#told my friend to choose between serious and sexy and he chose sexy so here we are

[vyse]

Tried to take a proper crack at my wol in time for art fight, been playing with ideas for scars and stuff....

[beauty-of-depravation]

Under My Roof

Under My Roof

A/N : this was supposed to come out for Valentine's day. And then life happend and I'm posting it a month later 😅 this is pure filth, it's only smut, PwP. This all started with a message exchange with the incredibly funny @badassbuchanan 😂 after sending her the second gif 😂

Word count : 8K

Warnings : dégradation and knife play so discrete you won't see it, exhibitionnisme...etc. +18 !!! Maybe a bit of angst I'm not even sure, and a cheesy poorly written ending. Enjoy !💘

Plot : your are Bucky's maid.

***

You were lost in your thoughts, while walking back to Bucky Barnes's home. Your eyes wondering over the couples that walked past you.

Valentine's day. Again. You hated this day. This painful reminder of your loneliness. The reminder that you weren't with the man of your dreams. Well yes, indeed you were painfully close to the man of your dreams.

You change his sheets. Prepare his meals. Go grocery shopping for him. Clean his house. Take care of him when he was sick.

But you weren't with him. You were just the maid.

You were the one he sent to go buy flowers and a box of chocolate. A bouquet and sweets he would give to another woman tonight. While you would fall asleep, alone, in a house that was not yours. After completing tasks that were of no interest to you.

Of course you were more than well paid for your services, but ...you had no free time. You worked six days a week and on your only free day you were too exhausted to go out, so you stayed in your room all day sleeping or reading, which didn't allow you to build a single serious relationship in three years of this job. And ... if you were being totally honest...also the fact that you had the biggest crush on your boss.

And every Valentine's Day you'd remember that you.had.nothing. No boyfriend. No home for yourself. Every Valentine's Day you remember that you didn't build anything. You spend your life ordering the life of a man who does not see you. Around you your friends have homes of their own, husbands, children, a future. And you ...

Arggg! Getting into the house, you angrily put down the bouquet of flowers and the box of chocolate that Bucky asked you to buy for his evening date on the kitchen table. It was already about 5pm, normally you'd start on dinner but he told you not to cook tonight, and if you wanted you could have something delivered for yourself. Fuck him. Fuck Bucky Barnes.

You locked yourself in your room. And soon after, you hear him leave the house.

You try to read, but you can't concentrate. You go on tiktok and instagram, Tumblr and finally you end up on pornhub. Your eyes move from video to video and when you find something that appeals to you, your hand quickly slides straight inside your panties, Without giving the rest of your body any attention.

Your fingers find your clitoris, and begin to massage slowly, but as soon as the pleasure begin to rise, a pair of blue eyes appear in your memory, and your movements suddenly stop. No ! You don't want to think about him now!

You shake your head, breathe out, and try to refocus on the video. But as soon as your hand starts moving, it's his face that pops into your head, his voice, his smile, his body ... NO! It is pathetic. You can not let yourself think about your boss, who by the way must absolutely not be thinking about you at the moment, while masturbating on Valentine's Day. It's ... really pathetic. Suddenly angry at yourself, at him, and at the work, you close your porn and go to playstore.

You download the first three dating apps you find and sign up for the three. No way your spending Valentine's Day eating fast food on the sofa while thinking of your boss. Masturcraying is not for you, not today, not ever.

You choose your prettiest photo and select it as a profile picture. You select: "Partners near you". And just like that, the profiles appear on your screen, and you just have to pick and choose.

Few hours and some weirdos later, you are chatting with a nice guy, attractive enough, funny and chatty.

From Theo to Y/N « you want to go out ?»

From Y/N to Theo «yes ! Let me ask my boss first»

And then it occurred to you. He didn't even ask you if you had plans for tonight. He didn't even think about giving you your night.

Annoyed, you quickly texted

From Y/N to Mr.Barnes « Sir, i have plans, can i have my night?» you wait and wait...but the answer comes only half an hour later.

From Mr.Barnes to Y/N «No, you should have asked yesterday. I'm expecting a package around eight, please don't forget to pick it up»

From Y/N to Mr.Barnes «Please Sir, i never asked you for a day off. I'm feeling a little bit down. I really think going out would help, i could ask for mr's Happkins to reception the package, I'll get it first thing back»

From Mr.Barnes to Y/N «No. You'll have you little date in your free day. I'm busy i don't have time to text»

Fuck.him. Fuck him. Fuck him. Fuck him. Fuck him. Fuck. Him. Fuck him.

From Y/N to Mr Barnes «FUCK YOU.»

Delete.

From Y/N to Theo « My boss isn't here, wanna join?»

4 hours later.

You are drunk. Drunk on the best alcohol you ever had. Drunk on an alcohol you'd never be able to afford. Where did you get it from ? Bucky's cabinet.

He won't be here until tomorrow, you have all the time.

You turn your head to the cute guy next to you, curly blond hair, slim and tall and a shiny smile. Perfect.

You lean in to kiss him. You don't even remember he's name. You share the taste of the delicious alcohol on your tongues, you laugh between kisses, joke between messy body grabbing, and play cat and mouse around the table. Your tops are off, your lips swollen. «Eat me out»  you state, no second thought. «That's bold» he says, opening wide eyes but smiling. «I'm sick of being good...» «It's okey, i like bold»

You sit down on the couch, pull your skirt up, take off your panties, and lay back.

The boy doesn't wait to get on his knees between your legs, and he gets right to work. His tongue teasing your entrance, and his lips kissing your clit playfully.

Fuck Bucky. This is a nice boy. Fuck,Why are you thinking about Bucky ? And why is your heart tightening ? Fuck. Tonight you deserve better. This doesn't feel like enough. Not enough to fuck your boss out of your mind «Let's go to one of the rooms» you say purposefully.

He looks at you, eyes sparkly  «Whatever the lady asks for» the blond smiles at you, getting up, and ...not helping you get up. It's alright, you're not looking for romance any way.

You chose the nicest room. The biggest one, after Bucky's. As soon as you get in, the boys hand are on your waist, pulling you back against him. His lips on your neck making you giggle. He moves them to you breast, your only wearing your bra. «Can you help me take it off ? I have trouble with this things, bras hate me !» you laugh and help him take off the underwear as he unzipped his jeans, letting them fall to the ground.

You feel yourself getting excited, this is so new to you ! Having a stranger in your big scary boss's house, and letting him fuck you. That's... liberating! And if you thought about feeling guilty, the way he replied to your message came to your mind and you'd just think “fuck him”

You jump on the bed, and invite your partner to join you, he does and as soon as he is next to you he attaches his mouth to one of your nipples, and his hand go directly to your pussy, teasing your entrance once again, you slid your hand towards his boxers, feeling his cock getting harder between your fingers as you pump up and down his lengh. You kiss slowly while teasing one another, moaning in each other's mouth.

But then, the blue eyes again. The metalic blue eyes of you boss appear in you mind. The beautiful mesmerizing blue eyes, that beautiful face, those lips, the smirk, the jaw the body, you wonder if his cock is thicker then ...OH DEAR GOD. THAT IS ENOUGH.

«Hey.» you awkwardly start. «Yeah ?»

«Wanna...get inside ?» (NDA : yes kids, sexe with a stranger is more awkward then sexy)

«Sure ! That's not an offer you say no to !» He stumble in the covers getting up, reach for his jeans and grabs a condom in the back pocket. He opens them and it takes few seconds of fumbling and shaky hands to get the condom in place, while you're lying there looking at him.

You both laugh awkwardly, as he gets on top of you, looks for the entrance few seconds, and start sliding inside. It feels nice. See ! you don't need fucking rude and sexy Mr.Barnes.

«Harder. Go harder.» he start thrusting faster, and you close your eyes. Concentrating on the feeling and the friction. but soon enough, the blue eyes try to make a new appearance, and you open back your eyes, to escape his.

He has nice hair. Nice blond locks. He looks cute, a slow building pleasure starts raising in your belly. Imagine his beared on your inner thighs, and his tongue battling your into submission, and ...his cock stretching your walls, and you orgasm is getting closer and closer, you push your hand over your mouth to keep your moans down, he doesn't go deep but he goes fast enough for you to feel ready to cum, on top of that you've been watching a lot of porn and dirty tumblr to get you there rapidly. and just as you pussy clenchs, he stops everything. Fuck Fuck Fuck, you try to buck your hips but nothing will save you, You just had a ruined orgasm !

«what, i, i !!! » « think someone is coming in.» he whispers.

You stop breathing as you hear a key turning in the lock.

The front door.

Fuck.

Only two people have this key, you ...and Barnes. Fuck. He is back.

Fuck Fuck Fuck. «My boss is back, fuck, hide !»

You put on your shirt no bra, your skirt no panties, you close the door of the room where you leave the boy, and run out at full speed. A second after you are in the living room, collecting his shirt on the couch, trying to hide the mess, you just have the time to push the empty alcohol bottle under the couch before Mr.Barnes appears.

«What are you doing ?» He says, suspicious, looking at you messy appearance. «Nothing, just cleaning.»

«at 11 pm ?» he raises a suspicious eyebrow. «I...icouldn't sleep.»

Your underwear. Shit. It's right on the edge of the couch. “Please don't notice, please don't notice, please don't notice” «well, since you are awake, could you draw me a bath ? I'm exhausted.» «Yes, sir.»

You go out as quick as possible, and passing by the end of the couch, you try to discreetly grab the underwear, you roll it in your fist, and run up the stairs. Once in the bathroom, you try to rearrange your hair, and start preparing the bath in a hurry, terrified at the thought that your boss could go to the friend's room you used (which he never does) and find your little...date.

While the water start to warm up, you hear the bathroom door open, and close in your back. And Mr Barnes just sits there, in your back, watching you, watching your every movement. Your fist is in front of you, tightly clenched on the underwear. His look is sharp, you feel it burning you skin, you are so aware of your own appearance. You are usually so put together. It must be the fist time in three years of working for him that he sees you in such a state.

What could he possibly be thinking. He is looking at you in such a way that your hands shake.

Maybe ...if he asks questions...you could tell him you were masturbating when he came in ? Sure it would be a shame, but ... It would be believable, and he would be to embarassed to look any further. You shake you head, trying to steady your hands, while adding salts in the water but then ... «You can go, I'll do that myself» he comes up right behind you, really really close.

He doesn't need to repeat himself, you furtively slip under his shoulder before running away

When you hear the bathroom door close again, you run towards the guest room and try to open the door quietly. But...it's locked. You try and try again and it's locked. «Hey it's me» you whisper. «Can I go now ?» Whispers the boy, from the other side. «Yeah, Open the door, why did you lock it ?»

«I didn't, i heard it get locked, i thought it was you.»

You brain stops working. Why would Barnes ever lock a guest room door ?

Deep inside you know. There is no other explanation. Your heart stops beating. But you head is desperately looking for any reason he would do that. There is none. There is only one : he knows. He know and you just lost your job. You feel tears gather in your eyes. God why did you have to be so stupid !? Sure, now is the time to regret. Fuck.

«I'll come back to open, can you just ...give me some time ?»

«What ? Are you fucking kidding me ?!»

You don't answer, and try opening the drawer where you know your boss puts a double of keys, but it's locked. You go to your room, think about gathering your personal effects, but then...your hands are shaking, and a small part of you still think "maybe he doesn't know, maybe there is an explanation"

You go back to the living room and start walking back and forth like a trapped animal. It lasts about twenty minutes. Until you hear it. You hear you name. From the bath room.

A commanding voice. Telling you to come here.

You hesitate a second.

But you have no choice.

You slowly start climbing the stairs.

Every step leading you to the bathroom is heavier then the one before.

Your heart is trapped in your throat.

You put your hand on the door lock. And try to catch you breathe. But suddenly the door opens and you are dragged inside by a firm hand around your wrist, before bumping into a hard chest. «Hey, there...» He whispers, in a dangerously calm voice.

You freeze.

He is naked, wrapped in only a tiny towel around his waist, holding you firmly against him.

You can feel his wet skin through your clothes. You don't now what to do, or what to say, but he doesn't seem to think the same. «Well behaved sluts answer when they are talked to.» He waits for you to speak up, but as you say nothing he continues «You are more eloquent with a dick in your pussy, aren't you ?» « no i...»

You try to say something, but you don't know what, you try to push him off but he is to strong. «No what? You though i wouldn't notice ? I knew the second i got in. You dumb little whore, you can see the window of the friend room from the outside. And your underwear on the couch ? Saw that to.» «I'm sorry, I was...»

«What ? What are you possibly going to say that could justify your behavior ?» his voice is dry, and he's body pushes itself further against you, forcing you to the wall. «I'm so sorry sir, don't fire me please. I don't know where my mind was, i..» «Fire you ? My god. That would be going easy on you. I know where your mind was, babygirl. In your horny little cunt.»

You whimper. Look down, only to see his muscular thighs, regretting, you close your eyes praying for all of this to be a bad dream.

«But I'm going to take care of that. You want to be fucked this bad ? Fine.»

You tilt your head up at him, surprised. Only to meet a black gaze.

« you are .. you are going to» « Fuck you ? Yes. Until you little pussy is sore, I'm going to fuck you more than what you can take, bully this little slut pussy, you understand ? Or do you prefer to get fired ?» «o...no.» «No what ? If you agree say "fuck me please sir"» «Please...» You stutter.

«That's not what I fucking asked!» He barks as his hand tightly grips you jaw, making you look at him. «Say it, loud and clear.»  «Please, ...fuck me sir.»

«Ohh look at you, so well behaved. Your nipples are hard to..is that the water or the greediness, little slut ?» suddenly his hand leaves your jaw and grab at your neck, while his other hand cruely twist and pull on your nipple through your shirt, making you yelp, he let go of you hurt nipple, and his fingers grab something besides you on the edge of the bathtub.  «See that in my hand? I'm going to push the blade of my razor on your delicate throat, now, you wouldn't want to hurt yourself by moving to much, right ? You better not fucking move. The things I'm going to do to you. The things I've wanted to do to you, Fuck» he grunts, «Take off your skirt»

You are forced to keep your chin high, because of the threatening blade, looking at him directly in the eyes, yours, teary, and his, dark with desire and anger. You push your skirt down, only to remember you are not wearing any underwear. You blush harder (even redder that what you already are) and you see his lips rise into a devilish smile.

«Is your pussy wet ? Did he finish fucking you ?» You don't answer.

«If you decide to act like that, I'm going to check by myself» he sighed. «Open you legs.»

While one of his hand keeps the blade against your skin, the fear of moving cutting your air, the other one reach down, and harshly forces your tights open, quickly moving up to your wet follds.

And, with no warnings, a slaps lands on your sensitive pussy, making you cry out.

Another harsh slap falls right on your clit and you try grabbing at his wrists and closing your thighs, but the blade pushed harder against your throat, and the hand that administrated the slaps push on your belly, forcing you to stay still. «Oh now see, you know how to use your voice. Did i say you could move? Stay the fuck still, whore.»

«Sir, it...it hurts.» «Oh really?»He says in a mocking voice, «good, it should hurt, is your little pussy sore from getting fucked under my roof ?»

Another slap lands, making a new cry escape your mouth. But you know better then to move, the blade is slowly moving up and down your skin, flattering it. The cold metal awaken every nerve of your body, and you feel... terribly aroused. You never felt more alive.

«It's nothing compared to when I'm done with you. I'm going to fuck the sanity out of you, little girl.»

You didn't plan on doing that, it's totally involuntary, maybe it's the vision of him, towering over you, only in his towel, hair pushed pack, his jaw tight, his eyes filled with hunger, his skin dumb, little drops of water rolling down his muscle, maybe it's the rush of adrenaline, maybe it's the mixed sensations from the blade, maybe ...maybe it's the months of fantasizing about him, of having this huge crush on the man, but you moan «Please, sir» as an answer.

He seems a little surprised, but soon a smirk ornate his lips and his eyes have a light of amusement and excitement.

«You want that ? You want me to fuck you ? How cute. That's not even a punishment for a greedy slut. Now...»

You're throat is set free, and you hear the blade hit the floor, as both his hands land on your waist, and his mouth join your neck, leaving met kisses and gentle bites, from your collar bone to your ear, « I bet you fantasized about that. About me fucking you, i mean, i knew you had a crush on me, but i thought of you as an innocent sweet little girl. Turns out...»

He kisses along your jaw, and when you think he is finally going to kiss your lips, he pull away.

«open you mouth.»

He scoffs at the speed you obey.

«Tongue out.»

You hesitantly pull out you tongue.

Your eyes widen as he spit in you mouth. And just as you are thinking about what you should do, spit it out ? Swallow ? Just ...keep it ? He makes the decision easier. He pinches your tongue between his thumb and index finger and cruely pull on it.

«Look at you, so desperate. Say "i belong to you"»

You try to close your mouth, but a slap lands on you cheek.

«No, no. Say it like that.»

The worst part is not you desperately trying to say the words with your tongue trapped between his fingers, it's not the obvious amusement on his face, not the humiliation he is putting you through, it's ...the fact that your pussy is getting wetter by the second, and you feel the blood flowing down to your clit. It aches, you want him to fuck you.

«Good girl. Now swallow.» He orders.

And you do, but this time you don't look away, your eyes firmly locked to his.

«I'm so fucking hard. You make me so fucking hard.» He grunts, pushing his hips on yours. Thighs on thighs, chest on chest, his dick on your hip bone.

If anything, he is, indeed thicker, and longer.

A little moan escapes your throat, as you move your hips with his, grinding against his cock, still hidden under the towel. Before you can think, your hand is reaching down, looking to feel him. He doesn't try to stop you, letting your fingers grip him, Making the towel fall on the ground. You feel him pulsing in your hand. He says and does nothing, fixating his eyes attentively on you. You start moving your hand up and down his shaft. You are fascinated, you explore every sensation, the one of your fingers wrapped around his veiny cock, you grip tighter, and wipe the precum leaking from his deep pink tip with your thumb.  When you finally look up to see his reaction, his head is thrown back, his adam's apple bobbing under the thin skin of this exposed throat, you follow the edges of the his square jaw, the tensed large shoulders. His eyes are closed, and his breathing is unsteady.

And ...the fact that you do that to him, the fact that this is all you, makes your head spin.

You lower your gaze again, traveling over his chest, eye-kissing the perfectlytanned skin and the v of his hips, and his cock between your fingers. You admire how your hand is barely closing around it, and the precum still escaping the tip, how you can feel the blood pulsing in the prominent veins, how you ...are craving to close your lips around it. That's...the most beautiful cock you've ever seen, attached to the most beautiful man you've ever seen, and ...you want it all.

But just as you are thinking of dropping to your knees, his voice raises again. «You had your fun. don't fucking think you are in control.»

You look back up, and his hands tighten there grip at the small of your back, as he looks down at you. «Now, doll, I'll fuck your throat another time. Turn around.»

And, without waiting for you to oblige, he spins you around, and suddenly you find yourself facing the full body mirror.

His chin resting on the top of your head, his eyes meeting yours in the reflection, your eyes travel your appearance, flushed cheeks, slightly parted lips, hard nipples, chest raising and falling rapidly, his forearm firmly keeping you against him. «You are so ready for me to fuck you, sir's little slut.»

His hand slides under your shirt, your breast heavy in his palm, his calloused fingers pulling at your nipple, his mouth kissing right behind your ear, whispering.

«I'm saying that, but, you know, I've wanted to fuck you since the day you put a foot in this house.» Suprised, Your your raise your own reflection, meeting his eyes in the mirror.

«Don't look at me like that. The maid fantasy isn't a myth. Seeing you every day in this uniform, wanting nothing more than to fuck you on every flat space of this fucking house.»

You can bearly breath and you close your eyes, looking away.

Immediately you feel the sting of your hair being harshly pulled back, yanking your head up. «Eyes on me, on you, on us, you don't get to look away, whore.»

You shyly open your eyes, looking back at the reflection, but, not satisfied yet, he whispers, «say "yes sir"»

To ashamed and mesmerized by the picture before you, you don't immediately oblige, and that costs you a hard spank to your ass. «Say "yes sir"!» He repeats with a stern voice, that you know he won't tolerate you making him ask another time.

Another harsh slap lands on your ass and you yelp, «YES SIR.»

