#too real and concerningly relatable

[zhi-liet]

couldn’t join this fandom without offering my own rendition of this iconic cirrus

[aouiaa]

Loser!Ellie Hcs

Imagining Loser! Ellie who makes fart noises with her mouth when you bend down to pick up something, and makes fun of you for “farting.”

“Ewww, that one was nasty!”

A scoff leaves your mouth as you stand up, looking back to send a death stare her way to which makes her walk over to you, giggling.

“It’s okay, everyone farts.” she says with a cheeky grin.

An eye roll from you further causes Ellie to full on laugh and wrap her arms around your waist, pressing kisses to your neck.

She would be so silly with it too. Finding different ways to comment on you “farting.”

“That’s some narly tooting there, babe.”

“Woof, another left the cannon!” she says, pinching her nose while actually fanning the air to shooing away the smell as if it was real.

“A bomb just dropped, take cover!”

Imagining Loser! Ellie who invites you over to her house when you first started dating to review her concerningly large comic book collection.

“How many do you have?!” you exclaim, looking over the many boxes filled with comics.

“I had to do some things to acquire such items that I rather not corrupt your mind with.” she says in a rather poor attempt of sounding suspicious and menacing.

“God, you’re such a loser! you laugh, and watch as Ellie immediately drops the act and turns into a big giant tomato.

A little shy “no” leaves her lips to which makes you smile and lean over to kiss her, “It’s okay, you’re my loser.”

Imagining Loser! Ellie who also has a smaller collection of space related books than the rather getting out-of-hand comic collection.

Imagining Loser! Ellie who has the deadliest grip over the last chicken while sending a death stare your way when you do that one trend on her to see if she’d grab her phone instead.

Imagining Loser! Ellie who’s laughing to the point there’s tears in her eyes when she suggested the both of you paint each other. And when revealed, hers was very detailed and while yours…’was insteresting.’ Ellie’s words…

Imagining Loser! Ellie who makes fun of people who dress “cringe”, but also wears this.

Imagining Loser! Ellie who write love songs for you in her little journal of hers and even plays them on her guitar. You’ve even caught her once.

Upon walking into your home, you hear muffled talking or singing. Presuming it’s Ellie, you walk into the room to see her with gutiar in hand. Immediately when she sees you she stops what she’s doing and look up, her face turning red.

“Oh—shit, you’re home early…” she says, laughing nervously, settling her guitar aside and greeting you with a hug and kiss as usual.

A little laugh leaves your lips as you reciprocate the greeting and ask, “What were you doing?”

She pulls away from the embrace and looks down upon hearing the question. Playing with her pinky and ring finger, she responds, “Oh, ya’ know—just…playing.”

“Just playing? But I heard you singing.”

An audible gulp is heard from the nervous girl as she looks up at you, “I was writing a song.” she finally admits.

A wave of surprise washed over you, “Oh—wow. Can…I hear it?”

“Uhh, maybe later..”

You chuckle and nod, “Alright then, my little musician. You can work on!” you quip.

A nervous smile presents itself on Ellie’s lips, “Shut up.”

Loser! Ellie who does let you listen to the song, but is stuttering and messing up the whole time!—Poor girl, you make her nervous :(—To which earns her a kiss on the cheek and a “You got this, baby. Just relax” To which she actually does! She Some might say it was the kiss that did it.

Imagining Loser! Ellie who has a special spot in her journal filled with doodles of you.

Imagining Loser! Ellie who has multiple unfinished paintings of you that with time will be finished, just has to find time in her super busy schedule—that consists of sleeping and bothering you—to finish them.

Imagining Loser! Ellie who sleeps with stuffed animals.

Imagining Loser! Ellie who HAS to absolutely listen to music when doing anything, literally doesn’t matter it could be showering, dishes, getting ready, etc. There’s music playing.

Imagining Loser! Ellie who’s a big ‘Savage Starlight’ nerd and actually at some point sent in one of her best fanart to the official insta page, but never got a response. :(

But the girl can’t take failure as an option and is still hopeful saying, “They’ll open my message…eventually.” with a sad little huff.

Imagining Loser! Ellie who’s screaming from the bathroom when she actually gets a response back!

You knock frantically on the door to startled by the screaming and when she does finally open the door you’re met with her phone being shoved into your face, “Look, Look, Look!”

A slightly irritated sigh leaves your lips as you look at Ellies phone—which has mysterious residue stains on it—and see the instagram post.

Once reading the caption praising Ellie for her work, you look up from the phone and at her, “I thought you were getting killed, Ellie! God…”

“Aweeee, you care about me?” she says, putting her hands on her chest.

“No, I came to make sure they finished the job.” you reply with a cheeky grin.

“Oh wow…well in that case, gimme my phone and get out!” she frowns.

You roll my eyes playfully and chuckle, giving back her phone, “Make sure to flush.” you say, closing the door.

“That was one time!” you hear a muffled shout.

Imagining Loser! Ellie whose phone is filled with multiple pictures of you. Some of you, sleeping, doing chores around the house, cooking—and some with you seeming to be yelling at her in the photo for not helping, and terrible pictures of you that you beg her to delete, but she protests saying they’re “beautiful” to her.

Imagining Loser! Ellie who steals your chapstick since she always loses her’s within a few days of having it.

“Ellie?” you call out, searching in your nightstand for your chapstick.

“Yeah, babe?” you hear her voice become more clearly as she walks into the bedroom.

“Have you seen my chapstick? My lips are terribly dry…” you huff, unable to find it in your clutter.

“Uhh, no.”

*Imagine her in the background, sneakily swiping your chapstick back and forth on her lips as you annoyedly rummage through your stuff for it.* LMAOOO

Imagining Loser! Ellie who does feel bad and buys you a ten pack of chapstick, stealing one of course for herself.

Imagining Loser! Ellie who buys those princess or even soda chapstick ones.

(Okay i’ll stop talking about chapsticks…😭)

Imagining Loser! Ellie who seems to never drink water, but instead drinks like Arizona, Dr. Pepper, or Canada-dry, etc.

Imagining Loser! Ellie who’s rather disgusting when eating. Having dried up residue on the side of her mouth from dinner which was hours ago only to lick it off.

“Mmm, that burger was good.”

“You’re disgusting.”

Imagining Loser! Ellie who sometimes, but not all the time, thinks about how lucky she is/was to get—or “pull” as she says to her friends—someone like you.

Loser! Ellie who loves you for loving her despite her quirks!

How you can help Palestine, Why you shouldn’t support tlou/ buy the remastered, Educate yourself, #FREEPALESTINE.

a/n; Who wants Dina or Abby hcs? 🤭

Perm taglist: @elliesprettygirl, @dyk3ang3l, @ellies2fingers, @r3starttt, @slut4mascss, @k1ssesworld

Ellie Only fics: @herelieskrisy, @mikellie , @slaysksmska, @mina-281, @teawithnosugar, @kitkatkittycat111

[bookwyrminspiration]

omg i was anon and it IS orv how'd you guess!! anyways its so incredibly quilcoded you NEED to read it like. yesterday. its so good

firstly!! you would actually rlly adore kim dokja he's a complete fucking loser. picking him up kicking him around like a soccer ball do you catch my drift. he HATES himself he likes reading trashy novels he's concerningly relatable. also you could ship him with anyone if you tried hard enough or he could definitely be aroace if you squint. choice is yours the world is your oyster. also he canonically has a very funny kink that the novel likes to bring up over and over again. like i said. loser

(tbh i think youd also really be partial to yoo joonghyuk or one of the side characters but. idk thats up to you to decide. when you fucking read it)

secondly! the worldbuilding quil you would go HAM on the worldbuilding there's soooo much to explore with the star stream and constellations vs incarnations and its just SOOO insane. ugh i dont wanna spoil a lot but theres just so many different THINGS and it makes me a little bit feral

THIRDLY found family. thats it thats the post. they are all so unbearably lonely and they all find each other and they LOVE EACH OTHER and contrary to kim dokja's opinion they love him too and its just so fucking. ugh. all of their dynamics. (the kids especially get to me they are SO funny and stupid. siblingcoded as fuck)

also would it help if i tell you that there is quite literally no romance in this book! which is kind of unheard of for power fantasy novels! (ok there is like one side couple but its slow burn af and they take forever to get together and theyre rlly cute anyway but i digress)

there's mpreg. will not elaborate but it seems like youd fuck with it

furthermore!! idk the overarching themes......... story inside a story the inherent and unconditional love of a reader for said story reader vs writer vs protagonist OHHH love letter to stories themselves. actually. fuck man the feelings

its rlly stupid sometimes. actual crack. then it kicks you in the balls and makes you feel emotions you never knew you had before

but yeah pls read it!! i will convince you even more if necessary. you need to get in on this before 2025 at the very least bc there is an anime coming out and you have to be able to say you were here before that to assert dominance. anyways

(also WHEN you read it bc you will. pls livetweet in my inbox i love reactions its a fucking ride)

Not only was I right that it was orv, but I was also correct that it was you, Roshan. Though I didn't write that down, so you'll just have to trust me

I do have some understanding of the story beyond this because an irl of mine was reccing it a couple weeks ago, but from that it's also my understanding that learning anything about the story prior will not help me going in. it simply defies explanation and I just gotta read it

I must say though, you do know the right things to say. I LOVE stories about stories I LOVE meta I LOVE love letters to stories! I LOVE worldbuilding I LOVE found family. i LOVE wet rag guys, sopping on the floor pathetic loser men. and no romance!!! that's not to say any romance is bad, it's just nice to have a break sometimes

"there's mpreg. will not elaborate but it seems like youd fuck with it" can. can I confess something real quick. i deadass almost included mpreg in the "keys to get quil to read something." but then I was like no i shant, even though it's true. and then you said it yourself anyway! because it seems like i'd fuck with it! well i DO and I WILL. mpreg is like an automatic read for me. don't worry about that

OKAY okay i will read. where. where do I read it. i've heard of both a manga and a webcomic...maybe..? which should I go with and where should I find it. I am at your command 🫡

(i will probably liveblog instead of directly in ur inbox but maybe i'll do both)

[ossifer]

Hi friendly Bones, I am asking you this in lieu of asking the entire bone homestuck teen fandom this. I understand that the population of the empire (houses? Dominicus? the Sol system?) is real low. Like, I think iirc correctly scraggly bone nun grew up with literally two other people remotely her age on her entire planet and the rest are all literally dead. Admittedly prolly an extreme example but it doesn't seem like a huge population base, or the sort of base where there's gonna be able to be highly specialized industry or incentives for much trade. Let me know I'm wrong with any of that. My question is, as a world-builder, is it ever explained why in this terminal future necroempire there's the the industrial base to not only produce cheap titty mags, but also the demand for them, and the ability to ship(?) them to Pluto? Yours, friendly Teeth

hello Teeth! sorry i need a minute to recover from 'bone homestuck teen fandom'

anyway! the nine houses system's population is shown to be concerningly low, but the ninth house (located on pluto, the scraggly bone nun's house of origin) is an extreme case due to their youngest generation—200 children, ranging in age from infants to teenagers—dying of illness [citation needed] (barring the bone nun, born after the mass deaths, and gideon, who survived)

the industrial base is ostensibly off-world, located in one of the other nine houses, as the titty mags are propaganda for the militant arm of the empire that also reinforce the cultural dominance of the necromancer-cavalier (sword-armed bodyguard and assistant) dichotomy. that being said, it's shown that the other houses are also struggling with their population, with one literally conducting genetic testing to prevent inbreeding because of how closely related the population is

all that being said it's never actually answered who is ordering titty mags to pluto, because gideon (holder of the titty mags) is an indentured servant of the ninth and therefore lacks the authority to order them, and everyone else is far too catholic. there's also no answer as to why the ninth house's adult population didn't simply have more kids, beyond an implication that their aging populace combined with necromancy impacting both fertility and childbirth means that they're somehow unable to reproduce now? that part is a gaping plot hole

tl;dr the titty mags are from another planet

kind regards, friendly Bones

[snaggletoothedbastard]

in defence of autistic characters

Because apparently people are mad about this.

