#top 10 aspects who would say its about the mets baby

[little-shiny-sharpies]

Fella took "Square up" too literally, chonkest dragon to ever exist.

[geometricalien]

OKAY I finished Life is Strange True Colors and it's time to give my hot trash opinions that no one asked for :) (spoilers will be below the cut)

I avoided almost everything released about this game because I did not want any spoilers whatsoever and I think that served me well.

I also came in with an open mind, I gotta say I was weary since deck nine had all of the control and I didn’t particularly like before the storm that much it was fine though.

All that said True Colors was beautiful. It has excellent graphics, compelling characters and side plots for each character, the power system was new and cool. I wasn't sure how being an empath would translate but it worked well in mechanics, was epic, and suited the theme of not just the game but Alex.

I played for about 10 hours Thursday with some breaks to stretch and get food. So needless to say, I was having a great time.

It has excellent sets and even though the power mechanics are exactly the same each time it's still fresh and creative in how these emotions can shape the world around them.

This is just a personal nitpick nothing actually important, the town is a fictional Coloradan small town and as someone who grew up in a neighboring state with similar small town/mining/outdoorsy communities- or visiting them- the town buildings were fantastic! I loved main street, I've been in towns with that exact same style. But the flower bridge and the deer were just... a tinge over the top, it felt like you were trying to sell "Paradise" way too hard. But besides that I loved the towns vibe!

I felt... a little burnt out being able to play all of the chapters at once, I think part that made the lis community so strong was that it had time to build and react to the episodes together. It gave us time to theorize and make fancontent. Versus binge gaming and shot like a bullet into the air, done too quick. I don’t feel as connected to the characters because I’ve only been with them for 14 ish hours vs months

NOW THAT BEING SAID- the pacing was good, it gave us the reins being able to free roam the map at nearly all times and it never felt like we were being dragged down

Overall, True Colors is a great addition. Had amazing voice acting graphics, characters, and themes. I definitely recommend checking this game out

Spoilers now abound:

Going back to an earlier comment- almost all scenarios where you used Alex's power in depth were fresh and interesting. My favorites being Ethan, Charlotte, and Eleanor. I bring this up because Duckie's was the most dull- which you could say matches because he is normally the life of the party so... feeling empty or dull makes sense for him. But then Pike’s was also similarly lacking in environment, so it didn’t feel as fulfilling

I loved loved loved episode 3. The larping was so much fun and I was tickled with the turn based fighting. I especially loved when Ethan made the world come to life, my heart lifted in pure joy.

The two main romance interests are... interesting. Ryan's insight and caring nature drew me to him the instant we met while Steph sort of came off... as separated? But as we became friends with them both it became super hard to chose. And at the end seeing their reactions to the bomb drop showed so much characterization. Steph's ride or die and Ryan (in my playthrough) just had someone challenge his entire life view of course that's hard to take in within 30 seconds. I got that religious gay trauma, I get it.

This is where I feel spacing out the episodes could've also helped with our fondness of characters. After Ryan didn't believe me I didn't want to pursue him anymore, my affection was weakened

However I chose to forgive both Ryan and Jed despite feeling like I missed the character development to reasonably make that decision. I understand this entire game is shadow work for Alex and it is growing her emotional intelligence by miles but I think I would have preferred more sign postings from the game saying "hey bc of your choices you are growing" which wasn't really true because-

Alex was suppressing her sadness, fear, and anger from her traumatic youth. So in episode 5, reliving all of those moments were the chance to level up in emotional intelligence. It felt odd to learn exactly everything at the very end but again it's okay because she was suppressing just like Jed which made her able to understand his emotions and walk him through them

TALKING ABOUT THAT TALK WHO GOT GIFS??? I NEED TO SEE HER EYES GLOWING AND FLICKERING WITH COLOR

I loved the parallel/bookendings of chapter 1: Side A and chapter 5: Side B, I'm a sucker for that shit

It's obvious that alot of care and heart was put into this game, it has layers and the more you peel back the more it reveals thematically

Now I got to compare it to my biggest criticism of LiS and Before the Storm, and ultimately the reason why I love LiS2 more than either of them. Does your choices actually matter?

LiS? No. The game ended with an ultimatum that made all of your choices in the end not matter and LiS is sold as a "your choices actually matter" type of game so seeing that be a load of malarkey always puts a bad taste in my mouth

Lis:bts? No. It's a prequel. I can admire the idea of "life may be futile but make the most of it" while you can and that definitely encompasses Rachel's side of bts. But that doesn’t negate the fact that this is more a game with a straight plot than LiS

LiS2? YOU GOT 4 ENDINGS AND YOU CAN ONLY CHOSE 2 AND ITS NARROWED DOWN TO HOW YOU PLAYED THIS GAME- THATS WHAT I CALL A CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE/YOUR ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES

True Colors? I think TC lies somewhere between LiS2 and LiS in this aspect. Its definitely very railed, I think in every one you will get Jed to confess, so it depends on how you go about convincing him, romancing, and deciding your future to... well... decide your future. I can't fault it. It left it up to the player to decide and to not be screwed over by our previous choices (cough cough) and that is the crowd pleasing choice.

So, in the sense that it all feels very railed until the last 15 minutes when they spin us on an ice rink and say "freestyle baby"- it's fine. I'm not mad about it. But it does make me wonder what would've happened if we don't have any of the committee members on our side? Would we leave town effective immediately? Would the truth even have gotten out? Because if that's true... I would bump it up in the "does your choices matter?" 

You make choices and those choices have consequences, sometimes out of your control. That's what LiS2 perfected and what I want to see more in this franchise. 

[backtothestart02]

The Football Star and the New Girl - 1/? | westallen fanfiction

A/N: I suck at titles lately...oh well. Enjoy this first chap! The story itself is based loosely on a dream I had. :)

...

Synopsis:  HS!AU - They were like ships passing in the night. Would they ever meet on the same page?

...

Chapter 1 -

Francine West walked down the hall and peeked into the open doorway of her daughter’s bedroom. She found her sitting on her bed, her things packed in multiple suitcases at her feet, but she herself – Iris West, 14 ¾ years old – did not look very excited to be leaving her home without her family. She was looking at a photo album. Tears were staining her cheeks.

Francine rested her head against the door frame as she watched her, her heart aching to heal the wounds she knew would only grow more with time.

“It’s not too late to change your mind, you know.”

Iris’ head whipped toward the sound, and she hastily shut the photo album and tossed it onto her bed, wiping her cheeks quickly after.

“Mom!”

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t interrupting, was I?”

She walked into the room, and Iris scooted over a little so she could sit next to her on the bed.

“No, not at all. I’m glad you’re here.”

They shared a sweet look, then Iris leaned her head on her mother’s shoulder. Francine held out her hand, and Iris intertwined her fingers in her mother’s grip.

“I still want to go,” she assured her.

“Yeah?”

She nodded against her shoulder.

“I need stability, mom. I can’t be moving around going from school to school every six months. I’m proud of dad, of course, and I love being with you all. I’ll miss you a lot, but…I want friends and the same school and a life.”

“A boyfriend?” Francine nudged her gently.

Iris rolled her eyes and smiled.

“Maybe…eventually. I’m only 14, Mom.”

Francine nudged her again.

“14 ¾.”

Iris laughed.

“Yeah, yeah, okay. A boyfriend would be nice, once I get to know the guy for more than a couple months. But first, friends.”

“Friends are important too.”

Iris nestled into her mother’s embrace and sat in silence for a while.

“What about Wally? Is he going to be going to new schools every-”

“I’ve decided to attempt homeschooling.”

Iris lifted her head.

“You have?”

She nodded.

“He’s only 10, so the curriculum is simpler, and he’s pretty introverted, even around us, so Ruffly can suffice for his friend. At least for now.”

Francine pursed her lips. She did want real, live human friends for her son, as well as for her daughter. But for now their golden retriever seemed to be what got the most laughs out of young Wally West. She would hope that lasted at least through another school year.

“I’d take him with me if I could,” Iris said.

“You’d take both my children from me?” Francine asked, only half joking. “What am I supposed to do all day long without your brother to drive me crazy?”

Iris looked into her mother’s eyes and saw that they were watering.

“Oh, Mom, I didn’t mean-”

“It’s okay, honey.”

She sighed and pressed a kiss to her daughter’s temple.

“I know it hasn’t been easy for you, losing your friends so often because we have to move. It’s the life of a military family, I’m afraid. I signed up for it when I agreed to marry the man, but you, my baby, were just born into it.”

She pulled back to look into her eyes.

“I want you to know though that if at any time the school isn’t working out for you, we’ll come get you in a heartbeat.”

Iris winced. She knew it wasn’t that simple. They were moving overseas to a new post. Iris would be staying here in the U.S. Even if the school was a bit of a move for her too. It wasn’t anything she wasn’t used to.

Still, she obliged her.

“Yeah, okay, mom.”

She smiled, but Francine knew better.

Footsteps sounded down the hallway, and interrupting their little moment came Joe West with little Wally West on his back. Joe was dressed in all camouflage wear, and Wally was giggling from bouncing up and down on his “horsie”. Ruffly was close at Joe’s heels.

“What is this here?” Joe asked, witnessing the tear streaks on his two ladies’ faces.

“Dad!” Iris sprung up.

She ran to him, and he slowly released Wally off his back, who promptly complained when his shoeless feet hit the floor.

Joe hugged his daughter tight, lifting her off her feet briefly and kissing the side of her face.

“Oh, baby girl, are you sure you want to go?”

Iris laughed when she was back on her feet again. She wiped away fresh tears.

“Yeah, I’m sure. I’m just gonna miss you guys, but I need this. For me. Okay?”

He sighed and nodded, then looked across the room at his wife.

“She’s so grown-up.”

“I know.” Francine sniffled.

“Why is everyone crying in here?” Wally asked. “Aren’t we gonna see her for Christmas?”

Everyone laughed.

“Aren’t you gonna miss me at all, you little punk?” Iris asked, ruffling his curly hair.

“Eh, maybe a little.” He shrugged, uncaringly.

Iris rolled her eyes.

“Well, it’s time to get going then, yeah?” She looked at her parents who nodded.

“Yeah,” Joe said. “That seven-hour drive is no joke.”

“Seven hours! That’s a lifetime!” Wally whined.

Ruffly barked.

“Just wait till your plane ride,” Iris egged him on. “That might be even longer.”

Wally groaned. “I hate traveling!”

“Better make sure you have something to keep you occupied with then, Walls,” Joe said, and with that Wally zipped out of Iris’ room to make sure his many bags included plenty of toys to play with on his very long journey.

“I’ll go help him,” Francine said. “We’ll meet you at the door with his things.”

“Sounds good.”

Joe smiled, but it was pained. Once Francine had left, all the toughness had melted away again, as it often did with his baby girl.

“Boy, am I gonna miss you,” he said.

“I’m gonna miss you too, Dad.” Another tear streamed down her cheek, and he was quick to wipe it away. “You look so handsome in your uniform, Dad.”

He chuckled.

“Alright, enough sadness for now. We can do this again in seven hours.”

She laughed. “Okay.”

“You wanna help me get all a million and one suitcases out to the car?”

She took a step back and looked around her room.

“Yeah, sorry about that.”

“You can apologize by helping me.”

“Deal.”

She smiled, and slowly they made their way to the front door and then the driveway with all seven of her suitcases. It took a few trips, but then she knew she would need every bit of her belongings for the long school years that lay ahead.

Her family would visit as often as they could, of course, but it would be difficult with them living overseas. She probably wouldn’t see them again until her dad was forced to move again like they were doing now.

But she’d thought long and hard   this. She longed for friendships that lasted, for a life beyond what was available to a military family. She needed to connect and to be free for a while, even at the sacrifice of not seeing her family every day, especially her mom and baby brother. This new school – Huntington Farm and Boarding School – would be just the ticket.

Out in the middle of nowhere somewhere down south, the school was on a huge stretch of lush land that also served as a farm – no animals, just crops, which was a shame, Iris thought. She’d miss having even just her dog around too.

But the place was renowned for its academics and social scene there in the middle of the wilderness. A boarding school for those who needed it, traveling families mostly; and if the colorful flyer they’d sent in the mail was any indication, Iris would absolutely love it.

“Everybody ready?” Joe asked, when everyone had piled into the car sometime later.

“Ready!” the family cheered.

Joe chuckled and started the car.

“Huntington Farm and Boarding School, here we come. Watch out for your most dazzling student yet.”

He met Iris’ eyes in the rearview mirror, and they sparkled.

“You know it!” Iris said.

Joe grinned and backed out of the driveway.

They were all on their way to bigger adventures now.

…

One year later…

Iris sat on top of the fence on the edge of the football field, waiting for who she hoped she hadn’t misinterpreted wrong. After nearly a year of first claiming he didn’t like her and then months of mixed signals, Iris was convinced he actually did like her, as much as she liked him.

Sitting on the fence post waiting for the guy to come kiss her seemed like an odd tradition, but it was built into the social aspect of the school, and she figured it was the only guaranteed way she’d know if he was really crushing or not.

She’d dressed as cute as she could for a game, and soon she’d know if it would pay off or not.

Biting her bottom lip, she gasped quietly when she saw him coming around the corner heading right towards where she had herself perched.

Barry Allen was the star football player – star of every sport he could get himself into really – and they’d been making genuine eyes at each other for weeks. Now, as he approached her, it felt as if their whole future was hanging in the balance.

He stopped about 20 feet away. Bracing himself maybe for the decision he’d have to make? Presumably have gained the courage, he continued his walk, headed straight for her and stopped directly in front of her.

Iris waited, her heart hammering a mile a minute in her chest. He was tall enough to reach her – so tall, but she bent her head anyway, and sure enough their lips met in a soft, tender kiss.

She opened her eyes as he took a step back, but the smile on his face was undeniable. So was hers.

Just as he was about to say something truly romantic – she’d decided – one of his teammates burst behind them.

“Did you just kiss Iris West?”

Barry spun around, panic on his features.

“I-”

Another teammate appeared.

“Wait, what?”

“Barry just kissed Iris!��

“But I thought he hated her. He swore he did.”

Iris tensed on the top of the fence, waiting for Barry to smooth the whole thing over. It couldn’t be that big of a deal that he’d pretended to hate her all while flirting with her on the downlow for nearly a year…could it? It was annoying to her for sure, but his teammates couldn’t be that annoyed, could they?

Barry never smoothed it over.

His teammates left, looking disgusted, and Barry looked back at Iris for one more moment, not knowing what to do. Then he left, calling after them.

“Wait, guys, it’s not what it looks like!”

And Iris sat alone on top of the fence, the magical memory of her first kiss completely shattered.

How would they come back from this?

[cherryhanji]

tears and smudges

oneshot. bang chan x reader

genre: drama, angst, fluffy tones at the end

words: 4.3k

warning(s): foul language, super slight mentions of domestic abuse, mentions of degradation, themes of prostitution and sex, themes of violence, suggestive themes, mentions of drinking, lots of kissing at the end (lol)

alexa's note:

hello! this is my first time writing a scenario with those themes mentioned above. again, i'm not used with these kinds of themes but I tried my best to write this one. (But really, I can't write some scenes with explicit sex, graphic sexual content, as I've mentioned on my request guidelines)

If you're not comfortable with these kinds of stories, I do suggest to you that I have other works listed on my masterlist and most of them are fluffs (if it's your thing)

Sex work is the one that makes you stand on your own feet for almost five years. In this kind of living situation, you already met different kinds of people, and one of them is the person you really trust the most, the person that never judged you in all aspects. You met Chan at the bar you're currently working at, he is the kind of regular that never asks for sex unlike those grumpy old horny businessmen and horny college dudes in exchange of money.

Chan is a drunkard, tho. You'll never know about him if you didn't insist him to take you, a challenge you accepted from your coworkers who didn't charm their way into the man's heart. his looks are breathtaking, one thing that made your coworkers drool for him. But he didn't budge, saying that it's not his thing. This scenario continued until you gave up and decided to offer to be friends with him which he gladly accepted. That's when you knew he has respect for every woman, including you. That's why he always refuses to have sex either with you or your coworkers. That's when you knew he's the only guy you'll put your trusts into. And he never failed you. Always taking care of you after work. Listens to your rants about different clients you've encountered every work. He's the one who can bring out the inner you, the vulnerability that you always hide whenever you're at work. Showing him all the frustrations and judgments that you always, but despite that, he never, ever judged you. And you're beyond grateful for that.

"Hey, y/n. Is baby boy not coming tonight?" Your coworker asked when she didn't saw any traces of Chan on the bar stool.

"hey! Don't call him that! He has a name!" You said and chuckled.

"I think he's busy at work. It's not like he'll always spend the night here and drink until he becomes wasted as fuck." You said while putting on heavy makeup on your face. It's always been your routine before the clients went into the bar. Putting on those thick eyeliner and brick red lipstick that your regular clients like.

"Ladies! Listen up!" You're manager called all your attentions.

"This night is our biggest break! One of our biggest clients is here and you y/n" she pointed at you and you listened intently.

"You're the one he suggested tonight. Accept it, you'll have your big paycheck tomorrow after." She said and winked at you. You nod slowly as the thought sink in. Having a big paycheck means to you. But it also means that the client you're assigned tonight is quite tough, it's been five years since you started this kind of job but you still feel nervous about it. Shaking it off from your head, you prepare yourself as the bar finally opened its working hours now.

before you head out from the staff room, you checked first your phone if there are any messages on it, you smiled as you saw Chan's name on the notifications.

you chuckled as you read his message.

from: Chan

are there lots of people tonight? sorry I didn't go early. Work, you know.

to: Chan

yep. A lot, as usual, I got assigned to this biggest client of our bar. Good luck to me! Anyways, it's okay if u didn't come early tho, just focus on your work so you can have lots of money to spend on our booze.

your heart skips a beat as you read the familiar pet name he always calls you with, his princess. you shrugged and put back your phone inside your bag before starting to work.

from: Chan

I will princess, and I'll stop by later, I'll walk you home okay? Keep yourself from any harm. see you :>

_____

as usual, the bar is now stuffed with people who don't do anything but to have some fun, drink with friends, people who are brushing off their stress and frustrations away with the help of alcohol. You were used to these kinds of scenarios. And you once experienced them. Being an orphan made you lonely, in and out of foster homes to find your own kind of "home", you were once adopted by a couple who can't have their own child. You decided to leave the couple when your foster father always hit you whenever you do something that isn't to his likings. Growing up without someone guiding you made you face all the struggles that a person will always encounter without any knowledge on how to properly deal with it. That's why alcohol is your only escape. Brushing it off with alcohol that you always throw on your system. Temporarily forgetting all the problems that you will still face when you're sober.

