#today i went and walked half an hour to get tools for swapping out my shower head

[theajaheira]

finally starting to go outside and walk around and stuff :)

[study-coffee-chicago]

Seasons of Med: Season 2 and Seasons of PD: Season 4: Necessities, Love, & Care (A Halstead Brothers + Halstead Sister! Imagine)

Your age: 15

Jay's age: 29

Will's age: 31

You were currently sitting at the library, trying to figure out how you'd get food for dinner. It was January and you had run out of your Christmas money two weeks ago and you had burned through your money from helping with kettle corn at the beginning of December. Right now you were SOL: Shit outta luck.

Your mind wandered back to the last day you had helped working the kettle corn stand when it was a dreary late October day.

"We have kettle corn, caramel corn, cheddar, Chicago style, and a few other flavors," you explained to a customer. She picked up a medium bag of caramel corn. "That one?"

"Yes, dear. Me and my husband love this stuff," the old lady said.

"I'm sure. It's really good! It'll be six dollars." She pulled out a five and two ones. "I'll be right back with your change."

"Oh, no, keep the change, dear. Thank you for the popcorn."

"You're welcome. Have a nice day."

"Y/N," Emma said to you. "Can you grab me a lemonade from the cooler?"

"Just one?"

"Yup, just one."

You grabbed it from the cooler and were about to pass it to her when you saw who her customers were: Jay and Erin.

"Y/N?" Jay asked. "What are you doing here?"

"Working," you answered quickly. "Little bit of extra money never hurt anybody. The real question is, what are you doing here? I know Erin hates being outside when the weather is crappy."

"It's because he's annoying when he whines and begs to do something, so I figured it was just best to give in," Erin answered.

Jay rolled his eyes. "God, I can't win with either of you. Why do you always gang up on me?"

"Because, Halstead, us girls gotta stick together," Erin laughed.

"Okay, okay, fine. Y/N, what popcorn should I get?"

"First of all, it's kettle corn," you corrected. "And, I suggest the cheddar. Or, if you want a combination of both salty and sweet, then get the Chicago style. It's cheddar and caramel."

"Me and Erin like sweet, but I know you. You like cheddar. And you'll pick out the cheddar pieces when you're at my apartment, so I'll get the Chicago style."

"Or," Erin started as she picked up a large bag of caramel and a large bag of cheddar, "We could get this big bag of caramel, and then you could have this bag at your apartment for Y/N. That way the flavors aren't touching."

"Erin Lindsay and not liking her food touching. Fine, we'll take what Erin suggested and one lemonade."

"One or two straw holes?" Emma asked, picking up the lid-punching tool.

"One's fine," Jay answered.

"They swap enough spit as it is," you whispered to Emma, causing her to laugh.

"What'd she say?" Jay asked.

"I can't tell you. It's a secret."

He huffed. "Fine. Keeping secrets from your big brother? That's cold Y/N, that's cold."

"So you're saying you never kept secrets from Will?" Erin asked.

"I have the right to remain silent."

"Exactly," Erin said. "How much does he owe you?"

"Excuse me? I didn't know I'd be the one paying for all of this."

"You were the one who dragged me outside, so yes, you are paying, Halstead. Now, get your card ready."

Jay rolled his eyes and pulled out his wallet. "How much?"

You did the math in your head. "$23."

"Emma, can you check her math?" Jay asked and you rolled your eyes in his lack of faith in you.

"$10 for the cheddar and $8 for the caramel makes $18...plus $5 for the lemonade...yup $23."

You handed him the card reader. "And now it's just going to ask you a few questions," you told him after his card went through.

Without allowing him to read it all the way through, Erin hit the tip and no receipt buttons. "Hey!" Jay exclaimed.

"Don't blame me! You were the one who wanted me to come out here!" She turned to you and took the bag of kettle corn as Jay picked up the 32 oz lemonade. "Thanks, Y/N!"

"No problem! Just make sure he doesn't buy any more paintings of motorcycles!"

Man, how you wished you could work that job right now because it was only for a few hours on the weekends. But, it was winter now, so there were no street fairs, farmers markets, or festivals going on. Because of this, your money had run out. You'd have to do what you'd have to get yourself some food, even if it would leave you with a guilty conscience.

With that in mind, you got up and left the library.

***

"Pop's been complaining of chest pain and refuses to go to the hospital," Jay told his older brother as he walked through the front door and into the living room.

"Of course he did," Will grumbled. Then, he turned to his father. "This won't take long. Unless it's bad. Then you'll have to come with me and actually go to the hospital this time."

"You can't force me to do anything," he argued as he watched his oldest son open up his medical bag.

"Just let him do his job. He knows what he's doing," Jay agreed with Will. Then, he remembered something. "Where's Y/N?"

"At school."

"At school? At 5 pm?" Jay asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Sometimes she stays after school and does homework. She's always home before it gets too late so I don't ask."

It's not like Jay and Will could have known this, though. Yes, you would talk and they're obviously there for you because they're your brothers, but your dad's parenting skills--or lack thereof--hadn't ever come up. You'd get together with your brothers once a week, but it was usually at one of your brothers' places. They rarely came inside your and your dad's place.

"All units, we have reports of a robbery at 3020 East Main Street. Assistance requested," Jay's radio stated.

Jay looked to Will, silently asking if it was okay for him to take it. "I've got it from here."

"Thanks, man," Jay said, clapping Will on the back and leaving the house.

He drove to the small corner market that had made the call. It was only a block away from where you and your dad lived, but despite it usually being somewhat slow, today it was even slower. There was only one car parked in the lot, so Jay was confused as to who would even rob this place.

He put on his vest and walked into the store. "Got a call about a robbery," he said to the store manager as he entered.

"Yes, right over here."

He led Jay over to where a girl was sitting on a stool, tears rolling down her face. She held a box of pasta, a loaf of bread, and a small jar of peanut butter. Her coat was unzipped, revealing the tampons and pads she had stuffed inside her coat after she had ripped open the box.

"Y/N?" Jay asked in disbelief. "What are you doing? What were you even thinking?"

"I- I'm sorry," you sniffled.

Then he turned to the store manager. "You called the cops on a fifteen-year-old girl for grabbing what looks to me like necessities?"

"I've let her go the past two times when she needed things, but today she didn't have the money, so I couldn't let it slide."

Jay threw $30 in the man's hand. "There. Now it's all paid for." He turned to you and took the loaf of bread. "C'mon."

You followed him out of the store, waiting to be yelled at as you entered his truck, but it didn't come. He pinched the bridge of his nose as he handed you the bread. "Why? Why did you do this?"

"There- There's barely any food in the house. I was just hungry."

Jay looked you up and down. He hadn't been really looking for changes in weight like he told Natalie he would do six months ago. He kept it up for a few months and then winter came around and it was hard to tell because of bulky jackets and sweaters. But, now that he actually looked at your face and hands in an investigative manner, it was clear as day: You had lost even more weight.

"And the other stuff?" he asked.

"Dad won't buy them for me. Says that they're too expensive and to just use something else. He said that if he had had a son he wouldn't have to worry about it, like it's my fault. Usually, I take some from school, but I ran out and I needed them."

"And the food?" Jay asked as he started driving back to his childhood home.

"I get breakfast and lunch at school, but I have to eat dinner at home. And on weekends I just skip meals and eat breakfast and dinner."

"What? What about Dad?"

"He gets takeout or he goes to the bar and isn't home until late."

Jay sighed as he pulled into the driveway. "Go pack a bag, kid. You're staying at my place until further notice."

"Really? I thought you guys forgot about me?"

"We could never forget about you. It's just, work has been busy for both of us. So, sorry if these last few times we've all been together for dinner have seemed a little rushed. Now, go inside and grab your stuff while I have a chat with Will and Dad."

"Dad, Will," Jay said after you had run upstairs and they were sitting on the couch. "I need to talk to you. In the kitchen."

"Really, Jay. Why can't it be here?" your dad grumbled. "First he--" He pointed to Will. "Wants to take me to the hospital because he said I have a valve issue and now I can't even have a conversation with my sons while sitting down?"

"Just get up, dammit!"

The three entered the kitchen and sat down, but Jay stayed standing. "Jay, what's going on?" Will asked.

Instead of answering his older brother, Jay just opened the fridge. There was a half drank gallon of milk, a jar of grape jelly, and a can of pasta sauce, along with other condiments, and a lone egg sat on a shelf. "This? This is what you expect your daughter to eat? I caught her stealing from a store just so she could get food and tampons!"

"Well, I'm not gonna pay for it."

"Excuse you?" Will exclaimed, eyebrows raised in surprise. "What do you mean you're not paying for it? She's your daughter, isn't she? Then you have a legal responsibility to feed her, make sure she has shelter, clothes, and goes to school!"

"She can go get a job."

"She is fucking fifteen!" Jay yelled. "She doesn't need to be worrying about where her next meal is coming from! She's supposed to be worrying about getting a good grade on a math test or if that boy likes her or not, but not that!"

"She needs to learn to grow up someday. And she won't if you boys baby her like you always do whenever you see her."

"Baby her?" Will yelled, disgusted. "She's a kid. She needs to be babied sometimes. She needs fucking food and a nice home to come home to, not whatever the hell you think this is."

"It hasn't been a home since your mother died."

"Yeah, we gathered that," Jay scoffed. "But you don't have to take it out on her."

"Jay," your small voice said from the doorway into the kitchen. All three men looked over to you, your backpack on your back, a duffle bag slung over your shoulder, and your favorite blanket wadded up in your hands so that you could carry it without it dragging on the ground.

"Ready to go?" Jay asked, his voice immediately softening.

"Uh, yeah," you answered, unsure of how your dad would react.

"What do you mean ready to go?" Pat Halstead asked, standing up from where he had been previously sitting at the table. "She's not going anywhere!"

Will rushed over to you, placing a hand on your shoulder while Jay stalked over to be face to face with your dad. "She is coming with me until further notice. You're lucky I don't arrest your ass for child neglect!"

"You wouldn't do that to your own father!"

Jay pulled the cuffs out of his back pocket. "Oh yeah? Try me."

He sat back down and Jay turned to you. "Here, let me take that." You handed him your duffle bag and followed him and Will outside.

"Jay, I gotta go. I gotta get Dad to Med to get the valve fixed. And, I said one hour out of the hospital tops and it's been two."

Jay closed the truck door once you were safely inside with all your stuff. "Good luck trying to get Dad to go the hospital," he scoffed. "Get going. Don't give Goodwin another reason to fire your stupid ass."

"I'll call an ambulance if I have to." Then, Will smacked Jay upside the head.

"Ow! What was that for?"

"You know what it was for. And, I'm your older brother, it's my job."

"I'm your older brother, it's my job," Jay mocked. "But, in all seriousness, do me a favor and make sure Y/N's all caught up on her immune- immune--"

"Immunizations?" Will laughed.

"Yeah, those."

"I'll do that. And if she's not, I'll give them to her tonight when I come over to your place after my shift is done...which will be in like two hours...depending on how much of a pain in the ass he is to get in the hospital."

Jay nodded, and then got in the truck, both of you making your way to his place.

"I'm gonna go take a shower," Jay said after you had put your stuff down by the couch. "You have homework?"

"Yeah," you looked down, not wanting to even try and struggle through your homework...or have Jay sign the slip that said that you failed your last test.

Jay smiled. "I'll help you with it when I'm out of the shower, okay, kid?"

"How'd you know--"

"That is the universal facial expression of I need help, but I don't know how to ask for it. I'll be ten minutes tops."

And so, you tried to struggle through your homework for ten minutes. But, you ended up working and reworking the stupid algebra problem. Why did math need letters anyway?

"Okay, I'm back," Jay said as he pulled a chair out to sit next to you. "What are you workin' on?"

"Can you sign this first?" you asked, sliding the yellow paper over to him along with the pen. You hoped he'd just sign it blind, but as you saw his eyes skimming the page, you knew that wouldn't happen.

"Did you try your best?" he asked as he slid the piece of paper back to you after signing it.

"What? Yeah, of course, I did."

"Okay, then we'll figure something out. Now, how about we eat some dinner? I've got pizza in the freezer. That okay?"

"That's great," you answered.

Jay got the pizza in the oven while you went and changed into your pajamas. You decided it was in your best interest to have Will help you with your math homework.

***

"Ah! The man of the hour!" Jay exclaimed as he pulled out the pizza and Will entered the house.

You immediately noticed the red bag he was carrying over his shoulder and the two king-sized Twix bars.

"Why do you have your medical bag?" you asked.

"How did you know this was my medical bag?"

"I'm not stupid, Will."

"Okay, so you're all caught up on your shots, but I need to do a blood draw because I need to see if you're deficient in any vitamins and minerals. Have you been eating enough fruits and veggies?" he asked.

"Probably not as much as I should," you admitted. "They're too expensive unless I get the canned kind and I don't like those unless it's canned peaches. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Short Stack. None of this is your fault. You hear me? None of it. I just need to take the blood and then get it sent to the lab to see if you need to get any specific pills to get your vitamin and mineral levels up."

"Okay. Does it hurt?" you asked. You knew what a shot felt like, but you'd never had your blood drawn before, so you didn't know what it felt like to have a needle in your arm for a long time, taking blood. You knew what it felt like to have an IV in from when you passed out at the movie theater, but you didn't know if this needle would be the same size or bigger.

"You just feel a slight pinch at the beginning."

"Like getting a shot?"

"Like getting a shot," he confirmed.

"Hey, I was thinking," Jay started as he reappeared from the kitchen area, "what if we have celery and carrots with ranch for dinner, too? You know, like when we eat chicken wings at restaurants and they bring you some veggies, except we'll have ours with pizza."

"Okay," you agreed. "I like ranch."

"So does everyone in the midwest," Will joked.

"What's the medical bag for?" Jay asked. "She needs shots? And, what's with the Twix bars?"

"No, I'm drawing her blood to see if she's deficient in anything. And, there's one Twix bar for her and one for you because we all know how you feel about needles, Jay."

Jay rolled his eyes. "We doing this before we eat?"

"Yes. And, I need you to answer some questions for me, Y/N. These are strictly doctor protocol questions, okay? You don't need to be embarrassed about any of the answers."

You nodded.

"Okay," Will started, "When did you last eat? Just need to write it down for fasting glucose levels."

"Um, lunch at school, so around noon."

"So, six-hour fast," Will scribbled down on a piece of paper. "Next one, are you sexually active?"

"Will!"

"It's just standard protocol, just in case I need to test for STDs."

"No, I am not. Next question."

"Okay, last one: When was your last period?"

"You've got to be kidding me. I'm not pregnant, I haven't had sex!"

Will chuckled. "It's not for that. Sometimes when people are deficient in vitamins and minerals, they can lose their period for months at a time, signaling that their body isn't healthy. The medical term is amenorrhea." But, what he wanted to say was that when girls are underweight, this can also happen. And, from seeing how baggy your sweatshirt and jeans were on you, he assumed that you'd lost ten pounds since last going to the doctor when you passed out in the movie theater parking lot, making your weight loss a grand total of 25 pounds, which would qualify you as being underweight.

"Oh. I started today."

"Okay, good to know. Any changes in length or heaviness of menstruation?"

"I swear, I'd rather have Natalie or April be asking me these questions," you grumbled. "But, yes, it's a lot lighter and it went from me having my periods for five days to two days. Can we please stop talking about this now?"

"Yeah, we're all done. Sorry about that, but it's protocol."

"Says the guy who's drawing my blood at Jay's apartment instead of in a hospital, where it should be done."

"Hey, I've worked in much worse conditions than this in Sudan. How much water did you drink today?"

"A lot."

"Okay, good." Will started to unzip his medical bag. He passed a Twix bar to Jay. "Here, eat this and focus on it so you don't focus on the needles and then freak out."

Jay rolled his eyes, but took the candy bar and unwrapped it.

"Do I get one?" you asked.

"Once I draw your blood, yes, the other one is for you. Now, right or left arm?"

You held out your left arm and Will moved to the other side of you so he had a better angle. He sanitized his hands and then snapped on a pair of gloves.

"So, what do you do?" you asked. "I've never had my blood drawn before."

"I just tie off your arm so that I can get the veins to show a bit better, wipe down the spot with an antiseptic wipe, stick the needle in, and then wait for the vial to fill up."

"That's it?"

"That's it. Can you make a fist with your left hand for me?"

You did as Will told you and then he tied a band around your bicep and started touching the inside of your elbow, trying to get some veins to show. He furrowed his eyebrows and moved down your arm, rubbing your forearm and then going back up to the crook of your elbow and gently pressing there.

"What's wrong?" you asked.

"You just have really small veins is all. I could take the blood from the big vein in your forearm, but I don't really want to do that one since it's so big. Can you squeeze your fist tighter for me?" You did as he said while he kept pressing on the crook of your elbow. "There we go. Got one. Now, turn and look at Jay while I get the needle ready."

You looked at Jay and tried not to laugh. "You okay?"

"Me? I should be asking you that," he replied. "You're the one who's about to get stabbed with a needle."

"It's just that you got some sweat on your forehead. You look nervous."

"They're needles. They're tiny little sharp metal objects and if one breaks off--"

"Jay, respectfully," Will started, cutting off his brother, "shut the hell up, so you don't scare my patient. You might just want to look away instead of watching me. Then you might feel fine." Then, he turned back to you. "Okay, Y/N, keep looking at Jay. Close your eyes if you want to. You're going to feel a small pinch."

You closed your eyes and took a deep breath. Then, you squeezed your eyes shut tightly and grit your teeth, trying not to yell out as the needle pierced your skin.

"Hard part's done," Will said. You nodded, still keeping your eyes closed.

"That was not a small pinch," you retorted about a minute later.

"Sorry."

You opened your eyes and watched as the blood flowed from your vein into the small tube that was hooked up to the needle.

"I thought you hated blood," Jay pointed out. "And here you are, watching the entire process."

"I'm fine when it's my blood if it's not a huge, deep cut," you explained. "It's other people's blood I don't like."

"Well, that takes any job in the medical field off your career choices," Will said.

You sat there for a few more minutes, waiting for the vial to fill up. Will pressed on your arm, close to the needle, to see if more would come out. "This vein is really small," he said.

You watched as the blood coming into the tube started becoming slower and slower, in what looked to be bubbles.

"Just a little more," Will muttered.

You started taking deeper breaths as you felt sweat start to bead on your forehead.

"Okay, let's see how much this gave me." He pressed his thumb above where the needle was and you turned back to Jay as he removed the needle.

Then, he got the blood into the vial. "Bad news," he started, "I might need to take more. Let's see how much extra there is." He put the extra into another, smaller vial. "Yeah, this one clotted too, so bad news, we need more."

You nodded and closed your eyes, feeling your face get hot and starting to feel lightheaded. You pinched the bridge of your nose, willing this uncomfortable feeling to go away.

"You doing okay?" Will asked.

"Yeah," you answered.

"Okay, I'm gonna do your right arm this time." You held your right arm out to him. "Make a fist for me." You did as he told you and he tied the blue band around your bicep.

But, you were getting even dizzier. "Actually, can I get some water? I feel dizzy."

"Course," Will said. "Jay, can you get her some water and juice if you have any?"

"Apple juice good?"

"That's fine," you answered.

Will untied the band from your bicep. "We're just going to wait a few minutes until you feel less dizzy before I take more blood, okay?"

You nodded and took the water from Jay when he came back.

"Let's have the juice after I finish," Will suggested after a few minutes had passed and you finished the water. "Feeling better, Short Stack?"

"Yeah, let's get this over with." Your forehead was still a bit sweaty, but you were a lot less dizzy.