I've heard the phrase "you're making every single character autistic!" and similar phrases way too many times. Mostly from allistic people who don't understand how headcanons work, and are also scared shitless by the very idea that they might have something in common with an autistic person.

Oh gosh, the horror!

"You're making every single character autistic," said in a negative way, is basically a translation of: "That character can't possibly be autistic because I'm not autistic and I like them!"

Neurotypicals often seem to be under the impression that neurodivergent people are some kind of alien species, and that these two groups have nothing whatsoever in common with each other and therefore can't even have the same feelings towards one single fictional character. They've given us our "representation", the Sheldon Coopers and the Rain Mans, and essentially said, "Here you go, enjoy your seven (7) canonically autistic characters, and leave every other character in the world to us." And then have the gall to act surprised when we're not particularly happy with what we've been given. Sure, Sheldon Cooper and Rain Man may technically count as representation, but that doesn't mean they're good, and it doesn't mean that they're enough. We need more than that.

You can make the exact same argument about queer characters or characters of colour. Marginalised groups are often given the bare minimum of representation and told that they should be grateful for it, as if everyone else in the world is bending over backwards to cater to them.

Surprise! That's not what's happening.

Instead we are supplied with the most boring, clichéd, unlikeable, stereotypical characters with very little personality, who are treated with very little respect by the people who literally created them. Why should we be grateful for that? It shouldn't be surprising, really, that we find ourselves feeling better represented by and more connected to characters who may not be specifically written as autistic but who we can relate to anyway, and have been written with respect, nuance and creativity. Real autistic people aren't as one-dimensional as we are in fiction. We've got personalities, interests, relationships and emotional journeys that are just as complex as yours, and we'd like this complexity to be reflected in the characters that are supposed to be for us. So when we don't get that, we end up being drawn to characters that were made for a more general audience.

One argument that I see frequently used to protest against autistic fans' relationship with these characters is: "it'll make people think they're autistic!"

Wow. People use stories as a means of self-discovery and a way to connect with others. Shocking. Truly shocking.

I have numerous problems with this argument. Firstly, it's concerningly close to being anti self-diagnosis. I hate to go off on a rant but the situation calls for it. Self-diagnosis isn't a bad thing. Often what people mean when they say "self-diagnosis" is "faking". These things are very different, and saying that someone is faking is always a risk because unless you know them personally and are aware of their entire medical history, you cannot be certain about something like this. And accusing every other person of faking a disability just because they don't fit your idea of what that disability should look like is not only extremely presumptuous, but perpetuates stereotypes and misconceptions that can be potentially dangerous.

And issues around self-diagnosis are multitude. Sure, it's not exactly ideal that it exists, but it's reality. People can't always access an official diagnosis; the assessment process is often long and exhausting; an official diagnosis can stop people from immigrating to certain countries and can threaten their ability to get jobs and have children; doctors aren't always correct in their diagnoses anyway, especially if the person they're diagnosing is AFAB and/or a person of colour. And even if someone doesn't give themself exactly the correct label, personally I think it's better to be slightly off the mark and still know how to describe your experiences and what accommodations and support you need, than to have no idea what's going on in your head and not know how to cope with your struggles.

Also, self-diagnosis is much, much more than just seeing a person with the same traits as you and thinking, "they're autistic so I must be too". It involves loads and loads of research. Hell, even the build-up to an official diagnosis involves loads of research, especially if you can't access private healthcare and have to lurk at the bottom of a waiting list for months before you get to talk to a doctor. I did at least two years of research, and I have been both self-diagnosed and professionally diagnosed. The official diagnosis was basically just telling me things I already knew about myself.

It's unlikely that so many people are deciding they're autistic just because they relate to a fictional character that it's a world-wide epidemic that needs to be stopped. Finding people we can identify with is important and helps a lot with self-acceptance. And it's a completely natural thing for people who are discovering their own autistic traits to start noticing them in other people too. So why are we surprised when we see that actually happening? And why are we acting like it's some kind of terrible thing? Do I need to remind you about Abed Nadir? The character who so many autistic people loved and connected with that Dan Harmon realised he was autistic because he based the character on himself? Give me one example where a scenario like this has ended badly. Just one.

In conclusion: you're allowed to have things in common with autistic people. And autistic people are allowed to connect with fictional characters. We're not hurting anyone. It's not the end of the world. Keep your hair on. If you're so offended that we see ourselves in not-explicitly-autistic characters instead of the one-dimensional caricatures we've been told are "for us", give us better representation. But it's not like you have a claim over every character that isn't explicitly autistic. It's not a "this is mine so you can't have it" situation. If you're thinking like that, you belong in a preschool with the rest of the toddlers who haven't learnt how to share things.

[interroughbang]

Unsurprisingly, Movies Start Gender Conversations Also

Like many people, I went to see the Barbie movie in theaters. Solid movie, with a nice message I thought to be clear-cut and uncontroversial.

Boy howdy. Was I wrong.

(Spoilers for the movie beyond here, by the way)

Aside from (justifiably) raving over the production value of the film, the acting, music, et cetera, watchers were also at each other’s throats after the movie concerning what it was about, and, more concerningly, who it was ‘for’. Some men (and women, sexism is a joint effort sometimes) in comments sections of Barbie-related posts complained of ‘anti-man’ sentiments in Barbie. They often get this from the plot: it revolves around Barbie and Ken going to the real world out of Barbieland, Ken seeing the patriarchy, admiring it, and copying it, transforming Barbieland from a strictly matriarchal model to that of a patriarchy—until Barbie puts it back the way it was before, right before she leaves to go live in the real world.

The Barbie matriarchy is a direct and more hyperbolic opposite to the patriarchy we currently live in. Women hold all the jobs, get all the awards, and men are hollow accessories who are only important as attachments to women. Kens do not have careers, dreams; Kens are Simply There. Some watchers were offended by this, despite it being satirical—neither a matriarchal or patriarchal Barbieland is ideal. The movie basically smacks you with the repeated notion that no one should be put down for their gender or have their worth judged for a stereotyped role they are forced into. Barbie’s trip into the real world overloads her with real-life oppression against women, and she recoils in horror and some jokes come of the absurdity of the patriarchal complications of living womanhood. Women familiar with it laugh, and some men aware of this reality get a laugh out of it too.

It was a jokey, palatably political movie about something most everyone knows about (if they don’t directly deny it). But the plot’s focus on barbie fostered a belief in some listeners that it wasn’t ‘for’ men to watch. Aside from the experiences of men also being a feature of the movie, as it’s reinforced that the reduction of identity Kens face (under the Barbieland matriarchy and satirized in the Ken patriarchy) is also a problem, the day-to-day experiences of men or other non-women like nonbinary folks are not as much of a focus.

Does that mean the movie is not ‘for’ them? Many thought so:

What’s an audience in terms of media? Are messages for people, or to people?

I think they are both; a mix. Maybe not always in equal parts, but a mix nonetheless. However, a lot of the ‘who it’s for’ part of the conversation has molded into another set of gender stereotypes it seems.

Take the case of ‘film bros’. This was at first a designation of dudes who, at the rise of the DVD, took to buying them and listening to all the commentary tracks and subsequently talked down to folks who didn’t know every single minute detail of production. It has since evolved into a category assigned to men who watch movies that some deem pretentious for their content. No longer does it always mean a man who talks down to someone about their interest (though that still definitely happens), it can mean something like this:

“Film bro” thus becomes merged with a category of movie.

Remember “chick flicks”? Seem familiar? It’s the same, sort of opposite. It also bears the unfortunate symmetry of assuming that male interests are inherently intellectual (even if it’s mocking them, that’s the association) and that women wouldn’t want to watch that sort of thing because thinking about movies is stupid.

Nobody wins here. Movies are not ‘for’ anyone in particular in the sense that only certain kinds of people want to watch them. Some may have common interests depending on personal taste. That’s completely normal. Sometimes it may follow lines of gender slightly—women might like a certain movie more than men in some cases, or vice versa, and that difference does not have to bear strange gender stereotypes as long as we do not assign that to them ourselves.

Multiple factors influence the enjoyment of media. Personality, taste in art, sheer random appeal of various elements—gender is a factor in how some trends may go because of how people raise their children differently, and how we treat men and women differently in society at large. It does not determine whether someone will watch Barbie and like it, or whether they like foreign movies that are esoteric and strange. Anyone can enjoy anything. It’s important to not let labels and stereotypes define who we let ourselves be and what we allow ourselves to enjoy—I’m sure a young girl out there somewhere would really love the Serbian government pigeon movie. Pigeons are cool.

[apurikottotii]

yin-yang Relationship by wadatakeaki kurage-p

This shit slaps so hard.

Listen, I heard this song and thought "another common Kurage-p banger" and then I read the lyrics man. Holy shit it elevates it to another level (also... the lyrics on the official mv vs. the wiki are concerningly different).

Some special things I hear include an interesting song form (whether I love it or not is to be debated... it's definitely an interesting choice). There are weird verse interjections, the pre-chorus..? gets really loud really easily (which makes it sound like the chorus?? but we get the chorus again right after it with no break??).

Basically, I think the story about this girl, who describes herself as a loser who finds life to be like a masquerade, only pretending to truly live, not even knowing how to make conversation, who falls in love with someone she describes like the sun. So bright and warm, that someone like her would definitely "melt" if she got too close. She really wants to love/confess her feelings, but she believes that she has no ability to love/be loved (translation issues), and constantly compares her and the person as yin and yang, which she says "cannot be mixed". Therefore, they are in a "yin-yang relationship". Because of the circumstances of her life, she believes there's no hope for her love, at least not until in the next life where she's born again as hopefully someone "better".

Personal favorite lyrics include:

Final chorus: "You are the sun/That I wish to touch/Even though you’re so warm, so intense, that I’ll melt/One day I’ll convey/My huge love for you/[But] I’ll leave that for the next life!"

Chorus: "Ah, ah-ah, ah-ah/Yin and yang will never mix/Ah, ah-ah, ah-ah/It’s because you and me, we have a yin-yang relationship!"

