#today was a very dragon ball brain rot type of day

[shizunstan]

Is Pan just Pan or is she Son Pan?

[saturdaysolaces]

spring term of second year: love, hate and everything in between

Hey, I’ve been gone for a while now, and even though I’ve had the intention to post multiple times during the past 5 months or so, I have not been able to bring myself to do it for reasons not worth mentioning. 

Just a heads up, this is mainly me reminding myself of my past experiences. Although not necessarily meant to be read as a normal post (because I rant on and on), I’ll still leave it here. Enjoy! (?)

All things aside, I just officially finished my second year of high school. As the title already states, it has been an incredibly rough ride both mentally and physically, but also better than I could’ve ever wished for. I’ve managed to seek something happy in every moment of despair, but it has taken me some time to get used to the idea of having utterly bad days that can’t be avoided, and that being sad and hurt and lost it just part of the deal you make in order to get the most out of life. It has undoubtedly been the hardest part of second year: admitting that there will be storms and rain amidst the fields of daisies I’ve spent so long tediously planting. I don’t want to be sad, nobody obviously does, but every bad day to me is a rock that takes weeks to lift. 

Excuse my cliche analogies. There were also a countless number of satisfactory and joyous moments that I’ve fortunately enough managed to capture. This post is me sharing those moments in the hopes of revisiting some of the happiest days of my life now when I’m feeling extremely down again. I just got out of school after having long chats and pizza with my dear friends, but today, like the whole month of may, I’ve had so many ups and downs that it really distorts my feelings.

In the span of these last 6 months of second year, I’ve 

discovered my love of science memes. me and my friends have a habit of sharing the most ridiculous ones on the day of the exam (or the night before). 

been to the library an overwhelming number of times. these are times I sometimes don’t enjoy thinking about because I struggled mentally but most of those times were spent with friends, so we had good laughs and got through it together (with the help of some very unhealthy snacks)

drank way too much coca cola. it’s become somewhat of a joke amongst me and my friend Em because we both buy it from the school’s vending machine nearly weekly (I’m amazed our teeth haven’t begun to rot away yet)

fallen in love with indie Japanese music! my recommendation would be the band For Tracy Hyde (Underwater girls is my favourite of theirs)! It’s also gotten be back to the mood of watching anime, and so I’ve done religiously for the past few months. Kill la Kill, Parasyte, Miss Kobayashi’s dragon maid and Little Witch academia are my recent faves.

Danced wanhat! They’re essentially a type of prom second-year students attend in February. The event and the dances are quite formal and traditional. Wanhat has been a thing I had been waiting for since lower secondary because they grant you the change to practically spend a day as a princess. It was, of course, stressful and wearing me seriously out during the months leading up to the big day, but definitely worth it. I got the most out of every dance, my pair was super sweet and the company afterwards everything I could’ve asked for. The highlight of the day, though, was the limo Em’s parents had kindly booked for us. We rode around the city feeling like queens.

Visited Cambridge! It is currently my ultimate dream university, and I’m planning on applying there in around one and a half year’s time. As is probably very apparent, my English is not on the level required to attend, but as my final exams are looming around the corner and one of them being English, I am hoping to develop as much as I can over the summer.

Been to CERN! It was on my bucket list and I never thought I would get to tick it off this early in my life. Basically, my school with a few others organized a trip to Switzerland and CERN that was held in late February and early March. I applied for it during the fall last year with no intention of actually getting in (mostly because the prerequisite was to excel in all-things physics which I really didn’t at the time), but so I did. We had a lot of preparatory work before the actual trip, including group presentations and visits to a university’s physics department. Then, we spent a 5 days in Switzerland, two of which we stayed in the coastal city Montreux and my physics teacher’s old boarding school where he had taught a few years back. On day three, we headed off to CERN and I can’t praise the place enough. The whole process, though, was made the best one yet by the people I got to meet and the breathtaking landscapes I saw along the way. I made friends with a girl I’ve been adoring for quite a long time since the fall of first year but I’ve never gotten the courage to walk up to her and open my mouth. We did a bunch of stuff together, the most memorable of which were probably walking to French to buy food and having alcohol-free champagne for breakfast. I really miss CERN, but I’m glad I have so many amazing memories to look back to. 

Had some really fun Valentine’s celebrations! Em had the great idea to make puzzle piece shaped cut-outs from cardboard and write messages on them. Me and my friends also drew tiny hearts onto our cheeks. Cute.

Many, many afternoons were spent in small cafes around the city, talking about everything from history to what we want to do after we retire. Needless to say, I’ve spent a ton of money on overpriced coffee.

Dropped a course. Not my happiest memory, but sixteen-year-old me would never have believed she could do something like this. I never leave something unfinished, especially it that something happens to be a course held by one of my favourite teachers whom I continue to admire. It did leave me a bit disappointed in myself because I couldn’t push through like I always have, but it was one of the best decisions I’ve done.

