#todays overall vibes just feel like a big sigh of relief and i’m so happy

[tetzoro]

hiya sweet friendz and happy timezones !!! (ㅅ´ ˘ `) i’m feeling so much better than i have all weekend and i’m so very thankful :’) but now i’m preparing to fight off the sunday scaries with silliness !! i hope everyone has had a restful & relaxing weekend !! mwah mwah 🤍

[xreaderbooks]

Letting go

Pair: Luke Patterson x Ghost! reader, Platonic! Willie x reader, Platonic! Alex x reader

Warnings: Death and mentions of suicide, drug abuse, kinda angsty 

Word Count: 2k

For ages 18+

A/N: This is overall pretty depressing and it's not exactly a happy ending, I wrote this based off the song Out of love by Alessia Cara. Its not my best work but either way I hope you enjoy. 

Disclaimer: Gifs are not mine

Masterlist

You knew this day would come. You don't know how many times you've called yourself stupid and cursed yourself. He liked her possibly even loved her by now. You were a fool for thinking that just because you found each other in this new version of life, that he could love you the same as he did before. Just because you were together before you died doesn't mean that you could have a life together after death. No matter how much you were still deeply enamored with him. Him and his stupid bright smile, his laugh that was contagious, his chocolate hair that you loved to run your hands through in the middle of cuddling. The calming feeling it gave you both, would it still have that same affect if you tried it now? Let's not mention his eyes. Oh, his eyes. The big green eyes that made him look like a puppy, so pure and innocent, it also held pain that you both would share at times. You both coming from families who had expectations. Expectations that neither of you could hold up. His eyes gave you hope, and butterflies and love.

They still did, he still did. He still had his optimism; although you could tell it was forced. it was the same thing he always tried to do. He was always the one to brighten peoples day and be the strong optimistic one when the others (and even himself) weren't. Either way he was still that same character he always was. And you were still deeply, unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him. You think you always would be.

Despite the new changes of your relationship. Or change. That change being Julie Molina. You saw the way that Luke had looked at her, praised her and her voice. You couldn't hate her for it. It would've been easier to hate her if she was a bitch, you couldn't lie, however she wasn't. She was loyal, caring and determined. She was strong and beautiful and exactly the type of person Luke needed. You were friends with Julie and you cared for her. So, no, you couldn't hate her. It wasn't her fault you changed and was no longer what he wanted. She was not responsible for your insecurities or feelings that you still held for Luke or the feelings that he held for her.

You decided you would let him go. You would let him go because your time with him was over. You were no longer what he needed nor what he wanted and that was okay because you would let him go.

You died a couple of months after the guys did. It was a drug overdose. After the Luke, Alex and Reggie's passing, you got into some pretty bad habits. Such as partying, alcoholism and your cause of death; drugs. It was not great.

The week of your death was rough. You were cleaning your closet after weeks of not doing so, you were gonna make a change, you would do better. That was until you found multiple shirts of Lukes laying about your closet, they were hidden underneath all of your other clothes that were piled up in there. In one particular jacket you found a note in the pocket. 'Can't wait for you to hear the surprise I have for you after the show beautiful ;)' After reading the barely legible note , you broke. You had suspicions he was writing a song about you, he was hinting at it before... and now this confirmed it. You would've gone looking for his notebook if it wasn't for Bobby who when you told him, brushed you off and took you out to distract you. That was when you were introduced to some guy who Bobby told you; had 'the good stuff'. You shrugged it off and took whatever he gave you. Turns out you took too much in so little time and you were dead.

After accepting the fact that you were dead, you wandered around 'life' hoping you'd find your lover and best friends. That day didn't come and you found yourself befriending another ghost named Willie. He was kind enough to show you the perks of being, well, dead. He even tried to introduce you to Caleb and that whole world but you decided you were out before you were even in. You had felt enough bad vibes from Caleb to know not to get involved with him. If only you had those survival instincts when you were alive.

Then it was 25 years of being a ghost and Willie had came to hang out with you in your favorite spot that you now called your home, a beach house that some rich family used as their Summer home.

"Hey Y/N, made a new friend today." He said skating into the house. You walked out of one of the rooms while reading a book, not really paying attention to what he was saying. "Oh really? that's cool."

"Yeah his names Alex, said he was in a band." You froze and looked up at him as he skated and transported on top of the kitchen counter. 'No,' you thought. 'It couldn't be your Alex, could it?' There was no way, not after all these years, it doesn't make sense. There were also a million different guys named Alex in the world. 'But he said he was in a band.' Your mind raced through the different scenarios. If you were thinking logically it could be a coincidence and it'd be stupid to think there wouldn't be any other guys out there who was dead, in a band, and named Alex. When you put it like that...

"How'd he look like?" Willie looked confused when you asked but answered. "Blonde hair, blue eyes, kinda cute but I call dibs."

Your heart was pounding, if Alex was here that could mean that Luke might be with him. You managed to roll your eyes at his reclamation. "Yeah you can have him, but um, you think I can go with you next time you meet with him?"

He looked at you shocked, "Uh sure?" He came up to you holding a hand to your forehead as if checking your temperature. "Are you okay? Is the loneliness getting to you?" You pushed his hand away.

"I'm fine dummy."

He laughed. "I'm just saying you never wanna meet any of my friends."

"Yeah, cause you have so many." You said sarcastically and plopped down on the couch. Willie, as extra as he is, jumped over it to sit next to you.

"Not true I have-"

"Ghost club doesn't count, they're creepy and enslaved to Caleb." You opened your book and pretended to read while you thought of what you would do if it really was your Alex.

"Whatever, what made you all of a sudden decide to be social?"

