#toast’s 12am rambles

[toastthewolfie]

selena’s first time initiating physical contact after a mission.

It’s nothing big, no, just a small tap on the shoulder and a quick “good job out there” (Do i know who this would be? No. Am i fully open to plopping in another s.c. Oc here if im told how they would react? Hell yeah, always am). Its over as soon as it’s started but progress is progress at the end of the day :) (especially when girliepop used to fucking RUN out of the area just to avoid being touched. It took long enough for her to even stay in the area, much less interact)

this is an apology for the angst (i normally do a lot of hurt/comfort. For some reason my cod ocs as just the outliers 😭😭)

[toastthewolfie]

uh. Tw for violence, ptsd, and the us army being shitty in forgien countries

Why ‘Alone’ affected Selena so much under the cut👍

Feel like i should mention WHY ‘alone’ affected selena so much.

as im sure you all are aware, the us military isnt exactly… great, in terms of affects in foreign countries.

basically, on one of her first deployments at the ripe age of 18, she saw a bunch of corpses sprawled out, clearly brutally murdered. This sent her spiraling and turn into this… numb barely sentient solider who just didnt react to anything and put herself in the line of fire simply because it was the most efficient way to complete the mission.

Shadow Company helped her recover from those long years, and yet, Las Almas? Sent her RIGHT back to that day, except now? She didnt have the backup of people encouraging her to not show emotion. She had people telling her it was okay to feel, it was okay to need help. Thats what caused her to spiral further and faster as she was CONVINCED she didnt need help and would just retreat back into herself when in reality all she needed at the time was just a hug every once in a while and therapy for a bit.

But no, her brain refused to accept help, just like she did 6 years ago and tried to shut down but the environment she was in now didnt allow for that. So her brain tried to compensate only to fail, making her incredibly suicidal.

i am so sorry for all the angst i cant help myself

[toastthewolfie]

character development

when selena first joined s.c., she kept to herself most of the time and whenever she was on the field, everything was done by the book and her fighting style resembled more of a machine than a man, combined with the fact that she showed no real remorse after killing a man. This is due to their personality being stripped away since the army turned them into a ‘fighter first, person later’, also leads to low sleep because her brain is so hardwired to combat and it feels the need to be ready to fight at any moment.

After like two months in s.c. is when she started to loosen up and start talking to people outside of missions (the crippling loneliness really started getting to her at this point and it was showing but she didn’t really wanna bother anyone, and the way the shadows were so physically interactive kinda scared her as she’s incredibly touch aversive)

like 7 months after joining (and where she is now) is when she’s kind of starts growing out of the shell of the person the army left them in. Gets more sleep nowadays but is a much lighter sleeper than before. Still working through their issues and stuff. They’re still very by-the-book on the field but is much more open about trying out other ideas that aren’t covered.

just a ramble :)

[toastthewolfie]

selena notes and a complimentary doodle

this is just a little list of the tidbits ive decided fit selena

As i’ve said before she’s very deadpan and despite this, she’s fairly patient and proves to be decent enough company

Her mobility is subpar. Due to being shot in the shoulder, burned on the opposite shoulder to the point of scarring, and being stabbed through their hands (more so on their right hand) she cant reach behind her as far without pain and her hands are decent enough to the point where she can still fire a gun and be functional but on bad days, she wears compression gloves instead of her combat gloves (she hates it, but would rather take less pain over her preference here)

Due to this, her guitar playing skills arent the best, simply due to how fucked up her hands are (which is quite sad as she does enjoy playing a lot so she’ll sometimes just listen to other shadows playing and finds some satisfaction in that)

Was trained to use an assault rifle, somehow managed to end up a sniper (and a MWD handler which is a very odd combo but hey, it worked out somehow) and is very good at her role.

Has an older brother (he takes after their father while she takes after their mother) who’s in the Marine Corps. He honestly hates the private military sector and was extremely against Selena joining Shadow Company which caused a huge argument and their relationship is fairly tense, though it’s recovering (it definitely makes thanksgiving awkward though, so she tends to not go anymore)

literally no one knows that her father was a white dude and how she ended up with the name “Selena” (for context, her mother wanted her father to name both Selena and her brother so thats how we ended up with Selena and Jack) except for Graves. So pretty much everyone thinks its weird but Selena doesn’t mention her father much so it’s quite hard to assume unless you see a family photo

Speaking of that, Graves literally found out how Selena got the name Selena when Selena just offhandedly mentioned that Graves reminded her of her father in his appearance and showed him a old ass family photo from before her father died

She’s the type of person to hover around anyone she wants to be friends with until her presence is either acknowledged or ignored

may add more but thats it for now :D

doodle under the cut, TW for non-graphic violence and blood

and a shitty, 11:30pm doodle of the time her left hand got stabbed

[toastthewolfie]

rambling abt issac’s prosthetics because im just delusional-

Definitely forces himself to wear the arm. There’s not a single day after he’s cleared to where the arm where he’s not wearing it. Does he know that no one would care if he kept the arm off when he didnt want to wear it? Yeah. Does that get rid of the crippling feae that he’ll be thrown away if he’s not useful and to maximize his usefulness he needs to have the arm on at all times? No. It does not, he can and will force himself to keep it on his person, even if it’s actively hurting him and he can’t hide how much it hurts.

