#top ten things that heal my inner child (and by inner child i mean adult me using echoes to get myself through 2020 asdfsadf)

[good-beansdraws]

Fe Aspec Week Day 2: Friendship

An indulgent piece for today!!!! :') It's no secret the trio's friendship has always had a really special place in my heart, and I've been grateful for the taste of acceptance and contentment it brought me during (and long after) I played the game. To see them find the most caring and complete friendship in each other was truly inspiring.

Here's to all of us finding the people that make us "never long for companionship throughout the rest of our days" <3

[garciaasfluffypen]

take care of me (like i take care of you) pt. 2

pairing: jemily x adhd!reader word count: 2.3k warnings: reader’s kinda bratty in this one! reader is confused as to why being bratty is making them feel tingly but they like it so they keep doing it, softdom!jj begins to make an appearance, color system usage, the origin of jj refusing to be called mommy (she has a moment™️)

a/n: hi besties!! i wrote this on my phone because i can’t find my laptop charger so please excuse any sort of typos you find! thats also why the beginning of this post currently isn’t formatted like the other ones but soon as i can charge my laptop i’ll be fixing it. there will be a part three to this! i had to find a good place to end or else this would have been a beast to read lol.

ps. when i wrote this i was 100% imagining white tank top!jj and emily in the burgundy lululemon looking sweatshirt from the episode where they’re building the crib for kristy and matt ;)

you couldn’t contain your excitement as you basically tripped over your feet to run up to jj’s audi, jumping up and down in your seat as you waited for your girlfriends to join you. it was five minutes past nine and everyone was ready so naturally you ran to the car. you had been ready for two hours, but that was only because you had gotten up so early. you had everything you could possibly need in your little cross shoulder body bag and had to stop yourself from biting your fingernails to the quip in pure excitement as you waited. emily came out first, slipping you your preferred chewy necklace that was easy to hide under your shirt. as soon as the chewy end of it entered your mouth, emily’s hands reached around you and wrapped the black string around your neck. without realizing it you naturally leaned into her touch, pulling her hand toward your cheek as you fidgeted with the hem of your shirt while you stared at the door leading inside the kitchen. jj came out a few minutes later, her to-go cup of coffee tucked neatly away in the crook of her arm as she started to pull up the directions to the zoo.

jj slid into the drivers seat with ease, smiling at you as she saw the way you were sitting. she grabbed your hand and gave it a squeeze before placing your phone in it, chuckling lightly at the layer of blush that ended up on your cheeks as you sheepishly took it from her. your block blast game was still up on the screen as you left it on the bathroom counter when you started doing your makeup. jj started the car and reversed out the driveway, leaving you to become reimmersed in your game. before you knew it you could just start see the sign for the zoo on the water tower peeking over the houses in the distance, meaning you were just about ten minutes away.

“lovey, besides seeing the giraffes, is there anything you want to do today?”

“um… i haven’t seen the elephants in a long time.” you paused, thinking. “and also the lions, i want to see the lions too.”

“do you think we could fit in a visit to the lemurs?” jj shot a glance to you. “i quite like lemurs.”

you nodded. “we can definitely see the lemurs.”

you made a mental note to yourself that jj liked lemurs, adding it to the little box that you had in your brain with facts about your girlfriends. it was mainly filled with silly little facts that most people wouldn’t normally pay attention to, like the fact emily writes in print script or that jj only eats salt and vinegar chips when she’s high. sure, there were the obvious facts that almost everyone on the team knew, but there were ones that were just your facts. and you wanted to keep them that way.

despite being a fully grown adult, you knew deep down that things like this were needed to help heal your inner child. you didn’t have the best childhood, but you were doing your best to fix it now. you bounced anxiously on the balls of your feet as you waited for the train to take you to the back of the zoo, the wind blowing your hair all around your face as you waited. jj silently pulled you toward her and helped you pull your hair back, putting it in a single braid for you.

by the time you got to the giraffe exhibit you could barely contain your excitement, your hands balling into fits and promptly unballing themselves as you tried to combat the need to stim. your arms stiffened as you tried to hold back your energy, shaking a bit as you focused on staying still as you could. that didn’t last long, seeing as there wasn’t many people around you at the moment and your girlfriends were positioned behind you. you let your hands start flapping, doing your best to keep them close to your sides as possible. a small squeak of noise came out of your mouth as you watched the zoo keepers slowly bring out the stars of the event. the crowd around you started to grow as the people made their way up from the front of the zoo, most of them not paying you any attention and instead looking for the little baby that the zoo was celebrating.

slowly but surely the calf made it's way out of the enclosure, still a little unsteady on it's feet. you watched in awe as it made it's way around the exhibit, noting how small it was compared to it's parents. jj wrapped her arms around you from behind, intertwining her fingers with your hands and placing a kiss on your shoulder. you could tell she was standing on her tip toes to reach your shoulder and made sure to flatten your feet, considering you tended to stay on your tip toes when you got too excited about things.