Will repeated the same process as the last arm and it went a lot faster. Turns out he picked a bit bigger vein in the crook of your elbow of this arm than he did the other one.

"And, we're done," Will said as he capped the vial.

He handed you the juice. "Thanks," you said. "That was not fun."

"I bet. At least you didn't pass out. I've had a few patients do that when I went through my clinicals. That's why normally when someone gets their blood drawn, they sit in this chair where something is flipped down in front of them so they don't fall out of the chair just in case they pass out."

"Jay, do you pass out?" you asked.

He scoffed. "No. I don't even get dizzy. My body doesn't react like that."

"He just breaks out into a sweat whenever he sees needles," Will whispered, loud enough for Jay to hear.

"Hey! I heard that! Take one more jab at me and you won't be getting any pizza, Will. I mean it!"

Will held his hands up in a mock surrender while you finished up your juice. Then, Will started to pack up his medical stuff and Jay brought the pizza and veggies and ranch out, along with plates of course.

You ate your pizza while Will helped you with your math homework. Once you finished two slices of pizza and some celery and ranch, you said that you were done.

"You sure?" Jay asked. "You can have as much as you want."

"I'm good. Gotta save some for tomorrow." Your eyes widened as you realized what you had just said. "I'm gonna go take a shower. It's been a long day."

"Okay, clean towels are in the cabinet in the bathroom where they always are," Jay said, trying not to react to what you had just said even though he knew exactly what you were doing.

You were rationing food.

"Fuck," Jay said as he put his head in his hands when he knew you were in the bathroom and out of earshot.

"What? What did she mean by gotta save some for tomorrow?" Will asked.

"She's rationing it. I used to do it in Afghanistan. Save some of my MRE and put it in my pack to eat the next day if I was on a long trek and we knew we wouldn't get back to base. It would be cold and usually disgusting, but I'd choke it down because it was calories and I needed fuel to be sharp in case we came in contact with combatants."

"Poor kid. At least we had Mom."

Jay nodded. "What happened with Dad at the hospital?"

"Had to have a mitral valve replacement because his wasn't working properly. Told him over and over to get his checked regularly, but he didn't because he's stubborn. He went for the non-surgical option first, but then there were complications, so Rhodes performed surgery. He's fine."

"That's good... I guess." Jay glanced around and he saw your duffle bag sitting outside the bathroom door. You had grabbed your clothes to bring them into the bathroom and left your open duffle bag by the door.

Jay stood up and started walking towards it.

"What are you doing?" Will hissed.

"I need to see if she's got anything else in there that will help prove neglect. I'm assuming it needs to be proved...I only know criminal court cases, don't know much about family court cases."

"What do you mean family court? You're going to fight Dad to be able to take care of her?"

"Yeah, I'll fight to be her legal guardian. Unless you want to do it. My loan went through for a new apartment, which has two bedrooms, so I figured I might be better suited."

"Go ahead. You'd probably have a better chance anyway because you were around more when I was in New York."

Jay nodded and started to dig around your duffle bag. He chuckled and pulled out your Build-A-Bear. "She still sleeps with Beary," he said as he held up the stuffed bear. "Probably doesn't change his clothes anymore because she's too old for that, but he's in pajamas."

"Remember that military uniform you got for her bear? Mom said she barely took Beary out of that because she missed you so much."

"Yeah, and if she wouldn't have dropped him at the airport, I might not have met Mouse."

The two fell into a comfortable silence as he continued to dig through your bag. He got to a big zip-lock bag full of pieces of fabric that were stained light reds and browns.

"Will, c'mere," Jay said, waving him over. Will squatted down next to Jay. "You know what this is?"

Will sighed. "Unfortunately, yes. I saw a lot of this when I worked in Sudan."

"Well, what is it?"

"So, when girls don't have access or money to buy feminine hygiene products, they'll use scraps of fabric and wash them. Looks to me like she cut up some, um, she cut up some underwear and then used them as make-shift pads. If they aren't taken care of properly, she could end up with an infection. And, if she tried to use them as tampons instead of pads, it could lead to TSS, which stands for Toxic Shock Syndrome."

"We're gonna have to talk to her about this now, aren't we?"

"Unfortunately, yeah. She's not gonna be happy you dug through her stuff, so I'll let you explain why you were going through it. And, if she used them as tampons, I want her to get a pelvic exam, just to make sure she didn't get any infections. Much more likely to get an infection from tampons than pads."

Jay nodded. He hated having the current conversation and knew he was going to hate the next one even more, but he knew he had to do these things if he wanted to petition the court for legal guardianship.

Jay picked up your duffle bag and brought it to the living room and he set the zip-lock bag full of pieces of fabric on top.

"I can't believe we missed this," Will said. "I mean, we're both trained in how to spot abuse and we couldn't even spot it in our little sister."

"There weren't outright signs," Jay said. "No bruising, limping, cuts, burns, nothing like that. And, it's winter, it's easy to hide the weight loss. But, I still agree with you. If we would've spotted it earlier, we could've gotten her out of there."

"I'm pretty sure she's officially underweight now."

Jay ran a hand through his hair and then stood back up. "I'm gonna go put clean sheets on my bed. I'll let Y/N take it tonight so that we can keep talking out here when she goes to sleep."

"Good idea."

A few minutes later, Jay was back on the couch next to Will and you walked out of the bathroom, wearing a baggy t-shirt and some sweatpants that you had to keep pulling up because they were too big on you now, and a pair of fuzzy socks. You were cold all the time now and wanted your hoodie out of your duffle and wanted to put your dirty clothes in there, but when you looked down to the spot where you thought you had put it, it wasn't there.

"Guys?" you asked. "Have you seen my bag?"

You walked over to the kitchen table where your blanket was sitting on the chairs and wrapped that around yourself instead.

You furrowed your eyebrows as you saw your brothers on the couch, your duffle bag in front of them on the floor, and on top, your bag of ripped-up, old underwear that you used as pads when you didn't have any.

"You went through my stuff?" you asked, starting to become angry.

"Y/N," Jay started, "I know you're mad and it was me who went through it and not Will, so don't be mad at him, be mad at me. But, I went through it to see if anything was in there that could help me get you out of dad's house. Permanently."

"You- You want to have custody of me?" you asked.

A small smile appeared on Jay's lips and he nodded. "It wouldn't be considered custody because I'm not your biological parent, it would be considered guardianship, but yes, I want you to stay with me. And, my loan went through for a new apartment, so you'd have your own room and everything."

"Okay."

Jay looked at Will, not wanting to be the one to start this conversation. And, he figured Will would be the best one to start it because he was a doctor.

"Y/N, we need to ask you about these." Will motioned to the zip-lock bag on top of your stuff.

You sat in the loveseat across from them and looked down at your feet.

"It's okay, you're not in trouble," Will continued. "We just want to know how you used them in case you need to get a pelvic exam to check for infections in that area."

Your lip began to tremble as tears started to roll down your cheeks. "I used them as pads," you said quietly. "Dad wouldn't buy me any and I stopped getting them from school because I thought they'd suspect something was wrong if I- if I kept taking them."

"One more question," Will said softly. "I just need to know in case we need to take you in for this. I know you said you used them as pads, but did you ever try and use them as tampons?"

"No. I only used them as pads," you whispered. "I was scared to use them as tampons." You looked up at your brothers, who both had tears in their eyes. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," you rushed. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner I was just--" You let out a wail and Jay got up and knelt in front of you.

"Hey, hey, none of this is your fault. Do you hear me? Absolutely none of this is on you. It's all on Dad. Every single bit of it. You are not the one to blame."

You launched yourself into his arms, crying out every emotion you had felt these past few months: anger, frustration, fear, sadness, it was all coming out now.

And, Jay just held you and let you cry it out because that was what your guys' mom used to do for him. And, he knew it worked.

Twenty minutes later, your wails were just quiet whimpers and you pushed yourself back up onto the loveseat, where Will had moved to the spot next to you. He wrapped an arm around you and you leaned into him, craving the comfort that had been denied to you for so long.

"You still have that Twix bar?" you asked.

"All that crying made you hungry, didn't it, Short Stack?" Will asked as Jay got up to retrieve the candy bar from the table.

You nodded.

"Thank you," you said when Jay handed you the Twix bar. You unwrapped it and broke it into the two sticks. "You guys want any?" They both shook their heads: they knew you needed to get as many calories in you as possible.

Jay sighed, he might as well get this hard conversation over with you tonight as well. "Y/N, you can eat as much as you want. I won't say anything about you eating too much, okay?"

You looked up from your candy bar. "You won't call me a burden because I'm eating your food? Like Dad did?"

"He said that?" Will asked, giving Jay a look that read when I see him next, I can't be held accountable for my actions.

"Yeah. One time there were some leftovers he had gotten from a bar and I was so hungry and it was the middle of the night, so I took them out and heated them up. The microwave timer must've woken him up because he came out just as I was about to start eating and then he yelled at me for eating his food and called me a burden."

"Well, we don't think that. Neither Will nor me think that," Jay told you. "And you can eat as much as you want."

You yawned as you crumpled up your Twix wrapper.

"Tired?" Will asked.

"Yeah," you mumbled.

"It's been a long day," Jay said. "You can take my bed."

"Jay, it's your apartment, I can't--"

"Y/N, this isn't up for discussion. I already put clean sheets on the bed for you."

"Is- Is there a fan in your room? I can't sleep without white noise."

"There is. You want me and Will to tuck you in?"

"I'm too old for that." You stood up and Will did, too. "Jay, can you hand me Beary? He should be in my duffle."

"Here you go, kid."

You took your bear and held him loosely in your arm. Then, you enveloped Jay in a hug and did the same for Will.

"I love you guys."

"We love you, too," Will said.

"Now get to sleep. You've still got school in the morning. I'll be here when you wake up."

"Dad sometimes wouldn't be home when I woke up for school. He'd be at a friend's house sleeping off a hangover from the night before or just sleeping."

Jay furrowed his eyebrows. "Doesn't he have to work?"

"He does work, but only a few days a week. The other days, he stays out really late and then comes home either drunk or hungover."

"I see," Jay stated. "Well I won't be doing that, I can promise you that."

"I know. You aren't like Dad. Neither of you are." You yawned again. "I'm going to bed, goodnight."

A few minutes later, you were out like a light and Will was still at Jay's apartment.

"So, Abby called me the other day," Will started. "She's looking for you. Says she's in town for a few days and wants to meet up."

"Oh yeah? She say why?" Jay asked, wondering why his ex-wife--who was the result of a blackout drunk wedding in Vegas, a thing that lasted only 24 hours tops--was in Chicago and was looking for him of all people.

"She said you two are still married."

Jay threw his head back against the couch and closed his eyes. "You have got to be fucking kidding me."

***

"Morning," Jay said as he stood at the stove flipping some eggs. "Sleep good?"

"I slept really good. Didn't even hear you wake up."

"Fan did the trick then?"

You nodded and grabbed a mug from the cupboard and went to start pouring yourself a cup of coffee.

"Nuh-uh," Jay chirped, putting his hand on the handle of the coffee pot as well.

"Why not? I drank it at Dad's."

Jay raised an eyebrow. "You drank coffee at Dad's?"

"Yeah, on the weekends sometimes that would be my breakfast because it curbs my appetite and there wasn't a lot to eat."

Jay sighed. "Well, you'll have enough to eat here, I can promise you that. And, coffee stunts your growth."

"Jay," you groaned. "I haven't grown since sixth grade."

"Okay, well, then you don't want to become dependent on it at such an early age, then. Come talk to me when you're a legal adult or in college."

"Fine." You let go of the coffee pot and put the mug back in the cupboard.

"You can have juice though." The toast in the toaster popped up and Jay placed the toast on a plate and then put a slice of cheese on each piece and then an egg on top. He also put a small bowl of strawberries next to it. "I'm gonna go get dressed while you eat. And then, once you're ready, I'll take you to school."

"Okay, thanks, Jay."

"You're welcome, kiddo."

You rolled your eyes at the nickname and then went to the fridge to get the apple juice. When you opened the fridge, you saw a brown paper bag with your name on it. Curiosity got the best of you, so you took it out and looked at the contents while you ate your breakfast.

Inside was a ham and Colby jack cheese sandwich with lettuce, pickles, mustard, and mayonnaise, an apple, a coconut-flavored Greek yogurt, celery with peanut butter, and a chocolate chip granola bar. There were also two dollars at the bottom of the bag paperclipped together with a sticky note stuck to the top.

For chocolate milk. ~Jay was what the note read.

Tears sprung to your eyes as you continued to eat your breakfast. You don't remember the last time you brought a lunch to school; you'd always get your lunch for free at school. When you got the paper from school about the free/reduced lunch because teachers noticed you didn't have much to eat, you waited until your dad was hungover and it was early in the morning, and handed him a pen and he signed the paper blindly. And, that's how you got lunch and breakfast at school without any cost to you or your dad.

"Hey, I can just brush my teeth at the kitchen sink if you want the bathroom--" He cut himself off when he saw the tears in your eyes. "What's wrong?"

"You- You made me lunch?" you asked as you turned to face him.

He smiled. "Of course I did. I know how bad cafeteria food can be. And, if it tastes good, it's usually not very good for you."

"Thank you," you said as you wiped a tear away that had rolled down your cheek.

"Aww, hey, don't cry, don't cry. It's okay. You're safe now. You don't need to worry about where your next meal will come from. And, I'm going to petition a judge for legal guardianship in a few days. I just have to have a few conversations with some lawyers."

"Does this mean you have to move? I don't want to kick you out of your apartment."

Jay dismissed that with a wave. "I already put in a loan application for a new apartment. Two bedrooms. Really nice."

"Can you tell me about it? While I finish eating my strawberries."

Jay nodded and sat down in the chair across from you. "It's a two-bedroom, washer, dryer. But, I know you don't care about those things. There's underground parking. It's got a gym, a whole club level, with like a coffee lounge, and all this other stuff."

"That sounds really nice."

"Yeah, it is a pretty nice building. Coffee lounge would be perfect for you to get your homework done if you don't feel like staying in the apartment."

"I thought you said I couldn't drink coffee?" you asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I meant the caffeine in the coffee. Decaf coffee and lattes and tea lattes, that's a different story. I'm sure they have pastries there, too."

"Never pegged you for a coffee snob," you joked.

"You learn a lot about coffee and about a person when you have to get your entire unit coffee. I'll let you in on a little secret: Ruzek's coffee order is the most complicated."

"Really?"

"Really. Now, go finish getting ready. Don't want you being late for school."

***

"Hey, Er, can you meet me at the diner we usually go to?" Jay asked his girlfriend over the phone after he had dropped you off at school.

"Yeah, no problem. Give me fifteen minutes. We haven't caught a case yet, but we should keep our radios on just in case. Everything okay?"

"It's a long story. I'll explain everything in person, okay?"

"Okay," Erin answered skeptically. "I'll see you in a few."

Fifteen minutes later on the dot, Erin walked into the little diner and spotted Jay sitting in the corner booth.

"Alright, what's going on?" she asked after she had ordered her food and some coffee. "You sounded really stressed on the phone."

Jay sighed. "I'm going to fight for legal guardianship of Y/N."

"What? Why? What happened?" Erin asked as she widened her eyes.

"Our dad, he uh, he hasn't really been the greatest. Not keeping food in the house, calling her a burden when she tries to eat some of his food, not buying her products for you know...girl stuff. She's probably lost like 25 pounds since the end of last school year. And, I know that doesn't sound like a lot with the amount of time that's passed, but she's underweight. Will drew some of her blood last night to see if she's deficient in some vitamins or minerals."

"My God."

"Yeah, so, I know we were going to move into your place together, but I need another bedroom and my loan went through at that place I told you about, so I'm going to put an offer in there. You could always move in with me if you want, but I don't know if it would be a good idea for that to happen right away. I just want to get Y/N healthy again. I'm sorry."

"Jay, I get it. She's family. Do you know how you're going to go about this? Did you talk to Voight about taking any time off to sort this out?"

"Not yet. But, I think I'm going to call Antonio and see if he can help me out with getting a meeting with ASA Stone. I know he works criminal cases, but he's gotta know some stuff about family court cases. So, I figured he might be able to help me with this whole process."

"Good idea. If you need any help, just say the word and I'll be there."

Jay smiled. "Thanks, Er." He didn't want to have the conversation he was about to have, but he knew he had to tell her. "There's uh, there's one more thing I need to tell you."

"Okay, what is it?"

"About eight years ago, I was married."

"Excuse me, what? You were married and you didn't tell me?"

Jay knew this was a bad idea...which was why he hadn't wanted to tell Erin, but now that he wasn't officially divorced for whatever reason, he knew needed to tell her. "Just let me explain."

"Yes, please do," Erin sneered.

"Her name's Abby. She ran Cultural Support during my last tour in Kandahar. About a year after I came home, I saw her at a funeral in Vegas. Was... was a guy in our unit, he had redeployed, and, um, he didn't... Um, I was, like, blacking out most nights, and we were both pretty shook up. And, um, we got married." He chuckled at the thought of his twenty-one-year-old self thinking that marriage was a good idea. "It was, like, a 24-hour thing, it was a total joke, and it is long over."

Erin just stared at him, as he waited to be chewed out by her. "Jay, you married this girl. And you never told me, and you were never gonna tell me," was all she said.

"I know. And, I'm sorry. But, I'm meeting up with her in a few days to sign the documents that I thought I'd signed because she's getting married and we need to make the divorce official...even though, in my mind, it's been official for eight years.

"Er, please don't hate me, but with everything going on, with me trying to get guardianship of Y/N and me finding out that I'm somehow still married--"

"You want us to take a break?" Erin asked, finishing his sentence for him.

Jay nodded. "I'm sorry. I just don't think I can juggle a relationship with all this other stuff. And, it's not fair to you."

Erin swallowed. "Well, just tell me if you need any help with Y/N. I'll always be there for you. Relationship or partnership, I'll always have your six."

"And I'll always have yours."

Erin's phone buzzed on the table and she picked it up. "It's Voight. We caught a case."

Jay laid some bills on the table. "Then let's go."

***

"Got the results of Y/N's bloodwork back," Will told Jay over the phone while he had a quick break for lunch...even though it was four o'clock in the afternoon. But, that's the thing about the medical field: breaks are never regular.

"And? Any deficiencies?" Jay asked, walking into his bedroom as you were at the table doing homework and he didn't want to distract you.

"Yes, two actually. Iron and riboflavin. The low iron explains why her periods have become shorter and lighter, but that can also be attributed to how small she is now."

"How do we go about this then?"

"I'll send you a list of foods that have levels high iron and riboflavin. Oh, riboflavin's found in vitamin B by the way."

"Okay, care to tell me what iron and riboflavin do? I know iron helps with hemoglobin and red blood cells, but I have no idea what riboflavin does."

"You're right about iron. I'm shocked. Or, what do the kids say these days? I'm shook."

"I swear to God, please never use that phrase again. And, I know what iron does because I paid attention in high school nutrition class, thank you very much."

"If I remember correctly, I helped you with most of the homework in that class."

"Whatever, you helped me. Now, tell me about riboflavin."

"So, riboflavin just helps convert food into energy and is needed for healthy skin, hair, blood, and a healthy brain." Jay could hear a beeping in the background on Will's end. "Gotta go. I'll send you that list of foods right now, though."

"Thanks, man."

You looked up as Jay came back into the kitchen. "Everything okay?" you asked.

Jay pulled out a chair and sat across from you. "So, I just got off the phone with Will. He got the results from your bloodwork back."