You closed the book and crossed your legs. You decided to be honest with him. You already told him of how you died, how you had a boyfriend who also died along with your best friends. He tried to help you find them until you gave up. You didn't however go into detail about how they died or what they did. That just brought on too many memories. But now you decided it was time. So you told him everything.

~~~

You were anxious as you waited for Willie and Alex at a place where Willie likes to skate at. If it was your best friend Alex you wanted to talk to him in a private place not surrounded by people. Even though you were all ghosts and nobody could see you, it felt more special and less awkward with people potentially walking through you. But if it wasn't your Alex then you could just leave and let Willie enjoy his 'date' with the guy.

When they showed up you almost screamed. You were in shock, there he was, one of your best friends. Probably the one with the most brain cells. "Alex?" Although you already knew you called his name to catch his attention.

"Y/N?" He ran up to you and hugged you.

"Alex," You patted his back "can't- breath."

He let you go putting his hands on your shoulders and pushed you to arm length as he observed you, taking in your appearance. "Wait..." You saw his face fall from the wide smile to a solemn expression. "Oh Y/N/N."

"Yeah..." You rubbed your arms.

"How?" He asked. "You look just the same as you did back then."

You chuckled. "Well so do you."

"But wouldn't that mean that you-'

"Died around the same time you guys did? Yup."

"Again, how?" He pushed. "You didn't, y'know ki-"

"God, Alex no I didn't kill myself." You smacked his arms away and paced around. "It's a long story, one that I'd don't wanna tell three different times. Are Reggie and Luke with you?" You asked hopefully. And he shook his head. You sighed in relief. "Where are they?"

"C'mon I'll take you to them."

And he did.

When you showed up to Julies garage and saw Luke for the first time he stood still, staring in disbelief. Reggie was the first one to come up to you throwing his arms around you and jumping excitedly. Once you managed to get Reggie off you, you went up to Luke "Hey baby." Tears were forming in your eyes. He pulled you into your third hug today, then pulling back, kissing you quickly and pulling you in again.

~~~

The bliss of being reunited only lasted so long before the band got caught up in performing in their new band Julie and the phantoms. You were glad that they were happy and that they had something that motivated them. And that all this time they were together. They even made friends, with a lifer, something you couldn't wrap your head around but you were happy for them. For a time you were happy with them. You were back with you best friends and you made new ones. You and Luke had a bit of a complicated relationship, you acted like you had always acted, of course things were different but you still talked like a couple. You acted like couple. Kisses were another story, it wasn't casual anymore it was when it was needed. It wasn't like before where if you would go somewhere or show up, you would give Luke a quick kiss goodbye or hello. Now it was more in the moment when you guys cuddled and you would look at each other and remember the memories of the past; of when you were alive and planning a life together. Your relationship wasn't what it was before but you would take it. After years of being alone -- with the exception of willie-- you would take those moments that you didn't feel were given 100% fueled with romantic and passionate love but with something different.

That was until the whole situation with Caleb happened and Luke and Julie hugged. They touched, how that happened you didn't know. What you did know is they were connected and they had chemistry. It was a hug, you internally rolled your eyes at your childishness. Technically you would've been an adult by now. Why were you worrying about your boyfriend hugging his friend after a situation where you all thought you'd be separated forever.

Maybe it was because you knew it meant more. The way they were holding each other wasn't how he held you the first time you saw each other again. You tried to brush it off, blaming it on you being insecure, it meant nothing.

Weeks had passed and nothing had changed besides the obvious tension and chemistry that Julie and Luke had. That was when you made the choice to let him go. You had nothing to offer him. If you were to get into technicalities Luke couldn't offer Julie anything, he was dead and she was still living. However they would have some time together and they had the band!

You did what you thought was best and you left a note on Julies piano along with with the note you found in Luke's pocket before you died. You always carried it around but there was no point in holding on to something that wasn't gonna be yours anymore. You would be in your beach house, where if they wanted to find you they could. For now you would let him go.

[backpfeifenguy]

The Boy’s No Good: Chapter 1

Note: This story is a sequel to All In Your Head

TW: Emotional abuse Beast Boy was feeling… excited? Maybe? He wasn’t sure exactly what he was feeling right now, but he was feeling it, because today was definitely a special day; today was the day that Raven brought her boyfriend to the tower. Her boyfriend? You fool, YOU should be her mate! He was really happy for her; she’d had to deal with so much, it was nice to know that she had someone. She could be yours if you weren’t such a coward! His Beast… wasn’t quite so supportive. She hates you. And his anxiety issues were, as always, unhelpful. But honestly, he didn’t care; Raven was an amazing woman, and she deserved to be happy. If Raven’s mysterious boyfriend could manage that then he was alright in Beast Boy’s books.

Pathetic! You spent years trying to make her smile; years! And now someone else was having some better luck; just as long as she had a reason to smile. It’s not as though you’d ever be that reason. He really needed to meditate; ever since Raven taught him the basics he’d come to rely on it to keep himself centred. It wasn’t a daily thing like in Raven’s case, just when he really felt like he needed to; usually about three times a week. 

About an hour later, Beast Boy was feeling a lot better; his head was much clearer, and his Beast seemed to have gotten the message and shut the hell up. Funnily enough, Raven seemed to be the opposite of his relative calm; it was honestly a novel experience. She was pacing back and forth, scowling and muttering to herself; the picture of anxiety.

“He’ll be here any minute, so be on your best behaviour, okay?” Raven turned to face their leader. “Nightwing, no interrogating him.”

“I already said I wouldn’t!” Nightwing chuckled; he’d mellowed out more than a little. Beast Boy suspected Starfire was the cause.

“Cyborg, take it easy on the ‘protective big brother’ act this time.”

“I know, I know.” He grinned sheepishly. “Sorry again about the goth kid.”

“Starfire, I know that this is difficult, but please don’t hug him too tightly.”

