#to to vent and it's just soo much to handle emotionally

[almondmllkhotel]

sigh.

[aella-a]

my thoughts on episode 11

I’ve had time to process.  And I know there is a very good chance I could change my mind in the last episode but basically these sum up my thoughts  I’m going to mostly stick to the canon and try to work out what the writers were going for.

Do I think ZaShunina is evil?

No, I don’t.   I think he’s a lost child whose not dealing very well with human emotions.  I don’t blame him, emotions are fucking volatile and it takes humans many years to make sense of them, and to not let it overcome your actions, and few people ever perfect absolute control over their feelings.  I don’t even expect a billion year alien whose never had to deal with emotions, or emotions like humanity to master it in three months.  Zashunina is suffering, it’s terrible to watch, and it’s terrible to see him inflict his pain on others.  Brutal man.  But...I just can’t blame him.  But clearly he must be stopped.

Should Shindou have reasoned with him?

Yeah eventually , but zashunina gave Shindou no time. Up until the moment that zashunina introduced Nanomis-hein he didn’t even get a clue as to zashunina’s motives, or the reveal.  And zashunina was really crap at trying to convince Shindou, and then after 70 hours of no food or water I don’t think Shindou was at his best to do anything before Nina was like ‘okay time to eliminate you.’

Zashunina just wants  Shindou, he wants him to come with him to the anisotropic because he’s lonely, he’s got these feelings for Shindou and as soon as he feels Shindou hesitates he just kills him.  zashunina does not cope with rejection, or wanting someone, or jealousy, or anything really.   The first time I don’t even think zashunina even had a concept that this was bad, he was only rebooting Shindou.  But after the God know, 55th time, or even more, I think za Shunina is just starting to emotionally unravel, and somehow finds the first Shindou to be the most significant, the one he really wants, the one he can’t have. 

It’s rather awful to watch.  I just get a feeling that zashunina was venting his rage, frustration and fear on the other copies, and it’s hard to imagine what that was like.  I’m kind of glad the show didn’t elaborate too much, but the bits we saw were horrific enough. 

I think every Shindou copy has been blindsided by zashunina and been eliminated each time.  Each has a terrible story to tell.  Each was a story of betrayal.

All those Shindous man, Ugh. Someone go write that so I can wallow in angst.

So no, the way it’s been written now, zashunina can’t be reasoned with.  The only way that Shindou can reason with zahunina, at least from what I can see is to come up  with a way to not being killed to buy him that time.  Which is where we are at now.

What about that Kiss?

I don’t know.  I think I need the last episode to give it some more context.  But as it stands, I’m 50 per cent sure that this was an apologetic goodbye kiss.  A ‘maybe this could have happened, but we never had the chance’ kiss a ‘I’m sorry I can’t be the person you want me to be’ kiss.  A ‘I’m going to go away, I’ll either die or leave and I’m sorry this is going to hurt you’, kiss.  

In other words, I think that was a ‘consolation’ kiss.  The way that Saraka reacted, it just had that sense.

Of course that’s only a 50 per cent certainty for me.  Let’s see what the last episode will show.  Either way, I do feel bad for Saraka.  Because if Shindou doesn’t die, it’s her that’s going to get the ‘consolation’ copy, not Zashunina. 

What about Hanamori?

You know that was rather more dramatic than I would have preferred. I’d go more for subtlety then the running away screaming which was way over the top and just soo anime* in a series that that I liked because it wasn’t too anime (and I like anime, but this was a bit different and I’m digging the difference).  I get the feeling that Shindou sees Hanamori as a brother.  And as the protagonist everyone loves Shindou.  It’s got that vague harem feeling.  I’m not a fan really of that harem setup.  I wish the series had gotten more episodes so we could have gotten a better feel for all the other characters other than they love Shindou.  I would have liked to have seen more substance in Hanamori.  The only characters we really get to know is zaShunina, Shindou and Saraka.  And Saraka could have gotten more time too.

*The female scientists and her brand of moe is much too anime for me to handle as well.

What is the theme of this series?

What it means to be human. 

Which is why I’d argue that zashunina is on equal standing as Shindou in importance to this story.  zashunina is learning what it means to be human.  It’s not an incredibly original tale as far as science-fiction goes, aliens are often used as tools to explore the concept of humanity.  But it’s a tale I like and not one that really is used well in anime, at least not in such a laid back way as this anime is presenting (Hanamori and scientist women’s differing types of moe aside).

How will the story end?

I don’t know.  I have no clue.  It could go in so many directions.  I’m not even going to speculate too much.  It could be a fucking disaster and crash badly and I’ll take back all the good things I said about the series and sulk in a corner.

How zashunina is dealt with.  That’s going to make or break it for me.

Bit scary huh?  NGL, it does make me nervous.  Anime hasn’t had a track record of good endings.  At least not the ones I’ve seen.  I can’t even count how many endings disappointed me.  Too numerous.

I hope I don’t ending up sulking.