“how tall do you think he is?”

“i’d guesstimate around 6 feet.” you rocked up and back down to flat feet as you spoke. “giraffes give birth standing up so they fall roughly six feet to the ground but get up on their feet within the hour.”

“you know more about giraffes than i thought.”

“i had a hyperfixation on wild animals and the care of them before i ended up in the academy. i was wanting to double major in zoology and communications before i started to look into paths to go down with a communications degree.” you turned to face jj and emily. “i was going to be an advocate for animal rights but then i started reading about the fbi and decided that would probably be a better path to go down.”

before you could continue your thoughts, the chime that sounded before the giraffe feedings sounded, signaling for everyone who had a ticket to line up. you were closer to the end, whch was fine because it meant you could watch the giraffes for longer. emily and jj made sure to take pictures of you the whole time, smiling and laughing along with you as the giraffe’s tongue tickled your hand while it ate the leaves you held out. by the time you got out of the exhibit, your stomach started to rumble and you pouted towards your girlfriends as you walked past one of the many cafés scattered around the zoo. without a word, emily pulled the three of you inside, telling you to order whatever you wanted. you ended up going for the chicken tenders and fries, knowing that the meal was something you most likely would have gotten when you came as a child. it was hard to remember if you ever came, but you presumed it was what you got because it felt right.

by the time the three of you made it to the halfway point, you started to realize your whole body was beginning to hurt. you weren’t sure if it was from physically stopping yourself from stimming in the bigger crowds, or if it was from all the walking you had done. either way, you found yourself starting to slow down a bit and start to feel like you needed a ten hour nap. it was only when you got toward the lemur exhibit when your body really started to hurt, and you unintentionally started to let it slip into your mind that you were hurting and needed to go home.

jj was the first to notice that you were starting to feel off, clocking the heaviness of your walking and the fact you had started to get a little whiney. there had been approximately three times in the five years she had known you that she had ever seen you this way. and all of those times happened when you were over exerting yourself. most of the times it was because you were stubborn, but this time it didn’t seem that way. within ten minutes you were complaining about how much your feet hurt and how you felt like you were going to die if you didn’t get to sit down within the next five minutes. emily and jj fell a few steps behind you, whispering to each other about how to go about the situation.

“do you think she’s subconsciously wanting us to.. i dunno, take control? lacey mentioned something about that at the support group on saturday.”

jj chewed at the end of her necklace. “it's possible. i’m willing to try it if you are, but the second they push back or show any signs of not going along with it i’m stopping.”

“are you going to take the lead on this?”

“if you don’t mind. we know how easily they’ll react to you, i’m curious what would happen if you didn’t say anything but i did.”

“then do it. i trust you.”

jj squeezed emily’s hand before making her way back over to where you sat on the bench, watching the zebra walk by and graze on the grass in front of you. you definitely looked worse for wear, considering the braid your hair had been in all day was beginning to come undone and you most definitely got sunburned on your shoulders at some point. jj knew you weren’t feeling well, and that you were hiding it in order to appease her and emily. it was something she had noticed multiple times throughout their time with you so far. even if you didn’t feel like doing something, you typically would put on a happy face and go through with it anyway. it hadn’t happened much, but she had started to catch it more and more.

“y/n, it’s time to go.”

“what? no!” you gasped. “we haven’t even been to the polar bears yet!”

“i know, and i know you want to finish it but i’m calling it.” jj stepped closer to you, her voice dropping. “you’re tired and need to go home and rest. i’m giving you til the count of five, and if you don’t get up and come with us to the car we won’t go to dolphin beach this weekend.”

“you wouldn’t!”

“five.”

“jayje- this isn’t fair! em-my, do something!” you whined, staring at the brunette.

“two.” jj raised an eyebrow as you refused to budge. “fine, we stay, but no beach then.”

“i’d listen to her if i were you.” emily replied. “while we haven’t truly gotten into that dynamic with you just yet, i will say that i’d be careful how much you go against her, lovey.” emily gave you a pointed look before clasping her hands together. “that being said, we use the color system. red means hard stop, yellow means i’m uncomfortable and green means go.” emily paused. “color?”

“green.”

“good. if anything changes, tell jj. i’m going to go to the ladies room, i’ll meet you up by the gates.”

emily placed a kiss on jj’s cheek and simply patted you on the shoulder before walking towards the front of the zoo, leaving you alone with the blonde. the logical part of your brain knew she was right. you were tired, your body was aching and you couldn’t walk for more than five minutes without having to sit down. but on the other hand, you were having fun poking the bear. reluctantly you got up, huffing and making a big deal of going home. you didn’t understand much about the way it was making you feel, but you knew it sent a tingle through your body seeing jj getting all worked up. it was amusing to you how red she got from you simply being a brat. and frankly, you liked it.

