#too many options all of which is either too fem or masc for me

[ezool]

had to do a little clothes shopping today

was reminded of why i hate clothes shopping

[fbfh]

living with the fosters hcs

wc: 800

pairing: moms!stef and lena + siblings!adams foster kids (brandon, callie, jesus, mariana, and jude) + (gn) adams foster!reader

warnings: tooth rotting fluff, found family, comfort, brief mention of various drama from the show (breakdowns, trafficking, suicidal tendancies, relapses, general bad decisions) (again it's incredibly brief like one bullet point for all of that), stef and lena are amazing moms, optional masc/male and fem/female hcs, I think that's it

a/n: falling down a fosters rabbit hole again!!!! adopt me pls!!!!! also brandon needs all of his siblings to gang up on him once in a while. he's the worst and callie is a close second. also if you don't know why you were tagged in this it's bc it falls under the domestic life/found family trope lol

@yesv01 @youkissedareaderinthedark @girlfriendwhoseawitch @mrscarolscaramoucheplease

Wailing screaming sobbing

First of all

Stef and Lena are the ultimate parents

You never had a good mom?? Now you fucking have two

You have a whole passel of siblings in a warm cozy house full of love

If you share a room with Callie and Mariana 

Get ready for some peak sister core moments

Mariana will frequently get second opinions on what color combos you think she should do for her next mani pedi 

Callie will act like she doesn’t want to talk about anything then ten minutes later she’s telling all about her current boy problems 

Helping Mariana do the back of her hair and doing Callie’s eyeliner for her because she insists she can’t do it as well as you have become as much a part of your morning routine as brushing your teeth

If you share a room with Jesus and Jude

It’s boy core healthy masculinity core all the way

Just guys being dudes

(or in Jude’s case, guys being Judes)

Jesus will constantly interrupt your attempts to do homework to ramble about his latest hyperfixation

Which is usually skateboarding or wrestling or 5 hour long youtube documentaries 

Jude is (affectionately) a little easier to get along with

Most of the time he only interrupts your homework for help with his 

Or to ask for help with a hard part of the level he’s stuck on in his video games

He puts stickers on his DS sometimes and loves getting your opinions on which ones should go where 

Brandon is super busy trying to get into music school and everything

But he makes sure to catch up with you at least a couple times a week 

Usually when it’s yalls turn to clean up after dinner

You’re both pretty busy, but you still make an effort to stay up to date on what’s going on with both of you

He tells you about all the drama in the music scene 

Even though he has to explain half the jargon and terminology to make his stories make sense

You tell him about the drama in your friend group at school 

Mariana and Callie will frequently ask you to settle arguments

And Mariana and Jesus 

And Mariana and Brandon 

Mariana just has a lot of hot takes

Stef and Lena work so hard to make this house a home

And they do

Everytime you come home from work or school or anywhere else

You’re always greeted with two warm hugs and kisses on the forehead form Stef and Lena

“Hi, love,” 

“How did everything go, sweetheart?” 

It’s not just small talk, they really do care about how things are going for you

They love you so much

They always keep your favorite cereal in the pantry 

They show up to as many of your events and extracurriculars as they can 

They’ll help you keep track of any meds or medical appointments 

They might even break their no coffee for the kids rule for you

It’ll take a little convincing but you know them well enough to know what cards to play 

They’re just so supportive too

Like you can wake them up in the middle of the night just cause you had a bad dream

They’ll hug you and ask if you want to talk about it and offer to make you tea

They really do have your back 100% of the time

And like

They’re so accepting 

Any problems you’re having 

Anything that’s causing you stress

You can talk to either of them 

Or both of them

Whenever you want

Even if you’re just feeling off

If you just need a little attention

Your mom and mama are there for you

They check up on you a lot too

Not too much, just checking in to see how homework’s going

If you’re hungry

How you’re feeling 

Anytime something scary happens 

Anytime there’s an argument or some other drama

Mariana’s ex boyfriend has a mental break down, Callie voluntarily enters a trafficking ring, Sophia tries to walk into traffic, Brandon spends his juilliard money on an apartment for his single mom girlfriend and her kid, Mike relapses

You know

The usual

Whenever there’s drama, Stef and Lena always make sure to check on you

They always take extra time to talk you through what happened or whatever crisis is going on

