#too handsome for my measly hands to channel

[sweetmapple]

Need them animated NAOW

[euphoria-vmin7]

tiger flower | jjk

pairing: jeon jungkook x reader 

genre/warnings: angst, hanahaki! au, non-idol! au, heartbreak, unrequited love, swearing, a n g s t

word count: 1,830

summary: tiger flower. it’s his birth flower. it’s the flower that you can’t have. 

rating: pg-15 (swearing) 

-- a/n: so this is my first submission for the BGW BINGO BASH! i was listening to crystal snow and then i got really inspired and so this was born at 2 am :) it’s for the “hanahaki!au” square. i hope you all like this! 

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ஓ๑♡๑ஓ 

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“Dammit (Name)!” Jungkook groaned, throwing his hands up in the air with utter disbelief. “Why the fuck did you kill me?!” 

You winced and shot him a glare. “I’ve never played this before!” 

“Well I wouldn’t have let you play if I’d known you’d suck this bad,” Jungkook tossed his controller to the side as you struggled to keep fighting on your own. Sadly, your character died pretty quickly without the help of the expert gamer next to you. You turned fully to grin at his angry scowl and punched his shoulder, which of course didn’t faze him at all. Stupid muscles. 

“Oh quit being such a baby, Kook,”  you teased, leaning back to lounge against his worn out couch. “It’s just a game,” 

“A game you suck at,” he muttered, standing up and heading into his kitchen. You chuckled at his salty tone. You had probably just broken his spotless winning streak or lost him his spot on the leaderboard or something trivial like that. Well, it was trivial to you, but obviously not to him. Jungkook lumbered back into the living room, shooting you a pointed glare before plopping down next to you. He tossed you a bag of chips and grabbed the remote to fiddle with the channels on his television. You raised your legs and draped them over Jungkook’s lap, an excessive show of making yourself comfortable that earned you another glare. 

“I don’t need your sweaty feet in my face while I’m eating my precious chips, (Name),” he snapped irritably. 

“Well there are a lot of things you don't need but you get them anyway,” 

“Fuck you,”  

Despite all his complaining, Jungkook didn’t make any move to get your feet off his lap, an action that made you grin when you realized it. You watched with a sweet concealed smile as he lazily shoved chips into his mouth, not minding how much he was spilling on his old grey hoodie. You chuckled quietly. What a slob. 

Technically speaking, it had only been about three weeks since you had last seen Jungkook. You both had headed to your hometowns for break to spend the winter holidays with your families, which was basically the only time you were apart. It had only been three weeks, and yet somehow it felt like lifetimes. Maybe it was because he was so deeply ingrained into your daily life. Maybe it was the play fights that normally ended with you holding an ice pack to your shoulder. Or maybe it was the spontaneous knocks on his apartment door at two in the morning with nothing but the pajamas on your back. Or maybe it was the hushed whispers of childish secrets under fortresses made of blankets and pillows. 

Or maybe, it was just him. 

Maybe it was because you just missed seeing that annoying yet frustratingly pretty face that told you he was up to no good. Maybe it was the disarmingly handsome and boyish smile that fueled the competitive rage within you. Maybe it was how despite all his tricky smirks and winks, he still looked like he was hand carved by angels when he slept, like they had put utmost care in crafting the most perfect human in the universe. 

Maybe. 

You should’ve known better than to let these thoughts fill your head once again. You could daydream about how much you hated and loved Jeon Jungkook for hours. If only he’d actually let you do it in peace. 

His fingers twisted mercilessly into the skin of your thigh and you yelped at the sting. It was partly your fault seeing as you had made it easy for him by putting your feet right in front of him. But still how dare he?

“Are you even listening to me?” he asked, letting his fingers rest after the sharp pinch. It was your turn to glare at him and you reeled your foot back to kick his knee, not too hard but not gently either. 

“No. I don’t listen to stupid things,” 

You knew what he was thinking: That’s such an eight year old thing to say.

Well joke’s on him. If you were eight years old then so was he. 

“I was asking you...” he rolled his eyes, leaning back to stare at the TV again. “...how your break was?” 

“It was good,” you smiled a bit. “Spent time with my family. Had my dad’s food after dealing with your horrible cooking for so long,” 

Instead of the same glare you had been on the receiving end of for the better portion of the night, Jungkook rewarded your statement with a good-natured chuckle. At least he knew his cooking was subpar. You grinned. 

“How about you?” 

“Ah y’know? Same thing as you. Spent time with the family blah blah. We went on a road trip,” 

“Nice,” you sighed, still smiling as you leaned back into the couch and closed your eyes. “You came back a week earlier than I did though,” 

“Yeah that’s because you and your family took that fancy trip to Europe,” he mocked and you smirked. 

“You could at least try to pretend you aren’t jealous,” 

Jungkook scoffed out a chuckle and began surfing his channels again, letting a comfortable silence overtake the both of you. Well, of course it was comfortable. Awkwardness was not a thing when it came to you and your best friend. Keeping your eyes closed for too long almost always led you to falling asleep, and you would have gotten there this time too, if it wasn’t for the sudden yell from the boy next to you. 

“Oh fuck, wait! I forgot to tell you!” he screeched, his eyes going wide. You jumped, eyes peeling open before scowling at him and punching his bicep. 

“What the fuck, Jeon? What is it!?” 

“So while you were gone...I did it,” he grinned, sitting up straight. Immediately, you knew what it meant. As much as you wanted to pretend like you didn’t get it, you knew. The way his cheeks began to slowly bloom with color was another huge giveaway. That only happened for one thing. 

“Shut up,” your jaw dropped, lips twitching upward. “You didn’t!” 

“I did,” he said proudly. His smile was so genuine, so real, and it made you so indescribably happy. And yet it didn’t. 

“And?” you pressed, moving to sit on your knees and grabbing his arm. 

“And…” he drew out with a concealed smile. “And she said yes!” 

You cheered loudly and he laughed, his arms naturally coming to wrap around you and give you a squeeze. You giggled at the feeling, the feeling of comfort that came from being next to him, with him. 

“Aw I’m so happy for you, Kookie,” you mumbled, smiling so hard your cheeks hurt. His laugh shook his whole body as you buried your face into his sweatshirt. 

“Thanks Peanut,” he chuckled. “I was so fucking nervous you should’ve seen me,” 

The thought of your normally confident and suave best friend being all flustered brought a smile to your face. Oh, how you wished you could’ve been the one to see it. 

“Yeah that’s because you’re scared of girls,” you teased. It was a running joke amongst Jungkook’s closest friends. A joke that obviously wasn’t very true. 

“And what about you?” he laughed. “Are you not a girl?” 

“I’m not that type of girl to you,” you smiled ruefully. 

“Nah,” he grinned, his eyes shining in blissful ignorance. “You’re my special girl,” 

But not that type of special. 

