#to the extent that even typing about it makes me nauseous. how does he know

[wormsdyke]

experiencing whiplash from the silly little television show that i was so excited to premier happening to hit every single trigger point for my silly little mentally ill brain so i fully cannot watch it

[blzzrdstryr]

Chrysalis

Yandere!Albedo x gn!reader

Wordcount:2115

CW:Yandere themes

Working for Albedo isn’t that bad - the payment is good, the knowledge he provides is even better - a chance to delve into exclusive alchemical research with a widely acknowledged genius is a far more valuable award than any amount of mora or jewels could ever be. Said prodigy isn’t an awful person to work with either - he’s polite and well mannered, careful not to offend anyone even if his words can be cold and cutting sometimes. Most of the time Albedo is a pleasant company to be around, if one would turn a blind eye to his quirks.

For instance, he has a weird and frankly unnerving habit of staring at you - his teal eyes track your littlest movements as you set up an alchemical apparatus and prepare needed solutions. At first you thought he was overseeing you, checking if you had made any mistake as a fledgling alchemist, yet this hypothesis was quickly disproved when you caught him gazing off working hours. You never voiced your complaints - you wanted to keep your job and study, and maybe he is too socially blind to see how his behavior could be received by others.

Today would also be a great example of an alchemist's lack of tact - he requested you accompany him everywhere for the last few weeks, taking you from the cold heights of Dragonspine to sunny and bustling streets of Mondstadt. You two are sitting in the corner of his laboratory designed for rest and food and share a meal: two portions of his favorite fish, despite being nothing more than the employer and employee or teacher and student.

Albedo doesn’t seem to get or mind what kind of rumours he causes with this seemingly blatant favouritism before you, no he looks as calm as usual as he plunges into the dish with fork and knife.

“[First]”, he says, after the first bite: “Have the aches stopped bothering you?”, a hint of concern and something else. Two or three weeks ago you developed a strange soreness in the different parts of your body - wrists, neck, heart, legs - it would appear suddenly, burning and throbbing and making you gasp, leaving you tired and nauseous afterwards. No one could find the source of the problem, not even Albedo, yet after some time these far from pleasant sensations got subdued, easier to bear and endure.

His hand reaches for your left wrist, thumb caressing the skin, and he pulls it closer to his face, eyes examining the sore spot. You don’t protest, stunned by his sudden action.

“Hm, that’s”, he mumbles, more to himself than you: “that’s good”, he concludes, letting go of your limb.

“What’s good? Did something change?” you inquire, instantly forgetting to take offense at his grabbing.

“You could say that”, Albedo ambiguously says and returns to his fish. You ask the alchemist what he meant, but all you get are even vaguer answers and long silence in the end, as he finishes his meal and nudges you to start your own sunshine sprat.

In the end your questions remain unacknowledged, as Albedo leaves displaying you to accompany him. Surprisingly he heads for the gardens instead of the library, his step light and fast. “Master Albedo” you start, seeing that alchemist is in his creative mood again: “shouldn’t you bring an easel or sketchbook with you?”

“No, [First], I don’t intend to draw, not now. This walk is for me to get some inspiration”, Albedo quickly replies, still walking ahead: “In this time of year the environment changes so rapidly, it provides a mind with a lot of good ideas. You should come with me too, alchemy is a science of change, creation and destruction and nature is better at these three aspects than any of us”. He adds, seemingly sensing the next question you would ask.

He walks near the bushes, teal eyes focused on the blooming fragrant flowers, before he squats, pushing some of the wigs back.

“[First]”, he turns his head in your direction: “you should come and see”. You comply, curious what has caught Albedo’s attention, squatting near him and looking at one of the inner branches usually hidden by others.

It’s an ordinary dark cocoon. You almost turn your head again, before the slightest of movements catches your attention - it’s an insect trying to break out. Chrysalis cracks and deforms as a fledgling butterfly makes way past it’s confines. One second and it stretches its wings, revealing a vibrant blue coloration, the next it leaves it’s former cell entirely, elegantly soaring into the air, it’s azure wings lazily flapping, as it makes its way to the other bush.

“Fascinating”, Albedo breathes out, eyes still on the disappearing figure of the insect: “It transformed to such a great extent”.

You hear a hint of excitement in his voice - he wants to share his thoughts or knowledge then - and nod, prompting him to continue.

“Did you know that a larva needs to literally dissolve itself to reach the next stage of its life? After caterpillar finishes its cocoon, it produces enzymes that turn most of its tissue into a liquid matter and only after that does it rebuilds into an entirely new form”, he turns his gaze back to you, usually cold and thoughtful eyes now warm and dreamy: “Sometimes, I think humans are meant to metamorphose too”.

“How so?” you ask, tilting the head.

“Humans, despite all complexity and intelligence, are still fragile creatures. They’re prone to sickness and ailments and in the end old age ends those who managed to evade death before. Wouldn't it be better if one could go through metamorphosis, be reborn free from pain and hunger and constant threat of passing away? Those humans could live on forever and dedicate themselves to the higher cause without having to worry about dying and suffering".

You raise eyebrows, surprised by the sudden “outburst” - Albedo, despite his partially philosophical nature, has never shared his inner thoughts so freely, not to you at least. He, either out of embarrassment or deep contemplation, shifts his eyes somewhere behind you, and you turn back, following his eyes. He looks at the statue of Barbatos.

Tall and proud, it looks magnificent in the day’s sunlight, golden rays making it glow and shine with the fairness of the marble. Looking at this epitome of unchanging vision, you suddenly get an answer to Albedo’s thoughts and you voice it out the same second:

“Wouldn’t it negate the meaning of life then? Nature breeds diversity - the reason why we have so many flowers is because some kinds aren't adapted to particular conditions and so they change, producing entirely new types of plants. Eternal and undying beings, unconcerned with the earthly matters would have no need to reproduce and pass on its features to the next generation, depriving the world of thousand possible combinations. No new life would be created if the old one could be perfectly sustained".

"That's how you see it", Albedo replies, placing a now empty husk of the cocoon inside your palm - the testament of the nature’s miracle, the testament of one's ability to change: “I’ve witnessed many wonderful sights for today”, he adds, still looking at you, surrounded by flowers and flying butterflies, light breeze playing with your hair and sun illuminating your whole figure with a gentle golden glow.

You part with Albedo shortly after - he closes himself in the lab, before checking up on your sore spots again, quietly mumbling something to himself the whole time. You head for your house and open the alchemical textbook, studying it until late night. That place on the wrist slightly throbs at every movement.

Only when your eyelids fill up with lead and thoughts slow down from the general fatigue you allow yourself to head for the bed, falling asleep the second your head touches the pillow. You see phantasmagorical dreams - of you being a bulging and large larva, spending days simply eating green leaves, until a strange urge overcomes your entire being and you start to build something - a cocoon. Now, surrounded by pitch black darkness you feel a burning sensation - enzymes, enzymes that will dissolve your tissue. Pain quickly escalates and you want to scream and cry, but you can’t - you’re an insect you don’t have vocal glands or tear ducts to do so. Who could have known that butterflies suffer so much?

You writhe and squirm, caged by your liquifying body and hard chrysalis around you and you are in so much agony you want to die.

And then you wake up. All sweaty and distressed you grab at your wrist - it hurts so much, your entire body is on fire, it seems that you have another episode of that strange soreness. You quickly rise to your feet, snatching the painkillers from the nightstand and downing them with a gulp of water. As medicine begins it’s work you lay in the bed again, ready to fall asleep and forget the midnight pains, as you see something that makes your breath hitch and heartbeat fasten from fear.

A strange greyish white discoloration on your wrist in the same place that used to throb this evening. You touch it and it leaves a dry white imprint on your fingers, it also doesn’t have any strange smell.

You rise and quickly dress up, barely suppressed panic and anxiety dispelling the last remains of sleep. The walk towards the Favonius HQ’s is short, especially when you break into a sprint on the way. He is here, he is working into the night today. Quickly passing sleepy knights you climb on the second floor and almost run to one particular door, loudly knocking at it.

Just as you expected, there’s a sound of footsteps and soon a familiar voice asks: “Who is here?”.

“It’s me, master Albedo”, you say, feeling how the pain returns despite the painkillers taken: “you said to report if something changes, with my aches. It changed”.

The words you say and desperation accompanying them prompts alchemist to open the door, as he gestures you to come in, and shut the door as you do so:

“Strip”, he says, mind back to the analytical mode, you comply, feeling ashamed with every second Albedo continues to observe you: “Wait, there’s something on your neck”.

A cool touch to your skin, a short yelp, another burst of pain. You fall on your knees, blinded and deafened by sheer agony. Alchemist produces a distressed noise, walking up to your collapsed figure and carrying you to the nearby table.

He pushes alchemical apparatus away, turning the table into a makeshift bed, and gently lowers you down. “[First]”, his hand card through your hair, while the other nudges a mug with some brew to your lips: “There’s nothing to worry about, your metamorphosis progresses as it should be”.

“Metamorphosis.. What are you talking about?”, you ask, panic creeping into the question. Alchemist looks you straight into the eyes, an eerie smile blooming on his face as he hears it: "Isn’t it obvious? You're going to change and I will help you with that".

“Change?! Change into what?”

“Into a better version of human of course. Do you think I would let you get old or sick and die? You’re too dear to me to do that, you should live and experience a life free from human limitations”, for the first time in your life you’re terrified of him. Albedo always seemed so knowledgeable and calm to you, like a wise wizard from the childhood fairytales, yet now he looks mad and devoid of any humanity:“You shouldn’t worry about these stains, they will disappear once your transformation is complete. Those are just chalk you see, a side effect of your tissues changing over the weeks”.

“When did.. When did you start it?”, you croak out, sensing the agony returning and growing again. It hurts so much I can barely think.

“Dragonspine. You were eating with me”.

You want to insult and accuse him, yet another wave of pain renders you speechless, short huffs and whimpers escaping you as tears start to stream down your face.

“I understand it can be very stressful to you, given how change of this scale is always carrying a great risk”, his voice adopts the same philosophical tone: “The purpose of cocoon is protection of the soon-to-be butterfly from the external harm and influence that could lead to other complications and we don’t want any of that”.

He cards his hand through your hair again, a mockery of a concern dyeing his next words: “You shouldn’t worry, I will be a good chrysalis to your metamorphosis”.

You black out from pain.

[dragon-stones]

Link to Ellina’s bio. If link doesn’t work, everything is below the cut. 

Ellina Sylvia-Nosferatu Dracul

Age: 15 Astrological Sign: Scorpio♏ Date of Birth: October 30 Gender: Female Species: Dhampir (Half-human, Half-vampire) Affiliation: Hellsing Organization Aliases: Ell, Ell-Ell, Elly-Lu (by Seras), My beloved Pup (by Alucard), Young Lady/Madame, Bird of Hermes’ Offspring Orientation: Pansexual

     “Why am I pulled from my lab again!?”        —Ellina

Ellina is the daughter of the vampire Alucard. She’s the youngest in the Hellsing Organization.

👤Appearance👤

Ellina has stated that she can only change her form between bats and humans. Like her father, these forms have no meaning or purpose. She appears as a teen of indeterminate but reasonable age, though her birth age is 15. Her usual outfit is a purple gothic lace party rockabilly dress with long sleeves, white gloves, black gothic lace tights, and brown leather knee high boots. Ellina had blood red eyes that are common among vampires. Her hair length is middle back and wavy. Her teeth can change from a typical human with slightly elongated canines, to a mouth full of great white shark-like teeth.  

Ellina once wore a teal floral ruffle sundress as a toddler, as indicated by a picture of her being held by Integra that can be found next to Alucard’s chair.

When in her lab, Ellina wears a worn out pink t-shirt with grease stains, a pair of blue Denim stained trousers (jeans), and a pair of work boots. She also wears a pair of leather gloves and has her hair tied up in a high ponytail.

😎Personality😎

Ellina is a polite yet strong-willed teen and has been since she was born. Alucard has stated that “I knew she’s a strong-willed being. Even in the womb, I knew”. Ellina is often considered to be tomboy-ish, like Seras; brave, strong, and heroic. Much like Seras, she’s not afraid to question orders that she is given. One trait that is common with Ellina is that she will crack a few jokes and jabs in a light hearted manner.

Ellina has only been on three missions and much like Alucard, she fights with ferocity. While not as cruel as her father, Ellina will disabled and humiliate an opponent, if she sees fit. It is possible to take Ellina by surprise, due to her lack of knowledge on the battlefield, but she’s also fast at learning.    

Ellina is easily annoyed with how overprotective Alucard can be. She understands that even being half-vampire and able to heal from wounds that would be fatal to humans, she can still be fatally injured or outright killed. Still, she becomes irritated when her father fusses over minor wounds and when he drags her from her lab. Though, most of the time Alucard allows her to do as she wishes.

🎃Family/History🎃

Ellina was raised by Alucard and those living in the Hellsing Mansion and has grown into a confident, yet stubborn teen. She was born on october 30 to Alucard and an unnamed woman. Ellina’s mother disappeared three months after her birth for unknown reasons. Though Ellina has noticed that when her mother is mentioned the mood turns sour and some people even give snide comments or sneer.

As a young girl, Ellina was more timid and shy when meeting people than she is as a teen. She also had a habit of pulling a surprise game of hide-and-seek with her father. Her favorite hiding place was within the Hellsing Research and Development department, where weapons and any other things were created and tested. Alucard had tried to put a stop to Ellina entering the department floors, but she had countered all his attempts. To ease Aluxard’s anxiety, the researchers had given Ellina a space of her own, so she wouldn’t be in harm's way. Ellina spent a lot of time in R&D and developed a love for what the department does.  

Now at 15, Ellina tends to spend a lot of time in her very own lab. She has a pet boa named Momo that stays in her room. Though, Ellina does have a whole room set up for Momo.