Make sure you know that they’re right here if you need them

And their hugs are the best too

They’re so warm and supportive

Literally and figuratively

Honestly you couldn’t ask for better moms 

They have your back through everything

Every injustice, every rough patch, every failure and low and problem

And every win and success and happy exciting joyful moment

They’re there for you through all of it

And from the bottom of their hearts, they couldn’t be more proud of you

[tyrannuspitch]

okay i've used the word homophobia to talk about a specifically bisexual character too many times recently, so let's talk about potential manifestations of specific *biphobia* in asgard.

please note that i have done no extra research on this (yet?), i'm just extrapolating from what i know about historical ergi stigma (and what i've already extrapolated from not very detailed info on that!), so this is firmly historically *inspired* fantasy territory.

i'm going to leave aside the matter of gender-conforming stone top msm for the moment, because while they are a group who Exist, they're pretty distinctly queer by modern western standards and straight by asgardian standards, which is kind of messy and not the central point here. (also, top/bottom/vers is not a question applicable to all possible sex acts, so the exact requirements of your stone top no-homo-ing are unclear; and the question of identity based in action vs identity based in desire is also possibly complicated, imo a lot more complicated than people tend to give it credit for... it's just super messy okay.)

instead, as the closest equivalent to "bisexual men", let us consider men who a) are definitely queer by asgardian standards (feminine and/or interacting with men as a vers or bottom) and b) are interacting romantically/sexually with women.

a number of possibilities for an asgardian opinion on them:

1: modern-style bi erasure. pffft, this relationship is clearly fake. a queer man could never be a REAL partner to a woman, so either she's covering for him out of pity or he's fooled her.

on one hand, i feel like this is slightly less likely than in the modern day, because it does seem to centre attraction as definitive of queerness, and hence the idea that you can only engage with one gender. on the other hand, the idea that queer and straight men are deeply, fundamentally different with no overlap is very affirming to straight men. so perhaps this could still be one manifestation.

1b. bi erasure specifically through inadequacy. it's not that we don't think queer men WANT women, it's just that they'll never be good enough for them. maybe he's got her fooled for now, but she'll realise soon enough.

these two options mostly invite ridicule, but could escalate into violence towards either partner to try and "prove" what a "real man" is.

2. a sense of threat / unfairness. women are only meant to like masculine men, but this feminine man DOES have a female partner. how? why is this feminine man reaping the rewards of masculinity?

2a. in which the fem man is a usurper and a sinister, dishonourable threat who is stealing/corrupting the woman. the woman is assumed to be victim but probably also victim-blamed, like an antieffeminate spin on the "woman hate nice guys" trope.

2b. in which we do Gender Arithmetic and decide that a fem man could only possibly be partnered with a masc woman. now the woman is the sinister usurper of masc/male power, and the man is the weak/foolish traitor allowing it. in theory, this relationship would be comedic, but actual examples of it would be extremely threatening.

this also raises the most interesting possibility to me - an attitude parallel to modern mononormativity, but instead of claiming that you can only truly be attracted to one gender, it claims that you can only truly play one gendered sexual role. a queer man must ALWAYS be a fem sub bottom, whether his partner is a man or a woman - so a man being queer proves a male partner of his straight, but makes a female partner appear queer too. which from a modern perspective is pretty wild!

anyway. these two options frame the relationship as a more direct threat, and as such, are more likely to result in violence (or to result in it sooner, or worse.) this is especially true if both partners are being interpreted as queer here.

lacking any historical info as pointers, i feel like all of these options are fairly plausible. and all, independently, pretty fucked up.

i'm not sure how to wrap up this post, but in general, when considering ergi stigma, i think it's important to account for the fact that (perceived) gender expression is central, not attraction, so being in an m/f relationship is not necessarily going to do much to protect you. which is also true of modern real-world biphobia to an extent - people can and frequently do experience biphobia in m/f relationships, and i'd be willing to bet there's at least one modern real-world example of every single specific attitude i described here, even if they're not all common. but the irrelevance of relationship status does bear repeating, especially when the central definition of ergi is often euphemised as "passive homosexual". like, yes, but no. it's not just about that act. it's about the gendered implications of that act, which, once acquired, can set you apart forever.

