#to the wrong place or places that dont even DO the fucking surgery

[babyloniastreasure]

so like whats the point of having a care team if *I'm* the one who has to manage 100% of my documents and communication between facilities?

[talkorsomething]

The whole "go to sleep -> think about sh" thing is still happening. I know nobody was wondering, but it's bugging me. My blog anyways.

...

Well, we've gone too far past the "don't sh" territory that i don't think i actually ate all day.

(Owing to the shortness. No brain power probably and also i'm tired.)

And still. Without fail. The thought is there.

[bigusbossus]

Forcemasc stuff with anyone in mgs

Idk what hit me but my mind was suddenly invaded with BB forcemascing Otacon idk how or where that came from because forcemasc isnt even my thing but bear with me here. Otacon being a little pre-t dude, kinda weak and lanky, cant even get a sentence out without stammering, but he looks up to BB, a man who is confident in all his masculinity, BB finds out about his admiration and starts doing little things like making Otacon fix his posture " A Man should always have good posture, You have to look like someone worth respecting." or making Otacon take care of himself more " A man should never neglect his own needs, because if he cant take care of himself then is he a even real man?"

Also imagine Otacon getting fucked against a mirror but he's trying to look away because he's so insecure about his body since he isnt on T yet and hasnt had surgery but BB forces him to look, gripping on his chin as he rams him from behind " A man should be confident in his body". He'd even start Injecting Otacon with T, just imagine him going like " Yeah lift, your shirt up. Yeah, thats it." As he digs the needle into Otacons tummy. Hal would squirm and shut his eyes (scared of shots) But BB would run his fingers through that nerds hair and call him a good boy for enduring, saying something like " It will help sculpt you into the you want to be"

BB watches as Otacon gets more and more confident in himself, Hal starts standing straight, grooming himself properly, stammers less, starts wearing clothes that dont hide his body completely, He's really shaping into a proper man and BB reminds him of that alot, He loves telling Otacon just how proud He is of him.

Also if you wanna inlude a little knife play, Imagine BB asking Otacon what his biggest insecurity is and Otacon replying with his chest so BB ties Otacon up, and takes a knife out. Otacons eyes are wide and he's screaming and yelling but just like all the other things that BB has forced him to go through he has no choice but to endure, He just has to take it like a good boy, Afterall he'll always feel better, more masculine after, but this is something else, He's being mutilated basically and he could die if this goes wrong, BB sickly comforts him through it (" Dont panic so much, i did this to myself in '64 with a broken glass bottle and a little elbow grease, atleast im using something sterile, Man up, Otacon, you can take this, a real man isnt afraid of a little pain.") Surprisingly it goes well, Otacon dosnt die and plus BB got him a figure he's been wanting for a while as a reward and everythings awesome

David could totally be in place of BB but i think hes much too nice to force Otacon into anything but know what anything is possible so let your mind go wild

also i imagined this in a alternative universe where otacon worked for bb in zanzibarland or if bb didnt "die" in '99

[dani-fox]

Tiny H0ly-Tea ramble

This is a rant/ramble post about a user named H0ly-tea's stupid post so if you dont want to read it you can go ahead and ignore this. Its fine if you do want see it.

if you do, click the keep reading bit but CW: slight mentions of transphobia.

Im sure im not the only TF2 tumbler user whos seen the post about 'i hate when ppl make the mers trans because its the 60-70s'

It would take you two seconds plus google to see that Transgender/transsexuality has existed for fucking years.

Transgender people existed years and years before the period where tf2 exists. Years that show many people who were transgender way before the term was made. The best example i can give is a transgender woman by the name of Mary Jones who was a transgender (male to female) African American sex worker who lived in the 1870s and the first recorded transgender reassignment surgery was in 1906 on a man named Karl.M Baer who was intersex but was dubbed female at birth at the age of 21 he came out as a male and underwent surgery at the age of 23. The term transsexual was created in 1907.

I got all that and even more from the first source. The first source is a Wikipedia article a free online source anyone can see. Here is the link to the article if anyone would like to see it: Timeline of transgender history - Wikipedia

This is also Team Fortress 2 were talking about here. This whole game takes place in a world where Australians are buff super-intelligent beings. -New Zealand is an underwater society. -The first group of mercenaries for the Gravel Wars consisted of both real historical figures like Abraham Licon as Pyro and American folk tales like John Henry as the Heavy -A martial called Australiem exists that makes people super humans. -Yetis,spycrabs,Pyro sharks, the weird tube snakes, pootis birds, and more weird animals exist in tf2 -An older than time itself Wizard exists and has beef with an American who can survive blasting his feet with a rocket. -Krampus and Santa exist. -Medic basically invented Mpreg, surgically removed souls, and can fucking do all these crazy medical experiments!

-Heavy Weapons guy can fist-fight bears twice his size.

-Scout can double jump and survive drinking liquified radiation.

-Pyro exists and he is probably not a human being.

-Demoman's eye socket is haunted.

-Aliens exist.

-SAXTON HALE EXISTS

-AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON WILLIAM CHADSPEAR WHO INVENTED ROCKET JUMPING AND HOW SATION HALE BOUGHT THE ENTIERTY OF ENGLAND.

But apparently trans people is to unrealistic and 'Makes your unconvertible' according to the original user Like at this point just Amit you're transphobic and don't make shitty posts like this becuse your just going to get proven wrong with stupid saying like "trans people did not exist in the 60-70s"!