Other than the smile you gave him, you didn’t respond to that. You don’t know what to say to it anymore. You stayed there for a few more minutes, shamefully enjoying Jungkook’s arms around you. You hid your weak smile from him because he’d immediately be able to catch how upset it was. How selfish could you be to take advantage of his love for you? He loves you. You’re his special girl. He said it himself. He’s not lying. 

But you’re lying to yourself when you say that it means something. It means something. But not what you want it to.

How many times had you shakily typed into the search bar: How to confess to your best friend?

How many more times would you need to type before you realized what you already knew?

Jungkook gently pushed you off of him, not in a way that was intentionally cruel and yet somehow it felt that way. He stood up and stretched, a tired groan leaving his lips as he popped a few joints. 

“I’m going to bed. Are you coming?” 

“In a few,” you smiled, the facade taking over you easily. Of course, after all this time, the practice had made you a master at hiding. He grinned at you, the boyish grin that masked the tiredness in his eyes. Tired eyes that lit up when they looked at you. But sparkled and softened when they looked at her. 

You sat there on the couch for a while, a few measly minutes that felt as though they were stretched into long hours. Thinking like this, alone, was dangerous for you. No matter how many times you’d tried to clear it, Jungkook remained, his hold on you becoming stronger as every second passed. It wouldn’t get any easier in the future. You knew this and you knew it well. 

The pain in your chest came fast and familiar. You brought your hand up to your lips to muffle the sound of your harsh cough. Pulling it away, you looked down at the petals in your palm. 

Tiger Flower. 

Poetic isn’t it? His birth flower. You smiled at your palm. With your other hand, you reached into the small bag at your feet, the bag reserved for overnight stays at Jungkook’s house. The pamphlet you pulled out was curled at the edges and crumpled in certain areas due to how much time you had spent looking through it. 

Your mom had told you about the surgery as soon as the petals started coming. Everyone was worried, because they knew what would happen if you let it go. Everyone except him of course. Poor thing, he didn’t even know. 

You stood up and walked into the bathroom to dust the petals into the trash. 

You couldn’t bring yourself to let Jungkook go. There was no pain that would be greater to you. Jungkook was real and he was the only real thing that mattered to you. You were his special girl. How could you even think of letting him go? 

Chuckling to yourself, you made the decision and felt your heart tear. 

You grasped the pamphlet in both hands and tore it in half, then quarters, then eighths, until it was nothing more than uneven shreds in your palms. With a bittersweet smile, you dusted the shreds into Jungkook’s trash can, before following him into his room, ready to build another fortress of blankets.

.

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[ficsnroses]

Prompt Fic #19

❧ Summary : As your husband Keanu kisses you good morning, you reflect back on your first kiss, which just happens to be a very adorable story.

✽ Prompt : An awkward kiss shared after a first date. requested by @whyskeysour!

✽ Warning : just domestic fluff ugh i love husband Keanu sm

✽ Word Count : 1.3K

“Good morning, gorgeous.” Keanu smiles, stocky palm placed to your waist as he walks up behind, a gentle kiss peppered to your shoulder as you work. The kitchen windows allow an open breeze, summer flowers and rain cut morning grass dewy in the air. His cologne wafts a smoky crisp scent, one that had become far familiar over the course of the years.

“Morning.” You chirp, employed fingers clicking to the keyboard below, blue light channeling your reading glasses. From the peripherals of your orbs, you catch glimpse of his leather jacket shrugged on, chocolate eyes inquisitive in search for the key bowl. “You going somewhere?” Inquiring, you turn in your chair with a soft frown.

“Just to run an errand,” He returns, slick hand raked through his shadowy mane with a tinged smile cast your way. Keanu’s eyes seemed to sunny up when he’d be around you, no matter the fret. Often, he’d find it tough to begin his day without stealing a kiss from his favourite woman, and a few warm words before departing. “Be back in 20.” He assures, giving you a gentle nod before heading toward the door.

“Alright, drive safe please.” You voice, attention reverted back to your project. You’d wait for his 8:30am return, just in time for your routine morning coffee shared together. Over endless debates as to which roast you’d brew each morning, Keanu and you had shared quite a large sum of morning coffees together over the years.

You’d shared a lot together over the years.

To the steady tap of your inquisitive finger pads, you hear a thud of footsteps linger near in an apparent rush your way; eyes turning to perceive Keanu back within a measly few seconds from when he’d departed. “Forget something?” You wonder, locking gaze with his cocoa tinted return.

“I didn’t kiss you.” He sighs sheepishly, warm smile coated to his soft features. Over the years, his beard habituated a salt and pepper dotting, yet only managed to make him handsome as ever in your books. Age looked good on him, reminded you of just how long you’d been entwined, how long it had been since he’d become a part of you. “I love you.” He mumbles against your rosy lips, feeling your smaller hand daubed to his bearded cheek as you hold endearingly, softly smiling.

“And I, you.” You return, feeling his full lips place a quick peck to your forehead before waving a goodbye, hurried out the door.

Morning kisses had been a routine. Since your first, you’d quite possibly shared a million sweet, loving, honey seared kisses. You still remember your first- the conclude to the starry night that prevailed on your creaking porch step, his hand still held in yours as he wished you goodnight.

~

 “I uh,” A timid Keanu barely voices, gaze downcast to the oak floor below. “I had a really nice time with you today.” Shy, his timid orbs finally lock to your warm, sincere ones, a loving smile plastered to your face. For a first date, tonight had been surreal. He’d taken you out for a meal in town, followed by a night trip to the carnival, where fireworks and fairy lights of a million stars flooded each wonderstruck nerve in your body. He’d taken you on the Farris wheel, accompanied you with a walk along the boardwalk, waves crashing shore leaving a delicate mist to your body, covered by his leather jacket.

And through it all, he’d never let go of your hand.

He held it all night, as if the most prized trophy above all. A silent reassurance of how awestruck he’d already become by the woman with those rosy lips and the voice that dripped sap, honey kind smile one he prayed he’d be able to keep around for a long, long time.

“I had a really nice time too.” You grin, moonlight casting down, glowing on his features. A mere couple inches apart, your faces linger, hand in hand as you wait for Keanu to make a possible move. You’d prayed he’d kiss you, so badly.

You couldn’t remember a time you wanted someone so greatly, so endearingly. With Keanu, it all seemed to melt away. Whatever worries of the day, whatever troublesome thoughts. Where he was, was quite simply where you wanted to be.

He felt like home, in a mere 4 hours spent together fresh.

With the gentle midnight eve breeze filtering around, soft against your bare skin, your lips inch closer, Keanu’s hand nervously planted firm to your waist as he leans in close, breath hot on your skin, lips barely grazing before you delve in, connecting his delicate lips with yours in a cautious kiss. The kiss is gentle, shy, smooth and lingering,

before your eyes widen, pulling away in a gentle nudge. His eyes had gone worrisome, palm retracted from your waist as worry washes, snapping waves of guilt over each inch of his being. “I’m so sorry, did I do something?” He barely manages, voice quiet above a whisper in the silent dark.