Damn. I already love the dynamic of opposites, but this hopelessness and resignation this girl feelings is kind of delicious. That feeling when she says that "yin and yang will never mix" and then right after "you and me, we have a yin-yang relationship!" is so sad. This song sort of reminds me of Failure Girl by Kairiki Bear, with the sort of "given up" feeling, with only the hope that the next life will be better.

I really love Kurage-p not just for the catchiness of his songs and beautiful mvs, but really particularly for the stories he tells of "youth". I don't really know how, but he seems to be able to capture all sorts of feelings, some relatable, some not, as interesting metaphors. All the characters in his songs feel very alive and real, all striving for something.

[aluria-sevhex]

REVISITING THESE NOW THAT I'VE BEATEN THE GAME

featuring: i know everybody's pronouns now! although... everybody's pronouns are just further down on the Steam page... i may be stupid

obviously, spoilers below the read more

Siffrin: ---YEAH MY MENTALLY ILL ASEXUAL NON-BINARY FAVE

blorbo

little floofy wizard guy

---wizards aren't real :P

could commit war crimes and i would probably still love them

traumatized

idk wtf he did but they fucked up somehow. you do not end up in a time loop unless things have gone wrong.

---yeah a lot went wrong. also he LOVES HIS FAMILY SO MUCH IT NEARLY DESTROYED THE UNIVERSE TwT

needs a hug

depressed? depressed

crushed by existential dread

ok based on some of these moments in the trailers they did something horribly unspeakable

---eh yeah i guess. i mean. that Sadness got fucked up lmao. and. Act 5. but the moment in the trailer i was thinking of was in response to Sif being too good at fucking up Sadnesses

Basil energy AND THAT MAKES ME WORRIED FOR HIM "everything's fine :')" NO IT FUCKING ISN'T

---it was, in fact, not fucking fine

---congratulations to Siffrin In Stars and Time to being a concerningly relatable protagonist

Isabeau:

gay for Siffrin

---IT TOOK HIM THE ENTIRE GAME DJHSGEHFHDNS

seems chill

likes Bonnie's cooking AS THEY *he SHOULD

Mirabelle: ---YEAHHHH MY AROACE QUEEN

really sweet! will fuck you up

yeah sorry i don't have much

<redacted spitballing to fill up space but uh. there *was* a reason for a kid to be on the adventure. and :(>

Bonnie:

cooking gremlin

has sister issues or obtains them during the course of the story

---:( Nille...

would not want to be around in the kitchen because they're a terrifying force of nature i don't trust myself to not fuck up the food XD

Odile:

suffered for a phd

actually knows what they're *she's doing

also gay

---i mean. nothing contradicts it? but no actual evidence. however the exchange about multiple names and the one about the legality of Body Craft in Ka Bue are evidence for her possibly being trans

-----COMMENT ON THE COMMENT: I LOOKED IT UP AND INSERTDISC HAS CONFIRMED THAT IN CANON SHE IS SIMPLY 'queer' AND IS TOO OLD TO CARE ABOUT LABELS. HONESTLY MOOD TBH

babysitting everybody

---well her reason for joining the group was that leaving the task of saving the country to a bunch of young'ins would give her an ulcer so i guess?

---Odile's friendquest managed to somehow hit me in the relatability feels even tho my last connection to <redacted part of ancestry> is several generations ago. <redacted elaboration>

star head guy *Loop:

bitch

are they the reason Siffrin's in a loop?

---WELL. UH. WELL NO. BUT ACTUALLY TECHNICALLY YES KINDA DEPENDING ON HOW YOU LOOK AT IT.

they know about the loop

will probably be like "oh i'll help you :)" and end up being a late-game boss

---hey if anybody who saw the initial post sees this reblog, quick question: did you find this guess funny

"have you tried not dying?" have you tried shutting the fuck up

---i can't believe i've gotten attached enough to this wonderful bitch to wanna get "Behind the scenes"

coping with the fact that i don't have ISAT by looking at the stuff on the Steam page and compiling my impressions of the characters

perhaps i should've used visuals but fuck it we ball

uhhhh using 'they' by default because i only know Siffrin's pronouns. also i'm not sure about Bonnie and Odile's names but like there's trailer footage of them attacking while the narration calls them that so. uh yeah.

Siffrin:

blorbo

little floofy wizard guy

could commit war crimes and i would probably still love them

traumatized

idk wtf he did but they fucked up somehow. you do not end up in a time loop unless things have gone wrong

needs a hug

depressed? depressed

crushed by existential dread

ok based on some of these moments in some of the trailers they did something horribly unspeakable

Basil energy AND THAT MAKES ME WORRIED FOR HIM "everything's fine :')" NO IT FUCKING ISN'T

Isabeau:

gay for Siffrin

seems chill

likes Bonnie's cooking AS THEY SHOULD

Mirabelle:

really sweet! will fuck you up!

yeah sorry i don't have much

possibly Bonnie's sister but i may just be grasping at straws, my only evidence is they both have darker skin than the other group members and the fact that there has to be a reason this kid is going on dangerous adventures

Bonnie:

cooking gremlin

has sister issues or obtains them during the course of the story

would not want to be around in the kitchen because they're a terrifying force of nature

literal child???

Odile:

suffered for a phd

actually knows what they're doing

also gay

babysitting everybody

star head guy:

bitch

are they the reason Siffrin's in a loop?

they know about the loop

will probably be like "oh i'll help you :)" and end up being a late-game boss

"have you tried not dying?" have you tried shutting the fuck up

[sunlessea]

“ it’s - it's okay… everything’s going to be alright. ” - doctas :)

& RE : i've forgotten how to see, forgotten if i can. / @londonfallen.

how curious. they wonder, in the depths of his strikingly discolored eyes, rife with such genuine emotion, whether he looks 'pon them with pity, or even more than that, empathy that gnaws at the edges of his worm-riddled heart, his words. he had changed, for both better and worse, since his elaborate trips through worlds now long sundered — and they think that perhaps it disgusts him as much as it surprises them. sentimentality has made a home in him against his will, whether it be relation to his own experiences that had shaped him into someone more understanding, or simply the soul of someone shockingly kinder than he had thought them to be, spliced into his very own, shared now in his heartbeat. they do not acknowledge him, regardless, instead keeping their gaze trained 'pon the very item that had brought their mouth, so concerningly, to a close.

their fingers graze its sides, the bassinet that lies before them in the depths of the boatman's territories, hazy fog and memory alike wrapping 'round them in these depths they have zailed. the calm, melancholy, colorless world that surrounds them is fitting, void of any life save for the very two who stood within it, and even then, life is the wrong word. dimly lit by gaslight, one would think they'd stepped into the nowhere. but there is color, yet : the bright red of blood, staining the edges of the baby's bed, dragged in a thick, unsettling line along the ground until it disappears into the water where their boat had docked at the edge of this hallucination.

ah, no. not a hallucination. a memory.

at the edges of the trees, faint screams of undetermined gender echo, begging, pleading for its child, and in similar duress, that newborn screams and cries for the comfort of its parent's arms.

"terribly macabre, isn't it?" their voice is uncomfortably steady, but their fingers slip 'neath the bloodied, ripped baby blanket. 'pon its corners, they spread it out, run their thumb across two initials embroidered in pink. "it's unlike you to offer comfort, monsieur silas elial edwards. truly, you must be deeply unsettled." they are not sure that is true ... but in this instance, despite all that london is terribly haunted by, they would not blame him. screams grow in the distance, but so shortly after do they begin to distort : first into coughing, a rather wet gurgling, and then repeatedly afterwards, the sound of knife violently meeting flesh. fifty times, they had stabbed them. in their abdomen, in their chest, in their face. a never-ending onslaught, it must have been. and at the end of it, naught to show but the red garment of a previously white wedding dress, stripped bare from the corpse and thrown over an armchair. no other purpose than humiliation, they think.

that same wedding dress lays at the end of the red trail, but they do not look. so, too, do the baby's cries dissipate, fade into the distance. going, going, gone.

you couldn't have known. what would you have done? you hadn't yet lost your mind. you would have only died, too.

"there are worlds beyond the neath that fear a great deal what they do not understand, pequeña paloma. far worse are monsters that lurk in mortals than beneath london's occult and zee." they hold the blanket, pull it from the bassinet... and then let it go. and it flows, so slowly, down to their feet, before dissipating into nothing at all. it is not real. witnessing it here does not change anything : thorns of rose had still scarred the legs of solaris's heart, and so too had hatred stolen their innocence on a surface long abandoned. they turn to face him, gesture into the space 'tween them. "i am not afraid of gods, silas. i am terribly wary of man. even now, your very own cult is complicit to the evils your people commit. and you, of course, will never change, because like me, you have suffered travesties and triumphs which have left you immune to how rotten and hideous you have grown on the inside. your own sister, i should think, would hardly bear to look at you. my family, then, would be very ill indeed."

there is no moral lesson here. neither of them are sympathetic, redeemable people. witnessing one wrong does not excuse the many they have committed after the fact. they both know this. it is but a pleasantry, however ironically he may genuinely mean it. and perhaps he does. perhaps even silas, at the core of his worm-heart, thrilled not from the slaughter of a newborn child and another's beloved spouse.

"and yet, even still, you no longer burn transgressors at your once fire-holy stake without substantial reason. isn't that right? i wonder, then, if you would feel so strongly, had you no spouse to put into these shoes yourself. if you had seen them killed ... burned." they click their tongue 'neath their mask, hum, and turn away, uncharacteristically releasing quite a long sigh. "mayhaps there are some acts of cruelty committed by humanity that make even monsters flinch. c'est la vie."

[wildernessuntothemselves]

I know you challenge us to view all the characters as three dimensional, rounded characters - with flaws and strengths, without blindly hating characters and taking the moment to understand where they're coming from but oh my god...do i hate oc. (also also anon that just sent in an ask abt how much i prefer tyun over gyu for context)

I always appreciate flawed MCs, especially when its a reader perspective format - im one of those people where the flaws outweigh the strengths T-T

i mean, in the beginning I related...a lot. Concerningly a bit..too much. Even up to the point where we realize just how selfish and greedy she is. But then, the dislike starts setting in when she's so...unaware? I mean, we can tell she has semi self awareness of how she is since people keep spelling it out for but i dont know man. The way she keeps denying it, the way she keeps defying away from how she is..it pisses me off soooo much. Like i seriously dont mind her being greedy, possessive, selfish whatever. I've accepted those are her flaws, I understand how she became like this (and again...i relate which fucking sucks but here we are) but fuck, i think its natural human instinct to dislike her ?? LMAO

I mean maybe I would've been fine if she was denying everyones claims against her, and yes, in a way she always is but then her internal dialogues are like "I'm not selfish!! ...right?"

"I'm doing this for everyones safety...right?" There was this one time where she straight up admitted it and maybe that pisses me off. I mean we're reading this off solely her perspective, whatever unreliable shit she says, I'll accept it as truth. If only she denied it wholeheartedly instead of doubting her true intentions, i'd probably believe that her literal core trait of being selfish is not real.