If you stayed this long for this ramble, thank you for reading over my big barf of words. I don't normally make these types of posts, i try to stay close to my art content. Also sorry for the shitty grammar or spelling. The American education system failed me lol

[emoboy07]

sorry to vent on main, but i dont wanna do it on discord bc i use that venting channel too much and i dont have any friends to vent to in dms so its going here. it got pretty long so i put it under the cut

so i had to quit my job recently bc of my sleep disorder (among a few other reasons but thats the main problem rn) and i do online school so the only time i ever really leave the house is for doctors appointments. i dont even really have any irl friends at this point bc the only one i had hasnt messaged me in like a month other than to respond to a tiktok i sent and i dont even know how to start a conversation if i tried to message them. we used to be so close several people literally thought we were dating. theyve been my only irl friend for like a year atp. i also havent really been on discord that much (outside of venting and occasionally going into chat to say hi) so i havent talked to my online friends a lot lately either. what im trying to say is i basically have no friends atm and no social interaction outside of family and the very few interactions ive had on tumblr. which for family is also less than usual bc of my fucked up sleep schedule, and im not out to them yet so they always misgender and deadname me. i literally just want a friend, preferably irl bc im not good at talking over text and i prefer actually hanging out with people over just talking over text. but i dont go anywhere and none of the people my age in my town would even be friends with me, as proven by the several years of public school that i went with at the most four friends, one of which i recently found out didnt even like me in the first place, she was just there for the other two people in that friend group. not to mention my literally non-existent love life, i havent dated anyone in my almost 18 years of life, it would be nice to have a bf. or honestly anyone atp im not even gonna be picky about it. but again, no one in my town has liked me enough to be my friend so looks like thats not happening anytime soon. and i probably wont be able to move out anytime soon bc of my health issues. i dont have a job rn and wont be able to at least until my sleep disorder is figured out bc i cant wake up to an alarm so i cant guarantee ill be awake to go to work at any given moment. i cant make appointments on my own unless i can do it online, i genuinely cannot do phone calls. and i cant drive bc of my sleep disorder, anxiety, and slow processing speed. i dont think ill ever be able to tbh. and there is very little public transport in or around my town so being able to drive is kind of a necessary thing if i were to live on my own. also i have at least one surgery coming up, probably more but idk if theyre going to want to do my other knee or not depending on whether they find anything wrong in this one and idk when ill be getting top surgery so i need someone who can take care of me for those. and i cant drive so if i wanted to do anything/had anything going on, it has to be scheduled at certain times so i can get a ride from either my mom or my brother. i dont even think my town has uber or anything, and even if it did i cant really afford that rn. and i live in a small town with absolutely nothing so if i want to do anything other than get overpriced groceries or go to a dollar store its at least a half hour drive

[redamoureux]

Your yandere spy thingy got me thinking, which of the mercs would be more likely to lie to there darling, so here's my take on it (i haven't read the comics so don't @ me if i get there personalities wrong, but that doesn't mean i wouldn't like to hear your take on it as well).

There's three categories here that i will put the individual mercs in, the first one is “lise in serten circumstances” and “lise regularly” and last but not leas “i have no fucking idea pleas help”

Medic has a tendency to lie to his patients when performing surgeries on them, mainly to put them at ease (like he did with Heavy in “Meat the Medic”). So it wouldn't come to such a surprise if he were to lie to his object of obsession throughout their whole relationship. Until he “lets himself go” and shows his true bloody colours. Although the amount this man is willing to lie also depends on your perception of him. I mean if you meet him before he had the opportunity to lie to you and actively support his activities then there's a fat chance he will grow delusional, more so than he would if you weren't aware of his practises.

Engineer is a chill guy, he (usoly) doesn't need to lie to sweep you off your feet, but if you prove to be difficult then he will sprinkle in some white lies to keep you safe. He knows what others are capable of, even if they don't know it themselves. He fears the day someone decides to do something really stupid and take their anger out on you. He's just looking out for you, so could you be so kind as to turn a blind eye from time to time? It would save both him and you a lot of trouble.

Pyro, Soldier and Scout can't lie to save their lives. While Scout tries to, and fails miserably, Soldier straight up doesn't know how to lie and therefore comes off rather blunt. Not to mention Pyro who's off in Pyroland 24/7 so the concept of lying would probably be nonexistent.

I think it's pretty established that Spy is a chronic liar, to a certain extent. He's willing to lie about a lot of things if it means you'll end up straight in his arms unharmed. The state of your health, your home, your family, all of it will become a lie for him to twist if it means he gets to have you.

Now Sniper I have a hard time deciphering what he'd do and to what extent, but I think he'd lie when it's most convenient or something I really can't tell, sorry.

Similar to Engineer, Heavy doesn't lie (much), unless it's to save your ass or to convince you of something. Demoman has a similar case but he's a lot more sentimental about it, he honestly doesn't want to be a dishonest man to you. Though he can't help but let a few things slip when he's drunk, so if you try to run oway after finding out what he's been lying about, he will beg you not to go and come clean. Assuming that you weren't aware of his job in the first place. But on the other hand, if you are aware and comfortable with it then you've got a pretty stable relationship in your hands, just dont worry too much about the missing people reports.

I like your interpretation! I feel like sniper deep down hates having to lie to you. Sure he'll tell you some hasty lies if he feels like his relationship with you is getting jeopardized, but it still couldn't stop the guilt from building up. While he may somewhat try to justify his actions, he just knows sooner or later his lies will be exposed.

Soldier isn't even trying, if anything he might just aswell tell you the disturbing things he'd do for you.

For pyro, i actually have yandere headcanons for them in my drafts but what you said certainly is on point like most of the mercs.

Demo is one of the few yan mercs who i actually feel kind of bad for here. Like, He really does love you with all his heart, really! But in his drunken state, he can't help but let a few words slip out of his mouth and would only realize it a little while later and would apologize to you copiously.

[glitchbirds]

currently on day 4 post-top surgery

pain was bad first couple days but has mellowed out to the point where im mostly just uncomfortable, finally. i was a bit in a rush to stop taking the prescribed percocet/oxycodone because i didnt like the side effects, and tried to switch to plain acetaminophen the same day as surgery- horrendous mistake. dont do that. in some ways i felt worse on the first day post-op than i did the day of surgery, because of that. i switched do acetaminophen yesterday afternoon and that was a much better time for it, it definitely doesnt dull the pain As well as percocet but it works well enough

the drains make me deeply paranoid and i haaate that i have to wear them two extra days because my surgeon rescheduled my post-op a week before surgery. theyve consistently only drained small amounts (and less each day) and i keep freaking out over the idea that theyre either clogged somewhere where i cant see/reach, Or that ive accidentally pulled them partially out of place when stripping them as directed

surgical binder is arguably even more annoying to me than the drains- starting on day 3 it started hiking up my chest constantly and putting unnecessary excess pressure on wherever it folded onto. and every time i readjusted it it would just slip back into the wrong place the next time i stood up or sat down. i was finally able to readjust it today in a way that it hasnt gotten messed up again, so thats a relief