Tries to stay out of sparring sessions. He doesn’t want to hurt anyone on accident and due to the power of the arm (and the fact that normal prosthetics probably can’t keep up with combat or sparring matches) he tries to shy away from them, even when he’s more experienced with it and probably won’t hurt anyone.

once, the arm glitched out and he ended up choking himself out (this was when they were finalizing the arm). It’s a funny story now, but explaining the bruises to Jackrabbit was… an experience.

one of the few things that helped him cope with the loss of his dominant hand is the fact that he now gets to match with Skye (the dog)

More reckless now. He’s still relatively careful but in certain circumstances, he’s gone from cautious to reckless. (E.g. where he used to take up positions in the back of a squad, he now just breaks open doors using the arm without paying heed to standard breeching procedure) It’s not too bad, of course (due to his nature him being fully reckless is so out of character that it would probably send someone into a heart attack) but for him, it’s like him placing his hand a vat of boiling water (aka it’s not objectively too bad, but relatively it’s very jarring)

Was extremely numb right after getting discharged. It’s better now, but that numbness was just really alarming to him (especially when he couldn’t just snap out of it).

thats all for now as i am actively falling asleep 🥲 (sorry for any typos)

[toastthewolfie]

doodle

regarding this

basically, its kind of a second arm and operates similarly to that (its also fairly sensitive and its easy to feel things, which funnily enough, is better than his biological lower arm), but it took a while for him to adjust to the arm (though it did take slightly less time than a normal prosthetic, so like 8-10 weeks. Not a lot but slightly so)

(Also yes he did cut his hair. The longer hair was hard to take care of, especially with one hand)

unsure if im gonna keep this but idk. I quite vibe with it regardless :)

[toastthewolfie]

ramble about selena while i fail to sleep as writing usually tires me out

Most times, Selena is able to just pretend she’s fine, because she feels okay enough to be fine. Somedays it’s a little harder but easy enough, even if it’s obvious that it’s a bad day.

But what about the days where she can’t even control the way her hand moves, unable to stop it from cramping up and being unable to hold her pencil, much less her gun. Those days… they’re far and few but they happen. Thankfully, they happen late at night, when everyone is asleep, after a day of firing drills or an intense operation.

They thank the heavens that no one has to see them barely holding back tears from the fact that it hurts so, so much. And even then, she really does try to suppress it. She’s been shot and burned eithout crying. Her hands have been stabbed clean through multiple times without a single tear falling. But those are stressful situations where the pure adrenaline drowns out the pain, but the nights where the pain lances up their arms like a lighting bolt are without the adrenaline, rendering them helpless to the wave of unrestrained pain.

Nights where she just holds a heat pad to her wrist, resting her head against a counter and screwing her eyes closed as she just tries breathe and hope she gets through the night without crying or yelping.

and still, the second it’s over, she pretends like nothing is wrong. Just acts like they had a small flareup and they couldnt sleep so they took a tylenol and just stayed awake until it kicked in.

[toastthewolfie]

Made a doodle of it

character development

when selena first joined s.c., she kept to herself most of the time and whenever she was on the field, everything was done by the book and her fighting style resembled more of a machine than a man, combined with the fact that she showed no real remorse after killing a man. This is due to their personality being stripped away since the army turned them into a ‘fighter first, person later’, also leads to low sleep because her brain is so hardwired to combat and it feels the need to be ready to fight at any moment.

After like two months in s.c. is when she started to loosen up and start talking to people outside of missions (the crippling loneliness really started getting to her at this point and it was showing but she didn’t really wanna bother anyone, and the way the shadows were so physically interactive kinda scared her as she’s incredibly touch aversive)

like 7 months after joining (and where she is now) is when she’s kind of starts growing out of the shell of the person the army left them in. Gets more sleep nowadays but is a much lighter sleeper than before. Still working through their issues and stuff. They’re still very by-the-book on the field but is much more open about trying out other ideas that aren’t covered.

just a ramble :)