«Good girl, You know what, from now on, we are playing a little game, everytime I say something, ask a question, you reply with "yes sir", i don't fucking care if you like what I'm saying, i own you, and you will agree to whatever i say, do you understood?» «Yes sir.»

«such a good little slut, aren't you ?»

«yes sir.»

«You're not that dumb after all. Arms up, i want to see all if you.»

You immediately obey, and with that, you are completely naked, all available for him. «How beautiful, such a beautiful woman, with the soul of a whore, isn't that a pity ? I'm going to ruin it. Give me my pants.» «What ?» «What do you mean what ? You don't need to understand, i gave you a fucking order. I don't think you understand quite yet what is happening to you, but don't worry by the end of the night, you'll be a good girl again. The pants, slut»

You quickly reach to the floor and give him his pants, and it's with horrified eyes that you see him take the belt of the hooks. «Don't look at me like that, I'm not planning on spanking you with it tonight. But, you seem to forget who owns you, so..»

He reaches around your neck a put the belt around it, start to hook it «Until i buy you a proper leash, i'm going to put that around your throat, don't you think it's an amazing idea, doll ?» «Yes sir.»

«Good. Do you want a leash around that pretty neck ?»  «Yes sir.»

«Now, i could think you are lying just to obey my orders, but you see, i think your telling the truth. Your eyes are filled with lust, and you pussy ...»

His fingers reached down, his thumb between your lips, before pushing two fingers all the way inside. «Your pussy is overflowing with your juices. It's twitching and sucking my fingers in.»

With no warning, 4 consicutive harsh slaps land on your ass cheek, making your cry outs and arch your back. «Did i give you permission to grind on my fingers ? No i don't think so, doll. You don't get preparation before my cock, you've already had that.»

You can't put your head around what is he talking about and you don't have time to think before feeling the tip of his cock at your entrance, «Are you ready ?» «yes sir.» «good girl.»

You expected him to slam himself inside, but...he, oh so slowly sink inside you, making you feel how every fucking inch of his cock is stretching you.

His hand reaches to your face and two is his fingers push themselves past your lips, pushing your tongue down, and making sure you are looking in the mirror. «You look so good like that.»

And with every inch of his cock that stretches your walls, the belt hugs your neck tighter, until he bottoms out, and you can bearly breath.

«Your so fucking tight doll, I'm surprised for such a worthless..»  «STOP IT.» You scream

he immediately stills, and totally let go of the belt, letting your breathe deeply. You feel a sob in you're throat, and cover your mouth with your hand and close your eyes to keep the tears in.

«Oh my god, doll, did't hurt you ? I'm sorry, so sorry, come here, do you need to sit, do you»

«Stop calling me a fucking whore ! I've been in love with you for three years, i couldn't go see anywhere else because I think about you all the time, and tried to get over it, but i don't even have enough free time to meet someone ! I'm always working for you, and when I'm not, I'm thinking about you ! Stop stop stop stop...»

You keep repeating the words until you feel his arms wrap tightly around you, pulling you to his chest and hugging you. You're not crying, you are shaking, shaking of rage, of misery of lonliness, all the pent-up feelings that you had are short-circuiting your muscles. The hug is calming, at least he didn't just leave. But ...you are scared of the moment you stop shaking, and he stops hugging you, and tells you to get away, find a new job and someone who would love you back «i ...i'm jealous.» He Whispers

You're shocked to move, did you mishear ?

«i didn't want you to have a date tonight...i didn't want you to meet someone. And ...i ...i think like you, no i...i know i like you, it's...»

And from here on, it's the void, you don't catch any another word. He likes you ?

And finally you cry.

Tears slowly roll down your cheeks, and in the silence you can only concentrate on your ebulliting heat and Bucky's deep breaths. His heart to, is pounding under your ear, and you notice that you are holding into him as strong as you can, and he is doing the same. And from there, your have one feeling, hunger. And you have to satiate it. You've been starving for to long. You can talk later, and, if after you talk it doesn't work out, it will be okey, you want at least this moment. « I want you to keep fucking me.» «What ? No we don't have to..»

«No, i want to. And if you want to too, i want to keep going.» you say with confidence «But doll...»

«Show me what you feel, sir.»

He keeps silent for a moment, and then says slowly, like he is trying to keep control over himself.

«If you are sure, pretty girl. Let me just take this off» his hand travel to your neck to unbuckle the belt, but you stop him again.

«I ... Kind..of like it...can we ...?»

«Ohh doll, you want to keep the belt ? Such a naughty girl. You like the idea of me owning you ?» «Yes sir.»

«Good girl. My good girl...»

You feel his big hand move to your face, cup your cheeks, but...so gently. It's tender, nothing to do with his manners from the begging, and he softly move his face close to yours, looking at you directly in the eyes, the man that have been fucking you senseless, is now, shy and hesitating to kiss you, his eyes are showing just how sorry he feels and how he doesn't know how to act.

«Sir, i want a kiss.» «Yeah ? My pretty girl wants a kiss from me ?» «yes sir.»

His thumb keeps caressing your face while he slowly push his soft plump lips to yours, kissing staying still for a moment, enjoying the calming feeling, it feels like the word is exploding and...you couldn't care less. It feels like ...the chaos have a perfect order. His tongue saunter on your bottom lips, asking patiently for you to open your mouth, you like the kiss as it is and you want to savour the slowness of it for a moment more, knowing that when your tongues meet, there will be now slowness, no patience, just frenzy and hunger. And honestly you also want to test him a bit. So you don't open, but, at your satisfaction, he just waits, he keep tasting your lips, patiently, not forcing anything, not demanding anything. After you feel fed up with feeling him kissing you so purly, you part you lips, and finally give his tongue the access it's been begging for.

Like before big moment of life, there is an instant of calm. The time of a shared breath, where his tongue caress yours, and it's everything your heart needed. The world around you explode and it's perfect. The chaos is exactly where it should be, the chaos is perfectly ordered.

Then the desire takes it's rights again, the frenzy replaces the serenity. The hunger the fullness. The desire the satisfaction. He suddenly pull at the belt, and invade your mouth, owning it, owning you, and this time you gave that to him. He gets drunk on you, the more he drinks the thirstiest he is. His hand travel down your body, drawing every curve and fall before reaching your core. Every nerve of your body is in the edge. and soon as his hand gaze over your pussy, you whimper.

«Did he make you cum, doll ?»

You blush so hard while confessing, «a...ruined orgasm sir...you...you came in just when...»

He can't keep his loud laugh for himself, and his chest trembled filled with his hilarity. Shy, you burry your face is his neck and he caresses your hair. «oh poor baby, you had a ruined orgasm because of me?» He doesn't seem sorry for one bit.

«I don't know if i can be gentle if i fuck you, if you want I can just go down on you and... »

«No, sir, i ...i...still want you to show me how you feel. I can take it all.» «I knew you were perfect for me, doll.»

Your back is slowly pushed against the cold mirror, your hips brought forward, he keeps a firm grip of the belt, keeping your eyes locked, as he slowly burry himself in you.  «My sweet girl never told me she wanted me, i was so scared i...i would...you...i..» «Harder sir, i want to feel you, I'll understand.»

He closes his eyes for a second.

And the air is kicked out of you. He slammed into you so hard that it kind of picked you up from the ground, like he was trying to rearrange your guts with all his might. «Bucky !»

hearing you say his name for the fist time must have awaken something in him, because he just seemed to fall in love right then, kissing along your neck, where you blood is pulsing. «Yes that's it doll, say my name...i love hearing my name from you.»

You repeat his name louder and louder as he goes faster and faster and you get closer and closer to your climax. «I want you for myself, i want no one thinking they can own this tight little pussy like i do, do you want me to show everyone that i own this pussy, your pleasure, your body, your love?»

«Yes, yes Bucky i want everyone to know !!!» «You want to cum doll ? You want me to give back the orgasm i ruined for you ?» «YES, Bucky, Please !»

«Hold it. not yet. I took away your orgasm from you, i think it's only fair i decide when you have it.»

«No please !» You desperately beg as you feel him slide out of you leaving you empty and needy.

«chuut, doll, I'm going to let you cum, i know how much you need it, but, not here.» a dangerous spark reflect in his eyes. «what ...what do you mean.»   you hesitantly ask, not sure if your are ready for the answer.

«I mean that I'm not done teaching you a lesson.»

He kisses softly on your temple, and, with that, opens the bathroom door, pulling you by the belt, you follow behind, and ... you realise you ...get overly horny from him pulling you by the belt around your throat, you think to yourself «I can't wait to have a leash and collar he can pull me by» you get ashamed from the lewd thoughts. But you love the taste of ownership it gives him on you, and of belonging it gives you. A relationship that you feel have been here for a long time, but expressed for the first time tonight. He looks behind him and winks at you «I know you love me pulling you with my belt on your throat, aren't you a lewd maid, doll» you blush, and hide a slight smile by looking down.

Thinking he was taking you to the bedroom, you dont ask questions, until you over pass the door, and he guides you to the stairs.

«Where are we going ?»

«See, doll, i’m not a man who shares. and i don’t want anyone thinking that they can touch you, in any way. espacially not under my own roof.»

And that’s when you understant. you completly forgot about him. The guy you brought home.

And when you realize, he is already pushing the key in the lock

«finally ! is your boss gone? I thought you..»

Blondie stops right there in his phrase.

Seeing the massive and naked figure of barnes enter the room. Go cocked to talk looks at the man with wife eyes. «What ? Did you think she forgot about you ? Yes she did. She absolutely did.» starts Barnes.

«Who are you ?!» says the kid in an irritated voice. «The owner of the house» cuts Bucky in a dry voice, «Now, do you can get my fist in your baby face, or ...» «No ! Bucky he did nothing !» you intervene without thinking, still hidden behind the door.

«Oh well see whose talking, hiding behind that door. If you want to defend him come in sweetheart.» «i ...i can't.» «yes you can. Baby it's either my fist in his face or you show him who you belong to» «but ...»

«You have three seconds»

You know you don't have any other choice then to enter the room, one arm around you breasts and your legs as close to eachother as you can. You look at the floor, not brave enough to face your "date" of the night.

«What the fuck...is he forcing you to do that ? I'll call the cops.» «They will have nothing to do here.» interrupts Bucky, «Am i forcing you to do that sweetheart ?»

You shake your head.

«speak up.»

«no, no you are not.» «See, she enjoys it, tell him, love» «i enjoy it»

«Yeah ? Come here,» He pulls on the belt pulling you closer to him, and then slipping behind you. «Look how wet she is. That's not for you. That's for me. That's how wet she got when i punished her for fucking you. For thinking that she could be somebody else. Do you wanna see how I take care of her ?»

You think blondie is going to run out of the house, but you hear Bucky's laugh, and a zipper being undone.

«He want to see sweetheart ! Let's give him a show, he came all the way here for you, we can't let him leave with nothing.» «Yes sir.» «Good girl , now bend over the chair.»

Trembling from the anticipation and excitement, you get closer to the chair in the middle of the room and fold your body in half, a yelp escapes your throat when a hard smack is landed on you left ass cheeks, followed by the commanding voice of your boss

«Lower, arches your back»

You do, and his big hand delicately caress the smack mark he just left and then caress you along spine from bottom to your neck, sending shivers in your body. «See, how beautiful she is ? Do you think you deserve such a beautiful woman ? And you idiot would have fucked her what...6 minutes before cuming and calling it a night ? Huh ? No. I'm going to show you how ..»

He slips inside you slowly again, making you gasp when you finally feel him stretching you open around his thick member «how you she deserves to be fucked»

The boy don't answer, to absorb by the vision of you, back arched, hips pushed back, eyes closed, nipples hard, and moth opened, gasping for air. Your whole self is subjugated by a number of feelings. One of them is a sharp feeling deep in your soul, of proudness and excitement, coming from getting fucked by Bucky for an audience.

You can feel every vain on his cock pulse, and the tip targeting your most sensitive spot. Then, slowly dragging himself out, only to roughly push in again. Grabbing you by the hips he maintains a stable rythme, of rough but long thrusts. Dragging himself slowly out of you and penetrating with everything he has. You burry your face in the crook of your arm, now screaming and audibly gasping, and the worst and best part is everytime you try to avoid the roughness of his thrusting by leaning forward, he'd grip your hips tighter, and pull you back on his cock.

«I'm going to cum, sir, sir, i'm ...oh. I'm close...» you desperately cry out, feeling a volcano ready to irrupt in your lungs.

Immediately after those word leave your mouth, his hand closes around your throat, pulling your back, your head to his shoulder, and his other hand fall along your body, to press two firm fingers on your clit

«Good girl, such a good girl, about to cum on her boss's cock, wait, hold it»

Feeling you weaken, and your moans turning to breathy cries he squeezes harder on your neck : « said hold it, doll, you don't want to see what I'd do to you if you don't .»

It takes everything your have for you not to immediately cum, but, and thank God he is not using he's fingers, he is just keeping them on your clit, while he kiss you ear : «look at him baby.»

It takes you a second to understand who is he talking about, but when you get it, you are to close to cumming to fight him, or be shy, you look at the blond boy, who is rapidly stocking his cock, looking at you with hunger.

«See, he's going to cum for your cum from seeings you get fucked.»

Your vision is now blurry, and you have a hard time breathing, with his tight hold on you neck. «who is fucking you ?» «You sir!»

«Yeaah, tell him you love when i fuck you, tell him that you are my fuckdoll.»...«Say it, or you don't get to cum»

«I'm his fuckdoll ! I'm sir's fuckdoll ! I love when he fucks me ! Please can I cum !? I can't hold it !»

You desperately scream out, your last sentence cut because bucky starts furiously moving his fingers on your clit, still not letting go of you neck, but giving you some space, just enough so you not to faint. You hear a loud groan from in front of you and you understand that your "date" just came, and he seems to have come pretty fucking hard.  You are yourself ridding the edge, trying not to let go before Bucky's permission.

«He just came for you. You are so fucking beautiful princess. cum, cum on my cock doll, cum right Fucking now.»

«Oh thank you, thank you bucky, oh my ....»

Your whole body shakes and he keep fucking you through your orgasm, his hip movements now messy and practically violent indicate that he is close to cumming to. «Going to fill you up sweetheart. You... okey with....fuck... that ?» «yes yes please.» you reply with a broken voice.

«Good Fucking girl, my good fucking girl» He groans, before stilling deep inside you and shooting hot strings of cum in you tummy, growling and harshly biting at your shoulder.

You go limp in his arms and he hugs you tight. You stay like that for few seconds breathing heavily, while he slowly pulled out.

Suddenly you feel something that sends panic through your body.

«Bucky ! » «don't move sweetheart.»

He's hand once again find your pussy, and he pushes two fingers inside of you

«No, no, I'm serious please i can't go again...»

«I know doll, i know, don't worry»

His fingers slip out of your pussy, covered in his cum and your juices. He then makes you sit on the chair, where you abandon yourself. And ...walks toward the boy, who is just sitting awkwardly on the edge of the bed.

Silently Bucky stands before him, blondie looks at him with big eyes, half afraid half mesmerized. And Bucky...pushes his two coated fingers on the boys lips.

It takes a second.

Then, like obeying to a higher force,

The boy open his lips, and your psycho hot boss pushes his finger deep down his throat, making him taste you two mixed, and gag on his fingers.

Your "date" doesn't say anything, silently taking and licking the fingers, while looking up at your boss.

Bucky finally decides it's enough, take his fingers out the boys mouth, «go home»

Then turn around to you

«Going to sleep with me tonight, right Princess»

«heuu...hmmm excuse me, when, could we do that again ?» shyly ask blondie.

«Never. If you repeat anything of what happened to anyone, If you try to approch her, if i see you around my house, i kill you, now. get out. » conclude bucky in a sharp voice.

Blondie zip up his pants as fast as he can, and runs out of the room with not another word, maybe a little glance at you and... bucky.

Seeing that this last have an arrogant smile, «and That's how you Fuck a woman you're in love with» he screams, before hearing the front door close.

[idreamofplaid]

What Tomorrow Brings

Square Filled: Opposites Attract for @spnfluffbingo & Bed Sharing for @spngenrebingo 

Characters: Dean x Reader

Rating: Explicit

Tags: oral (female receiving)

Summary: The reader’s been dreaming about Dean for weeks. She finally gets her chance, but she isn’t a one night stand kind of girl.

Word Count: 4134

Created for @spnfluffbingo & @spngenrebingo

It looked pretty much like all hunter’s cabins do. There was a small kitchen area with rustic wood cabinets and open shelves, suitable for preparing chili, sandwiches, or other simple food. The couch appeared comfortable enough and would serve the purpose of having a place to put your feet up and enjoy a glass of whiskey, just a little something to take the edge off that killing monsters created.

The cabin was typical with the exception of one major difference. In the sleeping nook, there was a bed that beckoned the weary and promised to restore what the constant stress of saving people took away. It was the kind of bed you’d find in a home, a real one, and it was to this bed that you were drawn. 

You lay back on it, extended your arms above your head and stretched. With a lift of your shoulders, the muscles between your shoulder blades pulled, releasing some of the tension there. The pillow was soft, much softer than was to be expected in a cabin intended to provide shelter and not much more. You turned your cheek and nuzzled into it. The sheets felt positively divine. A contented sigh escaped from your throat. 

Dean dropped his duffle on the floor with a thud, jarring you out of your temporary state of bliss. He had apparently been watching all this with interest because he lifted one eyebrow and a smirk tugged at one corner of his mouth. “Looks like you’re really having a good time with that bed. Do the two of you need a few minutes alone?”

You picked up the pillow next to you and flung it at him. “This is the nicest bed I’ve seen in months, maybe even years. I’m not going to let you shame me out of enjoying it.” You could feel your cheeks beginning to turn pink. Dean was always so free and easy with the sexual innuendo. He was a walking tribute to everything sexually attractive in a man, at least as far as you were concerned. It wasn’t that his flirting wasn’t welcome, just the opposite. You’d been harboring a crush on Dean for months, but flirting just made you feel awkward. 

Dean picked the pillow up from the floor. “Alright then. I’ll just ‘enjoy’ this pillow on the couch.” If he’d noticed you’d gotten flustered by his comment, he didn’t give any indication of it. He just walked his sexy ass over to the couch and started making himself comfortable. Realizing that you had been staring at his butt, you felt your cheeks flush again.

He might tease, but Dean was always a gentleman. Without a doubt, that was part of the reason you were falling for him. You transferred your attention from his more fantasy inducing attributes to notice the hint of dark circles under his eyes. He hadn’t been sleeping well since you’d tracked down that jinn in Cheyenne. Jinn cases always affected him more than the others, or at least differently. He’d confided that to you once, telling you about the jinn who had shown him what his life would have been like had it been “normal”. In a moment of vulnerability, he had admitted how much he wanted the monsters to go away sometimes so he could have a real home and stop looking over his shoulder all the time. It was also that vulnerability that had you entertaining the idea of Dean as more than a friend. 

He had become quite the distraction for you the past few weeks, filling your daydreams with surprise bouquets of flowers and sweet kisses in candlelight. No doubt, the things you thought about were a long way from what was between the covers of the “Busty Asian Beauties” magazines he tried to hide when you were around. 

You sneaked another look at him laying on the couch, still in his clothes, arms crossed over his chest. He shifted a little and sighed. You tried to pinpoint the reason for that sigh. It could be several things. He could be thinking about his life as a hunter again and how he wished it was different; it could be because he was too tired to sleep, or it could be because he very much wanted to sleep, but his sleeping conditions were less than ideal. 

He had driven all the way here, refusing when you offered to take a turn. So, you had gotten some rest sleeping in Baby’s backseat. Dean wasn’t generally one for sleeping on the road; you figured it was a control thing for him. It wasn’t because he didn’t trust you to drive his Baby; he did, and you knew that was huge. He just liked being behind the wheel, especially when he needed to clear his head; and you knew that, no matter how much he denied it, his mind was filled with plenty of things that needed to be cleared. He had told you enough to verify that.

You got off the bed and walked over to him. Dean cracked open one eye and looked at you. He opened them both when he caught sight of your serious expression. “You take the bed; I’ve had more sleep that you have.”