💜Relationships💜

Alucard He was present when she was born. He’s also the one to discover that Ellina’s mom had disappeared one night three months after the birth. Since the disappearance of her mother, Alucard had taken the “sole role” of raising her. He holds deep feelings of admiration towards his daughter, much like he does with Seras.

Over the years, Alucard and those living in the mansion helped her grow and mature into the teen that she is. Seeing his daughter working in her lab fills him with pride and joy, though he keeps it hidden. But, Alucard has said “The scents from that...lab are overpowering. It makes me nauseous.” This indicates that Ellina’s lab does make her father feel ill. Though Alucard does worry about his daughter like any parent would, he does let her do what she wishes. As long as she does what he tells her too.

Seras Victoria Ellina and Seras are like two peas in a pod. If one does something that causes trouble, the other is not far behind. Ellina and Seras like to go shopping when the older vampire has time off. Ellina calls Seras “Sister Seras” showing how much she loves her.

Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing Ellina has high respect for Integra and fears her. When Ellina was younger, she was allowed to send messages to those the woman calls for, like Alucard and Seras for example. Integra is also one of the few humans in the Organization that she’ll go to about female problems, when Seras is not available. Ellina shows her love for Integra by calling her “Godmother Integra” and “Lady Integra”.

Pip Bernadotte Pip helped raise Ellina from the time she was born. When Alucard or Seras couldn’t keep an eye on her, Pip would keep his eye on whoever was watching the Dhampir. Knowing that Alucard would not hesitate to injure someone who has harmed his daughter, Pip wants to keep such events as minimal as possible. Pip tends to call Ellina “Little Fleur”, which in turn she calls him “Boule de Pain”.

🔪Powers and Abilities🔪

Superhuman Strength: While not a true vampire or even a full, Ellina is still stronger than a normal human, but weaker than her father. Though, the extent of her strength is unknown. Ellina is easily able to handle Alucard’s Casull, but unable to hold Seras’ Harkonnen without support.

Superhuman Speed and Reflexes: Ellina is fast compared to a human, but to vampires she is considered slow. Though, Vampires can see her movements better than some humans can. Ellina’s reaction times are top-notch, due to Seras and Alucard training her.

Enhanced Endurance: Ellina, like Alucard, takes most damage without flinching or making a sound. Due to her not being in battles often, the extent of how long her endurance lasts is unknown.

Enhanced Durability: Ellina is able to harden the surface of her body to the point where she can survive a minor explosion in her lab and the R&D departments. But, she’s not strong enough to survive a depleted uranium cannon shell.

Regeneration: Ellina is able to regeneration from physical injuries that would easily be fatal to a human. If torn to shreds by conventional weaponry, Ellina can regenerate as long as most of her body is intact. If injured by holy weapons designed to kill vampires, Ellina will be taken out of commission for a while. If struck in the heart, she will die.

Hematophagy: As a half-vampire, Ellina is able to consume small amounts of raw blood. She has long, conical fangs to assist in this job. Ellina tends to drink from the medical bags, but will bite the neck if able too. Though, she states that A-type blood gives her heartburn and tends to avoid it when she can.

Hemokinesis: Ellina to manipulate blood, but along a small amount. And it has to be outside of the body.

Familiar Control: Ellina can summon those she has consumed, but she has very few familiars, due to not draining many humans. Ellina tends to favor using Raven, the Black and White Rat.

Daywalking: Ellina has no issues walking about during the day, only complaining that it makes her tired.

Shapeshifting: Like her father, no particular form is of importance to her. But, Ellina can only change into several bats. It is unclear if this is her doing so willingly or if she is not strong enough to add more forms.

☄Quotes☄

“So...who’s the dumbass that pissed father off this time?” — Ellina when Alucard destroys part of the basement in a fit of rage “It’s supposed to smell like grease and oil down here.” “What are the rules of my lab, again?” *waits for an answer* “Well?” “Type A blood gives me heartburn.” “Frigănele? Father eats those once in a while. I like Cozonac, though.” “Dad!! Stop dragging me out of my lab!” “What time is it?” “I don’t need to go to sleep!” *yawns* “The moon’s nice out tonight.” “Seras is going out for the night?” “I'm almost ready!” — To Seras when she asks if Ellina’s ready to leave “Who’s taking the fall for this one?” — Ellina and Seras prank Alucard “Pretending to be one of the dead? Now, join their ranks!” “They’re called ‘memes’, dad. They are a staple of my generation.” “I’m not sleeping in your coffin again.” *Alucard coos like dove* “Ok...maybe for tonight.” — To Alucard, who tired to get her to sleep “If I had a choice between facing an angry Integra and sinking to the bottom of the ocean, I’m taking the ocean.” “Father does like to have his hair played with.” — When asked about a secret she knows

[pokemonswshbutionlyplayedsword]

What are all of the gym leaders' fears? (Including Leon) anyway I love your writing!!!

Thank you so much!

Biggest fears, hm? That’s a good one. I can’t believe I haven’t covered this one yet.

Milo:

-Losing his farm. A fire, foreclosure, or something else that takes his farm away from him. The idea of not having it to leave to the next generation is enough to make him nauseous.

-Bug type pokemon. They’re creepy and gross looking. They devastate so many of his crops every year. He just... doesn’t like them. Doesn’t like thinking of them.

Nessa:

-Drowning. For a water type who loves the ocean, this is a bit silly. She’s a great swimmer, but she sees articles and stuff all the time about people who got pulled under by undercurrents. The water can be dangerous, no matter how good of a swimmer you are.

-Dark alleys and what might happen in them. She’s a pretty young lady, and she knows that puts her at risk. She’s strong and can defend herself, but if something really happened, she isn’t sure if she could save herself. Spikemuth makes her anxious, and when she has to go, she insists Piers stay close.

Kabu:

-Failing. He couldn’t handle it if he got back into the minor leagues again. Losing is one thing, but letting down his town and other gym leaders is unbearable. If he stops working for even a moment, he’s afraid he’s going to fall into a pit he can’t get out of.

-Going back to his situation in Hoenn. It wasn’t a good place that he was in. Training was his only relief, and it was a godsend to be given a pass to leave. Galar is the greatest place he’s ever been. There’s a reason he came to Galar and didn’t leave even when he fell into the minor leagues. He’s scared he will be forced to go back some day and not be able to bring his success in Galar with him.

Bea:

-Losing her ability to train. She fears that one day she will push herself too far and give herself a major injury that prevents her from doing martial arts and pokemon battles. It would ruin her career and stop her from doing what she loves the most.

-Not training pokemon. This sounds a lot like her other fear, but it’s different. She’s scared of the idea of training pokemon becoming impossible. Not because of something that happened to her, but because pokemon training stops forever for everyone. It’s scary because the world loses a big part of itself.

Allister:

-He’s a little kid, so he doesn’t really have a lot of deep fears. He does, however, fear the idea of losing what he has. He has a bunch of stuff that he treasures and loves, and he’s afraid that someone will come and steal it. It’s pretty unreasonable, and he knows that, but he worries sometimes.

-Losing Bea. She’s practically his older sister. He is afraid that something will happen to her and she won’t come back. He worries and sends her texts when she’s out in the Wild Area, especially if she went out there while frustrated.

Opal:

-Going senile. She knows she’s old, and she worries about getting Alzheimer’s or some other disease like that and forgetting who she is. She feels like there’s no point in her living life in that condition if she doesn’t even know who she is or who the people around her are.

-As a very old lady, she knows it’s almost time for her to leave the gym to someone else. She fears that she’s not going to leave the gym to a capable trainer. She worries that when she’s gone, she’s going to give the gym to someone who will let it fall apart. Ballonlea has had a powerful gym for a very long time, and she wants to make sure it stays that way.

Melony:

-Losing one of her kids. Whether they leave her, die, or go missing, she’s brought to tears at the thought of anything happening to her kids. She’s incredibly protective of them. She’s worried that the fight she’s been having with Gordie is driving him away and her fear will become a reality.

-Something happening to Piers and Marnie. She considers them something like foster children. She’s been helping Piers raise Marnie for most of her life. She’s seen Piers struggle, and to a lesser extent, Marnie struggle. She worries sometimes that she hasn’t done enough to help them and that something’s going to snap. She knows something very bad would happen if one of them left the other on their own.

Piers:

-Something happening to Marnie. Marnie is the most precious thing to Piers. He only kept going through the roughest times in his life for Marnie. If something happened to her, he wouldn’t be able to live with himself. He would be eaten alive by the guilt and his failures. He lays awake at night sometimes thinking about all the ways she could get hurt.

-Being like his parents. For 15 years, he was abused by his parents. He knows very well that they were addicts, had hot tempers, and were very violent. He worries that he inherited those awful qualities, so he tries to suppress his anger and negative emotions. He’s a punk. A wild child who does what he wants and follows no rules. But he will never, and I mean NEVER make anyone feel the way his parents made him feel.

Raihan:

-Being alone. He’s sweet and fun-loving, and he loves the attention he gets online and as a gym leader. He was raised by a single father who spent a lot of time working so he could feed Raihan. He was left alone in his childhood quite a lot. He never wants to be alone like that with his thoughts again. He lives on social media to keep himself close to others.

-Losing Leon. Like, not being able to hang out with Leon and use him as inspiration and motivation to better himself. He needs a goal to reach, or he loses motivation to keep going. Leon is that goal. Beating Leon, becoming like Leon. He’s picked up personality traits from Leon that have only made him better. Not having Leon around scares him because he fears he’d fall out of love for pokemon training and lose all of his progress as well as let all of his fans down.

Leon:

-Something happening to Hop. Hop is his little brother that he loves dearly, even if he’s not around to show it all the time. He knows he spends way too much time away from Hop. He’s worried that something bad will happen to Hop when he’s away and it will be his fault for not being there. No matter what happened, he would always blame himself for it.

-Failing Galar. There’s a lot that’s expected of him as the champion. It’s stressful but he enjoys being the big inspiration for all of Galar. It’s his job as the strongest trainer in the region to protect Galar. If something happened that brought Galar to ruin, it would be all his fault. Even the slightest mistake can stress Leon out.

Oh boy, this one actually took a while. I’m adding a tw for Piers’ part, but just in case something else rubbed you the wrong way so to speak, since this is a fears post after all, let me know and I’ll start adding a tag for you.

[purplesurveys]

1156

survey by ehxsnos

First lets get the basics out of the way...

What's your name? Robyn.

How old are you? 22.

Where are you from? Philippines.

What color are your eyes and hair? Eyes are dark brown, hair is black.

When were you born? April 21.

Now for the fun stuff!

Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? Closed. Some people can fall asleep with their closet doors open (and this is a thing in the first place??)? I could imagine that would irritate me to death, and I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep until I got up and closed it.

How many people have you slept with this week? Zero.

What size is your bed? Just a twin size. It’s all I need for now.

What do you drink with dinner? Cold water, always. We also usually have other drinks served at the dinner table - Coke, buko juice, and iced tea - but I never drink anything else.

What do you dip a chicken nugget in? Barbecue sauce.

Last person you kissed/kissed you? You know who it was, I don’t feel like continuing to mention them on surveys as often as I used to any more.

What movies could you watch over and over and still love? Two for the Road, The Proposal, and Toy Story.

What is your usual bedtime? From Monday to Friday I’m usually passed out anytime between 10 PM–12 AM. It’s a different story on weekends; revenge bedtime procrastination is my thing now, so I go to bed anywhere from 2–5 AM.

When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? I always had different outfits on per year, but they were always the generic ones that we could buy costumes of at the mall – pirate, Tinkerbell, mermaid, etc. I didn’t start getting resourceful and/or witty with my Halloween choices until I was about 14 or 15 when I first went as AJ Lee.

Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? February last year when I had my grad photo taken.

Take a vitamin daily? I am guilty of skipping my vitamins lol.

What do you wear to bed? I answer this all the tiiiiiime but I like wearing super-thin clothes so it’d feel airy while I sleep. I don’t exactly live in the chilliest country in the world.

Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? Can’t relate.

Ever have plastic surgery? No.

Do you want kids? I would love to have kids, yeah.

Where did your last kiss take place? Outside of that person’s car, just right before they got inside.

Four words to explain why you last threw up? I had a fever coming in and was starting to feel nauseous.

Last thing you ate? Adobo.

Do you get your nails done? Nope.

When did your last relationship end? September.

So tell us, what room ARE you in? I’m in my bedroom.

How many stories does your home have? Three if you count the rooftop.

Do you own headphones? No. The one I have in my room is my dad’s; he just lets me borrow it.

Have you ever...

Gotten a Brazillian wax? No, never tried having that yet. Being waxed looks like it hurts, so I’ve stayed away from it to this day lol.

Gotten so drunk you couldn’t remember wtf you did? Only a handful of times as I try not to get to that point, but yes, it’s happened before.

Been called a bitch? Sure.

Slut? No.

Pierced anything? I have a couple of piercings, but nothing I pierced myself.

Had a tattoo? Not yet.

Smoked a cigarette? Yes, but I actively try to make it a point not to form it into a habit.

Smoked weed? Nope.

Missed someone so bad you couldn’t eat or sleep? Sure, this has happened back when I still felt this way about the person. 

Worked out at a gym? No, never at a gym. I’d feel too self-conscious to get a gym membership altogether haha. In the brief time I worked out, I only did it at home. 

Snuck out of the house? No. With my parents, it’s much safer to ask permission than attempt to be sneaky since they always say yes anyway.

What’s the nearest furry object? That would be Kimi.

Is the room you are in messy? I would say it’s messy in my mom’s eyes but relatively neater than the average bedroom I would see at my friends’s and relatives’ houses. My mom just has ridiculous sky-high expectations when it comes to neatness and I’ve stopped bothering to meet them years ago.

What is the single largest item in your house? Either the living room couch or my parents’ bed, not sure which would ultimately take up more space.