You met someone who you thought will never leave you and betray you. But it turns out he just used you for his own sexual needs. Leaving you wasted and a crying mess for believing his shit. That's when you started having trust issues. Struggling to trust someone for not wanting to be abandoned again. But ever since Chan came to your life, you never once contemplated bringing back your trust to a person again. And you're glad that you did the right thing.

"Hey! Y/N!" Your coworker called you as soon as you went out of the staff room

"Oh, what is it?" You asked as you wander your eyes on the bar.

"Your client is now waiting for you." Your coworker said and pointed out the man who you assumed is in his late 20's. he looks so young for a millionaire, you thought.

"He's hot, isn't he? Go now! If I were you, I would love to have him as my client, lucky you, he picked you." She said and winked before she pushed you towards the client. You glared at her before fixing yourself and went to your client.

The man can't hide his desires as soon as you approached him on his seat.

"You're y/n if I'm not mistaken," the man said and you nodded confirming him.

"I've never made a mistake in choosing you. Come, join me here beautiful lady," he said and tapped the side of the couch signaling you to sit beside him which you accepted.

"Being your new client, I guess you know already who am I." He said. you gasped slightly, completely forgetting to ask your manager the name of your client. Stupid you.

The man chuckled at your sudden silence. "Oh I guess Ms. Jang didn't tell you, I'm Lee Minho, you can just call me Minho." He said and offered his hands to you asking for a handshake. You accepted it and smiled shyly at him.

"I, I'm sorry M-minho, I forgot to ask Ms. Jang about you." You said and smiled sheepishly.

"It's okay, dear. As long as you came here, I'm beyond okay with it. Want some drinks?" He offered you the glass containing expensive booze from your bar and gladly took it. Looks like with his oozing expensive looks and wealth, you think he can also buy the entire bar you're working at.

After a couple of drinks and talks with Minho, you can now sense that he is nearly intoxicated with the alcohol he's been drinking. You decided not to drink too much so you can still be aware of what was happening to your surroundings. While your eyes wander at the people who were having fun, a hand slowly nestled on your thighs, which made your breath hitched at the cold feeling. Looking at the owner of the hand, you saw Minho cocked his head at the side while smiling at you, a hint of desire in his eyes.

"Uh, Minho... Is there anything you need?" You're already used to these kinds of scenes so you just brush it off by asking him. You surely saw that his eyes darken for a second. His jaw clenched, hands now near at your inner thighs before he pulled it off and fixed his tie.

"Is there any room we can occupy?" He asked you. You stand up from your seat and ask him to wait for you while you asked your manager about it.

You went straight to the staff room and quickly check your phone first. You saw a message from Chan and you opened it.

you decided not to reply to him and went straight to your manager to ask what room did Minho purchase.

from: Chan

10 minutes more and I'll be there. I'll wait for you later, princess.

You went back to Minho who is calmly drinking while waiting for you. He immediately stands up as soon as you went near him. Grabbing your hand, he lets you guide him to where the room is.

As soon as you closed the door, Minho's hands wander to the different parts of your body, satisfying himself by touching your smooth skin.

"You're so fucking sexy, you know that?" Minho said as you just nodded at him.

"You don't know how much I want to wreck you now," Minho grunted, hands still exploring your lower part.

Minutes later, the touches were slowly getting rougher, one that made you winced because of the aggressive touches Minho giving you.

Hearing your whimpers that he thought came from the pleasure he gives you, he aggressively grabbed your chin with his big hands forcing you to look at him.

"I knew it. You love it when someone's being hard on you, huh? You like it, slut?" He said making your eyes widen and shook your head.

"No? Isn't this enough for you? You want it a harsh way? Okay. I'd love to do it then." He said and pulled you towards the bed, hands still on your chin. He pushed you harshly on the bed. Removing his top, he climbed on the bed giving himself space between your legs and harshly dive into your neck. You cried because of the harsh bites he gave you, with zero pleasure, pure pain. You try to wriggle out from his hard grip but it's no help.

Annoyed by your actions, he stopped what his assaults to you and slapped your face hard. Making you cry out because of the pain.

"What do you think you're doing, slut? Do you think you can deny me? I already bought you, remember? I paid a high amount to have you as my property now. You can't do anything but to obey me, because you're just a little slut, hungry for money." He said and put his hands on your throat with such force making tears slowly flow out from your eyes because of the lack of air. Did your manager just sell you out to this man?

He removed his hands from your throat making you choke, gasping for some air to breathe in, while he continues doing all his assaults to you. This is one of the things you really hate in this job, giving them the pleasure they want is okay not until they lay off their abusive hands to you. And because of this kind of abuse you mostly encounter because of your job, you learned how to properly defend yourself from it. Adrenaline rushed into you as you kick his crotch very hard making him fall to the side of the bed.

"Fuck you slut! What do you think you're doing?!" Minho blurted out while wincing from the pain on his crotch. You quickly get up from the bed and ran out of the room. Rushing to the staff room looking for your manager. You've had enough.

"Y/N?! W-what are you— where is Mr. Lee?" Your manager asked you as soon as you enter the staff room. Shaking with anger, you question your manager, "How could you—" you stopped trying not to cry out of anger. besides Chan, Ms. Jang is the second person you gave your trust into, taking care of you like a real mother. You just can't believe that she will sell you out in exchange for a big fucking amount of money.

Trying to ask you again, you interrupted her, "Did you just let that man bought me for a big amount of money? how could you do that to me, I thought you care for me?" You said, not wanting to cry in front of her. You stopped her when she tried to go near you.

"No, please don't go near me." You said

"I'm, I'm sorry, Y/N. I didn't plan to do that. It's just that he threatened me, he said that he will report our bar to the police if I didn't give him what he wants, he wants you, Y/N. I, I can't risk our business. That's--"

"So you decided to sacrifice me?" You nodded and continued. "I understand... Who am I to refuse, I'm just a wasted orphan you adopted, a new girl you added to your collection. You know what, Ms. Jang, thank you for taking care of me for the last five years, I felt the love that I thought was real. Thanks for letting me experience how to have a real mother. It's been a nice journey. But I've had enough, it's like I've ever wanted this kind of life anyway. Thank you, and please tell the others, I'm thankful for them, too. I need to go. I can't stand this place anymore." You said and grabbed all your things. Ms. Jang tried to stop you but you didn't budge, you want to get out of this life for so long, maybe now is the time. As soon as you stormed out of the room, you saw Chan peacefully sitting on the barstool, assuming that he's waiting for you. He smiled as soon as he saw you but quickly withdrew it as he saw your expression. He immediately went to you and held your arms gently, softly caressing it.

"Hey, what happened?" He asked, eyes glassed with worry. You faintly smiled at him and grabbed his hands in your arms and squeezed it.

"Let's get out of here?" You asked and he just nodded, still clueless with what was happening.

"Where do you want to go?" Chan asked you as soon as you went out of the bar. Because of the situation, you can't go straight to your home as it was also Ms. Jang's home.

"Can I stay at your place for a while?" You faced him. Examining your face first, he sensed that something's definitely wrong. So he just nodded and hailed for a cab.

_____

"Wait for me here, I'll just get some water." You just nodded and hummed in response. You just fiddled with your fingers as you recall the happenings a while ago. Your trust had shattered again, making you feel devastated. Ms. Jang sacrificed you? Maybe Minho was right, you're just a worthless slut. You were never loved by anyone because you're just one of those existing trash here on earth. No one dared to love you, words are just words. People who say that they love you were never real. They meant nothing. People loathed sluts like you. You are a failure, a total failure. Thinking those thoughts, you didn't notice the tears that are now falling from your eyes, eyeliner mixing with your tears making it smudged on your face.

"Y/N! Shit! Why are you crying?" Chan immediately placed the glasses of water to the coffee table and sit beside you. Feeling his presence beside you, you quickly grabbed the hem of his shirt asking him for a hug which he immediately gave you. Chan shushed you, swaying your bodies side to side as he let you cry your heart out. You felt him kissed the top of your head and caressed it after, making you calm.

"What happened back there at the bar?" Chan asked when you finally calmed down. Grabbing the tissue box and wiped your face gently, also removing the smudges of eyeliner on your eyes.

"Ms. Jang just sold me to our biggest client. I... I trusted her, Chan. I thought that she'll take care of me. I just can't believe she betrayed me for a big amount of money." You told him what happened at the bar. Chan stayed silent before attempted to speak.

"What are you going to do now?" Chan asked you. Tucking in stray hair at the back of your ear.

"I'll stop working there. I want to change, Chan. I can't be stuck there forever. I need to improve myself." You said, tears slowly falling to your cheeks again. Thinking how will you start to change your life for the better. You're afraid, you're afraid of the changes. But you wanted this. And you know Chan will always be there for you. Chan smiled at you dearly. Hearing it from you makes his heart clenched. He never judged you because of your way of living. But he's glad that you wanted to change your life for the better. And he's willing to help you and guide you.

"Sssh... Don't cry, princess. I'll stay with you. You know that, right? You know you can rely on me." He said and you nodded at him.

"Thank you, Chan. For not judging me, for always taking care of me, for everything that you did for me. Thank you for coming into my life. You're my angel, Chan." You said and smiled at him. Hearing those words from you, his happiness jolted up. He's also beyond thankful to you coming into his life. And he'll never stop taking care of you, never stop protecting you, and will never stop giving you the love that you deserved.

Chan held your cheeks, which you leaned in. He slowly lowered his head, and kissed you. Your eyes opened out of shock, but quickly melted in as soon you felt his soft lips on yours. Realizing what he was doing, he quickly breaks the kiss. You opened your eyes, looking at his face mirroring regret. Also realizing what happened, you stayed silent. You always have a soft spot for Chan. But after he kissed you, it's like there's a place inside your heart you didn't know you that had only for him.

"I-I'm sorry, Y/N. I didn't mean to kiss you. Fuck." Chan said and cursed himself making you chuckle. He looked at you confused as to why you're laughing.

"It's okay. You like me, do you?" You teased him making his eyes widen at you, like a deer caught in the headlights.

"H-how did you know?" He asked, confirming that he does likes you.

You shrugged and shift from your seat. "Dunno, I just guessed." You said. He just facepalmed. Completely cursing himself for being stupid.

"Yes, Honestly speaking, I've been in love with you ever since we met." He continued.

"You caught my eye, and that made worse when we grew close with each other. I just learned each day that you're so special to me. I, I love you, Y/N." Chan said making you shut in silence. Slowly sinking in all the words that he confessed. You're never used to these kinds of things. You don't know the feeling of being truly loved by someone, and hearing this from Chan, made you realize that you've been truly loved for a long time, you've been truly loved by Chan. The moment is too much for you making you cry again. Chan saw you making him baffled and held your face slowly.

"Hey, don't cry. It hurts me." Chan said, wiping your tears away.

"It's just that, I've never been so loved before. I've been a failure, Chan. No one ever loved me the way you do Hearing this all from you, it's too much, making me cry." You said trying to stop from crying.

"Don't say that. you're not a failure, y/n. You're the best thing that happened to me."

"But I don't know how to love again. I mean, I don't know how to start loving again." You said.

"You don't have to, princess, Just let the time. Just let me love you, okay?" Chan said and kissed you once again. The feelings, the atmosphere is too much for you to handle, making you burst out again into tears as you felt the love Chan is giving you. You don't know what did you do to deserve this. But you just let the moment pass by and relish all the love this man was giving you.

You were the one to break the kiss because of a lack of air. Chan leaned his forehead on yours and chuckled. You felt his thumb on the corner of your lips. You looked at his thumb that obtained red stains from your lipstick.

You also looked at his lips, chuckling as you saw the visible lipstick stains, courtesy of you.

"Your lipstick made a mess, princess." He said and chuckled.

"You look sexy, Chan." You blurted out, grabbing a tissue to wipe the smudge of lipstick on his lips.

"Don't say that, princess. I know I am." Chan said, combing your hair gently. You finally wiped the smudges on his lips and yours.

"Promise me you'll never cry again, princess, I just saw how much of a crybaby you are." He said and you just smacked his chest lightly.

"It's because you made me cry." You said and pouted.

"But not because I hurt you. And don't do that, please. It makes me want to kiss you again." Chan said and pointed out your pouty lips.

"Then do it." You teased him making him grunt.

"We all have the time in the world princess, so take a shower first so we can have our dinner and we can do all the kissings later." He said and chuckled making you blush at his playful banter. He just pinched your cheeks and stand up.

"Take a shower, I'll prepare your clothes for now." He said.

"Shower with me?" You asked making him gasped with your suggestion

"W-what? Hell no!" Chan completely refused to make you chuckle

"Why? We're already dating." You teased making him rolled his eyes dramatically.

"That doesn't mean I will accept your offer." He said and slowly pushed you towards the bathroom.

"Okay, okay. Fine." You laughed and stuck your tongue out before closing the door of the bathroom. You just love how to make him blush on the spot, looking so cute.

____

You and Chan's bodies were comfortably slumped on the sofa while watching some movies after you ate dinner. You snuggled on his broad chest, while his arms encircled around you making you warm and comfortable.

"Y/N..." Chan called you softly. You hummed and lift your gaze to him.

"Now that you left the bar, when will you gather your things from Ms. Jang's house? You know I can help you with it." He said and combed your hair.

"I'll gather my courage to face them first. I need to clear my mind. I don't think I can face them for now. And I need to think of a place to live now I already left the bar." You said

"Live here with me?" Chan suggested making you look back at him.

"I might be a burden-"

"No. You'll never be, princess. At least you'll only have to think about looking for a job. Living here with me can lessen your problems. Besides, I love you being here." Chan said and smiled at you. Chan never failed to make you smile even at the smallest things he did and said to you

"Fine. But let me contribute to it. Let me have a share in paying other bills. I am also now living here. And I am consuming the things that you consume." You said.

"You sound like my future wife." He chuckled and pinched your nose.

"Do you want me to be?" You asked and he nodded.

"I'd love to. Mrs. Bang." He said making you both laughed at the thought.

"You're tired, Chan. You need to rest." You said pushing his face against you.

"But I'm serious!" He whined and you just nodded.

"Yes, I know. But that's not our priority for now. I know that you love me, I'll just be here with you." You said and give him a peck on his lips. You were about to move back when he grabbed your face and made you stay still, catching your lips with his. You smiled against his lips and soon gave in with the kiss.

"You're too much of a kisser huh? Maybe you waited for this time to come, did you?" You asked, gasping again for air after the breathtaking kiss

"Maybe yes, maybe no. You guess." He said and hugged you.

"I love you, princess. I love you." Chan said. Wanting to say those words to him, you contemplate as you still not yet completely have the confidence and assurance of those words. You still need to find the real meaning before you finally tell him. Sensing your uneasiness, Chan sighed and cupped your cheeks.

"You don't have to say it now, princess. Just what I've told you a while ago, just let the time, don't worry about me. Just let me love you. I won't force you tell to me." Chan said and smiled. Maybe what he said isn't that hard to do. Because you can see how much he loves you, you'll soon learn how to love him back. You know how much he also deserves the love that he always gives you. You just need to let the time do its thing.

[dorevenge]

where ignorance is bliss - chapter 10: snow will follow

SUMMARY: Maria is expecting, and the pregnancy is rough on her and Howard. [AO3 LINK]

CHAPTERS: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 [10] 11 12 13 14 15 ☆

May 22, 1970 – Manhattan, New York, Stark Manor

“Howard!” I scream, halfway down the staircase to the first floor, hands clenching to the railing. “It’s happening!” I’m nine months pregnant, and it feels like a pit has opened up behind my stomach, squeezing the life out of me at the same time, my knuckles going white from the pressure.

Howard runs over to me, one of the quickest 53-year-olds I’ve met, pushing up his sleeve to count the seconds on his wrist, whispering the time to himself. He guides me down the stairs, arm around my waist and shoulder supporting my armpit.

“Have Edwin bring the car around,” I saw. Tears stream from my eyes, my knees wobble from the pain, and Howard says the same thing he always does.

“They’re just Braxton Hicks, doll. The contractions aren’t close enough together.” He sets me down on the couch and wipes my face dry.

“They feel real,” I snap at him without meaning to.

“I know, I’m sorry. Let’s get you something to drink, settle your stomach.”

Edwin runs off to the kitchen, “I’ll put the kettle on.”

“You have to stay hydrated, and lay on your left side,” Howard continues. He brushes my hair out of the way and guides me to a horizontal position.

“I don’t want to lay on my left side, I want my body back,” I whine, adjusting the pillows underneath me to support the bowling ball sticking out of me. The pain behind my abdomen rages on like a wildfire. “Can you put the movie on?”

“Are we feeling West Side Story or Singing in the Rain today?” Howard prides himself on our home video library, collecting almost every film we would go out to see at the cinema. Our home theatre was impressive, given he had tried to make his own film production company at one point. It was his only unsuccessful venture, so we don’t talk about that aspect of it very often, but he keeps up with the technology and is obsessed with recreating the feeling of going to see a talkie at home.

“West Side Story.”

He puts the tape in, and the familiar opening plays out. Watching it reminds me of the first Academy Awards Show I accompanied Howard to, where we watched West Side Story sweep the competition, when Rita Moreno won in that stunning dress. It was only eight years ago, but it feels like a lifetime now, like many lifetimes have passed during Howard’s and my relationship. And now I’m cramping and swollen and bloated, as far as I can be from walking down a red carpet.

I’m asleep before “Something’s Coming” plays.

“Can you chew any louder?”

“Maria, we’re having soup. There’s no chewing involved.”

“It’s making me sick,” I say.

“I’ll go in the pantry,” Howard offers without complaint, used to this by now, kissing the top of my head and taking his bowl of soup with him into the pantry, shutting the door behind him.

Edwin and Ana look up cautiously from their bowls. “Shall we leave you as well, Mrs. Stark?” Ana asks.

“Why would you? You’re completely fine.”

I wake from a dead sleep at two in the morning, after a long day of getting mad at Howard for things that he couldn’t help, and I know I’m going into labor. This time, it isn’t Braxton Hicks, I know it. I rustle Howard’s shoulder. Then I shake it harder. “Howard, wake up,” I whisper harshly. He slowly blinks his eyes open. “We need to go to the hospital.”