“I will endeavour to avoid causing any harm or discomfort.” Starfire replied solemnly.

“And Beast Boy…” He braced himself; this was likely to be thorough. “You’re probably fine.”

“Wait, seriously?” Beast Boy asked, mildly stunned.

Raven shrugged. “You’re good at making friends. I trust you.” 

“I, uh… I won’t let you down.” Said Beast Boy, blushing faintly.

“I know you won’t,” replied Raven. The doorbell rang. “He’s here,” she noted, making a beeline for the door. After a moment, she walked back in, a man on her arm. “Guys, I’d like you to meet Leopold.”

He was, in Beast Boy’s inexpert estimation, handsome enough. Well, if you liked 6’2”, broad shoulders, lean muscles (they’re all for show) and a strong jawline; personally, Beast Boy considered the whole ‘classically handsome’ look to be kind of overrated. That said, he could see the appeal of those big, cobalt-blue eyes and that swept-back chestnut-brown hair, at least in theory. But he supposed that, if you were looking for the sort of conventionally attractive guy who had tanned skin and perfectly straight white (blunt) teeth, Leopold wasn’t too shabby. 

To his surprise, Leopold went right past the other Titans and walked right up to Beast Boy, hand extended. “It’s great to finally meet you; Raven’s told me so much about you.”

“That’s a loaded sentence,” Beast Boy quipped, shaking Leopold’s hand. It practically went without saying that Leopold had the sort of firm handshake that was typically associated with honesty and overall strength of character. And of course he had a relaxed, disarming smile; at this point, anything else would have been ridiculous.

“Relax,” Leopold chuckled. “It’s mostly been good things.” There was no denying it; Leopold had some serious charisma. Beast Boy had known the guy for less than two minutes and he already liked him. And yet… something about him felt a little off; Beast Boy had learned to trust his instincts, and they were telling him that something was wrong.

“So Leopold, how did you and Raven do the meeting?” Starfire asked politely.

“We met at the library,” He explained. “Our hands touched when we both reached for Fear and Trembling, we got into a conversation, and suddenly it was closing time.”

“We spent three hours talking philosophy,” Raven said, a tiny smile on her face. “After that, I figured I’d take a chance and ask him out.”

“That sounds about right,” Nightwing chuckled. “Flirting over Kierkegaard.”

“Raven’s nothing if not consistent.” Said Cyborg.

“I just don’t get why no-one beat me to it,” said Leopold. “With her brains and beauty, I couldn’t believe she was single.”

“I believe we have all expressed similar opinions.” Said Starfire.

“The dudes in this town are idiots.” Beast Boy said, firmly and confidently.

 “Yeah, but seriously; it’s just so weird!” Leopold exclaimed. “Normally when a girl like Raven’s single, you expect there to be something wrong with them.”

“Yeah, well I’m not exactly perfect,” said Raven. “I’ve got a few issues.”

“Well obviously, but I mean something wrong. Like, ‘everyone’s afraid to talk to you’ level stuff.” 

“So what do you do for a living?” Beast Boy asked brightly, eager to change the subject after seeing Raven’s discomfort.

“Well I’m working in marketing at the moment, but I’ve also been shopping some scripts around.” Successful and creative. 

“What are your scripts about?” Asked Cyborg.

“Well, my favourite’s about a brilliant, misunderstood young man struggling to make it as an artist.” Well, not THAT creative.

“Sounds great.” Beast Boy managed after a second. What must his other scripts be? A genius who’s a prick? A gay couple tragically dying for two hours of runtime? Hack. It occurred to Beast Boy that, for an entity originally composed of raw instinct, the Beast had gotten pretty good at sarcasm. 

“Very classic.” Nightwing noted, a barely audible tremor in his voice telling Beast Boy that he was struggling not to laugh.

“I’m already working on a few changes though;” He looked fondly at Raven. “The words have just come so much easier since we started dating. I think she might be my muse.”

“That is very sweet,” said Starfire warmly.

Leopold shrugged. “I’m just saying how I feel.”

They made conversation for another twenty minutes before Raven announced that she and Leopold were heading out. Moving quickly, Beast Boy was able to stop Leopold before he left the tower, the two of them alone in the lobby. “Hey Leo, can I talk to you for a minute?”

“Sure,” said Leopold. “What did you want to talk about?”

“Look, I know this might sound a little weird but… just be good to her, okay?” He sighed. “Raven’s had a tough life, especially when it comes to love, so don’t hurt her.”

“Understood,” said Leopold. “I’ll take care of her. But since you’re here, I have to ask… do you have a thing for Raven?”

“WHAT?!” Beast Boy’s eyes bugged out of his skull.

“It’s just that, you know, you just walked right up to me, did the whole ‘don’t hurt her’ bit; feels kind of like you’re into her. Seriously, I’m getting some serious ‘unrequited love’ vibes.” His features arranged themselves into a confident, self-important smirk. “I’m a scriptwriter, after all; we know about this kind of thing.” Asshole.

“Relax dude, you’ve got nothing to worry about from me.”

Leopold’s shoulders sagged with relief. “Okay then; sorry if I got weird for a minute there. I know it’s dumb, but sometimes I get a little territorial about stuff like this. It’s like an instinct or something.” His face split into a grin. “I guess you’d know all about that, huh?”

“About what?” 

“You know, instincts and stuff!” He clapped a hand on Beast Boy’s back, a little harder than necessary. “I figure you’re the expert when it comes to raw animal impulse.” 

“Yeah,” Beast Boy chuckled awkwardly. Is he mocking us? How DARE he?! Tear him to shreds! “Total expert.”

“So,” said Cyborg, his tone measured. “Leopold.” 

“He seems nice enough.” Nightwing observed.

“Indeed,” said Starfire.