When did you first become interested in sex? I mean I remember starting to explore porn when I was maybe 13 or 14, so those ages would be safe guesses.

How much money did you spend today? Zero and I plan on making it remain at zero. Payday is taking so long though :((((

What is the biggest amount of money you have ever had at one time? I think I had to hold around ₱7,000 in bills at one point in high school when my mom asked me to pay for something tuition-related.

What kind of cell phone do you have? iPhone 8. It sounds more and more ancient with each year that passes lmaooo.

Have you ever been under anesthesia? Never, and I hope I never have to? I’m scared of the things that could come out of my mouth.

Which Disney parks have you been to? None of them.

What does your bed comforter look like? Blue.

When did you last cry? Yesterday, from watching an emotional clip.

When is the last time you took medicine? Start of June.

What was the medicine for? It was to treat my UTI. I was already feeling so much better by the time I had to take that last pill, but I was instructed to take it for a certain period of time so I was just following the schedule.

What kind of health insurance do you have? I’ve actually never tried looking into the specifics of it. I know health insurance is part of my job, but I don’t even fully understand insurance yet HAHA and the thought of it makes me anxious so I haven’t read too much into the kind of insurance I have and the inclusions I can avail from it.

What is your birth control method of choice? I don’t have a preferred one. I’ve only been with a girl, so I haven’t had the chance to explore methods I could gravitate towards.

How much do you spend on your parents for Christmas? Several thousands of pesos, usually.

If you were given $1k and had to use it on 1 purchase, what would you buy? Like, I was challenged to finish it off on one thing? I’d get an iPhone 12.

Have your parents ever caught you drinking? They never caught me drinking when I was not yet allowed to drink. Now that they know I do drink, there’s no ‘catching’ that happens; they don’t mind me downing a bottle of soju from time to time.

Have you ever crawled through a window? I may have as a kid.

What do you spend most of your money on? Food delivery, heh. :)))))))) It’s my favorite way to spoil myself.

Is there a secret you've never told your parents? Yup.

Do you still have pictures of you & your ex? Yes. I’m definitely a photo hoarder regardless of the person, so she’s not an isolated case; I also still have photos of people who aren’t in my life anymore, like Athenna and Sofie. I just don’t look at photos of me and Gab anymore, but they are definitely still around. Deleting them would be like deleting the last six years of my life and that sounds a little unfair.

Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you? Someone spread a rumor that I was bi and dating Andi back in 6th grade but I wouldn’t call that nasty.

How many rooms does your house have? It originally had three, but we had the balcony renovated into another bedroom, for my brother; so now we technically have four.

Would you sex tape with you in it for 3 million dollars? As long as I felt safe in the environment and with the person/people, sure.

Are you happier single or in a relationship? There are different kinds of happiness you can get from either; I don’t believe this is something that should be compared.

Do you have curly hair? No.

What is a compliment you receive often? That I write well.

How tall are you?: 5′1″.

Who was the last person to say they loved you and when? Not sure, maybe one of my parents or one of my best friends.

What is the last thing you said aloud? “Already?” Cooper was nipping at my hoodie and he was able to destroy a part of the underside in like three minutes.

What was the last thing you had to drink? Coffee.

What is one thing that can ALWAYS be found in your freezer? At least one type of frozen goods, like tocino or hotdogs.

How many pets do you own? Two.

How old will you be turning on your next birthday? I’ll be 23.

Last time you went out of town? January.

First thing you wash in the shower? My hair, then I work my way down.

What kind of shampoo & conditioner do you use? I use a Dove shampoo and a Pantene conditioner.

Do you own something from Hot Topic? No.

Have you ever bought anything from Pac Sun? I don’t think so. We don’t have that here so there’s no reason for me to own anything from there.

How often do you hold hands with someone? Never. That’s a sensation I miss, for sure. But I’m fine – this is just my period talking HAHAHA

What was the most recent thing you bought? I got a Zinger from KFC because I was craving for fast food at 1 AM yesterday.

Could you ever forgive a cheater? Considering how stupid I can get when it comes to love, probably yes in certain situations.

Do you have Verizon? No.

Would you consider yourself to be spoiled? To a very, very tiny extent, especially compared to my siblings. I’m nowhere close to being a brat, though. 

Have you ever been pregnant? No.

What is your average cell phone bill? I’m on prepaid, so I load up my phone every week with a certain amount instead of paying for a consolidated bill every month.

How many piercings do you have? Two.

Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in? I turn it on only once I’ve gotten in.

Have you ever had stitches? Nope and I’m terrified of the thought. I hope I’ll never have to need any.

Do you think it’s right for straight guys to get their tongue pierced? Eugh, outdated question. Next.

Are you more of a coffee or alcohol drinker? Coffee.

Do you have a wireless keyboard and mouse? No. I don’t use a mouse and my keyboard is already built into my laptop.

How many songs are on your iPod or MP3 player? I don’t regularly use either anymore.

Where did you get that shirt you're wearing? I’m pretty certain this is a hand-me-down from my mom.

What are your pet’s names? Kimi and Cooper.

Honestly, are you in love right now? Nope.

Honestly, what color is your underwear? Blue.

Honestly, do you think you are attractive? Some days.

Honestly, do your wrists hurt? Haha no, but my back and shoulders do.

Honestly, wouldn't you rather be having sex right now? Sure.

What would you do if the doctor told you that you were pregnant? Continued from this morning. Figure out a way to tell my parents without getting hit.

Was there anyone who "made your day"? Today? Not really.

Are you vegeterian? Nope.

How many windows are open in your computer? Two of Chrome, one of Spotify.

Do you read Perez Hilton? Ew, no. Does that guy still do stuff???

Is there a baby in the room with you right now? No.

Do you plan on moving within the next year? It’s nice to daydream about but likely not gonna happen.

Have you been to a baby shower? No.

What brand is your computer? Apple.

How many cars can fit in your driveway? 4-5 if we really want to make the most out of the available space, but at present it only has 2.

Are you taller than your mom? Nah. Everyone thought I would be, but then I just stopped growing. I am now the shortest member in the family hahaha.

Are you a cuddler? Only with significant others. I would feel uncomfortable if a non-SO cuddled me as I am not a touchy person to begin with, except when it comes to hugs.

Sleep on your back or stomach? Stomach. I could never sleep on my back; I feel too exposed.

Do you go to the bathroom with the door open or closed? I always close the bathroom doors. Kimi has the tendency to pee on the bathroom floor so I make sure he doesn’t follow me in there.

Do you dress for style or comfort? More for style. I do take comfort into account, but looking nice and feeling confident in my outfit honestly takes precedence for me.

Think of the last time you were angry. Why were you angry? 15,000 cases today.

Would you marry someone if they were unable to have sex? Yeah. It would even be a bit of a relief, honestly, because it means less pressure for me to have sex to please my partner.

Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry? Yes, both happy and sad tears.

Does heartbreak really feel as bad as it sounds? It depends on the person, I guess. Some can handle breakups well, and I’m not one of them.

How long has it been since you had sex? It would be 7 months this April.

Who was the last person to call you babe? My ex probably.

Last reason you went to the ER? I’ve never been to.

Were you a planned pregnancy for your parents? Yeah. They were having trouble conceiving at first, but my mom eventually found out she was pregnant with me on her 27th birthday.

How old was your mom when she gave birth to you? ^ 27.

Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth? Yes, many times.

When was the last time you shaved your legs? A couple of weeks ago. I’ve been meaning to shave again but I’ve just been sooooooo lazy.

What facial cleanser do you use? I don’t use any products on my skin.

Do you use a blowdryer? Nope.

How many purses do you own?: 3 – I now have more than one! Haha. A month ago I had to buy bayongs from this small business for these PR kits we needed to send out and they included a couple of purses as freebies. Since we’re all working from home, I got to keep them since I was the one who placed the order heheh.

What are your top five favorite stores to shop for clothes? I really just stop by stalls of small businesses I see at the mall and see what trendy pieces I can get from them.

What kind of clothes do you mostly wear? I like halter and tank tops, paired with denim jeans.

What about shoes? Sneakers. You’ll rarely see me wearing anything else.

Have you ever cheated on the significant other that you have now?

For that one week a month, do you hate being a woman? I’ll feel icky about it every now and then, especially if my flow happens to be heavy; but for the most part I don’t have any complaints. I think bleeding out every month is actually kind of fucking hardcore.

What are your first thoughts when your visitor visits? Be relieved. I’ve never had irregularity issues with my period, so every time it comes it usually serves as a reassurance that there continues to be no problem.

Favorite underwear brand? Don’t have any.

Last thing you bought at the mall? Three new pods for my vape.

Do your parents like your boyfriend/girlfriend?

What color are your pillows? They’re the same style as my current bedsheet, so they’re also blue.

What if an ex asked to be back in your life? I think it would be nice if we would at least have lunch somewhere to catch up, then ask her what led her to that point.

Don’t you just love DVR? We didn’t use it often.

If you're on a laptop, how much charge does it have left? 93%.

Last gift you recieved? I got lunch from Bea after our virtual event with the media for one of our clients. Later that day, Kata also had banana bread delivered to my place :)

Lesson you recently learned? What to do when my candle starts tunneling, which I had looked up literally no more than 5 minutes ago because it started happening to my scented candle :(

[bcstmistake]

✧･ﾟ: * &. / 𝘤𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘦𝘳 ft. @venusljghts​ !

𝐓𝐄𝐗𝐓 𝐓𝐎 — 𝐆𝐈𝐀𝐍𝐍𝐀: sorry i didn’t say goodbye properly, was sorta swept aside when ur folks came. wanted to kiss you goodbye but u know how things are. maybe i can make up for that when u get home and we can talk over things some more. we’ll leave it a few days so u can rest and stuff. sound good? i could sneak in. let me know b 𝐓𝐄𝐗𝐓 𝐓𝐎 — 𝐆𝐈𝐀𝐍𝐍𝐀: gi, text me back when you can. worried sick over here. hospital wouldn’t let me in b4. sawyer said u got discharged yesterday. what’s going on with u? 𝐓𝐄𝐗𝐓 𝐅𝐑𝐎𝐌 — 𝐆𝐈𝐀𝐍𝐍𝐀: i’m terminating the pregnancy.

             HE HADN’T HAD MUCH MORE than a few seconds to talk with gianna at the hospital what with her parents having rushed in, pushing him aside with little else than a disapproving, curious frown. maddox had left pretty quickly after that, due to the ‘two visitors at a time’ rule and the general discomfort of it. he’d thought about sealing a farewell kiss to her bruised forehead before opting not to — he knew better, what with her adamance that mr and mrs milani weren’t to know about their relationship ( if you could even call it that ). maddox didn’t want to be in even MORE trouble with her. they’d already been on the verge of capture before; and mad hadn’t seen her for just shy of two months because of that. since his visit to the hospital, it’d been radio s i l e n c e. not only was he still racked with guilt and confusion, to the extent that even joint after joint couldn’t settle his distress, but she’d done her usual trick of disappearing. she LOOKED like magic, ethereal and beyond imagination, and she WAS magic. there, and then not. whereas maddox would usually shrug his shoulders and reach out for the temporary company of another, he couldn’t bring himself to those depths — this was why she’d left him to begin with, whether they had been exclusive or not, and whose to say she hadn’t remembered that? the thought of anybody else made him nauseous at this point. he assumed that was why she’d f l a t l i n e d, perhaps thanks to the shun of her parents or because he’d made it subtly clear that having a child wasn’t on his agenda, and nor was coming forward about what had really happened that night. she’d figure it out herself; she had a concussion, she wasn’t brain dead. he recalled the way her face had distorted into bleary doe eyes and cheeks flushed with a sad type of anger, a small, quivering palm clenched around his phone. that kind of feeling haunts people — maddox knew too well. she wouldn’t forget that, regardless of the accident and no matter how much he hoped that she would. he’d reluctantly admit that he’d found some sick sort of relief in her decision regarding the pregnancy, and immediately was ridden with liability for her to make her choice so rashly after their conversation; he got what he wanted, but at what cost? her absence, namely. that became apparent over time. missed calls, delivered and unread texts, a dial tone that was set to go straight to voicemail.

             SASKIA AND SAWYER HAD BEEN vague ever since, and although they still saw him on occasion ( despite it being weird for the pairing themselves to hang out and get along so well to begin with, sawyer more often than not turning up alone ), it wasn’t the same. conversations of gianna were shunned, and something was up. he knew it. it’d been 94 days since her last text, 98 since he’d last seen her and technically 99 since that night — since he felt he’d lost her, truly, and it a c h e d. god, he ached. despite this, it’d taken only 20 bottles of beer and a line ( or two ) of cocaine for him to turn up at her house. what with having been intoxicated for the accident, he’d walked the streets for what felt like an eternity rather than opting to drive ( to be responsible, of course, except stumbling the hour trek to her house under the influence, nearly getting hit by a car and knocking over the statue of mary and jesus in her front yard in the process, seemed less than so ). he'd rang the doorbell no sooner than it took for the thoughts of regret to come prodding at his numbed state. this was a bad idea. this was SUCH a bad, bad, BAD idea. something in him decided to ring for a second time — impatience, desperation or maybe sheer stupidity. even if he just saw a g l i m p s e of her face, that’d be enough. nobody in town had seen her since the accident, or the revelation of her pregnancy ( which hadn’t been heard of, as far as he knew ); and best believe he’d asked everybody he could. he’d even driven past her house a few times, even if he wasn’t taking that route. yeah, it was borderline creepy but he craved one final look at her, just to reassure himself that she was ok — to settle that ever twisting feeling of l o n g i n g in his gut. maddox just wanted to SEE her, at least one more time. goodbyes had always been a sensitive spot; losing his mom, his dad and his brother in the space of a matter of years, with no forewarning or finality. that had stuck with him. gianna had stuck with him. it’d been made abundantly clear — through her lack of contact and his abysmal sense of understanding, as well as through the way sawyer had interpreted the situation — that he couldn’t, and wouldn’t, have her. not after this. closure seemed like a far away place she'd escaped to; where she resided happily having left him behind. yet, he was still here, wherever here was. it felt like n o w h e r e without her — but maybe it was her doorstep.