Dean thought for only a second before he answered. “Any reason both of us can’t sleep in the bed? I’ll keep my hands to myself.” He raised them in the air in a gesture of surrender to emphasize his point. The smirk was back. Was he trying to make you blush again? His next words made it clear that he was. “But you do have a perfect ass. So…” He dropped his eyes down and made a show of looking it over. That got the rise from you that he was looking for; you snatched the pillow from beneath his head and swatted him with it. Dean excused himself to take a shower with a smart ass remark. “If you’re going to be nice enough to let me be that close to you, I can at least smell pretty for you.” 

You sat on the bed with your legs criss crossed beneath you, listening to the sound of the shower coming from the bathroom. It was impossible not to think about a naked Dean so near and running his hands over his muscled body while the water traveled down his chest and stomach in rivulets, down to….” 

Stop. Your mind cannot go there. You jumped up from the bed and moved in the direction of the kitchen. You needed to do something, anything, to get your mind off that. Making coffee was a comforting routine for you, so try that; it could work. Never mind it was almost midnight, the smell of it was soothing. So, you opened the cabinet and started to search. There it was; it wouldn’t be a hunter’s cabin without coffee. 

The smell of coffee had filled the entire cabin by the time Dean walked out dressed in a t-shirt and sweats that nicely hugged that backside of his that completely captivated you. Your eyes were drawn to it again. This was stupid, to let your mind run away like this. He’d never been anything more than friendly with you. Of course, he flirted. Dean was a flirt. That was what he did. Maybe he took care of you, letting you sleep when he needed it just as much, but that was just Dean too. Protective was part of his nature.

Stop it, Y/N. You stop thinking like this right now. This isn’t going anywhere. Any straight woman that laid eyes on Dean would think exactly what you’re thinking. That’s all it is. Hormones. Attraction. One sided attraction. Dean interrupted the lecture you were giving yourself. “What are you doing?”

You looked at him like you needed an interpreter to translate what he’d just said. Dean raised his hand in the direction of the coffee pot. “You’re making coffee at midnight.” His eyes scanned the counter. “Are you hiding some whiskey somewhere you plan on putting in that?” He knew you didn’t drink your whiskey straight, and it wasn’t unusual for hunters to have a nightcap to help get them to sleep.

“No, no whiskey.” You turned off the coffee pot. “I just like the smell.”

“O...kay.” One of the endearing things about Dean was that he wasn’t shy, and he knew how to smooth over a situation. He headed straight for the bed and turned down the covers. “Which side do you want?”

“Um...it doesn’t matter. You choose.” He’d spent more time sharing a bed with another person than you had, so he probably did have a preference. You could adapt. Dean chose the right. 

The first few seconds in bed with him sent all kinds of thoughts shooting through your mind. What if you did try to pursue something with him? And what if he went along with it? What if you could touch him right now? What if you could cuddle up to him and feel how warm he is? What if you could put your head on his chest like a pillow?  He was so close you could smell the lingering scent of the shampoo he’d used, and that did nothing to help move your mind in a different direction. 

Your mind wasn’t even focused on sex right now. That was a different fantasy. All you wanted was to feel his arms around you while you fell asleep, hear the sound of him breathing close by your ear. Dean rolled over instead and faced his back to you. You sighed internally then rolled over in the opposite direction so your back was also to him. Damn reality, but he was still close enough that you could feel the heat radiating from his body.

Dean filled your dreams that night. He made you smile. He played with your hair, twisting it around his finger. He kissed you with his lips that were far softer than you ever imagined. You looked at the stars together, and he told you he saw a future with you in it. You settled your head onto his shoulder and just let yourself feel the goodness of being with him.

The dream was vivid, so vivid you could smell the leather of his jacket. His arms were solid and strong; they made you feel safe. So, when you felt the real weight of his arm on your waist, you put your hand over his and pulled his arm tighter around you. “Y/N.” The sound of his voice woke you. 

Your hand was on top of his. Still caught in the dream, you threaded your fingers through his while he spooned you. “I’ll do it next time. I promise.” What was he talking about? Then he kissed the back of your neck. Your breath hitched, and you stifled the gasp in your throat. 

Before you could say anything, he did it again. This kiss was further up, closer to your ear, and he squeezed your hand. “Dean.” He was still kissing you. Since when was he such a heavy sleeper? You tried again, letting go of his hand this time. “Dean.”

You were trying to steady your breathing; there wasn’t much you could do about your fast beating heart. “Do you want me to stop?” His voice was low, sleep filled and sexy. Forget about trying to control your breathing now. He had woken up the first time you said his name. Dean knew exactly what he was doing. 

You put your hand back over his. “No. Don’t stop.” Dean turned you in his arms so he could get to your lips. The first touch of his mouth on yours sealed your fate. You finished the fall you’d been making for weeks now; you fell completely into that place where you knew you wanted him, feared you’d never be complete without him. There was no denying what you felt for him anymore as you opened your mouth and let him kiss you deeply, moving his tongue around yours. 

His arms were around you, holding you close. One of his hands had moved down to your hip, and he was pressing your body against the length of his while he kissed you. Thoughts swirled through your mind in a way that made you forget everything else but right here, right now, and him. This was the way books and movies portrayed moments like this, but you had never experienced it until now. Flashes moved through your mind of the times he’d cracked jokes and made you laugh, his smile, and the softness you sometimes saw sneak into his eyes when he thought no one was looking. 

He stopped kissing you long enough to look at you that way now. You could fall in love with him very easily; you knew you could, and that was dangerous. Dean avoided commitment;  you understood why, but you’d never had a one night stand in your life. That couldn’t start now, especially not with Dean. It would make him just that much harder to get over, and make a friendship you never wanted to lose so awkward that maybe you couldn’t even work together anymore. That couldn’t happen either; you had to be sure that this was something more.

Dean noticed the change in you. “Are you okay, Y/N? Do you still want to do this?”

Your feelings were churning inside you. “I need to know something, Dean.” You dropped your eyes from his; they were so open, so sincere. You wanted them to stay that way. “Will this change anything?”

You saw him lick his lips and bite the bottom one; he was thinking too, but he didn’t interrupt. “I mean I can’t do this if tomorrow things go back to being like this never happened. I can’t watch women looking at you and you flirting with them... or whatever.” Your next words came out in a rush. “I don’t have any right to ask you not to. If that’s what you want to do, of course you can keep doing it. It’s just that I…”

“Y/N, stop. You don’t need to say anything else.” He was smiling, a sad and thoughtful kind of smile. “If we do this, Y/N, if you still want to do it after what I have to say; it won’t be like this never happened. Those women can keep looking, but I won’t look back. I’ll need more than anything they have to offer.” 

He took you in his arms, holding you, like he wanted that last intimate contact in case this didn’t happen. He rested his hand on the back of your head and let his fingers sink into your hair. Dean started talking before he let you go. “I want something more, something real, something that can last. I want a chance at that.”

Dean pulled back, brushed your cheek with his thumb, and angled his head so he could see you better. “I wouldn’t do this, Y/N, if I didn’t think it could be something past tonight. You’re not that kind of girl, and I wouldn’t want you to be.”

He held your face in his hand. “I’ll try. I promise you I will. You know all the crap I’m carrying around, but I’ll try to get past it. I just can’t promise I’ll be good at commitment, but I won’t cheat on you. I promise that will never happen.”

You nodded; he kissed you softly, thoroughly, promising you in the best way he knew how that he would try to give you what you wanted and needed. He’d already given you more words than Dean was usually comfortable with, and you knew how much that meant. Dean took your clothes off slowly, taking his time to discover your body. He kissed your breasts where they pushed over the top of your plain white cotton bra, making you shiver every time his lips touched your skin. You wouldn’t have worn a bra to bed at all if he hadn’t been there, and now you felt self conscious about the ordinary one you were wearing and how it looked, but he got hard like it was the sexiest lingerie you could have possibly bought. 

When Dean reached behind you to unhook it and your bra fell away, you heard his sudden intake of breath. He sounded like he’d been captivated by another jinn’s vision or a witch’s spell. “You’re beautiful, Y/N.” Dean kissed you again. It was tender and unhurried. He stopped long enough to take off his shirt and you felt your own intake of breath. You’d seen him plenty of times without a shirt, but what you saw had never been for you before. 

When he started kissing you again, your breasts were pressed into his chest. Your nipples rubbed against him and made you tingle in your core. They were hard by the time Dean moved down your body and took one in his mouth. His tongue was warm as it moved around your bud. He licked, nibbled, and sucked. It made you ache to be filled by him. “I need you, Dean.” 

He made a trail of kisses down your body and swirled his tongue around and through your belly button. “Not yet, sweetheart. I’m not done tasting you yet.” The way he called you sweetheart was so tender. It had none of the cocky self assurance that usually came with that word when he used it. 

Dean took hold of the waistband of your sleep shorts, and you lifted your hips to help him take them off. You were shaking on the inside, not sure if you were ready for this and wanting it more than you had ever wanted anything. Dean kissed you through your matching cotton panties. You weren’t self conscious about your underwear anymore; you were too focused on the way he was making you feel and wanting more from him. He whispered against your most private place, “You’re already wet for me, beautiful.” He took his time, kissing the insides of your thighs, before he took off your panties. By the time they were gone, you were even wetter for him.

Dean licked through your folds and teased your opening with his tongue until his face was covered with your arousal. When he finally locked his lips around your clit, you were desperate for him. He filled you with one of his fingers while he sucked at your clit. Dean started to move that finger, causing you to grab at his head and curl your fingers in his hair. “D...De...Dean.”

He kissed your clit even more slowly with his tongue, taking his time to circle and flick it just right. “That’s it, sweet girl, let go for me.” Then he speeded up the movements of his tongue and fingers. He moaned your name against your bud, and you came shaking and clutching handfuls of his hair in your fingers.

Dean kissed your bundle of nerves a couple more times as you came down from the high of your orgasm. His hand rubbed along your hip, grounding you, reminding you he was there. When he eased back up your body to kiss your lips again, his kiss was even more tender. He kissed you like a man who wasn’t still hard and needing, but you could feel his erection pushing against you. 

He ignored it and kept kissing you. That could very well be the moment you fell in love with him. If it wasn’t, it surely happened with his next words. “We can stop; don’t feel like you owe me anything.” 

You took his cheek into your hand and made sure he was looking right into your eyes. “Don’t stop, Dean. If you do, I’ll wonder for the rest of my life what it feels like to have you inside me.” Dean stared at you, and something flashed through his eyes that you couldn’t quite name. The next kiss he gave you was unlike any kiss you’d ever experienced in your life. You felt like you melded into him, became a part of him. You could taste him, feel the strength of his arms around you, and smell that fresh washed scent from the shower mixed with his own musk. He consumed your senses.

Your eyes were closed, and you were still floating in the bliss he had created around you while he took off the rest of his clothes. You didn’t see, only felt, how big he was when he entered you. The way Dean stretched you felt incredible. 

You wrapped your arms around his back and accepted him, opening your legs wider. He moved inside you, stroking and hitting all the right places. “Dean.” You tightened your fingers on his back as he brought you closer to another orgasm. It was only after you climaxed a second time, that Dean allowed himself to come. The sound of your name on his lips was so raw, so real, and so good; you let yourself be amazed for a moment that you had given that to him, made him feel like that.

Dean took care of the condom quickly, so he could have you in his arms again. You fit so perfectly beside him; it was like you had always been there. You trusted him. You believed what he said when he told you that tomorrow wouldn’t only be a memory, not to be pursued again. You let that belief wrap closely around you, covering you with the reassurance it brought. But not a single thought you had ever had in your mind could compare to the way it felt to be in Dean’s arms. 

You could still feel all of his body next to yours, and you were glad he hadn’t suggested a shower after sex as many of your past partners had done. This closeness and this quiet was important to you. It made you feel bonded to him somehow. Not like the sex had, it was different, but just as meaningful. It made like you feel like he was in no rush to end this, to move on from it. That made you feel comfortable, and it made you feel safe. 

Dean played with your hair and ran his finger tips over your arm and shoulder the way he had in your dreams. After a few minutes, you felt your eyes start to close. You couldn’t let yourself go to sleep yet. You didn’t want this to end, and so far Dean hadn’t said anything. So you asked him, “When you said, ‘I promise I’ll do it next time’ what did you mean?” 

His voice was filled with a smile. “It was fabric softener.” 

You raised your head and looked at him, confusion all over your face. “What?”

He laughed a tiny laugh that was lighthearted and free of any and all the burdens he usually carried. “Yeah. I forgot to put it in the wash, and I know you love the way it makes your clothes feel.”

You squinted your eyes, still confused. “You were doing my laundry in your dream?”

Dean reached up to take a tendril of your hair and pull it through his fingers. “Our laundry. We were together. We had a place of our own. We were happy.” He glanced down, your hair was still between his fingers. “I told you when I came to bed, and I thought you’d forgive me if I showed you what you mean to me.” He looked back at you then. “So, I put my arm around you and kissed you. Only, that didn’t happen only in the dream. And once it did, I knew how much I wanted it to happen.”

“I did too, Dean. I’ve been thinking about it for weeks.” You looked at his lips that you had kissed, his lips that had kissed you everywhere. “I just didn’t think it could happen, that it would happen.” 

Moonlight was shining through the cabin window, and it illuminated his eyes showing how deeply green and beautiful they were. “It has now. How do you feel?”

“I don’t know if you want me to answer that question.” You bowed your head, and your hair fell into his face. 

Dean’s voice was gentle and so quiet. “I know how it makes me feel. It makes me feel like I never want this to end.”

You put your head back on his chest. It was quiet again for a while. Then he spoke again, and the smile was back in his voice. “I get to wake up with you tomorrow.” You smiled too and kissed the spot over his heart. After that, you could sleep.

Everything: @gambitwinchester @princessmisery666 @onethirstyunicorn @peridottea91 @logical-princey @emilyshurley @beenlovingromansincedayoneish @fangirlxwritesx67 @waywardbaby @atc74 @ledzeppelinsbonzo @shaniquacynthia @mariekoukie6661 @tumbler-tidbits @67-chevy-baby @fandom-princess-forevermore @terrarium-jpeg @emoryhemsworth @crashdevlin @heycasbutt @jules-1999 @mrsdeannafuckingwinchester @cosicas-cuquis @sammyimpala-67 @queenoftheunderdark @dean-winchesters-bacon @mrs-meghan-winchester @timelordy-fangirl2 @sweetness47 @hobby27 @awesomesusiebstuff @kickingitwithkirk @gh0stgurl @becs-bunker @sandlee44 @supernaturalgrandma @lonewolf471 @sea040561 @dawnie1988 @maddiepants @volleyballer519 @outcastedangel @kdfrqqg @lizette50 @daisymoder72 @sorenmarie87 @oldfreakything @winchesterxfamilybusiness @deansotherotherblog 

Dean/Jensen: @deansyahtzee​ @flamencodiva​ @deanwinchesterswitch​ @waywardrose13​ @theychosefamily​ @focusonspn​ @akshi8278​ @ladywinchester1967​ @sgarrett49​ @wingedcatninja​ @coffee-obsessed-writer​ @adoptdontshoppets​ @team-free-will-you-idjiot​ @ellewritesfix05​ 

[fairyhee]

"dare."

"alright. I dare you to spin this bottle and play 7 minutes in heaven with whoever gets chosen."

...

Hi, this is the 1st thing I've written, ever. I just had this scenario in my mind for a while and I finally decided to give writing it a go, so I ended up with this. I left the name blank so you can imagine whoever you want (but I thought of Oneus Keonhee while writing it). Let me know if you enjoy it!

✨Optional bias

💘Smut / a bit of fluff I guess?

✨Word count: around 2k

...

Playing truth or dare with people you barely knew wasn't exactly your choice of activity in a normal setting, but the cute guy that had been smiling at you so sweetly every time your eyes landed on each other, and the few vodka cranberry cocktails you had downed earlier had made you change your mind. Maybe it was the alcohol, but it seemed like the whole room lit up whenever he laughed, and boy he did that a lot.

...

It was your popular friend's birthday, and they were throwing the usual party at their apartment, that was now full of people you mostly had never seen before. Given the situation, you tried to stick to the people you knew, but that wasn't possible at all times, so you'd have to interact with strangers sooner or later.

You were in the kitchen grabbing something to drink while your friend was at the bathroom. Concentrated on mixing your vodka, you didn't react when you noticed someone else entering the room, but you were soon surprised by a loud and cheerful voice.

"oh! Are you my outfit twin for tonight?"

As you raised your head in confusion, you realized what he was talking about. You two were wearing the exact same style. Leather pants, check. White button up, check. Combat boots, check. You stood there for a few seconds smiling like idiots and staring at each other in disbelief, just like that one Spiderman meme. When you finally snapped out of it, you burst into laughter.

"nice sense of fashion you got there" you said.

"I could say the same about you. What are you drinking?"

"vodka cranberry. Want me to pour you some?"

"sure. I'm _____, by the way"

And that seemed to be the start of a very promising evening. His laugh made your heart flutter from the first encounter. In fact, his entire presence was so breathtaking that it made you flustered, and you were grateful for his cheerfulness, as it helped you overcome this newfound shyness. The fact that your fashion sense seemed to match perfectly was just the cherry on top.

Before your friend could return from the bathroom, you were already vibing to the music with your new acquaintance, as you seemed to both like the upbeat songs that could be heard from the living room. You thought it was incredible how he knew so many choreos, and even when he didn't, he still danced. The both of you didn't sit down for the whole evening, even though every now and then you both returned to your own friends to not neglect them completely. Whenever a good song came on, you would eye each other from opposite corners of the room and do your dance moves from afar and laugh.

What you loved most about it was how comfortable he made you feel, how he wasn't just trying to grind on you like other guys would, but you were just enjoying the music and each other's presence. For some songs you could be silly together and laugh, for some he was just flexing his dance skills while you cheered on him, and for others, you got a bit closer, and it felt like there might be a little more going on between you. You saw the way he was looking at your curves, and you could definitely feel his gaze burning into you when you danced, though he never touched you or tried to make a move. Was he not interested? Was it all in your head, or was he shy? You hoped it was the latter.

As it started getting late and people started leaving or being too tired to dance, the host suggested all the remaining people to sit down in a circle and play truth or dare. If you didn't want to accept the dare or answer the question that was given, you would have to take a shot. You hadn't played this game since middle school, when all the dares were to kiss someone, so you wondered how this would turn out.

Your new friend had sat down right across from you, so he could easily see all of your reactions. The questions or dares were set by the person to the right, which meant that your friend would choose for you. You would rather avoid any embarrassing questions from her, so you chose dare.

"do you remember that sexy dance routine that you learned but never showed anyone because you were embarrassed? I dare you to do it here."

You hadn't seen this coming, but you took it as a chance to showcase what you've been practicing secretly. Gathering all the confidence you had in you, you danced with all your might and tried to make it as sensual as possible. You couldn't help glancing at that cute boy from time to time, and you were pleasantly surprised to find him watching closely, practically devouring you with his eyes, which only added more fuel to your fire. You earned a round of applause for your little performance, and a few spicy remarks from your friends who were shocked by this new side of you, but your mind was focusing on someone else.

After a few more people who chose truth to avoid doing something embarrassing, it was finally his turn.

"dare."

Finally, a fun choice, you thought to yourself.

"alright. I dare you to spin this bottle and play 7 minutes in heaven with whoever gets chosen."

As soon as he accepted, your heart skipped a beat. You would lie if you said it wouldn't sting a little to see him have his 7 minutes with someone else. You tried to read his facial expressions and he seemed excited about it, but you could only hope he wasnt excited about doing this with someone else in the room. Even though it wasn't your right to feel this way, there was nothing between the two of you, but you couldn't help yourself. As he spun the empty bottle, it felt like your head was spinning along with it. You tried talking nonsense to your friend in hopes you'll get distracted and get rid of the butterflies in your stomach, but your eyes were still glued on that bottle...

And it stopped pointing towards you.

You weren't sure how you two got up and into the room next to the one everyone else was in, and closed the door. Your mind was clouded but you weren't so sure it was the alcohol anymore. You leaned your back against the door and checked for his reaction to what was happening.

"so.... Are you satisfied with the result, or did you want it to be someone else?"

He smiled and slowly closed the distance between you.

"what do you think? I don't think I could've been more obvious about it. I couldn't keep my eyes off you all night."

You let out a laugh.

"and here I was, thinking you were just being nice."

You guessed your comment had made him think you weren't interested, because suddenly turned serious.

"are you okay with this? Because if not, we can just talk-"

"we only have 7 minutes. I think you can do better things with that mouth than just talk."