“Sure,” agreed Beast Boy. “But… did he seem kind of weird to you?”

“Weird?” Cyborg’s eyebrow shot up; he’d long ago learned to trust Beast Boy’s instincts.

“I dunno, I just got kind of a weird feeling from him. And the Beast really didn’t like him.”

That was worrying; as Cyborg understood it, the Beast wasn’t especially interested in most people; it viewed the world in the basic categories of friends, threats, and Raven, who it was strangely obsessed with protecting… oh. Oh! “What’s the matter grass stain?” Cyborg leered. “Feelin’ a little territorial?”

“Come on, dude!” Beast Boy exclaimed. “I’m trying to have a serious conversation here!”

“A serious conversation about Raven.” Cyborg replied, grinning hugely.

“That’s no surprise,” Nightwing quipped. “All his serious conversations are about Raven.”

“I think it is quite sweet, if misguided.” Opined Starfire, smiling indulgently.

“It’s not like that!” Beast Boy squeaked, blushing faintly. “The Beast just wants her to be okay; I just want her to be okay!”

As tempting as it was to keep teasing his best friend, Cyborg knew it was time to ease up a little. “Okay, so you’re sayin’ your upstairs roomie doesn’t like Raven’s boyfriend, so you’re feeling a little bit of totally platonic concern.” The sarcasm in Cyborg’s voice made it clear just how ‘platonic’ he thought BB’s thought process was. “Well, your instincts are usually good, so I think I’ll run a quick background check on the guy; criminal record, news headlines, that kind of thing.”

“He had an East Coast accent,” Nightwing noted, slipping effortlessly into ‘detective mode’. “Almost a Gotham, but not quite. Considering the Germanic name, I’m guessing Bludhaven; I’ll ask around with my contacts, see if anyone dangerous matching his description skipped town in the last couple of years.”

“And I will do the talking with some of the other Titans ladies,” Starfire offered. “We shall keep an eye out for untoward behaviour. I assume you would prefer that Raven not be informed of your concern?” 

Beast Boy shrugged. “I don’t want to worry her if it turns out to be nothing.” 

Starfire smiled warmly. “I keep my lip fastened around friend Raven.”

“That went better than expected,” said Raven. “Nobody did anything weird or stupid, and they all seemed to like you.”

“I don’t know about that,” said Leopold. “I was getting kind of a weird vibe from Beast Boy; I don’t think he likes me much.”

“Seriously?” Raven could hardly believe what she was hearing. “Weird; Beast Boy usually gets along okay with pretty much everyone.

“Yeah, well he seemed kind of… off around me, like he was on edge or something. Said some real weird crap to me just before I left.”

“Weird?” 

Leopold shrugged. “I’m not sure, but I think he might have threatened me.”

“He threatened you?” Raven asked, incredulous. “That’s… crazy.”

“Like I said, real weird.” 

“Don’t worry about it,” said Raven. “I’ll talk to him about it.”

Leopold smiled. “Thanks for that Raven. You’re the best.”

Well, that marks the end of chapter one! I hope you enjoyed it and, just for laughs, here’s a little game you can play; it’s called “spot the red flags”. Just read through the chapter looking for things that Leopold says or does that feels like a red flag to you, list them in the comments, and if you spot the most red flags by the time I start the next chapter, you win! Winners will be acknowledged every chapter, so have fun!

[hopingforbabyblog]

Today is big, like really big. If you are new here let me catch you up quickly. I’ve struggled with infertility for about 4.5 years. I’ve had six miscarriages, all from natural conception. I’ve done two egg retrievals and only had one embryo. Our embryo has been cryopreserved for a while. After nearly two years of medical and other issues come up (see Our Timeline), I am finally able to do this transfer. It’s been such a long, exhausting road but I am finally, finally here. 

Entry written prior to posted date.

Catch up on my previous FET prep posts here.

    What was it like to do an embryo transfer during COVID-19?

My husband was unable to take time off work to be with me. Even if he was here, he wouldn’t be allowed in the procedure room due to my clinic’s COVID-19 policy, that only allows the patient in the waiting room and procedure room. Plus I’m not here to do any sightseeing while COVID-19 is going on, and the numbers are much higher in Seattle compared to back home in Anchorage. I’m only staying inside the hotel other than going to my procedure. Essentially I’m self-isolating while in Seattle.  My clinic requires all patients and staff to wear masks to that is reassuring.

I bought a plastic face shield from Amazon not too long ago and wore it on my flights. I felt a little safer wearing it, especially when I heard a lot of sneezing and some coughing coming from all parts of the plane. I wanted to take extra precautions if I become pregnant and to also protect my family members who are immunocompromised. My state requires a negative COVID test and/or 14-day quarantine once residents and visitors arrive in Alaska. I’m actually surprised that Seattle doesn’t have this in place, I’ve heard this is due to their recent decline in cases. But their overall numbers are a lot higher than back home. So when I go back home I will need to do a COVID test right there at the airport.

  Looking like a turbo nerd in my face shield, but with all the sneezing and coughing I hear around me on the plane a feel a little better with this.

  The Deathbed Test

Several years ago when I was conflicted on what to do about my infertility diagnosis, when my head and my heart were at odds, I decided to do the “deathbed” test. You’ve probably already heard of this, but if not, it essentially is a question you ask yourself. Imagine you are on your deathbed, thinking back on your choices in life. Ask yourself, “Will I regret not doing _______?” You can fill in the blank with whatever scenario you are currently debating. For me personally, I find that this is a great question to ask to get clarity. 