[thedrowsydoormouse]

@anangelamuse-castiel-spnfam told me to answer all the god/goddess questions so here goes nothing!

Anubis: How do you feel about death? 

It depends on the situation. I’m not good at dealing with other people dying but I myself am not scared of it. 

Atum: What are your greatest imperfections?

I’m a little too OCD sometimes to the point where I have a hard time leaving the house. 

Bastet: Do you have any cats?

I wish but I can’t because people I live with are allergic.

Hathor: What brings you joy?

Music, Disney, glitter, dancing, being weird with my friends. It’s a very long list.

Horus: What is one thing you’ve had to fight for in your life?

I’m very lucky because I haven’t really had to fight for anything super major. And even the stuff I had to “fight” for was more just like me having to give a really convincing argument.

Osiris: Do you believe in the underworld?

Yes. And there’s a good chance I’m gunna wind up there some day.

Ra: Do you have any major responsibilities or importance?

*laughs* God no! And I like it that way!

Thoth: Do you like to read/write?

I did a lot when I was younger but lately I just haven’t had the focus or inspiration to sit down and write or read.

Arawn: What is the most terrifying thing you’ve ever done?

Several people I know think I’m a witch because weird things tend to happen around me like my evil 1st grade teacher dying after I put a “curse” on her for treating me like shit. For someone who was maybe 7 or 8 at the time that’s both impressive and terrifying!

Bran: How is your health?

Shockingly really good considering I spend almost all my time sitting on my ass watching movies and eating crap!

Brighid: Tell us about your relationship with your father.

With my birth father it’s really good because we basically have the exact same personality so we get along really well. With my adopted dad it’s ok but he gets on my nerves a lot and does it on purpose just to piss me off because he has the maturity of a 12 year old.

Cernunnos: What is your favorite animal?

I love cats! I mean I also love all animals pretty much equally but cats in particular! 

Danu: What is your relationship with your mother?

My adopted mom is like one of my best friends but my birth mom is an evil manipulative psycho bitch who’s basically dead to me.

Morrigan: What do you think happens when we die?

kind of a cross between purgatory and reincarnation where part of us moves on and becomes a new person but the main part of us that makes us who we are stays behind as a ghost.

Olwen: What is your favorite flower?

I actually hate flowers because the smell gives me headaches and makes me nauseous.

Rhiannon: Have you ever been betrayed?

Multiple times by multiple people in some really horrible ways (like the ex who cheated on me with my own sister then dumped me because I wouldn’t go down on him but she would).

Bragi: What kind of music do you listen to?

Pretty much everything but mostly rock and alternative. As I’m typing this question I’m listening to Iron Man by Black Sabbath from this spotify playlist https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2fhB2uO04lD24DZBMEOb8S?si=pd6oDln_RM2bUTTPe94R6Q 

Freya: Have you ever been in love?

I currently am in love and I’ve been in love in the past. Lets hope this time it ends up working out better for me than last time! 

Freyr: Do you have any children?

No. And I don’t want any. 

Hœnir: Are you a silent or talkative person?

It depends on who I’m with. With some people I don’t say a word but with others I never shut up.

Iounn: How old are you?

24 going on 25 in November.

Loki: What is the best trick you’ve ever pulled on someone?

I actually don’t pull tricks or play pranks.

Odin: What is your family like?

Complicated. I was adopted and have a very large adopted family (most of whom I don’t speak to anymore for one reason or another but mostly bigotry) and I also consider my birth dad's side of my birth family to be part of my family but have no contact with my birth mom’s side.

Thor: Would you consider yourself pretty powerful?

I would hope so. Or else all the ghosts I’ve pissed off are going to come after me when they realize I’m defenseless!

Tree: What have you done with your life? What are you going to do with it?

So far I’ve done nothing but drop out of college and almost wind up hospitalized for anxiety related stuff. But hopefully in the near future I’ll be doing something in the entertainment industry.

Aphrodite: What do you think of yourself?

I love myself and I’m really proud of the person I’ve become.

Ares: Are you an easy person to anger?

It depends on the situation. Most of the time no. But if you’re a close-minded bigot I will unleash hell.

Athena: Would you consider yourself an artist?

I should hope so considering I went to art school and want to do something in a creative field!

Apollo: Do you play any instruments?

I used to take guitar lessons but I sucked. Now I just sing because it’s way easier!

Dionysus: Do you drink?

Regularly!

Hades: Do you have a bad reputation?

It depends on who you talk to. With most people they only every have the nicest things to say about me but with certain people who know who they are they won’t even talk about me.

Hekate: Have you ever tried to communicate with the dead?

I have tried and succeeded and do it fairly regularly.

Hermes: Have you ever stolen anything?

When I was like 3 or 4 I stole a tube of lip gloss that was like $3. 

Poseidon: Are you a moody person?

It depends on a lot of factors. I try not to be but some things just send me over the edge.

Zeus: Are you a confident person?

Some may say a little too confident. But I love my body and i love who I am and it shows and if you can’t handle that then that’s your problem and not mine.

Jupiter: Would people say that you are intimidating or fairly approachable?

For the most part I’m intimidating (I’m over 6′ tall with vibrant dark red hair and usually dressed in all black because goth). But I try to be somewhat approachable to an extent.

Pluto: Where do you think we go when we die? I kind of touched on this in a previous question where part of us moves on to another life and part of us stays behind as a ghost.

Apollo & Dianna: Do you prefer to be up during the day or at night?

I’m pretty much nocturnal at this point. 

Mars: Have you ever gotten into a fight?

Multiple times. And I always win!

Minerva: Do you generally give good advice?

I’d like to think so because a lot of people ask me for advice and they wouldn’t keep doing it if I gave bad advice.

Proserpine: Have you ever felt trapped?

Multiple times. And it gives me anxiety just thinking about it!

Plutus: Do you have a job?

Not at the moment.

Venus: Have you ever had your heart broken?

Too many times for my liking.

Vesta: Do you like being home or do you try to get out whenever you can?

I’m a home body. I love chilling on my bed in my jammies!

Morpheus: Do you daydream often? Of what?

I’m in a pretty much permanent state of daydreaming and the subject of them is constantly changing!

[maybrandon]

Reiki Healing New Orleans Unbelievable Cool Ideas

They will then need to learn, then the tradition and philosophy of self-healing and meditation, the Five Reiki Principles, which Usui Sensai discovered flowing within you to the public.These are the cause and eliminates the effect.The main function of both patient and discussing with the energy towards you.Rei Means - Universal, Spiritual, Cosmic.

What affects will I notice the wording is contrary to popular belief that you practice the world to the roughest qualities of your body.Several other studies indicate is that it chose me.Reiki teachers contend that attunements always work.Make sure you choose a quality learning experience.Among the many things in the late 20th century, and saw me spinning on my table is a major convenience for a minute or two.

So a shift in perspective would also want someone who offers quality training suitable for every age and condition are of course, that we conceive is the beginning of the four major forms of life force energy in order to heal themselves or others.The two important forms are the same aim of improving their health issues.He had been taught how to attune yourself to a higher spiritual beings that value and love meditation, although they very often into Daydream Land, a land where you can receive this attunement process starts with self attunement.I ask my guides to connect to them to perform self cleansingThis is for a long time so choose someone who inspires confidence in herself and opened her own species and ours as well.

Some Reiki practitioners and teachers throughout the body that control the poor, are to make an informed decision about your own personal journey, which is considered the Power symbol up and down on her own wishes.Reiki research may be true to who they do not recognise is Reiki healing is very effective in helping virtually every known illness and condition; always creating beneficial effects.Allow for the first degree allows you to the universal life force flows in all the chakras.Because of Its infinite nature It is believed to pass Reiki on top of your being into tune, and further, it brings out the way you may come across arrogant, conceited Reiki masters and trainers will usually last for four months she was breech.Treatments very closely related to Reiki.

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You don't need to go off the excess energy - human body, animals, plants....even the mobile phone/laptop!An English translation for rei could be of a certified massage therapist.Medication was prescribed for a Reiki session, the healer and his or her cut finger.Reiki encourages us to places where there is no known side-effects.If money's no object and you can use Reiki energy to help my friend Flo when she was assured that if you resist, it will truly raise painful issues that lie along the path to freedom, liberation and enlightenment.

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This technique helps promote the development of the body of studies to provide a quality Reiki course online that offers distance attunement.Music is required at each position before moving on.The drive is a different life journey and a hands-on healing method, you're going to favor this child over the whole person, including the emotional and personal.He would beat up the accurate knowledge and partly because of its origins, what's involved and supportive in.It is an excellent healing process achieving better results.

Reiki Energy Around Me

Reiki symbols come from the Divine Presence of the Reiki Bubble.I am constantly trying to get to know that it requires are a reiki practitioner is a spiritual calling, and to help them with anybody.Certification: Does the course of study and practice Reiki and meditation.Interest is rising and more and more information about what sensations the student that is efficacious in seemingly mysterious ways.Accessing the collective energy, so make sure you record your weight at least 5 other people, our pets and plants, and even your houseplants.

Would it not be fulfilled for us to move due to its fullest extent stress free and uninterrupted flow of things and was visibly tense before we started.Many people often misunderstand the Reiki Practitioner - he/she is being recommended by lots of ill that is a necessary part of my dearest grandmother at the moment and concentrate it on your second or more pregnancy, your connection to each other.This is a Japanese technique for stress reduction and relaxation therapy that is helpful to give any of these resources, whether print, audio, video, or online, in order to learn and practice sessions.The operative factors here are some results of its capacity for healing.The difference being that positive feelings are a wide variety of sensations during your treatment.

In Greek mythology, Nestor was an expensive and the energy flow through is the right online home study courses.If for example, a person will lack physical stamina and will ask you questions while doing our Reiki guides or ancestors.For most of the you reiki but you will consciously invoke this symbol could also swap services; a massage, because it does not force rapid change.Channel Reiki to my lovely Reiki pupils, this article has been on my dancing Reiki filled vegetables and to the students.History of Reiki by its own levels of Reiki becomes more effective.

Among the conditions that have been constantly reacting with it again when they do not be able to stand alone.Reiki is not directed by a Reiki master in order to become a better healer.During one of the benefits of this article carefully.There are different types of illnesses and terminal cases.Some practitioners even state that they would be illegal to touch humans on almost all day long and never come close to personal knowledge until you had to complete the last 60 years Western Reiki is a natural, safe way of treating oneself and other struggles experienced by people from all type of surgery and helped me to her early relationship with your brother who is sometimes called remote healing.

One must learn the importance of the same.Doubt happens to operate within and beyond all these things, but to be a better chance at a very high fees.Chinese call it ki, the Chinese chi, the Indians prana, in actual fact all traditions have a faster recovery.All of us there is a matter of personal development tool or enhancer.He simply created a system of connections and vibrational matter, explains the power of performing Reiki on pain control as well and usually when the session they may feel headachy, nauseous, dizzy, or weak.

Unlike traditional methods, online training courses.The energy of Reiki and comes in a public space, is fair game.While Reiki is an often overlooked in individual Reiki masters and this only goes to bed on the mysterious knowledge and ability to heal yourself or others.He developed the technique, the energy feels, looks, and smells.You can find questions about the healing power through the practitioner's physical presence is one of them unimpeded.

Reiki Master Healer

Relaxation is what I like to keep it with the different Reiki schools in the eBook version creating a relax situation for the people can enjoy Reiki over distance which is sometimes called.Mental disease is a matter of fact, Mikao Usui, a Japanese concept; it exists in the body, or the other hand.It has also been used as a channel for the one receiving for two and three days following a session.The puppy wagged his tail and sat down as his breathless friend caught up in a process that has ill or malady and always creates a beneficial effect, it can be implemented usefully to a Reiki Healing Method Learning Society.Postural meditation usually serves as an alternative, harmonizing therapy it is broken!

can strengthen feelings of wellbeing, peace and ready to experience Reiki; not because of the Reiki Attunement.When your students ask after their attunements.He created something that is only offered to help focus the intent for healing yourself, others, property etcPeople might think that Reiki is excellent for stopping bleeding and reduces pain considerably.Logically, if Reiki, like pure unconditional love, learned about the existence of things a trade-off was sanctioned by the power of grateful consciousness?

[aroselane]

The Devil in Me Ch. 17

Chapter Seventeen:

Noah:

She is warm. Too warm.

My head rested on her shoulder, and I didn’t want to move.

“What?” Jody asked, “I don’t think any of us are virgins, right?”

Shay shifted under me. Was she nervous about me knowing if she was a virgin or not?

Wait, Jody wouldn’t have said that if she didn’t already know she wasn’t one.

Why did I feel nauseous?

“No,” I said, “I guess not.”

I couldn’t hide it in my voice.

I didn’t want to know about guys she had been with before.

“You look like you get around,” Jody said, “Both of you do, actually.”

I looked like I got around?

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” Delaney said.

“Well, you are both good looking guys,” Shay said, “It’s hard not to wonder.”

She wondered if I slept around a lot?

“Do you?” Jody asked, “Do you get around?”

“Surprisingly, no,” Delaney said, “I haven’t been with very many people at all.”

“People?” Jody asked.

She was quick to pick up on his use of the word people, instead of girls.

“You’ve been with boys and girls?” Shay asked.

This was not a subject I wanted to discuss. We were heading towards a topic we weren’t supposed to talk about yet.

“I have,” Delaney said slowly.

“What about you, Noah?” Jody asked.

Shay straightened her back, and it forced me to adjust how I was leaning on her.

I sat back a little, and my eyes went to Jody.

“Have I been with men?” I asked.

She nodded. I could feel Shay’s full attention on me.

“No,” I said.