Oc is definitely not a likable character. She's spoiled and selfish and out of touch. She struggles a lot with her perception of herself because her situation really is quite strange. She's truly is a victim but she's also a terribly seflish and greedy person and it's hard for her to reconcile those two contrasting aspects of herself. She admits her faults sometimes but then the next scene she goes back to defending herself. Only when she's really, really pushed does she go "yeah so I'm selfish so what? I deserve these things." Especially with gyu.

I have plans to address this part of her specifically in the future (if things don't end up changing) so I'm excited you're mentioning this lol it's a big part of her development

[peterparkersnose]

Pressure

Din Djarin x reader

Mandalorian x reader

word count: 1.3k

warnings: mentions of anxiety, descriptions of anxiety and anxiety attacks

a/n hi so i love this so much. im sorry if it seems a bit forced at the end, but it was a good ending. (I am in no way romanticizing anxiety in any way, I too suffer from it and thought it would be sweet if a character could relate to myself and so many others)

summary din is having a hard time with his emotions, y/n comes to the rescue

masterlist

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read time: 4 mins 48 seconds

Pressure. That is what Din Djarin was feeling between his temples. He recognized this as his usual anxieties. Worrying about the kid, his next bounty, you. He checked the cockpit to just make sure of his surroundings, and locked the hatch and removed his helmet. A depressive sigh came after the removal, causing Din to catch his breathe. He stared at himself in the beskar reflection. When was the last time he shaved? Got his hair cut? Genuinely took care of himself? Din stared into the reflection of his sad brown eyes when he suddenly heard a faint knock on the door. He put the reclusive thing back on his head and opened the latch.

“How’s it going?” you asked, bowl of fruit in hand. 

“Fine.” Din lied, accepting the treat from you. “You need to switch to auto pilot for a while, get some rest?” you asked. “No. I’m good.” Din replied.

You were used to his monotone mood so you left, leaving him to eat. 

Accept he couldn't. 

Din couldn’t bare to look at himself again. Expose his skin to the stars surrounding him. He felt like his life was crumbling down in front of him. 

Why? He honestly had no clue. He was on the way to the next planet for a bounty, so he was making money. He had his son in his care. The way that little guy acted sometimes just brought warmth to Din’s fragile heart. And he had you. Maybe that was a stressor? There was no relationship defined besides that you worked on his ship. But mechanics soon turned into babysitting, and babysitting turned into parenthood for the both of you. And with that, there was some loud unresolved sexual and/or romantic tension between the two of you. 

Din would often let his mind wander as he piloted. But this had gone too far this time. He had no idea why, but his heart started beating fast. 

Well, he had some sort of idea. He was thinking about you.

He would get these feelings usually at these times, or at night when he was alone. Imagining having you as a companion. A lover. A mother to his child. Someone that would always be there. Stable. 

But how could you love an beskar covered man? The most you’d ever seen of him was his leg when he got a nasty cut back on Tatooine. Din would go through heartbreak every single time he let his thoughts get too real. How could you ever fall for someone when you’ve never seen their face?

That is when he was set into panic mode. He quickly set the ship on auto pilot, causing the ship to slightly halt forward.

This is when you noticed the unannounced inconvenience, and went to go check on him. 

Din had cowered into the corner, beskar clanking against the metal walls. You heard this, and ran to go see what was the matter.

You found Din sitting on the ground in the corner. You didn’t notice him at first, until you heard a clank of beskar. 

“Din?” you concerningly asked, getting on your knees to his level. “Are you alright? What’s wrong?” you panicked, searching his armored body for any wounds. That is when you noticed his shuttered breathing and the slight ticks of his fingers against the floor. 

“Din, honey, you need to breathe.” you said to him. His heart skipped a beat when you called him honey. “I-I-I…” Din tried to say, loosing his breathe. His viser started fogging up, watching you melt away in the process. He pulled at his helmet, but was too disoriented to take it off. “What, what do you need?” you asked him, a hand resting on his thigh. He clawed at his helmet. 

“Din…” you pondered. “Are you really sure?” you asked him. He shook his head vigorously yes. “Would you like me to turn out the lights?” 

Din loved how you always spoke so kindly and softly, even in tough situations like this. 

“No,” he managed to breathe out. You clenched your eyes shut, feeling for the release hatch at the base of the mask. Once you heard it hiss, you removed it from his head.

You heard Din breathe out heavily, gasping for missing air. You froze, eyes clenched shut to try to not disrespect his beliefs. But Din was determined. He was willing to loose all of this, for you. He knew you would lie if anyone asked. And eventually, it was a common not-so-secret secret that Mandalorians would let their riduur see them maskless. Even if you two were not together, he was ready to start pursuing. He couldn’t deal with this stress anymore. 

His breathes were stabilizing as you felt a masked glove rest upon your cheek. 

“Cyar’ika,” he sighed. “Please, open your eyes.”

You almost fell backwards as you turned your head and opened your eyes slightly. Amazed at the sight of this man, you were immediately flushed. Shocked, wordless, in awe. Din stared back at your adoring gaze, interpreting it differently. 

“I know. I am hideous,” he said, looking down at the helmet in his lap. You extended your hand to his chin, picking up the face of the most beautiful man you had ever seen. You moved his chin right to left, examining everything on his face. You wanted that burned into your memory. 

“Do not say that. You are gorgeous, my love.” you smiled, watching his eyes turn with emotion. 

Din about melted when you called him my love.

And with that, he began to cry.

Din Djarin crying. A sight you never in a million light years you thought you would see. 

You embraced him, straddling him on the cool metal floor. You felt his soft brown hair between your fingers. It felt like gold silk. Your hand rested on his back, trying to hold him tighter through all the armor. 

And there you sat. Holding a sobbing Mandalorian. You were sure you were the only person in the universe that has had this experience. 

Once Din began to calm himself, he removed himself from the crook of your neck. 

“I am sorry. This was very inappropriate.” he said ashamed, face bright red. “I am here for you. Always,” you smiled, hands cradling his hair. “What has you all upset anyways?” you asked, moving some of the stray strands out of his face. 

“If I say, you will think I am a fool,” he sighed, looking away from your gaze.

“There is no timeline in existence that I will think Din Djarin is a fool.” you stated.

He loved when you used his name. 

“I-” he began to say. Din couldn’t put into words about what he felt for you. How he yearned for you. How he needed you by his side every day to make him complete. How he would present as an idiot for how much he was in need of you. Everything about you was absolutely perfect for him. You were worse than narco-spice. 

His riduur.

So, he showed you instead. 

His lips collided with yours so passionately. You weren't caught off guard, you were honestly relieved. You could tell Din was a little inexperienced in this field, but it only made you more in awe of him. 

When you two finally separated, you went deep into a hug. Din was caught off guard by this, but when you hugged him all of his anxiety went away. All of the angry and frustrated feelings were gone. 

“Y/N,” he whispered into your ear.

You gave a tiny moan of acknowledgement back. 

“If you would have me,” he began to say. You broke from his embrace, wanting to look him in the eyes, if you were right about what he was going to say.

“I would like you to be mine. My riduur,”

***

tag list: @peeta-is-useless @kirsteng42 @dani5216 @uwiuwi @alohastyles-x

[cjsmalley]

Danny finds the kid, no, baby- this kid is all chubby cheeks and chubby legs and chubby grasping fingers on tiny hands and nonexistent wrists.

This kid is missing teeth in a way that means they haven't grown in yet or maybe they have fallen out and a cupid bow's mouth.

This kid also stinks of ectoplasm, in a bad way, and is screaming about a Bad Man and how the Bad Man would be looking for him and kick Danny's butt!

Danny of course takes him home.

No Bad Man would be getting anyone on his watch!

--------

Jason's having A Day.

First he gets turned into some sniffling shrimp, then he gets punted through a portal like a football going towards the end zone.

Then he realizes he doesn't know where he's at and his adult memories are slipping away.

Then some crazy teen meta finds him and kidnaps him and takes him to some creepy ass lab.

This Danny guy must be a creep!

Hey, wait! What are they doing with that swa--blagh!

-------

Batman and his children are having A Night.

First there is a magic user in Their City; second, this...witch is throwing around spells like confetti.

Third, Red Hood got hit then disappeared through a portal.

Batman is Not Happy.

And when the Bats are Not Happy, everyone knows.

---------

Maddie is having A Day: first, her son brings home a boy that looks concerningly like him that keeps screaming about a 'Bad Man'.

Thankfully a simple DNA test proves the boy's not another clone.

Second the boy, who refuses to give them a name, has a concerningly high amount of ecto-energy for someone not related to her half-ghost son or whose not a halfa themselves.

Thirdly, the boy admits to memory loss; he claims to have been older than he is and he's 'forgetting shit'.

(And a child saying 'shit' should not be so adorable, by the way).

Thankfully, the manage to get some things from him when they impress the urgency of writing everything he can remember down before he forgets.

His name's Jason Todd

He's five years old and supposed to be two-one (twenty one, maybe?)

He's from Got Ham.

His Mom and Dad are both dead

The Bad Man took care of him until the Clown hurt him

Bad Man and the Clown both live in Got Ham

He has brothers and sisters (but he can't remember how many [Jason starts fussing here, realizing time is running out on his memories])

Danny scared him by taking him home (because Danny's a stranger and strangers hurt Jason badly [Danny immediately gives him space])

Danny's a 'meta' (though Jason can't explain what that means except the Bad Man doesn't like metas in Got Ham and metas can cause problems in Got Ham because of the plant lady that lives there too)

By this point, Jason is obviously exhausted so Danny, with the boy's permission, takes him up to the guest bedroom.

Then Danny calls Valerie and puts her on alert for the Bad Man coming into Amity Park.

Who's/What's the Bad Man? He doesn't know but he has a feeling that the guy...? Thing...? Is real and a storm's a-brewing.

-----

John Constantine is having A Life.

He's just dragged himself out of literal Hell and now he has the Bats breathing, thankfully metaphorical, fire at him because one of them tangoed with a magic user and lost.

So now he has to figure out what plane, realm, and or dimension the bloke was sent to, hoping that he's still alive and in one piece, and then figure out how to drag his ass back.

And it had to be the undead Bat too.

Fan-fuckin-tastic.

TBC...

my guys at this point just de-age have one of the bat kids (my vote is on Jason or Dick) get de-aged by one of their rogues or something, have them get lost by said rogue near/by amity park, and has Danny pick them up.

i want no proper communication between anyone. i want amity park to be so closed off from the outside world that they have no idea who the justice league is so Danny thinks batman is a new villain/ghost trying to steal his new adopted kid. i want batman to think that phantom is the one who kidnapped his kid and did this to him. i want said batkid to be pissed off because no one is listening to him because he's a kid and maybe they believe he's been brainwashed or something.

i just want a hot mess fic that's a reverse of baby Danny in gotham

[bigskydreaming]

Okay, so you know “Justice League meets Batman’s kids, who they’d previously been unaware existed” AUs?

So picture that.....but this time, instead of them just having no knowledge of any of these other Gotham vigilantes at all....the Batkids all migrate to various cities as they get older and become known as their protectors - Dick in Bludhaven, Tim in San Francisco, Cass in Hong Kong, etc....