His eyebrow rose at your sudden change of attitude, and his lips turned into a smirk. His eyes didn't leave yours for even a single second.

"looks like we're gonna have to do something about that attitude of yours"

He barely finished his sentence and crashed his lips onto yours. He kissed you hungrily as you felt a sudden heat taking over your entire body. His body pressed you against the door and his hands started caressing over your curves, while he kissed your neck. It's like he already knew what your soft spot was... His wet lips sent chills all over your spine, and it made you claw at his clothed back. He moaned into the kiss, so you sneaked your hands under his shirt to gently scratch his bare back this time. This made him buck his hips into you and let out a louder moan, and you could feel how hard he was because of you. He was quite obvious about his slight pain kink, and you loved it.

You could do this all night, but by now there were probably only around five minutes left.

He must have realized this as well. You weren't sure how far you planned to go with this but surely you didn't want to stop there, so you didn't protest as he slipped his hand into the front of your leather pants and into your now soaked panties.

You whined as his fingers easily swiped across your wet folds and touched all the right spots, before focusing on the part where you wanted him the most. As he lightly teased your entrance with his long index finger, he suddenly spoke again.

"should I go on?"

You could barely breathe at this point, but appreciated his concern.

"please, don't stop."

That was all he needed. He pushed one finger inside of you, while his thumb was drawing circles across your bundle of nerves. The sensation was already so good you were seeing stars, but when he added a second finger you had to hold onto him for dear life, because your legs were shaking so much from all the pleasure. Arguably, his facial expression was making the whole thing ten times better. He looked more turned on than you'd imagined, considering you weren't doing anything to him. He looked so hot, you were just melting under his gaze and touch.

As you got closer to reaching your high, you snaked your hand into his hair and grabbed it, pulling him into a hungry kiss. His response to that was a deep groan, followed by him biting down onto your lips. He understood you were close, so he moved his lips to your side and whispered into your ear.

"you're so beautiful. Come for me, I wanna hear how good I make you feel."

You didn't need to be told twice. Rolling your eyes, you let out a series of whines as your orgasm took over you. You felt like you had just ascended to heaven, not caring about whether anyone could hear you anymore. As soon as you came down from your high, you were met with his burning gaze on you, and his sweet lips already forming a smile.

"wow, you know exactly what to say at the right moment, don't you" you said in a breathy tone.

He smiled.

"I meant it when I said you were beautiful. I'd do it again even if I got nothing in return."

His words got you all worked up once again. While he was finishing his sentence, you were already touching him lower and lower, wanting to repay the favor, but he gently grabbed your hands and pulled them away. He was still rock hard, and his leather pants weren't helping to hide how turned on he was, so why was he turning you down?

"As much as I'd like to continue, our 7 minutes have long passed. It must have been around half an hour now."

His words made you suddenly remember where you were. It felt like you had been under a spell which had now been undone.

"Half an hour???? God, I even forgot we were at a party." you said while flattening your clothes back into place. You wondered what he was gonna do to hide his hard-on, but you felt like you already did too much, so you just shut up.

"you good?" he asked with his hand on the knob.

"yeah, let's go."

As soon as he opened the door, you were met with complete silence. It looked like the few remaining people had been completely worn out by the alcohol while you were gone, because most of them, including your friends, were passed out on the carpet or on the couch, while some of the others had left. Only now you realized how much time you had spent in there, but also that everyone might have purposely forgot to knock on the door when your 7 minutes were over. And you were thankful for that.

"so that's why it was so quiet" he said, scratching the back of his head.

"so, what now?"

He pretended to think for a few seconds, then looked you and smiled shyly.

"I got an idea... how about we drop by my place for a coffee? We can chat, or, maybe watch a movie if you'd like. I hope I'm not getting ahead of myself here, considering you just met me tonight."

You giggled.

"what are you being so shy for? Looks like you forgot what we were doing just a few minutes ago."

He avoided your gaze and his ears got so red, it made you wonder how can he switch from making you moan his name to blushing about it in only a few moments.

"I'd love to. Let's go."

[hopelesshawks]

Physical Fatality Part 3- A Night to Remember

18+ Hawks x fem, pro hero!reader

Summary: You’re a rising star in All Might’s agency. Hawks is the darling of Endeavor’s. By virtue of your job descriptions, the two of you are supposed to hate each other, or at the very least be cautiously neutral. For a long time that’s exactly what the two of you did. You stayed out of each other’s way and formed little opinion of the other. One fateful night at an HPSC gala changes all that. Based on the album Hopeless Fountain Kingdom by Halsey.

If you don’t want to see Physical Fatality content blacklist #hopelesspf

This story will have multiple NSFW parts so it is 18+ ONLY minors dni

Warnings for graphic descriptions of unprotected vaginal sex, oral sex (receiving), creampie, and minor dom/sub themes

Masterlist

Let no one say Bakugo doesn’t make good on his promises.

You wore a black gown that hugged your figure perfectly and a matching black mask. The dress had been designed specifically with you in mind with silver detailing spiraling throughout. The designer had said she chose it because of the way silver would wind up and branch out along your arms when you used your quirk. “I’m not sure how else to incorporate telekinesis in a dress so I hope this is enough,” the small owl-eyed woman had fretted. “It’s perfect,” you had assured her, and now, as you stepped onto the red carpet with Bakugo on one arm and Midoriya the other, you were proving your assertion correct. The press had, of course, immediately picked up on the lack of an engagement ring on your hand and the lack of a fiancé on your arm but you ignored any and all questions about your engagement as you otherwise charmed the press. Then the minute you all were safely inside the hotel the event was hosted at, you and Bakugo had exchanged mischievous looks before making a beeline to the bar. It had taken Midoriya at least twenty minutes to coax you both from the hotel bar to the main banquet hall and by then you already had a pretty good buzz going. That of course didn’t stop your quest to get blitzed on the agency’s credit, however, as the two of you simply switched from the cocktails downstairs to drinking the complimentary champagne like it was water.

“Kacchan, (y/n)-Chan, please, slow down,” Midoriya fusses. “I didn’t think he’d actually fuss the whole time,” you confess to Bakugo. You’re taking the glass of champagne currently in your hand slower. As much as you’d talked about being the opposite of respectable you don’t want to tip over into sloppy territory. You and Katsuki are a little too friendly and a little too loud and that, in your opinion, is the sweet spot. “Tried to warn you. Go hang with your girlfriend Deku we’re fine,” Bakugo insists. “Are you guys fine though? You know this is technically a work event,” Midoriya chides. “If they didn’t want us to get at least a little drunk they shouldn’t have offered free champagne,” you point out. “We’ll be fine dumbass, go hang with your girl and we’ll stay here and be responsibly drunk,” Bakugo insists. Midoriya looks between the two of you multiple times before casting a look back over his shoulder where he can see Uraraka, Iida, and Yaoyorozu all talking. “We’ll even let you be the one to take us home! Promise!” you add on. Midoriya casts one last skeptical look before breaking. “Ugh, fine. But I’m serious guys! You better stay right here,” Midoriya finally relents. You and Bakugo both give him a mock salute before he finally relaxes and goes to join Uraraka. “Hey Katsuki?” you suddenly pipe up. “What?” “I just realized something.” “What did you realize?” “I’m pretty sure since Monoma and I broke up I’m technically fucking homeless right now.” It’s not funny but the two of you crack up anyway.

“I still think this is a bad idea,” Tokoyami groans as he trails behind Hawks, who is on the lookout for Mirko. “Even Dark Shadow thinks this is a horrible plan,” he insists. “Dark shadow does not think this is a horrible plan. Don’t put words in his mouth to prove a point,” Hawks says rolling his eyes. “I’m not, look,” Tokoyami insists. Hawks sighs and turns to face his friend. As the now very familiar black form emerges from Tokoyami’s torso, Hawks is 90% sure he’s about to be proven correct. In reality it’s a very good thing Hawks doesn’t gamble. Dark Shadow had promptly agreed with Tokoyami and it had only made the other man even more smug. “Whatever, I’m still going to find her,” Hawks huffs. “Why are you so insistent?” Tokoyami questions him. “She’s the love of my life! I’m sure of it!” “Oh my god you finally snapped.” “Fuck off.” “She is not the love of your life and even if she was she wants nothing to do with you now!” “You just don’t understand. I have to fight for her back.” “Would you tell her your real name?”

The last question makes Hawks stop in his tracks and whirl around back to this friend. “What are you on about now?” he asks. “If she’s the love of your life would you let her touch your wings and would you tell her your real name and if you had to choose between her and work would you choose her?” Tokoyami presses. Hawks opens his mouth but nothing comes out. He wants to say yes. He wants to stick it to his friend and tell him he would indeed let himself be vulnerable with Mirko because she’s the love of his life so there! But Keigo has always hated lying and he knows the answer is no to all of the above. So he opts instead to say “I don’t see how that’s relevant.” “I give up. When Mirko inevitably slaps you or this otherwise blows up in your face at least try not to let it happen in front of paparazzi. Endeavor is very proud we’ve been bad headline free this month,” Tokoyami sighs before turning the opposite direction and leaving Hawks to his own devices.

“One question remains (y/n),” Katsuki announces to you as you both finish your drinks. “And what would that be?” you giggle. “Who are we taking home tonight? Or I guess who am I taking home and who are you convincing to take you to their home since you’re technically homeless,” he elaborates. “We told Midoriya we’d stay here and he could escort us back home so he wouldn’t have to worry,” you reply. “You were actually going to listen?” “No I was gonna sneak off during the speeches to bang someone and then be back here in time for Midoriya to escort us home.” “Smart woman.” “Thank you.” “So who are you thinking?” he asks.

Your eyes scan the banquet hall before finally alighting on a pair of red wings. He’s wearing a black suit with a tie and mask to match the color of his wings. His sandy blonde hair is wild and you wonder if it was styled that way or if the man had flown here and made it that way. Something about him is magnetic and you can’t explain why but you have a strong desire to follow its pull. “I may have found someone, not sure yet,” you hedge. Bakugo hums in acknowledgment as he too scans around the hall. “Why are you bothering to look?” you ask. “The fuck are you on about?” he questions back. “We both know you’re big gay for Red Riot. I would bet you have been since high school,” you tease. “Shut up,” Bakugo grouses. “Am I wrong though? He’s gotta be around here somewhere,” you say looking around. You finally spot the tell tale red hair of the man Bakugo once drunkenly confessed to you he lusts after. “There he is,” you grin. “I swear to god dumbass,” Bakugo warns, looking suddenly nervous. You roll your eyes and flag down one last glass of champagne. You press it into Bakugo’s hands and then you look him in the eye with all the seriousness your tipsy ass can muster. “Listen here Katsuki. Take this liquid courage, down it in one go, march right up to that sexy ass motherfucker and whisk him off his goddamn feet. You are Katsuki motherfucking Bakugo aka Dynamight aka explosion murder GOD, the number three hero in Japan. Now go get your mans,” you tell him. You watch his crimson eyes fill with determination and you have to resist laughing at the way he looks eerily similar to how he does before a particularly daunting battle. “I’m gonna do it,” he decides. “Fuck yes!” you encourage as he knocks back the champagne before passing you the empty glass and storming over to where Kirishima is.

Meanwhile Hawks is still searching for Mirko when he lays eyes on you instead. It’s like everything else stops. The rest of the world fades away as he watches you talk with Bakugo. There’s something about how casual and wild and free you look, even dressed as elegantly as you are. There’s something different about you and he can’t peel his eyes away. How has he never seen you before? Surely he would’ve noticed someone as captivating as you sooner. The speeches are due to start soon and he really should find a seat or something, but then Bakugo leaves and you’re standing there all alone and Hawks’ feet are taking him over to you without his brain having consciously decided to do so. “Mind if I join you?” he asks before he can talk himself out of it, taking a spot next to you leaning against the table. “Not at all,” you reply with a grin. Mirko walks right past the two of you and he doesn’t even notice, too caught up in your smile and your voice. God your voice is just as beautiful as the rest of you. “I don’t think I’ve seen you around before,” Hawks admits. “I could say the same to you,” you fire back. “Trust me this isn’t my first rodeo around here. But I’d remember someone as stunning as you coming to one of these,” Hawks replies easily. “Probably not if I was on another man’s arm,” you admit. “Oh, you have a boyfriend.” “Had a fiancé. Now I’m free,” you pause, looking him up and down, “well free as a bird I guess,” you finish smirking. Hawks laughs at that. “Wow, I definitely haven’t heard that one a million times,” he teases you. “I never said I was creative, just that I was free,” you tell him. When your eyes meet again it’s like a million volts have shot through your gazes and suddenly you’re hungry for him in a way you haven’t been hungry for anyone in a very long time. The lights dim as the first speaker takes the stage, out of the corner of your eye you notice a familiar blonde head leading a red one out of the room. A quick search soon reveals Midoriya eagerly watching the stage for whatever crusty retiree is about to speak. Basically, the coast is clear. “As much as I would love to listen to a bunch of old people recount stories of their hero glory days, what do you say you and I sneak over to the hotel bar for a drink,” you offer. “I’d like nothing more,” Hawks grins.

As it turns out the hotel bar is closed, but you and Hawks have no intentions of letting that stop your fun. After a quick check for security cameras or nosy bystanders, you reach out with your quirk and carefully bring a nice bottle of hard liquor from behind the bar. You promptly pass it to Hawks who raises an eyebrow at you. “I’ve been drinking most of the night, you sir need to catch up,” you explain cheekily. “Fair enough,” Hawks laughs. He cracks open the bottle and takes a long pull from it, wincing a little as it burns down his throat. “Now where to since the bar isn’t an option?” he asks. You pause and think for a moment before coming up with an idea. “Follow me,” you whisper conspiratorially before grabbing Hawks’ hand and dragging him down the hall to the stairs, both of you abandoning your masks as you go.

Hawks has never done anything this wild and reckless before. Regardless of the press’s perception of him, Hawks has had a highly regimented life since the HPSC took him in, and his sense of duty and responsibility had only grown since he properly began his career. Sure, he’s had a few girlfriends over the years, but he truly was looking for love in every one of them. Yes, even the ones after Mirko.

You are something different entirely. What he felt for all of them combined could not compare to the feelings racing through him now as the two of you run up the stairs two at a time, the sound of your footsteps echoing up the tight stairwell. He can’t take it anymore and when the two of you reach the next landing he tugs you into him by your hand and kisses you. He can taste the champagne on your tongue but there’s also something uniquely you in the kiss that he can’t get enough of. So he takes and takes and takes like a man starving and you’re all too happy to give it to him. When you two stop to catch your breath you whisper, “come on, we’re almost there,” and then press another kiss to his lips quickly before tugging him out the door into the hallway.

You keep going until you finally find the door you’re looking for. When you try the handle it’s locked but you’re not concerned. You bend down and extend your quirk into the lock, closing your eyes so you can concentrate. You can feel the different tumblers and get to work pushing at each one experimentally until they click into the proper position and the door unlocks. You grin and push the door open. “After you,” you say. “That’s a neat party trick. You sure you’re a hero?” Hawks teases as he steps into the room. As he finally turns to take it in he realizes you’ve brought him to the hotel pool. “I’m sure,” you laugh, “just grew up a bit rougher than most have. Lockpicking is pretty simple to be honest. Regardless, we should have this place to ourselves.” Hawks can relate but he’s not allowed to tell you that, so instead he asks “Oh really?” “Really.” “Wonder what we should get up to then,” he muses before suddenly pushing you into the water.

It takes a half a second for you to register what’s happening and then you’re plunging under the surface of the water. You quickly resurface and you want to be pissed but your mystery man is laughing and it’s so beautiful it’s as if the sun itself is contained within his smile. Something tells you he doesn’t laugh like this much, so, instead of getting angry, you decide to get even. “Oh you think that’s funny bird boy?” you ask. “I do,” he grins down at you as he stands what he thinks is a safe distance away from the pool’s edge. “Then why don’t you come join me,” you smile back. You reach out with your quirk, feeling it wrap around his body and then tug. You can see the shocked look on his face as your quirk drags him to the water’s edge and then unceremoniously dumps him in the water. As he comes up for air, shaking water out of his hair he looks so affronted but you can see the amusement there too. He hadn’t expected you to retaliate. So now it’s your turn to laugh. Even though your dress is probably ruined and your perfectly styled hair definitely is for the night, you laugh in a way you haven’t in ages. “Oh it’s on now,” Hawks declares and suddenly the two of you are splashing each other like children, both trying to use your quirks to gain an advantage. It’s crazy and chaotic and soon splashing turns to all but wrestling and when he finally has you pinned against him and immobilized, your back to his chest and his arms holding you tightly so you can’t squirm away, both of you stop. You both try to catch your breath, the sound of the water and your heavy breathing echoing off the pool walls. You can feel his growing erection pressing against you and you know how the rest of this will go. You’ve got an impressive resume of one night stand experience, have heard all the lines, so you’re prepared for whichever one he’s about to use. At least you think you are. “I’ve never met anyone like you before,” he whispers against the shell of your ear, “I don’t usually do stuff like this. Someone like you is new to me.” You’re about to roll your eyes when you notice his hands are shaking and it occurs to you that he must mean every word.

You hadn’t expected that. Not at all. This is different than those one night stands. He’s different. The scariest part is that this is new for you too. You don’t do play fighting in the pool. Even with Monoma there had been no magic in the relationship. It was a necessary work deal and then it morphed into something comfortable. When you invited Hawks to the bar you had just meant to drag him away for sex and then leave to go back to the gala the minute you both were satisfied. You’d weather Midoriya’s concerned look and Bakugo would high five you and then you’d forget about the mystery man with the red wings. You turn in his arms, your eyes meet his golden ones, and immediately your heartbeat is kicking in your chest. This is not that. This is more than that.

And that fucking terrifies you.

Before you can fully panic Hawks is kissing you with an intensity you can appreciate and a yearning you are shocked by but can relate to all the same. This is a one night deal. That’s how these things go. But there’s a small, traitorous part of you screaming that it doesn’t have to be this way. So you kiss him like this is the first of many to satiate that small part of you, but you also kiss him like it’s the last one ever because you know that’s the more likely option. You kiss him until kissing isn’t enough and your hands move to push his suit jacket off. He catches onto the memo quickly and removes his jacket easily before tossing it aside. He goes to remove his shirt and fumbles, Jesus Christ his hands are still shaking, so you replace his with yours and carefully begin to undo each button as he instead reaches to pull down the zipper of your dress. Between the two of you and your quirks it isn’t much longer until you’re both naked, pressed together, your clothes laid out on the side in the vague hope they’ll be drier by the time the two of you have to leave the haven you’ve created. You don’t even notice that Hawks is walking you backwards until you feel the pool ledge against your back but small details like that feel irrelevant when he’s got one hand on your waist to keep you steady and the other on your breast to thumb at your sensitive nipple.

“Up,” he commands and it sends a bit of a shiver down your spine as you obediently hop up onto the ledge. You expected him to join you but he doesn’t, instead grabbing your thighs and pulling you closer to him. It’s interesting looking down on him like this but you think you could get addicted to the hungry look in his eyes. He slowly spreads your thighs apart, maintaining eye contact in a silent request for permission as you realize what he has planned for you. You give a short nod and then he’s diving in, his tongue immediately licking up along your folds. You shudder and your grip on the pool ledge tightens as he finds your clit and begins to lavish attention on it, licking at and sucking on the sensitive nub. You think you could get off on that alone but then he switches focus, not wanting to end things too quickly, as he instead begins to tongue fuck you like his life depends on it. You throw your head back and moan as you feel his tongue sliding in and out of you, his nose occasionally brushing over your still sensitive clit. He reaches one hand up to give your nipples some attention too and soon you can’t help the keening noises that spill from your lips unbidden. You card one hand through his hair and then grab onto some of the locks as you press him in deeper, helping guide him and that magic tongue of his exactly where you want it. It doesn’t take much longer after that for you to reach climax and the look of smug satisfaction on his face after has you hungry for more of him.