“No no,” You wave, dismissing. “It’s just...” With a smile creeping your lips, you huff a small chuckle before connecting stare with him again. “Your lips were really minty and I just got a little surprised.”

Keanu lets out a meagre embarrassed sigh, eyes downcast to the woody oak before shoving his hand into his blue jean pockets. “Sorry…” He almost nods. “I just really wanted to kiss you tonight and I thought…” Breathing a chortle, he waves his hand. “Nevermind. It was a dumb move, sorry.” Watching him loath, you realize your hand is still held secure in his…

With your grip gentle, you offer him a reassuring squeeze, fingers interlaced within his, voice quiet to a giggle. “No, it’s sweet.” You promise, inching in closer again, eyes intent on a stray piece of his coffee hued hair that loiters near his eyes.

“Its just…” He begins, tense to the touch. “It’s been a while since something like this even felt…okay.” He explains, shaking his fearful head. “I feel okay with you, Y/N. Like everything in the world is just…good. You make me feel good.” Chuckling he firms his grip on your petite hand as well, gently, softly. Lips curling a smile, you glance to his car parked in the drive way, feel of his leather jacket still heavy on your shoulders. Voice quiet, you propose, coming in close to his much broader figure. “How about you come inside, and we try that again?”

And with a relieved smile, Keanu’s lips delicately embed a small kiss to your forehead, mocha orbs shining under the AM moon glimmer. “I’d really like that.”

~

Snapped out your thoughts, you perceive the clunk of the front door shut, thudding footstep inching your spot on the kitchen counter again. Eyes warm, you watch your husband, of 10 years retire his keys to the designated spot in the key bowl, AM sleep withdrawl still peppered to his features. Arms outstretched, you urge him over, giggling. “Come ere, old man.”

And with his arms looming around your smaller frame, his lips place a gentle kiss to your arm wrapped around his neck. “Old man?” He chuckles, interrupted by your adoring lips connecting to his in a passionate, honey scorched kiss. Heartfelt, your hands soothe to his mocha hair, gentle tangling the shining strands in a delicate tug, tongue threatening to venture past the barrier of his locked lips in a love sodden ballet. Briefly breaking the kiss, Keanu’s arms stay closely positioned to your body, holding you with care as his face looms inches away, cheekily stating. “You’re in a mood today.” Brow brazenly raising with a smirk stippled to his lips.

“Yeah?” You giggle, kissing him again before sarcastically reminding; your hand taking hold of his stockier one for the millionth time since you’d married him.

“At least I didn’t prepare with the entire world’s supply of breath mints, you handsome goof.”

➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴

My taglist will be posted in reblogs, let me know if you want to be added or removed! :)

[susoftjockau]

Bold of you to assume I won’t ask for a fic with Steven in a dress and Connie in a suit. Do it. PLEASE.

The dormitory wasn’t sleepy at this time of night. In fact, it was usually bustling. When classes were finished – usually by the evening – each dorm mate would drop their bags in their rooms and then start cramming in for studies, finals, extracurriculars they inevitably knew were a priority in the end. Out came the hustle and bustle with coffee cups and brewed tea as the time ticked by on the clock above the main living room. Each roommate in the complex had their enjoyment, their practicality, but in the end one usually knocked themselves out onto a desk, not wanting to move or even talk.

That wasn’t one of the reasons why it was active at a time like this, however. Sure, Connie noticed two of her roommates lounging upstairs on the balcony, enjoying the nightly view with their makeshift desk lights, and Carly was watching a documentary on the lifespan of ducks in the main lobby (for reasons only Carly would comprehend), but another guest occupied themselves in one of the rooms – her room.

“Steven?” She was situated outside of it, tapping her foot against the floor in a silent beat. Steven had been stuck inside for half an hour, it shouldn’t take that long just to put on a simple dress, right? From what she’d seen, there weren’t any fine trimmings or other forms of accouterment that went alongside it; it was just a simple, pink dress. “Are you finished?“

“Just a minute,” he said.

“Okay. I just don’t want us to be late for this.”

“Don’t we have all the time in the world for a walk?”

“We could, but we have classes tomorrow.”

“Oh, true.” Connie couldn’t help but chuckle. “But give me a few minutes, I’ll be out, I promise!“

Connie waited. She plucked a lint brush out from her suit pocket, cleaning up the lint that speckled her right lapel. Ever since Natalie had gotten it for her, she kept a close eye on it – carefully discarding it at the end of an event, keeping note of the cufflinks in case they popped off, primming it with a curling iron, cleaning it of fuzz. There was confidence in adorning it in public, around people, around friends. It made her want to stride around campus with a smooth gait, taking in the night with a lack of care in the world.

But she didn’t want to walk around campus alone; there’s a reason she was waiting for Steven, after all.

"Steven, are you–?”

The door opened. Moving out of the way, she was hit with the pink. Pink. A lot of pink. It was the simple dress that Steven had picked out from the mall a few weeks ago, but she never expected it to have an effect on her; there weren’t any frills or ripples of specks found amidst the fabric, it was just a simple dress – flowing at his knees, legs shaved to smooth complexion, star buckled onto the mid-center. She couldn’t help but suck in her breath at the sight: his form framed completely without a wrinkle in sight, eyeing the muscles that hid well but peaked out when he twirled and inspected himself. He looked handsome. Beautiful. 

“What do you think?” He spun in front of her, the dress fluttering around him like a cascade of petals. Connie was going to implode if he did another twirl for her; her face was already red as a tomato. “Too much? Too little?”

“Just right,” the words escaped her before she could even comprehend them. “I…just wow.”

He beamed at her. It’s a smile full of radiance, the kind that would brighten her day like a flick of a light switch, it didn’t help that his dress added to it – making her chest burn and toil with the heat in her cheeks and the smile on her lips, watching him like he was about to slow dance or propose her to a friendly night out. He was perfect, absolutely perfect – not devoid of flaws, she reminded herself, but he was still perfect. “Good, I spent a lot of time making sure it was just right!”

He was the type of person to do that, spend his time perusing the aisles with a critical eye, mumbling about fabrics and twine and stitching like he knew his stuff whole-heartedly – and he did from what she was hearing right now.

She noticed his gaze. Even with his glee over wearing his attire, his attention was fully on her, on her dark suit that hugged her features and broadened her size to something confident and striding. It took a few seconds for him to come back, cheeks flushed pink. “You…you look amazing.”

“Thanks.” She grinned at him, her voice cracking a bit. “You look amazing too, just…wow, you’re very handsome.”

“Awwww, I am?”

She giggled. “I’d never lie about it.”

Both of them exchanged nervous grins.

“Can you both gaze lovingly outside?” They jumped at the new voice. Well, it wasn’t new, she remarked, it was just her smartass of a dorm mate, Carly, piping up from the couch. “I want to understand the world of ducks and you two are ruining it.”