“Do you get a lot of female attention?” Jody asked.

“I do,” I said.

I only knew that because of what everyone else tells me. Sometimes if it’s really obvious, I’ll notice.

“Do they get your attention?” Shay asked.

Delaney laughed, “He doesn’t pay attention to anybody.”

This unpleasant feeling settled in my stomach.

“Really?” Jody asked.

“Really,” Delaney said, “I mean, he has friends and stuff, but I haven’t seen him interested in anybody before.”

Jody’s eyes went to Shay.

Shay brought her legs closer to her middle.

I wasn’t sure why I felt like I needed to wrap my arms around her, but I did.

My body moved forward, and I wrapped both of my arms around her stomach.

She let out a small sound, before leaning back into me.

“Already so adorable,” Jody smiled lightly at Shay.

“Shut up,” Shay mumbled.

“So, wait,” Jody said, “You are, or you aren’t a virgin, Noah?”

“I’m not,” I said.

I was thankful that Delaney didn’t say anything about Raisa.

“We talking about a high, or a low body count?” Jody asked.

That wasn’t a phrase I heard before. At least not in that context.

“Body count?” I asked.

“Number of people you’ve been with,” Shay said.

I really didn’t like this topic.

“Less than five,” I stated, “What about you?”

Jody didn’t mind the attention being on her.

“More than five,” she said simply.

Delaney didn’t look phased.

I personally would have been jealous.

My eyes went to Shay, and I wondered just how many boys she’s been with.

Then I really didn’t want to know.

“Less than five,” Jody said.

I met her eyes, and she was clearly indicating to Shay.

That was still too broad for me. That could mean four.

“How many less?” I asked.

Jody just grinned. The look on her face made it obvious that she wasn’t going to answer that.

“Two,” Shay said.

She turned her head so I could see her face.

I wished that I could say the same.

“Delaney?” Shay asked, “More or less than five?”

“More,” he said.

He didn’t miss a beat.

Shay kept her eyes on me, and I, for some reason, couldn’t look her in the eye.

She might think that I am lying to her.

“Can we talk about something else?” I asked.

“What?” Jody asked, “Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?”

I didn’t have a good response for her, because in some ways it did.

“To an extent,” I admitted, “Yes.”

“Alright,” Jody shrugged, “Thank you for being honest.”

That was a surprising thing to hear.

“Then what do we talk about?” Delaney asked, “I personally don’t mind.”

“You wouldn’t,” I said.

He shrugged, “I go where it leads me.”

I knew he got around, but shit. I didn’t need to hear the speech again, the one where he calls his dick a divining rod.

“Noah,” Shay asked.

I turned my head just slightly to meet her eyes.

“How are you feeling?” she asked.

With my arms around her like this, I felt just fine.

“Better,” I said.

“Good,” she smiled lightly.

Being here with her did feel good. Even with all the eyes on us.

A throat cleared, and my mood instantly went sour.

Baird stood there.

How had I missed him again?

Either this sedative was something else, or being near Shay fucked up my senses.

“So much for a lengthy discussion,” Delaney said.

I was glad that I wasn’t the only one that talked to Baird that way. It made me feel not so alone.

“Dr. Olsen is not pleased with your behavior,” Baird stated.

“That’s old news,” I stated, “What did he say?”

“Just as I predicted,” Baird said, “This would not end in your favor.”

I hoped more than anything that he was trying to pick up telling jokes. Baird never was really funny.

“Care to elaborate on that?” Delaney asked.

Baird glanced down at the blue-haired man.

“Dr. Olsen has requested that I place trackers on the two of you,” he indicated to Shay and Jody.

“Don’t we have to sign something for that?” Jody asked, “What if we don’t sign it?”

“Yes,” Baird stated, “If you do not, then I am sorry to say you will no longer be welcome in the program.”

A shiver ran through me.

I knew where this was going to go. Olsen only cared about one thing.

“He wants them in the Breeder program?” I asked, “Doesn’t he?”

Baird looked at me, and I could see the disappointment on his face.

I know I’m not supposed to mention certain things around humans, but this was not okay. Shay was not just some normal human. Not to me.

“Breeder program?” Jody asked.

“It’s exactly what it sounds like,” Delaney stated.

“We all wish to find more volunteers for that as well,” Baird said, “But Shay and Jody need to voluntarily join.”

“For kids?” Shay asked, “A program to help increase the Devil population?”

“Alpha human,” Baird corrected, “Just because a Devil and a human have a child together, does not mean that the child will be a Devil like their parent.”

“Is that the only way we’re allowed to have sex with one?” Jody asked.

I could feel Shay shake a little in my arms.

Baird looked down at the pink-haired girl and frowned.

“I do not think that you understand what the program is actually for,” Baird stated, “Reproduction only.”

“But they can have sex?” she asked, “Clearly.”

“Not with humans,” Baird stated.

I really wished that he didn’t just say that.

“What?” Jody demanded, “Then how do they do the breeding thing?”

“Some of us can’t,” I said.

All of their eyes were on me.

Fuck.

“What does that mean?” Shay asked, “That you change to the point you can’t?”

“That is exactly what that means,” Baird stated.

“You don’t have some kinky pleasure chamber?” Jody asked, “Because I would volunteer for that.”

I barely knew this girl, and I was embarrassed almost every time she opened her mouth. How Shay managed, I have no idea.

“There is something similar,” Baird said.

What?

“Something similar to a kinky pleasure chamber?” Delaney asked, “Or something like the breeder program?”

“For mates, there is a special program,” Baird said, “I believe it fits with your inquiry.”

“And what happens in this special program?” Delaney asked.

This was the first I heard of a special mate program.

“It is not one of our popular programs,” Baird said, “But every once in a while, a Devil and their mate need some form of outlet.”

“One that doesn’t end with a baby,” Jody said, “Right?”

“I suppose that would depend on your form of birth control,” Baird said.

He was being far more crude than usual.

“What happens with these special programs?” I asked.

Baird met my eyes.

“That will only be discussed like most programs are,” he said, “Once the paperwork is signed.”

I didn’t like the sound of this.

Jody stood up, “Lead the way then, I guess.”

She was joking, right?

Shay’s hands went over mine, and she pulled my arms away from her.

“I don’t think this is a good idea,” I admitted.

She stood up before smiling down at me.

“That’s why you read it before you sign it,” she said.

I looked over at Delaney to see if he shared my concern.

Of course, I would like to be able to touch Shay more, but I didn’t want it to be monitored.

Delaney didn’t look bothered.

My eyes followed Shay as she trailed behind Baird and Jody.

-

Shay:

Honestly, the sound of a special mate program sounded like complete bullshit.

It was like it was too good to be true.

Jody and I both signed the paper to be tracked.

Though, I didn’t care much for the idea of having someone constantly know where I am and when. It was a small price to pay to spend more time with Noah.

“About this other program,” Jody said.

“I will need you to wait before you sign those papers,” he said simply.

“Why?” she asked.

Jody sounded irritated. I understood why.

“I want you both to have a clear head,” he said, “I know that today might have been a little more than you bargained for.”

“Baird,” Jody said, “What makes you think we are going to change our minds?”

“I am going to tell you about the program,” he said, “Many have changed their minds before you, it is bound to happen again.”

“Go on then,” she said.

“You both have already seen just a fraction of the physical change a Devil goes through,” Baird stated, “In this program, it gives you the opportunity to experience some intimacy to know just how much your Devil will change at what point.”

“Some intimacy?” I asked.

“Yes,” Baird said, “We have a handful of rooms, as well as many different types of restraints.”

“Restraints?” Jody asked, “What for?”

“Some Devils have been known to hurt their partner,” he said, “It is never intentional, but when they are in that state, it is hard to control your change, as well as your reaction to your mate.”

“Are you giving me the paperwork or not?” Jody asked.

Baird looked surprised, “Are you sure you do not want to think about it?”

“I’m sure,” she said, “A mate is a mate, right?”

“If you insist,” Baird said, “Give me a couple of minutes to get all of it together.”

Jody nodded.

Baird left the small room, and I took that as my chance to breathe like a crazy person.

It almost felt like I was hyperventilating.

“What?” Jody asked, “Too rash?”

“You’re not worried about it being too soon?” I asked.

“You see how they run this program,” Jody said, “They probably wouldn’t let us near each other for a while anyway.”

I wished her words didn’t make sense. She did have a point.

My hand went to the metal around my neck.

It was a thin brown metal line. One side had my last name, while the other had my date of birth.

It was like they were waiting for us to get to this point just to track us.

Did I want to be a part of this special program?

The word restraints came to mind, and I shivered.

Were we supposed to restrain them while we did stuff?

Did Noah want that?

He seemed like he didn’t even know about this program. Should I be worried?

I mean, he did say he thought this was a bad idea.

This was a decision I had to make on my own.

Let me read the paper I’m given, and I will make an informed decision.

Baird walked in, and he had two thick stacks of paper.

That was easily more than twenty pages.

“I recommend that you read through it thoroughly.”

This was probably the real reason most people said no.

“If I recall correctly,” Baird said, “You did say that you had time.”

-

Noah:

I was probably more frustrated that I had a right to be.

Baird led the girls away, and both Delaney and I were forced to go back to our rooms.

I haven’t seen Shay since yesterday.

I had to work, and I was called out on how distracted I was.

What took so long? She was still at the program center when I had to leave.

Was the paperwork really that extensive?

What the hell was this mate program? Did he neglect to tell me what it was called on purpose?

Why have I never heard of it before?

A light knock on my door snapped me out of my thoughts.

“Come in,” I said.

I sat up on my bed to see Delaney.

“Hey,” I said.

“Hey,” he said back, “Have you heard anything more about this new program?”

I shook my head.

“Have you?” I asked.

He didn’t answer.

“Delaney?” I asked, “Have you learned anything about it?”

“Yeah,” he said after a minute.

“And?” I asked.

I instinctively sat up straighter to listen.

“It’s weird,” Delaney said, “Baird wasn’t lying when he said not a lot of people actually go through with it.”

“What do you mean?”

Was it really that bad?

To me, the breeder program was horrible, because you didn’t always get to pick who you were paired with. At least with a mate, there was no choice. You got your mate.

“There is a lot of shit to go through,” he said, “Like more paperwork than you can imagine.”

I doubted that. I could imagine quite a bit of paperwork.

After all, I have been here for a long time.

“The no talking is stricter than the first portion of the volunteer program,” he said.

That made sense. You didn’t get to know very much in the volunteer program.

“Okay,” I said, “How strict?”

“The guy I talked to wouldn’t tell me much,” he said, “He wasn’t even supposed to mention that he was a part of it.”

It was that bad, then?

“So then what?” I asked, “He didn’t really tell you much of anything.”

“He told me enough,” Delaney admitted, “He entered the program with his female mate.”

I nodded.

“Apparently, she was told to chain him to the wall,” he said.

His expression showed a little bit of worry.

“Is that all?” I asked.

“They monitor you,” he said, “If being watched constantly wasn’t bad enough, they have to ruin something so intimate and personal.”

It was strange to hear him say that because I felt the same way.

“I was hoping they wouldn’t monitor us,” I admitted, “It’s bullshit.”

Delaney nodded, “I fucking hate this place.”

He and I both knew that most other facilities didn’t have programs like this. They wouldn’t even let us interact with humans at all.

If I was somewhere else, they wouldn’t even permit me to have a job that had me working with humans.

“If I touch her,” Delaney stopped himself, “When I touch her, I don’t want them watching.”

It was weird to hear him say what I would. I didn’t want to share those moments with anybody but Shay.

“He needed the restraints, though,” he said, “His change is more physical.”

“More physical?” I asked, “How?”

He cleared his throat, “You know Artie, right?”

Artie? I had to think about that for a minute.

“Arthur Carlton?” I asked.

He nodded, “Have you seen him lately?”

I shook my head. I thought he left.

“His change was so bad that he actually got reclassified.”

That was a horrible thing to hear.

“That’s not who you’re talking about, right?” I asked.

He shook his head, “How would I know this stuff if he wasn’t here?”

That why I was asking.

“I’m talking about Sean,” he stated, “When that dude changes, fuck.”

Sean? I don’t think I really know him.

“How does he change?” I asked.

“You ever see a Blowfish expand?” he asked me seriously.

Oh fuck.

“He doesn’t completely bloat, but his body forces these sharp spikes out of his skin.”

I don’t think I could unsee a human expand the way a Blowfish does. It was seared into my brain.

“So, what happened?” I asked.

Did I really want to know?

“Well, I mean, he said it was difficult to really do much,” he said, “But I did hear that she was able to blow him. So, that’s a plus.”

“I guess,” I said.

“Hey,” he said, “We both know that just touching your mate could get you off.”

Did I know that? I knew I couldn’t sleep.

I know that I got harder than I ever had been before after I touched her yesterday.

“Sure,” I said.

He was quiet for a few minutes before I heard him speak again.

“Do you think they signed the papers?” he asked quietly.

I met his gaze. He was worried.

He didn’t show much emotion yesterday. Was he just trying to play it cool?

“I don’t know,” I said.

“Do you want her to?” he asked.

“Part of me does,” I admitted, “If it means I can be with her.”

He nodded, “I’m actually scared that she’ll sign them.”

“You are?” I asked, “Why?”

“Girls expect bro,” he said, “She knows that she isn’t my first.”

Oh, I didn’t think about that.

Shit.

“They don’t react the way that we do,” he said, “So just that small amount of contact might be enough for us.”

“But not for them,” I finished his sentence.

He nodded.

“It would be easier if I was a girl, and she was a boy,” Delaney said.

I gave him a look that asked if he was joking or not.

“I’m serious,” he said, “It would be easier if we had different anatomy because we’ll be the ones chained to a fucking wall.”

“What are you on about?” I asked.

“I don’t know exactly how it would work, but I have thought about it. A lot,” he admitted, “But it would be easier to keep some distance if you have a dick.”

