#too calm to be realistic

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia! You said that you need another vacation after this vacation, so I am not sure, how puppy situation, even if it partual custudy, affecting you ( may be you in panic when he is there and then recovering when he is not, and then round and round? ), but really, If you need another vacation, I hope you know we will be here to support you for it!

It's been nearly 4 weeks now since we got Toby so I feel like I can talk about this with a bit of a clear head.

(Talk of like an actual PTSD meltdown beneath the read-more, including self-harm mention - nothing graphic. There's zero obligation for anyone to read this, especially for folks who don't think authors should ever be honest about being people with issues):

So, I've been kind of quiet about aspects of this, but I have like severe treatment-resistant PTSD and C-PTSD, and puppies specifically are one of my triggers (especially if I'm responsible for them). The reason for that is kind of awful, and I don't really want to talk about some of the things I've experienced/been through that led to that, so let's just move onto the next part. You're kind of right anon, there has been panic while he is here lol.

As a result, I had a severe meltdown the first time I tried to adopt a dog many years ago now. Could not last 24 hours, needed weeks/months to recover.

But I've always wanted to share my life with a dog and I've been in a somewhat better space over the past year or so, and I thought I could maybe handle it better. I told myself 'if I can just get through that 24 hours I'll realise it's okay and it will all work out.' Anon I cannot tell you where this thinking came from, but it was wrong. Idk why past me was kind of naive enough to think this way but here we are.

No, after that 24 hours, it got temporarily better, and then I slammed into consecutive meltdowns, each one worse than the next, until the people around me were afraid for my life. I am still recovering from some of the harm I inflicted on myself during the last three weeks and likely will be for some time to come. The combination of a really intense PTSD relapse, as well as not being able to handle (as an AuDHD person) intense changes to my schedule basically compounded and I broke.

I made the decision to rehome Toby, and first contacted the people around me. Glen's mum said she wanted a dog, and had been specifically looking into dogs like Toby anyway, and so we decided this would be best because then I could still be involved (I love Toby to pieces).

After getting some space, I finally started to adjust, and have gone back to having Toby about 4~ days a week, with a view to going to about 6 days, with one day spent with my mum, or Glen's mum.

Today is the first day I was able to handle having him on my own for around 9.5 hours. And I'm here and able to write about it, so that's progress. He'll be here all day Sunday, and then Tues-Weds-Thurs-Friday. And from there a decision will be made as to where I'm at with my mental health etc.

I'm a bit more hopeful now that I might be able to keep him, but my PTSD is still very very bad. I'm having some nights where I'm simply not sleeping until 7.30am (even if he's not here), and my hypervigilance is crazy. Like, I am having so many auditory flashbacks it's stupid. So this is why I've been saying this break hasn't been very restful or productive. Because my mental health tanked like I detonated a landmine inside myself.

I didn't actually plan the two week break for Toby! That was just a coincidence honestly.

Unfortunately I have a lot of health conditions that respond very poorly to stress, so I'm dealing with those now too. And then additionally, in all of this, I had a breast scan / mammogram / ultrasound that has confirmed a suspicious lump I found a couple of months ago (breast cancer runs in the family), and I suspect I'm going to need a biopsy. I'll find out on Monday if that's the case. That's been in the background and hasn't been helping.

There's some other stuff going on that's not really worth talking about because these are the main things, but that's a good picture I think. It turns out 'just getting through the first 24 hours' doesn't magically make a severe PTSD trigger go away. And that forced exposure is not 'exposure therapy' - that's just reinforcing a trigger.

Anyway! I feel like I'm through the worst of it, and I am seeing glimpses of how my life could be richer if I keep getting through this. But...that's why I think another break. *smiles tiredly.* I have to wait a bit now for the PTSD / C-PTSD symptoms to settle down, and I also need to see what's kind of worsened after this. Realistically, with a relapse to this degree, it could take between 3-6 months to really start recovering, or to at least get back to where I was before December.