You’d let him be the boss so far but it’s your turn now. “I need you up here now bird boy,” you pant as you try to catch your breath, tugging on his hair to emphasize your point. He looks a little bewildered but you can tell by the way his dick twitches he’s not opposed. “Yes ma’am,” he replies cheekily as he climbs out of the pool. As soon as he’s on the side with you you move to straddle his hips and his hands instinctively go to your waist. “Ready?” you ask and he quickly nods his head. You don’t need any more encouragement as you line yourself up and then slowly sink yourself down onto his dick. For some reason the moment you’ve fully sunk down and he’s buried all the way inside you is incredibly overwhelming. So overwhelming, in fact, you think you might cry. It’s inexplicable, but when your eyes meet Hawks’ you can tell he feels exactly the same. You stare at each other with watery eyes as he whispers “This is...” and trails off, shaking his head as he struggles to find the words to describe this moment. “Heaven in hiding,” you finish for him and it’s like something clicks into place in both your hearts. “Yea. This is heaven in hiding,” he confirms and then he’s kissing you and there’s something there you’re too terrified to identify but you still give it back to him.

You start moving, lifting your hips slowly before sinking back down onto him again and the way he whimpers into your mouth is intoxicating. He lets you control the rhythm as you ride his dick, instead focusing on trailing kisses down your neck as he rubs and pinches your nipples. You’re so incredibly tight around him that he can barely stand it. So he allows himself this surrender, allows himself to be lost in you and wholly unrestrained for the first time in a very, very long time. “Can I-?” you ask with your hand reaching for, but stopping just shy of, his wings so he can see what you’re doing and decide first. He drops his hands to your waist to still you for a second as he stares at your face in wonder almost. “No one’s bothered to ask before,” he confesses and he hadn’t really realized how much that bothered him until now. “They should’ve,” you reply simply. He takes hold of one of your hands and brings it to his mouth to press a kiss to your knuckles before guiding your hand to one of his wings. You carefully run your hands through the feathers beneath your fingertips, shocked at their softness, and notice the way he shivers at the touch. “Are they sensitive?” you ask curiously as you continue to stroke them. “Fuck. Yes baby, very,” he groans as he leans forward to rest his head against your shoulder, his grip on your hips tightening. You experimentally clench your fist around a handful of the feathers and tug slightly, immediately his hips buck up into you and he groans. “It’s ok I’ve got you,” you tell him. He pulls back so he can finally look into your eyes again and quietly replies “I know.”

You’re not even sure who initiated it this time when the two of you begin kissing each other again. You start riding him again, the two of you quickly finding a tender rhythm together to move in sync. His wings flare and puff up behind him as if loving the sudden attention you’re giving them and as you continue to stroke through them Hawks brings one of his hands to your clit to provide extra stimulation to you too. Your moans echo back to you and it’s like the two of you are creating a symphony in this little safe haven you’ve created for yourselves in the hotel pool and it’s all so much. Almost too much. You can feel tears on your cheeks and you’re not sure if they’re yours or his, but you don’t care. You don’t care in the slightest you just need him, all of him. Finally you give a particularly strong tug on his feathers and it’s enough to have him crying out as he reaches his orgasm. The feeling of him filling you up and the gorgeous picture he makes is enough to send you over the edge as well and there’s nothing either of you can do besides hold each other tightly, moans choking out of your throats like sobs as you’re overwhelmed by your climaxes and the unnamed feelings bursting between the two of you.

When the feeling finally passes it leaves both of you somewhat drained as you pant to catch your breath. Hawks carefully reaches a hand to your cheek and brushes away your tears. You’re more than happy to return the favor. Turns out both of you had been crying. “Was that as insane and overwhelming for you as it was me,” Hawks asks quietly. “Yea... Yea it really fucking was,” you confess. “Good,” Hawks replies before pressing another sweet kiss to your lips. Both of you have the distinct thought, “I could stay like this forever,” at the same time, but it would seem the universe has other plans.

Your quiet moment is disturbed by the sound of an alarm blaring overhead. You both curse your luck but still are in no hurry to move. You carefully remove yourself from his dick, trying diligently to ignore how obscene it looks to watch his cum start to dribble out of you and how it feels like a loss for it not to stay. Hawks seems to be having similar thoughts but tears his eyes away as he goes to get dressed. You use your quirk to squeeze out as much water as you can from your dress without further damaging it. The alarm is still blaring and you’re both well aware you should be moving with more urgency but it’s hard to make yourselves leave the little world you created for yourselves in here. Once you’re both redressed you quietly clasp each other’s hands and finally leave the room.

The alarm is even louder in the hallway and it’s like the magic of the previous moment is shattered by it. “We probably should arrive separately. Avoid scandal and all that,” you say. “You’re right,” he admits. Neither of you let go of the other’s hand. Finally you sigh, pressing a quick kiss to his lips, before slipping your hand from his and heading the opposite direction. You both jog away in a bid to exit the building and figure out what’s going on when a thought strikes you. You don’t know each other’s names. You decide it’s for the best. Hawks spins around to try and catch up to you and ask but you’re already gone. It feels like an ending.

It’s actually only the beginning.

Author’s Note: I typically try to keep the reader’s quirk nonspecific in my work because I know a lot of people have ideas of what they’d want their quirk to be if they were in the MHA universe but (y/n)’s quirk has plot relevance so I gave her a specific one. She can move objects with her mind (telekinesis) but she feels it almost like a physical sensation, as if there’s an invisible extension of herself reaching out to grab things. It’s why she can use it for something as specific as picking a lock. As y’all can see this one got away from me lol but I hope it’s worth the wait. OH ALSO the pool scene is inspired by the one from Baz Luhrman’s Romeo and Juliet.

Taglist [open]: @akkaso @cathy8taffy @eeppff

[smutfanfictionlover-blog]

Younghoon - Extraordinary blind-date - M

WARNING: DETAILED SMUT SCENES AND FOUL LANGUAGE AHEAD!

 Y/N’s friend named Minjung is a fan of the Boyz and she saw that The Boyz will be having a special secret event for those who will be chosen by the members.

“Oh! I wonder what might be the members will prepare for the chosen fans?” Minjung thought and Y/N saw what she is looking out in her computer and…

"Minjung, what are you waiting for? go and register now and you might be chosen by one of their members," Y/N said and Minjung was kinda startled at her appearance.

"I will do that later, okay? Also, do you want me to register for you?" Minjung asked.

“Huh? Me? Why? I am not a fan of them,” Y/N said and Minjung laughed at her.

“Really? But why are you looking at the photos of the members?” Minjung asked.

“Minjung, it doesn’t mean that when I look for their photos I am already their huge fan, okay? It was just curiosity I think because you somehow introduced them to me,” Y/N said.

"Oh! Okay! But I want to ask you if you will have the chance to date one of them, who are you going to choose?" Minjung asked.

“Ummm… I will choose Younghoon because he is just very handsome and tall and I think he has a bright personality too. Why did you ask?” Y/N said.

“Okay! I am just curious,” Minjung said.

“I will just go back to work and I hope you will be chosen by one of the members. Good luck!” Y/N said.

"Okay! Okay! Thanks, Y/N!" Minjung said and Y/N just went back to work. Then Minjung suddenly thought of an idea and she just did her plan within the day. As time goes by, it was the day of the announcement of the chosen fans that will have a special secret event and Minjung checked the list of the names of the fans and as she reading each name, she was shocked because…

"OMG! Y/N and I are chosen for the event! I should also check out what Younghoon will be his secret event for Y/N," Minjung thought and as she checked out Younghoon's event, she was surprised and it was…

"Oh! It was a blind date! How lucky Y/N is and she should thank me later for registering her in this event," Minjung thought. Then she decided to approach Y/N and…

“Y/N on Saturday, I set you up a blind date to someone and you should go to this address *gave a note to her* You can thank me later!” Minjung said as she winked at her and Y/N was shocked at her statement.

“What? Are you serious? Also, you know that I don’t like blind dates, right?” Y/N said and Minjung sighed.

"Y/N, just for once, just meet him on Saturday and I bet you will like him very much. Also, you are too focused on work and you should meet other people too," Minjung said and it was Y/N's turn to sigh.

“Fine! Make sure that I will like him very much, huh? I will remember your words to me,” Y/N said.

“You will never regret meeting him on Saturday. I promise that to you!” Minjung said.

“Okay! If you said so. Then I will just meet him this weekend,” Y/N said.

“Great! Good luck in meeting him and make sure to tell me about how’s your meet up with him,” Minjung said.

“Don’t worry I will definitely tell you!” Y/N said and Minjung nodded and just went back to her working station.

"OMG! I am excited for her! But of course, I am also excited to see my one and only Jacob!" Minjung thought.

FAST FORWARD…

It was Saturday and it was the day where Y/N will meet her blind date and she noticed that it was a luxurious hotel and…

"Wow! It will be my first time to see him but he already wants me to him in a luxurious hotel? I wonder where did Minjung meet this guy?" Y/N thought and just went inside the elevator but when the elevator was about to close, suddenly someone ran over and she was shocked because it was…

“OMG! Younghoon of The Boyz is here? Are you serious? He is just so gorgeous and he is really tall and handsome!” Y/N thought as she stared at him and Younghoon noticed it and he slightly laughing at her.

“Ummm… Miss do you recognize me?” Younghoon asked.

“She’s beautiful and it seems she will meet someone today,” Younghoon thought

"Yes! You are Younghoon from the Boyz, right?" Y/N said.

"Oh! So you are a fan of our group?" Younghoon asked.

"Ummm... I am not totally a fan of The Boyz but my friend introduced me to the group because she is a huge fan of it," Y/N said as she smiled at her.

“Oh! I see! By the way, are we going on the same floor?” Younghoon asked.

“Yup! I am also going to the fifth floor and my friend set me up for a blind date but I am kinda surprised that my blind date wants to meet me here,” Y/N said and Younghoon just laughed at her. As both of them went outside the elevator, Y/N is searching for the room but she noticed that Younghoon is going in the same direction with her and when both of them reached the hotel room, Y/N was surprised when Younghoon opened the door and he noticed that she is staring at him.

“Ummm… Mind to tell me, why are you still here?” Younghoon asked and Y/N checked again the note to ensure if the room number is correct and she blushed.

“Oh gosh! Is this the blind date is Minjung talking about?” Y/N thought and she just smiled at him.

“Ummm… my friend sent me this yesterday but I don’t know if this was correct or not,” Y/N said as she showed the note to him and Younghoon looked at it and he was kinda surprised.

“Well, this is the right place. By the way, what is your name?” Younghoon asked as he looked at her and Y/N gulped.

"I am Park Y/N. Why?" Y/N asked as she looked back at him and then Younghoon checked the name of the fan that was chosen by him and he just smiled at her.

“So, you are Y/N. Nice to meet you! Well, I just checked the name of the fan that I chose for the past few days and it was really you!” Younghoon said as he smiled at her and Y/N was shocked at his revelation.

“Ummm… what are you talking about?” Y/N asked.

“We can talk about it inside the room. Shall we?” Younghoon said and Y/N nodded and both of them went inside and the room was spacious and it was like a condo unit where it has a living room and dining area. Then both of them sat down in the living room and started to talk about what was happening.

"Y/N, didn't you remember that you registered with our special secret event?" Younghoon asked and Y/N was quietly thinking and she suddenly remembered and…

“Wait! I think my friend registered me for that event and she didn’t tell me about it. I am really sorry and I really don’t know about this,” Y/N said and Younghoon laughed at her.

“That’s funny, your friend registered you and probably she knows that you are not a fan of The Boyz, right?” Younghoon said.

“Yup! But I think she has a reason. Also, I remembered she asked me if I have the chance to date one of you in The Boyz, who I want to date,” Y/N said and Younghoon slightly smirked at her,

“Oh! So, who did you choose?” Younghoon said as he suddenly went closer to her and Y/N was shocked and blushed at his actions but she didn’t move an inch away from him and when Younghoon was already beside her…

“Ummm… I told my friend it was Sangyeon,” Y/N said as she lied to him and Younghoon raised one of his eyebrows.

"Really? But why did your friend registered you for my event? Instead of Sangyeon?" Younghoon said as he looked at her and Y/N blushed.

“Oh gosh! What am I supposed to answer him?” Y/N thought.

“I think the slots for Sangyeon are already full that time,” Y/N said and Younghoon smirked at her.

"Y/N, you can't lie to me because I saw the time and date of your friend's registration and that time, Sangyeon’s slots are still available," Younghoon said and Y/N's eyes went wide, and gulped.

“Oh shit! I shouldn’t have lied to him!” Y/N thought and her thoughts were cut-off when Younghoon suddenly held her hand and guided her to the bed and pushed her.

“Oh shit! Where is this going?” Y/N thought and Younghoon smirked at her.

"Y/N, just think that this will be one of your memorable blind dates with me today. But because you lied to me, I should punish you for being a bad girl to me," Younghoon said and Y/N was shocked at his sudden change of mood and Younghoon kissed her hungrily but she can't respond to the kiss because she can't process what is really happening now and then suddenly one of Younghoon's hands went to her breast and squeezed it and she moaned at his actions and also, made her just responded to his hungry kisses to her. As they continued their hot make-out session in the bed, they pulled out from the kiss and he stared at Y/N with lust.

"Clothes off now!" Younghoon said and Y/N just obeyed him and he also removed his clothes. Then after both of them were naked, Younghoon stared at her and licked his lips.

“So sexy and hot Y/N!” Younghoon said as he hovered above her and he kissed her neck and that made Y/N moaned his name softly and she ran her hands on his broad back. Then while Younghoon is giving attention to her neck, he bit and licked her earlobe that made Y/N moan his name again and he made a visible hickey on her neck and as he saw it, he smirked and…

“Y/N, starting today you are now my girlfriend and you are now mine!” Younghoon said and Y/N was shocked at his statement.

"Wait! What is he talking about? I will be his girlfriend for real? He's joking, right? Oh well! I should just ask him later," Y/N thought. Then Younghoon's lips went to her breast and sucked it harshly that made also a hickey on it and as he bit her nipples, she moaned his name loudly and she pushed his head more and he smirked at her actions.

“So sensitive! I like it!” Younghoon said as he bit her nipple and pulled it slightly and then he traced kisses in her stomach and into her inner thighs and he slightly bites it that made her moan softly and he suddenly spread her legs wide and Y/N became shy and she just stared in the ceiling and gulped at the same time and Younghoon noticed her.

"Y/N, look at me! I want you to watch how I devour you and I want to see you how much you want this!" Younghoon said and Y/N just looked at him and it was a hot sight for her to see him between her legs and he smirked at her and when she was about to talk, he suddenly plunged his tongue to her and eat her out and suddenly Y/N's head went back to the pillow and moaned his name loudly and gripped tightly the bedsheets. Then Younghoon decided to pull her legs more to him to have more access to her core as his tongue got deeper to her and Y/N arched her back because of the pleasure she felt and Younghoon hummed in satisfaction as he saw that she was moaning his name non-stop.

"Shit! Moan my name more baby girl!" Younghoon said as he continued to eat her out and without a warning, she cum in his mouth and as he sucked all her juices that are coming out from her core, it made a slurping sound in the room and after he stopped at his action, he stared at her and he went to his bag and get a condom and put it in his cock and Y/N was shocked and gulped.

“Gosh! Is he really expecting that we will do this today?” Y/N thought and then Younghoon hovered above her and looked at her.

“Are you ready for me, Y/N?” Younghoon asked.

"Yes, Younghoon! I am ready for you!" Y/N said and Younghoon smirked at her and he inserted his cock into her and Y/N yelped in pain but Younghoon suddenly stopped and cupped her face.

“Y/N are you okay?” Younghoon asked.

“Don’t worry about me. You can just move,” Y/N said and Younghoon just nodded and he decided to thrust his cock to her at a fast pace and Y/N moaned his name and both of them tried to make eye contact.

“Oh shit! You’re so tight, Y/N!” Younghoon said as he gripped her waist tightly and thrust his cock to her harder that made Y/N screamed and arched her back violently because of the overwhelming pleasure she felt.

“Shit! M-more Younghoon!” Y/N said.

“Are you sure about that? I will have no control for you if you beg me like that baby girl!” Younghoon said as he still thrusting to her hard and both of them looked at each other.

"Just do it Younghoon! It just feels so good!" Y/N said and Younghoon smirked at her and he suddenly stopped at his action and he decided to lift Y/N's whole body while he was still inside her and made her sat on his cock and because she was really tired, she just hugged Younghoon and laid her head on his shoulder and then he thrust his cock to her upwards at a hard pace and that made Y/N moaned loudly his name, bite Younghoon's shoulder and digs her nails on to his back that made a sexy groan from him.

“Fuck! Feels so good deep inside of you!” Younghoon said and as he became tired of moving upwards to her, he suddenly lifted her hips and slammed it down to his cock and Y/N screamed his name.

“Shit! You are taking my cock so well!” Younghoon said as he continued to hold her hips up and down to her cock.

“Younghoon! Oh shit! I will cum any moment!” Y/N said.

"Cum with me!" Younghoon said and in a few thrust of his cock, both of them moaned each other's names as they cum and Younghoon laid gently Y/N in the bed and pulled out his cock to her and threw the condom in a trash bin, and went back to lay beside her.

“Gosh! I didn’t expect that this blind date will be like this,” Y/N said and Younghoon laughed at her.

“But it was fun, right?” Younghoon said as he smiled at her and Y/N blushed.

“It was fun. But I want to ask you why did you choose me when my friend registered me for that so-called event?” Y/N said as she looked at her.

“I just chose you because your friend sent some photos that you are looking at my photos and I think you are attractive and beautiful and I wanted to meet you,” Younghoon said as he smiled brightly at her.

“OMG! He is really handsome when he smiles like that,” Y/N thought as she smiled back at him.

“But are you really sure that you want me to be your girlfriend? Even though we just met today?” Y/N asked.

"Yup! I am serious about this, Y/N, and also, think that this is a real blind date, not a fan-idol blind date, okay? I love you Y/N!" Younghoon said as he winked at her.

"I love you too so much Younghoon!" Y/N said as she smiled at him. Then he kissed Y/N passionately again and suddenly they went for another round of sex until Y/N was completely exhausted.

“Shit! I thought this will be over! But I don’t mind because this is the best blind date that I ever had,” Y/N thought.

   끝 THE END

Thank you for reading my one-shot smut fan fiction of  The Boyz Younghoon!

Stay tuned for the next member! :)

고마워요 여러분! (Thanks, Everyone!)

[inamaranthinedreams]

Even the best men in my life always lie

They say journaling is good for self healing.  Nothing else seems to be helping so I figure I'll give it a shot.

13 years ago I met a man I thought was amazing.  6 years ago I finally realized he was a total piece of shit.  Not only had he completely ruined my life, gaslit me at every opportunity, and made me genuinely believe I wasn't worth shit, he ended the relationship because he was fucking my best friend.  At that point I realized I'd never trust another person again.

n the 2 years after my ex and I broke up, I hopped into many beds.  Not so many that I don't know the approximate number, but enough that I don't know the exact.  Because I didn't trust anyone, I drank a lot to numb my feelings.  I went to work, I went to the bar, I fucked a guy (maybe a one night stand, maybe a couple times, depending on how bad he was in bed), and I went home.  And repeat.

Four years ago I met a guy.  He seemed funny and a good drinking buddy.  We went out drinking a couple nights after we met, had a good night.  And of course I ended up in his bed.  Where else would I end up?  That's when I found out he was relatively (very) inexperienced and I was the slut in comparison.  Why he chose me when he could do better, I'm not sure.

That year for Halloween apparently he fell in love with me.  We started dating.  I didn't take it seriously, I knew he'd lose interest in me or I'd lose interest in him and we'd move on. I never cheated on him, but I "knew" things weren't going to work out.  I used to post my nudes online as some sort of validation, since my parents gave me a totally fucked up idea of how women should be.  Women are only here for sexual pleasure, and I needed people to tell me I was fuckable.  Since I wasn't fucking other men anymore, I especially needed that attention.  But he didn't like it so I agreed to stop, if he agreed to stop cruising those subreddits.  Tit for tat, if you will, no pun intended.  I did hold up my end of the bargain.  He never held up his.  I suppose in hind sight I did know, but I wanted to pretend he was a good man.

Three months later he proposed.  Two years later I finally figured out he was serious and we got married.  Only one year later I was pregnant (on purpose) and at 30 years old I had a good career that pays well, a husband, a baby on the way, a mortgage, and everything you're supposed to have as a white suburban woman.  I think.