“you’re being unfair!”

“this attitude stops now, y/n. we’re going home.”

you bit your tongue cheekily, a glint forming in your eyes as you waited to see jj’s reaction. “mommy, you’re being mean to me.”

jj whipped her head to you, balling her hand into a fist at the side of her body. “what did you just call me?”

“… mommy?”

jj stopped walking suddenly, causing you to bump into her. “red.” she swallowed. “i’d like to talk about that later, when we’re home. not right now.”

“i’m sorry.” you looked at the ground, mortified. “it won’t happen again.”

a wave of guilt overtook your body as you two quietly walked to the front of the zoo, emily sensed some tension the second she saw you two, but knew that if she said anything you would probably start to spiral. by the time you got back to the car, all you could do was slip into the backseat and hope that jj wasn’t do mad at you that she was going to end everything. emily, albeit confused, took the front seat, trying to get an accurate read on jj. something happened while she was in the bathroom, but she couldn’t place a finger on what exactly that something was. by the time jj pulled into the driveway, the tension in the car had gotten so thick you couldn’t hold your tears back, letting them fall slowly down your cheeks as you forced yourself not to sob.

“go to our room. i’m going to compose my thoughts, give us a minute to calm down, then i’ll come talk to you.”

“o-okay.”

jj waited until you got out of the car to look at emily. “i called red.”

“what happened?”

“she called me mommy. i didn’t like it. i felt… gross. it was almost… too feminine?” jj looked at emily. “i probably sound crazy but-“

“you’re allowed to not like the way it makes you feel, jay.”

“i just don’t understand why it made my skin crawl.”

“may i.. is that why you don’t like being called beautiful or pretty?”

jj’s head snapped up. “huh?”

“the feminine terms. you don’t like them.”

“not necessarily, no.”

emily nodded. “we don’t have to unravel this now, but we need to put a pin in this. the three of us need to talk about that together so we’re all on the same page.”

“you’re right. can you go check on them? i just need… i need to think about how i’m going to articulate everything.”

“of course.” emily squeezed jj’s hand. “come up when you’re ready.”

“i will. promise.”

taglist: @jayden-prentiss @idkwhatever580 @multifandomlesbianic @softestqueeen

[rabbit-head-007]

Ok, people were asking for more Encanto headcanons so here are some for the Madrigal Triplets!

-For starters, its confirmed by the director that their birth order is Julieta, Pepa, and then Bruno so we’ll go forward with that info

-that being said; BABY BROTHER IS ALWAYS IN THE MIDDLE

-Julieta and Pepa always keep Bruno in the middle of their group so as to protectively flank him on either side since he’s not the best when it comes to social situations

-if they were in modern times this means he’s also the sibling that always gets relegated to the middle seat in the car too - even as an adult

-They were all born three minutes apart (because all things come in three’s with the Madrigals) and are always very close to one another even if they get on each other’s nerves sometimes

-Pepa was the most attached to her siblings, especially when they were little, and didn’t like to be separated from them for too long - she just didn’t like change in general

-she was also the last one to get the hang of walking when they were first learning, and would pull her brother and sister back down if they walked too far away from her

-before they got their doors at 5, the triplets would all sleep in their Mamá’s room with Alma (and once again Bruno’s sisters insisted he be in the middle because he’s ‘the baby’)

-but even after their gift ceremony they still slept in there for another 2 years

-Alma can remember their gift ceremony, and wishing her kids goodnight as she went back to her room only to see the triplets come back out of their doors in their pajama’s and scuttle back to her bed

-Bruno’s room freaked them all out and it took some time for him to work up the courage to go up all the stairs

-so each day he and his sisters would see how far up they each could go before they got scared and ran back down

-the ultimate scare was making it to the top and seeing the ominous carvings on the wall

-there are markings in his room drawn by them as kids saying things like “BRUNO WUZ HERE” and “PEPA’S HIGH SCORE” and “Hi :)” (that last one was by Julieta)

-after the movie when Bruno returns to his room he can see new markings at the top with much more adult handwriting saying “Hi Bruno… please come home soon” and “Pepa’s new high score…Bruno where are you?” It was their first time ever making it all the way to the top and into the vision cave

-when Bruno first retreated into the walls it rained for three days straight and he could hear Pepa crying very loudly upon the steps leading up to his door because it upset her to see the light upon it go out. When he listened closely he could hear Julieta too

-needless to say, explaining where he had been the last ten years was even more difficult

-Julieta: “Bruno, we were worried sick, where were you? :(“

Bruno about to explain to his sisters that he had been living in the walls for the past ten years which is the most horrific thing for anyone to acknowledge, let alone your sisters who thought you had been dead this whole time: “have a drink first <:) 🥃”

-Pepa is *the* ultimate grudge holder, and Julieta and Bruno are very used to it, hence “We Don’t Talk About Bruno” (although granted the song was also probably Pepa’s only way to cope without crying and nearly flooding the town)

-Pepa on another tirade: “You thought the wedding was bad??? You should have seen our birthday when Juli-“

Julieta: “Yes, yes, Pepa, I pushed your face into the birthday cake, I know. We were seven years old.”