for the first couple nights sleeping or even just lying down was fucking horrible. oxycodone would make me drowsy under an hour after taking it, but lying down or sitting back up from a lying down position would cause a sharp pulling feeling in my right side. i used wedge pillows and stacked more pillows on top of that, which sometimes helped but usually just made me sleep fitfully because i was on top of an uneven lumpy pile (oxycodone made that worse- i would get vivid, half-dream half-hallucination visions and sensations and drift in and out of sleep every 5-10 minutes until it wore off). the day after surgery, the first time i tried to sleep in my own bed, i woke up a few hours later to take my next dose of pain meds and the pain from prying myself out of bed was So excruciating that i spent a full half hour sitting on the edge of my bed trying to will myself to lay back down again. i eventually limped my way to the living room couch and fell asleep sitting up with my back leaning on some pillows. i still woke up once or twice an hour that night but had no pain from getting up or lying down. the next night i slept better- woke up even less-, and last night i braved my own bed again and it was nowhere near as painful as that first time… thank god for that

in general i seem to have been more awake/lucid/active than most ppl at this stage of top surgery? esp the first couple days, i spent a lot of time restlessly pacing around the hotel room (and later the apartment). obviously still doing my best to limit upper body movements and not get complacent with my slowly improving range of motion and overextend myself. at least walking around has been good for me in terms of minimizing blood clots in my legs…? and hopefully me being bad at falling asleep hasnt caused any notable issues with the healing process. hopefully.

scotty has been a little angel of a cat, he already is very gentle and avoids stepping on people (and if he does you can barely feel it). binx on the other hand, historically, loves clambering on top of my chest and he has no concept of his own weight and it hurts like hell, so ive been rebuffing his affection a lot the past few days and having to stop him from putting his paws on my chest and climbing on. which he is heartbroken about. absolutely mournful yowling in the halls

oh also my surgeon sent me a bunch of documents with instructions around what to do but the document says that i was given “nipple sparing double incision mastectomy” and the document occasionally mentions nipple care, and i assume this is just like, a generic form and they dont have a specific version of this document for ppl who opt to have nipples removed entirely, but im just gonna say rn if they left nipples on me after the surgeon and multiple other doctors+ nurses asked me directly half an hour before surgery to confirm that i did not want nipples, im going to go fucking crazy. i cant tell through the bandages if i have them or not- i don’t think i feel anything but im reluctant to poke around there too much

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

By: Ritchie Herron

Published: May 23, 2024

Today is a day I can't really ignore, because whether I want to mark it or not, my body reminds me regardless.

Six years ago, conflicted, but optimistic, i thought I was doing the right thing getting 'Sex Reassignment surgery'.

A Long Story 🧵

I transitioned as an adult, I was 26. Me and my fully developed big brain thought this would be a good idea.

I had severe OCD and a myriad of mental health problems. I mean even then I be head tiltin'...This was me at age 25, pure giga chad

Soon as i found out transition was an option, I went in full force, like a bat out of hell!

I had become obsessed with the idea that my body was being poisoned by testosterone, that every masculine trait needed to be annihilated, for i was a true and honest woman after all. 

As a child, I was soft, loving, quite literal and I loved to sing, dance and dress up, but i also loved my diggers!

Me at age 10 before I went to sing karaoke with my friends family. You cant see it but my friends shoulder is on the right, he was a year younger too! I was tiny!

When I came out to my family, in isolation they all asked the same question when I told them I had something to tell them: "You're gay, aren't you?"

"No! I'm a real transsexual!" I said. Convinced I was the truest of the true. Genuinely born in the wrong body and all that noise. 

It was 2013 and I had found a supportive online community that helped me get on the right path to transition.

Facing a 15 month wait for the gender clinic. I found out I could start the blocker (And stop the 'poison'!) if i had two private diagnosis of transsexualism. 

So off I fucked to Scotland for a private diagnosis, as i waited to be enrolled for the gender clinic.

I was on a low income so I did the only thing i could, and got a payday loan. "Fuck debt, its this or death!" I reasoned.

Two days later I got the full diagnosis for £500. 

It took until April 2014 for the Gender Clinic to agree to give me the Goserelin Zoladex implant (testosterone blocker).

When I got it, I was so happy the poison was about to stop. At first, I looked a right state. I did the opposite of blend in. 

By January 2015, I was finally enrolled into the gender clinic and after a while, the blockers were showing some effect. Though, I wasn't committing to it at all.

I found myself desisting from the idea of estrogen/transition all together and just thought I'd live as just some androgynous looking guy.

It all changed when i went to the gender clinic. The very first question I got asked by the psychiatrist was: "have you given any thought to gender reassignment surgery?"

I said honestly, I wasn't sure, I dont think i ever had that type of dysphoria, besides i really want to see the therapist. 

They agreed to refer me to a gender therapist in March 2015. In total I would end up have 97 gender therapy sessions with them.

Gender therapy is not like normal therapy. It helped defeat my doubt, and also helped me defeat others who were doubtful. 

In July 2015, the Psychiatrist asked if i had given any further thought to the surgery.

I said I wasn't sure, and i'd like to find out more. Thats when i realised NONE of them had any technical knowledge about the surgery, what it does, etc. It suprised me. 

I got refered back to the place in Scotland, since I already went there for the pre-diagnosis.

I took my mother, she wasnt convinced.

The therapist told her, infront of her grown ass 28 year old son, if she didnt affirm, he'd kms. 

She told me the surgery would make myself feel better, and that regret was extremely low (I was worried about regretted it) and bleeding.

I have a huge fear of bleeding, I'm a wuss! yes... 

Once the surgery referal came through in late 2015, i panicked! Too quick i said!

"It'll be there for when your ready." The psychatrist said.

But all I really wanted was therapy. 

I said no several more times, I forgot exactly how many times they asked, but it was constant.

By 2016 early 2017, life was still chaos, but blending in felt easier, I wasn't getting noticed really and most people gendered me as a woman.

I was happy enough as I was, but back at the gender clinic in 2017 I was delivered an ultimatum. Accept surgery referral or get discharged.

That would also mean an end to the therapy, and it was keeping me stable.

I bit the bullet and said no once more. 

My gender therapist, also somewhat co-dependant on me as a client for now 60 odd sessions, didnt want to let me go either. He reasoned that i did have dysphoria and surgery was probably the best option.

So i called the psychiatrist back and asked to be refered back for surgery. 

I've went over it in my head 1000's of times.

Why did I go along with it? Why didn't just stop it?