“I guess we have to go,” Steven gave a playful snort. “Don’t want to disturb her.”

“Now hold on.” She stopped Steven before he could stroll out the door. They were going to leave anyway, but she wasn’t going to miss an opportunity to argue, especially if it came to her. “Carly, we have a right to be here like anybody else.”

“Yeah,” Carly didn’t look away from the screen, which had two ducks swimming around in a lake, “but if you’re not interested in watching how ducks mate and behave then what’s the point?”

Connie scrunched her nose. “You have a TV in your room, why are you watching it here?”

“Because the living room TV is always the better TV. We all know this.”

“It’s not that bad, it’s the same type of TV with the same definition and channels!” Connie’s voice cracked out of exasperation. “You have a huge laptop too, why can’t you watch it there?”

“Uh, guys?” Steven asked, but the two continued.

“Are we having the same discussion?” Carly quipped back. “I just told you that this TV is better, because the observation of ducks needs to be savored through high-definition, not the measly ratio of a dressing room monitor. You wouldn’t want to watch that anyway so why aren’t you guys leaving for your walk?”

“It’s not like I don’t want to watch the documentary!”

“Then watch the documentary with me!”

She choked up at that, looking at her with the same expression Carly loved to adorn when this happened – playful aggression. “Okay, you know what? This is stupid, we’re leaving. Come on, Steven.”

“You just said you wanted to watch!”

“Well, I don’t want to anymore!” Connie smiled to herself as she motioned Steven to the door, hearing her roommate groan something out before the door slammed shut behind them.

Silence. Cold, soothing silence.

The breeze tickled their necks. Looking up she could see the stars, specks of it welcoming them amidst the hazy lights from the dorm windows, each listening to the faraway sounds of crickets and nightly music.

“Well, at least we got out,” Steven bumped his shoulder to her. “You and Carly would’ve spent the entire night arguing if I didn’t butt in.”

“I knew what I was doing.” Connie grinned. “But you’re right, absolutely right; I would’ve burnt the floor she stood on if I had a few more minutes.”

“More like hours.”

“Hey, I don’t need your sass, Steven.”

“But then it wouldn’t be fuuunn.”

 The two looked at each other, both starting up into giggling messes as they took in the time. When the two settled down, they took their chance – one giving a playful curtsey of his dress, the other bringing out their hand, delighted at her best friend’s surprised (albeit faux) gasp.

“May I have this walk?” She cooed, giving him a quick wink.

“Oh, yes my knight!” He swooned, leaning against her in a playful sway. “Take me away from this dangerous place!”

With it, their arms interlocked, and they went out into the night.

- @borkthemork 

[mysweetestcreature]

Tomorrow Never Knows (President!Harry) Chapter 8: Head Over Feet

(Banner by the wonderful noblewomankat!)

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Masterlist

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Thursday, November 13, 2008

In the heat of the blistering summer just before the start of ninth grade, Y/n had experienced her first kiss. It really isn’t anything she would brag about –– she might say that it doesn’t count at all –– just a measly three seconds of her nervous and shaky lips grazed against the red Gatorade doused mouth of Zachary de Gala during a harmless round of spin the bottle. Not much of that night was memorable, maybe with the exception of the cheesiest pizza she’d ever had the pleasure of stuffing down her throat (but that’s an entirely different love affair to be discussed at a later date). 

Her second kiss...well, it was more of an almost second kiss, one that had been interrupted by a cute little six-year-old with an addiction to Neapolitan cupcakes and a knack for capturing the attention of every soul in the room. From the top to bottom of her smallest nail, that’s how close their lips had been to touching. If her brother had only interrupted them two seconds later, or if she’d been even the slightest bit more audacious with her actions, she’s almost certain that it would’ve happened. She still thinks about it quite often, even though she knows that she probably shouldn’t. After all, past is past. Right? 

But every time Harry’s cheeks would dimple, or his eyes would light up at the mention of particularly historic play by the Green Bay Packers, all she can do is sigh to herself because he really is so darn handsome. She just wishes she could do more with how she feels than keep these thoughts so kept that it’s only a matter of time until she loses her mind. 

Her dad, on the other hand, has no problem talking on and on. The way they intrigue about football and World War 2 (she had no idea that Jeremy was so knowledgeable on anything besides computers and NFL players), an outsider would think they’ve known each other for years. And maybe she shouldn’t be feeling a slight pang of jealousy with how easy the two have gotten on. After all, Jeremy had been ready to shut the door in his face when all Harry had wanted was to apologize to her for that pesky misunderstanding. 

Taking that into consideration, she would have never thought they’d be in this place not even a month later. She’s completely torn about how to act with Harry sitting so close beside her with her parents (and Mason) surrounding them at the dinner table. 

“You know, the Packers are playing on Thanksgiving this year,” Jeremy starts, twirling the seafood linguine around his fork. Y/n pauses just as her own utensil clinks between her teeth, eyes darting to her father as he continues to speak. “If you and your family aren’t doing anything, we would love to have you join us. It would be great to have someone to watch the game with who isn’t under four feet.” 

“Really?” Harry gasps, and the crevices in his cheeks concave once more. 

Y/n chokes down a gulp of water, just barely able to stop herself before she spits all her mouth’s contents onto her mom’s plate across from her. Three pair of eyes land on her –– the fourth and smallest pair staring intently at a noodle as it shrinks away through his lips –– and Harry is the one to lightly pat her on the back until the fit of coughs whimpers down. 

“Are you alright?” his eyebrows lift up in concern. Unable to say anything in return, she simply nods and strokes down on his arm as though to tell her that everything is fine. 

Olivia doubles up in amusement but shields it away with the use of a napkin. As if anything could ever be kept from a mother, it’s a lesson every parent will come to understand once they have kids. “That sounds like a great idea!” she elates, but she remains glued to the image the two teenagers exchanging bashful grins as they recoil touches under her husband’s watchful eye. “What do you think, Mase?” 

Face covered in an abundance of marinara sauce, the little boy perks up and displays his teeth for everyone to see. His mom rolls her eyes, taking a napkin and giving him a good wipe down until only the dried streaks remain. Mason grunts, pouting as he tries to break free of the attack. She turns back to the rest of the table. “Hard to say no to a face like this, huh?”

***

“I knew you were into art and stuff, but wow,” Harry stares in awe at all the sketches and paintings that adorn the walls of her bedroom. From pieces he’s seen her work on during lunch, to new and surprising scenes decorated on canvas, he can feel a part of her in each one. “Hey,” he smiles, stopping to admire one in particular. “You finally finished it.” He’d never say it out loud, but something about it makes him feel nostalgic, brightened. It’s almost like he’d seen this image in a book, or maybe in person if he can only remember when and where. 

He looks over his shoulder, only to find her in a complete daze as she stares ahead without true intent. “Y/n?” No answer. Only the sound of gentle inhales through the nose is what keeps the room from drifting into barren silence. The look on her face is far too serious, like all her energy is being channeled into such deep and unwavering concentration. Slowly making his way towards her, he ducks his head lower, trying to intercept the line of her gaze. 