"Is it bad? Am I dying?" You set your pencil down, bracing yourself for bad news.

"No," Jay chuckled, "you're not dying. You just don't have enough iron and riboflavin, which is a specific B vitamin. Will sent me a list of foods that have high levels of those in them. You up for some grocery shopping? We can also grab some multivitamins that have those in them, too, just to help your levels stabilize faster."

"Okay, we can go now. I'm due for a break."

***

"So, some foods that contain riboflavin include milk, eggs, cheese, yogurt, meats, green leafy vegetables, and riboflavin enriched grains and cereals," Jay read off his phone.

"I've had a lot of those today already," you pointed out. "Eggs and cheese with breakfast. I had that yogurt for a snack at school, and I had meat and cheese on my sandwich and I had chocolate milk with my lunch at school."

That was just standard, Jay thought. He wondered what you ate when you were at your Dad's. And, he knew that if he wanted to obtain guardianship of you, he'd need to know these things.

"What did you eat at Dad's?" Jay probed.

"I mean, I barely made it to school on time most mornings because I was trying to be quiet so I didn't wake Dad, which made me move slower when getting ready. So, I'd usually just grab a small thing of dry cereal when I got to school and eat it in my first class. I never checked to see if it was one of the enriched ones. I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize. There's no way you could've known. Now, what did you usually have for lunch at school?"

"I always tried to get veggies with my lunch, but most of the veggies were the gross canned ones, like canned corn or green beans. I don't like those. Sometimes, they'd have little salads as a side and I'd get those. Sometimes they'd have yogurt parfaits and I'd get those. But, I'd usually go for the pre-made subs, because at least those would have veggies on them...even if it was just lettuce and pickles. I'd usually try to get an apple or banana as my side, too." You paused. "If I was getting meat and cheese from the sub and milk from my chocolate milk, then how am I deficient in this?"

"It's probably because the meat and cheese schools use is so heavily processed that there are little to no vitamins left in it," Jay answered.

"And you know this how?"

"As you get older, you acquire a lot of knowledge and one of those things is that the more processed a food is, the fewer vitamins and minerals are preserved...and I watch a lot of The Food that Built America on the History channel."

"Oh, okay. What foods are on that show?"

"Usually it's about fast food. One episode I watched last week was about ice cream and popsicles and how they came to be in America. Pretty interesting."

"Can we watch an episode tonight? That show sounds good."

"Of course." He paused in front of the fresh produce. "Take your pick. But, just make sure you get some leafy greens for the riboflavin and some fruit and other green veggies for iron."

You picked up a few things such as more apples, a bag of Clementines, bananas, spinach, carrots, and celery, and then, you shocked your brother as you picked up a bag of kale.

"Kale?" he asked. "Didn't know you liked it."

You shrugged. "I heard it tastes kind of like spinach. And, I saw a recipe on Pinterest for a salad that has kale, lemon juice, and dates. Is it okay if we try that?"

"You know, I think that would be the perfect side for dinner tonight. I'll add lemon juice and dates to the list."

"I didn't grab too many fruits and veggies, right?" you asked, not wanting to waste food or your brother's hard-earned money. "I- I can put some back if you want me to."

"Nope, it's all good. We can always freeze the bananas if they go bad for smoothies or banana bread. And, we can always turn the apples into apple sauce. Spinach and kale freeze well, too and you can't even taste them if we put them in smoothies."

"How do you know this stuff?" you asked.

"I used to watch Mom cook a lot when I was little. And, when I moved out on my own, she gave me a copy of a cookbook she always used. Said the recipes at the beginning of the book were simple enough that I wouldn't burn my apartment down."

You laughed at the thought of your mom scolding Jay if his apartment got ruined from his cooking. "Do you still have it?" you asked. "The cookbook, I mean."

"I do."

"Can we make something out of it tonight?"

"You know, I think that's a great idea." He pursed his lips. "How about Mom's chicken pot pie? I think I have some frozen peas and corn in the freezer and we can use the carrots we just grabbed in it, too."

"That sounds really good. Thank you."

"You don't have to thank me." Jay paused. He figured now would be as good a time as any to tell you. "Uh, do you remember the day that we got ice cream and went and played soccer with Ben when you were little? The night that Mom went into the hospital?"

You nodded, swallowing the lump in your throat at the memory of that day.

"Well, she told me to take care of you. There's no way I would break a promise to Mom."

"She said that?"

"Mhmm."

"It's like she knew something was going to happen."

"Mom was a smart lady. Will had to have gotten it from somewhere and he sure didn't get it from Dad."

You laughed. "Hey, you're smart, too. Just not sciency smart. You're more puzzle smart because you put the pieces together of who committed a crime." Jay laughed at your description of his job. "Oh, is the recipe for Mom's garlic mashed potatoes in that cookbook?"

"It is. Want those as a side along with the salad you mentioned?"

"Yes, please...if it's not a problem."

"They're super simple and quick to make." He scribbled on a piece of notebook paper that he had written down a few groceries on, like the salad ingredients you had mentioned. "Alright, potatoes, a rotisserie chicken, and pastry dough have all been added to the list."

***

"I'll be back later tonight, no later than midnight," Jay told you two days later on Sunday night. "I know it's not ideal because you have school in the morning, but try and get some sleep while I'm gone, okay?"

"I'm used to being home alone at night, Jay." You shrugged. "I'll be fine."

"I know, it's just that not something I want you to get used to. Feel free to eat anything you want, cook anything you want. As long as you don't burn down the house, I don't care what you make. Oh, and remember to take your multivitamin before bed."

You rolled your eyes. "I'm fifteen, not five. Now, get going. Don't want you to be late to meet that lawyer."

"Love you. I'll be back by midnight. Lock the door behind me."

"I will. Love you, too."

With that, Jay left his apartment to go meet with ASA Stone and you locked the door behind him as he told you.

***

"So, Antonio told me you have some custody questions," Peter Stone said once he closed the door of his office.

"That's right," Jay replied as he took a seat in front of Stone's desk and turned his phone completely off and Stone took a seat in his chair behind his desk.

"Didn't know you had a kid, Halstead."

"No, I don't actually," Jay chuckled. "I have a kid sister. Name's Y/N and she's fifteen."

"Okay, and why do you want guardianship then?"

"When me and Will, my older brother, were kids, our dad kinda checked out on parenting us when we hit our mid-teens. But, we had our mom around, so it was okay. I went over there the other day because my dad was having some heart issues and I called Will. When I was there, I got a call of a robbery and it was Y/N. She was stealing food from a corner store because our dad wasn't feeding her," Jay explained.

"I see. So, other than her word and her stealing food, do you have any proof of this?"

"I know I should've called DCFS before letting her stay with me, but I couldn't let her stay there a minute longer, Peter. She's lost like 25 pounds in the past six months and she's deficient in both iron and vitamin B."

"Okay, what we have to do is petition for guardianship in front of a judge. I can help you with the documents and I can even represent you at the hearing if you want."

"Wow, yeah, that'd be great. Thank you."

"Anything else you want to tell me about your dad? Any physical or emotional abuse?"

"Not technically, but there is something else." And then Jay launched into all the information you had told him two days ago.

"Okay. And, you know your dad could theoretically press kidnapping charges against you because you took his kid without his permission?"

"I do. But he was basically starving her. No jury would find me guilty."

"I'm not going to argue with you about that one because I agree with you."

"So, do you think I have a chance of getting guardianship over Y/N?"

"In theory, yes. But, most judges like to keep the child with their biological parents. But, seeing as Y/N's fifteen, she does get some say in who she stays with," Stone explained. "When we have a custody or guardianship battle, we use the child's best interest standard. This means that you must prove that you are capable of providing food, clothing, housing, medical care, and a stable home life for Y/N. There will be one or two home visits before appearing before a judge, just to let you know."

"I'm aware of that. And, I just put an offer in on a new apartment with two bedrooms this morning and they're pretty quick in responding, so I should know in the next few days whether or not I got it."

"That's a good start. And you are financially stable to raise her until she turns eighteen, so three more years?"

"I am."

"Alright, let's start on those documents then. Unless you have any more questions for me?"

"I do actually. I, uh, I just found out that I'm technically still married. Something about me not signing the divorce papers even though I specifically remember signing them? And, before you ask, me and this girl served together, we were both twenty-one, going through rough patches and it was a Vegas wedding eight years ago. Lasted no more than twenty-four hours."

"It's really good that you told me this because any good lawyer would find that out when you file for guardianship. It's possible that she didn't co-sign the divorce papers. If that's the reason, I can help you draw up new divorce papers right now."

"Really? You'd help me with that?"

"Of course. A friend of Antonio's is a friend of mine," Stone said as he started typing on his computer. "So, what you can do is you can file for a no-fault divorce."

"You're gonna have to be specific, Stone. I know a bit of criminal law because I've had to testify in criminal cases, but like I said, I don't know family or civil law," Jay said.

"What a no-fault divorce is, Jay, is that you don't have to prove that either of you did anything wrong to get a divorce. All you have to do is state that your marriage is unsalvageable and continue filing for divorce."

"That's it? What if she doesn't sign it?"

"The divorce papers will be served to, uh...what's this girl's name again?" Stone asked.

"Abby."

"Abby. The divorce papers will be served to Abby and she has twenty days to file her response with the court. If she doesn't, then the court rules it as an uncontested divorce and then you're officially divorced."

"Me and Abby are meeting up to talk about all this tonight. But, can we just fill out paperwork for this no-fault divorce just in case things don't go as planned? I just really need to get guardianship of Y/N. The least amount of problems, the better."

"Of course. And if everything goes well with her tonight, then just give me a call and I'll shred the documents."

"Alright, just tell me where to sign."

***

"Wilson is running through the showers wearing nothing but a Kevlar vest, right?" Jay reminisced on the good parts of his Ranger days with Abby at a bar around 8:30 that night after his meeting with Peter Stone.

"Well, the lieutenant said, all outdoor activities to be conducted in body armor." Jay laughed at Abby's rendition of their lieutenant's voice. "Do you remember, he had his girlfriend's name tattooed on his ass?"

Jay set his empty drink down on the bar. "Did he tell you that was his girlfriend? That was his dog's name," Jay laughed.

"That actually makes more sense," Abby said. "I could go for another one of these."

"I, um, I shouldn't."

"Gotta get back to the barracks?"

"No, I uh gotta get back to my little sister, actually. I'm looking after her at the moment. It's a long story. Do you have the papers?"

"I, uh, I don't have them."

"Abby."

"It's just, I never told you. Even that crazy day we got married, I never told you that I loved you, Jay. It didn't feel right. But, I loved you, Jay. I do love you."

Jay sighed. "Abby, you deserve everything good. I'm just not the guy that's gonna give that to you." He brushed her hair to the side and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

After putting some money on the bar to pay for the drinks and tip the bartender, he left the bar. Guess he was going to need these no-fault divorce documents, anyway.

He was almost to his car when he heard someone calling his name. And, it was a voice he knew all too well.

"Erin?" he shouted as she came closer. "What are you doing here?"

"Would it kill you to turn on your phone? You need to get to the district. Now."

"What? Why? What's wrong?"

She got in his passenger seat. "Just drive. I'll explain on the way."

***

You were sitting on Jay's bed reading a book when you heard a knock on the door.

Slowly, you got off his bed and made your way out of his room. You took a knife out of the knife block, but you hoped you wouldn't need to use it. Jay would've told you if someone was planning on stopping over. And, if it was Will, he would've given you a heads-up.

The knocking got louder and more aggressive. "Jayson! Open this door! I have the right to see my daughter!"

Dad.

With the knife still in hand, you backed up and then, once on the carpet, ran back into Jay's room and quietly shut the door and locked it. You pulled out your phone and tried Jay. It went straight to voicemail. The pounding was getting louder. You tried Will. It went straight to voicemail because he was on shift. You thought you heard your dad starting to kick the door now instead of just pounding on it with his fists. You tried the last person you thought could help.

"Y/N?" Erin asked as she answered her phone and paused the tv show she was watching.

"Erin," you whispered. "I'm scared. I need help."

"You need help? Can you tell me why?"

"My dad, he's- he's here. He's looking for me." You heard a crash.

"Jay? Y/N? I know one of you is in here!"

"I- I think he just broke down the apartment door. Please help."

"Okay, okay, here's what you're going to do. I want you to hide somewhere and I'm going to call a patrol car over there right now. You're going to turn your phone on silent and I'm going to call you right back," she told you.

"Okay," you whispered as quietly as you could.

"I'll call you back in one minute tops."

You moved as quietly as you could with the knife and your phone still in your hands and opened Jay's closet door. You buried yourself behind the two garment bags that contained Jay's police blues and his military dress uniform, hoping against hope that your dad wouldn't find you.

Your phone lit up and it was Erin. You answered.

"Y/N, the officers will be there soon. I don't want you to talk. Just know that I'm on the phone with you."

At the same time, as she was talking to you over speakerphone, she was texting the team. She assumed you couldn't reach Jay or Will since you had called her. She told them what was happening and that a few of them needed to get to the district because they needed to find Jay's location. She also told Voight to get ahold of Sharon Goodwin so she could notify Will of what was currently happening.

"Chicago PD! Put your hands where we can see them!" you heard from your hiding place.

"See?" Erin said. "I told you that you'd be okay. I told them that you were hiding, so if someone opens the door, it's just an officer."

Just after she said that the closet door opened.

You squeaked.

"It's okay. You're safe," the officer said. "We're just going to take you down to the district. You're safe."

You peeked out from your hiding place and you saw the blues of the officers. You slowly made your way out and followed the officer out to the patrol car, the one that didn't house your dad for a breaking and entering charge at the moment.

***

"Where is she?" Jay yelled as he entered the district.

Platt just pointed to the bench next to one of the offices where you were sitting, staring at the floor, with a police jacket draped over your shoulders.

He sunk to his knees in front of you. "Are you hurt? Did Dad hurt you? Did he put his hands on you in any way?"

You shook your head.

"Oh thank God."

"I was so scared," you whispered. "When you and Will didn't answer, I thought he was gonna get me."

"I'm sorry. I turned off my phone when I talked to ASA Stone, and I forgot to turn it back on. I'm so sorry. C'mere."

You all but fell off the bench and into Jay's arms. "Is he going to jail? I don't want him going to jail."

"He was drunk out of his mind. I can ask not to press charges, though."

"Please. He needs help."

Although Jay didn't say it, he knew you were right. Jails and prisons didn't rehabilitate, they just taught criminals how to be better criminals. He knew that his dad needed rehab, a twelve-step program, anything.

"Okay, I won't press charges. But, I think we're gonna need to stay with Will for the night because our door's broken. What do you say we run home and grab some clothes to bring to Will's? And, since Dad will be here for a little longer, we can run to his house and get more of your stuff. Sound like a plan?"

"Can we get Dairy Queen on the way to Will's?"

"We sure can."

***

"I- I don't think any of these dresses will fit me anymore. They look way too big," you said to Jay as the two of you unpacked a bunch of your stuff in the guest room of Jay's new apartment. You wanted to think of it as the guest room for now instead of calling it your room just in case Jay wasn't awarded guardianship. You didn't want to get too attached.

Jay sighed. He figured you were right. He would see if Erin could take you, but their relationship was on the backburner right now. And, Erin had some stuff with Bunny she had to work out after she had brought her that pearl bracelet and said that she might be leaving Chicago. So, now wasn't really the right time for him to be bugging Erin about going shopping with you. And, he couldn't ask Kim because she was taking some furlough after finding her sister brutally sodomized after a night out.

He thought about asking Will if Nina could come, but he didn't think that those two were too happy with each other at the moment since Will hadn't told Nina about their dad being in the hospital and she had to find out from Natalie. Not Will's greatest moment.

He racked his brain for more women he knew.

Then it hit him: Gabby.

Yes, they had briefly dated, but that was five years ago. She was married now and his feelings for her were completely gone. They were civil with each other when they saw each other in the field and would chat when Gabby showed up at the district to pick up Eva or Diego.

"How about you try a few on after we finish unpacking, and then if none of them really fit, I can give Gabby a call and see if she'll take you shopping while I work on unpacking the rest of the house," Jay suggested.

"Okay. Will's gonna be over after his shift to help though, right?" you asked.

"He better be. He said he would. If he doesn't come, he better have a really good excuse."

"You can't unpack the kitchen without me," you told him.

"Why not?"

"I can't have you putting the glasses and other stuff on high shelves because I wanna reach them without having to climb on the counter."

"Okay, fine. I'll keep your short little height in mind while I unpack." He paused. "Do you want to get those fancy word stickers for your room for one of the walls?"

"Decals? And, it's not my room yet."

"Listen, after that stunt Dad pulled at my old apartment, Stone is 99.9% positive that I'll be granted guardianship. We just have to jump through all the hoops first."

"Like the home checks?"

"Like the home checks," he confirmed.

"What do I say in court?" you asked a few minutes later as you were putting the pillows on your freshly made bed.

"You just tell the truth," he answered.

"Will you be in there with me?"

"No, I won't. Stone said that usually in these cases you talk to the judge by yourself so that you can't be intimidated by either of the people who are fighting for custody or guardianship."

"So you won't be there? Will won't be there?"

"Will will be out in the hall and I will be in a different room. I'll be in like a witness room, where they make witnesses of a crime wait so that their testimony isn't swayed by what the other people are saying on the stand. But, me and Dad will be in the courtroom at the same time, just so I can see what he'll be saying."

"And, I'll be in there then, too?"

"Yes."

"What kind of questions do they ask me?"

"Stone said that since you're older, you get a say in who you stay with, so they'll ask you questions like who've you known the longest, who you feel safest with, who you want to live with, etc."

"Will they ask me questions about Dad? Like how he didn't give me food and how he broke into your apartment?" you asked.

"They will," Jay confirmed. "But, Stone will be in there for those questions just in case he needs to object to something."

"So the only time I'll be alone with the judge is when they're asking me the first few questions? Like who I feel safest with?"

"Exactly. Now, do you need help putting these books on the top shelf of your bookshelf?"

***

"Hey, how was your day?" Jay asked as he came home from work that afternoon. It was a shock that he was home by 5 pm, but you had a big day tomorrow. Not only was tomorrow Friday, it was the day you and Jay had to go to court to see if he would be awarded guardianship of you.

"We've got a problem," you stated.

"Um, I can try to help you with it, but let me go put my gun away first."

While he was doing that, you pulled out the slip of paper and the note that Gretchen Cunningham had written, saying that she wouldn't allow you to make up the test you would be missing because you had to go to court.

"Alright, what's the problem?" Jay asked as he walked into the kitchen.

"Cunningham. She's the problem...as always."

You handed him the papers and he read them over. "Yeah, this isn't going to fly. She doesn't need a judge's signature to allow you to take the test. I'll talk to the school tomorrow morning when I call to tell them you'll be absent."

"I hate her," you groaned. "She's so mean. And, I know what you're gonna say. You have to deal with people you don't like. But, she lost one of my assignments and told me I didn't turn it in and couldn't re-do it!"

"Well did you?" Jay asked. "Turn it in, I mean."

"Jay!"

He put his hands up in a sign of surrender. "I'm just saying, could be your fault."

"Yes, I turned in the stupid assignment. And, she paired me up with the stupidest kid in the class and told me to do well on this assignment because he needed a good grade to pass. It's not my fault he's failing! Don't put his grade on me, lady!"

"And she wouldn't let you re-do it?"

"Nope. But it's fine. I'm still getting an A. That might change if she doesn't let me take this test, though."