It just felt like a ride i couldnt get off, and it got faster and faster.

Everyone was routing for me. 

Day of surgery, may 23rd 2018.

After staying an extra 3 hours in theatre, i finally woke up around this time. 4:00pm ish.

I was still bleeding and had lost nearly 2000ml from the surgery and drains.

A friend helped snap this.

I apologise for the haram photo, but this is what the area looked like a few weeks after.

I had Lichen Scoloris, which was ignored and is now inside the hole and around the entrance. I had a constricted urethra and both my scar lines on both sides split open, which would get infected.

I won't share anymore, but i have a lot of photos that are far more grim.

It's what happened I really can't show you.

The depression, the pain, the insane pain oh my god. Not being able to pee, to feel anything.

Feeling betrayed 

SO I GO BACK TO MY GENDER THERAPIST THREE MONTHS LATER....and i say "Hey, I think i made a mistake, i think i regret this."

"No you dont." He said.

I went back every other week and told him, i regret it. He said no. 

One year of this back and forth. I was refered to a psychiatric team, that said i didnt have regret, I had Unstable Personality Disorder and severe Obsessive compulsive Disorder.

And then I was discharged in January 2020.

It was the worst time in my life, those years. I was very angry at myself, and everyone I talked to reassured me that I didnt have regret and if i did, it was my fault anyway.

But I resisted...And in 2022 I spoke out after desisting 

I'm 37 as of Saturday... and I'm facing life ahead of me as a castrated male. It's not easy territory, but if i want one thing to come out of this, it's to give others a chance, a warning about surgery.

But i wont stop anyone. Just don't try and stop me.

If you would like to support my work, please consider liking/retweeting. I do it for free but will happily accept tips for sausage rolls.

Also consider checking out my substack where i write a lot of shit and youtube where i talk even more shit t.co/tQSunLfhVk tullipr.substack.com

I really needed to get that off my chest so thanks for reading. It's appreciated

[aprofessionalwithoutstandards]

ik i pass as a Horny For Old Men kinda guy but my attraction to them isnt... entirely sexual. It barely is.

My attraction, part of it is my autism absolutely adoring my blorbos, part of it is attraction to their characters and personalities, but the largest part of it is gender envy.

there's a very very thin line between I want to fuck him and I want to Be Him for me.

Also, with sex, and consuming pornography, I dont... imagine myself being fucked/fucking. I am detached from it. I imagine the feelings and emotions and shit, dont get me wrong. But I imagine it as though I am the character themselves experiencing it, not me. I simply like when people show off mutual pleasure and want and lust and desire and blasphemy, and, this is really sad, I can not, for the life of me, imagine a scenario where I am having that mutual reciprocated pleasure with someone.

So I really like my blorbos when sex. Because the tf2 men are so. so incredibly goofy and ridiculous and unconventionally shaped and insane and its like.. ok yeah, I can vibe with this. It isn't like, y/n type shit. It's literally sweaty middle aged men fucking in the most unconventional places. It's awesome.

Also I love love love when author's do queer shit. Like, queer history shit. And queer sex. I read a fic where, in his backstory, Medic studied at the Institute of Sexology in Germany before Nazi Germany, before the book burnings, and Medic secretely preformed the first top surgery ever, in history, on his close friend. And Medic was one of the contributing authors to HRT and trans studies, and even though so many of the books were burned (this actually happened btw, its estimated that we still arent up to the same point knowledge wise as we would be if those academic trans books hadnt been burned.), Medic knew the ins and outs of it all well enough to make his own fucking drug lab and create testosterone for Scout tf2. To help him transition. And I was like. That's awesome.

Or, or like, this one fic. Where scout is like oh god im gay??? And spy is like "lol you are gay. Anyways here's a book I wrote about being gay and all the shit that I've learned and my shenanigans with sex and anatomy and gays and lesbians and gender. And my deceased lover who was killed for basically everything written in this book"

It's like... I feel this strange solidarity, reading it all. Because its.. We've all been there, we've all been in that confusing ass "this is so.. wrong" or like... the hunch you get, before you come out to anyone. The hunch that your parents wont accept you, regardless of what they've said about gay ppl in the past or how much they love you and how much they'll support you. There's always that little sliver of doubt, that, that this is the thing that gets you kicked out of the house, that gets you abused.

And its. It makes me feel so good when I read queer shit in the context of the tf2 universe.

anyways thats enough of my ramblings thumbsup

This is Extremely long but there are parts here that spoke to me so I am going to respond to this in parts:

I don't think it's that weird to visualize yourself as a particular person or character in sexual scenarios. In my experience this has a lot to do with being trans. A Lot of bdsm is playing roles or characters or etc, and I have actually found that that kind of thing can be very very alleviating if you have trouble being "yourself" in sexual situations you otherwise want to partake in. You should note that I do not in any way id as ace but some people with similar experiences do id somewhere on the asexual spectrum. That's really up to the individual, in my opinion

When you're trans and gay (of any variety), of course it's going to be difficult sometimes to distinguish attraction from gender envy. A lot of what society pushes as "gender-conforming" is the same as what it pushed as "attractive", so for a lot of trans people, presenting as the gender that they are can manifest as a desire to look attractive (not even necessarily "conventionally", just what they think is attractive). Tbh I don't really think this is like, a "problem" if it's just fictional characters; I probably wouldn't recommend dating an actual human being you constantly feel envious of, but like I would probably fuck Sniper tf2's mind out and obviously I do a lot of gender envy and projection and kinnie stuff onto him. I would also fuck my own clone though so I might be weird in this regard

Okay finally like the meat and potatoes of this ask: I ALSO love when people do gay shit w the tf2 men! For me, this manifests itself in stuff like the Medic leather ask I did a while ago, because I like kink and kink history and kink culture and that's what I know about and what I like to write about. It also helps people to see a positive representation of some aspect of themselves in these characters that they like, but, more importantly TO ME, I get to tell MORE people abt this kind of thing. This is the biggest platform I've ever had and I get to use these stupid video game men to like, teach people about shit! About gay shit! And I love that. I love you freaks who care abt stuff like this I love people doing gay shit and trans shit and kink shit with the tf2 men. It can be comforting it can be therapeutic it can genuinely cause a lot of positive change in someone's life, and most importantly it is FUN and it is HOT

[weathernerdmando]

so i have a doctors appointment tomorrow with a new primary doctor and im going to get situated with them bc i need a place to get my adhd medication, but im also gonna ask if they could do at least a preliminary or whatever evaluation for elhers danlos or hypermobility spectrum disorder or something along those lines. and im hesitantly looking forward to that. bc i would really like some answers.

gonna put my reasonings behind a readmore (this is mostly for myself but also if anyone who’s offically diagnosed sees this and has thoughts on it you’re totally welcome to).

in short, something is wrong, even if it’s not ehlers danlos or hsd like i suspect right now.