“Wha-” her eyes blink furiously as she snaps out of her trance. For a moment she almost forgets where she is. She shakes her head as to rid herself of the confusion, suddenly becoming aware of all that’s around her. As she meets Harry’s eyes, her lips turn up ever so delicately. “Did you say something?” 

A cheeky smirk spreads across his face. “Only the plans for my next murder,” and he taps the underside of her chin, then curls his finger along the edge. 

“As long as you don’t make me dig up the grave, I won’t say a thing,” she says with a tilt of the head. They hold the gaze, finding comfort in the silence that falls between them. 

Would right now be the best time to ask her? After all, he’s rehearsed it over a dozen times in front of Maxxie (and Cici when she’s not in one of her moods). There’s just an overwhelming desire that blasts through him like lightning, only this keeps occurring whenever he’s able to hold her or even just be a few inches away. He’s pathetic, he knows that, and maybe half of their grade knows it as well. But he could care less what anyone thinks because he hasn’t felt so content ever in his life. 

“I wanted to ask you something,” he begins, slowly lowering his hand from her face until it’s relaxed in his front pocket. 

She cocks an eyebrow as she falls back to sit on the bed. “And what’s that?” she wonders, crossing her legs under her bottom. He lets out a nervous chuckle as he sits beside her. It feels strange to him, the mattress beneath him is almost too soft under his weight. He bounces a bit, as though to test its form as a possible cloud. To be honest, he’s never really stayed so long in a girl’s room before, let alone make himself comfortable on her bed. 

“So, you know how there’s this...you know, this thing next month,” he blushes, already feeling his nerves begin to startle him. 

“Go on,” she prods, doing her utmost best to hide her eagerness. 

The back of his hand brushes along where her knee touches the side of his thigh like a feather. His mouth quirks to the side as he looks up from his actions.

Her eyes gleam with an innocent curiosity, as she gnaws on her bottom lip. She bops her head in anticipation. “C’mon! Don’t just leave me hanging!” And she nudges playfully pushes on his arm. 

“Well, I just wanted to know if you’d maybe consider–”

“Hey, I just packed your bike in the trunk. Are you ready to go?” 

His eyes squeeze shut as his head drops in mild annoyance. They turn to Jeremy leaning coolly in the doorway, his keys dangling from his pointer finger, legs crossed at the ankles. Harry is almost positive that he’d been listening in the hallway, there’s just no chance that he’d be so unfortunate to get interrupted, now of all times. But he’s also become exceedingly paranoid since spending so much time home alone. 

Y/n looks between Harry and her dad. “Um...” she sounds, “Just tell me tomorrow in Algebra?” 

***

Friday, November 14, 2008

“Do you want to go to the dance with me?” 

“There’s a formal in a few weeks, right? Would you want to go...as my date?”

“I was thinking that it would be pretty cool if we went to formal together. What do you say?”

“If you were planning on going to the dance, maybe you’d want to go with me?”

Harry doesn’t think he’s ever hated himself more than he does right now. It’s bad enough that it started raining halfway on his bike ride to school (and that’s not even mentioning how damn cold it is outside), but he thinks the worst part is being put in an all too familiar position. The last time he’d hesitated with Y/n, she hadn’t spoken more than a few words to him over the course of two weeks. Of course, he has a certain red-headed cheerleader to thank for that, but he won’t mention her name at this time. Except now it’s like every single word to leave his mouth makes him want to knock himself over on the head.

The goal is to be straightforward, but he also wants to make his proposal at least somewhat romantic. That’s what every girl wants, right? To be treated well and make this kind of thing memorable? He’d seen a few of the seniors with posters and large bouquets of flowers for their girlfriends when they’d ask them. Does Y/n expect that kind of gesture? Or would that be too much considering he still hasn’t told her that he likes her beyond the boundaries of simple friendship? 

“Just end me,” he groans, banging his head against his locker door. “Put me out of my misery.” The cool metal will at least soothe his aching head as he comes up with a better way to ask her to the dance. How hard can it be, really? It’s not as though he hasn’t had any experience at all. There have been at least a few times where he’d asked a girl he liked to the mall or ice cream or a middle school dance. Why is this any different? Actually, he knows why, but he refuses to say it out loud in fear that he’ll end up jinxing it all. 

“There you are!” 

“Shh!” he hushes, covering his eyes with his forearm. Now really isn’t the best time, not when he’s desperate to get himself together by second period. “Not too loud, aye? I already have a migraine.” 

Maxxie retreats a few steps back, shifting his weight from side to side. “Okay then...” he says unsurely, digging the toes of his shoes into the freshly waxed floor. “I was just going to ask if you were ready for today? Because the bus is leaving in like twenty minutes so...”

“Excuse me?” Harry’s jaw drops, snapping his head up to look at his friend. “Why am I getting on a bus?” 

“Debate with Bayview? Literally all Mr. G’s been talking about for weeks? Pretty important?” 

Harry rummages through his bag for his planner. “That’s next week, though!” He swears he has it marked on the twenty-first of the month! This just can’t be right! He’s usually so on top of these things because of all the activities he’d been taken on since the start of the year. The competition isn’t meant to happen until the... “You’ve got to be shitting me...” Next time he’ll be sending alerts to his phone. 

“Don’t tell me you forgot! You’re literally the best one on the team! Dude, tell me we’ll win this!” Maxxie begins to panic as he brings his fingers to his mouth and bites anxiously on his nails.

“Chill, will you? It’s not that I’m worried about,” Harry sighs heavily, closing the book harshly and tossing it aimlessly into his bag. 

Maxxie pats his friend on the back. “No luck, I’m guessing?”

“It’s like her family knows when I’m about to do something! First when I wanted to kiss her, then when I was going to ask her to formal,” Harry shakes his head as he shuts his locker. He checks the time on his watch, another heavy sigh puffing out of him. “Hopefully we’ll get back before lunch.”

***

“The U.S. Supreme Court has legalized gay marriage, but the issue is still widely debated across the country. At the center of the debate are what the true definition of marriage is and whether gay couples are permitted the same rights and benefits as married heterosexual couples. Some question whether this is a legal issue or a religious issue.”

Harry stands at the podium that oversees the entire auditorium. So many eyes watching him as though he were a caged creature at the zoo. To his left, he sees his teammates, all signaling him their signs of encouragement. The papers in his hands contain all the factual evidence he’ll need to support his argument, but it doesn’t make the constriction in his chest feel any less prominent. 

*** She hadn’t thought much of it when Harry hadn’t been at their lockers before homeroom, although, she had been a bit tardy this morning since Mason had come down with a sudden case of the sniffles. When he hadn’t shown up to Algebra and then Spanish, she started to worry just a bit –– okay, a lot –– but only because he’s usually quite punctual.