“Let me get my watch,” he reaches over to flick on his bedside lamp.

“It’s for real this time.” I know it. I don’t want him to question it, I can feel it in my gut; today is the day we meet our child for the first time.

“If we go in again for more practice contractions, I don’t think the hospital will let ever let us come back.”

I pause before replying.

“My water broke.”

I’ve never seen Howard get out of bed and get dressed so quickly before. He throws my already packed bag at Edwin to have him bring the car around, asks Ana to change the bedsheets, and helps me dress myself, ushering me out the door. For the first time in the last nine months, I’m the calmest person in the Stark household, focusing on my breathing and answering the nurses’ questions as Howard stammers, trying to take care of everything at once. They confirm I am indeed in labor, run their preliminary tests, and show us to the suite we had reserved.

I didn’t realize the suite would be so luxurious; it was nicer than some hotels I’ve stayed at. A jacuzzi and a pool table are tucked away in the corner, along with a full-sized refrigerator and a private bathroom. We’re given a run-down of the amenities, including an on-call masseuse and chef, but as we settle in, I just want Edwin’s cooking and fanciful retellings of his days spent running around Los Angeles with the SSR. The way he tells it, he makes Peggy sound more heroic than Captain America.

“Don’t get mad at me, but you’re as beautiful now as you were the day I met you back in Monaco.” Howard dabs my forehead with a cool cloth.

“I have half a child sticking out of me!” I yell from gritted teeth between contractions. “And you’re flirting with me right now?” Rivets of sweat trickle down my brow between my breasts, chest heaving with effort. The pain from the contractions pulses through me. We’re almost 14 hours into the labor now, and I’ve never been more tired in my life. I want to sleep, but every fiber of every muscle in my body is engaged and trying to get through this.

“Jesus, doll, I said don’t get mad at me.” I take his hand and squeeze it hard enough he winces, like I’m siphoning the pain out of me and into him. He whispers words of encouragement into my ear, watering me and obeying every order from the doctor, not straying from my side - until we hear the peal of cries and the magical words –

“It’s a boy.”

Anthony Howard Stark was born May 29, 1970, a healthy 6 pounds and 10 ounces, with ten fingers, ten toes, and two powerful lungs that never stopped crying. And I do mean never. Baby Tony had no respect for what time of day it was, who was visiting, or how tired his parents were. Although we hadn’t discussed names at all before that day, it came together perfectly; a beautiful name for our beautiful boy.

Howard returned to work within the week Tony was born, taking Edwin with him every day to try to make up for the lost time at S.H.I.E.LD. base at Camp Lehigh. At dinner after his first day back, Howard had nothing about complaints about the way things had been run in his absence. “One of the security guards said the Tesseract went missing for five minutes and showed right back up in its containment unit. I think we have a breach, but everyone swears they didn’t see anything out of the ordinary,” he says over a plate of chicken and asparagus.

“When was this?”

“Back in April. We need to up our security.”

When I announce I am ready to retire and go to bed, everyone at the table stands to help. While I appreciate the attention and assistance, I’m looking forward to being able to get up on my own. The delivery has had an immense toll on my body, wiping me out completely with the emergency Cesarian. I can’t stand on my own for more than thirty seconds at a time, and Ana has been instrumental in my recovery. She takes care of Tony when I can’t, and when Howard is kept late at the office. She changes every diaper, cleans every dish, and I cannot thank her enough times. I think she took to the role quite well, and I don’t look forward to the day it’s taken from her again.

“Master Tony, you are quite the tornado,” I hear Edwin say down the hall as I fold laundry in the living room. Tony has just turned two, and his favorite word currently is “no.” Edwin does his best to toe the line between butler and substitute father-figure, but Tony needs a firm hand – the opposite of what he gets from Howard when he’s either stuck in the lab or nursing a gin and tonic.

“Tony Tornado! Tony Tornado!” Tony sprints down the hall, giggling, spilling his cup of Cheerios and leaving a trail behind him.

“Master Tony!” Edwin takes off after him. He is almost 60 by now, and, somehow, he still keeps up with the toddler. The two of them were practically inseparable. We lost Ana last year to a long battle with cancer, and it’s almost like Tony made it his personal mission to keep Edwin entertained and distracted enough to forget about the tragedy. I often find them playing make-believe with flying robots or watching cartoons on Saturday mornings, cross-legged on the carpet in the den.

I spend my first two years of motherhood caressing egos, trying to be the entertainer and people-pleaser, but I find myself just wanting all four of us to be together at home, instead of stuck late in offices or meetings or dinner parties that no one wants to attend in the first place. I miss my husband because even when he’s at home, he’s really back at the Stark Industries headquarters, still thinking about that damn arc reactor.

[pcttrailsidereader]

14 Lessons from theTrail

As the 2021 hiking season is well underway, the time is right to share wisdom from seasoned veterans of the trail.  Brett Fisher (Backtrack) – http://www.wanderabout.org/ – suggested that the five lessons from the PCT as articulated by Anna (North Star) and Chris (Shutterbug) – http://wanderingthewild.com/ – along with the five more added by Bobcat –  http://roamingbobcat.wordpress.com/ – and finished off with his own four, would be worthy of publishing.  I agreed.  Reflection is such an important part of the PCT experience.  

These 14 lessons are a powerful reminder to each of us long distance hikers.  I love the positive spirit reflected in their words. You may have your own to add and you may take issue with some (I’m still chewing on #8) … please let us know.

Brett ‘Backtrack’ Fisher

North Star and Shutterbug noted that their thru hike of the Pacific Crest Trail taught them many things. Here are five of the most important lessons they learned on the trail.

1) Senses awaken in nature. After years of living in a city, our minds subconsciously created filters to deal with the contant  jumble of sensory information. It was thrilling to remove those mental filters and reawaken our senses in the great outdoors. The crack of a distant twig alerted us to an elk, almost hidden in the forest. We could smell day hikers’ deodorant and laundry detergent from several feet away. Our eyes tracked the subtle movements of a soaring hawk adjusting to shifting air currents. The longer we lived in the wild, the sharper our senses became.

2) People are good. On the trail, day hikers and trail angels gave us encouragement, kudos, and tasty food. Other thru hikers shared our joy during good times, and cheered us up during harder moments. Crews of volunteers labored to maintain the trail. The people we met in the small towns along the PCT were incredibly friendly and accommodating. Strangers went out of their way to give us rides, find us rooms, and some even offered us their homes for a night. The kindness and generosity we received went beyond anything we could have expected. We saw the fundamental goodness of people during our thru hike.

3) Hike your own hike. Hikers often tell each other to “Hike your own hike” (HYOH), recognizing a wide variety of backpacking preferences. We knew this phrase before starting the Pacific Crest Trail, but its meaning really sank in with a few hundred miles under our feet. HYOH worked for us in many small ways, such as our hiking pace — we walked slower than most thru hikers so we could take more pictures. But we also realized HYOH applied to larger life choices, such as our decision to continue hiking long trails, rather than immediately returning to desk jobs. To Hike Your Own Hike is to allow yourself to do what works best for you and your passions, and to support others in doing what works for them. The result is greater happiness for everyone.

4) Fewer possessions is freeing.  We found that the less we had, the happier we were. Each possession was not only physical weight to carry, but also mental weight. Carrying just one set of clothes meant no decisions about what to wear in the morning. Instead of carrying chairs, which could break or get left behind, we sat on the ground or on logs. Taking only the food we needed made meal choices simple. We didn’t bring bowls and plates, all of which we’d have to clean. Rather we ate right from our pot. With less items to think and fret about, our minds could relax and be open to all the beauty around us. The simple lifestyle is truly freeing.

5) Wilderness is home. As the weeks passed, we became more and more comfortable living in the desert, the mountains, and the forest. A primal part of us came to the forefront. Fresh air, clean water, and open space surrounded us and sustained us. As our relationship with the wilderness deepened, we felt more at home there than we did in civilization. We had not expected this, but it turned out to be one of the most powerful aspects of the hike.

                                                                     Photo Credit: Rees Hughes

These are the five added by Bobcat.

6) Joy is our natural state. On the trail life is reduced to its most basic necessities: water, food, sleep, shelter, safety from the elements and natural beauty. Because our minds are freed from having to handle what Northstar and Shutterbug call the constant jumble of sensory information, we are open to tackle deeper and deeper levels of thought. Because the trail is so long, at some point we run out of things to ponder, analyze, consider or solve. When that happens, the void that is left seems to immediately be filled with a sense of joy and peace. So, at our most basic level, underneath it all, this must be our natural state.

7) Life is a mirror (you get what you give). I have experienced this more than once on the trail: If I approach the road in a joyful and optimist state, I wait for a hitch less than five minutes; if I approach it with a bad attitude, it will be a long while before I get picked up. The kindness and generosity we received as hikers I believe is in direct correlation to our own state of open-mindedness. The opposite is true also. Fear attracts scary situation. People who feared bears had bear encounters. I started the trail worried about poisonous plants and managed to get poison oak on one leg and poodle-dog-bush on the other. When I became grateful for the cortisone cream two generous hikers gave me, the oozy mess cleared up over night.

8) All you need is love and gratitude. Somewhere in the first few hundred miles of the trail, I became so frustrated with my UV water purifier and so jacked up on iodine that I stopped using any sort of water treatment. Instead, I held the water to my heart and told it, sincerely, “I love you, please don’t make me sick, thank you”. The method proved excellent the whole trail, including with that one batch of “bear pooh water” (see “I believe in angels”). Inspired by my success, I also used this method as sunscreen (I love you Sun, please don’t burn me, thank you), bug-repellent (I love you spider, please stay off my tarp, thank you) and holographic deck (I love you trail, could I get a shady spot, mosquito free, by some water, thank you). Seriously, it works. Try it for yourself.

9) Freedom is an intrinsic quality. Before I left, a good friend told me that the PCT would likely be the one place where I could find enough space to accommodate my humongous need for freedom. All former thru-hikers I have met mention “freedom” as the greatest gift they received from the trail. All that fresh air, clean water and open space seeps into your soul and sticks. I think freedom is always in us, but sometimes our vision of it is clouded. Once we touch that quality within us, it remains wherever the end of the trail finds us. Some of us continue to wander, travel, explore or hike; others return to former lives and jobs from an expanded perspective. In all cases, you can take the hiker off the trail, but not the trail out of the hiker.

10) Laugh it off. Never mind great truths and life-changing discoveries; we know nothing. Any labeled identity we create for ourselves will be destroyed as soon as it’s uttered. I once wrote that my feet hurt, the next day my feet stopped hurting. I once wrote that I preferred solitude, the next day I found myself  hiking with a small group of fun people and loving it. I once was very upset at the thought of no-longer being a “thru-hiker”. I think we all feel that way. That is in part why we seek the company of other thru-hikers post-trail. Am I still a hiker if I’m not hiking? Who cares! Each experience is worth its weight in gold. I think it’s important to not take ourselves too seriously and as Dacia so eloquently put, to get out of our own way, learn to surf the wave, revel in the power of it, and let it all come together.

                                                                         Photo credit: Jim Peacock

And the final four from Backtrack.

11) It’s not a race. Lightweight, a hiker who hadn’t yet escaped the vortex at Casa de Luna, started a list in the Anderson’s trail register, “How To Win the PCT.” First on the list: Be the last to Canada. If you’re hiking northbound that is. Hiking a long trail is not a competition. There aren’t winners and losers. All of us get there only one step at a time.

12) It’s not about the miles, but what happens between the miles. I heard this from my daughter, Dances With Lizards, the only member of Team No Hurries to get to Canada this year. Maybe this is a variation of “the journey is the destination.” We live between the miles. Not in how many miles we’ve walked today, all week, or the whole hiking season.

13) It is what it is. It’s 105 degrees Fahrenheit. It’s 18 miles to water. There’s a thunderstorm right on top of us. The snake ate the rabbit babies. I am very hungry. It isn’t good and it isn’t bad. It is what it is and has no need for meaning. I take a break in the shade in the heat of the day. I carry 4 liters of water. I hunker down from the rain and lightning and watch the display. A snake’s got to eat, too. I eat some food. It is what it is, now and in this moment.

14) There’s pain but that doesn’t mean there is suffering. A day hiker descending Mount Whitney says to me, “Are we having fun yet?” I am huffing and puffing and legs burning on the way up and pant out, “I think we do this for other reasons than fun.” Walking on blisters hurts. Legs and knees and ankles and feet sometimes ache, and sometimes all ache at the same time. Sometimes I am very hungry. Sometimes I smell very bad and so do all my companions. My socks have holes in them. Yet, I laugh at the pain and discomfort. We laugh together. There is joy out here on this trail. Between every step and every mile.

15) add yours here …

[holydragon2808]

The Last of Us Part II: Abby and Plot Review (Sometimes, The Straightforward Approach Really is the Best Way to Execute a Story) MASSIVE SPOILERS FOR BOTH GAMES!

Yo, fellow gamers and geeks alike! How goes it? Don’t mind me. Just the dragon coming out of her den to rant/review within the realm of geek culture yet again. Since the beginning of The Last of Us Part II’s release, there have been some pretty strong opinions on the plot of the game (to put it lightly….).

I’m still in the middle of completing the game myself, but I’ve pretty much been spoiled the entire story anyway, enough to express my opinion about certain aspects of the game, particularly my feelings on the odd narrative framing choice for what (IMO) should have been a fairly straight forward executed plot line. I was going to wait until I’ve completed the game for myself, but time just doesn’t allow for a lot of gameplay for me at the moment, so I’m writing this review fairly prematurely (though I have watched everything on youtube). I’ll probably post a part II of this review after I finish the story for myself if anything changes.

Anyway, based on what I’ve personally seen and heard (both from personal gameplay and online), my main opinion (so far) is that the ideas, the themes, and the concept behind TLoU II’s story itself are overall decent to me.

However, the way Neil Druckmann and the rest of Naughty Dog chose to frame the narrative is decidedly not.

And a large part of it IMO is how they chose to implement this new character named Abby in the story. Not to mention the over reliance on shock value, and trying too hard to illicit certain emotions and reactions from the player, rather than just trusting the content to steer the narrative and giving the player space to have their own personal experience with the story, something the first game understood and did very well.

Needless to say, there will be MASSIVE SPOILERS for both TLoU I and TLoU II plots from this point onwards. Last chance to back out the den now!

To try and make my point, the original game did a wonderful job of establishing its dark premise, its major characters and getting the player emotionally invested in wanting to know more about both from the outset with a good prologue set up, taking place 20 years before the main time period of the story proper.

During the prologue of the first TLoU, we (as the player) are introduced to (main character) Joel and his cute, young, (but sadly ill-fated) daughter Sarah shortly before the outbreak of the Cordyceps plague. The player gets the opportunity to see Joel at probably his “(moral) best” in the game prior to everything going to hell (and even then the game still establishes the darker parts of his overprotectiveness rather well).

We see him depicted as a very loving and protective father, hardworking, and just generally and average everyday guy (neither “good” or “bad” just “normal”) trying to make a living in the world as he’s talking to his brother (Tommy) on the phone trying to secure a business deal. And then the world begins falling apart at the seams with the trio forced to flee from their now infected neighborhood, doing whatever it takes to get out alive (even if it means now they have to kill other people, something neither probably would have fathom doing prior to the outbreak), setting up a very miserable, but soon to be familiar pattern for them and any other people determined to survive in this devastated world.

Unfortunately, just as they make their way out of the area, Sarah is fatally shot by a soldier tasked with killing any stragglers in an attempt to contain the chaos. And all Joel can do is watch the light leave his “baby girl’s” eyes….

During this short, but very meaningful first hour or so of the game, we have Joel’s dynamic with his biological daughter established (a very fun-loving and healthy and overall heartwarming bond between them), the overall sibling yin-yang world perspectives between Tommy and Joel (how the former is more idealistic and more willing to help others even amidst a crisis, while the latter is cynical, lives more in the moment, and primarily focused on the survival of himself and his closest family) and how those respective character traits subtly foreshadow several major events to come between Tommy and Joel, how and why they eventually drifted apart from one another over the years, as well as the latter’s final choice regarding Ellie and the Fireflies in the finale.

Also by this point, we as the player are invested in these characters from the jump, and have a good idea of what’s going on in the larger scheme of the story (and the direction it’s going….pretty bleak but engaging), and what’s to come so that by the time we’re at the end of the prologue and Joel is getting emotionally shattered by the death of his only daughter, we as the player are right there with him. It was clear that Naughty Dog wanted to make the player sad and emotionally invested in the moment.

The difference in the first game from the second is that the creators seemed more willing to trust their own content to carry and convey the emotional weight of the story and the scene. Shock value is still very much there in the prologue (Sarah’s death was somehow expected and out of nowhere at the same time and it worked because it was just heartbreaking to see such an innocent and nice girl gunned down in her youth), but it’s not the sole driving factor behind the scene itself. Then we jump 20 years into the present day, the world is a very different place and Joel is a very different person.

He’s not the most likable, moral, or friendliest old dude around, but his brutality, his cruelty, his bitter resentment towards humanity over the course of the game is very understandable and the player has been given the time to understand the deeper nuances of his character and establish a bond with him and understand his later feelings and actions regarding Ellie and the Fireflies at the end of the game. His actions certainly weren’t “right” but they were definitely human and understandable.

Well, certainly a lot more understandable/human than it would have been had the game opened with Joel dooming all of humanity from a cure by killing all the doctors with no other context and then trying to force us to empathize with him after the fact.

That’s the problem with Abby’s implementation at the core of the second game’s story, and sadly, it’s enough to mar nearly the entire experience. When Abby first appears, we as the player know nothing about her (and I mean nothing. We don’t even get her name until at least an hour or so after controlling her. That’s not the best introduction for a soon to be major character….).

We get nothing about her, then she kills Joel from the jump (about barely 3 hours into the game), and puts Ellie on a warpath and all of it goes down from there. By this point, we still know nothing about Abby (but hey, at least we as the player get a name before she bashes Joel’s brains in with a golf club). And not only do we not know anything about her, but Naughty Dog didn’t realize that this framing choice effectively prevented the player from wanting to know or care about her as a character.