[mindbrokengirl]

poll results and discussion

the turnout on this was very nice! which is kind of a shame bc i forgot to add an "other" option and (as pointed out in the comments) a "more dysphoric" option. so the results here are a bit skewed. nevertheless, i've included a results-by-category breakdown so anyone interested doesnt have to do the math themself. my comments are strictly after the math, in case you want to avoid some slightly more in-character posting about this

here in the math section i've removed all "see results" answers and made some groupings

by gender/role

ftmgirls total: 84.8% (189) of respondents

more masculine: 19% (36)

less dysphoric: 30% (56)

no change: 13% (25)

more feminine: 22% (42)

detransitioning: 16% (30)

other genders/roles total: 15.2% (34) of respondents

more [current gender]: 35% (12)

no change: 50% (17)

less [current gender]: 15% (5)

by effect

no change (answers 2, 3, and 7): 44% (98)

moving towards preexisting* gender (answers 1 and 6): 22% (48)

moving away from preexisting* gender (answers 4, 5, and 8): 35% (77)

*it occurs to me as i type this that these categories assume that all ftmgirls were somewhat masculine irl. for all i know someone couldve been transgendered by jerking off to the thought of being ftm so that they could then be detransitioned. if thats you, contact me post haste.

discussion

omggg 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 god i fucking love how many of us are detransitioning. if you're reading this and thats not you i respect it but it feels soooo good to give in. don't you want to give in? 🥺 i am curious how many are detrans-for-the-kink and how many feel that the kink just helps them through it or allowed them to consider it. obv im biased towards the kink group but detransitioning in general is interesting and difficult and strange. i hope you're having fun with it too.

i was expecting the "no change" groups to be the largest, so that's not a surprise. it is how the kink is usually portrayed (partially accurate, partially out of fear of judgment imo), and it's nice that many of you feel more comfortable with dysphoria because of it. the ftmgirls getting either more masc (hell yeah) or more fem (:3) are cute and i wish you even more freedom to experiment.

my favorite group here is the not-ftmgirl less-[current gender] group. im so glad this one did end up getting some votes. who are the five of you. what is your story. wondering if this is mtftm enjoyers or a more varied group of trans and cis people. feel free to write in. and finally, im also thrilled to see that us ftmgirls can offer our services as gender affirmation to some of you. my preference leans toward making cis guys more secure in their masculinity but i know there are girls for cis lesbians and trans doms of all sorts. love is love 💕

*ftm is defined broadly. if you see yourself in that role for the kink, answer a 'ftmgirl' option on the poll. if you're a ftm who takes the dominant role, answer 'not ftmgirl'.

[thorne1435]

If you'd listened to your English classes properly you'd learn that there are two genders, male and female and if you don't classify as either of them, you're an 'it' because at least EVEN ANIMALS have genders. Which makes you worse than them honestly. You freaks are the reason insecure pathetic men in lipstick and frocks compete in sports and other activities for women and ONLY ACTUAL WOMEN. How many times do I say this, you freaks don't count as women. Just stop already with your fucking bullshit, you're the reason people invented fucking condoms. If I ever have kids, I'm letting them NOWHERE near you groomers and disgusting pedos, the safety of children is more important than your irrelevant feelings 😒

This person sent me three asks. This is the third.

I'm so proud of you! When you sent me the rough drafts, I admit, I was a bit reluctant to accept the efficacy of your essay here, but I see you took my advice to heart. You even took out the bit about Lia Thomas or Thompson or w/e (because no one actually gives a shit about her or whoever the other one was) You did such a good job, honey! This is a good revision. I'm sure it'll at least be worth a C. Maybe higher!

Nice enby-flavored transphobia, by the way! I hadn't gotten that yet, because I tend to just say I'm a woman. Acknowledging that I'm nonbinary is a "diversity win," as the kids say. I'm glad we can set aside our differences like that, and I know it's hard, all these new ideas about gender and sexuality. I mean, it's confusing for me sometimes too. But I'm glad you've already come to the same conclusion that I have: "Just go with it, it'll make sense later."

So anyway, more seriously, (it/its) pronouns don't bother me, because when I was younger and more conservative I thought that referring to everyone as "it" would be the better option. The reason why I stopped believing this is the same reason why your "English class" thing is wrong. Linguistics is actually my special interest, so let me tell you how many genders English has: Masculine (he), Feminine (she), Neuter (they/it), Animate (he/she/they), and Inanimate (it/they). So, like 4 or 5, depending on how you count the "In/Animate" binary.

The Masc-Neut-Fem axis is a parallel gendering relative to the Animate-Inanimate binary. Though, Animacy in English is...complicated. For example, most animals, particularly pets, are referred to with (it/they) pronouns, or when the sex of the animal is known, (it/he) or (it/she). But we still do refer to them as inanimate sometimes, and this might have something to do with how we look at sentience/sapience in regards to animacy? Like, it doesn't matter as much if it's a moving or living thing, like "animacy" would imply: if it can't communicate with us, we're inclined to label it an object. It's sort of a human-centric linguistic trait but then again, how would language not be human-centric, y'know? It's something for animal rights activists to get upset about, and I don't think they're overreacting necessarily.