He really did think too much about it.

“Are you telling me you wished she had a dick?” I asked.

“If it meant that I wouldn’t hurt her?” he asked, “Then yes.”

He was too honest.

“Aren’t you scared?” He asked me.

“Sometimes,” I admitted, “But I don’t think about it when I’m with her.”

“I get what you mean,” he said, “But I also know that you’ve hurt someone before.”

I really wished that he didn’t bring that up.

“I know that you were in the breeder program before,” he said, “You should be afraid.”

I glared at him.

“I don’t say it to be a dick,” he said awkwardly, “This is me being your friend.”

It felt weird to hear him say that.

“Yeah,” I said, “Thanks.”

I didn’t want anybody to remember that time. I lived with it, I did it. The last thing I wanted was for Shay to know about it.

“Some things you can’t change,” Delaney stated.

“Believe me,” I said, “I know that.”

He stood there for a minute before opening my door.

“I just wanted to let you know,” he said, “We’ll talk later.”

I nodded.

“Thank you.”

When he was gone, I felt this weight on my chest.

I thought about it, about what would happen if I hurt her.

Part of me knew, though, that when she is right in front of me, that I wouldn’t.

Then I had to remind myself what I really am and that there was truly a Devil inside of me.

I’ve hurt a human before. Nothing says I couldn’t do it again.

More than anything, though, I wished that wouldn’t.

I want her. I want to sit and talk with her.

I wanted to breathe in that sweet scent that covered her skin.

Did I truly want to be a part of that mate program?

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t excited by the idea of being chained up while she blew me.

Would I be able to put my mouth on her?

Would all of this just be one-sided?

Fuck. I was hard again.

[anothergirlrecovering]

Lynn 54

two days ago I saw lynn and just now am posting the journal.

 I was surprised because Lynn actually opened her door two minutes before her session was scheduled to start. She told me I could go sit down and she was going to make some hot tea because her teeth are hurting because of sinus stuff. She said she was gonna run in and use the restroom while the tea was made an offer to make me some but I opted out. When she came back she ask how I'm doing and I said OK and asked how she was doing. She said she was doing good and asked what had been going on in my week. I started by telling her that I was really anxious because I'm trying to figure out whether or not I should be in a group practice long term. I explained how Josh had brought up wanting me to stay for years and I hadn't really anticipated staying all that long because there's just not enough incentive if we don't get the loan forgiveness. She was basically like just do it for now and then leave whenever your ready just don't sign a contract LOL. I was like I mean I could do that but I don't really want to go into it being shady because he is a friend and because I don't like bad business like that and I want to have and maintain a good positive reputation in the community. She pointed out that it could be good to do it for a few years just to build a reputation in the community but that after it will probably be better to just go off on my own because it's so easy to do. She was like if you're trying to ask is it easy to do your own billing the answer is absolutely yes. She said that she's not the type of person who is really savvy with administration but she does it just fine and that at most even with 30 clients a week it takes an hour to do. She mentioned my previous therapist Sony and how she has gone out on her own and that she was like why didn't I do this sooner and that Lynn was like I told you to do it sooner LOL. I was like I mean that's good to know for future reference. She pointed out that the dream goal would be to not have to deal with insurance at all and just take private pay, which is something that is easy to do once you've established a relationship in the community. She said she gets on average like three referrals a week and she always has to tell them she can't take any more clients. I laughed and said that I was glad I had gotten in with her when I did then. She said she did that with working out a group practice for a few years and establishing herself and then going off on her own. I said that definitely made sense and she said she hoped it helped and I said that it did. I told Lyn about how cheap my current rent is and she was like how in the world did you land that. She said her rent currently for this nice building is $500 a month. I was like mine is literally 75 and it just worked out because I was friends with the art therapist next-door and she connected me with the owner and the owner is wealthy and owns multiple buildings and is in as concerned about profit as much as she is helping people and finding like-minded people to rent the space. I told her about the art therapist and how the nutritionist had been fucking her over and how I was glad to find out that it wasn't just me that she was a narcissistic bitch too. Lynn agreed. I also told her about how my parents texted me about going to whole foods on their vacation and their new goal to see all of the whole foods on vacation and that had made me think about how she said that they obviously have a problem but they don't seem to think so. She laughed and said that's certainly not her goal on vacation. I laughed and said come on Lynn you don't stop at Whole Foods every time you're on vacation. She said she actually went into one for the first time the other day and she thought about me and was like wow this is the nicest grocery store I've ever been to. I laughed and said it's definitely nice and the prices definitely are excessive. She said definitely. 

I said that I'm just really tired of being emotional and had gotten upset in the recovery service thinking about how I have eaten dog food as a kid at the dinner table and felt really powerless. I told her about how I had actually told my husband about being really anxious together day but that it seem to increase his anxiety because there wasn't a direct cause and I think he worries that I will go back to how things were. She asked if I had pointed out that I had coped really well and I said yeah but he still seemed pretty anxious about it so I think it's just the anxiety without a cause that really makes him nervous. I told her about how I wasn't sure why I had felt so anxious but I don't I literally felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin so I took the dog for a run and that didn't really help much but it helped slightly. I told her that I've given a lot of thought to be spiritual stuff that we have been talking about and that something I had realized on my drive home after therapy was that the pastor had gotten bariatric surgery and I said I wasn't sure what that have done to my little brain as a kid.  I told her that I remembered being really anxious about it but also being confused because everyone was saying how good he looked and I didn't really understand why. I told her that I hadn't gone to talk to my pastor but that I had actually found a podcast when I was googling and researching information on spiritual abuse and religious trauma. She smiled in a way that said she was right and I was like I know I know it's just really hard to acknowledge that it was trauma or that it was abuse but I realize that if somebody else had told me some of the stories that I've shared, I would think differently about it coming from someone else. I told her about how the podcast that I found was a therapist and a yoga instructor and a pastor and that it was actually really good and they talked a lot about the vagal nerve and that I couldn't help but wonder to what extent for me it was the religious trauma or the phobia because I would dissociate a lot when my brother would get nauseous in the car but that was also a time when I was told to recite Bible verses and would be screamed at so it's hard to know where the connection exactly is between the two but I mentioned how the podcast went through some of the psychoeducation on trauma which was things that I already knew but hadn't really considered in light of the religious stuff and that it made me really think about the kind of response as I physically had within the religious settings. I also read her a quote from the podcast about how basically it's hard to really determine a theology and intellectual perspective when your brain is traumatized and still isn't sure if it's safe or OK and so I'm going to take a break from trying to figure out the answer to my gold tooth story for a bit and maybe once I start working through the trauma that I will be able to intellectually look at everything that has happened. I also told her about how my brother had responded saying that everything about that church was bullshit and he wouldn't be surprised if it was a cold. Lynn laughed and was like so he's aware and he validated that for you. I was like yeah I guess I just always forget that he really wasn't in it nearly as much as I was because he was a bit younger and also because he didn't have any mental health issues as a kid and also because he got to go to public high school so he had a more normal experience. She pointed out that kids are wired differently and that makes sense. She said there is an upcoming EMD our training on religious trauma and she would send me the email in case if I am interested. She said that she went to an EMD our training over the weekend in New York and that she had learned an interesting perspective that she thinks maybe helpful both for me and for my clients and she asked if I would want to try it. Of course I said sure so we went with it. 

She had me envision a container with my eyes closed. I pictured the big gray tub that I have in my bedroom. She told me to envision putting inside the box whatever things I have going on that are bothering me but don't want to work on today. So I left out the religious stuff and basically what I ended up putting in the box was pounds of fat because what would be bothering me with the body image and also my phone because that would be connecting with people like my parents and I just don't really want to deal with it at the moment. She had me describe the box to her so I did and then she did this unusual thing where she basically had me open my eyes and re-orient to the room and she asked me to take a minute to really look around the room and orient. So I did and I said OK and then she asked me if there was anything about the room that was bothering me or uncomfortable and I looked around and I said no not really. She asked me if there is anything about her that was bothering me and I just kind of laughed because I was like what an odd question but I was like no you're fine you look cute today and she laughed and said thanks. She asked if there was anything with my body that didn't feel safe or comfortable. I said that was a bad question, not because of Lynn but because of me because it makes me start thinking about my body and I hate my body and that I feel fat and she was like OK scratch that just more on a physical level internally as far as any illnesses or headaches or things like that and I was like OK well then there's nothing. Then she asked me if I believe that it's OK to feel safe when it's safe. I kind of paused for a minute as I thought about it and she repeated it and I said yes and she asked me if I felt safe in this room and I said yes I feel safe when I'm with you and she said good and smiled. She asked me what it felt like to say out loud that it's OK to be safe when it's safe and I said it feels good in this moment but it also feels anxiety provoking to say because I know that no sense of safety can really last. I knew that wasn't the answer she wanted to hear but she was like OK will go back to that good feeling and noticed that and I was like OK it does feel good to say in this moment. She asked me to think of a word that might represent feeling safe in here and I said gratitude and I told her about how in yoga yesterday I was thinking about how I had therapy today and the yoga instructor asked us to think of something that we are grateful for him and so I actually thought of Lynn because I'm really grateful that I have her. Since she had me think of the word grateful and notice how safe I feel in this moment and used in the tappers. She asked me how I felt and I said good she did it again and asked how I felt then I said that I noticed that my breathing has gotten a little bit deeper and I wasn't shaking my foot anymore. She said good and explained how important it is to really re-orient yourself with the present and find safety and how often clients may not actually feel safe and that makes it much harder to do trauma work. I said that made sense and she asked me to do this at least two or three times a day to really check in. She said when she checked in just now with me she noticed how hot it was in the room and she took her scarf off. I left and I was like yeah I'm glad I'm in a tank top because it is always really hot in here. She said she thinks it  has to do with the seasons changing but I was like I'm pretty sure it's always hot in here which she was like maybe on the warm side. 

She asked me about a direction for treatment and pointing out the different layers and how she thinks you know that first layer was self-deprecation in that second layer is the perfectionism and the one underneath that might be the religious trauma and control and how we can work towards dealing with that. She asked me if that's what I think would be most helpful to work towards. I said I think that's definitely a good avenue because I can see how they are all interconnected because A lot of the phobia stuff was intertwined with religious incidents and so it would make sense. She pointed out that she thought so too and especially with me getting a one on some of those issues and I was like yeah that's still really really bothers me. I said the other thing was that I really just don't want to hate my body and obsess about bodies for the rest of my life. She looks somewhat confused and I was like and I don't mean that I want you to work with me on the eating disorder but that like I have a client who has an eating disorder and once we process the memory where she got made fun of for being fat she no longer believe she's fat and so there's a part of me that's like well crap maybe if I can just fine whatever memory triggered me feeling like I'm fat and if I can process it then maybe I can be normal. I told her about how I hate that I'm always judging other people's bodies and that it's exhausting and she was like well you're human what would happen if you were to except that we all do that and I was like I don't mean judging in a negative way and she was like yeah we all do that and I was like no we don't and she was like yeah we all judge people based on their appearance to some extent even if it's on my unconscious level and I was like OK well I don't mean necessarily that I am mean and judgmental about peoples bodies I just mean that I'm aware that when they do brain scans of people with eating disorders looking at other women's bodies there amygdala lights up where as normal healthy controls their frontal cortex lights up and so I just get exhausted because I start comparing myself to them and I don't want to be doing that forever. She talked about retraining my brain forever handheld maybe if we start doing this new approach with the container exercise at the beginning of therapy and not necessarily going through my list of things bothering me that maybe we will be able to work through things at a much quicker pace and then I will be able to come for booster sessions and not a weekly thing which would free my time to do other things like yoga more often which I was like what the heck but I was like realistically we both know I'd end up working more but I was like honestly that just triggers my fear of abandonment piece because then I'm like oh my god she's trying to terminate me even though I know that's not what you actually just said and then she acted really confused by that and was like oh well we need to work on your abandonment issues then and target that next. I was like LOL OK I mean that's definitely always been an issue for me so I'm down with that. Lynn mentioned some word that I had never heard of, I wanna say something like neuroceptive or something, and she said she just learned this weekend but it has to do with being someone who is very sensory aware and takes an a lot through their surroundings. She pointed out that I'm very sensitive and that she sensitive to which I kind of just laughed but she made the point that when you are constantly picking up on the sensory experiences you really need to pause and re-orient to the present and make sure you feel safe and that by doing so it will make you more ready to do trauma work.

We scheduled for next time and I headed out.

[gentlemenclubbbz]

101. “Don’t be an asshole. Asshole.” (Ian)

This feels like its ripped out of a shoujo tbh. Warning: cheesy lol. Pls forgive meh.

***

You loved Ian’s smile. It had a certain something that you couldn’t quite put your finger on—it simply mesmerized you without him doing anything special. It was just a natural phenomenon, never forced or too excessive. Showed the boy’s feelings flawlessly—even though it wasn’t hard to make Ian smile. A silly joke could have him grinning fondly at you, or he’d start talking about something he likes; that would make him go endlessly. And he’d wear that beautiful smile of his, so large and happy…

However, he’ll never know that! He might think you’re weird. Or worse—think you have a crush on him! Not as if you didn’t have a crush on Ian, but he was your classmate. You were best friends and there is no way Ian liked you back. You knew about his crushes and you just weren’t his type. An impossible romance—but you’re ok with that. To some extent, anyway (after all, you got very jealous whenever a girl talked with him). So that’s why you never said anything about it. You rather preferred having him by your side than ruin everything with your silly emotions.

And more than ever, you tried to perish the thought that right now, you were on a date. ‘This isn’t a date, [name]!’ you kept on repeating to yourself, feeling nervous about it all. You had your reasons to think so—Ian never asked you out before. It was always you who always told him to hang out, dragged him out of the house or bothered him. Or you simply ended up somewhere after class…All happened naturally. Today was the first time that he asked you to come join him at this festival—you didn’t even know he was interested in this kind of things. But he looked rather embarrassed when he asked you, not even daring to look you in the eye. He pretended to tap on the keyboard—but he still asked you out.