I asked myself years ago, “Will I regret not trying to get reproductive assistance to have a baby?” For me, it was a lightning bolt of realization, a strong and resounding, “Yes, I will regret not trying.” Even if I try and try and I reach the point where I decide to stop, at least I can look back on my life and know I did everything possible to make it happen. So here I am now, doing all I can. There have been times where I’ve experienced extreme exhaustion physically and mentally form all of this, to the point where I question whether I will be able to continue if this doesn’t work. The outcome and timeline may not be what I want, but as long as I am making my best effort, I will be content. 

Good Luck Charm

If you’ve been around the infertility block, you’ll know that embryo transfers are a time for hopeful traditions. It’s all in an effort to embrace the possibility that maybe your embryo will implant and you will become pregnant. Some of those include wearing colorful lucky socks with pineapples (symbol of fertility). Some socks say “IVF got this,” which doubles as a self-empowering statement, as well as telling others you are going through IVF with a hopeful heart. My personal favorite is the one that says “Sticky Vibes” with a smiling pineapple. There are also T-shirts made specifically for transfer day. People have seriously carved out an entire niche business around transfer day products. 

With everything going on I’ve been so busy planning for my transfer that I forgot to order lucky socks or a shirt. But despite the plethora of socks and shirts to choose from, I decided to do a quicker and, as it turns out, a much more affordable option. I went to my local craft store, Michael’s, picked out a pineapple charm and attached it to a matching gold chain. Only three bucks, not too shabby. I decided to wear it on my transfer day, which you can see in my pictures further below.

  Pineapple Necklace I bought from Michael’s craft store.

  Just Before the Transfer

I decided to take a couple pictures just before I left my hotel for my transfer. In these pictures it captures my gratitude for having made it this far as well as my hopefulness, that just maybe this will work. It’s a long shot, but I need to take it. I’m happy to have this opportunity. These pictures are of pure joy, despite not knowing what the future holds. I know I am doing all I can, with all I have. 

    After I downed 24 ounces of water between 1:00pm-1:30pm for my 2:00pm procedure, I was good to go. For your transfer most doctors recommend you come in with a full bladder which I’ve heard helps them see what’s going on better during the ultrasound when they do the transfer. I put on my necklace, snapped those quick photos to capture the moment, then I was on my way to the clinic.

As we pulled up to the clinic something unusual happened. There was a pedestrian trying to cross in front of my Uber. He was pushing a cart with a fully assembled office chair inside. Instead of slowly moving from the sidewalk to the road itself he pushed the cart hard and the office chair flew out of the cart and across the street. He started cursing as my driver had to completely drive into the other lane to get around him as he picked up his chair. The driver had to do this because there were cars quickly piling up behind us. My driver pulled further up beyond the man, who managed to get the chair back into his cart. Stay with me here, because all of this comes together with something that happens later.

I got out of my Uber, thanked the driver, and walked across the street to my clinic. The man with the cart is now yelling loudly, and although he is yelling I cannot understand anything he is saying. It sounds like fast-paced gibberish. I don’t know if he’s yelling at my driver, or me, or at the situation. I can’t make out anything he is saying. But he’s got his cart, the chair inside the cart again, and he made it across the street without getting hurt. No a big deal, other than maybe a slight blow to his ego. I open up the door to my clinic and make my way to the surgery center. 

The way this building is set up there is a big open lobby area where no matter what floor you are on you can look down onto the lobby. So after I got off the elevator I was walking towards the surgery center. Just before I got to the surgery center door I heard a loud slam come from downstairs in the lobby. I glanced down and saw the man that had been on the street with the cart was now pushing the cart into the entrance door, struggling to get into the building while he was yelling. I could hear him all the way up on the fourth floor, across the whole building.  In all honesty, I felt like it was none of my business, plus I had my procedure I had to get to on time.

I quickly signed a few papers in the surgery center and sat down in the waiting room. I could feel myself smiling and sighing with relief. I’m here, I’m finally here. After everything I’ve been through, this could actually work. I’m minutes away from my long awaited embryo transfer. I’ve waited almost two years for this moment. 

A few seconds after I sat down another patient came in, a guy. At first I thought he was here to support his partner. But I heard the receptionist say something about his surgery to him. Ball surgery I thought to myself. Ouch. This surgery center strictly deals with reproductive issues. Granted I am woefully informed on male reproductive surgery options, other than testicular surgery where they can actually extract sperm if the man has problems producing sperm the good old fashioned way. I’m making assumptions about this guy, and I could be totally wrong. If you are reading this and you were that guy in the office I apologize if my assumptions were wrong. 

  Fire Alarm Goes off Just Before Transfer

Both he and I sat there quietly for about two minutes. Then I thought I saw a quick flash of light.  Maybe the fluorescent light above us flickered briefly. A few seconds later I saw the bright flash again. This time I noticed the guy sitting across from me was looking up at the ceiling. I looked up to see what he was looking at. I realized he was looking at the silent fire alarm flashing for the third time now. No sound, maybe it’s a test. Then…waaaaaah, waaaaaah, waaaaa– “Are you for real?!” I shouted at the alarm. Here I was about to finally do my embryo transfer, and then of the all the moments for the fire alarm to go off it goes off now. What the actual f**k?!

    Not knowing the circumstances I got up and evacuated with everyone else. We all filed down the emergency stairs and out of the building. I’m not sure how many people evacuated but there looked to be at least 50 people that evacuated. Initially I was feeling angry about the situation, but as soon as I stepped into the alleyway, I started to feel stress shoot through my body. I decided to call my husband and it helped to hear his voice as he tried to reassure me that it was probably a false alarm. But now I had so many questions come to me all at once. I posted about it on Instagram:

“Is my embryo sitting thawed out already? How long will it survive sitting there if it is thawed? Is this a false alarm or is the building really on fire somewhere?

I was stressed to the max.

My bladder was very full (needed for transfer).

I had no clue what would happen to my embryo.