At this point, later forcing the player to later control her and empathize with her for 10-12 hours is out of the question. She should have remained squarely in the villain role (from Ellie’s point of view). The shock value of Joel’s murder is there as they wanted (whether good or bad is up to the player), but without knowing anything about Abby beforehand, all it really does is completely alienate Abby from the player before we could have gotten a chance to know anything about her, or even want to know anything about her. That’s what I meant earlier about TLoU II not giving the player space to understand and relate/connect to/with the newly introduced characters, to have the scenes and the content convey the emotional intent without the need of these unnecessary forced framing choices and over the top shock value instances.

Seriously, how hard would it have been to let the player know from the outset that Abby was associated with the Fireflies, and that her father was the lead surgeon that Joel killed to rescue Ellie five years ago? From what I understand, it’s several hours into the game before this information comes to light.

The game makes the mistake of introducing Abby in such a way that the narrative (almost to an absurd degree) assumes that the player is already invested in her. We’re not. We’ve literally just met her. And we as the player are given no room to get emotionally invested in her as a character, and when the game finally realizes that “oh, without some context on this matter, no one will care about Abby” (roughly 12 or so hours after the fact from what I’m understanding) it feels like it’s too little too late. 

We as the player never received the opportunity to understand who she is, who she’s after, what her deal is, nothing prior to the controversial murder scene (it all happens after the fact, but by then, people are typically closed off from truly caring or able to change their minds about her so the whole 10 run feels more like a slog narratively rather than a deep, engaging “walk a mile in this person’s shoes” thing. 

We’re just forced to continuously bounce back and forth between controlling her and Ellie throughout the game from the beginning. That’s honestly not the best story structure….ND....you can’t shove Abby down our throats later and expect us to truly care about her. That’s not how it works. And even the whole “well, we wanted the player to hate Abby” thing falls apart because the later scenes where we’re forced to control her feel very unnatural and are often trying too hard to FORCE the player to empathize with her rather than just again, trusting the content to allow us that (again, give the player some space to experience the narrative, build things/people up better, stop relying on shock value without the adequate suspense) for ourselves in a more natural way like with the characters and the way they were presented in the first game.

And Why? Because Naughty Dog was so focused on trying far too hard to illicit certain reactions/emotions from the player. Yes, the overall framing of Joel’s untimely murder at Abby’s hand is bold and (to a point) brilliant in getting us to feel exactly (and I do mean EXACTLY) what Ellie feels in that moment because she doesn’t know any more about this Abby chick than we do. That definitely works for getting us to feel something for Ellie and truly understanding her pain and sorrow in the moment, however, in the larger scheme of the narrative, it was unnecessary. We’re ALREADY just as emotionally invested in Ellie as a character by this point as we are Joel. They are both returning characters.

If they knew that they were going to have Abby (an entirely newly introduced character) kill off one of their major (returning) characters in the first few hours of the game, and ESPECIALLY if we were going to be forced to control her later, then all of their efforts should have been made into making Abby as emotionally understood as possible from the very beginning. This easily could have been rectified with a montage, or a playable prologue or something explaining exactly who she is and her friends were. THEN have her kill Joel somewhere in the middle of the game (while having her conflicted over doing so in part because he saved her life multiple times). People would have still hated her as you wanted ND, but her story is much more understandable and less convoluted and infuriating for the player to experience (and not in the genius way that you think, but just in the “bad story structured way”). The canon structure of Part II might have worked for a novel, or a movie or TV show or something. 

This is a story driven VIDEO GAME. Players directly experience the narrative, not just read or watch it. It has to work in a way that doesn’t feel like an outright HATE message directed to the player themselves. There’s a difference in “exploring the themes of hatred and revenge” in a game, and “deliberately creating something that people are going to despise” (something Druckmann said. He literally said that he’d rather people passionately hate the game rather than just saying “eh, it was ok”). 

To me, I think it would have been more conducive to focus their efforts on creating an experience that people would ultimately LOVE TO PLAY AS A GAME, as Naughty Dog explored the themes of hatred/revenge solely within the realm of the game’s content, rather than this borderline preachy way they presented this current flop of a story. Just IMO.

It’s sad too, because it would have been a great opportunity for Naughty Dog to fill in some of the gaps in the first game regarding the Fireflies, getting more of major key moments from the Fireflies’ point of view (since their movement was largely in the background of the first game, but still prominent enough) and she could have served as an interesting foil or something to both Ellie and Joel.

Abby is a character who lost her father at the hands of Joel, while Ellie never knew hers and found a father figure in the very man who took Abby’s father away from her. Joel in the first game was depicted as a man who had largely given up on humanity after everything that happened to him, more than likely didn’t believe humanity deserved a cure, or at least damn sure that to him it wasn’t worth losing Ellie over, and killed a lot of the Fireflies to rescue her.

Abby had a direct connection with the group, her father probably a hero in her eyes for still wanting to do the right thing and help humanity (what was left of it anyway) and was brutally murdered by someone who, by all accounts was nothing but a thuggish criminal and smuggler from her point of view.

All of those things could have been compelling and made Abby more understandable and relatable from the start. Would her killing Joel in such a brutal fashion so early in the game still have been bad? Absolutely. However, to me, the difference in knowing who she is and what her deal is before hand would have at least given the player the space to decide how much so for themselves. The overall framing choice of the narrative made this story more convoluted than it needed to be unfortunately. I get what Druckmann was going for overall, but the over reliance on shock value and screwing around with the player’s emotions in this game ultimately came at the cost of good story structure in the process. Sometimes, the straightforward approach is the best way to execute a story….

Well, that’s it for part one of my review. What do you all think? Agree? Disagree? Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter. But for now, I will return to my Den. Thanks for reading! If you liked this review, then stay tuned for my follow up after I complete the game.

Edit: Part II of my review is up! If you liked this, and want to read about how I would have personally structured this story, here’s the link to that!

[aion-rsa]

Cobra Kai: How the Show’s Martial Arts Level Up in Season 3

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This article contains Cobra Kai season 3 spoilers.

Despite its iconic standing within the martial arts genre, the martial arts in The Karate Kid have never been outstanding. Sure, the crane kick is a classic, but from a technical standpoint, it’s not that impressive. Ralph Macchio had no martial arts training prior to undertaking the role of Daniel. In many ways, that’s part of the charm. Whether you know martial arts or not, Daniel’s wax on, wax off awkwardness makes Macchio’s portrayal more genuine. 

Throughout the film franchise, it was Daniel’s adversaries who were the martial artists. William Zabka (Johnny Lawrence) had a background in wrestling prior to the first film and continued to train in Tang Soo Do under Master Pat E. Johnson after it wrapped (Johnson played the referee and trained the actors for the film.) Martin Kove (John Kreese) studied Gosoku-ryu Karate under the founder of that style, Grandmaster Takayuki Kubota. The villains in the sequels all had previous training too. Yuji Okumoto (Chozen Toguchi) began Chito-ryu Karate when he was thirteen and was a brown belt by the time he appeared in The Karate Kid Part II. In The Karate Kid Part III, Thomas Ian Griffith (Terry Silver) practiced Taekwondo since childhood and holds a black belt in Kenpo Karate. Stage combat is one of his specialties. And Sean Kanen (Mike Barnes), like Okumoto, studied Karate since he was thirteen, only his style was Shotokan. He also worked professionally as a bar bouncer. 

Because Macchio was a much weaker martial artist than his adversaries both in the story and reality, it was challenging for the stunt choreographers. It limits the vocabulary of where the fights could go. Without a strong martial artist in the lead role, the fight choreographers had to create work arounds, like the crane kick. But again, that was part of the charm of Daniel. No one could play Daniel LaRusso like Ralph Macchio. 

Cobra Kai faces a similar situation because like Macchio, few of the lead actors had previous martial arts training. For more authenticity, newcomers to the cast were not only tasked to learn Karate, they had to do some of their own stunts. With that in mind, Den of Geek spoke with Macchio and more about season 3’s ambitious combat, and the training and editing that goes into major fight scenes. 

No Mercy

Cobra Kai suffers from the same constraint as the original films had with Daniel. All the high school kids are amateurs. We bear witness to their inductions into Karate, and their meteoric rise in skills (Just like The Karate Kid, Cobra Kai takes major liberties on how quickly someone can progress in the martial arts, but so do most stories in the genre). They’re teenagers, not ninjas or Shaolin monks. The fight scenes cannot pivot on extreme Jackie Chan moves. To remain genuine to the story, the next generation must retain some of Daniel’s awkwardness. 

However, stunt coordinators Jahnel Curfman and Hiro Koda did excellent work in keeping it real. In the premiere episode, Johnny’s first fight showed that Zabka had kept up on his Tang Soo Do and could still throw a decent kick. It served the story perfectly, showing Johnny as slightly out of shape, but still formidable. As seasons 1 and 2 progressed, the fight choreography complemented its story arcs appropriately, but Cobra Kai wasn’t a show just to watch for its fight scenes. 

This changed with the season 2 finale “No Mercy.” Curfman and Koda composed a thrilling high school brawl with a solid long take shot – a “one-er” where there are no cuts in the action. It was a thrilling fight, full of complex cinematography and enough close-ups that we could see that many of the actors did their own stunts. 

The season 3 finale fight in the LaRusso residence was even better, longer, and more complex. According to Xolo Maridueña (Miguel), Cobra Kai’s second one-er was a challenge. “When you film an episode like the finale of season 2, you get to the point where you’re like, ‘How do we top this?’ It feels like we kind of achieved everything that we wanted. And I think at that point, we did achieve everything that we wanted. We got this really, really great scene that felt so grand. And in season 3, we want to give people that same kind of feeling, that same rush that you get from watching so many moving parts working together, but it needs to be different.”

How was it different? Maridueña elaborates. “I think that you see that the motives of a lot of these characters are different. The circumstances, the need to win I think is much higher in a finale. And I think up until the very end and even after the fight feels concluded you still feel that sense of weight on your shoulders.”

The Long Take One-Er

Cuts make fight choreography easier. When there’s one cut for every strike, retakes aren’t as difficult. If there are two strikes before a cut, it’s twice as hard. More strikes increase the challenge exponentially. In the original film, The Karate Kid, there was a one-er, but it wasn’t a fight scene. When Daniel first enters the All-Valley Karate Tournament from the locker room, it’s a continuous long take that clocks in just shy of a minute and a half. The blocking is complicated but it’s not as complex as a fight scene would be, and according to Macchio, the scene took 35 takes to get right. 

In filmmaking, one-ers are always held in high regard for their technical achievement. Hitchcock’s Rope was a pioneering example with the entire film consisting of only 11 one-ers. The critically acclaimed World War I film 1917 was nearly a single one-er. When it comes to fight choreography, this is why classic Kung Fu films from the 70s and 80s are so highly respected by martial art movie connoisseurs. While they weren’t one-ers, those fights, like what was coming out of  Shaw Brothers Studio, went dozens of moves before a cut. Some recent films like Atomic Blonde and the John Wick trilogy have showcased one-er fights. What’s more, they are shot in such a way that we can see that Keanu Reeves and Charlize Theron are doing a lot of their own stunts. In contrast, in Netflix’s latest assassin thriller Ava, all of Jessica Chastain’s fights are one strike, one shot, and her stuntperson takes over for all the heavy lifting. 

There are some trade tricks to one-ers. The first is a stitch where the camera pans to a featureless surface. This can disguise a covert cut, making the scene appear seamless. But in actuality, there was a break. The other is what is known in the stunt industry as a “Texas switch.” This is where an actor is swapped out with a stunt person by somehow leaving the shot, like being tossed out of frame or ducking behind an obscuring set piece.  

Television fight choreography has leveled up in the last few years. Daredevil was a game-changer for TV one-ers. The show kept upping its game every season. Season 1 episode 2 “Cut Man” ended with a one-er hallway fight that caught every martial arts fan’s attention. It had a lot of stitches and Texas switches. During that one-er, the camera repeatedly moves across featureless hallway walls hiding cuts and Daredevil is masked, allowing for multiple stuntmen to take over. Nevertheless, it’s still a thrilling fight and top-notch choreography. Season 2 episode 3 “New York’s Finest” featured another brutal one-er in a staircase fight. Again, Daredevil is masked so swapping stuntmen was easy. On top of that, Daredevil knocks out the lights, so a lot of the fight is in the dark, obscuring more stitches and switches. In Season 3 episode 4 ‘Blindsided’ Daredevil pulled off their most spectacular one-er of all and one of the best that has ever made it to the small screen so far, the prison fight. In that scene, Daredevil is not masked so Charlie Cox can be seen doing a lot of his own stunts. It clocks in at over 10 minutes. The fight choreographers on Daredevil, Chris Brewster, Philip Silvera, and Roberto Gutierrez raised the bar on TV fight choreography.

Karate And Stunt Training

The one-ers in Cobra Kai aren’t nearly as long, but they do showcase the actors doing many of their own stunts. And like Macchio, few of the cast have had previous training. Jacob Bertrand (Hawk) has a purple belt in Karate and Taylor Buchanan dabbled in Taekwondo, but that’s about the extent of the young cast’s experience. Beyond learning their lines and finding their characters, the actors had to take a crash course in martial arts. 

“I only started learning in season 2,” says Peyton List (Tory), “and that was just in episode 4 of season 2, when I first came in. And I just take everything I can get, and I love learning it. So I’m trying to do everything I can even from home, but that one-er was one of the most fun. Jahnel, my stunt double, she was like, ‘You’re doing this all on your own.’ And that was a big moment for me, and I’m excited for everyone to see that.” 

“My training is something I take super seriously,” adds Mary Mouser (Sam), “because I know that a lot of people who watch this show love martial arts and love the fighting aspect. As much as all the other fun things we have, we have a lot of really cool martial arts fans. So I want to make them proud. I am clearly still a novice in this world, but Samantha is not. So it’s fun to get to stretch myself, to see how much I can push myself to look like I’ve been doing Karate for all these years, when in total probably have about a year’s worth of training so far.”

Bertrand’s Karate background doesn’t make shooting a one-er any easier. “The next couple of days after those types of shoots, you’re definitely sore for at least two days. You’re running the same thing over and over again at 110%, but honestly, I’m just so excited for everyone to see that final fight, it’s going to be so great.”

Forever Young

In season 3, Daniel says he’s now as old as Miyagi was when they first met. Despite his baby face, Macchio is 59. He admits doing fight scenes no  isn’t as easy as back in the day. “The challenge is always as I get older or attempt to look younger, is the physical stuff. Staying in shape, not getting hurt. It requires work and attention and focus.”

Macchio is like David Carradine, who played Kwai Chang Caine in the television show Kung Fu. For their defining roles, they posed as martial arts masters, however they are actors first and foremost, not martial artists. At the very least, Macchio has maintained his integrity by never claiming to be an expert. Carradine milked his master role by writing martial arts books and selling instructional videos, despite his martial mediocrity. Today, Carradine’s martial products are generally disregarded, even mocked, by earnest practitioners. Most considered them to be a joke (the fact that Carradine’s Kung Fu uniforms looked more like Klingon athleisure suits didn’t help). Macchio could have easily cashed in doing the same but to his credit, he never did. 

Will Cobra Kai attempt an even bigger one-er for Season 4? “As soon as the fight is over you’re ready to watch the next one,” teases Maridueña. “And I think that’s all you can ask for in a fight scene.”

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Cobra Kai season 3 is now available on Netflix.

The post Cobra Kai: How the Show’s Martial Arts Level Up in Season 3 appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[avoutput]

Final Fantasy VII Legacy || Memories of a Great Storm

Legacies take shape before you, around you, through you, and beyond you. As incredible as it might be to be the subject of a legacy, the true strength of a legacy is how it builds you up. When you are young and finding yourself, the building process is a ride, a rumbling beneath your feet, wet clouds in the sky above your head. When a legacy is forming, there are signs that you are still too young to see, but you can feel it. It beckons to you, wanting you to be a part of it. You want to stand at the shore of its coming alongside all the others who want to feel the waves at their feet. Like all storms, everything has to be just right. And like a tree falling in the woods, someone has to be there to witness it, to tell its tale, and in doing so, this tale becomes woven into you. Because it isn’t just the storm, the waves, the quaking that makes the legacy, it’s the people who survive that keep it alive. Final Fantasy VII was for me, this great storm.

The first time I played Final Fantasy VII was on the floor of my cousin’s room on Christmas day. Every tsunami starts as a ripple. I didn’t have a Playstation. In fact, despite reading multiple gaming magazines, I must have glazed past it, because I had never even heard of it. I was too blinded by the Nintendo 64 and its legacy. I went from a Nintendo baby to a Sega kid between console generations, and I missed out on a lot of the SNES until the end of its life cycle. I didn’t want to miss out again, so I put on blinders and put in a parental request for the N64. You can imagine my surprise when FF7’s opening cinematic played out on a tiny tube tv. The ripples became waves and the ocean began to move. When I started playing, I wasn’t even sure what was happening, who anyone was, and how there could have been 6 other games I had never played. My cousin was trying to explain the concept to me, but I couldn’t hear him. I just wanted more. But, it was Christmas day, and in my family, that meant family time. Work. Maybe a slightly unique aspect of my family, but Christmas presents were opened at night around the entire extended family. The middle-kids were responsible for passing out all of the gifts to every other member of the family, and this was a long and painful process, especially for an 11 year old. Once everyone was finished, the middle kids opened their gifts in front of everyone. And even though I hadn’t asked for it, all I could think of was how much I wanted one of those boxes to be a Playstation. Not only did I not have any luck with that, I also didn’t get longer than 30 minutes with the game. Instead, every moment was punctuated by familial obligation. I went home unhappy, unsatisfied, my mind never left Midgar. I took a step further from the shore, deeper into the water.

The internet was still young and so was I. The best I could do, the best I could find, was fan pages and old magazines with little information. I absorbed as much as I could, but color pages and chibi gif animations of the FF7 crew just couldn’t cut it. But in all of the noise, there was some news. They were making a PC port of FF7. Alarm bells. Surely my 2 year-old desktop would be too far behind to play the game. My dreams felt again dashed. Through all of this, my obsession made my mother vaguely happy in a roundabout way. The desktop background of the living room PC was Tifa, and her big breasts helped my mother believe I wasn’t as gay as her earlier impressions, a conspiracy theory of her own making. To this day, she still makes jokes about Tifa. The only thing that would have only made her happier is if she was black. Anyway, the world had caught on to Final Fantasy, and I wanted to be a part of it. But when you’re 11, time is much more of a key to gaining something, it has to pass for anything to happen. As an adult, you can make things happen, but kids, they need an angle. A hard angle. That usually means you need the parents to come through, but they need to be unwitting participants in your obsession, pawns in your game.