Its not just bc of the joint issues that i want to look into it honestly. its the joints, yes, but its the Moderate to Severeish (i think i was borderline for surgery iirc, 40 degree curve lower back, 30 degree upper before treatment, its probably back to around close there bc i haven't been to the chiro in probably 6 months now?) scoliosis, the gi issues (fucked up hunger signals (rn, for example, i dont get them half the time even if i know i havent eaten in close to 24 hours, as well as just not feeling hungry but knowing i need to eat bc im shakey, irritated, anxious and unable to focus), constipation that feels like im getting stabbed that i just have to wait out, stretchy and soft skin, the heel lump thingies (can’t spell the offical term), i think the stretch marks, the high and crowded palate, the inability to write for longer than 2 minutes without severe cramps and pain (amongst other issues with my hands, apparently i dont just suck at using chopsticks, my fingers are straight up collapising and htey shouldn’t be. apparently.). i had a submucus cleft palate as a kid, which was surgically corrected (i dont have a uvula lol!) as well as at least one eye muscle surgery and at least one ear surgery for tubes (possibly two, i can’t remember). i still have really shitty vision (-6.5 in left, -3.5 in right, and they’re crosseyed when i take my glasses off. this is with corrective surgery and wearing a patch on my right to make my left eye stronger). as well as the back pain, the neck pain, etc.

I also have what i’d guess is a 4/5 ish to possibly a -8 out of 9 on the beighton. thumbs to wrist - check. elbows - check. i think my knees might actually hyperextend after all, but im not sure, what i do know is i dont think ive ever passed out bc my knees were locked/all the way back and ive stood in that position for a while before. If im standing with the kneecaps forwards but the feet angled, i think that’s where i can see it. The other thing is one of my pinkies is iffy (depends on the day, and i think it doesn’t quite go to 90), and the other i think is at 90 but im not sure, and that one also depends on the day. so at minimum, 4, at highest, 8 i think. 

My ribs also go under my hip on my right side if i just. Lean over. Fun to show people but that is most likely not fucking normal. My upper and lower ribs move and some of them Shouldn’t. If this gets me answers as to why sometimes it feels like something catches in my chest (one of my boobs, usually my left) and makes breathing Fucking Painful I’ll be thrilled. And my scapulas *definitely* move in a way they shouldn’t and I suspect my shoulders might actually too. As well as my ankles (what do you mean that ballerinas work to stretch like i can do normally?? also the ankle injuries and the growing-pains-that-might-not-be-growing-pains-especially-since-they’re-still-happening as a kid??) and i swear my right wrist either didn’t heal properly or something else is wrong bc a) it shouldn’t be clicking i don’t think and b) i dont think the bones are supposed to sit like they do. And also my hips. something is up with those but idk exactly what but i think you’re not supposed to be able to do what i can.

im autistic and adhd too which raise the chances Something is up bc they’re incredibly comorbid, as does having the scoliosis i think.

just hoping if they don’t know, they won’t say well nothing is wrong, but maybe “we dont know, lets refer you to someone who does” even if I can’t afford that yet.  

[loveandsnot]

"i know that you don't like yourself" no you dont. you dont. you think this is fucking normal iTS NOT. you think im not who i say i am, who i, mind you, did NOT tell you i am. you found out. you found out. "why don't you talk" why are you making me. im sorry that i hurt your feelings, i really am and i love you but i cant always talk, and when you make me speak i feel like i want to claw my eyes out and peel off my fingernails until my lungs shatter and crumble in my body and the shards of what once kept me alive break me from the inside out. it's not a choice. it's NOT a choice. i have so much to say but i cant i cant i cant you dont know what it's like to wake up every morning and get dressed in an outfit that suffocates me physically just to stop the suffocating mentally, because if i dont i dont want to go out. i dont want to go out looking like what i was, what everyone expects me to be. im not. im simply not, no matter how long i wait, no matter how hard i try, i'm simply not. the one fucking time i decided to take a chance it blew up in my face. i still think about it. i tried to avoid looking at our messages because every time i would i'd want to cry. even thinking about it i can feel my chest tighten and my eyes sting with the emotions that i so badly want to crumple into a ball and throw into the trash. i can't breathe when i think about it. late at night when i'm about to fall asleep and finally escape i think about it. i think about it in the middle of class when i'm doing work. i think about it in therapy but i don't mention it because if i do it'll embarrass me and i'll never want to go back because i'll cry, i know i would. can i go through a day in my life without wanting to cvt myself because i hate the way i feel and i hate the thoughts in my mind? can i go through a day in my life without picturing how something would feel carving into my skin? can i go through a day in my life where i don't plan ways to steal sharp objects from my teachers and then hurt myself in the bathroom? can i go through a day where everything goes amazingly and i fall asleep with happy and good thoughts? "i know that you don't like yourself" SHUT UP SHUT UP. the reason i want to cry every time you need to talk to me is because of every time it went wrong. maybe i'm just being sensitive and i'm just being a child, but i AM a child. I AM A CHILD. a child that wants to express themselves and a child that wants to just be who i am and if that changes does it really matter? it'll all fall into place one day, it's not like i'm asking for top surgery or even a binder, i just don't want to feel like everyone's always watching me to see if i really am who i claim that i am. does it matter that im figuring myself out or is it more serious than i think??? i dont think it's that serious to try to figure out what's in my scrambled thoughts and what i'm meant to be

[hungee-boy]

things that i am 100000% dead serious about implementing into society yesterday no i am not joking:

get rid of borders. god didnt make this rock for us to imprison ourselves and worship made up lines in the dirt. everyone should be able to walk the earth we started existing on

under no circumstances should basic necessities have a price tag. water is free, food is free, shelter is free, medicine is free. if it ensures your survival and health it is free. period.