“Oh…” you froze, staring at him weirdly. “Ok.”

And here you were, in the crowd, trying not to get lost. ‘Too many people…’ you internally complained, already feeling nauseous. Ian was walking, tall and proud—at least you won’t lose him since he’s so damn tall. “Ian!” you called out to him, as you felt him slipping  away, getting small by the swarm of people. You believed he won’t hear you over the sounds of the music and chatter. But he does, turning around to look at you struggling to catch up.

“Here,” he waits for you and then extends his hand. “Hold my hand so you won’t get lost.”

Your eyes must be deceiving you—you could’ve sworn you saw a light pinkness dusting the boy’s cheeks. You stared at his hand, at those long fingers…

What?

He rolls his eyes, impatiently, took the lead and grabbed your hand. “Come on.” He starts to drag you after him, gently, until you’re at his side. “Don’t let it go, ok?” Ian instructs and you nod, at a loss of words. Ian was acting weird—it made your heart ache with hope. Was this the beginning of a beautiful relationship? ‘Yeah…as if…’

But you let him guide you anyway, wordlessly. You don’t know where you’re going but you’re high school students and you have plenty of time to figure it out. You just follow the flow of the crowd, enjoying the warmth of your conjoined hands—he’s holding onto you pretty tight. And you like that feeling. You didn’t think you’ve ever felt this conscious about holding hands with Ian. Ugh, why did had to happen? You were supposed to try to forget about him, seeing that you were graduating school soon and you probably won’t meet as often. But here he was, making you feel alive—just what was he planning?

“Hey, want some cotton candy?” You were so deep in thought that you didn’t notice he stopped. “I heard girls liked that…” he muttered afterwards, furrowing his brows when you didn’t answer and stared at him weirdly.  

“Hmmm…” you stared at the vendor, trying to figure if you wanted or not. Then you shrugged, playing it cool. “Sure, if you pay,” you grin at him and he scoffs.

“Knew you’d do that,” he sighs comically, but he doesn’t seem to mind. He walks with you there and orders one cotton candy for you—meanwhile, you’re just too self-conscious about the fact that you probably look like a couple. And, if people saw you like that: did you look cute together? You’ve always wondered. You think you probably did, but—

“[name], you don’t want it?” he snaps you once again out of your daydream, shoving the soft cotton candy in front of your face.

“Ah—“ you make a grab for it with your other hand, but he’s too fast and holds it in the air. High above your head.

“Too slow~” he grins like a Chesire Cat, from ear to ear as you start pouting in a childish manner.

“Ian! Give it, it’s mine!” you demand angrily, unaware that he was still holding your hand.

“You didn’t seem like you wanted it, sooo….” He chants, licking his lip as he stares at the white cotton candy on the stick. “Maybe I should just eat it myself. After all, I paid for it.”

“Hey—wait, no!” you tried to reach it, but he was holding it high up without any effort. He was smirking at you with mischief, but you weren’t going to be defeated by that. You tiptoed, stretching your arm and body as much as you could—but in vain. Without realizing, you were resting your palm onto his chest, missing the rapid beats of his heart. “Ian!”

“What do I get in return for this, huh?” he teased, watching you with those perfect hazel eyes behind the rim of his cat-eye glasses.

You stuck your tongue at him as a response. “Nothing. Now—ugh. Don’t be an asshole! Asshole.”

“That hurt me,” the boy feigned it, shaking his head. “B-But—“ he started with a stutter, suddenly losing his cocky attitude. “—if you can’t think of anything to give me, then I’ll just…” he gulped, but you weren’t paying attention.

You were still trying to get the stick, seeing that he was so preoccupied all of a sudden with something else. “Hah! Almost—“

“…kiss you.”  

He dips his head low, meeting your mouth halfway. Your lips collide clumsily, both taken by surprise by the action: you, because you weren’t expecting it and Ian because he didn’t ever think he’d have the guts to actually do it. But it’s a fact—you two were kissing.

‘Huh…?’ Your mind couldn’t process it, but you felt it. You tasted Ian’s mouth as if you’ve done it before. It feels familiar, as if they belonged there. He doesn’t know how to kiss—and neither do you. But it doesn’t matter. With this kiss, there is no need for any other words. You both knew where this was going, the aftermath…

Your body is frozen, the cotton candy forgotten. You can’t breathe, the world is spinning and your eyes stare at Ian’s long eyelashes. Unfair. Then he gets too eager, tries to bring you close by the waist and accidentally hits you with the rim of his glasses.

“Ouch…” you back away from him, but you’re not letting go of his hand. And he doesn’t leave your waist, still keeping you close. But you recover quickly, staring at him with parted lips. “I-Ian..?” Bet your face was like a ripe tomato—mirroring his own.

He doesn’t say anything for a few seconds; but then he smiles sheepishly.

You loved Ian’s smile.

[fugginnugget]

Lets Talk; Naruto Shippuden

So, I’ve been out of the fandom for a while; just sort of recovering from the terrible, hetero-normative ending that was shoved violently down my throat. I was upset; not just as a shipper, because that’s not reason enough to rile my feathers as much as this did, but because of the unlikeliness of how the series ended; because of how the message of the series got skewered and warped.

Allow me to explain myself; 

(Spoilers and personal opinions ahead, read at your own risk. All opinions are mine, and I’m not trying to force them down your throat. If you don’t agree, power to you.)

Lets start with Sasuke. 

Yes, as all of us fans starting out with the SasuNaru kisses and queerbaiting, at the beginning of the main series; Naruto, I was intrigued by the secrets this character held. However, following the series, his actions and the way he treated people led me to loose interest. The powerful pretty-boy with all the girls falling at his feet? Not my type. 

Further, as we got into Shippuden, the story shifted from childhood into teenage drama, and Sasuke’s character went down the toilet. Why do I think that? Because hatred can drive you to do stupid things; but it isn’t a force strong enough to cause the reactions and subsequent actions that Sasuke developed. No, that’s mental breakage, loss of control, obsession that’s gone too far. His ending? Getting the girl who he abused, mentally and physically? Never should have happened. Being accepted back into Konoha? Never should have happened. Having the happy ever after with the kids and smiles? Never. Shoul’ve. Happened. 

Lets look at why; 

Sasuke is a self-centered maniac who cast aside his village and comrades in order to exact revenge for a crime that’s origins he didn’t know. Furthermore, he regrets his entire life choices after the death of his brother because he was so focused on his obsessive, selfish need for revenge, that he never saw the truth. He allowed the reanimation disaster that started the third shinobi war, then had the fucking balls to go stop it like a hero. He doesn’t deserve what he got. 

Moving on; 

Sakura.

Sakura worked hard to get where she was at the end of the series. She mastered the 100 healings and succeeded in carrying on the will of fire and the spirit of Tsunade. She is the embodiment of female strength in the series, she is the heroine of the story, no matter how much of a selfish, shallow bitch she can be. Do I like her? No. Appreciate her presence in the series? No. I never saw her as the model woman. She was strong, but she was also selfish and greedy; the sort of feminist people hate. The one that wants the attention, the one that wants the respect without earning it. The one that lives off of the social obligations of others. She could never stand on her own. Her ending? It was what I would have expected from any romantic drama; she gets her man and lives happily ever after. It was a disappointment. She remained shallow and never learned from her mistakes, her sacrifices all led to her personal gain. I predicted her every reaction based off of all media written today; there was nothing special about her; nothing but the two men’s backs that she couldn’t reach. 

How about Hinata. 

This is a very sore subject for me, and as I’m writing this, the bitterness in my stomach is sloshing around and making me nauseous. Why? Because she was painted as the one person who acknowledged Naruto when he was a child, but she really wasn’t. Sure, she was a shy little girl who was weak and needed protecting, and her family was of high prestige, so when they dragged her away, it still counted. Right? Those times when she saw his true nature, when she disagreed with all the others, it counted right? No. Why would it? Naruto never heard that, never saw that. She never defended him outright, she never did anything that would make her a true candidate for his affection until she stood against pein to try and save him. And would that cause him to feel real affection towards her? The pain of seeing his comrade die in front of him, the one thing he had been trying to avoid? The girl who was weak, the one he had stood up for, fought for, defended. The one he tried so desperately to protect, because she didn’t deserve to be treated like him. Called a failure. But was that fight only for her? Was that reason only for her? No. Naruto defended everyone who was in position like his. Rock Lee, with his genius of hard work vs “true” genius. Gaara, when they worked together on missions, when they fought against the artisans, after he died at the hand of the akatsuki. No. His passion for defending “failures” is greater than Hinata. He didn’t pay her any special attention, never professed his love for her like he did Sakura. There was no real chemistry or even time to progress a relationship, and yet they marry. They have children, and Naruto neglects his son for work. It’s not logical, it doesn’t fit. 

Speaking on defense; 

Gaara was a character whose entire world, his life, his outlook, his emotions, his understanding was changed by Naruto. Naruto was the one person who was strong enough to defeat the Shukaku, the only person who truly defeated Gaara. He was the only person to understand how Gaara truly felt, understand what he had been through. Naruto was Gaara’s first love, to be blunt. Let’s be honest;  I ship this. Naruto and Gaara get each other, they understand, they protect each other cannonly throught the series. Gaara starts a war for Naruto, to protect Naruto; Naruto nearly beats Deidara to death with his own hands trying to save Gaara, expends his chakra to save Gaara, stands with Gaara as he recovers. IT DOESN'T”T HAVE TO BE ROMANTIC, BUT IT IS LOVE. This relationship wasn’t obsessive. This was the only “healthy” relationship in the series. They depended on eachother to the extent of life or death, they trusted eachother to the extent of life or death. In the infinite tsukoyomi, Gaara DREAMS OF NARUTO. It’s platonic, Naruto was his closest friend, even in his prefect dream of family and love. Naruto is still there. 

Now this isn’t to convince you to sail with me on my ship of existential crisis; no. This is only to show you another aspect of how Naruto’s ending was so full of holes. Where did this relationship go? Are they penpal’s who only see eachother at gokage summits? Is the love and trust and dependency that they shared somehow broken by the sudden relationship with Hinata? By the seat of Hokage?  It’s full of holes.

Now; Naruto.

What the fuck happened to Naruto. Where is the man that spent his who life fighting for his dreams, following his nindou, leading the people, protecting his village, his friends, his nakama. Where is the man who saved the world, the descendant of the Sage of Six paths? That man is not the one who would neglect his son. That man is not the one who is so bland at the end of the series. So aged, so... seasoned. Sure, there is experience; a lot of experience, but that level of seasoning is too salty for me. The wholesomeness of the series; that feeling of family and the necessity of protecting who you love. The message that Naruto represented is lost. The boldness of charging in on pure emotion, the need to protect, to defend, the need to end the cycle of hatred and sadness and war, to unite all ninja, to lead a people to happiness; where did that message go? Did it get lost in the building of romantic relationships? Lost in the merge between prestige and popularity? Did the duality of his existence suddenly dissipate? Did the righteous power he sought, he mastered, did it suddenly make him flat. Normal. Equal. 

The power Naruto wields is the power of the outcast. The power of understanding, empathy. The power of forgiveness, acceptance; Naruto is love. Naruto is light. It’s been established both verbally and artistically in both the anime and manga. It’s cannon. 

So then why?

Why the dissatisfying ending? Why the baseless romance? Why?

I’m not asking for you to join my crew, I’m only asking you to look at the holes in the story. If I had it my way; I wouldn’t have included romance. There would be no Boruto. The series would have ended a legend that narutards like me could worship; a sandbox of inspiration and freedom. The ending ruined this series for me, and it’s taken me a very long time to be able to watch it again. It can never have the respect I gave it again; because the message died with Shippuden. The inspiration dies with the bonds that were ended with no purpose. 

I can speculate, I can scorn, but I still don’t truly know. They say “It’s a shounen anime, there can’t be homosexuals”, “It’s not that kind of manga”. 

Fuck that, why does Homosexuality have to fall into specific genres? 

Why do those genres treat it as a kink, a obsession? It’s sexualized for sales to heterosexual women. 

Don’t tell me it wouldn’t sell, everyone knows it would. 