Thirty minutes later the fireman gave the all clear. I overheard the staff say that it turns out someone pulled the fire alarm…” (Instagram @hopingforbabyblog)

I’m no detective, but I’m thinking the man who was yelling gibberish and slamming his shopping cart into the front door may have been the culprit. But I don’t know for sure, that’s my best guess though. What a fantastic day this is turning out to be. It’s truly the exact opposite experience someone should be having before their embryo transfer. You are supposed to be reducing your stress level, meditating, thinking happy thoughts, and all that s**t. All of that was out the window for me now.

I could still feel my heart pounding with anxiety when I got back into the office. I asked the receptionist right away, “Is my embryo okay? Was it sitting there thawed out?” She reassured me that it was not thawed out because they hadn’t called me back yet. Phew! Oh my God, I was literally minutes away from that scenario. When I got called back to the procedure room I saw my doctor in the hallway, she smiled and said, “Hey it could have been worse,” which is true I suppose. 

  The Transfer

I changed quickly in the procedure room and got into position in the super awkward exam table. This one is different from your typical table. This one splays out your legs so far that if you aren’t flexible it feels like you are going to break in half. No one told me I needed to be flexible for this procedure. “I don’t think I can bend that way” jokingly told the sonographer. But I managed to make it work. “Are you okay?”she asked me. I laughed again and said, “Not really.” She adjusted the leg holders a bit inward. It was better, but not comfortable by any means. I guess it’s supposed to be that way for this particular procedure, not like with your annual exam.

The sonographer checked my bladder briefly to see if it was full enough. After this friggin’ fire alarm and waiting nearly an hour with a full bladder I felt super uncomfortable. But my bladder had to be full for the procedure. Here’s what I wrote on Instagram account later:

“Despite someone pulling the fire alarm right before my embryo transfer (see previous post), I was still able to do my transfer. And yes, I had to hold from going pee with a full bladder (required for transfer) while the fireman were inside for about 30 minutes.

When I was finally able to go back inside I only had one thing on my mind while they were inserting my embryo…”please don’t pee, please don’t pee, PLEEEASE!” I had to go so badly now that we were running late for my transfer.

Near the last few minutes I could feel my heart rate going down. They told me that because I hadn’t been called back when the alarm went off, they hadn’t thawed the embryo yet. So my embryo was perfectly fine just chillin’ in cryopreservation while I was nearly having a panic attack outside on the sidewalk.

The embryologist said my embryo looks “beautiful” and that it was hatching, which I’ve heard is a good sign. I was able to go to the bathroom right after the transfer, THANK YOU JESUS!

I cannot believe this happened today, but I’m even more surprised I was still able to do the transfer despite the situation. What a rollercoaster of emotions! Phew! Right now I’m just relaxing in my hotel.”  (Instagram @hopingforbabyblog)

  My Embryo

Before they transferred my embryo they handed me a card with a close-up photo of my embryo. They let me know my embryo was hatching and that it looked really good. I was so flustered from the fire alarm I didn’t think to ask what grade it was. But I figured it was good since they said it looked like a high quality embryo. It was amazing to see this embryo not only in the photo but also in real time. They let me know the embryo survived the thaw and they let me watch on the screen as the embryologist carefully sucked my embryo into the thin catheter. The embryologist walked over to my doctor, who then inserted the embryo inside me. Afterwards the embryologist examines the catheter to make sure the embryo is no longer inside and that it was successfully transfered. It only took a few minutes and it was over. I was  looking at the photo of my embryo on the drive back to my hotel. Maybe this little embryo will turn into a pregnancy, that will turn into a live-birth. Maybe I will finally have a baby. I felt like my hope had been renewed.

    Good Eats

I decided to hop on the bandwagon and participate in the fun tradition of eating McDonald’s French fries right after embryo transfer. If you ever wonder why women from the infertility community are happily posing on Instagram or Facebook with french fries after their transfer, the belief is that it may help with the embryo implanting. I don’t really buy into this theory. I just like french fries. I was most of the way through my fries and then I remembered I wanted to take a picture, just for funsies. I feel like I evened it out with a healthy salad later that night. It was one of the best salads I’ve ever had. If you are ever in Seattle, go to Joey Restaurant and order the Farmers Market Salmon Salad. Friggin’ amazing! Super healthy. 

  Post-transfer Fries

  Yummy Salmon Salad while watching 90 Day Fiance Marathon at my hotel.

  Will my Embryo Implant?

I’m happy that I was still able to do my transfer, but it was so stressful. I don’t know whether the high stress will impact the embryo implanting. You always hear fertility doctors saying that we need to do everything to be as relaxed as possible, so what will come of this situation. The only thing I can do is try to chill out at the hotel tonight and tomorrow morning. I leave on my plane tomorrow afternoon. Now I need to wait to see if my embryo implants or not. I’ll need to do a quantitative hCG blood test here soon. I’ll be posting more photos of my trip on Instagram here later.

Embryo Transfer Day Today is big, like really big. If you are new here let me catch you up quickly.

[kissmeunderthestarlight]

Critical Beauty(Yeo One-Pentagon)

Requested by: MarriedToKpop

~I was walking and I just found this rose on the street. If you like it, take it. I didn’t know you liked pink, but seeing you hold it it does look good with you. Don’t look at me like that. Stop asking me. Where did you learn to smile like that. I feel hot all of a sudden. Heat is rising for some reason~

Brrrrnnggg.

Your eyes popped wide open and you gasped as you sat up quickly once the shrill noise reached your ears. You paused for a second to catch your breath and look at your surroundings to recognize where you were, before realizing you were in your class. Embarrassment covered you as you saw all the looks that your class mates were giving you and you slid farther down into your chair as you felt your cheeks heat up. 

You heard a snort from behind you and felt a hand tap your head making you pout and bring your own up to rub the sore spot. "Ouch," you muttered as you turned sideways in your chair and scowled at your boyfriend. 