He loved me.  I think.  He doted on me and made sure I was never sad.  He was never emotionally abusive the way my exes were.  He cared how I felt, he would do anything to make me happy.  Well, almost anything.

When I was about 3 months pregnant, he was so happy to my face about the pregnancy.  But apparently under his skin this was all boiling into a mess. His anxiety was destroying him, and apparently his addiction to porn, a coping mechanism he'd had since he was 12, was his only joy in life.  He would watch women get anally fucked, every single day, for several hours a day.  Not even as a "means to an end" but just as a dopamine rush to make him feel better about the life he apparently didn't want.  Despite "wanting" to get married and "wanting" to have a baby, the anxiety was eating him alive and he was miserable.  I could no longer make him happy like porn could.  Our sex life died.  Our communication halted.  We were never happy.  My sex drive, which was already high before pregnancy, had ramped up to 11 because of all the hormones.  I could have had sex every hour for the entire 9 months, even despite the morning sickness and fatigue.  And he couldn't/wouldn't give it to me because all he wanted was other women.

I finally asked him to stop watching porn and seek therapy.  This isn't a healthy coping mechanism as an escape to his sad life and he needs to either deal with it, or make life better.  Running away from reality isn't a way to live.  He agreed.  At 6 months pregnant, I found out he was still lying.  He wasn't watching hardcore porn anymore, he was watching girls squatting on YouTube because that "wasn't as bad" but at the same time told me he "didn't think about it."  I'm not sure how you can "not think about it" when you're actively justifying why you watched that instead of PornHub. But what do I know, I'm not an addict.

At 8 months pregnant, he came home from a business trip.  I found out once again, he had lied.  He still was doing it and hiding it from me.  He refused therapy.  He "knew" he could do better.

Throughout all this, I had provided him a folder of photos and videos of me and us, for him to use at his leisure as long as it didn't impact our active sex life.  Time and time again he disregarded my content in favor of women on reddit, etc.  He almost never looked at me.  One time he told me that he would watch porn to get excited and then use mine sometimes to finish the job.  As if that's supposed to make me feel better.

2 weeks after our baby girl was cut from my belly, in an emergency c section that I actually felt because the epidural didn't work on my right side, I found out he was yet again lying.  I decided that was it.  Sore from the surgery and exhausted from a colicky baby, I asked for a divorce.  He cried, I cried, he promised he'd go to therapy.  Things would be better.  He'd "do anything" for me.

Anything but temporarily stop using porn, the first four times I asked, of course.

We're six months from that day now.  He swears it's better.  I have, with his permission, gone through his stuff to see if he's still lying.  I can't find evidence that he is a liar, the way he has been for the first four years of our relationship, but I wonder if he's just gotten better at hiding it.

So here we are.  I am six months post partum.  I hate my body.  I hate the stretch marks and the saggy skin.  Every once in a while I see my body and it occurs to me that I grew an entire person.  Those stretch marks and saggy skin are battle scars.  But then I see my husband's eyes land on those and I feel small and ugly and disgusting.  He has never treated me this way, but the very fact that he continues to choose other women, and is willing to risk his marriage and relationship with his child just so he can peruse other women's nudes and feel a little better about his sad shitty life, to me it says I don't mean anything to him.  He wants things to be better.  But as far as I'm concerned he can change all he wants now, he wasn't willing to change when it really mattered.  

And now when he looks at me I feel disgust.  And when I look at him, I also feel disgust.  I want to feel the way I used to when he would fuck me.  I want to feel sexy and desired, not as just a replacement or a "you'll do" when all he really wants is his porn stars.  I used to have sex with him and even his negative aspects I found endearing.  Now I look at him and think, if he wants some young thick/fit little thing, why shouldn't I want a guy with a 6 pack abs and a dick the size of a 20oz Red Bull?  When he's spending hours pouring over his cartoon porn with perfectly and impossibly shaped women, why shouldn't I be spending hours drooling over uncut men?  If he doesn't want me, then I don't want him either.

But he says he does want me.  He says he wants to be with me, emotionally and sexually, and I'm all he wants in the world.  But when I asked him to make a compromise with me, just temporarily to get our relationship on track, that wasn't worth it.  He wasn't willing to give up the girls who wouldn't even care enough to scoff in his direction if they saw him in real life.  They were so much more important than I ever was or will be to him.  How do I recover from that?

This journal has been made just so I can ramble here when things get really bad. When I'm disgusted by him and want to do myself in.  When I feel like there's no hope and I need to get a divorce.  Because in 6 months I have felt worse and worse about myself and at this point I am torn between feeling very proud of my personal and professional life, and just feeling like I hope I don't wake up tomorrow.

[wonderingarmy]

Prince Park Jimin Part 3

Links - Part 1   Part 2

Jimin hasn’t seen you since the party and he and Jane became official. The media started going crazy about it and everybody ship both of them. Although this happened, Jimin still knows that he’s missing something he doesn’t know what.

He heard from your sister that Jessie asked you out again, but you told him that you’re not planning to be in a relationship for awhile and that you just don’t feel the same with Jessie anymore. He also heard that you’ve been more focused on your studies and even getting a an award for the graduation that’s happening soon.

“Noona, why are you even telling me this?” Jimin asked your sister when she just can’t stop talking about how proud she is of you while she’s doing his hair.

“Ah, I am sorry. I know you don’t care about her anymore. But, I am just really proud of her. She’s come a long way.” your sister replied excitedly. “She even has a job waiting for her she graduates. And she told me she’s already looking for an apartment for herself. I mean, I am going to miss her, but it’s time for me to have my own life and finally find myself a boyfriend.”

“Ah noona, you’re funny.” Jimin said smiling.

He thought of you and what you have been doing lately, or what you’ve been doing at that moment. He misses you and the way you make him laugh at small things.

“If only she feels the way I feel about her, it wouldn’t be this hard for me.” Jimin muttered to himself.

Right then Jane came in the dressing room, went straight to Jimin and kiss him full on the lips. Your sister had to back away, muttering something that nobody heard. Jimin was surprised at what Jane just did and held her shoulders and gently pushed her away.

“Ah, Jane. What are you doing here?” Jimin asked

Jane sat on his lap and said “I just finished with our performance and I know you guys are next to perform and I want to wish you good luck.”

Yoongi who is having his hair fixed and sitting on a chair not to far from Jimin interrupted and said, “That doesn’t look like a good luck wish to me.”

“What did you say?”, Jane asked looking at Yoongi with an angry look but Yoongi just shrugged.

“Jane”, Jimin said, “I would appreciate it if you don’t do that next time.”

“Why? You’re my boyfriend”, she said defensively

“Yes, I know that but it’s kind of disrespectful for other people.”

Jane stood up and said. “Wow Jimin, when did you become like a grandma? Anyways, talk to you later. Love you!”, she said eyeing Yoongi one last time and left the dressing room.

Jungkook who was on one of the couch across the room started imitating Jane and everyone started laughing.

“Word of advice. If you’re going to replace my sister, maybe you should make a better choice next time. I mean my sister is annoying, but not that annoying” Your sister said, getting back to ironing Jimin’s hair.

Later that night, before Jimin went to sleep, he started a live broadcast. He started reading comments from all the fans that are watching when one comment caught his eye.

“Jimin, I hope you’re always happy!”

“Ah”, Jimin said, “I am always happy. I mean it’s not always a good day. But I always try to find something to make me happy or do something that I know will make me happy.Plus, Army always makes me happy.”

After the live broadcast, Jimin received a message from Jane asking why he hasn’t text her but he ignored it. Jimin couldn’t get his sleep that night and decided to open his laptop and browse at your old pictures together. He’s been doing this a lot when he couldn’t go back to sleep, just like how he always needs to text you or talk to you when you were still friends. The pictures brings back a lot of good memories that you have shared with him and he wonders if you even fell in love with him at one point in your life.

The next day, Jane messaged Jimin again to go to the mall with her. Again, feeling bad about last night, Jimin agreed to meet her at the mall at 4pm.

“You’re not going to pick me up?” Jane texted back.

“I can pick you up” Jimin replied, not wanting to argue.

When they got to the mall, Jane started going from store to store and just browsing for a long time and buying one one thing. Jimin is left always sitting on one of the chairs, holding a shopping bag.

“Babe, does this make me look good”, “Babe, does this make me look big?”, Babe, what do you think of this? Is this too sexy?’

And Jimin would always nod and nod and nod without even having a glance at her. Jimin is finally glad when they reached Jane’s last favorite store.

“Finally, I am so hungry.”, Jimin muttered to himself

“What?”, Jane asked

“Nothing.”Jimin replied. “Just pick what you want and I’ll just play my games here”. He found a chair in front of the store and he sat down. Jane went inside and started browsing on some very expensive clothes. After a few moments of being bored, Jimin was about ready to get up, when you passed by in front of him.

“Y/N”, he whispered

He was going to follow you when he got interrupted again by Jane.

“Who’s that?”, she asked

“Who’s what?”

“That girl? You were about to follow her?”

“Jane, I have no idea what you’re talking about?”, Jimin lied.

“Fine”, she said rolling her eyes. “Let’s grab some food? I am starving.”

Jimin nodded and Jane annoyingly hooked her arms around his. When they got to the food court, Jimin excused himself to go to the restroom. He kept thinking about you and how he could’ve had the chance to talk to you but he couldn’t.

As he was walking back to the food court, he saw Jane arguing with somebody. He ran towards her and as he’s getting closer, he noticed that it’s you she’s arguing with.

“You better replace my shoes! Do you even know how much this is?”, Jane yelled at Y/N. Looks like a cup of juice spilled on her shoes.

You didn’t say anything. Jimin started pulling Jane away from you. “Jane, let’s go.”, he said calmly

“I am not going anywhere. This stupid bitch pushed me. And I am not letting her get away with it until she pays for my shoes.”

“I did not push you.”, you finally said.

“Yes, you did Y/N! You think I don’t know who you are? You’re mad because Jimin is my boyfriend? Do you really think you’re good for him?” she yelled even louder. She doesn’t care about all the people who are now staring and wondering what’s going on.

“Jane, this is absurd. I am sure it was just an accident. We need to go.”, Jimin said, trying to pull Jane.

“Why are you defending her?”

Jimin didn’t say anything at first. He stared at you who’s now looking down on your shoes, your face red, and he knows how much you’re forcing yourself not to cry.

“Because I know her Jane.” Jimin finally said. He saw three security guards coming from behind you and before he knew it, he grabbed your hands, pulled you and you both ran away from the crowd, leaving Jane screaming hear heart out.

When you reached the parking lot, you stopped running. Jimin looked at you, wrapped his arms around you and started asking if you’re okay. You finally let go of the tears that you’ve holding for what seemed like forever.

“I am sorry, Y/N.” Jimin said, rubbing your back. He gently pulled you away from him and wiped your tears.

“Why did you grab me instead of her? I am not Jane.”, you said between your sobs.

“Do you really think I’d choose to save that crazy lady before you? I mean, you’re crazy but that one? I am not sure she’s smoking.”, Jimin said smiling. “Let’s go, I’ll take you home.” he insisted.

When you get to his car, he told you how he thought Jane is going to be a great girl for her but after a month of dating, she turned into something he didn’t know. How she is so different from what the fans see and what is behind every stage and performance. That he likes her, but she’s different from the Jane that he first met.

“She even disrespects the other members, who are my friends, my family.”, he finished.

“I am sorry.”, you replied. “Do you think she’s still want to talk to you after this?”

“I doubt it. But hey, enough of her. Are you okay?”

“I’ll be fine.” you replied.

He insisted on staying with you til he knows that you’re really better when you got to your apartment. But you assured him, that you’ll be fine. That it’s not like it’s the worst thing that happened to you.

The following day, Jimin woke up with Jane all over social media. There’s also some of him and you, but they are more focused on what scandal Jane had made. Her agency already released a statement saying that they’ll make sure to take a serious action about what Jane has done and that she’ll be suspended for awhile and will seek help about her anger issues. Jimin tried to call her but it went straight to her voicemail. He sent her a long message how sorry he is of what had happened and how he chose to grab you instead of her. She also decided to send her a big bouquet of flowers and a long message.

After a few weeks of Jane not replying, she finally sent Jimin a long text saying how she is sorry that she was a bad girlfriend for her. That she’ll seek help and become a better person and that she hopes Jimin is still single when that happens. She told her that she’s going to announce her retirement from showbiz industry that day and will find a job that she can handle better. Jimin wished her well and that he hopes and pray that she’ll get better as soon as possible. And that he’s sorry all of this happened.

Jimin tried to do his best for you to become close again, and although it wasn't like before, you are slowly starting to become friends again. He would always ask you to hang out but you’ve been really busy with school especially that you’re graduating in a week. He started texting you more and more when he can, but you both never talked about what you were before  because he was too afraid to have it com up again. He finally made up his mind that it doesn’t matter that you are both in a relationship with each other. He can just love you and ask for nothing in return.

The day of the graduation came and Jimin found out that you’re the salutatorian. Jimin and the rest of the BTS members are so proud of you that they decided to go and surprise you on your graduation. They were all sitting with your sister  in the very back of the hall, wearing caps and masks, and trying to keep it down low so they don’t take away the attention from the graduates. After a half an hour of boring speeches,, you took the center stage and started doing your speech as well.

You talked about how you wouldn’t be where you are without the help of your sister who took you in and fed you despite all the complains that you always get from her. You told the listeners not to stop reaching for their dreams and to never ever lose hope. You were so nervous about this day that you didn’t really prepare a great and inspirational speech. You just did a usual speech and made sure you didn’t plagiarised. You were about to finish your speech when you remembered something.

“I want to apologize for a real boring speech, but I feel like I really have to say this. Some of my friends know him and some of you don’t, but I want to thank this guy who became a part of my life since I started living here in Seoul. I want to say that I am really sorry that I had to make you wait. I was just really scared because I am so ordinary and you’re like this super extraordinary person. But I wanna let you know that I care and I will always care for you and that you’re  very special person. I regret being scared before and not taking a chance but I want to let you know that I want to wait for you this time. No matter how long. Thank you guys for listening, and to everyone that videotaped this please spread it like germs, I hope he sees it. Hope you guys all be successful in the future and always be happy, that’s the most important thing. Congratulations graduates!”

Before you could bow your head, Jimin slowly stood up and walk closer to the stage removing his mask and his baseball cap. He started clapping his hands, and some of the audience and graduates followed. You saw him and you both stared at each other, you waved at him and you both smiled at each other.

After the ceremony, everyone was congratulating each other. You ran towards your sister and the members. Your sister hugged you and was crying non stop saying how she’s so proud of you.

“Ah, unnie, stop making me cry.” you told her when she pulled away.

“I am just really happy for you.”, she replied.

The rest of the members gave you a hug and when it was Jimin’s turn, he didn’t hug you. He pressed his lips against yours and you didn’t know what to do but you just closed your eyes and felt your world has started to make sense again. You can hear your sister yelp and the rest of the members cheering.

“I am not going to make you wait and I am not wasting any more time wondering what it’s like to be your boyfriend.” Jimin told you, you nose still touching.

Everyone was congratulating you when Taehyung’s phone rang.

“Hello”, he said.” What? Okay. I’ll be right there.” Taehyung hung up his phone, stared at all you and shook his head. “I have to go. She’s in critical condition.”, he said, his hands shaking, tears about to fall down his cheeks.

“I’ll drive you.”Jin said. Jin and Taehyung left you and the rest of the members.

Jimin held your hand, looked at you and you can tell that he’s worried about Taehyung. You gripped his hand tighter hoping and praying that everything’s okay with Tae.

[staceyhcsrek17]

Thinking Over You

This is my message in a bottle - hoping the oceanic universe that crossed our paths will bring this to you.  I’m too scared to tell you myself but I’m almost more scared of you never knowing what I was thinking the whole time.  

It was a night in October that brought me here.  I feel for as much as I think about it and consciously slip it into casual conversation that I should remember the exact day but I don’t.  If I go back and look in the calendar I could probably figure out the exact date but is it really that important? It was a Saturday night in October.  The night was almost unseasonably warm but not in an Indian summer type of way; in that way October has become in Pennsylvania - chilly and dewy in the morning and by the afternoon the sun has evaporated all the fog and mist into a hot sweat tickling under your sweater. I can’t remember if the leaves were changing or if it had been cool that morning.  I just know it was a night early in October and it was a little warmer than usual and I was feeling unusually restless.  I guess it was not that unusual for a twenty-three old, just a couple months fresh from college, a newly minted nurse with some money in my pocket for the first time.  Nonetheless, I was itching to get out of my apartment and forget the gnashing feeling against my ribs that while I was making sure other people’s family members avoided the grave until at least 7:15, I myself wanted to die - at work at least.  I think my friends, also nurses, felt similarly, but I don’t know if it was to the same degree that I did.  

It was a Saturday night in October and I needed a drink.  And to dance.  I was debating even going out though; something about my makeup maybe?  Having nothing to wear?  Honestly, I couldn’t tell you.

“Come over.  We have a friend staying over that I think you’ll really like ;).”

“Lol, probably.”

I guess I was going out; my hair and makeup be damned, it was already getting late.  I touched up my face makeup, maybe added some eyeliner.  Did it really matter to you?  Did you even notice?  I combed my fingers through my hair, which was locks of dark brown that almost fell to my waist a week ago, that I had chopped so short that I couldn’t even put it in a ponytail.  I guess I just straightened it not knowing what to do with this new version of my hair - this new version of me.  I chose a shirt that was somewhat low-cut, showing off my barely-there fabricated cleavage and a pair of denim shorts that were a little too short and tight for my chubby butt cheeks; perfect for a night at one of Bethlehem’s South Side dive bars.  

I remember that I ubered there, knowing that I would imbibe far past the physical and legal capacities to drive home.  I waited outside the the door hidden into the shops of Main Street, observing the trickling remnants of people finishing up their late dinners or night caps.  The stairs to the apartment were narrow and dimly lit with a bits of dust settling into the wood of the building.  I don’t remember how I felt before I walked into the door right before I met you.  Did I feel indifferent?  Was I nervous knowing that I was going to meet someone new?  I know I had been feeling that I couldn’t believe in love anymore; it was pointless because even if it was so good - it would eventually come to an end.  I had felt so good and then everything I thought I had crumbled into a million irreparable pieces that I had tried and tried to haphazardly put back together but they never fit quite the same again - and always ended up falling and shattering on the floor every time.  You didn’t know that though.  You didn’t know anything about me.  I was just the girl that walked into your friend’s apartment in the short denim shorts and a black shirt.

……….

“I don’t mind being woken up at two in the morning if it meant you were able to fall in love again.”  I remember my roommate telling me this the day after were first met.  We apparently kept her up while we were talking and laughing in the living room after were came home from the bar.  I can’t fully recollect that night in details; we were both incredibly drunk.  I remember showing you my herb garden.  I know that at first I didn’t want to like you.  I asked you what you did and you told me that you were a cop.  I thought that meant you were just like him.  I thought that it meant that you couldn’t be fun or sexy and our lines of thinking would never intersect.  I don’t know what flip switched in my brain or my heart to give you a chance, to open myself up to a possibility of you just a little bit.  It was like a dam that was built up and you pulled out just the right part of it for the whole thing to break apart and be swept into the river.  

Perhaps it was the true definition of a cosmic joke, the universe executing its most well-played trick on me.  He was a cop who was a little too serious, a little too insecure, and a little too boring for me.  Ironically, the first fight between him and me happened because I had asked about an open relationship.  You did things that he would never do, even though you are a cop, which was always his excuse for the way he chose to be.  You got drunk in a strange city, you made out with me in a bar with all of our friends watching, and you have a girlfriend back at home.  The last part of that is so casual, isn’t it?  So strange for everyone else but so normal for you and what I’m seeing as normal as well.  Still, you talk about her to me, and I don’t know if you can tell sometimes that I don’t know what to say; it’s like breaking down the metaphorical fourth wall but in real life.  Maybe I don’t like being reminded that even if I’m in love with you, it’s a kind of love that I’m unfamiliar with; it’s a kind of love knowing that there’s a huge possibility that it will never be reciprocated but choosing to let yourself feel it anyway.  It’s seeing all the tarot cards laid out in front of you and knowing what they mean, but you shuffle them again just for that one spread that tells you that even if that chance is small, it’s still there.  