Luckily, my dad was KING PAWN. My father, always the type to want to be on the cutting edge, bought us (himself) a laptop. This was out of nowhere, no prodding or manipulation, and while his claims for having bought the machine for work and school were dubious at best, I went with it. And with that came the specs I would need to play the PC version. But there was a catch. Christmas had passed and my birthday was in the fall, months from our current Spring. There wasn’t a free pass in sight. No amount of chores would fill my coffers and quell the storm in my heart. I need another rube. But with Spring came green. Money right out of the ground. My best friend had a lawn mower and I had a plan. Get this, what if we mowed lawns… for money? Bam! Winning ticket. There were one million old ladies and lads dying to give money to cute kids dragging a lawnmower from house to house. After mowing what felt like one thousand lawns, I was able to buy a copy. The storm was becoming a hurricane.

It was time to monopolize my dad’s new toy. Like most of his new toys, if it wasn’t a paperback book, he spent barely any time with it after a few weeks, so it worked in my favor. As fast as childhood actually passes, to children, the relative perception of time’s passing is slower than an adult’s. The more they want something, the longer it takes to manifest. Mix that with a negatively polarized Murphy’s Law, and you get your worst scenario; a computer that can run the first few hours, but crashes during certain enemy moves. This is where we meet the eye of the storm. My resolve is broken, my will shattered. How will I ever play this game? A million years passed (about a week), and that is when I realized my closest friend had gotten a new computer that last Christmas. A proper desktop model, in his own bedroom. It hadn’t occurred to me to bring the game to his house because PC games required an install and I couldn’t just bring the game home and continue my save file whenever I felt like it. Still, that next weekend, like every weekend, we had a sleepover, and for the third time, I started the game over. I took the game as slowly and methodically this time as I had before. The eye of the storm was slipping past. I was able to pass the Sector 5 Slum to Sector 6 tunnel I had gotten stuck in at home. By that time, I was the only one left awake. As I neared the top of the Shinra building, I could feel the storm in my heart reaching a fever pitch. I was so close. I saved Aeris, met Red XIII, beat Rufus, and sat in awe as Cloud rolled down the stairs on a thundering motorcycle. My heart was racing as I took out enemies to save my allies until there was no more road left. I was so excited, I was at the edge of Midgar. As I punished the highway monstrosity between me and my escape, the storm was beginning to calm, and then, turning red, he melted down and exploded in Final Fantasy fashion. And I had done it. My characters were free. The game was over. To be continued in Final Fantasy 8. RIght?

The hurricane died down, the characters begin to discuss their next steps. At this point, I have been playing around 9 hours straight. It was about 2 or 3 AM. I was just beginning to resign myself to take to a pillow and pad on the floor. But then the earth beneath the sea began to move and the waves began to take shape once again. And then, suddenly and with no provocation, the city of Midgar became a mere fraction of its size and Cloud became a giant. The world had shrunk and in the distance the curvature of the world could be seen. I began to move around and enemies appeared on my path. The waves miles of shore had become the size of skyscrapers. All at once I realized that it wasn’t the end. There was more. So much more. It wouldn’t be Final Fantasy 8 until I beat Sephiroth. There were 2 other discs. What was I thinking? Of course there was more. But why did it take so long to get here, to find more. I was bamboozled by the sights and sounds of Midgar, sung a sirens song by Avalanche and Shinra, and believed my mission would take shape and be completed inside the walls of some slums in some city that surely didn’t make up the entire world. Sephiroth and Shinra were a threat to the world, not just the people of this city. That was when the tidal wave met the shore. A tsunami of realization. A whole new identity was consuming me.

In the calm of the wave that had consumed me, weightless in my memories, my brain started making connections. My cousin introduced me to manga like Dragon Ball and Akira. I had grown up on a steady diet of Mario Bros, Sailor Moon, Sonic the Hedgehog, not to mention the growing phenom Pokemon. He told me all these animated dreamscapes came from Japan. A friend of mine showed me Final Fantasy III on his SNES, but it didn’t excite me like Link to the Past or Mario Kart. Cloud was not in Final Fantasy III as far as I could remember, but I had missed the other installments in between. And the world didn’t look at all similar. Who made this game? Squaresoft? I’ve never played a genuine Nintendo game on a computer before. But this came out on Playstation. What is happening? Oh, Sephiroth put a tree through a snake. Maybe all of these things are Japanese? My cousin told me Sega and Nintendo were from Japan. Wow, that is a big cannon and now I have to march and get on a boat? How much longer could this game be? I could feel myself getting tired. This is a nice beach town. What time is it? I have to get to the Golden Saucer next. A tap on my shoulder, sun in my eyes, my friend says, “Dude, you are still awake? Did you play all night?”

My eyes were open. The tidal wave had passed and I was baptised a whole new person. I was awake floating on a sea of my own consciousness. The next 10 years of my life would be shaped by RPG’s, Anime, Manga, Computers, D&D, and Cinema. Nerd Culture. I found a whole new person after playing Final Fantasy VII. It put together pieces that had been lying scattered, shaping a fan, a creative, and a more curious soul. I would challenge peers to try these new experiences, hoping it would awaken them the way it had me. I hadn’t realized that what awoke me was the perfect storm yet and that for most people, they wouldn’t be able to experience it the same way I had. I was able to find comradery in my closest friends and all of these cultural touchstones bound us even to this day. Final Fantasy VII’s legacy, maybe all legacies, aren’t just the collective experiences of having been a part of its success, but in the lives that were shaped around it; we are the base at which the monument stands. It’s legacy is strengthened by those who survived the storm and it continues to thrive because it was the perfect storm. A storm that still draws people in. A great storm that never died. A story we all still tell.

[mazojo]

Favorite Sohma’s

Hi yes, uh, I needed a space to rant about fruits basket because I am still very broken so yea

Disclaimer that this is just my opinion and I still love them all very much, just needed to get this out of my system ayee. Also I will include a song that reminds me of them because I am that invested in this so yeaaaa

14- Kagura Sohma

Boy by Little Mix - “I know what you’re worth girl, you know what you got”

I rank Kagura as my least favorite just for the fact that I cant really relate to her I guess? I mean, she is okay, I think she is cute and all but I don't think violence is the way to go about her struggles and she is so much more worth than she gives herself credits for. In the end, I dont think I full understood her big struggle as much as the other characters and thats why she is at number 14, although I want her to be happy and full of love and support like the others ;w;

13- Akito Sohma

My Eyes by Neil Patrick Harris and Felicia Day - “But it’s plain to see, Evil inside of me is on the rise”

Akito is a complicated one for me man. Of course, in the beginning and throughout the manga you learn to really dislike her because she did some terrible things, specially to my baby boi Yuki and eye-.... But then when we learn more about her and everything she has gone through we start sympathizing with her but i..... cant just forget everything she did. I get she was traumatized since she was little, she became dependent on the zodiacs because of her father’s words and mother’s behaviour thus becoming a broken person with this big responsibility she didn't ask for. It really ticks me however, how much pain the others underwent through her, and even though its a healing process, the traumas and everything they suffered is still there which is why I cant place her higher. I do not hate her by any means, but she isnt my favorite person on this list either. I do ship her with Shigure and I think they help each other out, and they grow from the other.

12- Shigure Sohma

Used to the Darkness by Des Rocs - “Now would you pray before you twist the knife? Yeah, would you take my hand and take a life?”

*big sigh* Shigure is also a complicated one for me. It may be my big dumb energies showing but I didnt fully get a grasp on his character? I know he was doing everything for Akito’s sake to liberate from the curse and be with her so she is finally a “woman” but he always acted a bit shady xD?? I would have love to know more about his backstory, we dont get much from his motivations and character other than the perverted aspect and that he loves Akito lmaoo. I do think he is hilarious and I love the dynamic he has with Hatori and Ayame lol

11- Ayame Sohma

Starships by Nicky Minaj - “Starships were menat to fly, Hands up and touch the sky “

To be honest I am pretty neutral about Ayame’s character. He is hilarious and I love how Yuki insults him every tike he gets the chance lolll. I like how throughout the story he tries to change to become a better brother to Yuki and person even though he is pretty extra most of the time about it. He has a good heart and even though he made some mistakes he owns up to them which in my opinion, makes him a good character <33 I love his friendship with Hatori lmaooo they balance each other out sooo well

10- Kureno Sohma

Taking Chances by Celine Dion - “Never knowing if there's solid ground below, Or a hand to hold, or hell to pay”

I really like Kureno! He has gone through quite a bit and he needs a hug. I am sad thinking how most of his life he lead it pretty similarly to Yuki’s, apart from everyone and super enclosed to his relationship with Akito due to him breaking the curse and feeling bad about it. I do wish we would have gotten to know more about his personality and story, if we did I would have definitely ranked him higher! He really reminds me of Tohru’s father and I think Uotani is perfect for him <33 would have love to see more about the two of them and hopefully they expand upon it in the anime

9- Ritsu Sohma

Waving Through a Window by Ben Platt - “On the outside, always looking in, Will I ever be more than I've always been?”

Okay okay so I have a lot of thoughts on Ritsu. Manga Ritsu is okay, I really dont have much of an opinion on him due to him appearing only in a few chapters, I feel like from the Sohma’s, he is the one we get the least information about. But then the anime episode came out where they presented Ritsu and I thought they gave him so much more life and rounded personality where, I get to relate a lot to him? I am someone who is constantly apologizing for absolutely no reason and seeing him be all anxious and stressed about others interactions is big relate to me and I stan. I also think the whole dressing as a woman plot line is better dealt with in the anime and I hope we get to see more about his insecurities and troubles in the future because he is truly a very interesting character! I stan my one (1) anxious monkey.

8- Kisa Sohma

Mean by Taylor Swift - “But you can take me down with just one single blow, But you don't know what you don't know”

Cinnammon rooooooolll. Kisa is such a cutie. I dont have much to say other than my mood every time I think about Kisa is hugging her like Tohru does because she is babyyyy. Also her bullying story is one I think many viewers and readers can relate a lot to and such an important topic I think they covered pretty well and I loveee. Also her and Hiro are one of my favorite ships because they work so well and asdfgh in this household Kisa is a queennn.

7- Isuzu Sohma

Take me Home by Jess Glynne - “Came to you with a broken faith, Gave me more than a hand to hold”

I really like Isuzu!! I am pretty bummed we wont get to meet her in season 1 of the Anime reboot but hopefully in the nest season! She is quite a complex character that I didnt really understand at the beginning but once we see how much she loves Haru and all that she does in order to protect and keep him save she really went up my list. She has gone through so much, from her shattered reality from her parents, Akito threatening Haru, her being locked up withour given any food.... Isuzu is so strong and one of the best build characters in the series and I am super excited to see her in the anime!

6- Hiro Sohma

Time to be a Man by The Airborne Toxic Event - “And it’s time to be a man, Tell me how does that go?”

My bastard childdd <33 He is such an asshole and such a sweetie at the same time. His whole inner struggle of not feeling like a good enough man for Kisa is so heartwhelming and I think it really makes sense to the type of person he is. The flashbacks of him telling Akito how he loves Kisa and the feeling of uncertainty and impotency when seeing the girl he loves being hurt by his actions and wanting to be good enough for her even though he is more than enough sdfghjasd. I am also a softie for older brothers who love their families *cough cough* spoiler alert: Momiji *cough cough* that I love me one angry boi

5- Hatsuharu Sohma

4 Seasons by Rex Orange County - “I saw myself as less and you so high above me”

Cow boil! apart from the fact that I love love loveeee Haru’s design, I think he is also such a well build character! He is not only supportive of everyone (aka the loves of his life, Rin and Yuki xDD) but he is so interesting! His split personalities give him a cool trait (even though dark Haru doesnt appear much in the end of the manga) and I love how he helps everyone and makes sure those he loves are protected at all cost and happy. He is Rin and Yuki’s fan club stan leader and I am co-leader so we been stanning aye

4- Hatori Sohma

Fireflies by Owl City - “I'm weird 'cause I hate goodbyes, I got misty eyes as they said farewell”

Boooooy the next four to come are my absolute favorties and I would die for their happiness and love so *takes big breathe* I LoVE hAtORi sOhMAAa. To be honest when we first meet him I didnt like him much. I thought he was your usual dark deep character who doesnt talk much because he is too cool for everyone (which, he is) and that was that. But boi was I in for a riDE. His story about having to erase the memories from the woman he loves is one of the ones I cried through the most. I put myself in his shoes and wonder if I had to erase the memory of the person I loved the most, make them forget they ever met me, all our happy times, sad times, angry times.... No matter what its one of the most saddening moments and the whole scene is heartbreaking, which makes me love Hatori even more for the fact of how strong he is and selfless. He puts himself before others and he need to know he also deserves happiness and I am glad in the end he got it because homeboy needed a break ;w;. I also adore Ayame’s relationship with him xDD, he is like his idol and big same.

3- Kyo Sohma 

This song saved my Life by Simple Plan - “Sometimes it feels like nobody gets me, Trapped in a world where everyone hates me”

Top three babyyyy. We have now my angry cat boi™. I mentioned it before but going into the reboot firsthand without reading the manga nor watching the first anime, I thought Kyo was going to be my absolute favorite character. I knew he would be the angry boi who was soft inside and probably had a tragic backstory™ that made him act the way he did and I am a sucker for those types of characters. And I love Kyo, I really do, specially when we find out more about his struggles and past. The exclusion he felt throughout his life for being the cat, the abandonment, feeling like he had no one and was ready to die because he didn't have any source of genuine happiness (well, apart from Kazuma ya know but stillll). Then he finds Tohru, the girl he promised to protect, the one that reminded him of the woman that helped him out all those years ago and I just.... poetic cinema at its finest. Kyo and Tohru make one of my favorite couples and I love how flustered and In absolute l o v e he is with her and Kyo is great man....

2- Yuki Sohma

Nandemonaiya by RADWIMPS - “Crying even when you're happy, Smiling even when you're feeling lonely”

THIS WAS ONE OF THE HARDEST DECISIONS OF MA ENTIRE WEEB CAREER SO EXCUSE WHILE I SCREAM. Yuki Sohma won my heart and entire soul throughout the series. I liked him from the start but he wasn't my favorite favorite at the beginning you know? I thought he was isolated and thats why he didn't have much friends and he was perfect and what not but boi was I wrong and happy about it. I think one of the reasons Yuki is one of my favorite characters in fruits basket is how much I can see myself in him. Having the constant need of perfection while also wanting to connect with others but finding it hard is something I personally struggle with and every time we learned a little bit about his backstory my heart broke. Everything Yuki had to go through, the rejection, the isolation, understanding that you are loved and not a burden, falling in love with someone, finding that figure of a mother/friend he always yearned for.... The complexity of Yuki’s character is astounding and I love my rat boi so so much.... When he joins the student council, finding his little group of friends and opening up to a more carefree and true Yuki, forgiving those around him and going and eye- YuKI IS MY BABY RAT BOI AND STAN HIM OR PERISH FROM HERE ;w;

1- Momiji Sohma 

Eine Kleine by Rachie - “If I were to go through life living just to take somebody else's place, Then I would rather have been born as a pebble, living out my peaceful days “

*Clears throat* *trumpets sounds intensify* *stands on podium* I LOVE MOMIJI SOHMA WITH ALL MY HEART AND HE MUST BE PROTECTED AT ALL COSTS. Thats it. Thats what I want you to get out of this post. I don't know if this is maybe an unpopular opinion-ish but Momiji’s backstory of his mother rejecting him, saying awful things, him having to accept being forgotten by his mother and sister whom he loved, not even being able to live with his family, is one of the most heartbreaking ones of fruits basket. Maybe its like what I said with Hiro and I am a sucker for big brothers that love their families, the sad smile of Momiji, my baby, angel, perfection when he sees his family and not being able to be with them, him loving Tohru but letting her go and be with Kyo because its her happiness that matters to him and I am-..... The selflessness of Momiji and how much of a sweetheart he is, his heart of gold and always being there for those around him, that moment where Akito was looking for Tohru and he got hurt trying to defend her.... Momiji is one of my all time favorite characters. He is a precious bean and I will never not shut up about my love for ma boi <333

Anyways that was long and ramble but I just needed to shout this somewhere because I've been missing they //rip

[thefairefolk-rp]

Hi Lash! Your application for Reyna Hawke has been accepted.

Name/Nickname: LASH

Age: 26

Preferred Pronouns: SHE/HER

Timezone: EST

Activity and Availability (Please answer in words as well as rating your availability from 1-10): 5 now and a 10 for the summer. Though my summers are busy, I have no work so activity will be much easier to meet.

IC INFORMATION:

Desired Character: Reyna Hawke

Second Choice Character: Gunnar Hawke

Reyna is a woman who has been at her peak only to be knocked down into the mud. She has been through the valley and is working her way to the top of another mountain. She is coming into her own. I want to explore the valley more, what sort of struggles did she go through. Her pride is another attribute that draws me in. Pride in the wake of literally being crushed. She doesn’t want pity and I think she gets angry when others try to “Help” her. Though, she does have a very serious weakness, Reyna refuses to let others see it. Kasha would be the only person she may let see the pain.

The nature of her injury also is also intriguing to me. She has been a warrior, average at best. Her injury came as a means to highlight her true gift. She had to learn to walk again in a new way. Her leg is a tool, it makes her seem harmless, a basic servant girl. Her mind was made sharper than any blade she could hold. I like this intellectual aspect. I love the idea of building that relationship with Kasha.

Kasha literally was the one who saved her by forcing her to get stronger. I believe Reyna was very depressed after her injury. Kasha did not baby her and that was exactly what she needed. This would increase the level of respect that she has for Kasha. Her own brother couldn’t even see what she needed in the wake of such a devastating injury.

I feel like her leg is continuously getting worse. The bio alludes to it worsening.This might lead to her seeking more treatment in the future. I don’t know a lot about faire medical practices but I would love to explore that . I really would like to discuss y’all opinion on that. I researched crushing injuries and assume that the cause is a nonunion or malunion of the bone. Malunions would have to be rebroken to heal and set properly but due to the Crushing, I doubt that is an option. I know of instances where family members have went years with a collar bone broken and developed severe pain when moving. I imagine her injury along those lines. That would require surgery, I’m not sure that medical practice is that advanced. I wonder what her options might be. Given it’s the lower leg I’m wondering if amputation would be a future development. Her leg is a big part of her character.