Pepa: “And you ruined my new birthday dress! D:<“

-because her gift is centered on healing, Julieta has a very clinical mind and is very interested in anatomy and healing

-as a child she’d often borrow books on the human body from the library and was very fascinated by all the little details and inner functions of the body

-when Alma was getting ready to give ‘The Talk’ she was very mortified when Julieta said “Don’t worry Mamá! I told Bruno and Pepa all about it from my books! :D”

-Alma was then given the most in-depth and pictorial description she had ever heard and she didn’t know whether to be proud or mortified the way Bruno and Pepa were

-Bruno and Pepa were especially weepy when Mirabel turned four because she looked so much like a little Julieta

Julieta: “Pepa, can I have my daughter back now?”

Pepa who has been holding a sleepy Mirabel for the last half hour “Five more minutes? <:)”

-Bruno and Pepa are always the last people Julieta asks for help in the kitchen because Bruno is a terrible cook and Pepa can’t resist stealing bites of food

-Julieta to Pepa as she watches Camilo steal another plate of food: “See? He learns that from you. I know he learns that from you because Félix is too polite to do something like that”

Ok if I share anymore this post will get too long, lol

Thanks again for the asks, folks! 💙🧡💚

[healthandhealingtherapy]

Therapist Spotlight: Khoa Ngo LCPC

We at Health and Healing Therapy want to give you the opportunity to get to know our therapists, what their clients struggle with, how they help, and who they are. We believe that connection and comfort with your therapist is vital to growth and healing, so we hope that knowing more about us can put you to ease and assist you in making a decision about whether we are the right therapy practice for you. To do so, we have interviewed each of our therapists about themselves, their careers, and their thoughts around therapy.

Stepping into the spotlight, we have our lovely therapist, Khoa Ngo! In the first part of her interview, Khoa talks about therapy offering new perspectives and possibilities, the importance of compassion with yourself and others, and her desire for her clients to find peace.

Why do you think it’s important for people to participate in therapy?

A lot of people come to therapy for different reasons, and I think everyone could potentially use therapy. We all have aspirations that we want to grow and become better people, or maybe there’s something in our lives that we just want to be better. But in this country especially, most people seek therapy when they see there’s a problem or when they’re really unhappy with a part of their life. I think therapy is important because it often offers a new perspective that people have never looked at before, or a perspective that others may have tried to get them to see, but because of the relationship they have with those people, it acts as a barrier to seeing those possibilities. In therapy, I think a lot of times you are able to let those defenses down in order to see the possibilities. So, I think it’s important to participate in therapy just because there are lots and lots of different ways to look at things, and it opens up people’s possibilities so that they can see things in a new way that might help them in life.

What does a therapy session with you look like?

Well, it depends. If it’s a child – who is usually ten years old or younger – part of that therapy session will be spent with a parent. We’ll do some type of relationship work or parent coaching of how the parent can support their child in whatever they’re going through or whatever they’re trying to help their kid grow in. Then, with the child, we might talk for a little bit, but the session usually involves games. We’ll learn in a more playful environment, whether it’s talking during the game, or playing a game that teaches different skills. Things like coping skills or talking about your feelings. With really little ones, we might watch something on YouTube, like a little show, or sometimes I look at various books, review them and talk about it. That’s what it looks like for kids. For adults and couples, it’s a lot of identifying emotions. Getting them to talk about their problems and what they’re going through and identifying a lot of the underlying thoughts and emotions present that might be causing certain behaviors. Exploring the underlying things that we don’t normally think of and lead us to acting without thinking.

What is the best advice you’ve given in a therapy session?

With littler kids, it’s typically for their parents, and it’s usually to not be so hard on themselves. A lot of the time, that’s applicable for adult clients, too. Oftentimes, people are way too hard on themselves, and so it’s important to tell them to take it easy, find compassion for themselves, that they’re doing a good job, and that coming to therapy is actually a good sign itself that they’re doing an amazing job because they’re caring for themselves. So, yeah! I also talk a lot about compassion with couples – trying to give their significant other the benefit of the doubt. A lot of the time in relationships we tend to focus a lot on all the things our partner is doing wrong, or on how we feel wronged by our partner, so I encourage couples to approach each other with an awareness that their partner may be hurting just as much as them or at least isn’t intentionally trying to do harm. That’s probably the best advice I give them: to try to give their partner the benefit of the doubt on things that are hard.

What is one of the hardest parts of being a therapist?