[potato4321]

hey all!!!!! i've been wanting to be more real on this blog seeing as, well, that's one of the things i got Tumblr for XD so i'll share a three part message that i sent to my group chat, since it came from the heart and is so important to me, and i also don't wanna rewrite it, or rephrase it because i really like what i said

"hiya!! sorry for this, but i need to vent about something that really scares me :/ tw: depression mention, anxiety mention, minor identity crisis haha

so, y'all probably remember how unhappy i was when i had depression. right? well, now that i'm out of it, i'm so terrified that i'll slip back into its embrace. i've been driving it to the back of my mind because i just wanna forget about it all and be happy, but now i'm crumbling down because, understandably, i can't handle it. I'm terrified that i'll let myself feel through all these negative emotions i've bottled up and, once i'm done, i'll be stuck in negative emotion land forever this time. i do this thing where i don't let myself experience the bad in life, like, i'll even go as far as to force myself to type a happy face like :D after an unhappy face like :( or D:. as you can see, it's tearing me up inside to keep ignoring this. i just wanna be unhappy right now, so that i can sort through all this crap i left myself in the corner. i was stuck in this mindset where i thought I was soo positive and nice and happy and untouchable, and I hated that more than anything. but i wouldn't let myself see it. now, of course, i feel like crap. i honestly think being an empath and a scorpio and just me in general amplifies this, because i feel so deeply and thoroughly and so intensely that it almost consumes all i am sometimes. but that's what depression did, in a numbingly sort of way, and i've been avoiding confronting this for months, maybe even a year. i'm so scared. and i don't need to be. my anxiety is starting to scare me, too. usually, anxiety doesn't freak me out because i know what's happening. I've always had some way of knowing or predicting what will happen next if i make this choice or that choice. now, it's like i'm walking in the dark. i'm breaking down, and i don't know how to handle it. but.. i don't //want// to know how to handle it. for once in my life, i'm gonna stumble through the dark, blind. i'm excited because i'm so scared, is that weird?"

"continuing, sorry, I feel bad for my messages being so long

i care so much about other people's opinions of me. it's always 'i want to look this way', 'i want to seem that way'. i've been using this method to find out who i am and—surprise surprise—it never worked. it never will, because it's the wrong way to go about it. my mind tends to work differently to how people close to me expect, and they can never quite pin me down. i've never really fit into just one specific stereotype, and i think that's why i'm so desperate to label myself as one way or another. thing is, i still want to hide, but i also wanna be completely transparent, an open book. and i don't know what to do.

i even hesitated in sending that last message, probably because i felt like it'd change your image of me, or because it'd seem out of the ordinary for me. but screw that. i'm done playing that game.

my goal now is to be literally me, no matter how pessimistic or optimistic whoever i am is. i know i'm important, and i know i'm not stupid, so i don't need other people's opinions about me.

i never could have guessed how painful of a realization this would be.

i've heard about it from other people's perspectives, of course, but i've never known how i myself would react when my whole world and self came falling down in such a different manner than i'm used to.

i'm used to building myself up and breaking myself back down, finding the component that didn't work, or the thing that's missing, and i've always known something would always be missing. but now i think i know what it is. me. the thing i'm missing from my own life.. is me.

see, even now, i'm worried about y'all thinking i'm weird in the bad way or cringing at my words. i both need and want to get this voice out of my head, because it even being there feels wrong. you all are my friends. you wouldn't judge me unfairly. you deserve to know what's inside me (figuratively, pleeasee don't try looking for my organs, i need them), the good, the bad,"

"and the gray. so if you notice me saying more dumb stuff or acting different or saying stuff you wouldn't think i would, then that's why. just going through my third identity crisis of the month, ha. you don't have to worry about me, i know this stuff might make it seem like i'm slipping off the edge of a good place, but trust me, it wasn't all that good of a place anyway. if i feel the need to hide my true thoughts, feelings, and self here, then i'd much rather let my fingers slip off the edge than stay here. i'm moving onto a better mental place, i promise you, but if you think you'd like to check up on me every now and again, i'd actually really really appreciate it. not only would it help me remember to check in with myself more, but it's also just be nice to know y'all care and all. i'm gonna try, really try, to make the next place i fall a good one. i can't thank y'all enough for putting up with my violent mood and identity swings throughout the years i've known ya, and i don't doubt that there'll be both more years //and// more phases i go through. i just want to let you inside my head for real now, and update you on how i'm //actually// doing now. thank you for reading this, as it means a lot to me that you do, and know that opening up like this is really, super hard for me. i will get better from this point on. i will heal. and i know better skies are set to rest above me. i'm exhausted from all this and it's late, so i'm gonna go calm down and head to bed. i love you all, goodnight!!"

i just wanted to add something on here that i didn't in my message.

"but that's what depression did, in a numbingly sort of way, and i've been avoiding confronting this for months, maybe even a year."

adding onto this quote right here.

this.. this—me breaking down like this—it feels so much different than depression did. i can speak freely of it now, so i will. no more being sensitive in this regard.

depression sadness felt like heaviness. weighing me down for the purpose of me not being able to walk, or talk, or even move. it tried not to let me breathe. it was numbing yet hurting at the name time.

this sadness, it...feels so much different. it feels good to cry, it feels good to just feel it instead of bottling it up and shipping it away to ignorance land. i'm sad because i was wrong, wrong about who and what i was. and honestly, now that i'm thinking about it, i'm really glad i was wrong.

i don't ever want to be that kind of person. ever.

it hurts, and hurts, and hurts to keep emotions in.

feeling the bad stuff feels better than not feeling it.

i'm all about emotions and to learn that i've been putting my own off in favor of pretending that i'm fine really hurts, and i'm glad it hurts, because it shows me that i'm not emotionally broken, even after all that.

anyway, i just wanted to describe that. i'm gonna head to sleep now, after drinking some water and maybe getting a snack, and calming down 'cause i don't like going to bed in negative emotions. thank you to whoever read this, it means a lot to me that i'm heard.

remember that I love all you people regardless of whoever you are, and that you're all important and your feelings are so, so, so valid, and you should never bottle your feelings up even in fear of judgement, goodnight!!! ❤️