Pain is felt in her left knee. The knee symbolizes PRIDE

Her shin aches as a constant reminder of her weakness, the shin represents weakness being a very sensitive and brittle part of the body. Her lower leg is broken and will most likely never be completely healed. She will always be considered weak.

Her Ankle is not able to support her her left leg, the feet represent the connection, grounding to the earth. Her left leg drags the ground behind her, it’s grounded to the earth. She cannot really take a step but she’s never been closer to nature or her clan. The injury had brought her closer to Mother Earth.

These left side injuries make her right side overcompensate. Overtime her right body has become stronger though at first it was weaker in having to support both halves to the whole. The Left side of the body represents reflection of the past in dealing with the here and now. It’s a material reflection of life. The Right side of the body reflects FAITH IN ONES Self. Over time that side has become stronger. The Right side also represents Femininity and that coincides with her connection of having a crush on another. The Right side is spiritual.

Her depression makes sense with the symbolism of her injuries considering the spiritual self was overwhelmed with carrying on. Leg injuries say a lot about a characters ability to stand on their own two feet. REYNAs entire left pillar was crushed leaving her Faith and spiritual connections tested.

Are there any changes you would like to make?: I am concerned about ressources for the current FC. I looked and I have found little for the image in my head. I hate to ask for a FC change but….. Jessica Parker Kennedy  or    Cynthia Addai-Robinson. I like period FCs. Or if you have resources Antonia, I’m alright with that. There is mention of the shoulder length hair where Jessicand Cynthia have longer hair.. Or I am not sure if nathalie emmanuel is available or not. I thought I saw her as a FC already but I cannot recall.

Writing Sample

Reyna’s body tensed, a sharp intake of breath as the beast trembled between her thighs. Her sword brandished above her head, a battle cry broke into the chaos. The stench of blood and mud mingled with sweat, the smell of battle as she was accustomed. Riding hard, she showed no fear in the clear and present danger. The whites of her eyes pierced through the scarlet mask of pain that stole her femininity. Red war paint, the color of blood left her features appearing more grotesque than beautiful. Reyna was far too slight in her build to be lacking in her ferocity.

War was all around her; shouting, screaming, crying. She pitied none of them who chose to go head to head with the Wolf Clan. Victory was within her Grasp. Her pride flourished with the prospect of another battle won. She tightened her hands grip on the reins, halting to a casual gait around the ruins. Blinders of her pride, perhaps that was what kept her from hearing the release of an arrow. Even a hardened Wolf warrior feels the sting of pain. The horse rested violently, his body trembling beneath its rider. Spooked and injured, the beast fell and rolled over Reynas left leg. Had the beast gotten up, Reyna might have died at the warriors hand. Instead, she lay lifeless as the horse, pain so great that she could not utter a cry.

What had she accomplished? What had she proven? Her brother’s face passed through the blur of her memory. Pain painted the vision in shades of fire. If only she could black out, no she was running on the heat of adrenaline. Her body on fire beneath the weight of her steed. She felt her pride dying beneath the burden of weakness. “Death would be better.” The words broke past quivering lips. Pain, evident in the sharp breaths and the clenching of her jaw. Swallowing back tears that threatened to fall, Reyna’s eyes met her fellow clan mate. The look of pity was crushing. She knew, like her comrade, that this injury would last a lifetime.

[hugs-are-good-for-you]

Questions Tag

I was tagged by @whatswiththe-mustache​ (Which is kind of super cool and made me happy, thanks for tagging me!)

Rules: answer the questions and tag 10 people (I totally consider the 10 optional)

How tall are you?

I’m 5′4″ and super salty about it. Fun fact, for about 2 years it was 5′3 3/4″, because every quarter counts when you’re short.

What colour and style is your hair?

I have dark drown hair that likes to go between reddish brown and black depending on lighting, it’s a dramatic a-line that goes to my shoulders in what my friend calls the bi haircut, which is how she guessed the label first. I am aware that sounded like a fanfic oc intro, I am my own original character, so fight me.

What colour are your eyes?

Brown, soulless dark brown or friendly warm brown depending on mood.

Do you wear glasses?

Nope, I’m one of those horrible people with good enough vision not to need them.

Do you have braces?

Nope, though I did have a retainer for a while.

What’s your fashion sense?

I have no idea, it kind of runs its own gambit, so I kind of let it do its thing. The subcategories are: Disaster bi (Jean jackets, plaid, etc), business casual (Debator here for your job who has been trained in tricking people via aesthetic), fangirl, all kind of tied together by pastel punk?

Full name?

Shawnee Rose Redacted. Again, it sounds like an OC name, so who knows? I just know I was almost Mckayla and that would have been worse.

When were you born?

May 21, everyone thinks that I’m either underage or 26.

Where are you from and where do you live?

Utah

What school(s) do you go to?

Snow College and then was tossed into the workforce.

What kind of student are you?

I’m that student that bugs hard workers because I’m good at school with minimal effort and I’m my own worst roadblock. I am also the student that is either being challenged and thriving or not being challenged and failing.

Do you like school?

I really do, for the most part. I think it’s just the learning things that I wouldn’t typically seek out, the community, and the challenge aspect of things.

Fav subject?

Communications, Debate, or English, probably. The human element is where I tend to thrive and math does not completely like me.

Fav TV shows?

Young Justice, Teen Titans (not the reboot), Game of Thrones, Umbrella Academy, and Teen Wolf. Also on the list, but kind of not on the list due to complex feelings is The Magicians.

Fav books?

Harry Potter, Dark is Rising Sequence (Susan Cooper, needs so much more love), Percy Jackson, Chronicles of Narnia, The Gatekeepers (Anthony Horowitz, you’re gonna suffer, but you’re gonna be happy about it), The Blue Sword (Robin McKinley, beautiful), The Thief Lord, Ranger’s Apprentice, Avalon: Web of Magic, Maximum Ride (First three books only, I’m not proud), Ender’s Game/Shadow, the Heir Series (Cinda Williams Chima, a delight), Rowan of Rin, Deltora Quest, Julius Caesar, and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead.

Fav Pastimes?

So, I basically live on AO3, honestly. Tumblr comes somewhere after that. I don’t watch a ton of stuff, though I can keep on top of most of it. Alternatively, I do a lot of side projects.

Do you have any regrets?

Yeah, I regret playing the violin instead of the cello, I regret a friendship that I lost, and I regret not joining dance when I was younger.

Dream job?

I’m pretty happy where I am (I work with Pinterest), but I’d love to do any of the following: Travel planner (I stress plan to relax), designer, marketing, or one of my side projects. For example, I’m working on a project to centralize actual validated resources for mental illness. Essentially, instead of having to go to 7 different websites to find out what X is and then more websites to find out what you can do when dealing with it and then more to find out where to get help, it would be in one place, as well as tips to help others that are going through it.

Would you ever like to be married?

Dunno, I’m not really for or against, though I do want a dedicated snuggle buddy.

Would you like to have children?

I want to either foster or adopt.

If so, how many?

Three at max, no less than two (Says the lonely only child)

Do you like shopping?

Kind of, though only in the last few years. There is a direct correlation between the amount of control I have and how much I enjoy it.

What countries have you visited?

US and Canada, though I’ll be visiting a few countries in Europe in a few weeks!

Scariest nightmare you’ve ever had?

So, there’s two. One is existential, the other is supernatural, it’s appropriate. Supernatural was a house on fire, I heard a baby inside and broke a window to get to the basement to get it out, then it was a demon baby. The other I was with my dad in a parking lot, got distracted, he kept walking and drove off and I couldn’t move or make a sound, just watched as he left. I was five for both of them, not a fan.

Any enemies?

There’s always these questions, do people tend to have archenemies? I always wonder. I guess the closest would be either this horrible person I knew, but I’ve moved on and he just stalks my LinkedIn from time to time or this group of girls I called the Ashley’s (Guess why. Also, why is no one named Ashley that goes by Ashley a decent person? I know there has to be some, but I haven’t met any), they bullied a friend of mine and I always got in the way because, um, no, not a thing. I was literally told that I was alright when not in school and I was just like, “There is a reason for that. Consider what you’re not doing when I see you outside of school?”

Do you have a significant other?

Nope, closest I’ve been is playing a maybe/maybe not game with someone for a year or so.

Do you get along with your family?

Not with my dad, yes with my mum, but only due to a careful compromise on certain topics that has taken a lot of work to achieve.

Do you believe in miracles?

Not sure, actually. I kind of fall that I believe in something, but I’m not sure which and either way, I think they’re pretty uninvolved, so a lot of it falls to us regardless.

How are you?

It’s been a weird week. Some good things, some bad things, some ambivalent things. I’m okay overall, slightly salty about some things, but I’ve accomplished quite a bit and I’m happy with it.

XxX

Questions are fun! I’m going to tag some people I’ve interacted with, some people I haven’t, participate if you want to and have a lovely day regardless!

Tagging: @sassy-in-glasses, @dalek-in-heels, @captainkatieb, @mountains-boy, @arielseviltwinsister, @awesome-al97, @thisissirius, @bisexualtwilight

…..and @anyone and everyone who wants to be tagged! <3

[kihocrystal]

Spring 2018 - Final Impressions

Sorry this post is so late (again)! I had a *really* busy July, which really didn’t help at all. But anyway, here’s my thoughts on the shows that I finished this past season! All but one are sequels, though (and the one non-sequel was a carryover from last season)... Don’t worry, I’ll watch stuff like Megalobox and Hinamatsuri eventually! :’D

All “reviews” are listed in alphabetical order!

Amanchu! Advance - 8.0 / 10 (B-)

I liked season 2 as a whole! (Except for one episode / thing…)

QUEERBAITING SUCKS

I dunno if this is the fault of the anime or the source material…

…but this is still the most blatant example I’ve ever watched >_>

episode 11 didn’t need to happen!!! Why couldn’t Kokoro just… be a girl

or y’know, just let Pikari and Teko continue to “love” each other as they have! OTL

maybe why it annoyed me so much is that it’s like… a total bait & switch that went on for 2 SEASONS

to be fair, the reveal kinda went over my head? But when r/anime pointed it out, that’s when the salt began :/

yet the finale still has them blushing over reading thank you notes? It’s like this show wants its cake & eat it too

at the end of the day, the Kokoro stuff just… got in the way of Teko & Pikari’s interactions, platonic or not >_>

Also I’m one of the few people who actually liked the Peter arc

and it gave Ai some spotlight time!!!

it’s nice to have a little story arc to change things up (as opposed to an episodic structure)

(though I understand why many didn’t care for it… it leans a lot more towards supernatural than usual)

IMO they at least gave precedent w/ that one lucid dreaming episode w/ Teko, though

AND THERE’S ACTUAL SCUBA DIVING THIS TIME \o/

the underwater moments can be very magical… definitely the visual highlight

And the cast of characters is still enjoyable to watch too~ (def. a good group dynamic there)

Kokoro is considered a polarizing character for sure

I didn’t mind him that much until, y’know… his gender reveal led to the queer-baiting thing >_>

The finale was really nice though! It had pretty diving scenes and had cute Teko & Pikari moments~

In any case, this is still a very relaxing and heartwarming anime~

It has all the things I enjoyed about S1 here; it’s just the things added on top were a mixed-bag

Cardcaptor Sakura: Clear Card - 8.0 / 10 (B)

EVERYONE IN THIS SHOW IS BEING VAGUE AS SHIT

But at least the mystery is interesting!

It’s just too bad it took like… 20 episodes to start getting any kind of explanation :’)

I actually watched the original series through a r/anime rewatch at the end of last year!

(meaning there wasn’t much time for me going from that series to this sequel)

I enjoyed the callbacks to the original series as well!

(including going from *anime* canon! i.e. the 2nd movie actually being canon)

The visuals look nice! Even though it almost looks a bit… *too* rounded in comparison to the original

I enjoyed watching Sakura capture all the new cards in different ways~

Even though this season was VERY light on plot (mostly), this aspect provided the action~

Also I enjoyed watching the character interactions too ^^

But yeah… the lack of overarching plot development and VAGUENESS kinda holds this season back

that being said, the final episodes set up some potentially interesting developments to come

and the finale itself *definitely* was not a conclusive one, so S2 better be confirmed soon!

Overall, I still enjoyed this continuation for the things it did right! I’ll be looking forward to a S2~

Darling in the FranXX - 8.0 / 10 (B)

Well this is/was a… polarizing show, to say the least.

I enjoyed it overall, but certain things about it hold it back from a higher score for me.

There’s two main elephants in the room with this series, really

#1 is… the heteronormativity

this was basically from the get-go, and in the roots of the story / themes itself

since the themes revolve around male/female partnerships & the importance of that… Yeah

one of the core quotes being “a female and a male aren’t complete w/o the other” …Yeah, again

also the sex-like positions of the “stamen” and “pistil” while piloting also doesn’t help

the workings of this world’s society has hetero relationships as the standard and doesn’t really allow for other options

(i.e. the FranXX piloting, Ikuno’s female attraction not working out in both operating the mech & her feelings for Ichigo, etc.)

at least Ikuno and Ichigo got a scene to talk about their attraction feelings & make up somewhat ^^

plus the Nines are basically gender non-binary but are seen as antagonistic forces for most of the show… Yeah

and just basic hetero things (like sex & pregnancy) were like being attacked in this show (when it’s not in real life???)

there’s an image meme that’s like “no, Prime Minister Abe… this will not get people to have babies” (…agreed :’D)

sure, there are *many* ways you can interpret this show, but the fact that so many people have seen it as such is Not Good

#2 is… the show supposedly “jumping the shark” towards the end

the main culprit of this (for many people) seems to be the “suddenly aliens!” reveal in episode ~20

this didn’t really impact my enjoyment of the show at all, but I definitely understand why people would be disappointed

in a way, it does kinda shift the story away from the themes it was using prior to this…

perhaps the lack of foreshadowing was another reason the shift in plot didn’t go well

plus it tends to directly riff off of certain visual cues from other mecha (like Eva & Gurren Lagaan)

Those two main gripes aside, the directing & visuals in this show were what kept me interested throughout

music choices, visual choices, etc. just really made certain moments better than they probably should’ve been

I enjoyed the characters as a group as well (even if most of them individually weren’t anything to write home about)

Goro’s a good bro, Ichigo went through good development, Kokoro & Mitsuru developed as a good pair…

Futoshi ended up being kind of a fat joke to the end though (& it was interesting that him & Kokoro didn’t end up together)

of course, Zero Two is the one everyone loved (& I liked her & Hiro’s dynamic as well)

sure, some people felt like she had “no personality” after she realized the truth about Hiro, but I didn’t mind the change

Plus I like that this show had a… pretty good ending, actually! (All things considered)

Directing as always was on point, and we got to see everyone’s lives over time (& Hiro + Zero Two eventually re-uniting as kids)

I just wish the main group got to see the two of them again :’)

though I do wish VIRM actually got full-on destroyed instead of a “we might come back” ending :/

and the ending was also kinda like “oh yeah, all the Children sent away didn’t actually die!” ???

This show will likely have a legacy not unlike Guilty Crown going forward, but I thought it ended better than that show, for the record

But yeah, this show is far from perfect and has questionable themes. But I still enjoyed it over all for the things it did well~’

Nanatsu no Taizai S2 - 8.0 / 10 (B-)

Unfortunately, not as good as S1 (but I still enjoyed this season overall)

S1 felt like its own self-contained story, but this season is clearly a “Part 1” for things to come

I wish Diana had more to do this season… she lost her memory early on and STILL doesn’t have it back

she was out of the main conflict (& separated from the group) for most of it :/

she also had these WEIRD ANGLES & POSES all the time… the fan service w/ her was *Really* distracting

the only consolation is that we got to learn some backstory for her & meet her fellow giants

oh well, at least she’s met up with King again and is enjoying his company by the end :)

The Gowther twist is interesting, but the way they revealed it was kinda… underwhelming

plus that *also* hasn’t been resolved yet (like many other things this season)

Some good moments this season were centered around Ban

such as his relationship w/ Jericho, time w/ a resurrected Elaine, and the small arc w/ his foster dad :’)

Also the final Sin got introduced w/ Escanor! PRAISE THE SUN

he’s a fun character; skittish by night and INVINCIBLE by day

The addition of power levels was kinda weird

it wasn’t necessary in S1, so why add it now???

The training arc gave us a full flashback to Melodias’ past w/ losing Liza, which was nice (and sad ;~; )

plus the vs. 10 Commandments fight actually showed Melodias full-on dying? That doesn’t happen much

it was a brutal death too! Hard to watch ;~;

plus they even changed the OP animation to reflect that he died… now that’s commitment

of course he came back later on, but there’s a catch… (since he loses some emotions every time)

There were some good fights, mostly during the “tournament” arc

(especially Melodias vs. all commandments… a sakuga highlight for sure)

The finale had a good stopping point, but it definitely makes clear that the story’s not over

so yeah, unlike season 1, this season *needs* a season 3 to be worth the watch

So yeah, there were some good moments & fights this season, but as a whole, it’s weaker than S1

Shokugeki no Souma S3 (Part 2) - 8.5 / 10 (B+)

I enjoyed this season! Continuing on the darker tone that the first half of S3 set up

This plot line of Central taking over the school is still my favorite plot point thus far, tbh

in other words, shit is finally going down!

…even if many of Central are just mustache-twirling villains :’D

Erina’s gotten great development from this arc too…! She’s not just a typical stuck-up tsundere anymore

her backstory is definitely a harsh one. It was great seeing her gain the courage to stick up to dad!

We also learned more about Souma’s dad! :O

Especially about how he was seen as feared, and the pressure of success got to him :’(

along with how this backstory tied into Asami’s motivations as well

Most of the season was kinda a gauntlet of opponents for the “resistance” to face off against

seeing Akira turn evil (for a bit) was interesting, but it’s a good thing he turned good again~

we oddly haven’t seen a lot of the Elite Ten in cooking action yet???

The final part of the season started off the big Team Shokugeki! …but it only got through the first round

the stakes are definitely high for this one, and also seems like the big conflict of this arc for sure

it’s just, y’know… the season ending in the middle is not a good look, really

at least the ending wasn’t abrupt; it was open-ended but still had a sense of conclusion

All in all, a good second half of season 3 (with some of my favorite plot content thus far!). Keep it up!