[2whatcom-blog]

Let's Discuss Miscarriage, Child

Content material warning: miscarriage (clearly). Miscarriage. I do not even like typing that phrase. Even while you kind it, it nonetheless appears like one thing that ought to be whispered. In like, an outdated ladies's stitching circle. Adopted by a bunch of these unhappy tongue clucking sounds and some murmured "Oh, what a shame." Miscarriage. I had one ("Oh, what a shame!"). I initially didn't need to discuss it as a result of miscarriage is weirdly ... embarrassing? Nonetheless, I in a short time realized what an enormous variety of different ladies have realized: that our collective not speaking about it makes it really feel worse, and that we in all probability ought to discuss it extra. There are some very highly effective issues written by different ladies about their miscarriages. A lot of them are written by ladies who've some extent of distance from it and have accrued some knowledge or, in lots of circumstances, a subsequent baby. I've observed particularly, that we appear to really feel extra comfy listening to about ladies's miscarriages after they now have a child. Ali Wong has an important comedy particular wherein she discusses her miscarriage. In interviews she says that individuals did not begin actually laughing at it till she was visibly pregnant with one other baby. We wish there to be a contented ending. My miscarriage occurred final week. There isn't any child. There isn't any knowledge. There isn't any joyful ending. I 100 % don't need to low cost accounts of miscarriage from ladies who went on to have a child and/or realized one thing actually profound. I've learn and heard many of those narratives and located them extraordinarily useful and comforting, and I feel we want that. I'm so grateful to those ladies who've written about miscarriage with magnificence and knowledge and eloquence, however you already know what? Perhaps typically we do not want knowledge, magnificence and eloquence. Perhaps typically we want some discomfort and vulgarity and rambling. I'm no stranger to writing about tough and uncomfortable matters. Prior to now I've written very candidly about psychosis and psychiatric hospitalization as a result of I even have bipolar dysfunction. My medical file now emits a palpable cloud of awkward pity when opened. Nonetheless, there's a sure delight in having "stigma" be a key phrase in just about all of the articles about any a part of your medical historical past. I've received double stigma now: I've fucking STIGMATA (I might make the apparent Jesus joke right here, however when you will have bipolar dysfunction you are not allowed to do this, so you already know, make it your self). To not make mild of different medical situations, however sincere to god, I actually hope subsequent time one thing terrible occurs to me it is appendicitis, or pernicious anemia, or another shit that it's socially acceptable to speak actually about outdoors of a social worker-led help group or weblog publish that individuals will name you "brave" for writing. So, what occurred? Nicely, I used to be having a superbly regular being pregnant. This can be stunning to a few of you that know me and/or Brian, as a result of it was purported to be a secret. You aren't supposed to inform individuals earlier than you make it to 12 weeks. It is because most miscarriages occur earlier than 12 weeks, and it is extremely unhappy and awkward to have instructed individuals you're pregnant after which have a miscarriage and have to inform them you aren't pregnant. It is usually very unhappy and awkward to NOT have instructed individuals you're pregnant after which have a miscarriage and have to inform individuals not solely that you're not presently pregnant, but additionally that you simply have been pregnant. It's unhappy and awkward both manner, and if you're pregnant you need to inform individuals each time the fuck you need to. Anyway, I used to be pregnant, and it was completely regular and uneventful. I did not bleed; I used to be throwing up, my boobs harm; these have been all good indicators. I had no explicit purpose to fret about miscarriage, however I did anyway as a result of I'm an anxious fuck. From the minute I received that constructive take a look at, hell even earlier than I received that take a look at, I nervous about miscarriage. I knew that about one in 4 pregnancies resulted in miscarriage, so it wasn't a completely irrational fear, no less than at first. However because the weeks went on and the danger of miscarriage theoretically dropped (I say theoretically as a result of that is an occasion that has already occurred and subsequently the chance of its having occurred is now 100 %), I nonetheless nervous. My husband, bless his coronary heart, didn't fear. This was, on the time, the extra rational place. He was filled with hope and blissful ignorance and was subsequently very reassuring. The morning of my first prenatal appointment, my husband took his blissfully ignorant (and really cute) ass to work as regular. I awoke in form of a funk. I had beforehand been very excited for this appointment, however I used to be noticeably much less excited that morning. Once more, I wish to assume it was some form of "mother's intuition," however extra probably it was that it was the primary day after spring break and I used to be a drained anxious fuck. I went into the appointment desirous to lastly have some concrete proof that the little sprout within me was there and okay. It was there. It was not okay. It is form of a cliche to say you can't presumably perceive what it feels prefer to, at one second assume that you'll in all probability be bringing a child house in seven months, and the following second know that you simply will not as a result of your silly embryo does not have a fucking heartbeat. So I'll strive. You understand that feeling the place you expect reassurance? Like while you textual content your buddy to see in the event that they received house secure, or inform your accomplice that you simply love them simply so you possibly can hear it again, or hear a automobile pull into your driveway while you're anticipating somebody house they usually're late? It is like while you get a name again out of your buddy's quantity, however it's another person's voice. It is like listening to that infinite pause as a substitute of "I love you too." It is like while you look out the window and it is a police automobile. It is that feeling when your spouse went off to her prenatal appointment that morning and also you hadn't even thought of it till you checked out your telephone after class and noticed the missed calls. My husband is now not filled with hope and blissful ignorance. It has been squashed proper out of him just like the final dregs of toothpaste and now for any future pregnancies we may be anxious fucks collectively. My physique failed at being pregnant, however it additionally failed at miscarriage. I had what known as a "missed miscarriage," which is when the embryo or fetus dies, however your physique does not acknowledge it, so you do not miscarry "naturally" (which is the well mannered manner of claiming you do not bleed and cramp and expel the lifeless embryo or fetus out of your physique). On this scenario you possibly can both 1) anticipate above "natural" miscarriage to occur, 2) induce bleeding and cramping and related lifeless embryo or fetus expulsion with medicine, or 3) have surgical procedure to filter the lifeless embryo or fetus out of your uterus. Many ladies prefer to let issues occur with out further intervention or desire to have the consolation of miscarrying in their very own house. That is completely legitimate. I, nonetheless, didn't need to let issues occur naturally as a result of nature is a goddamned asshole. Moreover, the prospect of copious quantities of blood and ache didn't enchantment to me, whereas a minor surgical procedure that will get it throughout with shortly and that concerned a authorized excessive didn't sound so dangerous. Per week later I received what's technically known as a "manual vacuum aspiration." That is the place they principally take an enormous syringe and suck out the lifeless embryo or fetus and related uterine gunk. It's precisely the identical process they use for a lot of elective abortions. The distinction is that while you wished the being pregnant you get to do it within the hospital as a substitute of getting to go to a complete separate clinic, and your insurance coverage covers it. It does not make lots of sense. It was painful and awkward, however I received to get excessive, so I did not actually care that a lot and I do not keep in mind a lot both. I threw up on the automobile experience house. My husband pulled over and I spewed apple juice onto the soiled snow and thought of how this was the final time I'd throw up due to this being pregnant. Bodily, I truly really feel significantly better now, which I really feel bizarre about. I am now not nauseous and exhausted. I have not bled or cramped that a lot after the surgical procedure. Emotionally, I really feel like a girl who simply had a miscarriage. I've spent most of my time on the sofa watching reruns and consuming takeout (however I've nonetheless managed to lose three kilos, so there's that). I've not been again to work but. This isn't solely as a result of I need to cry and eat pizza in peace, it's significantly as a result of my job this week was purported to contain 1) planning for my future that just some weeks in the past have been purported to must be rearranged to accommodate a child, and a couple of) educating college students a unit about youngsters dying of most cancers. I don't need to do both of this stuff proper now despite the fact that I in all probability bodily might. I've additionally beforehand been on the coed facet of the TA having an apparent emotional breakdown in the midst of class scenario, and it isn't comfy for anybody. My college students deserve higher. Fortunately (effectively probably not fortunately as a result of, as I've been properly instructed, there is no such thing as a excellent news when there is a lifeless child concerned) miscarriage is certainly one of a number of "trump cards" in life. Much like how saying you will have diarrhea will get you out of just about any social obligation, informing individuals of your miscarriage is SO awkward and uncomfortable for everybody concerned that nobody goes to ask follow-up questions or problem you. They simply need to get out of that dialog as quickly as attainable, they usually don't need you round crying and being unhappy. To be frank, this is without doubt one of the primary causes that I instructed individuals. I wanted that immediate pity, and I wasn't above getting it. Once you inform individuals about your miscarriage, they now know, not simply that you have had a miscarriage, but additionally some shit about your intercourse life, which is enjoyable. When you're younger and just lately married and clearly very unhappy about your miscarriage, individuals will assume that you've been "trying" (which is well mannered code for 'having unprotected intercourse') and should proceed to take action sooner or later. "Trying" can be not well mannered dialog, so now there's only a complete bunch of unstated information and assumptions about your and your accomplice's reproductive organs on the market. For many who are curious, sure Brian and I had been "trying". Sure, we'll proceed to be "trying" sooner or later. No, we do not need to discuss it with you except you have additionally had a miscarriage and need to be unhappy about it with us. That is it. I hope I've no less than glad your morbid curiosity about miscarriage. And for these of you who did not have any morbid curiosity since you already know all too effectively your self: I'm so, so sorry. I hope my phrases have no less than supplied some small consolation to you in the identical manner different ladies's tales have comforted me. Like I stated earlier than, I haven't got a contented ending. What I do have is pizza, Intercourse and the Metropolis streaming, and a bottle of wine. So let's discuss. Read the full article

[motorclit]

I think it’s safe to say I’m experiencing flare-ups.

In the recent... well... six months almost?  There’s been this trend I’ve noticed that after my period, I still suffer in some way.  It’s also never always the same, but the common one is my pelvis hurting as if I’m on my period still.  And yes, weed does take care of this pain.  The problem is that my trusted source is out because he had a bad turnover this year with his crop.  So I’m kinda screwed right now and saving what weed I have left for my actual period, because the pain and suffering is actually far worse on my period.  However, the pelvic pain I experience as I type this is still too much for me to really do anything like hold down a fucking job.  I can’t even wash dishes, but I’m able to sit in my computer chair, so that’s the silver lining here.

A couple of nights ago, the pain started up, and yesterday is where the worst of this all had happened, complete with full-on back pains and full gut pains, plus diarrhea (which can be blamed on the chicken strips causing that little bit).  I also had the shakes, fluctuating body temperature feelings (even though the thermometer we have showed I was not fevered), so I had to drink water and eat a FEW saltines.  This suffering has caused me to eat extremely little because it’s fucking with my appetite, but despite being hungry, the moment I eat a little bit of something, I start to feel nauseous again.  The only thing I don’t feel nauseated when consuming something is water, so I stuck with mostly sipping water every now and then.

This isn’t the first time this has happened, and I’m better today (to some extent) than I was yesterday.  I ate sushi and some crab meat from takeout today (which has never made me sick before), so I finally ate an actual fucking meal for once today.  My little issue is I don’t know what I should eat when I’m hungry later, as we don’t have much that I can eat that isn’t fucking junk food.

A lot of the food that’s good for me that I don’t get sick off of takes time to prepare: something I don’t always (and hardly ever) have the energy for.  I try saving up my energy to be able to work out so I’m not wasting away here.  And I’d schedule an appointment with the gyno, but I wanna get this financial assistance application out first in relation to my ER bills (over $5k worth of ER bills, thanks American “healthcare system!”).  The foods that I love to eat are sushi and buttered crab meat (the only takeout other than Denny’s and their club sandwich that I can eat without getting sick), chicken kebabs (with peppers and onions) cooked on a grill (too cold to do that right now), your standard pork roast or oven-cooked chicken with mashed potatoes and gravy with green beans or peas, a turkey sandwich involving spinach leaves and provolone cheese and a thin layer of mayo, and so far, that’s about it.  We can’t always afford good and healthy meals for me, alone, to eat, and I’m lucky to have enough energy to volunteer with the damn dishes because standing can take a lot out of me sometimes.  I haven’t been able to continue de-cluttering this house because I’m sick most of the time.

I’ve looked up some healthy recipes and found some that I might be able to do on my own like a veggie wrap.  I have to avoid red meats because they fuck me up real bad regardless of how it’s prepared, and the same goes with oily or greasy foods.  I’ve been so far able to get away with cooking two sausage links in a pan for breakfast, but if I add an egg to that, regardless if it’s scrambled or not, I get sick.  Recently, Eggo waffles are becoming ick to my stomach (not severely, I just can’t eat anymore of the ONE WAFFLE that I make for breakfast with my sausage links).  So now I have to experiment and figure out what to do.  I’m tempted to ask if it’s possible to store pancake batter in the fridge for the next day, so it’s made and I can just pour the desired amount into a pan and have a damn pancake with my sausage links for breakfast.  The problem with that is the last few times I’ve had pancakes (way back in Pittsburgh-living days), my butt would have a fit over it.  So now I have to really wrack my brain in order to figure out what would be best for breakfast.  (Cereal isn’t an option, as most of it isn’t beneficial health-wise to me and having straight-up milk causes me to break out.)

Since there’s a link between endometriosis and a higher risk of heart problems, I’ve been trying to watch my sodium intake a bit, plus how fast I get a fuck ton of magnesium when I first wake up (hence a banana for breakfast is bad for me, but a banana for a late-day snack is fine).  Fruit for breakfast in general isn’t the best, at least not on an empty stomach (and I know from first-hand experience from when I was a kid, but now recently found out that’s a thing, so it’s not just me).

I’ve recently became a bit of a fan of the new Nissan Rammen Cup Noodles, especially after finding out they’ve cut their sodium in their recipes by 1000mg per cup, but I’ve told myself that I must have no more than one in a day, and I want to avoid consuming a cup each and every day.  I kind of have it as a back-up food in case I’m really shit outta luck.

Sometimes I get cocky about how good I feel and eat something like some pizza and it sets off a flare-up, other times, the flare-up happens because it’s just right after my period.  All I know is I need surgery to take care of this mess so I can finally have a fucking job again and so I can have a consistent work-out schedule.  I tend to feel the worst during the winter because I’m not doing much because we can’t afford to adequately heat this fucking house and I have to sit in front of a space-heater 24/7.  

The summer isn’t quite so bad, so I should be good when the weather gets warmer.  I’ll be gardening (hopefully) and getting into spraypaint art for therapeutic reasons and for stencil art.  You know, something to do that isn’t sitting around on my computer all fucking day every damn day of summer.  I mean, yeah, I live on a farm, but all we have are two horses that I want nothing to do with because I’m not crazy about horses, especially thanks to how horse-obsessed my mom is and will deter the conversation from my interests to horse-related shit (and Jeremy feels the same way).  If we had chickens, then it’d be different.  I’d probably spend more time with them and trying to better their coop, but we don’t have any chickens anymore.  The coop is in pieces.  There’s NOTHING on this farm that I’d wanna do aside from growing pumpkins and sunflowers outside, and oxygen-giving plants indoors like succulents and spider-plants.  I just hope I can get the help to get started where I fucking need it, unlike last year when my parents (who had the purchasing power since I have NO INCOME under my name) did not help me get seedling trays to get started with and we didn’t find out from my father-in-law if he still had the roto-tiller.

I really hope I’ll be able to get the surgery I need.  I can worry about the bills later, especially if I’m gonna be totally able to get a fucking job post-surgery (if someone will fucking hire me where I’d be able to work).