Sometimes it’s hard to keep a more objective point of view. I believe most things are subjective, but keeping your opinions to yourself can be difficult. Occasionally, you just want to be frank and tell someone, “don’t do that!”, “don’t say that!”, or “that person isn’t good for you to have in your life.” Sometimes it’s hard to hold back when you want to give advice on something because that’s not the point of therapy. It isn’t about giving advice, but sometimes it’s really, really hard to not say, “okay, do this.” *laughs* Another difficult part is staying in the moment. It can be really hard on a day where you’re seeing many clients in a given, so much so that sometimes it’s difficult to stay in the moment.

What do you like the most about being a therapist?

I like to learn about other people’s lives, inner thoughts, and their story. Along with that, the second part would be just helping them see their lives in a more positive light, or changing their point of view on certain things going on in their life. Still, first and foremost, I like to hear their stories, their personal perspectives, and things like that.

What are common challenges that your clients face? What is an area or are areas of specialty you have?

I would say that a common challenge is probably clients judging themselves too harshly – it goes with what I answered earlier. A lot of people are really hard on themselves. They think they should be a certain way, or they think something’s wrong with them, or they think the way that they’re feeling about something is wrong, or that the way they’re reacting to something is wrong, which means that something’s wrong with them. And so, I think many of the clients that I see feel like something’s wrong with them. “They’re not very kind to themselves” would be a good way to put it, I guess. A specialty of mine would be couples therapy, as well as parenting interventions – those would be my top two. In addition, I help people with depression and anxiety.

What do you want/is your hope for your clients?

My hope is for my clients to find a sense of peace somewhere in their lives. A sense of peace or confidence, I guess – either one. For some people, there’s so much chaos in life, and I think it’s important to find a little peace and confidence because they kind of go hand in hand. If we feel good about ourselves, we tend to be able to find that peace a little bit better with the things that are in our lives.

What do clients say about working with you?

That was the hardest question! I don’t know. I don’t know what they say. Without sounding full of myself, the only things that they’ve said to me about working with me is that I’m very helpful and that they feel like I understand them. They say that I give them a sense of feeling understood, and, for a lot of people, they’re feeling that for the first time. They feel like they’ve walked through life without anyone ever understanding what they’re going through, or listening to them. That’s another thing – they say they feel really listened to, and that coming to therapy with me is just generally helpful. I remember my toughest client – I just asked him once, “why do you come?” *laughs* He was difficult, but he was very consistent in coming, and the one time he forgot, he felt so terrible. He was very stuck in a really rough place, and when I asked him, he said, “it’s helpful.” So, I think my clients see me as helpful and good at making people feel understood and heard.

Click here to schedule an appointment.

[trendingnewsb]

Empathy vs Sympathy: Why Some People Are More Likeable Than Others

Several years ago I went through a gut-wrenching break-up. It was traumatic, painful and devastating. The one bright spot amidst the tears and heartache was the understanding, devotion and genuine care displayed by my family and friends as I went through the healing process. It meant the world to me.

Several months later one of my family members fell ill. Once again I turned to my support system. This time, however, their response was a bit different. It wasn’t that they didn’t care per se, they expressed their feelings a bit differently. I sensed that they couldn’t quite feel where I was coming from. They seem to be more understanding and emotionally supportive during my break up. Their lukewarm and slightly distant responses left me feeling angry, confused and hurt.

This experience taught me the difference between empathy and sympathy.

When one doesn’t have similar experience, very likely he has sympathy rather than empathy

Once I was able to distance myself from the situations and view them a bit more objectively I realized a few important factors which helped explain the differences in the responses I received.

The first thing I learned is that when people have shared or similar experiences, it resonates with them more. During my break up I heard things like, “girl, I know how you feel,” or “chile it ain’t going to be easy, take as much time as you need to get over this,” and “call me anytime you need to talk–day or night–and I’ll be there to listen.” These responses came from a place of knowing how I felt in the moment. These responses were sprinkled with kindness, concern and most important, empathy.

The second important thing I learned is that when it comes to experiences that are foreign to others, people tend to disassociate their feelings and lean towards providing advice. This type of response–while it can appear uncaring, cold and a bit callous, truly is birth out of a place of sincere compassion and sympathy.

And there in lies the difference between empathizing and sympathizing. Empathy is the ability to see the situation from the other person’s perspective. It is the ability to stand in his or her shoes and endure the gut punch.

Sympathy, on the other hand, allows another person to see the situation through the lens of a spectator–similar to watching a movie. It is a place of distance and inexperience. It allows an individual to see the gut punch but not feel it. It leaves the spectator saying, “Man, that must have hurt. If I were them I would have…”

When a person is in pain, emotional support always trumps practical advice

The worse thing you can do during a time of turmoil is providing advice. Sure you mean well, but giving unsolicited advice is never a good idea. Nine times out of ten, when a person is in despair they want to feel heard and understood. As hard as it can be sometimes–simply listening to a person can be the most helpful and profoundly comforting thing you can do. When a person is in pain, emotional support always trumps practical advice.