[forgettinggirlinterrpted]

Sunday 5/6

My roommates name is Shauna. She doesn’t flush and when I got here there was what I can only assume were soiled clothes in a brown paper bag. 

A woman in the hall is also talking about her shit. I’m the youngest person here and im afraid to shower, there’s no door. The poop lady is cackling. 

My roommate and I talked, she’s nice, and I met her night nurse and she is so nice. Her name is Maria. 

I’m having a hard time figuring out why I feel like this. Its hard b/c I’ve been hungover but surely that’s not all it is. How do you recover from a hangover so bad you end up in a psych ward?

It weird not having my phone, I want to check twitter. I don’t want to go to group therapy tomorrow. 

I just can’t stop crying, my eyes actually hurt. 

My mouth tastes bad but I have no toothpaste. 

I started reading this book called notorious nineteen and it is truly trash. 

I don’t have the lights on bc Shauna’s sleeping- I feel like Mozart. 

My eyes hurt, I might go call my dad again to get my moms phone number. 

Ill be back. 

Got Taylor’s # and called her/my mom. Maria gave me some antihistamines to try to calm me down/sleep. 

My sisters want to come visit me on Tuesday. 

I’ve only eaten a donut this morning. 

There’s a painting of a window that is 100% mocking me. 

I’m sweaty. 

Some snaps I would be sending if I had my phone 

*a pic of the little card that was on my bed when I came in w/ a number on it for housekeeping. Caption idea- 

is this a joke?

It’s a work in progress. 

*def a snap of me whipping/nay naying to the woman whose been singing in the hall all night (singer)

Shauna is snoring. There’s no joke there but its absolutely worth noting. 

I just want to play candy crush. 

Monday

(12:30 pmish) I feel like I’m in a dream. I’ve been sleeping all day- it turns out it was only like 3 hours tops.

I had so many dreams. 

I just went and talked to a big ass table of doctors about my life and I just feel so groggy. They’re in there talking about me. 

I skipped lunch b/c my tummy hurt so bad after breakfast. 

Shauna puked everywhere. 

I think she’s leaving. 

Also turns out she’s in withdrawal AND pregnant. 

And she has an infected injection site on her arm. 

I just talked to my mom/dad/Taylor and asked them to bring me some books + shirts. 

The nice psychiatrist said she would give me some adavan to calm me down. Also I skipped lunch b/c my stomach hurt so bad from breakfast but now I’m hungry so I guess they’re gonna order me something. I feel so weird. (might have napped here)

4ish pm

40 mg stratera (sp?), one mg atavan. 

Finally left my room, I’ve been asleep all day. 

Nurse went and got me a coke + a water and I saw they’re watching forgetting Sarah Marshall so I thought Id join. Everyone called me out when I came in since ive been hiding out. Bitches. 

Movies suggested by the dude I’m watching FSM w/

- assassin’s creed

-Dogma

10 positive ways to describe myself

1. Legs that go up to my asshole

2. College educated

3. Big heart

4. Good sense of humor

5. Love babies

6. Love my friends 

7. Good communicator

8. Love the outside

9. Big smile

10. Lovely family

9 positive coping skills 

1. Talk to Taylor

2. Going on walks

3. Calling my parents

4. Reading

5. Going to therapy

6. Doing hw

7. Watching movies

8. Candy crush (questionable) 

9. Eating veggies

8 things I’ve accomplished 

1. College

2. Getting into grad school

3. Learning Spanish

4. Coming to the hospital

5. Making great friends

6. Moving a lot and making it through

7. Driving to SLC 

8. Supporting myself (for the most part)

7 healthy things I can do each day 

1. Eat well

2. Shower

3. Talk to my friends

4. Not drink

5. Clean my room

6. Clean my clothes

7. Do my hw

6 things I can change

1. My eating habits

2. Drinking

3. Exercising more

4. Getting a routine

5. Whitening my teeth

6. How I see myself

5 things I can’t change

1. How my family acts

2. How my friends act

3. The status of the US public school system

4. The amount of sunlight in my apt 

5. My face 

4 reasons I can’t give up

1. My family

2. I’m going to change the world

3. My friends

4. My future students

3 places I can get help

1. w/ dr. whose name I can’t remember 

2. my apt (Taylor)

3. the hospital 

2 people I can really trust

1. Taylor

2. my parents

1 reason I’m here

1. I need to not feel like this anymore

I’m holding myself back from asking why everyone’s here. 

Assassin’s creed guy, also known as biting guy (an inside joke from earlier) and sweater girl are talking about if the food delivery guy has extensions. 

We got called to dinner, now were finishing Sarah Marshall. 

Biter dude told hair guy “nice hair”.

Oh my god, when peter sings about how much he hates himself, biter and white shirt turned to me and said dang sounds like he’s going to be in the room next o me! way to be self aware guys! 

Just called my dad to find out about my stuff getting dropped off but turns out he did 2 hours ago and its all been in my room. 

I started crying immediately b/c Taylor is amazing- she brought me the perfect books. It was like she was talking to me through the books. 

She gave me b Franks autobiography and Jesse Donaldson’s ‘on homesickness’. And the book Amanda gave me. also wuthering heights and pastures of heaven. All so perfect. 

Shirts is roasting the shit out of double lasagna (he ate… double the lasagna we all got for dinner).

He keeps saying he looks like he’s about to give birth 

“I mean were already in the hospital we just gotta figure out what floor is maternity”

Wuthering Heights

1801- Mr. Lockwood +Heathcliff

Thrushcross Grange

Double lasagna is talking about the last time he had tequila- brother the last time I drank it I ended up here. 

What an anecdote. 

“they could have stolen my jewelry or even my virginity!” – about the guys who helped when he got too drunk. Double lasagna’s real name is * but he just introduced himself as Dorothy (to hair the night nurse helper). 

Fake Abby (biting guy came to my room thinking I was her) is here and shirt just said “you’re awfully quiet” and she rejected him hard. It was awk. 

One of the helpers is just chillin in here w/ us while I read my shitty book and we watch “just go w/ it” – its so bad. 

One of the nurses (pony tail) just made me go on a walk down the hall w/ him. They all keep asking me how I’m feeling and I keep saying fine but I’m not. As long as I don’t talk I don’t cry. I’m starting to think I want to stay here longer but also leave right away. Its all so confusing. 

Double lasagna just asked hair nurse if he could have his phone out of his bag and the way just looked up from his phone and said “nuh uh” was iconic. 

Its 805 pm and I think I’m going see about getting my sleeping pills so I can just crash. 

I need to document stuff better tomorrow b/c I don’t like how much of a blur today is. 

I finally showered and I feel better I think. I just don’t know what the move is once I get out. Like I don't know how to talk to anyone. 

I need Taylor to contact Morgan I think. 

I’m sure she’s confused. Or maybe she doesn't care literally at all.  Who cares. I’ve been surprised at how easily I’ve been sleeping today especially without my phone and with everything on my mind. 

I need a talk therapist like yesterday.

I can’t bring myself to get through any of the books Taylor brought. The 19 book in such trash but it’s easy to read.

 The shower needs to be pressed every 45 seconds to say on. I wore shower shoes.

 Fake Abby doesn’t know what the move is, I can tell.

I called Taylor + my mom then got snack in my night meds. I mom told me to call back to talk to Mack so I just did. She’s lovely. 

Double lasagna somehow talked to snack nurse into giving him a full sandwich. I got a strawberry poptart and a coke. 

They’re checking in a new girl now who looks a bit like she’s closer to my age. 

I’m happy she’s not my roommate. 

I think tomorrow ill try to call family/friends less and trust the process. I need to really take a step back. 

I’m just happy I feel comfortable sitting in the sun room. I knew a lot more about movies than they did 

Goals for tomorrow-

Check out group

Find rec room/sign my name by Mack’s 

Document everything

Keep room clean

They still haven’t cleaned Shauna’s side. Its off putting. 

Have I mentioned they check on me every 15 minutes? 

Its off putting also. 

I wish I had just like some mascara or something. I hate to be that girl but damn. 

My mom keeps trying to talk about the funny aspects of this but I can’t say I’m feeling them yet. Today just really was such a blur. I sept a lot then talked to therapists then I think went back to sleep? Then begged for lunch then I think slept? That’s where its fuzzy. Called my fam too much, I need to not tomorrow. 

I also want to gain control of tv room tomorrow. Power move!! 

Did I mention I called Chelsea? My brain is mush. 

- Be more present tomorrow-

- Ask more questions- 

be warned: new beginnings are rarely pure, and neither are the men who seek them

On Homesickness pg 23

Scott County

We are homesick most for the places we have never {truly} known

37, Franklin County 

Questions to Proteus -> how do I get home? 45, Montgomery County 

Tuesday 

7:10 am 

slept super hard but also had super vivid dreams. Mack and I talked about that last night. 

She said she had never brought it up. I was a little restless, prob just bc they were constantly opening my door and eventually just stopped closing it. 

I’m just trying to let go of control. I don’t want my phone back. I need to talk to someone about the insane anxiety I feel when I think about home back to the real world. 

Even just being in my apartment scares me b/c it feels like its full of negative energy. I need to focus on the good when I get out. 

I keep thinking about my phone bill and I can’t remember if I paid for internet. Also the maintenance light is still on in my car. 

Even though mom and dad are coming today I need to be communicating less w/ outside world. If I really want to be off the grid I need to really b alone with me thoughts and be okay with it. 

I kept feeling for my phone throughout the night. 

I wonder what the nurses think of me. do I seem different than everyone else?

I keep finding myself trying to relate to the nurses, esp. the young male one (hair) but what am I trying to prove? That I’m not like everyone here? 

Newsflash, asshole, I am 

(I’m the asshole)

I need a sharper pencil- do you think a lobotomy joke will be appropriate when I request one orr?

I wonder if Prather has texted me. I’m supposed to sub on the 21st. 

Yikes

Not looking forward to checking my bank account. I really spent a lot w/out giving a shit. It was freeing but I also haven’t worked in over a week + a half soooooo. 

On homesickness is so dramatic but I love it. Makes me think of Taylor. (bc home, not the drama)

Also I think I’m getting fucking sick. Or, according to Lula (Flula) in 19, I’m getting hospital cooties. 

7:27 am 

I’m in TV room w/ singer. I asked what we’re watching and she said “some kind of cartoon”. She’s not screaming which is awesome. I’m going to read Wuthering Heights. 

Almost 8 

Called dad and asked him to bring me a pair of readers since my eyes hurt. Nice nurse #2 is here again. She’s blonde. I haven’t seen Maria again. Met another nurse too. She was young. Also there’s a fake nurse (fake nurses are in teal, like hair, and he real ones are in blue) who I def. know. Cant figure out from where, maybe high school? Either way, not cool with it. Also, they sharpened my pencil. 

TIME TBD

Having a hard time focusing on reading. My eyes hut. 

I don’t like waiting around. 

Is it petty to point out inconsistencies in the rules? There’s different info on different sheets in the packet they gave us. Makes me wonder how closely these patients are reading it. Its all petty though, like whether or not we should take 5 or 10 minutes to use the phone or how many visitors we can have at a time. 

I know myself too well, ill be bringing it up. I’m going to check on breakfast. 

8:30ish

breakfast was sub par. Sat alone. New girl, sat w/ double lasagna. She only wanted milk so homeboy asked if he could eat hers! Has he learned nothing?? I ate pretty quick; I think I need to go back to sleep. I feel weird. 

Time-?

Dr.?? (nice psychiatrist) came in and we talked. Started fine but I got really upset b/c of how much I feel like garbage and I don’t now if I want to be here. But also I don’t want to go back to the real world. She left and I went to go get a visteral 25 mg b/c I’m so upset. They gave it to me and when I got back to my room I 100% had a panic attack. 

I felt like I was a kid again. Maybe its b/c I’m here but I’ve never been sure that what it was until now. They happened a lot as a kid and usually ended in my mom holding me and saying everything’s ok. Its so hard not having that now. I left my room and the med student from Sunday was in the hall and he came and talked to me until I calmed down. 

With talking to them I finally feel like I’ve been able to verbalize how anxious I feel here along with how I feel about leaving. I just need to rest my eyes for right now, but when I’m up I need to write down what Dr. B said about when I get out. 

I miss my parents. 

Time unknown

Honestly can’t remember what happened next. 

Social worker came in, she’s lovely. Talked a bit then I kept resting. 

She gave me some info on how to stay grounded during a panic attack. 

Then I think I went to the rec room to do a puzzle but then religion group started. I stuck around but then little dr came to get me and asked if I would meet with big table of doctors even though I hate it. 

I did it but it made me upset again. They said they would come talk to me but they haven’t. 

I fell asleep again then not Maria nurse came to tell me they’re gonna give me more adavan once my visteral wears off. Fell back asleep then got a drink/ate lunch.

My puzzle got hijacked so I brought a new one into my room. I hit a wall so I stopped to write all this down and go find out what they talked about it my meeting. 

I think its around 1 pm. 

2pm

Sat and watched how I met your mother for a little. Started crying. Asked a nurse when I was gonna get talked to when little doc came up. they gave me an adavan and now I’m waiting for him to come talk to me. the maid is making up Shauna’s old bed while I sit and cry. Very awk. 

I don’t know why I keep crying. I just feel like I’m going to keep having these attacks. I feel so hopeless. 

Still sitting here crying. Still no doctor. 

My name is Abigail and I am safe. I am in the present and I am safe. 

~505

lil doc came to talk to me and I got upset. I don’t understand what my next move is. 

Just slept pretty hard until now then got dinner. Going back to sleep is very tempting. 

I think I’m allowed another pill. What’s the point? 

6:50 pm 

I honestly don’t know what I’ve been doing since after dinner. I’ve been doing the puzzle in the TV room. I’ve been watching the office. I asked nice nurse if I could have another pill but she’s pretty sure she cane until its time for bed. My anxiety is pretty high right now my parents will be here in like an hour. 

7 pm

officially been hoarding pencils. They say I can have an atavan at 10 pm for bed, but they gave me a V. im wondering if that’s going to help me sleep. They’re going to put me on abilify on top of my startera. I’m hoping they’ll give me some of this visteril to take home in case I start to freak. 

Decided that in order to help me not get stressed I want someone to take my phone and ask me one by one about who texted/called/emailed and help me deal with it. Same w/ my bank statement. 

I want to say I feel better, but I don’t know. Its just all a blur. 

I want to see m parents so I can find out what the move is when I get out. Maybe a meeting with Andrea and social working and one of them would be cool. 

I don’t want to get out after Taylor leaves. Fuck.

Double lasagna and biter left. 

* is still here, and fake Abby is MIA. 

New girl who I don’t know 

New guy Brandon- wears vans 

And tad who Mack warned me about. Apparently he called 911 on the nurses from the phones. 

Bold move. 

Fake Abby and I are friends. I think she’s lonely, I know she wants to be my roommate, but I can’t deal with that. 

Now I just kill time until mom gets here. 

930 ish?

Mom and dad came and I feel a bit better. Mom and I did our crossword puzzle and dad and I figured out grad school. I also had him assure me I don’t need to worry about $ right now. 

I asked for a pen but they said no. but I STOLE ONE FROM MY DAD!! 

Honestly its low on ink but just having it feels great. 

Just called my mom and said goodnight to Mack. I feel ok. Mostly just shook b/c of how much of a dream this all feels like. But I’m ok. Time to crossword and eat my poptart like the star patient I am. And I’m gonna do it in god damn pen! 

Goals for tomorrow- 

- track when all meds taken

- get better at checking time 

8am

slept like shit. But I think I might go home today?! I’m sick so my head fucking hurts. I dontknow what to think. I just want to sleep in my own bed. 

11am 

talked to dr. B + some of the team and I think I’ll just stay another night. It was hard for me to think of what I wanted to b/c I just woke up. but she made a good point that if I’m sick and drowsy it could be good to stay since they’ll change the time I get the abilify. I don’t know. Just very tired. 

1109

Watching fresh prince. Thought there was gonna be group in here, but so far nothing. Fuck this. 

Fake Abby told shirt he looks like Carlton and no shit he kind of does. He deadass did the dance while he was walking out. He thinks side burns were cool. Now singer is singing Elvis songs. 

Newer girl is even scarier she’s very touchy. Seems like she doesn’t listen. 

singer is standing directly in front of the tv. She threatened to fire the nurse that told her to stop. 

Shirt is leaving today. 

New girl just came in and snatched the stuff out of singer’s hands and then tried to talk to everyone. Now singer is out for blood. New girl is wild. 

1140

going to lay in bed until lunch. 

~12

slept a little until lunch. Hamburger and a coke. 

I’m def staying another night. Thinking of some ideas for pickup since I need someone to go back to my apt w/ me. 

I think that’s the move. And then if its horrible I can try to stay somewhere else. I’m thinking of asking my sisters. Idk. Might call some of them now. 

I’m really just waiting to get something for my cough. 

215

just slept super hard

even denied taking my cough meds so I could sleep more

I finally got into the rec room and unsurprisingly it was a disappointment. 

Couldn’t find macks mark so I left. 

Gonna go try to get more crossword 

255

just called Chelsea, she said she would try to come over after work/talk to liv about doing the same. I just want to take a real shower. 

Crazy Tad just said hi to me. 

New girl (maid) is asleep sitting up, we’re watching that 70’s show. 

My shirt smells like Keenan. 

Also its almost snack! 

Hmmmmm 4? 

took a shower after smashing a poptart. The sheets they gave me to use as a bathmat smells like actual piss and shit- maybe I shouldn’t have wrapped myself in it. 

A little before 5

Slept again. Got woken up for dinner. It was ok. God I’m so fucking tired. 

I’m glad I’m writing everything down b/c its all such a blur. 

Cant remember if I already wrong down that I talked to chels. I want help meal prepping and doing some laundry. Also someone to sleep over. I want my own bed, but I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want my phone. I don’t know what good anyone can do me right now until my meds get figured out. I don’t know!! 

I met my new nurse, DD, who said I’m taking my abilify in an hour. Then I want my sleeping pills so I can konk out, ugh. 

Time to lay down. Again. 

I think I fell asleep again?

Went to get my abilify around 615. Panic attack happened again. 

I can’t stop crying and I don’t want to be here anymore w/out talking to someone about all my regrets. 