Meaning they’re all established figures, the Justice League are aware of them as solo local heroes who stick to their cities and so they just don’t interact with them much if at all, or else some are members of team lineups but are particularly vague about their histories or life outside of the team’s adventures....

So the big reveal isn’t that they become aware of all these other Gotham vigilantes all at once....its that some big conflict or whatever requires a huge team up of all available heroes, and in the aftermath, they figure out that like.....despite being known as solo heroes who work alone or loners outside of their team settings, 80% of these heroes all not only seem to already know each other, they seem to be related.

And so naturally they all turn to Batman, who has profiles on every known hero and they thus figure had researched these individuals too and just never mentioned this little detail, and they’re like, “Did you know about this?”

And then Nightwing turns to him too, arms crossed and is like, “Yeah Dad, did you know about this?”

And the infamous Red Hood is all: “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I have never met any of these people before in my life. Lives? Whatever.”

And then Red Robin moodily grates out “I have no siblings.” Since he’s nursing a grudge since Dick and Jason broke into his apartment the night before and replaced all his custom Red Robin gear with Darkwing Duck merchandise and his vengeance will be swift and also totally disproportionate because things escalate quickly in this family, that’s true in every universe.

Cass meanwhile has deftly skewered Jason’s lie by walking over to him and brazenly patting down the man with many many guns with no fear whatsoever. He squawks and futilely attempts to bat her hands away as she riffles through his many pockets, but he doesn’t seem shocked, just annoyed. Eventually, she pulls away and triumphantly reveals a box of Hello Kitty themed band-aids.

“So these are yours then? Just for you?” Black Bat asks smugly. Red Hood squints at the box.

“What the fuck? How long have those been in my jacket? Why are those in my jacket? Did you freaking plant them in my jacket just on the offchance you could at some point in the distant future use them at my expense?”

Black Bat frowns, puzzled. “Yes?”

“Oh come on, Dead Hood,” Spoiler says with an exaggerated toss of her head meant to convey she’s rolling her eyes beneath her own mask. She skips her way across the room to Black Bat and then drapes herself languidly all over the smaller woman. Who in turn doesn’t so much as twitch beneath the sudden added mass as Spoiler holds out her hand towards the box of band-aids. 

“One please. I have a boo-boo,” she says with easy familiarity straight into the intimidating cowl of Black Bat. Only then does she deign to finish her train of thought with Red Hood.

“I mean seriously, are you saying you don’t have potential blackmail set-ups, pre-rigged releases of incriminating material, and a random assortment of traps, pratfalls and mortifying scenarios in place for the express purpose of being able to humiliate any and all of your siblings at any given moment, without any need for additional prep time?”

“Is this true, Little Wing?” Nightwing whirls on the larger Red Hood with a faux-scandalized gasp. The founder and leader of the Titans, formerly the Teen Titans, renowned for his stratagems and calm competence when directing squads of supers in the heat of battle while he keeps pace with nothing more than naturally acquired acrobatics and a utility belt that apparently uses the same technology as Wonder Woman’s invisible jet....now appears to be....staggering with the back of his hand pressed to his forehead, moaning about how he felt....faint? 

What is happening right now, several dozen superheroes want to know. Is this a drill? Are they supposed to be checking for signs of a mental ambush from undetected psychic saboteurs? Did they all hit their heads at the exact same time and are now experiencing some kind of shared mass concussion?

Look, that wouldn’t be the weirdest thing to ever happen on the Watchtower. 

“Have I failed you so utterly?” The veteran child hero bemoans with a dramatic twirl - that when contrasted with his stern demeanor of a mere ten minutes ago - makes the fears of telepathic infiltration seem less paranoia and more....concerningly probable. “Did you learn nothing from me? Did you learn nothing from B?”

He stops and jabs a finger up at the sky. “Quick, everyone! What is the very first rule of Living While Batty?”

As if by rote, over a half a dozen voices chime in from all over the room, causing various heroes to jump. Spooked by yet more and more vigilantes joining in some kind of mass recitation like they and they alone have some kind of clue what the hell is going on and everyone else just hadn’t been invited to the party. Which is just rude, honestly. Nobody likes feeling like they weren’t invited to the party. Not even superheroes. 

“If you’re not going to bother preparing for every possible contingency and at least six impossible ones, you might as well just stay in bed.”

Even the Red Hood joins in the Illuminati chant or Cub Scout pledge or demonic ritual or whatever the fuck that just was, though his slumped and exasperated posture gives away every hint of sulkiness his headgear otherwise would have kept safely hidden. He’s surprisingly more...expressive, than most who’d only known of him by reputation had expected him to be. The day continues to yield surprises.

“Of fucking course I do,” he growls out, snatching the box from Black Bat. She doesn’t even fight to hold onto it, just lets it go with a knowing smirk. “I wasn’t surprised by the idea of it, I was just surprised she bothered with such a weak effort. Like yeah whatever, actually those could be mine. I use those all the time at home. So what?”

He aggressively yanks one of the band-aids out of the box, fumbles with the peel-off strips with one hand and he roughly rolls up the sleeve of his jacket with the other. Then just slaps it on his forearm and raises said appendage high, showing it off this way and that. “See?”

“Oh yeah, for sure,” Signal drawls from the other side of the room, nodding his head approvingly. “Totally convincing. Nice job walking that one back, you really showed them.”

Red Hood’s head snaps in his direction with ominous intent. “Watch it, Day-Glo.”

Signal just snorts.

“Yeah, like I’m gonna take constructive criticism on my name and costume from a dude who’s spent the last several years calling himself Red HOOD while running around in a freaking HELMET.”

“Its not meant to be literal, you fucking pedant.”

“So wait, its not literally a helmet? Huh, does it at least protect your head literally, or just like...symbolically? Like if Bane were to clock you across the head, would your concussion just be a metaphor? What’s the treatment protocol for a metaphorical concussion? Fluids, bedrest and a philosophical prescription of two chapters of Chicken Soup for the Soul as needed?”

“Laugh it up, KC and the Sunshine Band,” Red Hood bats back. “You just got yourself disinvited from Thursday night’s poker game.”

Signal just grins and folds his arms over his chest cockily. “Please. You’ve been looking for an excuse to ban me for weeks, cuz you know until you can prove I’m using my ghost vision to cheat, you can’t actually bring suit against me for it in Family Court.”

“That, and also Family Court isn’t a real thing, you toddler. Stop validating Wing-a-ding-ding’s obsession with Shitty TV Nostalgia and just call it that thing where Oracle traps us all in a room until we settle our latest fight without anyone getting stabbed.”

“Yeah, but like, say that five times fast,” Spoiler pipes up. “Its just not practical. Family Court’s way easier.”

“Says the one who’s not even in our fucking family.”

“And yet I grace you all with my sublime presence anyway,” she blows a kiss at him, beatifically unbothered. “You’re welcome.”

The Red Hood scoffs and rounds on his heel, zeroing in on Batwoman in the far corner.

“Hey Auntie B, my siblings are all dead to me and I just helped stop an alien invasion so I deserve nice things like a fun Saturday night. Can you get me into Dad’s fundraiser so I can crash it? He won’t put me back on the list until I promise not to bring any C-4 with me and I won’t promise not to bring any C-4 because he should just trust me that I won’t when I say I’m not gonna and he won’t trust me that I won’t until I admit I shouldn’t have brought any to that sting last month where three tiny little yachts blew up through barely any fault of my own, and I’m just not gonna do that ever because I have convictions and I feel I shouldn’t have to be punished for that. Y’know?”

Batwoman blinks at him. “Kid, I’m not gonna lie to you. You’re my nephew and I love you, but I stopped listening three seconds into all that.”

“Ugh, fine. Can you help me crash Dad’s event tonight so I can teach him a lesson about why he should just trust me not to make a scene so I don’t have to always make a scene to make a point.”

“Tempting as you make that sound,” she says wryly, “I have a strict policy for dealing with you lot and your......everything. I only worry about tolerating one of you at a time, and there’s seven of you, and seven days in the week. You each get your own. You know perfectly well its Robin’s day today. You get me on Tuesday, just like always.”

“Auntie B, we’re not like other families, are we?” Red Robin’s delivery is sarcastically childish and his question clearly rhetorical. Most of his attention is fixated on whatever it is he’s doing with his wrist-mounted computer. 

“No sweetie, we’re all severely fucked in the head and a little bit too comfortable with that.”

“Just checking. Oh hey, Hood, I just emailed you a patch for the hole in your firewall I exploited when replacing all my shit using your accounts just now.”

“You did what?”

“Used your accounts to pay to replace all my stuff that you fucked with last night?” Red Robin says slowly. “Did you not realize that I’ve been sticking within ten feet of you for the past five minutes just so I could clone your devices and do all that while BB and Spoiler kept you distracted? I gotta say, bro, I feel like that’s on you then.”

Red Hood swivels his helmeted head in the direction of the aforementioned two. Black Bat waves. Spoiler shoots him an utterly unrepentant thumbs up.

“You’d side with your ex over me? That’s what its come to?”

“My only allegiance is to chaos,” Spoiler says brightly. Black Bat shrugs.

“Plus he bribes better.”

“Hateful,” Red Hood points at Black Bat, moving on to level the same finger at Spoiler, who curtsies in acknowledgment: “Hateful-er.”

Then the finger rounds the bases to aim judgmentally at Red Robin. “Hateful-est. And that was all Nightwing’s idea anyway, not mine.”

“Oh, I assumed as much,” he says casually. “Your idea of a prank tends to have more of a Carrie vibe. Or be a literal literary reenactment.”

“Its called an homage, 4chan.”

“Whatever, plagiarist. And anyway, I couldn’t go after ‘Wing for payback on this one. He used an Immunity card. If you didn’t want me getting back at you, you should have used one too."

Red Hood looms aggressively. Red Robin ignores willfully. Round and round they go. Superheroes who can survive excessive G-Forces are getting dizzy just watching them have a largely motionless stand-off. That shouldn’t be how that works, but whatever. All the most infamously reclusive and isolated heroes in all hero-dom are apparently part of the same one big reclusive and isolated family of fucked up weirdos and they’re all officially bonkers. Nothing makes sense anymore. Reality broke. Try another stall.

“Okay, but see, in order to have an Immunity card, I would have to participate in one of you losers’ stupid Immunity challenges,” the Red Hood drags out with exaggerated patience. “And I’m just not going to do that, on account of those all being fucking stupid. You see the problem there?”

Red Robin just shrugs. “I don’t know what to tell you, bro. You can have principles or you can have an Immunity card. You can’t have both.”

Meanwhile, on another side of....the same room.....look, its like, an octagonal room, probably. It has a lot of sides. Robin fends off questions from an aggrieved looking Superboy.

“You never told me you had a bajillion brothers and sisters!”

“Yes but I never said I didn’t either.”

Superboy rolls his eyes. “Oh yeah, so I should just assume everyone I meet has a bajillion secret brothers and sisters?”

“Well clearly it would have worked out in your favor in this instance if you had, now wouldn’t it?”