It’s just after eleven, and he’s usually here watching her while she bakes whatever goodie Miss Genevra has challenged her to make, or at least doing some last-minute homework on the bench. Yet, here she is, all to her lonesome self, mixing her cookie batter by hand because all the electric mixers are in use. Her arm feels a bit achy, but it’s a pain she can ignore as she continues to think about where on earth her curly-haired crush might be.

There’s one thing that’s been really bothering her since last night, and that’s all to do with the unsaid question she already has an answer for. Because of course Cici gave her the hint that Harry has been meaning to ask her to the dance. (More like sent her a long and detailed text about how Harry had forced her to pretend that she was her while he practiced how to go about asking her.)

“If he doesn’t grow a pair and just do it, I swear I’ll shave all that beautiful hair off,” she had written in conclusion.

***

Harry studies his notes one last time. “What is the definition of marriage? According to Merriam Webster, it’s the “state of being united as spouses in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law,”” he reads, then looks up, scanning the room with regard for the genuinely intrigued faces. “Nowhere in that sentence does it indicate a specific gender-gender requirement, nor does it exclude any individual of any background. Now imagine this, not being able to fully commit to the person you love because there are some people that say it’s wrong.”

“The United States has claimed to implement equal rights into the everyday routine of its citizens, and that includes gender, race, religion, and sexuality. And yet, how can a country that defines itself by its desire for equality be so willing to stunt that privilege for a certain group?” he pauses momentarily. “We throw the phrase “freedom of speech” around so liberally, it’s a basic right that we as citizens of this country heavily agree on. Yet, when it comes to same-sex marriage, there’s still such a heavy dispute, and conservative bias becomes the dominant factor in its opposition.”

***

Just as she’s just balled up about a tablespoon of dough, her ears perk at the door swinging open behind her. Excitement takes over her, and she swiftly pivots on her heel in anticipation. 

“I’ve been looking for you all day!” she exclaims. It’s then she realizes that she’s made the same mistake she’d committed once before. She frowns, expression faltering as quickly as her shoulders. “Oh...” she hums, trying her best to hide her disappointment. “Hi, Jasper.”

The older boy smiles at her, placing his book bag on an abandoned bench before making his way towards her. 

“Why do I always feel like you’re always expecting someone else?” he teases, then snags a finger’s worth of cookie dough from the rim of the bowl. “Is this peanut butter?” he asks, face twitching just the smallest bit. 

“Yeah,” she replies, ignoring the first part of his spiel, gently placing another ball on the tray. Her goal is to make all her cookies as identical as possible, which means she had weighed each spoonful beforehand. “These are my brother’s favorite.” She just knows that Mason will gobble all these up when she brings them home at the end of the day.

Jasper slowly nods, bracing both hands on the surface as he leans forward. “I see,” he shrugs. “I’m more of an oatmeal raisin guy, myself.” 

She has to stop herself from grimacing, considering how Mason absolutely refuses anything with raisins in it. Once Jeremy had accidentally put a few in his oatmeal, and her baby brother had cried for ten minutes straight. Sometimes she can get away with putting a few in her carrot cake, but otherwise he’ll absolutely have a conniption. 

***

“The idea of a “normal” marriage only existing between a male and female has become flawed and out-dated. Marriage isn’t the same as it was a century ago, even fifty years ago. We as a society have evolved to become more and more accepting of the changes within ourselves and our peers. The American Psychological Association has continually shown its support for homosexuality and same sex marriage. It is to their belief that same sex marriage is perfectly natural, as opposed to the unnatural light that those in opposition to these rights choose to cast.”

***

“Anyway,” Jasper starts again, and he adjusts his tie around his neck and pulls his beanie down over the tops of his ears. “I actually stopped by to ask you something.” He inches closer until their arms are just barely touching. 

“What’s that?” 

***

“The debate of same-sex marriage stems from the words stated in the Bible. However, we must be reminded about the maintained separation between church and state. We have the right to practice our religion, but that does not extend to dictate how others choose to live their lives. It is the reason why such a demarcation exists. Who is one to tell another what is right from wrong? What is natural and unnatural? Love for another, whether that be between family members, friends, or lovers, is a force beyond the dictation of any religious belief. We are the so-called ‘melting pot,’ we take pride in the diversity that surrounds us, and we accept our neighbors for who and what they are. What doesn’t and what should never have variation, however, are the basic rights that each individual is entitled to.”

*** Her hand is suddenly encased by his much bigger one, and she inspects it with furrowed eyebrows before looking up. Only now does she notice the rose as it sticks out of his back pocket. 

“Y/n Y/l/n,” he announces, and all the other students in the kitchen stop what they’re doing to stare at them. He reaches for the rose and holds it in front of her. “Will you go to the winter formal with me?”

***

Harry steps off the stage, feeling much at ease. The looks on the judges faces as he was reciting the final lines of his argument looked very promising, and Mr. G had congratulated him as soon as he’d rejoined the others.

“Never doubted you for a second!” Maxxie cheers.

“Yeah, okay,” Harry chuckles. He glances down at his watch and smiles. “I think we’ll make it back in time.”

***

[thezachrogers]

The worst 10 movies of 2016

2016 was really the year of stinkers than it was for good movies. Fortunately, I knew to stay away from most of them. If the trailer reveals too much and it’s so star-studded and CGI driven it almost looks stupid (because it is); then check yourself before you wreck yourself; do NOT watch those movies. The movies I called to be stinkers that I did not see and friends told me they did stink are:

Passengers

Assassin’s Creed

Now You See Me 2

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2

Mother’s Day

Zoolander 2

Ghostbusters: Answer the Call (total reboot, yet Sigourney Weaver, Dan Akroyd, Bill Murray, and Ernie Hudson all appear in the film as different characters; stupid.)

INDEPENDENCE DAY 2: RESURGENCE: If Will Smith said no to it to do Suicide Squad (TOTAL STINKER) instead, then it had to be bad.

The 5th Wave

The Divergent Series: Allegiant: Before the third installment to this less than mediocre franchise released, Lionsgate announced they were selling the rights to Disney and were going to release the final film (4th and 5th installment) as a TV season with a whole new cast…yea, no thanks.

Warcraft

London Has Fallen

Gods of Egypt

Max Steel

Noticing a trend here folks?

Every movie with the exception of Passengers is not original. Either a sequel to a mediocre movie, or a movie based on videogame or teen novel. Do not waste your time on these films. They are crap, all of them, no matter who is in them.

Yea, I love Jennifer Lawrence, Chris Pratt, Jeff Goldblum, and Mark Ruffalo; but that’s what Marvel movies are for folks!

The following top 10 list is based on what I saw! Again a few of these movies were not terrible, just not the best. #9 and #10 were movies that I could have waited for TV and/or Netflix.