Let’s say your good friend loses their job and you’ve never experienced job loss or struggled with unemployment. Saying things like “at least you got your health,” or ” you’ve got money saved, you’ll be alright…” won’t help. They are accurate and your friend will bounce back, however, the true struggle may have nothing at all to do with money. He or she could be feeling betrayed, devalued, unappreciated and feel a loss of identity. Those responses don’t address how the person is feeling.

Instead, listen first. Try to understand how they are feeling. Try to visualize it in your mind’s eye–not how you would feel in the situation but try to imagine how they said they feel. Then and only then should you speak. And when you do, say things that address their concerns such as, “you put in so much time and energy into that job, I understand why you feel betrayed, ” or “you’re right, they should have at least given you a warning that the company was downsizing…”

If all else fails, just listening, wiping away tears and letting them know that you are here – no matter what they need…

Here are four ways to move from sympathizing to empathizing:

Find a way to relate to what they are experiencing

Try to establish some sort of common ground in your mind. In the example of a friend who’ve experienced job loss, try relating to their feelings of rejection. We’ve all experienced rejection in some form or another. Maybe you had a bad break up with your Ex. The situations are very different but the feelings are parallel. Draw on that experience to help you empathize with what they are feeling.

Practice finding commonalities with everyone you meet

Finding a way to relate to those around you not only makes you more empathetic it makes you more relatable. When you meet a new person, make it a practice to find at least three things you have in common with them.

Also, when people are sharing their experiences with you, work to engage your imagination and visualize what they are saying. Try injecting yourself into the situation and feeling what they felt. Doing this helps train your brain to move from a state of ego-centrism to being “other’s” focused.

The Journal of Neuroscience[1] published a study in which researchers found that the tendency to be egocentric is natural for human beings. However, researchers also found that a part of your brain recognizes the lack of empathy and corrects itself. According to the study:

“This specific part of your brain is called the the right supramarginal gyrus. When this brain region doesn’t function properly—or when we have to make particularly quick decisions— researchers found one’s ability for empathy is dramatically reduced. This area of the brain helps us to distinguish our own emotional state from that of other people and is responsible for empathy and compassion.”

Respond to feelings not words

When a wound is fresh and a person is angry and hurt they are also confused. This is why listening to understand is so paramount to producing an empathetic response. You have to listen with your ears, your eyes and most importantly your heart. You have to hear the subtext and what is not being said.

Parents, teachers, caregivers and anyone who works with children understand this concept. Kids–especially when they are very little–don’t have the vocabulary to adequately express themselves. Adults have to assess the situation, interpret body language and facial expressions and in some way relate to what the child has experienced. The adult then responds to what the child is feeling in lieu of what they said.

Listen, Listen LISTEN

The key to comforting someone who is hurting is listening. You could have experienced the EXACT thing they are going through but you and your friend are unique individuals and see things differently. You may think you know how they feel because of how you feel but you can never be sure until they tell you.

You have to learn to fight the urge to jump in and say something. Even when the situation gets awkward and you feel something should be said. Fight the urge. Turn off your inner dialogue. Stop constructing your response. Listen to them.

They will tell you–through their words, tears and actions–exactly what they need. And if you are unsure what to do or say, asking the simple question, “what can I do to help” or what do you need from me,” is better than assuming and doing the wrong thing.

Empathy requires more than merely putting yourself into someone else’s position. It is the ability to imagine yourself as him in the exact situation he or she is in. You cannot empathize with an abstract. The experience must become concrete.

When done correctly, empathy leads to compassion which is suffering with someone in lieu of merely pitying them. True empathy says I share your emotions. Compassion, which is built from empathy, is the truest form of comfort we as humans can provide.

Reference

[1]^Psychology Today: The Neuroscience of Empathy

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Why would you ask me anything? Who am I?

Hey!

I am so excited to begin this blog with an introduction, it seems appropriate. On top of having a place to share my articles I will be asking you, the reader, to send me questions and ask for wild holistic fact based advice, you can also comment, like and a share. I respond really well. (in this blog I will respond to a question once a week)

So to get right to it, I am a mother of two. My daughter is 21 and my son is 17. I am 39 now and I have an empty nest already! What I know about myself is my need to care for others is obsessive, it’s my default. My go to role is helper and I can’t deny it, I have tried but frankly its just what I am good at. My boyfriend tells me I need a dog soon! I want a doodle, they are so beautiful! Another great self discovery is that helping translates well into a leadership role, I do well at creating a culture where everyone’s best interest is at heart. I just genuinely want to be helping where I can. Hence, this blog!