I hope with all my heart I can get there with Toby by my side. I love him so much.

(I want to add that Toby has never ever been in a position of harm at any point, and in fact I probably put myself in harm's way for his sake, because I wanted to provide solid continuity of care - in case anyone was worried about that).

Er so yeah! But I've picked up my writing again this week and have been able to do some like...things I'd been neglecting, and I feel more human again, I just hope I get some sleep tonight

[fragmentedblade]

I have so many screenshots of Kalpas' face I could reconstruct his face at this point, and I'm afraid to say I'm not sure his face is scarred

[loveryoushouldvecomeover-mp3]

saw this post a couple days ago about how a horrible incident that separated a friend group leaves them all changed and different and then yesterday my friend whom i lost after a horrible incident happened to me reached out and we had a conversation about how different and yet so alike we are now and jesus i feel so... strange. it was nice i think it was needed it's just so interesting we're not the same people we were and we haven't spoken in months and yet our inside jokes and shared childhoods hadn't gone away despite it all we're different and despite it all we're still the same. god

[hikaaa-bi]

btw. this might seem like a crazy take but. people are allowed to dislike some of the characters. okay? if you like them, cool. but maybe stop getting so worked up over a stranger on the internet saying that a particular character is annoying.

[keeps-ache]

could be cool !!

[backpackofposts]

Similar to how the Minecraft cave spider is slightly smaller than the average spider model, I think glow squids should have a smaller model than the normal squid

[bangcakes]

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[eldritchazure]

It’s Day 6 of Dominionweek!! I skipped yesterday because I was absorbed in crocheting, but I’m back now!! Enjoy today’s prompt, which is Sacrifice!!

•••

Everything had happened so quickly.

There had been sudden movement, a flash of metal in the sun, and Lizaan barely registered that he was throwing himself in front of the Founder as a shot rang out. Everything had moved so fast that it made his head spin. Or perhaps that was the blood loss.

Lizaan was now laying flat on the ground, the marble floor cold against his back. The back of his head hurt a bit from the fall. But that pain was quickly overshadowed by the burning in his chest. He lifted the hand he had pressed against it and saw it was stained a darker purple than usual. It must’ve been a projectile weapon as opposed to a phaser, then. Phaser wounds didn’t bleed, they cauterized. He wheezed a bit and his hand fell back. For all the burning in his chest, the rest of his body was awfully cold.

Lizaan’s gaze drifted up and he saw the Founder looking down on him dispassionately, haloed by the alien sun above. His lips twitched up a little as familiar wonder bubbled up inside of him, delirium and shock causing him to liken the image above him to the ones he had seen in photos of stained glass windows in the human temples, displaying their false gods and prophets. Was that blasphemy? That was probably blasphemy. He should stop, immediately.

Lizaan wondered if the projectile weapon would’ve been able to even injure the Founder, but he found that didn’t care. 

That didn’t matter. What mattered was that nothing should so much as attempt to harm a Founder, and it was Lizaan’s job to ensure that.

He let a strange calm settle over his mind and muddle his thoughts. He was deaf to the panic and commotion from the crowd. As his consciousness began to drift away, he could’ve sworn he heard a quiet, toneless voice in the back of his mind.

“Well done, good and faithful servant.”

Lizaan let his eyes fall shut.

“Rest now.”

Lizaan did.

[zephyr-paladyn]

holy shit some of you need to just stop going to genshin if you want unrealistically buff men LMAOOOOO

[sidhedust]

Posting this since it’s scraps from an idea I had. I scrapped it since it’s redundant, and the backgrounds I want to do don’t allow for it.

The plan was to have characters stand in the background in a neutral pose, kinda like a line up so you know who’s around to be spoken to (FE Echoes style). And then when you click them, you can talk to them. However, this lends itself to a kinda panoramic view of the area you’re in, and I want to do backgrounds that give a sense of scale/a more general overview of the whole scene, so now it’s just like Ace Attorney.