"You're such a goof, I can't believe you fell asleep in class." Yeo One picked at you as he waited patiently for you to collect your things. 

"You didn't have to hit me though," you told him as you glanced up at him and pouted.

He smiled and bent over reaching his hand up to rub your head, "Mianhae. Come on now, school's out and I don't want to stay here longer than usual."

You shook your head but couldn't help to smile as he held onto your hand and led you from the classroom. A smile stayed on your face while the both of you walked hand in hand and headed out of the school building then started on your walk home. Yeo One talked about random things and you never complained, you loved listening to him get excited about something so when he got like this you would just stay quiet and listen.

"Hey, y/n, can we do something tonight?" He asked as he tilted his head and smiled down at you.

"Hm? Sure, what were you thinking?"

He paused for a minute and then cleared his throat as he scratched the back of his neck. "Uhm, well my parents are gone for the night so would you like to come over? I was- uh- I was planning on making dinner?"

Your eyes widened in surprise and you glanced over to him, a smile slowly crossed onto your face as you stopped and stared at him in amazement. "Wait, what? Really?"

"Mhm, ar-are you okay with that?" He asked slowly, a slight pink tint covering his cheeks. 

"Of course I am." You told him as you wrapped your arms around him and hugged him, making him let out a laugh. "That sounds amazing."

You heard him sigh, most likely from relief, and he wrapped his arms around you as well. "Good, then shall we go?"

You pulled back from the hug and nodded about to start down the street again when he put his hand on your arm, stopping you. "What?"

~Why do you want me to say the obvious? Why do you want me to say the obvious? Why do you keep asking the obvious? That’s how I feel. Why do you want me to say the obvious? It’s written on your face. Why are you getting mad? You’re a critical beauty~

He smiled and didn't say anything, instead he just nodded towards a car that had just pulled to a stop behind you. You glanced from the car to your boyfriend and felt your eyebrows pull together. 

"My uhm, my dad insisted." He bit his lip and looked away then back to you, "Are you okay with it. Cause we can walk if you wa-"

"What? Are you kidding? Let's go!" 

He laughed and followed behind you as you drug him to the car. 

*Time Skip brought to you by.....FACE MIST! Even Daesung promotes it!* ~never gets old~

You looked around the house with contempt as you remembered how homey his house felt. It had been a while since you'd been here but as always it felt nice to be here. The both of you had been in a relationship since you were in the tenth grade and now you were both freshman in college. All these years your families had grown closer and eventually you all were actually close and felt like a great big family. Your parents adored him and treated him as their own son and his parents were so loving to you, always making you feel welcomed.

"Hey jagi, it's done." Your handsome boyfriend said as he poked his head through the kitchen doorway.

"Oh, coming!"

"No, wait!" He called suddenly making you stop quickly and look at him with wide eyes. "Stay here, one second."

You watched with confusion as he turned and ran back into the kitchen and listened as you heard banging and clinking. "Yeo, what are you doing?"

"One second! Ouch! Crap, that's hot!"

You got worried and walked quickly to the doorway, "Hey, you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine! Here come in now." He told you softly as he opened the door for you and led you to the table, that was now set with a table cloth and the room was warmly lit thanks to the candles scattered around the room. 

You paused and stared at the set table with amazement. "Ye-Yeo, thi-this is beautiful."

He scratched his cheek and bit his lip, "You like it?"

"Ye-Yeah, I love it!" You told him as you turned and wrapped your arms around his waist. "Thank you so much for this."

"No problem, you deserve better but this was the best I could do."

"Better?! What's better than this?"

He chuckled and pulled away, pulling a chair out for you and smiling widely.

~Stop trying to find signs of me checking out other girls or trying to find the differences. Don’t want you to join the others who are so obvious. Just want us to get closer. I feel the high like diving into the sky, as if I’ve always been like that giving off a tsundere vibe. I live for you, I’ll give you everything. If I’m with you alone anywhere we go, it’s Hollywood~

You sighed in contempt and leaned back slightly in your chair , smiling happily as you looked to Yeo One. He had finished earlier than you had and was spending the rest of the time talking with you about random things. Overall you enjoyed everything and didn't stop telling him that especially since you enjoyed the food so much.

"You never told me you could cook though, Yeo." You told him as you leaned your elbows on the table, looking over at him as he stood at the sink. 

"Yeah, mom taught me long ago but I never had the chance to actually show you my skills."

You laughed and stood from the table, heading over to him and wrapping your arms around him from behind. "Thank you again for the amazing dinner."

"No problem at all, jagi." He turned the tap off and turned to face you, holding you in his embrace while softly kissing your forehead. "I'm glad you enjoyed it. I'm also happy I was able to pull tonight off."

You pulled back and looked at him with confusion, "What's so special about tonight?"

"Uhm," he stopped and pulled back. "I can't do this in here, I have it all planned so just follow me real quick."

"Uh, sure. Okay," you told him with confusion as you followed after him not really understanding what was going on.

He stopped the both of you by the glass door that goes out to the patio and turned around to face you, reaching to his pocket and holding something behind his back. "Okay, close your eyes."

You were even more confused and looked at him strangely for a few seconds before rolling your eyes and closing them. Listening to him was a lot easier than arguing with him, you told yourself as you sighed and mentally complained. Eventually you felt something smooth and cool wrap around your eyes and felt Yeo tying it behind your head. 

"So....any particular reason I'm being blindfolded? Because I'm pretty sure it's not my birthday...or our anniversary to be exact." You told him with a smile before you felt his hand on your back and walked hesitantly to where he led you. 

He chuckled and continued leading you, "You would be correct but tonight is in fact a very special one."