can we fucking accept already that different walks of life exist and its not horrible to live amongst people that dont think or live like you. embrace differences. a canvas of all colors is most beautiful bitch

if a persons actions only affect themselves, then those actions shouldnt be criminalized. does not matter if its body mods, abortions, top/bottom surgery, or even suicide. doesnt matter if you agree with it or not if someone decides to do something with their own body and their own consent, it should be allowed legally

political representatives should actually represent their constituents, so if the constituents say something like "stop fucking killing kids overseas right godamn now." then the representative is OBLIGATED to listen and obey the orders of the people that put them in office in the first place

if you work for a company or a group, you should have a say in what your labor is being used for. voting among all employees for company policy, investment choices, internal operations, etc so that every worker is heard and considered. no one owner or ceo, if you work you have a say

landback right now and obey every word that has to be said especially in regards to native flora/fauna conservation and climate change policy. collaborate with elders on social policy, education, and regional culture projects too

speaking of climate change, contract the best locomotive engineers right now and get bullet trains across all continents wherever they can be built with minimal effect on the environment. include costs of operation in taxes and make fare free. destroy all cars. kill the head of bp. put solar panels in the desert where it wont affect local flora/fauna (tho maybe additional shade spots would be good?) listen to fucking indigenous people about conservation efforts.

teach your kids today that its okay to be wrong about something and to ask questions about the world around them. build curiosity in them, especially about other people and cultures, especially now. dont be scared to ask questions yourself. be like a child experiencing the world for the first time. ask questions, be curious, be respectful, learn, gain empathy please im begging you

all art and media is free and available for everyone. you shouldnt be locked out of learning and experiencing human art because you dont have enough of a certain kind of paper. thats stupid. its stupid to gatekeep human experiences to other humans.

this is just for me, but i would want nothing more than to have food gardens in every neighborhood. food would be free anyway, but i want people to learn agriculture and to feel that unbeatable feeling of satisfaction from being sustained on what you put work into raising. its amazing and i want us all to know that feeling if we choose to experience it

[innocent-bysitter]

Life is Overwhelming

it feels like I dont know how to stop complaining. I complain about how much I complain. I annoy myself. But this isn't about that. This is about the things I've been complaining about.

How is it that every single time I start getting over some sort of symptom, another one punches me in the face? Maybe I've had this symptom for a while, or maybe it's new, but somehow it's become the focus for the next couple of days. For example; earlier this month I switched medications for mood stabilization, I started by going off my previous one, which, by the way, was working hella good, the only reason I went off it was to stop gaining weight. So I go off it, slowly. I get down to 1 mg (I was on 3 mg) My shitty Intrusive thoughts about shitty bad things start coming back, and soon enough I'm having a breakdown in the living room with my parents like I'm 17 again. I felt like I had moved past that, like I had matured and gotten better. Hmmm, maybe the meds had been working. So I'm off of them and I have a psychiatrist session that day to get a new medication. Like a fucking loser, I get sidetracked sewing (the one time I've actually had the motivation to do this in months btw) and I miss the appointment, it's a good 4 hours before I realize what I've done, but hey! at least I have a cute shirt now! There goes $100 on the missed appointment fee. Cha-Ching! I managed to reschedule the appointment for 4 days later, not realizing I only gave myself 30 minutes to get home from work. Then, on the day of work, I bike in, not thinking that it takes me 47 minutes to get home from work. oops. So lo and behold it's the end of my shift, I get a calendar notification about my appointment, and I realize I haven't even charged my battery, so not only will I be late for my appointment biking home, but my bike will most definitely die on the way. So I ask my managers, somewhat frantically, and manage to secure someone's office for my 15-minute appointment. I get on the call and tell her the issues I've had while being off the meds, which, by the way, are pretty dire. She nods her head and lets me know "Well if you are struggling with any suicidal ideation you should go ahead and call 988" which generally is good advice, but I was kind of hoping for more sympathy or advice or something. That's psychiatrists for you! We've settled on a medication, she calls it in, and I pick it up the next day.

Next Issue: well, I bike home, and there goes my knee.

Lore-Time: For those who know me, you'll know I've had 3 knee surgeries, the first one in 2016 when I was a wee 13 years old. I tore my ACL slipping on wet tile of all things. The second and third in 2018, supposedly playing soccer but I have a feeling it had torn before that. The second one was to clean up the damage from the first one, and then the third to repair the ACL. Since then I've had major knee pain with exercise, shifts in the weather, bending it wrong, standing too long, ect.

I go to the doctor, the same office I went to when I was 13, a different doctor, I wanted someone who wasn't going to call me "Kiddo". He tells me its the cartilage under my kneecap, and he prescribes physical therapy. As I am a creature of habit, I called my physical therapist from the last time I was in physical therapy and I booked an appointment. At my first appointment, she looked at my knee and told me "Your kneecap is in the wrong place, that's what's causing the pain" Great! please fix it! I now have 7 exercises for home and an appointment with her every week. I get told to lay off the biking for a bit. A couple days pass, and I do my exercises. On top of my knee, I'm still struggling mentally.

Next Issue: There's this guy at work, he is flirty, I'm sorta flirty (I feel like I come across as flirty, but I was literally just trying to be his friend), he is sweet, and asks me to the renfaire. I make it clear that I am in general looking for a serious relationship, I've had too many things (problems) with other types of bonds (I catch feelings). He indicates that he understands and continues flirting. Later he tells me that he isn't looking for anything serious, but he likes me and wants to pursue "other things". Me being an impulsive loser who has no respect for myself, I agree. A couple days later, I was approached by another work friend, asking about my love life, I said yeah you are going to have to be more specific, I'm a player (I'm not). We get to talking and they start telling me all these things about our coworker that are kinda shocking and make him seem super sketchy, now I trust this coworker telling me these things because he looks like Ed Sheeran (He is a redhead). But they tell me these things about him trying to look out for me. And so now I'm attempting to ghost him in a polite way. It's stressing me out every time he texts me.

Next Issue: For most of my teenage years to now I've struggled with severe sleep issues. I take two to four hours to fall asleep every night and at least an hour to wake up and get out of bed every morning. I fall asleep in the car, on the train, at work, sitting on the couch, and pretty much everywhere else. I don't hear alarms almost ever, my parents wake me up every morning, and I usually fall back asleep a couple times before I actually listen to them and get up. Not only is this making me late to morning shifts at work, miss appointments, and miss meals, but it's also causing a huge strain on my relationship with my parents, who never thought they'd have to be waking their 20-year-old up with much resistance every morning.