Anyways, I retooled it into a character design sheet of some sort lol. And into an excuse to post a New Guy. I could infodump about him, but for now I’ll just leave it lol

[girlivealwaysbean]

bestie is coming home on 1st im having thoughts

[llycaons]

this is definitely bc I'm coming at it as a fan of the live action and not the book it is just so bizarre to see lwj presented as a super experienced and confident and suave sex expert right out of the gate. it just goes against all my perceptions of him as a character. except confidence maybe. to be clear he is horny and all I just don't think he'd really get very far with anyone beside wwx

[mistninja]

fitz and molly are kinda cute, i still think their relationship in this trilogy is really bad but fitz is such a hopeless romantic he justs says the sweetest things...

[ofgentleresolve]

if i'm going to keep going off of the cat analogy, giving myungdae a newborn to take care of would either be the best thing that could happen, but also the worst thing too bc:

a. it would give him something to focus on other than well, his t*rauma and his mess of a personal life and thereby stabilize him ( ie his coping mechanism is taking care of other ppl and in doing so it forces him to take care of himself too )

b. he'd never let go of the bby, not even for work, please see the example below:

alfred: *holds hands out* you got class soon- i'll look after her for a few hours myungdae: *glares at him and holds onto baby tighter* alfred: it's just an hour, nothing's gonna happen to her myungdae: *still glaring and puts hand on cane ( w/ sword inside ) as if to say 'mine'* alfred: you can't keep doing this 😓

[honeybittersweet]

OKAY I MIGHT HAVE TO DELETE THIS POST ONE OF THESE DAYS BUT FOR NOW I NEED TO VENT

I met this guy on Bumble about two weeks ago, he sent me a text but the conversation was short the first time, and just last week we started chatting on insta. It's been great! We hit it off really nicely, he's not the type of guy I usually like but I like this man A LOT. He's very nice and respectful, has a really pretty smile and I'm obsessed with his fave and body. Those handssssssss, girl don't even get me started, I'm about to explode just by thinking about them. AND HIS EXPRESSIONS AND HOW HE MOVES. FUCK. OFF.

Also he's so fucking horny istg he's gonna kill me one of these days with the things he sends me and the things I want to (and do) send him. I just want him to devour me completely before I go fucking insane over not having him on my bed.

NOW THAT BEING SAID. We were supposed to meet last Saturday but he wasn't feeling well emotionally, which is valid and I respect that, but we're not gonna talk his business on here, it did leave me a bit frustrated though.

Instead of Sat, we're meeting up at the park on Thursday and I'm SCARED. I'm so afraid that he's not gonna like me and like ???? He has seen EVERYTHING idk why I’m so fucking scared. He has repeatedly told me he likes my body and can't wait to have his hands on me but since first we're going to the park, I'm scared that the conversation isn't gonna flow properly or that there are gonna be uncomfortable silents or that I make way too many expressions with my face or that I'll just be way too honest about how I decided to cut the cookies with a glass instead of my usual heart-shaped cookie-cutter bc I'm terrified of scaring him off if he takes the heart-shaped as something romantic when he clearly stated he didn’t want a relationship. Girl, I'm about to spiral with anxiety, let me take a few breaths.

I really want the best outcome bc I find him attractive and really nice, I don't care if this ends up in a relationship or not, bc I never intended to end up with a partner by downloading tinder and bumble (we matched on both), but I like him a lot and I want him to at least like me enough to keep meeting up to fuck and dm each other on insta.

[carnageacorn]

.

actually in this space im going to say. in one scene early in infinite jest two brothers are talking about the way their mom has acted after their father's suicide. the first brother asks if she's even sad he's dead. and the other says: there are 2 ways to make a flag be half-mast. you can lower the flag halfway, or you can double the height of the pole. he says: she's plenty sad, i bet. anyway that bit has fundamentally changed the way i think about displays of grief.