I think more than anything I’m really disappointed with how this whole thing is going down. 

Just want to stop crying. 

830 pm

calmed down. Kind of okay w/ leaving but also so anxious. 

844

Singer has 12 different personalities. 

About to go ask for my meds/follow up on what’s up w/ the nurse’s research 

9ish 

Ate a poptart. Nurse was doing meds so she hasn’t looked into anything. Took 2 hydroxizines (50 mg) + a 3 mg melatonin. Called dad, still not a grad student. Very frustrating. Everything sucks but its ok bc I am Abigail Nash and I am safe in the present. I am not in the past. The present. And there are people that love me. 

Thursday 

- if… because then 

- one day at a time 

9 am?

Had breakfast, found out I’m going home today. 

Called mom + dad, and mom is gonna pick me up around 5 

2 more free meals! 

Getting a therapist is going to take a minute but I feel ok about it 

Nurse Nadine is so sweet. 

These people are getting the wildest thank you cards later. 

930

I’m going to get a watch 

I don’t like not always knowing the time 

That fucking short haired nurse came in again and gave me shit for being in my room

 Don’t know her name 

But I don’t want to 

I’m getting out here short haired lady! And I’m pulling out to win! 

I’m getting sleepy, fuck 

I have like 8 hours to kill 

Soooo

Suddenly now that I know I’m getting out I feel like some kind of bubble has been burst and I feel semi normal 

Am I really the Angelina Jolie of this place? Not actually Angelina, but her character from Girl Interrupted? 

She’s hot in that too, though.

Final thoughts for now- RIP Brittany Murphy. 

925

group- only going because nurse Nadine is leading it. 

Tad gave a very sweet little speech about his dad

Grabby girl wouldn’t share, she it nuts

But now miss congeniality is on!!

1055

cute rec therapist let me into the rec room. I wrote 

SCABZ

In big letters on the table, and made a picture frame. Also played ping pong with grabby. I’m not even going to go into how that went. 

Update: grabby thinks I’m her mom 

My best gift:

The gift of travel. Travel in the sense of moving, traveling to see a friend, or a friend traveling to see me. travel has allowed me to maintain friendships w/ people I usually wouldn’t. Another gift coming from travel is my best friend, Taylor who traveled to another state for school, where I met her. And the gift of going to visit my best friend in France a few years ago who I’ve known since I was 9. 

~~~~ when the party is at it’s best, it’s time to leave the party ~~~~ 

- Tad’s ex-father-in-law

almost noon 

Tad (ok turns out its not the Tad Mack was talking about) said some really good stuff in group and when he was talking about finding balance I said, “like the yin for your yang?” and he did not know what I was really talking about but it fit into the convo really well. So I started to draw him one and when it was over I gave it to him and he was really touched. I feel really good about it. It sucks I’m just now getting to go to group but I think my meds might be working b/c I haven’t gone back to sleep yet. 

Also, they said I could keep 19! 

I need to get some books together to donate. And some puzzles. 

After lunch 

Pulled pork. Singer change the channel on TV to cartoons. I see a nap in my future. Also brushing my teeth. 

There’s a new kid, he’s gotta be newly 18 b/c he looks young. 

Tried playing monopoly w/ Tad, maid, and new guy, but it devolved. 

Thought he was cute but he might be nuts (shocker)

I said he was welcome to my books and he looks a mans search for meaning and I’m about to leave so I don’t think im getting it back. 

Amanda wrote a nice note in it. That sucks. I gotta stop being so nice. 

I asked them to give me a visterile and they did. I should be ready to rock when mom gets here. 

430

did more painting- made a weird sign for door knobs. No sign of homeboy + my book. I kind of don’t want to leave, but I refuse to let myself have fomo in a place like this. Idk what the move is for my book. He better be reading it. I don’t want to leave before dinner so he can at least have a chance to say something to me about it. 

Tad is really fun to hang out w/. he is really nice. We talked about grounding during panic attacks and he invited me to play monopoly and we talked about how it sucks that we all just started talking to each other but that’s also prob just a sign that the meds are working. 

I saw he put my yin yang in the front of his journal. Very sweet. 

This isn’t to say he isn’t totally nuts. Also, young guy said my voice reminded me of “stuff” what the fuck. 

Grabber called me mom and tried to give me her hand. 

[brookebreazeale]

We’ve arrived- the end of one crazy adventure and on to the next.

I had intended to write more about my experience living in the Congo, but the whole process became next to impossible. On the rare occasion that we had internet, it was usually only for a few hours, and it was excruciatingly slow.

Even if I wrote ahead of time and waited for the internet, I was constantly in a mild state of panic, knowing the electricity would shut off any second. Outlets were also in short supply. It was truly an adrenaline rush when the electricity came back on- all of us scrambling to find at least one outlet to recharge our only means of connecting to rest of the world.

All to say, writing and posting a blog was sometimes a weeks-long endeavor.

When I finally got back to the states, I had no desire to revisit the Congo. Yes, the experience as a whole was life-changing, but so many aspects of my day-to-day were beyond challenging…emotionally more than anything.

But those chimps- those crazy, extraordinary, and sometimes terrifying chimps- forever touched my soul. I fell in love with all 54 of them, each with his or her distinct, funny personality and sometimes annoying quirks.

Goma, for example, an ornery, cantankerous guy who loved to mess with anyone who dared enter the sanctuary. No matter how deep into the forest he was, the minute you walked through the gate, he would suddenly be sitting in the same spot, perfectly positioned to dowse you with spit.

Goma and his cheeky smirk

It didn’t matter if I sprinted by him, he would always hit his target, meeting my gaze with a look of triumph, then disappearing back into the trees.

But even Goma nestled his way into my heart, gripping it tightly with those long, dexterous fingers and filling it up with awe and reverence.

They were ornery, intelligent, loving beings who taught me the extent to which animals feel emotions, both good and bad…exactly like we do. I saw this firsthand with our newest addition, Manoya, who was rescued the day before I got there.

She arrived emaciated, dehydrated and completely traumatized, then immediately had to be quarantined for 30 days. This meant she had to spend 24 hours a day with a caretaker in a large enclosure that was isolated from all the other animals.

The only details we know about her rescue is that the authorities found her going through customs, stuffed in a tiny crate. She was then handed over to the military who brought her to us by helicopter.

Namoya right after she arrived

Every time I would check on her from a distance, the look on her face was beyond traumatized…it was sheer heartbreak.

Each of our chimps had a similar story (see Casualties of the Trade), all tortured in some way or another, stuffed in some inhumane contraption, most likely after seeing their entire families murdered.

But despite all of this, or probably because of it, they welcome each new orphan into their chaotic, not-so-functional family…just as they had me. Although be clear, this integration process isn’t without its challenges: clashing personalities, jealousy, power struggles…like any family, I suppose.

Namoya’s new family

  —

I had survived. Six very long months later, I was walking up to the sanctuary for the last time…to say goodbye to my furry favorite.

I’ve already shared the chimp crush I had on Kongo (here), so I tried to go see him as much as I could (when I wasn’t working or hiding out trying to avoid running into ‘C’).

Kongo and I quickly established our routine, accompanying each other around the perimeter of the forest enclosure, getting to know each others’ expressions and body language. I learned what his favorite foods were, what type of leaves he preferred and where his favorite tree was. I gradually discovered who his favorite chimp buddies were and the ones who avoided him at all costs (Goma being one of them). I got to know his different moods- when he was grumpy, playful, ornery, or bored.

I shared my snacks with him, vented about my challenges with ‘C’ (SOS from the Jungles of Congo explains a bit), counted down the months, weeks, and days until Eric came to visit, and then the months, weeks, days until I got to go home.

That day finally arrived, and I knew it would be the last time I’d see him.

That day was bizarre…as if Kongo knew I was leaving. Every day before, he would greet me at the gate and escort me down our usual path.  I waited a few minutes, looking for him up in the trees. I did my best version of a chimp call (which is pathetic, I might add). But nothing.

I started back toward the entrance, and there he was, peering out from behind the trees. I sat down and waited for him to come out. He just sat there, staring at me and then disappeared back into the forest.

Now I was pissed. This was seriously how he was going to end it? I waited a few more minutes, then stormed out, slamming the gate behind me.

Realizing I had just thrown a temper tantrum because a chimp wouldn’t come ‘say goodbye’ to me, I pulled myself together and went back in.

There he was, sitting in the same spot where we always met. He didn’t even look at me before he started down the path, finally stopping to make sure I was following, but never letting me catch up.

When we turned the corner of our last stretch, he finally sat down but kept his back to me. I couldn’t help but laugh. He was clearly not going to make this easy. 

I rummaged through my bag and pulled out a handful of groundnuts, sliding them under the fence. He pretended not to see and waited until I sat back down to casually reach over and grab them. Next was sliced mango, his second favorite treat. He ate them but still acted like he wasn’t interested. I waited a few minutes before I pulled out his favorite, knowing that would do the trick.

He finally turned around to face me, looking at me intensely, then down at my bag, then turned sideways to avoid eye contact.

I launched into my goodbye speech, lying, saying I would be back, and reminding him there would be another ‘save the world’ type who would take my place.

I slid a larger than normal portion of figs under the fence. He launched forward, grabbed as many as he could, and disappeared into the trees.

And that was it.

I made my back down the path home, stopping one last time to see if I could spot him in the trees. And there was Goma, staring down with his head cocked back, that same cheeky look on his face.

Just behind him and further up, I saw the leaves start to rustle. A flash of black plunged down, caught a limb and then soared across to catch another and then another. Within a matter of seconds, the forest turned into complete chaos- chimps flying tree to tree, leaves shaking violently as the limbs tried to rebound from the weight of one chimp after the other slamming down on them.

Goma finally plunged in, instigating more deafening screams that made even the staff members stop and look up.

I watched until the madness died down and the leaves became still. Several climbed to the top and perched on the branches, some grouped together, some alone, most of them looking down.

I’d seen these crazy displays before, but this one was sheer mayhem. I, of course, convinced myself that this one was for me…a dramatic farewell…

And I have a good idea who was behind it.

—

*The number of chimps has grown from 54 to 72 since I was there in 2013.

* Between 5-10 chimpanzees are slaughtered in the process of trying to capture one baby chimp.

*Goma and I eventually made a truce, and I was allowed safe passage, if and only if he was presented with a handful of peanuts upon my entry.

Below is the link to the documentary that inspired me to go to the Congo:

‘Project Nim’: A Chimp’s Very Human, Very Sad Life

Please help support the efforts of the sanctuary to protect these guys by donating here.

Peanuts, Figs & Mayhem- Saying Goodbye to my Favorite Friends in the Congo We've arrived- the end of one crazy adventure and on to the next. I had intended to write more about my experience living in the Congo, but the whole process became next to impossible.

[tomoyanosekai]

復活~Moldbreaker~ (Fukkatsu: Revival)

“Everything happens for a reason.”

As I look back through my bookshelf, there’s a lot of souvenirs that I’ve collected throughout my life. However, the one thing that I’ve been overlooking until it recently caught my eye was a small, stuffed animal octopus that I bought when I was in Japan. “Japan.” Two years ago on this exact day of this writing, I made the official announcement that I would be going to Aomori, Japan for two months. The more I think about it, It’s hard to believe that Japan happened two years ago. A lot of things happened in between then and now. Instead of looking back at two years ago, I would like to focus on the last two months. To give a quick summary: February was when nothing happened, and March was a month dedicated to learning more about myself through what I unabashedly enjoy despite feeling lonely. In short: the last two months were especially hard. However, if February and March were months where I felt defeated, I can say that April was a reminder of why I keep reaching out and how strong I really am, even if life gets filled with setbacks and becomes harder to live through day by day.

To start at the beginning of April and also pick up from the end of last month’s post, I wrote that I had entered a photography contest dedicated to Kamen Rider figure photography. Although last month was mostly spent alone, I spent a lot of my time everyday by taking pictures of every main character from the past 50 years of Kamen Rider to celebrate the franchise’s 50th anniversary. Coincidentally, there was also a photography contest being announced as part of the festivities. Even though I entered and put in my best and most ambitious shots, I didn’t win or even place within the contest. But despite that, it didn’t bother me that I didn’t win, and if anything, I was proud to show my talent and creativity to the world. Among the three days of coverage, my work was shown off two out of the three days and got very good remarks from the judges along with the larger figure photography community. Nonetheless, even though I was busy learning more about myself, there’s something that can’t be ignored despite that: I felt lonely and burnt out.  

“Trying to reach out to friends has already been difficult since many of them haven’t been available for a multitude of reasons. At some point, I stopped reaching out to friends, and friends mostly stopped communicating with me or never really reached out at all to begin with.”

- “Where do I even begin here?” (February 28, 2021)

Simply put: I felt alone. Although I initially wrote this back in February, this was ultimately how I felt throughout all of February, most of March, and even now. There was no life for me to live outside of going to work or being at home; I had no choice but to stay where I was and live in monotony. When I did try to reach out to friends at times, everyone I tried to reach out to was usually busy and I had to figure out how to deal with these feelings that yearned for a community. On top of that, the thing I eventually began to notice was that no one was really reaching out since I figured they either forgot about me or they were expecting me to reach out to them; two horrible mindsets that didn’t help at all and only contributed to me feeling even more burnt out and pessimistic. However, even as I felt defeated and pessimistic, something deep inside kept pushing me to constantly reach out again and again despite feeling burnt out. 

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.”

- Tim Keller, The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God

As I look at this stuffed animal octopus on my table as I write this post, it reminds me of why I chose to buy myself this octopus as a souvenir two years ago. This stuffed octopus came from a set of souvenirs that I bought for a group of my close friends coming off the aftermath of some hard times. As I returned from my trip overseas two months later, I had to return and see a very close knit friend group split before my eyes and had to figure out what it meant for me going forward after coming back from Japan and thinking that things would be restored by the time I returned. I bought a stuffed animal for each one of my friends in that group since each stuffed animal reminded me of them in some capacity while I was gone. Although I can’t remember the animals or the reasons why I bought the stuffed animals, I can still clearly remember why I chose to give myself the octopus. For me, the octopus with its many tentacles represented the many hands I would use to reach out to everyone and stay connected despite everyone being so scattered. Even now, I’m still using these hands of mine to reach out to other people despite feeling defeated and tired. 

"Stand tall and be proud. No matter how weak or unworthy you feel, set your heart ablaze, grit your teeth and move forward. If you just curl up in a ball and hide, time will pass you by. It won't stop for you while you wallow in your grief."

- Kyojuro Rengoku, Kimetsu no Yaiba -Demon Slayer- The Movie: Mugen Train

Despite feeling so defeated and alone, I continued to reach out, and I think God allows everything to happen for a reason at the right time. As I reunited with many friends in person and through video chat this past month, the one thing they all said was that they were grateful that I was so persistent in reaching out and wanting to meet up. The most encouraging thing for me this past month was when a group of friends that I hadn’t seen in two years was finally reunited, and that was all thanks to God for giving me the persistence and patience to plan something so that we could all meet up again. Likewise, even though I was reunited with my close friends, God still found a way for me to use these connections from two years ago. Very recently, one of my friends from my home church connected me with their friend who is also be going out to Japan to do missions in June; specifically at Hirosaki Nozomi Christ Church in Hirosaki, Aomori, Japan just as I went two years ago. Unlike me who had no idea what I would be getting myself into, I was able to share about my experiences in Japan and help better prepare them for what they were heading into. As I reflect on these connections with people in my life, I see and realize even more now that God has given me a heart that continually loves other people.

Much in that same aspect or continually reaching out to my friends, I finally took the chance to do something that I had always wanted to do for a while: reach out to my extended family; specifically one of my younger cousins. Something I noticed within my family is that although we don’t really have problems or personal squabbles in my family, but in that same regard, we aren’t really “close” where we try to get to know each other on a deeper level. I think within my whole family, I believe there is more of an emphasis on accomplishments since we’re all known by our accomplishments, and not for “who we are.” To give a rundown, this list is obviously NOT how I define myself or define my cousins at all in any general setting, but I believe this is about a 90% accurate reading of how each of my cousins see each other in regards to a family gathering setting (and conveniently grouped by family.)

Cousin 1 : The smartest cousin who majored in Engineering and is continually aiming for the stars (and can almost literally do anything); the family genius.

Cousin 2: The sassy, sarcastic and super athletic cousin with a dry sense of humor who works for Google

Cousin 3 (My brother): The cousin who’s the butt of all jokes at family gatherings and is deeply involved in the Japanese American Community

Cousin 4 (Me): The geeky cousin who went to Bible College but worked part time at a Ramen restaurant and now works customer service (the one who’s always asked to pray during family gatherings.)

Cousin 5: The gifted cousin who’s attractive and athletic and went to college on a full ride academic  scholarship

Cousin 6: The cousin who’s about to head to college but is still trying to find his place

Cousin 10: The youngest cousin/baby of the family with so much untapped potential

Cousin 7: The super smart/literary and quiet cousin who’s aiming to be a doctor

Cousins 8 and 9: The hilarious twins; one athletic and extroverted twin and the other twin who’s introverted and very book smart 

Although I’m not super close to most of my cousins, the only ones I can feel closer with are cousins 7-9, especially since we attended the same church, I had the chance to share a bit about my life beyond my accomplishments, and also had the chance to cook with them in the past. For those reasons alone, I feel like that of an older brother to them. This time however, the cousin I wanted to reach out to and eventually hung out with was my sixth cousin; the cousin who’s still trying to find his place and also doesn’t get along well with his father. As I met up with him, I shared a bit about my life and showed him how I live it. Through this meeting alone, I think I was able to give him some sense of relief and I really enjoyed getting to know him on a deeper level. Taking a step back: I’m extremely normal and average in comparison to all of them. But despite being normal, I think I put more of an emphasis on love and relationships rather than pure ambition, drive and accomplishments. Even though I seem more normal than all of my cousins, I want my normal-ness to break the mold and become someone who can bring my whole family closer than something more surface level. 

Just as I am reminded that this octopus on my desk has many arms and can reach out in six different ways, I still continue to reach out to anyone and everyone because God has given me this heart that loves other people. One of the strongest qualities that God has blessed me with is a heart of kindness. As I go forward into another month, I want to do as Jesus did where John writes about Jesus in John 15:12, 

"My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you."

- John 15:12

I want to continue reaching out as far as I can and continually find new ways to break the mold. 

“From here on out, it’s my stage!”