"It's like deja-vu from my freshman year all over again. Why doesn't she retire already? She's like 100."

"Or they could fire her," you quipped. "Or I could switch classes."

"I'll see what I can do. Who's the other history teacher?"

"Um, Miss Hedge."

"Hedge? As in Jayne Hedge?"

"Yeah, it's actually her. Why? Do you know her?"

"Yes he does," Will said as he entered Jay's apartment. "In fact, they went to freshman snowcoming together."

"How did you even get in here?" Jay asked, turning around to look at his older brother.

"For a cop, you're not that smart. You didn't lock the door behind you."

"I don't lock my door when I'm still awake. And, seriously? You just had to tell Y/N that, didn't you?"

"You guys can't just leave me hanging now. Tell me the story!"

"Fine," Jay grumbled and Will just laughed and sat down at the table, too. "I met her at school, obviously. She was on the freshman basketball team and I had winter weight training for the soccer team. I thought she was pretty and she was really smart, too. And, I knew that a bunch of the girls went to get Taco Bell after practice, so me and some of my friends decided to go, too."

"There used to be a Taco Bell close to school?" you asked. If there was, you'd never seen it before.

"It got torn down just after I graduated," Jay answered. "Anyway, we went to Taco Bell and I started talking to her and we talked a lot after practice. I'd walk her home sometimes. Then, I asked her to snowcoming and she said yes."

"So, why'd you guys break up? I know you dated Allie in high school."

"We realized we were better off as friends." Jay shrugged.

"And he realized he liked Allie more," Will added.

"Yeah, that too."

Will set a big bag of takeout on the table.

"Seriously?" Jay asked. "I thought we weren't going to do this that much anymore so we can get Y/N's vitamin and mineral levels stabilized."

"I'm sure she'd appreciate the break from your mundane meals," Will said. "And, I got us all side salads to go with the burgers instead of fries, so calm down." Jay gave him a look. "Fine, I got the side salads along with the fries. But, they're made out of potatoes, so they're technically a vegetable."

"For a doctor, you don't know much about nutrition, do you? And, my meals are not mundane."

"Dude, you'd have chicken, spaghetti, or grilled cheese every night."

"Not every night, just a lot of nights when I'd get home from the district late. I'll have you know me and Y/N have been making really good diners lately. Wanna tell Will what we made last night for dinner, Short Stack?"

"We made this really good pasta. We used Orzo, which looks like rice, but it's pasta. And we made a sauce out of tomatoes, onions, and orange juice. It was supposed to be lemon juice, but Jay didn't have any. We put chicken sausage in it for protein...and spices of course," you told Will.

"That actually sounds really good. Wow, Jay cooking every night, not something I expected."

"I like it," you said. "And, he lets me play whatever music I want when we cook."

Will rolled his eyes. You had Jay so wrapped around your finger that he'd do almost anything for you. Will didn't think he himself was that bad, but deep down, he knew he'd do anything for you, too...despite not being in Chicago as long as Jay had been.

***

"So I got a call from Stone this morning," Jay said around 11:30 that night when he and Will were sitting on the couch, each nursing a beer.

Will set his beer down on the coffee table in front of him. "And?"

"And, as of yesterday at midnight, I am officially divorced from Abby. Turns out, they served her the papers and, since she didn't sign them and it had been twenty days, it turned into an uncontested, no-fault divorce."

"Congrats, man. Might've been eight years too late, but you're a free man now."

"Amen to that. And it came at just the right time."

"Yeah," Will agreed. "You nervous for tomorrow?"

"Not really. More nervous for Y/N than anything. I've testified in criminal cases, so I kinda know how this goes, but she hasn't. And, before me and Dad go in to plead our cases, she has to talk to the judge all by herself. I just wish one of us could be in there with her."

Will nodded. "Know what they're going to ask you?"

"I know what Stone's going to ask me because we prepped, but I have no idea what Dad's lawyer is going to ask me. Pretty sure he's got just a public defender, though. Hopefully, that works in my favor."

"Not always, man," Will disagreed. "The public defenders who do these cases only do these cases. They've had a lot of practice."

"You really know how to make me feel better, thanks," Jay replied sarcastically.

"Rather have you hear it from me before the case than someone else after. Are you going to get cross-examined?"

"Probably. Don't know what they're going to ask me though because it's a cross. Stone set up some sample questions for me to answer with him to practice, but I'm going in blind. I'm used to it though because I've testified before. But, this feels like my biggest case."

"Because it probably is."

"Are you talking about tomorrow?" you asked as you quietly padded across the floor towards the living room.

"Y/N? What are you doing up? It's almost midnight," Jay pointed out.

"I- I know. But I couldn't sleep. I'm scared. What if I have to go back to Dad's? What if they find neither of you fit and I have to go into foster care?"

Jay patted the empty spot on the couch next to him and you sat down. "We just have to trust the system. That's all we can do."

"I know, but I can't sleep. And I'm so tired."

"I have an idea," Jay started and stood up, "stay here."

"I'm gonna go look for some melatonin," Will said after a few minutes of you two just sitting in silence. "I think Jay still has some for nights that he can't sleep."

Will was still rummaging around Jay's cabinets when Jay came back with a big black box with some cords and a cardboard box balanced against his hip.

"The hell is that?" You quickly covered your mouth when you realized you had sworn. "Sorry."

"It's okay. And, to answer your question, this is VCR. And, I have a bunch of videotapes in this box." He turned from you to face the kitchen, where Will was still opening and closing cabinets. "Will? What are you doing?"

"Looking for melatonin for Y/N. You got any?"

"First of all, it's so late that if you give it to her now, she'll sleep through her alarm and we can't be late for court tomorrow. And, second of all, I keep it in the medicine cabinet in my bathroom."

Will closed the cabinet and made his way back to the couch to sit next to you as Jay started to hook up the VCR to the tv. "Uh, Jay," Will began, "you know it's a little late for a movie right? And, I should get going in like half an hour?"

"We're not watching a movie. I recorded a bunch of the Blackhawks playoff games on one of these and I thought Y/N'd like to watch the 2010 Stanely Cup final series against the Flyers. Or, we could watch the final series against the Bruins when they won the cup last year."

"Let's watch the 2010 one," you said. "I don't think I watched it because I wasn't into watching hockey as much as I am now."

"And you have Jay to thank for that," Will pointed out.

"You can record things on there? Like an old-school DVR?" you asked.

"God, now I feel old," Will groaned. "Wait until she learns about floppy disks."

"Floppy what now?"

"Nevermind. Only 80s-90s kids would get it."

"We get it. You guys are millennials."

"Got it!" Jay exclaimed as he popped the videotape into the VCR and it started playing. "Now, shut up so we can relive this, Will."

You fell asleep before you even reached the end of the first period.

***

You rubbed your eyes and then looked around you to notice that you were still on the couch. You craned your neck to see the time on the oven on the other side of the open concept kitchen and living room and saw that it was 5:45 am. Jay was at the gym now. And, you knew you wouldn't be able to fall back asleep because you were already starting to worry about the rest of the day. You had to be in court at 8:30 and had to be talking to a judge at 9:00, the judge that would determine who you would be living with, which would inevitably determine your future.

God, you were thinking just like the teachers talked about the SATs, how if you didn't get a good grade on that standardized test that your future would be ruined.

You stood up and stretched and then went back to your room to grab the book you were currently reading. Then, you turned on a few lamps and grabbed a yogurt and fruit from the fridge, along with a glass of orange juice. After wrapping yourself in a blanket, you started to eat and read, hoping that that would keep your mind from wandering and worrying at least until Jay got back from the gym.

Half an hour later, Jay unlocked the apartment door and walked inside, confused as to why you were awake. It was only 6:15 and he had told you just to be up by 6:45.

"What are you doing awake, Short Stack?" he asked as he grabbed a banana from the bowl on the counter.

"I woke up at about 5:45 and I couldn't fall asleep. I'm sorry."

"Nothing to worry about. I just want you as well-rested for today as possible. You have your dress all ready? Know what shoes you're going to wear?"

"Jay," you whined. "I picked all of that out last night because you told me to."

"Just didn't want you to have to rush. I can turn the game back on for you so you can watch it until you have to start getting ready?"

You nodded and Jay came over and fiddled with the tv and the remote, going back to the middle of the first period where he thought you had fallen asleep.

"Okay, I'm gonna take a shower. Will said he'll be here around 7:45. Oh, and you can take that history test when you get back on Monday, in Miss Hedge's class."

You smiled. "Okay." Then, you turned your attention back to the hockey game.

***

You widened your eyes as you stood in the second bathroom getting ready. You had gotten dressed (into a navy blue, lacey dress that ended just above the knee that you had bought with Gabby a few days ago), washed your face, brushed your teeth, did your makeup, but now you were cursing yourself for being so stupid. You had no way of doing your hair. You didn't have a straightener here. And, your typical ponytail or bun wasn't going to cut it for court.

"Jay!" you yelled as you exited the bathroom and knocked on his bedroom door.

He opened it as he was tying his tie. "Yeah? Everything okay?"

"I don't have a straightener! I can't do my hair and if I wear my hair like I usually do then it will look bad on you and--"

"Hey, hey, calm down. We've still got over 45 minutes before we have to leave. I'll give Gabby a call and see if she's not on shift and can let you borrow hers."

You sighed the biggest sigh of relief. "Thank you."

Five minutes later, Jay knocked on the bathroom door as you were brushing your hair. "Gabby will be here in ten."

"Oh thank God."

***

"Thank you!" you exclaimed ten minutes later as you opened the door, revealing Gabby with her hair straightener. And, behind her, was Casey.

"No problem. Just tell me if you're not used to it and need help."

You took it from her. "No, I should be good. Thanks, though. C'mon in. I'm pretty sure Jay's around here somewhere."

They came into the apartment while you ran off to find Jay.

You knocked on his bedroom once more and he opened it, this time completely ready for the day. "Gabby and Casey are here," you told him.

"Casey's here?" he asked, furrowing his eyebrows.

"Yeah. I think he just came with Gabby."

"Okay. Go fix your hair. I'll go talk to them."

Twenty minutes later, you were finished and slipping your shoes on when you heard a knock on the apartment door. "I got it, Y/N!" Jay yelled.

Well, I hoped you would because you're closer to the door than me, you thought to yourself.

Jay opened the door, and since it was exactly 7:45, he was expecting to just see Will. But, what he saw both shocked him and made him want to cry from appreciation at the same time.

Standing next to Will was Natalie and behind them was all of Intelligence and Trudy Platt and Mouch, all of Squad 3 and Truck 81 (minus Casey because he was inside), Sylvie Brett, Chief Boden, April, Maggie, Dr. Rhodes, Dr. Charles, Reese, and Noah.

"You're all here for the court case?" Jay asked, stunned.

"Well, Natalie has to testify about Y/N's deficiencies and weight loss, but yeah. It's better if the court sees that the person trying to get guardianship has a ton of support. So, I figured I'd call in reinforcements...even though I'm pretty sure my big personality is enough."

Jay rolled his eyes. "Your big ego maybe." He paused, not knowing how he was going to fit everyone in his apartment even if it was bigger than his last one. "However many of you guys can fit inside, can come in. Um, some of you might just need to meet us at the courthouse--"

"Jay, they just came now so you could see how many people were behind you. They're just gonna meet you there. Except for me. I'm driving you two." Jay furrowed his eyebrows. They didn't talk about this. "I'll explain later."

"Gabby," you said as you walked out of the bathroom. "Can you--" you stopped as you saw everyone outside Jay's apartment.

"They're all here for you and Jay," Gabby explained as she stood up. "And, you can't cry because it'll smear your makeup, so hold back the tears."

You nodded as you held them back. "Can you, uh, check the back of my hair to make sure I got it all straight?" you asked.

"Two spots are still a bit wavy. Let's go fix it so you can get going."

A few minutes later, Gabby had fixed your hair and everyone besides Will and Jay had left and were on their way to the courthouse. You slipped on a pair of black ballet flats and your coat.

Will had explained that the reason he was driving was that if Jay didn't get guardianship, he didn't want him driving in such a distressed state. Will had worked on so many patients who were in car accidents due to their emotional state and he didn't want Jay to be one of them.

"Ready?" Jay asked you.

"As ready as I'll ever be," you said as you wiped your sweaty palms on your dress.

"All you have to do is tell the truth."

***

You thought you'd be comfortable inside a courtroom because of the crime dramas you'd seen. But, standing inside one was very different from watching a fictional tv show.

No one but you, the judge, the court reporter, Peter Stone, and your dad's lawyer could be in the room for this next part, so everyone was either in a witness room or waiting outside in the hallway for the go-ahead to be let in. You would be allowed to be in the courtroom while they were talking to Jay and your dad, but they wouldn't be able to be in the room when you talked to the judge...for obvious reasons, such as influencing what you would say.

"All rise."

You stood up next to Stone as the judge, who you now knew as Judge Callahan, entered the room.

Once you sat down, you were called to the stand. "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?" you were asked as you placed your hand on the Bible.

"I do," you answered.

"Alright, please allow Miss Halstead on the witness stand," Judge Callahan said. "Now, I'm just going to ask you a few questions. All you have to do is answer them. Do you understand?"

"Yes, I understand."

"Okay, first question: Has your father, Pat Halstead, ever hit you or physically abused you in any way?"

"No," you answered.

"Has he ever neglected to give you necessities, such as food, water, clothing, or shelter?"

"Yes."

"Can you please elaborate?"

You did. You explained how your dad never had food in the house and would yell at you and call you a burden if you tried to eat his leftovers.

"Is it true that your father tried to break into your brother's house to get you?" Judge Callahan asked.

"Yes."

"Who do you feel safest with?"

"My brother, Jay Halstead."

"Who would you prefer to live with?"

"Jay Halstead."

***

Jay sat on the witness stand. He had answered all of Stone's questions, including all of the questions about him finding you stealing, what you had been using for pads, and what he had been told that you had been eating at your dad's house. Natalie had testified about your physical well-being, weight loss, and iron and riboflavin deficiencies. But now, it was time for Jay's cross-examination. And, he sure as hell didn't expect this next question to be asked.

"Mr. Halstead," your dad's lawyer began, "you previously said, and I quote, that your dad clocked out on parenting you and your older brother, Will, when you were in your teens, around when you started high school. Can you elaborate on that?"

"Objection!" Stone yelled. "Relevance?"

"Speaks to a pattern."

"I'll allow it," Judge Callahan said. "Please answer the question, Mr. Halstead."

Jay nodded. "He clocked out on parenting me and Will because he said that were essentially grown men at this point in our lives, we didn't need him cheering us on or him helping us. He didn't come to a single one of my soccer games in high school. And, if by some miracle we went out for ice cream or something just me, my brother, and my dad, he wouldn't pay for ours. Said we were old enough to pay for ourselves.

"But, we had our mom. She came to all our games and school events. She made us breakfast, lunch, and dinner. If she wasn't there, I don't know what would've happened to me and Will. My dad didn't even want me to go into the military and didn't want Will to go to medical school. He said a real man went right to work. The only time I felt loved by him in all my teenage years was when I left for the military. It was like because he knew I might die over there that he figured he'd say he loved me one last time."

"Redirect, your honor," Stone said. Judge Callahan nodded at Stone. "You said that your mom made you and your brother lunch. Are you doing that for Y/N?"

"Objection! Relevance?"

"Speaks to Mr. Halstead's abilities as a parent."

"I'll allow it. Please answer the question."

"I actually do," Jay answered. "I make her a packed lunch to bring to school every day and I'm sure to add foods high in iron and riboflavin to help those levels stabilize quicker. The first time I packed her a lunch, she actually cried because she hadn't gotten a lunch from home in so long."

"Thank you."

"Mr. Halstead," your dad's lawyer started, "you were previously deployed overseas in Afghanistan for two tours of duty. While I thank you for your service, is it possible that you could have PTSD and hurt Y/N in the middle of the night?"

"I would never hurt her!"

"While you are fully conscious, maybe. But, while you are in a sleep-addled state, isn't it possible that you might think that the person waking you up is an enemy soldier and not your little sister?"

Jay sighed. No one knew this about him, not you, not Will, not his dad. No one. And now all of his family and closest friends were going to know since they were in the courtroom watching this entire thing unfold.

"I am on Prazosin for nightmares caused by my PTSD," Jay answered.

"And how long have you been on this medication?"

"For about two years."

"And this has helped you manage your nightmares?"

"Yes, very much so."

"No further questions."

***

"Jesus, Jay," Will said after you had watched your dad's testimony on why he should get to keep you. It was the usual: how he was your father, so, therefore, he deserved to keep taking care of you and it's what your mother would've wanted...despite her telling Jay to keep you safe before she died. They already had the responding officers testify about the break-in, so he couldn't deny that and he was under oath, so if anyone found out he lied, then your dad would be held in contempt.

"I'm sorry I never told you, man," Jay said. "I just, I thought of it as weak that I couldn't deal with my own shit." He grimaced when he realized he had sworn around you. "Sorry, Y/N."

"It's okay. I hear that stuff at school."

"I'm just upset you didn't tell me they were getting that bad, Jay," Will lamented. "I know I wasn't there for you a lot after Mom died, but I'm here now."

Jay nodded, and Will knew he didn't want to talk about the topic anymore. You looked through the little window into the courtroom and saw that the judge was coming back from her chambers.

"Guys, I think she's made a decision," you said nervously.

"Whatever happens, me and Jay will be there for you," Will promised.

All you could do at this point was nod, as a lump was forming in your throat from all your nerves.

Jay led you back into the courtroom and you sat at the front, between Jay and Will. You wiped your sweaty palms on your dress and Jay gave your shoulder a reassuring squeeze.

Judge Callahan stood up.

"By using the child's best interest standard of who can provide food, clothing, housing, education, medical care, and a stable home life for Y/N Halstead, I declare Mr. Jay Halstead the legal guardian of Y/N Halstead."

You could've sworn that you stopped breathing the second she said Jay's first name. You were so overwhelmed that you just turned to him and started crying as he wrapped an arm around you while he listened to the judge state your dad's visitation rights.

But, you didn't hear any of that. The only phrase that kept repeating in your head was I declare Mr. Jay Halstead the legal guardian of Y/N Halstead over and over again.

Now, you knew that you'd always have the necessities when you lived with Jay. You wouldn't have to worry about where your next meal was going to come from or if your dad would be out until 3 am drinking. You wouldn't have to worry about having access to tampons or pads and not be embarrassed anymore to ask for some from school if you forgot to put any in your backpack that day. But most of all, you knew that you would be loved and cared for.

A/N: Thank you so much for reading! Did I make anyone cry with this one??? The blood draw scenario was actually based on when I had to go and get my blood drawn the other day and thought I was going to pass out, which is why that scene was so long. Anyway, thank you again for reading, and please reblog/like and comment and tell me what you think! As always, if you want to be added to my taglist, just tell me and I’ll add you!

taglist: @theambracer88 @virtualreader @kelelas-life @celyndavies @brookerz122493 @musicismyescape27 @anotherfan07 @thexplosivegirl @dreamingwithlens @xoxmariaxox @onechicago18 @iamasimpingh0e

[readingat3amisnormal]

The heat was stifling, rough sand streaking across the dunes. Whirlwinds whorled in the distance, roving across the alien landscape. Against the mayhem of the pre-dawn desert, a man stood still and silent.

His hair, shaggy and unkempt from the long trek, billowed in the dry desert wind, as did his bell-bottom trousers and chic white jacket. Absently, his fingers began snapping. He whispered subconsciously, “a-dooba-doobie…”

As the sun finally broke the horizon, Elvis Presley was cowed into silence.