So a little more about me and who the hell I think I am. In my relationships I was given a wide range of emotional experience; I lost my baby daddy when my daughter was four months (we were engaged), my sons father and I split when he was just one, I have lived a common law life, a single mom life and now a life where interdependence is the goal. My grandmother once told me I have lived enough for three, that was when I was 27.

A little on my work history; I have been apprentice reporter at CBC radio, stay at home mom (year and a half with each child), customer care operator, cold call operator selling cell phones (I did well, I might add), hairdresser, esthetician, poet, writer, performer, coach, counselor, workshop facilitator, educator, just to name a few. I have studied beauty for over twenty years and the psychology of emotions for over ten of those. It all wraps up into this, I am person that is really passionately obsessed with what makes me tick and how I can be a better human being and more beautiful inside and outside; a better mom, a better employee, a better girlfriend/partner and more successful all around, now I want to know how to be an entrepreneur and try my hand at branding myself on line and pretty much anything else you can think of. I am currently beginning a start up to manufacture a luxury infused oil with hand picked wild flowers for face and hair, I just want to do well. Ahem, over achiever people pleaser in recovery! Maybe I should get a dog? 

My big shift to inner space was after a car accident, I was forced to consider a career change, and I discovered I was more interested in what made people feel better, rather than look better. At the same time, my daughter was coming of age and as she started growing up fast. I realized I had very little to give her in terms of advice or guidance to lead her towards a happy life. Last but not least, my son was the first long term relationship I had with the opposite sex! I had to ask myself the hard question of “what kind of man will I raise?” It was a sobering moment. It was like symbols clashing over my head to wake up. So I began to study every thing about wellness; scientific, spiritual, psychological and relate these things to my life and my everyday interactions. I have discovered its not all that glamorous and takes a lot of courage to have honest moments with people that you care about and even more so with weeding out people, places or things you don’t care about!

So in conclusions to who I think am I, I will say conservatively I have over a dozen diplomas and certificates and over a thousand hours in training in each beauty and intuitive coaching that could amount to what we collectively define as “expertise” in a field of study. I have had many coaches and mentors and I believe I always will be learning. I listen to two to three pod cast a day that relate to the psychology of success whether it’s about food and the body, money and emotions or mindful mental clarity, I am averaging about three books a month, all subjects about personal success. It took me months of thinking to myself, “who the hell am I to have a blog?”.  My litmus test is this; I have the courage to make this blog and follow through, I have healthy relationships with my children and I am currently dating a man that is my equal partner. The moment of clarity; all of this takes daily cultivation but then it takes action and my next step is to give, to pay it forward. 

I believe I have something genuine to offer the world. These things ebb and flow, I am not always this confident and I use the term “healthy” loosely just like the word “normal” and maybe that is the point? I can say honestly the meaning of being healthy is not perfection and its not glamorous at all, we are all going to have knee jerk reactions in life.The catch is that relationships never go away and often we have to come back to conflict over and over again until we can simply say with certainty, “this is how I feel right now”, without a fear based reaction. Whether it was my inner turmoil or the past living in a current relationship, for me I needed clarity and often it required feedback. I was so blessed and very lucking to get honest and practical advice, feedback and training, so now I pay it forward. My mission in life, no matter how many attempts it takes, is to simply respond to my experience with as much interest and healing intention as possible. That is my passion now and in my opinion, it is also the ultimate challenge in life and I love it!

So, thank you for reading this full article and introduction! You can ask me for some holistic wild fact based advice, anonymously if you like but give me a nick name if you can. Also, stay tuned for more articles in my attempt to demystify all the glamour around being an emotionally intelligent human being and my story telling of a first nations single mom of adult children looking for a tribe lol. I hope it helps you on your way and puts a smile on your face!

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Empathy vs Sympathy: Why Some People Are More Likeable Than Others

Several years ago I went through a gut-wrenching break-up. It was traumatic, painful and devastating. The one bright spot amidst the tears and heartache was the understanding, devotion and genuine care displayed by my family and friends as I went through the healing process. It meant the world to me.

Several months later one of my family members fell ill. Once again I turned to my support system. This time, however, their response was a bit different. It wasn’t that they didn’t care per se, they expressed their feelings a bit differently. I sensed that they couldn’t quite feel where I was coming from. They seem to be more understanding and emotionally supportive during my break up. Their lukewarm and slightly distant responses left me feeling angry, confused and hurt.

This experience taught me the difference between empathy and sympathy.

When one doesn’t have similar experience, very likely he has sympathy rather than empathy

Once I was able to distance myself from the situations and view them a bit more objectively I realized a few important factors which helped explain the differences in the responses I received.

The first thing I learned is that when people have shared or similar experiences, it resonates with them more. During my break up I heard things like, “girl, I know how you feel,” or “chile it ain’t going to be easy, take as much time as you need to get over this,” and “call me anytime you need to talk–day or night–and I’ll be there to listen.” These responses came from a place of knowing how I felt in the moment. These responses were sprinkled with kindness, concern and most important, empathy.