“Assuming of course that you can trust what has been said or implied here today and I am actually related to any of those numbskulls. Which I am not actually admitting to,” Robin tacks on hastily.

Superboy eyes him dubiously. “You joined in the same creepy chant all the others did and then got super self-conscious and looked around to see if anyone had noticed. Which uh. I did.”

“First off, your interpretation of body language is abyssmal. I do not get self-conscious,” Robin says with a delivery that probably could have benefited from being a little less self-conscious. “And second....that proves nothing. I guessed what they were going to say.”

“Word for word,” Superboy says super-skeptically.

“I’m very good at guessing things. You know this.”

“Okay. Guess how much I believe you right now then.”

Robin glares and folds his arms grumpily across his chest. 

“And what was that anyway? Was that like....you guys’ family motto or something like that?”

“Oh no,” Spoiler pipes up. “That’s much shorter.”

Superboy balks at that. “Wait, you guys actually have one of those for real?”

“Yup,” Steph says, counting out the words with her fingers. “He who laughs last....probably works for the Joker. So tranq him just to be safe. See? Only sixteen words. The first rule of Living While Batty is way longer, and what we said was just the abridged version. You should hear the original, before Black Bat put her foot down and refused to memorize it unless sizable edits were made.”

Superboy hovers between her and Robin now, both in mid-air and on the verge of taking Spoiler’s words as an invitation to hear just that. A low growl arises from Robin’s direction.

“Must you?” He asks the older vigilante, with a most put upon expression.

She looks at him pityingly. “Do you actually need me to answer that? Like, we’ve met, right? Hi, I’m Spoiler.”

“Wait, so Robin said that I just never specifically asked him if he had a bajillion brothers and sisters, and that’s why he didn’t tell me, so that means he wouldn’t have just lied and there’s not some code of secrecy that flat out forbids telling other people stuff, right?” Superboy realizes excitedly.

“Yes, excellent direction. Go on,” Spoiler says, steepling her fingers. Robin buries his face in the palm of one hand.

“Soooo, what other stuff could you tell me about Robin’s super top secret family that I wouldn’t think to ask about but that he would tell me about if I knew what questions to ask?”

She claps once, lightly but with emphasis. “Well done. You’ve passed the first barrier. Untold secrets await you behind just a few more.”

“I’ll get you for this,” Robin vows calmly. She waves a hand at him.

“Yeah, yeah. Just make sure you do it before January 1st, remember? You’ve promised retribution like ten times already this year and those don’t roll over, y’know. Rules are rules.”

“Enough!” Thunders a voice then, from the front of the room. Well one of the fronts anyway. Like sides, it has a lot of them, but this is the one where Batman’s standing. All eyes snap to him. Which is kinda just what eyes do when Batman says stuff like that. Its like his superpower, except he doesn’t actually have superpowers, which is what makes it scary. But where the snapping of the eyes (directional) is usually followed by Batman saying something else besides just “hey look at me,” here he pauses in the wake of his own call to attention’s waning reverberations. Uncharacteristically silent.

Not that, y’know, he’s normally Mr. Talkity Talk, but usually his silences feel like he has the words to fill them, he’s just withholding them. This though, this feels more like he doesn’t have any words at all. And he’s as confused by it as any of them, and most everyone else is confused by Batman being confused, and its this whole trickle down economy of confusion and its wrecking havoc on the value of the golden silence standard.

Of course, not everyone present is rendered spellbound with confusion.

“C’mon B,” Nightwing cajoles, leaning forward and practically radiating delight. “I think you know what you have to do now. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Its not likely to come around again.”

Red Hood snickers beneath his helmet and chimes in. “Yeah Pops, go ahead. You do this and you’ll actually have my respect for a whole twenty four hours. No, wait. Sixteen. No! Eight. Yeah, eight. Still a good deal.”

“Carpe diem, B,” Red Robin grins, leaning back as if to enjoy the show.

“Hey! Infringe on my trademark one more time, dude,” Signal throws a faux-glare at the former. Red Robin just quirks an eyebrow.

“And what, you’ll start saying Yum every time you eat a burger? Oh no. I’m hoist by my own petard.”

Signal flips him off with a grin and then redirects his attention back to Batman. “Yeah seriously though B, you kinda gotta do it now. Because if you don’t do it, then you’ll forever be the guy who didn’t do it, and you don’t want to be that guy, do you?”

“Yeah you really don’t want to be that guy,” Spoiler shouts out. “Nobody likes that guy. He’s the worst.”

“Do it, do it,” Black Bat starts chanting beside her, steadily picking up speed and volume. Several others start joining in. Even Robin appears to be slightly anticipatory, albeit trying very hard to hide it.

Batman sighs, and somehow everyone manages to hear it. Stills. Waits for....something? Nobody but them seems to have any clue what, but the air is thick and heavy with portentiousness. Something is about to happen, and all most of the heroes present could say for sure is it was something they never would have in a million years seen coming.

Finally, Batman straightens with the resigned air of a man about to have oh so many regrets. He crosses his arms, shakes his head, and in an absolute deadpan monotone, says:

“You are awful children. You know you’re killing me. You’re killing your father.”

[shiroichiban]

4town workforce au

uhhh, hi :33 i’m back after god knows how long of not writing to bring u my dumdum workforce au ideas :33 also if you saw this post fuck y’all it’s not a handy manny au >:((

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾　robaire - barista/bartender　☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙

bet he’d have the like, really hot barista rep so college students would come to his cafe to take a peek at him but inevitably they’d stay for his coffee cause it’s really fucking good. and then at night his cafe turns into a calm little bar, he serves great specialty drinks to the point he’s been featured in a couple night life magazines!

he and jesse were college buddies therefore jesse is an extremely loyal patron to robaire’s cafe, plus robaire serves as his venting grounds. when robaire can tell jesse’s having a really rough time he’ll whip him up an ungodly concoction that’ll make jesse forget all about his worries~ and give him a massive headache after

z also happens to be a regular customer since robaire’s cafe serves some pretty good protein shakes, robaire knows his order by heart cause he never orders anything else (and he may have had a crush on him cause with those muscles how can you not—) he finally gave in and wrote down his number on the back of z’s receipt once and after a bit of a slow burn courtship they’re happily dating :33

sometimes he tries whipping up new drinks in his spare time and they’re either really good or spawn of satan bad, he has vomited a few of his own creations and honestly speaking robaire’s alcohol tolerance is concerningly high so you know there had to be something wrong with that drink

t’s the resident repairman so robaire calls him up to do some odd jobs every now and then, like “t the water is brown and smells like coffee.” “you work at a coffee shop, what’s the problem?” “n-no i mean the toilet water t.” it’s ok though he pays t a hefty sum for his work plus offers him a free discount on drinks so he doesn’t go unappreciated.

robaire actually knew tae as t's friend since he'd bring him around occasionally to take advantage of the free drinks he gets. he learned that tae's alcohol tolerance was scary that night and put a cap on how many drinks he should serve him for the sake of morning after tae young—

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾　jesse - college professor　☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙

i’d give him the ‘wacky art teacher’ title but he’s too hot for that, he’s the resident hot professor that students always have a crush on at one point if they take his class. too bad he’s been gay and taken for awhile now but oh well, this man is stressed as hell by the way. will go out of his way to try and give less assignments so he’ll have to check less things but even then he suffers during hell weeks to the point he nearly got carpal tunnel from checking papers. but on the plus side he looks hot in glasses i guess?

the bar is his refuge though, he never comes by during cafe hours but once robaire sets up the bar he’s there almost the entire night (when he’s free of course he’s not that irresponsible) jesse used to be the official taste tester for robaire’s sample drinks but after a few bad ones let’s just say he tapped out of that role real fucking fast. might have had a fling with robaire when they were younger but honestly they both knew they were better off as friends so they broke up with no hard feelings.

since jesse had to witness the monster of a crush that was robaire’s on aaron z, jesse knows him by relation but also ended up going to one of his gym classes and actually liked it. jesse can admire the fact that z’s a damn good teacher and great motivator at that, they become good friends once he makes z swear he’ll never break robaire’s heart. he makes sure to drop by the gym at least once a week to the point z has come to expect him and even started giving him tips on workout clothes because no jesse, you cannot show up to a class in sweat pants and a pajama shirt.

tae and t were actually both jesse’s students at one point, although he never had a class with both of them together he knows t to actually be a pretty bright student, generally found him to be more engaged with hands on activities rather than pen and paper ones which he understood. t was generally a very earnest worker in his eyes and he appreciated that in him.

NOW TAE WAS A WHOLE DIFFERENT STORY, cause jesse may or may not have developed a slight crush on him when he first saw him— and it didn’t help that tae young would always stay behind and ask questions, or participate in after school workshops that jesse hosted. he genuinely tried to keep his feelings as just attraction and nothing more but the more time he spent around tae it inevitably spiralled out of control when he ended up confessing. but luckily tae said yes so all’s well ends well! (although he did say that their relationship should be kept on the down low until tae graduates)

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾　tae young - florist　☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙

tae manages his college’s greenhouse but also part times as a florist in another more well known shop, generally just loves flowers and learned flower language long before he actually became a florist. started out as a volunteer with his college’s greenhouse until he ranked up to manager, but even that didn’t satiate his love for plants so he applied for a part time job that actually paid him money for his plant upkeep! he’s pretty popular around campus since people tend to buy their flowers from him (he offers student discounts even though they’re just flowers lol)

alright so about his relationship with jesse… tae couldn’t help it ok he’s hot :<< but other than that he genuinely loved how caring jesse was and how much effort he put into helping his students, especially since tae young didn’t exactly do the best in his class during the first semester. jesse genuinely went out of his way to help him then so he slowly started developing feelings… and he expressed those feelings with flowers! sometimes he’d give them to jesse straight up, hide them in his desk, press them into his homework (don’t worry jesse never gave him minus points for that), or some other roundabout way. and the moment jesse confessed to him he literally cried before saying yes—

tae has been to robaire's bar before thanks to t treating him to the free drinks that he gets there, he finds robaire quite charming and sweet so he understands all the campus buzz about the "really hot barista at the cafe"

tae and t are actually really close! they commute with each other to college everyday and have fun conversations all the way there, t was the first person tae told about his crush on jesse and t’s genuinely such an accepting friend. tae likes t cause he never judges him but also just cause he’s so fun to be around, also t is basically the hive mind for all the latest gossip so tae likes catching up on that kinda stuff.

now z and tae aren’t really close, they’ve only been acquainted a few times since z is robaire’s boyfriend and he’s jesse’s boyfriend so they’re still a bit awkward around each other. but tae thinks z is cool but also finds it really cute that he's shy since usually he's the one who leads conversations between them.