Lore-Time: My parents are awesome, and I appreciate all of what they do, for me, my family, and themselves. They have been with me through all of my mental and physical health troubles and still managed to have time to work full time, raise my annoying but exceedingly cool brother, drive me everywhere because I do not drive, and have a bit of fun here and there.

So finally, after years of struggling with sleep issues, we decided to go to a sleep doctor. He referred me to do a sleep study and my results are perfectly aligned with Narcolepsy type II. YAY!!! part of me is happy to have an answer, the other part of me dreads the word chronic, or when doctors add more medication to my already large pill sorter. And of course, this is one of those things where the primary treatment is medication. But lately, those symptoms feel worse, and the constant need for sleep adds to my depression, where I used to look forward to work, my body chooses sleep to avoid the commute, and the fear of sleeping in and missing work keeps me up. Because maybe I won't miss it if I don't fall asleep. I guess the one thing I don't mind is that I dream almost instantly after I fall asleep, so when I wake up in the mornings and I like a dream, I can fall back asleep and sometimes that dream will continue. The bad part of that is sometimes my brain will ignore whoever is telling me to get up, by prioritizing going back to the good dream.

Next Issue: Not really an issue per se, but I miss my best friend. She is in grad school to become my therapist and she's never not busy and I miss her so much omg. also, she lives an hour and a half away and has no money for gas because she spends all her money on Taylor Swift stuff. I can't even blame her.

I'm sure I have plenty more issues I could share, but that's all for this time. If you read this all the way through: thanks for reading my complaints!

[a-very-confused-gremlin]

THIS IS NOT FEMINIST ART. THIS IS ART TRYING TO RESTRICT CARE FOR TRANS PEOPLE THAT NEED IT.

ALL OF THE MAJOR MEDICAL ASSOCIATIONS IN THE US SAY TRANS PEOPLE ACCESSING MEDICAL GENDER AFFIRMING CARE IS GOOD!! AND CAN SAVE LIVES! IN FACT!! ONLY AROUND 1% REGRET TRANSITIONING (simpler) WHY??

BECAUSE BEING TRANS IS NOT WRONG. IT IS NOT A CULT.

I WOULD NEVER EVER WANT SOMEONE WHO DIDNT NEED TO TRANSITION TO TRANSITION!! BEING STUCK IN A BODY THAT ISNT MINE?? I KNOW IT WELL.

BUT THOSE WHO TRANSITION DO IT BECAUSE THEY NEED IT.

GENDER-AFFIRMING SURGERY CAN LEAD TO LONG-TERM MENTAL HEALTH BENEFITS FOR QUEER AND TRANS PEOPLE, IN MANY CASES, IT IS MEDICALLY NECESSARY. TRANS YOUTH WHO RECEIVE GENDER-AFFIRMING CARE ARE 60% LESS LIKELY TO HAVE DEPRESSION AND 73% LESS LIKELY TO EXPERIENCE SUICIDALITY, AND THE LIKELIHOOD OF BEING TREATED FOR A MOOD OR ANXIETY DISORDER IS REDUCED BY 8% FOR EACH YEAR SINCE THE PREVIOUS GENDER-AFFIRMING SURGERY FOR UP TO 10 YEARS.

BEING TRANS IS NOT, AND HAS NEVER BEEN, ABOUT THE VOGUE. IT'S NEVER BEEN ABOUT FITTING IN, BECAUSE BEING TRANS IS ACTIVELY FUCKING DISCOURAGED, AND ACCESSING MEDICAL CARE IS SO, SO, SO DIFFICULT.

A 2015 SURVEY REVEALED THAT 55% OF MORE THAN 27,000 TRANSGENDER PEOPLE REPORTED BEING DENIED COVERAGE FOR AT LEAST ONE GENDER-AFFIRMING SURGERY.

AND EVEN IGNORING THAT, IT'S NOT LIKE YOU CAN GET MEDICAL CARE WILLY-NILLY. HERE IS AN OVERVIEW OF THE PROCESS BEFORE TRANSITION. YOU'LL NOTICE THAT IN NO PLACE ON THE WEBSITE DOES IT SAY 'STEP INTO A DOCTORS OFFICE, ASK FOR GENDER HORMONES, AND RECEIVE THEM IMMEDIATELY NO QUESTIONS ASKED'.

BEING TRANS (FOR ME) ONLY MEANS THAT I PERSONALLY DID NOT FIT WITH THE BODY I WAS GIVEN. THIS WAS NOT LEARNED.

I NEED YOU TO UNDERSTAND!! TRANSNESS WAS ACTIVELY!!! DISCOURAGED!!! I GREW UP IN A HOUSEHOLD!!! THAT TOLD ME BEING TRANS!! WAS WRONG!!! AND WEIRD!!! AND SEXUAL!!! WHY WOULD I WANT TO SURVIVE ALL OF THIS PAIN?? IF I JUST??? HAD A BODY THAT FITS??

SO IF YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING GOOD BY

1. SPREADING HATRED IN THE NAME OF 'FEMINISM'

AND 2. ENCOURAGING TRAPPING MANY TRANS PEOPLE IN THEIR BODIES BY RESTRICTING TRANSITION (THIS IS MEDICALLY NECESSARY!! TRANS PEOPLE ARE STATISTICALLY MORE LIKELY TO COMMIT SUICIDE THAN THEIR CIS PEERS!!! (ACCORDING TO A POPULATION-LEVEL STUDY OUT OF DENMARK OF MORE THAN 6.6 MILLION, THOSE WHO IDENTIFIED AS TRANS HAD 7.7 TIMES THE RATE OF SUICIDE + 3.5 TIMES THE RATE OF SUICIDE DEATHS.))

YOU'RE WRONG.

LISTEN. I DONT WANT TO HURT ANYONE. THAT'S NEVER BEEN MY GOAL. I JUST WANT TO LIVE.