The second important thing I learned is that when it comes to experiences that are foreign to others, people tend to disassociate their feelings and lean towards providing advice. This type of response–while it can appear uncaring, cold and a bit callous, truly is birth out of a place of sincere compassion and sympathy.

And there in lies the difference between empathizing and sympathizing. Empathy is the ability to see the situation from the other person’s perspective. It is the ability to stand in his or her shoes and endure the gut punch.

Sympathy, on the other hand, allows another person to see the situation through the lens of a spectator–similar to watching a movie. It is a place of distance and inexperience. It allows an individual to see the gut punch but not feel it. It leaves the spectator saying, “Man, that must have hurt. If I were them I would have…”

When a person is in pain, emotional support always trumps practical advice

The worse thing you can do during a time of turmoil is providing advice. Sure you mean well, but giving unsolicited advice is never a good idea. Nine times out of ten, when a person is in despair they want to feel heard and understood. As hard as it can be sometimes–simply listening to a person can be the most helpful and profoundly comforting thing you can do. When a person is in pain, emotional support always trumps practical advice.

Let’s say your good friend loses their job and you’ve never experienced job loss or struggled with unemployment. Saying things like “at least you got your health,” or ” you’ve got money saved, you’ll be alright…” won’t help. They are accurate and your friend will bounce back, however, the true struggle may have nothing at all to do with money. He or she could be feeling betrayed, devalued, unappreciated and feel a loss of identity. Those responses don’t address how the person is feeling.

Instead, listen first. Try to understand how they are feeling. Try to visualize it in your mind’s eye–not how you would feel in the situation but try to imagine how they said they feel. Then and only then should you speak. And when you do, say things that address their concerns such as, “you put in so much time and energy into that job, I understand why you feel betrayed, ” or “you’re right, they should have at least given you a warning that the company was downsizing…”

If all else fails, just listening, wiping away tears and letting them know that you are here – no matter what they need…

Here are four ways to move from sympathizing to empathizing:

Find a way to relate to what they are experiencing

Try to establish some sort of common ground in your mind. In the example of a friend who’ve experienced job loss, try relating to their feelings of rejection. We’ve all experienced rejection in some form or another. Maybe you had a bad break up with your Ex. The situations are very different but the feelings are parallel. Draw on that experience to help you empathize with what they are feeling.

Practice finding commonalities with everyone you meet

Finding a way to relate to those around you not only makes you more empathetic it makes you more relatable. When you meet a new person, make it a practice to find at least three things you have in common with them.

Also, when people are sharing their experiences with you, work to engage your imagination and visualize what they are saying. Try injecting yourself into the situation and feeling what they felt. Doing this helps train your brain to move from a state of ego-centrism to being “other’s” focused.

The Journal of Neuroscience[1] published a study in which researchers found that the tendency to be egocentric is natural for human beings. However, researchers also found that a part of your brain recognizes the lack of empathy and corrects itself. According to the study:

“This specific part of your brain is called the the right supramarginal gyrus. When this brain region doesn’t function properly—or when we have to make particularly quick decisions— researchers found one’s ability for empathy is dramatically reduced. This area of the brain helps us to distinguish our own emotional state from that of other people and is responsible for empathy and compassion.”

Respond to feelings not words

When a wound is fresh and a person is angry and hurt they are also confused. This is why listening to understand is so paramount to producing an empathetic response. You have to listen with your ears, your eyes and most importantly your heart. You have to hear the subtext and what is not being said.

Parents, teachers, caregivers and anyone who works with children understand this concept. Kids–especially when they are very little–don’t have the vocabulary to adequately express themselves. Adults have to assess the situation, interpret body language and facial expressions and in some way relate to what the child has experienced. The adult then responds to what the child is feeling in lieu of what they said.

Listen, Listen LISTEN

The key to comforting someone who is hurting is listening. You could have experienced the EXACT thing they are going through but you and your friend are unique individuals and see things differently. You may think you know how they feel because of how you feel but you can never be sure until they tell you.

You have to learn to fight the urge to jump in and say something. Even when the situation gets awkward and you feel something should be said. Fight the urge. Turn off your inner dialogue. Stop constructing your response. Listen to them.

They will tell you–through their words, tears and actions–exactly what they need. And if you are unsure what to do or say, asking the simple question, “what can I do to help” or what do you need from me,” is better than assuming and doing the wrong thing.

Empathy requires more than merely putting yourself into someone else’s position. It is the ability to imagine yourself as him in the exact situation he or she is in. You cannot empathize with an abstract. The experience must become concrete.

When done correctly, empathy leads to compassion which is suffering with someone in lieu of merely pitying them. True empathy says I share your emotions. Compassion, which is built from empathy, is the truest form of comfort we as humans can provide.

Reference

[1]^Psychology Today: The Neuroscience of Empathy

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