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾　aaron t - repairman　☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙

aaron t’s a repairman that a whole lotta people rely on since he can do various common and odd jobs, people will literally just say “if you have a problem go to aaron t!” and that’s kinda stuck as his tagline since then. he knows everyone in the community pretty well and is very well beloved considered the amount of discounts and free food he gets from the people he works for on the daily—

t is basically robaire’s assigned repairman since only he can deal with the random ass problems robaire’s cafe goes through. don’t even ask me how he managed to fix the toilet water thing cause i can’t give you an explanation. and t will admit, he may find robaire hot but he's heard him mention a boyfriend once or twice so he let it go

now jesse was t's professor during his first year of college and he has to say, the man is packing in the looks department hot damn. but also he felt very very worried for tae since he knew his feelings were fragile and he didn't want him to get hurt if jesse rejected him. nonetheless he gave his full support to their relationship and hey! it paid off cause now he has free access to the teachers lounge with the good snacks.

oh tae, beloved sweet tae young, t's best friend little brother scrunkly boy sweetheart platonic soulmate— anyways, t definitely sees tae as a little brother. he's supportive of whatever tae does and always tries to encourage him, they have a very caring relationship towards each other since tae also listens attentively to his problems.

ok z, jesus christ that was a fine ass man, t's done a few repairs for the gym here and there and z's supervised him a few times. a man of few words but t's chatter overcame it and they inevitably became good friends! z sometimes asks him for relationship advice regarding his boyfriend (who he soon learned was robaire so like, huh small world i guess?) and what kind of gifts he would like but t always just goes “whatever you get him, he’ll like dude.” a very sweet bromance between these two~

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾　aaron z - gym instructor　☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙

i mean… are you surprised? he’s really good at coming up with workout plans for people of all ages and fitness levels, plus a very caring and genuine motivator when it comes down to it. now, have people gotten memberships at his gym just to check him out? yes, but he’s hot so what did you expect?? people to pass up the free eye candy of z in a really tight workout shirt that shows off his muscles?? but nonetheless z probably considered becoming a professional athlete at one point but decided to stick to helping people since that’s where he found he felt the best. probably coaches a grade school basketball team and they all love him and call him big bro z <33

now robaire’s his boyfriend (even he can’t believe it, kinda has this whole ‘aw man i don’t deserve him’ vibe every now and then), they share an apartment together and z helps him develop protein shake recipes~ endorses robaire’s cafe at his gym cause we love good ol’ business partner boyfriends. entrepreneur power couple in the finest sense also z helps robaire when it comes to heavy lifting during cafe renovations.

when jesse signed up for z’s gym z initially kinda thought jesse wouldn’t be able to do anything too intense, but surprisingly he proved him wrong. jesse’s actually pretty strong and he rarely needs help when manoeuvring equipment or keeping proper form, the only gripe z has with jesse is that his diet is shit. which i mean, is understandable he’s a teacher what else can he do, but z has to remind jesse he can’t replace water with whiskey and that in itself is concerning.

honestly z thinks aaron t is some kinda god, like he’s so knowledgeable?? on so many random things?? to be fair z only calls him around when the pipes to the shower room are acting up or if a machine isn’t functioning like it should but honestly the jobs he asks of t are always so varying and the fact that he can fix it all is so?? dare he say cool and fuel t’s ego even more… sometimes he asks him for relationship advice since he knows t to be good with people, but it seems that t really honors being true to yourself so z can respect that.

now tae, he may not know this but z coaches his little brother on the basketball team? so he knew him sorta, but then he introduced himself as t’s friend AND jesse’s boyfriend which was kinda a double whammy cause holy shit how have they not met officially until now?? tries to recruit tae into trying couples yoga with jesse cause z will always claim that he has the body and jesse’s joints probably need it, but other than that admires tae’s knowledge on edible flowers and thinks he’s cute when he starts passionately talking about plants.

[morelike-bi-light]

unplanned unexpected unwarranted vampire charlie au

au where bella decides she cant leave her dad behind like her mom did and convinces edward and carlisle to protect him too. carlisle ushers him out of the house and explains things to him, providing proof as needed - as much as he can. they go to arizona to hide out, charlie stumbling over his words to convince renee that he and bella were threatened and are in enough danger to need to hide out in a different state.

bella still gets the phone call, and renee doesn't answer when either of them call. when the others are distracted, she still gets away to meet james, but when the cullens go to save her, charlie's waiting outside with esme and rosalie (who are guarding him on the road instead). victoria is there too - and she gives them more trouble than they anticipated. emmett and jasper are distracted by the redhead and the noises from inside the studio getting louder and more concerning by the second.

when a scream rings out — he's never heard bella sound like this, not even when she was a mousy little girl buried under his seahawks baseball cap far too big for her head — charlie can't help but wrench open the door and run inside. his baby is cowering away from a bloodthirsty monster and there's not even a pause in his step as he sprints over to shield her form with his own, squeezing her against his chest and praying for the first time since he heard she wanted to come up to forks for the rest of school

his prayer's interrupted by a loud shattering sound and a malicious laugh. "aw, look at that! daddy's trying to save you. what a noble, pointless sacrifice!" a smack like stone hitting stone. "well far be it from me to deny a man his dying wish."

he doesn't hear what he says next - he doesn't hear anything, or see anything, because everything is white and sharp and pain, burning like a star, blooming in the crevice where his shoulder meets his collarbone. nothing exists right then but the cold fire in his skin, burrowing in his bone. it feels like hours before anything changes. the first thing to slip through is wet on his cheek and cool hands scrabbling to clutch at his.

"dad! dad!" bella? "edward! carlisle! anybody, any of you, please, I need help! my dad — needs help!" a hand on his cheek, trembling and frantic. "dad just hang in there! somebody help us!"

his fingers twitch, stretching towards her. "bella —you okay — bells — "

"im okay! im okay, im so sorry, dad, im so sorry! im sorry, it shouldnt have been you — this is all my fault — edward! edward please, you have to help him!"

hers is still the only voice he can discern but there are more emerging, blending together but getting closer. he catches snatches of words like 'bit', and 'spread', and 'minutes', and 'sorry', and 'safety'. a pale shape stands at the edge of his vision, and at once he's lifted from the floor. he convulses, eliciting another audible choke from his sweet daughter, and he recognizes a familiar, soothing voice from above.

"we can't stay here..."

"what? what do you mean?"

"we'll bring him back with us..."

"what are you going to do?"

"let him take him, bella, please"

"we'll watch over him, i promise."

"Im not leaving him, i can't just let him go!"

"i promise," softer. "jasper — will he sleep?"

the world softens and fully crumbles away. there's nothing left. nothing but fire.

time doesn't exist here, but then the fire, it doesn't go out. yet it stops hurting. it stops eating. it starts feeding. a single thought pops into his head that will make no sense to him when he recalls it later — a weary 'oh. i see.'

three days after the ballet studio, he wakes up to a brown popcorn ceiling. he blinks. he can see every crack and cranny in the plaster.

"mr. swan?" a tinkling voice says, and he sits up. "good, I thought you'd be up." the little black haired cullen girl beams up at him, chipper but sorry. her hand is curled around his wrist. "bella will be back any moment, and carlisle soon after. they're just across the hall, actually. he says we'll need to look after you for a while, just in case, —"

she pauses, just soon enough to avoid being interrupted by the sound of beeping and pressing keys and the door swinging open. bella is whole and wonderful — he can see every inch of her and she's really actually fine, not even a scratch — and she freezes seeing him but then she's flinging herself forward, pale face contorting

"dad—!"

"b-bells," he stands up, quickly, too quickly, to meet her, tugging alice along with him, but edward catches his girlfriend's hand and holds her back as he voices her objections to her entering at all. charlie scowls at first, when a scent reaches his nose — a smell that might've made his stomach growl if it could. his eyes cast up in open question.

edward is stiff, eyes looking conflicted but legs poised to pounce. "it's her."

"oh." charlie shifts uncomfortably on his feet, properly spooked, willing the despairing thirst away. as moments pass since making the connection, the scent of blood — of food — fades, to the point he can hardly detect it at all. it's a sharp relief.

"you — how do you feel," bella forces out, eyes locked with his with an uncomfortable intensity that makes him squirm and anxiously rake a hand through his hair. carlisle and the others filter in behind her and he's grateful for something else to look at, now he knows she's safe.

"better," he settles on. "than before, I mean. was that — did —" he waits for someone to interrupt him and fill him in, but it's quiet. "are you okay?"

a bark of laughter bursts from her chest and she assures him she's fine, eyes wide and brows furrowed like she can't believe he's a real person, the way she gets sometimes when he says something so awkward and sincere it makes her want to groan. but she doesn't want to groan anymore. instead she's torn between crying and singing.

"what do you remember?" carlisle asks, gently stepping forward, his gaze a mix of clinical fascination, wary confusion, and personal concern. charlie would flush beneath it... but the heat never comes to his cheeks.

"exactly how much are you looking for," he grumbles. "last thing i recall..." no need to go into the pain. "finding bella with that... guy at the studio."

"just finding her?"

"trying to protect her," he amends, focused on avoiding everyone's gaze. "and... it was..." then he notices how much there is to see, even when hes trying not to look at anything. he frowns. absorbing this much — it feels like a headache, minus the pain itself. overload. "it was him wasnt it. he bit me"

esme and jasper nod, but carlisle and bella just look away, the brunette visibly cringing. edward's jaw tightens, and for some inexplicable reason, the sight of that is what makes it all click for him.

"so," he fumbles for a second, but the word comes out so clean and sure when he says it, not at all like he feels. his mouth is physically incapable of tripping over itself like hes used to, no stammer, no stumbling. he grimaces and all the muscles pull exactly like he intends them too. he shakes his head. "he bit me. and? can i assume that's what's got me feeling so weird? the... some sort of effect of the bite?"

bella doesnt answer. neither does carlisle. surprisingly, it's that blonde girl that replies, though not to him.

"show him," she says, and after a moment, esme creeps forward, gesturing for his hand. he hesitates, but takes it. edward shifts to place bella behind him, as if she needs to be protected from him the way charlie protected her from james, a move that breaks his heart. gently, esme maneuvers him over to the bathroom. she turns on the lights, though she didn't really need to. he blinks. red. in the middle of a face with skin more suited to a shelf at a morgue than the tasteful backsplash of the bathroom, framed with dark, curling, concerningly long lashes, his irises were red. that wasn't it, either.

"am i..." he huffed. "am i seeing things, or am i way better looking than usual?"

a ripple of good humor disturbs the room, from esme's warm giggle, to a watery chuckle from bella, to a great, booming crow from emmett.

"way to focus on what's important, chief," alice nods, at the man's back in an instant. she doesn't sound nearly as sarcastic as those words should warrant. "finally, a man after my own heart."

"wait till you try running for the first time," emmett interjects, joining her behind him. "mind, blown."

some of the other family members sigh and shake their heads. charlie runs his eyes along his sharper jaw, still sprinkled with the stubble he'd acquired in the preceding chaos, now even and almost roguish where before hes pretty sure it made him look old and unkempt. he looks younger, he thinks, not young exactly, but good. better than his age.

he pulls away from his reflection, eyes flickering from face to face around him. he might even have said that he fit in with the mythically beautiful family. hes struck by how silly he was to dismiss the strangeness of the gorgeous, antisocial group out of hand, now that he sees how strange he's become himself, before his eyes fall to his daughter.