But uh, yeah, that was what I wanted to say about your gender comment. You don't understand grammatical gender. Why don't you read up on it before embarassing yourself in front of someone who doesn't really enjoy demonstrating how complicated it is?

Also, it should be noted that grammatical gender (the gender that animals..."have") and social gender (the gender that animals do not have, by any stretch of the term) are not the same thing. Like, you can't really "Identify as inanimate" can you? How would you affirm someone who identifies as "non-living"?

(Which, for the record, isn't to say that someone can't identify as 'inanimate' in the same way that we would assign, say, a dog or a cat the 'inanimate gender,' because that's functionally different. They're still saying they're alive, and they have to be because otherwise that sort of falls outside the scope of social gender and...like...IDK, that's just kinda wack. They're just playing with grammatical gender and that's an interesting concept but I'm not entirely sure how to approach that other than, like I said before, "Just go with it, it'll make sense later." I'm just saying this because I know it's new to you. I digress.)

There are plenty of similar, non-social grammatical genders in other languages, and the idea of someone "identifying" as one of those is kind of funny, because...well, for some of those genders you actually probably would take on those genders as part of a linguistic system within the language's conventions, and for some of those, they're impossible for humans to be, because they weren't meant to refer to humans, though I imagine that's relatively rare? It's certainly pointlessly complex, but that doesn't mean languages don't or couldn't do it, if it just happened to shake out that way. That's how language works, there are no hard-and-fast rules, it's all just happenstance shit that sticks and develops over time, a lot like Darwinism I guess.

[infjsnightmare]

Wedding Aesthetics: Kunikida

A/N: A lot of this is based around a very traditional wedding style in Japan, which I think Kunikida would be very fond of due to their structure and wealth of history. He lives and breathes his ideals, and so he would expect his wedding day to be nothing short of the perfect, idealic wedding in conformance with his culture. I do think he would have more modern touches for the reception though. I think for things like the reception, Kunikida would want warm neutrals for their wedding colors. Most of my knowledge is based on my studies while in Japan and the things my husband has taught me, so if it is not 100% accurate, please let me know and I will go through and correct it.

*************************************************

If S/O is fem: He would want his S/O in a shiromuku wedding kimono which was traditional and popular among weddings involving samurai. The typical garb for weddings in Japan is Uchikake, which is similar in style but much more colorful. I think Kunikida would opt for the pure, white shiromuku due to the clean look of it and the elegance. Brides normally go through a few costume changes, including the uchikake, but I think Kunikida would want for her to just have one outfit for the ceremony so as not to over-exert herself. I do think he would have her change for the reception. Something white, lacey and more comfortable. Something they could dance together in without being too restrictive.

If his S/O is masc: I think Kunikida would opt for western clothing in the case of his marriage to a masc S/O as he would feel mismatched in traditional garb, since there aren't many options for men's traditional wedding clothes and he wouldn't want to be wearing the exact same thing as his S/O. I think he would like to see his S/O in a clean, well-tailored neutral colored tux with some similar elements to his clothes, but noticeably different. The neutral tone would only enhance his lover's natural handsome features in his eyes. His S/O doesn't need anything extra, he already stands out as he is.

Kunikida's Clothes: If he has a fem S/O, he will wear the standard traditional Montsuki Haori Hakama, which doesn't have much variation to it. It is the standard for a Shinto wedding. He would however, make sure that he is absolutely well groomed and not a hair out of place. If he has a masc S/O, Kunikida would also be wearing neutrals, but I think he would opt for his tux to be more in the brown or tweed family. He would want his and his S/O's suits to complement each other without taking away from each other. The brown in his suit would bring out the color of his eyes.

Flowers/Decorations: I think Kunikida would like for you to have Camellias (tsubaki) as decorations (or on boutonniere for masc S/O) as they represent "perfect love" which I think would translate as ideal love in his brain. They are also soft and elegant, which he would see in his S/O. I don't think he would go for anything other than flowers as decorations, since then you are left with all the materials that you won't use again and the cost. I could see him saving some of the dried camellias and having them as a keepsake though!