He stood at the peak of a sand dune, staring out at the gaping maw of the Sahara. Endless dunes, stretching as far as the eyes could see. This was it- the real deal.

The edge of his mouth curled into his characteristic smirk.

“Come now, Nenet!” he called gleefully. “We’re almost there!”

Nenet, a sprightly, athletic young woman who did not currently look it, crested the dune and collapsed onto the sand. She’d been guiding tourists across the Sahara for the better part of five years, and none had been quite as… ambitious as this strange, strange man.

Rather than go to any of the usual tourist destinations, he was insistent on travelling off the beaten path- and dragging her with him. She made sure that they were never more than half a day’s walk away from civilization at any time, though that was becoming increasingly difficult as they progressed further into the desert.

“What’s the plan for today?” she panted, placing her hands on her knees under the weight of their luggage.

“Well, sweetheart, we’re almost at where I wanna be!” he glanced down at the compass clutched in his hand. “That-a-ways!”

His white cowbody boots jived along the sand, a fine sheen of sweat clinging to him like so many overenthusiastic fans. The dust had been quite annoying the first couple of days, but he was used to it by now.

And hey, it was better than what he’d left behind.

He’d loved it once- the fame, the fortune, the drama. But lately… the magic had faded. He’d lost his drive.

Until one fateful day…

He strummed lazily on his guitar, staring off into the distance. His thumb caught on the D string with a painful twang that echoed all around the bustling city square. It was out of tune, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

So many people, going about their day. Some of them looked up at him, most didn’t. They’d grown used to him by now. He disliked it.

“Mr Presley, act your age and get down from there!”

He glanced down at the balding city official that was calling to him, and in a moment of fear touched the top of his head.

“Oh thank goodness…” he removed his fingers from his luscious curls, then went back to strumming. “You ain’t nuthin’ but a…”

“Mr Presley, you will get down from that lion this instant!” the official stamped his foot to punctuate his point.

Elvis groaned miserably. “Awwww…”

As the official tapped his foot against the ground, Elvis dropped down from the lion. The guitar was rudely snatched away, and he was instructed to go wait in the library until his lawyers arrived.

Ah, shoot.

He grooved miserably through the gilded doors and into the lobby, sincerely disappointed that this so-called ‘grand institution’ couldn’t even afford a concierge.

“Stupid government workers…” he muttered under his breath. Like clockwork, a receptionist raised a finger to their lips.

He growled in frustration and stomped over to one of the desks. Books of various shapes, sizes and colours were strewn across it, but one drew his eye- a gilded tome, with a strange cat-person doing a pose on the front.

He reached for it before he caught himself- he wasn’t some nerd! He was a rock ‘n roll cool kid! The only reason he was even in the library was to wait until the city official left the lion statue unsupervised.

Resolute, he turned his nose up and looked away.

Although…

With trepidation, as though he were defusing a bomb, he flipped the book open with one finger. It opened to a page with intricate illustrations and an unfairly fascinating title- The Search for Tutankhamun’s Tomb.

Well, one book couldn’t hurt. He reasoned.

Four hours later, with the sun going down and his next show in fifteen minutes, he stood before one of the receptionists with the book in hand.

“Now I ain’t got no bread on me right this second, miss.” He shuffled nervously. “Spent it all on some candy from this store a couple blocks down…”

“That’s alright, dearie!” She croaked, hand trembling as she accepted the book. “Why, you don’t need to pay for books at the library! You just need a library card, and I can get that for you just now! What’d you say your name was, young man?”

He jumped through all the hoops gracefully, accepted the card, the book, and a little golden star he’d gotten for being a good boy, and headed off with a smile on his face and nary a care in the world.

From there, it had been a simple matter of devouring every book on Egypt and Egyptology he could get his hands on. He’d gotten a new personal idol- Gertrude Bell- a new purpose- find Tutankhamun’s Tomb (or any tomb, for that matter)- and a new drive. He’d kept the white coat and bell-bottomed trousers, although he’d swapped out the guitar for a khaki hat.

Nothing would stop him now. Not even his dwindling finances, though the riches he would definitely find would help him along.

His experience in the field had been entirely academic until he’d bit the bullet, travelled out to Cairo, and hired Nenet to act as his guide and translator. She’d kept him sane when hunch after hunch had proven to be incorrect and had gotten them out of some sticky situations.

Now, three weeks into what was shaping up to be the greatest adventure of his lifetime, they were so close he could taste it.

“Mr. Elvis,” Nenet said, straining under the weight of their pack. “It is of course unwise to lick the walls of an ancient ruin.”

Elvis pulled away from the wall, smacking his lips. “Well, it isn’t bone, that’s for sure.”

“It’s sandstone, Mr. Elvis. I could’ve told you that.”

“Ah, but I’ve now learned it, Nenet! Groovy!”

Despite the weight on her shoulders, Nenet shrugged. “Whatever.”

After a couple more taste tests they ended up in a cul-de-sac of sorts. Walls rose around them, and stairs led down to an intimidating looking door.

With some trepidation, Nenet followed Elvis down the stairs. He stared at the door for a good half-minute, then snapped his fingers.

“I will have no locked cupboards in my life!” he proclaimed. “Gertrude Bell, unsourced.”

Nenet leaned against the wall to take some of the weight off her back. Unbeknownst to her, the pressure of her shoulder against one of the tiles caused a centuries-old mechanism to spring into action. Gears grinded, pulleys pulled, and the end result of this mechanical medley was that the door opened just as Elvis touched the tip of his tongue to it.

He paused, staring into the darkness. The air was cool but dusty, and smelled vaguely of death.

He turned back to Nenet with a smug smile on his face. “C’mon, snake, let’s rattle!”

And with that, he pranced joyfully into the underworld.

~

Nifty…

Elvis tapped a specialised tool against the hieroglyphics on the wall. They were mostly your standard fare- “death awaits those cretins who enter”, “do not desecrate this hallowed ground, wretched mortal”, “remember to feed the cats, honey, I know you always forget XO”- but this one was different.

“Don’t… dead… open… inside.” He read off. “Hmmm…”

He considered it, ignoring Nenet’s grunts as she tried to pull their bags through a narrow doorway.

“So,” he reasoned, “don’t die, and open whatever’s inside this door? Perfect!”

He pushed the door open and ran through, close to giggling with delight. Oh, this was so much fun! He really was an explorer!

“It's so nice to be a spoke in the wheel, one that helps to turn, not one that hinders!” he called out to Nenet. “Gertrude Bell, From the Mountains to the Sea!”

As his voice faded into the distance, Nenet finished pulling their bags through. If only the oaf hadn’t insisted on bringing a to-scale sundial!

With a frustrated groan, she turned to the doors, which were slowly swinging closed behind Elvis.

“Don’t open, dead inside.” She read.

She blinked.

“Hal-kuh. Mr. Elvis! Mr. Elvis, it’s dangerous!”

Damnit, the oaf was annoying but she couldn’t leave him to die! With a deep breath, she steeled herself, grabbed something from his pack, and ran after him.

~

The thing to realise about Elvis Presley’s Egyptology phase is that it was entirely inevitable. A life of screaming fans is really, really not all it’s hyped up to be.

When he’d started out performing, he could hardly bear it. Over the years, it had taken a toll- created a… sort of psychological switch in his head. 

So how would he react if, as he walked down a dusty passageway in the hopes of finding something exciting at the end, he heard Nenet screaming from behind him?

To put it simply, Elvis had a Pavlovian reaction.

To put it simpler, he was back in showman mode.

“Ooooh, sounds like somebody’s excited!” he boogied, sashaying his hips as he made his way towards the sound.

Nenet screamed again, louder this time.

“Somebody’s real excited, hoo boy! Hot diggity-dog, I can’t wait to see what’s causin’ this!”

Elvis swaggered around the corner, ready to put on a show for his fans, and happened upon a small nook with a sarcophagus propped up against the wall. It was shaking about, reminiscent of a fan that couldn’t keep still from excitement.

“Well, what do we have here!” he called out enthusiastically, unlatching the door of the sarcophagus and coming face to face with a mummy.

He really wasn’t equipped to deal with this sort of thing. Neither was the mummy, come to think of it. Point is- when faced with these extenuating circumstances, Elvis did the only thing he could think to do.

“Are ya a fan?” he asked.

The mummy screamed the scream of a thousand crows.

Elvis screamed with it.

Behind him, Nenet screamed once more. This time, Elvis recognised it for what it was- a battle cry- and moved out of the way.

She brought an ElvisTM Baseball Bat down upon the mummy’s head with so much force that it disintegrated into kindling. “Ah, shitty American products!”

Nenet dumped what was left of the bat onto the mummy, slammed the sarcophagus lid shut, grabbed Elvis by the wrist, and pulled him down the hallway.

“Hey!” he protested. “I brought that bat along for emotional support!”

“Doesn’t matter now, does it?” she responded, pausing at an intersection before pulling him roughly to the left. “We need to get out of here now- that thing won’t stop until it’s killed us both. I got the drop on it once- I doubt I’ll be that lucky again.”

“But-” before he could argue further, the screeching started again. The hallway felt like it stretched forever, and Elvis’ pulse quickened.

Nenet cast a panicked glance behind her. “It’s not slowing down. We’ll need to hold it off. When I get us back to our pack, take out that big sundial and throw it in its path, yes?”

Elvis, already out of breath, blinked.

“Now!” she flung him around a corner, and he found himself back in front of the door with the strange hieroglyphics.

After a second’s hesitation (and another scream from the mummy), his brain kicked in.

He scrambled to the pack, pulled the sundial out, and dragged it into the corridor. The mummy was about halfway down, running towards them at an alarming speed. Before it could scream, Elvis tossed the sundial like an Olympic Disk thrower.

It took both the mummy’s legs out, then shattered against the floor. Elvis winced- it had been pretty expensive. But then again, at least it had saved their lives.

The mummy got to its knees, screamed, and began crawling forwards.

“Ah.” Nenet’s face was unnaturally pale. “We’ll have to run again, Mr Elvis.”

Without waiting for confirmation, she turned. “And leave your pack behind!”

The mummy, moving considerably slower now, screamed once more. Elvis’ instincts kicked in again, but for once in his life he caught himself. He was an Egyptologist, for goodness sake! He needed to act like it!

He thought back to all the books on Egyptian explorers he’d read. All the mummies he’d seen in those new-fangled Universal Pictures. He recognised the scream, recognised the pain.

What would Gertrude Bell do? He wondered.

There is nothing more difficult to measure than the value of visible emotion, she’d say to him- as she had on page 42 of From the Mountains to the Sea.

As Nenet poked her head out from the doorway with the intention of demanding he hurry up, he moved towards the mummy.

“MR ELVIS- actually you know what, I tried.” Nenet shrugged, and made to leave.

“All these years…” Elvis realised, dropping to his knees and beckoning the mummy closer. “Trapped down here, all alone.”

The mummy hissed, holding its desiccated hands up to its eyes.

Nenet, who was ready to make a break for it any second now, watched in horror as her client ran a finger tenderly along the mummy’s jaw. “It’s alright.” he soothed.

With an awful, keening screech, the mummy threw itself into Elvis’ arms and did a decent approximation of a sob.

“There, there.” Elvis stroked the mummy’s head, rocking it back and forth. “We’re here for you now, aren’t we, Nenet?”

Nenet’s eyes widened as she realised what Elvis wanted her to do. “W-with all due respect, sir-”

“Group hug!” he growled merrily, reaching into the doorway and pulling her into an embrace alongside the mummy. After a moment’s hesitation, she patted the ancient creature on its head. “It’s… alright?” she asked.

It latched an arm around her and wept loudly.

~

They emerged from the tomb a trio- Nenet, carrying some assorted riches and other sundry, Elvis, and the mummy, being carried bridal style by the intrepid Egyptologist.

“I’m gonna take you back to the US of A!” Elvis promised the mummy. “And I’ll take ya to a baseball game and show ya that baseball bats ain’t all that bad! And you can tell me more about your culture and all! Don’t that sound fun?”

The mummy purred in approval. Nenet, who still hadn’t gotten over her client bonding with an eldritch horror from an ancient tomb, shaded her eyes against the setting sun. She had to admit, the ruby-encrusted bracelets really complemented her complexion.

“We will have to make camp tonight,” she said, “and by tomorrow I will get us to the nearest town. From there you can rent a jeep to get back to Cairo, Mr. Elvis. And company.”

Elvis nodded. “Miss Nenet, it’s been a pleasure working with ya so far. What’d ya say I take you on in a more… official capacity?”

Nenet wrinkled her nose. “Are you planning on adopting me?”

“Nah, I meant hire you as my guide for all future archaeological expeditions and the like!”

“Hmmm…” she considered it. “What’s your offer?”

He listed off a number. It had lots of zeroes.

“Done.”

The mummy stared out at the sunset… the first sunset it had seen in centuries. And for the first time in centuries… it felt at peace.

“To wake in that desert dawn was like waking in the heart of an opal. ... See the desert on a fine morning and die - if you can.” Elvis whispered reverentially, following the mummy’s gaze. “Gertrude Bell, The Desert and the Snow.”

Both Nenet and the mummy nodded. They stood there awhile, watching the sun dip below the horizon and inky shadows spread like water.

“Ya know…” Elvis mentioned. “I feel a song coming on.”

“Mr. Elvis, no.” Nenet deadpanned.

“Mr. Elvis, yes! Wiiiiise, meeeen, saaaaaaaaaaay… only fooooools…”

[rainey-staerie-daize]

02.12.21

Today was a bitch.

I finally snapped on Bry about keeping the family laptop in his room.

Mom said it and its charger are supposed to stay out here in the common areas, but every time he gets a hold of it, I don’t see it ‘til Sunday when he leaves for his dad’s house. Also, during a conversation with him earlier, Mom yelled from the living room about him going back to class, and we just looked at each other as he yelled back that he was. He was actually a few minutes late because he was playing Roblox, but he wasn’t about to tell Mom that. And I didn’t either, because I didn’t wanna start a fight, but I almost wish I did.

Xan wanted to charge his school laptop, but the only charger out here was for the family one, so I yelled for Bry, who’d taken his by mistake. And when he came out here to swap out the two, I yanked the family one out of his hands and put it on top of the printer next to me.

“So you want the family Chromebook to die?” (Mom’s spread the idea around here that the more something dies, the shorter its battery life gets. No idea if it’s true or not. Things might just wear out as they get older.)

I didn’t know what to say, and he stormed off.

I had enough, and after a second, stormed after him.

I yelled at him for being defiant as all Hell, and at some point I asked him if he was in school, or playing “with [his] stupid Roblox friends.” He said it was Roblox, and that the mic was on. Oops. He tried to shut the door on me, but I wedged myself in there, and shoved the door open. He got off the door, and I flew across the room and almost landed on the pile of toys (good thing I didn’t, because if I’d gotten seriously hurt, I usually don’t have the nerve to ask for medical attention).

Ended up wrestling him for the laptop (because nobody in this house seems to understand anything unless there’s physical force for some reason), which got pulled kinda hard, and he tried to kick me at some point, but I used my body weight against him and won. It was a struggle, because he’s apparently as strong as I am. Don’t know how, but he is.

Brought the laptop to the living room and set it next to the charger, and limply picked up one of Xan’s writing books, ready to continue reorganizing the desk, and I just fucking threw it and screamed because nobody ever listens to me. Not at the top of my lungs, and not for more than a second or two, but it briefly woke up Mom. And as she’s yelling to know what’s going on, I don’t respond as I open the door and leave.

Walking around the neighborhood was okay, I guess. Left the neighborhood onto the busy street we live near. Walked down a way that was kinda picturesque, with tall-ass trees. Saw a zip-lock baggie on the ground with two burritos in it, and came across a wash and an empty-feeling intersection.

Was kinda hot and disoriented after a while because I had left my mask at home and was breathing into my shirt for appearance’s sake (because I know damn well I don’t have COVID). Eventually, I decided to head back, wondering if anyone even came looking for me or if Mom had fallen asleep.

Got home, and was home for a few minutes (or half an hour? hard to tell) before Skye came through the door. Apparently, she was looking for me because “I can’t sleep apparently!” I guess my scream woke her up. She said she couldn’t find me, I told her I left the neighborhood, and she said she kinda figured I would and looked both directions. She couldn’t find me because I walked quite a ways down only the one by the Arco, which she told me was where she thought I was. Great minds think alike, I guess. She grabbed one of the last two ice cream cones in the freezer and went to our room, and I planned to take the other when I went out again.

Bry had taken the laptop and the charger off of the printer and was in his room playing on it again. No lessons learned here, it seems.

Used the bathroom, grabbed my flannel, hat, and compression socks because I like being a vampire, and left again at 4:20. Haha, LOL, blaze it.

Went a different way this time. Came across several neat things that I would’ve liked a pic of, but I didn’t bring my phone with me. I got used to the speed of the Chromebook, so now my phone just infuriates me. Saw an owl on a second-floor windowsill with eyes that seemed to follow me, and I toyed with the idea that the eyes were security cameras and the head would follow me as I walked away, but I was wrong about the head turning. Saw more than one playground with caution tape, and people at the park regardless, a house that had multiple owl decorations, plenty of neat architecture, and a park I didn’t know was nearby. Not like a tiny one for the neighborhood, but a BIG one. Lots of space. Signs said it doubled as a drainage ditch.

I thought the stairs leading into it would make a nice pic, with the orange late afternoon glow, but like I said, no camera. Wandered around for a bit. Thought I saw a bike in the distance and wanted to check it out, so I shielded my eyes from the sun (’cause the hat doesn’t do shit near sunset), but it wasn’t there when I got there. Checked out a map of the wash trail and tried to remember the names of the streets I passed, but no dice. Listened to the ice cream truck that only turned on its music after it saw me walking, and heard it move between different areas of the surrounding neighborhood. Just stood and looked around for a while, and it was nice. No siblings, no Mom, no time constraints. Full autonomy.

After a while, I started feeling kinda chilly, and I had to pee, so I headed home. Didn’t stop and observe my surroundings nearly as much, but I noticed the sun going behind some clouds and the sky turning a subtle rainbow. The park felt much more melancholy without the orange glow, but sunset always comes eventually. All good things come to an end.

Got home at 5:30, and the house is nearly dark. Whenever everyone is distracted by phones and Mom’s asleep, everyone forgets to turn the lights on.

It was okay, I guess. Skye was asleep again, and Bry came out of his room eventually. I forget if it was explained to me when I came home the first time or the second time, but I had apparently somehow damaged the keys to the laptop. Half of them wouldn’t work. Cue very low-key panic, which would’ve been more had I not been just absolutely tired of everything. I use this thing for SCHOOL for crying out loud! Well, that and Tumblr, but seriously?!

I asked to take a look at it, but I never got it.

Had to deal with Xan peeing on himself in Mom and Kare’s room, which Mom blamed on me taking too long in the bathroom once she woke up. I never actually used the toilet in there yet, was just taking two minutes to wash my hands, and Xan never came to this bathroom, but I don’t think she would’ve cared if I’d told her.

After I checked on Kare in the other bathroom, I snagged yet another of my compression socks on that damn staple by the door. I swear, it’s evil.

Finally got to take a look at the laptop, and concluded that it was the crooked hinge causing the issue, and tried to bend it back into place. Didn’t work. After a couple tries I accidentally scraped it kinda bad with the very sharp tool, and Bry messed around with his Bluetooth keyboard for a sec, making me think it was more broken than I had initially thought, and I almost cried.

