#today was a shiiiiiit health day

[bloodanddiscoballs]

[fishthegenderwitch]

Choices & Disclosure.

Shiiiiiit! Guys. Guuyyyss.

I randomly started watching this Netflix movie called “Heal”. Didn’t see the info on it at all, just saw the thumbnail of a woman who looked like she was embracing light. I’m not far in, but it’s changing my life. The human body CAN redecorate itself back to health. Yea, I said ‘redecorate’. The way I’m seeing it, the decor of your life is determined by your choices. I’m not saying that illness doesn’t exist, I’m saying it’s possible to change the patterns around you to make your life better than it was. It’s about the choices.

I have been in a deep depression for a really long time. I’m talking decades. Sometimes, for a month or so at a time, or even a couple, it lightens. The mood shifts, the sun comes in, the decor is changed, and things are better. Not Amazing, yet, but better. This past couple of weeks, after my partner’s accident, I’ve been living in squalor. Not as in rotting garbage or anything that gross, but Zero organisation, Zero tidiness, Zero creativity. I can barely move in my apartment, and I haven’t really felt inclined to. I go from the bed to the bathroom, from the bathroom to my computer, from the door to the bed after I get home from work. I let my dog run around in the yard outside my door because I don’t want to walk. I’ve been eating very poorly, when I HAVE been eating. (I just ate two cans of Alpha-getti for dinner; wheat makes me sleep. Not super awesome.)

I wash my laundry at my partner’s when I go over at least once a week; not having a ton of clothes, it doesn’t make a dent in his electricity bill, but sometimes I don’t get over there. Especially lately. With him being injured, we can’t really cuddle or hug much anymore. I never realised how much of an impact that has had on my mental state until today. In addition, we’ve watched shows that featured couples getting engaged, and we’ve talked frankly about the future with regards to marriage and what that would look like. At this stage, neither of us feel like we’re even a complete person, let alone someone together enough to merge lives with the other. I just caught myself saying, “OMG humans can heal themselves; humans have that capacity!” and then have to continually remind myself that I am also a human. It started out as a joke years ago, that I referred to myself as an alien, but I’m starting to think that this ‘joke’ was taken too far. It’s like I have actively chosen to distance myself both in mentality and physically from the rest of the world. I do not feel healthy.

Additionally, my mom moved in with my sister over a month ago, and we haven’t really talked very much. All of these things, coupled with the busy lives (or sheer distance) of the few friends I have, has left me very isolated, depressed, and lonely.

The choices I make are the ones that can change my life while alone, in small increments. Washing my bedding or brushing my teeth (both things I rarely remember to do) are monumental challenges, but when I DO accomplish them, I feel good. It’s choosing to do something that’ll make me feel okay for that day; a small victory against the depression boulder that weighs on me.

I met a man this month who told me the more I get outside during the summer, the better the winter goes, mentally. You store up that sunlight, the vitamin D you’ve made from sun exposure, and it bolsters you when the sun isn’t as strong. He was a smart guy. I’m trying to remember that advice.

In the meantime, one small choice a day is all I can manage. Someday, I will be healed, and be the version of me I dream of. Someday.