"im sorry dad" she mumbles, humor evaporating, and a pain resounds like a crack in his chest.

slowly, carefully, he moves forward, and the rest of the vampires stand on high alert as they realize what he's about to do. bella's eyes are bloodshot and he presses his lips together in a bittersweet line as he wraps her in his arms and tucks her close, just under his chin. a shudder runs down his spine as a phantom pain ghosts over his shoulder, but he brushes it aside and it evaporates like water. when he breathes in, she smells the way she always has, and he is not hungry.

"it's okay, kiddo. we'll get through this. im just glad you're okay."

and they do. charlie's vampiric powers are related to shielding, like his daughter, but his are more like putting things on mute, if that makes sense. small things, obviously, and usually physical. he's got a great deal more resistance to thirst than most newborns, for example, because it's muted by his powers, particularly for those he cares about. unfortunately this makes it likelier for him to, uh, die of thirst, as it's possible for him to forget to feed. and he can't block edward from hearing his thoughts completely, but they're muffled naturally by his powers (and always will be. hes not helping anyone into his head any time soon, especially not his daughter's boyfriend). he can also mute his own scent to the shapeshifters — which means he and billy, after things are all sorted, will still be able to hang out and be best friends!! he can also mute his own footsteps,

anyways this started as a meme post intending to go into how comedic it would be if charlie got changed and bella spent the rest of the series complaining that edward wanted to spend the rest of eternity with her father but not with her but then i got struck with some mad charlie feels and this happened so anyways vampire!charlie everyone @charlieswanismyrealdad @effervescent-emmett @cullen-trash @emmettmccartycullen @jaspell @leahclearwaterdefensesquad is this anything

[mewtonian-physics]

my ranking of the alex rider original series (stormbreaker through scorpia rising) from ‘book i least enjoy rereading’ to ‘book i most enjoy rereading’ let’s goooo

spoilers for all 9 books under the cut

9. Ark Angel

...He went to space. He went to space. Also the entire plot could have been avoided if Drevin had actually bothered to provide a photograph of his son. I’m sure he had one. I still like this book but it’s literally so insane that I just don’t know what to do with it. 

It is however really funny that Webber just goes and gives a speech insulting this super high-profile ecoterrorist group and acts like it’s no big deal and then they kill him. Shock of shocks.

8. Skeleton Key

Okay, points to this book for terrifying the shit out of me. God damn it does that shark scene scare me. Also, points for making me feel a little bit bad for a man who wants to nuke his own country because he thinks it will fix the place up. I’m still not entirely sure how that’s supposed to work, but that’s probably a good thing. I feel like understanding his thought process would say bad things about me. Still, I actually did feel sorry for him, if only a little. Dude was clearly mentally unstable and I doubt his son’s death helped at all. I also got sad about what happened to Carver and Troy. (Yeah, yeah, I’m a cringe fail American who has the American release. So sue me.) What a nightmare that must’ve been to endure... Otherwise, though, I’m not super into this book. The opening is just kind of meh and the way it leads into the rest of the plot seems a little bit unbelievable. Also, this might be an unpopular opinion, but Sabina annoys me. I would not get along with her at all and I can’t imagine her as a girlfriend. Skeleton Key does, however, absolutely excel at the emotional scenes. 

Also, why are all the spy agencies so comfortable with sending in a 14-year-old? Especially when they outright admit that the other attempts have all died horribly? Bureaucracy’s a bitch.

7. Point Blank

Boo, Dr. Grief! Boo! We hate your white supremacy! I’m so glad you got a snowmobile to the face, you deserved it. (Perks of books written by Jewish people--we aren’t afraid to give the neo-Nazis an unpleasant death.) Anyway, this book definitely isn’t bad, but I wouldn’t really say it stands out in the series. It definitely does hammer home the point of just how trapped Alex is, since MI6 isn’t going to just let him go after one mission, and let’s face it, the plot with the clones is creepy as hell, if highly improbable. But I’m largely just here to see the neo-Nazi get snowmobiled. That’s right, I just completely changed the definition of a pre-established word. I’m a rebel.

Also, I hate Fiona Friend so much and overall think she just didn’t need to be in the book, but the line about ‘I’d rather kiss the horse’ made me laugh so hard. Alex, you sass.

6. Snakehead

Okay, let’s talk about how genius the plan in this book is. I love it! I love how Yu wants to kill the people involved in the peace conference without making them into martyrs, so he comes up with this whole elaborate plan to stage a natural disaster. It’s incredible. This dude was thinking so far ahead. And he would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for that meddling kid... But anyway, I don’t see a lot of books where the villain really acknowledges that killing their enemies could just cause more problems for them via turning them into martyrs for a cause. Also, the way he’s so polite and soft-spoken while also being a complete monster... This book genuinely gives me chills. Extra bonus points for the part in the hospital, the absolute nightmare of having all your organs slowly removed and sold off and everyone around you is being so nice about it? ‘Oh, don’t worry, Alex, it won’t be so bad. Here, take your medicine. Do you need anything?’ Literally just. What the fuck. 

Also Ash can fucking fight me. You put your own godson in horrible danger on purpose! You killed your best friend! Bastard. 

...And just in case the book wasn’t disturbing enough, Yu’s fate at the end lives in my mind rent-free and I think about it on a concerningly regular basis considering that the chances of that happening to me are so low they’re practically in the negatives. Damn you, Horowitz.

I would also be remiss if I did not mention just how much I love the tagline ‘once bitten, twice spy’.

5. Crocodile Tears

Ah yes, the book that kickstarted my drift away from the church... I kid, of course. I drifted away from the church for completely separate reasons. But Desmond McCain is always going to scare the shit out of me. The ability to kill countless innocent people while blissfully quoting Bible verses (that he takes wildly out of context and uses for his own self-serving means) is... well, I could actually say a lot about what that reminds me of, but I’m here to rate books, not religion. Moving on. This book has some really stellar antagonists, and the plot is chilling in a way that feels a lot more realistic than most of the other books. Even if some of it is a bit farfetched (sabotaging a nuclear power plant? Really?), the idea of using disasters for your own profit... well. I’m sure I don’t need to elaborate on why that is so believable. The Poison Dome is also a really cool and chilling scene--even Alex, who has the luck of the devil, can’t get out of that one unscathed. Further scares come in with the fate of Harold Bulman--imagine having your entire existence wiped and your identity changed while you were asleep! The breakdown he has over it is almost enough to make me feel sorry for him, even though he was ready to exploit a teenager and make his life a living hell just to turn a profit. Note the word almost.

Also. The opening makes me cry. Specifically the line talking about how Ravi’s kids would ‘never meet Mickey Mouse’. I lose my goddamn mind every single time I read it. That little personal touch turns the scene from a statistic to a tragedy. Once again: Damn you, Horowitz.

4. Stormbreaker

Yeah, this one gets the special cover shot. And why not? What we are looking at here is the birth of a legend. Move the fuck over, James Bond, Alex Rider is on the scene now. Anyway, yeah, this book is pretty damn spectacular. It has its stumbles, but as the first book in a series, that’s to be expected. Still, it pulls you in from quite literally the first line and keeps you going right up until the end. (If you came here from my post of memes, you know how much the line ‘Killing is for grownups, and you’re still a child’ destroys me.) It has the debut of much-beloved characters such as, of course, Alex--but also Jack Starbright, and of course, the best MI6 agent of them all, which is to say Smithers. Hell, even Yassen Gregorovich, especially once you get through Russian Roulette... Man, that was a rough one. 

Seriously, though. This is a really good book. The scene with the Portuguese man-o’-war still gives me the chills to think about. (Have you ever looked up pictures of those things? They’re beautiful, but holy shit will they make you regret being born. Nature is funny like that.) 

We also get the introduction of, of course, Alex’s patented sass (his response to Sayle saying he relates to the man-o’-war is HILARIOUS) and we get the inherent humor of Alex screwing up an alias one time and then just going by Alex for the rest of the series so he doesn’t do that again. Really, kid, I know you’re not a trained spy or anything but did you never play pretend growing up? Ever? You can’t pretend your name is Felix for a little while? That sounds like a you problem.

3. Scorpia Rising

I distinctly remember when this book came out, actually. I was on vacation at the time, and I remember my brother annoying the hell out of the poor workers at a bookstore we frequented there to see if/when they were going to get it in. They did, finally, and we bought it immediately, and I was of course absolutely desperate to read it. He got to read it first, though. -_-

This is a great book, an absolute emotional rollercoaster all the way through. The way Blunt tricks Alex back into service by staging a shooting was exactly the kind of cold, brutal behavior I’d expect from him. Seeing Julius come back was shocking, but very exciting, too. And Razim makes an incredibly chilling villain, with his absolute disregard for human life and his desire to measure pain. Also, seeing Smithers’s house was so much fun. Smithers in this book was just really fun in general, but he’s really fun in every book, so... nothing unusual there. But also, I want an unwelcome mat. Please?

2. Eagle Strike

‘But Penny,’ you might ask, ‘why is this book so high on your list? It has so much of Sabina in it, and you said she annoys you.’ That is true. What does not annoy me, however, is basically the entire rest of the book. I love the tense opening, and then reading through Alex’s real-life ‘playthrough’ of Feathered Serpent is still one of my favorite scenes. Cray is absolutely incredible as a villain, with the way that he truly believes in his cause--which is undoubtedly a good one! Yet the extremes to which he will go for that cause, and the fact that he very nearly succeeds, are what elevate him to one of the most dangerous villains in the series. That scene with Charlie Roper and the nickels is something I can never seem to stop thinking about. Actually, I think about it basically whenever I think about large amounts of money paid in small increments... 

Also, I really enjoy how he gets into the whole plot in the first place, and I really enjoy Smithers saying ‘ah, fuck it’ and helping him out anyway. Go, Smithers. You once again prove me right in saying that you’re the coolest adult in MI6.

The revelation that Yassen knew Alex’s father is one that absolutely blew my mind first time around. The way his life was threaded into the lives of the Rider family--he worked with John Rider, was saved by him, killed Ian Rider, and then died for refusing to kill Alex Rider--wow. Wow. It gets to me. It really gets to me. This book is a masterpiece. I heard that it’s going to be what the second season of the TV series is based off of, and I’m so hyped for that. We love to see it, we really do.

1. Scorpia

I don’t believe anyone who says this book didn’t get to them at all. I just think they are lying. I don’t think it’s humanly possible to not be affected by this book. God. Just thinking about it reminds me of why I don’t think it’s possible. I mean, come on. We get all this backstory about Alex’s parents, we get tricked along with him into thinking MI6 killed his father, then bam, that was a lie, and Alex may have just fucked himself over big time. Also, that plot is terrifying! (And I bet anti-vaxxers had a field day with it, huh.) Julia Rothman is a really great antagonist, one of the only ones who didn’t go and explain her plan in great detail to Alex--the fact that she didn’t actually being a plot point was something I personally found pretty clever. In general, this book is... I tend to hate when people say they ‘can’t put it down’ because it’s usually an obvious exaggeration, but that really is how I feel reading it.

And again. If that ending didn’t get to you... Well, I just think you are lying.