Rings: This man would want a simple gold band for himself and his S/O. Their love speaks for itself and he doesn't need some extravagant wedding ring to prove it. Their love is simple, pure, and unending like the bands. That is enough for him. (I didn't include a photo of this since there is a 10 photo limit and I think we all now what a simple gold band looks like.)

Venue: His wedding would take place at a picturesque shinto shrine, preferably one nearby either of his or his S/O's home. He would want to be able to visit this shrine again and relive his wedding memories. He would also pick a date sometime in spring so that the air is fresh and it isn't too hot outside. Planning is this man's forte, so expect him to be checking all sorts of weather patterns and past temperatures to pick the absolute perfect day.

Cup Ceremony: Kunikida would also have a traditional San-San-kudo cup ceremony with a traditional red sake cup set. I think Kunikida would pick a sweeter tasting low alcohol content sake for this as he wouldn't want him or his S/O coughing or becoming flushed during the ceremony. (I also think Kunikida would task Atsushi with keeping the sake away from Dazai before the ceremony.)

Wedding Cake: Something tall, elegant and simple. He wouldn't want it to be so simple that it was boring, but he would want very clean edges and decoration and nothing too cluttered. He wouldn't mind having a lot of tiers so that it could feed everyone and I think that he would save the top piece of cake as they do in western cultures. He is sentimental, so I think he would be fond of that tradition.

After the Reception: He will have a prompt schedule time for the end of the reception followed by cleaning up, since he is not one to leave behind a mess. But after that, he has already booked a ryokan, traditional inn, for him and his S/O to honeymoon to. I think he would pick a ryokan on one of the outer islands in Japan so that he and his S/O could relax in privacy. They would have a week to enjoy the onsen, explore the island and eat meal after meal of fresh local cuisine.

Taglist: @chuuyasboots

[gayagendaofficial]

Wait, what’s gay lingo? Like, what does twink, bear, etc. mean?

I AM SO GLAD YOU ASKED!

Before I get into actually defining these terms, I’d like to write about a few things:

So this is probably in reference to this post I made. Not to explain the joke to death, but that’s exactly what I’m about to do. I wanted to make fun of how people who aren’t mlm think they know what mlm terms like “twink” and “bear” mean and how they blatantly use them incorrectly everywhere, because they think they’re funny (bc gay men are a joke, right? //sarcasm), or because it makes them look “woke”. It’s an idea I had for the longest time when I saw something a str8 woman wrote about Zac Efron being a twink, in the present. Like yes, Zac Efron was a twink, past tense, but he is absolutely not a twink anymore (if you can even call a str8 man a twink). And she also implied that being a twink is something you can’t outgrow, which is laughable, because it’s kind of a meme among gay men that being a twink is something you grow out of whether you like it or not.

This mostly seems to be a problem among cishet women, since cishet men tend to be too concerned with their “masculinity” to touch gay culture. But since this is tumblr and virtually none of you are cishet, a lot of the times I’ve seen people misuse these terms on this site were LGBT+ people who weren’t themselves mlm. In those cases, the reasons seem more that these people are just misinformed, and they use these terms because mlm use these terms, and we share a community. Part of it comes from the fact that wlw might see the terms “twink” and “bear” as analogous to “femme” and “butch” respectively, which is not true in the slightest (Butch and femme are their own complex thing. What they actually have in common with twink and bear is that few outside their communities actually know what they mean lol).  Another reason might be that other LGBT people see mlm using these terms sarcastically and think they’re being used in earnest; if an actual gay man calls a bodybuilder a twink, he’s probably being sarcastic, and also probably trying to insult him (which is a whole can of worms I’ll open up in a bit).

I’m gonna try to define what “twink”, “bear”, and a couple of other terms actually mean, as well as give a little bit of context to how they’re used and controversy surrounding these identities within gay spaces, partially based on my experience as a gay man and partially based on casual research. I’m just one gay man, and I’m not an expert in queer studies or anything, so take from that what you will. I hope this will be useful to mlm who are just discovering their identities and exploring their sexuality/gender, who are new to the community, and I also hope to inform our siblings elsewhere in the LGBT community. This info could also be useful to cishet allies, although please be mindful of your intentions in using these terms.

Anywho, lets get to the definitions:

A twink is a young, smooth, slim mlm. The definition here is generally seen as being pretty strict on those 3 criteria, although “twink” is sometimes used for older mlm who are skinny and don’t have much body hair. Those last two criteria are the most important, because there are other categories for mlm that fit one of the criteria; an otter is essentially twink + bodyhair, and there’s a whole host of other words for other body types.