10. X-Men: Apocalypse 3 Stars (7.1/10 on IMDB, 48% on Rotten Tomatoes)

Not a terrible movie, not the worst in the X-Men franchise; just not the best. With the follow up to the BEST X-Men film (Days of Future Past), and the second film in the X-Men Cinematic Universe in 2016 (Deadpool being the first), there were high expectations on this film. It just didn’t meet them.

Apocalypse is not The Last Stand or X-Men Origins: Wolverine; it is not flat out terrible. It just did not meet anyone’s expectations. Oscar Isaac; as good as he is, played a terrible villain, which is so disappointing because he was so good in 2015’s Ex-Machina. Fassbender’s Magneto is still so kick ass as well as Lawrence’s Mystique. Hugh Jackman has hands down the best five minutes in the entire movie. And the post-credits scene was a very exciting set up to March 2017’s Logan. Again: not a bad movie! Just not the greatest. There was WAY too much CGI and WAY too much 1963 Batmanesque cheese lines. Same bat-time, same bat-channel, lots of crap like that. I would wait for this to come out on FX in 2018 to watch. The only reason I would watch is continuity to set up Hugh Jackman’s finale in this beloved franchise; Logan.

9. The Secret Life of Pets 2.75 Stars (6.6/10 on IMDB, 74% on Rotten Tomatoes)

Great airplane movie or TV movie. Not missing much if you don’t watch on rental or in theaters. I love animated films, and some great ones came out in 2016, but this movie just tried too hard in all the wrong places. Kevin Hart’s bunny was over the top as expected, no problem there, but Jenny Slate again in an animated film with animals who can talk? Really Illumination? You want to be Zootopia that bad? And you want to try AGAIN with Sing? It’s pretty pathetic. You’re going to get Albert Brooks to voice a character too (Marlon in Finding Nemo/Dory) The placement advertisement for NBC/Universal shows and movies like Fallon, Saturday Night Live, Seinfeld, The Voice and a blatant movie poster on a public transportation bus for Sing was so shriekingly stupid, I wanted to hold my middle finger up to screen. The good sides of this movie was that the dog characters were cute and the animation was good. That’s it. Illumination should wait a little longer before branching out of Despicable Me and Minions. I wouldn’t have seen this movie in theaters or on iTunes. Wait for Redbox and if you can on TV in 2018 folks.

8. Me Before You 2 Stars (7.5/10 on IMDB, 58% on Rotten Tomatoes)

I love Emilia Clarke, but she cannot choose a good film script to save her life. This movie makes me have very low expectations for the standalone Han Solo film due out in 2018. What a piece of crap this move is. What a piece of crap this story is. SPOILER ALERT: she fails at motivating the guy to live and love again. He commits suicide and gives her money in his will. What kind of a story is that? Why the hell would anyone want to read or watch this trash?

The acting felt like a chick-flick/rom-com with these two young up and coming actors, but the story just did not help. A matured and handsome Neville Longbottom was about the only upside of this movie. Lord Tywin Lannister himself (Charles Dance) couldn’t even deliver. This movie was trash. Wife hated the ending. I quote her saying “The end makes me want that two hours back.” There you go folks. If you like depressing romantic movies with lifetime movie/porno acting and no happy ending, this is your film! If not, don’t bother.

7. The Huntsman: Winter’s War 2 Stars (6.1/10 Stars on IMDB, 17% on Rotten Tomatoes)

I originally thought Snow White and the Huntsman would not have been garbage if it wasn’t for Kristen Stewart’s fugly frozen face with no emotion. I was wrong. The Huntsman was an even bigger turd. This movie was set up as a prequel/sequel to its predecessor. Yea, I know it doesn’t make sense, it didn’t work on screen either. I had to Wikipedia what exactly happened with the story after I finished the movie. This was another movie with too many A-listers and CGI to be any good. This movie was Warner Brothers throwing more money in the garbage to compete with Disney’s live action remakes. Warner Brothers takes another loss with their comic book universe (OH WE WILL BE GOING THERE TOO). Do not waste your time with this movie. Doesn’t go down as one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen because Jessica Chastain and Emily Blunt are just too good for that; but I prefer you just to watch Zero Dark Thirty and Sicario a second time than to waste your time with this turd.

6. Alice Through the Looking Glass 1.5 Stars (6.3/10 on IMDB, 30% on Rotten Tomatoes)

With Disney doing 16 films in 2016, surely not all of them were destined for greatness. Alice was the rotten one of the bunch. Another sequel/reboot to a mediocre film, Alice Through the Looking Glass was crappy CGI thrown up all over the silver screen with good costumes! I got it; it’s Attack of the Clones II! Horrible, horrible, horrible. 2016 may be the worst year of Johnny Depp’s life. With his mother’s death, his divorce, and his ex-wife’s domestic-abuse accusations, I don’t see how promoting this crap film made 2016 any better. I’m praying for big things for Johnny in 2017 (Seriously); I pray his career is resurrected with the fifth Pirates film, he enjoys touring with Alice Cooper and his super-group, and he has some a new year’s resolution to drop off some beer weight like myself. One of the worst of 2016, this film is not one you want to waste your time or money on.

5. Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice 1 Star (6.7/10 on IMDB, 27% on Rotten Tomatoes)

What a piece of crap. This movie was worse than Daredevil (2003), worse than Batman & Robin, worse than Punisher: War Zone, worse than Fantastic 4 (2015), worse than Ghost Rider. Yes, I need to say more. Screw Zack Snyder (director). Honestly, what a douchebag for making me hate a movie that comes out in modern day with all the brilliant actors and incredible technology and source content we have. Batman is my all time favorite character. I’ve been watching him as far as I can remember; since I could not walk. And Zack Snyder ruined every piece of what could have been good with this movie. To all of your Burton/Keaton fans, Campy Adam West fans, and Batman TAS fans; I’ve had enough of your garbage; Christian Bale’s performance and Christopher Nolan’s trilogy is the best on screen Batman ever. When we have something like that…why would you try to reboot it only 4 years later? And especially to not give Batman his own movie first…you put him in a Man of Steel sequel; it’s really offensive. All Batman fans should be offended by this turd of a movie. Superman has yet to have a fantastic live action movie. So why group Batman with that mess? It pisses me off. Henry Cavill’s Clark Kent reminds me of Hayden Christensen’s Anakin Skywalker from Star Wars Episodes II and III; such a whiny little wuss. Bro, YOU ARE FREAKING SUPERMAN; stop whining about why nobody likes you. Bro (Hayden Christensen), YOU ARE FREAKING DARTH VADER; stop whining about sand!

Ben Affleck does make a good Bruce Wayne; but his Batman costume is just the worst. Drawn on abs. Really? Bring back the nipples too please. As you can tell, I’m not going to see Justice League Part 1 due out in November or the Batfleck standalone. I’m done with DC. I’m done with WB for firing Nolan. My allegiance is with Disney-Marvel’s MCU, they haven’t disappointed me yet. If you want beautiful comic driven visuals, this movie has it. But, no one wants JUST THAT for 3 hours. Go smoke a bowl and read your comics instead, it’ll probably have the same effect.

