way. this is belittle and degrading them until they “break” and “come to your side”. i really appreciated that she was willing to “take me in” for what its worth but it was never anything that wouldve catapulted me to any where from where i am. but they felt they had given sooo much help to me nd that it all should be life changing because i have dinner with them. 

i am not even anxious or sad about the time im about to spend alone. and its going to be alot of time. im going to be too bitter for the first bit to be proactive in much of anything and i will take the time to be bitter. but ive learned to fill my days and as he fades more into the distance i think i will itch for something - anything - to look for in my future and ill make something for myself.