At some point, I discovered that Kare not only disobeyed me when I said get out of the bathroom when Xan’s bathing, but Xan also splashed most of the floor outside the tub. Once again feeling like nobody listens to me, I decided to just let my feelings fester and try being mute again. Slapped another x of electrical tape over my mouth for a bit while Bry scolded the littles. I think I made it a couple hours before Mom told me to take it off. And I did then, because I was finally in an okayish mood then, but that’s later.

It was around this time in the story that Mom was woken up, and I moved my laptop operation into the bathroom. If I could get this fixed, then she would never have to know about it, and I would avoid getting yelled at. I decided to Google the problem (which I had to use the on-screen keyboard for), and I tried an EC reset. It worked.

Handed it back to Bry, because he was civil about giving it to me to fix and he was in the middle of some anime, and he asked if he could hug me. I’m not very comfortable with hugs, or a lot of emotions actually, so I just kinda sat there, but I appreciate that he thanked me.

I watched shorts on the TV, Kare joined me, and I barely started Up before Xan fucked with me by using the other remote to turn the TV off. Ended up starting up a different movie, that he got to pick. Mom’s glasses arrived, I told her about the pee via whiteboard, and she eventually got me to take the tape off. She has no idea about the laptop, and probably not that I left the house for a while. I let Bry know that I want to use the laptop for school on Saturday, and he gave it to me shortly before dinner, to my surprise. Said something about not being able to play with his friends until Sunday, and he’ll be at his dad’s then.

All in all, a Hell of a day, but I got some serenity for a little bit.

[violet-knox]

Summer Holidays

Year 5 - Chapter 26

Summary: Feeling the urge to see you, Severus asks to meet up with you over the summer holidays. You agree and make plans to open your O.W.Ls together when they arrive. 

Word count: 3339

Previous Chapter - Chapter 1

~

Severus woke up the morning after arriving back at Spinner’s End, and for the first time, found his mind venturing from the thought of seeing Lily. It was over between them, he’d ruined their friendship so far beyond repair, even a secluded hermit could see it. But it was more than just that. It wasn’t just the fact that Lily no longer wanted him in her life, there was something else occupying his thoughts, washing over his longing for the red-head he’d grown so fond of.

Turning over on his side, staring blankly at the door separating him from the rest of the house that would soon be filled with nothing but wasted words between a calamitous husband and vain wife, he thought back to the person he, until very recently, neglected to appreciate the company of. He wondered if you’d felt how divided his attention was when he’d study or talk with you, his mind constantly roaming back to the fantasy he’d created in his mind. One that had Lily viewing Severus in a much different light, a light he knew he was capable of stepping into if he’d only been able to find the courage he needed to tell her how he felt when they first met.

But it was different now. He no longer retreated to this alternate timeline with Lily on his arm because he didn’t feel the need to. Because he had someone in his life he could truly have a future with if he just managed to dig up that part of him he knew anyone would be proud to have by his side. He had a second chance to find the love he so desperately craved.

With a husky breath, he shot out of his bed and pulled out the old wooden chair tucked into the sad excuse of a board he was forced to call a desk. He took out a quill and paper from his Hogwarts trunk and wrote a letter to you, asking if you would be willing to meet him in two weeks at a park nearby. Now all he had to do was wait till his mother woke to ask for a few knuts to rent an owl.

(Y/N),

Since school’s over, I know there’s no reason for us to meet, but I was wondering if you’d perhaps like to meet over the summer and go on one of our infamous walks? I thought we could meet near the park at the base of the river and make our way downstream.

Severus

  Sev,

I’d love nothing more than to explore the town with you. To be quite frank, it’s been quite dull the last few days, so I should thank you for sending me this letter and sparing me the torment of a boring summer. How’s next Thursday looking for you?

(Y/N)

  (Y/N),

Glad I could help relieve you the pain of a less than magical summer. I bet your probably squirming in your room trying not to jump on your broom and fly a few thousand feet for all the muggles to see.

Thursday sounds good, I’ll meet you half passed noon near the oak tree at the edge of the park.

Sev

  “Severus!” you exclaimed, beginning to sprint towards him as he approached. He almost lost his balance as you nearly jumped on him, wrapping your arms tightly around his neck. “Sorry,” you said, blushing as you pulled yourself off him. You didn’t mean to be so forward, but it had been so hard to suppress the longing you’d felt since you’d parted ways in London. As you pushed yourself back, hands on his shoulder, you looked up at him and to your surprise found a small smile on his face. There it was again, that need to see what you wanted. To see him want you as you did him.

“How’ve you been?” he asked politely. 

“Bored. I was practically counting down the hours till I could see you.” You nervously tucked your hair behind your ear as you took a step back, alternating your gaze from his eyes to the ground.

Severus scoffed. Though unsurprised by your inability to entertain yourself without magic, he was a bit taken back by your enthusiasm to see him. Surely there were more compelling things you could do than to be around him. Was it possible she felt the same way he did? Severus was never one for reading others. It was one of the things that held him back from asking out Lily, afraid he’d ruin their friendship if she didn’t feel the same way. So much for that.

He wanted it to be different this time, to step out of his comfort zone and pursue whatever this was between you tow. But the fear of rejection still trickled its way through his mind like a snake stalking its next victim. He had to be sure you felt the same way, otherwise he could lose you like he has Lily.

 “So, care for a walk?” he asked as he held out a hand for you. You looked down, stunned at his gesture, but eagerly accepted, placing your hand in his and walked with him side by side. His heart skipped a beat as he felt you squeeze his hand tightly, feeling hopeful that you, in fact, do return his ever-growing feelings for you. 

You spent the rest of the day together talking and laughing, enjoying each other’s company for the first time outside of Hogwarts. As you made your way downstream of the river, you just couldn’t help but notice that he couldn’t stop glancing at you, stealing gazes. But the look in his eye was really what had caught your attention. The way he looked at you had changed, and you’d only ever seen him look at someone like that once before; at Slughorn’s party back in fourth year when he spent the night with Lily. Could he finally be returning your feelings? Could he finally be falling in love with you as he did Lilly?

Felling a bit courageous, you decided to flirt a little, just to test the waters. What could it hurt to throw a few glances back? Some light touches here and there perhaps? Prinking your fingers against his palm, you slowly went to intertwine your fingers with his, smiling when you felt him grip you tighter.

He looked down at you as you smiled and kept your eyes looking down to the ground. Plummeting right through your comfort zone, you leaned into him and placed your free hand over his arm, squeezing his bicep just enough to get his heart racing.

“Can we do this again sometime?” he asked as you watched the sun set, disappearing behind the houses lining Spinner’s End. You let your legs stretch down the length of the hill as you leaned back, your hands placed firmly on the ground, holding you up.  

“How about we met every week?” you asked vigorously, immediately regretting it as you watched his gaze drop and his smile fad. 

“I-I can’t. My father would… disapprove.” The wind carried his soft voice, acting as a messenger. His tone had gone so low, you could barely hear him. 

“Is he,” you folded your legs and turned your body to face him, “still hurting you Severus?” You couldn’t stand seeing him so hurt, so discontent. It was bad enough what he’d been going through at Hogwarts, but to be beaten, neglected, anchored down by your own parent’s, you could only imagine the hardship he felt. Placing a hand on his shoulder as your thumb began rubbing southing circles. If the rest of the world was going to treat him as though he was a mere crumb on this great plant, you’d be sure to show him otherwise. You’d be there by his side to show him what a talent, deserving young wizard he is.

“I’m fine,” he hated talking about his father, something he’d always shy away from doing when the topic came about, and as he changed the subject, you could see that today was no exception. “How about we meet again on July 29th? We should have our O.W.Ls by then as well. We can open them together if you like.”

“I’d love that,” you whispered before slipping your hand down, wrapping your arm around his own and gently pressing your lips to his shoulder. 

  Your O.W.Ls arrived two days before your anticipated meeting with Severus and it took all your willpower not to tear it open. In all honesty, the only thing keeping you from removing that green wax seal was the thought of how special it would be to open it with him for the first time together. Nevertheless, it was still difficult to keep your hands off the thick letter sitting on your bedside table, haunting you every night when you went to bed and every morning when you rose.

Tracing the Hogwarts crest one last time, you closed your eyes and took a deep breath as you tossed it on your bed and swapped it for the light emerald green summer dress you’d picked out that morning. Finally, the day had arrived. The day you’d see your raven-hair friend once more and find out how well (or how terribly) you’d done on your final exams.

Throwing on your favorite pair of flats, you quickly grabbed the letter holding your fate and sprinted down the stairs, making your way to the bus stop.

Paying your share for a ticket, you quickly found a set and watched as the scenery before you shifted, the bus gaining speed as it turned onto the main road. Muggle transport had suddenly felt agonizing slow to you ever since your first trip to Hogwarts. And when you first flew a broom, feeling the wind rushing through your hair as you gained speed, you suddenly felt a great deal of pity for those who couldn’t experience the thrill you knew you couldn’t go another day without. Adjusting to summers in the muggle world after your first year was beyond daunting. In fact, your first summer back, you’d spent a great deal of the first month locked up in your room, feeling quite homesick, a feeling you never thought you’d feel.

Finally, the bus stopped by your destination and you eagerly hoped off, quickly making your way up the hill to the old park behind the abandoned primary school. You were early so you sat on the swing and waited for him so show up. 

You were young when this school closed down, the first school you’d ever attended, holding memories of negligent teachers, chatting amongst themselves while the children came up with various games using whatever hazardous tools they called toys. ‘Exercising the creative mind’ is what they would say whenever asked about the lack of supplies in the classroom. You supposed their budget was part of the reason they were shut down. Now that you were older, you understood these things a lot better as your teachers all tried to convince you the school was shutting down because you were to attend a better school.

It wasn’t a complete lie. The school you were transferred to was much bigger and therefore had a larger budget. It was now the only school still standing in this region of the town, though judging by how its residence seemed to have decreased over the past few years, it didn’t really surprise you.

The south corner of Cokeworth was never a place anyone dreamed of living. Those who owned a home here either found themselves born to poverty or were driven down, forced to downscale and buy something cheaper just for the sake of staying afloat in this economy. Come to think of it actually, the south only housed two schools throughout your time here, so could it be that Severus attended school with you before Hogwarts?    

“Need a push?” you gasped as you heard Severus speak right behind you. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.”

You giggled, realizing how lost in your thoughts you’d become waiting for him. “No, I just didn’t hear you approach,” you got up from your spot and gave him a hug. Severus wrapped his arms around you tightly and buried his face in your hair as he closed his eyes. He had really missed you these last few weeks and hoped that summer would end soon so that he’d be able to see you every day. Just another reason he absolutely hated summers.  

“Shall we?” you asked as you pushed yourself away and stretched out your hand to him to which he gladly accepted. You walked a while, heading to a clearing you’d found last time and sat down on the grass. You placed the letter that had been clenched tightly in your hand on your lap and looked up at him in excitement.  

“Ready?” you asked eagerly. The hype to open this letter had built inside you for far too long and you were more than keen to gaze upon your exam results. But when you saw the letter he pulled out of his pocket, your smiled faded and all prior elation immediately slipped way. “Severus,” you whispered, “what happened?” The once crisp letter he held in his hands now had burns all over and was torn open. Most of the wax seal had been removed and the rest had melted, spreading onto the envelope

“My mum got excited and wanted to see my results but when my dad saw the letter, he grabbed it and threw it in the fire. My mom was quick to save it and did her best to mend what she’d retrieved…” costing her a few second hand burns she still hasn’t healed from, he thought. He wanted to tell you everything, he wanted to open up. But this moment with you was supposed to be a pleasant one and bringing up his father was a sure way to ruin that. He sighed as he traced the holes in the letter and your heart sank at the thought of his father being so cruel to him. You could only imagine what Severus hadn’t told you, what he spared you from hearing. 

“I haven’t read it though,” Severus added when he saw the somber look on your face. “My mum opened it to see my results and told me the fire didn’t damage the contents of the letter.”

You smiled at him, thinking about how he had refrained from looking, even after everything the letter had been through, all because of your plans to open them together. “Let’s swap first,” you said eagerly as you grabbed his letter and handed him your own. 

His eyes widened at you in surprise. “Are you sure you don’t want to open it yourself?” he asked, tracing the perfect looking wax seal on your envelope.

You nodded your head. “I want you to open it,” you replied confidently. You’d waited so long to open that seal, but seeing his eyes sparkle and his lips twitch in happiness as he gazed over your untouched letter made it worth giving up the satisfaction of opening it yourself. He deserved to open his O.W.Ls results after working so hard, but thanks to his father, he’d been deprived of that and though you couldn’t reverse time or mend his letter, you could at least try and cheer him up, letting him tear open yours.

You watched as he broke the wax seal and pull out the letter before you carefully removed his letter from what was left of the envelope. You both unfolded each other’s results and slowly made your way down the list. 

“Oh Sev!” you were the first to react as you lunged at him, wrapping your arms around his neck, quickly hugging him as a congratulations. “I’m so proud of you!”

“You did so well,” he smiled back at you before you swapped letters to look at your own grades. 

Your reports were practically identical. The only difference was that you had received an E in Potions with Severus receiving an O, and you had failed in receiving an O.W.L in Arithmancy, but that didn’t matter to you as you had been focused on Quidditch on top of your studies. Sacrificing such an elective didn’t bother you all that much. The only thing that mattered to you now was that you would be able to take all your N.E.W.Ts with Severus, meaning you would get to spend more time together, while keeping your career options open. It was the best result you could have possibly asked for, and you were just so happy to see Severus excel in so many of his subjects. You knew he had quite an intricately brilliant mind, but seeing it on paper, was just all more impressive.

Severus was just as delighted as you when he saw your reports, thankful you had managed to achieve a high enough score to continue your studies with him. It didn’t come as a surprise to him you’d managed to snag such high results in all your core subjects with all the insane amount of studying you’d done. Still it was a shame you wouldn’t be able to continue Arithmancy with him. It wasn’t an important subject of course, he knew neither of you would really need it for whatever careers you’d end up perusing, but it would have been nice to have identical schedules, spending as much time as you could together.

Perhaps dropping the elective himself would do him well. Maybe you’d find more time to spend together outside of class if you both had lighter workloads. Then again, you’d be playing Quiddtch next term and judging by how the last season had gone, there was no doubt in his mind you’d make captain. Severus was never one for those extra curriculars other students were so eager to join, especially those involving brooms, but seeing as how he only had two years left at Hogwarts, perhaps it wouldn’t hurt to consider taking up a hobby that didn’t involve spending countless hours hunched over a book in the dark corners of the library.  

“Can I see you again this summer?” you asked, making your way back towards the main road. 

“I really want to see you, but I don’t think I can.” Severus kept his gaze to the ground, dragging his feet, thinking back to the seemingly endless argument between his parents that had broken out a couple weeks ago. An argument that led to another, and another and another. A never-ending cycle, one that he’d caused all because he’d objected to working at the factory over the summer with his father. All because he wanted to see more of you.

“That’s okay,” you said quickly, seeing him retried back into his thoughts. He’d only get that look when something was troubling him, and you were not about to let your words, your urge to see more of him, bring him to a place you knew was too dark for anyone to exist. You hugged him one last time, as you saw your bus turn the corner, holding onto him a little longer for good measure and as you pulled away, you felt his hands rest gently on your hips, lightly squeezing before he took a step back, cheeks rosy and jet black hair streaming across his face.

“I’ll see you on the train,” you said as the doors opened and you turned your back to step inside.   

Severus smile, giving a small wave before the doors closed, your figure disappearing complete.  He watched as the bus drove away and only began walking home when it was completely out of sight. He hadn’t felt his chest heat with such warmth in so long, but it was a feeling he’d gladly welcome back. One he knew he’d found once again all thanks to you.

It would be different this time. He’d be better. He’d do better. For you… For love.

~

Next Chapter

~

@hoppingsnape @dusk-realm @a-slytherin-sin @trashandshook @gbatesx @sneezy-s @emsdroid

A/N: If you see your name in my tags list but aren’t getting notifications, let me know and I’ll fix it. I’ve been having some issues with my templates. If you’d like to be added to the list let me know as well. Thanks for reading 😊

[maree-ff]

Adjustments

[CAMILA]

Walking through the classroom door I hit the lights, taking in the flashbacks of my last day at work before going on leave. This transition back into the working field after really getting to know my newborn baby won’t be easy. This morning it took me 45 minutes just to put the baby down so I could get ready for the day. Andre did not pester me or make commentary on my behavior.  I think he was mute for quite a few reasons but only one stands out the most. He’s become an extremely compassionate person. Andre watched over and cared for me from the moment he came home up until now. He knows how attached I’ve become to our new baby and getting acquainted with motherhood once again. Which is why leaving this morning was a major heartache for me. Pregnancy became that much lifelike with him around to soak up the last few months alongside me. Not to forget about how nurturing, strong and level headed he was while I was going through labor.

“Mrs. Reese?” A tender voice spoke out from behind me.

I squealed initially and spilled some of my tea on the floor. The sting from the water against the tops of my feet made me tear up but I didn’t release them. Spinning around slowly I made eye contact with one of my quietest students.

“Good morning, Lee. How are you?” I asked him.

“I’m okay. Sorry if I scared you. I didn’t mean to.” He said timidly.

I assured him that I’m fine and that he didn’t scare me. I don’t have the heart to tell this sweet boy that he did in fact scare the hell out of me. My classroom isn’t even filled yet and I already feel that my nerves are getting the better of me. 

---------  --------

Time seems to be moving at a rather fast pace now. Half of the day is already gone and I received my routine visits from both Zoe and Kenja. Seeing them reminded me of Jorden and although the sadness returned, the girls put a smile on my face.

After recess was over, I pushed through the remainder of my lesson by forcing my sadness deep down inside. My students don’t deserve any inconsistency in their education. The minute the bell rang out, my room alongside neighboring classrooms and hallway were instantly filled with noise. Standing from my desk I removed my cardigan, set it on top of my laptop, and went around the room for a sweep.

“Mrs. Reese?!” I turned around on my heels with three pencils, a notebook, and halfway zipped pencil pouch in hand. I moved so quickly I dropped half of what I was holding.

“Dammit..” I cursed under my breath at my clumsiness and bent down to pick up the items. “What’s the matter Claudia?” I asked.

“I still can’t read the big clock.” She whined.

Going over to her desk I assisted her in gathering her things and talked her through the review lesson on time we went over today. My fill-in for the last few months has really done a great job on staying up on the lesson plan I set up for my kids. Even at home, carrying Jorden to full term I still made sure my babies here at school were taken care of. From what the substitute told me, Claudia is still struggling to read time. I went as far as writing her parents a note explaining to them what exactly Claudia is having issues with.

Once Claudia felt confident that she will get the hang of this lesson, I sat down at my desk to read everyone’s journal entries. There was complete silence in my room until I heard feet closing in on my position. Still focused on these journal entries I picked up my favorite pen and highlighter, going in with this editing.

“Mama, you coming home late today?” 

My head turned to the left and when I saw Zoe standing in the doorway I dropped my pen. I turned around in my chair, stood up and went over to where she stood. With her wrapped up in my arms I felt this sensational urge to weep but our location prevented that. 

“I missed you, my love.” I sniffled. Even after a long day of playing and running around, Zo still smells like home. 

“But I came to visit you two times today. Mom, are you okay?” She asked. The concern in her voice tickled me red. 

Scaling back from our hug I walked her to my desk so I could sit back down. 

“Mommy..what’s wrong? Why do you look so sad?” She questioned with a little more authoritative tone. 