Overall, spent more time with my friends. Chatting over coffee or Burger King has sort of become a norm in our friend group. We’ve also had the time of our lives just going around second hand stores and half-empty shopping centres trying on the most ridiculous clothing items we can find. I’ve also taken the time to catch up with my friends from lower secondary.

Seen brain surgery up close! Well, not exactly the whole surgery, but at least the cutting-through-skull phase. Our school carried out a visit to a hospital’s neurology department, and to everyone’s surprise, we got to go into the OR while the patient was under anaesthesia and the surgeons were preparing. We also got a glimpse of the reason behind the surgery through a monitor – a tumour the size of a golf ball. The thing is though, the surgeons were exactly, and I’m not kidding, like those right out of Grey’s Anatomy – strangely excited to cut into an unsuspecting man’s brain.

Gotten some amazing friends! I’ve expanded my “core” friend group from the four it was last summer to the 8 it is now. Plus, I’ve met some really sweet and cool people who, while not being a part of the group I primarily hang out with, are still people I will remember with a warm heart. And god have we experienced a lot. I love my friends more than I ever would be able to put into words, they mean the absolute world to me. Em, X, L, S, Vee, A and V, thank you from the bottom of my heart! 

Signed the forms that officially tie me to the final exams next fall. There’s no backing away now – this is truly life or death. 

Oh and I ranked top 12 in a national biology competition that might potentially allow me to take part in a half-a-year long coaching course preparing students for the international biology olympics. The situations is still a bit unclear but technically I got accepted, so I’m hoping to start the coaching next fall! I’ll update on this later. 

There are also a million things I am grateful for right now. First and most significant of them being my friends, second being all of my teachers. I’ve always had a huge amount of appreciation towards them, but this spring for some reason brought it even more to the surface. I have endless respect for my biology teacher as she is the one pushing me towards my dreams. Something that I appreciate considerably is the fact that she really pays attention to what her students’ passions are and what they really strive for. She’s great with everyone, and today she also said how much she has respect for me – a sentence I have never heard in my life. She knows how much I love metabolic pathways and she’s really keen on what everyone’s up to, and that’s notably why she will always be one of the best people I’ve ever met. 

My physics teacher is also superb. I actually had my first course of his last fall (whereas I’ve known my biology teacher since first term of first year). Not only is he a great teacher, he also is somewhat of a comedian. He throws jokes in anywhere he can, and managed to gather a list of his quotes from his courses. It’s a bummer that I won’t ever have his classes again though because he, again, is one of those people who can really light up a room. 

Praise and compliments from the teachers I highly appreciate are my source of external motivation and that’s why I take so much pride in doing my best. I know that this path is hazardous as the thing you should do instead is rely solely on intrinsic motivation which is not dependent on such outside factors, but this is just how I’ve learnt to push through. Today was really rough for me because I was left without the feeling of being recognised as a hard-working student. I admit I’m coming off as really selfish and narcissistic but I have the best grades in my class – grades I’ve fought for at the cost of my mental well-being. After all of the work I’ve done I still left our spring festivities today empty-handed, without any scholarship or diploma. The scholarships are handed out to students based on their academic excellence. And thus, I felt completely like I hadn’t pushed hard enough. I’m running low on motivations, and it’s not good to have these kind of things happen right before I’m supposed to start revising for my final exams. I know it will bother me for a while, but I’ll be fine. I’m just a bit too dramatic when it comes to these things. Fortunately the scholarship went to Em, who deserves it 110%.

So, what about the future? It’s frightening, to say the least. I have to take my first two matriculation exams this fall, and god am I scared. Matriculation exams are basically the final exams Finnish students take before they can graduate high school. They will be spread out throughout the next one and a half years of my life, the first two next fall and the next six during spring and fall of 2020. They are all six-hour exams and I’m still left wondering how I’ll manage to concentrate for that long without having my eyes getting sore from staring at a computer screen. I would not be nearly as scared if the exams I will take first were something other than biology and English. They are exams that define whether I can even apply abroad, and thus they being the first ones stress me out inconceivably. That being said, I have to start studying for them soon. I’m heading out tomorrow with my friend L to plan our revision over the summer so that we’ll get a head start and can hit the books as soon as possible. Also, I borrowed two biology textbooks for first-year university students with the plans to study them a bit as well (and since they are in English I can get some useful practise that way too). 

As for English, I was debating on whether I should set up an actual blog or just continue using my tumblr, and I’ve decided on posting on tumblr as it is the more low-effort of the two and still pretty fun. I find that the best way to revise English is to actively write, because it enables you to find a flow and get a sense of routine when you are writing essays in the actual exams. So, expect more posts coming soon!

I wish I could remember every small bit of happiness from second year. Nevertheless, I am glad about everything I do recall, but also everything else I have experienced. My heart is full of joy.