The whole thing doesn’t sound very romantic.  It most likely isn’t.  Our first kiss was at a bar that I used to (still) go to for dollar drinks and throw up in their tiny, humid bathrooms.  I don’t remember this detail exactly, but I had drank a lot of rum and Coke that night, so that’s what I must have tasted like to you when you kissed me.  I do remember how you pulled me in with my chin cradled between your thumb and index finger, so gentle but  commanding in the same way.  You held my face and kissed me in a way that I don’t remember being kissed before.  And then I couldn’t stop.

……….

Recently, you came here to see your friend and asked if I was free.  You picked me up from my apartment and kissed me in that way that drives me crazy and makes me feel something other than sadness or indifference.  When we were driving in the car to meet up at our friends’ new house, you put your hand on my leg; a subtle gesture that I’m not sure if you noticed or put much thought in to but it made me feel as if I had caught a gasp in my throat.  I think most people would call that “butterflies”.  As we were walking around Main Street, trying to intertwine ourselves amongst the hundreds of people there, I’m sure anyone that would have given us a thoughtless glance would have took us as just another couple there.  There were times where the crowd grew thick with people moving at all different paces and you would put your hand on the small of my back - again, a gesture that made my throat feel like it was closing in on me.  Later, we went back to our friend’s house and we were intermingling within the group at the dining table.  You didn’t have to worry about me and I didn’t have to worry about you; we could carry on separate conversations with different people without being concerned that the other felt left out.  You bought me mac and cheese at one in the morning and I was a little drunk.  I saw you at one point starting to fall asleep on the couch and I, not wanting you to fall asleep before I could enjoy you mind and body, climbed into your lap, looking down over you to see your eyes flutter open and your mouth spread into a contented smile.  I don’t know why, but kissing you that night felt especially good, like my mouth and lips just melded into yours perfectly.  You were whispering dirty nothings into my ear as I kissed your neck, both of us seemingly ignoring the fact that two of our friends were standing in front of us talking about how her fiance had messed up mounting their television.  When we came back to reality, realizing that we weren’t the only ones in the room, we laughed and kept on kissing, trying to see if they’d turn around to acknowledge us.  I would burst into laughter the longer we could go without them noticing us, my arms flung loosely around your neck and my head buried into your shoulder.    

The sex that night was different for us than it had been before; somehow more easy and natural.  It felt like the kind of sex you have with your partner when you come home from a late night with friends; your bodies a little too tired to do anything other than sleep but you both still wanted it so badly even though you had gotten used to each other in the way that couples do.  We didn’t use any type of protection, which made it feel more intimate maybe, since it was something you had absolutely insisted on in the past.  The night had been warm and humid; absolutely miserable.  We washed away all the sweat from the crowd and rolling around in the sheets in the shower.  We laughed and kissed and we talked for a long time just standing in the warm water before we got out.  After we had dried off, we snuck into my dark kitchen where I stole a pint of strawberry ice cream from the freezer and I fed it to you, and then me alternating, in spoonfuls at a time.  I really loved that moment with you and wanted that moment of me feeding you ice cream or pot pie or mac and cheese or whatever and sneaking words and kisses in between all of those things to last for every night of forever.     

……….

Sometimes I think, “you have to know.  You have to know that I’m about to smack my head off the pavement, falling for you.”  It has to be so apparent to you but then I remember that I’ve built these borders around me to keep people like you out of my mind; or maybe I have just perfected my poker face in all of this.  I don’t even know if you have the capacity to feel the same way or how your brain works to compartmentalize the different aspects of your lifestyle or even how I process it myself sometimes.  Regardless and despite how far all of this falls outside of the pre-made stencil of what love is supposed to look like, I choose to love you.  I choose to let myself feel it; let myself just have it, even if it is just for me.  I choose to let that feeling wash over me and ride it until it collapses into nothing and goes back to the sea from which it came.  I hope that that same sea will take this message back to you in the little glass bottle that I’ve sealed it up in.  I still have to ask, how could you not know?  This message is sitting right next to you in the bed you’re sleeping in.      

[thecaptainlautner-blog]

MINE

One of my all time favorite quotes comes from the film Scarface. While speaking to the woman he fell for at first sight, he says, “I liked you the first time I laid eyes on you. I said to myself, ‘She’s a tiger. She belongs to me.’” That goofball up there is a tiger and when I got to know her, when I saw her for who she was, I said to myself... She’s gotta belong to me. Where else is she going to go? I’m right here. 

In our world, a simple hug or kiss ends you on the front cover of someone’s magazine. You become a character created by the media; our puppet strings made of lies to make us easier to sell to the public. When you’re a public figure and you decide to stay one, there’s an emotional contract you’ve entered into between yourself and society. Your relationships, whether you like it or not, have become a plaything for people to talk and write about and whether or not what’s said is true, you’re still forced to participate by being a member of the audience. The connection that exists between celebrities and the general public is quite honestly an abusive one. It’s like being told you’re worthless by someone over and over. You begin by knowing and understanding the truth but the more you hear it and the more you’re subjected to the lies, the more it becomes easier to do one of two things. You either start to believe them or even if you don’t, the seeds of resentment begin to grow somewhere deep down inside. Or maybe it’s just me and I can’t handle headlines calling Paris and Cara Delavigne ‘Caris’ even though the kiss was a platonic one between close friends. Refer back to the title of this story. 

Kidding. 

Anyways, the stories about Paris and Cara probably wouldn’t have unnerved me the way it did if it hadn’t been for an online post someone made, turning it from something that wasn’t at all personal to something that was. All of us who belong to this community of entertainers and athletes understand that the media is going to do what the media is going to do; much like a three year old with oppositional defiance disorder. It’s even part of what bonds us as humans who understand each other’s plights. We all know we’re going to be lied about. When one of our own sells us out or participates in the dishonest publicity, it always feels like a slap in the face. Especially when it comes to this; to the first real, honest, beautiful thing I’ve shared with someone in a long time. 

As soon as Paris realized that I was upset about the whole thing, her mood instantly changed. She was none too happy about what had been said by a peer, she felt a little sold out, she was irritated that it caused a conversation between us, she was ready to go fix it... and then I opened my mouth. The ordeal caused her a migraine (she’s prone to them) so I at least had the decency to make sure she was alright and taken care of before I decided I was going to be immature about it. Not because I was annoyed with her in any way shape or form but in that moment, I felt I would get extreme satisfaction from saying something snotty and childish. I was feeling the jealousy bubbling in my stomach and rising into my throat like vomit. Word vomit. I knew there was nothing going on between her and Cara, but just the thought that anyone anywhere might think there was caused the following interaction. I suggested to Paris that maybe she should stick her hands and feet in hot water with her head between her legs (a trick I’d picked up from a friend who suffers from migraines). She agreed to try it and jokingly commented that people would probably wonder what she was doing. It was in that instant that my mouth started moving on its own. I replied with, “Well I’m sorry I can’t fix it. Maybe Cara can.” She looked at me, I looked at her. I could see in her face that she was doubtful she’d heard me correctly. I could see her attempting to grasp the fact that I was choosing to behave that childishly. I immediately felt bad but for any of my female readers, you have to understand something. I’m a man which means my pride would not allow me to immediately apologize. I was definitely sorry that I had said it at all, but instead of saying so, I chose to be stubborn about it. At least for a little while. She started crying. Her mouth turned downward, she scrunched up her face, sat there, and started to cry. I knew that she knew that I felt like shit and I knew that she knew that I couldn’t let her have it so easily, even though I wanted to which is probably why she told me to get out and give her some space. 

Walking around outside, giving her the time that she asked for, the only thing on my mind is how I could fix it. I knew I was wrong for being a smart ass. I knew I could have chosen better. I was mentally kicking myself. That’s when it came to me. The other night, we ended up on the topic of Twilight and how she’d always been ‘Team Jacob.’ I made a joke about how I had no problem whatsoever roleplaying as Jacob in bed if she was into it. I told her I would put the tattoo on my arm, put on some levis, and come straight through the bedroom door. As I was standing in the back yard beneath the bedroom window, I decided what better time to be smooth. What better time to do something sexy to take her mind off the immaturity that had come out of my mouth? I needed to redeem myself as well as appease the male dominance I wanted to exhibit as a reminder to us both of who she was with. Smirking, I picked up a few stray pieces of gravel and began tossing them at the window. In my mind, I was a regular Lloyd Dobler from the film Say Anything. She opened the window, wiping her eyes and sniffling. I shrugged my arms, smiling, and admitted to being ‘a jealous motherfucker’. She smiled and said she was a jealous motherfucker, too. I glanced at the side of the house underneath the window, to the tall black oak tree with the intention to smoothly scale them both ending in a clean finish on my feet back inside the bedroom. She warned me to be careful, and bless her heart, she had all the faith in the world that I would actually be able to pull it off. In my mind, and I’m still not sure how this happened, I smoke a lot of weed, I forgot that I have never once in my life jumped back and forth between house and tree in order to get inside of someone’s bedroom. I forgot, for that moment, that I was not actually Jacob Black. I sprinted for the back porch stairs, made a landing jump on top of them, twisted towards the tree- now... What I thought I was going to do was jump from the steps, grab onto a branch, and push off the tree. That’s not what happened. I ended up grabbing onto the branch but not close enough to the trunk, so instead of being able to push myself off of the trunk and keep the momentum going, I dangled. I was taken by surprise, but managed to hang onto the branch, scraping my chin, and swinging my legs towards the trunk, trying to get a good grasp on it with my feet. I’m not the type to give up easily, especially when all I’d been doing that morning was making an ass out of myself. The only way forward was up. I assured her that I had this under control, ignoring her sounds of concern. I hoisted myself up onto the branch, balancing myself, preparing to make what I thought was going to be a clean jump from the branch and through the open window. I made a bounding leap, extending my left leg out in a karate kick, the other folded Indian style behind it. I at least managed to get one leg through. The rest of me didn’t make it, leaving me no choice but to dangle from the window, the only support I had coming from the leg that had made it inside, clinging hard to the windowsill, the wood digging into the back of my thigh. I grasped at the window with my hands, having not had a very solid landing to begin with, slipping. Paris swore loudly and grabbed onto my leg and then my arm, trying desperately to discover which body part would be easiest to hold onto. Half laughing, but legitimately half scared, I yelled at her to call 911, not at all serious. I looked down at the ground underneath me, never more positive that this was not the best situation to be in, feeling myself slip even more, the only part of my leg left inside the house my foot. I tried to get a better grip on the windowsill with my fingertips only to find Paris holding onto my arm with one hand and using the other to dial 911. This made me laugh even harder, which made it even harder to hold on. I choked out, “I was KIDDING about 911!” She threw the phone onto the bed, the operator still trying to figure out what was wrong, I’m sure. We decided she was going to pull backwards on my arm hopefully yanking me up onto the windowsill, which turned out to be a foolproof plan, only I didn’t take into account that my head would be level with the top of the window. She grasped, she yanked, and up I came.... my head meeting the top of the window with more force than was even remotely comfortable. I heard a slight crack, felt a sharp pain, and then warm blood flowing from my nose, some swearing on Paris’ part. She helped me inside and got some tissue for my nose, smiling to herself because I didn’t have to say I was sorry. She knew. 

[juiceinpanties]

Just Business

Olivia Gable is the CEO of a major corporation, and she doesn’t have time for romance. Her tastes are…unusual…and discretion is paramount. When her best friend (and sometimes lover) Tara Knowles suggests she use an escort service, Olivia is hesitant at first.

She changes her mind.

Story rating: NC17 Chapter rating: PG-13 Pairing: Dom!Juice/sub!Olivia escort!au Go to Part: 1 | 2 | 3

Part 2/?

The day after she returned from Milan, Olivia called him and left a message to ask if he were free for drinks on Thursday. They had a brief conversation when he returned her call, and she’d never felt more awkward in her life. He was smooth and steady; charming, even; and they quickly hammered out the details: six thirty Thursday evening, at a little spot in the East Village he liked.

Her meeting ran late, and she hurried through the door at almost six forty-five. The place was crowded, but not packed, and after a moment scanning the crowd she made her way toward the back of the bar. He rose as she approached, his mouth curved in a welcoming smile. He was dressed simply, in black trousers and a white shirt. The sleeves were rolled to the elbow to reveal nicely muscled forearms. He was better looking in person than in his picture, and that was saying something. She hadn’t had time to change, of course, but the charcoal gray pencil skirt and filmy white blouse she wore wasn’t out of place in the professional crowd.

“Ms. Gable,” he said, his eyes lingering here and there as he scanned her up and down.

“Mr. Ortiz.” She paused a moment, her lips parted, until at last she smiled. He held out her chair and she sat. “I’m so sorry I’m late,” she said. “My meeting, then traffic—” She waved a hand and he grinned.

“Don’t worry about it. I imagine your schedule must be hectic.”

“To say the least,” she said. A server approached, and Olivia ordered a bourbon, neat, with a twist.

“Are you hungry?” he said before the server could escape. “They have small plates.” He handed her a menu and she took a quick glance.

“Prosciutto with melon,” she said. “Unless you’re a vegetarian?”

He shook his head. “Sounds great.” He smiled at the server. “And another beer for me, please.”

They made small talk while they waited for their drinks, and once they arrived he took a longer moment to study her. She was petite, smaller than she’d looked in her video, and striking with that bright hair. She wore it up in a neat bun, and he wondered what it would look like spilling across her pale shoulders. He smiled warmly at something she said; he was momentarily transfixed by her crimson-painted lips. The dimple in her chin. The brilliant spark of her green eyes, even in the pub’s low light.

“You’re very beautiful, Ms. Gable,” he said during a lull.

She lifted a brow and her gaze was cool. “You don’t have to flatter me, Mr. Ortiz. I’m not paying you for that.”

He laughed and sipped his beer. “I think I should correct a common misconception before we continue.”

“Oh?” she said and bit into a piece of melon. “Please do.”

His gaze snagged on the soft pink fruit against her red mouth, and he had to clear his throat before he could speak again. “I’m here because I want to be.”

“Well of course. I can’t imagine you’d keep your job long if you hated it.”

He waved that away. “No, you don’t understand. I mean I want to be here with you. Part of the reason the screening process is so extensive is because we choose our clients. Jax and I—among others, rest assured—both chose you, so we were your two options.” His mouth quirked. “I’m glad I won.”

“Hmmm,” she said, thoughtfully. She tapped the swizzle stick from her drink against her lower lip. “Why me?”

“I don’t know.” He ducked his head. “I guess you intrigue me. You’re…a contradiction.”

“Am I?” she said, her voice warm with amusement.

He met her eyes and smiled. “You’re a very powerful woman.”

“I am,” she said without a trace of self-consciousness. “Is that what intrigues you? Bringing a powerful woman to her knees?”

“No,” he said. “Not in the way you mean it.” He rested his arms on the table and leaned closer. “I imagine for a woman like you, letting go isn’t easy. Trusting. Giving in.”

Her head tilted as she studied his serious face. There was something about him, something that made her think, as difficult as it could sometimes be for her to let go, she wouldn’t have that problem with him. “Have you known many women like me, Mr. Ortiz?”

“No,” he said again. Something in his look made her shiver, and brought the faintest trace of color to her cheeks. It was intense and probing, his eyes darker than ever, and she felt the heat of them on her skin like a rough caress. “I believe, Ms. Gable, that there are no other women like you.”

Her full lips curved. “Perhaps you should call me Olivia.”

“Olivia.” Now as his dark eyes caressed her she could almost feel it, like a physical touch. “Badass bitch in the boardroom; my sweet little slut in the bedroom. Right, kitten?”

She almost choked on a sip of her drink, and he smiled at the color creeping over her cheeks. “I suppose that’s right,” she said, softly. Her eyes met his, then dropped to the tablecloth. “Sir,” she whispered.

It was another week before she could schedule her first appointment with Juan Carlos. She set everything up through the website—a feature she could appreciate—and booked them a suite at the Ritz. There was no way she could have him at her apartment (her doorman knew her too well), and she wanted something a little more…public.

Not that she was afraid. If Tara used the service and recommended it, then Olivia knew there wasn’t anything to worry about. Still, she hadn’t made it this far by being reckless.

She spent the day fussing with the outfit she’d picked out. He’d contacted her by email earlier in the week and instructed her on what to wear: a sleek black dress, sexy but not flashy; tall black heels; and black lace lingerie that included a garter. He had also indicated she should wear her hair up, like at their first meeting.

They weren’t meeting until six, but she was dressed by five-thirty, and she couldn’t stop pacing. She fingered the string of pearls she wore at her neck—another of his instructions—and imagined his strong hand around her throat: big palm, long fingers, warm skin.

She shivered and clenched her thighs together. She’d been wet all afternoon, but she knew better than to do anything about it. His instructions had been clear.

Finally it was ten till. She grabbed her clutch and took the elevator down to the lobby. He was waiting for her in one of the plush chairs, and he rose to his feet when he saw her approaching. An almost predatory grin curved his lips, and Olivia felt her knees go weak.

“Ms. Gable,” he said, taking her offered hand and planting a kiss across her knuckles. “You look…perfect.”

She laughed. “Thank you, Mr. Ortiz. Shall we get a drink before we go up?”

“Lady’s pleasure,” he said and rested his hand on the small of her back to guide her toward the chic bar. He looked ridiculously handsome in his crisp black suit; the tailoring made him seem taller, his shoulders broader. More than one head turned as they entered the dimly-lit room and chose a table.

They ordered drinks and chatted, but later Olivia couldn’t have told anyone what they actually talked about. She could only think about what the night had in store. It had been a long time, and he was sexier than she would have thought possible. She needed this.

As if sensing her mood, he took a last sip from his glass and set it on the table. “Ready?” he murmured.

She could only nod. He smiled and waited while she signed the check, and together they crossed the lobby to the elevators.

Once upstairs, he unbuttoned his jacket and sat on the couch, spreading out like he belonged there. “Make me a drink, kitten,” he said, his voice at once commanding and casual.

Instantly she snapped into sub mode. The name he’d used before was like a switch in her head. She bit her lip to keep from whimpering (Already?? Get it together!! she told herself) and turned toward the wet bar.

“What would you like, Sir?” she said, her voice quiet.

“Scotch on the rocks. Oh, and kitty cat?” She glanced at him. “Take your hair down.”

She made the drink, brought it to him, and pulled the pins from her hair. A few strokes through with her fingers and it fell around her shoulders in bright waves.

“Beautiful,” he said, sipping. He leaned back and propped his feet on the table. “Pull your skirt up; I want to make sure you followed all of my directions.”

Her hands trembled as she tugged the skirt to her hips. He made a gesture that she should turn, and as she did he let out a soft whistle. “You have excellent taste, little cat.”

“Thank you, Sir. I wanted to look pretty for you.”

“You do.” He smiled and gestured to the floor beside him. “Kneel here for me while I enjoy my drink.”

Olivia tried to ignore the heat pooling in her belly as she knelt next to him. He petted her bowed head with a gentle hand and slowly sipped his drink while watching the city through the picture window. They didn’t speak. His fingers tightened in her hair and he tugged just a little.

“We’re clear on the safe words, sweetheart?” he said. “Repeat them for me, just to make sure.”

“Green means go,” she recited. “Yellow means slow down. Red means stop and move to something else. My safe word is juniper, and it means end the scene and go straight to aftercare.”

“That’s right. Good girl.” He gave her head another pat. “Stand up. Take off your dress.”

She rose and turned so that he could unzip her, and when she spun again the dress puddled to her feet. She kicked it away. He studied her carefully, his gaze hot as he examined her stocking-clad legs; the tiny scrap of lace between her thighs; the matching garter; and finally the barely-there lace bra.

“Your skin is exquisite. I can’t wait to leave my marks all over it,” he murmured, his voice huskier than before.

“I can’t either, Sir,” she breathed.

He smiled. “Go into the bedroom. Kneel on the bed and wait for me. I’ll be along eventually.”

“Yes, Sir!” she said, eagerly.

“Oh, and kitten?” he called after her. “I think you can get there on your knees. Don’t you?”

