#today we're yearning. for normalcy

[cn-alastair-lite]

OH FUCK OH NO THOUGHT ABOUT THE INTRICACIES OF HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS AND HOW I'LL NEVER ACHIEVE MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND ONE TO CALL A PARTNER IN THIS WRETCHED WORLD. TIME TO COPE BY LONG-TERM LOBOTOMIZING MYSELF WITH QUEER CHINESE STORIES ABOUT HOW LOVE CONQUERS ALL

[fairlybeloved]

@makoblue

"You're welcome, Mrs Hopkins, don't worry about it. Don't have much planned today." In one arm, Zack carried what appeared to be a pile of groceries, while the other supported a decrepit old woman, back locked in a perpetual bend forward.

"Now THAT I doubt. You must be struggling with a LINE of lady callers, eh? You're such a good boy."

Zack smiled, their pacing painfully slow, but he didn't mind it. Mrs Hopkins was near completely blind. Probably a good thing she didn't know the one consistently helping her out was viewed as anything BUT the good citizen she thought of him. Rather, a menace to their fair city - and hunted, at that.

ShinRa was chomping at the bit to finally get a hold of him. If they did, Zack had no small amount of ideas of what they would do to him. He wasn't willing to give them the pleasure. He'd escaped under impossible circumstances and yet, freedom was hardly how it felt.

Zack's world had always been topsy turvy, extending far beyond what he could recall. The memories of the past decade, or longer, overtook all the ideas of before when things were simpler [those days that he sorely took for granted, and painfully yearned for now]. The ground had yet to resettle into any sense of normalcy since he'd gained his 'freedom,' as loose a concept as it was for the hunted. How did one go from stagnation to color and sound all at once? It felt very much like his mind and body were caught in two different places. He was living a splintered reality.

"All right, Mrs Hopkins, we're here!"

"Very good. You can just set the groceries down the ground where you always do. Missy will be along presently."

"You got it." Zack hustled to put down the ladies goods, opening the door and rushing back to assist her the rest of the way forward.

"Thank you, young man."

He had told her his real name on one occasion, but she never seemed to recall it. Now.... well, whatever name he gave her, it was false. Best for everyone involved, though he didn't see any sense of danger in that circumstance.

"I'll see you around, Mrs Hopkins!"

It was a painful experience, those brief moments of pure bliss, where the world seemed finally righted. It was just...

So NORMAL. So innocent and carefree, like everything might be okay.

Zack sighed, tilting his head back.

There was a niggling sensation in the back of his head, he could feel the tiny hairs on his neck stand bolt upright. He'd long learned to follow his instincts. How else would he have survived so long? Eyes popped open, body tensed, and his gaze pierced through the layers of the world that existed in front of him to find what had alarmed him unconsciously.

He stared. 

It was rude to stare and yet, there was no internal voice that demanded he look away. Gone was the fresh-faced dreamer. There was more than simply the physical scars that marred him. 

Cloud?

He stared, because there was often things around him that reminded him of his old friend [they'd been through quite a lot together, though he doubted Cloud would remember any of it].

Damn if the man ahead didn't look like Cloud. 

There was nearly a momentary retraction back to the past, where Zack would screech and jump like some rabid spider monkey to latch onto his back and demand he join him for a drink or an adventure through the countrysides they connected over!

He huffed out a breath, the burning in his chest reminding him of the need for oxygen, a discomfort that brought him slamming back into the moment. 

[mmm-amba]

i lost my pen so now i am restored to writing on my ipad to journal away my energy. but now i am here to dutifully write my music mondays.

this was my song of the summer. it's about how there's no such thing as better days. basically, nothing is permanent. one beautiful lyric is -- we're all just a splash of paint on the canvas, and it all dries. when i hear the song, i hear "a splash of pain". so, life is temporary, pain is temporary, so those good things that we excruciatingly yearn for are also temporary.

this song helped me get through a period of time when i speaks very much wrought with guilt over how i hurt somebody i care about and caused a big rift in the friendship. the song reassured me that nothing is permanent. whether the friendship is bad, or good, or neutral, or whatever, i don't get to attach myself to the present moment and expect it to persist indefinitely. of course, granted, im trying my best to live and learn and i am still reflecting and growing from that mistake. but the pain and the bliss and everything in between with this friend are all temporary; im not beating myself up over how things happened.

no quick pick me up's ; don't you be fooled by the drugs, everything that shine ain't gold

specially in the era of social media and dating apps and post covid celebrations of normalcy, there are seemingly infinitely many cheap thrills (reminds me of toro y moi's song ordinary pleasure). there is also what feels like an unprecedented amount of trauma and war and suffering today. this song kind of puts life's good and bad in conversation and offers a subtle solution.