The definition of “bear” is a little more flexible than “twink”, although it generally comes down to the inverses of those same 3 criteria. The most important of these is the bodyhair requirement; any definition you find of bear includes something about being hairy. Almost as important as bodyhair is body type, although “bear” covers a slightly larger range than twink in that regard. Usually, “bear” indicates that someone is large or plus-sized, although it can also sometimes be used to describe someone who is muscular in the sense that they are beefy (if you can see a 6 pack, he’s probably not a bear). It’s also sometimes associated with being slightly older, but that’s not nearly as important, and “bear” can refer to any age. The term “cub” refers to mlm with the same body type as a bear, but who are smooth and young.

Now, let’s get into some misconceptions/controversies surrounding these terms. The first of these is that twink and bear are the only two options, and that all mlm fall into one of these two categories, or that other terms are simply variations on those two main terms. This misconception is really only one held by people who aren’t mlm themselves (or are, but are only just learning the terminology). These terms are extremely specific, and the fact of the matter is that the vast majority of mlm don’t fit into either of these categories. And that’s ok! There are a ton of other words mlm use to describe themselves. I’ve already mentioned “otter” and “cub”; there’s also “jock”, which refers to muscular mlm; “wolf”, which also refers to muscular mlm, but specifically hairy ones (with a bit of overlap with the “beefier bears” I mentioned earlier); the relatively new term “twunk” which you may know from this video as “a combination twink and hunk”; and many many more. In addition, all of these categories are really just physical descriptions of your body, and don’t have any bearing on anything else. You don’t need to fit into any of them.

That being said, there are a number of stereotypes associated with these terms, and it is important to address them.

Our next misconception is one that’s as common among mlm as as it is among everyone else: that twinks are by definition fem, and bears are by definition masc. “Masc” and “fem”, short for masculine and feminine respectively, come with their own host of problems, and that is a can of worms that I am not going to open up right now. This post is long enough as it is. If you want the sparknotes version of the controversy surrounding the masc-fem dichotomy, it basically boils down to misogyny, transphobia, and internalized homophobia. But back to twinks and bears: I would like to assume that it’s obvious that your body type or bodyhair has absolutely no impact  on your personal presentation of gender. There are plenty of fem bears and masc twinks. But unfortunately, most people don’t seem to get this. And this super important, because the gendered way we think of these terms affects everything else I’ll be talking about in the remainder of this post.

My next point, which is really and observation based on my experience in the gay community, is that bear as a term seems to be much less… loaded. However, being a twink myself, there might be a gap in my personal experience, so any bears feel free to correct me. However, from what I’ve seen, “bear” isn’t really used as an insult in the way “twink” is. Which is a bit of a miracle, considering how prevalent fat-shaming is in the gay community. From what I’ve seen, bear isn’t a term that’s forced on you, it’s a term that bears choose for themselves, almost always in a positive way. It’s a term associated with body positivity, and bear communities seem to be much less toxic than the gay community as a whole. Even when it’s used to describe someone else, it’s always a neutral statement of fact. I don’t think I’ve ever seen it used as an insult, or even sarcastically. The worst I’ve seen of it is that it’s used as a porn category, which contributes to the fetishization of fat people; but then again, twink and jock are also porn categories, so it would be weird for bear not to be. This isn’t to suggest that bears are treated better than anyone else in the gay community, if anything they’re treated worse; just that the word “bear” itself has neutral to positive connotations. (Again, any bears correct me on this if you’ve seen it used negatively!)

Twink, on the other hand, is absolutely used as an insult, and frequently. And while this may sometimes be harmless, more often than not it’s really problematic. If you’re plus-sized and you use twink as an insult in the same vein that Nicki Minaj said “fuck the skinny bitches”, that’s completely fine. Twinks are seen as being desirable (if they behave a certain way; more on that later), so effectively it’s punching up instead of punching down. However, a good 95% of the time that “twink” is used as an insult, it really comes from one of the many stereotypes that all essentially boil down to the idea that twinks are fem. And the idea that being fem is inherently bad and insult worthy is, once again, rooted in misogyny, transphobia, and internalized homophobia. 