“I’m not sad, Zo. I’m really tired but I’m not sad. And no I’m not coming home late. In fact..” taking a breather I stood up and began gathering my belongings. “Wanna take a trip with me? We can surprise daddy and Kenny with something they’ll both love.” I know that enticing children is a horrible parenting tactic. Especially since I get on Andre, all the time, about spoiling them with material things. However the incentive for her to come home with me is baked goods. 

“Can we go to Ann Marie? Please mom? Say that we can go, please!” Zoe began to guilt trip me about the last time we were supposed to go to the bakery. Together we left the school grounds after I received confirmation that Divya picked up Kenja this afternoon. The drive into downtown LA was an absolute mess. Cars and pedestrians at every turn, not to mention it began to rain just as Zo and I made it inside the shop. 

“Mommy..the umbrella.” Zoe complained, standing close to me. 

“We’ll be alright love bug. I’ll cover you with my jacket before we walk out. Tell me what you want.” I said to her. I granted Zoe the pleasure of getting her favorite muffin and a small cake just for her. I was sure to get Kenja’s and her daddy’s  favorite treats as well. When it came time for me to pick something I froze. 

My drastic change in diet has really hindered my food palate. I chose many months ago to eat to live. I chose to nourish my body with food from the earth not only for my benefit but for my little boy too. 

“If you’re struggling with the main menu we do have a specialty menu you can look at.” The girl behind the counter spoke up. 

“Yes, I’d like to see that one. Thank you.” Accepting a laminated booklet with all kinds of alternatives I felt my eyes widen. “I’ll be damned.” I chuckled quietly. 

“Can I see? I want to look too, mom.” Zoe quizzed frantically. 

Squatting down to her level I read off some goods that caught my eye. Thanks to Zoe I picked out more sweet treats than I bargained for. The girl boxed up our food beautifully and then we went home. The rain lightened up just as I got settled behind the steering wheel. My eye caught the brightest rainbow I’ve seen since the day of my mother’s funeral. 

“It’s grandma and her special rainbow, mommy, look.” Zoe said. 

“Yeah baby, I see it too. It’s pretty right?”

“Uh huh.” She mumbled 

Choking back a mass in my throat I discreetly thanked my mother for the sign of good faith.

——--  ——--

“Alright, all done.” I yawned. Setting down Kenja’s brush and spray bottle I hung my head low with my eyes closed. My body began to sway and when I felt the cushion of her bed underneath my head I remained still. 

“You can sleep here, I don’t mind..” 

I opened one eye up to see Kenja taking the braid out of my hair. A weak smile and airy chuckle later I felt a presence nearby. Shifting slightly I felt my spirit come back to life. Here Andre stands in the doorway of the room with the baby cradled in his arms. I’ve been home tending to the girls for over an hour and I’ve yet to lay eyes on my baby. 

“Is he asleep?” I yawned again, making the girls and Andre laugh. 

“Same state that you’re in now. Come on..” he encouraged me. 

I rose slowly from Evelyn’s bed and stood on my feet even slower. I’m worn out beyond measure. This first day back was brutal on my body. Turning around on my feet I went to tuck the girls into their beds. It’s getting to that time of night where I have to flip the switch in my brain. I tended to my kids and students all day so now is my time to end my night with my best friend and our bundle of joy. 

“Good night my loves, I love you girls so much and don’t ever forget that.” I passed my love to the girls and left the room, stripping out of second change of clothes. I swapped the sweats and hoodie for one of my robes and sat down at the edge of the bed. Andre passed the baby to me and when I laid my sights on him I let the tears go. Too many hours have passed since I’ve held and loved on my little boy. “I missed you so much baby. So so much.” I whispered to him, smothering his face in warm kisses. 

“I can already tell how your first day back went.” Andre voiced, adjusting the temperature in the room.

Sighing tiredly, I crossed my legs and laid back against the bed. “I missed the two of you so much. Being here was all I could think about. The girls came to visit as usual and that really helped. Anyway, how was your day?”

“Quiet. I didn’t take him anywhere. We just hung out around the house. I let him sleep after you left and surprisingly he was knocked out for five hours straight.” Andre stretched out beside me, removing my earrings and my eyelashes. “Why are you still playing around with these? You have beautiful eyelashes that don’t deserve to be covered up.” 

Smiling from the pit of my belly I felt my body tremble at his passive aggressive attempt to poke fun at me. Andre is the most supportive man I know but when I toy with different makeup looks and tools he gets a kick out of making commentary. 

“I like to switch things up, Dre. You know that. I guess you’re right though, they are quite uncomfortable.” Peering at my baby I lifted my hand to stroke his cheek. 

“Switch with me. Go get ready for bed because it’s getting late and you need to rest.” He and I traded places, granting me the peace and quiet I’ve been yearning for all day. Lifting my head toward the shower head I embraced the pounding water, pushing my hair back. 

“Mmm…” I groaned. “Hahh…” my mind is slipping between reality and a dreamland. Life has been gracious to me and so has the Lord. Life has also been cruel to me on numerous occasions. The spattering water against the floor and my feet reminded me of the waterfalls in Puerto Rico. 

“Camila,” I heard over the water. 

“Yeah?” Turning around I leaned forward to let the water penetrate my back muscles. “That feels so good, mm..” 

“I’m just checking on you. Go on with your shower, I’m not going anywhere.” He snickered. “Can I ask you something babe?”

Rolling my eyes I began to take this shower seriously. “Of course.” 

“How are those stitches treating you?” 

Andre mentioning the most painful part of labor and delivery struck a nerve. I truly felt like I was dying when I felt my skin rip apart. “Umm..” as I rinsed the suds from my body I took a seat and delicately fanned my fingertips over my stitches. Even the slightest touch still raises the hair on my body and brings me discomfort. 

“Cam, what’s wrong baby, talk to me..” I jumped at the sound of Andre’s voice and stabbed myself with my fingernail. 

“Crap..” I shuddered. “It’s healing...slowly but surely. Did you get the pain meds I asked for? Along with everything else?” Sighing in defeat I wiped away the tears and sped up this shower. Stepping out I accepted the towel from Andre’s hand. “Gracias.” I smiled. 

“Always and yes I have everything that you asked for. Everything alright in there?” He smirked. 

“The stitches still haven’t dissolved and I stabbed myself. I’m okay I promise but I’m still not-”

Andre stroked the crown of my head and bent forward to kiss my cheek. “Camila, I know how much pain you’re still in.” He began. 

Gulping down the slight formation of bile I looked him in the eye. 

“I care about your health and well-being beyond my sexual needs and desires. I care about your sexual needs and desires before mine, you know that too. I was there behind you, watching you bring this little boy in the world. Meaning that I will never forget how difficult it must’ve been for you. We will get back to our old selves in time. I’m not rushing nor am I growing impatient.” 

I felt the corners of my mouth turn up. “Thank you for all that you do. Your patience and commitment is unmatched.” I said genuinely. 

If I want to have a healthy state of mind I’ve got to refocus. With Andre taking unexpected time off to be home with Jorden, this is the break I need to reinvent Camila Maree. 

[the-rust-knight]

The Amber Light

  I stood at the crossroads and waited for Charlie. I knew he’d be late, still crawling along in that ancient steel turtle of his, and this time of day the traffic was heavy. Damn thing was a hazard, the rate it trudged at, kicking fumes out the back and rumbling like a basket of cans being thrown down a stairwell. I picked a spot where he’d see me, right underneath the light. It blinked: red, stop, amber, ready, green, go.  Traffic pulled up from the south city, went right to go home, left to go play. We were going left. Forwards was up-ramp, but we didn’t have the zoning permissions to go that way, even on my tourist’s licence.

Fifteen minutes went by, and Charlie’s burner growled into earshot. It was easy to pick out, both from the blood-brown paintwork and the trail of actual working cars behind him. The wait had been comfortable in the evening sun, at least. I brushed away the AR windows I’d been staring at and slipped my gloves into a pocket, raising a hand to wave, watched him lurch into a stop bay on the lead-up to the junction. He got out to greet me as I walked up.

“Hey stranger. Been too long,” he greeted me. We grinned at each other, shared a quick hug.

“Yeah, and we don’t got too long this time,” I agreed “especially if I’ve gotta ride around in this old smokebox.” I threw my pack in and climbed next to Charlie. The heavy thump of the doors was satisfying, at least.

“The Chesspride 440AZ is a masterpiece of engineering, thank you,” he launched into a classic tirade, one I could probably recite myself, “durable beyond anything of today’s standards, elegant design inside and out, and accessible to the common man even at launch.” The thing had keys that turned, it was that old, and as they did it coughed into life. My grin held solid though, visiting my old friend.

“That purr is the sound of two-point-eight litres of internal combustion, pulling one hundred and thirty-two horsepower. Runs on unleaded fuel injected into six cylinders.” We rolled forwards into lane, causing the approaching cars to drop their speed rapidly. He was probably showing up as an obstruction to their onboards.

“How many places in Rosko still sell the oil this thing burns, though?” I had to ask

“Six.” He sounded proud. “One out near the Greyring, just two different branches of Glowpower now, two places up-ramp somewhere, and me.” The light ahead changed to red, and Charlie moved his feet, slowed us down, did something with the vertical stick between the two seats.

“And you don’t ever think of upgrading? I know you got the money, man.”

“Yeah one day man, but this thing still works for me. Plus, I like being able to drive where I want.” He patted the ring in front of him, watched the light overhead change again, moved his feet some more. “Besides, can you see me behind a Questor two-three-” I felt the cage rumble, lift forward and… drop. There was a loud bang, and the steel sheet ahead of us began pouring fumes.

This was dangerous! I leapt out of my seat, backed off quick, away from the road. Traffic moved around as the light changed, quickly and smoothly with a gentle hum. The pavement was busy with people walking, getting some real sunlight, and a few stopped to stare. They might have stared at this throwback even if it wasn’t about to explode.

Once the traffic cleared a little Charlie opened his door and stood up slowly, indifferent to the danger. His face carried more a look of frustration than fear, but my mouth fell open as I watched him walk toward the front of the vehicle, stopping at the nose.

“Charlie move man, the drive chamber’s gonna blow!” I yelled at him.

“It’s not a drive chamber, it’s an engine,” he snarled back, “I can fix it.” He threw his hands upwards, evidently bringing up an AR schematic to survey the damage. Poked a gloved finger around in the air for a moment.

“You wouldn’t have to fix it if you just bought a hydromatic like everyone else,” I yelled, trying to make him think about the situation.

“Shut up!” Charlie barked back, actually offended. “She just needs fluid. Get my tools out the back,” he pointed his finger, and I saw the hatch popping on the rear storage. It was stupid, carrying a damn bag of tools everywhere just to keep a vehicle running. What the hell did he even need manual controls for? I wondered, briefly, what I was doing coming back to visit my old friends, being so quickly reminded of the reasons I’d left. The bag was heavy and swung in my hands but I got it to Charlie quickly. He dug in and pulled out a metal bar with a hooked kind of end, and a bottle of pink liquid that sloshed around. Then he clicked his fingers and that whole front plate sprang upwards, billowing steam or whatever it was into the air.

Underneath was a steaming mess of pipes and cables. I realised I’d never seen the inside of Charlie’s monster before and felt less easy riding in it.

“Hand me the hammer?” He asked. I bent down to grab one -“No, the sledge.” He was pointing at a much longer handle, with a brick on one end.

The light had changed to red again, and cars began to pile up around us. All fitted with hydrogen cells, fusion drive chambers. Clean, quiet, easy to drive. Two young guys stopped in line with us. Their car had manual controls, and could use them. That was what got driven on the Bluering, real up-ramp stuff.  The passenger caught me gawking, then saw the wreck. He smirked; I hated them instantly. I didn’t even live in Roskovy any more.

Charlie finished his work, slammed down the plate, punched me in the arm.

“We’re good, get back in.”

“It’s safe?” I didn’t have much choice.

“Yeah, idiot. It’s me.”

He restarted with the keys and things did what I guessed they should. He pumped his feet and made the nose shake on the spot, but nothing blew this time. I couldn’t see Charlie’s face - he was staring straight right at the guys next to us.

The light changed, amber meant ready, but both cars leapt at the same time. Charlie timed a foot-pump perfectly and for half a moment we were ahead of them, diving over the line with a snap against my body. Then their fusion drive kicked in, and the sleek white cruiser was ahead, crossing us, cutting things way too close. For the second time Charlie pushed his foot on the stop-pedal, trying to control the car and stop the two smashing into each other. The other guys whooshed away, clear across the junction and through the zoning gate. Going up-ramp and out of sight. Charlie swore loudly and moved on.

He drove in silence for a while, but something he’d said before sat weird with me. Eventually I had to talk about it.

“You wouldn’t be able to drive outside of zoning anyway, man.” He glanced at me, then back to the road. “The gates might not shut the car down but your comms, your AR, they all work on zone permissions too. You could drive to a place but you’d just be dead flesh when you got there, y’know?” This time Charlie sighed. His shoulders rose and he breathed out long and deep through his lips.

“Yeah, I know, it’s just…” his anger hadn’t yet washed away “I mean it man, one of these days…” he trailed off again. Charlie, like me, had never been up-ramp. Unlike me, he hadn’t given up on the dream. When I moved away it was with an offer of work that had turned out to suck, but I could handle that. Every job in lower Roskovy sucked, and the only way up was working through it, sucking the grit every day. At least I didn’t have to put up with the artificial sunlight they had here, with only the dawn and dusk peeking around the massive up-ramp structure. I thought I missed the city’s excitement, but I knew now that getting out was the best thing I’d ever done.

We rolled through sunset and stopped outside the Honeyjar. That was a place I missed, I was sure. There was an old joke: ‘drinks aren’t as sweet as honey, but the floor is just as sticky.’ I checked the messages on my AR, people were asking where we were, if they were in the right place. I’d told everyone we’d be there an hour ago, but that just gave them a head start.

When I’d started planning my trip I spoke to Charlie first, fixing a ride from Transit and place to crash. Then I called Vic and Mara and made sure they kept the weekend free. That was it, my list of names I wanted to catch up on, leaving the one person I’d arranged to get lunch with the next day. The table at the back of the pub sat eight, and as I walked in Vic stood up from a nest of people there and hollered:

“You fuckers are late!” She was always loud, but worse when drunk. Charlie, forgetting his road rage, barged past me and yelled at the table in general. Several others, strangers in the pub, turned to look, but anyone regular ignored him. Mara appeared at my shoulder with a pint and pushed it into my hand. It didn’t last long.

We drank. Hours passed. Charlie loudly ranted about the up-ramp slimeballs who’d cut us up at the crossroads. I told the same story several times about my new place, the small town I was settling in. The way I told it sounded backward and empty, which wasn’t untrue, but when asked about my plans to return to Rosko I shrugged and bought another drink.

The time to leave came, and Charlie tagged my shoulder. I realised I was wearing someone else’s AR set (they had a horrible low-strain tint) and swapped back. We found our way to the door. Charlie had drunk less than me, but more than nothing. It had pickled his frustration, and now his mood was sour. He was out the door and in the car by the time I hit the streets.

“Get the hell in I need to get out of here,” he burbled, starting the car. The cold air splashed my face and I felt more steady. Charlie was bouncing the engine again, raring to go. As soon as I was sat he let off, going at a considerably higher speed than he had done that evening. He caught the look on my face.

“The laws are different for engine-drive vehicles. We have a speed limit that Hydromatics can ignore.” There was a loudness to his voice, but he was lucid, concentrating hard. “The speeds they move at, that’s playtime for this. But the system’s rigged, you know?” I nodded, and clenched tight as Charlie threw us around a corner. I prayed that the traffic would stay clear.

“They treat us like dogs. But we ain’t quite the dogs they think we are. The truth is, I don’t give a fuck. I can do whatever I want.” Charlie was really shouting now, and he wound down the window on his side, blasting more cold air into the cab.

The crossroads loomed, and we slowed for the red light. Dawn peeped over buildings ahead of us. The house was there, but the ramp was just a left turn away. Charlie shook the engine, gripped the wheel as tight as his hands would go. There wasn’t another car in sight.

The light changed, Amber as always, and we burst forward, screaming all the way home.

[sambart93]

2017.01.17 Touken Ranbu Ensei LV Review/Report

FINALLY! FUCKING FINALLY!! FAN FRIDGING-TASTIC FINALLY!!! I FINALLY FUCKING WATCHED TOUSTAGE (somewhat) IN PERSON LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GIVE ME A MINUITE TO CALM!!!

I have been waiting months....

Months....

MONTHS!!!!

ALMOST A WHOLE YEAR IN FACT!

I fought in ticket battles every BLOODY time and didn't hit.

I even used two different email accounts in order to try and get tickets! I still didn't hit!

I tried Toujitsuken (on the day ticket) and DIDN'T HIT....

I followed FAN REPORTS every PERFORMANCE!!

THERE WERE 37 PERFORMANCES IN TOTAL THIS TIME!!

I EVENTUALLY HIT FOR THE LIVE VIEWING SENKOU!

SHIT SEAT

DID NOT MATTER!!!

BECAUSE IT WAS FOUR (YES FOUR!!!!) GLORIOUS FUCKING HOURS WHERE I LAUGHED AND CRIED!

AND NOT ONLY THAT!!!

AT THE END THEY FUCKING ANNOUNCED THEY'RE DOING A SECOND ONE IN JUNE AND JULY!!!!

MAKICHAN IS BACK!!!!! (more details later)

I AM IN SWORD HELL AND I DO NOT CARE!!!

I FUCKING LOVE TOUSTAGE!!!!!

Lets get onto the review now that I've calmed down....

Now I'm not gunna write everything out; we all know Toustage, we all know the story of it; we've all seen the first DVD multiple times. So I'm just going to write down everything that was different this time including the gungi scene, the curtain call etc. Ready?! Okay!

The Opening: I feel like the first half of the stage was changed a lot. Especially the scenes between Ranmaru and Akechi; I'm pretty sure their first scene was extended.

Next is when Fudou is brought into the Hanamaru and meets Manba through Jiji. He does the whole trying to touch him and Manba stops him but (maybe because it was the final) Fudou tries to touch him again, Manba stop hims, he goes to try a third time but stops mid-way making the audience and Manba (who is duh Makichan <3) laugh. He then stops and goes behind Manba and LIFTS his cape up! I don't think MakiChan expected this either!! xD

Also we get a giant chunk after Fudou joins the hanamaru where they (I don't remember who... maybe Namazuo) explain about Manbachan's past which I'm pretty sure wasn't in the original run. And when they do tell Fudou Manbachan's history, Manba is like 'you told him?!' and is super hurt.

As I'd already read in reports and confirmed with my own eyes the stage directions for coming off and on had been swapped for all the actors.

This time around the play was a lot more comedic than it was serious. The first chunk of this play has a HUGE amount of laughs and comical moments in it. A lot more adlib as well I feel was brought into it.

Also I noticed that Namazuo and Kousetsu's parts were extended! When Sayo is recovering after getting hurt and Souza and Kousetsu are left with him Seto (who plays Kousetsu) has this HUGE monologue - which I personally don't remember being in the first run of this show. Also I noticed Kousetsu's fighting style this time around; he moves VERY slow, almost like he only moves when it's absolutely necessary and when we first see him fight I thought we were watching slow mo because then Ichigo comes on and he moves SO freaking fast in comparison but Ichigo was moving at normal speed; so Kotetsu is definitely a slow moving fighter which I found interesting. I still SUPER love Namazuo's fighting style <3 he slids across the floor and he had this head cock which pisses the enemy off xD I love it. Kento (who has replaced Someya as Tsurumaru) has sped up the choreography - he still has the same choreography as what Someya did, but his feet tap (you all know which moment I mean!) was much faster this time and such. AND of course I'm always impressed that MakiChan can fight with the GIANT cape blocking his viewing and making it more difficult to swing a sword. BTW!!!!! I think he had new choreography because in his finally fighting scene he FLIPS his sword in the air and catches it before doing his final strike!! It was SUCH a good flip!!! I hope you all noticed it when you see the DMM << which I will buy ASAP!!!!