"Mind telling me wh-" You were cut off when he shushed you and you felt his hand disappear. "Woah, hey. Babe, where'd you go?!"

"Relax," he whispered from behind you as he took the blindfold off and wrapped his arms around you resting his hands on your stomach. "Open your eyes."

You did as he said and blinked your eyes open, then felt them widen and your mouth drop open in surprise at the view you saw. "Oh-Oh my-" You couldn't even speak as you felt your eyes water.

"Do you like it?"

"Love it," you whispered. 

There were candles around, like the kitchen, and rose petals scattered on the ground. In the shape of a heart. Then you heard gentle music playing and turned to your left to see a small speaker playing music from his phone. 

"Yeo, this is amazin- Oh my gosh." You had turned back and was surprised to see Yeo One kneeling in the middle of the roses on one knee with a ring case in his hands. 

"Y/n, we have been together since I was an idiotic teen but thanks to you being next to me all these years I have grown into the man, well not man but a young adult, that I am today and have fallen head over heels for you. I live everyday waking up thinking about you and going to sleep with you still on my mind. You are my light and my day, you've supported me through my good and bad days, and I couldn't love you anymore than I do. I promise to spend the rest of my life doing nothing but making you happy and I never want to spend a day away from your side."

He gently grabbed ahold of your hand and you felt your eyes water again, wanting to cry but not wanting to miss a thing you held them back. 

"I want you to be my future and I don't want to miss a chance to spend the rest of my life with you. So will you please do me the absolute honor of marrying me? Say yes?"

~Somehow this shining thing found its way into my pocket, I guess you can try putting it on your finger. Oh goosebumps, it fits you perfectly. How come the same ring is on my finger? Don’t look at me like that. What are you so curious about. How did your voice become like that? I feel hot all of a sudden, I’m going crazy because of you~

You stared down at him and let go of his hand to cup his face, "Are you crazy? Why would I every say no? Yes!"

He froze for a few seconds then blinked quickly, "Wh-Really?!" He stood up and held onto your arms as he stared into your eyes.

You laughed and nodded, feeling the tears finally come out and run down your cheeks. "Yes!"

He laughed and pulled you to him, squeezing you in his embrace and making you laugh but you returned his hug with a smile. "I love you," he mumbled as he rested his head on top of yours.

"I love you, too."

"Oh! The ring," he exclaimed as he pulled back and got it out of the case and slipping it onto your finger.  "It's even more beautiful on you," he mumbled making your smile widen.

"Oh please, this is just amazing." 

You looked up at him as he cupped your face and closed your eyes when he leaned forward, kissing you. 

"I love you."

"I love you."

~Why do you want me to say the obvious? Why do you want me to say the obvious? Why do you keep asking the obvious? That’s how I feel, why do you want me to say the obvious? It’s written on your face. Why are you getting mad? You’re a critical beauty. It’s Yuto. Burn everything up, fire. I lost it all for you. I’m addicted to you like a deeply spread virus. Someone save me, I can’t hide my growing feelings. That’s right, I can’t breathe because of you~

"Okay, let's see we have all the bridesmaids and bouquets. And uh, let's see. Oh! I forgot to g-"

"Jihee, would you please calm down!" You told the stressing girl with a laugh, "You being on edge is putting me on edge. And I don't think I can afford to be on edge today."

"Oh, y/n, I'm so sorry!" She said as she sat beside you with a sigh. "You're right, I'm stressing. But it's because today's such a big day and-"

"And the wedding planner can handle everything, okay? Shouldn't I be the one who's stressing seeing as how I'm the one getting married?"

You both shared a laugh and you wrapped your arm around her shoulders, "Look I love you and all, you wouldn't be my maid of honor if I didn't, but your job right now is to just stay by my side and keep me calm okay?"

She nodded and some stray strands out of my face, "I feel like a proud mother right now."

"Well that would be my job," a voice said from the doorway making the smile grow on your face and you stand from the small bench you were seated on. 

"Eomma~ I'm so glad you're here right now." You said as you stood and hugged her smaller form making her chuckle.

"Oh my little baby, I'm so happy right now. I love you, sweetheart."

She cupped your face in her hands and smiled at you, "I'm nervous."

"Butterflies?" She asked softly as she tilted her head to the side and studied you.

"Yeah, like a whole swarm of them." You admitted as you set your hand on your stomach.

"Oh my baby, you are so in love aren't you?"

You felt heat rush to your cheeks and bit your lip, "Yes. I am momma."

"Well sweetie, let me tell you something. From how nervous that boy was out there who's waiting for you, I can tell you that he whole-heartedly loves you too."

You smiled and nodded, holding onto her hands as the wedding planner opened the door and smiled at you. "Ready?"

Your eyes widened and you took a deep breath before nodding to her. "Let's do this."

[A/n: I would just like to say that I have no idea how weddings work in korea so you will be having a wedding that I know how to write about x'D]

Your father came from behind her and smiled at you, kissing your cheek as you placed your arm through his. "Ready to go?"

You nodded and felt your mother lower your veil before smiling at you and heading into the main hall. Glancing once more at your father you slightly tightened your hand on his arm and faced the doors, taking a deep breath and watching with amazement as they slowly opened. Your father led you down the isle and your gaze didn't stray from the man standing at the very end. The man that you were about to start the rest of your life with. The man that was smiling widely at you and the very love of your life.

"You ready?" He whispered when you finally reached him.

You took another breath and looked into his eyes, "Totally."

"Let's go then."

~Don’t look at me like that, stop asking me. Where did you learn to smile like that? I feel hot all of a sudden, heat is rising for some reason. Why do you want me to say the obvious? Why do you want me to say the obvious? Why do you keep asking the obvious? That’s how I feel, why do you want me to say the obvious? It’s written on your face. Why are you getting mad? You’re a critical beauty~