This association between twinks and femininity also has a lot of scary implications on the beauty standards twinks are held to. I’ve noticed that twinks fill a niche in the gay community that is similar to the role cis women are supposed to fill in western culture as large, and that we’re only seen as sexually valuable if we perform the same behaviors and meet the same beauty standards that are typically reserved for women. We’re bottoms by default, submissive both in and out of the bedroom (yes I actually am a sub bottom, but that’s beside the point). We’re supposed to maintain a completely smooth, hairless appearance; a shaved ass is the bare minimum of hygiene. I once met a guy on grindr who demanded that I be completely hairless everywhere beneath my eyelashes, and while that’s a bit extreme, he was by no means an outlier. Just today I talked to a guy who wanted me hairless between my neck and knees. We’re often seen as vapid and stupid, and infantilization of twinks is rampant (some guys put way too much emphasis on the young part of the definition). And, to cap it all off, there’s the racism! Who’d’a thunk that all forms of oppression are connected? (sarcasm). Twinks can of course be any race, but the ones you’ll see men on grindr going after the most are white or light-skinned Asian twinks. Combine that with stereotypes of Black, Latino, and Middle Eastern men as dominant and aggressive, and you have a whole slew of white supremacist ideas painted over with a thin coat of gay porn.  (mlm of color who’d like to add or correct me on anything, please do so!)

I’ll end this already long post with a comparatively brief discussion on who these terms apply to. Basically, if you’re an mlm and you fit the definition of “twink” or “bear”, congratulations! You’re a twink/bear! “Can bi men use these terms?” Of course! “What about trans men?” Are you attracted to men and male-aligned people? Then of course! That last one might be controversial to some cis gays, and to that I say fuck right off. However, it does get a bit muddier with trans women and transfem nonbinary people and the word twink. Trans women are absolutely not mlm, but many of them have been a part of mlm communities for a long time, often before they even realized they were trans, and some may be reluctant to give up the word twink (I haven’t seen this for bear, although again, lmk if you’ve seen evidence to the contrary). And on top of that, a lot of cis men looking to have sex with trans women conflate trans women and cis twinks. Because remember what I said about twinks filling the niche of women? It’s often a niche they share with trans women, except trans women have it even worse, because they are actually women. My two cents is, if a trans woman wants to refer to herself as a twink, she’s more than welcome to. Just don’t go around calling trans women “twinks” unless they specifically say you can; it’s a gendered term, you are misgendering them, and, once again, you can fuck right off. (trans women also please comment if you want!)

Well, anon, I bet you weren’t expecting a post this long. At least I hope y’all learned something! Be gay do crimes!

[sweetbfs]

as a trans guy i get p dysphoric about my clothes, and ive tried wearing “””guy””” jeans for a while now but i dont think they help me much as passing bc im rather short (5’1”) so they tend to look a little baggy or loose especially when i sit down and i know clothes dont matter but some part of me tells me im not really trying when i want to wear my old jeans that actually fit :// (i also feel bad that my mom buys me jeans n i barely wear them) (i do enjoy the larger pockets tho)

as a trans guy with huge hips and a tiny waist, i’ve had so much trouble finding jeans that fit. not all guys jeans will look masc on you, and not all “girls” jeans will look fem on you. imo the best types of jeans are high waisted, plus if they’re too long i just cuff the ends up once or twice for added Gay Artsy look. in addition, the only thing you can do is try on guys jeans until you find the type right for you. belts help a lot, and you can find cheap and durable ones at h&m or target. as for “girls” jeans, try high waisted styles a size or two up. they should be baggy enough so they’re not skin tight, but not too baggy/loose. tbh i’ve had better luck w “girls” jeans, but you never know! try target, h&m, forever21, or old navy/gap. and don’t feel bad, at the end of the day it’s fabric and some types won’t always make your body look masc. good luck bud! - mod andy

Hey, I´m 5´1 and I have the exact same problem ! The thing about jeans is that you need to look for the right cut. Also, a good rule of thumb is that women´s run small and men´s run large - us short guys wanna aim right down the middle. If I´m in the women´s section I always look for boyfriend, straight leg, or relaxed fit jeans. In the men´s/boys sections, I look for skinny, tapered, sometimes bootlegs, or I try on enough jeans to find something that works.

Find something that can stay up without a belt, but fits perfectly when wearing one. Belts are a really ”masculine” accessory that not only can help you keep from looking frumpy, but that add a streamlined and professional look to your outfit as well. This is a tangent, but I´ve discovered (due to private school dress codes) the magic of belts as of late, and I´d recommend all guys out there pick up 2 belts - one brown, one black (there are some cheap & plain ones at Walmart - just make sure they fit). Also, it´s conventional to match your belt color to your dress shoe color. If you ain´t wearing leather shoes, you can forget about that.