4. Suicide Squad 1 Star (6.4/10 on IMDB, 26% on Rotten Tomatoes)

Gosh I hate the DCEU. I love the source content so much for me to rank this as #1 worst of 2016, but if it wasn’t for that, I would say this may be the worst movie I have ever seen. It’s hands down, the most disappointing movie I have ever seen. I knew Batman v Superman would suck, but I thought this movie would revive the DCEU, I was wrong. Warner Bros. marketed this entire film around Jared Leto’s Joker. And Jared Leto promoted the film centered on his character. WB made Leto’s character a measly cameo. Yes folks, in this 2 hour and 17 minute movie, Joker has 7 minutes of screen time. And it was 7 minutes too long. His character had nothing to do with the actual Suicide Squad other than Harley’s origin. Will Smith’s Deadshot was the real protagonist of the movie. It centered around him. So we get another Will Smith stinker. Yea guys, let’s be honest, Will Smith sucks now. He raised his son to be the biggest abomination to ever come out of Hollywood, and he has not done a good film in a decade (I Am Legend). His character was another (aw hell naw) felt misplaced, and Smith’s attempt to be gangsta, when he just isn’t. Your Hitch bro, just stop.

Margot Robbie is too hot to not watch this movie. Of course we all saw it, and we cannot admit that it sucks because of her. She is one of my favorite up and coming young actresses and she absolutely kills this role. She did such a good job it’s hard for me to rank this movie as the worst of 2016. The problems with this movie; where do I start? The marketing, the amount of plot holes, the villain, a character they literally created to kill off, the reason Joker was even in the movie, the ZERO respect they had for truly representing the source content for Harley and Joker’s relationship. Harley is supposed to a commodity/accessory to Joker’s madness and that’s it. But they made Harley Joker’s girlfriend and it just didn’t work. It also does not help that Jared Leto had to follow up to Heath Ledger. Ledger’s performance is arguably the greatest villain of all time. Leto was tatted gangster that wore make up and chains; that’s it. Not crazy nor sadistic, nor chaotic or psychotic; just a gangster. His character was a complete and utter joke. If you love the source material too much to not watch this film, I understand, if you just want to see Margot Robbie in short shorts and high heels and kick ass, I understand; but if you want to be entertained, do not watch this movie.

3. Sausage Party 1 Star. (6.4/10 on IMDB, 84% on Rotten Tomatoes)

For the record, I did not watch this film by choice, my wife rented it, and I watched it after I finished Hell or High Water. My ignorance got the best of me in that I knew nothing about it. And, I mean come on, Rotten Tomatoes gave it an 84%, how could it be bad?

Oh my gosh. Where do I start? The amount of childish sexual innuendos makes this movie look Donald Trump look like the Pope. This movie is full of “locker room talk.” This movie is point-blank offensive, immature, and stupid. And it was written by Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill; go figure. The animation is nothing great, the humor is cheap, not anything creative or new. Rogen’s attempts at making me laugh is quickly dying. Cussing, pot, and sexual humor gets old quickly. You cannot make the same movie over and over and put it in a different box and wrap with a nice shiny bow filled with a-listers. Seth Rogen must be stopped. This Is the End was the last movie he’s done that has made me laugh. The nostalgia of Pineapple Express, Freaks and Geeks, and Knocked Up is the only reason that movie caught my attention. This movie, I had no desire to see. Wife grabbed it at Redbox without my knowledge and I walked in on her watching it. I’d honestly rather walk in on her watching porn, at least we can have a good conversation from it. This movie was just a big “why?” She didn’t have an answer, and neither would I if I were in her shoes.

It is an R-rated animated movie with A-listers which is ironic, since we 99% see the opposite when it comes to the source content (G and Disney for dummies). Don’t see this movie, you’ll thank me for it.

2.  Quentin Tarantino’s 8th film .5 Star (really his 11th, I know the guy can’t count) The Hateful Eight (7.9/10 on IMDB, 75% on Rotten Tomatoes)

Tarantino said he would make 10 films and be done. He said this is the eighth BECAUSE: Kill Bills Vol 1 and Vol 2 is counted as 1, he’s not counting Death Proof as it fell under the “Grindhouse” 2 film presentation with Robert Rodriguez, and he is not counting his very first film starring himself. So, I’m hoping he doesn’t do any more stupid little projects and speed up to 10 so we can rid him from Hollywood.

Tarantino is over the top, he exaggerates reality making his own one, apparently all of his films are in the same “universe.” I don’t think Tarantino has given me any smiles since Inglorious Basterds. Another movie with Samuel L. Jackson, Michael Madsen, Tim Roth, and Walter Goggins, this movie with over the top bloody scenes did nothing for me. At least Django and Kill Bill were action packed, at least Inglorious Basterds had an incredible cast and was hilarious. I love that he used an Italian composer to try as hard as he could to make it feel like a spaghetti western; but it didn’t.

The whole movie takes place in a room, that’s right…in a room folks. Lots of blood, lots of not-so-mysterious mystery and lots of famous faces. This movie was like Tarantino was parodying his own genre of movies. It was so freaking dumb that it just pissed me off. Came out on New Year’s Day 2016, it kicked off what would be a pretty hateful year for many. Do not waste three hours of your time with this movie. You will want it back.

1.       The Lobster .25 Star (7.1/10 on IMDB, 90% on Rotten Tomatoes)

Sometimes you cannot trust Rotten Tomatoes. Nine out of Ten times they are right, this was the one time they were wrong. Top three worst movies I have ever seen in my life. This movie is a witty Cohen Brothers-esque adult version of The Hunger Games that was just plain weird. No, it was not funny, no it was not creative. It’s stupid. But guess what fam; STUPID GETS GOLDEN GLOBE AND OSCAR NOMINATIONS these days! Be honest with yourselves; if you saw it, HBO’s The Normal Heart was not good or well-acted. But in today’s day and age if you make a movie about gay people, you’re getting an Oscar nod. So, I guess now if you make a movie about something that’s just weird and stupid, you’ll get one too.

Here’s the synopsis: In a near-future’d dystopian world, to prevent over-populating, if you do not find a husband or wife at a certain age, you check into a hotel where you are forced to meet one in two months, if you don’t your body well be shredded an recycled for research and you will be turned into an animal (but not really, they will kill you, they just tell you that so you agree to the “transformation,” ie execution).

Yes, it is as stupid as it sounds. I never even finished the movie, I wikied the rest when there was about 25 minutes left, it wasn’t worth the rest of my valuable time.

I write this blog not to vent on how bad movies are, but I know YOUR time is valuable and it should be treated that way, not with garbage movies. Please take my word. I hope this blog was helpful. Please follow, like, share, comment! Bigger and better films to come in 2017! I will be your source! I have about 10 more films of 2016’s I will review before I crossover into 2017; stay tuned for those blogs!

Thanks guys!

Z