1 | 2 | 3 | 4

[oldladydatin]

My Besties Brother

When my ex husband and I’s relationship was falling apart, I kept that shit to myself. This is who I am in a relationship, loyal to fault. I’ll defend your honor in public even when I know you’re wrong. People didn’t know. Until the last few years everyone thought we were the perfect couple, people would comment how adorable we were constantly. The last few years I told people, things got so bad I finally felt like I needed a support system and the girls I went to school with saw me break into tears randomly and eventually I told them why. I told a few guys when we decided it was over. But generally people back home, people who were close to us didn’t know until the end. When I put that on facebook I didn’t make a big deal about it. I talked about moving and just didn’t mention him. Our family knew and they were upset. The weirdest part, his family was upset with him for losing me, my family was upset with me for leaving him. When I changed my status on facebook things got weird. Men I’d grown up with, ex boyfriends, men who added me but I wasn’t sure how I knew them, men I worked with, started messaging me. I’ve had a few men say they were in love with me, others say that had crushes on me but were afraid to tell me. Men who just messaged me to tell me my ex husband was stupid for letting me get away because they could only dream of having a good woman like me in their lives, and some of those comments were by his friends. Recently though was the absolute weirdest. My best friends brother has told me he has had a thing for me forever? I did NOT see this coming at all! 

My best friend is a lot older than me. I met her when we were both working at Walmart and I was just engaged. At some point she invited me to a party and it was just like the parties I grew up going to and her family was super laid back and we just clicked. She’s somewhere between my parents and I’s age. When I met her brother he was married and I was married, and when I was married I was committed, I didn’t see other men, like honestly barely even checked out other men, I was all in and that’s how I am when I’m in a committed relationship. I loved his wife, she was hilarious and we all hung out all the time. His wife decided to have weight loss surgery because they were having trouble getting pregnant due to her weight. I remember feeling guilty around her because I also had trouble getting pregnant. I went on this rather extreme PCOS diet, I chose that rather than going to the doctor for fertility treatments or any of that crap. It was expensive but on my 24th birthday I was pregnant and I was so happy because I knew I wanted to be a young mom. About the time I found out I was pregnant, they also found out they were pregnant but it only went on a few months and then she miscarried. So I felt guilt. Eventually though she had weight loss surgery and they had 2 little girls and shortly after his wife had a complete personality change. I always wondered if that was due to post partum depression or the weight loss surgery but she developed a pretty serious drug and sex addiction and left him and her two girls. I couldn’t ever wrap my head around this. He was such a nice guy honestly, like when she was extremely large I’d watched him put her shoes on for her. He worked, he cared for the girls, he catered to her and she still left. Towards the end he claimed to be injured on his job and fought for disability and eventually won. I never got that because he still played softball, my daughter, my bestie and I went to his games every week. He fixed cars in his driveway, plowed snow, hunted, fished, everything with his injuries. I didn’t ever say anything and I didn’t get involved. I feel like I’m in charge of my karma and he’s in charge of his and that’s how I approach these things. He’s gone through 2 more wife's. Maybe developed his own drug habit, had his own personality change. My bestie and I kind of make fun of him behind his back because now he has 2 more kids and more ex wife's. He always chooses horrible women. 

One day about a month ago he messages me and asks when I’m coming home. I think this is odd too because him and I don’t talk? Like he’s not my friend his sister is. I tell him I don’t know it’s hard to get time off. I start asking him if everything is okay because he never messages me and eventually this leads into a I’ve always been interested in you, I wish you would move home, you guys can live with me. I think he’s lost his mind, maybe he’s lonely. He starts telling me his new girlfriend is cheating on him with her ex husband and we talk about that. I think okay I’m right he’s just lonely. It’s something I’ve learned to look for the past 2 years, and sadly my mistakes have helped me spot it. Some men message me because they’re lonely or feel alone in general, they don’t feel complete and they want a woman to fix that, they are unhappy and want someone to fix that, they’re a mess in general and just want someone who is going to fix that. I’ve learned to spot this and I’m glad because I don’t want to complete someone and I don’t want someone to complete me, I was to find someone who is already complete on their own, I want to find someone who will only add to my life, not take from it. I also don’t want to feel dependent on a man to be a whole person, I am a whole person. So when he says him and his girl are having issues I completely disregard his statements about wanting to be with me and just assume he’s lonely and maybe he needs someone to talk to and we talk. Well this happens again the next day and he wants to talk about the possibility of me moving home. It happens the next day and the day after that, I hear from him in the morning when he’s getting ready for his day and at night when he’s heading to bed. I start to wonder if maybe he’s not lying? If maybe out of nowhere he decided to tell me he’s had feelings for me? I considered telling my best friend but then I think she’d be excited by that and she’d encourage it because she also wants me to move home and I don’t want to get her hopes up because I don’t think that’s my home anymore and I don’t see myself with this guy. 

Then friday comes and nothing, saturday nothing, sunday nothing, and then I hear from him monday morning. He tells me he went on a youth hunt with his daughter and yes he did. Here’s the unfortunate truth about my life. I’ve never had a man that really loved me, I never had a man who had my back, I just haven’t had that. Even my ex husband who didn’t lie or cheat on me gave me conditional love and if I didn’t meet his conditions I was on my own. Eric was in it for himself much like the men I was with before my marriage and so my experiences don’t stem from healthy relationships. Then men in my life have taught me to look for lies, inconsistencies, and games. Eric used to quit texting me on friday, saturday and sunday. At first I made excuses for him, like well he’s a single Dad and he’s out with his kids and they’re more important, until he showed me he was a bad guy. Soon I realized no he was out with someone else, whenever he went long stretches without text me it was because he was with someone else and he pretended to not understand why it upset me so much but it was because he made me feel cripplingly insecure because I knew he didn’t love me, he never had my back, and he had no idea what loyalty was and I don’t think he cared the only thing he cared about in life was himself. I look for that now, I have men who message me on dating apps and want to talk and talk until friday, saturday and sunday come along, and that’s the point where I back away. I don’t need someone who is only interested in me monday thru thursday. So this whole thing immediately made me back off and I wasn’t as quick to reply and I wasn’t as emotionally open. I figured his girlfriend and him made up and she’s free on the weekends and not free come monday and he’s bored and looking for attention and I’m good, I’ve been that girl enough times to know it doesn’t make me happy. 

So the messages drop off but he starts wanting to have more sexual conversation which is just weird because it’s my best friends little brother. Soon he wants me to send him sexy pictures. I’m at the point emotionally where I am beyond tired of men acting like I exist for their entertainment. I refused to send him pictures, I hadn’t deleted my bdsm page yet and I directed him there and told him there were sexy pics on that page. He makes 100 excuses as to why he can’t log on that page and see them and is like just send me some. I refused, if you’re too lazy to get on a website and look then you must not be that interested. This whole scenario is quickly annoying to me because he’s just like every other pos guy who messages me and being as I’ve known him for a long time and this idea of him as a good guy, it makes me disappointed in him.

 I message him eventually to tell him that I was planning on coming home for Christmas and he doesn’t act happy or excited or anything? So I was like you don’t seem excited about that and he doesn’t respond. At this point I’m over this situation anyways so I just quit texting and he quits texting, I think he could tell I was annoyed. Today he messaged me “so are you gonna fuck me when you come home.” I was instantly pissed, I said no. He said why not, I said I’m not some whore you can order up, you have a girlfriend, and you weren’t even excited I was coming home.” He claims he was really excited I was coming home, and then like slows his role. Let’s just say there’s a list of people I would love to see when I go home and one of them is a man, and it’s not this man. I have no more time for men like this in my life, I’d rather be alone. Just yesterday I blocked 2 men for unsolicited dick pics and surprised the hell out of a friend when he asked when the last time I masturbated was and I said at least a month. I’m just not in the mood. Eric took so much from me, and every guy after has taken just a little bit more and I feel broken and I feel like this isn’t what I need in my life a this time. I’m taking a year off from dating, which means my blog is about to become boring. Of course I’m now working two full time jobs and studying for a national nursing certification, who has time for dumb boys. I don’t.

[lil-mad364-blog]

Day 16

September 22, 2018

Yep, so I’m writing this around noon on the 23rd because I was 100% too “drunk” to write anything productive last night lol. But I wasn’t drunk because of the party....

But before I get to that, I want to talk about the earlier events of the day. So I carpooled with baker boy to our meeting. He’s such a chill guy. I don’t feel pressured or awkward or anything with him, which is really nice. Not much went down there. 

The meeting was chill too. Since Jordan told me his parents would be coming, and I saw the one girl’s parents were there (the girl who Jordan said he still had feelings for at the start of all of this), I was kinda looking out for his parents too to see if they would be there. I don’t think they ended up coming. Why was I looking out for them? Good question. I think maybe it was because I wanted to prepare myself for any potential “Hey, Lilly! How are you? Give me a hug, we haven’t seen you in a while!” kind of approaches. Maybe I also just wanted to see if I was being watched. 

Later on in the day at our organization’s next event (Saturdays are busy days for us), I honestly didn’t think about Jordan’s parents being there at all. It wasn’t until I got a text from Jordan’s mom saying “We see you!!! ;D” that I even thought about them being there. I wonder how much Jordan has let his parents in on what’s been going on. I wonder if they know that we haven’t been talking... But perhaps they do know, since I never did get an invite to dinner or anything. 

After that, we went to the football game!

Okay, I guess since it’s approaching the end of these 21 days, I’ll just come out and say it. The organization that we’re all in is a college marching band. Now that that makes more sense as to why we’re always meeting and why Saturdays are hectic and why we’re all at a football game together, it’ll be a little easier to explain some things. 

At the football game, we get to pick where we want to sit within reason. Jordan chose to sit next to her. In the past, I noticed that him and his three roommates (her unfortunately being one of them) sit together, but he never sits next to her. Today he did, and I don’t know why. It could be nothing, but it could be something. Ugh. 

Later on, Jordan and I had some contact. The band was grabbing some food, hotdogs to be exact, and they weren’t normal sized hotdogs. “Wow, these hotdogs are huge!” I said. Jordan was about 4 or 5 people in front of me, and he turned to me and gave me sort of this sly smile, and I gave him one back lmao. We were definitely being suggestive towards each other in that moment. But I’m honestly happy we had that kind of a moment for a variety of reasons. 1) He still thinks I’m sexy and is willing to admit that he still thinks of me that way, 2) It shows that we are not in a sad or awkward place with each other, and we are still able to be happy and have fun with each other, and 3) It shows that there are no hard feelings between us and that me not talking to him isn’t because I’m mad at him. Mind you, baker boy was standing like 2 people in front of me in line, so it’s very possible that he saw this small interaction take place..

That’s the only kind of “contact” I really had with Jordan, but it felt really nice. After the game, I was outside waiting for baker boy (I guess I’m just gonna keep calling him that now lmao), so I put my stuff down to go look for him. When I found him, he asked me where my stuff was, and I turned around and pointed in the direction of it, and Jordan was standing right where I was pointing. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him smile at me, but I kinda ignored it! I didn’t want him thinking that I was pointing at him or that I even saw him there. So the boy and I walked past him to get my stuff, and then we walked away together to his car. Ouch.

It was a pretty long walk, and we were talking about whatever and laughing and stuff, and I see Jordan’s car slowly drive by right in front of us. His parents could have been in the car too... but all I know is that he got confirmation that we were riding home together in that moment. Honestly, good. After him choosing to sit next to that girl, I really should show him how that feels with someone who I haven’t even slept with or even have feelings for. BUT it does give him something to rebel against... But it’s not like I was flaunting it on purpose like making a post on social media or something. It was just luck that he was standing in the direction of me pointing earlier and that he drove by us as we were walking to his car. So idk.

I’m pretty sure I had mentioned in a previous post that the baker boy drives a stick shift. There was a moment when we were driving that he was like “Alright, now it’s your turn to change the gears for me!” and I was like, “I am not going to be responsible for breaking your car!” and he was like, “Here, just put your hand here on the [insert name for stick shift thing here].” So I did, and when it was time to change gears, he’d quickly put his hand over mine and shifted the gears! That was literally happening the whole way home, and it was literally just a way for him to continuously touch my hand. Damn, this guy is smooth. It’s so subtle that I’m not even 100% sure if he’s actually intending on flirting or not lmao. But I like that, unlike the other guy, because it doesn’t make things feel awkward or pressures any kind of flirty response. 

We talked about him giving me a ride to the party before I got out of his car, and he said he’d let me know since his parents were in town and he was going to hang with them beforehand. But then when I texted him about it, he said I should probably uber since him and his friend were doing “illegal” things before the party and didn’t think I’d want to be around for it. Okay then...

So I just ended up not going to the party altogether lol. I wasn’t about to be there with him being some kind of fucked up when he’d be like the only real person I know there. But I was already dressed up for the party so I couldn’t just stay in... Then I remembered that my bff invited me out earlier but I turned her down because I told her I had the party. So I ended up going out with her and our friends instead lol. 

It was all you can drink, so I drank kind of a lot lol. We were trying to get that OTHER other guy to come (the one who it’d be cool if I got interested in me), but he already had other plans. Lameee. I danced a lot. I actually ran into a couple of old guy friends there too! Ended up drunk dancing with one of them hahaha. He was totally into me, and he’s cute too. But he’s a little too much of a party animal for my serious taste haha, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have a little fun! 

Oh! Something small I forgot to mention. Last night, the lover boy texted me like “We should go to a club tonight!” Like, what??? Was he expecting it to just be me and him?? That’s so hella freaking awkward. I can’t even dance with him now because he has too many feelings for me that are just not reciprocated. I told him that I was already heading to a party (because at the time that was the real plan lol), and he said “Have fun” in the least excited way possible. Usually he’d add like 5 exclamation points or something, but he didn’t! MAYBE HE’S FINALLY GETTING THE HINT!!!. It’s also almost 1:30pm the next day and I still haven’t heard from him so that’s pretty amazing. He definitely saw my snap story though of me being out, and there were a couple of guys I was taking pictures with too, so maybe he’s realizing that he is NOT THE ONLY PERSON IN MY LIFE. It’s about time.

Alrighty, my time is up!

You’ll hear from me later :)

See yaaaa!

Lil Mad out.

[kingstonjael]

Finally! The SINGLES are emancipated! No more hiding in the shadows! It’s February 15!🙌🏽 Couples won’t be popular again until Thanksgiving and Spring is on its way! Perfect time to say….SINGLES RULE! 🙌🏽 Now because I do believe in marriage…but am not sure if it’s the thing for me…there’s only SINGLE and MARRIED in my book! Dating is just dating! 🙄 I have felt that way since I started dating Julio when I was 15 years old. Here I am now at 35 and not much shit has changed. If I don’t have a ring AND a deep commitment…you are just my current chapter. Julio and the Ex Factor are my longest chapters….though Julio and I were in a real relationship during our 10 years on and off. When I was with Julio, I was in a huge self exploration phrase so it just seemed like I couldn’t stand still with one person or in one state! Lol. Even with being as assertive and proud of my singleness as I am…I have to admit that Thanksgiving through Valentine’s Day is fucking hard! It’s no easy task to stay secure in yourself while the world and Hallmark keeps selling love during that season! Plus it’s Winter and I’m already grumpy! Not easy at all but SINGLES we made it! To celebrate today, I’m going to count down the top 10 things I’ve grown to love about my singleness! 10. MARRIED FOLKS DO NOT HAVE IT EASY! For every person sad that they are single….there’s like three marriages falling apart! 😳 Now I don’t have that down to exact statistics but I’m giving my singles a graphic picture of why shit is hard if you choose wrong! Marriage takes so much work and many are not even half equipped for the journey! Long lasting relationships take more than all the “feels.” It’s more like you need to put your blood, sweat, and tears into that shit! And even if you do…it could still fall apart because it takes TWO! 🙌🏽 So rest assured that if you are still single…you still have the opportunity to choose well but more importantly….the opportunity to choose a partner AFTER you have fallen completely in love with yourself! 9. I WOULD HAVE BEEN DIVORCED! I have said this time and time again…relationships have never been my thing! There were 3 times in my life I could have been married to three different men…but I knew myself all too well! I would be fucking divorced all three times! I wasn’t in love and while I respected two of the men…they deserved a woman who wanted to be their wife! No need to settle for my confused ass! 😂 Two out of the three are married…and for a very long time. So happy for them! 🙌🏽 We all made the right choices for ourselves! No regrets! 8. I HAVE DEEP SEEDED COMMITMENT ISSUES! If you have been following the blog from the beginning…then you already know that there are certain things in my childhood that make me hesitant to choose any man! I know I whine a lot about the Ex Factor not committing to me but truth be told…I chose him for a reason! I can love…very confusingly…but I don’t have to give more of myself than I’m willing to. If he had committed to me (seriously)…before trust was broken…I don’t think our relationship would be much more different than it is now. I’m not trying to be his mama and I already got a Daddy! ✌🏾I imagine that we would check in with each other like we do now…and life would go on with its normal ups and downs. A serious commitment (a title with action to back it up) would have proved to me that he loved me and made it that there was no uncertainty between us. But he chose this route and since I seem to not be able to find a detour…I’m along for the ride…for how ever how long I can stand it! Lol. I rest well at night with the thought that if he never commits to me or I completely get turned off from the idea (dangerously close to that point)…it will be his regret..not mine! ✌🏾A man can find any woman…but a woman that loves him unconditionally and is willing to grow with him is hard!!! Or so my male friends tell me! Such is life! All I can do is work on me and enjoy life! And I damn sure plan to! 7. I AM NOT SURE THERE IS A “ONE!” I started writing to my BOAZ in September 2016 for many different reasons. Mainly to stay happy, open, and hopeful as I anchor my way in the dating world. For all I know…BOAZ is a man that will take me through certain phrases of my life. He may not be one great man but may be a combination of many. And I’m okay with that. 6. I CAN STILL FALL IN LOVE AGAIN! Falling in love with the Ex Factor was the BEST feeling ever!!! Just think…I’m going to get a chance to love even more deeply! 😍 I AM GOING TO LOVE AGAIN! 🙌🏽 While the marrieds have to keep finding ways to fall in love with the same person over and over again…us singles have a shot at new love! Take that shot and be glad you have been given it!🙌🏽 5. I LOVE HAVING THE FREEDOM TO TRAVEL! Being single means…I never have to check in with anyone when I book a trip. For example, I randomly had a week off from work in July. On the MONDAY, I booked a trip to fly to Chicago on the TUESDAY! I text the Ex Factor from the airport and FaceTime him once when I was out there. My money and my time…I do as I fucking please and that kind of freedom is priceless! 4. ALL OF MY TIME IS FOR ME! Similar to traveling when I want to…I plan each day based on myself! 🙌🏽 Hmmm…what’s going to make me happy today? Whatever it is…I get right to it! Don’t have to divide my time with a man. It’s just me and my career. And we definitely FLEX! 🙌🏽 3. I HAVE THE ABILITY TO BE UNAPOLOGETICALLY SEXY! 🙌🏽 Once you are a mother and/or wife, society wants us women to wear a brown paper bag over our heads and hide our bodies! No way! I totally disagree with this stigma for my wife and mommy friends! But society judges them so hard anyways! I, on the other hand, am SINGLE so society cannot tell me to go hide! I’m in this bitch!🙌🏽 And I define what I should wear. I exude confidence…even though I’m seen as “a woman of a certain age.” They want me to hide too because I’m 35 and not married with children! 😳 Well…guess the fuck what?! I’m here and I won’t hide! I won’t excuse myself or talk myself out of “a seat at my own damn table!” No way! I’m 35, SINGLE, and confident…so deal with it! 2. HEARTBREAK WILL NOT LAST FOREVER! As a SINGLE person, heartbreak is still inevitable! Either for the relationships that didn’t pan out or the loss from ones that we have yet to get over! But as I said in number 6, we still have the ability to fall in love again as long as we are open and are loving ourselves through all the hurt and pain! All is not lost forever! It’s not our wives/husbands who take us for granted…it’s our girlfriends/boyfriends/situationships! WE CAN AND WE WILL LOVE AGAIN! 1. SELF LOVE! We have been blessed with this time of self exploration! Sure we have been given more trial and error time than most folks around us but that’s not a bad thing. Every year I learn something new about myself that I did not know before. The newness of each stages of our lives can sometimes threaten the relationships we have…especially marriages…if there is not safe space to grow and learn that is filled with patience and understanding! In our singleness…it’s just ourselves that we have to be patient with! Just us! 🤑 So we can grow easily and be at peace with the new level we reached in our lives! We won’t have to apologize to anyone…that we have changed and that we love our change! WE ARE UNAPOLOGETICALLY SINGLE! 🙌🏽 ~KJM on Hump Day 😘