Back to pants ! A fact of life for shorter guys is ill-fitting pant legs. For jeans, the easy way out it to cuff them, James Dean style. Rolled up legs don´t stick out or look frumpy so long as you style them right and that the cut of the jeans allows for a cuff that hangs closer to your legs rather than looking like Kevin Smith´s jorts. If you´re going the cuffing route, cuff them while trying them on in the store to make sure they look alright. If you think cuffing looks bad, you´re gonna have to have them altered.

Altering jeans isn´t as scary as it sounds. The easiest way is to just measure out the right amount and cut them off. It gives a worn and frayed look to the denim, as well as ensuring that you don´t trip on the long legs. If you hate the frayed denim trend, either you or a family member/friend are gonna have to seam the new pant legs - either by hand or by sewing machine. I´m rusty with my sewing skills, but there are plenty of youtube videos that can walk you through the process better than I can. If you don´t have that option, find a local tailor. Taking up pant legs is one of, if not the, easiest alterations out there, so it shouldn´t cost you much.

I know you only mentioned jeans, but I´m going to talk about slacks as well (sorry, like I said, I´m a private school kid). I never wore slacks before this year, aka my first year at Catholic school. They aren´t for everybody, I´ll tell you that much, but I´d recommend at least trying out one pair, preferably cheaply made and without a liner. Again, I get all of mine from walmart. It all depends on your fashion sense, but because my fashion sense lies along the lines of ivy-league dropout, slacks work great for me. Even if you´d never touch slacks with a 10-foot pole for street clothes, they work great whenever you´re going to someplace snazzy and want to avoid the possibility of having only skirts or dresses to wear, so try and find one pair that fits and you think are half decent. As my grandma said: better to have them and not need them, than to need them and not have them.

Because slacks aren´t denim, there aren´t many skinny-jean-like slacks in the women´s section - most are more relaxed. The men´s section tends to have slacks that run wider in the ass than most men´s jeans, at least from what I´ve noticed, so do be mindful of that as well. You can cuff slacks, but tbh I never do and always have mine altered. I´m just the opposite with jeans, if you were curious.

As for where to shop, I can´t recommend thrift stores enough. They´re cheap and have great selection, as well as it´s easier to convince parents to let you try on clothes there that they would think are silly (ie clothes that go along with your gender identity) then it is at a Macy´s or something, at least from my experiences. Also - Walmart is great (g-d knows I´ve plugged them enough in this post), but I also wanna mention Target. While Xmas shopping for my dad, I bought myself a nice dress shirt from their brand Goodfellows that fit great for being a men´s dress shirt, which are usually a nightmare for me. They looked to have some really nice stylish pants that I´d recommend peeping.

I had the same problem with guilt over unworn feminine clothes. Talk to your parents about your clothes ! Tell them that your fashion sense has been evolving as of late, or you want to try the current trend of more relaxed pants. It´s annoying, but it keeps them from buying clothes that make you feel dysphoric, and help improve your chances of your parents buying you clothes that you actually like ! Though I don´t celebrate Christmas, my mother got me clothes that I loved this year as a gift. Last year I hated every piece of clothing she got me, but everything this year was wonderful and masculine, and even though we have to go back to the store because nothing fit (lol), I was genuinely really happy with my clothes.

And clothes do matter. Since coming to the conclusion that I was trans, I gradually changed both my closet and my body language over the past years and they´ve helped me pass a lot better. Despite being 5´1, skinny as a rail, and a junior, I had everyone at my Catholic school (correctly) assuming I was a boy, and (incorrectly) assuming I was a freshman for a good 2 weeks at the beginning of the school year ! Passing doesn´t matter at all, unless passing makes you feel better. It´s a shitty, cisnormative ideal that can be easy to reach sometimes, and impossible to reach other times. But if passing helps alleviate dysphoria for you, as it does for me and a ton of other trans people, then I wish you all the best ! Oh, also, get a watch ! Don´t ask me why it works, I honestly have no idea, but I swear it made me pass like a dream when I started wearing one. Get a decent, gender neutral/manly watch that´s at least medium on the size scale between tiny ”women´s” and giant ”men´s” watches, and you pass SO much better. Drop $20 at, of course, walmart, hit up the jewelry section of your local thrift shop, ask your parents if they have any you might like - just get one.

It´s like 1am here and I spent ages typing out that monster of an answer, I hope that helps and is somewhat cohesive. G´night anon, good luck with your pants !

- Mod Llewellyn