Also Kudo's to the camera men! Naturally you're going to get a few dodgey shots but some were so perfectly timed that we got the most perfect shot ever!! One example is when Yagen looks back at Souza and it's such a beautiful close up of him!! Another is when Maki (in the background) says his line and then Suzuki goes to talk (he's in the foreground) and the camera so flawlessly switches focus from MakiChan to Suzuki!!! ALSO the freaking gungi!! (full details below) but after MakiChan has apologised to Wada and goes to continue his line, he cracks the most perfect smile ever at Wada (cos MakiChan is still laughing inside over it) and only the people watching the LV could've seen that shot (maybe people who were actually in the front row and had binoculars could've seen it too) but everyone in the LV theatre (I was in at least) were laughing so hard at MakiChan's cracked smile at Wada for that milisecond xD well done camera men!

I'm pretty sure I mention this every time even when I watched the first run's dvd but I freaking love the music in this SOOOO much!!! Even during the LV last night the music would take my attention at points <3

They used fake blood this time on Ranmaru and Fudou at the end and it looks SO realistic! I thought the actor for Ranmaru had cut his face and neck because it looks realistic and was just all over him! But then when Fudou has it during his Shinken scene then I realise it was just damn good fake blood!

BACK to the story! So the next comedic part is when ManbaChan is showing him around the Hanamaru and what they do on a daily basis and he meets Yagen and Souza and this time around both Fudou AND Yagen go 'ahhhh!!!' at each other xD Then we get to the horse rearing and this time they upgraded the horse and the ensemble cast guy has a hump attached to him which he uses to hit Hasebe and he goes flying across the stage xD

Then of course Fudou actually meets Hasebe and the classic 'AHHHH!...who are you?' happens xD

Finally at the end of this sequence Jiji "finds" them and Fudou went off stage so MakiChan turns around and is just dead silent "...where's Fudou?!" and Fudou brings the fucking horse back on and says they both have reigns xD I was dying. MakiChan was dying too and he yells at the horse to go back to where he came from xD I feel like this was one of those 'It's the last one so lets really fuck Hasebe and ManbaChan and their actors up in real time".

Another great point is right at the end when Tsurumaru does his 'sneaking up on ManbaChan' and of course he did the digging into his knees so he fell back and Tsurumaru catched him so well but THEN preceeded to drag ManbaChan back and his SHOE came off xD when Tsurumaru finally let go of MakiChan he was just on his knees wetting himself laughing. Suzuki kindly picked up MakiChan's shoe and put it in front of him. MakiChan put his shoe back on. But obviously everyone in the crowded were dying of laughter and he was clearly embarrassed slash enjoying that accident xD And then AFTER this moment Tsurumaru and ManbaChan go to walk off stage but Tsurumaru stops asks 'how much Mochi did you make?' 'Enough' 'How much is enough?' and MakiChan does a big ball in the air, Tsurumaru is like 'that much? That's a huge amount! If you had that much mochi then your skin would become super soft like mochi! ... That's why you're beautiful (kirei)' and MakiChan get's flustered (clearly not expecting Kento to even stop!), the entire audience are like 'woooooo!' and he does the classic Manba line of 'utsukusii toka iu na (don't call my beautiful)' and then does this flamboyent cape flip and strutes off stage and Tsurumaru is like 'you sure you mean that?!' xD

OMG!!!!! I don't remember it being in the first stage BUT MAKICHAN GETS TO YELL 'HAJIMEYO!' at one point!!!! Also he yells "Shutsujin da!' and I was flailing so fucking hard when he yelled those two lines!!!!

Naturally I fangirled when ALL my favourite lines were said:

Dare de arou ga Ahhhh anta... dare da?! Utsukushii toka iu na Kore de mo jissen muki dane Anata... dare ka ni fukushuu nozomu no ka Mada mada! Yokikana Yokikana Yare Yare Doushite arujiga oda no katanatachi wo honnoji ni kasetano ka... Ima ha sukoku wakaru... tsuyokuare... aruji ha sou itteru youna ki ga suru. <3

Hajimeyo!

Can you guess who says what?! It's weird seeing it all romanised though xD

Okay guys here it is January 17th 2017 Evening Performance Gungi/War Counsel: Zunda Mochi

Shokudaigiri comes in and says today is Zunda Mochi and that he was going to make it, he hands the tool (for making mochi) to ManbaChan who takes it and Jiji and Tsurumaru offer to help him so the three of them go off stage and for a good 2 minutes-ish you just hear them going 'Tsuku!' 'Hai!' over and over and just getting louder and faster xD

The three of them came back in after making the mochi and said they had failed and MakiChan was carrying the tool and as they went back to his places, MakiChan help the tool down a little and it smacked Hasebe/Wada in the face! At first it looked planned but you legit hear MakiChan go 'are you okay? I'm sorry... I'm so sorry... sorry' so I think he might've been an accident. But then the next moment when he's back to discussing their plans, the moment he looked at Hasebe (going back to the perfect timing of the camera men) he cracked a smile at Wada before pulling himself back together xD And then the moment when Hasebe stands up (before he gets Fudou) MakiChan grabs the tool again and says 'you wanna use it?' xD

During the curtain calls a few of them fucked up with what they wanted to say and obviously it was cute so we all giggled! But when Tsurumaru/Kento was talking he paused towards the end and you just heard (I think it was Yagen/KitaMu) someone go 'DON'T CRY!' and he said 'I won't.'. But when Seto went to speak to broke down towards the end. He couldn't keep it in and from what I saw, the camera only did a wide shot for like a milisecond) but, it looked like KitaMu was holding Seto's right hand while MakiChan put his hand on Seto's left shoulder as he cried the rest of his speech out. And then the get the mood light again Hide/Souza was like 'are you done?' xD MakiChan's speech was pretty solid until he fucked up and said 'Ranmaru Hideyoshi.... no wait.. Hidetada-- NO! ... Mori Ranmaru and Akechi Hideyoshi!' xD so cute.

MakiChan by the way was HYPER as hell! During the curtain calls, as he walked off, everytime he was waved to the audience with this massie wave (like he did in Tenimyu) and was jumping away. And then during the backstage video at the end he jumped in and was like 'THANK YOOOU! GET HOME SAFE!!!!' waved manically and jumped out of shot again, almost hitting the camera xD this boy lights up my life so hard xD he's always so positive and happy!!

KitaMu's curtain call was cute! He was like 'there's the Japan LVs and there's overseas LVs! (English) Thank you! (Chinese) She she! (German) Danke Shion! .... Arigatou!' xD

PS. Wada constantly looked like a deer in a headlight... his eyes were like O_O the entire time whenever he acted xD it amused me.

EDIT:  OOOO! I forgot to say; you know the ending with the song and the umbrellas? THIS time around they have the character name written umbrellas that they carry AND this time the ensemble come and put umbrellas with their crests on next to them as they each bowed!! <3 So 24 umbrellas in total this time! ^_^ After all the curtain calls but before the new stage was released they did the Opening again but an Onrei (thanks) version and at the beginning when they take their swords out MakiChan didn't catch his right and grabbed the sword rather than the hilt and TonChan saw the moment and looked at him xD

New Stage:

Like I said; we're getting a second stage in June and July! And Suzuki, MakiChan, Kento, TonChan and Saya are at least coming back and reprising their roles <3 and then we're also getting new characters Kasen Kanesada, Okurikara and Taikogane Sadamune! They haven't officially released who's playing them but we did get a shadowy dark visual video of them and twitter are under the impression that it's Wada Takuma, Ino Hiroki and Hashimoto Shohei playing them. We'll wait and see but everyone's pretty convinced even though Marv (the production company) are like "Kasen Kanesada - ???" just tell us already! xD All the swords belong to Date Masamune so looks like we're getting a Date story line next which is PERFECT timing because I've been dying to go to Sendai for AGE and decided that like this May was gunna be when I do! And Sendai is famous for Date Masamune (google him okay!).

Did I mention last night was 4 HOURS LONG?! It started at 7pm and I didn't get out of the cinema til after 10pm!!! =O It did feel a little long but I was super enjoying mself, BUT I didn't realise HOW long it was =O

**By the way I found it WEIRD when people weren't laughing clapping in the cinema during the curtain call and speeches. When I started clapping a few even turned around at me like I was the one in the wrong. Just because the actors can't see or hear you clap doesn't mean you shouldn't! I knew in my heart, if I didn't clap, I would've felt guilty as fuck about it, so I clapped regardless. Some other did too but I shocked --more like disgusted-- that people didn't clap when the play started and ended and during the speeches and everything.

[abqmenno-blog]

The Wisdom of Solomon

1 Kings 3:5-14

5 At Gibeon the Lord appeared to Solomon in a dream by night; and God said, “Ask what I should give you.” 6 And Solomon said, “You have shown great and steadfast love to your servant my father David, because he walked before you in faithfulness, in righteousness, and in uprightness of heart toward you; and you have kept for him this great and steadfast love, and have given him a son to sit on his throne today. 7 And now, O Lord my God, you have made your servant king in place of my father David, although I am only a little child; I do not know how to go out or come in. 8 And your servant is in the midst of the people whom you have chosen, a great people, so numerous they cannot be numbered or counted. 9 Give your servant therefore an understanding mind to govern your people, able to discern between good and evil; for who can govern this your great people?” 10 It pleased the Lord that Solomon had asked this. 11 God said to him, “Because you have asked this, and have not asked for yourself long life or riches, or for the life of your enemies, but have asked for yourself understanding to discern what is right, 12 I now do according to your word. Indeed I give you a wise and discerning mind; no one like you has been before you and no one like you shall arise after you. 13 I give you also what you have not asked, both riches and honor all your life; no other king shall compare with you. 14 If you will walk in my ways, keeping my statutes and my commandments, as your father David walked, then I will lengthen your life.”

Solomon was the third in the succession of Israel’s kings and the last king of a unified Israel. He was the son of David and Bathsheba and is noted as the most prosperous and wisest of Israel’s kings. Solomon was also a prolific writer authoring the books of Proverbs, Song of Solomon and Ecclesiastes. Amidst all of his wealth, wisdom and a family that spanned some 700 wives and several hundred concubines – there exists some cognitive dissonance with this character and today I would like to explore a bit more of the character of Solomon. Let me also take this opportunity to state that I’ve been immersed in the character of Solomon for a short time now and am fascinated with this notion of his wisdom and the meaning of wisdom. If any of you might enjoy an extended conversation about these at a later date please talk to me after the service. I think there is at least one good coffee conversation that could be had on this topic.

Let me pause for a moment and reflect also a modern day story of wisdom that I have encountered. It took place in a small town in Iowa amongst a farming family that I have been fortunate enough to marry into. The story goes like this. Lonnie was a dairy farmer for most of his long life and as such worked very hard every day. He made a good living for his family and enjoyed keeping his home, farm and especially his equipment clean and in good order. When it became clear to Lonnie that he could no longer maintain the dairy farm he began renting his fields and barns and dwindling down his equipment to just the essentials. One tractor that had to go was his 30 year old combine. It had served Lonnie well and helped him harvest grains for his cattle for all those years, but now it was time to sell the combine. Lonnie contemplated his options and decided to sell his combine to a metal scrap plant some 60 miles away from his home. He made the proper arraignments and one cold Iowa morning he made grabbed his coffee and donut and slowly drove the combine the entire way to the scrap metal plant. It took him several hours and Lonnie had arraigned for someone to pick him up there after he’d gotten his money for the combine. Well, much to his surprise Lonnie fetched quite a bit of money for that combine and with a smile Lonnie took his check and drove home undoubtedly with a family member. Lonnie relayed this story to his son-in-law, Karl, and Karl’s interest was piqued! Karl thought that maybe he could replicate this same story and he and a friend went in together on a used combine at a local farmer’s auction. They too drove the combine one early morning heading to the scrap yard with the hopes of a large sum of money as their reward. Well, the story did not go quite the same. Instead, the combine broke down several miles outside of town and after repeated efforts to repair it well enough to get it to the scrap yard, they had to make a huge investment in a company that sawed the combine in half and then loaded it onto another trailer and then took the two pieces of the broken combine to the scrap yard. The money that Karl and his friend made paled in comparison to Lonnie’s and after the huge expense in getting it there and the cost for the used combine they were out a substantial amount of money.

Now, before you jump to any conclusion about who was wise in this story I’d simply ask that you take a moment and think about our biases. In our USAmerican culture we have long believed that wealth and prosperity are a sign of good decisions, wise investments, profits made over years and years of hard work. It seems right to us, then doesn’t it, that those who follow this path should be rewarded for their work and as such, as exemplified in this story, Lonnie’s wisdom gifted him with this large sum of money after a life lived in steady and honest work. Now, on the other hand it seems Karl was attempting to earn money that he did not deserve, and make a quick buck. As is our cultural bias, of course this was a gamble and there were inherit risks involved. Karl accepted those risks and hoped for the best and unfortunately, they did not pane out like he’d expected. But, my challenge at least in this story and in this story of Solomon is to question the use of wisdom and our assumptions about wisdom. Keep this tucked in the back of your minds as we jump back into the story of Solomon.

In our 1 Kings text for today we see a very young Solomon, some say he was maybe 14 or 15 in this story, offering a sacrifice to God and then falling asleep and dreaming. God comes to him in this dream and asks what the almighty may grant Solomon. Solomon humbly asks for wisdom which pleases God a great deal. So much so that God in turn grants Solomon not only wisdom, but abundant life and riches provided he continues to follow in God’s ways. Well, even if you don’t know the story of Solomon I think you can guess where this is going. Solomon does in fact have a life of wealth and riches, and yes indeed he is wise, maybe even the wisest of all of Israel’s leaders; however, we discover later in his story that wisdom does not prohibit selfish influences.

God granted to Solomon tremendous riches, wisdom, and an abundant life. He, among the kings of Israel is revered as one of the major figures and indeed was the final King of Israel before it became the divided kingdoms of Judah and Israel. This was a direct result of Solomon’s rule and his policies of taxation, slavery and the introduction of temples to foreign gods in the capital (brought about by the influence of Solomon’s many wives from foreign nations). Let’s stick with the theme of wisdom though a bit more. As noted in our text for today God also granted Solmon riches and a long life if he will “walk in my ways.” Note again, that Solomon only asked for wisdom, but God decided to add a bit more to the blessing. This notion of Solomon’s wisdom is exemplified perhaps by the most famous story of his judgments over his people. The often retold story is that of Solomon judging between two women (1 Kings 3:16-28) who each claimed that a child was there own. You see the women both had children and one of them died in the night, so the woman who falsely claimed the child swapped babies at night and was attempting to claim the other woman’s child as her own. In order to test the true parent, Solomon orders the baby to be cut in half and each woman would get half a child. The true mother, the one who truly loves her child and wishes to spare it’s life offers to give up her claim on her child. Solomon, in all his wisdom, takes note and gives the child to that woman for truly the one who wants to spare the child and see it live is the true mother.

Additionally, we see evidence of Solmon’s wisdom in the book of Proverbs, Song of Solomon and even Ecclesiastes, all of which claim Solomon as the author. No doubt this man had wisdom gifted unto him and he utilized it in many ways. And yet, we see that despite this abundance of wisdom one of the lasting legacies of Solomon is a divided nation and a taxation system that so angers the people that they no longer are able to support their king. Despite the significant and long promised construction of the temple, a place to house the ark of the covenant, and many other significant buildings there is criticism laid upon the rule of Solomon. Solomon’s wisdom, it seems, was stifled by his vanity.

This seems to me an important point to note. Despite being gifted by God with the power of Sophia, that is the spirit of wisdom, Solomon’s sin may have been how he utilized that spirit. My reading leads me to believe that Solomon took great pains to control, harness, confine that spirit into structures and systems that one author notes appear to be more like mirrors to Solomon’s self-worth rather than temples of worship to Yahweh.  Solomon employed this gift from God, this ability bestowed by God alone, to extend his own power and authority rather than utilizing them as tools to honor and worship Yahweh, which was their original purpose.  It’s striking that Yahweh ultimately bestowed these gifts upon Solomon and that Solomon in turn harnessed them for his own glory. One might even say that instead of offering praise and gratitude for these gifts, Solomon exploited these, in a vain attempt to eke out a lasting homage to himself. This makes then, the reference that Jesus utters in Matthew 6 even more profound a thought. Perhaps you can recall these verses from Matthew 6:25-2925 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink,[j] or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 And can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your span of life?[k] 28 And why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin, 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not clothed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?  

In a recent podcast of the show Freakonomics there was an episode title: “who decides how much a life is worth.” In this recent episode Stephen Dubner interviews Kenneth Feinberg, Feinberg is a private attorney who was commissioned by the House of Representatives to direct compensations for families after the September 2011 tragedy. Additionally, he was commissioned to cut CEO compensation packages after the government bailout of major corporations in 2008. After the bailouts the government shifted it’s thinking toward leveraging some of this newfound business investment. The government essentially thought of itself as a major share holder in these businesses and as such wanted to influence the corporate culture. In particular, the government wanted to utilize their position and influence CEO compensation and make them more reasonable. Feinberg was commissioned to execute this initiative and he reports utter surprise at each CEO’s reactions to this cutting. He expected a response that acknowledged all the personal budget cuts that these folks would have to endure…selling their third home or not sending their kids to Exeter or Andover; however what he discovered was quite different. Feinberg states: I was wrong. [They were] Very emotional, because these corporate officials viewed their compensation as the sole barometer of self-worth…..[It] Surprised me? It was as emotional as 9/11. “Mr. Feinberg, if you cut my pay by 90 or 80 percent — how dare you? I have worked for 25 years for this company, I have given up my sweat and my blood and all that I could. And now you have made me worthless in my own eyes.”…I found validity in the legitimacy and good-faith emotion that they exhibited. But with all due respect, that was not a rationale for me to say, “I feel bad for you, and therefore I won’t cut your pay.” Congress [had] passed a law. I was frankly astounded, at the emotional mirror of self-worth that was reflected in what your check says every week. What about the church and your role on Sundays at the church? What about your three children and how well they’re being raised? What about the loving family that you’ve got? Nope.

I keep coming back to this statement from Jesus in Matthew 6: even Solomon in all his glory was not clothed like one of these. I still have a lot to understand about Solomon and his wisdom, but at first glance it seems like maybe this notion of Solomon’s wisdom may not be as simple as I once thought. So, let’s go back to the story of Lonnie and Karl. As I have discussed today it seems the sin of Solomon was not his wealth, power, wisdom and prestige but instead his attempt to control the spirit of wisdom into his own gain. Just like Karl attempted to control fate and gamble on his prospects for quick money, which ultimately failed. But, they could just have easily gone the opposite, so please note that this is not foolishness. Wisdom, as I understand it in my very limited capacity, is Lonnie, sitting in his combine, listening to the radio, drinking a cup of coffee, eating his donut and not worrying himself with financial gain. His mind rested instead on memories of riding that combine through his fields, taking his daughter along and recalling the gift that this vehicle was to his daily work. May you too encounter wisdom which comes in moments just like this. Thanks be to God.