AND IF EVEN AFTER THIS, YOU REFUSE TO TURN BACK ON YOUR BELIEFS, THEN I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS, IN BIG, BRIGHT, BLOCKY LETTERS:

FUCK. OFF. TERFS.

x

[sereniv]

its so hard to find the balance of being informed and knowing whats happening, and focusing on my mental stability.

bc on one hand no matter what i do it feels like i cant just block it all out. it feels wrong. and i mean block everything. as in ignoring every post, not reading anything thats going on in palestine. or any other place

to just pretend like its not happening is not something I feel comfortable doing even if it might help mentally. but i dont even think id be able to

i dont need to see the videos or the pictures or read graphic summaries. and that is enough, is to even do the bare minimum

but even the bare minimum feels like too much.

and lately no matter how much i distance myself from it all its already in my head

and sometimes it feels like im off my pills. when i used to have strong delusions of reality being a simulation or of being watched etc

paranoid delusions and shit like that

like when i say i feel like im going insane i literally feel it. it feels familiar. but worse in a lot of ways

like i know what is happening is real but i can barely comprehend it.

i know what i see is real but through a lense its easy for my brain to just be confused at what im seeing. or hearing.

its a simialr feeling to when we read about the holocaust in school and when i saw pictures and read personal accounts.

i knew that it was real, it felt real to a point, but its like it didnt feel real in a way like so shocking that it causes dissociation

and like im doing the most i can do for myself. because theres no ignoring everything bc i already know its happening.

and now i have to manage my psychosis that im keeping at bay. and then ofc on top of that taking care of my grandma and both pets

amongst other things

i havnt felt this bad in a long time.

luckily i have stuff to distract myself but its like

always on in the background of my mind. it feels so claustrophobic like i want to break things

its hard to keep the right mindset and not just blow up at people, or to be 'reactionary'. which, i mean emotions first thoughts second.

its hard to push that down and act appropriately and normally. and to actually be able to think about what im saying

like its so hard to not cry or dream about this stuff. and like weed doesnt even help, and theres no way im going back to drinking

so its like i just have to raw dog the emotions.

idk maybe ill try edibles again, bc the smoking just isnt good for me

i just hope at least my grandma is able to get out of pain bc im getting so stressed im starting to think about adopting my pets out again just to be able to function

having to take misha out every 20 minutes fucking sucks. having to feed them sucks. having to take her out and scoop and to scoop cowboys cat box sucks

and im not getting enough sleep but at the same time somehow getting too much sleep

and then my tablet needing a replacement

and my room is a mess and trying to keep the dishes clean but they pile up every few days

and then just wanting to enjoy something like food and all im eating is gluten and its making me physically ill and in pain and tired

im dehydrated bc i drink at most an 8 oz glass of water a day, but on average a cup

which makes my muscles weak, im having trouble breathing

somehow im keeping it together

luckily im back on my meds

my grandma could die soon when she gets surgery and i really hope that doesnt happen bc i can not handle that rn at all

its just too much

also going to turn 31 this month when it feels like i turned 30 just a handful of months ago

so idk how i feel about that

i just feel physically sick rn. i should be sleeping but my sleep schedule is fucked up so i dont end up sleeping until like noon or 7am

[fenhonig]

hey so im salty.

i saw something on reddit today that reminded me of why i feel such anger towards beauty standards. it was a video of a little girl, she couldnt have been over 5 or 6 years old, and she had a birthmark on her face. the skin right above her nose on her forehead was darker and wrinkled. nothing wrong so far, right?

here's the funny part. in the video, it shows this child before and after getting the birthmark surgically removed, which sounds fine on the surface right? even positive?

i cannot tell you how fucking angry it makes me. this kid, this CHILD, had her parents decide that her birthmark was something WRONG with her. they decided FOR HER to have it removed. it boils my fucking blood that her PARENTS, people who are supposed to LOVE HER UNCONDITIONALLY, saw this unique part of their child and decided that it was something that had to be removed. this kid is going to grow up knowing that this mark was something that was seen as a flaw. and that fucking hurts me.

it doesnt even seem like a big deal at first until you realize that this logic doesnt JUST apply to people with noticable birthmarks. you wanna know who also regularly get their bodies surgically altered at extremely young ages for aesthetic reasons even though there's nothing that would pose a threat to their health? intersex babies. not enough for you? how about babies born with certain deformities that, on their own, pose no threat to their health? do you think its ok to just decide that these children arent aesthetically appealing enough? to just decide for them to make a life-changing surgery happen?

and dont even come to me with the "well some conditions require surgical intervention" because thats not what im fucking talking about. im talking about people who are perfectly healthy, theres nothing about their unique condition that poses a threat to their health, but because that condition is seen as "weird" or "gross", they have their bodies permanently altered without any fucking say in it.

why do we teach these kids that there was something "wrong" that had to be "corrected" for them? why do we refuse to teach other kids that these differences arent a bad thing? why do CHILDREN, LITERAL FUCKING CHILDREN, have to be aesthetically pleasing for their parents to love them? you cant "love your child unconditionally" and then decide that one of their traits is just so unappealing that you decide to remove it for them. you dont love them unconditionally. you love them when they look normal to you.

i dont even care if it looks like im overreacting because this shit can, will, and already has hurt people. imagine growing up and knowing that your parents got rid of a trait that only you had JUST to make you look more pretty. more presentable. it didnt matter to your parents how you would feel afterwards when you could comprehend what had happened, all that mattered to them is that you looked appealing. that you looked correct. that you looked normal.

imagine being at that age and then realizing years later that you didnt look pretty enough for your parents to fully accept you. thats disgusting, absolutely fucking disgusting. children shouldnt be taught that certain traits make you have something wrong with you. instead of teaching kids to accept people and themselves as they are, parents teach their kids that they and other kids have to look normal to be accepted. they dont say it, but thats exactly what they teach.

people shouldnt have to fit into a certain box just to be seen as worthwhile. i dont even think that teaching kids that people outside the box matter too is good enough. we should teach kids that there shouldnt be a box in the first place.

you shouldnt have to look any sort of way to receive acceptance and love. you shouldnt have to BE any sort of way to receive acceptance and love. you're worthwhile. the way you were born shouldnt determine your worth, your actions should. some people arent worth the time, i will admit, but the people who are written off just for being born different deserve so much more.

if you're someone who is hated, seen as gross, seen as disgusting or seen as weird for something out of your control, remember that it isnt you who should take the blame. your own behavior, actions, views, they are what matters. anyone who targets you for something you couldnt control? fuck em.

that is my ramble, im extremely tired, please love yourself. and if you cant then love the people like you, maybe that will help.